If I Were You - 241: Cam Girls

Episode Date: October 31, 2016

In this episode we discuss gratuity, jealousy, and virginity.This episode is brought to you by DSTLD.com, MeUndies, and Squarespace!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

If I were you, Is what I would do, Get good on glass by these cold juice? Yes, dude! Email me soon At if I were you, show at gmail.com Smethor Yes, dude! I'm actually beginning to feel like a rap god.

All the people from the front to the back, nah. You shouldn't feel like that. You shouldn't feel like a rap surf. You should feel like a rap peasant. A rap nobody. Or just a regular peasant, regular nobody. So thanks to John Thope for writing that. He says cheers, he says come to Belfast.

All right. Belfast, Belfast? Is that the one in, is that in Scotland? Yeah, sure. Oh, gosh. Oh, yeah. All right. We're back, we're back from our tour.

Completely decompressed. Yeah, dude. Not feeling hungover anymore. Ankle slightly better. I mean, things are looking absolutely up. Good stuff. We got a show. We got a show in Los Angeles tomorrow.

Oh, yeah. If you're listening to this on Monday Halloween, we have a show the first day of November, one, one, one. Yup. At USC, information about that show. It's a free show. Free show.

In LA. Yeah, no excuses. No excuses. Information at ifirishow.com or jaconamere.com. Damn, Daniel. Oh, God. So that's sort of like a meme. And what else do I got here?

Oop, oop, oop, oop. Daniel style. White vans. Oop. Vans, vans, vans, vans. Can you see that being an ad for something? Oh, God, for what? Yeah.

Vans? Yeah. Vans finally got Psy in an ad. It took them this long to get Psy. I think the Psy Pistachio commercial will go down in some sort of cultural time capsule where Pistachios had commercials. Psy was a spokesman.

I didn't even know that. I don't remember that at all. Yeah. I remember Psy, but he was like in a plump little lime green tuxedo dancing during a Super Bowl. Pistachios? Yeah, dancing during Purpose Pistachios. Good Lord.

But enough about the past. This is the future. This is the present. This is Halloween 2016. People have been e-mailing us their sticky situations at ifireusshowatgmail.com and we're going to do our darn best and our darnedest

to help out. Very good. Very good. Yeah. Darnedest, darned best. That's very good, actually. You are a rap peasant. Holy shit.

I am beginning to feel one. These are e-mails that have come in over the course of the last couple weeks. They're fresh. They're topical. I'm going to give you a choice. Do you want to talk about losing your virginity first or cats?

Cats. Cats. Mew. All right. What's this guy's name? Um, um, um, um. Oh, you know, let's give it. Heath Cliff.

I was going to, we've got some new podcasts. Oh. So we'll name this guy Eugene. Oh, from the Dumbbells podcast. From the Dumbbells podcast. Which is a fitness podcast that Jake and I are on the first episode of. Talk about getting jacked.

Feel like fitness and comedy. This is the podcast for you, the Dumbbells on headgum. Eugene Cordero and Ryan Sanger. Two very funny guys. All right. Go ahead. My friend has two cats. He had to move and his new landlord only let him keep one.

He asked if I would keep his other cat for a few, uh, months until he moves again. So I agreed to take the cat without telling my girlfriend who lives with me. She was upset at first, but she has since come around and loves the cat like it was her first born. But my friend is moving out soon and is almost ready to reclaim his cat. I told my girlfriend and we have to give him back soon and she got really upset. I'm going to miss him too much. But it's only been a couple months.

How can I give? How can I give my friend his cat back while causing the least amount of stress to my girlfriend? Hmm. So he's cat sitting. The girlfriend got so attached to the cat. She doesn't want to give the cat back. Yeah. But the cat goes back the very next day.

Uh, well, it's, you know, it's tough. She had the cat for a few months. It wasn't just like a weekend or something. Yeah. This was an attachment. At what point are you entitled to keep the cat? At what point does the cat become yours? Yeah.

This actually reminds me of a dark, I thought of a dark short story or a short film that I could write. Okay. Uh, it's, let's say the year is 2063. All right. And 15 years from now. Imagine an African American 15 year old girl is living in a British couple's house in London.

