If I Were You - 247: Unhinged

Episode Date: November 28, 2016

In this episode we discuss one night stands, team captains and when to delete dating apps.This episode is brought to you by Squarespace, ZipRecruiter, and Leesa!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

Let's get right into this episode. Of course, things got real. We're full of turkey. Here we go. Oh, great theme song. Listen to this. Some problems with your family. This is the Game Boy here to help you make your own life. Well, I hope of all the questions they pick mine. They pick mine. If only I were you. Very soothing.

Damn, Daniel. That was really good. Voice of an angel on that, man. That guy is Jesse Gold, who I believe we've used as theme songs many a time. We met him one time in Toronto. Yeah, and I ran into him in Santa Monica. He's as cool as the name Jesse Gold would lead you to believe, plus his music. Kind of cool and kind of Jewish? Yeah, exactly. Jesse is a great cool Jewish name.

Gold is a cool Jewish last name. Do you think names have a lot to do with who you turn out to be? If your name was Moishe, do you think you'd be cool? I bet not. Really? Yeah. That's the first really big executive decision your parents make in molding your future. Yeah, it's true.

Will you be a Jesse or a Moishe? Those are the only two options. Your parents wanted you to be a Moishe. That's why they named you Schmuel. And I begged and pleaded as a six-day-old for the name, at least give me an ambiguously Jewish name like Amir, that I can overcome in some capacity. They said, fine, Schmuel for middle. Thanks, Jesse Gold.

You can follow him on Instagram and everywhere else at JesseGoldMusic. That's it, at JesseGoldMusic. Dope. You know that song, Wagon Wheel? So rock me, mama like a wagon wheel. Yeah. Is that like a popular song that a bunch of people do, or is that like a Darius Rucker song?

I believe the story of that song is that it's an old Bob Dylan song. Oh. But then it was made popular by like Old Crow Medicine, something. Oh, even newer. Yeah, like older. They covered the Bob Dylan song because it wasn't a popular, or even Finnish Bob Dylan song. Oh, really?

And then they just like, we'll take it and we'll finish it. Yeah, and then I, now I think it's like, it was such a popular cover that everyone's covered. Flood gates are open. Is what I think. Oh, mama rock me. Great song. That's my parody request of the week.

If you have a wagon wheel, if I were you, show cover. Ooh, nice. All right. What is this show? This show is a podcast show. Podcast me, mama. Things got real. Like it's been real.

Oh, that's really good. Oh, podcast rots me. I don't know. Listen, I'm not the artist. I'm just the artist. You are. So see if you can make it better. You figure it out.

That's me throwing the lyrics at an intern that has a guitar in his hand. He doesn't know how to play. It doesn't matter. This is an advice podcast. So the way it works is that you download it with a podcast app, or you can stream the audio live. On your computer, you can hear us talk. And the way it works is that the way the things that we say are so kind of entertaining

and kind of humorous that it makes pedestrian or boring tasks or obligations to fly by and fast away. Your commute or your workout. Right. So like let's say you're washing dishes. That's usually where I go to. And it seems it's a mundane or tedious task. Do you listen to podcasts while you're washing dishes?

I don't. Okay. What do you think other people might? Yeah, I think they might. But when do you listen to podcasts most? Ooh, good question. Driving, I would say. So you listen to podcasts most when you're driving.

But the example for someone listening to a podcast is washing dishes. All right. So you're washing a dish and you're listening to us talk. And I guess in an ideal way, it makes you laugh and it makes you happy and it makes you smile. That's what a podcast is. Yeah. And this specific one is us answering people's questions.

People are often confused in life. We say you can ask us about anything you want. Any advice you need, Jake and I are proud and humbled to give it. 90% of the time is relationship advice just because that's what people are most confused about, but we'll take anything at this point. That's true. If you have your own questions or maybe even your own theme song submissions, the email address for everything is if I were you show at gmail.com.

For this episode, I found a couple questions. You found a couple questions. I wonder if we found the same questions. Oh, I do not think that far ahead. No, we did not. Which leads us to the first theme of the podcast. We are sort of adult children. We don't often think ahead.

That's why our show is called If I Were You and Not Good Advice from Therapist. Right. Which is a much more boring, but probably intellectual podcast that you should also subscribe to. Do you have any questions called FWBFTW? No. All right. Why don't we start with that one that I found from a lady, a sophomore in college.

You want to give this lady a fake name just so we can refer to her while still preserving an image. This is really for people who have never heard the show before. Not a single inside joke for the rest of this time, guys. Get all your hat, your day one, your Josh and Vance, the pinch. That's out. All right. Yes, dude.

Yes, dude. This is like the end of the Terminator where you sort of horse into everything. Yes, dude. She's the dude. She's the dude. Dude. Rawr. Day one.

