If I Were You - 257: Netflix and Chill

Episode Date: February 6, 2017

In this episode we discuss Kanye's education, Lindsey Vonn's schedule, and our upcoming HeadGum podcast festival in Austin!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. Okay, okay. Justin Gong Calvus is back. Back at it again with Calvus. And this is a parody of a Mac Miller song, Life Ain't Easy. Mac got it again. If you were a rapper, you know how every rapper gets to rap about their struggles? Yeah. Or they get to brag.

So like, if you came from a pretty good lifestyle, like Drake, his raps are about how he can fuck girls and he has a lot of money. Like having a bad relationship with his parents or something. Right. But if you're like a rapper who had like a tough childhood, it's like, oh, look at what I came from. I was able to overcome. Mac Miller is called Life Ain't Easy.

He's just saying that life for him is entirely easy. Sure. So what would your raps be about? Oh, like what's my struggle? Yeah. What would you be like? You know what? I did this and now I'm here.

Maybe dropping out of college. Oh, that's good. Yeah. So like you'd have an album called College Dropout. That's a catchy title. Yeah. Anyone do that already? Which one?

It's Kanye West's album. Isn't that High School Dropout? I don't think so. Dropout, rapper, yeah, the college dropout. Where did he go to college? Kenyon. He played La Crosse at Johns Hopkins for a season and a half. I think he was a Vassar dude.

He went to a small liberal arts school. Kanye was an art history major for three years at Sarah Lawrence and he didn't really drop out. He just didn't decide to pursue his double minor. He just didn't walk. Yeah. He totally has a degree. Oh my God, he's not a college dropout at all.

But the album still stands. Well he's got that whole album about breaking his jaw and like wrapping through the wire. That's cool. Where did he go to college, is it say? Let's see. College. Oh man, you're really making me search this. He went, he got a scholarship to attend Chicago's American Academy of Art in 1997 and began

taking painting classes. But shortly after transfer to Chicago State University to study English, he realized that his busy class schedule was detrimental to his music work and at 20 dropped out of college to pursue his musical dreams. That's cool. So this is not even that long ago, like 18 years ago Kanye West was taking a midterm. Yeah, 19 years ago he was painting a picture. This isn't very good.

I think I'll, can you imagine like Kanye figuring out how to transfer? Like calling a registrar at Chicago State, asking which courses sort of carried over because he didn't want to retake math or science. Of course. I've been taking a lot of painting classes is all. I think I'm a pretty good rapper, but I need to, I'm a surrealist as well. I need to transfer to study English. Crap.

All right. What is this? This is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the web hosted by us, I'm Amir. I'm Jake. Wow, just still on Kanye's Wikipedia. At age 10, he moved to China. China. Nice.

Thank you. Let's see what else we can do this with. He was born in Atlanta. No, there's not really any syllables in there. Georgia. No. His, his dad's name was, I'm not seeing anything. Oh, fuck.

All right. So how does this show work? We get questions. People are in difficult places. They're in sticky situations. They need our help. I don't blame them. We're really smart.

Why not look for us for guidance? I'm a genius. And so we do our best to advise these people out of their sticky situations. Sometimes it's just us two, and today is that case. Oh yeah, baby. All right. This one is, this question, we got a lot of lady questions today actually. You know what?

You forwarded them all to me and I'm going in blind. I didn't read them. I was busy. I think these are all for lady questions. Really? Yeah. That's fun. The four for four.

Nice. Very good. Thank you. Do you know what team he's on? Ooh, it's not, is it the Hawks? He used to be on the Hawks. That's correct. Ah, shit.

He's on the, I don't know, Boston Celtics now. Oh, that's fun. You hurt your back or something? Is that why? Yeah, I jacked my back, pulled it. I did something weird. I don't know. I was rock climbing, hanging upside down, and reached for something.

And then you felt it. Yep. And it felt it. And it hurt. It was more of a pull than a pinch. It was like, oh, I extended it too far or something. And then you tweaked it. I tweaked it.

I pulled it. You yanked it. I yanked it. So you know what's in store for you now? You know, it's not as bad as it's been before. I think it's going to be, I think it'll be fine tomorrow. Let me, tomorrow than Friday. Let me sit on you.

I'm sitting on an ice pack in a moment, but you can sit on me. Let me sit on you. On the ice pack? No, I want to sit on you. On my face. I'll sit on your face. All right. This person writes, I'm a female in college from Canada.

Yep. Last year, I had relations with a boy from school. We both first had sex with each other on an overnight ski trip organized by the school, which was a special trip for both of us. He transferred to a different school at the end of the term, which happens to be the number one party school in the province. Oh, yeah, baby. You know, it's McGill.

It's got to be McGill. We weren't interested in LDRs and I didn't want to limit him to a new experience, so we mutually broke up. Two months later, he started dating another girl who goes to my school, which means he's in an LDR, which doesn't make any sense since we broke up to avoid this fact. Here's the actual problem. I'm going on a ski trip again this year as part of a planning committee and he and his new girlfriend are also going.

Even though I'm totally over him, I don't want to speak with him or see him and his girlfriend doing the same cute shit we were doing exactly a year ago. We have some similar friends, so it'll be inevitable that I'll have to C slash interact with him and his GF. Bottom line, how do I have a good time on this trip without being annoyed by him or his presence or how happy he is with his new girl? Is it a bad idea to be drunk four days straight? Should I tell him that I slept with his best friend, which I actually did?

