If I Were You - 258: Sex Farts

Episode Date: February 13, 2017

In this episode we discuss hot sauce, lasagna, and gas. The three major food groups.This episode brought to you by Dove Men+Care! Help us and our sponsors by taking this survey: http://wondery.com/survey/See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

If you've got a problem and you don't know what to do There's two Jewish guys who will hear your cries and tell you yo do you you never have to worry cuz they'll always lend an ear just send your questions to if I were you were taken to me that's that la la land shit that's that crooney shit that's that jazzy up to date up on your free lounge act shit would you believe that that was written and recorded by a boyfriend and girlfriend from the UK yes I would believe that well I was lying whoa it was recorded by a lizard husband and wife no it's true Ben and Hannah wrote a Frasier Esk diddy from Surrey UK please

let me know for which episode you use it I'm about 20 episodes behind at the present what the fuck is that delete the song what lead it from what the record there's no record the public record the public domain you're very confident for the record and that's a good name for a podcast oh for the record yeah and it's like just people making stances about albums yeah it's a good name for album label actually really yeah should we start a label or at the very least our calling head gum a label instead of that's good so we'll call it an indie label yeah so somebody at a bar would be like you needed a cute girl at a bar

and she's like well I won't start from the top like I don't want to get to like that because like if I meet a cute girl at the bar she's not gonna say like what are you doing yeah what do you do yeah I mean a cute girl at the bar and she's like what are you doing yeah like why are you here you know I have a straight restraining order against you and I'm like I oh I actually do comedy and then she says oh like stand up and I'd be like actually not like stand up you wench I have a label you've been maced many times over before you say I have a label but then when I say I have a label she thinks that record label right she

thinks like cool record label and then and then you're like she's like who did who have you signed and you're like Dave Rosenberg yeah and she's like I don't know that artist no she's but she nobody wants to be like I don't know that like well you could just say the name of the shows you know you say oh yeah we signed high and mighty and twin evasion yeah like oh that actually sounds pretty neat yeah you should listen to it they have this one 45 minute no you don't want to tip your track yes about iced coffee that's pretty yeah yeah okay but don't call it a 45 minute track well I would say it's called a track I would say

listen to episode 72 those episode what's it wow they'll know it's a podcast got it okay I think all right so I'll say I run a podcast network slash indie label indeed don't say how do I kiss them maced again hey this is a fire you're the only advice podcast on the internet that's completely global completely international you're listening to it live I'm Amir I'm Jake not necessarily listening to it live though yeah recording this a week before that's right now I guess nobody's listening to it quote unquote live except for me and you we're supposed to be answering questions people who will email us in

rough places in their lives and sticky situations there are needed for our guidance our advice this episode is no different let's do it did it did it did did it did it did it did it did it did it. Bing, Bong. Bing, Bong, Bong. Alright what? I don't know it's a theme song this question is called penis malfunction oh then it came to us from Robocop why is that because he is like has malfunctions oh like a robot wrote this yeah yeah or go a professor gadget gadget. Got it. Hello, you fuckers. My name is Robocop. I'm from Germany, 24 years old, and I'm experiencing a penis smell function. Like Amir, I make up the lack of, sorry, like

Amir, I make up the lack of good looks through jokes and find myself surprisingly successful he, but when it goes down dirty lane, the following happens. First, sex. I come super fast, bad. Second, sex. I don't come at all and my erection is weak, very bad. I don't trust pharmaceuticals and have tried all sorts of natural aphrodisiacs like applying a hot sauce. Same results. I am living a life of pain. Please help me. PS, I have a porn addiction, and I masturbate around thrice daily. Here, I also have to apply a lot of force to get to work. You know what I'm saying? Love the show. Day one listener, Robocop. Okay, all right, let's do it. I don't appreciate the insult. He's saying I'm ugly at the time. Get over it, dude. I mean,

yeah, I guess he finds me funny, which is nice, but lack of good looks through jokes. He didn't say that you were ugly. He just said you lacked good looks. I see. It's not attractive. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get that. I was afraid that he was insulting me. No, dude. He doesn't need to talk like a Trump tweet. Yeah, bad. Bad exclamation point. My erection is weak. Sad. I wonder if he's living a life of pain because he's jerking his dick raw and then pouring hot sauce on it. Yeah, I got hot sauce on my dick. My dick up. I hear I also have to apply a lot of force. Yeah, why is he masturbating thrice daily if he has to apply so much force? Yeah, it's hard to come when you're masturbating.

He doesn't trust pharmaceuticals, but he's tried natural aphrodisiacs like applying hot sauce. So he doesn't trust medicine pills. I'd really hate something prescribed by a doctor. I want to go to Whole Foods and fuck a sriracha bottle. That would be ideal. I just don't know what's in these pills, but I do know what's in a bottle of Tabasco sauce that I just empty on my dick like somebody who likes hot sauce on their wiener schnitzel. Same results he says. He's living a life of pain. Right, of course. Your dick is burning. That's painful. So as licensed physicians, we can give you the following, just general advice, masturbate less, smile more, smile more. Which means don't, what would hot sauce on your dick, how is that an aphrodisiac?

