If I Were You - 26: Tarot

Episode Date: April 29, 2024

In this episode Jake discusses his favorite show, then looks into Amir's future.Advertise on Segments via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Jake and Amir are two Jews that you can't forget In 2010 they were big on the internet And all things considered, their success is more than fair Now here's one more effort for only positive motivations, they swear! Second. Another podcast. Second. Each app different from the last. Second. It's the Swiss Army Knife of Shoes. Now let's. Meet your two emphatic hosts.

Second. Yeah! The song amps me up, man. I was implicated and involved in a daily fantasy controversy. Scandal? Scandal, a scandal of sorts. I was paying off a player to exit games early and he was telling me which games he would leave. You were Shohei Otani's interpreter, right? Yeah, okay.

I remember that. So I was his translator from English to Japanese to Hebrew and he never used me. He never used me. Yeah, but you did. You wired yourself large sums of cash. Four and a half million dollars. To the tune of 4.5.

To the bookie. Yeah. In his name. To the bookie in his name. To the bookie off the books, actually, I should say. Off the books, in the bookie, over the table, under the law, and then we are sort of funneling, not unlike beer chugging. Funneled to ass. I was butt chugging. So it went me to bookie to sho-hey.

Yeah. And yeah. Tash out the ass. But for now, I'm assuming my alter ego. As the host of segments, a classic podcast, it's me and Jake, and every single episode is a little bit different. I just wanted to reiterate to people

because we haven't really gone over the premise in a while. Right, it is just new show every 10 to 15 minutes to 20. But yeah, we gear shift, we change it up. Yes, exactly, exactly right. Do you know how to drive stick? I think, yeah, in a do or die situation, I could make the car go. I learned in Iceland, whenever it was that we went to Iceland

was it 2012 or something like that? Something like that. That was the last, it was basically the first and last. I've done it twice. When we almost did the Ford Fiesta road trip, do you remember we picked up the car and it was a stick shift? And I couldn't believe it.

Yeah, it was branded content. They wanted us to drive from city to city doing meet slash tweet ups. This was sort of early days of Twitter. So we didn't really know how many people followed us and if they would show up. But the most important part was that we shoot videos driving from city to city in the world's smallest car.

It's not the world's smallest car. That wasn't its claim to fame, right? It was just a- No, that's just what it felt like when I was in there with four people. Yeah. Yeah. It wasn't, we also did a SponCon for Fiat,

which actually is a really small car. Oh, this is different. Cause I remember Dave having to drive the Fiat, which was a really small car. Oh, this is different. Cause I remember Dave having to drive the Fiat, which was a really small car. Yeah, that was different. But Dave, yeah, Dave just drove the Fiat to Boston. We were, I don't think we were in charge of driving it. We were like giving it away to somebody.

I see. And we took the train and he drove the Fiat up because it was supposed to be at the show. But we like showed up and they're like, it's a stick shift. So I hope you guys can do that. And we're like, we can't do that. We don't know how to do that. I think there was another influencer,

the car was like passing hands. And it was in a parking lot in Long Island. We got on the train, we went all the way out there to pick it up. We got there and it was a stick shift. Like, I can't drive this. They never fucking told us. The most important thing.

Yeah. I hope you have the secret skill set it takes to drive this car as you pick it up today. And Jeff Rosenberg knew how. So he drove out there or he took the train out there. We drove it back home to Connecticut where I spent the weekend trying to learn to drive stick shift.

And I kind of did, but I was like, I don't have enough. We drove to North Carolina. So I was like, I don't have it to drive to North Carolina. I have it to drive around the neighborhood. I could maybe go to Vons. Yeah, and then we'd rented a stick shift in Iceland because it was a lot cheaper and Jeff knew how to drive it. And I just drove it every once in a while,

but I got good by the end. So I used sort of that. I was confident then. I was confident then. And I was driving in a downtown Reykjavik. I knew how, but now I haven't done it since. So I'm sure I'm not good. Between that and knowing how to change a tire,

I feel like there's a few car things I just don't know how to do. Yeah, tire, that one's hard. I definitely don't know how. I came from a triple A family. It's a don't try it yourself. Let an expert do it for you. Yeah, it's hard to imagine me being in a situation

where I need to change a tire, but I don't just call someone. I'd have to be out there really, really far. I definitely have seen somebody change a tire. Have you been in a car that needed a tire change and you watched someone do it? Yeah, and it looks pretty simple when someone else who knows what they're doing is doing.

Yeah, I would love to learn, I guess. But it's one of those things that I'd like to learn just in case, but I still can't imagine a time, even if I knew that I'd be like, I'll change this myself. Because someone else could always do it faster and better. And there's always the carjacking part, which seems like the really dangerous part, which is lifting a car with a crank.

Right, and you're like, okay, I'm pretty sure it's up there, but one false move and I'm crushed to death. So it's not really worth me figuring it out. And I'm already paying for the AAA roadside assistance anyway, be ashamed. Honestly, it's really good to never know how to change a tire. Yeah, cause then you'll-

It's a waste of time to change a tire or to even learn how to. To even learn how to do it is a waste. Look, if you don't have a driver, what are you doing? Okay. I don't know how to do it is a waste. Look, if you don't have a driver, what are you doing? Okay. I don't know how to talk. I have an interpreter.