To make him feel as angry as I used to? Any help would be greatly appreciated. Tota. Being drunk four days in a row is fine. Is it? Ah, it's fine. It seems a lot. It seems fine.

I don't think I could do four in a row. Back to backs are tough. The occasionally you can squeeze a third day, but I don't know if I've ever been drunk drunk four days in a row. It's a lot. Well, we were in Australia. I don't know if I did four. Remember there were like, what was that one show that was like, I can't drink anymore?

I think it was the last show maybe. But it was after we had like partied in Melbourne for two days and then like, I guess we sort of had a night off in Adelaide, but then we went partied in Melbourne, partied in Sydney. I need a night off. I need like four and five. Anyway, that's not the question here. Fine, yeah. She used to be mad.

She's clearly over it. You used to be mad, but you're still mad too. What should we call this lady, a 19 year old from Canada? Lindsay Vaughn. Very cool. I don't know if she's Canadian, but she's at the very least a female skier. Yes. Yes.

Oh, I'm actually, this is such a fun way to say it. What's up? I'm dating Vaughn. No way. I'm going steady with Lindsay fucking Vaughn. I'm dating Lindsay Vaughn. What are you talking about? I was just with her last night.

I was with her two nights ago. She said she couldn't hang out last night because she was gonna Netflix and chill with a girl. She told me she couldn't hang two nights ago. She was gonna Netflix and chill with you. I'm texting her now and she's saying she's due to Amazon Prime and relax with some other babe tonight, but she's down to hang out on either Monday or Tuesday. Oh, holy shit.

I just texted her and she said she's gonna hulu and hang. Really? With hulu? She didn't specify. What the fuck? I'm asking her about next week, but sure enough, she's kind of freaking... Seesaw and lay in a hammock with her cousin. What the frick is happening to our lives?

Vaughn is playing us. How many paid services are there? Vaughn is playing us for some sort of fool. Jesus Christ, she's gonna T and T and T. What's the T part? Have T. What? Well, she watches T and T.

On demand. She's gonna T and T on demand and T. She has cable now. She's my girlfriend, though, for real. That is really cool, dude. I really like that. That's awesome to hear. What was the...

This girl's over it. No, she's not. Clearly. Yeah, not, but... They broke up to avoid an LDR and then he started dating some other girl at his school. All right. It doesn't matter why you broke up. I think once you break up, all rules are off.

How he lives his life, it's gonna be his thing. You don't need to like... It's not like he said, we're not gonna be an LDR. I'm blanket against all LDRs. He obviously found someone that he felt so impassioned by that he's breaking the LDR rule. I don't think there's really any ground to stand on there. So, if you're angry, have you ever seen an ex-GF canoodling with a boy? Ooh, good question.

You must have. I've barely heard about it. Oh, by the way, I'm dating this person now. Yeah, I've definitely heard about it. I don't know if I've ever... Seen it. I mean, I've like met ex-... This is how little I care about that shit.

I probably have. I have zero recollection of it. That's baller. I just got a text from Vaughn. Give me your fucking phone, dude. Yeah, here we go. Her schedule for the next month. Day two.

YouTube red. And what? And cryogenically freeze. I guess he's doing some sort of freeze therapy. That's so sick. Day nine. Yeah, go ahead. Are you ready for this?

Yeah, I'm in here. I'm in complete disbelief. And disregard. Vimeo on demand. And what? Tanning bed. Really? Yeah.

I don't know how she can see it. What about day... What was that? That was day nine or a little bit? Yeah, I'm just skipping ahead. Day 15. I'm just seeing other things like that. Day 15.

Day 16. 15, I said. She is going to go to the... She's going to a theater. And what? That's it. That's all it says. She has some sort of...

She's going to an off-Broadway production. That's awesome, actually. I guess. It's cool to support the independent arts. It's all Hamilton, this and Book of Mormon, that. But it's good every once in a while to see a black box theater and see where the arts really born. Okay.

I'm going to actually do a little bit of... What I'll do is try to suck my dick on a stage in a bar in St. Mark's. It's mostly karaoke, but I'll go up there. I'll request Bohemian Rhapsody and just attempt to go to town on myself. One of my sister's first stand-up shows was a comedy show when she was at NYU. It was a sketch comedy showcase and also a burlesque show. So it would be burlesque performance, then a sketch, then a burlesque performance, and then a sketch.

My parents were there. There was one performance where a girl dumped a Coca-Cola on her naked body and was eating fried chicken and laying on a desk. And that was the comedy part. And then another one where a guy was dressed in a top hat and a beard jumping up and down, making his dick twirl in circles. Oh, his dick was out. Oh, fully out.

Is that legal? I think it wasn't burlesque because I feel like burlesque was about hiding the actual private. Like tassels and stuff. Yeah. No tassel. Just cock. All right.

Specific questions. I don't know if you can because it sounds like you're annoyed already. Right. Is it a bad idea to be drunk for four days straight? Not a great idea, but not a bad idea. The problem is if you're drunk and mad, that'll just amplify the mad. Right. Like this seems like it's a recipe for disaster.

I guess yeah. You got to just stay positive and then you'll be drunk and happy. Should I tell him that I slept with his best friend? I think that's what's going to happen if you get drunk. Yeah. I would not do that. She's going to kill him with whatever the opposite of kindness is. Meanness.

