If I Were You - 246: Hot Bully

Episode Date: November 21, 2016

In this episode we discuss the truth behind jokes and our new HeadGum store!This episode is brought to you by Seeso and Indochino!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

Happy Monday November 21st pre Thanksgiving special if I were you we got a lot to be thankful for frankly I'm thankful for you and this podcast buddy thank you very much I do thank you which means you are thankful to me okay so it seems like you just said that to for me to say thank you to you I appreciate your gratitude and I think the best thing I can give you is to not say thank you to you you already did I'll thank you I said I'll thank our listeners for tuning in every week we really do appreciate it because without you guys there is no show yep play it back I'm your said thank you to me right after I

said that I was appreciative of him I'm thankful for you you said thank you cool that means you're thankful do you think you are more important than the fans I think I'm more important than anything and since the Spirit is giving and thanks we thought we can start this episode off not by promoting a specific sponsor but by talking about certain companies sorry nonprofit organizations that seem to need our help now more than ever yes yes yes a big thing that we're seeing online now is people in the wake of the election donating to companies that seem to need it now a lot of folks don't know what to do after the election

you guys might have been as depressed as we were and now we're sort of looking to what what are the little things we can do how can we take action in a positive way in a real way that can make us feel slightly better about our potential in pending doom money honey yeah money talks vote for your cash honey support things with your wallet not just your Facebook posts motherfuckers so I'm suggesting Planned Fairhood and the ACLU you can donate not only as a one-time donation but you can set up small recurring monthly donations that'll keep them going for the next at least four years and we'll feel like not that big

of a burden because you're only giving you know five twenty fifty eighty three thousand dollars a month that's all three thousand dollars a month but I did this I set up some recurring payments they turns out they really do need money so they make it pretty easy for you to set up these recurring payments I did a couple but two the ones that I really liked were the natural resources defense council so if you're concerned about global warming and you don't like the fact that the president called it a hoax you can actually help the NRDC by sub by making monthly donations also the NAACP legal defense fund is going to

help support minorities civil rights in our country with a president who has sort of a racist history so they need some help too yeah and if you do donate maybe tweet it at us we'll retweet we'll get the air of giving sort of circulating percolating moving around spreading the joys spreading the happiness rebuilding doing everything we can to help one relatively small step at a time but every little bit helps of course that's right and in lieu of donations we're just gonna keep podcasting and we're gonna ask you for money oh and we want cash from you as well

my god why don't we get straight into this episode we had fun as always as always let's get into it give you well whether it's tender or a problem with an ex girlfriendischen while you're having inc exceeds that are we in some trouble If you think that you need someone that's worth talking to And you don't mind that they'll end up just mocking you

If this sounds like something that you need and you don't want to do Send her your questions too if I were you to show at gmail.com You ruined it. Sorry. You retroactively made it a bad song. How? See? See?

That guy's name was Shree, Tana. He's 22 year old in Seattle. Doesn't have a music site to advertise. He's just in it for the love of the game. Hell yeah. He just wants to shout out. Honestly, it's such a thrill for Shree for me to say his name. For Shree to hear me say Shree means he's a hero for a split second.

Shree. And I'll keep giving it to him because I know how much he or Shree appreciates it. Whereas I don't care at all. You're like a guy with a really tiny dick fucking something like Oh I know you like it when I do that. Shree. Thanks Shree. Thanks man.

We appreciate it. What? Barely laughed at that really good joke. This is if I were you show. No this is if I were you. Show is just what it is. Of course. This is if I were you the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by me.

I'm Shree. And I'm Shree too. So today we're both sort of Shree of ourselves. We're at least trolling Shree. Who and he and Shree is Shree? No I'm a man. Shree and Shree and Shree make Shree. What?

What is that? Shree and Shree and Shree makes three but I instead of three I said Shree. Oh I see. What is that original quote or did you make it up? Like blank and blank and blank and blank and three. You and you and you and me makes three. Oh what's that? I've heard it before.

You and you and Shree makes Shree. Yeah something I don't know. It's a thing. That's awesome dude. Thanks dude. If you haven't watched him yet we're making weekly shows on Head Gum. The series that we've sort of only made so far is Jeffrey the dumbass. But who knows what the future holds.

Little known fact Jeffrey writes and edits those videos. So how dumb ass can he be? Because that is moderately capable. Yeah I took an IQ test or I wanted to administer one with him but I fucked it up the moderating it like I gave him a kids menu instead. Excuse you. He's still got a 140 which is fine. It's passable.

Have you ever taken an IQ test? I don't think I've I don't know if I've taken like a real one. I've definitely taken IQ test online. Yeah. Like are those real? That's the first question. And if you said yes then you fail. How do you actually learn your IQ?

Yeah I did it on a fucking banner ad and I did pretty fricking well. We made a Jake and Amir about that where you take an IQ test. From a banner ad. And we got a really good score but like really you're a dumbass because you paid the $50 for the certificate. Certificate of genius Yabish. We should just reshoot old Jake and Amir videos. Not a bad idea.

