If I Were You - 248: Facial (w/Mike Karnell!)

Episode Date: December 5, 2016

Mama Bear and friend Mike Karnell is back on the show to discuss losing weight and saying I love you.Episode is brought to you by MeUndies, Seeso, and Squarespace!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

Monday, December 5th. Can you believe it? It's already the 5th. Of December, by the way. Remember, remember the 5th of December. That's what I was going to say. Thank you to Meondi's for sponsoring this episode. Yeah, dude. We just got on Meondi's fun pack over there.

Yeah, I had some Christmas lights. There are some dope Christmas sweater pattern threads. It's holiday time, which means you do need to get people gifts, unfortunately. That's sort of the rule of the holidays. Gifting and receiving is actually one of my favorite parts of the holidays. It's actually the receiving that I love the most. The giving I can do without. And I often do without.

I haven't given a gift in six years. And I've taken several that weren't supposed to be given to me. What better gift to give to the If I Were You fan in your life than a Meondi, huh? That's like an inside joke that you can wear. And it's comfortable. They have four new styles for December. Snowflake one, the Christmas lights one, the ladybug one. They're all available if you go to Meondi's.com.

And if you go to Meondi's.com slash Amir or slash Jake, you get 20% off your first order. Got to love it. So if you use the coupon code, you can help us out. Then you get the gift, give it to somebody else. We're helping you out. Then they get the underwear. It's like a triple win situation. They've been helped out.

Everybody's been helped out because the comfortable is stylish. Sorry, the underwear is stylish. The underwear is affordable. And the underwear is comfortable. And the style is comfortable. You know, I went home over Thanksgiving this past week. And I wore a pair of old Hanes. What?

And it was abysmal. Yeah. I went to the gym and afterwards I didn't put on Meondi's. I put on a pair of my old underwear that was still in my parents' house. And oh my God. Yeah. It's despicable. It's like wearing a shirt around your crotch.

They were so stretched out and baggy and loose and gross. So upgrade your shit or upgrade a shit for some loved ones in your life. Go to meondi's.com slash Jake or meondi's.com slash Amir for 20% off your first order. Holiday season is upon us. Shipping is free in the US and Canada. Save some money. Get someone a good gift. Support the show.

Support yourself. Enjoy this episode. Colonel was in the house. And I think things got very, very real. Dope. Awesome. Let's get started. You just gotta seize the cheese.

Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese.

Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Shift your shift. Shift your shift. Cookies. Cheese.

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Cheese. Cyberbullying out. That was listen. I respect of the passion for the show, but that was bad, right? We're not gonna just let him that slide actually Let me read this guy's email because it's really funny the guy who wrote and recorded that song said my name is Frankie I can't sing for shit But I wrote this song and wanted to submit it. All right. I got I got respect for Frankie then it is bad It sounds like he recorded it like without wanting anyone in his house Yeah, like he was in a closet sounds a lot like take one to me Franky

I don't see the cheese Nothing I'm on the phone with my fucking friends Remember when you have a had a landline and like you're talking to like maybe a boy or a girl and then you hear like someone Pick up the phone and you're like hang up. I can hear you silently breathing. I know you're listening Remember the fucking crazy shit that you used to do like you would um You would call somebody and then you would the two of you would call somebody else and like so it's call waiting So wouldn't yeah, so like I would call and be like hey

Do you have a crush on Abby and they'd be like you would do that abby's on me fucking? Oh, I didn't do that You never did that you did that like call people and ask about crush it Legal that's illegal. Oh, yeah, you're a fucking punk for that I was talking about like hey call me while I'm on calling a qbc So it's call waiting so the phone doesn't ring It would be me and the Rosenberg twins trying to find out how to get how we're gonna get to the movies and that's it Did you did you guys have a prank call? No, I don't know. I was never a big prank caller because I would just like giggle crank call

You know, I had the crank. I did have the crank anchors physical cd as a kid or jerky boys I yeah, I mean I was never a pranker. I remember I remember doing a prank where I would call Baskin Robbins with my uh No, not Baskin Robbins. I would say I'm Baskin Robbins. We would call people and be like hey for $31,000 Can you name 31 flavors and 31 seconds go? Chocolate strawberry 31 flavors and 31 seconds. Do you know how prepared you'd have to be to get that right cherry vanilla cherry vanilla Med chocolate chip chocolate chip rainbow sherbet orange. Oh, holy shit. He did it. Oh my god. We have you actually have to give him money

I'm sorry. You you win mom. Can I have 31 thousand dollars? And that's the ultimate scheme. Hey, this is if I were you the only advice podcast on the internet Hosted by us. I'm amir jake and we're here with mike carnell. Hello host of his own headgum podcast Twinnovation great show. I do with my two uh our mutual friends and rosamurg twins. That's right And you've been on this show before once before. Yeah, uh, welcome back Happy to be here, bud. Do you remember the first episode we did? Yeah, well, I remember it was right around like the warriors Like losing to the calves. Oh, yeah, it was like a sports question about like an abusive

She's like my boyfriend gets really upset when the warriors lose. I think I'm gonna be fine because they're up 31 And we read it after the finals. We're like, you know, did this like what happened with this relationship? Oh, yeah, you know, I emailed her like, hey, is everything okay and it bounced back I don't know Taylor daemon Got in the way. I realized you were facebooking. It was just one of those memorial walls She then she ended up responding to like, don't worry at the very least he's a huge hillary clinton fan and I've been like What could go wrong?