Hack on ya. Goose. Hashtag dope. All right. This lady's called Kenzie Boner. Nice, dude. Yeah. Listen up, Diva wrote.

It's funny because Boner is a silly word and Kenzie's a dumb ass name. Clearly we're just slighted by somebody named Kenzie. Somebody at the gym just beat you up. This one's called Kenzie and I beat the shit out of him. I know it's a lady. I'm so sorry. Kenzie Boner writes, I'll get right to the point. I'm a sophomore in college and I lost my virginity two months ago.

What up? I had been waiting for the one, but then I got horny. You never want to be horny. He leaves only one way to alleviate the horniness. About three weeks ago, I started a friends with benefits relationship, but due to scheduling conflicts, we were only recently able to have sex about a week ago. The second time we boned, he ended up sleeping over and we cuddled throughout the night. Now, I chose this guy for a reason.

We don't agree on many fundamental issues, so I know we wouldn't make a good couple. However, after the cuddle session, I realized I'm starting to miss intimacy. So should I A, ditch this dude and wait for someone special? B, continue this friends with benefit relationship that teeters on the line of a real relationship, you know, text throughout the day, cuddle session, sleepover, goodbye kisses. Or C, lie to myself about not actually needing intimacy and continue this friends with benefits relationship while avoiding those constant texts, snaps, sleepovers and cuddle sessions. Love the show.

I'm a day one baby. I don't know what that means. There are no inside jokes anymore. Okay. So I don't understand her three options. Maybe some of them are like overlapping. Let's pretend like you don't have these three options. You could do whatever you want.

Yeah. I fucking hate multiple choice. Yeah. This is my life, my show. Well, it's her life, your show. Okay. Still one out of two, I bet. So she's in a friends with benefits relationship and she's like, wait, maybe I do kind of

like I miss cuddling and intimacy. So should I, what should I do? Should I ditch this dude for someone special or just continue on this thing and pretend like I don't give a shit about the intimacy? And there's not an option of her being intimate with this guy because they don't agree on anything. Yeah. They don't agree on many fundamental issues. So we wouldn't make a good couple.

For instance, I like him and he doesn't like me. That's the biggest fundamental issue in every relationship. What are your thoughts on me? Let's say, I think if she, it sounds like she wants something more than a sexual relationship. So since she got her horniness quenched, she might as well forget about this dude for a bit and try to find a boy. Yeah. Or she can continue with this dude while she looks for the boy.

Yeah. That's the nice thing about friends with benefits. They're kind of low stakes. Yeah. It's either, it's this or nothing while you look for a boy. So if this is better than nothing at all, then you can just continue doing it while you look for a boy. Because this is like sex and no intimacy.

Yeah. But then searching for a boy is, boy is no sex and no intimacy. Right. So you might as well have the sex if you enjoy the sex. And the intimacy if you enjoy the boy. Coming up on NBC's The Boy. What are your thoughts on cuddling after a random one night stand-esque hookup? Oh, I love it.

Oh, you love it. Yeah. So even if it's like a one night stand thing and you're like, I'm never going to see this person again. Sometimes especially. I love to have like a girlfriend for the night. So like spooning, hugging, kissing in the middle of the night. Kissing in the cheek.

Yeah. And then you're like, all right. Bye for now. If I had it my way, I would like also be able to say I love people in one night stand. But it really confuses people when you never see them again after that. So I learned that the medium way. I'm definitely down for, I like cuddling. I'm a cuddler.

And then do you, have you ever been like the victim of someone who's like, all right, I got to go. And you're like, wait, but don't you want to stay and cuddle? Yeah. But no, this was a hit and run of sorts. When something, when like that's happened, like somebody's like, all right, I'm going to go home. Like, you know, you can sleep here.

It's like, no, that's okay. Yeah. That's fine too. That is an interesting rule. Some people have like, I'm not sleeping over. I don't like sleeping over. Well, though some people, it's more, not a rule, but more like they, they're not comfortable. They don't get comfortable.

They're unable to sleep in other people's beds. Yeah. And that's fine. I think that the rule for that is always like, if the person wants to fuck and leave, that's kind of like, that's got to be fine. But like, you can't just kick someone out of your house after you've brought them home. What if you sleep in their bed? Do you, are you just assuming I'm sleeping there?

Or do you ask for permission? Yeah, I don't know if my rule should really check out. I guess it's just, it's definitely a case by case basis because I've been in a position too where someone was like, you can go and I sort of felt like they wanted me to. And I was like, all right, I'm leaving then. It is 412 though. Maybe I'll leave at 930. I think this is what everybody hopes out of a one night stand.

