If I Were You - 253: Britney Spears

Episode Date: January 9, 2017

In this episode we discuss High School cliques and basketball tricks. This episode is brought to you by MeUndies and TrackR!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

How do you want to be has been unemployed actor slash writers somehow create a podcast empire watch this perverted college dropout and this late bloomin nerd start the best advice show you ever heard long ago when college humor they wrote jokes and make cameos and hardly working episodes hone their comedic flow became best bros put up their own video which became the eponymous jake and amir show well the show exploded they were always laughing as they wrote it till it was time to throw out the status quo just let go of it finished on a high note started something new so they could grow and the facebook fans already know what's the show man jake and amir if I were you the show is jake and amir if I were you and you can email in if

you're confused and they'll talk you through and mock you too manly ron at starbucks that cousin committed suicide hashtag green light jake and amir the pilot was tonight when at last they knew that true tv passed on employing them they hit the gas on podcast in and asked their friends to join them there would have been nothing left to shoot for comics less astute they would have been both reduced to asking hey sir can we crash here dude they started hoarding recording reporting to the landlord of ravens nest the best house in the world which they cannot afford hustling for c-list actors they can get to come on trust in the emails give them material to go on if they keep entertaining don't let the fanbase who wrote in LA they can start a new show the show is on

bimeo now amir as ruby jade a new pathetic character still trying to get laid lonely and horny might be the best thing they've ever made but what's the show man jake and amir if I were you wow no podcast this week everybody we're just gonna let that song sink in let's do an entire if I were you a Hamilton mixtape I want to just play that that's a great idea I want to play that for like anybody that needs anytime anybody's like hey send us a bio oh that's just that is that's the ballad of our life saddest part about that I'm not gonna say who wrote it or composed it that's not sad that's mean I I'm gonna let it sort of go on anonymously as he didn't want he wanted to credit he's got like a bunch of ideas and suggestions a shout out for somebody sick in his life and I'm

just gonna say hell no let's start fresh it's 2k 17 and I don't give a shit all right you got yeah you're the you're the boss awesome man awesome man but I want you to really think about this like this is if I were you this is crazy and I made that song because I played that you don't want to just not give him credit you want to take the credit that's my credit it's my song it's my right I said it I read it okay Jeremy Hoffman that's who made it if you don't know that was a Hamilton parody two minutes plus all about our story our life story I guess he sent it to us like months ago and I just missed it and so he resented to us thankfully and I got to play it eventually Jeremy Hoffman thank you Jeremy uh 2k 17 does he have no shout out no no yeah he's he's uh he's not about

that um soundcloud life evidently well I did have a few notes about just some of the rhymes you asshole you jerk it was the part that goes uh met Liren at Starbucks the cousin committed suicide yeah that never happened um yeah but it's sort of just like blending references I mean Jesus the amount of time that he must have the surge can we crash your dude part just bumped me in terms of the cadence of the rhyme that was if I like he blended Raven's nest with sir yeah I mean this is like a seamless flow of inside jokes from podcasts and web series I'm just reading it again Amir's Ruby J that's fine he promoted lonely and horny for us you're an asshole that was nice uh cool happy new year oh wait my mother was already on the first episode of the new this is the first

one we're recording after the new year happy new year uh so we're different uh but this is the litter technically the second episode of 2017 yeah uh what's new about us gosh a couple near death experiences I'm Buddhist now oh I got a haircut yeah you got a haircut your hair's shorter for the first time and how long you got a haircut I think since like August wow wait no it's got to be long August is only four months ago I believe I got a haircut four months ago when was the last time your hair was like short short oh short short you got trims I'm talking the last time your hair was this short maybe it was like lonely and horny that was like the shortest haircut I had which was last summer no last December a year ago January so when you go to the barber with long

hair what do you say I was just like get this off of me yeah and it was so long I was just like just like short on the sides long on top and I'll just tell I'll tell you when to stop don't ever let me see the bottom of his hair who was it a random uh random lady yeah Rudy's Rudy's yeah did she like feel the gravitas of the situation did she realize how big of a deal it was for you well she was like so so what's what's happening here and I was like it's gotta go what's happening that's a good reaction to what your hair had become yeah I don't I think it was more like what do we like what do we do yeah but yeah yeah it was trying to fix this or just start over yeah I guess it was kind of loaded and before I was like yeah so like we're gonna I was you know walking her