Yeah. And he tells everything for me. Exactly. Okay, first segment idea I had was something I feel a little left out about. Everyone in the company is talking about this television show. Yeah.

And I don't ever know what you guys are talking about. I feel left out. So this segment is called, Sell Me This Pen. Oh, good. All right. But the pen is the idea of this show you guys are watching. So sell me on this idea of the show slash pen.

Okay. The show is The Traders. you guys are watching. So sell me on this idea of the show slash pen. Okay, the show is The Traders. It is on Peacock and it is a show, you already have Peacock. Hey, you can use my login. Yeah, I just got Peacock, bud. I rocket moneyed it away. Well, you remember-

I used it to watch a football game six months ago and haven't re-upped since. Exactly. You remember your brush with mafia, right? Yeah, when I was accused of trying to ruin the game for, Yes, exactly. I thought playing the game well, operating on a hunch. So, Traders is very similar to mafia.

The rules are, there are, I think it's like 10, So, Traders is very similar to Mafia. The rules are, there are, I think it's like 10, whatever it is, 10, 12 people in a castle. Reality show stars. Yeah. So not always. I think there are like different seasons in different, there's like an Australia Traders

and there's a US Traders where it was like regular people but mixed with some reality stars. Is it Traders like I'm trading or Traders like Benedict Arnold? Yeah, double crossing, backstabbing. So the premise is Alan Cumming, you know him? Yeah, people said I used to look like him. Oh, amazing.

Yeah, he's an incredible, incredible host. It's insanely campy. He's always wearing amazing outfits and amazing makeup. He's like going so over the top. But you've got 12 people in this house. I'm just gonna say it's 12. Okay. The first night, two of them are chosen to be the traitors.

In mafia, it's akin to being the killer. What is it in mafia? The murderer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Except it's, so it's basically mafia, but it's happening in real time. So all 10 of these reality stars, 12 of them, using them interchangeably now, go to sleep for the night,

but actually go to sleep, you know, not like in mafia where you everyone shuts their eyes, they all go to bed. The two traitors meet each other for the first time and they decide who to murder, or as Alan Cummings says, murder. Got it. Yeah.

So it's actually their meeting, they're not just lifting their heads up while everyone looks down. Right, exactly. They meet in a different part of the castle and they decide who to eliminate from the game by killing them okay the person they murder gets a letter they leave the castle immediately the next morning at breakfast everyone

walks in the door except for us the person they murdered this is traders yeah yeah the traders are among them in this game it's called the traders and the faithful. And do they do the voting and say, these people should leave and you killed your own or you killed the mafia? Right, exactly. So they're kind of like, you know,

suspecting people they're like going off in groups and talking about who they think it could be. But then also during the day, they're competing in these challenges. For immunity. Physical challenges, yes. You can find a shield and be immune to that night's murder. It's like mafia meets survivor. Yeah, and then like you're also winning money in these challenges to go into the overall pot.

So I think by the end it was like about almost $200,000 that they were competing for. And it's entertaining because the people are entertaining or it's just fun to see them try to kill people off that they're either right or not. I think it's entertaining because, just like any reality show, you start to root for certain people. I particularly like this season because there were no like,

you know like some of these reality shows, there's a sob story, you're like, oh this person's mom is sick, they're trying to get money for their family, and it's like, oh man, now I have to like root for them, I'll do it really bad if they lose. This one, everyone's a reality star, so you kind of hate everybody just baseline.

So like, if somebody gets voted off, you're like, oh, that's fine. They're also not like dead broke. They're just in the reality show circuit. So you don't feel that bad. Do you have favorites or least favorites? People? Yes, and it did shift as the show is going.

Like sometimes you feel, you basically, I feel like you're always rooting for the underdog. But there's two, I didn't know anybody going into this show except for CT and Trichelle from Real World, which maybe you know as well because you were watching Real World back in the day. Do you remember these guys? Is it from like Seattle or Hawaii or something?

I feel like I only watched a few seasons. CT is from Real World Paris, I believe, and Trichelle is from real world Vegas. Oh wow. CT, I think, is the most compelling person on TV in the last decade. Wow. He's so fucking good.

Yeah, he's incredible. So yeah, and then every single night, they're debating who the traders are, they're voting them off, and then getting a reveal, they're debating who the traders are, they're voting them off and then getting a reveal if they were traders or faithful. What if they get them in two and it's like, we have this whole show of 10 episodes, how do they fill the time?

That is exactly, they cheese the game a little bit, so like after, I think after two nights, they still hadn't gotten any traders, but the traders are allowed to recruit one more. So then there's three. And then I think one of them or two of them got eliminated. There was one more and then the person was able to recruit another. So basically, anytime you're down to like one, they can recruit somebody.

And then by the end, there's one final round table, and then there's a ceremony where everyone that's left in the game is allowed to basically vote until they believe everyone standing there is a faithful. And if they're all faithful, they win. And if there's even one trader, that trader wins. Wow, okay. I said this is like the grand finale. The grand finale.

Can I, yeah, go ahead. Uh, I'm going to show you somebody tell me if you know this person ready. Okay. Um, I'm screen sharing. Oh yeah. Bergy. Yeah. Okay.