Wait is it legal? No. Okay that's fine. It's not a legal idea either. Why don't we reshoot other people's videos then? Oh we could just reshoot like a few good men. That's right. A table read of sorts.

And that's what this podcast is. Jake and I read old time Hollywood movie scripts from the early 90s. Old timey. Yeah. Old timey. I'll be Colonel Jessup the curmudgeonly old captain that ordered the ooh or diddy the code red. And I'll be ooh Lieutenant Weinberg the sniveling Jew. And I Daniel Caffee the rogue ne'er-do-well attorney assigned to the case.

Kind of hesitant at first but finds himself in the role. Trying to make up for I don't know a misconnection with his dead father. And I'll be a young demi-more. Not the character. Joe. Joe. Joe get in the car. Joe.

I want to put Jessup on the stand. And that's how it'll go. This I think is episode 246 of our podcast. It's not bad. Crazy 246 each better than the last. What pressure. What pressure. Oh.

Now we'll talk about shit later. Let's just get into it now. We have emails the way it works is people will email us. They're in sticky situations confused scared betrayed almost that they don't know how anybody else in the world to go to frightened alone. I'm the best. Unfortunately for you guys Jake and I are experts at everything and so we are at the very least we're not experts at everything equally.

I'm the best there is at nothing. Yeah. And I'm the worst at everything. Which one would you rather be? Let's talk about it during the break. These are real questions from real people. We're going to we usually choose three or four of our favorites this week was kind of a mad dash.

We're moving. We're scrambling. It's before Thanksgiving. Yeah. Jake has been preparing a casserole for what feels like weeks. How's the casserole by the way? After weeks I dropped the casserole. I must start anew.

So sometimes you bake stuff on 350 for like two hours. Jake has been baking it for 350 hours at two degrees. Insane. Which is so cold. Yeah. And I had the casserole to start it. I needed I got chickens to make the eggs. But I had to go to Home Depot and build a chicken coop.

So there's an egg casserole. I do everything meticulously. It's a noodle casserole. But you can't make noodles without a couple eggs. Oh egg noodle. Egg noodle. Casserole. Oh yeah.

You were proud of it but you ruined it. I dropped it. And it was frozen. Oh very. It shattered. 350 hours on two degrees. It's called sous ving. So what we need right now we're going to play.

We're going to be playing some sort of game today. Oh. I have been summoned. The game boys. Hello. I just had to say the word game. I didn't know how to say it. Oh.

So every time I say it you get sort of coming of sorts. Say what? I'm just saying whenever I say the word game. Oh. I don't understand. You don't get it. It's so obvious that whenever I say a specific word. I don't want to say it now because you are so close to coming.

Of course. Always. Whenever I say the word G.A. G.A. M. M.E. Game. So you can say it.

Oh. I black out. You can tickle yourself evidently. Game. Oh. Game. Oh. I am the game boy.

Oh. Game boy is a character of sorts that arrives, explains the rules of a game and then plays the game. It's a very poorly thought out mascot of sorts. How dare you. I'm not meticulously playing out. Not like the casserole. Not like the casserole.

It is very casserole ask. Casserolean. And the way it works is that the game boy sometimes I or does it is it still. I missed it. Searches. We do a search in our email or Google inbox for a word and we just choose a question at random. If there's only one email in the box, the game boy wins the game.

Do you have a word to search our email box? Let's do casserole. Oh, that's pretty good. Thanks. Casserole. Zero. How? Not zero.

All right. But I don't know if it's a question we've answered before. Really? Yeah. Oh, you know what? This guy did, which I don't want to, I don't want to give him daps. He just copied and pasted the dictionary at the end of his email. Yeah.

So that's cheating. So there's no real casserole email. You can just delete that. Delete that email forever. Oh, that's a good idea. That's a nice way. It's a nice punishment. Yeah.

And he doesn't know who he is. Yeah. But everybody listening, it's like, I did that. It was Shree, actually. It was attached to that theme song. Oh, thanks for the theme song, dude. Megaphone. Wow.

You're getting obscure. I like it. You have to. There's, yeah. There's two, but only one is a question. Oh, I won the game. That's really good. Thank you.

Megaphone writes, so I have this friend who is a disgusting eater. Seriously, every time he picks up food, he looks like Denethor 2 from Return of the King in the scene where chunks of meat and miscellaneous juices run down his beard and every bite sounds like a cow eating into a megaphone. Last time someone told him he was a gross eater, he broke down and cried, and I had to console him for three hours before he would cheer up. I feel like he needs to fix this if he's ever going to keep up a girl, but I don't know how to tell him.

How should I break the news to him? This is kind of a question we answered recently. Yeah, it seems like some people are just, like, sensitive to it. Yeah. This and my co-worker stinks. How do I tell him? It basically comes under the umbrella of how do I break bad news? Yeah.