15 year old African American girl living in a British couple's house in London in 2063. Yeah. She loves her life. Everything's going well, according in her brain, that British couple, that's mom and dad. They adopted her and she loves him. She has no interest in seeing who her biological parents are. Okay.

Knock on the door, biological parents. That child was abducted by some sort of British kidnapping scheme to bring that daughter when she was a baby to London. So she's not even supposed to be there at all. So she's like, thank God you're here. We found you. You get to come back home, but she doesn't want to go back home because her kidnappers, quote unquote, are her mom and dad that she loves and respects very much.

So this is like some sort of weird twisted psychological thriller. Like your parents aren't who you thought they were. Right. Not only that, but they're actually kidnappers, abductors. Right. There could be another twist too that's like the people that come and let her, like her biological parents, who tell her that her parents are sadistic kidnappers. Maybe her actual biological parents died a long time ago, but these people are impersonating

them to get her and they're the abductors. Is this what Annie was? Is this like a dark Annie? I think Daddy Warbucks was a kidnapper. Yeah, because I remember seeing the new Jamie Foxx Annie and it was sort of like this where Annie got used to that posh lifestyle, but it was not like a kidnapping. Oh yeah. And then actually you're right.

Then her parents come back because he offered a reward. Oh, right. Like real parents. It was just like fakers that came to get the reward. Yeah. So this would be like a bleak, not a bleak, but like a dark twisted horror since this is a Halloween episode version of Annie. Right.

Is there any reason that she had to be African American? Uh, no. I just thought it helped differentiate the owners. I mean, diversity is important in Hollywood. Absolutely. And I think it's super important, not just in Hollywood, but in Bollywood. Like every, like every, yeah. So you think more white people should be in Bollywood films?

I do. I think that more white people should be in Bollywood films just so that Bollywood gets a little more diversity. What a dumb cause you've taken out. And it is a life passion of mine. So I'll be, I'm blogging and I'm doing a lot of live tweeting of Bollywood movies. I see you have a very unpopular account. I have negative eight followers, which is sort of rare.

I don't know how that happened. You're still on Vine somehow. Vine. All right. Pine. All right, but let's focus on this cat situation. Sure. It seems like the easy way to do is get the girlfriend a new cat.

Oh, yeah. Get two new cats. Oh, replace one cat with two. I feel like there's a chance that the friend just doesn't actually want that second cat back. Oh, you can ask to keep it. Yeah. Ask to keep it. And if he says no, you replace the cat with a few other cats.

I think that's solid. Although cats I hear are, I didn't grow up with cats, but I hear like some are nice, some are mean, some are angry, some are fun, some are friendly. You definitely bond with some of them. My mom gave away our cats when we were little. Just gone? We would like go on vacation and someone would house the cat and then we would come back and they'd be like, oh, like my daughter really fell in love with the cat.

My mom would be like, keep it. Keep it. We had like 10 cats. Yeah. So like when they disappeared, it was fine. My mom did that with my Halloween candy one year. Another Halloween story. She gave away your Halloween candy?

Yeah. Like I went trick-or-treating one year. I think I was in fifth or sixth grade. And then after flag football practice, she just fucking dumped it on the field and the kids like just had it free for all. And I was like, what the hell are you doing? That's my fucking candy. That's insane. Yeah.

Was it like a punishment? No. My mom was like, whatever. It's like, you're not going to eat all that candy. I can buy you a new candy if I cost go for like two bucks. Like if you really need the candy, like she's in her brain. Did you? Which is sort of what I feel now.

I'm like, what is it? Like the fun is trick-or-treating. Like you don't need to eat this fucking candy. There's almost traumatizing as a kid. Yeah. Yeah. She didn't have the part of the brain. It's like, oh.

Did you hold that against her for a while? I probably let it go late last week. So we're totally past that now. And we've been working on it in group therapy and stuff. Wow. Yeah. Just her, me, and all the kids that ate my candy. Yeah.

They were on my kill list for a while. So I know for a fact Doug Greenspan took a milk dud that he has yet to repay. I also didn't even like it. So I fucked his wife. So we're even on that end. All right. That was the cat question. Okay.

Here's kind of a real one. Really? Yeah. Pray tell. It's called, this next question is from a lady. Ooh. I think the subject is how I usually say that. The name will be Susanna Wolfe.

