If I Were You - 242: Snoring

Episode Date: November 7, 2016

In this episode we discuss babysitting, sympathy, and home ownership.This episode is brought to you by Squarespace, ZipRecruiter, and Indochino!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

The name is Justin. I feel like I'm going too far. We got Jake in the mirror two celebrity stars with the dope is all Check it out the girls down, you know. Yeah time's ticking shit ain't kicking huh, so you need that advice Planning on rolling that dice. Yeah, so many problems. Yeah, everybody need a southern. Nobody want to talk Don't won't buddy want to say none into the folks of family So that's when Jake in the mirror come with the new network headgum a vice show So listen to what they're saying She gets real when they ain't playing so my turn down the park is Yo, yo, all right verse two oh Jake's gonna freestyle right for you. I want to sing

Ah It sounds real cool when the beat drops, you know drops out and you keep on rapping, you know, it's gonna come back Silence he's in oh, oh, oh here. I am yeah, remember and what was that the song It was like a pop punk song where it like goes to silence and then there's no singing and then I think it's the Karate Kid 2 theme song that like newfound glory does a cover of it like cuts off and then the band is like I am the man who will fight yeah That's the first beat drop. I remember As a suburban jewish kid. Yeah, that makes sense

That song was written by I think he's our most prolific theme songwriter Justin gonsalves. That's right gonsalves gonsalves. We always We should really find out but we found out we found out and we just keep on forgetting Yeah, we should call this we should remember gonsalves. Okay, uh, we actually met the Justin dude's dude's cool as you would imagine. Yeah, dude. So thanks for writing in again, Justin G Oh his channel name on youtube you can shout out A channel that would help mr. Immigrant

Is this channel? I don't know if that's youtuber sound club, but mr. Immigrant Justin A google search would yield some more results for his original music. I guess this is original music. I don't know i'm Really really high. Yeah, you are you had you snorted an edible What does that mean crushed up a pot cookie snored it straight to the dome. Would that work? I don't know No If I stuck a weed jolly rancher up my nose or if I took it like a pill that would work, right? Well, yeah, yeah, if you took like a pill definitely if I swallowed a weed jolly rancher like a pill Yeah, that would work if I shoved it up my ass. Would it get me high? I think so. Is it at all just about getting into your bloodstream?

Yeah, but how it's shoving it up your ass getting to your bloodstream Um, well you're you you've got little I don't know actually if I shove it up my ass will it get me high. It's kind of like a cool Like, uh, it's not a love song No, it's not if I shove it if I shove it up my ass will it get me high? Yeah, if I shove it yeah, if I shove it up my ass will it get me high Will it get you by will you say goodbye? Will it make me by will it make you cry? I want to shove it up my ass

Right after class this is if I shove it up my ass will it make you cry? Uh, this is our weekly advice podcast where we sing about, uh Edibles going in your ass your anus and also we help people get out of their sticky situations. That's right Uh, I am Jake And I am Amir and I'm hosting this episode. You're taking the lead. I'm taking the reins Taking it over all these questions were written to if I were you show at gmail.com Correct and we combed through all these submissions. We try to help a couple people out these questions were chosen by me Wow, and only seen by me never seen by amir

Unless donna brazil passed him to him under the table I'm serious Dude got the questions and the answers Um, this this episode is actually the day before the election So a lot of you are listening to this knowing who the next president is What a relief that you have that information We're living in a world where we're still sort of uh anxious for the next couple days I wonder if it's a relief or a horror or a horror

Let's find out It'll definitely be one of uh one and the other for many different people Yeah, or hey, who knows we might not even know who the winner is on election day. Oh, would you take that bet? Uh, I don't know if I would take it, but I would make that prediction. I mean it happened as recently as 2000 That's right the year 2000 It seems possible. It seems plausible It all comes down to a couple key states. Everybody get out there and vote. Here we go Uh, this question comes from a

Guy. Oh, okay, so I'll give him a fake name. Yeah Really email fake name. Here we go hot Chad hot Chad. Yeah. Are there any other chads? No way Guys, I have a bit of a stickler here I was thinking about breaking up with my girlfriend because it's exam time And she's been so hard on herself even though these exams don't matter and it was really getting on my nerves Anyway, I was deciding when to break up with her when she sent me a message on skype apologizing

For being so difficult and saying that she's surprised I haven't thrown in the towel and that she's eternally grateful. Oh now i'm confused. Am I being a douchebag here? Should I still break up with her? I mean, she's pretty great now that I think about it And she's clearly in love with me. I wouldn't want to break her heart. Thanks for the advice. Anyway, cheers Yeah hot chat hot chat. This sounds like many relationships. I've been in as a youth When I was young it reminded me a lot In the following ways one Not empathizing with somebody else's stress