Why does it feel so mean? I should go. I'm going to leave. Can I cuddle you before? I love you. Yeah, it is funny. It's like you have a basically a girlfriend for the night. It's such a loving way to sleep with someone that might in fact be a stranger.

Yeah. You might kiss them goodbye. Like you're going to work for the thousandth time. It's funny how that's more intimate. Like you can literally like, you know, you penetrate somebody and have or have someone enter you. Sure. Swapping bodily fluids coming in front of like into someone or on someone or with someone. Something that your best friends haven't seen.

The most intimate thing in the world. And then like you're, you don't want to like stroke someone's hand in the morning. Oh, that's a little too real. Yeah. Because once the light comes up, the magic is over. I guess I always imagined it was like once I leave the room, the magic is over. You shut the door. Yeah.

In this room, in this cocoon of lovemaking. It's a theater. I feel like we're in a relationship. Yeah. You're, you're maybe walking to the bathroom naked. You're opening the fridge. It's very boyfriendy. Oh yeah.

Chugging milk. That's good. And she's like, can you not? And then you're like, okay, here we go. Wipe my milk mustache off. Belch and say, you don't love me anymore. Yeah. You give her a gross kiss and she's sort of like laughs and is disgusted at the same time.

It's very cute. That's nice. That's a movie. And then you plop down next to her in the bed and she's like, oh shit, my mom's calling. And then you're like, oh, let me guess. She's asking you about like anti-lean. I know some really weird, like intimate information. Yeah.

How did you know about my aunt Elise? Don't worry. Quiet, Kenzie. This wasn't about you. So in conclusion, still have fun. You can have fun with this guy. You don't need to be in a relationship with him. But if you find yourself maybe growing too attached, that's when you should cut him off.

Yeah, that's what's up. Yeah. All right. And once he's getting attached too, then it's kind of like, oh, do we just morph into DF and GF? Maybe that's fine. I wonder how many relationships start with a quote unquote, one night stand because that's maybe how the first date goes.

And you don't know if it's a one night stand or the beginning of a marriage. How many marriages started with a one night stand? Interesting. I thought we were one night and how many wedding speeches ended with? I'm trying to think about my relationships, relationships. And I believe only one of them began that way. That's right. And of mine, one of them did too.

So the rule is one always does. Amazing. It's called the one rule. The rule to rule them one. Wait, two of mine did. Oh, shit. Sorry. The rule.

The exception improves the rule. Very good. I've got a relationship question of my own from a lady. Oh, you mean a lady named Dove Gray? Yeah. That's a cool name. Yeah. Dove Gray.

Sorry, I'm just looking at a tab on my computer and that's the name of a carpet. Yeah. A paint chip. That makes a lot of sense to you. Dove Gray. This is actually more of a sex question than a relationship one. All right. Pass.

Dove Gray writes. Hey, Jake. Hi, Amir. I absolutely adore you guys in the podcast. You seriously make my day. Thanks, Dove Gray. I have no question. I've been seeing a guy for a while now who is really into dirty talk.

The problem is I don't like the word pussy because it sounds gross, yet vagina is too clinical. Do you guys have any tips for dirty talk and what's a sexy way to refer to, you know, my parking space? I hope you guys enjoyed your holiday, Dove Gray. So she has to say it or she wants to make a rule that he can't say it. The reason I chose this is because I think there's a right answer. Oh.

I want to see if you get there. By the way, that is two different ways to interpret it. And I interpret it as she wants to say it and she wants to come up with a different way to say it. Got it. Like I want you to eat or chow down on my ex. The blank is so tight. My blank is so wet.

And she thinks vagina is too clinical and pussy is too crass. Well, you want to say like, oh yeah, my vagina is so wet. That sounds like some sort of issue. My pussy is so wet. I mean, I still think that sounds hot, but maybe I'm completely wrong. So there's a word for that that's in between vagina and pussy. Did Donald Trump ruin pussy for us? Is that one of the other fucking things that he did?

He's the most mad about, I think. He stole that word from perverts. So my, it's so, I'm trying to think. Now I'm at a complete, like I'm just trying to think of any adjective like box is kind of like really crass. My twat is the worst, I think. And cunt is bad too. I think slit's the worst.

Are you serious? Yeah. Slit seems really gross. My slit is so wet. Yeah. You said, wait, I'm not saying that's the answer. I'm saying that's the worst. Oh yeah.

I thought you said that's what she should say. Oh God, no. Ew. Christ. Slit twat, cunt, pussy, vagina. Mom, if you're still listening, I guess you could just keep it up at this point. We've said the worst we could possibly say. Is there a less sexy way to say it than me brainstorming adjectives?

All right. What do you think it is? You don't say it at all, brother. Down there, clit? You don't say it. Oh, you don't say it? No. So it's a trick question.

