If I Were You - 24: Shakespeare

Episode Date: April 15, 2024

In this episode, Amir takes it back to the 16th Century trying to stump Jake with a poem so old, it has to be true.Advertise on Segments via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HITGUM original. there now here's one more effort for only positive motivations they swear another podcast each app different from the last it's the swiss army knife of shows Now let me to two emphatic hoes Segments I do like you having a problem during the theme song that's solved by the end. Basically it's solved by the chorus. Right, we're always doing something and then I hear the Segments and I put my hands up like somebody's lifting them up. I'm a four year old and my parents are swinging me. You were having a hot flash.

I had post-menopausal We're still in the fucking studio together studio in the lab in the kitchen cooking up that sauce Yeah, okay. This is the platonic ideal of segments. This is a perfect. That's right like iteration of everything coming together. And to commemorate this momentous occasion, I'm going to stump you. I'm going to win for the first time ever poetry or notary. Interesting. I worked hard on these words.

I muddied the water to the point where it'll be a complete crap shoot slash guessing game. If I don't win this version of the game, I will quit. Really? Not just the game, but the podcast, the head gum, it's all going away. Cause I can't remember super well, but I don't even think you've come close. No, you ought to always got it in one. You never eliminated the good one in its mind. Right, right, right. Then you always got it in one. You never eliminated the good one and it's mine. Right, right, right, right. Then you got it down to two and you sort of know which of the last two is mine as well.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I was able to come up with a hook that I think will help me. All right. We should say this is segments of podcasts that whatever. Yeah. Okay. So I'm over three so far. Yep.

I tried doing a theme like Los Angeles. I tried to do Pope Puri, any poem. You tried Ha-Oon, you tried Los Angeles. And you tried Sadie. That was your best poem, by the way. Really, my first one. Still love Sadie. So this one, I thought the theme should be Shakespeare.

These are three poems by William Shakespeare, or are they? Oh, wow. So it's like, you know, it's kind of hard to understand. It's not really English, but they're all kind of short. This is a gap in my poetry. Yeah, like I definitely prefer modern poetry. Yes, to Bill. Yeah.

And I spent some time on this. I would like write a draft and wait. I'm like, nah, this line is not right. Nah, no, so. Yeah. Okay. That is what it takes. I think we've at least learned that we're not just gonna,

any of the poems that we farted out were sniffed out. My last poem also, I worked on it for a while. Yeah. So yeah. And I jokingly instantly knew, but then I fucking made a U-turn, an emotional U-turn. Yeah, cause you were like, well, it's really good. Enz-well-yet! By William good. Enz-well-yet!

By William Shakespeare. Enz-well-yet. That's almost certainly not you, but let's go on. Then let's start with another one. Yeah, enz-well-yet is, if it's not, if this is you, that's a very poetic turn of phrase, and I love it. Okay. By the way, I could have, there were iterations of this where I kind of cheated but I got rid of those lines I'm like, let me borrow this line from this. Oh

Yeah, but I didn't I didn't know fucking didn't all right ends well yet by Bill Shakespeare, yeah Shakespeare. Yeah. I'm nervous. I would be too. Because I am going to try to use how you're reading and what your body language is. Yeah, we're playing poker, not poetry.

Ends well yet. Perilous brothers rate and scheme, bargaining with death and failing. Merrily, sisters scud far off their last breath, trading their senses for wailing. Draw nearest your garments then that needeth to mend, for all that begins must needeth to end. Okay, that's- Sigh no more ladies! Hold on, hold on. Let me digest this one a little bit.

Cause there was one line that sounded like you a little bit. And it was Merrily the ladies do something. Because. Yeah. Merrily Sisters. Yeah. It reminds me a little bit of traipsing as he carved. Dauphin style. All right.

Okay. Next poem is called? Full Fathom Five. Full Fathom Five. By William Shakespeare. Maybe. No, where is it? Full Fathom Five, thy father lies. Of his bones are coral made. Those are pearls that were his

eyes. Nothing of him that doth fade. But doth suffer a sea change into something rich and strange. Sea nymphs hourly ring his knell. Ding dong. H hark now I hear them ding-dong bell Okay Okay Sigh no more ladies sigh no more ladies Sigh no more ladies sigh no more men were deceivers ever One foot in sea and one on shore. To one thing constant never.

Then sigh not so, but let them go. And be you blive and bonny. Converting all your sounds of woe into hey, nonny, nonny. Ooh, second one's you. Full Fathom Five? You don't think that's a unique phrase or kind of random? Is it you?

Do you want me to read anything again? Do you wanna just trust your instinct? I'm gonna trust my instinct because the first two, the first poem moved me and the second poem and the third poem moved me. The second one did nothing for me. Full Fathom Five? Full Fathom Five.

And if you wrote one or three, I do commend you. Cause I thought they were great. So let me read Full Fathom Five to you again. Just so you can. Yeah. You don't have to commit yet. Yeah. Full Fathom 5 by William Shakespeare. Yeah. Full Fathom 5, thy father lies. Of his bones are coral made. Those are pearls that were his eyes. Nothing of him that doth fade.

Yeah, but that doesn't make sense. I didn't fucking finish! This is the kind of shit that pisses me off because I'm really not done and you wouldn't do that to little Shakespeare nor should you do that to me. I wouldn't do it to Bill. If this wasn't my fucking poem, which I'm not even telling you it is or isn't yet. But dot suffer a sea change into something rich and strange. Se him sourly ring his knell.

Ding dong, hark, now I hear them. Ding dong, bell. Now that I hear it a second time, I'm so convinced that it's you. Wow. You don't even want to hear ends well yet or sign up. I would love to hear ends well yet again because I thought it was incredible.

Okay, are you locking in full Fathom V? Yes, I'm locking it in. Full Fathom V is by William Shakespeare. Really? That's correct. Wow. So now let's go into round two, Uncharted Territory for me. Oh my God.