through I was like basically me and my brother are the only ones that think it's cool and everyone else hates it and she was like I get it uh and then she's like really uh kindly it was like do you want to start with a wash just because I can't touch what this is because you know they I want to clean the hair that I'm about to cut you're gonna throw it away it's like washing garbage so we went with a wash oh you shampooed I yeah I mean it was just for her you didn't want to touch me it was dirty it was ugly it was nasty and then when you shampooed your hair were you like oh maybe this is all I needed no because I've been shampooing my hair it but it had been a minute and I had like gone to the gym yeah I didn't do any favors you can't you hadn't

showered in days you you went to the it was sweaty it was matte yeah it was it was it was the climbing gym so I was probably it was probably more the chalk that was all yeah the chalky chunky dry but greasy hair and then they sliced it diced it cut it on the side yeah the other way no uh scissors cut on the side oh scissors are cut on the side scissors cut on the side did any part of you want to go like extreme like short and then leave the top mohawk just because you you created such a canvas for yourself yeah you could have done some crazy things I think actually like because I had I sort of had like a shaved side mohawk type thing before I grew it out and then I like that it was long I was craving just like the most normal hair could I could

possibly you want it to be norm I was yeah just make me look like a nice boy from the 1950s yeah you want it to be a guy that didn't care about his hair yeah that's what I wanted for the first time in a while yeah and you haven't worn a hat since yeah I wore a winter hat over over the break but that's the biggest change going for wearing a hat for like five months to nowhere I went to a wedding over over the break and just like not being stressed out about like could I wear a hat or like would I have a good hair day on the day of the wedding it was your wedding yeah it's but you know it's really funny and then we can go into the show because I feel like I'm taking up a lot of personal time talking about my appearance but this is important I cut my hair I was feeling so

good so confident excited to see all my friends and family back home for the holidays I landed and I had the biggest zit on my nose that like I popped and turned into like a cut it was just like this monstrosity on my nose so I like could I even though I felt better on my hair I couldn't feel like hot for 10 whole days am I just making it up or do you usually get a zit on your nose during like important things like I have memories of you dealing with that kind of stuff yeah it happened once on tour yeah and also again once just before like uh like south by or something where was it on your nose now uh right here right above the right nostril oh got it yeah um usually it's been in those past two times it's literally dead in the center yeah like the save by the bell oh my god

front and center I have like visions of you like dabbing it with an alcohol cotton swab yeah just trying to dry it out so it wouldn't look quite as red yeah and then just fucking cutting it anyway so it turns into a scab that's pretty much exactly what happened this time you just make it bleed I was like all right all right her wits don't touch it yeah don't touch it it's going to be fine then I look in the mirror I'm like god damn it's there's a white head under this yeah don't don't touch your nose kids you know I once had a fantasy not a fantasy but a daydream where I'm like if I had a zit on my cheek could I theoretically like vacuum it up with a straw you mean like puncture a little straw like imagine a vacuum the size of a straw that sucked so voraciously that I just

put it over my zit and it would suck the white head through the pore like you know how when you squeeze you're basically squeezing down and sort of forcing a volcano to erupt yeah could you create a suction that literally just stole the pus out of the pore uh like a hand punching through a jelly donut and I feel like we could really easily create this science experiment because we we just get a shop vac a bunch of duct tape and a little drink straw oh and then just sort of duct tape it so the because the opening of the vacuum cleaner is wide it's like a ping pong ball we can like make a basically a funnel yeah I want a ping pong ball to a straw adapter yeah so the same amount of suction but the small small surface area it'll probably be the I feel like it would increase the suction

because it's the same like yeah pulling in the air but a smaller surface area let's do it I just yeah yeah all right uh I guess let's stop following your snapchat I just I just start rubbing grease on my face so that I get this it that'd be I'm down to uh give this a shot on Monday if you want we got the vacuum we have duct tape I guess next time one of us gets a zit yeah I mean I always will oh actually no I'm pretty good aside from that nose thing yeah if this was 10 years ago I wouldn't have a problem uh all right about the back zits oh that's pretty good there's always a back zit yeah you got one right now at a shoulder guy at a shoulder guy all right this is if I were you the only zit podcast on the internet hosted by us I'm Amir I'm Josh what do we do we answer emails if

you can believe it or not people trust us for whatever reason to dispense our wisdom about their lives they're in difficult places they think we'll know what to do to get them out of it let's see if we can help some people right now let's start with one of my favorite questions that I've read in a while just so I can get into it uh this guy's name is let's call him feud ur feud ur yeah I thought I was giving you a second I thought you had another no that's it feud ur writes I'm having a problem with Britney Spears well not Britney directly but my girlfriend is obsessed with her and it's her birthday in two weeks she wants me to buy her meet and greet tickets for her concert in Vegas but it's gonna cost $2,000 for the ticket alone plus plus flights