Am I the bearer of bad news? Yeah. Do you usually do that? I usually just err on the side of dealing with things, and I don't bring it up. Non-confrontational. No, me, I would never, ever bring up the fact. No, if anything, I would, like, eventually wait until I was close enough to make a joke about it.

Oh. That'd be the most. Well, I guess that's how we deal with any conflict is, like, we make a joke. Yeah. So, like, if you, let's say, parked where I park, I wouldn't be like, hey, this isn't okay. You have to move your car. I'd be like, oh, so are we switching parking spots now?

Is that how it works? Are you parking my spot or are I parking yours? Yeah. So I say what I think in a matter that's obviously joking, but actually not. Yeah. Sort of trapping people because they can't, like, oh, what, like, don't be an asshole. Like, I'm not. I was kidding.

I was doing a bit where I was telling you exactly how I felt. Yeah. I've thrown it back at you. It's kind of a jokester's paradox because nobody likes it, and we're supposed to use it. And nothing ever gets solved either. We're supposed to use our sense of humor to better the world, but in fact, we're just adding more negativity to it, making people feel bad, sort of trolling people that don't

necessarily deserve it. Nice. I love that guy. So, if the show is called If I Were You, what would you do in the situation? I think we would make a passive-aggressive, not a passive-aggressive. called, when you're obviously serious, but you're joking. When you make a joke, but it's something about serious. Is it passive-aggressive?

No. I mean, well, I guess like it is passive-aggressive to do. Yeah, it's jokey-aggressive. I don't know what you would call like the joke itself. Yeah. Like make fun of him a little bit. Maybe we can coin a term. It feels also like this guy already got told

he was a bad eater and he cried for three hours. Like he didn't want to just change it after that? Yeah, you would think. So this is what you do. You make fun of him for that. For crying for three hours. So you're kind of a loser for that. And then the food thing is secondary.

What did you say during the console thing? Like, oh, no, you're a great eater. You're meticulous. You're meticulous. You're perfection. If anything, you're a bad crier. I wonder what the record is for crying openly. Like when I cry, which is so few and far between,

it's like a quick little thing. Imagine crying for hours. Can you have that much tears in you? At a certain point, you just tucker yourself out. Yeah. But I don't, like, crying is so therapeutic if you can get yourself to do it. Yeah.

For you, crying is like pulling the trigger on emotions. Dude, if I like... It's like, oh, I feel sad. I really gotta... I saw you stick your index finger in your tear duct until tears came out of it. Oh, oh, I feel so much better. There have been times where I was so fucking

burnt up inside. I was like, I know I'll feel better if I can cry and I couldn't do it. Oh, that's interesting. Let me just, the tears sort of take the sadness out. They're a vehicle. Yeah, they exhaust you and it feels like it's cathartic. It's nice.

And then you can convince yourself, you're like, I feel bad about this. So is the lowest you've ever been when you felt so low but you still couldn't bring yourself to cry? I think that probably is the lowest I've been in a while. Yeah, it's like, oh God, I can't even fain sadness right now over something that I do feel bad about. Double trouble.

But yeah, how do you, you wanna coin in terms, sorry for making fun of somebody to lightheartedly but to send a message for them to change? Yeah, or not even that specific, but jokes that actually are, you know, like, what is that phrase? Look at that ribbing. You joke about, ribbing is sort of teasing though.

This is a, every joke is the truth, what's that phrase? There's a little bit of truth in every joke. So I want jokes that it's like words, statements, sentences, sentiments that are delivered as a joke but are actually completely serious. Oh, okay. It's kind of like a, whoa, nice mustache dude,

like half sarcasm almost. Yeah, yeah, where you feel like the correct response is to defend your mustache, even though you did say if you wrote it down, nice mustache. Yeah, so in a court stenographer, I can have the court stenographer read that back to you. It was another line in a few good men, but other than that, what you're saying is a great-

Great danger you're saying, is there any other kind? That's a great movie, I should watch that tonight. Sentences that you say in a joking fashion that you're actually serious about. Truthy jokies or something, real jokies. Tweet at us if you have any suggestions. I'm at Jake and Amir. Yeah, you can just tweet at Amir and he'll let me know.

I'll forward him the good ones. All right, let me search a question, or let me search a word. I'll search appetizer. Ooh, nice. Something leading up to the cathedral. Very good. Oh, my cathedral, it's so cold.

This might be a wonder. Whoa. Yeah, because the other ones are, spam from BJ's restaurant. Again, the guy that attached the dictionary. Somebody forwarding me an essay that I wrote, which I guess he found, digging up archives. And then this email, which is a question,

called gluten nonsense. How, there's only one email, is it appetizer? Yeah, amazing. Hey guys, a long time fan and listener, and it seems like I have a problem of my own that I hope you can advise me on. One of my friends has had stomach issues her whole life, bloating and gas.