Which is like why are you freaking out? It's not that big of a deal. Yeah, which is what you can think But maybe not what you should say Right um It's not necessarily great advice to try to talk people down by saying what they're freaking out about doesn't matter Right, which is I think something I've probably sorry. I know something. I definitely have done before right Which is like my way of dealing with stress is like Hey, it's not that big of a deal in a week. You won't even remember what you're stressed out about so you might as well

It's not helping. No, it's like just just do it sort of general advice for relationships is respond to how that person feels not Not uh with how you think they should feel right so like she's freaking out about exams You say I understand you're freaking out about exams. Yeah, like I let it It's more of like a venting thing than like I need someone to tell me that Things that I'm passionate about aren't important. Right. That's not good So it's like it's almost like they need you to just a listen and b kind of agree and empathize and be like Yeah, this is fucking sucks. But like let's fucking beat this together or something

I guess and but the the the bigger problem with this guy is that he has no interest in doing that No, yeah, nor I guess uh He nor should he stay in this relationship if he's like this uh willing to give it up and the fact that she's like apologizing now that's because uh She doesn't want to lose him. So he it's basically like some it's like kind of like this game of chicken in relationship So it's like this lady was rightfully or unrightfully bothering this guy and then this guy's like, all right Fuck it. I'm gonna go and then the lady has to be like wait actually don't I'll change I swear I can be different and then you have to be like, all right great

Let's stick it out. But then it'll just regress into the actual right and she's not even saying wait. I'll be different She's saying like I appreciate you dealing with this. Yeah You're you're awesome for for not giving up, right? Uh, I I think it's not a great way reason to stay with somebody Uh, because they're in love with you. Yeah, didn't he say he's like, uh, yeah Now that I think about it. She does like me. She likes me like yeah And also the last sentence was like she doesn't I don't want to break her heart Right also bad reason to stay together. Yeah, you have to think about your heart

What you're gonna sacrifice yourself just because you don't want to break somebody else's heart No, dude, that's right So what I would say is what I would do this what I would actually do because this is what I did is like stay in the relationship For too long, right? He's gonna get back together with years. Yeah, just a couple years here and there It's no big deal when you're 22. What's another two years? Uh, but now that I'm older cutting things off earlier Yeah, uh, so maybe he could skip that part But maybe he has to go through that to learn this lesson for himself

So maybe he should get back together and then struggle for sitting in this chair. That's right He's got a sprained ankle. He's the one screaming into a microphone. You're still here at the same age. You haven't aged You haven't aged a bit. I haven't left the studio in a decade. You're a skeleton on a couch Waiting for this guy to walk in he grabs the mic your head rolls off because you're dust at this point This is a crypt. All right. I think we helped him. Uh, how is your ankle by the way? It's like It's 80% better, but like that doesn't mean anything like I still can't do anything even if it's 20% fucked. Yeah, it's like your heel I was just gonna equate it to that but uh

I think at least my heel's been this way for years. Right. You can fix it. There's still time I can just it's it feels weird. I have to be like I have to pretend like I can't walk on it even though I can So I can walk and feel no pain and then when I try to like jump on one foot It really hurts. So I'm like, should I just like ice my ankle that doesn't hurt that much and rest it up and not walk Even though it feels fine Because I have to like break through that last 20% Yeah I think you should or maybe go to a doctor. Yeah, that's what I'm worried about. It's funny because like

I feel like we talked about this before but if anybody You knew was experiencing this you'd be like go to a doctor you're a moron right and you're experiencing it So you're like, I don't want to go to a doctor. It's getting better. Yeah, it'll just be fine in a week. But just Pretend it was your brother who was doing this. Yeah, would you tell him to go to a doctor? Yeah, and I should I would I would if I could just go and just have him look at me But I know it'll be like I have to research where to go. I have to find out if he'll take my insurance I have to wait. I have to drive there. It's all pretty. Don't you use zoc doc? I can zoc it. I can doc it for sure. Zoc doc's easy. I'm gonna I'm looking up a doctor for my heel today actually

So really we can do it together. Yeah All right, so we're gonna do that. Great. Also, this was not sponsored by zoc doc. No All right, uh, this next question comes from a gal. Oh Yeah, dude, bad time Paulina Z Paulina Z Pauline Z writes Hey, Jake and Amir one of your oh eight day ones here needing both your help with this super weird problem

I'm having and before I even get into it. I know that it sounds like he's lying, but hear me out My boyfriend has told me on multiple occasions that he doesn't like to masturbate when he has a girlfriend So in the year and eight months, we've been together. He's only sorted himself out when we've been sexting I know this sounds like a total lie But I've told him every time it comes up that I don't mind if he watches porn and wanks, but he just doesn't want to This leads to my problem We live very far apart and he works during the week and I work at the weekends This results in us only getting to spend the night together once a month or so

And when we're having sex because he's had no sexual outlet at all, he comes almost straight away I know this must be annoying for him too, but it means I'm not getting off Please please help me solve this problem because waiting a month to have sex and then having it be cut short is really starting to frustrate me There's only so much porn and sexy netflix film one girl can take sooner or later. I'll need a good fucking I don't know what to do. Love you guys lots Paulina Z So this lady wants her guy to watch more porn Yeah, almost the opposite problem that dudes, uh, they're right in usually have yeah, she wants him to masturbate more So he can last longer. Well, the real question is like, why don't they have sex more than once?