So remember when you won the cameo game? Yeah. So this is, this is a cameo from Bergy. No fucking way. To you. Oh my God. What is he gonna say to me? Bergalicious?

You gotta be kidding me. You better be fucking nice. Tell me if you can see and hear it as I hit play. Okay. What is it? What do you know about this guy, by the way? He really came into his own on the show. He came in, everybody was kind of like,

oh, Berge is weak, he's a follower. He doesn't really know how to play these games. We're gonna walk all over him. And then he, but he made some really strong alliances. He won one of the challenges, it really helped out with one of the challenges, like led everybody. It was the cemetery challenge. And yeah, he was like a fan favorite.

He's just a good boy. All right, this is- I bet he's gonna say something really mean to me now. This is a cameo, I got you. From Bergy. Let's see. If you guys are watching on YouTube, you can watch long, if not, you can hear long. Okay. Let's go Jake.

What is up? It's Bergy from Love Island season five and the Traitor season two. And I got this cameo request from Amir because Amir lost a bet so that freaking sucks Amir. Jake congratulations on winning that bet. I'm supposed to give you a pep talk it's just for fun and you guys are just friends so anyways Amir told me I lost the bet to Jake and now I owe him a cameo from his favorite reality star, Bergy who else and I'm sorry this kind of took so long to get to you, but I've been traveling in Florida

and I just got to Chicago. I'm in my hotel room doing absolutely amazing. I did a meet and greet last night and I'm completely hungover, but we are doing some cameos, Jake and Amir. We got it, we're doing them. I hope you guys are having a fantastic day, but I'm here to tell you, Jake,

congratulations on coming back. How are there two more minutes? There are two more minutes this cameo. I have minutes this came out and dragons podcast and being a new father I think the amazing thing there is being a new father that is such an exciting time in your life doesn't care about D&D The full potential like am I like I'm super excited to be a father one day. Obviously. I do not want a kid right now I'd be freaking out but when I'm ready, I'm super excited And so Jake Alicia's keeping that amazing father be Jakealicious to your child I don't know what your child's name is but be the best Jakealicious you can be and

raise them right do whatever you need I'm having fun on this pep talk so let's keep it going I just wanna say thank you for being a fan Jake in a mirror allowing me to be your favorite reality TV star out of all the reality TV stars especially if you watch traitors Like those are like people on television for 20 years I was just on television for three months and then went to Scotland for a month and then yeah I'm only relevant for four months. I don't know how much longer this is gonna last But I enjoyed every moment and Jake that's what I would give to you. Enjoy every moment

You never know. Thanks for you when things can end it can end abruptly It can end over time But just enjoy the ride enjoy being a father enjoy being a new father keep working that Dungeon and Dragons podcast. That sounds awesome I never played Dungeon and Dragons, but my brother did all the time In high school and after graduating like you to have to meet with his friends I have no idea how to play Dungeon and Dragons, but I definitely should get into it. Yeah, I think he talks about like, Boulder's Gate 3 too, like my brother's like,

an awesome nerd in that area, but that's not my cup of tea, but like I definitely see myself getting into it, especially as I'm getting older, you know, like I'm not doing college football anymore and I have a lot of other options out there. So maybe I'll have to give you Dungeon and Dragons podcast a listen to.

But anyways, Jake, keep being Jakealicious. Thank you for letting me be your favorite reality TV star at the moment. But keep on watching TV. Yes, I'm just kidding. Keep enjoying doing what you're doing. Enjoy the ride. And that's my message to you in this pep talk.

So let's go, Jake. Amazing. Amazing. I really thought he was going to insult me. My cheeks hurt from smiling so much. That delighted me. That was a great cameo ad. Just you loving every second. It's true. That was a high effort cameo. Two and a half minutes. Yeah. Really good stuff. Well, I asked, so I wanted to get you a cameo from somebody you loved, and I looked at like sports players

from like the Yankees and Red Sox, and they charged like thousands of dollars. And then I remembered the show, so I asked Ali and Katie who of these people would be good, and they both recommended Bergy. Yeah, Bergy's really good. Also make sure he calls you Jakealicious, that's why he like remembered halfway through, and then just keptalicious. That's why he remembered halfway through

and then just kept saying it. That's so funny. Yeah, he definitely was hungover. It was great pep talk, meant a lot to me. That actually really meant a lot to me. I can't wait to show that to Jill. I think he was just reading a script really. It wasn't like that.

It wasn't a script, it was off the cuff. He said to keep going with the D&D podcast and that's really cool to hear. Were you considering that? I was gonna pack it up. I was gonna call it quits Fergie gave me the strength to keep on going. Hell, I was gonna run away from the family

but he was impressed that I was a dad so I guess I'll keep on doing it. I like how he's like, my brother sent all that nerdy shit. I guess I should give it a try too. Yeah. He's like, oh, that nerdy, he's an awesome nerd. Awesome nerd.

Cause this is a pep talk. You're an awesome nerd. You're not just a nerd. He kind of looks like you a little bit. He's got like the same hair and facial features. I could see that. I enjoyed that the pep talk included kind of like a nod to death and decay.

So enjoy it, because it could end abruptly or it could end over time. I'm like, yeah, man. Knocking on his hotel. You said I could stay past noon. I did a late checkout. Doing like reality show junkets in Florida and Chicago. Yeah, God, living the dream.

