If I Were You - 240: Cavity (Live in Chicago!)

Episode Date: October 24, 2016

In this episode we discuss bleeding, tasting, and poisoning.This episode is brought to you by Leesa, ZipRecruiter, and Seeso!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

Ladies and gentlemen, you may recognize these guys from their failed true TV pilot, or perhaps their podcast. Either way, if I were you, I'd put my hands together right now for Jake and Amir! Wow! Chicago, eh? Okay! Yes, dude! This is fun! Yes, dude! Wow! How's your ankle feeling? Fine! Oh, no. What? All right, cool. No, it looks, I can see it swelling over the shoe. Yeah! Oh boy! It is plump! I'm rocking a size 12 on the left, a woman's five on the right. Virtually a peg leg on your right. That's right. I'm a plump little nugget down there. How are you guys doing?

This is a fun show. This is that Friday night shit. Yeah, dude. That Chicago shit. Yeah, the Chicago, that deep-dish pizza stuff. Yeah, indeed. Kanya's from Chicago. Do I fucking know? I can't see. You got to turn the hat around. I can't. Do you see it's a Cubz hat? Lifelong Cubz fan right here, everybody. I did not buy this hat at the airport today. We weren't gonna call you out. Just letting everybody know. I didn't. I was born with this hat. Very uncomfortable for my mother. What's the do with the white socks? Does anybody like the white socks? Shit, I have to go get a different hat. You're just trying to placate everybody. The back says white

socks. Go socks. God, look at all these people. My god, man. This is so exciting. You're beefing? I'm beefing. Yeah, I'm legit beefing right now. We're sharing a beef. So exciting. Who here has never seen us live before? Wow, solid. All right. All new, right? Crazy, right? This is the first time we ever did a podcast in Chicago. That's right, right? You guys tell me. All right, great. So let's do it. We did three in Evanston and six in Joliet, Illinois. I remember the Joliet show. Yeah, we did a tour, a run of Joliet shows. It must have been seven shows and six nights at the Joliet Cafe. No one came to one. Yeah, nobody showed up. Completely

empty. This is before the podcast. So why would they come? Sorry, I worked at the Joliet Cafe, is what I meant to say. You were a busboy. Yeah, that's right. I would wipe down the countertops. We know what the busboys do. Okay. So for those of you don't know, this is a podcast, a live podcast, an advice podcast. Jake and I host an advice show called If I Were You. Yes. Yes. That's right. You don't have to applaud, but it does feel good when you do. People will email us. They're in sticky situations. They're seeking our guidance, our wisdom, and that makes sense. I mean, look at me. I got my shit together. And we do our best to answer these

questions. Sometimes it's just us sort of cradling each other, naked, sweating in like a sweat lodge type situation in our studio. Yeah, yeah. High on ayahuasca, spooning in the dark. Yeah, pitch black. You don't know true pitch black until you've been our podcast recording studio. Yeah, eyes open, closed. No difference at all. I can't tell the difference because I am wet from the head down slick, shiny. The cogs in Minority Report or something. Yeah. That's how we do. Wetter still, like a sauna. Have you ever been to do a sauna but complain that it's too hot because it's too stinky and sauna? What the fuck is this? A sauna. You're talking

about a sauna? No, no, no. This is different. I am not sure if that's true. So I'm gonna let it go. Maybe sound is extra wet sauna. I don't fucking know. And sometimes we'll do it in front of all of our friends in Joliet, Illinois. And as always, we begin our podcast by doing two minutes about our sponsors. Let's face away from the audience. Okay. This one's brought to you by me on these. That's right. Have you ever heard of Modal? What? Modal. You're pulling up the talking points on your eye watch. That'd be cool. Let's do the show. Let's do the show. What do you say we get a little closer to these guys? This dude right here. Hey, the beefy man in the dope shirt. I like that. Actually, I'm gonna get a little further away.