to Vegas and hotels and shit in addition to that she wants us she wants us both to dress up in that red oops I did it again dress so she can show Britney for my birthday she bought me tickets to Maui so now I feel kind of obligated don't get me wrong I love Britney but should I spend this much on a weekend and dress up in a red latex costume thinking emoji love feud ur feud his girlfriend wants him to wear a dress to a Britney Spears concert and then he was more of a latex pantsuit but yeah yeah yeah she wants him to shame himself in front of her hero for her for her birthday right so how low would you go I think this is like an emotional limbo to me I would balk a little bit at the price like $2,000 is that per ticket

for the ticket alone so yeah let's say it's per ticket $4,000 plus flights I'm assuming they live in the California area that's why they're like Maui Vegas like oh yeah they're west coast peeps for sure so maybe the Vegas ticket's not gonna be that expensive hotel it's really I guess it's really about the concert ticket probably gonna this whole thing this whole experience is gonna run you about $5,000 this is before you slip into the latex just I don't even know how you get that costume that might be expensive too yeah and putting it on how shameful like you'd have to be you'd have to feel really what a weird psychological experiment that would be yeah you don't just think of the moment of like you meeting Britney Spears wearing a weird costume that she wore yeah think

about walking through Las Vegas in your Britney Spears costume yeah getting in your like getting in your matching one with your girlfriend yeah even how about even just think about the elevator ride from your room down to the lobby and think about how uncomfortable and sad that will be yeah in front of an asian family of four like imagine you're on the 12th floor of course you hit l it's going down and you see uh stops at 11 oh somebody's coming in someone's about to come in your stomach sinks it's and that will happen it's someone wearing the Britney slave costume he walks in with the chair my girlfriend oh my god so you go to the concert you're dressed as Britney I mean what happened it's Britney bitch it really you really are Britney's bitch poops I

shit it again the next day you guys are having a nice brunch a breakfast at the Bellagio all you can eat buffet oh god you still haven't taken off the latex for some reason it won't slide off it's that skin tight I've also heard that this like Britney meet and greet ticket thing is like not you wait in like a very long line she comes out you're like not allowed to touch her it's not like an intimate like meet and greet where you're gonna get to like talk to Britney hey like I'm a big fan check out this crazy costume it's like she nods at you imagine how what a weird level of pity Britney would feel to you she'll see the girlfriend dressed as Britney and then she'll pan left to reveal you in a similar latex suit and she'll be like

oh no uncomfortable I'm sorry dude uh I think you can say no I think he could say no I think he could say you feel uncomfortable it's of course you can say no to wearing the costume by god you should say no to wearing the costume but what's your reason other than I don't want to wear the costume imagine imagine this what's this girl's life uh been like that it led her to the point that it's fine for her to ask that wait what's the latex costume from uh let's see oops I did it again oops I did it again Britney there's like a scene in that video where she's talking to the guy remember that dumb little breakdown where she's like uh oh I thought the old lady dropped it in the ocean oh that was that song yeah the guy's like this while I swam down and got it for her oh like

he can want to dress up as that yeah be that guy like to finish the oh my god yeah this is a real legit it is so funny imagine him wearing this skin tight latex red suit all right I'll put on this suit all right and learn the choreography for the dance what the fuck are you talking about I'm not I'll I'll learn the I want to show Britney you in the dance I want Britney night a high five as to what a push over you are and wear the makeup too I feel like it won't read unless you're wearing the white highlights yeah this sounds like a real weird prank that the girl like the girlfriend's gonna break up with him in front of everybody is this peak britney uh yeah but I think so is oops I did it again peak bae I guess probably how old was Britney during it I feel like peak

bitney Britney is the uh python and at the MTV movie awards what's the pie the what music awards or movie awards whichever one they were what is it oh Britney with the fucking python oh what about Britney kissing Madonna oh yeah was that peak Brit I guess so because it was all downhill from there when did she shave her head oh yeah oops I did it again was in 2000 and Britney Spears was born in oh 87 so that's when she was 13 what's that you pervert you fucking monster man I don't know she was born in 81 that was 19 year old Britney Spears doing oops I did it again in a latex red suit Jesus Christ anyway uh so um you can you can you can hard pass you can hard pass we wouldn't nobody would nobody would get mad at you for saying you don't want to wear the suit accept your

