If I Were You - 245: Weird Science (w/Dan Levy!)

Episode Date: November 14, 2016

Comedian/Friend Dan Levy joins us to discuss long distance relationships and college comedy shows.This episode is brought to you by MeUndies, BlueApron, and Indochino!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

I don't ask for opinions, I don't give my friends a crud I have a nice family I don't listen to Damn, I'm only just these two guys I've found on the internet Wait until you hear all the dope advice that I get What do you gotta say and shake? And I really wanna hear from you, Amir Cause it's advice that I need Oh, if I were you, show

Yeah, alright! Thoughts? Well, I love Sublime And that's the most I'll compliment this lady I love her leaping off point The idea was great Dan Levy in the house Yes, headgum studios

That's the third Jewish voicey here So in case it sounds like there's three people talking there is I should say that song was written by Grandmaster Kate Grandmaster Kate Yeah, as you said, it was a... Santeria? No Santeria Oh yeah, it is Santeria

Yeah Alright, Santeria parody by Sublime Dan Levy Guys, you know, you don't lead singer Sublime died? What? When? I mean, the election stuff sort of taken away from him But he's dead

Yeah, I think it might have been in the 90s actually Really? Yeah, nearly 20 years ago No, cause when did The Wrong Way come out? Yeah 12 years old, do two more, she'll be no more What year do you think Bradley from Sublime died? 1994

1994? I'm gonna say 96 96 is correct Oh, what do I win? Thanks for coming on When Did These People Die podcast You know what, 94 was Kurt Cobain, I think Oh yeah, you should really mix those two up Someone's not a music snob like me

I like Yellow Card What did the guy from Yellow Card die? He's died today Ryan Key? Whoa, you know his name? Let me check My old roommate in college was obsessed with the Yellow Card Yeah, Ryan Key

Is he alive? Ryan Key is still alive Still alive, I love that There's a place called Ocean Avenue I love all that kind of music that I found out I found out that that guy was an asshole Really? I heard through the pop punk world

It's not like Woody Allen, we're like Now I don't know whether we appreciate his art I found out that Ryan Key from Yellow Card was an asshole, actually Now I don't know if I can listen to Yellow Card I heard in the pop punk scene, he was selfish and with trash hotel rooms and just didn't respect the other bands

Isn't that every musician? No, but I think... But he didn't deserve it at all Yeah, and they were at this moment where Yellow Card was blowing up and he kind of went nuts This is all hearsay from people who don't matter But anyways, apparently... It's a river started by the starting line

So when Yellow Card started going down, no one cared Yeah They were like, fuck you Yeah, fuck you But I still love that song Ryan Key Ocean Avenue, yeah Dan Levy, how would people know who you are?

Why are you on our show? Obviously we're friends I mean, you're here for a reason Yeah, I'm here for a reason I'm here to promote my comedy special So you are a comedian I'm a comedian You're a jokester

I'm a jokester You're a professional jokestman I'm a professional jokestman In what capacity? I do stand-up comedy Old school shit Old school shit I wear a suit

Remember when Jake and I did like old college humor live shows with you? Oh, I was thinking as I was driving over here Yeah, that was fun College humor... The other day I got an email from Tumblr That said, you haven't been on college humor live lately College humor live College humor live

God Meanwhile, those shows were amazing if you look back Yeah, that was fun We were on the shows Zease was on the shows Yeah, John Mulaney was there Me and Jake did not deserve to like emcee this night of comedy We had never like performed before

We did a show with like you and Anthony Jessamick Pete Hosell's on a bunch of them They were so good I remember there was one that I did with John Mulaney and Nick Kroll and Colin Quinn Oh yeah, Colin Quinn Colin Quinn, I hosted it And Reggie Watts That was the show

Jesus It was the day that Owen Wilson tried to kill himself Holy shit And we did this show in like a basketball arena And Colin Quinn came out And it was like, I think it was like half full or something Half empty Half empty

And Colin Quinn came out and he was like, ugh Owen Wilson tried to kill himself today He should have my career He should have my career It was the funniest, I was like screaming laughing But that was the thing with college humor live shows Like they never knew like what would happen It was the mid-2000s, we didn't know better

Yeah, they were like, college humor is popular Why don't you guys perform in the arena? We're like, no, no Wait, wait Why don't we do a theater? Not everyone is going And it was just college humor like thematically Like you didn't work for college humor

You were just a college comedian type I was just like a comic who was in my 20s And then like me and Jake were just like sketch writers Who were like 23 And Jake and Amir were, it was really bad for us to go on stage And Amir was like, I love chicken nuggets Sorry Why is this good?