All right, that was a good intro to the show and a good intro to Berkey and a good intro to cameo really. Yeah, check it out, man. Good segment. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show, we love Squarespace. That's correct.

I use Squarespace over and over again, all the time. It is my go-to. Yeah, you've built multiple websites. Yes, yes. It's kind of insane. You're like almost a Squarespace entrepreneur at this point. You must have made what, three, five, 50 websites?

I am a mogul, yeah. I am a scion of Squarespace. So you know how easy it is to design, and you don't need to know much programming, if any at all, to create a professional looking online store, portfolio, blog, vlog, hell, you'll even create a slog. I have created a slog, and it is a slog.

Yeah, that's a secret vlog. You can even purchase domain names through Squarespace. Jake, what did you find that people can buy right now? Fly a bike. You've heard of fly a kite. Well, how about you fly a bike? That's where you tie a string to a bike and run with it and see if it will fly.

And if it does, you'll post it on this website, flyabike.com. Thanks, Jarks. That's pretty good, actually. Yeah, mine is bikeafly.com, which is also available. Really? You can't bike a fly? That's good.

Yeah, you put a little flea on like a bike, like, oh my God, look at this tiny little circus. Yeah, all right, cool. That's really smart. So if you wanna buy those domain names or maybe somebody in your life is turning 50 and you wanna buy them a website to show you how much you appreciate them,

you can buy their full name.com if it's available. You can do it all. Gorgeous. Yeah. And you can also do email campaigns. You can sell content. They got award-winning customer service. They even got a new AI tool called Squarespace AI

to update written content on any website, product description, or email. So it can generate instant personalized results for your brand, which is kinda cool. Very cool. So to get access to all these cool features and more, just head to squarespace.com slash segments to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain

by using that code segments. All there. Yeah, that's squarespace.com slash segments to save 10% off your first purchase. And then when you're ready to launch, you'll just use that code segments. Segments. Thank you, Squarespace. Thank you to Rocket Money for sponsoring this episode of our show.

Wow, very exciting. Jake, did you know nearly 75% of people have subscriptions that they just completely forgot about? I did know that, but only because we've done one of these ads before, and I was floored when I found out. Yeah, streaming content, you download an app to learn a thing, and then 13 months later, you're paying 6.95

for a flexibility course that you haven't taken since 2022. You're stiff as a board, I mean, my God. That's gonna happen, well, thank you, because Rocket Money is a personal finance app that finds and cancels your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower those bills so you can grow your savings. Beautiful.

Rocket Money sort of scours your bill, they say get rid of this, this, that, and the other, and then you can suddenly find yourself with some extra cash in your pocket. Exactly, right. Rocket Money has over five million users and has saved a total of $500 million in canceled subscriptions, holy smokes.

Really good. An average of $740 a year when you use the app's robust features. You found some stuff on Rocket Money that you canceled, right? Yes, yes. I mean, you don't have to name names, of course, but like, what, you saved,

I thought you said close to $1, 1500, $1,600 a month. That's a easy does it. A lot of gray area, quasi legal, kind of dangerous subscriptions that Rocket Money found. That wasn't me. And canceled. Yeah. And actually now I want them back. I'm scared without them.

So stop wasting money on things you don't use. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to rocketmoney.com slash segments. Oh yeah. That's rocketmoney.com slash segments, rocketmoney.com slash segments. Segment. Thank you Rocket Money.

And we're back. Yo, all right. Next segment, you were thinking we should do some Mad Libs. And we're back. Yo. All right, next segment. You were thinking we should do some mad loops. That's right. Kind of like, I was looking up different road trip games, trying to remember what I used to play as a kid. Cause it all, you know,

it involves fun ways to pass the time that are not super visual, AKA perfect for podcasting. And I remember how much me and my family loved Mad Libs. We would play these, I mean, even just like at home at night, like when we weren't on trips. This was just like all American American joy. All American joy. Yeah.

Yeah. It's very like 1960s. Before television, we had to write silly stories to pass the time. Yeah, exactly. Actually, can we do that game where we just look for out of state license plates and punch each other? That one did come up as well.

Yeah, we could also do a punch buggy. Nothing, yeah. That's pretty good. Yeah. Oh, oh. California. Yeah, all California. Punch buggy, that's pretty good. California. Yeah, all California, just three cars parked in front of your house. All right, let's do the other one.

All right, so the way it works obviously is I wrote a short story with some keywords missing and you're going to fill them in. Cock. Nice, really nice. For adjectives. Yeah, well I do need an adjective, that's the first. So this one's about your dick.

Come on, come on. Sorry. Let's just try to keep it DC. Let's just, yeah. Dick like for the adjective. Let's have fun within, huh? No, let's. Dick like, yeah.

Dick like, that's not. Penile or whatever. Penile? It's like senile, but over relating to- Yeah, is that- The shaft. I guess that is an adjective. Right, right, right.

All right, great, it's in there. Really trying to have just a nice, wholesome fun here. I need another adjective. Okay. P and L is the first one? Yeah, P and L is in there, locked. Quick. Quick. Quick, that's good.

Q-U-I-K-K. Okay. Quick. Give me, not quite, give me a noun. A noun. Give me, give me, give me a noun. A noun. Give me, give me, give me a noun after midnight. How about something fucking wacky as hell? Yeah, that's the idea of Mad Libs, but you know, don't make it too wacky.

