If I Were You - 256: Jew Trip

Episode Date: January 30, 2017

In this episode we discuss cousins, crushes, and commitment.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. Thank you to MeUndies for sponsoring this episode of If I Were You. Love you guys. And speaking of love, Valentine's Day. What a segue. You need to give a gift that they can unwrap again and again. And what better Valentine's Day gift than MeUndies Valentine's Day themed underwear? They are sexy.

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Once again, that's meundies.com slash amir or meundies.com slash jake. So it comes time to write and let the podcast gods decide, here's my situation. What should I do if I were you? Wow. That's soothing. How'd you like that? I liked it. It was a slight parody adaptation of Fight Test by Flaming Lips.

You know that song? Oh, really? I thought the guitar sounded like... Yeah, what is this guitar sound? That postal service song. Oh, yeah. It will see us waving from such great heights. Yeah, that too.

The Flaming Lips song is, thought I was wrong, thought I was right, thought I better not to fight. I like that one. This guy's from Seattle named Aiden Avery. AA. AA. That's like Alan Avery, almost. Oh, yeah.

Shout out to Matt Walton from our old video special, Fired. Thank you, Aiden Avery, for writing this song. This is episode 256. As we mentioned, right before we started recording, that is a record for us. It's a record. That is not only a record, it's our most recent episode today. Untested, unbroken. Amazing.

It's also the 255th time we've broken our record, which is a record. Wow. It's also, at 256th, this is our, the end of the 16th episode chunk. No shit. So if you divide our shows into 16 chunks, this is the 16th episode. That's really awesome for us. That's really cool. And thank you guys for listening to every single one of them.

And if you haven't, don't start now. What do you mean? I mean, if somebody's listening for the first time and they're like, maybe I'll get into this podcast. I can tell you right here and now, tell a fuck off. I only ride with my day ones. Not my day comes. So if someone started listening from the top and got all the way to here, which is already

a huge ass that's like probably donating days and days of their life. I will tell you now, this was a waste of time. If they did do it, you're saying it's a waste of time? If they did, if they started listening a couple of weeks ago, started episode one, came all the way up here. Right. Fuck you. Yeah.

You should have started when we started. Oh my God. I know who my real friends are. So you're saying you don't like the people that haven't listened to every episode. And then even in the small subsection of society that's listened to every single episode and caught up, you're devaluing. You wasted your time and you wasted mine. So who's, who do you like at this point?

If they weren't at our very first show at the, where was that place? It was in Lower East Side. Was it Pianos? No, it wasn't Pianos. It was like the sugar factory or the cake factory, cake shop. Cake shop. The cake shop. If you weren't at the cake shop, you can fuck off.

You don't even fall into this category. I was at the cake shop. You haven't listened to every episode. I was, I did every episode except for one. Actually, the only person you're probably describing is me. You're my day one brother and you don't like anybody else. I'm just kidding. I love you.

What do you love? Who? You. Right. You already said that you loved me. That wasn't the issue. I was saying that you planned. I'm playing.

I'm playing. I'm playing. I love you, man. Do you love anybody else? I hate them. This is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us. I'm Amir. I'm Jake.

We actually do. Do thank you for listening. Truly. The way this podcast works is that people will email us. They're sticky situations. They're difficult places. We do our best to advise them out of it. How it usually works for 255 episodes.

We have chosen our four or five favorite questions and answered them. Well, not every time. Sometimes we do a Game Boy. That's right. It's a big game. Actually, is the Game Boy here? Oh, you want to do you? Well, I just wanted to talk to him.

I wanted to float a different game idea by him. Did you say game? Oh. All right. Great. He's here. So what do you think about this idea for a Game Boy? You're not entirely needed.

So instead of, and correct me if we've never done this before, instead of choosing questions at random based on searching certain words, we just read the last emails we've received. The last four emails. Or however many. Yeah. Chronological order. Because some of these may be bad. Some of these might not even be questions.

We don't know yet. So we're just going to go. No matter what they are. We're going to read them. That's right. What if it's spam? Well. Then you lose the game.

Okay. He's back. We'll push the back though. We'll push by those really quickly. I think this is a good way to, like, you know, everyone says, oh, you guys are choosing specific questions. Well, this is literally, we're just going in order of the most recent emails we received. All right.

Let's do it. Sometimes we have to reward random chance too. Yeah. It's not about who you know. It's about why you know. And when you know. And who you when. And when you how.

And when you how, oh, and you how, oh, and you how, oh, and you how. We got an email. That was good, actually. Really? Yeah. That didn't sound bad. That was really. In the jungle.

No, that's bad. All right. Yeah. The high-pitched part was actually. Yeah. That was actually really good. And the jungle. The mighty jungle.