I've never heard of it before. I don't know. It's supposed to be like some kind of like numbing agent or something, but it doesn't seem like it numbs anything. Maybe it like rushes the blood to your dick because it's like there's an emergency afoot. Permiso to Google right quick? I've never known of any food to turn me on as much as pictures and videos of the opposite sex. So I'm not really sure what a natural aphrodisiac could be, whether it's applying hot sauce or not. People say seafood or oysters is an aphrodisiac, but I find those quite disgusting as well. It doesn't seem like he's in the need of an aphrodisiac. He's in the need of like get your dick hard remedy or something. Well isn't that what an aphrodisiac is? It gets your dick hard?

No, aphrodisiac is like when people want to have sex. I don't think it has to do with like, aphrodisiac's more the mood, not the physical hardness of your or wetness. Also, if anything, he does kind of need the opposite because he says he comes super fast and he masturbates too much. So you need to put something on your dick that makes you not turned on, which might actually be the hot sauce in retrospect. Is there anything on the internet about hot sauce in your dick? Just a pretty funny yahoo answer thread where the first question is got hot sauce on my penis and it really burns. What should I do? So basically I had Tabasco sauce with my dinner and some got on my hands. I washed them thinking I got it all off,

then I masturbated. Okay. And then the, that guy basically, that guy basically fucked a burrito. We can just go through the dog and pony show of other guys on my hands and I want, no he fucked a burrito. We know you fucked a burrito. At the very least a quesadilla. Somebody responded, just use lots of soap and water, clean it with the cold water, you will be okay. I did that before. Trust me. I was one to fuck not a burrito, but a taco and it didn't come out very well. Hard shell. Hashtag a hard shell. I don't know if this will help, but take a shower, then find some cream and put it on after taking a shower. It helped my boyfriend when I was going out with him because I did something I wish I did not, but good luck. Jesus. She must have

done the ghost pepper challenge and then blew them. Yeah. Yeah. The very least a burrito. She was a burrito. I think coming too fast is like, it's not great, but you can like over, like sex, as long as it's not something you're doing, like just once, like you can get, have sex once, come too fast and then like get ready to go again, you know? Right. But so you're saying you'd rather come too fast than not at all? Not at all. Um, no, I'd probably, because one is like cool, like sorry, babe. I couldn't get it up, but it's, it's a lot cooler than, oh, I came too fast. I would rather come too fast than not be able to get it up. Oh, oh, not, not, there's a difference between not being able to get off and not being

able to get it up. So you'd rather, so in order, the worst thing is I can't even get it up. Yeah. Like I cannot even get an erection. No, like you were just like playing with my flaccid dick and we're, we both feel like failures. Okay. Second, one, one shame step below that. I came too fast. No, I think one shame step below that is, I didn't come. I would, I guess, I don't, we're talking about the worst. Oh yeah, worse. Oh yeah, worse. So one shame step above. A one, yeah, one shame step above that. Because you, or no, I guess below because you feel less, no, let's just stick with going up. Okay. Is coming too early because then it, like you feel like a loser, but somebody else can feel like a sense of an accomplishment.

Because they got you off super quick. I'm sexy. Yeah. And then, then not being able to come because at least everybody gets to have sex and you don't necessarily get your release, but at least it helps you get their release. Or she got off. Yeah. Right. Ideally. Yes. You never hear about females that come too fast. Premature female ejaculation. Right. It's just, that's just like great. Well, I think it's, because that's not an issue. We'll make a guess on the show to talk about it, but I think the girls can have multiple orgasms during this. So it's no big deal. Whether it's like you can have one and then keep on going. Guys, you sort of have one and then it's a, you've deflated that little balloon there. This is funny. An article from 2011. Premature orgasm affects woman

to study suggest. And the picture is this stock photo of a guy apologizing to a woman at the end of the bed. Like she cooked him dinner and he'd forgotten. Men aren't the only ones who might find themselves peaking too early in the sack. According to a new study, a small percentage of women also experience premature orgasm. Almost. And if you're out there and you do do that, please let us know. We'd love to hear from you too. Tweet at Amir. DM me specifically. All right. Have we helped this guy out? Not really, but just masturbate less and don't worry so much if you come too early. Just like say, sorry, I got so turned on, turned into a positive. And then you can like go down on them or something until you get your dick hard again and

then have sex. I think that usually works. Maybe wait longer between first and second, because he says, I don't come at all and my erection is weak. It seems like just a matter of time. At a certain point, the second sex become first sex again. And you want to find the right middle ground. Right. Where it still feels like second sex rather than the first sex of a different session. You're talking circles around me. I have no idea what that meant. But yeah, I like let's say you have sex. That's the first sex. Then you wait six hours and you have sex again. Is that the first sex again? Or is it second sex? I guess that's first sex again. Right. Four hours, suddenly you're in the gray area. And that's where you want.