Yeah, dude. So the adjective I couldn't think of was actually the right choice. Yeah. You just talk about other shit. You talk about his shit. You know what I mean? So she wants- Put your cock in me.

Oh, give me that dick. Fuck me. Spank my ass. Lick my tits. Whatever. And I'm so wet. You don't make the vagina you. Like, oh, I'm so tight.

Is it tight? You know? So that's the vagina's talking. And I'm. Yeah, exactly. In this moment, you are the vagina. So two eyes on a little vagina, not unlike some sort of animated oyster. If you are the vagina, then you get to say like, I'm so wet.

You don't have to say my pussy is wet or my vagina is wet or my slit is wet or my collar. Got it. So like in this world, she's a cartoon clam, two googly eyes with a pearl for a tongue. Oh, you could say that's another one. My clam is so tight on you. And she's saying, oh, kiss me here, but she actually means her vagina. Yeah. You say lick it or lick me.

Lick me is kind of weird. But suffice to say, this is obviously the correct answer. So you're saying don't reference your vagina at all. Just don't say it. I want to give her a word just because she really wants a word. We gave her the right answer. You want to give her a word, fine. But I stand by my answer.

So Jake says no word and I say down there. I'm so wet down there. Oh, no. Yeah. That's my suggestion. Maybe I guess like if any girl was saying it to me, I think it was hot. But you saying it to me, my penis just crawled up inside my navel. You just passed the gay test.

Yes. I was so worried because I've been in a relationship with a man for a long time. But I have noticed it's been loveless. All right. So those are some options. Solid options. That's what I call answers. We're about halfway through our 20 or 45 minute episode.

So why don't we take a break right now? Come back with even more cues and A's. That's great because I have to pee. Perfect. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult

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Yes, dude. Before Thanksgiving. It was really nice. Yeah. We should say we're recording this before Thanksgiving, but we can have the conversation as it happened. That's cool. Did you survive the thing?

No, I died. Really? Yeah. Jesus. Right, I'm dead. I died over the weekend. That is going to be so dark if it happens. Dude, can you imagine?

The Costumous Podcast. I'd want you to run it. Really? Yeah. You mean that, dude? Actually, no. I just don't want you to end the podcast. Dilute hudgum.

Give it up. Chop it into little pieces. All the podcasts become independent. You stop writing projects. Is this so selfish? Yeah. I just don't want you to succeed without me. I guess people would be like, oh, Jake might have been holding him back the whole time.

Got it. I guess I can start some maybe start writing some of my own shit that could be like a little... No. I wouldn't want you to write anything. Well, I'm saying maybe I can even write something about your passing or some sort of semi-autobiographical dark comedy. That'd be cool.

Yeah. But even if that went forward and it was successful, then it would be like, oh, Amir was a better writer without Jake, and I really wouldn't want anything like that to happen. I can make it a little worse than I would make it a little worse than I would actually make it. Right. So I would make it a little worse. And I would call it your name.

I would say to Jake Hurwitz. I would dedicate it to you. Oh. So it'd be like a love letter to you. Yeah. That's kind of cool. But I would really, again, I would hate for something to like... It would be critically panned.

That's pretty good. Oh, fuck you, dude. Is it just me? Is it just me? Is it just me? Yeah. We're recording this before Thanksgiving, releasing after. So it's tough to say how the holidays were, but you can safely estimate that we ate a

lot. Yeah. Oh, you can be like, oh, I fucking... I feel like I haven't worked out in a few days. Right. I tried to get a good workout in today. Yeah. Before we leave.

Oh, you were last... The launch off one. Yeah. Oh, I'm going to bring my climbing shoes home. Hopefully I'm going to climb with my brother a little bit. That'd be nice. Yeah. How did that go when you climbed with your brother?

I ended up only... I was going to... I brought my stuff home. I was going to try to climb two or three times, but we ended up just climbing once. And even then, it wasn't a good session. We just went and got cheeseburgers afterwards. Cheeseburgers mid Thanksgiving. I would like to...

I'm going to go on record and say, I think I will... So I know I'm going to get really drunk on Wednesday. Yeah. Hung over Thursday for Thanksgiving. For Thanksgiving. Which is good timing. Yeah. You're indoors.

You're eating a lot of food. It's a guilt-free-ish. Right. Oh, God, I love... God, Thanksgiving's one of the best. Yeah, because it's all food. It's funny, I used to hate Thanksgiving when I was younger. Why?

I think because it was like... Family time and not friends. Yeah, exactly. And now I miss my family. I see my friends all the time. I'm sick of my fucking friends. Yeah, when I'm doing Thanksgiving, it's just family time. And we're on like go to bed at 10 p.m.