November 7th Uh, all right. So we got some more questions for more people Uh, the way it works is people are confused scared anxious. So the email jake and I we try to answer their questions as best as we can Sometimes it just does sometimes we have a friend in the house Today we have my roommate for tonight my carnell. Yeah, actually, thank you again for letting me Stay I am gonna be staying with jake tonight just because we have an early departure for our road trip But it's just an early, you know, thank you again for letting me stay no doubt Your uh, your new tv remote is fucking bonkers by the way

I bought a new tv and if you guys haven't bought a tv in the last six months now remotes are like basically another tv It's like a cell phone. It's an iphone 7 plus size. Yeah, it's an android type phone But it's the remote you tried to show me your tv last night and it was dead Yeah, it took it took me an hour to have to charge my remote You can't even turn it on like while you're charging it I can use the actual remote like the cable box remote that i've been using But if I want to ball out and use the android remote, I have to charge it Bullshit, yeah

All right, so this question is from a lady. Do you have a lady's name for us mike priscilla jankins? Holy shit. How long have you been sitting on that gold mine? PJ Oh my god. Whoa easy on the lakwa while recording bud lakwa while while recording lakwa while lakwa No lakwa while lakwa You and I did have a conversation late last night for I think like 15 minutes where you just had your mouth guard in Yeah, it was supposed to be very quick. Like I came in late. I'm like, hey, thanks for letting me stay and then we just ended up talking in the whole time

My grind guard. Did you make fun of it at all? No, I let it slide because we were having a good conversation and good time And I didn't want to like ruin the vibe At first the grind guard was a Like huge sore spot in my life and now like I wake up and I don't want to take it out. I love it Like I don't know it's kind of makes me feel like a basketball player even though my ankle hurts and I can't even walk Yeah, you're not very athletic. My favorite one of my favorite voices that you do is it's not even a voice I guess it's just your actual voice with the grind guard, but you do like

Ultra confident guy with grind guard. That's why I didn't say anything last night because you were just like I was like he hears himself and he knows he's not acting like anything's wrong. Yeah, I just had a lisp for an hour and a half I should do an episode of the podcast with the grind guard. Oh man. Be really funny a hashtag grind guard if you want to see that happen It's trending 30 000 retweets Trending on all of twitter or not even internationally. It could be like a national grind guard What if it's the number one trend on for like at any point during the day when this comes out? Hashtag grind guard. Yeah, will you do it? Yeah, definitely For sure start the campaign now

Uh priscilla jankins. Yes, right. I've been in love with my boyfriend for a couple weeks now and we've been together since august That's right. I plan to tell him. I love you for the first time on his birthday dinner But then I decided I wasn't sure I wanted to say it. I was afraid scared, etc I'm actually writing this now after this all happened. Haha. Anyways, we hadn't seen each other for Jesus Christ, how many lacroys did you have? La Croix. We hadn't seen each other for several days So I'd say we were both horny and DTF the physical and emotional chemistry that we had had led us to a getting intimate And with the L word on my mind. I blurted it out during sex

Oh, no for the first time that'll happen in the moment I said sorry and we didn't stop having sex actually we ended up fucking harder and we had the best sex I've ever had Afterwards while lying next to each other, I did decide to tell him that I do love him. He didn't reciprocate, which is okay I said, I know it's early and I said there are no rules He's had a lot of girls burn him and not many girls have cared for him the way I do And he's just not there yet. I really feel embarrassed and like I messed this whole thing up Did I mess up? Would you be freaked out if you were him? Did I just ruin sex for him now because he's going to equate sex with me having said I love you

This is a really bad first start at love help. By the way, I'm 27 and my boyfriend is 25 This is her first time saying I love you to someone. Uh, I don't know about that But it's definitely the first time she said it to him 25 year old dudes are tough, dude They want to just be living it up very few 25 year olds want to be locked down That's it's a scary thing if you don't love someone to hear that Because then it's like it goes from like I can break up with this person and sort of be all right to like oh, shit I'm gonna hurt this person. Yeah, they love me. I don't even love me When somebody's like uses the word love like when somebody's in love with you it

It almost like elevates you to this this position that you didn't want You have you hold too much power the whole deer. I don't think she fucked up though I'm I think that like it's totally I think that it's not even close as serious as she thinks it is She's she I can understand why she thinks it's the biggest deal I totally get it because she actually loves this person and is worried that she's going to lose him I think That it's fine. And if like I would just not bring it up ever again Including ever saying I love you ever like don't like see like see what happens in the next few weeks. Yeah

Well now yeah now he knows your feelings. So you don't need to like the worst thing you do is pressure him to say I love yeah So you said it you can stop saying it for now Now he knows it's in the ether. I also do you think he would do you think they fucked Really good because he was trying so hard to come and get out of there that he was just like going He was just like going as hard as he could Oh He's like I gotta get out of here or his good sex for her the opposite. It's like wow it lasted forever. He was so emotionally

distant Oh, he probably got caught when she said I love you he probably got caught up I was like fuck. Yeah, somebody loves me because you know you get you're at 100 confidence when you're fucking But if he didn't say back then That's not a great sign because that's like when you're at your most emotionally invested It's tough to spring that on people man Well, she said I'm sorry right after I don't know if I would like if somebody said I love you then I said sorry I wonder if I would keep on fucking it's such a big moment

But I don't quite do you remember like your I love you is your first I love you For some reason I don't I refuse to tell christen robine that I love you're in high school. Wow I like how are you going out with her? Um Summer going into college. I'd like just lost like 50 60 pounds was like you're looking good It's looking good. How'd you do that? We had uh, I just like Started running like three miles a day and only eating chicken and broccoli and like no carbs for like a year

Interesting. It's funny when people ask like, oh you lost 50. How did you do that? Like, what's your secret? Stop eating like a fucking raccoon? I had a bad year of never eating delicious things and I lost 60 pounds But we well, I mean it's a pretty complicated history the history would like my the first girl that I fucked You know it I like basically like slept with jake and I both's former ex best friends Ex-girlfriend ex best friends ex-girlfriend. Yeah, and this happened, you know, once she became our girlfriend So he became an ex best friend. Oh, so you started dating a friend's ex He thought that we were hooking up like I didn't like her they were dating

He was like you should be nice to her. I was nice to her and was hanging up He thought that we were hooking up and like we almost got in a full fist fight on a train On the t on the way home from a red sox game that we all went to Like a full shoving match almost got in a fist a fist fight and I was like, fuck you dude I'm not doing anything and then it turns out she was trying to fuck me and I didn't realize it And so we weren't friends and all of my friends told me to like fuck her I said no Not until I was like if you're not going out with Matt, I'll think about