Susanna Wolfe, who's the host of... What Did I Miss? A news and politics podcast that you and I also were the guest of. So the theme here is if you want more of us, while still introducing yourself to another headgum podcast, whether it be fitness or current events, we got you covered. Yeah. We got real political on that podcast. And you can go to headgum.com and find those podcasts wherever podcasts are sold.

That one I think is $80 a month. That's not bad. What if we just did that? We just started valuing podcasts and selling them. Bad business plan. Right. This lady, Susanna Wolfe writes, I just turned 30 and the large majority of my friend group has reached a point in their lives where they're getting married, having kids and buying houses.

I haven't reached those milestones yet myself, though I would very much like to. I'm single right now and it may be a while before I do. In the meantime, I can't help but find it difficult to see my friends and peers moving forward in their lives. What I feel is jealousy. I'm not some diva, but a feeling of being stuck or left behind. My question is, have you ever found yourself in a place personally or professionally where you felt like you were falling short of your peers and how did you deal with it?

Thanks for reading my question. I've been a fan for years and I feel like we're old friends at this point. Love? Samantha. No. Susanna. Susanna Wolfe. Yes.

Cool. All right. Have you ever felt like that? Yeah. I think in show biz quote unquote or like comedy or entertainment, every time you fail, it's really easy to see who succeeded at what you failed at. So you'll get close to getting apart and instead they'll go with someone else and then there'll be an article talking about that guy and then like everyone's praising.

And all of your friends will comment on that article saying how nice and talented that guy is and how much he deserves it. And that even goes for writing jobs. I know a lot of people that submitted to shows didn't get them and then their friends got them and that's like, oh, you deserve it. You're the number one guy at that job. Even all of our friends that we used to write with at College Humor all went on and got late night TV writing jobs.

Yeah. Really cool jobs. Do you feel left behind by those people? I guess in a way like I feel like motivated to try to keep up. Like I don't want to be the guy that came out of that class and it's like, oh, everyone did well except for that guy. So like in that way, I feel a little bit stuck or left behind and not that we haven't done anything.

Like we also have our own things going on, but it's easy to point and be like, why didn't I get that far? Why didn't I take that path? That one's the best. This person's the furthest ahead. Right. Sarah, yeah, is the person that's right. Yeah, we all know that.

Literally head writer. Yeah. So that's the winning. By definition. Do you ever feel stuck or left behind? I guess I may be a little bit less so because I am fortunate enough that I was younger than all of our friends at College Humor. Oh, interesting.

I always felt like the baby of them. You looked at the age. Yeah. So I was like, oh, that person just did that, but I also have two years to catch up. Right. Interesting. But yeah, I guess I don't, I mean, I think I feel pangs of that, but never stuck in a rut of it.

Right. When I see a deadline article of someone getting a really awesome show picked up or something, I'm not like, oh God, I haven't done anything. I am like, just fuck, I gotta do something. I want that article to be about me one day. Yeah. I think at least now, since our pilot's gotten passed on, we've stayed busy enough. We always have hope in the back pocket.

A plate spinning somewhere. Yeah. This could go forward and if it does, everything would be awesome. Yeah. I've been, I've been learning to enjoy the maybe, like living in a world where maybe is better than no, like they haven't passed yet. That's a great place to be. I got opportunities here.

I got opportunities here. Sure, 98% of them will be a dead end, but at the very least there are avenues to be explored. Yeah. I think we're lucky to be in a position where there are maybes. But would you say this is jealousy? She's like, what I feel isn't jealousy, but a feeling of being stuck. Or is it like micro-jealousy? I guess it's micro-jealous.

It's, I mean, it's looking at yourself through the lens of, or looking at other people through the lens of yourself in some way. I think the easy, an easy way to combat that feeling is like take joy in what you have that they don't. So they're getting married and having kids, you're single. Think about all the advantages that has. You go home, you could do whatever you want. You don't have to deal with a home.

Cry alone in your room. Yeah. Instead of listening to a baby cry, you get to sleep in as much as you want. You get to set your own schedule. So you look forward to the things that you do have that they don't have. Anybody buying a house, they have to deal with mortgage, an alarm system, home insurance, property tax. Yeah.