Fine. Leave me alone with my dude. This guy's in a lot. I know people are listening at home, can't see, but there's a dude in the front row in a lobster costume. What are you gonna do after the show? Are you just gonna go walk around Chicago in the lobster costume? He already did. Awesome. Lobster, man. Sexually assaults four. What's in that box? Oh, so you brought a box with loose cash. That's like, it's such a big box. Did security fucking pat this guy down? It's a box roughly the size of like a portable record player, right? That's like a... What do you usually have in your pockets? Two pizzas. Checks out. Boy. So on my phone, in my hand, are real emails from real people. These are real

humans seeking our guidance. What we do is give them fake names to preserve their anonymity. I heard a couple, I heard a couple of Crandices. Yeah, Crandice, I got you. I feel you. Let's do Crandice in this situation is a guy. Crandice writes, so here's my problem. Seven months ago, I started dating a dime, a 10 cent piece. Okay. Yeah. That's what's up. Everything was peachy. Everything was peachy and going well until my dentist appointment came about a month ago. Okay. No idea where this could possibly go. I bet you guys are wrong. I get nervous about the dentist because my teeth are really, really bad. When asked about going to the dentist, my girlfriend was concerned about my dentist

anxiety and asked to see my teeth. Fuck no, I said. I won't let it happen. I have one cavity so bad that sometimes I have blood in my shit. Do I have to read the rest of that sentence or can you guys connect the dots? It is kind of a riddle. He has a cavity so bad he shits blood. His mouth is so not good that he's affecting his anus. Yeah. Feed away blood. Yeah. Yeah. Dr. Kanye with a confronting a medical mystery. Yeah. Kanye, the periodontist does not approve. I have one cavity so bad that I sometimes I have blood in my shit because my mouth bleeds so much. There you are. Yeah. Anyways, never.

Enough about me. Whatever. Going to fix my teeth is obviously more of a recent thing. So how do I Jedi mind trick my girlfriend into forgetting about my teeth whenever it comes up? Which is probably more often than it should. I worry she'll break up with me if she looks in my mouth. PS, if she doesn't break up with me, I know kissing would be different, but do you think I could still go down on her without her thinking about my mouth of shame? Love, Crandis. Give it up for Crandis. Mouth of shame. How did he get out of it the first time? She's like, let me see her teeth and he's no. How do you not see someone's teeth? It's not like he's hiding them in his closet,

but cavities aren't in the front. They're like they're on the on the top of the cavity can be a hole in any tooth. He says his teeth are so bad he shits blood. Are you telling me this girl can't see that? I don't know. Well, I'm not I'm not condoning his teeth. That's for sure. It seems like his problem is way more so the teeth than hiding them from his girlfriend. Hiding his teeth. Yeah, focus on the real problem at hand. What is he wearing? A surgical mask always? How do you, how can you never show any, I can understand hiding your bottom teeth, like I can't always do that. Then there's some people that hide the top. No, actually, I can't do that one. Trump does that a lot. The like,

right? Listen, we all love Trump, but come on. What is he hiding? His taxes, his top teeth, something's got to give. You should, you should be a pundit with that shit. Really? Yeah. A pundit? I shouldn't have played the Trump card that are you got a little bit of booze for that for that one, which I understand. That's understandable. Yeah. So he's hidden his teeth this long, however possible. Now he's going to the dentist where he should be going to what is the ass doctor? Oh, a proctologist? G.I. I.G. G.I. Gastrointestinal. When you shit blood, who are you calling? Yeah, G.I. So you should be going to that doctor. He knows where the blood's coming from. It's not in his butt. It's from his mouth. A hole in his mouth so, so deep that it bleeds always. I guess

there's, I'm not a doctor, but you're not in anything. I'm a Cubs fan. Unless they lose, then the Dodger hat comes on. Then it was rigged. All right. I think if you're swallowing blood, why does it go into your shit and not your piss? Oh, let me think about it. I think he's got another problem. I think in addition to his bad teeth, he has a bad ass. Yeah. When you drink stuff, does that water go into your stomach or does it go bypass your stomach straight into like the bladder? I don't know. Cause sometimes when I drink a lot of whiskey, my shit is sort of different. Yeah. Whiskey shit. That's what they call it. And also the whiskey dick. Whiskey makes everything better. Or a lot worse.

So this guy's bad teeth, a cavity, a hole in his tooth, so bad he shits blood. He wants to know how can he hide it from his girlfriend? The answer is, you can't. You cannot. Nor, I think she probably already knows. I think he's sort of. Oh yeah, definitely. She knows you have bad teeth. Yeah. And she's still down. She's still down. Yeah. That's nice. What if he was going down on her and one of his teeth fell out? Oh, what if one of her pubes wrapped around the cavity? Oh, yeah. Like when you floss and they close the door, man used to slam the door. That's right. Oh, it's not disgusting. He's the one that's doing it. We're just describing it to you. Hypothetically. Yeah. All we're doing is saying things. He's the one that's never doing it.