For the complete win. I'm absolutely floored. Now you're deciding between sign no more ladies and ends well yet. This is just for a bonus. OK. For my joy. Wow. Ends well yet.

Yeah. Or do you want to hear the other one? No, I want to hear the same in the same order. Ends well yet. Yeah. Perilous brothers rate and scheme bargaining with death and failing merrily sisters scud far off their last breath trading their senses for wailing Draw nearest your garments then that needeth to mend for all that begins must needeth to end

I still I mean I like it. I like it. Sigh no more, ladies. Sigh no more, ladies. Sigh no more. Men were deceivers ever, One foot in sea and one on shore, To one thing constant never. Then sigh not so, but let them go, And be you Blythe and Bonnie, Converting all your sounds of woe Into hazy, dark, and never, then sigh not so, but let them go, and be you Blythe and Bonnie, converting all your sounds of woe into hey, nonny, nonny.

I have to say, I really like both of these poems. So this is more of a coin flip than anything. Are you 51, 49 of any of them? No, I feel like both of them have, both of them have something that I think could be you. Is it the hey nonny nonny? No, like there's, it's things like that that make me feel like Amir wouldn't have come up with it.

Right. Hey nonny nonny. Yeah. But then. Does Enzwell yet have anything that I wouldn't have? Enzwell yet, like I just think that that's a really beautiful turn of phrase and I feel like you wouldn't have come up with that. But like I also, man, I also really thought

that the C one sucked. So maybe Shakespeare just kind of... Like I might just like you as a poet. More than William Shakespeare. That's cool. Yeah, I guess I'll say, read me that first one again. Ends well yet.

Ends well yet. Casey, do you have a inkling? I think I'm leaning towards the second one being you. Nonny Nonny. Nonny Nonny, yeah. Okay. Ends well yet. Perilous brothers brothers rate and scheme

Bargaining with death and failing yeah that that's too good to be you I think Fuck then go on merrily Sisters scud far off last their breath trading their senses for wailing last their breath, trading their senses for wailing. Draw nearest your garments then that needeth to mend for all that begins must needeth to end. Right. Yeah, I guess I'll say the Bonnie, the Nani Nani is you.

Nani Nani is me? Yeah. Sigh No More Ladies is by William Shakespeare. Wow. Wow. Ends well yet. Is a mere blue and fell original. That was actually really good.

It was really good. I thought it was a great poem. Yah! Dab on him. Wow. Hit him with a nay nay. Hit him with a nani nani. Hey n with a nae nae. Hey nae nae nae. Hey nae nae nae nae. Wow. And all I did was put two other Shakespeare poems together.

I want to know everything. And it fucking hit. It really hit. What were you saying with Enzwell yet? Well, I looked into Shakespeare poems and some of them were very long sonnets and some of them were like long speeches. And I'm like, okay, let me read some short ones. What are they about? And they're all like love, war, death, life. I'm like, okay, this first one is about ladies.

The second one is about love or father. And then this last one will be about war or death. I see. And you sort of read an early iteration when I say, oh, hounds of war. You said, you like saw that on my computer. Oh yeah, when we were recording something else, I saw.

Hounds of war, which is another phrase. So I'm like, okay, let me get rid of this one. Also this poem had a line from Hamlet, which is to sleep to die perchance to dream, or to die to sleep perchance to dream. And I asked Avital and she's like, no, that's kind of like, that'll tip them off because it's from Hamlet.

It wouldn't have. It is. So like if I did to die to sleep perchance to dream, you would be like, oh, that sounds Shakespearean. Yeah. But then also like. I mean, I only remember that line because it was in Billy Madison. Oh, interesting.

Yeah, it's a famous line at this point. Right, apparently. But then like, would that like make you think, oh, he did write that or he did borrow it? So I'm like, let me get rid of any Shakespeare borrowing. This is just, actually I did search certain words like sister scud far off. Scud is like another word for walking.

So I used the words. So yeah, how did you find the word scud? I searched Shakespearean walking and I found scud. Oh wow, that's really good. You really did go deep. You went deep. All right, congrats ma'am. Perilous brothers Rate and Scheme,

like that doesn't mean anything. Rate, it doesn't mean anything. That's a nothing for sure. But it was the bargaining with death and failing that got me. Yeah, and that was originally not that line because it didn't rhyme. The original version was Perilous Brothers Rate and Scheme,

bargaining toward death she. Oh yeah, that's bad. Yeah. So you're punching it up, it's actually working. Yeah, I punched it up and made it rhyme with wailing. And then I was afraid that all your sounds of woe into hey nonny nonny would be like, like you said, that's not anything I would have thought of.

Right, right. But then I didn't think that Ends Well Yet is a title that could come out of you. Yeah, at first it was All's Well That Ends Well. Yeah, that's bad. And I'm like, that doesn't make sense. Or that's like a famous phrase. Right.

And then it just said, ends well. Yeah. Then I had to yet. Ends well yet. Wow. We should write a book of poetry. No! I really don't think that would be good.

I thought that poem sucked. I thought it was good. And it's the last one I'll ever write. Really? Yeah. I feel like you found your voice. Really? Because I do have some other drafts.

It's Shakespearean. Good. Hey, Nonny Nonani was me too. And I also thought you thought Blythe and Bonnie would give it away as a Shakespeare thing, because like that, I would never know that phrase. Yeah, no, I kind of knew that one. So I was like, but in my head, I felt like that second poem was almost like

littered with random, like I think there was a hark in there. Yeah. It almost didn't feel like it was from the same era as the first two. So like that one felt like it was a modern poem that you tried to make Shakespearey by like just throwing in random words. And Full Fathom Five, I was jealous of that title because that doesn't, again, it doesn't mean anything,

but it feels real. I was trying to come up with something like full Fab of Five. No, I think the alliteration is something that you and I both sometimes do in poems because we like the cadence and that, I guess, reads as poetry for us. Also these rhyme, which I think we've never done before. Right, yeah, the rhymes actually hurt me a little bit.