We did just buy houses. Yeah. So we know that shit. I would sell mine in a heartbeat if I could. So why don't you, instead of looking at your neighbor's yard, think about what they're thinking about you. And even though it's different, you can justify to yourself that what I have is good in a different way.

Yeah. That's solid advice. I would say even to just like, I don't know, it's almost not even thinking about it in terms of what's in your yard versus their yard, just about what's in the world. Be happy for them. That's not your path. Right. It's not something that's good for someone that you care about and then stay busy with

your own things. There's no reason that their happiness can't be, or their success means your failure and their happiness means your loneliness can all be good. Right. And another way that I think about that, that you can perhaps be helpful, is like this mathematical thing where it's like, if they're... Oh. Mathematical?

Yeah. If you're like out of a thousand and you're like third, there's still so many people that are behind you. It's like, yeah, you guys might... I hate numbers. Yeah. No. They might be a little bit ahead of you, but then look behind you and look how much worse

it can be. That's true. Not just being alive right now is great, but think about all those people that were born in other countries that have nothing going on, that have to struggle implicitly. They can't even escape it even if they wanted to. They would switch with you in a heartbeat, and the one issue that you're dealing with is the fact that you're single versus married is not that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things.

Right. Across a huge spectrum, you're very close to your friends. It feels like it's almost dangerous to me to look at things like, hey, at least I'm not getting beheaded by ISIS right now. Yeah. Like that's true, but it's also... I don't like to minimize anybody's discomfort or sadness, like of course things could always be way worse.

Yeah. Like, hey, you're not dying. That's true. Yeah. Maybe you have health. Yeah. But I feel like rather than focusing on how much worse it could be, I don't know. I think you focus on just how good it is without thinking about how bad it is, or if you are

thinking that it's sad, then you can feel that and then move on. To me, saying my life could be way worse is almost minimizing it too much. And I love it. So those are two different ways to deal with it. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist, is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult

place. And it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist, especially one in your area, but BetterHelp makes that all easy because it's online therapy designed to be convenient, flexible, and suitable to your schedule. You just fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist, and you can switch therapists at any time for no additional charge. It's incredibly helpful therapy has helped millions of people over thousands of years. So give therapy a try.

It can give you the tools to find a more balanced life. I've tried therapy. It's been very helpful. So you can find that balance better with BetterHelp. All you got to do is go to betterhelp.com slash if I were you. You do that today. You can get 10% off your first month. So the prices are already affordable because you're not paying rent for a building somewhere

that you have to drive to and wait in a waiting room. This is done entirely online, but you're still getting professional licensed help and it's extra affordable. That's betterhelp.com slash if I were you. Check them out. Thanks, BetterHelp. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Wow.

For years and years and years, we've been ranting and raving about Squarespace because it's the best way for dummies like me and potentially you that don't necessarily know how to code or design to create a professional looking website. So if you're building an online portfolio for yourself or a loved one or you want to sell stuff online, you can do an online store. They have 24 seven live customer support, email campaigns, data. You can even purchase a domain name through Squarespace. For example, I didn't even look this up, but there's no way you can't buy a mere Blumenfeld

is a good dude.com. I bet that's available and you can have it today and you can buy it through Squarespace and build an awesome website dedicated to me or I guess dedicated to anyone else in your life. And maybe you want to give somebody a gift this season, a summer birthday coming up. Who doesn't want a website? So the best way to do that is to go to Squarespace.com slash if I were you for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off your first

purchase of a website or domain again, Squarespace.com slash if I were you free trial. Everything looks good. Let's launch it. Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you Squarespace. That Trump talk or in this ad reminded me that we made a new Jake and Amir video. That's true for the first time and how long was it over a year and a half, 18 months. Feels like a long time.

We thought got back in the saddle. Jake and Amir, Donald Trump is too good of an idea, too rich and fertile soil to ignore. So we just did another episode. Yeah, we could do one dusted off the old laptop. Yeah, wrote it very quickly. The words just float out of us. Trump had been writing it for us really. It's amazing.