You're the perverts that are picturing it. Oh, gross. Anyway, so it's like a lasso of pubic hair at that point. And the way that cavity works is that it's a hook. What? The negative space creates a hook in his teeth? I didn't realize that. Is that how cavities work? His cavity, his fake cavity. Oh, also his anal cavity, which is producing blood from his mouth hole. Yeah, he should get his anal cavity filled that way. It's the same thing the doctor puts on the fucking sunglasses and he does the laser. Oh, the drill. Yeah. The Novocaine first. Let's move on. Because I'm sure his girlfriend already has. She's accepted him for what he is. So yeah, why don't you enjoy her because who knows when you'll find somebody that doesn't mind that you're shitting blood from your teeth.

That's good enough for Crandis one more time. Should we ask Lobster Man for a female name? That's a nice idea. He just opened his mouth and 40 sardines came out. Oh my god, you're getting into character. You're a crustacean, man. Are you crustacean? You are half crustacean? That's good. You are chugging water like you like you need it to survive. And it's salt water. I can see that's what you brought in the box. Glasses of salt water and kelp. Holy shit. I always saw there's no food here, but you're eating kelp. Kelp. I need some seaweed. Kelp.

Not just any seaweed? Kelp. I don't know the rest of you. When I was young. All right. Do you have a female's name? That's pretty good, actually. Did you come up with Fontaine Overy on the spot? Somebody else. You alley-ooped Fontaine Overy? This isn't a test that you had to cheat. He didn't have to whisper the answer. You could have said anything. That being said, Fontaine Overy was the correct answer. Okay. So he said Fontaine, you said Overy together, Fontaine Overy. Now that we know the origin story. Fontaine Overy writes... So I've been... I apologize. Didn't mean to interrupt you there.

I don't want to mansplain anything to you. I'm not going to say anything. Honestly, I apologize. Ben. I'm not going to talk to you. No, no, no. Let's do it. No, just joking. So I've been seeing someone for almost a year and I really care about him. We have so much fun together and he's super sweet and caring and funny and our sex is pretty good and active. Oh, but here's the thing. Oh dear. Here's the thing, she writes. Here's the thing Fontaine Overy explains. I think he has a micro penis. Of course, I don't like him any less because of it, but it definitely impedes me from having

a fully satisfying sexual experience because I can't really feel him when we're having sex. We've never explicitly addressed this part of our sex lives as our relationship continues. I feel like it should be discussed. What are your thoughts? I can't tell if he knows he has a pretty small dick and just hasn't said anything because he's embarrassed or if he's expecting me to say something. He outwardly compliments me on my physical characteristics all the time and I really haven't reciprocated. He goes down on me every time we have sex because I've yet to orgasm from sex because of the penis size. Yeah. Is it wrong to just avoid complimenting him? Should I address this problem? Kelp. What? What the fuck? It was you.

Oh, sorry. Help. I misread that. All right, let's go to Fontaine Overy. All right. So first, I think it's funny that she described her sex life as pretty good because they were having it. Yeah. So the other thing I will submit is that he isn't expecting you to say something about his small penis. That's his greatest fear. That in like snakes, I bet. Snakes give them a complex because they're so long and thick. Oh, yeah. Micro penis. Why did it have to be micro penis? Paris Ford looking at a tiny little dick, like chattering teeth. Why do the dicks have teeth? Because I'm tying it back to the first question. Do you know what a micro penis is?

Uh, fuck no, I don't. But you did, you sent me a Wikipedia article about micro penis. Yeah. So now I, yeah, yeah. So what I thought a micro penis was was like this medical condition where your penis is like the size of a, I don't know, Lego, a small Lego and not even a two by three or one by two Lego. And like it had like a medical term for it, but people just called it micro penis for short. Um, but that's not true. Micro penis is indeed a small dick, but it's not the size of a micro machine, which is a very misleading name. The way it was scientifically defined was 2.5 standard deviations below average. Do you know what the average dick size is? Five. That was so fast.