girlfriend and if she does then I don't know if she should be your girlfriend I like whenever I got into arguments like this I like to imagine the girl explaining it to her friends and be like I don't think the friends can take her side on this yeah they can't be like fuck that guy you're right he wouldn't wear the latex so feud er won't get into this feud feud er is not avoiding a feud oh my god what an asshole yeah he wouldn't yeah would you could you be such a supportive friend that you're actually taking this lady's side that the guy won't wear the red latex suit the $2,000 meet and greet tickets I mean I guess we don't know how rich these people are Jesus Christ what if these people are loaded in $2,000 not that much I guess then it really comes down to the

latex suit how about what if you had the two options of wearing the latex suit or going to the concert oh man so it's either I have to spend four thousand dollars or wear a latex suit yeah it's like dinner I still this monstrous girlfriend's making me choose I still want to get a steak with you at tau oh man I think we should go to a hot sushi spot on the strip I think we should go to Vegas dude should we wear red latex suits and go to Vegas that's in the air it is in the ether we're talking about your birthday is coming up brother it's true two weeks from day of recording all right so don't do it I would I would not I'm yeah I would draw the line at the tickets but you know if you're if you got the cash I think if you got the ash if you got the cash and you

want to do the tickets like at the very least she's not going to be mad at you if you don't go like that like last extra it's like you scored a touchdown with the with the tickets the meet and greet the trip to Vegas yeah and then like she wants you to go for two yeah you're like let's get the extra point let's just do the field yeah we're up three it's important for us to take this extra point lead and then she's like fuck it I want to do like a statue of liberty play let's get fucking wild with it what if he says I'll wear the fucking hit me baby one more time school girls pig yeah mostly about it my latex allergy I'm down to cross dress britney cosplay I just don't want to wear the red uh all right next question this one's written by a lady do you have a lady's

name right I'm a senior in high school and just this year we got six transfers for our basketball team one of them just happens to be and then she says his name but I won't who is one of the best high school basketball players in the nation I'm kind of super into him I mean who wouldn't be he's six foot blank again gonna disguise yeah we don't want to know very tall beautiful face bound to be successful just wondering what's the best way to intrigue him as in get him to be into me he's already responded to a dm but I'm at a loss of what to say to him need to seize the cheese before he's too famous for a commoner like me this is so important question mark thank you and then she sent us the dm yeah what does it say it says holla catch me at the next game

clown emoji eggplant emoji and then he responds with a sly smile so it's more than nothing more than nothing but it's definitely less than something oh she rep she replied to his instagram story that's that's what's sliding into dms is like nowadays interesting so what's the best way to fuck uh basketball players about to be a really big deal so this guy's in high school now it shouldn't be that hard it's definitely gonna get like this guy's he's definitely gonna get used to fucking a lot of people if he becomes like the best college basketball player and then like uh an nba star yeah like and he's only two years away from being an nba star I do want to temper expectations you're not gonna lock this one down no yeah I don't think she's if she's just trying to

like hook it and yeah like she wants to be able to like put her years ago say I fucked Kevin Durant yeah yeah I totally feel like honestly I love basketball so much I would I'm kind of sad that I'm not a girl that I get to fuck basketball players will you give Russell Westbrook a blowjob yeah but that didn't mean anything to him and that was last week I blew beastbrook and then I sort of jato steven Adams didn't steven Adams skull fuck you didn't the like the entire uh okay okay he benched run train on you yeah nick collison um what's his name adrian pain just went to town Jesus uh you rode a mecha okafour

he's not even on the team I know does he play in the nba at all a mecha okafour yeah I don't think so I think he's out of the league he really shouldn't affect him that was a waste uh uh jeez louise uh so what's the best way to do it what do you think what do you think high school basketball players like uh feels like sliding into his dms is pretty appropriate mm you're you're doing it you're nailing it so you just have to respond yeah well I don't think I would like respond to this thread because then you seem a little too thirsty like respond like sliding again with like a more direct um thing like but I think in the in the dm world the next dm will be in this thread well even if she replies to like another one of his stories

yeah I would say you reply to this story in that same thread what do you think clown emoji eggplant means uh that's like fun hey we're fucking just for fun eggplant is dick that's what I think I see it a lot but I've never definitely experienced what else would it be uh let's cook a fun salad together let's eat baba ganousha to circus uh okay so she's like a fun let's have fun sex clown eggplant emoji yeah and so I guess you just follow up with that like next time you're free or you're going somewhere fun whatever let me know yeah like let's actually meet up whatever something yeah because you can't be you can't be too adamant but at the same time you can't be so relaxed that he doesn't actually do it right you kind of have to give him something