But so basically this drove him insane and he like dumped her and then was like Spreading rumors and lies about me. So I was like, all right I'm just gonna like fuck this girl that you're telling everyone. I already fucked that we get so many questions like this situation Yeah, I was like, well, if you're gonna tell everyone I'm fucking her. I'm just gonna fuck her dude. How do you like that? I've heard that before I do like them apples. Yeah, okay. Fine. I'll just do it the rumor informed the reality So then we dated for a while But and she said I love you and I just like refused because I knew it was exactly what you said I knew that I didn't love her and I was like a freshman in college

I was like, yeah, I'm trying to fucking go nuts here. Are you crazy? I just lost all this weight. I'm trying not trying to get Locked down So I was just like I want to see me get fat again. I didn't chicken for you. Yeah You think I like broccoli? I was just like, I would say it. She's like, I was like, I won't say it I like don't I was like, I don't I've told someone I don't love you So they'll be like, I love you and you're like, I don't I don't love you. I don't think yeah I've never ever responded to I love you with like well, not me, but I had to dude You got in trouble once for reciprocating in the moment. Oh, yeah

Yeah, what do you mean? Uh, someone said I first name it. Give me a first name Middle initial and or so. Give me a freaking first name. Can I mouth it to you? Yeah, you I don't think you'll remember Can you just edit this out and I'll say your name? Wait, can you bleep it? Well, I don't want to I don't I might forget I don't want to put any extra work Yeah, yeah This is a real intimate moment Jake and Mike have now left the room. Oh, right. Oh, right. Oh, yeah. Okay. Yeah, I wasn't I wasn't I wasn't really

I don't think I was living in LA or you were doing your own thing. I remember I said it first Yeah, I I didn't I was so overwhelmed in emotion. Well at the time we were like First We're on drugs and we're at a major and we were at a major laser concert And major laser said grab somebody and tell them you love them We were like dancing and I just said it because I don't know How many times have I told you don't listen to major laser? You don't always do what major laser tells you to do if major laser told you to jump off a bridge

And they will in their next my now fiance the first time I told her I loved you I was with you rolling my face off on molly. Where was it at that house party? I like flew in I was gonna say I love you that week and I like planned it. I like flew in how long were you together? Not that long like maybe like maybe like three months So that party was it I flew into brooklyn. We started at jake or jeff and amir's old place Oh above the chocolate factory. That's right. They were still there And then we went to a house party and I was like, I'm gonna say it the molly fucking popped in And I was just like, you know, I remember going to you

So I was peaking I was peaking And I just like grabbed her face. I was like, I fucking love you and then she said it back I was like made out and I was just like great. Wow, that's a great, but it was on molly But it was like totally I was planning on doing it anyway So it was like all good and then what about like the next like the next day What do you say to like at night in the morning? It's great. You keep saying it's great. It was awesome It feels really good. It feels really good when someone reciprocates it and you don't have to worry about that

When you break the seal and you're both saying it that's a beautiful thing when you say it and somebody's like Uh, I'll get back to you. Yeah, what a weird moment. I think that she's gonna be okay. I would just like not bring it up Yeah, and like the worst thing that you could do now is dwell Yeah, it's to dwell and to like pressure this person into saying it when they don't Feel it. It'll only be a big deal if she makes it a big deal. That's correct He did it's not like he's gonna like forget. He's basically hoping that she doesn't bring it up for a while Would you say be well? Don't dwell. Yeah, that's a good advice. You do well. Not to dwell for sure Do well. Don't dwell be well done. Dwell

Priscilla Priscilla Jenkins. So PJ chill out Let's get a guy's name. Okay, um Um Roy Matherson, wow very cool Roy math and that's all his first name, right? Roy Matherson, let me cut right to the chase. I'm in quite a moral quandary I was on bumble today and who do I stumble bumble upon? That's right. My best friend's current girlfriend This of course immediately brings up the moral dilemma swipe right or swipe left

Neither in utter disbelief. I anxiously closed the app Uh, this itself might have been a mistake as I closed the app before obtaining proof of this girl's possible transgression. That's stupid You guys, what do I do? Do I tell my best friend his girlfriend might be searching for a sordid affair without being able to prove my case with hard empirical evidence? And risk the chance that he doesn't believe me or worse yet potentially believes there's some Maleficent motivator behind my confession Or do I wait to see if I can find her again on the app acquire that sweet sweet evidence?

Or should I not say anything at all? You got to look out for your boy on this one and get that screenshot dog So you two would you say before if you saw go back on there find her Do not leave the app until you find her get the screenshot and tell your boy So you wouldn't tell your boy before the screenshot if he really likes her. He's not going to want to believe it That's really to the point where you wouldn't even tell him What about just like taking her phone at some point and stealing it? Yeah

And being like what is this and then she's like we're looking to find a girl so that I can Fuck your two fucking fiat. Oh, yeah. I mean there's also plenty of reasons that people in relationships have those apps Right like they could be too theatrical to grab her phone. I think yeah You want to sort of steal it in a quiet moment rather than you just Yeah, you have a nice moment be like hey man. Are you in so-and-so cool? Is it going all right? Yeah, why did you see her on Bumble? I knew you wouldn't believe me without a screen grab. She's on a bubble date right now She's on her way here to meet me

So you say you got to find her again. Have you if you use these apps where you I don't really I put together what Bumble was during the story. I didn't know what it was. Wow. What is it tinder? It's basically tinder. What's the difference? Uh guy can't message the girl first That's that's cool. Yeah, that's an interesting wrinkle. That's actually yeah It's just like a better tinder for girls But if he's in a huge safe place if he's in a huge city, there's a chance he might not ever find this woman again It's not a fast of a sea. Well, they also got the mutual friend thing That probably doesn't usually bump people up to the front of your cue. I'm just saying there's a possibility

He can't if he doesn't tell him right now Then he can never bring it up for the rest of his life Then he dies with that secret as far as I'm concerned You could plant the seed in this friend. Just be like, hey, I think I saw your girlfriend on Bumble. Isn't that weird? Do you want to do some investing in this? Is that insane or did I do that? You could be like, yo, you should just like I mean, you never promote snooping, but at this point she's a known. What about a little photoshopped cheater? Here's what you do. You photoshop it and then it's a picture that she doesn't use