Is it five inches? Five and a half. It's got to be six and a half somewhere. Is what the guy should say. Uh, so the way it worked was that it said that it was like two and a half inches or less. If you were in the top bottom two percentile of dick size, you have a micro penis. So when she says he, she thinks he has a micro penis, he just, she just might see a small penis. That's not technically a micro penis. Right. I guess if you're debating, is it micro or not? Then at the very least it's too small. Um, what was the question? He comp, he compliments me. Should I compliment him back? Oh, so she'll he'll be like, I really like your, I really like your button boobs. And what private part of mine

do you, you couldn't, uh, tit for tat. And I do like your tits and your tat, your tattoos on your vagina. What do you like about my dick? Well, why does she have to, why does a compliment have to be about his dick? Oh, so she can switch it up. I like your shirt. Oh, thank you. So, hey, I really like your tits. And I think your shirt's pretty good. I like the way your vagina tastes. And I like the way your mouth tastes. And what do you think about my micro dick? Oh, you already know. Oh, why it keeps me up at night all the time. What does, what does, what good does telling him his penis is small do? It doesn't make it grow. Uh, I like your idea of complimenting another part of his body until he forgets that

he has a dick at all. You could compliment everything around it. Yeah. I like your balls. Yeah. Can a micro penis have average balls? Or is it all part of a package deal? You gotta talk to God, man. We have a lot of doctor questions tonight. Can I drink blood and not shit it? Do your balls have to be small too? This is like sixth grade sex ed. And these are the questions we're asking. Yeah, that is kind of fun. Remember, there are no dumb questions, everybody. Does anyone know if micro penis affects balls? Here's the thing. There's, there's no three. That guy has a micro penis. Oh my God. Get him on stage. Let's flick it. If there's at least a hundred men in here, which there probably is,

odds are two of them have a micro penis. No. Yeah, bottom two percent. What? If we all line up by dick sizes, this guy knows what I'm talking about. But the good news is two of us have macro dicks. Yeah, that's what's up. All right, fine. Let's do it. A hundred guys on stage. If you don't want to do it, then that proves you have the micro penis. I'll do it. I swear, I'll take my dick out. And you promise everyone else will? You do have a micro penis. Look at this big swinging dick. It's half of a rubber band that snapped already. From his claws, half of a penne. Oh, just an elbow. That's good. Oh yeah, an elbow macaroni. Yeah. A dick the size of a nipple. A dimple. Or a nick. I like dimple. So better not to mention it at all rather than to like try to

play coy. Can she straight up lie and compliment him? Or will he know? Oh, you can lie and say, I like the size of your normal size dick. It's and he'll be like, yeah, I guess I haven't seen a dick before. I'm blind. So it's average. It's so Jesus, it's so small that like saying it's normal is hot to him. Yeah, I fucking love your average size. Oh, yeah, right in the mean. You know what I mean? Should I address the problem? You're saying yes. Yeah, you're saying address the penis. She said lie. We all say lie but about the penis. It's good to lie to people you love. Those are the people you have to lie to the most. It shows that you care. It's love. Respect. I lie all the time.

But you lie in the other other way. By saying I have a huge dick? Yeah, that's not a lie. Chicago, this is the moment I've been waiting for. Exactly five inches. At a certain point, penis size becomes detrimental, right? Like, would you rather have a three foot dick or a three inch dick? Three foot. What? Three? You'd rather have a yard? The fourth an inch? A yard? Yeah, I could go for a dick slightly smaller than the one I already have. It's four and a half feet. I really don't think I can get too big. I would rather, yeah. Obviously, a yard is too big. It would go down past your knee. That's right. That is it. That's your jerking

off right here. Oh, yeah. You would like that? I do like that. Again, not a good thing. Move on. You're feeling fake pride for something that's not really good. Awesome. All right. Let's give it up for her for asking that question. Fontaine Ulvary? I thought it was Fontaine Volva for a second. Ulvary is good. You want to call in someone for the next name? Oh. Did you hear something that you like? Yeah. I heard the first person yell Jango. Wait. No, I want something from you two. Korderoy Morris? Huh? Korderoy Morris? Wait, no, no. You chose the last one. Now stop it.

