If I Were You - 250: Going Down (w/Jon Gabrus!)

Episode Date: December 19, 2016

Friend, Comedian, and Uncle Jon Gabrus joins us to discuss stress shitting, book returning, and oral sexing.This episode is brought to you by MeUndies, and Seeso!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

Monday, December 19th, thank you to MeUndies for sponsoring this very special episode of If I Were You. Hell yeah, I'm wearing my Christmas MeUndies right now actually. Oh really? Is that the white ones with the snowflake pattern on it? They are actually the black ones with the Christmas lights all over them. Very trill, very nice. It's only fitting, form-fitting, that MeUndies sponsors our 250th episode of If I Were You.

They've been with us for so long. We love them so much, we love them so hard, we love them so hard and so much. The underwear is incredibly comfortable, their clothing is incredibly stylish, everything is great and fits perfectly and is very affordable and even more so if you use our coupon code. So if you go to meundies.com or meundies.com, they'll give you 20% off your first order and they'll also ship it to you for free. The prices that you see on the website are actually higher than what you'll end up paying. That's how the discount works guys.

Well you know what's pretty dope, they have these French Terry sweatshirts now, have you seen that? Oh no. We should get our hands on some of that. Yes please. They have sweatshirts. What colors do they come in? Burgundy, Emerald and black.

I like the black. I mean these underwear models are legit, they're cut. I don't know what to tell you guys. They got stuff for men, they got stuff for females, they got hoodies, they got joggers, they got lounge pants. A great gift for yourself and for your loved one this holiday season. So check them out, meundies.com slash Amir or meundies.com slash Jake. Uncle Gabriel's in the house for love John.

Great episode, let's get right into it. I'm excited, I want to listen to it now. Bye. Things got real. If I were you, I'd break it off, I'd think it through, I'd take a walk, shit tell the truth, if I were you, here's what I'd do, I'd draw some lines, I'd cross them two, I'd kick them out and break some rules, if I were you, here's what I'd do, if I were you, here's what I'd do.

Acapella. Beautiful, that was haunting. Or is it acapella? Am I allowed to talk here? Have at it dude, gay risk in the house. Thanks for having me, that's cool that the Mumford and Sons do your introduction music. Foot stop and hand clap and tambourine. I feel like that was recorded in a barn after a wedding full of people with mustaches and

suspenders. Vests. That was good. Yeah, that was really good. His name is Taylor Dukes, part of a trio called 3B, they love our show, so they came up with a little ditty, so thanks to the at3b trio, which is what they are on Instagram. Yeah, next time I'm adding that twangy banjo that I know you guys got in the band. Was it acapella if they don't do the instrument, or is it acapella only if some guy's like

baum, baum, baum, baum, baum. I think it's acapella, it just means without any accompaniment. So a barbershop quartet is acapella too. Yes. Sick. Do you guys like acapella music? Yeah, pentatonics or whatever, those are my guys. Although I will say, I'm not really a fan of acapella music, but every once in a while

you see some acapella cover of something and you're like, okay, yeah, that was pretty fucking cool. I remember, you have to remember that when you see those covers, you only like it once or twice. Right. I remember I downloaded like 12 Ben Folds acapella songs out of my phone, and I never ever listened to them, any of them again, but they are all dope. Acapella covers are also usually of good songs, so you're like, this is great.

They're cheating. One reason that I saw that was really good was Dolly Parton, Miley Cyrus, and Pentatonix doing Jolene acapella on The Voice. Oh, that's loud. And it was really good. What? Well, why is acapella such a college thing? Like I feel like college crews love acapella, but then there's no like post-college acapella

groups. I feel like it's up there with improv. You know what I mean? It's like maybe it's something you did for fun in college, but after college, you have to really start dedicating your time. But there is a lot of good improv teams like at UCB that are acapellic. There's a lot of great acapella groups at UCB. They do improv acapella.

My problem with acapella is that the black guy always has to rap. I feel like every time I watch acapella, they're like, and they're like, they're really the tiny little blonde girl or something. They want just to like flip it all upside down. Against type. And the black guy's doing the acoustic guitar with his mouth. That's 3B Trio once again. Thanks guys.

And this is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by Gabriel. I'm Amir. I'm Jake. This is our episode 250. Wow. Big deal. Holy shit. Goal weight.

You're right. For me too. This is our goal podcast. Let's meet in the middle at 250. I would love to see Jake at 250. Oh man. Street or Nine ones joked about, we were just talking about Street, but we joked about racing to our average.

So when he was like 250 and I was like 150 or like, let's race to 200. I'm gonna fucking cinch that. I mean, maybe it's difficult for you to put on 50 pounds. Is it easier? I think it would be easier to lose 50 than for me to gain 50. I don't know. It depends on what you wanted to get. If you just wanted to gain 50 pounds of anything, you could probably win.

I would like nothing more than for you to say, Gabriel, I want you to help me gain 50 pounds. Wow. What would you do? What? I don't think that far. Yeah. You would squat every other day.

Oh, you think it would be muscle. You would be like just fucking weight. It would be both. Pasta and working out. And not even pasta. We would just be fucking microwaving ice cream and drinking it. That's like the big one that like when Sylvester Stallone put on all the weight for Copland. That's what people do is like, you just put ice cream in the microwave and you can drink

it like it's a glass of milk and it's like 10,000 calories. Jesus. That sounds awesome. Since I hurt my ankle, I haven't exercised, but I feel like I haven't gained weight. I've just gotten weaker. Like if anything, I'm like atrophying, losing muscle. It's possible. Yeah.

It's pretty sad. We'll get that muscle back on. Yeah. Especially once I'm drinking fucking ice cream. I think that's what I'm doing right now. You practically are. So as you know, you've done this show before. What episode?

This is your fourth, third time on the show? I think this is my third time. Great. And we've recorded in a different location every time. Every time. Wow. The first time was that house you guys were renting with the little thing in the back that Rosie was living.

Yeah, that was a nice day. And then the other one was the old head gum studios. Oh, yeah. And the old house. Commonwealth. Yeah, and now we're here. Started from the top. Now we're here.