I mean, like that video was twice as long as any other Jake and Amir that we usually would have made and we still left a lot on the cutting room floor. Oh yeah. We didn't even talk about the 10 sexual accusers coming forward. We didn't talk about hashtag drain the swamp. We didn't talk about comments against the Mexican judge, the mocking of a disabled reporter. I don't think I even mentioned the wall. I mentioned immigration, but not the wall specifically.

I mean, Jesus Christ. We could do 10 more Trump episodes, but we won't. If Trump wins, we have to come back entirely. Oh man, that's another reason to root for the guy. Oh God, actually, never mind. No, we won't do it. So the video is on College Humors YouTube channel right now. It's called Jake and Amir, Donald Trump.

Did it feel weird to be... Did it feel like we had taken 18 months off or was it just like, oh, we're back? It felt like we had taken some time off. I think the finished product looks like we... It doesn't look like we missed a beat, I don't think. Yeah. It's not much older. It's not like 10 years later, it's like a friend's reunion where Joey is now gray-haired.

I feel like we look relatively similar to what we did when we were shooting the videos. That's probably true. So it's... How did it feel for you? Was it hard? You had to do more acting than I did, I think. This was an insane Amir one. Right.

I think once I got in the groove of it, I did feel a little embarrassed shooting. It was almost like sixth-year college student coming back and being like, yeah, no, I could still hang with you guys, right? Well, it's funny. We know a lot less people in the College Huber office now, too. Yeah. So at least before we were yelling stupid shit, it was in front of our friends and they had seen it for a while.

Now we're yelling it in front of funny strangers. So I felt a little bit aware of what I was yelling because you never want to be yelling and then also be not funny. You can yell and it's funny, but you yell pussy a lot for that video. Yeah. I liked yelling pussy. Yelling pussy was good, but everything else is a little off-putting, I think. Cool.

I wanted to mention that. Videos doing well, by the way. I saw it was trending. Did you know that YouTube has trending videos now? No way, really? Yeah. It was like a top 10 trending video on YouTube. That's dope.

How many views did it have? It has half a million in a day. Fuck yeah. And if all those people, again, just bought me undies, wow, what a wild ride that would be for us. So much modal, not enough in the world. Total modal. All right, should we answer some more cues?

Uno más, or actually a couple more, whatever you want to do. We got time. The problem is when I loaded the Trump video to look at it on my computer, it froze my computer. So right now I'm just sort of stalling. Got it. Of course. And now when you click a lot of buttons and then nothing happens and then they all happen

at the same time, like really quickly. Do you have an old computer? No, I have a new computer, actually. Really? I just got lots of shit open. I mean, tabs on tabs on tabs. You thinking about buying a new MacBook Pro or no? No, this one's new enough for me.

This is what I got a year ago. That little touchscreen shit, though. I'm probably going to do it. Yeah, you should pull the trigger. I would be jealous. Can I have an iPad? Is that crazy? An iPad mini?

I don't know. Do I like iPads? No, I think it's another thing that you don't need because you can use your phone. When would you use an iPad and not your phone? I don't know. There's something that just kind of sleek to me about walking in, laying on a couch, reading an article on an iPad. Yeah, I guess that's a cool look.

And especially if you can use it as a remote control for your TV. Oh, yeah. So you're reading an article on a nice couch. Oh, yeah. Well, the article's not about couches. You're on a nice couch reading an article. Right. And then you're like, oh, let's watch Netflix and chill.

So you click a button, the article minimizes, and then Netflix pops up. Yeah, the lighting changes because you got the Phillip Hugh light bulbs. Yeah, the smart light bulbs. Oh, man. My house is going to be fucking, it's a smart house. Smarter than you, I think. Well, take it easy. Because I can also turn shit off.

Me and Alexa. I can't understand you. All right. Here's the exact opposite of the last problem, which was a sweet lady who was just a little bit lost in life. Classic evil man question. This one's called cam models sucking me dry and I do not know why. All right.

Let's give this one to, is there another new dude podcast on our network? Yeah. I thought there was another podcast that we did. What's a new show that's straight balling? Oh, Ian Carmel's, All Fantasy Everything, where we drafted, we had a fantasy draft for sandwiches. We all made teams of our five favorite sandwiches. I think I won.