Hey, dude. Why don't you, uh, we'll do the singing part. You do the high-pitched part. Well, I'm great at humming. I feel like I could sing too. You are great at humming. And we want everyone to play their role to perfection. I'll do the singing.

You do the humming. Here we go. Wee. Great. In the jungle. You're abandoning, we need you to hunt while I sing. Oh yeah. Oh yeah.

Very. Oh yeah, baby. All right. So we're recording this Thursday at 10 a.m. We received an email. Most recent email was last night at 528 in the morning. So I guess five and a half hours ago Last night or this morning, buddy. I don't know. What do you how do you quantify 530?

530 I'd say if you're healthy. It's morning. Yeah, if you're kind of a party animal. That's a nighttime All right, let's read the question and then give him a name. So this guy writes I'm a 19 year old dude, man in college. That's why he's like writing at 530. Yeah, you don't know what he's capable of I was hoping to go through this semester with no social predicaments and focus on my studies But bad luck got the best of me. There's this sweetie. I met through a friend who is the ultimate sweetie She dresses nice is nice looks nice talks nice She's everything I've wanted but I have a hard time talking to her as I rarely see her and when I do I freeze up on the other hand another girl from one

Of my classes came up to me and said her friend likes me I don't really like her that much But I also don't want to be mean and turn her the other one away or turn and turn other away Okay, I still want to be friends with her. Should I try harder for the ultimate sweetheart or should I seize the easy cheese? This is a pretty classic question Yeah, I feel like we got a lot of questions of like which girl do I go for right the sweetie or the non-sweetie? Well, the sweetie or the easy and not the easy being like a slut like the easy being like someone I know I can hook up with because

Someone has told me that I could So it's like do I go for the layup not a high degree of difficulty or do I go for the gold? Maybe fail, but still go for it. Anyway. Yeah, so let's get call this guy Usain Bolt. Oh, I think you should go for the gold. I think you should do both, but yeah, I don't think he came because they're friends Did wait Did the girl who he likes? Tell him that her friend likes him I think so no wait read it back because I don't know if that's true on the other hand another girl for one of my classes came

Up to me and said her friend likes me so there's three. These are unrelated Yeah, okay, so these these girls are unrelated Yeah, then maybe he can go for both because if the girl who you liked said that her friend likes you that usually means that she doesn't Right is that or if she's really getting fucking crazy then she does and she wants to see how you play it Wow, has that ever happened where like I like someone I'm gonna tell him that somebody else likes him Just to see if he says no, but I actually like it's happening plenty of times where a girl is like Oh, so-and-so wants to go out with you and I'm like well I want to go out with you. Whoa that really puts that person in a tough spot. Yeah, but it usually works

And the times that it doesn't hell I don't mind I've alienated people before I Put them in really weird predicaments because they have to go back to their friends and they're like hey What did Jake say and I don't think he's the kind of guy you like cuz he sort of just blatantly hit on me No, that's the kind of guy like I love guys. They hit on you Margaret It's always Margaret. Should I try harder for the ultimate sweetheart? Yes. Yeah try harder and seize the easy cheese Yeah, well, maybe not try harder because sometimes that sort of is bad, but go for it for sure What do you think about this this idea of like This one's easy this one's harder. Is that fine to say?

Well, yeah, because like it's not necessarily like easy And this it's just easy in the sense that you Can go into it with full confidence because you're already aware that that person likes you, right? It's way easier to know ahead of time, right? I feel like you would hook up with a lot of more people if you somebody you just Somebody has been trolling at your whole life and walking up to you Be like that person likes you that person likes you and you just have that confidence There was one time when Vin our friend Vinnie Payone did that to me at a party said that girl likes you He said it to me and and a girl. They were like, oh

Hey, so and so says like you're really hot and then he like went up to her and he's like Jake's like thinks you're really pretty and Then we like hooked up and found out after the fact that neither of us Wow Had said anything to Vinnie, but we both did want to do it. Wow. That's a good wingman right there Yeah, he's like a fucking best. Yeah, he was fucking putting love making match making you ended up marrying that woman Which is so cool that woman is my wife. What time of day completely unrelated question But it reminds me how this email was sent at 5 30. What time of day do you think you've been awake the least? hmm First of all, this guy might be on the East Coast. So that was probably sent at like nine, right? Sure

What time of day do I think I've been awake the least that's right I bet I bet five five in the morning. Yeah more so than like 540 Because that could have been like high school time to be awake. I definitely I had a real hard time getting up in high school I used to like my Everyone would try to wake me up