Started from the middle and now we're slightly above average. Upper middle. Upper middle class studio. But I'm a huge fan. I listen to every episode. Jesus. Just not of this podcast. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. No, no, no. I'm a big Jake and Amir fan, but podcast, no bueno. Take it or leave it. We should say that Gabriel has his own podcast, High and Mighty, on this here network head gum. Yes, I do. Jake and I recently did episodes of your show.

Right. I did porn. A lot of fun talking about porn. And I did 90 sitcoms, which, you know, by the way, you could pretty much, those are just like crystallized versions of your personalities. You're like, I did porn because I'm a pervert and I did 90 sitcoms because I'm the cable guy. The basic cable guy, the network guy, basic bitches.

But this here is an advice podcast. We have real emails from real people. We're going to answer them or do our best to answer them. If you're good at these, Gabriel, I feel like you have a soft spot for advice. I do enjoy helping younger people. You also enjoy like speaking from an area of expertise, whether it's founded or not. You're like, this is what you should do. Trust me.

Yeah, yeah. I like, oh yeah. I think I'm very smart. Yeah. That's the show. Yeah. All right. So we're going to start with a guy, a guy who's a 19 year old sophomore in college.

What should we call this guy? You can give him a fake name. Oh, Sa. Sa, dude. Oh my God. No more information. I thought we need to do it. You want to listen to this question and then name him?

Yeah. Like, you know, Homeless in Cleveland. That'd be cool. All right. Let's do that. Hey, guys. Love the podcast. Thought I'd submit a question to my own for a change.

It's going to be Homeless in Cleveland regardless of how you finish it. I'm a 19 year old Homeless man in Cleveland. No, I'm a 19 year old sophomore in college and I'm not sure if you're aware, but finals week has probably just ended by the time you read this. So I guess my question in a nutshell is how do you deal with stress or stressful situations? For some reason, every time finals week comes around, I developed a habit of channeling all my stress straight into my asshole. I shit you not, pun intended.

When the finals start to hit, I need to have an extraction plan to the bathroom laid out. Today on the 13th of December was my first of four finals this week and in the midst of my exam, my stomach moaned three times and I thought I would liquefy myself. Luckily, I made it to the bathroom just in time, but the mess afterwards was astounding and shocking as I was lifted off the seat from propulsion. I do well on my exams, but maybe it's the pressure I subconsciously put on myself. I don't know, any advice on dealing with stress or shitting in stressful situations. Thanks.

Happy holidays. Sincerely. Final countdown. Final countdown in Seattle. As soon as I read the subject line, my shameful shitting, I assumed this would be a good question for you to advise on. This is a great question for me. I've had diarrhea since I was 13.

Another quick plug, but Gabriel's on the Twin Innovation podcast was the funniest couple minutes of you guys talking about shit. I think you said you shit like your asshole was sneezing into the toilet bowl. That's one way I've used to describe shitting is sneezing. The other one is like deadliest catch, like a big crab net opening and just all the shit dumps out onto the deck of the... Above a dump. Yeah.

Just a boot and a fucking... A dump. License plate. Oh, my God. A license plate from Nova Scotia from 1973. It only has four digits on it. They couldn't imagine more than 2,000 cars. Stress shitting is real.

I get that. I just say you've been diarrheaing since 13. You mean on an offer? It's just a constant screw. Pretty much. I haven't taken a solid shit since the 90s. I wipe my ass with a hairdryer with a VHS player. I get that.

Playing sports, even to date, if I have a sporting event or whatever, I will shit four times before it. Oh, wow. Yeah, at least. I'll shit two times every morning, guaranteed minimum. Jake's that way with peeing. When something is stressful, you're like, I got to go pee, and then you got to pee again, and you got to pee again.

You're that way. And then my asshole does the opposite. It's like my pee hole gets as big as my asshole when I'm nervous. Oh, a penile anal exchange of sorts. If I'm nervous about something, I will go for days without shitting, I think. Constipation. You're a stress constipator. I just don't even think about it.

It just doesn't come out. Yeah, nothing. Have you ever been constipated? Do you like a couple days go by and you're like, I haven't shit in a couple days, and you're like, holy shit, I'm under deadline or what should I wear? Whenever I travel, I won't shit pretty much. It'll throw me off for like, I think when we were in Dublin, I didn't shit until we got to London.

You guys were in Dublin for two semesters. We did a semester at sea. I didn't shit until we came to Port. Shit are good off the Port. I'm the opposite. When I travel, if I'm out of the country or flying a lot, I'm shitting, I'm never taking a full shit. I'm never taking four quarter shits a day.

As it comes, instead of waiting your time. And traveling also, you eat like garbage. So I've been on like, where I had to shit at the airport I land at. How do you shit on airplanes? I never shit on an airplane before in my entire life for so long. And then when I flew to Dubai just to eat a pizza hut, on the flight back, I took my first shit on a plane ever and my second and my third on one flight before you took off at the same time and one time on a first class flight in the middle of the night on

a red eye, I woke up, ran to the bathroom and shit for 45 minutes. When I came out, people were like, uh, like, you know, you joined the mile high club by yourself. Yeah. I was coming and shitting everywhere. When I flew home from Dubai, I got out of the John and there was five people lined up waiting and they just are. I had put my head down.

Like I felt like Bernie Madoff. I wanted to like put a coat over my head and run back to my seat, but then I had to get back up and get in line again and people were all like, dude, that'd be fun. If you put your coat up and then didn't walk back to your seat, but walk to the end of the line and was like, Hey, come on, hurry this fucking thing up here, guys, who was in there? Number one only. It smells like shit.

So this guy specifically, you can commiserate with his stressful shit. I totally get it. Yeah. And I have, I have stress induced shitting and also shitting induced stress, which makes me like a fucking Krebs cycle of nonstop drama. Dude, you stress about your shit. I'll stress about having the shit like, like that's why I shit a lot when I travel because I don't want to have to shit on a plane or I don't want to have to shit like, like when

I go away with my wife and it's like, like we're in Paris and it's like, all right, let's wake up and walk around Paris. I'm like, I need to drink a coffee in the room and be here for 40 minutes after that coffee. I'm really lucky that mine is only pissed because I know this, I know the stress. I know that feeling of like, what if I need to use the bathroom? But mine is always like, I can always at least like, I can pee in a corner somewhere. I can like, I can, I can get away with it.