Well, of course you think you won. It was your team. So did the Twitter poll. Twitter poll actually had Carmel on top. I read it, thinks I won. The whole poll was rigged. I'll tell you that right now. A lot of people are complaining.

I actually think I'm winning. How is that a good thing that you think that? You're going to be wrong then. All right. What's the name? Oh yeah, Ian Carmel writes, Hey dudes, day one listener, second time writing in. Here's my sticky situation. I've always been fond of jerking it to cam models, but recently I've been trying to save

up for a new laptop and pay for school as I am a second year college student. My problem is I am throwing cash and coin at this cam mistress that I don't necessarily have. As I jerk off to them in their, in their cam room, they plead and beg that someone tip them. So me being the grave giver, me being the giver and hopeless romantic that I am, I give in. I really don't want to tip. I really don't want to tip, but I feel bad as I am just here masturbating while they moan

my name. I guess I could stick to porn, but it's just not the same as a live smoke show begging you for my huge load in their mouth. My question is, how do I resist the temptation to stop these diva models from sucking me dry? I'm currently in the library writing this to you two Jews as a hot student librarian shelved some books. How do I approach her and ask her out as well? Should I just find a real girlfriend instead so I can please my needs, so she can please

my needs? Any help would be greatly appreciated. Love Ian. All right. First of all, not a real great reason to find a girlfriend just so she can please your needs. Why don't you please your needs for now and you can have a girlfriend when you actually care about her. Is this your, is this a hole in your porn knowledge, the live cam?

Yeah, I don't fuck with the live cam because I, I don't get any pleasure out of that like live interaction. To me, that's like two. Two personal. Yeah. So somebody gave you a free hundred minutes of live cam. Would you test it out out of curiosity? Probably.

I tested out out of curiosity maybe, but I don't think that I like, I would not like being in a room with somebody or on a cam with somebody where they're like looking at me and I can see them and they're asking me like what I want. So why do some people love that? I don't know. Maybe some people are like not shy in that situation. They get off to being like dominant or assertive or, you know, or the vice versa and they're like they like to be dominated and they like being able to tell somebody what they want.

Yeah. I've never obviously done this live cam stuff either, but that's more to be expected. I would say people would assume you have and I haven't. So this guy is saying he doesn't want to tip them. Is that how it works? With tips? I literally have no idea how it works. I think, I think that some cams work differently.

There's like somewhere you like pay to go into a private room with somebody. Maybe some are like public and they operate on tips. Yeah. It's like a karaoke situation. I've seen like porn sites that just have recorded cam sessions that just will replay them. Like what's the difference? Oh, I wonder if there's a money in a porn site where you get a girl to do this shit

and then you either digitally insert people's names based on what they are or you just record it. You know, like when you go to a gift shop and they have like those license plates with like the top 200 names, they say your name. So like this would be like, oh, Justin. I really love you, Justin. Oh, wow. So like you choose Justin porn and then it's like a woman telling Justin off and then you

don't know if it's live or not. This is the future of VR for sure. So you either record every permutation of noises so it can build a name or you record like the top 200 names and you can choose. This guy maybe has... This might be the future of porn. Like some kind of weird science type thing where like you put goggles on and the person... Knows your full name.

Yeah. And then you get off when they start fucking screaming my own social security number at me. It's so hot. It's so fucking hot. How did you know that? It's so hot. Do you work for credit karma?

So how do you feel? What's the question specifically? How do I resist the temptation over these models to suck me dry? I guess you could like not tip. Yeah. Block the site. I don't know, man. Like...

Isn't regular porn enough? Isn't that enough? You're already jerking it to people fucking who needs to get cucked. Yeah. Is there... I just don't even know. There are sites where you could just like tip with not real money. Oh, that's good.

But I guess no. That'd be a pretty bad idea for a porn site. Bitcoin. Only non-actual currency. I'm currently in the library. How do I pro-turn and ask her out as well? I would say minimize this question before you walk over there. Yeah.

You don't want her to see this. Numero uno. And doesn't it seem like these are two different things? Like even if you had a girlfriend, he would still want this stuff? Yeah. You know, it doesn't matter how in love you are with somebody, you still like to look at porn. Right.