I'm trying to hit on these two women. What's the name? You're doing great so far. And I'm talking about your name. Have a sentence in and you stumbled. Watch how it's done, motherfucker. What's it? The name? Oh, for those of you listening at home, Jake just dropped his dick. No. Yeah, baby. Uh, wait, give me a name. What is it? Wait, that's your name? That's her? Your fake name is just her actual name? Rebecca, can you give me a fake name? Ashmeel? Okay. Ashmeel. I like it. That's Julie enough for you, isn't it? Yeah. Call me Ashmeel. Right. That guy loved it. For one. Your rabbi. Very good.

Cinnamon toast and, cinnamon toast and, cinnamon toast and, cinnamon toast and, cinnamon toast and, cinnamon toast and cheerios. A lot of lobster guy dancing. I love it. You're coming to fucking Detroit with us, dude. You have to go on the plane in that. Yeah. Will you pack to purse? We're good. I want to make a dark movie about how we befriend you and force you to never take it off and you get sad at us. All of your dreams turn into nightmares. Yeah. We spend the third act in a sauna. That's a hot sauna. You can't take it anymore because that doesn't breathe. Ashmeel writes, hey guys, not so much of a relationship problem as it is a little bump. This is going to be an enormous problem. My girlfriend has a hatred of swallowing. So far as she won't even spit, if Cum gets

anywhere near her mouth, she'll freak out. She says it's the taste that's gross and that's what bothers her, but she's only tried twice. So how could she really know? So being the curious boy that I am, you already know where it's going, right? Not every time, but most times at this point, when I jerk it, I'll have a sly taste. Sometimes I'll even nut straight into my own mouth for the sake of a convenient cleanup. So that's not a sly taste. That's drinking directly from the spigot. Yeah. That's the polyshore wheezing the juice. And now it's tasting dare I say it good? Really? My question is, how do I convince my GF to try again without telling her that I eat my own cum? Big fan, I hope you can help. Love a schmiel. A schmiel.

Okay. I don't even think it's possible to get the force to have it conveniently in your mouth. Okay. You can, it would have to like shoot up like you're holding, you know when you hold the hose, but like cover 99% of it? Yeah. Maybe if you did that, you're, for a smart guy, you're thinking about it all wrong, women felt. Am I not thinking it outside the bottom? Upside down is correct. Upside down. Like what you do is sort of like, I regret this. I don't want to do the demonstration anymore. I mean, when you have a hog as big as yours. So what you do is you take your penis out of the cuff of your jeans. Yeah. It's growing every, every bit.

Okay. Use the chair. I don't need the chair. Use the force, Jake. I see. So it's sort of a waterfall situation. You let gravity do the hard work. I'm going to stay down here because that actually took a lot out of me. We had a bunch of Thai food before this. Yeah. I saw little pets of you come out of your butthole. That was tofu. That was blood. That answers that. All right. So I guess you can do it. If, if you're that much of it, can you imagine you took photos while I did that? It's a goddamn invasion of privacy. I was, I was jerking off just then. That's cool. Just tag me, whatever. Imagine being that much of a neat freak though. Yeah. I just need to be so neat that I drink all of my comb. I hate to even have

like paper towel in my trash can. Yeah. I want to reduce my carbon footprint so much. I'm sucking my own dick. I guess like, well, first of all, you try something once and you could probably say you don't like it. So, oh, the girl that tried it twice. Yeah. Come so nice. She tried it twice. That's really good. Drink it once. Shame on you. Drink it twice. Shame on me. Yeah. Shame on P. Let's let shame. Absolutely. Absolutely not. That's not right. And that's what we're here to say, guys. We are the people to speak to that. We are ready to mansplain the whole situation to you. And here's the problem. Girls usually just have it wrong. Yeah, they don't get it. Anyway. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult

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All you got to do is go to betterhelp.com. If I were you, you do that today, you can get 10% off your first month. So the prices are already affordable because you're not paying rent for a building somewhere that you have to drive to and wait in a waiting room. This is done entirely online, but you're still getting professional licensed help. And it's extra affordable. That's BetterHelp.com. If I were you, check them out. Thanks, BetterHelp. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Wow. For years and years and years, we've been ranting and raving about Squarespace because it's the best way for dummies like me and potentially you that don't necessarily know how to code or design to create a professional looking website. So if