I've been big on like trying to track back where I, some of these anxieties and issues I have, I haven't gone to therapy, but I've gone, like I've been big on trying to sort of like the starting points. You're doing pre therapy. Yeah. And my brother has the same thing. My brother will be like, what, like we'll be ready to go out and he'll be like, wait, wait, wait, and he'll go in the bathroom and he'll like come out like 10 minutes later.

I'm like, did you shit? He's like, nah, nothing came out. I'm like, you were just trying to shit. He's like, I just wanted to be done. And I'm like, why, why is that a thing we have? Yeah. We must have like tried to go to the bathroom once where we're out and my mom was like, you know, no shitting in public.

Right. Sometimes like when you had like a long car ride with all your, your whole family, like we're not pulling over. Exactly. Clutch your cheeks together. Because my brother's, my mom made us pose for so many stupid pictures our whole lives, like just standing in front of the sign of the hotel or whatever, that to date my brother, who has a two month old son, like the picture they sent for their

Christmas card was like them all with Santa and my brother is miserable in the picture. And I'm like, you didn't even smile for your kid's holiday photo. And he's like, I hate getting my picture taken. It's all because of the duty. Yeah. It's all, it all, I did it all for the duty. Nice. It was this guy asking if how he, how to come, how to get over this.

Yeah. Or like any plans, do you like, do you shit before, like if you had a three hour exam, would you shit right before? Would you just not think about it? I would try to get it out before. I think that's really helped me is I am a coffee drinker and I will, like when I am staying in New York working or something like that, I'll make sure I can get coffee in my room or I'll buy coffee the night before and like ice coffee and keep it in the hotel

fridge and I'll wake up earlier than I would normally do to get ready so I can have the coffee, power through the shit. Yeah. As a, as a, as a pisser, that stuff doesn't help because the more liquid I consume, the more the bigger the problem. Exactly. So the best thing I can do is sometimes like before I get on a plane, I won't drink a lot of water and then I'm up there and fucking getting a headache.

I'm super dehydrated. I have six glasses of red wine, staggered to the fucking bathroom. Pew instead of shit. Suddenly I'm shitting everywhere. I might recommend this dude wake up a little earlier than he normally would. If it's an early exam, yeah, but set himself, if he's not a coffee drinker, get a meal in, get food in, get that process going, give yourself enough time to eat a meal, digest and possibly shit it out.

Leave yourself with nothing in the tank if you can. Yeah, going empty. It all stems from, I was on the swim team and like you wouldn't want to have to shit once you were in the pool because then you got to get out freezing cold and get back to the toilet and then shit in the toilet and come back to practice anyway. So I'd always be like six minutes late to practice, but in the, I'd be in the locker room, like my team would be like, come on, Gary Bristol, you got to go swim. I'm like, hold on, I just want to make sure I'm completely done.

You're like vigorously wiping, you know? Well, if you're going back to the pool, you probably don't have to wipe, right? Yeah, no, no, no, no, no. You just hold your ass open over the filter. It's like suck it all in with a plunger. All right, I can't be that advice. So onto the next, I guess. What about you, Amir?

You take a lot of tests. You know, I'm unfortunate in many genetic regards, but I feel like I'm pretty regular shitter and pisser. I don't have any problems with that. My stomach is so far from the right. Your problems are all psychological and social. Yeah, exactly. I have deeper issues than diarrhea.

I'll tell you that much right now. We don't have, let's see if this one addresses it. All right, this is from another guy. Let's name him after. Uh, all right. I'm in a sticky pinch and I could use some advice. I wanted to write my girlfriend a song for Christmas that was funny and sweet. I decided to make a parody of can't help falling in love by Elvis.

Yes, I'm fucking adorable. I know. So I wrote the lyrics and I wanted to play an instrument at the same time. I asked my friend to help me learn the piano for the song. This is where the problem occurred. He lives extremely far away. So we've been working on Skype, but he asked me for some money to hire him as a musician teacher, as a music teacher.

I, of course, said yes and paid him in advance for five lessons. Very cheap. Now we've done two lessons and he's already asking for more, saying I'll need at least 10 lessons. He wants them, he wants the money now. How do I tell him I don't want lessons anymore? He's a terrible teacher and too scut, uh, and, uh, sorry, he's a terrible teacher and over Skype, he keeps cutting out while teaching.

And I don't have the heart or interest really to ask him to repeat what he said. I've given up hope on learning this stupid song. Thanks for the help y'all love. Uh, Ebony and Ivory. I like this post, uh, name-making. Uh, so, uh, what are your thoughts on charging friends at all? Just did that general university do that? Um, as you get older, the one thing, like, I don't like to charge friends.

We all do favors, but there's not much stuff I can do in return for someone. You know what I mean? I don't have that much of a skill. Like if someone were to help me with my website, I can't be like, cool, I'll improv coach you or cool. I'll, you know, act in a sketch video and I don't want to be doing that. But I think as you get older, like for me, like I'll have a friend wants to help me with something I will, like I have a friend who's recutting my reel for me.

I said, let me pay you. And they're like, please, no, you don't have to. I'm like, let me so I can tell you what to do. And I, and they're like, okay, that's fair. Like then there's no guilt about asking for more notes. There's no, I'm no guilt for like, Hey, do another round of edit. There's no, like, I'm like, I'll give you the money. It's just, I'd rather give money to a friend than a stranger.

Right. I don't mind paying for, you know, goods and services. What about couch crashing? Do you still do that? Um, only with very specific people. You catch crashed with us one night in last year. Yeah. In Austin, one morning crash.

Oh, I guess I slept there that night too. I just don't remember it. You passed out in the kitchen. So shit. They dropped that glass. Yeah, that was the first time. And I think only time I've ever seen you feel shame. Yeah.

Like you've, you've, I've seen you like destroy many things. But for whatever reason, when that happened, you broke a glass. You felt bad. Yeah, I felt bad. And I didn't want it because I didn't want to clean it up. I just wanted to go to sleep. I was so beat, but like, can't leave broken glass on a shared house. That's the one thing where you can't, I'll get that tomorrow.