I'm here to see Pete Holmes Yeah, it was Then Kumail Nanjani comes out in slays And we have to go back out after him Yeah, I'm like, hey, you guys like that video of us in our cubicle? No, fuck Shit, because we were going to show a yet to be released one One that wasn't good enough to put out

And I remember I had to do a similar thing I did comedy one time for MTV spring break But I had to warm up the crowd in Atlantic City And remind me of that because I had to go out on stage And they were like, hey, you know, this crowd doesn't really want stand-up You should probably just like, you know, give them some candy And just like have them clap They're trick-or-treating, not really at a comedy show

And I was like, no, they want my comedy And they're like, no, no, no, they just haven't seen me They're going to be into it once I really get them going And I went out there and I was like, so, I forget my jokes We want candy No, literally, I was like, so I, who likes having sex Or whatever my stupid jokes were at that time And then they started like booing me and I was like, give me candy, give me candy

And I ran off and I got a bunch of candies Throwing candy at all these kids You loved you It was so embarrassing I saw the best comedian ever yesterday I don't know any of his jokes, but at one point he chucked a tootsie roll pop I just remember one of the shows we did Do you remember the one we did outdoors at NC State?

Oh, that was terrible, so cold Yeah, it was freezing, it was so cold And it was kind of raining too, right? Yeah It was very uncomfortable and like, and we were trying to like warm everybody up And like some dude was like raised his hand and I like put the mic on him He was like, we're all having fun, but we need to respect what happened at Fort Hood Oh, yeah

A shooting that day Yeah I remember that show because it was so cold and so dark God, yes So bad That did so many bad shows during that run of shows That could be another podcast that you're talking about coming up with a podcast Oh, yeah, just bad

Terrible gigs Terrible gigs, yeah Because you must have done over a thousand shows? I've done over a thousand, yeah, definitely over a thousand shows I did a show at the time Over a thousand colleges Over a thousand colleges Yeah, because I was, I mean, you guys might not remember and the audience might not know

But in 2001, I was the funniest college comedian in America Wow Oh, shit Were you college aged at that time? I was 20 Wow Yeah, I was a sophomore in college Holy shit

And I got Crown King Wow, that's pretty huge Where did you go to college at Emerson? Yeah, I went to Emerson Damn, dude Yeah, it was, so because of that, I was like, you know, doing all those nacka shows and everything And I remember I went to one school, it was like Skidmore, some college I went to And they were like, hey, you're gonna open up for this comedian Liam

And I was like, Liam, I was like, first of all, I'm the funniest college kid in America So I'm definitely not opening up for anyone No, I was like, there's an asshole I called my age You were the Ryan Key of comedy Especially because you had an electric fiddle Yeah, so I called my age, I was like, hey, who am I opening up for? Have you ever heard of this guy, Liam? Who's Liam? And they're like, I don't know, it's fucking bullshit

You're a fucking college comedian in America So then they called the college to complain, like that was how stupid it was And then the college was like, no, no, no, it's this guy Liam, he's very famous on YouTube And this was early when people weren't famous on YouTube yet And turned out he was the guy with the viral video, Shoes Remember that video? Oh, shoes Yeah, oh my god, shoes

Oh my god, shoes, yeah, it was a really funny video So I was like, he needs to open up for me because people are really amped to see the shoes guy And I was like, fuck, what the fuck, fine So then I go there and I meet him, he's actually super nice But again, I had the attitude of like, I'm gonna go on first And I'm gonna just do my jokes if you're gonna love me And as soon as I get on stage, I'm like, how's it going? They're like, Shoes!

Shoes! Don't they know that song two minutes long? No, the best thing about, I swear, what happened? He played it ten times Oh yeah Oh god Yeah, he came out That guy's American, I thought he was British

He came out, this guy Liam Yeah, Liam Sullivan Liam Sullivan, he was really funny, he came out, he sang this shoe song Oh my god, shoes Oh my god, shoes, people are crazy, right? I'm watching and I'm like, oh, this is pretty good Then he's like, check out this movie, then he played the shoe song On the video of it, people were still going crazy

Then he was like, who wants to sing the shoe song? And the kids were going crazy, they didn't bring people on stage They sing the shoe song Oh my god And I'm in the back, like, you know, Edie and Granola are being like Are you fucking kidding, this guy's probably being like $20,000 He's doing the same set, three minute set, eight times in a row Part of the set is just other people doing his set for him while he hangs out