concrete I feel like she maybe wants him to write back and be like all right where do where can we meet but I don't think that's going to happen I feel like and the thing is like the kids on the brink of superstardom are maybe a little more guarded that's what I was going to say if he's actually a big freaking deal then he won't want like in his mind anything can leak so he has to be as implicit as possible doesn't like catch get caught up in a scandal yeah and then like if it leaks it's like look she did all the work oh what if you write back to this dm and you move it over to snapchat because then it's then all the messages he's taking are can disappear or at the very least till like see if you start screenshotting shit oh what about moving it to phone or is that more

concrete if she's like here's my phone number like yeah I want it you don't want to like text I say is it too legit to quit though yeah oh it is too legit to quit no it's yeah it's not legit enough that he would quit yeah so you have to keep it with all within DMing yeah but I think you I think you send over your snapchat oh you move it to a different app entirely yeah snapchat so then it's more flirtatious and it disappears and the and there's it's like talking on a burner cell phone right any any any like uh hinty as of like you know being uh not wanting to be like to out yeah exactly right get get caught out and if you're on snapchat don't take a screen grab then it lets him know yeah exactly there uh didn't this just made me think of something remember when we were

in Miami for the Super Bowl and you were texting a football player yeah and you or you guys were DMing on Twitter and you invited us to a party and you wrote back Hala yeah and then he did he was he was typing in a really cool way and then we were at dinner with like a bunch of like producers on this thing that we were working on and I'm like I don't know how to respond to like this football player because I want to seem cool but I don't know how to do that because I'm like a 25 year old white comedy writer and he's a football player so he's like yeah I roll through around whatever and I don't want to be like that sounds great thanks thanks dude should I drop your name at the door right exactly like you know a lot of logistical questions and so I think I crowdsourced

it and the table or at least one person convinced me to just write back Hala H-O-L-L-A and that was the last time I texted Joe Montana let's go to break should we say who it was it's not it's kind of a weird coincidence now and it's not outing him in any way yeah yeah that's true like he didn't do anything bad and either did I yeah but I guess like since he's been caught up in scandal since since it sort of makes it feel like oh yeah whatever sure we can say it it was Joe Montana I don't know what to say no it was it was Ray Rice yeah yeah whether you know who that is or not that just completes the story and actually completes the first half of this episode great first half let's take a break and we'll be back with more if I were you after this this show is

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trial and when you're ready to launch just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain again squarespace.com slash if I were you free trial everything looks good let's launch it just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase thank you Squarespace and we are returned it is January a fish which means our shows in hawaii and Australia are even more so right around the corner hawaii we'll figure it out before we get there a loa hawaii february uh friday february 17th and then honolulu that's right honolulu and then melbourne and sydney thursday march 16th and saturday march 18th we are coming back to australia i'm so pumped and we're going to

streeter the shows are going to be cray z if you haven't purchased tickets yet they are going faster than normal uh we sold these shows out last time we were there let's try to do it again uh those are going to be fun and tickets are all that information is at our website jakeymirror.com last time we did uh was it melbourne on friday or saturday uh it was um yeah and yeah it was sydney on thursday wait no i thought sydney was like ended up being like a monday or something it did feel like a weekend but i don't know if it was the weekend because we raged after yeah it was friday melbourne saturday sydney yeah and then the next day was like all the way across the country yeah didn't we have a day off to or no to get to perth maybe we didn't oh man

i got so fucking hungover uh so check us out come party come hang come laugh come love uh melbourne on the 16th and sydney on the 18th of march um what else anything um no but hit us up you know like hit us up hit us up if you have something cool or interesting to do in australia i feel like last time we were like we were traveling every single day and this time since we only have two cities we're spending a little bit more time we're also like we have like several days after we're only doing two shows and then we have several days afterwards in sydney my goal is to meet an australian footy player who can like take us around oh you want to meet an afl star yeah that's what's up a nat five type i want to fucking party with five really can you imagine it's five on twitter

what a strike uh what a strike uh nat five last time we were in uh australia we took in two ozzy rules football matches and just soaked it in so much became huge fans for about a week i really do want to go yeah we're oh shit do they play during this time i don't know because i didn't stick with it but everyone told us that the best australian rules football player the michael jordan of footy uh was nat five nathan five uh let's see if he's on twitter if you think you think we could slide into his dm with a clown emoji and an eggplant yeah we get arrested at the border by nat five we land and he just beats this shit out of us wait this can't be right no this says no this can't be this is what is it this says nat five has a thousand twitter followers and he's