Well, because he they live far apart He has school all week and she works on the weekends. Yeah, so the first one will be bad And then the two three four five seems like he'll last longer and longer and longer You think they should be having like more sex. Yeah, because during during their one night. Yeah Fuck like three times. Yeah, that's if he doesn't masturbate like if he's actually a quick guy Then if you have sex too soon after the first time you'll last longer just You know anatomically, he won't be able to get it up right away. I here's it. I think there's a chance I think there's a great chance

That he's jerking off. Oh anyway. Yeah, he's wanking till his heart's content right and then is also like you can be You can do both. Yeah, just because you're training for a marathon doesn't mean the race is any easier. Yeah, exactly So he's he's he's going to town regardless of the fact I feel like he's jerking the gherkin. He's yanking the crank. Yeah pulling on his meat constantly And and then but it still doesn't it's not the same as sex. So when he finally sees his girlfriend He's like very excited unless he like jerks off like literally like 30 minutes before she gets there Yeah, and that's why I think I would suggest something like they should have They should like sexed the night before right? So maybe he's just like at least it's slightly like

Prepared. Yeah, that's like a little more primed like it's almost like you guys had sex Or maybe that even fucking like riles him up more. I don't know. Yeah, tell him to edge So like just you just you know go to town until he's about to nut and then say like don't touch yourself for the next day Until you see me He's gonna like just come when he hugs you A volcano that erupts Remember in uh something about Mary that scene where he's like You know you're gonna want to jerk off before you go on on the date. Yeah, so you can be clearheaded

Yeah, I remember seeing that as like a 13 year old not quite understanding the importance of that or like why that helps And then I remember trying that technique later in life But like it almost reduces it almost like works too much where it like reduces you to like someone that doesn't want to Yeah, but maybe that's good for a date So like doesn't even put that in your in your Memory or your brain at all. Yeah, definitely when I as soon as I come I stop thinking about women as objects for a full like 30 minutes. Oh at least if not 32 It is interesting how uh

When you when uh male orgasms, he's just like uh, I just want to like lay down here and Watch tv do nothing sexual But it seems like that's the opposite for women like having an orgasm just like all right now. I'm in the mood Yeah, that's like it's like a guy finishing a meal and a girl just getting an appetizer That's interesting. I feel I wonder if it's because guys are just so much like we're pleased way more of the time than girls are Oh, like they're they're having It's more rare for women to have orgasms. So when they have one they're like This was that was great. Yeah, let's have another one. Yeah, like if you if you had like half the amount of orgasms

as you had and then you Basically get reminded how good it feels to come. You're not like all right. That was good. Whatever you like Yeah, I'll do it again. Right, but I guys can't do that guys can't have the multiple orgasms It's like I like the orgasm being like on top of each other, but you could like reset After a few minutes and get hard again. Well, I guess we're getting older now Give me more than a few minutes. Yeah, it takes me five days to get hard again To refill my tank. Oh god

I can never please anybody we're all gonna die. It's almost like the semen is the the the sexual energy Oh, and you transfer it. Well, then how would you explain? Lesbians What? Forget it. What's that? Is that like the hottest thing in the world? Imagine two guys hooking up, but it's chicks instead What the yeah, if you're if you're two lesbians and you make each other orgasm and then it's like, all right, let's do it again Let's do it again multiple orgasms. Let's fucking keep the party going

I guess lesbians probably have the best sex of all because they never they never fatigue and then when it happens They both want it more. It's like a positive cycle instead of the negative one Jesus Should I be a gay woman? I feel like I should be gay and a woman. It's about time, dude I feel like I should do people. I don't even ask this question It's really ignorant unless I should because this is a safe space. It's a safe space I'm not gonna be able to probably won't be able to answer it, but go ahead. Okay

The transgender thing let's say I'm a man who wants to be a woman Can I be a man that wants to be a lesbian woman? Or is it like that? Oh, yeah, I can't answer that You can it's not like a sexual orientation thing. Well, I think like the trans this part I don't actually know what I'm talking about. But what I think is There's definitely there's definitely people that identify as a woman. So like You can think you were born in the wrong body, right? So I'm attracted you don't even feel like to you It doesn't feel like

You're a even though you have a penis it doesn't if you're attracted to a girl It wouldn't feel like you're a heterosexual You'd be like, I'm a woman and I'm attracted to women. Yeah So yeah, that exists. It's like I'm a guy and I'm attracted to women But I feel like I'm a woman attracted to women, right? So you could you could identify as a lesbian Thanks, man I mean you don't All right, I thought you were getting me something to try. Oh, no humans can it's possible. It's possible but not probable