Like a table, yeah. Let's keep it within reason. Table's pretty good. Yeah, actually a table's not that funny now that I think about it. How about a slice of ham? That's actually really funny. I need two, so do you want to do table and slice of ham

or do you want to do slice of ham? Yeah, let's do slice of ham and a taser. And I actually did just see a Nevada plate. Okay, so we're not doing table, we're doing slice of ham and taser. And a taser. All right.

Got it, taser. And I need another adjective. Slick. Huh? Slick. No, adjective. You said quick last time. Yeah, slick.

Lick is a verb. Real flick. Oh, slick? Slick. Slick. Look what you get. A profession, give me a profession. Pussy doctor.

Profession, give me a profession. Pussy doctor. No, but like in actuality, let's do something normal. Pussy doctor's fine. Really? It's gonna work. I think they have a name. Yeah, an OBGYN. Yeah, give me a body part. Or like a researcher.

Oh, body part could be funny. Yeah, could be. Just go with a body part. Like a wet shoulder. Wet shoulder, that's an adjective too. Yeah, but like a really greasy shoulder basically. Yeah. Something real flick.

All right. Oh, verb. Give me a verb. To grate. Great. G-R-A-T-E. Unless you're calling that verb great. No, no, no, that's good. Great. Great is good.

Yeah, like grating Parmesan or something. Give me another profession. Yeah, yeah. I was gonna say grating a wet shoulder or something. Yeah. You don't get to write the story. You just say the words. Imagine if a ham did it. Give me a profession.

Give me a profession. I will. OK. You already said pussy doctor. Internet explorer. What's so hard about that? That's actually really good. Not just an explorer, an internet explorer.

OK. A browser. Give me a place. A place. A porn house. Like a fucking living room Um, a porn house. Like a fucking living room that they do porn in. Okay. Give me a year? No.

How about fucking two? How about fucking 280? All right, good. Imagine a year so close to zero, it's two. Give me a noun. David. All right, great, we're done. There's a proper noun, a real proper.

Okay, so- That was fun. Yeah. Next segment. The end. You just read them back to me. The story is called slice of ham taser. Shouette, shoulder, greats, the table.

There is a coy Jew devil man named Amir Blumenfeld with the tiniest little penile dick you've ever seen. Yeah, right. It doesn't even make sense. He thinks his dick is quick, but it is small and gray. Not really. Well, if I knew that that's what this was about, I would have said huge cock.

You had no way, no way. His net worth is dwindling, his assets are nay and void. The only thing- I didn't say any of that. That was entirely written by you. The only thing he has going for him is his slice of ham. Let me do bank account. And some would say his taser isn't that slick,

but the truth is that he is a small gray penised loser that has no prospects for the future. Sorry to tell it like it is. I didn't say any of that. Amir used to be more of a pussy doctor, but now he is a full on husband loser with a minuscule gray dick and a gray wet shoulder to match.

If you see a mirror on the street, I would grate the other way. I don't know if gray dicks are contagious, but I doubt Amir was born with one and he must have caught it from someone. Perhaps it was the internet explorer who he slept with in a porn house back in the summer of 2 AD.

Yeah, that would make sense actually. In conclusion, Amir sucks and you can't convince me otherwise, David. A lot of that negative stuff was baked into the fabric of the story. There was no not going to the Crate Dick. There was no not saying look the other way. It was all bad.

Some of it was gonna happen for sure. Yes, exactly. They weren't variable in there by me. That's fair. Although it is funny that I called my penis penile at a certain point. We're both just making the same kinds of jokes. Right. A gray wet shoulder to match is pretty good too. And that's what you used to do with your family,

just sort of make fun of each other like that. Well, when we played with the family, we'd all go around in a circle. So I would only usually get one to two words in per story. Yeah. And I always used to get the adverbs. Yeah, they would often be ass, fart, penis, et cetera. And I was 25.

I have two more stories. Do you wanna do more? Let's do one more. All right. All right, so give me. This one will be lightning round. Watch how fast I can do it. Number.

Eight. See? Yeah. Give me a food. Fuckin' some, a cheese. Like, this is like kind of putting me on the spot. Number, give me a number. 49 and a half

Okay, okay body part Elbow oh Now I'm like starting to get nervous because it might be about my great Normal looking dick verb to jet to Josh like to Josh somebody Uh, verb? Uh, to j- to josh. Like to josh somebody. All right.

Noun? Like if this one's about a small dick, I don't necessarily have that. I'm joshing or something like that. Noun, let's do normal guy. Or good guy, actually. Okay. Funny guy. Give me another noun.

Uh, a cool dude. Who gets play. You're adding adjectives. And like when he goes to a bar, he's like basically. I've had cool dudes who gets play, but there's nothing more. Place. Islamabad.

Islamabad. Islamabad. Gotta give me another place. Denver. Okay, just have to fill that in. Plural noun. Visors. Perfect. Amir Blumenfeld is eight years old,

but he looks to be almost one thousand. He is gaunt, waifish, and doesn't have a good diet, mostly subsisting on cheese. He hasn't had sex in 49.5 years, but if he did, it would be bad sex to have, because he is so frail that the pumping motion would cause his elbow to turn to dust. I fear that if he had an orgasm he would josh his funny guy. Amir should probably abstain from even kissing. Amir should probably abstain even from kissing because his lips don't seem to get very good blood flow. They are often chapped and on the verge of falling off onto his cool dude who gets play.