an afl footballer who's 22 years old that sounds about right again and then he hasn't tweeted in two years maybe he like got it when he was an amateur and then um oh weird does he have an instagram there's lots of different mediums where we could slide into the dm yeah what's the australian versions of instagram it's probably like butt fucking a king rule i'm serious god do you think the world is uh all right we'll we'll do some more research later as to how we can stock this oh wait no this guy is on instagram oh yeah this is more okay now we're now we're here how many how many instagram nat five on instagram it has 121 000 instagram followers that's not bad uh and his last one was a couple weeks ago all right is his name nat five on instagram yeah nat five

no number uh no number just nat five and he is just a cool long-haired blonde australian football god this is what you wanted your hair to look like eventually your your brightness is too low but i'm sure yeah you want it to be like this jacked heath ledger type oh yeah my god very cool very at least i'm buying that shirt at the very least i can be like five in that way i'll buy some green cleats and a footy ball uh and he's also a surfer that makes sense all right shall we try to answer some more questions yeah i'm ready let me see what we got um i want to make sure i want to make sure i read these correctly and um i don't know where my email is so i can't do that um until i open up the tab take your time i am a couple months back

into five's instagram and what do you see wow just a guy who's got it all isn't it cool to be like a superstar in your country and then he comes to america and nobody knows who he is that must be a weird feeling yeah like don't you guys know i'm the best athlete ever who's the who's the most famous person that's not famous in america um i think it's like those bollywood people oh that like can't go anywhere and then they come here and nobody knows who they are and i wonder if they are the literally the most famous people in the world because of the population i wonder if there's any version of that in reverse like the most famous person in america that goes to london and nobody knows who they are probably would it be like an american football player like with tom brady but people wouldn't

know who he is in london right i mean there's probably plenty of musicians i feel like uh if uh if the guy's from chain smokers went anywhere yeah i mean i i don't even know who he is now and i am in america uh all right ready yeah uh let's see let's see oh this one's about high school you got a high schooler's name yeah all right cool twang didleman okay twang didleman writes i'm a high school freshman in toronto and i'm in a bit of a predicament i'm new at my high school but i came from another school nearby with a lot of other people so i've had a bunch of friends going into my first year here's the thing oh this guy sounds like the dude that went to another country and wasn't famous here's the thing i'm conflicted

about who i want to hang out with on one hand i hang out with a group of friends who are pretty innocent and i feel very comfortable around but on the other hand i hang out with another group of friends who are quite less innocent who with whom i frequently get drunk and high with and so on i'm not pressured into anything or anything and i actually have fun with this less innocent group but i feel a lot less comfortable in this group is a very close friend who i've been bros with for three years he's the jake to my amir and if i were to leave this friend group i'd kind of be leaving him which i don't want to do please also take into account that we've kind of grown apart a little and it feels a bit weird and slightly awkward whenever i'm with him

just alone so i feel like it's okay keeping him as a friend uh when we're in when we're together in this group now it may seem like the obvious solution is to just hang out with both group of friends but to be honest i feel like two different people around each group and it's probably not good for me to continue this whole double life so who should i be what should i do thanks for the advice long time fan love what you call him twang didleman do you remember the groups of friends the clicks yeah it was definitely i think this is not unique to twang i this happened to me in high school too so you can't you couldn't choose you had this or that i was like the like the coolest nerd or the least cool popular kid you were like in the middle of these two leagues yeah so you were

either the best minor league baseball player in the world or the shittiest major leaguer yeah and definitely like in the in the popular kid group it was like because i made the guys and i made people laugh no one was ever thinking it's cool or hot there wasn't like a girl that i could hook up with and i guess either group because the uh the nerd guys didn't hang out with any girls right so did you guys have names for the group we had names oh you did we just had the cool like the popular kids oh you'd call like we're gonna go hang out with the popular kids you would say the popular kids um i think no i guess i didn't ever i didn't have like a discussion with my friends be like oh the popular kids might hang out yeah just called them by their names yeah but like definitely that

was the the assumed right by like senior junior year of my high school since there was only like 80 kids the clicks the clicks were so well established that they had like names what were they so our group was called the kramers because we had two kramers in it because uh we had a set of twins whose last name was kramer okay so like the most of them are named kramer so these guys are the kramers so it had nothing to do with like your personality being like michael richards on side film yeah oh yeah different kramer then there was the franklins who's like a bunch of persian kids one of them's last name was franklin he's very creative on a naming front he doesn't say like what the clicks are about yeah yeah that you just describes like generally the people right i got it