Yeah. This is like when they go low, I go low. Should I make him as angry as I am? Yeah. Well, it's funny because you want to make him as angry as you used to be. You claim that you're not angry, but you want to make him as angry as you once were. Why? But look how many exclamation points and question marks are.

As angry as I did, question mark, exclamation point a lot? Yeah. No. You're all mad. You're very mad. I just hope to God this new girl is less attractive than you. I mean, that's the worst. Well, on the outside, because I mean, on the inside, there's almost no chance.

Oh my God. Can you fucking imagine? Isn't it the worst when your ex just fully upgrades? Yeah. I mean. Tom Brady meets Tom Hiddleston. That'd be awesome. I think this girl just needs, yeah, you just got to chill.

You guys broke up. Yeah. So that's fine. And now it's time to move on. And now he's allowed to date whoever you want, and so are you, and you should have forgotten about him. Move on? Like Lindsey Vaughn.

Check out LindseyVaughn.org. It's a way to combat the current regime with your time, money, effort, sort of helps you figure that stuff out. LindseyVaughn.org? That's right. It's a subsidiary of MoveOn.org. That's really cool. MoveOn.

And then there's LindseyVaughn. Why don't we see if LindseyVaughn.org is available for our next Squarespace ad. Oh, that's a good idea. LindseyVaughn. Oh. You know what? I didn't know. I have been spelling Lindsey incorrectly my whole life, so maybe I'm dating somebody

else. Oh, that makes a lot of sense. Yeah. I've been dating a different Vaughn. LindseyVaughn.org is being squatted by the same dude that stole Jake Hurwitz.com from you. Fucking trying to price gouge me. They keep on dropping the price and it always is just a little more than I'm willing to

pay. How what are they at now? 755 or 750, 745. That's nice. 795. That's that. I want to see it below five hundo. And then I'll pounce.

Maybe if you just wait so long, your personal stock will also decrease. Yeah, I think that's what's happening. Yeah. You realize that. JakeHurwitz.com isn't worth as much as Jake Hurwitz used to be. It's directly tied to my net worth. Which means as it gets lower, you also can't afford it. Very nice.

Very true. All right. But that's enough. What? That's enough. Okay. I don't want to have you attacking me where my wallet is anymore. I was just joking.

Yeah. It was pretty funny, but not funny enough. All right. Sorry about that. So why don't you just take a chill pill and relax? So we got another question. Hey, fuck you, man. What?

How do I make him as mad as I am? Another question from another woman. Ooh. Well, this lady's a 26-year-old girl who hooked up with a guy on New Year's. Ugh. Hi. I'm a 26-year-old girl. And a year ago, on New Year's, I met this dime of a guy while vacationing in the Bahamas

with my friend's family. Bahamaman. Yaman. Uh, we ended up hooking up on the roof of a hotel and I have to say it was some of the best sex I've ever had. Roof sex. Yeah, dude. He lives in Chicago, as does my older sister, so we made a point to meet up the next time

I was there visiting, which it was last August. Again, great sex, great time, and I would definitely be down to do it again. In fact, he wanted to meet up again that weekend, but our schedules didn't match up. He had family visiting. In November, I decided to reach out via text because, hey, why not? After a little texting back and forth, I told him I wanted to see him again. His response? Ugh.

Radio silence. Uh-oh. Now and then, he has liked some of my Instagram pictures, but we haven't texted at all. I decided to let it go for the time being, but recently I just booked a trip to a Chicago to visit my sister this Presidents' Day. If you or me would you, A, text this guy and let him know I were coming? If so, when? I'm getting there on February 17th.

Or two, or B, forget him and don't text him, even though the sex was really good. And my last text to him was, I want to see you again, and he did not respond. I'm not looking for anything serious with this guy. I just want to do me and frankly do him at the same time. I'd love to hear your guy's perspective on this and would appreciate Ate Jake's texting advice as well. Ta-da. Love.

Hope solo. Oh, good. Because she's hoping, but she's solo. Oh, very good. Hopeful solo. What do you think? The non-response is cold. It's cold and it's coy.

Well, this guy is in Chicago. What do you expect for a boy? Very good. Would you, I feel like even if I wasn't interested, I would have a hard time straight up not responding to that text. I want to see you. Didn't she say they were like dwindling anyway, like they weren't talking as much? I know, but I want to see you again.

It needs to elicit something from someone who doesn't even live in your city. Or is that the exact kind of text that he didn't want to see and he didn't respond? That's correct. That makes plenty of sense to me. Guys are down to be polite, polite, push like, he's basically, he's pushing the food around on his plate. He doesn't have to eat it and then all of a sudden you like took a huge scoop and tried to put it in his mouth and that was finally when he had to be like, enough.

I'm not hungry. I equate it to like being an emotional cat. So cats are very skittish. If you make a big noise, they'll scurry about. But instead of a big noise, you made an emotional move. It's like, oh, I can be flirty. I can be sexy. I can keep it light and casual and then it's like, I really want to see you again.