It's like my dad would try them my mom would try and then my sister's like would be getting up in school And they'd be mad because like my dad keeps on yelling my name must be so hard to get six kids ready for school at the same time Well, it helped that like five of us were saints and I was an asshole So it was like everybody else got up on their own and then it was me that wouldn't wake up My dad used to like put cats on my head like just he would like throw the cat Under the covers and then I would I would wake up Go up to the shower turn on the shower and fall asleep on the floor like some sort of

Nonviolent narcoleptic sit-in where you are non violently protesting school would not allow it I would not wake up and walking the door so that they can't walk in every single day But yeah, so I think I just think five is the time that I've at least been up because Five forty feels like you know, I might have done that a bunch for like flying to New York or something, right? What's yours? Yeah, I would say somewhere in the fives It's got to be because four is like when you go to bed when you stay up late. Yeah, five is like son It's coming for plenty of times. Yeah, five does seem like a rare a.m. Five a.m. Yeah, that's a rare one Shout out to anybody listening at five a.m. We know you're out there Donald Trump tweeting exactly. All right next question came

three hours before that At 1 a.m. I've seen before. Oh, yeah Celebrity Deadpool is the subject. Okay, maybe this will call this guy Ryan Reynolds. I'm setting up a celebrity Deadpool Totally anonymous twenty dollar buy-in twenty picks for your list Next time a big name celeb dies I check all the lists and if you have the name you win the money if two people have it You split it then you can either draft a new team keep your old team or opt out at the next round Are you guys interested? I'll be I'll be setting it up on a private website so everybody can see the rosters

So they know I'm not just robbing y'all blind You can write in ben or thomas and then murder them Saw you guys in boston and loved the show best Ryan rounds Well, Ryan, that's fun. What do you think of that? Do you think that's a little would you be would you be okay making money on a celebrity death? Uh, I guess In theory, sure. Why not just choose the oldest celebs. There should be an age cap like wouldn't everyone just put like

Strom Thurmond and Betty White. Oh, yeah, Betty White's a pretty good one Would you feel bad making money off her death? I feel bad making money off Betty White's death, but Strom Thurmond. I feel pretty good about I think he's still alive Uh, I do think so. That's awesome, dude Strom Thurmond, uh, do you want to join? No, he died. He died in 2003. Whoa, really? Yeah, he was 101 So he would be a good one in this 2003 celebrity. Oh bob dole Bob dole's a good one. I mean george, uh Hw yeah, it's like are these people celebrities?

I think Well, we should ask this dude like are you are politicians allowed or is that I mean what does have to be a movie star singer? Yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's a good question. Like are there rules can I would say So for my rules, I would say nobody over the age of 80, but then Maybe nobody then like people might yeah, you want you want to see someone die on the list All right, but then I can I can I choose george hw bush. Can I choose ross perot? Can I choose bob dole or these people are you can stack with politicians and then I mean somebody like that's part of the strategy, right? Right. You would you would want to choose

I guess anybody it's technically a celebrity, right? Like if these dole could easily live like another 10 years or something. I don't know. He's 93 That's uh, two years past strom thurmond But he looks hot Dole has an eight pack Would you want to do this guys that's his question Uh, I I don't think I do It makes me sad when celebrities die. I mean it makes me sad when anybody does right. Let's go to the next question

Ooh a lady. I implicate myself any further. Yeah, this lady wrote to us at 8 30 last night Ready? Yeah. Hello. I am in certain name here Hola I am female 19 and a loser Oh Well, I told my crush. I liked him and to my surprise. He didn't immediately push me away Well, we have been talking to be honest He doesn't seem very into this and I asked him why he didn't push me away and he said no

It's cool now because I gave you a chance to actually conversate and I enjoy you as a person WTF does this even mean was I friend zoned? Am I getting any dick? Also, am I being a pushy prick? Thanks love Inertia Oh, yeah, why inertia? Uh, just because her name was insert name here So I took the first word and I turned it into a female word. Yeah, I thought it was something more scientific

insertia Which is she wants dick insertion into her. That's very good Uh, so this guy said no, it's cool now because I gave you a chance to actually conversate and I enjoy you as a person Yeah, you sure you have a crush on him? Dude sounds like a robot. What is this? What do you think this means? Do you the do? I don't know. Do you think it's possible that this guy is shy and he doesn't know that he has feelings for her and then it's also possible like don't you want to like Admit that you have a crush to someone that like reciprocates and then you guys can have a crush on each other and everything's hunky dory forever

Yeah, that's nice. You're right. But I don't know sometimes like you hear stories like oh, I had to work for it And it was hard at first and it was worth it because it paid off and I finally won the person over and the other guy was like, yeah Maybe she works for her. She wore me down erosion over time Whittled me away. We had a chance to conversate And uh, I enjoy you as a person. I still believe in passion. That's what I want. I want you feeling the passion Especially at age 19. You're only 19. Yeah, you should be feeling passion. Right. So you're saying pass on this guy Yeah, isn't it easy to just say pass? Yeah, sure