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you're ready to launch, just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Again, Squarespace.com slash if I were you free trial. Everything looks good. Let's launch it. Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you, Squarespace. I know I have something I was saying, I know what Seaman smells like, but I never thought about what it tastes like. Could you guess would you say it's sweet or salty or bitter or dairy like what don't compare it to another thing I can't have poison bleach. Oh, it's but I don't know it bleaches compared to like the inside of a bagel or because then I'd like it. What acidic and what

acidic and salty like lemon juice like lemon juice and salt. Oh, like a yogurt sauce like a tzatziki. No, tzatziki is good. What? Tzatziki. What about like ocean water? Oh, that's good. So you take sure like I don't I didn't get it. A little tzatziki, a little ocean sauce, some cumped for taste. Well, then, then you're adding come to the thing you're trying to describe come back, but a little bit of cum. So it's like you're saying cum tastes like strawberries and cum, but not so much the strawberries are reach, but they can also does it does it taste different based on what the human had to eat? Oh, it does. More bloody maybe if the guy has a cavity. You can't she came here with her father. So this is really that's interesting. So it can be sweeter,

if necessary, because I'm pounding back cinnamon toast crunch every day, dude. My shit's straight cinnamon sweet because I love it's just dust. That's it's it's the chef. When the mirror jerks off, he just comes that little chef guy. What's that chef's name? The chef chef. No, no, the chef from from the fucking cereal. Oh, Wendell, Wendell, the three chefs snap, crackle and pop. No, those aren't the snap, crackle and pop is Rice Krispies. So there's a chef on different three different chefs at Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Are there three? I thought there was just one. Just one. Is it Wendell? Nobody knows. That's bad marketing. And that's another thing we want because y'all know Captain Crunch. Anyway, so it tastes like the closest we can pause it is yogurt sauce with semen and

seawater. How about tapioca? Does it taste like tapioca? All right, all right. This is supposed to be a safe place. We're just spitballing. This tastes like spitball. What if I dump a piece of paper and almond milk for a day? Take it out. So it's like a wet wood nut paste. That's sweet, though. What? That's sweet. Almond milk is good. Too sweet. Okay, it's that. It's not that. It would come. All right. We'll never get to the bottom of it. What he has to do is put a little bit on his hand like breast milk and then you taste it. You're doing that often with breast milk? Just to see if it's too warm for the baby. What baby do you have? Nothing yet, obviously. I don't even know what semen tastes like. I mean, I'm so far away. I feel like the good news is that now

you don't need your girlfriend to like swallowing because you like it enough for the both of y'alls. Yeah. So that's the silver lining there. She's not going to drink your cum. It seems like you can't convince someone to do that. You just sort of have to like luck your way into somebody that likes it or not. Well, my theory was always like, I can't, I'm not going to like tell anybody that I would prefer if they like swallowed or had my cum in their mouth because it's not something I would do with my cum. So if you don't want to, I'm like, that makes sense. I feel the same way about it. But this guy, at least he has tried the cum. He can recommend the dish if he's prepared it. So it's not about convincing her while saying he didn't eat cum. It's all about putting down a

fucking glass that looked like it had milk in it. And it was like, your turn, sweetheart. Let's go shot for shot. That's a, it's not a bad idea if he can reframe from drinking the glass while he's waiting, like while he's saving it up, you know, I imagine it's really tempting for him. That's right. So the advice here is do tell her you is a drink or eat when it comes to see me. I'm looking at her like she's the expert. Sorry, we're having a conversation here. Drink, it is drink cum. I've seen both on porn sites. Yeah. Thinking about like porn, porn hubs, video titles, you would definitely see like, yeah, Asian horror eats cum. Yeah. And I'm not saying that porn hub is saying that. He's just quoting them in a negative way. You also wouldn't

say I drank a bowl of clam chowder. How's that for a taste profile? Sip? Sip? Sip cum. Directly from his penis. Yeah. Like you're fucking, you could say chugged. Chugged. That's the worst word. I'm disgusted. Wow. And you were talking about ripping out pubes or teeth with pubes before. Right. So that's what we're dealing with here. So tell her, hey, look, I've been there before. I've tasted it. I wouldn't advise this. Oh, you would say no, nothing at all. I think if you tell your girlfriend that you think she should try the cum again because you've been eating it and you love it, then you don't have a girlfriend anymore. Then you can drink all the semen you want. Cheers to that. This is cum.