Probably unlikely, but definitely it happens. Uh, all right. Let's take a let's take a break. Wait. How many questions do we have? Uh, we've got four that was number two. All right. So let's take a break right now and be back with more questions After this actually you're hosting the show you do that. All right. Let's take a break We're gonna be right back with a few more questions. All right. Ciao folks. Try that again. Let's do uh, let's do like southern accent style All right. All right. All right. We're gonna take a break right now. Then we can be right back with two more questions Howdy Well, howdy says hi. Oh, yeah, so let's do one like uh, eastern european. It's like you're polish or romanian or something um, uh, uh, all right, um Jesus, um

You can do it. All right. We are going to be uh, that's french kind of French is fine. Just I want some options in that. Okay. Um, bonjour. We are going to Right back. Well, I'm saying hello. I did say hello. Oh at the top. Bonjour. Okay. Yeah. All right. Is that fine with you? Yeah, yeah, fucking asshole It's a cute guy. Bonjour. We will take a quick break and be right back with 3 2 or 2 More questions

I'll leave it to you. That's Italian. Yeah. Yeah. How do you say bye french? Oh good question Ciao No, ciao is universal by the way. Okay Ciao and elsa me. All right. All right. We got I think we got it All right, cool. We'll be right back Actually, you should say we'll be right back. We'll be right back. That was really good not doing a french accent We'll be right back that we is actually french for yes from us This show is sponsored by better help. Thank you better help if you're finding yourself in a difficult

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It's been very helpful So you can find that balance better with better help All you got to do is go to better help comm slash if I were you you do that today You can get 10 off your first month So the prices are already affordable because you're not paying rent for a building somewhere that you have to drive to and wait in a waiting room This is done entirely online, but you're still getting professional licensed help And it's extra affordable. That's better help HELP.com slash if I were you check them out. Thanks better help

Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Wow For years and years and years We've been ranting and raving about Squarespace because it's the best way for dummies like me and potentially you that don't necessarily know how to code or design To create a professional looking website So if you're building an online portfolio for yourself or a loved one or you want to sell stuff online You can do an online store. They have 24 7 live customer support email campaigns Data you can even purchase a domain name through Squarespace

For example, I didn't even look this up But there's no way you can't buy a mere blumenfeld is a good dude.com I bet that's available and you can have it today and you can buy it through Squarespace and build an awesome website dedicated to me Or I guess dedicated to anyone else in your life. Maybe you want to give somebody a gift this season a summer birthday coming up Who doesn't want a website? So the best way to do that is to go to squarespace.com Slash if I were you for a free trial and when you're ready to launch Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain

Again squarespace.com slash if I were you free trial. Everything looks good. Let's launch it Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you Squarespace And we are back. What's up? What is new in the life of blue? Well, nice What is new with jew? Um Purchasing a home. What an adult endeavor. What what a process. Yeah. Wow. We that's something we both did this This summer

Did it we started I started mine in august. Yeah started in september, right? It takes about 30 to 60 days to get it all done. So by the time it got done It felt like it had taken an entire season. Yes, it's crazy to like When I was like searching my emails for documents and stuff like to see me like Just a naive little boy. Yeah, August 1st being like, oh, yeah, let's submit this. Yeah, anybody can submit an offer That's the first thing you learn. You can just submit offers that you don't actually want. Yeah When your offer was accepted, do you remember how you felt? Uh, yeah, it was like how 80 confusion 20 excitement

It's like basically like when you went again a racing metaphor It's like, hey, you win access to the new york city marathon. You're like awesome. Wait, what how do I but I can't Confused excited dread. Yeah, like here's a huge responsibility. Congrats. You're like, yeah, but well, how do I do it? How do I do this thing and then it's just like an uphill slug fest Right. Well the first the first two weeks is just paperwork and trying to get a loan Right So the way it works is that like you promise to pay a certain amount of money and then you have to Guarantee that a bank will pay the other close to 80 percent

Right of the home price kind of crazy. You say I'll pay this and trust me I'm gonna be able to get this. Yeah, and they're like, all right Don't worry about the other hundreds of thousands. I got this but you don't really got it yet No, so then you gotta go get it. Yeah, you have to get somebody to believe in you so much that they're like Yeah, we'll pay 80 percent of the house you you'll pay us back over time And then meanwhile when you're like begging and borrowing to get this extra money, you are Going to like inspect your house where you learn it's not worth what you thought it was. Yeah, they have to appraise it They show you everything that's bad with the house. Oh, yeah, and it's a laundry list

It is a multi-page document just uh everything from a small is like Oh, the shingles on the roof need to be replaced to like Big issues like sorry, these pipes are 80 years old. You know, it'll cost you a lot of money to replace them Like no, I don't know that I saw an open house and the house looked fine And I didn't look underneath the house to see how the I forgot to look at the pipes And I looked at the window and it was a nice view and now that we're here I feel bad rescinding my offer because of a pipe or a shingle or a roof and it really is it's just like You save your whole entire life