Wake up at 7 a.m. Time. Yeah. So you're not going to go out on Wednesday night? No, yeah. I have no going out Wednesday night. It's like I'm going to be at my brother's house with my nieces, hanging out with them. Then maybe...

Point. Yeah. Then maybe watching basketball or something. And then if one of them is down, like the eight-year-old was telling me about this like new club that just opened up in downtown San... Really? SF, yeah, yeah. So downtown San Francisco.

Go away. I guess she knows the bouncer. How? Because she does like gymnastics with his kids. So she's eight. Uh-huh. And his kids are eight. Yeah.

But she like got it. How did she get in good with the bouncer and like know that she needed to get you? Because she's like my dad's a bouncer. Her friend who does gymnastics with her. It's like my dad's a bouncer at that new club. You're not going to bring her obviously to the... No, yeah. It would be me and her.

It would be me and her. You and her. Yeah. And then we would get there. Any like bomb service somewhere? Yeah. Well, I don't even know if we have to pay for the bottle service. But if we get it, like that's such a plus.

Cause then we get like the VIP table and you can like sort of look. This is your, does your brother, her father know about this? No, we probably won't. It's like our little secret type thing. So we're like super hungover the next day. Yeah. Damn. I think this is illegal.

Yeah. In fact. You guys are both hungover. It's funny to imagine an eight year old hungover. That has to have happened, right? Definitely. I don't think it's funny though when it happens, I bet. It's like probably really, really sad.

Cause like when you're hungover now, you know what you did. Yeah. You're an eight year old doesn't, I don't think an eight year old could comprehend like I drank, I made crazy decisions and now I'm paying for it today. That's like the nice thing about a hangover. Right. You're like, you can recognize, you deserve this. This is the consequence.

The tax. Yeah. This is what I'm paying for the fun time. An eight year old is probably just like, I feel very sick and it's so sad. There must be some sort of child like abuse of parents getting their kids sick or drunk, cause like no six to eight year old would willingly do this, drink alcohol. Remember how disgusting it was when you like have a sip of your parents wine and it like tasted like poison.

I remember that, but I remember also my little sister liked the taste of beer. Some babies like the taste of like beer or wine. Yeah. You get a little whiskey on your finger and you stick it in the baby's mouth. But they don't like that. But maybe like an old fashioned or a, or a gin Ricky, a four year old drinking a Cosmo, sipping on a martini while reading newspaper. I mean, they definitely make drinks sweet enough for adults to like them.

Yeah. You like your drinks super sweet sometimes. Yeah, that's true. I'm sure I can. Yeah. Maybe I can. Not, not anybody in my family, but I would like to get an eight year old drunk. Oh no.

What? This is so fucked up. All right. Do we have, oh wait, it's my turn. Yeah, it's your turn. My turn to ask, answer, or ask you a question. Yeah. This one is from a dude.

Okay. Uh, you got a name for him? Um, Tad Daily. Because we do things at Tad Daily around here. I recently matched with this babe on hinge. Hinge. And we arranged to get brunch together the next day. Brunch went well and we decided to go back to my place to smoke.

We ended up spending, we ended up spending the whole day together. We went to the zoo, watched a movie, went to a party at night. She slept over. Fast forward a few days, we've hung out two more times, continued to have fun together, holding hands, kissing frequently, cuddling. I even went as far as to delete Tinder and hinge from my phone as I don't see the need for them at the moment. Wow. This morning, however, I decided to re-download hinge to see whether or not she was still active on it.

Okay. Lo and behold, she's still on there pretty much every few hours during the day. I could just delete hinge again or unmatch her, but I'd sort of rather talk to her about it. What the fuck do I do here? This is really gutting me, but surely it's too early to ask her to delete or not use it. I could tell her that it makes me feel shitty that she's still on there, but I'm not sure what good that will do me aside from forcing an ultimatum, me or hinge. What are my options here?

Oh man. Hinge. Haven't heard that word in a while. Is it just hinge? Is it just hinge? Yeah, it's a little bit of a tricky conundrum. I mean, what was the motivation for him to delete it in the first place? I think this guy's moving way faster than her.

He's like, two dates in. I'm like, this is the one. I'm deleting this shit. And then he re-downloads it and he's like, wait a minute. I'm not the one to her. I guess it's fine if you delete hinge and you're like, I really like this girl. I don't need to match anybody. But it is sort of an unreasonable expectation for you to assume that she needs to be going at the same pace as you are.

Yeah, I think of this as cheating. So there's no rule. You can't say don't cheat and you can't say don't whatever. You have to delete it. You just have to be so good that the person actively chooses you over any but other partner. So if you're like a great guy, then she'll eventually delete hinge on her own volition. And it'll mean more because you didn't ask her to do it. You feel like you've never said to a girlfriend like, hey, by the way, one of the rules of dating is that we don't cheat on each other?