These shoes suck These shoes suck, these shoes are great So Dan, I don't know if you know this about us But this is actually an advice podcast You do know that Yeah, yeah, so basically, people will email us And they're in sticky situations, asking for our guidance, our advice They'll email ifirishow at gmail.com

Jake and I combed through tens of thousands of questions Come up with, let's say, three to four interesting ones Try to answer it, sometimes just us two, sometimes we have a friend in the house Today we have you Yes You're slightly older than us, probably slightly wiser than us Oh, I'm so much wiser You're a father of two

Father of two? What, two? Yeah I didn't realize you had a second You're not following me on Instagram? I should Yeah, yeah, I have two kids, I have three-year-old and one-year-old So there we go Are they both boys?

No, one-year-old's girl That's awesome, dude Yeah, it's very cute It's so cute Having kids is very cute That's my advice to you guys, have kids Who's your favorite? Abe's pretty cool

The girl hasn't done much yet She's one, so she is just kind of like She's playing catch-up She basically just sits around and eats hummus with a straw Oh, that's awesome She is Israeli Yeah, she is very Israeli You going for three?

No Two for two and down Four is two and out No, three is too many Three is too many You can't take any home Yeah, I don't understand people who have two And they're like, let's get one more

No, I just, I'm so tired I can't even What would three do? I don't know I don't know what to do with third one Well, at a certain point Abe would be old enough to watch the other one He's three, it's gonna be a long time

Oh, so you wait three years? We do for like ten years Yeah, you gotta wait like eight years And then have another set of two Yeah, because like today I'm with Abe We went to the mall Hung out at Disney Store

And did a bunch of stuff And then Rachel is with Romy And then, you know, we had a third kid Who would be the third kid? You needed a third parent Yeah, you needed a third parent You got maybe, or maybe just a kid Who comes here to pose a podcast

Make some money Oh, you and Abe should have a podcast Oh, a baby cast That's the idea Alright, alright, let's try to answer some questions These people are in need of our advice Let's start with someone This is a love question that seems to be up your alley

We're gonna give this guy a fake name Just to preserve his anonymity If you have a fake name for this guy, it could be anything Dan That's really original Oh, that's gonna be confusing You're right Okay, how about Owen?

Owen is good I like that Okay, Owen Owen Dan Owen Daniels You guys are absolutely hilarious I'm wondering if it's time for me to say I love you to my girlfriend

Right to the point We have been dating for over a month now And to be honest, I feel like I'm falling in love with her That being said, the idea of saying I love you to someone Scares me because I feel like it takes the relationship to a whole new level And I don't know if I'm ready for that level of emotional commitment She has never said I love you to me But she has started to call me love

She'll say things like good night, love So it seems like she's setting me up perfectly To confess my love for her Also, I feel like in every way She's the quote-unquote man of the relationship She was the one who asked me out She pays for herself on dates She made the move that led to our first kiss

Plus, she's six foot three and way more athletic than I am Oh, shit Awesome She even told me that she used to get in fights in high school I've never been in a fight in my life I'm softer than a sponge cake Do I need to man up and tell her that I love her? Please help

Thanks, love, Owen Whoa, this guy has actually seemed like he's in a lot of help He's confused for sure Yeah, he's, uh, I think I like imagining him sort of like Thumbelina Oh, it's a really, really tiny Two inches Yeah

First of all, she's so tall My question is, is like, how old is he, though? Uh, because Oh, there we go The next email says just some background information about me Nice I am a 19-year-old and a college student This is my first girlfriend

She lives about an hour away So our conversations are over text or Snapchat But we see each other person about once a week Okay, I would not say I love you yet Yeah They've been dating a month They see each other once a week We've seen her four times

We've seen her only four times Definitely don't say I love you Because you don't Because you definitely don't And also, you're 19, so nothing matters yet That's how you talk to your son Holy shit, what just happened? Oh, no, oh, no

Something crashed Yeah, you can't, it's just, it's hard to, your life Yeah, I mean You're three, nothing matters yet Nothing matters yet, just, you know So, would you say a month is too early for even somebody older than 19? I would say if like you're in your 30s And you've been sort of like dating and you're trying

And you know exactly what you want Then maybe a month you might be like Oh, I think I'm like falling I'm falling for you I think I'm falling in love with this person I don't think every month you go I love you I mean, Owen needs to fucking get his shit together

Because I don't think he is in love with this person I think she's maybe intimidating him Because she's seven feet tall She's done like everything first So he's trying to beat her to just one thing Which is not a bad idea Yeah, yeah Do you remember saying I love you for the first time to your wife?