Uh for the bank to own your house. Yeah, so you give all of the money that you have and it's not nearly enough Oh, not even close and not even a quarter of the way there It's do you feel like you own a little piece of America right now? Or do you feel like the bank owns it and you're sort of like the bank is your roommate? Oh, I don't think that I think I think I own it But I shouldn't own it like they gave me this house They gave a house to a child and I have to take care of that you yeah Yeah, like if something breaks, I'll be like, all right

I'll call the landlord and then they'll be like there is no landlord that you have to deal with it One of the most fun things to me was going because every every like apartment you move into it's just like it doesn't You can like You ask like, oh, can I paint this wall and they're like, all right. Well, you got to paint it back. Right. Okay. Okay I don't own it. That's fair and I was walking through my house with the contractor and I was like, can we just like take Make this window bigger and I was like, yeah, we can do anything. Huh I should ask the person that owns it. Hey bank Do you mind if I make this window bigger bank of america's like no actually you uh, you really can't do that

Right and every apartment you're in feels temporary because it's like a one year lease I'm like, I don't want to like fucking like start breaking shit and moving outlets. I'm like, yeah Like even hanging up a tv. It's like, all right, you can get an electrician to move the outlet so that the wires don't come down I'm like, I'll just have a wire there for 12 months and I'll leave I was That's I even I just like rather than go through the wall or anything. I like bought a little wire hider Which I never hung up But now I'm like thinking about where I'll put my tv and it's like I I just want everything to be Fucking perfect

But I also have never felt less handy like using a handyman How cool would it be if you were that handy and you're like, you know what let me fucking hang up this tv You know what? Let me make the window bigger. I can do that. Yeah Well, I feel like being handy is something I could do like in my apartment like I knew I would know how to like You know hang stuff Yeah, like but in I've definitely been in apartments where I like hung things two different places, you know and like Hit a hole in the wall. Yeah, accidentally, but

When it comes to my house, I'm like, I don't trust myself at all. I want I want to pro touching everything Yeah, I want a professional but I'm looking forward to like the little stuff like fixing Leaks and stuff like that. Yeah, I still I don't I don't know how to do that I wonder if there's a class that teaches like, you know how the you you have miguel. Yeah How how many classes would you have to take to be as good as miguel? Would it be years and years of experience or like if you take a one month crash course? He he went to college for carpentry like he went to carpentry school. Yeah But I don't think you like can go to carpentry school and come out as good as miguel. He's also been working for

40 years, right So that was another thing when I was walking around with because miguel did like some little stuff around the office and it was mostly like I guess I was I asked him to like remove a built-in bed remove like an extra Closet, yeah to get more space and then I was talking to him about like Painting and flooring and I was like, oh, yeah, I don't have to get someone to do that. He was like jake. I do that. What? You met leading to kiss you I do everything

Not here. I wonder if I would have to pay extra money to Be an assistant to miguel. Oh, yeah, just slow him down Would it help miguel if you were there to see miguel? It would definitely not help But I would I would love to just be like an apprentice with him on my own house. Oh, that's nice Yeah, that way he's like teaching you. That's what we should have done. I should have asked him But I was I'm too nervous. He's like such a good carpenter. Even something as simple as like Somebody's painting the interior of my home And they're they're basically making it

One shade of white to another shade of white and I'm like, how can you tell which part of the wall you've? Painted already like how could you if they look so similar? Which one has a semi gloss which one doesn't they can like see the difference I feel like I would need to change the wall color completely to see which part has been painted already Yeah, but the painter has such a keen eye between like Swiss coffee and bone white and china white and I didn't even know that paints had different finishes too There's like matte matte eggshell lust like whatever semi gloss and that's just something that like They knew exactly what I should put up was like

I guess this is how you do find out, right? So maybe I mean I guess I just hope that I remember. Yeah for the in the 30 years when you buy your next house Let's see. Uh, all right. We'll take photos when it's all ready as of right. Yeah You put a photo on your instagram. I did so follow jake herwitz on instagram I could really use the love folks and I will also post a picture of jake's home on instagram That's really nice. Yeah, we both live in the ravens nests of our dreams the ravens nests that we could afford It's not the ravens nests. We deserve the ravens nests. We can afford imagine the best house that we could afford Um, all right, let's see this next question comes from another lady

This is the saty cawkins episode besides the first question. Yeah besides the fact that men chose the questions Who that's what we should do is we should have a guest choose the questions once Yeah, we just make them we threw 15,000 Thanks for coming on our show Zabar Zabar rofesh Zabar rofesh writes What up boys? I'm in a pickle not a literal one. That would be weird a figurative pickle