Pass pass that was easy I don't have to do it. That's good for me. But how do you uncrush on someone? Oh, you know, it helps you try to just tell yourself things that you cannot prove So if I have a crush on someone that doesn't like me, I could be like, oh that person is probably stupid Yeah, yeah, I don't really know if that's true, but I don't want to be with someone who's stupid Oh, I can't like he doesn't like me because he has a micro penis And he doesn't want to get intimate with anybody. Yeah, there you go. Oh, what a bullet I dodged or you can imagine uh

Finally being with that person and then wasting a lot of years of your life And then he ends up doing something bad to you Right, you're like, uh, I wish I could go back in time and have him just say I don't want to be with you That's a way that is like a Tried and true way to get over somebody. It's There is like a name for it something ridicule What is it? It's you just like take a feature that you never liked about them

That for while you had to crush you overlooked, right? Or you know, maybe like when you really like them, you're like, oh, they've got a little mole On their on their forehead and it's like it's so cute They're characteristic and then like you don't like them. You're like and they have a fucking ginormous mole on their face And it's like taking it. It's like I swear to god. It's growing. Yeah So protruding it looks like a unicorn. So yeah, you're like it's like the opposite of what you do when you're in a relationship Which is focus on the good stuff. Yeah, you want to do the opposite right focus on the bad

Even if it's superficial minute not that big of a deal sounds petty works like a charm I'm tom petty. It might sound like me, but I won't back down. Nice dude Do We should say that we have new shows coming up Not only are we going to australia in march on the 16th and 18th. Yeah, we're now also. Is that what it is? Yeah, march 16th march 18th. Melbourne and sydney. Yeah, melbourne on the 16th sydney on the 18th We're also going to denver on april 19th. No. Yes, april 19th and tempi on april 20th And hana lulu on february

17th Yes, and there's might be a chance that we've announced the south by southwest shows in austin So we're trying to hit as many cities as possible Yeah, dude, this is a International and national tour if you ever want to watch this podcast live Drink with us hang out with us party with us. Have a fun time We're going to be in many many cities. Hopefully near you. Hopefully you can make it out Hopefully tickets are still available and the information for all this stuff is it if I were you show dot com correct amundo or jaconamere.com

Correct amundo. Uh, let's try to answer one more quick question before the break What's up boys? I have a problem. Oh, this was written at 6 p.m. Yesterday. Okay. What's up boys? I have a problem. So try to wrap your fat juke hocks around it I love this guy already. I'm 15 and a freshman in high school. My name is blank But since you will need an alias, I doubt it matters So my cousin is my age is one of my best friends at school and me and him hang out a lot You never hear about a similarly aged cousin. Sure you do your grade. Did you have any cousins in your grade? Like same age same thing

Not me, but my sisters did. Oh, that's funny. I never yeah, I never think of like Yeah, this is me and my similarly aged cousin. Which is totally doable. Yeah All of my family members have similar age cousins. I'm the one awkward age. Uh, so problem So, oh, sorry. No problems until he starts hanging out with this girl Now this girl didn't immediately take to my quirky irreverent humor and soon got tired of me They aren't actually dating but she acts like they are which I wouldn't care if they were But what she is doing by acting like they are and having him not hang out with any other girls is stressing him out And he has told me that he really likes her

This happened to me last year and I really regret not either making a move or ending the friendship I know we are too far. I know we are far too young for this drama and I sound like a privileged retard But I don't want to see him go through what I did any advice would be helpful. Sorry for the long email. Thanks This dude's language is very very brash and sort of makes him unlikable But his problem is it's a very kind hearted thing that he's he's worried about his cousin Yeah, he's worried about his cousin the colonel the colonel here is that this guy's a good guy He's a good guy with a good cousin and his cousin I think and a fat juke cock. But wait a minute when I read the question

I'm like So this girl acts like they're dating my cousin says that he really likes her but then Uh, the one bad thing is that He's can't hang out with other girls is really stressing him out the cousin out So so far the cousin said that he likes her the girl asks like they're hanging out And he's just projecting the idea that he's stressed out I think well, I think is happening is that his he's worried that his cousin Is has been even though I hate this term friend zoned. That's what in his eyes, right? Like

Oh, I thought the cousin is is with someone and that girl was like I can't have you hang out with anybody else I think his cousin is like friends with somebody trying to break in has a crush and she's like acting like they're dating or something and Taking his time away from other girls, but they're not hooking up. It's how I interpreted it. Got it 15 year old drama. Shit, right So how does he get the cousin away from this woman? I mean, he can't do anything Your cousin's gonna learn the same way that you did. He's gonna waste a little bit of time Yeah, it'll be fine. It seems like this is when you learn the hard way This is when you're developing all these things when you're 15