All right. Let's take a break. Let's take a quick break. If you're listening at home, let's get a round of applause as we... They want you to do the Game Boy. You guys, you guys know the Game Boy, right? I thought it was, wasn't it here? Is the Game Boy here? I think I saw him on our flight. Hold on a second. Let me see if I can find a bathroom. All right. The Game Boy's here. Oh, I am the Game Boy. Anybody who has not seen our show before has no idea what the fuck's happening right now. It looks like you're saying something dumb on purpose

to a fake laugh, but it's actual, it's real for whatever reason. This is actual art. Oh. How about you? Do you have a guy's name for us? Micah? Your brother's name. Are you okay with that? Absolutely not. Take his name right out of your mouth. Laura, Mickey, Laura, that's my mother. You don't talk about her. Mickey? Wait, what did you, what did you say? Mark Paul Goosler? So that's a mispronunciation of Mark Paul Goosler's name. It's a different person? Yeah. His name is Mark and his last name is Paul Goosler. Awesome. Mark Paul Goosler writes, Hey guys, right into it. So I'm finishing baking some

Easter bread and I already told the girl that I'm seeing tomorrow about it and she seems pumped. I made bread last night. The problem is that as I was rolling it out, I noticed some dark spots in the dough. I thought maybe it was some sugar and yeast had clumped. No, no, this was mouth shit. I have noticed some scurrying about, but I thought my flour was out of reach. Apparently not. So now here I am. I picked out as many as I could find. I had a slight taste and after asking about the safety, it seems like it shouldn't be too harmful, but am I right to serve it to this girl? I'm past the point of motivation to make more bread.

But I don't want her scared to come to my house. She isn't super comfortable with mice. For context, I'm 21 and a male. She's 25 and a female and a bit of a neat freak. So what would you do if you were me? I'm thinking of saying I accidentally got some raisins in there, like tiny bitter raisins. Is he asking for our advice on how to feed her the mouse shit? Don't say, huh? This is poison. He didn't research it well enough. You can die from eating, rodent feces. Oh, lighten up. It's called the hantavirus. Look it up. Oh, now you're a doctor all of a sudden. I read Wikipedia and it's called the hantavirus. You can get it from ingesting rodent feces or urine. And then what? That's fatal. So what? You die. Okay. Meaning, I guess,

he could be found guilty of murder. He doesn't want to make more Easter bread. I know you're angling doors. What can't make more Easter bread? What is Easter bread? It's not Easter. It's not Easter? That means this is an old question and this woman is already dead. Well, you can only make Easter bread on Easter. I feel like Easter bread is a big fuck you to pass over. Like, ha, ha. We can have bread. In fact, it's called Easter bread. There's mouse shit and then we still eat it. It's so fucking good. Easter bread. How's the matzo with bitter herbs, you little Jew? God, you think everything is a slight, don't you? Anti-semite writing me these, these hates? And what's that mouse shit supposed to mean? Oh my God. Jesus.

What's that? Say that again. It has a hard wheel. Egg in the middle. And the little tiny little bits of mouse shit. It's, it's, it's bread with a hard boiled egg in it. Sprinkle's on top. Oh, so that's an, it's actually, it's magically delicious. Wait, it's, it's actually delicious. Oh, you're Jewish and you know what Easter bread is? Oh, it's a New Jersey thing. Okay, so this guy's from the East Coast. He's hard boiled an egg. He puts a mouse shit in his Easter bread. He wants to know if he should poison this lady or not. I like that he's like, by the way, she's a bit of a neat freak, so she might freak out from eating the mouse shit. You know what? I'm pretty fucking dirty and I also don't want to eat mouse shit. Yeah, like sometimes I'll let

laundry pile up, but I'm not about to squeeze a mouse's ass into my mouth like toothpaste and eat the mouse shit. Yeah, like I don't dust my TV every week either. I'm kind of a messy guy, but at the same time, I'm not stepping on a rat, seeing what shit comes out of the ass and eating this shit. Like that's the tuba toothpaste that you don't like. That's the tuba toothpaste. It's scat porn. It's Disney scat porn. Easter bread doesn't sound that good to begin with. There's a hard boiled egg and sprinkles. That doesn't sound too bad. Mouse shit's like a goddamn improvement. Yeah, fuck Easter bread. Okay, if it's not too late, don't give her the mouse shit. Don't eat around it. Are you the kind of guy that's like, oh, bread's a little moldy. I'll