Absolutely move on. All right. This one is called Polly Amorous Puzzler. Oh, let's call her Polly Pocket because that's actually her real name. Really? Yeah, she's her last name is fucking Pocket. Yeah. That's insane. That's a cute last name for somebody. Hi, I'm James Pocket. James Pocket. James Pocket, if you don't pay attention in class, I'll start to hit you with a ruler, Miss Pocket. That's illegal. Is it now? That's absolutely illegal, teacher. Especially because you're a 34-year-old Jew speaking like Mrs. Doubtfire for some reason. All right. Or across dresser middle school teachers. Oh, no. Polly Pocket writes, first of all, love your show,

been listening for years, first time writing in. I'm in a happily Polly Amorous relationship. And a few weeks ago, I met my boyfriend's other partner and we really hit it off. It was like our boyfriend wasn't even there as we swapped stories and laughed. And she even opened up to me about her past. I was super into her and she seemed super into me. After meeting her, I brought up hooking up with her to my boyfriend and he was down. Yeah. Things were looking great. But about a week later, I ended up dumping my boyfriend for completely unrelated reasons. It ended amicably, but he was pretty crushed. So here's my question. Can I still seize the cheese with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend if she's down? Or would that put too much salt on the wound and

be too cruel? Feel free to mock me mercilessly for my escher-level puzzle of a life, love life, but I'd really like to know what you think. If it helps, I'm a 24-year-old woman. Great. It does help me picture you as the hottest girl ever. She's so hot. Anybody in a polyamorous relationship must be hot. Yep. So girl is in a polyamorous relationship, wants to fuck the guy's girl, other girl. Yeah. I definitely understand why this guy is super upset that he got dumped because he was like having threesomes with two hot girls. Or at the very least, hot in your mind. Which is good enough for you. In my brain, if they're as hot as they are in my brain, oh my

god. Oh yeah, Yorka. Oh, Tabasco sauce. Yeah. Holy shit. It is a natural. Actually, Cholula. What's the one with the lady on the label? I believe that's the Cholula. Very good. It's not Tapatio. That's a man in a sombrero, I believe. There's only three things that can be it. So woman doing some sort of chore, a man in a sombrero, or a chili pepper. Yeah, Sriracha, isn't it a chicken? Oh yeah, why is that? I don't know. Because it tastes great on chicken. So is it mean? Is it mean to hook up with your ex-boyfriend's current girlfriend? That's what the dude signed up for with the polyamory thing.

Yeah, I feel like once polyamory is involved, all bets are off. Anybody can do whatever. Yeah, you are not allowed to be like into polyamory, but be like, and then also be possessive of anything. That's the whole fucking point. And you got to have a threesome by having this free wheel and free love lifestyle. I don't know if he did get to have it because she broke up with him before that situation. They didn't have it? No, I really don't blame him for being fucking devastated. Because it's like, oh yeah, I'm down to have a threesome and then she breaks up with you and then she's like, actually, I'm just going to fuck her without you. Yeah, that's too bad. But sometimes you fly too close to the sun. I don't think that I think you might be mad at you.

Do I think he can be mad at you or should be mad at you? It's hard to be polyamorous and also mad because it seems like you're just a carefree kind of dude. Yeah. It's like, how could you do this to me? I was fucking everybody and anything in my group and you ruined that by doing that too. To me. I guess you can be like, you're not part of the group, so you don't get to do that. Yeah, the thing I still don't understand about polyamory is like, why would you complicate it and have three girlfriends that you're not allowed to fuck outside? It should be about just everyone can love everybody. Right, polyamory for the world, not for this closed unit of six people. Yeah, that's even worse than just having

a boyfriend or a girlfriend. Then you have to have several girlfriends you have to worry about. Yeah. And then do you have to divide up the amount of worry that you have? Do you go on dates with three at the same time or do you have to schedule them out over the course of a week? We should really have somebody that's in a polyamorous situation on the show because I've got concerns. Yeah. I guess my biggest question is, much like veganism, can it last forever? Like, can you be polyamorous in this group for always? Or is it just like you go through years of doing it and then you have to settle down and start eating eggs again? Yeah, it seems, I bet it's pretty rare. It seems pretty rare that it's like a true success through and through.

Right. Like, you never hear like, oh, my parents or my grandparents are in a polyamorous way. Yeah. Well, I have six grandparents. Yeah, they all live together. They're all sucking and fucking back there. It's so hot. Grandma, stop turning me on. Cry. Oh, my God, you're all fucking doing each other. I can't eat my fucking cereal without getting hard, dad. That was grandma before. My dad and my grandparents are all just blowing each other and I can't help but be fucking hot. Well, that's not polyamory. That's incest. What kind of cereal are you eating? I'm having a cornflake. It's the size of a fucking baseball mitt. What the fuck is this? I'm coming and eating a sheet of fucking corn.