And it recently occurred to her to try and go gluten free to see if that helps at all. She claims she feels better and when she stays away from gluten, but there have recently been several scientific studies and articles that reveal that unless you have celiac disease, then having a gluten allergy or intolerance is a myth. I have sent her several of these articles

and insisted that she get tested by a doctor, but she seemingly ignores my suggestions. She has become increasingly difficult about this and recently complained on a night out when everyone else tried to order appetizers that she would not be able to eat them. Yeah, appetizers. When we then had to change our order dramatically,

she's also incredibly inconsistent. Had a happy hour a few nights ago and it was just the two of us, she ordered a burger and ate it all with the bun. When I questioned her, she claimed she really just wanted one and was willing to make the sacrifice. A few days later though, at a picnic,

she wind about forgetting a gluten free hamburger bun and was forced to eat her burger plain. She and her husband also brew beer that she now claims that she can't drink and going out with her can be challenging. So it almost seems like it's a social thing for her as if going gluten free is a cool thing to do. She claims that she would not have to be gluten free,

but never listens to what anyone has to say or goes to the doctor. What can I do to make her listen or convince her that her problem is clearly something else? It is really putting a damper on our friendship with the group. I've read this question before. Oh really?

Is it in two answer? It is marked as like decent. This is the same thing. You gotta, I love this question. You gotta do the jokie, fakey, jokie, truthy joke. I don't even think that's the answer here. I think this person cares way too much about what their friend fucking eats.

Oh, you're taking the friend side. I'm just saying, I'm not taking any side. I'm just saying, this doesn't matter at all. Yeah, well it matters to her because it's weighing on her because she goes out and then her friend is in a nasty attitude. Yeah, well, fucking ignore that. The only thing I can sort of see is when the friend is like,

well, we can't order those appetizers because I can't have them. I would be like, well, then you don't have to eat them but we agreed upon these appetizers. Yeah. The person that has the gluten allergy can't dictate the meal for everyone. They have to be, they're excluded.

You live with vegans at home. Oh yeah. How does that work out? They're the fucking work. And I do complain and I do bring it up. And I mean, it was like- Vegans are veggies. My sisters and my mom are a rotating.

Like sometimes they're vegans, sometimes they're vegetarian. Occasionally one person will like break and eat meat for a while and then go back. Yeah. But it's never been a big deal. In my house, because people just keep their dietary, like if they have a dietary preference,

then they like, my sisters will get together and they'll cook vegan and vegetarian food. But nobody's ever said to like my dad and me and my brother like, hey, we can't eat chicken so you guys aren't gonna grill tonight. Right. Like, no, well, we are. It's when you guys can have veggie burgers.

It's split directly men and women in your house. Yeah, that's true. There was a time when my brother was at least a vegetarian and I was also vegetarian for a few years. Years? Or at least, maybe not two, but at least a year. Wow. When I first moved to New York, I was vegetarian.

Oh yeah. What's up with that? My girlfriend at the time was a vegetarian. And there you have it. Blood into me. So you're saying just ignore this friend, whatever. I just think if people have dietary preferences and restrictions, then that's on them to figure out.

And you can't announce to a table of people like, hey, we have to get non-gluten appetizers for everyone because one of us has a gluten allergy. Or maybe she doesn't. I don't know, she won't see a doctor. And did you know you can't have a gluten allergy? That's celiac disease, which is a testable thing that she won't find out if she has.

Yeah, well, maybe she does have it. Also, sometimes I feel like doctors don't know everything about these brand new diseases. This shit, yeah. You hear those NPR podcasts all the time. Yeah, I would also not bring it up because, again, dislike confrontation. Did you clean your shoes?

They look very clean. Yeah, I tossed them in the wash. Oh, really? Damn, look at that. Damn Damian. All right, do you have a word? Yeah, but I'm not really done talking about this gluten thing. Oh, you wanna keep going?

I don't know. What do you think, man? I said, this is something you should probably bring up because it's bothering you, but at the same time, I wouldn't do that because I would just, I dislike confrontation more than I dislike the situation. It is just funny. We can't move on, but it's so funny to me

how much this person clearly cares about it. It's like, they're watching a hawk her every move. Oh yeah. Oh, you eat, watch you eat a burger just now. Yeah. And then like, oh, well, your husband, why are you guys brewing beer? Yeah, you know what's gonna happen?

Stay out of my life. When it boils over, every single insert in her mind of this person eating gluten in the past four years will just burst out. You're like, you know, because I had my birthday party, you had a cupcake, and then two weeks later, you said you couldn't have anything, and then you've been brewing beer.

So how does that work out? Can you imagine this lady just getting, like her sliding off, like sliding across a little document that's like, this is every time you had gluten in the last year. Did your stomach hurt? Yeah. Oh my God, it's so funny.

Yeah, I've been looking also rummaging through your shit, and a lot of it is pretty solid stool, so I know it's that diarrhea. I took the stool sample to a doctor, entered that, you do have CDX, so I apologize for giving this journal. But you're welcome. It's like when Trump said, you know,

Hillary started the birthday movement, and I finished it, so you're welcome. God damn it. Yeah, sorry, President Trump. President-elect. Barack Obama's still my president. Woo-hoo! That's funny, not my president,

and then dot, dot, dot, until January 20th. USA, US of A. Dear me, dear me. Do you have a word? Fuck. None. Wow. Or do you want to do the latest one with fuck?