Yeah, that's like the worst idea ever. Everyone's crawling around. So this guy specifically friend, extorting him for more lessons. It sounds like this guy's a little bit of a bad pupil. He says, I missed something he says, and I don't have the heart or desire, frankly, to tell him to repeat what he said. Yeah, it sounds like you just don't want to learn the piano and you're blaming the teacher.

So his idea was to play a song, a Christmas song for his girlfriend, but he is not musical. That's the thing that's driving me crazy. I was like, why don't you have your friend just pay your friend to record the song? That's pretty good advice. Yeah, then you could sing over it. Is that totally? Yeah, you don't actually, I'm not really good at singing either.

So I have two friends. First of all, I've got notes on this dude. How long have you been with this girl? Because if you think you might break up, she will tell this Christmas song story for the rest of your fucking life and not in a positive way. Yeah, I've got two thoughts. One, you want to learn how to, you want to learn the hardest instrument. One of the hardest instruments, like piano, do the ukulele and play the song.

You can do that yourself on online videos. It's like I wrote a song and I want I want to learn to play the harp by Christmas. Yeah, hopefully my theremin instructor that I deal with exclusively over Slack will be. I've been in a situation where I recorded a song for a girl that I was into at the time and it's still like hard baked onto my iPhone. And you really don't want this shit out there. No, to your best to not actually record. It's hard to whatever you do.

It's hard to adjust gifts based on whether you think it'll eventually come out or not. Like you sort of have to like live in a world where like this person will appreciate it and can't maybe in five years. That's fair, but just play it for her life. Don't show that's good. Don't show her the don't make a video. Yeah, please don't make a video. Yeah, or send it over Snapchat so it deletes.

Put it on YouTube, but ideally unlisted or password protected. And it's crazy that his friend wants to bump it up to 10 lessons unless this guy sucks so bad at piano and his buddy wants to. Yeah, what like it just seems if you delineated. All right, cool. I'll pay you for five lessons. He can't ask you to do 10. I mean, he can.

The two lesson mark is a little early to be like, trust me, the three more. It won't be enough. It sounds like the musician friend is having a hard go wherever the fuck he is. You could probably just be like, let's stick with the five and after five. If I need more, I'll let you know. But maybe I'll be able to cobble this together. Yeah. Yeah. Can you imagine what a piano lesson would like?

What is it more than just telling you how to like where to how to play the song? Like, what is the lesson beyond that? That's an interesting question. I've never taken a music lesson. I've taken I've taken two versions of music lessons. Piano. Yeah. And piano and guitar lessons when I was little. And they tell you just practicing over and over.

What's the difference between lessons? Six, seven, eight, nine, ten. Well, it's a lot of it's practice, really, I guess. But like you get better at practice than you learn. There's a lot to learn on the fucking piano. But more importantly, he's only trying to learn one song. He's not trying to learn how to play the piano. Yeah. But like that shouldn't take ten.

I feel like I could learn a song like if it's just a matter of memorizing the order. Well, when I learned the piano, I learned like the Jurassic Park theme song and the Star Wars theme song. So like those are I think those are like simple enough. Right. Yeah. Who knows? Like if you arbitrarily pick an Elvis song that you want to cover, that might be a hard one on the piano.

He could fake it, I bet. If he's doing a video, he could do like, hey, you record the piano, I'll like hide my hands, lay that as a track underneath. So I'm singing only. Is this the video that he's doing for his girlfriend? I thought it's the only reason we're thinking about videos, because that's how he's learning the piano. Oh, yeah. If it's just a song, you don't have to prove that you played the piano at all.

And also, I bet you you could pay less than you're paying your friends to get piano lessons from an actual piano instructor that will come to your home. Oh, that's a good one. Like take real piano. I think we're going to learn the piano with this guy here. What's your end game here, son? I don't think he wants to learn the piano. If you don't want to learn the piano, you want to learn how to play one song.

Yeah, one song. Maybe piano's not the right move, you know what I mean? Or learn your one song, get it from your friend, give them a fucking couple of bucks and get out of there. But don't give them the full ten. Don't go for ten unless you need, unless you think you're going to need five more. But this dude is like fucking pyramid scheme. This is like, that's not like when you sign up for a gym

and they give you like five free personal training sessions. Then the second you use one, they're like, you know, this package is that you're doing great with this one. You know, they're just trying to. It's not going to be enough, man. Eight CDs for one penny. What is it called? The Columbia.

Columbia House. Oh, by the way, listeners of Jake and Amir, a CD is a way people use to listen to music. We don't have time to get into it. Pennies are an archaic form of payment. They're like really small bitcoins that are real IRL. That's weird. It's not a waste of material, I guess.

Kappa, baby. All right. Let's take a break. We're roughly halfway done with this episode. We'll be right back with more Gabriel's after this. This show is sponsored by better help. Thank you. Better help.

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And we're back. Holiday is coming up. Holy shit. I can't believe we took a full blown 90 minute break. You did have to die real, you said. Yeah. Well, I'm dry. I'm empty.

I'm a husk of a man. Have you ever seen a video of shit coming out of your butthole? Do you know what it looks like when it's coming out of your butt? Do you have a video of my, did you, do you have a toilet cam here at headquarters? Would you like to see that video? Are you interested at all? You paid me $5 to see it and $100 for me to delete it.

I hate to only talk about shit, but I do have a couple more poop questions. Did you ever see a video of yourself? I once did. I didn't see poop coming out of the butt, but I did videotape poop coming out of my butt from a side angle. So the cheek was covering the opening, but to just see a drop. Just to see what it looked like. You edited it to make the shit go into your ass.

That's correct too. As a joke. Yeah, it was like poop going. It was really actually upsetting. It was poetic, really. This was, you said, for your senior thesis? Yeah. B minus.

Not terrible. My teacher was a fucking pervert. He said he would like to see more shit come into my ass. My teacher was a real shit freak. Nice. Any huge holiday plans coming up worth mentioning? For me? Yeah, for you.