Yeah, I would never say that. Right. Yeah. You just sort of assume that's sort of that unsaid one. We didn't have to go over that in the intro date. We just assumed that it's not good to cheat on other people. It's kind of the same rule as like when I have to stop seeing other people. Yeah.

Like if it starts feeling where it's like, wow, I am legit in a relationship with this person, hopefully that other person feels the same way too. And it's not like six months down the line, she's still dating others. Yeah. I mean, like if it's only been a few days. A few dates, three dates. I mean, these, but these dates do sound kind of epic. Oh, you know, they just, they got brunch, got high, went to a zoo and a movie and a party. And that's, that describes four and a half weeks of a relationship to me.

I don't know. Yeah. I don't know when she has time to even go on hinge right now, but. She's unhinged. Actually, when I was reading this, I took a note. I'm like, going to the zoo is probably a fun date. Especially if you go stoned. Oh, wow.

Imagine seeing a fucking elephant high. What? Like the elephants high? Yeah. And the eight year old that you brought is drunk. Yeah. So I gleaned from this. You should go to a zoo.

Aside from that. It's a fun date. Don't ask her to delete it. You can't ask her to delete it. Don't bring it up. Yeah. I wouldn't say anything. I would not do a single thing about it.

Just continue to be cool. And then maybe she'll just delete it on her own. Yeah. On her own volition. And I feel like when you, if you need to talk to her about it, you wouldn't want to frame it as like, so do you want to delete hinge? Yeah. You don't want to say like, let's, should we, should we stop seeing other people or dating

other people? And I've like, you know what I've done is like, I've kept apps going longer in the background because it's like, oh, I'm not swiping, but at the same time, I don't want to deactivate yet. You know, like, because there's something fun about like, what if I spend three months with this person? And then I go back to the app and I got a whole pool of people that have swiped for the last three months.

Oh, that's fun. And then when you finally delete that, that's when it means a lot more. Because you're like, oh, shit, I'm really just turning my back on all these people. Yeah. I guess that's one of the hard things that us millennials have to deal with. Right. Especially if you meet someone on these apps, you know they're using it. Yeah.

I got the dating pool is so enormous. It's really, it's hard to get out. It's the middle of the ocean, unfortunately, unless you've matched with a speedboat, there's no end in sight. All right. The end. Next question. By the way, did you hear Gabor's on Twin Innovation?

No. It's one of my, it's the funniest. It's so fucking good. That's out right now. Yeah. I just listened to it. If you guys have not heard John Gabor's guesting on Twin Innovation, it's like two of my favorite podcasts collided.

It's so funny. I should also mention that I was on Barely Friending. I can't talk as glowingly about it because it's me. But if you want to hear my voice talking about, I think we talked about casual sex on that as well. Oh hell yeah. Barely Friending Episode 77 with special guest, me, Amir Shmuel. Shmuel-y-moo.

DJ Shmuel-y-moo. So if you guys need more. DJ Shmuel-y-moo. In the house, if you guys need more podcast content, I'm going to listen to that Twin Innovation tonight, maybe while I'm running my dishwasher. Oh, there you go. It really, God, it's so funny. They, like, Gabor's is just the fucking quickest and Dave is the dumbest.

It's a match made in whatever the difference between hell and heaven is. I mean, you just have to hear, and also Gabor's had, like, never heard the show before. So like, when Dave's pitching, he's reading a manifesto off his phone. Gabor's is so confused. It's great. What the fuck are you doing? What is this? Dave does this every week?

Dave's just talking about the singularity and John is like, I don't think you know what it is. That's true. It is fun to, like, hear an outsider perspective on Twin Innovation because they have such a shared language and ecosystem that nobody dare question it. Yeah. All right. And also, like, somebody that's just, like, Gabor's that comes in, has no interest in,

like, trying to, like, cater to their audience. He's just, like, himself making fun of Dave. It's great. All right. Anyway. Yeah. This is coming from a 15-year-old boy. Oh.

Yeah. What's his name? Diddley did. Diddley did. Diddley did writes, I am a 15-year-old male turning 16 next April and I have a sticky situation on my hands. I'm currently in my high school's 21 and under soccer team and I'm thinking of quitting because of this shithead team captain.

He's pretty good. Well, on the other hand, I'm not the best and even though I know this myself, he keeps reminding me that I'm shit every time I see him. As I've said, I know I'm not the best, but I'm definitely not the worst. Even my other teammates say I've been proved and that I'm not bad. He's even told other teammates that he would tell the coach to not have me start the games. I have a couple of years left in high school, then I'm off to college. I was wondering if I should quit the team and not deal with that shithead anymore.