Um, I think so But it wasn't like, it wasn't so, it wasn't like as memorable as proposing that you remember every detail I think she said she knew what time when she was sleeping Oh, a sleep love She said it to you while she was asleep? Well, she was asleep She thought I was sleeping That's so cute

It's pretty cute, right? So, do you remember how into the relationship was? Would you like, I got you Uh, no, I just was like, oh shit You know, I guess it was Really pretended to be asleep? I pretended to be asleep Yeah

Really fake snoring Yeah I wonder what percentage it is that girls say at first versus guys You think it's mostly guys or mostly girls I think it's probably, you know, I have no idea It's a hard one Probably guys Because girls are like maybe more willing to talk about their feelings

Yeah So like, dudes at this age are like, you know, whatever Like, I don't know Well, I think girls are more willing to talk about their feelings But I also feel like guys, girls are also, I guess when a girl is like very aware of like how men are I feel like she's not gonna say I love you Because she knows that will be, that could scare them off Right

Which means they got him Like he said, it takes it to a new level Yeah, it does take it to a new level Does it? Do you guys agree with that? Not when you're 19 though, because oh, and your life doesn't matter It's just so very clear about Owen's life I mean, at 19 you weren't even the college comedy student of the year No

You're a year out from that You're away Do you recommend waiting until it's like a more real relationship? If I was gonna be like real serious with him I would say, Owen, you're basically in a long-distance relationship And you're in college and that's my biggest mistake in my life Because I had a lot of long-distance relationships So I would not only sit, I would say not only not in love with her

I would break up with her The full 180 The full 180, you agree with me? Your relationships are the worst I do, I advise anybody in college in a long-distance relationship to break up I'm so mad, I didn't have an older brother who didn't just say Hey, don't date your high school girlfriend for a year in college And then don't meet another girl and date her while you're in Boston, she's in Philadelphia

And then when you break up, don't start dating someone in Canada How did you do that? I'm a fucking idiot It's your touring, dude I mean, yeah, I would go so far as to say don't even have a girlfriend until you're like 26 Oh, wow I was more of a relationship person though, I was more like Owen Yeah, sounds like it, if you had a girl in Boston

I was too, but I looked back on my life and I had Canada I think I was having more fun when I was single than when I was in relationships Well, yeah, but you were just always, yeah, but that's who you are though Some people would say the opposite, they have more fun in relationships That's true That's crazy They have more sex in relationships That's crazy

But it's definitely a large part of the population I mean, I've been fucking all day, guys Hell yeah, dude Awesome You know what I'm talking about How long have you been married? I've been married six years, although my special, I said seven I was wrong

Rachel was there and she was like, and I did two shows And she didn't correct me Oh, really? And she was like, I don't know why he keeps saying seven years of marriage for six years And I was like, oh, fuck Not that anyone cares about that Seven sounds pretty good though Seven sounds more legit

Six and seven are so interchangeable in terms of relationships Exactly Plus we've known her longer than that We've been together for a very long time Yeah Anything we haven't said about the topic of saying I love you? Yeah, no, don't say it, break up, I'm with Dan All right, there you have it

All right, here's a less relationship you question Different guy's name Oh, Theodore Theodore Right I'm in a quandary that could soil my reputation forever I've had my Twitter for five years now And I've never come up with a good bio

Wait, sorry, start this over because that's insane I'm in a quandary that could soil my reputation forever I've had Twitter for five years and I've never come up with a good bio I have a filler right now until I can come up with something great I'm thinking something witty, memorable, shows off my personality I don't want to do the classic bio that lists a series of descriptions about me I want something different You two seem like you have a creative mind to help me out

So here's my question How do you guys create your Twitter bios? Do you go for something funny or straightforward? Also, if you have the chance on the podcast Could you look at mine and give me advice on how it could be changed Ooh, is this a suicide note? A suicide tweet Without outing who he is, I looked up his Twitter bio

Okay Danger enthusiast Uh-oh Biting off mine a little bit So, Dandy, know your Twitter bios? My Twitter bio, I think I can tell you what it is right now Yeah, it is