Yeah, because they all three of them rhyme. Yeah, yeah. Well, we're tied. We're tied. We're tied. We're tied. Ha, ha, ha, one poem each. Ha, ha, ha, call me Amir Shakespeare. No.

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Yeah, but it's popcorn2.com. Popcorn for two. That's good. I could see AMC buying that because you're seeing a sequel. Right, you're already seeing it. You know there's this thing called Squarespace AI which lets you update written content on any website,

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That's correct. I use Squarespace over and over again, all the time. It is my go-to. Yeah, you've built multiple websites. Yes. Yes. It's kind of insane. You're like almost a Squarespace entrepreneur at this point. You must have made what, three, five, 50 websites? I am a mogul, yeah. I am a scion of Squarespace. So you know how easy it is to design

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That's pretty good, actually. Yeah, mine is bikeafly.com, which is also available. Really? Yeah. You can bike a fly? That's good. Yeah, you put a little flea on like a bike, like, oh my God, look at this tiny little circus.

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segments to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain by using that code segments. Yeah, that's squarespace.com slash segments to save 10% off your first purchase. And then when you're ready to launch, you'll just use that code segments. Thank you, Squarespace. Welcome back. Yeah. To a changed show, a better show. Oh, my God.

Ultimately. Jesus. You're falling apart. I'm not falling apart. The studio is falling apart. Falling apart. The studio is not falling apart. I took it apart.

I took it upon myself to become the poet laureate of Silver Lake. Stop with your turn of phrase. You know, Casey pointed out, you kind of just Frankenstein that together from other Shakespearean poems and words and stuff. I don't know how he did it. I don't know if I can Google it in AI.

It doesn't really count, okay? It doesn't count. That's not an original work. If anything. It doesn't really count, okay? It doesn't count. That's not an original work at all. Everything, it doesn't count because I emulated somebody else's style. I didn't create a style of my own. But you didn't argue that. I'm arguing it now.

All right, segment two. Let's throw it to an old school one we've done before. Back on our last podcast, we used to do some Q&A lightning round. Yes, that's right. Fans, friends, acquaintances, lend me your ear. I, Laertes of Guatemala. Shit, it's right. To die, to dream.

For chance to live. To sleep. These are questions that were submitted to us by our Instagram followers. That's good. On the Jake and Amir Insta. Yeah, we hopped on stories. If you guys aren't following, there's a Jake and Amir Instagram account,

so you can follow it. That's right. And sometimes ask us questions so fucking uniquely great. Like for example, Stolen Sheep wants to know, what are our top three fruits? Ooh, I think about this a lot. Why? What do you mean why?

Why do you think about it a lot? Because my daughter's trying food for the first time, and it's kind of wonderful to see her like certain fruits that I love, you know what I mean? Yeah, I wonder what makes a picky eater, like does it start now or do you think like she'll just eat anything now and then at age six be like, I don't like raspberries.

We're gonna find out. I think that at a certain point they start to understand like, you know, saying no and becoming their own person. So they might say no just cause, you know, just to introduce boundaries, I think. But right now she eats literally everything. And I also think that whatever this method that we're doing helps them eat and accept more foods.

Were you a picky eater as a child? As a child, I literally would only eat chicken nuggets and macaroni and cheese. I had cookies every morning for breakfast and every single night I either had Kraft macaroni and cheese, Annie's macaroni and cheese or dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets. What if they were just chicken nuggets

but not dinosaur shaped? I'm sure I would accept that. At a certain point, I started eating fish sticks cause they were kind of nugget-esque and I ate them. But like, yeah, my mom would cook food for the entire family, like pasta, grilled chicken. My dad would make meatloaf or meatballs. I had a special dinner every night

and it was macaroni and cheese or chicken nuggets. I wonder why seven year olds can subsist off that for eight years, but like if we tried it now, we'd have died already. I would be dead, yeah. I remember one time I went to my aunt's house for like a taco night, but I couldn't, I wouldn't eat anything.

You arrived with a little Ziploc bag of Kraft macaroni and cheese. Actually, I'll be eating this. I was so picky that the only thing I would eat was a hard shell taco with chopped up cucumbers in it. I still remember it because it was delicious. That's probably more shameful than the dropping out of college thing.

Let's get your parents back in. Yeah, yeah. I'd like to ask them. Why didn't you make Jake eat food? I just said I was allergic to peanut butter until I was 21. And you believe that shit? But now it's one of my favorite foods. So yeah, I was allergic to peanut butter until I was 21. You believe that shit? But now it's one of my favorite foods. So yeah, I was very picky as a kid.

So top three fruits? Well, I mean, strawberries, the goat for me. Interesting. Yeah. Not in your top three. Not in your top three. No. I think there's a nostalgic factory for the strawberry

or factor, excuse me. You got me saying that. If you're really thinking about fruits, I think you want to, you're thinking about the. It could just be any three fruits I think. No, it can't just be any three fruits. It can't be any three fruits because you think about blueberries, that's nice because there is no waste.

There's no effort. You don't have to peel into, and orange is a good fruit, but there's seeds, there's peeling. Yeah, there's issues. It's a high effort fruit. Watermelon is delicious. And that's probably in your top three, mistakenly so. Because what do you do?

Well, you have an entire watermelon. You have to chop it. You've got to cube it. Once it's out there, it's great, but it's the effort. Same with pineapple. Yeah. That's why I think it's strawberry, banana, and excuse me, I'm almost done.