So he shows her like is this your bumble profile picture and then she could be like, no, that's not even my main profile picture And he's like, how did you know That either how do you know your actual profile? Then she's caught in the act of theatrical And then ideally it's on a stage so you could spotlight her Raise the house lighters. Here's all the guys who have swiped right on you. Boyfriend's alone in the audience clapping Well On core She's just like, all right, I'm gonna dump you. Wait, wait, wait. No, it makes a lot of sense

I love you. I went through all way too much trouble instead of talking to you dropped to five g's renting the theater out Speaking of we have to get out of here. There's an afternoon show of lay miss There's a really there's a line between like if you were to rank all your friends between how close you are and how far you Are from like best friend all the way down to acquaintance. Yeah, where would you draw the line of? I tell this person that I see it's a good question seven probably After that, it's not my fucking business and I'm not like here to get into your so where do I land? I'm dating. I would definitely tell you 100% if I was dating someone you would and you saw her you would have told me Yeah, I won't tell you your exact number, but suffice it to say you're in the area where I would tell you

That means I'm a seven or a higher or higher set between seven and ten No, you would have said higher. No, man. Come on because I think you're dead seven I'm the bar. I don't think you could tell people who are like fucking acquaintances, right like would you tell Marty? I would tell you guys Yeah, that's all the closest seven or higher. No, Marty doesn't listen to this. He's like fuck. I'm a six That's the best he could be Marty could be right under me for all I guess I would know I would tell Marty We're tight. We're cool. Mm-hmm, right Marty. Why aren't you answering Marty? You tell me, right?

No All right, that's well, what's your number Jake? Um, what's your cutoff? I probably start doing what you said like Tell tell people that are close enough that they would be the right person to like let somebody know Yeah, case by case. Yeah, it's hard to say. I mean, it's gonna come back to you though. If the shit goes hits the fan Yeah, I mean, it's we told you that I guess it's fucking Jake. I can also throw it I can also see a world where I just didn't know what the fuck he's talking about He's a whore. Can you also see a world where you're just like, oh, I'll just swipe left and pretend I didn't see anything

Now my life is just as dramatic not from my boys that are from seven to ten, dude I always got your back. Is it possible that it's that it's just a girl that looks like that girl? It's possible Well, I know they think same name name name name. It's only first name though first name and age and looks like her I mean, you gotta take a screenshot like it's not a bomb. It's not gonna explode take a screenshot the first time Idiot you're an idiot In conclusion, you're fucked up. Now get back there and get the evidence. Mike says go back get the evidence. Jake, what do you say? Uh, I think I'm forward going back and getting the evidence But if you can't I think you can say to your if it's your best friend you could say straight up. I saw

Your girlfriend on bumble. Yeah, I like I think I could come to you straight up. Yeah, and I wouldn't be like prove it I would probably take you at your word. Yeah, I'd be like don't make that come on, man I have the screenshot, but I don't want to have to show it. In fact, I'm gonna delete it as a joke I need you to just go break up with your girlfriend with no evidence dude. Just come on. Let's hit this road trip and let's Don't don't look at the grid and don't come back. That is a tough little prisoner's dilemma. Uh, I think I What do you do? I think if it was best friend You got to just say what number do you cut off at I cut off at 10

You wouldn't tell a nine out of 10 that there's significant other if someone's a nine out of 10 your friends with your without evidence No, I don't tell them well, but in this situation You have that you're the one that saw it because there's a chance that they are closer to their lady than they are to me I'm only nine out of 10. Yeah, nine out of 10. So you wouldn't tell me. I'm assuming I'm not a 10 You wouldn't tell me if you saw my fiance like fucking that's a little that's a little different because I know your fiance too So I would definitely not tell you. Oh my god, dude. You're fucking. Hey guess who just got bumped into a five Whoa, I'm still in the top half. Yeah, you're not a bad guy. You'll let me crash It's just morally gray now. I'm gonna let you bad things happen to you and not protect you like the squirrel

I'm gonna fuck your girlfriend, man All right, cool. Let's take a break. Thanks some sponsors We'll be back with more mic after this This show is sponsored by better help. Thank you better help if you're finding yourself in a difficult anxious Stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place and It's not necessarily easy to find a therapist

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You can get 10 off your first month So the prices are already affordable because you're not paying rent for a building somewhere that you have to drive to and wait In a waiting room. This is done entirely online, but you're still getting professional licensed help And it's extra affordable. That's better help HELP.com slash if I were you check them out. Thanks better help Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Wow For years and years and years we've been ranting and raving about Squarespace because it's the best way

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Or I guess dedicated to anyone else in your life. Maybe you want to give somebody a gift this Season a summer birthday coming up. Who doesn't want a website? So the best way to do that is to go to squarespace.com Slash if I were you for a free trial and when you're ready to launch just use that offer code If I were you to save 10 off your first purchase of a website or domain Again squarespace.com slash if I were you free trial. Everything looks good. Let's launch it Uh, just use that offer code if I were you to save 10 off that first purchase. Thank you Squarespace Hey, we are back. We are back. Uh, we were just talking about john gabers' episode on

Twinnovation on our episode last year shitter shredder. Yeah, his shitter shredder idea. The whole episode was great We already promoted it recommended it, but let's do it again. Thanks for the bump. No doubt And I think we can even put There's a really funny stretch of a few minutes in there that we'll put at the end of this episode to let your appetite So that you can go back and listen to gabris on twinnovation Because I think it's high common. Yeah, and like the so we everyone the three of us me the rosenbergs and this time gabris Take a turn pitching inventions, right? We go around and pitch our one invention for the week And this was gabris talking about like his

Invention, which is like well It was like watching a witnessing a perfect game It was such a fun. He's the perfect compliment because He's like another like I need someone to balance me out. Otherwise. I'm like I'm I'm I shouldn't be the top dog And I consider myself the top dog It was so nice. I like had a bigger brother in the room. Yeah, it's not really good I mean it was your own twin for the day. Yeah Yeah, it really was like two sets of twins and we well