And it's all my great aunt's fault. Because she's blowing my cousin. I don't know what to do or think about it. Christ, Ethel. They're not even milk in this bowl. It's just literally a deep fried sheet of notebook paper. And then it's not cereal. What? It's not cereal and your parents molest you. Oh, I'm laughing because it hurts. There's some sort of gas leak in here. I mean, Christ. Go for it. Go for it. Whatever it is, whatever your situation, go for it. How do you start a polyamory? Does it take three or can I be like find a girl who's down to add more? Have we talked about this on the show? How I was in a polyamorous relationship. But you were recruited late in the game. I don't know how it started.

I think it starts with two people who are down to be open, who want to have threesomes, who want to have sort of an open relationship. And then those two people get a crush on somebody. We should all be together. Your threesome turns into brunch the next day and an afternoon romp. And then you're like, oh, well, why don't you stay over and watch a movie? And like, hey, maybe we're just like a fucking trio here. And then like that trio, she's got a crush on somebody else. And then she's like, oh, can I tell my friend that like we should all, you know, just like expands. I think that's the way it works. And then there's also like, aren't there like polyamorous mixers and stuff like where people who believe in that

kind of thing, like they, they go to the same parties, they hang out with the same people. Yeah. Oh, this person's in an open relationship. I know this person's in a polyamorous relationship. We're all fucking. Isn't it funny to imagine like, you think there could be a polyamorous relationship where everyone's just like, instead of free spirited, they're all just like very logical and practical like me. So like, or would it just have to be me not fitting well into a very spiritual polyamorous quartet? Yeah, I don't know if there's a lot of logical polyamorous people or like, yeah, it's people that like don't really, yeah, they don't really think about consequences. It seems like there's not a lot of neurotic. I could see you like being into it because it's

like low commitment, low stress. Well, I guess I, my personal belief is that it's not really low commitment. It's like high commitment to several people instead of one. So that's why it's a little, it's not good. It's just hard to be in a neurotic polyamorous relationship. I think so many relationships do, like the thing that undoes so many polyamorous relationships is when people like catch real feelings for people and everybody's a little bit possessive. But don't you think they would consider themselves as having real feelings or this is more of a non real feel? Like, can you see like, I love you. I love you. Like, isn't that part of the polyamorous relationship? I guess this is probably the thing that a lot of people deal with is like, sometimes you're, you're like,

oh, I care about this person, but it's like, I like my freedom and I like being able to hook up with other people. And then, and like, but I bet there's also some people who believe so much in the philosophy that they're like, the best thing I can do, like I love this person so much and I want them to have orgasms for many people. That's what I believe. Yeah. But I feel like those people are few and far between. It's hard to find. Yeah. It's hard to find those people, especially if, like, if it's one out of a thousand and five of them are already in a relationship. Yep, that's true. They're all like clumped together in these polyamorous circles. Yeah, it just generally, to me, feels like a little opportunistic, because it's like, oh, I can have threesomes and fuck

other people. That's perfect. I wonder if there's a hierarchy within, like, there's one guy that's fucking everybody. And then, like, there's somebody at the bottom of the totem pole that's not really getting that same situation. Like, it's not communism. There was, there was some, like, radio show that I heard about the Oneida commune in upstate New York that like, sort of dealt with. There was, like, free-loving and everybody could fuck everybody, but there was, like, kind of... A couple of uggos on the fridge. Yeah, there was somebody that didn't get to fuck everybody. And it was just, like, their wives that they brought to the commune getting fucked. Right, because it's like, does everybody have to be the same level of hotness? Like,

can it be a polyamorous circle with one hot guy and four uglies? I mean, I... Or what if four hotties and a single ugly? Are they still fucking each other as much as possible? This is really something that we should explore, actually. Yeah. We should film a documentary on us going to Burning Man. Just talking to people. How does it work? We're getting fucked. Uh, all right, let's take a break. Let's thank some peeps. We'll come back. We'll answer some more cues. Todah, right after yous. Good night. Good fight. Yll. Yll. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation, talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that

difficult place. And it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist, especially one in your area. But BetterHelp makes that all easy because it's online therapy designed to be convenient, flexible, and suitable to your schedule. You just fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist. And you can switch therapists at any time for no additional charge. It's incredibly helpful. Therapy has helped millions of people over thousands of years. So give therapy a try. It can give you the tools to find a more balanced life. I've tried therapy. It's been very helpful. So you can find that balance better with BetterHelp. All you got to do is go to betterhelp.com. If I were you, you do that today. You can get 10% off your first month.

So the prices are already affordable because you're not paying rent for a building somewhere that you have to drive to and wait in a waiting room. This is done entirely online, but you're still getting professional licensed help. And it's extra affordable. That's betterhelp.com. If I were you, check them out. Thanks, BetterHelp. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Wow. For years and years and years, we've been ranting and raving about Squarespace because it's the best way for dummies like me and potentially you that don't necessarily know how to code or design to create a professional looking website. So if you're building an online portfolio for yourself or a loved one, or you want to sell stuff online, you can do an online store.