The cam things, it's dangerous. I think the way to do it is just really... It's almost like dieting or something where like you want to give yourself a cheat day or something. Like... Cold turkey? I think that you don't have to say you're never going to do it, just do it sparingly. Say like, I'm only going to use a cam.

I'm going to splurge when I... Splooge? Yeah. I'm going to splooge and splurge for Christmas or to treat myself if I get a good grade on this test and I'll spend some money. It's almost like going to a strip club or something. Yeah. It's like having a really cool dad.

So it's like if you make your grades, I'll give you some sessions with the live cam girls. Yeah. Why don't you try that? Say, I set some goals and if you achieve them, then you reward yourself. But treat it as like a dessert or something, not as like something you're going to do every day. Yeah. It's like you don't want to get to the point in your life where you're eating ice cream

at the end of every dinner. Suddenly it just starts to taste like unflavored ice milk. And that's not a place you want to be. You really can't jerk off to that at all. We got one more question, but we also have one more sponsor to thank. So thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode. Squapa. You know how sometimes in your life you're going to reach a point where you're going

to have to either build a website for yourself or for a friend or for an older relative of yours. Oh yeah, buddy. Like your dad's like, you know, I think I need a website for my business. I'm going to ask my son or daughter to do it because they're good at computers. I don't know. Dad, you have a crooked business. You rob people blind.

You're rotten. You charge them up the wazoo. And now you can build a website for them. Whether it's a beautiful gallery or professional blog, even an online store, Squarespace can build it all and it's easy and it's beautiful. They got commerce tools and customer support. So you might not need to build it now, but just remember squarespace.com slash if I were you when you do build it.

Not only that, but Squarespace gives you a free custom domain whenever you build your or buy a year of their product. So you get a custom domain free for a year when you sign up for a year of Squarespace. What you're thinking is there's no good domain names available. Incorrect. You are. Incorrect. Indeed.

Because every time we endorse Squarespace, we give you two available.coms that you can purchase if you act fast at the time of recording. And what's yours? Isthisbutter.com. It's sort of like I can't believe it's not butter, but it's for a new butter service called IsThisButter. Oh, so you can't you're you're still in disbelief that it's butter or not. Yeah.

Like I can't believe it's not butter. And then also in between. So butter, I can't believe it's not butter. And then in between that is IsThisButter. And that's for all the butter that you genuinely don't know if it's butter. You're legit confused. Right. Margarine.

Butter. I don't use that butter. You could put milk up if it's like a tumbler, if it's a or not a tumbler. Yeah. If it's a but if it's a blog. Right. It's a blog. Yeah.

You just post things on there and you're like, is this butter? Okay. And then people could you do like a Q&A with it? Of course. You could link it to your Twitter. Got it. I understand. I'm still pitching.

I know. Is this butter? I want to get to mine though. All right. Go ahead. Queds. Sorry. I threw up.

Queds. Q-U-E-D-S. Dot com, baby. That's a five letter domain. Queds.com. You see the spell actually. It's kind of cool and it can be ambiguous and open-ended because queds can be anything. Queds can be a game.

Queds can be a drug. Queds can be a blog. It can be a celebrity name. We don't know. It could be a lifestyle. And maybe someday somebody famous named Michael Queds will want that website and you can just extort him for all he's worth. Finally.

So if you want to buy queds.com or is this butter.com or any custom domain, you get it for free with a year of Squarespace. And you can start your free trial today at Squarespace.com. Enter offer code if I were you to get 10% off your first purchase. Ta-da. Squarespace. Set your website apart. Boy.

One last question. Hell yeah. This person is losing his virginity. All right. That person's podcast is... Jamie Lee. Jamie Lee. Best of the worst.

This is a man, but imagine that the man is named Jamie. Guys, really need your advice. There's this girl I used to hook up with pre-college. We were quote friends with benefits until she said she liked me. So we stopped doing that. Recently started talking to... I recently started talking to her again. It's been getting steamy and we've talked about having sex next time we hang out.

The thing is, it would be both of our first times. I moved away from New Jersey to North Carolina and I don't really have feelings for her. I feel like this might turn into the same situation four years ago, but I feel like there's an emotional connection from her that isn't there anymore. So maybe not. If I do see her again, should we just do it? Do I give my virginity to her or save it for someone meaningful? Do I risk leading her on again, which I admitted was a douchey thing of me to do?