Nothing exciting. Just, you know, my in-laws are divorced and I have a mom. So it's three Christmases for us. Three. Oh, I'm getting a tattoo. Whoa. Yeah. First tattoo?

My first tattoo at 34. No cure of any tattoos? None. That must be a rare. I would like have gotten a drunken tattoo on your ass in college. Right. But my dad, when I was a kid, did something really cool. He's like, if you want a tattoo, write it down or draw it.

Put it in an envelope, open it in one year. If you still want it, you can get it. Oh. And then one year later, I opened an envelope with a picture of a shark wearing sunglasses, flexing his muscles. And I was like, now, but now I like it again. But I like when I was like 18, I was like, what was I thinking? That's a really good lesson.

Yeah. So what's the tattoo of? I'm going to get the outline of Long Island, I believe, just to fully lean into the douchebag that I've become. You love it. I love it. I miss Long Island. I do.

So you would, would I be able to see it from where you are? The teacher? Yeah, maybe. Um, hopefully I'll get the guns popping in time for that as well. I like that. Would you ever move back to Long Island? No. What about the East Coast?

I mean, I would, like, I think in my head, I think that would be cool. But I honestly, it's really just much nicer out here. I'm like, I'm like, I now have two nephews. So that's like the only thing that would make me want to be. Yeah. Like as the family starts growing. Yeah, exactly. And especially if I eventually have kids, I'd like them to be around.

Where are your, where's your wife's family from? Westchester, just outside of New York as well. Oh, shit. So it really makes sense for us to live on the East Coast. But I want to be in Hollywood. Hollywood. But also four years of living out here with not a lot of TV work. So apparently you could do high and mighty from a fucking apartment in fucking Seaford.

And the dollar would go a long way over there, right? Yeah, not too bad. Yeah. But Long Island is 30 minutes from the city and Tim Dillon, a Long Island comedian, I really like, I heard him quoted as saying 40 minutes from the city and 40 years because it is like, it's like fucking Trump country over there. I don't want to start. No, we're going to start saying Merry Christmas again.

I'm serious. I think it's man of the year, not person of the year. That was just trolling people. He was just saying it. So we'll tweet about it, which will work. But still strong on a tattoo, no text. Would you ever get a tattoo? I don't think so.

Because again, I don't have any, I don't have the thing where I would open up an envelope and be like, good idea. Me, Lakers. Yeah, you don't have an element of your personality that's like, interesting. It's not the right one, but I couldn't say that was straight face. It's instantly identifiable. Like, right. Like there's nothing I would be like, oh, the only like the Lakers or basketball.

And it's like, I'm going to get a Lakers tattoo. Like I have a basketball tattoo unless you play basketball. Even if that is really like it, but like LeBron James has some basketball tattoos. That makes a lot of sense. I might get chosen one on my back like he does. But other than that, I wouldn't get one. Maybe if I, if you were forced to get a tattoo, if I was forced to get a tattoo. Yeah.

If you, like, if you were like, you have to get a tattoo and it can't just be like a dot on the bottom of the foot, what would you get? So the one that I keep saying as a joke where maybe I like it now is millhouse from the Simpsons on my ass. Oh, I think that's really good. Oh, I like that. No, I really do. Cause now you're just reminding me of mill.

Like I just realized how similar to millhouse. Right. Exactly. It's like a cute little character that I really liked. And then it's on my butt, which is kind of a funny place for it. I think, yeah. And also very hideable. Yeah.

Very hideable. He has glasses. You have to switch your swimwear, but otherwise I would, no more thongs. Before the whole Woody Allen thing, that would have been a good tattoo. But now if he's an actual trial and cholesterol, yeah, you wouldn't want that on your tiny little boy. But I once, I once ordered a Woody Allen painting and I had it up for a while. And then the whole like thing reopened.

I'm like, huh, I feel a little bad. Yeah. Well, that was in your Bill Cosby room, right? Yeah, yeah. That I had no problems with to this day. I like Hitler's art. You're, Jake's getting two tattoos removed right now. Oh yeah.

That's true. Yeah. Look at his, look at his ankle. He's got, I knew you had an ankle tattoo, right? He's got two on my ankle. So that one's going away. This one's a tribal son. Okay.

And then what was the other one? It was the word every, but it's almost gone. Every E-V-E-R-Y? Yeah. It's like a, it's, I actually, I'm going to have to put the every somewhere else on my body because my, I have this, I have a family, a family house where there's like a poem on the wall that says it is always every summer in this house.

It's like our summer house. And everybody in my family has one word from that sentence. Oh, that's so cute. And I am removing, I'm removing mine. Why are you removing it though? Cause I dislike my family. I don't like, I really did not like the way the two ankle tattoos looked. Yeah.

That's fair. That sounds like, if you told me, but that's also like, that's some 20 year old shit right there. Yeah. I mean, I wouldn't have removed the everyone, but when I was in the doctor's office, they were like, we could remove this one too for the same price. And I was like, Oh, I would rather have it on my arm. Sure.

Yeah. Go for it. You're going to get, that's really funny. You're not technically, you're not technically getting a tattoo removed. You're getting it moved. I'm getting a, yeah, yeah, yeah, a tattoo movable. That'd be really funny. They're like, we could just graft this onto your back.

I look like a big scar like choke on. He's getting the tribal sun on his neck and doesn't take just green all around it. Words aren't the only thing I ever really wanted to get tattooed up, but I can never choose the word. Yeah, it's because I love Courier New. I'm obsessed with that font. Courier New. Yeah.

Is that the typewriter? Yeah. And all lowercase Courier New is like, I always think of like the way EE coming signed his, you know, you were like, it was always all lowercase. That's my sister actually has Courier New. Her word is this and she has it on her wrist. I, yeah, I wanted, but I could never think of a word. The only word that would make sense would be like a kid's name or Tiffany or

something like that, but that's weird to get your wife's name tattooed on. I feel like that's a jinx. That's like a divorce. Totally, totally. Also, like, how am I supposed to cheat on it if people ask it? Who's Tiffany? I'm like, my mom, fuck you, I killed a, um, yeah, a word is what I would, I was gonna get what the hell dash Jack Burton, which is like, uh, quoting Jack

Burton, who's the Kurt Russell character in Big Trouble in Little China. Yeah, you can do a movie thing. That feels weird, you know, like, I don't want to, I don't want to explain my tattoo. I think that the only way to really do it to me is like to have a whole entire sleeve or a shitload of tattoos. Then nobody's asking you like, Oh, what's this one mean? Yeah, right. Like when people see my tribal son, they're like, what does that mean to you?