Oh, that's a good idea. It's which was sent two and a half hours ago. Amazing. All right. It's a lady's name. I don't think we've given any fake names yet. I've just been using the word. Oh.

But I feel that calling this lady fuck. Fu-fu-futia. Fu-futia. That's a good word for the next round. Long time fan. First time being in a fantastically disastrous garbage fire. Yay!

Let's get down to brass tacks. My boyfriend of two years and I are in the process of breaking up. It's mad complicated. He's German and I'm American, and we were planning to go to California where I'm from for Christmas and New Year's. We live in Germany.

We've already gotten the tickets and planned things, and he's never been to the US, So this was gonna be a big amazing holiday together. Basically, my dilemma is which of these three things to do? One, ask him not to come, which would suck because of the money, et cetera. Two, he comes, but we are friends, which would be super fucking awkward.

Three, he comes and we break up when he leaves to go back to Germany. I was already staying in the US for an internship. Well, as you blokes can tell, I'm in a major come apart and need your guidance. I guess I'm not quite sure what to do, so any help you could provide would be greatly appreciated. Literally anything you can offer

would be magically delightful right about now. Much love and thanks. Fuchsia. Fuchsia, I like the way that email was written. Yeah, they gave us options. A come apart, we've heard that word before on here, right? Didn't we talk about it once? Yeah, Middlesex really liked it.

Yeah, come apart, I love it. All right, option, I choose option A. Clearly, obviously, it's very easy. Easy for you to say. Yes. You've been in a situation before, you know how hard it is, because when you're breaking up with someone,

emotions are at an all-time high. That's why they say breaking up is... What's that word? Easy to overcome, I believe. Not that big of a deal? Yeah, breaking up is fine. To do. They say that breaking up is fine.

To do. Remember when... It's gonna be worse to come with him to the States. Yeah, this is one of those things where it's easy in the short term to say, fine, you should come with me, it'll be fine. And then it'll ruin a trip. It'll ruin a trip.

You'll have this triple. When he's here, it will be all. It will be easy for the next few weeks because you will have made the easy decision and you don't have to deal with the consequences yet. But when you're dealing with the consequences, it will suck. So think about, even though I never do anything like this,

think about the holiday and your trip and you would much rather be here without your ex-boyfriend. Yeah. Or without some German kid posturing like he is your boyfriend for a few more weeks. Think about that part, not the hard conversation part. That part, that part, that part, that part, that part. Yeah, it's a lot of another common theme is this is hard.

So I'm just gonna make it slightly worse for a longer time. Kinda like my ankle, not walking on it would fix it. But I don't wanna do that for a month. So instead I'll just be in pain forever. Yeah, isn't that weird? I should just suck it up, fix it, condense the slight pain of two years into much inconvenience for four weeks.

You know what's annoying though? I did that when I hurt my foot. I was on crutches for six weeks during England and Iceland seemingly sucking it up. And then I went off the crutches and it's still hurt. And now it still hurts three years later, so. You know, it'd be a good superpower or something in the future is transferring pain.

Mm, have you ever thought of that idea? Yeah, I remember. Let me show you how much this ankle hurts and then I send it to you. And then you wouldn't accept, then you don't accept it back. Yeah, and then you're like, all right, that does suck. Let me, well, I gotta go to lunch. Where are you going?

You're springing away. See if you can catch me. Sucker. I think my brother asked me one time, it was like after my heel had been hurting for over two years. It's like, if you could, would you give me just half the pain so it would be slightly easier? It's almost like he should offer.

It's weird for you to say, you know what, man? I would give you half the pain. He offered in a way that made me almost believe that he could do it. Are you serious? You phrased it like it was gonna happen. I guess, sure, man. Could you take a little more than half?

Do you feel it every single day? Some days are way worse than others. And do you feel it every single step? Some steps are way worse than others. No, it really is like. If your pain went away, would you notice it instantly? Oh yeah. First step, you'd be like, holy shit.

Every step has a tiny little bit of pain. It's never like completely pain-free. Then there are like times when I, if I am like walking all day at the end of the day, it really hurts. Or if I'm walking on a hard surface for a long time, it really hurt. But then sometimes like, if I stretch it really well

and if I roll out, if I do all of that stuff, and I usually do that, my first couple of steps after stretching it for a long time are almost pain-free. Have you ever done physical therapy? No, that's gonna be the next step, actually. I'm going to the podiatrist. Our podcast is just the fucking foot and ankle podcast now.