We all realized the four of us on air realized that our favorite fruit is wings And then we recorded gabris's podcast right after that, which isn't released yet. I think it will be when this comes out It's an hour and 15 minutes of just wing talk And we order wings and eat wings and now we have a text that where whenever we eat wings We send each other photos and talk about what's good and bad changed the group name to the wingdings Oh, that's probably a good idea. There's no group name, but we should I texted gabris as I was listening to your show and it's like this episode of twinnovation is Amazing and he wrote back. He's like, yeah, I love all those guys, especially carnell

We were like super we're just we just clicked dude. He's just like my brother. Yeah, that's awesome I heard you say that story to jevney's that you said, especially jev. Oh, yeah, and I said the same thing You said especially jev to davie Shit, what were we talking about earlier that I was like this could be a good story for the podcast I was telling you about that squirrel. Yeah, you had a fear of squirrels I don't trust them They're not to be trusted They're like fucking fat rats

Always hiding a corn. They're fat rats that can climb. It is funny that we're so afraid of rats If I saw a rat in my backyard, I'd be like, holy shit. What the fuck is a rat doing? If you saw a big rat, you'd you know why we're so afraid. But if it had a bushy tail, it's fine If it has wings, we're good because it can fly away. It'll bite you and you'll get the plague Oh, but squirrels don't have that and I think they do too. That's why I don't trust them We don't know. They won't tell us what they have They won't tell us for Christ's sake. Squirrels never gone on record. What is big squirrel hiding? Uh, all right, do you want to answer some more questions? Yeah, I loved I loved the first half

Hell, yeah, I don't like that. You're sipping on that laquah again. You know, you know, it's bubbling up Can you tap my back until I spit out? No laquah while you're laquarding That's good All right, another lady's name It'll fingers up another lady's name. Jesse Abernath Not Abernathy. No, just Abernath. They dropped the Y at Ellis Island. I like that. Let's Jewish for sure Uh, hi there a few weeks ago. My best friend's cousin came to visit her for a week I ended up hooking up with him on the first night of the visit as he's a very affectionate guy

We ended up hooking up more and acted sort of coupling cuddling handholding etc for the rest of the week Now he's gone home. He's in the uk. I'm in canada and he texts me 24 7 he calls me every day He seems to think like we're in some sort of crazy ldr relationship, which I did not agree to so here's my question Jesus christ How do you break up with someone from across the ocean when you weren't even dating them to begin with? I can't just ghost because he's my best friend's cousin and they're really tight help Uh, love the show. Uh, what's her name? Jesse Abernath. Jesse Abernath

Uh, I mean, I've ever been on either side of this thing instant love affection. I broke up with member michelle Yeah, I broke up with her We were doing long distance. Yeah, but that was like a serious thing. We like we are gonna be long distance Did you ever like accidentally back into a long distance thing? How about your current relationship that's also started long distance, but I loved it That was remember we were in israel and there was that girl that I like spent a couple days hooking up with It's like camp for grown-ups you meet someone on this tattoo on my wrist I met on a trip when we went to uh, poland to visit eddie. Really? I like spent five days courting this girl joanna

Did it work? Uh, we made out we didn't couldn't fuck jeff kind of like me and jeff had a big fight It was me and jeff visiting poland And we had a like he had he went nuts one night and we liked her. No, he was just like being a fucking jerk Uh, and he like purposely sabotaged my plans No, he was we we like talked it out the next day because we had to travel together and I was like, what's your fucking I was like, that's fucked up, dude. Jesus christ. We're all good. Sometimes your boys like let you down But it's truly bliss when you're on like a week vacation. Yeah, and I remember I went back

We like as we were living in israel I was like talking to this girl about like, oh, you're gonna come and visit me in brooklyn like and then And then we're like texting and emailing me. She's like, are you gonna like, uh kiss anybody else while you're i'm afraid You're gonna kiss other people on your back in new york and I was like, oh record scratch definitely i'm gonna I am I'm kissing someone right now the birds that are flying in the air just take a swan dive into the ocean That's straight into the pavement that same poland trip jeff and I this sounds fucked up I might have told us on streeter's podcast. We like picked up a girl at oschwitz. What?

Like I like I like I hooked up with her but like we like like flirted with her and brought her back to like Our place in poland you flirted with someone at a concentration camp. She was on our tour and You know I tried to squash life out of people in it. So it's it's nice incredibly respectful during the tour There's absolutely no flirting or anything But there's one bus from crack out to the to oschwitz. Jesus Christ. There's one bus and this like after our tour This bus didn't show up and like it's kind of raining and you can't really complain about it

Like kind of raining on you at oschwitz because like they didn't even get worse. They didn't even get to wear shoes Like they took their shoes That is the worst thing about oschwitz the fact that they were barefoot the whole time So we kind of like cuddled we kind of like walked over to her because we'd been standing there for an hour And you're like, hey, what's up like we're like what's your deal? She's from finland and we're like, we're just gonna get a cab before it's too late So we can just get home and we'll just pay for it like whatever Do you want to join with us since we're all going back to crack out?

She's like totally and we took this like weird taxi ride through like polish villages the cab drivers like Showing me photo albums like while he's driving with his knees and like Jeff's in the backseat not knowing what's going on And I'm like freaking out because it's like rainy small car We get back and convince her to not take her train out of town Come out drinking with us. It's like 1938 all over again Yeah, so she came out drinking and then like we tried to bring her back to eddie's apartment Oh boy, which was like a studio apartment. He was already sharing with his boyfriend at the time Then the two of us were crashing and we brought a third person

He's like get the fuck out of here So we like kind of hooked up outside the apartment and then she like went back to the train station But she messaged me On facebook and it was just like very it was like and we're together She was like, are you going to come to finland and visit me? I was like, no But did you say no or are you like, yeah, I was like, yeah, sometimes you should come to you should come to la It's nice and warm. So that's the thing. Does this person deserve hard truth. She should she be like, listen, man It's not going to happen with us. I mean the texting I was going to say that you could ghost this person