eat around it? It don't answer for him. He might want to say yes, and he doesn't feel comfortable. I see bread be like moldy and then like I wouldn't eat that piece of bread, but then there's another piece of bread in the same bag and that's not moldy. So that's fine. Do people accept me? Is that okay? All right, fuck off. How about this? What about cheese? If cheese is moldy, you just cut off the moldy parts or you throw the whole cheese. Cheese is mold. That's fine. Seize the cheese is right. Cheese the mold. Don't fuck with mold. Mold is bad. Don't eat the mold. Don't feed the mold. Don't do anything with mold. He's talking about mold. He's talking about poop. I'm just saying, if we take it one step back. This is not a mold debate. This is

shit. So either say, I'm so sorry that Easter bread got infected with baby Jesus' tears, aka mouse shit, or say, listen, I didn't want to feed you mouse shit. She'll appreciate that. No, you don't want to dip your hat that you have mice shitting in your food. Oh, because that makes his house seem less sanitary. Yeah. That it's even an option. Here's what you do. Burn the bread. What? You burn the bread. Burn the whole thing down. Burn your entire house down. That'll fucking kill that critter. All right, let's not. We've already said enough about this mice murderer. Let's give it up for what's his name? Mark Paul Goosler. Oh yeah, Mark Paul Goosler.

I'm afraid. We have time for one more question, if that's okay with you guys. Let's get a name from the back. Oh, wait, wait, wait. Is anybody in the balcony? There are people in the balcony. Benedict? That's pretty good. All right, sure. Cowbell, Tonga, Taka, Benedict Tonga. Benedict Tonga writes, I'm a freshman in college and since I moved in, my masturbation rates have subsided substantially. I jack off when I'm alone in my room or I go to the bathroom. That said, sadly, that is not when my brave roommate is doing. He jerks off into the bed at night thinking I'm asleep, but I'm wide awake. I hear the entire process in misery.

I tried to hint that I'm awake once by coughing, but as soon as I go quiet, he goes back at it again. Back at it again with the fapping. What should I do? Wow. Two people, unrelated, unknowing of each other. You guys should be roommates. They want to like race or fencer. Painting is what it's called. Jousting? Yeah. When two people jerk off in the same room. Well, I guess jousting is more when two people run at each other with their erect penises and whoever hits the other person first has the bigger dick. Or the quicker hand. Isn't that what Dave and Jeff used to do? Yeah.

They used to play penile tag, it sounded like. Yeah, they're not here to defend themselves, but they did do that. I'll say since they're not here to defend themselves, Dave used to dip his dick in pink paint, Jeff in green, and they used to just go at it playing tag. Count the marks at the end of the night. Four heads worth double. And this is not when they were young. No. Oh, God, no. This is a game I literally invented last week, so they must have played it recently. You invented it? Did you? What now? Pinky greeny? You're like President Snow and they're like that's right. The horny games every night. Oh, like you wouldn't watch that live stream. I absolutely would. Have you ever masturbated with somebody else in the room?

This isn't a question about me. So yes, I have. And so is every dude in here. I haven't. I have not. You've never masturbated with somebody else in the room? No. What? I really should pop that cherry in an epic way. Now's the time. Now's the time. Now's the time. Now's the time. Now's a tongue. Now's a tongue. If everybody promises to close their eyes. I have an idea. I have an idea actually. Oh, all right, go for it. So I'll try the cough at first. You be the roommate that jerks off because you've already admitted to that fact. And I'll be the model citizen that tries to not hear it. Okay, Jake and I are asleep in our dorm room. Oh, I'm not asleep. I was just I really fucked

up this scenario. I was I was sleep jerking off, but I'm awake. Okay, okay, you're awake. I'm trying to follow. I'm bravely doing this. Yeah, you're a hero. Not the hero Gotham deserves, but the one it needs right now. The one that seeds right now. Okay, ready? Eyes closed. Well, I'd have to hear you a little bit. Oh, so you'd have to get make a little noise. Does that sound like a little too much like jerking off? Yeah. All right, that didn't work. It's back to fapping. This is where my idea comes in. Oh, yeah. Oh, oh, fucking touch yourself, you little bitch. Fuck. Yeah, you little bitch. Come for me, you motherfucker. Oh, come for me, you little bitch. Oh, the Gameboy is born. That's our time. Thank you

guys so much for coming. Thank you. Thank you very much.