Although it seems like this would be no strings attached. Should I keep hanging on to this option or cut her off? Any help would be appreciated. Love, Jamie. All right, Jamie. What do you think? Sounds like he's not ready to have sex. I would say this is pretty good for a first time.

It's a friend that you've hooked up with before. It might not be super meaningful, but I would say if you studied for a test and the professor walks up to you at the beginning of the test, it's like, hey, I'll give you a beer right now if you get the hell out of here. You're like, oh, maybe I'll just take the sure B rather than wait and hope to beat that score. So this lady is a sure, pretty good, this is a pretty good way to lose your virginity to a friend.

You can beat it potentially, perhaps, but you can also do a lot worse. So maybe it is to just better to rip off the band-aid, sort of get through that virginity to the first sexual encounter with a friend. Even though it's not quote unquote meaningful, it's still, I think, better than bad. So I say, go for it. I think if it's, if you're this confused and thinking so much, then you maybe it just sort of goes to show that you're not quite ready. Don't cut me off.

You were totally done talking. You also, I don't know how old this guy is, but you're telling, you're telling a young kid to go. He's 11. He's 11. God damn it, dude. Fuck me. Yeah, I know.

I don't, I'm not usually responsible, but I think that it sounds like he's not quite ready for sex. No, he said he hooked up with a pre-college. He's at the very least in college. That's good. That's good. But you might be a doogie-houser type, med school at 14 shit. I think that you should have sex with somebody that you know that you want to have sex with.

It's a, you're looking back, you know, virginity is not like, I guess I have the story that I tell live, but. Take you out of the equation. Right. I think that it's a much bigger thing when you're going to lose it than like 10 years down the line and you already have, you know? But I still think it should be something that you don't doubt. Yeah.

Or will he always doubt it? And he might as well get the first one out of the way. I don't think you'll always doubt it. I think people come into their own and get, and are ready for it. So in some sort of weird, bizarro world, I'm saying, yeah, go for it. Don't have sex with this person and you're saying, let's wait, don't have sex yet. Make sure it's a little bit more meaningful. You're not ready.

Interesting. Yeah. It's weird. We really should have said, I should have said what you said. Yeah. You want to just re-record or maybe Freaky Friday it, we'll sort of sprint at each other full speed and see if we change our minds at the same time. Completely erect.

See who's dick touches the other guy first. Some sort of erectile jousting situation. So instead of giving you certainty, what we did was give you cases in either direction. That's nice. So if you're listening, maybe you can cut the parts out of the person talking that you disagree with. That way it seems like someone is at least telling you exactly what to do. Yeah.

We gave you two cases. You get to choose. You're welcome, I guess. Oh. All right. Thanks for listening to this episode. Thanks for listening at all. Our traffic is growing, actually.

So thanks to continuing support and I guess for telling your friends about the show. Keep telling your friends. Who knows? You guys are on a road trip. Maybe they would like us. You don't know. And maybe this is the first episode that somebody new is listening to. So thank you for joining us.

Thoughts? Thoughts? Let us know everything. Whether it's a new theme song submission or a question of your own. If I were you show at gmail.com is the email address for everything. You guys are not emailing into a void. We are actually reading these emails. So it's if I were you show at gmail.com.

The opening theme song was written by, gosh, it was that Icelandic hymn. Oh yeah, John Thorpe from Newcastle, England. There we go. And this closing one is written by Eric. Thanks Eric. Thanks Eric, who resubmitted his theme song. Oh, that was another thing. If we haven't played your theme song and it was good, there's a chance I missed it.

So don't, I would say resubmit a theme song we haven't used yet. But don't resubmit it if we have used it, because there's a chance I forgot. I'm going to put it in an episode, then everyone's going to yell at me and say, actually use that in episode 102 and I'll feel a fool. So if we haven't actually played your theme song, resubmit it to us. Again email address for everything as if I were you show at gmail.com. Happy Halloween. Tota for listening.

We'll be back next week. And if you're in a light come to our free live show tomorrow. We're doing a free live show at USC. Please come. Thank you. See you there. Bye. Later.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,