but the kramers didn't or the very least kramers didn't mix with the franklins no you didn't want to mix between franklins and kramers but then some of the kramers were in capulets yeah we couldn't do that but my group was not the like drinking partying group although some of the cool kramers still did you would have been a cool kramer really yeah what an honor because i went to parties and i was like afraid of like i didn't want to get high in high school right i was like a don't do drug kramer but then there were the cool kids who like straight up just smoked pot even in ninth grade so the cool kids just do drugs huh is that what it is i don't know but why are they doing when did you smoke pot for the first time it's when i was like 14 or 15 eighth grade ninth grade and who taught

you how to do it uh my friend tom he was 11 uh he was a year older than me i mean like we hung out every once in a while and then one day he was like come over after school i have a surprise wow and were you scared to do it or are you down i was a little scared to do it i was like i i felt the don't do drugs thing like register at all to you uh it wasn't about like the don't do drugs like this will disappoint people but it was more about like what will it feel like i have no idea what this thing is yeah uh and then and i like remember thinking i didn't want to do it but then like you know really not wanting to disappoint tom in the moment and like i remember also walking down is like i bet it's gonna be pot like shit what should i do fuck me and then well then i tried it

and it was fun did you get high the first time uh i don't really remember i think i did a little bit that's awesome dude yeah it was kind of fun uh so if you were to go back to your future past self basically where this guy is right now what do we call him twang twang if you were to go back to your future past self which is where twang is right now would you tell him listen stick with the nerds or would you say you got to be a cool kid i would tell him to keep on bouncing man i know that's not what he wants to hear but like you hang out with as many people as you can it's the best way to get a sense of who you actually are listen we all know that's not possible this is high school after all he's been doing it were you doing both yeah oh you didn't have to choose no i would hang

out with my loser friends and then if any of the popular kids called me i would leave that a fucking happy by old best friend i'm gonna do something called we it was a little bit like that like i mean i think i had like my favorite friends and i liked hanging out with the cool kids because i did like uh i liked being like making them laugh and i liked doing drugs so it was definitely more like i was trying to do that i don't think high schoolers should do drugs yeah that's fine it's fine that i think that or you agree i think they shouldn't do drugs i'm just tell telling him my experience got it good then we agree 15 year old also weeds fine what weeds okay all right who should i be what should i do i'll say

did hang out with the less cool people just because this is if i were you this is what i would do in your situation i didn't hang out with the cool kids i was scared to do drugs i turned out all right uh usually the nerds maybe end up doing better than the cool kids if you did a quick scan of the nerds that you're hanging out with in the cool kids who's in a better place right now in my head yeah the nerds and the cool uh they're all fucked everyone but me is bad uh i don't know it's i mean uh you think about mike carnell he wasn't like a a nerd yeah that dude's directing uh for seth mires now shit but he went through a rough patch for sure and turned out an even better person oh fuck now i don't know what to think i really don't know what the answer is i

don't i don't think that it's like quite so black when it's like the cool kids yeah fuck like peak in high school and that are bad afterwards and the nerds yeah there's definitely gonna be exceptions but is there a general rule i don't even know i think that the general rule is like people that are self-reflective tend to do better and it sounds like this guy's self-reflective see this is a sociological experiment that i think is either amoral or unethical or just a gosh darn waste of people's time but i would like to see like how the kids who are considered cool at high school ended up doing as 30 year olds versus the kids who are quote nerds yeah it seems like there should be a study maybe right after we suck the zit off your back we do like a 30 year

study with uh cool rats and stuff that'd be cool rats and stuff the rats that do coke and the rats that just solve the maze which which rats have more enriching lives all right let's answer one more question just because we're here is that okay it's fine with me i have to pee a little bit but i'm gonna be okay all right let's see what we can do here a quickie if we will uh oh here's a quickie uh let's call this guy datey datey datey data datey data i got oh datey data all right one second i'm trying to read hey data what's your name datey data actually we're out of time um awesome i have to this uh datey data writes my girlfriend of high school and i go to the same college which is a great thing because it would have sucked to have split up our strong

relationship she's an amazing girl and i see us lasting a very long time that's what's so what's the problem you ask the only thing that she the the only thing that is bothering me is that she's very religious and she wants to save herself for marriage in fact your boy won't even be able to make it a third base even that isn't the problem i respect her and her decisions sexually the problem is the massive blue balls she lives me with when we engage in any somewhat sexual activity it's cut short and it's quite the tease of grandeur i've never been one to watch porn more than a couple times a week is watching porn the only way i can successfully get my needs met i guess i'm asking if you guys can help me get off some way i don't already know how todah roba long time fan wow so this