You're allowed to be making lots of mistakes like this Yeah, and that's how it's good to make these mistakes early Because if you're not doing this stuff now, you're probably going to be doing it at age 25 or 35 And that's when you really really don't want to be doing it. I I mean you end up doing it then too, right? I believe this guy's australian Um, because at a certain point he said the word mateys that I skipped says are either australian or a pirate Killian's irish red All right, so

Let's take pirates are coming back dude pirates fuck zombies, man So all pirates are irish I am pirish have pirate half irish a hundred percent. Killian's irish red. You're a potato. So am I Uh, let's take a quick break. Thank a few more sponsors And we'll be back with more questions that were received in a chronological order right after this chowming Like yeah, man. All right, dude This show is sponsored by better help. Thank you better help if you're finding yourself in a difficult anxious

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Help comm slash if I were you check them out. Thanks better help Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Wow For years and years and years we've been ranting and raving about Squarespace because it's the best way For dummies like me and potentially you that don't necessarily know how to code or design To create a professional looking website So if you're building an online portfolio for yourself or a loved one or you want to sell stuff online You can do an online store. They have 24 7 live customer support email campaigns

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Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10 off your first purchase of a website or domain Again squarespace.com slash if I were you free trial. Everything looks good. Let's launch it Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10 off that first purchase. Thank you Squarespace And we've returned Hello This episode comes out in Let's say January

What's a monday in january monday january 30th? Hell yeah, how was your first month of 2017? It was it was good. Did you did you complete your resolution? What was my resolution to get ripped? Yeah, shredded. Yeah, I I mean not complete complete, but I'm I'm I think I'm on my way I've been going to the going to the gym climb in as much as possible. I'm We're leading relatively healthy lifestyles. Oh, yeah, because we're not traveling. We have no excuses Yeah, I'm trying to I guess like my my goal date is to be Uh, I I want to get as healthy as I can before australia because that's going to be

That we're going ham. Yeah. Yeah, we're going absolutely ham Absolutely ham. Yeah, and I'm eating ham and I'm eating bread. Yeah Oh, it's it's it's a ham and cheese croissant lifestyle on the road to me Oh, yeah, folks. It's that hashtag ham and cheese croissant lifestyle hashtag hash browns with breakfast brother You had hash browns yesterday with breakfast, of course I have to start shit up I have to shock my body every now and then Uh, yeah, that's going to be exciting times. Uh, what else is happening in february? God. Oh, yeah, hawaii show

We already talked about president's day, of course uh We're Fast into trump's presidency. Who knows what's going to happen in february? I assume you'll be would you bet on him being impeached by the end of the four years I Were you at the bar when I asked this the other day? Oh that if would you bet on I was like, how many people here think he's going to last four years

And everybody didn't know what thought so. Yeah, that's a tough question to ask a bunch of liberals that hope he's not going to last four years He's biased They're sorry. They're biased him too a little bit. Are you sure? I feel like he's skews right of center Uh, yeah, that's gonna be I don't know whatever Trying to think of anything else we should get to before we get back to the questions But maybe we should just speed through some more Are you ready? I'm having fun all content episode all content all the time Here we go. This one's called Jew trip to israel. I'll take it from here

Yeah Chaya writes I've been dating my boyfriend for about a year and some months now Everything has been fucking great before me. He went on a lot of dates including a date with someone he worked with Nothing went past one date, but he remains friends with this girl who I've met There really isn't uh, there really isn't too much to hear so I can't say anything mean about her except One of her friends told my boyfriend that she wanted to fuck him on a vegas trip that she invited him to At the time I didn't think much of it. I don't give a shit what she wants

But then her being a jew and my boyfriend being a jew decided to do the free israel trip thing together I told my boyfriend that taking a 10-day trip with her someone who disrespected our relationship Should not even be friends with him and that i'm uncomfortable with him going with her Since she wanted to have sex with him even though he's in a serious relationship Am I being irrational by telling him not to go with this desperate broad? I know he will not do anything with her But the idea of her being a trashy whore and trying something leaves me uneasy. What do you guys think? I feel like this question. Yeah, I feel like

Despite the voice that you read it in like I don't think she's being unreasonable. I think she's this is the most this is the most logical reason to Fear like people meeting and hooking up on a birthright trip. That's the purpose of birthright. Yeah Birthright is invented To make jews fuck each other to make more jews That's the point especially because this girl's not jewish and you better believe that when you go to israel you are you fall in love with israel And you and the idea of making jewish babies definitely definitely comes into your mind