Banana, also a peel. Yeah, but that's a pretty easy peel, and it actually works as a handle for the fruit as you're eating it, which you can't say the same thing about an orange peel or a cutie or a nectarine. Peach is pretty good, but there's the danger. I'm not even close to done. Lightly round.

I don't know why you're bored. Wow, next question. The danger of the pit, I was gonna say, chipping a tooth. It's blackberries number three for me. Blackberries. Strawberries, banana did I say? I don't know, you said a lot. Blackberries.

Blackberries in my top three. Cumb quads are good. Yeah, kiwis are not gonna make it for me. Banana number one, I have one every morning. It's the perfect breakfast. I like the flavor of it too. Banana bread, also delicious. Yeah, deliciouswis are not gonna make it for me. Banana number one, I have one every morning. It's the perfect breakfast. I like the flavor of it too. Banana bread, also delicious. Banana muffins.

Watermelon two, the only melon that doesn't have any negative to me. It's just I eat it and I have an insatiable appetite. It's not too tart, it's not too sweet. It's just chef's kiss. And I'll go blueberry third because I don't really eat blueberries but I do love the flavor. A blueberry muffin, a blueberry waffle,

a blueberry pancake, a blueberry smoothie. I like what it provides. And the color is awesome too. You rarely eat blue things. Blue, yeah, that's great. So those are my top three. All right, good. Very good.

How are your respective marriages? Says Ann Epiphany. Fine. Let's go, let's dive in there. That's good. How is your marriage? You've been married. I noticed you're not wearing the ring.

Yeah, I mean, it's been tough. It's a work in progress. I've been focusing on the poetry more than anything. Marriage is hard. It is an uphill battle. Yeah. I always go to bed hangry. And I wake up famished.

Yeah. Let me tell you, I was not feeding you. No. It's a cold shower. It's a cold sweat. No, I've been married for five years. It's gonna be six years. Yeah.

We had our like 10 year of being together anniversary recently. Oh wow. That's good. Yeah. We had our like 10 year of being together. Oh, wow. Recently. That's good. Yeah, I don't know. It's good. What can you say? It's nice to have a partner in life. We might go on a honeymoon eventually. That's an update. Yeah. No where and when yet. I was going to say because you're you're, you know, no gifts just contribute to the honeymoon fund. Yeah.. And then you didn't have one planned. It was kind of just felt like I was just giving you cash.

Yeah, did you give me cash? Yeah, Venmo requested it back last week. Oh, I didn't see that. I didn't notice that. But I did see that $350 were taken from our shared joint bank account. Yes, that's correct. Yeah, that was for the,

that was the wedding gift reimbursement plan. Yeah, it was a reimbursement because I haven't seen you go on a honeymoon. And if you're doing something like, oh, we're gonna go to Catalina, like that doesn't count. Yeah, like we're gonna go to Big Bear. No, not for mine $350.

Yeah, I'd like to see you go international. Where are you gonna go? Potentially Japan, potentially Hawaii, potentially Italy. Basically wherever the White Lotus takes place we're interested in. Yeah, that's awesome. They have three very different locations.

Appreciate it. Is it gonna take place in Japan in season three? I believe it's Thailand or East Asia in season three. Would you guys ever join Ben Schwartz for his improv shows? Ask TJ Quintillion. No. No chance.

What have he asked you to? I would have to say no. Really? I would be way too afraid. Yeah. It would be terrifying, but if he asked me to, I probably would try to fart something out on stage. Yeah.

It might be embarrassing, but at the very least, I'll get paid to go to Denver. Yeah, that's true, that's true. I think I put more of a, more stock into me being embarrassed in front of Ben or me like letting him down. It's interesting because we've never taken improv classes, but we've seen improv, and when I see it,

I'm like, I feel like I can do it because I'm funny. It's kind of like if I was like a professional athlete in basketball, I think I can fart around in football. I wouldn't be a professional football player, but like I can run really fast and catch the ball. Like I'm funny and I do bits with Jake, so I feel like I can understand how to do improv.

Yeah, but like, I mean, he goes with three other people, or four other people, and you're getting tapped into scenes all the time. I don't know how to do the minutia like that. Yeah, I think that would be really tough. I think if it, I mean, if we could go on tour, me, you and Ben, and it's like some hybrid improv crowd work, whatever us doing bits, that's perfect.

Yeah. I could love, I would love that. But you don't want to be thrown onto like the dream team. like some hybrid improv crowd work, whatever us doing bits, that's perfect. I would love that. But you don't wanna be thrown onto the dream team. If Colton Dunn taps me into a scene and sits me down in a chair, I'm like, I'm afraid. I don't know. I'm scared. No.

What do you think is funny? No. What guy should I be in this one? Yeah, you're a dog. Tap, tap, run to edit. Yeah, I don't know the rules per se, and when it all comes together, it're a dog. Ben, tap, tap, run to edit. Yeah, I don't know the rules per se, and when it all comes together, it's very impressive, but I feel like I can be the fourth best improviser

on stage without ruining the show. Yeah, yeah. I might be wrong though. Right, yeah. No, I think you would ruin the show. Yeah, it might be noticeable. I feel like Ben should give us a shot. Top three vegetables to own by Amir William Shakespeare.

Corn, who goes there? This is Callum Dunlop just says, "'Come to New Zealand?' What do you think about that? That could be a good honeymoon as well. Yeah, that'd be great. Especially if we're going in like the winter. You and I basically, we've done a lot of honeymoons. We've done a lot of really romantic trips that we should have

brought our partners on. We've gone to Hawaii, we've gone to Amsterdam. Yeah, remember when we were in Portugal? Yes, that was beautiful. It was lovely. It was lovely. We felt the need to Eskimo kiss after sharing a rose at a vineyard. We've been to a vineyard. Yes, we've been to a vineyard. That's true. We've been. That's true. Who has the higher vertical leap, says TJ Boogie. Definitely you. Really? Yeah.