But that is, I mean, I don't, I do agree with her thoughts that like that's not, that's more flirty than like needy, you know? Yeah. It's not like, hey, I'm thinking of booking a trip to see you. Yeah. Totally. I want to, like, I have a desire to be with you. That being said, I think the safest thing to do is, especially if he's liked your Instagram

photos, no text at all, but you post a picture as soon as you get to Chicago. Oh. Geo tag that shit. I play that game all the time. Yeah. I mean, a lot of, a lot of, like that's a good example of like, it's kind of like fishing. It's like, I post this thing and it's sort of like you throw, oh, you're bleeding. Yeah.

You're bleeding. Uh-huh. Is that okay? Yeah, it's fine. You're bleeding though? Yeah, I'm bleeding. Yeah. A little bit above your elbow.

My body's falling apart. Got it. It's completely falling apart. I'm dying. Yeah. Posting like this thing to social media and I guess in general I've noticed recently, it's kind of like chumming the water. You throw bread into the ocean.

Oh yeah. And then it's like, ooh, let's see who bites. Like, hey world, I'm in Chicago. All right. Let's see who bites. Who's in Chicago that wants to see me? So it's a passive way of making yourself available to him. Yeah.

I almost guarantee he's going to reach out. Really? Yeah. Interesting. Because I would think maybe the non-response means he's with somebody else and it's like, ooh, I can't. I don't want this other person to see. That's possible.

But I think that's why the Instagram post is perfect because you're not like putting yourself out on the line more than you need to be and you know that he's following you on Instagram that he's seeing your shit. That's true. But here's a counterpoint. What does she have to lose by texting? If he's into it, yeah, but if he's into it, there's a chance that the Instagram post is not enough to draw him out, whereas a text would.

You sort of have to meet him a little bit more than halfway. And there's not a downside. Well, the downside is that you look a little desperate. Not that that really matters because I don't really believe in it, but I think the bigger downside is she sends that text. She sees the last text is, I want to see you no response, the next text is, I'm coming to Chicago in the middle of February, are you around? No response.

And then it's just like too big of a blow to your ego. That sort of sinks its teeth into you and you're going to think about it too much. It can ruin your weekend. I'd rather not try because that means I could fail. And if you post the picture and he doesn't respond, it's like, oh, I barely even tried, so I'm fine that he didn't reach out. And I wouldn't even recommend it if I didn't think that they were going to net the exact same response.

I think that he's just as likely to respond, like if he's going to respond to, hey, I'm in Chicago text, he'll also text you based entirely on the Instagram post. What do you think of a little bit of both? You post the Instagram, give it a day, and if not, you can text him, hey, by the way, I'm in Chicago. That's even worse. That's even more desperate. But that's assuming that the Instagram post was for him.

Yeah, but I mean, it's all about what you know in your heart. But he doesn't know. He doesn't know, sure. But then you've, I mean, it just sets you up for even worse failure of I posted on, I went fishing, didn't catch anything, then I jumped in the water and tried to wrap my legs around a shark and it didn't, and then he got away. Where is that freaking salmon? I'll tell you, I'll tell you what the middle ground is to me.

Okay. No Instagram posts if you're, if you're wanting to take a bigger swing of the bat. DM? No Instagram, no DM either. Just a straight text, just like, just like you're saying, but no, but Dave, you get to Chicago. Oh, like by the way, I'm here. Yeah.

No, like, hi, I'm going to be there next week. Let's plan to hang out because that's the kind of thing that we people get scared of commitment. Emotional scaredy cat. Yeah. I don't like knowing that. I don't see somebody coming to town for any reason that is going to set aside a night for me.

Right. Too much pressure. Pressure. But, you know, night off, you're out having a couple of drinks, you say, hey, I'm in Chicago. Oh, wow. Interesting. Where? And then boom.

Yeah. Keep it casual. Keep it light. Keep it superficial. No planning. Day of. So now that you have the full 2020 vision of this full discussion, you still suggest the Instagram post or do you suggest the text?

Okay. Now you're bleeding. Wow. There is just a lot of blood coming out of your elbow and your teeth are starting to fall out. Rattle. That makes sense. Check this out.

If I shake them around, it's like a Maraca. Yeah. I still say Instagram post is what I would do. Got it. All right. And I'll say text and you can decide. Night of or before? Night of.

All right. Night of on HBO is what Lindsey Vaughn is watching later tonight. All right. Let's take a break. We'll thank a few more peeps. We'll be back. It's going to be fine, you guys. It's going to be fun actually.

Adios. We're going to make jokes and stuff. You're going to love it. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation, talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place.

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It can give you the tools to find a more balanced life. I've tried therapy. It's been very helpful. So you can find that balance better with BetterHelp. All you got to do is go to betterhelp.com. If I were you, you do that today, you can get 10% off your first month. So the prices are already affordable because you're not paying rent for a building somewhere that you have to drive to and wait in a waiting room.

This is done entirely online, but you're still getting professional licensed help and it's extra affordable. That's betterhelp.com, if I were you. Check him out. Thanks, BetterHelp. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Wow. For years and years and years, we've been ranting and raving about Squarespace because

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I bet that's available and you can have it today and you can buy it through Squarespace and build an awesome website dedicated to me or I guess dedicated to anyone else in your life and maybe you want to give somebody a gift this season, a summer birthday coming up. Who doesn't want a website? So the best way to do that is to go to Squarespace.com slash if I were you for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain again, Squarespace.com slash if I were you free trial.

Everything looks good. Let's launch it. Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you, Squarespace. Welcome back. Hola. Now I'm lying down. Things are feeling a lot better.