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Squarespace.com slash if I were you free trial, everything looks good. Let's launch it. Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you Squarespace. We have returned. What's up? Whether you like it or not, we are back and we are better than ever. Speaking of back, your back is back. My back is back. My back was hurt. Now I'm feeling good. Since recording the last episode, I got stitches from a gym accident. We're dying. Every episode was a new injury to complain about. I dropped a weight and then my pinky kind of exploded open. Yeah, like you were popping your pinky like a zit. And I had to go to the hospital and somebody stitched me up. How many stitches did you get? Four stitches. Four stitches. Four stitches that

sort of sort of zip my skin together like a jacket. And you get them off on Friday? Yeah, my father can take them off. He's a gynecologist, so he deals with stitches occasionally. And he has a kit that will allow him to sort of take the stitches out of my pinky. A kit that he usually uses to take the stitches out of vaginas. Yeah, if necessary, he can clean those tools or just throw them away when he's done. I believe it's a one and done type kit, but if it's at home, maybe that's just wash them up, throw away, put them up. Put the vagina tools in the dishwasher. Yeah, just let a deep soak in a hot tub, take them out, wash them up, throw it down, stink it up, and it's good to go. And your pinky is amputated? It is golf, yes. It was dangling off when I got

there and they said if I act quickly, they could probably save it and I ended up having to take a pretty long shit by the time I got out. I was refreshing Instagram for a bit. I wanted to see if anyone had viewed my story. Turns out they hadn't. Let us slap in the fucking face. Fair. We're coming to Austin as part of the Head Gum Live podcast festival. That's what's up. That's what's up. It's not just us. We're performing with Blackman, Can't Jump, Twinnovation. High and mighty. High and mighty. This is why you're single. That's right. Complete guide to everything who weekly. And we're a bunch of other people and friends are going to be there Saturday, March 11th in Austin. I think it's worth driving to

from Houston. Yeah. And Dallas. And Dallas. So if you're in the Dallas, Houston, Austin, really, good night, Texas. There's a triangle there in Texas that if you live within, it's going to be a very, very fun way to spend a Saturday because it's also part of the festival. So you're going to have a lot of great things to see and funny shows to watch. And we're going to be there just eating, drinking, joking, laughing. I'll be chilling throughout every show, actually. Taking pics with anybody that wants to take a pic. Pills, you know what I'm saying? What? Oh, Advil? Yeah. I don't think so. Vitamin D. Aleve. What's that? Aleve. That's really nice. Aleve. That's what I'm saying. And to go get Damali.

I hate that. Me too. We're also coming back to Australia. It's funny. We're going to be in Austin on Saturday and we have a show in Australia five days after that. That's fucking tight. Our show in Melbourne is on March 16th. Our show in Sydney is on March 18th. We're doing just two shows in Australia. Last time we did five. Last time we did five, we sold out Melbourne and Sydney. This time we're only doing two. So we're getting some people traveling in. Tickets will be sold out. Shows are moving quickly. So buy the tickets as soon as possible. Please, please, please. I don't know if it's first come first serve or you can actually buy better tickets now. I don't know either. I think they do sound kind of like VIP tickets too.

Yeah. There's some incentive to snatching them fast. So don't delay. Buy today. And then we're also going to Denver and Tempe. We're going to have an East Coast run in May. We have a busy couple months. For all of our dates, check out jaconamere.com. Or if I were you, show.com. What else about us that I haven't even mentioned yet? You're working out. You're in your second month. Of course. That's good. I'm growing a beard. I have a longer beard than usual. At my behest. Yeah. You're sort of forcing me to grow a beard. You know what I'm getting now? It's like

when I play with it, I'm getting like beard dandruff. Oh yeah. That'll happen. Is that from the hair? Is that from the skin underneath the hair? That's the skin underneath the hair. Do you think that's fair to me to have that? Well, I think what you need to do is get some beard oil. See, this is what I didn't want to get into. Now I'm like part of this whole beard culture world. I don't need the oils. I don't want the moisturizers specific.

And you already use my beard comb. That's what I'm worried about. It's a slippery slope and pretty soon on. You need the oils. I really think at the very least you need the oils. It's going to make your beard nice and healthy. But isn't, is the oils for my face or for the hair? A little bit of both, buddy. I don't want to put oil in my, in my skin.

Well, I mean, you can't see the, the beard dandruff anyway. Well, sometimes if I wear a dark shirt and I play with my hair, that you can see it on my shirt. Oh, well, then you really need the oils. And then the oils do what? What do the fucking oils do that I have to get the fucking oil? Oh, that actually makes sense, actually. Jesus, I don't know why it snapped.

I'm so pissed. I think it was a beard thing. Yeah. And I don't know why it caused that. Yeah, no, that wasn't fine. That was not cool. That wasn't good to have it. Uh, yeah.