I thought you were gonna say you. No, I don't do, because of all of the years of foot injuries, I was only doing low impact stuff from my feet. I think I've lost my ability to jump. Yeah, but you still run. You play basketball. Yeah, but just because I play I've lost my ability to jump. And you play basketball. Yeah, but just because I play basketball doesn't mean I can jump high. Can you jump over a tennis net?

I think the mental is a block for me over the physical. Maybe if there was a ton of cushions on the other side, I would attempt it. But it's not worth it to me. I'm too injury prone. Like I wouldn't, at our old office, you like, remember there was that loading dock, and you're like, I think I can jump up on this.

So I think I can box jump this. Yeah, box jump the loading dock. Yeah, like even when I do box jumps at the gym, I'm on like the 18 inch one or the 16 inch one. Right, the lowest one. The lowest one. I don't like the 18 inch one or the 16 inch one right the lowest one lowest one I don't like the idea of hurting myself. So you think you can jump higher than me? Sharpen still I feel like I could do improvised Shakespeare at this fucking point like I got the improv I got the

World where you can't throw me into Verona and I can outwit slash cun anybody within my reach. Will you ever do a live show in London again? But I'll one up that and will we ever do a live show again? How about a live segment? Somebody asked any plan on doing a live segments and what do you think that would look like? Oh, I mean, that would be great. Oh, here we go.

Yeah, Shane Cananagans. How do you guys think a live segments would go? I mean, we'd have to do poetry or poetry. At this point, it's a classic. Yeah. Would we do a mystery guest with somebody off stage? That would be really impressive because we'd have to fly said someone out.

Yeah, that would be. That'll be a lot of work for the mystery guest. Yeah. If I find your second grade teacher and fly her to Minnesota in February. I mean, I would have to guess it was like, I mean, I would just know that it was either Ben. A close friend.

Jeff. Somebody that would come in and also that we could bring out on stage. Right. Or it would be an LA or New York show. Oh, right, right. I guess I was imagining it being in London. Winnipeg.

With this person. Yeah. No, yeah, I. I guess I was imagining it being in London. Winnipeg. Like this person asked. Yeah. No, yeah, I feel like we could definitely plan a good live segments. We just go through all the best ones we've ever done. Or maybe ones that we didn't wanna do because they're too high effort. Probably easier than the If I Were You live shows,

which would require us reading a bunch of questions and deciding which one is the funniest to answer live. Yeah, yeah. I guess we could also do some, since we wouldn't necessarily have to release it as a podcast, we could do like a majorly visual thing and just have like a big screen to. Oh, interesting.

50 like tweet live. Ooh, now that's good. That's very good. Where would we do it is the question. Not New York or LA. It's gotta be. Toronto? T.DOT, I love that.

The six? Mm-hmm. Favorite form of cold weather precipitation asks J.A. Fine for. What the options are like. Wintery mix? Sleet. Sleet?

How is it not snow? It's gotta be snow, cause it's gotta be tide. It's dry and wide. It's gotta be snow. It's nice. Obviously it's snow. Yeah.

You got a question for us? Yeah. I'm getting married in July. How do I make the day all about me? A lot of good marriage questions actually. I mean, the vows are a big part. That's your sort of time to shine. That's the one I took the most seriously. Again, Avital's mom planned nearly the entire thing,

but the vows were like specifically my purview. I had to write and potentially memorize what to say. And your vows were great. Yours didn't make me cry, but Avital's made me cry. Yeah, you mentioned that a lot. Hers were gorgeous. Yeah, thank you. I took her aside after the wedding

and I said, he's not the one for you. I heard what you said and he did not. He's not the one for you. I heard what you said and he did not. I thought I was gonna have a chance to intervene but I feel like that's not a Jewish custom because I said I don't. They didn't say anything about like if anyone has a reason for them not to be wed.

Have you ever heard that at an actual wedding? I feel like that's only in movies and stuff. I have heard it at an actual wedding and I feel like I remember just being like this. I'm so nervous. Like, why would anyone say anything? Please. It's obscene.

Favorite Simpsons episode. Do you have one? Mark Pergola. I have one. Do you have one? I don't know if I have one. I mean, there were so many that I liked. I think maybe I'll say Monorail.

That's a good one. That one was up there for me when I was younger. Conan wrote it. Yeah. Did you know that? Yeah, I did know that. I wonder if that's why I stuck with it. Itchy and Scratchyland.

Oh, that's good stuff. They go to Itchy and Scratchyland. It's sort of them skewering Disneyland. Yeah. Pretty funny. You know what's weird? It's like I grew up watching Simpsons, I wanna say as much as you.

I was also obsessed with it. I watched it every single week. I watched all the reruns. I loved Simpsons. I had the books. I watched it every single week. I watched all the reruns. I loved Simpsons. I had the books. I had the dolls, but like, I can't remember it the way that you can. It's like, it's not a part of my memory as much anymore.

But is it a part of your sense of humor? It must be, yeah. But I, like, you can, you know all of the episodes. You know the jokes. Yeah, like Simpsons trivia. Yeah, I wouldn't know that. Well, I used to VHS record them and give them titles and re-watch it, even beyond.

I went above and beyond. Wow. So maybe that's why. It's gotta be. Okay, you're 18 again. What job would you do now? Alex Sundin. Probably student.