CISO comedy special, Dan Levy, Colin Lyon, November 17th, number one king on Snapchat That's true That's true That's what my Twitter bio is Number one king Number one king I'm the number one king But that is a fact

Don't Google it Jake's is Wait, I just want to say that this guy I think took his Twitter bio from my Instagram bio Which is just enthusiast Oh, that's a good one Oh, that's a good one, though Yeah, it's a nice Instagram bio

But my Twitter bio, I don't know Your Twitter bio is I am a comedy writer Who loves Annie's macaroni and cheese Accurate Pretty good My friend, Annie She loves writing people's Twitter bios So we can maybe hook this guy with

Oh, really? Oh, shit She told me that my Twitter bio should be goofball with an edge I love that She's a Twitter bio expert Goofball with an edge Theodore could take that That's pretty good

Yeah, you could take that for you So what does that mean? That means silly but It means you're silly, but like, hey I'm also serious Like, yo, I'm the number one king of Snapchat Exactly Go on my Snapchat

I mean, I could definitely You're wacky, but you're cool You have a bomber jacket on That's hip Should I fucking delete my entire thing? I was waiting to do it But I, you know, gotta promote the special Yeah, no, you should

I mean, wait, what's your Twitter bio? Mine is ChillDude Which I think it was when we made the Twitter account For the video we made in like 2007 I think the funniest thing about your Twitter page Is just that the top is a giant cookie Yeah, my... What is this called?

Headline photo? Yeah It's just a hi-res image of a chocolate chip cookie I love chocolate chip cookies It's a good thing, people Who doesn't like chocolate chip cookies? Do you have a pinned tweet? I do have a pinned tweet

Do you have a pinned tweet? Yeah, I do Yeah, do you have a pinned tweet? Me? No Yeah, there's a lot of ways I mean, I haven't tweeted in a while I got trashed during the election And that was the first tweet that I tweeted

That wasn't like a promotional one Hey guys, it honestly helps if you get drunk Was Jake's election night tweet I really was very drunk when I tweeted You were so drunk you tweeted I didn't know what else to fucking do So can we think... Can we think three comedy writers?

Can we think of a goofball with an edge for this guy? Okay, so what does he do? What does he do? What's his brand? What's his brand? God Come on Let me look up his page

I think he's a coal worker in West Virginia Awesome No, I don't think so He's from South Carolina He seems to be kind of cool His picture is like a black and white Oh, he looks like a cool guy Yeah, sort of a cool guy with a beard

Oh, that's a solid bio That's it Cool guy with a beard Cool guy with a beard That is it Cold guy with a beard Oh, COL No, cool guy with a beard is pretty good

Cool guy with a beard Cool guy with a beard? Yeah, or just don't judge my beard Oh, what about coolest guy with a beard? Or judge me by my beard Judge me by my beard Judge me by my beard is great I like Judge me by my beard

I love that Coolest guy with a beard too is good Yeah, that's sort of I like calling yourself the best Like how yours is number one king of Snapchat Yeah, how about best beard Best beard in Hollywood Even though he hasn't lived in LA

Oh, that's good Voted best beard by Yeah, voted best beard by beard monthly Oh, that's pretty good Want to see his beard? Can I see how good it is? It's not that good, actually I mean, it is a good beard

But it's not like a beard beard How about number one beard in northeast? Exactly You can't throw people off That's edgy Alright, hopefully we gave him something Let's take a break And come back with more

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Advice question Since we only have you for so long Another guy's name Uhhhhhhh He's hoarse He's shitting it out He's shitting it out Hoarse, hoarse, hoarse writes

Should I be up front with my I don't know what I want intentions Or should I just be in the moment Thanks for the help Insert fake name here Which is hoarse Hoarse Yeah, so this guy's basically asking

He's out of a relationship He's going out on these dates Does he have to like Clarify right off the bat Hey, I don't want to be Anybody's boyfriend Or does that just come up organically Hmm

Hmm This sounds like an Amir Blumenfeld problem Yeah It feels like I don't know I feel like When do you bring it up basically It's hard because it's such a

You're going to be an asshole Either way I feel like if it's I mean I never did that So I just don't know I feel like You went straight from relationship to marriage Pretty much

Yeah I almost feel like And I feel like maybe you could Answer this better than I can But it's like I almost feel like in those If you're the If you're only looking to hook up And quote smash

Yeah Then it seems like you should just be doing Like the Quick like I don't know Tender bumble things And don't keep on hooking up with the same person Because I feel like