Like, I don't fucking know. I don't know. The sun and the nineties. I enjoyed the summer and sublime. Why don't you get another tattoo of the explanation? Oh, that's a good idea. I might have another tattoo. That way you could just go, it's over here.

Is it, is it talking at a turn and say, doesn't Streeter have the cabbage patch signature on the bottom of his foot? No, he has established 1982. Right, right. And it's helped to cross. Right. But isn't the, that's what the cabbage patches have. Is there established with the year?

Oh, there's out of this. Yeah, that's a good one too. That's funny. Very dystopian. Yeah, this is all about Streeter. Yeah, this is a Streeter. Welcome back to Streetercast. What else do you like about Streeter?

I would be one of 10 people who listened to that. A podcast about Streeter. That was a really nice and mean thing to say about Streeter. Right, because I would listen to it, but I'm assuming only nine other people would. Yeah, actually, unlike anybody else, I like Streeter. Hey, contra, I don't want to be a contrarian here, but I think Streeter's are not an all right guy. I know how most of you feel.

All right. Do you want to answer a couple more questions and have a premise of this podcast? Yeah, let's, and let's leave the world of test taking and get into the world of pussy eating. All right. This is another category I feel confident to speak about. Shitting in pussy eating is like my two things.

Let's let one be gets the other. And look at this. This one starts with, Hey, at the ripe old age of 34, I most certainly followed it to the older demographic of your podcast, but I still need your advice. I've been happily married for eight years and I love my wife very much. Our sex life is great. In fact, it's gotten exponentially better over the years. Here's the issue.

My wife rarely lets me go down on her like maybe once a year. If I'm lucky, I really enjoy doing it and I feel guilty that I get head, but I can't reciprocate on the very rare occasions that I get to venture south. It's immediately followed. Uh, it's immediately following a bath and I'm only allowed to stay down there for a few minutes. I've asked her why this is and she says that she doesn't like it because I'm so close to her bum hole.

Don't worry. I don't want to eat that Milky Way magic star and that she finds the thought of it gross. Have you guys ever come across this before? Is she lying to me because I'm actually really bad at it? I've tried watching a female friendly porn to get tips and I'm not going to use the advice of regular porn by spitting on or slapping the poor lady flower. DJ style. Should I let it go and let it be an annual treat or should I probe deeper?

Sorry. This hasn't been an amusing question, but I really hope you can help. Oh, this is a fucking genuinely good question. Who, who's this guy? Uh, torture tongue. Very good. Um, that's a very good question. So have you ever experienced this?

You've been married forever. So maybe you don't have the breadth of knowledge, but do you have the depth of knowledge to understand where this guy's coming from? I could understand where this guy is coming from. That's not a problem in our house. Right. We, the beard rides are free flowing. Free flowing.

I really am a very, I'm very, very into cunnilingus. Right. Very much enjoyed doing it. I'm very good at it. According to my audience. According to the one person that matters. Yeah. I mean, I have only been eating one pussy, but it

has been for over a decade. So I've gotten pretty good at it. If practice makes pussy, then you're the king. Copy that. That tracks all the way to the end. Your other tattoo says practice, practice makes pussy. And that's just because I thought when I was a kid, I just wanted to play in games and skip practices.

Uh, I've experienced this, the lady that doesn't like it. Yeah. Whoa, really? Yeah. That makes sense. A girlfriend? No, not a girlfriend, but. I feel like a girl would like you to eat her out because then you would stop talking.

I think it. Well, while he's down there, he is saying practice makes pussy. Uh, I think it's people, if a lady isn't so comfortable with her vagina, like how he says the s- the bath thing, like if you're insecure about it, then you don't want somebody close to it, let alone the closest you could possibly be. Yeah. That's, I, this harkens back to a health class. I remember I made some joke where the teacher's like explaining sex and she's

like ladies and boys, you know, you don't have to go write this. I'm like, yeah, that's why you get a blowjob. And I like made something funny and my teacher goes, you think putting your mouth on someone else's genitals is less intimate than sex? And in that moment, I realized like it's definitely more intimate. Yeah, that's the most. Right. Even though like blowjob always traditionally comes before fucking, there's something

that's like, that's like biologically intimate. Yeah. Oral sex is like my favorite possible thing. Yeah. So you'd rather climax during that than sex sex? I guess I'd probably, if I, I don't know, they really, I'd like to do both. At the very least, they're tied. But like.

And it's definitely called sex sex? Sex, sex, sex. If you guys, if you have like a simultaneous orgasm while you're 69-ing, mom, turn off the podcast. I think that's the best. I think that's probably the best thing there is. Wait, hold on. Mom, my mom, turn it on.

Because I am turned on because we have to have one mom listening and all that. It's a weird game. My mom told me she actually does turn off the podcast when I tell her to. Oh really? And she, yeah. So she'll have stopped listening to this episode. All right. Cool.

Let's talk about how hot your mom is. All right. Great. So, wait, I should have done it while she was listening. I've dealt with this problem with like a real significant other before. A real one. Yeah. We're at, because I all like.

Say the mirrors is a doll. Yeah. Well, mirrors is like. Mine's imaginary. Yours is a date. Like if you have oral sex with somebody that's like pretty like a casual thing, they're like, oh, I don't really like it. That means that they're not really comfortable with a stranger having their face in their box.

Right. And that's understandable. But if you're in a relationship, you better like be down with the person you love, like get an up close Santa, your muff. You know what I mean? I'm really freewheeling because my mom's not listening. Yeah. Wow.

We're really hitting with the synonyms here. I love it. But I don't know exactly where I was. I think I know where you're headed. And I think we need to track back. You need to find out what her holdup is. Yes. Yeah.