I just want to make sure you're not getting any of the blood on the couch because I see your right elbow sort of touching the pillow. I know more where, where I'm bleeding from and it's also it's kind of congealing. So it's not really dripping. You're coagulating. That's a nice. How did you, how did you start bleeding? I'm wondering.

Um, I, I'm not entirely sure. Uh-huh. Yeah. I don't know. You're, yeah. So, and then the bruise on your arm. I see a bruise on the other side right there. Right there.

Yeah. Did you see the one up here? Do you see that? Yeah. How is that? You're bigger, right? Are you anemic or something? You hit your shoulder?

You know, I'm not sure. I, I, I, I, um, I don't know. Hey, somebody, you would tell me if someone was like, uh, someone was hitting you, right? I don't think I would tell you, but nobody. I'd probably keep that a secret, but I don't think I'd tell anybody. Like if Marty was, I saw him raise his voice at you earlier and you, you sort of squinted. You hesitated like he was going to strike you. Like he has before.

Right. Oh, interesting. Before? No, I didn't say that. I wouldn't say that. And I haven't. And he would hate it if I did. So we can cut this part out if you really don't feel comfortable.

Great. That was so quick. I think it's from climate. Yeah. Man. Small price to pay. Well, I hurt my back, uh, like 10 minutes into my session this morning. So, you know, that was a little rough.

It's February. That's why. What's happened in February? Just the, your one month resolution is now kicked into overdrive. You're not spilling it to the second month. Oh, so it's like. And maybe your body's not physically ready for that yet. Right.

So like the idea of getting ripped, my body is sort of just like, hey, that's enough. Yeah. Now, now I'm going to rip your skin. Yeah. Okay. Now your back hurts for three days, buddy. Why don't you take a time out? How about try to work me out again and I'll make sure you're fucking legs hurt too.

This time don't go so strong. How's your home? The home is, it is coming. Would you say is that a sweet home? It is a sweet home, uh, Mama Jamma. What's that? Sweet home, Mama Jamma. Okay.

Because I don't live in Alabama. Of course. So we call it the sweet home, Mama Jamma. I see. I did see that weird welcome mat that you had. I had about $2,000 on Etsy. I just said, ma'am jam, though. Do you think anybody would get that?

Well, that's what happens when you buy a discount $2,000 mat. A discount. They're usually five. Oh no. Uh, there was, I'm doing the last, the last, uh, like, upgrade to the house of, uh, of changing my water system. Oh. The water is getting an improvement.

It was getting hard in here, so soft in all your water. I am getting so full, I'm gonna take the tank out. I got calcium deposits in my sink. I just kidding, like Jason. So I'm, I'm removing the, the big water tank. Uh-huh. I'm gonna go tankless. Of course.

Uh, it's better for the environment, better for my water bill. Okay. And then I'm also getting a, uh, soft water filtration system. Interesting. Because my, my water is hard and it's not fun to have hard water. You know what I just recently found out? Yeah. The average American, cause I just, I'm starting to pay, like you, for water for the first

time in my life. I don't know how much water I use. I assumed it was like a couple gallons a day. Seems like a lot. Yep. Uh, and I had used thousands of gallons since I moved in. And I was like, how much does the average human use? And it turns out the, every house on average uses a hundred gallons of water per person

per day. Wow. A hundred gallons. And I said, how can that be a hundred gallons? I think of like a five gallon thing of water is more than enough. Some more searching. Toilets use three to five gallons every flush. A sink running uses a couple of gallons every minute.

A shower can use up to 15 gallons for like a 10 minute shower. It still doesn't get you up to a hundred. The rest is water you consume. So you're drinking gallons and gallons of water. Must be 70 gallons of water a day. Sprinklers? Another? I turned mine off.

You didn't turn yours off for this month? I just figured out how to do it. Jesus Christ, man. It has rained more in LA this in January than it did all of last year. Yeah. But this is the hard thing about home ownership. Nobody tells, like sometimes you get like a message from your landlord that's like, hey, don't use as much water or something.

But you know, fuck it. I'm my own landlord. So let's make this mud wet. And then there's the last bit of designing, which is buying shit like we bought from the citizenry. We're talking about high quality pillows and stuff. Yeah. When he said shit, it was just a metaphor.

For stuff. Yeah. Do you want to tell people about the citizenry? Yeah. So I fell in love with the citizenry's stuff and then I shamelessly emailed them and I told them that Meenamir were social media influencers. This is not just you posting a picture on Instagram. You texted them.

Yeah. Yeah. I sent them a late night text. But they were down to work with us and I was excited because the citizenry is not, they don't only just have beautiful stuff, they're also socially conscious. There are socially conscious home decor startup and they combine modern design with time-tested craftsmanship from all over the globe. So what's the deal?

How can we, how do we promote them while still given our listeners something special? Yeah. That's the most important part. So what we are doing is we partnered with them, we got some really awesome stuff for our houses. Yeah. High quality, I never thought I'd say this, but really nice high quality pillows. That's how you know we're in our third.

We actually care about the quality of our throw pillows now and they've got some really beautiful stuff. So we thought, what better way to tell you guys about the citizenry than by starting a giveaway with one of their really awesome Palermo Tripleina chairs. So how do you enter to win a chair? You go to thecitizenry.com. With a hyphen in the middle. Yep.