I would probably go to college, yeah. Right. 18, that's pretty young. I wasn't equipped to do anything. Yeah, would you is there a different job? I guess if you went back now, you had all of your knowledge. You're 18. You would still go to college Is it 2024? Oh? Let's say no you're going back in time. Okay I would invest in Amazon, Microsoft, Nvidia, Whole Foods. I would invest in Apple. I would put my entire life savings. How much money do you have when you're 18? $91. Yeah. I'm making 3,000 X by the

time I reach this age and then in 2024 I diversify I go straight to small market cap. No job you what you're just a day trader Sorry, I'm just giving myself investment advice I put 10% aside and high yield high risk low reward index funds I thought about this recently like even I guess going back that far wouldn't make sense But I was like if I went if I had a time machine I went back to 2020 yeah like I still don't know if I could make a ton of money right like I don't you haven't been paying attention I haven't been paying enough attention to the stock market I guess bitcoin is the one thing that I but even that went high and then dropped yeah crypto for sure I would be yeah it would just be like okay

so like buy apple stock which I'm pretty sure was really expensive then also. I think Tesla and Nvidia specifically, which is like this software that powers all the AI is going crazy. Oh, Nvidia, that's good. That's a good tip. It's a good tip for your 18 year old self. But this guy wants to know what job you'd have at age 18.

Job at 18. I think the spirit of the question is, if you're 18 today, what would you go into? I see. Maybe like Job at 18. I think the spirit of the question is if you're 18 today, what would you go into? I see. Maybe like he's 18. Right. I feel like it would have to be lean AI something. Like AI,

bot. Editor or illustrator or like, cause there is, it's not as simple as I know how to use it and then it just happens. It's like, you still have to know how to use the tool even though the tool is very powerful. Right, I do think it's gonna replace everybody. So you have to work with it, not against it.

I liken it to like when the computer came out, it's like okay, illustrators still exist now, they just use a different tool. But like the hand illustrators maybe took a hit. So editors, writers, artists are now gonna have to use a different tool. But like the hand illustrators maybe took a hit. So editors, writers, artists are now gonna have to use this new tool. So you might as well like get in now. Because I don't know how to use this stuff either. I see like AI samples online.

I'm like, I don't know how to sign up for this. I don't know if this is like only for a certain select few people. I didn't dig into it. Me, I'd be a fitness influencer. That's awesome. Yeah. So you'd do a thousand jumping jacks in a day.

I would look hot, be rich, and have an awesome apartment. I would be Mr. Beast's beast. Yeah. I would fucking say, I would have a YouTube on it. I'd have a YouTube. A plane into space. Yes, yes.

I would be like, I'm gonna put 100 year old in space. I'm gonna put the oldest and youngest person in space. I ate a thousand donuts and this is what happened next. I drank so much I died. Yeah. And it's just juice. Right. Like kinda like when you got food poisoning.

Exactly right, exactly right. All right, one last question. Yes. Who has the highest right. All right, one last question. Yes. Who has the highest vertical leap? Oh wait, we already answered that one. What's an American city you still haven't been to that you want to visit? I haven't spent much time.

This is also a good question for where we should have our first segments live show. Yeah, well that was a Canadian city I thought, Toronto. You said you'd never been in North Dakota. Yeah, that's, a Canadian city I thought. Toronto. Yeah, Toronto. You said you'd never been to North Dakota. Yeah, that's, yeah, never been to North Dakota. I think you should watch Fargo and go there. I should, yeah? I think you should watch Fargo and move there.

I think you should go there in the winter. I would love to, yeah. I think you should freeze to death in Fargo. Yeah, I got it. Die in North Dakota. This is your last day, and it's your last date of being. You know what I mean? Like, bye bye, 50 up, 50 down.

And at the end of the day, ends well, yeah. All's well that ends well. Take all your garments that needeth to mend. Yes. For all that begins must needeth to end. Now when you heard that. It was gorgeous. It moved you.

It was gorgeous and I wonder what AI tool you used to write it. Because it wasn't just you. It wasn't just you. It was gorgeous. And I wonder what AI tool you used to write it because it wasn't just you. It wasn't just you. You were Googling. Yes, you were Googling. You were copying, you were pasting. You were changing one word for another. Yes, yes, I get it now.

But you want me to go and bargain with death and fail in Bismarck, I see. In Bismarck, ideally. Haven't spent too much time in Dover. I'd like to spend a week in Delaware to see what happens. Yeah, yeah. Who's a no to that? Maybe Abhital will give you a hall pass.

It's like, can I have a hall pass for anyone in Delaware? Would you take that bet? Abhital says you can have a hall pass for the weekend, but you have to spend it in Dover. Interesting. And if you don't use it, I would have to, there have to be repercussions. Like I wouldn't just fly to Dover and try to have sex.

I'd be like, and she's like, and if you don't, then you owe me like a hundred thousand dollars. I'm like, oh shit, now I gotta go to fucking Delaware. I don't even know where I'd go. Do you think that you could have sex in Dover in three days, three day weekend? You think I could bend over in Dover? No.

No, I don't think I could, just because at my age slash current, I have this muskiness about me these days. We're kind of almost an anti-pheromone that repels me. Yes, yes, yes. Could I use an app? You're decrepit. Yeah're kind of almost an anti-Pheromone that repels me. Could I use an app? You're decrepit. Yeah, could I use an app?

You could use an app. I feel like with an app, I don't know, it's still really hard. Yeah, really hard. Even at the height of my powers, we're going out, being a little more noticeable, slash did live shows, and like, the best version of myself.

Yeah. It wasn't a hundred percent success rate. And now you're putting me at this age in a smaller city. Dover, giving me one weekend. One weekend. I mean, I could potentially go out on a few dates, but who's to say what'll end up happening there. You'd have to fall in love. It wouldn't just be like a fling.

You'd have to woo someone. Match on Friday, go on a date on Saturday, say you need to see her again. Sunday afternoon delight. Yeah, no, I'm saying no. I have to, I can't do that. Okay. And nor do I want to.

Cool. That'd be a fun segment though, to try. Me explaining this to Avi Tal. You see, it's like a segment though. So it's like sometimes you come up with poetry, sometimes I try really, really hard to cheat on you. We'll see what happens. It'll be in Delaware.