I wonder why Amir doesn't just go off to Islamabad and live in solitude. Perhaps it is because he is broke and couldn't afford to live in Denver, let alone Islamabad. I wouldn't give him the money if I thought he would use it to go away, but he would probably just spend it on visors.

The loser. The end. I would say the end slash carrot. Yeah, it can be fun. It can be a lot of fun to have. This would also be a good Jake and Amir. I'm surprised we haven't done Mad Libs yet. That's true. That's true. Thank you to Helix for sponsoring this episode of our show. to have. This would also be a good Jake and Amir. I'm surprised we haven't done Mad Libs yet.

That's true. That's true. Thank you to Helix for sponsoring this episode of our show. Oh, yeah, baby. Jake, you love Helix. You sleep on a Helix. I certainly do. That is correct. I'm proud to do it. It's your favorite mattress. You know why? Because it's personalized to you. That's right. I took the sleep exam. I passed the sleep test. I am certified, licensed, professional, sleep, not quiz, test taker. Kind of like the bar, but for mattresses, folks. Yeah, it says you take a Helix sleep quiz and you can find your mattress in under two minutes.

For some. Super fast, super simple. It took me 11 days to take that test. Jesus Christ. Yes, it was open book, but I really wanted it to be perfect. Of course it's open book. It's just how you sleep. Not just that, but yeah, kind of.

And then Helix has a lineup of over 20 unique mattresses, including the award-winning Luxe collection. That's actually what I sleep on folks. Wow. So you take the quiz, uh, and then they ship you the mattress and all mattresses come with a 10 or 15 year warranty. So if you're sleeping on a mattress for so, so long, it might be time to upgrade. And the best way to upgrade is by going to helix.com slash segments.

Right. Then you take that quiz and you get 20% off all mattress orders and two free pillows. If you go to that URL. Damn. So check it out. Go to helixsleep.com slash segments and use the code helixpartner20.

Right on. So the URL is helixsleep.com slash segments. The code is helixpartner20. All one word, you get 20% off your mattress. Right. This is the best offer yet and it won't last long. No, sir. So with Helix, better sleep starts now.

It starts right now. That's right. Thanks, Helix. Thank you. Thank you to BetterHelp for sponsoring this episode of our show. Oh yeah, baby. Can be easy to ignore your social battery

and spread yourself thin, but that's not helping anybody. Right on. It is not. If you're feeling depressed or anxious about the state of the world or some sort of interpersonal relationship you're having with family, friends, loved ones, your job potentially. Oh yeah, that's true. The best way to help yourself out of life's difficult situations is to talk to a professionally

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and you can switch therapists at any time for no additional charge. Perfect. And you know the whole thing is online too. Oh yeah, so you don't have to drive somewhere. You don't have to sit anywhere. You can just log on from your house. You can even text your therapist, which is very nice.

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You'll love to hear it. So treat your mental health seriously. Take advantage of this great offer that's betterhelphelp.com slash segments. Segments. Thank you, BetterHelp. ["Icons"] Thank you, BetterHelp. Okay, we are back and I thought you might enjoy a tarot reading done by yours truly. I mean, truly. Yes.

Are you certified or? I found an online tarot card thing this morning. Of course. In a way. And I am a spiritual guy so I I often find meaning in in events people have you ever done tarot yes yes I have my mother did a tarot reading for me when I was 11 I was the death card and it is what it sounds like. No, yeah, I have done tarot before.

My mom did do tarot readings when we were kids. And I also did one kind of recently when Jeff and his girlfriend came over. She did one for us. All right, so you get it. Okay, so yeah, I get it. So let's first of all choose one of these avenues. I think, I think you should let me,

let's pick between a love reading, past, present and future, or the week ahead. Got to do the week ahead. Yeah. Okay. I figured. That one sounds more practical. Yeah. Okay. And it is a practicum.

All right. So let's shuffle the card. We're shuffling now. We're shuffling. We're shuffling. That's the key to a good tarot I think is the shuffle. It has to be random. It has to be random. It has to be me. These cards are shuffled. And we are about to draw. So you can see my cursor. Tell me, oh, we're going to draw seven cards here. Okay. Yeah, that one just looks good. This one? Yeah.

Or is it that one? Yeah. Just do seven in a row from there. It really doesn't matter. Yeah. Okay. That's really interesting. I mean, if it was a true shuffle, which I trust it to be, yeah, it has to be seven in a row. Okay. The tower inverted. I see. So this is really interesting.

Your first card in the one slot is the page, the page of cups. That's also a math lips. That's also a, excuse me. Excuse me. the page of cups. Creative possibilities of mad lips. Excuse me, excuse me. The page of cups. The page of cups. Those are two unrelated things. A messenger, creativity, humor, and possibilities.

Creative possibilities abounds. Explore new ideas and new dimensions of ourselves. Now new options open everywhere, including spiritually also a message from far away. How interesting is that then? Excuse me, that we are number one trying a new option spiritually on our comedy podcast humorously trying something new i.e. tarot a message from far away. Oh I wonder where I am New York City. I wonder where you are, Los Angeles. This is a modern message. This is Zoom.