Any other things we can do before we get back to the questions? Uh, you can give a shout out to anyone, actually. Really? Yeah, I think we should institute a new segment. All right, give a shout out. Yeah, or like shout someone out. All right, shout out to my sister, uh, Rachel. That's it.

Yeah, shout out. Just like a little personal shout out. Like what's up? You said I could do that. You're making me feel weird about it now. I was hoping what it would be doesn't matter. Who did you want me to shout out? You?

Are you serious? Who else? Your fucking sister. You're, we've been co-hosting the fucking show. I know. All this, for hundreds of episodes, you've been, we've been talking to each other for an hour. I know, but never.

And then you want me with my shout out to shout out you. Nobody shouts me out. Why would they shout me out? Because you're the host of the show. They don't have to shout you out. Not on this show, but like in general, nobody's ever shouted me out. So I was giving it out to you.

People shout you out all the time. They do, they do say nice things about me, but they never say shout out too. Do you, if you want, I'll give you a second shout out. You could be to anybody. Who do you want to give a second shout out to? Shout out to fucking Whitney. What are you saying?

Our employee, Whitney. Okay, three shout outs. Marty. What the fuck is happening? How many shout outs do you have to have before you start shouting me out? Mike Carnell, Nick Rad, Jeffy and Davey. Sure.

Laura Lane, Angela Spira. And Amir Blumenfeld. Oh my God. Me of all people. A shout out. Yeah, you, Amir. My coolest dude. I don't sound like that.

Thank you for the shout. I do appreciate it. Shout out, man. Thanks. Here's a question. Subject line, mid-coitus fart. I have been there. I've been there.

Is the guy's name? Jake. Let's cut to the chase. I fart a lot. My farts are like wild beasts and are best left to roam free across the plains. But when treating girls daily, nightly, and ever so rightly, I have to cage the beast.

And it grows angry. Holding one fart is okay. Another. And there is noticeable tightness around the midriff. But after holding three farts, the pain begins. It fucking hurts. It's okay to go to the toilet once. They don't usually care.

But soon after, the excuses become thinner and thinner, and I'm struggling to make up realistic reasons in the moment. I'll sometimes go to the bathroom and just fart continuously for seven or eight seconds. We're not talking about loud, rasping, shouters, but full floodgate open, maximum diameter, gushes of gas. Jesus.

She falls asleep. When she falls asleep, sometimes I try to side duvet waft. But I'm conscious. That's the more that the more I do this, the more I risk terraforming the room. I'm actually proud of my farts. But wish there was a valve to turn it off during sex. So I don't have to trip to the bathroom every time

a fart beast tries to rip itself out of my English anus. Have you guys ever experienced this? What are solutions? What are the solutions I so desperately need? Thanks, boys. Love, Jake. Gee whiz, man. I didn't realize it was that.

Serious. Yeah. It was like a fucking gas leak. It's funny. I have held farts in before, but I've never like separated it as like, all right, I've held one and fart, and now it's waiting at the door.

Oh, I just held in another fart, and that one's waiting. Oh, now they're all pushing. Yeah, it's like a fucking. Three farts. Three Stooges trying to wedge through one door and they can't make it out. I just think of it as like a gas buildup. Yeah, that's, you could just, yeah,

maybe you need to frame it a little easier on yourself. It's just a tiny little gas buildup, not like three people banging at a door. Yeah, I wonder if when you don't, when you hold in a fart, have you had to hold in a fart recently? Yeah, yeah, sure. I wonder where that gas goes,

because when you fart, there's a nice release. And if you just squeeze, do you get the little bubbling in your stomach? Do you like to get that maroon, and then it just sort of dissipates? I can't really, no, I don't think so. You just sort of, but it does feel like a stress, like there's oxygen in you.

Yeah, yeah, you can feel that, I guess, but I don't ever feel it go, go and bubble up and go a different direction. But it eventually has to go away. Like you can't just balloon and balloon to the point where you're, I don't know, like a oompa-loompa getting pushed away, or like the blueberry,

what's it called, the guy that ate the blueberry? Oh, well, isn't it Veruca salt that she turns into? She turns into Violet. And then Violet turns into the blueberry that the oompa-loompas roll away. Right, right. It wouldn't happen like that if you just didn't fart for a year.

Well, I mean, I don't know how much gas is in a fart, is it really like a large, if you farted into a bag, and it was solid, how much space does it occupy? I would think the way to figure that out is to- Fart into a bag? No, a balloon. Right, well, you'd have to tie your balloon knot to the balloon knot. Yeah, how would you get your balloon knot so closely?

A tight seal, so I thought of that too. Really? Yeah. How? What you would do is you would have to flour your anus. Squeeze me. You'd have to flour it. I heard you.

I don't understand what you were talking about. Like, do you know the shape of a flower? How it sort of- There's so many different flowers. Starts taut at the stem and blooms up towards the sun. Wait. You'd sort of shape your little brown eye to be that of a tulip or a rose.