Once you're Once you're hooking up with the person More than once Yeah Once you start going down the line And then you say You know what I'm really only looking for something casual

Well what we've been doing for Months and weeks isn't casual We've been dating I have a friend who's always Was always like Oh yeah, I'm dating this girl And now she's like I'm dating these moms

That were hooking up It's like Well yeah because you're really good catch And then And then once you're like Oh I want to be serious Like wait but like We've been together

Every night Because guys are so terrible That's what they do They're like I don't get it It's like I mean what She meets my parents

And now like I have to be her boyfriend Yes Exactly That is a That is a dilemma I faced before Or it's like Oh I like hanging out with you But I don't want to

Be in a relationship with you But I still want to Keep hanging out with you But if you are Hanging out all the time You're in a relationship With that person Right

But not if I guess then At a certain point You have to cut it off before like There's like milestones So let's say I was hanging out With someone for a couple months And then their parents

Come into town And I'm like Oh that seems like a big deal Like I don't necessarily Want to meet the parents Maybe I should have this conversation But have you seen the Ben Stiller movie

You know Meet the parents I have not So what I've been doing Is I've been Cutting things off way too soon I'd rather cut it off too early Than too late

But then you don't know If you're with someone Who you could be falling in love with Exactly That's the rub So I'm cutting off Maybe mediocre potential Good but not greats

And I don't know what they're Capable of developing into Because I fear Getting too far down The relationships that I don't necessarily Want to be 100% invested in Well you want to be alone

In your house in Silver Lake forever That's the goal I mean obviously That's a dream But I don't know if I can Make it a reality I don't know In my brain it's like

I will find someone That I do want to meet their parents That doesn't freak me out with And then that's the one Have you ever had any of the people That you've been with for many years Ever Like had you ever known that

Right away I guess the ones that Lasted several years I was excited to take these Next steps with But I was also like 22 25 and 28 So like

I was younger then So I just like I felt like this is This is part of the plan Sometimes I worry about you I don't think you're going to Give anybody a shot Yeah I have

In my brain it's like It has to be great And I know I don't know if you think The same thing about him Because I don't know Your personal life Really

I know everything I feel like what happens Is as you get older And you know You're more successful And stuff And like You start to have these

Things that you expect The girl to have And I feel like these girls Who these guys Are sort of like Creating like weird Science thing They become possible

Oh like I want a girl Who's great here And also great here Yeah cause now You're getting older And you're like Experience different things

And you're like Oh I like this person But not this person But like When I was 25 All I cared about was this But then I really like the term

Weird science But it's so true You really are trying And I have friends who do this Like you're trying to weird Science as a perfect girl But the truth is Like the perfect girl

Happens when you're together And you guys like Become weird science to them Yeah you can't just like Right cause you're You're not the kind of guy That could be weird Science into existence either

But I'm a very specific person So like if you're looking for that Yeah Yeah Yeah I'm looking for a beautiful I'm looking for a beautiful I want her body

With her religion Super Business savvy girlfriend Who likes a guy Who's kind of annoying This is my personal at This is my Tinder bio And fuck it my Twitter bio too

Twitter bio How's that goofy with an edge Yeah so this guy's specific question Is should I be up front Or not mention it A lot of it is also like How you date someone Like is it like

Hey midnight come on down And meet me and my buddies at a bar Or is it like Hey 7pm on a Tuesday I want to take you out to dinner The expectations there Are probably different So I feel like

If you're taking someone out to dinner Or like Hanging out with them at a museum During the day Those feel like Legit family Not family But relationship steps

Right But if you're just like texting her At 12.43 Hey are you up Then it's like The unspoken rule of This is probably not a serious thing Is conveyed

Without him having to say it Yeah I think That you're better to ask this question I will take up Ass Cause I will tell him That I think that he should Not be up front

And just date these girls And see if they're actually like Cool And then just date them For real and get married And have two kids And live with them I do that a couple times

I do that a couple times Like I don't think you have to Say anything up front As long as you're honest Sort of throughout Like nobody's It's not a rule that you have to State your expectations

In the beginning But like as they come up Then it's good It's the pure heart rule That I talk about I also I benefited always from like Having a despicable Reputation

So nobody ever like Thought that I was trying to date them What about girls on Tinder That don't necessarily know Your reputation Like How do you Do you say your reputation out loud

Do you hope that they just know it I've subconsciously I don't think I've ever had a problem With people Figuring out my reputation In the very early stages Of like a Tinder date Also Tinder is like