Or should I push through and stay on the team? My reason for staying in the team is so that I have something on my CV. Do colleges even check sporting achievements? Is it important to have this on my CV? Please help me. Thanks in advance, Diddley did. All right. A lot of thoughts there.

One, high school under 21 team, who's on the high school over 21 team. That person shouldn't be on the team too illegal. I was thinking if I was 15 now, would I listen to podcasts? Would you listen to podcasts? I probably, if I was 15, I don't know, like, did the 15 year old version of me do things like listening to. Yeah. I guess I probably would have, because I was like watching funny internet videos and listening

to like Adam Sandler CDs, I liked comedy albums. Right, right, right. So yeah, if there was like a way for me to get more comedy, I probably would. We would be like comedy nerds listening to comedy podcasts. Yeah, I bet. All right. And then what else this reminded me of is I remember two sports memories when I was around this age.

Number one, I don't know if I ever talked about this, but it's a really funny story. There was when, and when I was in eighth grade, when I was 14, there were basketball tryouts for middle school basketball. And there was only like 80 kids in my grade, but like half of the grade tried out. So there was like 40 dudes trying out. So the rule in middle school was, especially at my middle school, because it was a private Jewish middle school, is that if you wanted to play, you could play. They'll just make more teams.

And there was the A team, the B team, the C team, and the fourth team with the saddest name of all. Imagine something sadder than the D team. It's really low. It's so sad. And I was smart enough to know it. It was called the NBA team. The NBA team.

As if we were so bad to make us feel better. After the D team, there was the NBA team. No, it was A team, B team, C team, and the NBA team, as if you were so dumb and bad at basketball. We're not even going to let you legitimize you by saying you're a step below the C guys. Yeah. So I tried out, and I thought I did pretty well, but I, when they started listing off the teams, A team, all my friends, B team, some of my friends, C team.

Not even me. D team, or sorry, NBA team. All the people who have pretty much never played basketball before and me, and I'm like, oh my God, this is mortifying. Some of them are happy because they're on the fucking NBA team, but I have to tell them, no, it's patronized. It's really bad, guys. Yeah.

Come lose the NBA. Come lose the tryout. So I was in a situation where I'm like, this is kind of embarrassing. Maybe I should just quit. I don't want to play with all these people that never played basketball before. These scrubs. But I played. I stayed with it.

It was actually really fun because they appropriately put me on the worst league, but I was the best player in the worst league. So compared to somebody that's never played basketball before, I was averaging 18 points a game because I can actually shoot. You could dunk all of a sudden. So it felt great to be the best player on the worst, saddest name team. So that wasn't quite for college, but it did remind me, it reminded me or it gave me the idea to tell this guy to stick it out because quitting is probably even sadder than getting

made fun of while being on the team. Yeah. I mean, fuck this guy. I just, I had to answer this question because I had to say, fuck this team captain who's like picking on you. That's the opposite of what a team captain is supposed to do. Yeah. But you know, high school sports, it's all just, it's like a combination of every terrible

hormonal douchebag asshole thing happening at the same time. High school sucks. The other thing I wanted to say is that he's only 15. He might not have had its growth spurt yet. You are so tiny when you're 15. If you practice playing soccer and keep on playing for the next four years, you will get a lot better. It's also funny because when you said he's only 15, I thought you were talking about

the bully. So it'd be funny to be like, if this guy gave him a comeback, he's like, what the fuck are you being a bully for? You're only 15. Just start acting like you're 33. Dude, you're so, like you're picking on me. You're a fucking 15 year old. 15, dude.

Yeah. How old are you? I'm 15 too. I'm just saying. We're both 15. It doesn't matter because we're all 15. Compared to adults, we're kind of losers. Actually, I'm fucking the English teacher's wife.

Amazing. Jesus. How do you have a mustache already? I'm 33. I'm the coach. Are you? You should be on the over 21 team then. All right.

Do you want to answer one more question before you have to go? I think you found three. I only found two. Oh yeah, I have a third. I have a third and final question. Hell yeah. All right. This is from a gal, a gal.

We'll call her Abraham gal or a gal for short. Okay. A gal. Abraham gal writes, so I've managed to get myself into a bit of a situation. I broke up with my boyfriend a few months ago. No problems. It was very mutual and we're still good friends. But when we broke up, the only rule he had was that I wasn't allowed to hook up with

my best friend. My best friend and I have always been extremely close and he has always been fairly affectionate to me to the point that it's sometimes used to annoy my boyfriend while we were together. But there was never anything between us romantically. So at the time of my breakup, I agreed, thinking it would never happen anyway. Problematically after my breakup, my relationship with my best friend began to change. We became closer and our relationship became more sexually charged in a way I had not anticipated. Oh no, but she promised her ex.