Again, I was not brined in cucumbers But speaking of pickles crunchy in particular my father is a very loud chewer Strange yes, but it's so bad that I can hear him eating a salad all the way from other parts of the house No exaggeration at first I didn't mind because it was minuscule and I was like hey those chips are crunchy But whatevs no not whatevs faster than I thought my father has gotten more stubborn and all the more clueless And careless with his eating habits every time we sit down to eat I fear I am about to tear my ears off of my head and throw them down the street because only then What I'd be saved from is god awful chomping the man is able to take any food and slurp it like it's fucking soup

mother trucking soup When the man eats chips, I can feel the table shake. It's insufferable Yes, my dad is able to take any food I dearly love and make me go through hell just to eat it tacos. Nope pasta Hell nah pizza forget about it. My father is making me hate pizza And I'm not the only one every time my dad so much as takes a fork full of whatever's on his plate I can notice the visible cringes on everyone's face at the dinner table We've gone so far as to alter what we make for dinner

But the dude is still managing to turn it into an all-you-can-chomp fest Yes, we've tried talking to him, but alas to no avail. His claim is that he does no such thing How the hell do I tell my father to quit maniacally munching till kingdom come? Please help me for god's sake and for the sake of my sanity and my ears. Thanks dudes Zebar wrote fresh Rofesh Rofesh she yeah, her dad seems to be the Tasmanian devil What food would make the least amount of noise if you ate it? Or can any food be loud the least beans? That's good rice. I was gonna say yeah rice. It's hard to eat rice loudly

Yeah, but I guess you can You can yes, it's like the lips knocking together. Yeah I guess I empathize with both sides of this I was kind of a loud eater myself like when I'm by myself I think we've talked about this before And I'm not worried like if you eat alone in the woods and nobody's there to hear it doesn't make a sound I'm pretending it doesn't I can't hear it if if I'm creating it when I'm by myself I'm shoving chips in my mouth. I'm eating over a sink. It's loud. It's sloppy I had I had a real bachelor's dinner last night. I was kind of cooking myself something very nice

It was uh, it was a rice bowl with uh with with temper A fried egg some kale Chopped tomato avocado. That's nice. Um And there was one other ingredient did I say if I said a fried egg already? Yeah some avocado. Yeah, really nice It was a really nice dish a nice And I was you know placing everything in the bowl trying to make it look real pretty a blue gogi of sort And it was just it just got so big and it started overflowing I just dumped it back into the pot that I had made the rice. Oh, and then you ate it with a wooden spoon

Drenched in sriracha And then you shovel it into your mouth. Oh man, and then you eat it over the bowl So anything that falls just falls back into the feed bag. Oh, yeah, just completely hunched. Yeah Folded in half over on my couch over my coffee table. What are you watching on tv during that? That was the the okc. Oh, that's good a man sports Professional men's basketball game. He's going off. Yeah, just shoving food into your mouth going ham as I'm eating Bake ham tempi. Yeah But at the same time

Uh, I can understand being like this is too loud. I'm not even enjoying food. Everyone's telling him not to do it Yeah But he is the dad so like he made these kids and now they've grown up to like yell at him So like I can be like what what are you mad about? I made you I'm feeding you This is a small complaint to have it turned it into like a silly thing I feel like everybody should go out and get like, um, construction headphones Like big noise canceling construction headphones like, uh, what's it called air traffic control? Yeah, so you So then everyone sits at dinner puts on their headphones

It's like a little bit of a joke like ha ha ha, but then it's like seriously now to your beat is this bad Yeah, I can't do it. Yeah the ugly cousin of Eating loud is snoring It's like eating loud that you can't help. Are you a snorer? I think I'm I'm not a bad snorer But I'm a like 50 of the times snorer. So like There's been situations where people wake up mad at me And I'm like how'd I do last night? Yeah, I didn't sleep at all actually you ruined my night of sleep and thus my day I'm like, oh, sorry. And when I snore it means I'm in the deepest most relaxing sleep

So I wake up feeling great. Oh, like I'm deep deep in it. The the dreams were dense I wake up fully refreshed next to someone who's very mad Jeff Rubin once had a funny line or is like snoring is like being a werewolf Like you just like come back to and you're like, so what did I miss and everyone's mad at you? You killed a villager last night, right? But it's not to the point where it's happening every night Uh, so I've never like done too much to prevent it. Yeah Well, it's usually just like you could flip over on your side and stop snoring. Yeah But then like some people I know they're like, no, I have to like

Uh, a buddy of mine went to like sleep therapy thing and like wears a mask to his like sleep now Because I guess there's different reasons to snore, right? Well, also, I think it's just it's It's a bad pairing to be like A person that snores with a light sleeper. Yeah, light sleeper I've never dated a light sleeper before. Oh, I've dated light sleepers. Masks white noise. Yeah, jack silence. No bueno. Yeah I have My sisters are light sleepers and I'll be like downstay when I'm at home like downstairs watching tv Everything's fine. And then all of a sudden like it's like a fucking apparition. My like sister's just in there

Turn it down Or I'll kill you The closed captions I know but the light it can I start like how light of your sleep lighter than I'm awake Like my eyes are open and I can't I can't see the tv and it's keeping you up Sleeping is so particular though. Like and you can't choose it. It chooses you So I can't choose to become a light sleeper or a heavy sleeper And like the odds of your sleeping habits working out are so slim Like have you ever slept over a lady's house and they're like I only sleep with the tv's on