Not where you think. It's in between literally every other letter. No, thehyphencitizenry.com. You buy literally anything and they've got, like we said, amazing pillows, lots of cool accessories for your house, throw blankets. They specialize in these butterfly chairs from Argentina, but they've also got oversized lumbar pillows from Mexico, palm leaf baskets from Uganda. Everything they do is they work with different artisans from all around the globe.

10% goes directly back to the artisan communities. So by anything, anything you want from there, you enter the coupon code giveaway, you get free shipping and it automatically enters you in this contest. We are where we are going to help them give away a really beautiful chair. So if you go to thecitizenry, thehyphencitizenry.com, check out their stuff. If high quality pillows tickles your fancy, if that really just draws your interest, then you'll really like thecitizenry.com. You buy something, put the gift code giveaway and that gives you free shipping on the item

and then you're entered to win a free chair. Yeah. I mean, before you even check out anything, just go to thecitizenry and look at the Palermo Tripolina chair. You fall in love with that. This is not like a one in a million shot. I mean, there's not going to be a ton of people buying stuff from thecitizenry using this coupon code.

Yeah, there's not a million people that listen to our podcast, so you actually have a chance to win this chair, which has like a $700 value. So we'll tell people who won in about a week or two on a podcast episode. But enough about pillows. Let's talk about my rugs. Area rugs. Area rugs, listen, it is crazy how when you buy a house, you care so much more about what is inside of it.

Yeah. And then the last thing you have to care about is art. How do I know? I've been asking people's advice about what furniture to buy. They don't know what kind of art I like. I have to actually make that decision. So I'm putting up a Conan O'Brien Got Milk poster with poster putty. They're not even sponsoring this, but I used Frambridge, and it's great.

You should do that. Yeah, you can just frame. You find literally any image that you like, and then you can have it professionally framed. High-res photos. What if you think, what if I decorate my house in like, the theme is like seventh-grade poster chic. So it's like a poster that it had of like Conan O'Brien and a Got Milk ad, and then like a pull-out sort of butter bean, the Fat Reth boxer guy from a sports team.

Were you a butter bean fan? Yeah. Or like a Lakers poster, or like a pennant, a Los Angeles Raiders pennant. So like the whole house is decorated like it was. I decorated it, but in 1996. A Ferrari poster. Yeah, Ferrari on a sunset, maybe a hot chick holding a beer, or a hot dude holding a soup. Or an ugly guy with a stick.

Yeah. There were three guys. One is fine, two are pretty hot, and they're all holding different glasses of fruit punch. Minute-made fruit punch from fucking Concentrate. One has like a pitcher of this shit. You're selling these posters. If you want my Minute-Made Fruit Punch Pitcher Poster set, go to Minute-MadeFruitPunchPitcherPosterSet.org. It's a non-profit.

This blood's gone. What? This blood's totally good. That's going to be a scab now. And what do you have to show for your shit, Blumenfeld? You haven't scabbed in a minute. Do you work out at the gym this morning? Yeah.

So Billy, who's been training me, as you know, as we've talked about on the show, we're doing something called Mass Week this week, which is where we do heavyweights, less reps, but we start at what the heaviest weight we can do is. Wow. So like, let's say last time when we did the bench press, I ended up at 135. Do you remember that stuff or does Billy? He remembers it too, but I remember it because it was 45s on each side. Right.

He's like, let's start there and see if you can do six and then go heavier and see if you can do four and then go heavier and see if you can do one or two. And could you? He was really nice. Billy is very optimistic. He's like, I think he could do 225. I'm like, I can't do 225. I barely put up 135.

I can't do 225. That's so much weight. He's like, well, let's just add a little bit more, add a little bit more. So I went from 135, then we added 10 and I tried 155 and I could like barely do any. And he's like, put like, I think let's try to put on 185 because that's the NBA combine weight. When college basketball players are auditioning for the NBA, one of their statistics is how many times can you bench press 185?

That shows how strong you are. Just to put you in perspective, Kevin Durant couldn't do any and that was like considered a huge knock on him and he wasn't taken number one. People think because he's not going to be strong enough to play in the NBA. So I put up 185 and Billy helped me lift it off the rack and then as I lower it down, it's too heavy. It's going to crush me. And it starts lowering it down to me.

I'm like, I need help. He's there to like spot me. He's like, you can do it. You can do it. And I'm like pushing back up and I know he's helping me up and he's saying that he's not helping. He's like, see, I told you, dude, 185 and I have to just sort of like smile and like yeah.

I don't want to disappoint him to disappoint me, but I know he helped me. That's really funny. But I bench pressed 185 according to Billy, according to Billy, which is good enough for me and Billy did it together. The one set of footsteps next to the bench presses when he was lifting for me. Do you see, do you feel your body changing? Yeah, I feel a little stronger. Do you notice it in the aside from feeling it?

I mean, do you like see it in the mirror? Yeah, I see it in the mirror. Unfortunately, I'm never going to take any topless photos unless if you go to thecitizenry.com there's a poster giveaway. All right. Let's try to answer some more questions for Christ's sake and Christ is sake and sake is Christ. Excuse me.

Nothing. Oh, another lady, all right, shoot, I'm in my fourth year of university. Let's call this lady, Allison Felix, I guess, for whatever reason, we're on an Olympian kick. You are, dude. I'm fucking over that shit. I'm looking forward to the Winter Olympics. I guess that's why you said Lindsey Vonn.