God. But I'm gonna go to physical therapy starting late November. My new year's resolution was to be pain-free. Yeah, well, you have four weeks. God damn it. Get her done. All right, let's take a break, come back,

answer more questions with the Game Boy. Ta-da. Oh, BRB. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation, talking to a professional licensed therapist,

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And we have returned. Head Gum has a store now. We had shirts for a while and some water bottles in the office. And ideas for shirts, but we never really had a singular good place to see them all. Right now, if you go to headgum.com, there's a store tab. And if everything goes well,

there should be water bottles on there. There should be Head Gum swag on there. I got a Head Gum sweater. And I think those should be some Yes Dude's shirt. Oh shit. Yes Dude. Yes Dude, yes shirt dude. Finally a shirt that says what we're all saying,

which is Yes Dude. We should also get a That's Awesome Dude shirt. That's good, that's good. I'd wear that's awesome dude. I could wear a Yes Dude shirt. That's awesome dude. That's awesome dude. We should give all those profits to Jeffrey.

Well, whatever. He's a dumbass, he doesn't know the difference. Phone cases, stickers, a little bit of everything. So check out Head Gum. And then soon we're gonna have some swag from all of our podcasters. But we're starting with our show and Head Gum. Generic for now.

Actually, this hoodie is pretty dope. Yeah Dude. If you can wear a purple Head Gum hoodie, represent the brand. Purple? Yeah, purple, seafoam green, slate gray. Oh, very nice. Kangaroo pouch, it's soft, it's good.

It's a hoodie and it's all on headgum.com and you can see the store from there. Should we talk about our Hawaii show? And we already just, we just blew the, we screwed the pooch, man. Hawaii Five Show. We're finally going to the 50th state. Dude.

Da da da da da da. Da da da da da da. Da da da da da. Da. Do you remember the specific dates? February. That's February, but I don't know exactly. We don't have the details yet.

Sorry. We'll get them. We'll get them to you as soon as possible. If you live in Honolulu, holy shit, our first shows in Hawaii. Every show, every trip feels like a fun vacation. And this one's actually going to be a fun vacation. Just me and you sipping my ties on the beach.

Just, yeah, wearing layers and doing a haka. Yeah, a haka, well not a haka, a hula. A hula haka. Okay. A hula haka. Oh, I got the dates. February 17th and February 18th, so Friday and Saturday.

Dope, dude. We gon' rage in Honolulu. Though, yeah, I wonder what the, I've never been to Hawaii as a drinking adult. I've always gone on family vacations there. I don't know what the nightlife is like in Hawaii. I think they party. Great, I'm in.

Cool. Should we answer some more questions? Yes. Whose turn? Yours, because I didn't fuck. Stocks. Maybe somebody has some questions for us. Yeah, I would love to let them know how I invest.

How are your stocks doing these days? You know, I try not to check. Sometimes good. How's that going for you? Sometimes good, sometimes bad. At the end of the day, it's not money that I need right now, so I'm just gonna ride with the market. It's not what you invest in, but when you invest,

and as long as I'm slowly entering the market, keeping my money active, making sure that my money works for me. That's right. Oh, folks, Tesla is rebounding. Oh, no. What's your number one stock tip while I look? I guess, I'm a moron, so don't listen to me.

But I think you maybe told me to invest in companies that you like. And I did that, and it's way more fun to watch because I'm like, oh, I'm watching Nike stock go up, and I'm watching the Starbucks stuff go up, and I know those companies, and they're my friends. And I'm helping them out because I'm buying shit. Right, and yeah, I spend my money all the time there,

so it's kinda nice that I'm making a little bit of cash. There's too much, oh, here's a question about stocks. Okay, all right, there was a lot of spam about stocks, but this is a real one. Hey guys, we'll call this person Stocksy. Nice. It's Anastaxia. Oh, I like that.

Anastaxia, right, just to jump into it without too much background, I'm a gay female college student living in the conservative Midwest. As you can probably guess, it's kind of hard to find other girls who might be interested in a relationship, and it's been a while since I've even started talking to another lesbian lady.

Recently, what I can only assume is the gay goddess changed my fortunes. I met a girl through a mutual friend who was cute, funny, sweet, and definitely gay. We have tons in common, and there's clearly mutual attraction, et cetera. And long story short, we've been hanging out and texting quite a bit.

I really like her, and there haven't been any red flags so far, well, except for one thing. When she's texting, she insists on using rage faces. Yes, like the memes from 2010, the troll faces and whatnot. Instead of using emojis, like a regular member of normal society, she constantly sends me images like this. They kind of look like pencil-drying, renon-stimpy, very extreme rage-face emojis.

Like even worse than forever alone guy. Yeah. What is a forever alone guy? I literally don't know what to do. I don't want to be a dick and tell her to change the way she texts because that feels super shallow, but it is extremely off-putting to see these weird relics of early internet on my phone, and would frankly be embarrassed if one of my friends

of these faces saw one of these faces pop up while I was texting her. It's just strange. I don't want to say something wrong and ruin my chances with one of the only gay girls I have a shot with on campus, but I'm seriously off-put by this texting development. Do you guys put stock in a potential love, how a potential love interest texts?