Yeah, you went to israel as a half jew and you came back as an orthodox rabbi Uh, so Your fear of them. I mean she's not jewish. They're both jewish. It's funny that this girl's like, I know he won't do anything I think he will So it's tough to say it is hard. It's I don't want to I don't want to put the fear of the jewish god in her But the whole but this is yeah, this is like I don't know. This is a tough situation He's going away on birthright with this jewish girl. Yeah, I mean I want to say

The girl's definitely gonna try to And he's definitely gonna do it. I I want to say that like, you know, you Unfortunately, you've already lost your boyfriend. Well, here's this over. Here's the thing. This is what I'll I'll leave you with some cold comfort What better way to test your relationship? Is this guy for real or is this guy not worth hanging around? Yeah, I know I think it test is if he goes to israel with this girl. Oh if he even goes Yeah, I because you can go to birth right by yourself. He doesn't need to go with the girl that's trying to fuck him So what he's gonna go on a different trip. Not with her. Yes, that'll be better anyway Why?

Because you get to go and meet all brand new friends instead of somebody that's going to destroy your relationship I don't know that's what you I mean the thing is you're if you're jealous of this girl that's gonna that wants to fuck him You could theoretically be jealous of all the other girls on the trip who will inevitably want to fuck him And of like the hot israeli soldiers that want to fuck There's yeah, and then it's like who else who do you stop being jealous of? What about our co-workers that wants to fuck it? Basically, if you have the core it sounds like you might already be a little jealous like you're jealous of the co-worker if you have a good

If you have a good boyfriend Other people will want to fuck him. That's sort of the weird catch 22. You want a guy that everyone wants to fuck But then you also want a guy that doesn't want to fuck ever. You can't have it both ways If you want someone that no one wants to fuck you date a bad guy and you don't want to do that either Right, so you want to date someone who's so great just like your guy everybody wants to fuck him But he would go to he would go to knock at all. Yeah, that he's not going to fuck other people Right, but how how can she know how can she prove it? Does she want to know?

And I also think he fucked this girl Didn't this is exactly how I don't want to name names, but this is exactly how someone met their wife Yeah So this is how plenty of people meet their wives. No, but like literally in a relationship with someone going to birthright Yeah, a friend of ours was in a relationship went on birthright cheated on his girlfriend Came back broke up with his girlfriend married the girl he met on birthright. That's right Again, this is not what this girl wants to hear, but at the same time, maybe she has to hear it We've got nothing but respect for you. We love you. We love you. This is a tough tough situation to be in

We also love that's why we're giving you the tough love that you need um But I don't want her to be like she's it's it's it's not it's not a hundred percent going to happen There's a chance that he remains faithful. There's a chance. He doesn't like this other girl There's a chance that he doesn't even go on birthright A lot of people talk about it and then they like go to sign up and they forget, you know Yeah, so maybe Don't make a big deal about it yet

Oh, yeah, you like can you imagine this girl's feeling like when the when the guy ghost like he's leaving for israel They hug at the airport and then it's just fucking 10 days of unadulterated alone romance time in israel So many bonding things and like you're see you're going to the fucking Holocaust museum like crying your eyes out you come you come out then you're like going on a rafting trip You're like hiking up a mountain you're partying in jerusalem or in uh televieve It's it's a whirlwind. Yeah, you're feeling a lot of feelings It's summer camp basically and like fucking camping out at night under the stars I think that this I think there there's an inherent problem that this dude wants to go to birthright with the girl that

Wanted to fuck him actually. Oh, you think it's kind of a dick move. Yeah, I do interesting I can't wanting to go on birthright. That's cool. But I don't think you need to go with somebody who is Uh expressed interest in having sex with you. Yeah, but I think you can't like can't the guy be like if you're in a relationship And you tell your girlfriend That a girl made a move on you. Yeah, then It's off the table of you going on vacation with that girl But why like what what do you mean why what if you're like, I don't like this girl

What I can't just I can't ever be around a girl that wants to fuck me. Yeah That seems like It's precluding a lot of things like if that has nothing on me like what if a girl liked you? Uh, and she just happened to work in your office. Do you have to quit your job too? No, but I wouldn't I probably wouldn't tell my girlfriend that somebody tried to fuck me Yeah, but what if she heard from another friend? I would say it was a lie Look, I'm saying if if you if it's one sided it doesn't matter I don't think that's necessarily true. It's never that black and white. But if if you

Have somebody that like makes a move on you when they know you're in a relationship And you share that with your significant other. I don't I think that precludes you from telling her like oh Hey, stacey wanted to fuck me. Also. I'm gonna go on vacation with stacey. Like you can't do that Oh, yeah, yeah, this is a tough one What if the Jews are meant to be Now you're fucking you're some sort of reverse racist What if the what if the other two people are meant to be and we're saying you can't meet each other You want you want you want what birthright wants?