I hate the Olympics. I love the Winter Olympics. The Olympics are great. So I'm in my fourth year of university and I just met this guy who turns out is now living with my close friends that we party with and have classes with, so we are constantly hanging out together. I really like this new roommate and I have been told by multiple of my friends, girls who I live with and guys who he lives with, that he likes me too.

However, he has yet to make a move other than dancing with me. This is when the situation became fucked up though because I was hanging out with him the other night at a bar and all of a sudden a girl came up to him and they went to go dance and they ended up going home together. Next time he comes to my house because we have the same friend group for pre-drinks with a hickey on his neck. He doesn't mention it and once he becomes drunk enough he starts trying to dance with me at the bar again.

Apparently he told my guy friend that he thinks he fucked it up with me and that he was going to apologize but no apologies were made. But I danced with him anyway and he attempted to come home with me. I really want this to be something more but is he just a fuck boy? Also, even though he quote likes me and is not a shy guy, why won't he try to talk or hang out with me outside of the group? I'm not into just sleeping around especially with someone who I'll have to constantly see around.

Do I say fuck it and move on to someone else or give him a shot? I don't have very good luck with guys. Is it me? I'm pretty sure my family is beginning to think I'm a lesbian because I never bring guys home. What would you do if you were in my situation? The family means like bring guys home back to the family house for dinner right? Not like bring guys home back to get fucked.

That makes sense because I also read it as the dad's waiting all up and he's like Jesus you're not bringing any dudes over to hook up again. Why aren't you getting laid? It's college. It's 2 a.m. Fuck. Cool dad. Awesome dad.

Actually I guess if that's the dad that's not cool. Cool dude, bad dad. I think cool dad is like I want you to have fun but be safe. I don't want to know. Yeah. Do your thing. Weird dad. Weird dad is like I want to see the guy you're fucking and I want to hear about it.

What about uncle? Same as dad or halfway way? I guess even worse if that's the uncle. Yeah. I want to see the guys. Sheesh Luis. So about this guy. It seems to me that he's shy.

He doesn't want to make a move so he does the dancing thing which I can relate to. I often just dance instead of go up to talk to people. So he was dancing, he liked this girl and then a cute girl came to dance with him and then he just went for it because when you're dancing and drunk and a girl goes for it you're not going to say no. But then you heard that he felt bad that he fucked things up with you so maybe he does kind of like you. I mean it depends because he could be a shy guy and do the dancing thing because that's

totally true. That's what you do, right? Yeah. One girl, you're dancing and she's like, I want to go home with you, let's go right now. You'd be like, oh sure. Yeah. Right.

I'm not going to stop it. Yeah. But then if it was somebody else and she wants to just dance and get to know you, you'd do that too. Right. It sounds like this girl maybe just got scooped by someone that was a little thirstier. Right. Who went for it.

Yeah. It's like this guy's move to dance and it sounds like it worked too well on this other girl. But she's not into just sleeping around. So if she doesn't want to just sleep around. I mean I don't think you can judge what this guy wants to do based on one person that he went home with. Right.

It's always fine. It's hard for people to just reject like a one night stand if it's given to them like that. Right. Especially if you're drunk. Yeah. Would you say one girl does not a fuck boy make? Ooh, that's kind of cool.

Because I was thinking of getting that. Yeah. I do say that and I did coin that. One girl does not a fuck boy make. I said it. I do. I said it first. Yeah.

But you said it because you were like would you say one girl does not a fuck boy make? And I would say that and I do say that. I have said that now and I coined it. What the fuck is happening to me? I'm getting scooped in t-shirts. I'm getting t-shirts newspaper posters. It's all fair game because it's all happening and I got the goddamn thing embroidered. I got it fucking embroidered on a fucking quilt and a coin.

I got it on a coin. I got it embossed on a fucking embroidered embossed engraved and Dost and in Dost. I'm using Microsoft Dost. Dost do we trust. C Dost. In Dost. In Dost me. In Dost me.

That's good. It's a German rage band loading up an old game on a PC that didn't have windows yet. So it's C. C Dost. C Dost run. Leisure suit Larry too. I think that it's I think that you can still move forward with this dude not worrying about the one night stand thing and like hope that he didn't that it doesn't really mean anything

but like you know I would I would I wouldn't write him off but I also wouldn't be like hey throw caution in the wind it's all gonna be fine I'm like be skeptical but proceed proceed with caution try lightly fucker yeah it's hard because you want to just have a serious conversation but that scares the person away it's like this weird catch 22 you fucking danced with this guy twice you don't you can't have a serious conversation and be like I really want this to be a series I don't just fuck people we're gonna be fucking married I swear we're at the very least like he's very well might just be like oh cool I'm I just wanted to dance so you just like Drake shit straight up to my Drake nice we're going

to Australia we never mentioned it in this episode but we are going to Australia I mentioned Australia generally in the beginning we're going to Melbourne we're going to Sydney we're gonna dance we're gonna be like this guy we're gonna be hanging out we're gonna be dancing we're gonna be like this guy but dancing with each other did you know I had Vegemite the other day and still holds up gotten to character I love it but if you don't live in Australia and you don't live in Melbourne and Sydney but you do live in Austin we're also doing a head gum comedy festival there damn an entire day of shows and it's not just us that's performing but perhaps some of your other favorite head gum podcast we're doing a show

with black man can't jump to innovation those boys will be there high and mighty gabris will be there those to innovation boys will be there if Jeff and Dave bought their plane tickets which they have not I'm sure they have not but I don't see a world we have promised them I don't see a world where they don't fly into Phoenix two days early and then take a bus yeah that's probably gonna happen who weekly one of our newest awesomest podcasts will be there live this is why your single be there live the complete guide to everything another new head gum show will be there live all these podcasters are gonna be there hanging out at the north door in Austin on Saturday March 11th tickets still available to that at if