Am I being a circle-jirking diva, or is it okay to be concerned with this kind of behavior? Love onostoxia. I have definitely been there where I was like, did not like the way somebody texts, and it totally turned me off, but that was when I was not in the same situation where there might be only one person

that I could hook up with. Yeah, it seems like the beggars can't be choosers saying is very much so in play here. Totally. You spent the first paragraph complaining about how you can't find anyone, and then you said you think the gay goddess were sending you someone awesome to you. And then you said that you didn't like that person

because of the way she texts. Yeah, at a certain point, you have to prioritize what you see in a person, and between cool, homosexual, living in the Midwest, attractive, and a lot of common interests, when you get down to how the emojis she used when she texts seems like a pretty small issue. Yeah, I also think,

cause I do understand when you're flirting with someone and they do something that's super off-putting, it's just like, oh no, you can't really help it. But I, so I would say that people change up the way they text a lot. Like, I bet she's not gonna stick with the Ray Traces forever. Like, why don't you just start using something better?

Like, just regular emojis or Giffys or something. Like, see if you can drive the conversation away from the rage faces. And if anything, it's a good sign because this person is being themselves. They're not acting on their best behavior. I feel like when I am most into someone, I'm texting weird jokes, silly things, lots of emojis.

I'm saying like bad jokes on purpose. I'm texting damn Daniel. I'm texting Opa Gangnam style. All floodgates are open. There's definitely someone that's got, that is like, yeah, been like, you know what, nevermind. This guy's as funny as I thought he was. He's doing side jokes.

That is true. But the person that is into it, it's like, oh, I'm myself around this person. Right, that's sort of, yeah. It's like a litmus test, almost. So this lady is, don't let her fail this litmus test. You know what, that is, because I think that your damn Daniel

and side jokes are the funniest, too. See? That is the truest version of you. Opa texting style. I didn't think that anything would ever overtake Opa Gangnam style, but I think damn Daniel did for a little bit. Has it been a year since damn Daniel?

No. It's only been like two weeks. It's just so weird and dirty. Yeah, you think that it's been longer. Yeah, when did the damn day, because I remember we were in our old house, so that's at least over six months ago. A 2016, oh, no, let's see, a 2016 viral video.

Wow, it has its own Wikipedia page. March 9th, so it's eight months old. Really cool. Damn Daniel, that's lasted a long time. Damn Daniel, you stayed super relevant. Jesus, Daniel, I had no ideas. Had this staying power, Daniel. I'm so proud of you, Daniel.

I mean, damn, Daniel. Wow, the person who did it, Daniel himself was born on 9-11, 2001. What? So, that's such a lie. Yeah, it's a lie. April 4th, 2001, but still, they are young. The 9-11 thing was a weird thing I added.

Actually, I can edit the Wikipedia page. Damn Daniel, you were born on a really dark day in American history, Daniel. Thanks for spreading your light, Daniel. Back at it again with the white, I'll stop. There you go. So, anyway. It's funny you stopped there.

I can't take it too far. I've only made three 9-11 jokes. Damn Daniel, I shouldn't make the fourth. How, let it go. Let it go, let it go. It's not that big of a deal, rage faces. Actually, I might send this rage face to somebody today. That's a fun idea.

Sort of test the waters. What is this thing? Do you get, I bet there's a lot of people who don't know what it is. I had no idea what it is. But now that I see it, it's sort of familiar. It's like a Reddit thing. It's a MMA.

All right, do you have a question or something to search? Yes. This might be the last question. Oh my God. Let's make a count. Tigress. Oh, so specific. Nope, nothing.

Tiger. Tiger. How do you spell that? T-I-G-E-R. No, I think it's a Y. No. Yes, I do. A lot of questions.

I'll give you three subject titles, ready? Okay. Kim, Jong, Slutbag, Will I Get Ditched for a Nude? And Stop the Music. God, I guess Kim Jong Slutbag is the most compelling. But I do want to say it like, Will I Get Ditched for a Nude? But whatever.

Ooh, another lady. We keep finding the Game Boy. The Game Boy is not as sexist as the other hosts. So what did you search for this? Tiger. Yeah, Tigress writes, but I Tigress. Very nice. So I'm an illustration student this summer

while I'm looking for work, I've been doing some commissioned portraits on the side. Nothing too expensive, just some extra video game money. And I find it to be really good drawing practice. Last month, this girl who used to bully me in high school for being fat messaged me on Facebook and said she wants a portrait of her. Now, I'm not one to hold grudges or anything.

High school was a while ago and I have moved on, so I agreed. Once I said yes, she started stipulating and had all these super weird conditions for the painting. First, she absolutely had to be painted in person because she loves the attention of someone drawing her. Second, she wanted to be painted lying on a tiger skin rug and naked with a really serious face

like some mix of a porn star and a North Korean dictator. I really, really didn't want to do this. So to get out of it, I told her, I usually only paint people on my computer and from reference, she offered to pay me three times as much as what I wanted to get the charge initially. Oh, sorry, three times as much as I was going to charge initially.