Because I think a lot of women think they're concerned that they smell. Right. That's a thing. And like, I know in my history without getting it like, you kind of have to explain like, no, I like the smell of. That is. Yeah, that's exactly what I was going to say. You think it doesn't smell like, because it doesn't smell like lotion or body wash.

Yeah. It's bad. No. And I'd honestly prefer like, I don't want you to take a bath. I want you to like, I want to see you after yoga. Yeah. I want both spin class. Are you trust?

I want you to treat my face like you're another spin class. I'm sorry. But just because your vagina is like near your asshole, that's another reason why I want to be down there. And also, by the way, it sounds like if your wife's having a hard time with you eating her out in the front, she's not going to want it any other way. But don't throw the baby out with the bath water. Eating ass is a delight as well.

The vagina is just a road running to the star on the map. But I think what we're talking about here is he needs to find out, he needs to have a frank conversation with her. Because if it's something he really enjoys doing, truly, and not just out of guilt of getting blowjobs, if he truly enjoys doing it, then he, he should have. Whoa, excuse me, that's my stomach. Let's take another 90 minute break. We're on the top floor, right?

We're in your belly right now. I think if that's something you really want to do, then you, in your marriage, it's going to be healthy if you get to do it. Yeah. And this is also, from experience, I remember the way that I got over this hump was to basically convince this person that it was like, that that really turned me on, that I loved the way they're, they tasted and smelled, and that like any of their hangups were like not shared by me.

They were my turn-ons. Right. And maybe this, maybe this guy hasn't had like a frank discussion with his wife. Like she might have been like, I don't really like it. And I'd be like, oh, cool, whatever, me either. I don't care. I don't care. But like, she should know that this is what, I mean, he calls it a once a year treat.

I know. So if it's a treat for him, for whose birthday? And it's, and she, he said only for a couple of minutes. I think there's like a full, a shower and a soak beforehand. Right. You got to tell her, look, this is what I really want to do. And then you have to, the next time the opportunity arises, you have to go out of your way to make her feel so comfortable.

If that means she has a glass of wine, light it up, light up candles, play her favorite music, tell her the whole way through how much you're enjoying what you're doing. I love your smell. I love your taste. Seriously, make her feel as comfortable, as beautiful, as amazing. Show her all the reasons why you love it. Right. Exactly.

And cause, trust me, if you like doing it, man, that's going to be something that ends up being like a little bit of a, a, a stuck in your craw about your marriage. Because like that's like, if, if I, if you didn't get head from your wife and you wanted it, why wouldn't like, how could you not start thinking about that, getting it elsewhere or something like that? You know what I mean? And definitely eat her ass. Well, that's your advice for anybody.

That's what you also said about the guy who couldn't take a exam without shitting. Yeah. Get your ass eaten, bra. Bra. Bra, bra. Everyone should have their ass. This makes me feel bad cause I, cause I feel like also maybe she would never orgasm from it cause she's just too blocked, but she should open herself up to that.

And he should be, he should fucking lay out the rose petals, roll the red carpet out and say like, here we go. We're going to do this and you're like, not like you're going to like this, but like, I'm going to do my best or find out what her hangups are. If it's like, oh, I don't like it being that close to my ass. It's like, okay, maybe I just pull your underwear to the side. Oh, I don't want to, I don't want to lay down. I feel unflattering at the angle.

Maybe it's about sitting on the face maybe, or maybe she doesn't want to sit on the face. I want this guy's wife to sit on my face. We're talking about a little sex too much. Oh God. I love you. I want to play fucking soak the beard with this guy's wife. That's what we call it in my house. So act weird.

Had a long day, John. I gotta just got to have a glass of wine and soak your beard. Hey, let's do it. I signed you up for a Bicram yoga class and then I'll pick you up at eight. It's just also, it's something I got very good at because I was a quick ejaculator. Oh yeah, that'll do it. Yeah. So it slows you down.

What? It slows you down. No, well, it makes sure she gets off at least first, you know what I mean? So it's getting her to the one yard line and then you're both across the finish line. Yeah, a lot of quick ejaculating has to do with taking the pressure off too. If I go down on somebody and they orgasm, then I'm like, okay, the stakes aren't super high and then I last longer anyway. Right, exactly.

Because you're like, and also like you don't get so worked up. Yeah, yeah. Has this got too real? I love, I know I'm hard. To swing with you in here. Yeah, hey, Jake, if it's cool with you, could you eat out my wife? Oh God, I hate to intrude, but wiping my beard. Let me just get it as dry as possible.

I need you to do it poorly just so she has something to weigh it against. Do you have time for one last question? Yeah. Great, bro. It's like a 45 minute question. Oh, it's just quick 10 part. Roman numeral 1A. This is the table of contents.

All right, this is from, I can't say his name. Here it is. Ready, a year and a half ago, a friend was at my apartment and I was telling her about a really good book that I just finished. She asked if she could borrow it, so I let her a copy. Over the course of the next year and a half, we wouldn't really see each other that much and eventually grew apart. We're still on perfectly fine terms.

The thing is, I've been trying to figure out a way to get my book back from her with having as little interaction with her as possible. I'm not really one to catch up with people. I'm kind of an awkward little Jew asshole. And honestly, I don't understand why people feel a social obligation to pretend you're friends with someone you don't really want to talk to when you bump into them, or in this case, need to pick something up that you lent them a year and a half ago. And I know what you're thinking.

Why am I making this such a big deal? Well, you're totally right. I'm just a neurotic, crazy person who doesn't have the energy to make small talk with this now stranger. Can you guys think of a way that I can pick this book up under the pretense that I don't want to catch up with her, but without coming off as rude? Or am I being too wishful? Is there no way of avoiding having to grab a coffee for 45 minutes just to get my book back?

Help. Thanks. Love. Uh, Jew asshole. Self named Jew asshole. Um, yeah, I would say maybe amazon.com, buy your own fucking book. Yeah, dude, just buy it. I wonder why it's, this is a one of a kind book.

Well, I feel like he would have mentioned it if it was like autographed or one of a kind or first edition. Did he say one of a kind? He said, let my copy is as personalized as it got. So I don't understand why his copy is so... Right. It's like, when he's like talking about getting his book back and he goes, I don't know why I'm being like this.