I were you show dot com we're also going to Tempe and Denver Honolulu guys if you live in any of these cities and you want to hang out with us go to jacademy.com or if I were you show dot com and buy some tickets just please these are gonna be fun shows I don't mean I don't know we've had fun today I don't want to ruin it I don't want to ruin our fun let's just stand this little cocoon we built up here I'm scared I have to piss really bad so okay why don't why don't you go piss I wanted to tell everyone that after this episode ends we're gonna play a clip from a new headgum podcast I'm being okay okay I'm oh it hurts this is a new headgum podcast but they have nearly 300 episodes it's a pretty popular show and we're

happy to have we hate movies uh yeah dude that's awesome I love that show on the network uh for funny guys Andrew Steve and Eric and Chris uh for funny New York comedians talk about terrible movies if you're a cinephile or if you're the type of person that watches bad movies because you like them just as much as good movies can't recommend we hate movies enough we're gonna play a clip after the closing theme song to this episode just to wait your appetite so if you like what you hear you can go to headgum.com uh and find we hate movies or whm podcast.com and listen to more of that if you if you need some more podcast content in your life let's say you're still you're you still have some more dishes to watch or a commute to take that's correct

we highly recommend we hate movies now on the headgum network now we have somebody visiting the office I can hear them oh shoot all right why don't you guys say hi to them but we'll see that's the thing I have to pee so bad so like what's the plan here I have to I say hello how are you guys I'm sorry excuse me I have to pee yeah sorry I really have to pee haha and then they're gonna laugh yeah but then they're laughing at me so what if I do a little like hey how are you guys sorry one second I've got a urinate that's a little more serious it's a little more clinical or if you just start pissing yourself oh sorry I get excited when I meet awesome guests in our studio what if I go down and I'm like hey how's it going guys excuse me I have to I have to take

a call and then I go to the bathroom they don't know that that's not an office yet and then like can I go to the bathroom you're like yeah it's where Jake took that call earlier that's fine yeah and the call earlier that was just me pissing myself I'm gonna practice hey how are you guys excuse me your way you're taking so much time I've got to make a call opening theme song is just in quengalvis this closing one is written by Jack Casey who has a soundcloud page great incognito that's pretty fun uh so if you like this stuff good it's also sad because I have to limp down the stairs in front of these guests so do you want me to go down with you I want you to go down first and say I have run interference and I'm sorry but I have to pee pee

and Jake's gonna go first not that he does but it just there's a fucking phone booth in there and he has a call yeah I have to break his seal if that makes sense all right thanks to you guys for listening we threw a lot of shit at you this episode we appreciate you listening we'll be back next Monday torah bye this is a podcast called if I were you turn this shit off is what you should do if I were you show at gmail.com don't get your red by from your fucking mom I would blow a mirror and I would blow a chick I'm not kidding they're just really cool

this is if I were you basically like uh you know Spock is just like I don't understand why are we eating beans and like is this like I'm going to toast a marshmallow in a space pod it's like okay great help you know what I didn't get enough concessions at the concession stand clearly this is the time for me to go back for the fucking bone sure you know what call me when we get to outer space it's just like bones made like well what do you do after you roast the marshmallow and Spock's like I consume it this is some this is riveting stuff the marshmallow becomes a part of me yeah this lasts way too long and then we start it's like well we gotta sing old old old folksy camp

songs don't we Jim Jim boy or rat and shit I was like singing camp songs around a fire I haven't done that since I was a boy in Iowa rolling rolling rolling keep those doggies oh I thought you'd do a lip biscuit so did I like that's that would make sense they would do lip biscuit get it all for the nookies what the nookie the nookie the nookie come on Spock join in I might break your fucking face tonight give me something to break captain I'll end together now Spock we're on shore leave you can call me Jim Jim it's just one of those days when you don't want to wake up everybody sucks Jim it's an it's an earth song you green-blooded Vulcan you sing it

it's a little biscuit it's classic I'm feeling like a freak on a leash Jim that's corn oh here we are in Durst Park named after president Durst they we we named just 70 national park to Durst National Park after Senator Durst Senator that became president absolutely yeah resigned in a disgrace but by today's standards it's fine here we are sleeping alongside the banks of the chocolate starfish lake I'm about to pop a a cold can of hot dog flavored water alongside this campfire I really wish I knew more of limp biscuit songs new metal is illogical it sure is me boy so they start singing row row row your boat which is the only song they could afford I guess that's what I want 70 year old dudes to be singing in my movie because it costs

absolutely nothing but this is a fucking star trek movie man you can't find some some scratch for music licensing isn't all but isn't all aren't those songs all on the registry like the national registry I would think at this point oh of like songs that you just can do yeah I mean but even still license a song any song you know what though here here's another thing Chris here's a tip this movie takes place in the 24th century how about just making shit up that would also be nice