So odds are nothing will happen. Have you spent any time in Delaware? I mean, I don't think so. I think I've only been driven through on the, like I've spent time in Maryland and I think that's really probably the closest I ever got to just going through it. You've been to Andover, but not In-dover.

That's right. That's right. Very good. Thanks for watching, guys. Wow. Thank you to Rocket Money for sponsoring this episode of our show. Wow. Very exciting.

Jake, did you know nearly 75% of people have subscriptions that they just completely forgot about? I did know that, but only because we've done one of these ads before and I was floored when I found out. Yeah, streaming content, you download an app to learn a thing and then 13 months later you're paying $6.95 for a flexibility course that you haven't taken since 2022. You're as stiff as a board. I mean, my God.

That's gonna happen. Well, thank you because Rocket Money is a personal finance app. That's right. That finds and cancels your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending and helps lower those bills so you can grow your savings. Beautiful.

Rocket Money sort of scours your bill. They say, get rid of this, this, that and the other. And then you can suddenly find yourself with some extra cash in your pocket. Exactly, right. Rocket Money has over five million users and has saved a total of $500 million in canceled subscriptions, holy smokes.

Really good. An average of $740 a year when you use the apps. Robust features. You found some stuff on Rocket Money that you canceled, right? Yes, yes. I mean, you don't have to name names, of course, but like, what, you saved, I thought you said Robust features you found some stuff on rocket money that you cancelled right? Yes. Yes I mean you don't have to name names of course, but like what you saved I thought you said close to 1500 $1,600 a month. That's a easy desert a lot of gray area

Quasi-legal no kind of dangerous subscriptions that was money found that wasn't and canceled Yeah, and actually now I want them back That wasn't me. And canceled. Mm-hmm, yeah, and actually now I want them back. I'm scared without them. So stop wasting money on things you don't use. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to rocketmoney.com slash segments.

Oh yeah. That's rocketmoney.com slash segments, rocketmoney.com slash segments. Segment. Thank you, Rocket Money. Thank you to Helix for sponsoring this episode of our show. Oh yeah, baby. Jake, you love Helix. You sleep on a Helix. I certainly do. That is correct. I'm proud to do it. It's your favorite mattress. You know why? Because

it's personalized to you. That's right. I took the sleep exam. I passed the sleep test. I am certified licensed professional, professional, sleep, not quiz, test taker. Kind of like the bar, but for mattresses, folks. Yeah, it says you take a Helix Sleep Quiz and you can find your mattress in under two minutes. For some. Super fast. Super simple.

It took me 11 days to take that test. Jesus Christ. Yes, it was open book, but I really wanted it to be perfect. Of course it's open book. It's just how you sleep. Not just that, but yeah, kind of. And then Helix has a lineup of over 20 unique mattresses,

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Starts right now. That's right. Thanks, Helix. Thank you. All right, last segment. Yes, yes, yes. You came up with potential log lines for films that don't exist yet.

Yes. And we're gonna see if we can flesh them out into a fully formed idea. Yes, ideally you are going to give me kind of like a synopsis based on this tagline. Okay. Not a log line. This is a tagline.

This is what goes on the poster. Under the title. Yeah, under the title. You can title the movie, you can cast the movie. You can give the synopsis. This is me sort of being an AI. Yeah. Okay.

Love is a battlefield. Literally. Oh yeah, I think you don't need the literally, right? Really? Yeah, cause everything is sort of a double entendre. Okay, so we'll lose the literal. Yeah. Yeah.

Love is a battlefield. I'm serious. Okay. I like the song. Love is a battlefield. Could be for the trailer. love is a battle field, could be for the trailer. Right, exactly.

Yeah, like Top Gun 3. A remix, yeah. Maybe like a Top Gun, but like the lady that Tom Cruise, did you see the new Top Gun? Yeah. Like what if she's like now trying out to be like a co-fighter pilot. Oh, that's good. So it's like him verse, instead of the enemy,

it's him verse her in a way. Right, that's good. So it's Top Gun 3, Maverick verse, I forget her name. What's a female goose? A gander? Yeah, Maverick versus gander. We are young, heartache to heartache. And they could call it top bun.

That's good because she has a man bun. Yeah, she has a man bun. It's just a bun. At that point, yeah. She's like, oh, I'm going to be a man. She's like, oh, I'm going to be a man. She's like, oh, I'm going to be a man. She's like, oh, I'm going to be a man.

She's like, oh, I'm going to be a man. She's like, oh, I'm going to be a man. She's like, oh, I'm going to be a man. She's like, oh, I'm going to be a man. She's like, oh, I'm going to be a man. She's like, oh, I'm going to be a man. that's like a hair up in yes She has a bun cuz that's how she gets the flight helmet. Oh, that's cool. Yeah, the top bun in the oven. Yeah We are bun I mean she does sail in the fucking top gun too. You remember that scene where he's like trying to figure out how to sail. He's like, let me show you, you gotta go like this. So they're co-pilots.

And yeah, you've already got the stars, it's Tom Cruise and whoever the lady was. And it's pretty perfect. What was her name? The lady in Top Gun, do you remember Casey? Jennifer Coolidge, Garner? Jennifer something? Not Coolidge.

Jennifer something. Connolly. Connolly, Jennifer Connolly, yeah. Yes, all right, cool. Okay, so Connolly is attached. Super attached actually. That's when she's literally attached to the film regardless of if it goes or not.

Yeah, that's when you stapled her hand to the script. She has to do it. She can't go anywhere without it. She's handcuffed. The perfect crime can only be solved by someone imperfect. That's all on the poster. The perfect crime can only be solved by someone imperfect. Yeah, before it was the perfect crime

can only be solved by an imperfect man, but I wanted to leave you room in case it wasn't a man or even a human interesting. What is an imperfect man? It's a detective but he has a lazy eye, which is what Columbo vice. Yeah somebody with a vice Yeah an inherent vice right but that's most like detective movies. It's like John McClain like he's a drunk. Yeah, so you come up with your diehard, your John Wicks. Yes, exactly. What's this one guy's fatal flaw? He's a detective, but yeah, like Sherlock Holmes, but.