This is the internet. We are going across continent, transcontinental connection here, okay? That's very interesting and very apropos. I think we can both admit that we are grounded here in a reality where we are both believing wholeheartedly in tarot and the power of these cards. And now that you're on board,

why don't we move on to the second card, excuse me. Sorry, all your browser, all your bookmarks are porn. They're really distracting. There's different keyword searches, smut zines that you're trying to write. Yeah, it's your writings. Fanfic smut here. The Six of Pentacles is your sex card, your next card.

The Six of Pentacles, generosity, charity, giving, prosperity, and sharing wealth. Assistance comes from generosity and selfless action, a kind soul, a desire to be fair in dealings, a conscious knowledge that roles could be reversed. What does this mean to you? Because this is happening. It doesn't mean anything.

Really? Because this is happening today. It says Tuesday. We're recording on a Tuesday. You better figure out what it means and fast. Number under two, because there are seven days in the week, jackass. So yesterday was Monday.

Kind of interesting that all that stuff was happening. So it was telling me something that already happened? That's not the future? That was, well, it was the week ahead. Ideally, we started this yesterday. Ideally, we started this yesterday. Tuesday, look. The page of cups. The page of cups.

The page of cups is, that was eons ago. The table of corn. This is the six of pentacles. This is fair dealings. You have to- Okay, fine. Don't say fine. What are you dealing with today?

What's on the rest of, what's, what is the next, what is the first thing you're doing after this Zoom? It's probably eating lunch. Okay. And are you splitting lunch with somebody? Are you going to try to offer less at the lunch counter? Are you trying to wheel a deal here somehow? I'm going to try to barter for a sandwich. I'm going to go to wax paper and say,

I don't have my credit card on me. Can I exchange a joke or an ad read on the show? A desire to be fair in dealings. And you're genuine Ira Glass. Yeah, really great sandwich. All right, well, that's today. So be on the lookout for dealing fair and true. Now this is very fascinating.

Wednesday, this is tomorrow. This is imminent. This is imminent. This is the night of pentacles. Inverted by the way, which is actually a pretty big deal in the tarot world. That you can actually take this to mean the opposite, motherfucker. Routine conservatism, a methodical approach,

and diligence, a hard worker, unwavering dedication to detail and to getting the job done. Get her done. Delayed gratification. And now the opposite. A diligent person, excuse me, a hard worker unwavering dedication to detail and to getting the job done, delayed gratification, diligent person, excuse me, who works consistently towards a goal, responsibility, and in the inverted meaning, yes, exactly, to be stuck in the daily grind, to feel trapped by a routine or restrictive approach,

a sense of impatience, a rigid person or perfectionist, almost like you've had enough of this tarot reading. You are so steadfast in not believing this to be true that you're not going to change. Now that's rigidness. Yeah. Now that's brittle, bud. These are all so vague. Yeah, they're all so vague.

Yeah. And you won't believe, but that's actually, that's you feeling stuck in your daily grind. You're immovable. You are being a knight of pentacles inverted in this very moment. Okay. Okay. Shall we move to Thursday then?

Yes. If you're not gonna fucking leave. Yes. And if we can do a Friday too, let's just wrap it up into it. Congratulations, bud. The page of wands. Now that's a big fucking deal.

That's a BFD. I already had the page of cups. I'd rather see that on a Friday, but that's enthusiasm, exploration, discovery, and free spirit. Okay. Enthusiasm for new ideas is indicated and a desire to embark upon adventures of discovery.

Creative solutions are born, a yearning for freedom and travel. Let's talk about this. You have any travel coming up? Yeah, I mean, I'm going to New York in May. That's kind of interesting. I bet you're gonna be booking some things on Thursday. Yearning by any chance.

Freedom, travel. You excited to come here? We're planning your honeymoon anytime soon? Yeah, maybe, I don't know. Okay, well I can appreciate that you're not that enthusiastic today because again, it is Tuesday and you're only feeling the six of pentacles and you're trying to be just in your dealings

and you're being even-handed with me and not trying to tip your hand, which I do appreciate. But you just wait till Thursday and you're gonna feel Bonnie and Mary. I'll tell you what. Fly than Bonnie. Fly than Bonnie, yes indeed, okay. As well yet style.

Let's move on to Friyay, AKA. You gasp and start crying. Oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no. This is bad, this is really bad. No, this is great, the magician, though inverted. I think you're just holding it backwards. Flip it upside down. Well, I'm not doing anything.

That's the tarot deck, that's God herself. So just read the inverted meeting. That's mastery, skill, concentration, and resourcefulness. Don't make me do the opposites. The skill may be there, but execution and follow through are weak. Okay, that's what it's saying.

The tarot, the tarot and I agree that you're kind of a low key piece of shit, lazy ass, wanna be poser. Yes, the tarot read my mad libs and it agrees. Overconfidence or carelessness may actually lead to sloppiness, Blumenfeld. So you better get your head out of your ass.

I feel you're gonna leverage one's best skills. What happens on Friday? Let's talk about what you're doing on Friday because you are gonna have to, you're gonna have to buckle down. You're gonna have to buckle. Yeah, I think we're doing like an office tour for people who are in town

for a podcast festival on Friday. Oh, all right. So you, I can see you kind of being lackadaisical about that. You've got your overconfidence. This is your office. This is your network. Oh, come on in.