Even though they're friends with or you're whatever the cousin. Yeah, how close are cousins? We'll talk about it. She basically still feels a connection like this guy can Still reach her through the cousins. I think you can just respond less and less and maybe at some point Your friend is going to be like, hey, are you looking to worry about you're saying fade away? Yeah, I'm saying to fade away. Definitely fade away. See, I would say There was just sort of the difference between us. I would say just like, hey, I can't really do this right now And then like that cuts it off But there was never anything to not do. No, but but he for whatever reason he got that feeling

Well, yeah, sure he got that feeling and he's trying to set up set this precedent of we're gonna talk this much and I can call you right and you just fucking Stonewall you set the you set the different precedent that you respond to one text every two days And that you don't answer any calls. No, I think that'll get him upset and he'll like who cares if he's upset No, I would say you're one. Do we owe this to brony? I think you send him one You send him one uncomfortably long text like hey, listen, I know that we had an awesome time I don't know if I could keep talking to you. I feel like what we had is done blah blah blah

However, you want to phrase it, but I can't really respond to you that much You know, that's a weird text to send maybe but then he gets the message instantly and he stops texting as much Yeah, but like whatever just like ignore him. Don't even put in the effort Yeah Two options. I'm a hundred percent down to not even drafted. And when the cousin comes when the cousin comes you can be like Hey, yeah, I'm sorry. I like he was like literally texting me and calling me all day And I didn't want to hurt his feelings. I didn't know what to do. He you're close to him Uh, if it makes you feel better, I'll send him a text telling him like how I feel

But I figured it was easier since he lives in a across a fucking ocean for him to move on But that'd be like if he comes and visits the cousin again, you don't want to have like broken up with it Yeah, let him smash when he comes in. Yeah. Yeah, but it's not a breakup. It's just a pause Yeah, and then that if that cousin I think you hit pause without ever actually touching the button I think the movie will end and stop and rewind and it's gonna go Yeah, and it's gonna go back to the home screen if that cousin comes to you if that cousin comes to you Just be like, hey, I like had a good time blah blah blah Leave it be soft with it. Don't cut it off. So when he comes back to the canada, he can smash dude

Uh, all right. What did we call this lady? I forget already. They fuck for a week. They must have some chemistry Hey, um, I believe what was the name? Ashley Tabernath. It was Jesse Tabernath. Jesse Abnernaf. Jesse Abnernaf. Jesse Abnernaf All right, we have time for one more question if you don't have to leave us quite yet. All right, let's do it I mean, no, I'm hanging out with you guys. Hell. Yeah Uh, this is one last guy Okay from Toronto if it helps from Toronto Uh, whoo whoo whoo whoo. Dimitri McMullen

Was that bad? Are you mad at me? That's obviously somebody in my life Wronged me. That's Amir's childhood best friend who died tragically When you shoved him into a subway Oh, come on get over it. Let's call him Dimitri McFucking Nugget Uh, this is a really good question. Are you guys excited? Oh, yeah. All right. This one's gonna be good I have a question that might be a tad too crude or rude for the podcast. Whoa I really have no one else to go to help for this

Long story short. I want to give my girlfriend What do you guys think? I I'm scared. You're gonna say a disease A facial No, not a spa facial the type you give a dime with your god-given sausage I am a legit day one fan And I don't think I ever have a question with a more important topic One is this normal to want two. Am I sick three? Will she be mad at me for asking four? Have you ever done it? Ayo, Jake. I'm looking at you. Hashtag. Yes, dude

If so, how would you go about asking to do this or even doing it to give you guys some context? We have been in a serious relationship for three years. We're both 27 and we have sex very often I can't go to any of my close friends for fear of it coming back to her because we all share the same friends My dudes, please help me with this. Hopefully Sticky situation. That's a tough stitch because when your friends know your girl You can't be like, I want to comb on my girls because every time they see her face. It's gonna be like can't good fucking luck Yeah, that's a tough one. Uh ps this has nothing to do with disrespecting your domination

I know some people would think that we have a very loving respecting relationship The last thing I would want or anyone to think is that this is about disrespecting or degrading her. I just find it so damn hot Yes, yeah, but that stems from like a dominant like it's okay to For yeah, it's okay to be like if you're into dominant stuff like that's okay. Yeah, you're just saying This is a fetish. He's saying that but it's dominant fetish. Yeah. Yeah She just doesn't want to but they're like you can trace lots of dominant stuff Like it's okay doggy style is kind of like a dominant dominant not negative as long as you're as long as the other person's like comfortable And into right right as long as it's consensual dominance. Uh, do you feel comfortable answering the question?

Have you ever done this? Um, I have done it to like one of my uh, like an earlier girl. I slept it's like fucking weird No It's like, you know, it's just not it's kind of like when someone titty fucks you for the first time You're like, oh porn lied like this isn't even cool. At least that's my opinion I thought that like titty fucking was the biggest letdown for me as a teenager Completely agree on titty fuck. Oh really? I disagree but I thought it was great. It's what fucking is to me That's like the biggest waste of oh my god. Jesus christ

Set up that porn did when I was but it's so weird because when you watch porn that was the best But when you got titty fucked and liked it, I didn't get what does it mean to get titty fuck? They put their boobs together and they make a tight service like them Yeah, I mean they or they could titty fuck you It's oh, I see, you know them. What are you thinking with I was thinking of them doing it to my titties Right. No Them doing what to your titties fucking me who's fucking well, that's why I was confused. You said somebody titty fucked you Yeah, they took their that's like that makes them your think that like my dick is going between his chest

Right, but I guess you say they a woman can titty fuck a guy with her titties The weird thing is when you watch porn like it looks like they're amazing at titty fucking Like it looks like that's because they're like drenched in oil Yeah, like it's but they do an effective job because it's slick but like in real life You're not covered in oil You're like if you're a teenager you're in a fucking pass in your car seat Someone's like spitting on your dick and like trying to make it just doesn't feel good It does it and like at the very best it like feels pretty good for like three strokes

And then like somebody loses control of an appendage and just go to the vagina anyway Uh, so you said you did it. You don't like it. No, it's just weird. It's like I mean also the person I did it with wasn't like it was like my idea like this kid But I was like a teenager and and I thought you know porn like Porn really fucks up the first like three years or you're fucking Yeah, like you really think that some things are getting pulled. Porn's fucked up all of my fucking forever. Yeah, you got to lay off the porn Yeah Porn stuff doesn't work when you did it. Did she ask you or you asked her?