Yeah. He's got one leg or something. No, no, it can't be like that. We can't be ableist. Blind. I don't think that we, I think it should be. What about a deaf detective? Deaf-tective?

A detect-tiff. So he can only see through. I'm not calling that person imperfect though, cause that's really problematic. So then what the fuck is imperfect without offending anyone? I don't know, he's obsessed with balloons. He's a lunar. Oh, that's cool.

Like he gets off to balloons that's actually really offensive though really yes because I'm fetish shaming yeah kink shaming that's what it's called okay so okay calling someone imperfect man it's like I feel like my back's against the wall here yeah supposed to do well I'm not perfect what is what is that what say? And then for the trailer there, we're playing, I'm not a perfect person. I'll deal with, I'll. And the reason is you.

Different song, right? I think it's the same song. Okay. But I'm gonna deal with the soundtrack cause I have to talk to Warner. We have to get the rights. It's like, it's a whole bunch of like legal mumbo jumbo. Yeah, and I don't want to get you involved

with those negotiations. Because of your talent. Like if you say we need the song in the trailer, that really cuts us off at the knees. That fucks our leverage up right then and there. The perfect crime can only be committed or solved by some. Solved, yeah. Yeah.

Oh, committed is pretty good too though. Oh, so the guy is also the assassin or? Yeah. Oh, what if his imperfection is that he's a criminal? So he's like, I'm solving this crime, but I actually committed it. Is that what Memento is, where it's like a guy's trying to solve a mystery and it's like him

But he doesn't remember that he saw did the crime to begin and he's leaving himself clues Do you remember that at all memento my memory of memento is he? He's like Joey pants is using him to kill people that he's like saying like that guy killed your wife But he doesn't forget any but it's he also the guy trying to solve the crime? Like a two-faced situation. I don't remember if he's trying to solve it. I think he wakes up and he's like, who am I? What are these things?

So he's trying to figure out who he is. Yeah. Interesting. I want the criminal to be the detective. Yeah. I browned out and committed a crime and then it's like, I'm fucking trying to solve this mystery and it's me. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. That might be the Bourne identity too. Okay. Saving the world is his latest homework assignment. Womp womp. So it's a kid's movie, he's 12 but he's also fucking Batman or something. Yeah. But he's not perfect.

Yeah. Nobody's perfect, don't worry. We'll always give this character a flaw, but it's like a sixth grader, seventh grader is also a superhero. Kind of like a bat kid. Ooh, bat kid is good. Cause he's also a bat kid for like a baseball team.

Like a Robin. Yes, exactly. Are there any child superheroes? The Incredibles? Are there any, Kick-Ass is pretty young. Yeah, but like I'm young I'm a crime fighter Problem solver and also I have to do algebra homework. Yeah, right It's kind of spider-man asked like oh, I gotta go stop this bank robbery, but I might get grounded

by my uncle Come to think of it. Why do I care what my uncle thinks at all? I'm fucking spider-man. I should fucking come out of my wrists It's not calm. Well, it's something. Yeah, it's a threat. Yeah, right. It's webs. It's wet. It's wet It's webs. It's wet. It's wet. It's wet. It's wet. It's not semen. Yeah, it's no way. Yeah. That's part of the movie.

It's like, remember that Disney show that Ben was doing the voice for, like Randy Cunningham, fifth grade ninja. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's like, Daryl McMexican, seventh grade fucking dude. What's his superpower? He can do homework really fast.

So he's just a smart kid. He's cheating. He's a nerd. He's a nerd. Yeah, cause it's always like fantasy wish fulfillment with these things. Right. You're a shy fucking high schooler,

but also they don't know that at night, you're a cool dude. Yeah, you're a cool dude. Who is gonna play Daryl McMexican is the question. Well it's gotta be someone who can jump high. And it's gotta be someone who's 12. Or at least can play 12. Interesting.

I haven't seen you without a beard recently. I am like, yeah. You think you still got it? I'm afraid to shave cause I think I have this like rash. Yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah It's an abscess The main character that's the side of your face. I can see your tongue Yeah, like that's not supposed to happen right through the cheek. I have a translucent Not super attached is the thing ends well yet

Why don't we finish this episode the way it was meant to begin? is not super attached is the thing. Ends well yet. Why don't we finish this episode the way it was meant to begin, with a poem, an actual farce noir if you think about it. By Amir Shakespeare Blumenfeld. You're so fucking proud. No, I'm not that proud. I'm just happy to be joyous and think about the way that

I won and you lost, really. So if that makes me proud, then I guess you'd say death be not proud. For she rang to him. That's just something I invented off the top of my desk. For she rang to him. So you can honestly tell how good this one is. well yet perilous brothers rate and scheme bargaining with death and failing Merrily sister nearly good far off and got last their breath Trading their senses for wailing. That's good nearest your garments then that needeth to mend for all that begins Must need it

Oh, I slammed my laptop on my dick For all that begins must need a stand. Oh, I slammed my laptop on my dick. Oh, I'm shitting myself. Get yourself a Shakespeare. You both is what I'm trying to say. All right, thanks for listening. Thank you for watching. Always on the YouTube, always on the Spotify, the Apple music, wherever you listen. Thank you for watching. Always on the YouTubes, always on the Spotify, the Apple music, wherever you listen.

Always on the Patreon. Of course, we're also making videos on Patreon.com slash ja. Every Thursday, if you want more of us, Insatiable Appetites, you can head over there. And we'll be back next week, shan't we? Let's do it. Namaste, goodbye everybody. That was a Hidgum Original.