That's way more casual I think if you're Matching and going out with somebody On Tinder Then you don't have to like Your bio on Tinder doesn't have to be like I'm looking for something casual That's what everybody's doing

It is kind of weird Like the idea of casual Like I'm going on dates with someone Like is that casual Or is that normal It's still the same amount of dates There are still dates

I'm still hanging out with someone What does it mean that like What's casual about them I think casual is just Like a nice way of saying Like hey I just want to hook up with you Yeah exactly It's basically saying

I don't want to be in a relationship What I like Tinder for Is the amount of people That I can fuck Yeah Tinder seems There are plenty of girls That like Tinder for that too Tinder is just like

Uber for fucking right It used to be but I think Now it's used as a dating app So like people It's not It's not a foreground conclusion It's everything I thought bumble was a thing

To actually meet people Yeah I think I mean I think they're all Sort of for trying to meet people And sort of for trying to fuck people And everybody's using them For their own purposes

So and it's pretty easy to deduce Like The kind of Date it's going to be Yeah and it's also I guess I agree with what you're saying Like if somebody says Let's go take a walk in the park

I would probably be like This isn't There's also girls that seem very sweet That I feel like Those are the ones that I like Want to like be up front with Because they don't look like Party girls that are down to

Hangout casual This is the thing I don't understand Is that really all you want though Well not necessarily Party girl? No no I'm just saying You do mostly want a party girl Right now I do mostly want a party girl

Really? But at the same time if I met But hasn't it been right now For the last three years? Yeah But I haven't met anyone Where I'm like Oh I'd be down to be in a relationship

Like Party girl But isn't that because you're Is it girls who like Do coke off your day or something Like what are you talking about It's someone that Wants to casually hook up Without necessarily like

Meeting my family Oh okay But your family's so close I know that's the hard part They're always in town You can run them to Pierre Jo's Like fuck get out of here I'm in the pretzel aisle

Yeah I don't think I've met anyone Where I'm like The ladies that I've cut off too early I don't think I I don't ever regret being like Shit what if she's like The one that like I could be engaged to right now

But you also Don't meet with the girls That you think are sweet Because you think that You No I wouldn't say I cut off sweet girls Before I meet them

I meet everybody And some are sweet And some are more like But you don't follow through On the sweet girls Sometimes I do The lady that I hung out with The last several month period

Was a sweet lady She wasn't like A crazy party drunk lady Social security number please Yeah Wow But it is a It's a weird grey area

Where you want to Date someone Like I don't want to like Not go out on dates But at the same time Like this person doesn't Want to be in a relationship

But dates invariably Lead to relationships So like When do you cut it off When do you state the case So I guess my general advice is that too Don't lead them on In terms of like

How you're meeting them Okay A lot of late night A lot of inebriated meetings Rather than like Sober afternoon movies Like let's get a coffee And go to the movies

And then swing by You see now and Say yeah Say hi to doctor I think yeah That you should save for When you're ready to be in a relationship Yeah

Is my advice Yay, nay Thoughts? Pros? Cons? Yeah I guess I would Probably abstain from inviting people

To like sober-ish dates But I think you could do Something in between like Midnight meet up with me And my friends And let's go sit in the park Drinks Yeah, I'm just so like

I can't I'm so far away from that I don't even know Are you jealous Of people in that relationship Or are you like so happy You don't have to deal with this shit? No, I'm just

Like It seems too exhausted Too exhausting for me But only because I'm already exhausted But these are problems That don't matter And this is like what Single people have the most fun doing

It's not actual anxiety I don't think I think this is like The most fun thing you Like we're thinking about The different people This guy gets to fuck That's like

That's the single person's joy That's the exciting part You have like actual problems Like raising children Like if your son Has an ear infection That's the Like oh no

Yeah My son has to know about Donald Trump as president When he's like Elementary school You have to like get that shit right Like if this guy fucks up Then he like sort of has

One person that's mad at him And then he gets to Adjust moving on You fuck up with your son And he's there every night Yeah If you take your son To the movies

And he thinks it's casual But like you're down to see Other three year old boys Like that's gonna get weird Very soon They can't weird science a new son Can I get a son? I'm gonna go on Tinder

And be like Ah what other kids Are in Los Feliz right now I kinda want someone who's A little more athletic Alright Dan Yes Tell us about your schedule

Special before we leave Oh well It comes out On Thursday In a couple days Holy shit So this is Monday November 14th