guy we have two funny things looking into different ways to come besides jerking off is there a pill i can take that'll satisfy me and make me come instantly without having to look at porn seems like you should be having lots of wet dreams it's funny that he's like she's very religious and won't have sex with me but that's not the problem the problem is that she leaves me with blue balls it's like no so the original thing is the problem yeah you're probably you have a symptom of the problem yeah the problem isn't that she stabs me a lot the problem is that i'm bleeding to death oh i see uh so is there a different way to get off other than jerk off jerking off and that's probably the best way that's gonna happen for you i think yeah i guess

you can accidentally uh have sex with somebody else yeah and oopsie daisy uh but i think like sex and stimulation from other people would be cheating on her yeah so stimulating yourself is kind of the a number one way to go yeah so your two moves right now are get married which a lot of people in this situation do it to young of an age in order to so they can have sex or to uh leave yeah you don't have to be in a relationship that's right and then maybe she'll be like okay maybe they're having savings myself isn't all right don't get into the manipulative thing like that's she says we should break up because i'm not comfortable and then she's like okay never mind i won't do the saving myself thing uh that's that makes me a little uncomfortable

i understand what you're saying that is it do you ever hear about guys saving themselves or is it mostly a lady thing i hear about both guys being like i'm not having sex until marriage yeah i i guess i hear more of it from couples i don't know like who's the impetus right yeah but i i think i hear more like we are saving ourselves for marriage oh look aren't handjobs not third base couldn't she do that i don't know she we should really consult the priest all right priest come on Koby is ordained uh so you what do you think you think he asked to either masturbate until they get married yeah i think that maybe also he should check in and be like do i want to marry somebody that's this religious maybe he's religious too yeah what if he's religious too like you don't

just think of her religion in terms of not fucking you think think of it as you know do you want to be with uh very very religious person it's kind of weird because if this is literally the only problem it will go away once they get married yeah but at the same time i feel like we are to advise them to get married that seems like the easy way out i don't i don't like uh not having sex before you're married sex is such an important part of any relationship yeah what if it's bad you're compatible no sex no living with each other yeah that's weird to me out what's the deal with that what's the religious thing about that it's like a waste of semen i never read the bible but yeah i think it was a waste of semen imagine how hard because you're not even supposed

to masturbate right i guess maybe like does god really expect you not to nut until you're married i think the i guess the religious thing is like you're not supposed to spill your seed and like it's like a waste of what god gave you yeah i guess it is a waste of semen yeah uh so it's just like you should really only be having babies but it's sort of weird like sex before marriage because is it marriage is it because like once you're married then you start having babies yeah wouldn't it be just as religious to be like we're gonna start having sex now no birth control no anything we'll have it's to have babies yeah you could also do that and it feels like god would be like all right that's fine next episode let's just read the bible soup to nuts genesis to the end

that sounds cool see what happens genesis is the first one we'll figure it out on monday what's the last one exodus rogue one from genesis all the way to rogue one we're gonna read everything that's ever been written uh all right that's it we're out of time thanks for listening toda happy new year again opening theme song was hamilton parody closing one was don who wrote this yes dude sort of remix of sorts yes dude oh email address if you have your own questions is if i were you show at gmail.com now that we're done with this episode of the podcast we wanted to recommend another headgun podcast oh yeah if you're if you're taking a long trip and you need another podcast to listen to or if you're just interested in more podcasts to consume uh we've

been hearing nothing but great things uh and deservedly so for uh our newest headgun podcast called who weekly yes which is linsey and bobby and it's a pop culture podcast that's right if you are a fan if you're a consumer of the reality tv scene delist celebrity people magazine tmz pop culture subculture or if you want to get caught up because honestly that's like not my bag usually but i listen to a couple episodes their podcast and it's just straight up funny uh it's a really funny show it deserves a wider audience is what we're saying so if you're interested if your curiosity is peaked a little bit head over to headgum.com and check out the latest uh episode or two of who weekly we really think you will like it as for us we'll be back next monday uh

toda for listening everybody oh shit this guy yes dudes this guy don don don don don don don yes dude he had something to say and uh i need to i need to i need to pull it oh yeah there we go don uh kiannion kiannion don kiannion is that sounds like a name we would make up on the show and he had a squarespace site for his band www.wolf riot wolf hyphen riot with two ts.com you're not making it easy on me don kiannion don kiannion wolf hyphen riot with two ts.com if you like the song check it out all right toda goodbye what what

what like salmon and rice the jewish equivalent is locks on a bagel oh that was a headgum podcast