Which is only jews procreating. Although, what if he goes on birthright? There's gonna be other single ladies on the trip like at a certain point He's gonna have to go to israel and spend an amazing time. Yeah, but there's a difference between like him going on vacation with other single people and him going on vacation with somebody that Uh Explicitly wants him I like that. That's such like just jew trip to israel How is your jew trip chad? Well, there's no jew's name chad, but you know

Uh mercy. Good luck. Keep us posted. Yeah. Yeah, let us know if uh, you want to go on a date to make your boyfriend jealous while he's in israel I'm all for uh For for doubling down on my christian half. Oh, that's good. I'm half protestant. I'm very proud. Yeah, you should go on a uh A catholic trip to Rome. That'd be nice Uh, all right, let's see if we can answer one more question. A catholic trip could also be to israel. That's of course correct For jerusalem does have a christian quarter Furthermore, this person named, uh, is a gay 16 year old at college Next

This guy wrote an email yesterday. Hello. I'm a gay 16 year old at college How it's like the last two years of high school at a separate school All right, and i'm struggling with my love life It seems that all gay men my age just want to fucking chuck as many other gays in the area I've had a bad experience with multiple gay guys in my area and they've all done the same fucking chuck system to me Am I putting off the wrong vibes? How can I find someone that wants to settle down or should I just wait for uni? Thanks guys. Oh, so I think he's like in some sort of british

Country where college is the last two years of high school in a separate school before uni Anyway, he's a 16 year old gay guy that's getting fucked and chucked a lot So he's he's an old soul. He wants to settle down with somebody. Yeah, even at age 16 Uh, I mean, I cannot relate to it, but Am I putting off the wrong guys? I think you're just at that age people are more Eager to quote fucking chuck. Yeah, when you're 16 more people are fucking and chucking than uh, fucking and Sticking but i'm thinking about sticking I guess you can be honest with people before you hook up. Hey, I'm not just down to fucking chuck

I guess you can hold out for longer. I know that's a Probably a good strategy It's like I don't sleep on the first second third fourth date And then it's like if someone wants to stick around and really make a connection and then fuck me then that person's worth it Uh, I guess it's cool that you're 16 years old and already feeling that way I think it's fucking and chucking days were probably when he was like 12 and 13 and he's over it now people also go out they you know, yeah, there's like Ebs and flows with this like it maybe when I was 16

I was thinking about settling down. It's like, oh, it's so nice. I want to have a girlfriend to go to a movie with Yeah, but then like You do that for a little bit. You're like, actually I want to have some freewheeling single time Did you tell your parents about girlfriends? Like did you brag about that or were you like kind of shy about it? Um, were you like I have a girlfriend mom like at age 14. Oh, no, I know I was kind of shy about it But then like what do you do like um, can you drive me to the movie? I'm gonna see it with Cheryl or whatever I mean, I think that like I don't I there weren't a lot of

I had like one girlfriend in high school. So it wasn't really it was not really an issue But we would I'd have like girls over and my mom was always I guess this was more of it Like I was hooking up with girls and I didn't want my parents to know about it And then they would always be like, oh is someone so your girlfriend like no She's not like I was like hooking up with people and then when I had a girlfriend maybe I was like I might maybe I was excited to tell them because they like hadn't seen me have one. I don't really remember

Yeah, I was always like so shy. I didn't tell my parents anything like I didn't even want to like go on dates Because I'm like, oh, I don't want my parents finding out or asking about this person or all this stuff and that's not changed Yeah, and here we are at 34 years later still keeping them at an arms distance um One last question. Yeah, we have time for one last question All right, the question after that Uh, it seems like it's very urgent. So maybe I should read that one It's I think I'm in trouble with four exclamation points

And then there was a follow-up that said update on my situation with three exclamation points. Okay. Let's see if I can get through this This is a guy We'll call him um Mordecai About eight thinking about the jewish About 18 months ago. I dated this girl for a few weeks. Let's call her Maisie We both decided that it wasn't gonna work and we went our separate ways

We sort of kept in touch and slowly became really good friends Uh, we live in different cities. I in london and her in manchester And this makes it rare when we get a chance to meet up and just chill She started to date this guy and i'm actually happy for her and she is really open about her relationship and sex life Which I don't mind as I share with her. I share mine with her also She's very recently started to talk about how she isn't having a satisfying sex life with him and she did with me She says she regrets that we didn't make things work and I honestly agree I figured that we would kind of move past it and it would not be an issue anymore