Maybe it's because I'm a little, you like, you don't have to say you're a Jew. If you're really upset that a book you lent out 18 months ago isn't back. It was the Bible. You're definitely neurotic. Yeah, I agree. Have you ever done this? Have you ever like lent someone something? You're like, ah, just fucking keep it.

I don't want to deal with you anymore. Maybe even an ex-girlfriend. I feel like anytime you lend someone something in modern culture, you're saying like, I'm not positive. I'm going to get this back. Yeah. Remember when DVDs were a thing that you would borrow and let other people borrow and it was hard to like keep track of who has your DVDs?

Tiff, I was a big DVD guy and my wife lent my downstairs neighbor a few DVDs. And she didn't know which one she lent to. He took a couple and then he gave back a couple, but I was like missing some movies and I was like so furious. I was like so unnecessarily upset. I couldn't even tell you what movies were. But I was just mad that someone got one over on me, I guess. But if you lend someone something and if you're not good enough friends with this girl

that you might not speak for 18 months, you shouldn't have lent her anything. Or you should know that it's giving. Does he want to read the book or does he just want to have it back in his library? We don't know. We just can't remember now. Have you already read the book, man? Don't be a fucking loser. Yeah, it is funny when you want the book back that you've already read.

Like the book is done for you. I used to like hang on to books for a long time and now I started giving them away. Yeah. I don't know. You don't need, what do I, you have like a collection of like the trophies. Like I finished this one. Look at all the books. This is how smart I, these are all in my brain.

That's the reason I have books, the reason I buy books. Well, first of all, I still can't do e-readers and stuff. And the reason I buy books is so that I can give them or lend them to people under the auspices of like, I don't, like I have a couple of friends that we sort of just give each other graphic novels and we're like, read it, give it away, keep it, whatever. We'll just pass it around. Read it and weep. Yeah.

Read it and weep, motherfucker. Four aces. What about a surrogate, somebody else at her house at a certain point? Right. He's got to have some mutual friends. That's a good, that's a good piece of. Oh, right. Yeah. You say, if you're going to see this girl pick up my book. Right. Something like that.

Otherwise, you do have to do it personally. If you do want the specific book back. Yeah. I mean, the best you could do is say like, hey, I'm in the neighborhood. Can I drop by and then you say hello? And you're like, I wish I had time to catch up. I have another thing. Well, yeah.

I mean, two lies. It's a lie that you're in the neighborhood and a lie that you have something to go through. Here, if you really don't want to interact with her and you are socially awkward enough that you don't want to interact with her, but also awkward enough that you want that book back, here's what you do. If she has a date, does she have a job? If you know she has a job, you say, hey, so random, I want this book back. A friend of mine was asking about it because it's been a year and a half now.

So there's a good chance she doesn't even have the book anymore. Of course. Hey, if you still have it, I'm going to be in your neighborhood tomorrow. I'm assuming you got to go to work or something. Leave it in your mailbox. Leave it underneath this. Put it behind, you know. Leave it out in public because it's a book.

No one will take it. Right. Put it on your stoop and I'll come grab it. I like that. Or you say like, hey, I'm going to pick it up. Are you home? She says yes. But like you make sure there's a time when she has to leave by and you say, I'm running late.

Just leave it on your step. I'll pick it up. Yeah. And then you're just sitting across the street in your car, fake reading a newspaper, watching her leave until you get a fucking arrest. Yeah. We know he does nothing to do because he spent this long obsessing over getting his book back. This makes me so curious what the book is.

Yeah. Right? Doesn't it? Is this like, I'm so like, it's like a father's diary. Yeah. I mean, it blows dust off of it. It's the Necronomicon. It's just a fountain head.

He's just a douchebag. Michael Crichton's The Sphere. I would love it if it's like a mass market paperback. It's $3. It's in a dollar bin at B Dalton. The Da Vinci Code. All right. Good advice.

Good tips. Good hangs. Good jokes. Good episode. Hey, thank you so much. I love giving advice. Yeah. I love giving advice,

especially when the person can't be there to go. Actually, that sounds, I'm like, no. You know what's good about your podcast is like, you could host our podcast, but nobody else could host your podcast. You know what I mean? Like, nobody else can be Gabriel. Right. I could host your podcast for 5,000 listeners.

Thanks, man. I needed to hear that. Is there anything else you want to plug before we piece on out of here? Please, no. Follow me on Twitter or on social media or Snapchat. Hell yeah. And listen to my podcast, High and Mighty, on the Headgun Network. If you want more of us talking to each other,

I'm on Gabriel's episode, Jake's on an episode. We're both on an episode at a certain point. Yeah, you're both on the first episode. And also, if you start listening to my podcast or you want to listen to my podcast, tweet at me with topics you'd like to see me talk about. That's something I'm thinking about getting into is learning about shit for listeners. What episodes did you say you had in the can already

that are coming out? That are coming out. I have one about game shows coming out. I have one about weddings and one about comic books with a comic artist and illustrator and writer. Oh, damn. Great. And I've got a few more brewing that I think are going to be pretty exciting.

That means they're about beer, right? Some of them. Awesome. Sick, dog. 10 episodes about beer. I love it. Or are you going to do an hour about Oli's? That's how sick it is.

All right. More of Gabriel's on the High and Mighty podcast on Headgun. So if you have your own questions, your own theme song submissions, like Tyler did, send it all over to IfIReviewShow at gmail.com. The opening theme song was by Tyler, the trio 3B. And then this closing one is Maya, who did a ukulele. Second ukulele reference on the episode.

Good stuff. Thanks so much for listening, everybody. We'll be back next week. Bye-bye. Bye, shitheads. There is a show by Jake and Amir. They answer questions from people who are full of fear. Yeah, if you've got a problem, they'll help you out,

yeah, bro. You have to tune into them. If I were you, show. Jake and Amir, Jake and Amir, I hope you enjoy the show. Jake and Amir, Jake and Amir, Jake and Amir, if I were you, show. The only advice show in the entire world. That was a Headgun podcast.