Like what a specific thing like you need like to fall asleep to flickering images and like tv Yeah, I have I have been there, but I couldn't sleep any I can fall asleep to anything So it's never been like right, but if you were a light sleeper, right, they were not. Yeah, exactly Sorry, I need to have a fan on oh, I can't have any noise at all. Yeah. All right. Well, I need a I need a little night light in the corner Right, it's got to be pitch in here. Do you need that stuff or is that like what you think you need? This is me not empathizing again. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know. I guess Um, is it like is it a habit thing? Is it right? Is it like fulfilling expectations? So you feel comfortable enough to fall asleep or is it one of those things where like it doesn't matter if I actually need it

As long as I think I need it. I do need it because it's my brain. That's true I don't know man. I just don't sleep anymore to bring it back to this guy with the uh, or this gal with the loud chewing pop. Yeah Uh I think You've got to keep you've got to turn it into a joke Yeah, or like then that won't make you feel so weird about bringing it up all the time And it will like you guys will say it with a laugh, but your dad will probably quietly be shamed into Yeah, I was gonna say maybe the opposite be like we just won't eat with you

And then he'll be like forced to be like all right fine like I'll change That's too sad. Oh sad when it might work. We want to make him sad is the thing Oh, yeah sad dad. I I hate I hate thinking about a sad dad Sad mom though. I love that. That's hilarious. Yeah a bum mum. All right. Well, I think we helped okay, maybe next We should get a bell Next another proud customer like dings the bell when we finally answer the question. Oh, that's good Come on. Hey, have we not all right now? We talked about storing for nine minutes instead Um, okay. This last one comes from a lady with a husband. Okay. See

Lady with a husband. I'm thinking Oh another lady. Yeah Uh The all lady episode except for the first question and the two guys hosting t dj Tdj. So like, you know how some ladies are like two initials. Yeah, this one's three three. Hi, I'm tdj Yeah, an initial hand of comma. That's right tdj td comma j tdj writes So I'll just get right into it. My husband and I were visiting his parents this past weekend in their house They have an upstairs office that kind of used to be my husband

Husbands hang out when he lived there side note. We're both 25. Wow young ham young hub While we were hanging out there this weekend my husband turned on the computer and we both realized that his old computer account Was the one open We were a little weirded out because he hasn't lived there in four years But then I thought this account is like a time capsule from when we were dating. Let's explore I knew I wouldn't find my husband's old porn because he's smarter than that just to leave it there on his parent's computer But I was still curious in general. So we went for the firefox history The last searches were for porn stars and specific categories of porn

just google Just google searches for deep throat vintage porn mature porn names of different old porn stars I looked at my husband like what's happening and he with a pale face pointed my direction at the fact that these searches were from today While we were there. We were both grossed out realizing that these were his dad's searches from today We went to his mom to the we went with his mom to the grocery store earlier that day So that he could so that could have been when it happened But his dad was supposed to be watching our baby nephew We sat there in silence watching our two-year-old niece play. We were just sick to our stomachs

I felt so bad that my curiosity made everything weird for the rest of the weekend I feel even worse now because i'm afraid i've ruined my husband's view of his dad How did kids in the 80s find their dad's playboys and act totally chill about it? I get that porn is whatever and i'm not about to judge but his parents really don't have the best marriage I feel like we have this secret now that his mom most fucking likely doesn't know about and I feel disgusting I want to talk to my husband about it, but when I tried once he said he never wants to talk about it again I would hate to bring it up if he's in the process of forgetting it What would you do if this happened to you?

How would you try to get past the fact that you know your dad looks at porn and you know his specific searches? Should we just try to forget about it? Please help us Love t dj Yeah, I would I would not think about it after like 30 seconds later. Like what's the I don't understand How is this a bad thing? Well, I think the the main Unfortunate takeaway is that the dad was searching this while he was supposed to be babysitting right, but like maybe the kid's taking a nap I don't know what the two-year-olds doing I can't judge who am I to judge like that's speculative to like where we can assume

Or we can hope that the two-year-old wasn't like taking a nap in the room or playing in the corner Right, which I'm pretty positive that wouldn't be the case. Yeah, you know when you're surrounded by people you gotta There's very slivers thin slivers of opportunity to to wink it. Yeah, so I uh, I don't know. Do two-year-olds have cribs? Yeah, can they At the very least they still got their old cribs That they could be put in. Yeah. No, I think two is maybe two of her crib Um, but they can definitely be I don't know. I feel weird taking this guy's side like yeah

They could be playing a lot. I kind of agree that she literally says porn is whatever Like I tell like I'm sure my husband looks at porn like she recognizes that he deletes the history Yeah, but then she finds the dad's porn and she's Way up and up like this is unacceptable because they have a bad marriage But what can poor doesn't make a bad marriage porn just if anything helps the bad marriage the weird thing is is the uh The two-year-old situation, but like what is this your job to like Start investigating. I definitely jacked it when I was supposed to be watching my brother Yeah, but you're also you were like