I thought she was fucking with me, but then she sent me the money through PayPal as a gesture of good faith. I have no idea how to get out of this now and I can't really afford to turn down $600 when I'm up to my eyeballs in student debt, but I really don't want to draw this psychotic bitch naked and I especially don't want to do it

if it's all part of some kind of weird ego birth boost for her after how she treated me for six years of my life. What should I do? Wow, what an interesting question to have found. I guess. What would you do basically? Let's start there. I would do it.

What better way to get back at this person than to help them waste $600 on a dumb ass painting? Oh, wow, what if you, okay, I like that as a start. What if you paint her a little worse? So you'd be like, yeah, get naked and they're like, all right, I want to draw some like, you know how your back skin is greasy, so I want to get the shine just right.

Yeah, but then she's no better. Give her little complexes. That's, but then she's no better than the bully. Well, when you go low, they go, when they go low, you go lower, lower still. You go underground. It's called fighting in the trenches. They go low, you go underneath them

and further and still until we're all in the core of the earth burning alive. So that's one way to get back at her in case you're worried about making sure that you're not taking it from somebody who bullied you. You can sort of fuck her again, fuck her just as hard as she fucked you. Why six years of my life?

I thought she was a high school bully. Yeah, I guess maybe their high school started in seventh grade, it was like seven through 12 or something. So you would do it? I mean, it sounds hot to me. So like, I want to do it just so I can like, you know. Well, in your version, it would be you painting a bully male naked

on a tiger skin rug. Oh, right. So I'm not looking at like this hot bully who would need to be like totally naked on a tiger skin rug. Hot bully is a funny porn search. Hot bully, that is definitely porn for that. It's like dominatrix, but like just like wedges and shit.

Right. Oh, for sure. They have like giant test porn where like the girl crushes you with her ass and stuff. Yeah, you're squeezing your balls right now. I'm jerking off right now. Which I shouldn't say that's unique to the question we're answering. Right, no, I always do this.

Yeah. I guess, yeah, I mean, if that was my, if I made money from drawing and somebody I hated wanted me to draw them, but if I needed the money, I don't think I'm so proud that I wouldn't do it. Just do it. Just do it.

At the very least, it'll add something to your portfolio. It'll move your quote up. Now you could start charging $600 and be like $600, who gives you $600? You know that hot bully that used to terrorize me? Yeah, I made this. Oh, living well is the best revenge. I think, I've been in some sort of a similar situation

to this and I found that it was like a little bit empowering to like, to really not hold a grudge and to treat that person just like I would treat anyone. And it was kind of nice. And especially if this person is like, you are sort of in the power position here. They're, they really want a favor from you. They want to pay you money.

Ooh, this was sent. You were in the money. It was sent a couple of months ago. I'm going to reply and see if we can get the photo. Well, the picture, not the photo, not a photo of the naked girl on the tiger, right? No, I want to see a photo of the painting. Okay, cool.

Yeah, I want to see it. Maybe we could put it on the website. If it comes up, all right. That's it. The Game Boy's out. Goodbye, Game Boy. Back to your attic. Oh, oh, oh.

He's trying to do a, he's shrinking somehow. Yeah, he's the size of a little, I don't know, figurine. He's a figurine. If you have your own questions or your own theme song submissions, that address, email address for everything is if I were you, show at gmail.com. Thanks for listening.

Thanks for spreading the word. Do you remember who made the opening theme song? Sri. Sri ain't. Sri. Go and nowhere. Oh, this one, the outro is a Blink 182 cover. Dude, that should have been the intro.

Well, I wanted to, I wanted to explain what it was and then it's also a little bit long. So it's a nice outro song. Blink 182's cover from Josh No Joshua. Special song, this one is from Take Off Your Pants and Jacket, one of Blink 182's lesser known albums. Oh yeah, this is a guy that we've done before. So it is SoundCloud Josh No Joshua.

This one is the Stay Together for the Kids parody called Stay Together for the Jews. This is not what we've played before, right? No, I don't remember. So thanks Josh No Joshua on SoundCloud and Instagram. Thanks to you guys for listening. We'll be back after Thanksgiving. Oh, have a good holiday.

Have a good turkey day. Don't eat too much. Wait, this is coming after Thanksgiving? This will be the Monday before Thanksgiving. So we're saying in advance of Thanksgiving. Sorry, we're recording this in May of 2019. So it's hard to record. Yeah, we're recording this from the future.

Back to the future. All right, let's get out of here. Bye. So does your life go for the poor? In a situation you can't ignore? You've got a problem you can't solve and it makes no sense at all? I've got a solution to do.

Send an email to these two Jews. Free advice, laugh all night listening to. If I could show it's a broadcast that's so they're matched at all? These two boys will probably make fun of you. They'll give advice too. You've got to believe you do. Yeah, all right.

Okay, relax Romeo.