Um, I think like in the heat of the moment. I was like I like a dominant move and I was like, you know, can I I don't want to I don't remember what I said, but I bet you it wasn't like I don't want people to hear it Because it's a really uncomfortable subject to broach, but it's like, uh It's just not cool They have it's like on their face and they have to clean up and if they're not suit They're girls that are super into it. I'm sure but right. I mean not I think I think few and far between I think it has to be on them

It has to be them broaching it It has to be them asking and if he's in such a like a respectful and friendly relationship If he ash he'll probably say yes Just because out of like trust and love what if you wait for the yellow light, which is her asking Is there anything you would like? Well, that's what I that's so that's what I'm gonna say I think I think try trying to like do it in the heat of the moment is like If it works then it's then it's like that's real nice. It's like hitting uh, that's what's that's a grand slam

You can pull it off. If you can pull it off degree of difficulty. Yeah, if you can do it You're gonna win the goal. There's like it seems like there's a pretty high risk of like, oh like I'm gonna come on your face. It's like oh Get the fuck out of here. Do you know you're not you are So I think the way to broach it is to say like what are your fantasies? Is there anything that you want to like anything that I can set her up, dude So like for example with me, I'd love to come on your face Well, what you're doing like that for you want to come on your face. All right, that's not fair

This is not something that has to actually be manipulative because just like you have a fantasy that You'd love to see fulfilled. She probably does too. So you can you should a one for one. Yeah, you should So you should find out what what her deepest darkest secret fantasy is and see if you can fulfill It's also very healthy to explore. Yeah, and when she asks what yours is You let her know and you don't have to do it with any sort of expectation like when I tell you this will happen What are you ashamed of like wanting to do this the expectation should be that you can tell her without being judged What do you think the male equivalent is of her saying to him? All right, you can give me a facial, but I want you this is my fantasy and then it's like sitting on his face

Or squirting in his face, but that's so literal. I'm talking about something that's equally as like kind of Dominant or a little bit shameful egg. Oh like getting faggots a little fucking fart. I don't know I think I think that's too far. Maybe like fingering his ass or something. What about blowing a dildo? Blowing blowing it something. Oh, that's interesting So like if she wears a dildo and she gets to basically simulate what it would be like for him to have it That's fucking real intense But that's quite the jump. I don't think you think that's comp because I don't think it's I don't think it's healthy Like I'm gonna undergo this awful thing. So you have to do something awful. Then this relationship is this weird

Trade off of like, all right fine. You humiliate me. I can pound you. No, I'm not saying he should do this or like I'm just asking a high. I think I like whatever she wants to do What you're what are you what you're saying is that there should be some sort of equivalency Like yeah, but I think it might be a lot less shameful Well, I don't think that's fine. If we you know, we're great to do it It's we don't we don't judge that there's no shame. It's not viewed as shameful I think we're agreeing to do this as a couple All right, like this is something that this guy really really wants to try to do what something that she really wants to do

She got squirted in his face Squirted in his face. I've seen that. When they love somebody they want. When you love someone you kind of you want to stop googling it Uh, see there is this so maybe the best advice is to say hey I got this fantasy. What's yours? Yeah, I want to know. No. No. No. No. What's your fantasy to see? And I would go so far as to say what's your fantasy without like Saying yours first and he let it come back to you. Dimitri should go into this. It's going to be so it's going to be so

Transparency is like why do you have one? Well, I mean I have a bunch It's so easy to sell like oh with you. I have a million. I have there's a million things I want to do it Dimitri should go into this knowing that there's like a I mean at best 50 50 shot that this works Yeah, I think I think uh most girls Would only do it because they love you and they know that you like it I don't think that very few will actually like it. That being said, I think that having a fetish for I'm lucky that this is not one of my fetishes. Oh, thank god

but having this type of fetish is like It's probably better than you know, like really wanting to Uh, like fuck someone in the ass because that's not just like a dominating thing. That's like a pain thing. That's like, uh You have to work necessarily a pain thing. You have to like work to get it done. You gotta work We can work from home. Yeah, this is like it's more about like clean up and I think probably reassuring somebody that it's not like A humiliation thing just imagine that's like the real life. Have you done this? Did you answer the question? You know, I have you have I mean it's it's weird because it's not like a porn where you're like Expecting it or the girls like in porn. They're pretending that they like it. You're like in the dark

There's only moonlight you like stand up and like come on her face And then it's just like quiet and she's like all right And then like has to go to the bathroom and watch her come off her face It's what's happening to me in like different ways where mom turned it off Oh, fuck every good mom Your mom too jakes mom turned it off They're sipping tea drinking like listening together one time where it was like She asked like while it looked like while we were hooking up like do you want to come on my face?

Oh, then you go for that. That's a green light. You gotta take that. As soon as you finish that sentence I was coming. Yeah, and then like you gotta take that. It was just like maybe during a blowjob instead of coming in somebody's mouth And they didn't want to turn around with their mouth. Yeah, it was just like You know angled towards their face and it like wasn't anything. I was almost incidental. Yeah What about it's fine to have dominant fetishes. It's not like I think it's so much fucking sexier to like come inside Something it feels a million times to that. This is like the exciting alternate I am used to coming inside people's mouth and I still would choose it over What about doing it in a shower? I feel like that's the easiest cleanup

How the fuck are you gonna get to her to your dick level in the shower? How big your shower? Oh, you have a big shower Thanks, man. That's nice. I feel like the shower thing. That's a silver bullet if she says no based only on cleanup And I feel like all right, it's a rare scenario It happens on your face and then instant. Yeah, but cum gets all weird when it gets wet It gets like white and like harder and like gross You gotta use a lot of it's like worse. It gets it doesn't get like gummy when it's wet for you guys It doesn't yeah, it's not it doesn't hold up well when you like jerk off in the shower And then you if it's like happens to be in your hand, which is fine