You need your butt to be- That's correct. You'd need- Inside out? You need it, K-N-E-A-D. You'd need your butt hole until it's shaped a lot like a glass or a ceramic- Vase? A vase of sorts, yes.

And this isn't a type of thing where it's a quick fix. It's more of an erosion that shapes over time. It's something you're asking people to physically deform themselves. Like they're turning their anus into a hose. What I'm asking is for people to physically reform themselves. It seems like it would be just as effective to put the tie of the balloon around the funnel and put the funnel into your ass. Of course.

It's like a small plastic mouthpiece or something. I mean, how dare you? I was just suggesting it for this guy to count the gas that he's farting. To turn his ass into a pink sock. You think scientists could count the size of farts if necessary? Obviously, I wouldn't want to take them away from cancer research, but the smartest people on earth- You'd be a real shame if you took them away from trying to cure real shit.

Just because you're curious. Well, when we're done with all that shit, I bet somebody's done it. Yeah, when we're done with all that shit, I want to know if you can measure the size of farts. Yeah. At the very least- You extended the life expectancy to a couple hundred years. Let's say 120.

Yeah. Well, we'll take a 10-minute little break. Like at Google, how you're supposed to work four days and then spend one day on your own shit. Right. So this is like spend four days curing diseases, then one day measuring farts. My shit.

Yeah, my farts. So how do you fart without noticing? Well, the problem with farts is that even if you do an S, a silent guy, a silent but violenter, they can still sometimes smell. You do silent but violent? I do silent but deadly. Yeah, I do both. SBD.

So even if you get away with it in the moment, there's a chance, and you know what your farts smell like. There's sometimes there's a stinky fart and sometimes it's not so much, but there's a chance that they'll smell it. I mean, is he talking about, he said post-coitus or mid-coitus? He's talking about when she falls asleep, they're in bed together, and he feels like farting. The subject was mid.

The subject was mid. That's correct. Well, farting while you're having sex, I think you can hold that in. It's not like it's super painful to hold a fart in for like this. His gas isn't, oh shit, wasn't any of that? The gas leak up in Northern California? Oh, the BP oil spill? No, no, that was the oil spill.

Oh, of course. You're talking about a different, the Exxon Valdez oil spill? They're, this is so not worth my time to look up. But? There was a methane gas leak. Oh yeah, where was that? Oh, I thought that was in C Valley. I thought that was in C Valley.

Port of something. Portola, Porto Ranch? Porto Ranch, that's exactly what it is. Yeah, that was in the Valley. Anyway, yeah. So to make my joke awesome, his asshole isn't the Porto Ranch gas leak. Or the BP oil leak, the BP oil spill with fucking diarrhea on a fucking seagull. Nothing's a funnier visual than having diarrhea on a seagull.

Oh no. Hey, what'd you do this weekend, Charlie? I shit on a seagull. Wet style. I got the fucking runs and I shit it on a seagull, yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah, no. No, I died right on a seagull.

Yeah, oh yeah, I got a fucking, yeah. I got a real case of the Rias, dude, and I fucking, yeah, I shattered on a bird, dude. It looked like the God damn Porto Ranch gas leak. No, that was a gas leak. It looked like an oil spill, man. What? So I think it's more, here's my thing. I think it's more forgivable and easily excusable and betterly timeable to do it during sex.

Because during sex, there's already noises. There's stuff that's going on beyond your control. You don't want to ruin the mood. It's not ruining the mood. Yes, it is. No, it's not. Have you ever pressed your body together with someone and made a fart noise and it's a fun little moment? Yeah, but I mean, people can, you can tell the difference between like,

we made that noise or you just farted. I think it's better to fart during sex than during the cuddling after sex. And I think if you're having a one night stand, just don't do either. Unless it hurts so much and you have to choose, what would you choose? After, for sure. One when she's asleep. A quick little spoon toot. Spoon toot, riot.

Throw back a bottle of farts. Spoon toot, riot, riot. I'm going fart to your fart, fart, fart. So you're saying you're the big spoon, your anus is facing away from the lady. You wait until you hear a semblance of snoring. It can be a precious little almost silent snore. And then you let out, I would, I would squeeze one of my cheeks out wide so that you can hopefully let out like a more of a high-pitched dog whistle fart

than one of those like thick, loud motor boaters. I guess I would probably stay up, stay awake accumulating as much like of the gases again, and then go to the bathroom. What he was talking about, rip ass. Oh, the rip ass. Yeah, and then go right back to bed and try to fall asleep as quickly as possible. I once read a, I think it was some sort of advice. Maybe it was a humorous advice, but I can't remember now if it was humorous advice

or real advice that we were just cracking up at. It was like, what to do when you have to fart on a date? And it's set to go to the bathroom and get on your hands and knees because if you need to fart, the best thing to do, the gas will rise. The best thing to do is to make your asshole the tallest part of your body. I've done that before. On a date or just in general? No, not on a date.