13 and he was five It's a little weirder if he was like 62 and the two-year-old Is to be watched. Yeah, it is like thinking about dads generally like do you think your dad looks at porn? I don't think so. I don't think my dad does either I mean, I have no idea. I guess I I'm comfortable enough that I would ask him They'd be really funny, but he's definitely not comfortable enough that he would answer But like all like there's something classy That about like oh our dad had our dad's had like porno magazines or something. Yeah playboy or a penthouse

That was the more risky one. Yeah, and then you find them and like and by the way I never even I like searched for my dad's playboys and stuff and he never even had that right um He would just j o to like old accounting magazines. Oh, yeah the tax code for 15 90 92 Just a thick I remember tried to open it once and it was all the pages stuck together. Oh my god But it like when we're old men we'll be Looking at porn perhaps on the computer well or fucking like equivalent And I watch Yeah, maybe it'd be kind of interesting if one day you actually got to have sex with siri or alexa

No That's that's what they're fucking priming us for. Why do you think they're such sexy female voices? It's really it's never like yo, what can I help you out with? Yeah. Oh, you're making my dick shrivel What's the weather in cupratino? Uh 68 degrees I don't want to fuck you at all siri. They basically program it to sound like a fem sex spot How can I help you? Probably and then it's like eventually it'll be like the weather is 64 degrees Actually, I can get you off too

Well, don't mind if I do What would you like me to say to you? It'd be funny like in the future. You could see how many times you had siri talk you up As people have probably Uh gotten off to siri at this point What would you ask? Definitely what you'd need to do is find out where it's 69 degrees and then like she would have to answer And like you would have to assume that she's winking at you I'm like it's currently 69. Let's see if she'll do it. All right. Where is it 69 though? Do you want to guess this area siri talk dirty to me?

I'm not that kind of personal assistant yet Do you have the iphone 7? Siri say 69 That may be beyond my abilities at the moment But but if you upgrade Uh, yeah, what's another dirty thing we could try to get siri to say Can you say like siri? Can you address me as big boy? Yeah, let's see Siri call me big boy

You would like me to call you big boy big big boy You'll need to unlock your iphone first Oh, you're undressing me in a way Siri call me big dick motherfucker You'll need to unlock your iphone first. What the fuck why isn't it already unlocked? Because they don't want you to change the settings Let's see You would like me to call you big dick motherfucker. Did you hear that? Yes

Big dick motherfucker that has a nice ring to it. Oh my god coming Oh Siri, so how will she ever call you that so siri? What's my name? Siri, what's my name? You're jake, but you asked me to call you big dick motherfucker That's a little insulting Actually, siri just assume my name is the big dick motherfucker. Don't tell people I asked Can you let everyone know that you're calling me that on your own volition?

You came up with it yourself actually after seeing the pictures on my iCloud I begged you not to call me that and you insist it Sure thing big dick motherfucker. I can't I can't believe they could do that Yeah, it probably only works for me actually. What are you talking about? I bet not I bet you wouldn't call everybody big dick motherfucker. You probably have to You know burn it in a fucking weird way They have to you have to feel the shaft along the left side of the iphone and if it goes past it Siri's been in my pocket for the last couple years. So she she knows my hog All right, so

Would you you would say that this girl could probably uh take a Take a tip from her husband and start trying to forget This ever happened. It's okay that guys look at porn. It's okay that your husband looks at porn. It's okay that your Husband's dad looks at porn. Yeah You know obviously maybe you shouldn't have done it while he was babysitting but As long as the kid's still alive She's unfortunately not but it seems to be unrelated to the porn. I have a hard time getting over that. Yeah Uh, I would say get over it

But at the same time I would understand why a lot of people would be mad at me for giving that advice Yeah, maybe you don't let the dad watch the Nephew completely by itself anymore. Yeah, and if anybody asks be like I have this weird inkling that he um was a Naughty boy big dick motherfucker while he looked at it last Uh, all right. That's it. That was good show. I like I like when you take the reins. It's more relaxing for me actually Well, yeah, that's how I feel every podcast. Oh, shit But we can swing if you want. Oh, that's nice. Uh, what was that opening theme song? Oh, it's Justin Goncalves

Uh, this closing one is by rachel easy So thanks rachel and thanks, Justin And if any of you guys have your own questions or your own theme song submissions, what is that email? If I were you show at gmail.com, we will be back next week. Thank you everybody toe Da Email jake and amir's if I were you show But probably just make fun of your sad sad life, but that's okay

But what rhymes with show You should email these two They'll tell you what they would do even though they're both substantially better looking than you You should email them anyway. See that she Email them anyway. They're not Chinese But they're racist anyway If I were you show at gmail.com If I were you show starts now

That was a hate gun podcast