Which is fine. Nobody's judging. It gets like it changes consistency. I didn't know that actually. Yeah. Yeah, it does Good to know. That'd be even worse in the shower. Anyway, so that's our advice slash DIY science experiment idea for you guys What was our final advice? Just like broach the subject Honestly, yeah, or either don't say anything or bring it up as like a conversation about various fetishes Hey, let's have a conversation about what turns us on maybe if there's like her birthday is coming up or I know what I want to give you Or if there's a valentine's day you then you're like, hey, it's your birthday. I'm gonna do whatever you want So then when your birthday rolls around

There's a little reciprocation. It sounds a little manipulative, but that's what I'm saying where like it really doesn't have to be because you should also Uh, truly want to Fuck your girlfriend in a way that she wants to yeah, it's worthwhile to know. It's worthwhile to know You're saying do you give this an equal 50-50 shot like Mike does? I think if he does it the right way, there's 100% 100? Not him describing his relationship. I him specifically I want to change mine to like 90% because I bet that if he asked and she really loves them

She'll be like if you really like that. Yeah, she's gonna let you do it. She's we're gonna 100 is high. Don't say 90 90 What do I got riding on this anyway? I'll say 100. Jake, no It's happening. We're getting sued. He has to break up your honor Sorry, he said if you love me there was 100 chance the esteemed court Jake herwood said 100% My client did not I tried on his girlfriend's face. I tried to tell him 90% he wouldn't listen Mike's crying in the crowd We find you defending guilty

Of misstatistically representing the Lock him up a bunch of Gelmates coming out my face in the shower Oh, it's hardening up It's changing consistency. I mean it was right. They're gummy worms Uh, all right. Thanks Mike for coming on the show Hey, thanks for having coming on our face. Thanks for coming on the show If you have your own questions or your own theme song submissions that email address for everything is if I were you show at gmail.com

Again, Mike anything you want to plug beside your podcast. Uh, Jake and I are going on a little road trip right now So you want to plug the road trip that we'll have already commenced finished. I should say before Yeah, but you can go back and like all of our grams. We're gonna go do a little california road trip That's dally yosemite sanfran in back. Is this my carnell? Are you almost safe? Is that your name? Yeah, that's my name. It's my carnell instagram. Yeah, it's instagram. It's my carnell Is your name Mike carnell? I should really know before we go to yosemite

The opening theme song again was written by frankie. Oh, you know what? I never quite He did want to plug something and I totally I totally dismissed. What is pluggy? It could not have been a soundcloud pitch. Uh, yeah, he said he doesn't he doesn't he's he doesn't do music obviously But his his instagram handle is frankie Becerra you if you can't pronounce my last name pretend the c is an s b e c e r r a frankie becerra So if you guys like that song so much you want to see frankie becerra's Oh, that's for a frankie. I'm sorry. You love this music so much that you need to see his photo What if like me you're like that's bad

And you don't have to follow on it. Oh, okay. Thank you follow my carnell And this closing one is written by cameron. Here we go. Cameron. Yeah, the the rapster. This is amazing Dipset dipset who does have a soundcloud page soundcloud.com slash cameron hyphen williams hyphen m Okay, he's actually a beat maker less than a rapper. Anyway, enjoy the song. Thanks for coming on the show mike Thanks for listening everybody and we'll be back next week. Oh also gaber's episode right now Oh, yeah, yeah, I was gonna put john gaber's on to innovation a little taste a little teaser of it At the end put it before the song before the song. Come on, dude. I'll do it now and then the song Yeah, all right. Okay, we'll do it right now. Here's a clip from our to innovation episode with johnny gaber's

Where he talks about the shitter shredder Yeah, well, I don't have a problem with my shit like I haven't taken a solid shit since I was like 11 So I don't have to worry about getting the shit down. It's the paper that always fucks me up. Okay. Yeah, I mean, I'm uh, I'm pretty thick I'm pooping pretty but the squatty potty just shoots it right at him Yeah, I I bought the squatty potty and I barely need it because I just am always just like This is how I describe how I shit if you ever watch the deadliest catch When they pull the net up over the boat and they just like pull the thing open and open Crabs and boots and shit fall out like in one big shot. That's me

I have a my the window of my bathroom. I have my own bathroom in my house. Thank god save my marriage But I have a window right there that goes out to the street and one time I went in there Drop my I was like one of those like barely made it in like just dropped And it was like shitting as I squatted and it came out like a fucking sneeze it literally was like Like that and I heard people go. Oh that we're walking by on the street. It made such a loud noise. They're like, oh Oh So it operates right as you flush a bunch of birds flew out of a tree

If there was like a fucking bomb went off. So somewhere someone was watching a water cup shake But you have you have a his and her bathroom off of your Yes, we have we have a Off of the master bedroom. We have a master bath and mine is the sin bin as we call it Sarah and I just moved to a place with two bathrooms changed. It's literally saved our lives because When you're married and live with a girl for a really long time the It rarely happens, but once every three months your shit lines up with their shower And it's like the worst part of your marriage is when you have to go cover your ears cover your nose

I'm just I can't stop you can either get out right now. Yeah, or I'm coming in exactly I mean, I've pissed in my sink a bunch of time back when I lived in brooklyn Yeah, or pissed in a pint glass and then poured it in the kitchen sink or bathroom sink kitchen sink The door's locked or whatever, but now with my own john, I think with the shitter shredder I could shit confidently That was just as funny as I remember now that we're back Now let's do the closing piece. Yeah, like you're rushing through this now. Thanks everybody. I thought were you show? Boy this weakness that can itch

Monday or Thursday to that hit come to this dry my friends call me every time, but I won't lie Sorry guys. I can't come out tonight Did you know a guy went to a Starbucks any freaking dad? I think of all the hours I spent watching these dudes now in audio form. They are ticking over the tubes Amir make sure these idol levels are good while jake's just sitting there. Uh, he's got wood Lonely and horny is their new form of genius. Okay, it's not free. Sorry for the inconvenience They dominate podcasting with their killer intro theme songs. Don't forget to write to us if I were you at gmail.com All right, if I were you show

Chicken That was a hit gun podcast