But she brings it up every time we talk. I don't know if she's hinting at wanting to hook up with me or if she's just reminiscing I'm so confused because she seems to be really into this guy She's dating and I don't want to be the one that breaks it up and this could be her true love But I don't want to hook up with her as she but I do want to hook up with her as she is incredibly good looking We are meeting up next weekend to chill and just kind of hang out Do you think I fucking bonehead think I should try and make a move if she's into it great But if she doesn't uh want things to get weird between us But I don't want things to get weird between us as she is a great friend

And then one day later update on my situation hooked up with her this girl. Uh, I was meant to meet up with Uh started to sext me At first I was apprehensive because I know she has a boyfriend But I started to get into it when she agreed to send me nudes I also asked once and I didn't really need to push her to get it I'm sorry. I only asked once and I didn't really need to push for her to get it Uh, I know I shouldn't assume this means we will definitely fuck when we meet up I know she has a boyfriend and I'm usually good

I'm usually a good guy who believes in karma But I wanted I really wanted to fuck this girl for a while and I definitely don't want anything like this to happen To me I'm aware that this would be cheating and he's not my boyfriend But I've reminded her on numerous occasions that she's in a relationship And I think she I think that just makes her want to do it more Should I seize the cheese and just try to fuck her not worry about the consequences help Update on my situation again nine exclamation points. I am fucking her. I'm curly inside her

Does this mean she wants to fuck I was quite apprehensive at first But with each passing thrust, I really feel like she's into me And I even to her Upped it on my situation. We've had sex four times now. Do you think she wants to hook up yet again? I don't want to read too much into the coitus, but I'm starting to get vibes that she's not really into her other boyfriend Geez Louise man This is the opposite of what we usually get which is like a guy like hey, this girl looked at me and then walked away Do you think she's into it go for it and this girl's like

Yeah, I like you. I'm sending you nudes. I'm sexting you. I want to hook up and hang out and he's like Do you think she's into me? I think she needs to break up with her boyfriend. That's what I would say I wonder if she even has a boyfriend I think the I think this girl definitely likes you It sounds like you want to give it a shot and not just fuck like He says he he wished they gave it a shot when they were texting before. Yeah So I think you say if we are you I don't want to do it while you have a boyfriend I don't think you should fuck her while she has a boyfriend

I don't know if this guy's playing dumb or he's actually this love dumb, but like this girl is obviously into you Oh, yeah, you're a full-on moron. Yeah, I don't know Maybe he used to be unattractive and he still has that like mental image of him He's like no girl can be into me. Yeah, but she is sexting me just wants to sext It just would hate to have my dick even though she said she preferred it to her boyfriend Yeah, and I kind of agree with her. I also had fun having sex with her It sounds like neither of you guys care about the boyfriend very much So why don't we just remove him from the equation who he said ps we can call him jr. That's a pretty cool name

I like that. All right, jr. Listen up. Go for it. Connect four Uh, you can probably and will probably hook up with this girl if you haven't already Uh, this email was sent yesterday, but you'll probably only listen to this after the weekend Uh, let us know what happened. We want to we want to follow up pup on this guy We want to know how many times he slept with this girl. Yeah, can you imagine after all this? He makes a move and she's like, whoa, you misread this situation. Where did that come from? Those nudes were very very platonic. I really think that you should

Make sure she breaks up with a boyfriend first Yeah, don't do it unless she breaks up The the relationship is so thin and flimsy. I barely call it cheating at this point I mean, she's clearly checked out in every possible way. Yeah, well, which is exactly why it's cheating Yeah, whether she breaks up with him before or after it seems like it's it's gonna be moot in the long term a foregone conclusion But I think that Make sure that the breakup happens. Uh, all right. Cool. The end. That's it That's all if you have your own questions or theme song submissions

Send them all over to if I read you show at gmail.com Sometimes they'll be great and we'll read them. Sometimes we'll just Play this game again. I don't know. I think it worked out. Let us know what you think tweet at us snapchat us instagram Vine we're on vine they closed vine, but we figured out a way to keep it going We invested our own money We're the only people left on vine. They closed it for everybody but us The opening theme song was written by Aiden Avery. This closing one was written by Amelia. Let me see if Uh, she had anything that Amelia had anything that she wanted to plug

Uh, did we have anything we wanted to talk? Oh the head gum store. That's awesome shirt available right now That's awesome, dude the shirt Uh, and we should have jeffrey on the show soon. That's really true. Uh, Amelia Amelia sween. That's it Thank you Amelia for writing this theme song for us. We'll be back next week toadah. Goodbye. Good night adios If I were you and you do you then you'd be doing me You'd make all my dreams come true If I were you

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