Yes, then we both fucked a few times and it's been fine, but we don't want any more than that. We definitely don't want to date each other and no, we're better off just being friends. So I have two questions. One, how bad of a person am I for sleeping with my best friend when I promised my ex-boyfriend? I wouldn't. My best friend and ex are also very good friends and it would completely fuck up the good friendship I have with my ex.

Two, do I have to tell my ex-boyfriend this happened? Not many people know and I don't think there's any way I will get back to him unless I tell him. I don't want to hurt him, but I didn't mean for this to happen. Anyway, thanks and sorry for the long email. Love your show. Big fan for years. Todah, Abraham Girl.

That's really funny. I love the idea of Abraham entering a pact after breaking up with someone who's like, all right, we'll break up, but you can't hook up with your old boyfriend. You're like, all right, fine, don't deal. Shit, you don't get to make rules posthumously. You don't even want to do rules in the relationship. Yeah, that shouldn't even be stated if you're still in the relationship, let alone after you break up.

That happens all the time. Whenever you break up, there's just a couple things that the person doesn't want to see you go and do. Of course, everybody agrees to these things, but it doesn't hold any water after the fucking fact. I don't even like the, hey, let's stay as friends thing. That's completely within the two people. Once you start bringing other people, that guy never made a rule.

You never get hit up by somebody a couple months later and they're saying, you said we were going to be friends. Like, oh, well, that's just something I said, you're not hurting your feelings in the moment. I thought we both knew. Yeah, I didn't think we were off to play basketball together on Saturday. You know, shit that I do with my actual friends. Yeah. Oh, God.

So no, you don't owe your ex-boyfriend anything. The one stickiness is the fact that the ex is friends with this guy. Yeah. So he's like, it's kind of sad, but he's like, can you just not fuck my best friend? I just, I don't think I can live with that. I'm down to break up, but promise me you won't fuck my best friend. And that's, I guess I would say that she probably shouldn't have fucked her ex's best friend. That's like a little messy.

That's a sticky. That's a little messy. But it is her best friend. Yeah. If it's, I guess like the three of you guys were best friends and you just fucking everybody, that's fine. Yeah. Now the two guys have to tell the person.

I think that she was allowed to do it. I think it's fine that it happened. I think it's more fucked up on the guy's behalf. Right. Like if your ex-girlfriend fucked me, you'd be more mad at me. Yeah. Because you and I have the relationship that you should respect. Her and I don't have any relationship that needs to be respected.

It's a love triangle, but only two of the nodes are connected. Yeah. It's a love carrot. I guess like it's more up to your, your best friend, the guy that you've been fucking to tell your boyfriend or ex-boyfriend. Or not tell him. Or not tell. But then it's a secret.

I would rather that he knows. Because it's definitely the kind of thing that you, that he might find out and it seems like the longer a secret's been kept, the more it hurts. Oh, I would say the opposite. Like if you found out that I had slept with your ex-girlfriend eight years ago, you wouldn't be that mad. I guess I wouldn't be, no, I wouldn't be like eight years ago is definitely, yeah, that's, that's different.

But it would probably eat at me a little bit. Right. If you found out that I, like you break up with someone today and I hook up with them tomorrow, that would hurt the most. Right. Yeah. Yeah. But I think if I broke up with somebody eight years ago and you, and I found out you started

hooking up with them the day after, maybe I'd still be mad that you kept that secret for so long. Yeah. Has that ever happened to you? A friend hooking up with an ex? I don't think so. Tight. Yeah.

Maybe it has. Not in like a meaningful way. I also have almost never cared about an ex-boyfriend. Have you ever hooked up with a friend's ex? I don't think so. Good dude. Maybe I have. I don't know.

Bollard dude. I've never done it in a way that's like come to a head that I can think of. Yes, dude. Yes, dude. There's somebody out there that's listening, it's like you fucking asshole, Jake. Not even me. Broomhilda, eight foot four, 712 stones. I still love you.

All right, that's it. Post Thanksgiving episode in the books. If you have your own questions, your own theme song submissions, please send that shit over to ifiriushowatgmail.com. The opening theme song was written by Jesse Gold. The closing theme song is written by Lucas. What was your podcast recommendation again? Oh, Twin Innovation.

John Gabers from High and Mighty. Gabers on Twin Innovation and mine was me on Barely Friending. So check them out if you got some more time in your drive and want to listen to more of us. Highly recommend it. While you're washing the old dishes. Wash that dish, bro. All right, we'll be back either Thursday or Monday.

Bye. Ciao. Welcome to If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet, was to buy us a Mamiir and I'm from J. Yeah. There you are. You're welcome. Yeah.

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