It's cool. It's casual. But actually you have to dial in and you have to impress people. You have to be on your toes and you have to be going at 100%. I don't think so. That's that magician pulling a trick on you. You have to be going at 110%.

Okay. Don't take your, don't take a sip of coffee while I'm speaking to you. Do not do that again. It's like, how do you care? It's like I'm boring you or something. And you need a sweet distraction. It's almost like you don't believe tarot is fucking real. And you're trying to-

You ask me what I'm doing, and you back into the explanation. I didn't say the Friday tour thing. Yeah, well, I have to ask you what's going on so we can apply the tarot. It's not like I'm saying what you have to be aware of and then you're telling me what you're doing and I'm saying, oh, well, this is what the tarot might say

in that given situation. I cannot half-ass this. I cannot have a sip. See, now you're hung up on this one weird thing that I said, like when I didn't want you to drink. I'm actually the page of cups, so I'm allowed to do whatever the fuck I want you to drink. I'm actually the page of cups. So I'm allowed to do whatever the fuck I want with this thing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's, you are, I see that you're trying to bargain with me because it is Tuesday. Yep. On a Tuesday. Look at you with your dealing with me. I see that you're trying, you're negotiating. Just like the card said.

Go to fucking Saturday. Saturday is the queen of wands, bitch. Yes, it is inverted. It's the queen of wands, and it is inverted. Exactly right. Everything's inverted. I think you're holding your computer upside down. That is confidence, social adeptness, and determination.

Wow, and the inverted reening meaning. Excuse me. The inverted reening. Yeah, you got me saying it. The inverted reening is socializing and connections come easily but they may not be the true source of power. Do you understand that? Or did that go over your head?

Stick a wand up your ass. True power comes from within. An introverted time for an extrovert. That means nothing. Now, well, you might make a connection, don't you think, at this Friday tour. And you might think that that connection came easy, that you were social and that you made a new friend. But remember that friendship, this access that you might get from handshaking the right guy, oh,

you're in marketing at Apple. Oh, you're you're on the buying side at Spotify, you do ad placement for AG1? Let's get coffee. Let's keep this conversation going. Yeah, you know, I like basketball too. Why don't we go to a game sometime? You think that that relationship is the source of power, but you are mistaken.

I wish you would remember what you might learn from the six of pentacles on a Tuesday and be a little more just with your dealings and a little more generous and not so opportunistic because the true source of power I'm not consumes about to die you have to let me go the true source of power comes from within it comes from with fine now let's go to sunday let's go to sunday yeah that is inverted and it is the tower. Everything's been inverted. We're talking about chaos, upheaval, sudden change, and yes, revelation. Yes, fine. This is a time of internal transformation and change, creative destruction, opportunity from chaos.

Okay, also, put aside ego and superficiality and be honest with oneself. Now what does that mean to you? What are you doing on Sunday? Are you playing basketball? Are you going, are you getting brunch with anybody? Probably. My microphone died by the way. We're on to just the video audio at this point. So yeah, I'm playing basketball. Go with that. Yeah. You do you not even see that coming? Did you? Well, no, I actually did because that's chaotic. That is upheaval and that is sudden change, aka the tower, aka your Sunday, aka inverted.

But I see an opportunity with this chaos. Do you not? I do not. It's that we get to end the show. Yeah. Yeah. And that is the power of tarot namaste. And that will be another cameo from Berge. That will cost you.

Yes. Yes. I did not do that for free. I did not read your card for free. That's Berge. That's burglicious. There was a few other people on the traders. Maybe I could save them for a rainy day. CT, that would be huge.

That's all I want in my life. Also, John would be pretty amazing. All right, that's it. That's our episode. I'm definitely out of time. You guys are probably out of time. Thank you for listening. Thank you for watching if you are.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. And you are. Mm-hmm. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. And you can watch more of us over at patreon.com slash J.A. We've only been doing it for five or six years now. So yeah, so there's a lot of content behind that page. Paywall. That's correct. That's correct.

And until then, we'll see you next week. Bye, everybody. Later. That was a head gum original. Hey there podcast listener. Good news. We're doing another head gum happy hour in New York City. Whoa, that's amazing news.

Amir, why don't you tell the folks when and where it is? Okay, fine. It's Tuesday, May 7th at 730 p.m. At the Bell House. Okay, and why don't you tell everybody who the fucking hosts are? Yeah, that would be us. It would be we're hosting it. It's Jake and Amir. Okay, and how about this you little piece of shit? Why don't you tell everybody who is gonna be performing? Who is this show featuring? All right, I don't appreciate being called that, but it is featuring Charlie Barde, Natalie Rodder, late man of exploration. And why don't you tell them, excuse me, why don't you tell them who else it's featuring?

Yeah, Nellie Tamarez and Elise Morales of the Go Touch Grass podcast and- Some surprise guests as well. More, yes. And Mir, why don't you go ahead and close this out now. You say something like, thanks for listening, we'll see you at the show or something like that. Why don't you go and do that okay i will it's that's uh so go buy a ticket at headgum.com live and we'll see you there all right bye