Your special comes out November 17th Thursday November 17th Yeah It streams on CISO Hell yeah Which is you know the new NBC streaming comedy platform

Of course Of course you guys know We did CISO ads Oh awesome Yeah before Yeah no it's awesome They've been in CISO's great And I just feel that

Special's gonna be good Is it Was it your first special second? It's my first hour special I did like the commutantial half hour I did a commutantial hour album But this is my first like Hour special in a theater

I filmed it in Seattle Damn And when you're a stand up That's the holy grail That's the end point right Is this hour special right Yeah I have no more jokes But yeah it was good

I mean I did you know I really because of like Writing for the sitcom and stuff I haven't really been like Touring in years So like last year I kind of like got my shit together And you know went on tour

And you know went to all these Different cities And got the hour ready And then filmed it and It was six months ago I can't believe it's already coming out But I'm proud of it I think it's good talking about

You know everything you need To know about me Hell yeah My wife, my kids Seven year marriage HGTV Yeah My seven year marriage

And yeah my love for real estate The big five The big five And again that special is called Dan Levy Lyon Dan Levy Lyon What's your favorite HGTV television show Property Brothers

Property Brothers Yeah I love those guys What's your favorite What's your favorite What's your favorite You like Chip and Joanna I like Chip and Joanna The problem is and I talk about this

And the special is The problem with all these shows Is that living in California It's very frustrating Because everything's so cheap Oh right When Chip and Joanna fix up Like a house in Waco

That costs $90,000 I mean literally a house in Waco Is as much money as you guys pay For the rent at the head office So it's like every episode Is like we're looking for A six bedroom house Six bathrooms

Seven acre And their rental budget Is like double what they pay For the house It's literally it's like And our budget $2,000 Well if you do that I might as well live in

Fucking Waco No But I don't want to do that either I don't want to eat either But no I do love I like Chip and Joanna I love the prod bros though Because I like the structure

Of that show I love seeing the computer images Of what they're going to do I love those guys I like those guys are great They're great That show is funny to me Because like don't they

They give the family a tour Of a house that's perfect for them And then they tell them the price And the families Like a whole man Yeah it's almost like a prank show We love it we want it Ha ha you can't get it you're poor

Let me show you this show Let me show you this house But then the reality is They take a house And they fucking make it awesome Yeah that's cool I actually ran to a couple That I recognized

Who were on house hunters And took a picture with them They're so funny Celebrity couple spotted I know I was like wait a minute Can I Are you on houses Like I take a picture

They're like okay It's so weird Why did you choose house number two Yeah what's wrong with you guys I heard those shows are like So fake that like They literally move couples out Of their own home

Show them three houses And then move them back Into the house that they already Showed them Oh I'm sure Cause also the show The HGTV is like so fucking popular Now that like they can't keep up the content

You guys know where to make content Imagine they're like Fuck it just go into this house Tell them we're gonna reno it And we'll put up posters Next house It took me like four months I mean it took me a year and a half

To find a house I know And then once I found the house It was like five or six months of Have you seen miniature house hunters Where it's like house hunters But for like tiny homes I think tiny houses

Oh god This is perfect for me It's like a bedroom and a cot That impresses me so much 180 square feet They're like Do you want to kill yourself in this one This one

Or this one This is my reading chair And also a compost toilet Wipe out Alright Dog fuck off Dan thanks for coming by Thank you guys for having me

I love it Hell yeah dude DanLevyLion On CISO Thursday November 17th What's your Twitter handle At DanLevy Oh easy

Come on And Snapchat Number one king on Snapchat guys What's your snap DanLevySnappy DanLevySnappy DanLevySnappy Wait

Didn't your Twitter used to be DanLevyShow Yeah You got DanLevy You got DanLevy Hell yeah dude Upgrade I know

If you have your own questions Or your own theme songs Submissions like GrandmasterCate Send it all to IfIruShowatGmail.com Remember this sublime opening We heard the first half at the top

And here's the second half Thanks to GrandmasterCate We'll be back this week On No, next Monday We'll see you next Monday Sorry Bye everybody

Mondays and Thursdays Is when it comes out It's something I'm excited about And I see the cheese See the cheese See the cheese The cheese with Amish And the pinch

Oh yeah Then shorts and timeless Middle dish What do you got to say? Jake And I really want to hear From you Amir

Cause it's advice that I need Whoa If I were you Show That was a hate gun podcast.