Just generally. Like if you have gas, you'll get on your knees and then just keep your ass as high as possible. And then just let it all rise out of you like a volcano. It's true. It's come. What? It's, it's a. It works.

Yeah, it works. There is nothing better than having to fart and then just being able to. Like if you've been holding it in and then someone leaves and then just like, you know, cart, fart blanch. Oh yeah, yeah. Fart blanch. Yeah, you have fart blanch access here. Your asshole.

When you, yeah, when like, I completely agree. Yeah. When I stand or something leaves your apartment and you just get to fart for the first time. Yeah. That is just as good as coming. Fart for the very first time. We should do some sort of song together. Ideally with Madonna, but not necessarily so.

Yeah. It's about how you get to fart for the very first time when somebody leaves your apartment. Like when your fart beats. Yeah. Next to mine. Uh, last question for you. Do you think women fart less than men? Ooh, I think they do.

But why? But how? I don't know. I don't get it. And then you hear about some people. I don't want to stereotype, but it is women who are like, yeah, I just, I don't know. I don't fart. I fart when I go to the bathroom.

Yeah. Like that's like, if I had to go to the bathroom in a far, I'd be there all day. I'm why I'd have to live in the bathroom. I'd have to sleep on the toilet. You wouldn't want, you wouldn't want me to eat your famous turkey lasagna mama on the toilet. You know how gassy it makes me and how farts see I become mama. Oh mama, mama, I must eat the lasagna on the toilet mama. You know how I must have it.

I'm ticklish when it comes to lasagna as well mama. Oh, it makes me giggle mama. Don't make me go to the bathroom to eat your lasagna and tickle myself and fart and laugh mama. Interesting fact here. Interesting. I can't hear it. The average person produces about half a liter of farts every single day. And even though many women won't admit it, women do fart just as often as men.

In fact, a study has proven that when men and women eat the exact same food, women tend to have even more concentrated gas than men. Why is that? Now, why is that? Well, that is interesting to say that we only produce about half a liter of gas every day. Yeah. So that's about that's a pretty under deflated balloon. That's a...

And this is facts that we can learn without having to turn your asshole inside out as a mere suggestion. Well, I'm just saying, just press around the rosebud. You know, ring around the rosy? You know that old childhood song? Oh yeah, so I'm looking at this article about farts and it's so interesting. What else does it say? It said, fragrance-free farts come from swallowed air. Oh, rather than food.

Interesting. Swallowed air. Healthy foods that are high in sulfate like broccoli, cauliflower, almonds, and Brussels sprouts lead to fowler farts. Oh, interesting. That sounds... Actually, those are the four ingredients of a really good salad. Yeah, it makes a lot of sense.

A lot of healthy people have very, very smelly farts. The average person farts more than 10 times a day. More than. Over 24 hours, the average person can release up to two liters of gas. I wonder if you fart in your sleep or you have to be awake for it. Like, will your body fart it out for you? Yeah. Yeah?

Yeah, totally. Will it? Yes. You promise? Have you never heard people fart in their sleep? I assume they're like, you know, trying to fall asleep or they're maybe waking up. Just for a second, just to rip ass. Yeah, I guess I've never heard someone in the dead of sleep fart.

I've had some, but I've woken myself up with a loud fart before. But does that mean like you're farting in a dream and then you force it up? I don't know. I mean, you can come when you're dead of sleep, so I think you can fart. Don't get me started on that, man. You know my ideas. All right. If you have your own questions or your own theme songs,

send them all to fartsatfart.fart. No, if I were your show at gmail.fart. No, sorry. If I were your fart. Oh my God. If I were your show. At gfart.mail. I think I said that correctly.

Yeah. The opening theme song was written by Hannah and Ben. Remember that classic jazz standard? I loved it. And this closing one is written by Joshua. No, Joshua. Remember that guy? I remember that guy.

He's back. He wrote a couple of covers, but this one's in a ridge. I like that shit. Again, we're going on the road. So if you want to hang out with us, we're going to be in Austin, Australia, Tempe, Denver, soon to be our first show in Atlanta coming up. Hasn't even been announced yet. So we shouldn't even say anything.

Don't say anything. Someone's farting. Sorry for this stinky episode. Things got pretty, pretty stinky. They really did. A lot of fart talk, but that's a... Now fart noises. Who's mature now, baby?

You actually did shit a little bit. I saw that. Jake's anus is the highest point of his body, so I don't blame him. We'll be back next week with some more Qs and As. Thanks so much for listening. Toda, good night, good week, good morrow, good afternoon, good evening, and good fart. And she thinks I'm fucking crazy because I spend all day watching YouTube. And if you want me, I'm pretty sure you'd like it too.

Because I spend all my days watching these two Jews. Oh, baby, you should try it out. I mean, they have a podcast too. It's called if I were you. I cannot stop. I think I have a problem. I think I have a problem. I'm watching too much of you two guys.

So I think I have a problem. And I think I'm gonna be single again. Baby, come back. It's just a show. It's just a show. Baby, I love you.