If I Were You - 26: The Richest Man

Episode Date: October 7, 2013

In this episode we discuss periods, police and... Shakespeare?This episode is brought to you by NatureBox -- All natural food, delivered to you. Check out naturebox.com and use coupon code "ifiwereyou" for 50% off your first box! Click here: http://bit.ly/1fJcW58See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

If I were you, if I were you I'd know exactly what to do So trust me, I'll trust in you Listen to my dope and fire You seize the cheese, then bounce out gracefully Are you ready for some money? Say, yeah, yeah, yeah You seize the cheese You trust me I trust in you I love it so much because it sounds like it's like

his voice should be singing some kind of like cool love ballad and he's like, you seize the cheese, seize the cheese What does it sound like? Dave Matthews? It's like Dave Matthews means stained The greatest band in the history of time Oh man, his voice is great, it's like really deep Do you remember the guy's name? Oh no, I don't

Me neither. Let me check right now Trenton Eliopoulos There it is, and you guys, he made a really funny or weird video I don't think he wanted it to be funny or weird What do you think he wanted it to be? I think he wanted it to be sincere and good He threw a banana off a roof, I think, isn't that? That's the definition of comedy, I think

Wait, it's on YouTube, it's called Seize the cheese if I were you, Jake and Amir theme song There you go, search it You trust me I trusted you Oh yeah, I trusted you Seize the cheese What song does it remind you of?

Oh man, when we were at Rec Room yesterday Brian was like, it reminds me of Stained What's a Stained song? I'm on the outside I'm looking in It reminds me of, God, what's that? Sort of like a Creed song too Or Incubus

It's so much better When everyone is in, are you in? What song is that? It's Incubus You loved Incubus, didn't you? I loved Stained in whatever, Creed I really think his voice sounds kind of like I think it's Scott Stapp

What's a Creed song? Can you take me higher You trusted me To a place where blind men see Seize the cheese Everyone stopped listening This is a mash-up, I think This episode is a goddamn mash-up

I feel a mash-up of myself We should say that this is a best of episode So we're just going to play questions that we've already heard before Do you think we'll ever do that? God, I hope I hope we hate our fans that much that we'll do that No, they do that on Car Talk sometimes Where it's like, hey, let's take a look at this one

This one was our favorite one Yeah, they usually, they host it Well, the one that I heard was like On Mother's Day And their mother had passed away She had called in a couple of times Over the cheese That's still cheating

They should have done an all-new episode You dick Well, it's like how my least favorite Simpsons episodes were just clip shows Oh my god, I remember that That was the worst I think they did one a season Which is one every 24 episodes

And this is episode 24 Is that true? So this should be a clip show And now it will be Remember this guy who found a bird in a box I still want to do that thing where we Call people who have taken our advice Right, and see how it goes

So if you've like If you've followed our advice If you wrote in, got on the show And followed our advice Email us again And like, I would love We want to talk to you on the podcast And find out how it went

What happened And then like, update everybody I think that'd be really fun Yeah, we've answered Probably over 100 questions by now Yeah, that's another thing they did on Car Talk This show I wanted to be exactly like Car Talk on NPR

They'd like call somebody up And be like, oh yeah, we told you Your carburetor was messed up And you took it to the shop And what happened? They're like, yep, it wasn't that And they're like, oh no Only in our version

It's like, hey, we told you not to get tested For herpes And you're going to check without protection Hey, whatever happened with that? Sorry, no, this is This is Rob's mom, he's dead Oh no We're suing you

Alright Hang up Because then it won't count in a court of law Alright, next question That is not good logic It counts It all counts In a court of law

This is if I were you The only advice podcast on the internet Hosted by us I'm Jake And I'm Amir And yeah I don't know No, you'd know, right?

I'm at a loss I really am No, now we have to do the podcast I really am Stumped Really? Yeah, I know we scripted out this entire episode beforehand And I sort of forgot

Do you not have the script? What my line is at this point No, you're reading it, that was it Oh yeah, what my line is at this point You're reading right now Okay, so here I am Alright Okay, so anyway, the way the podcast works

Is we accept your emails Of people who are in Little desperate times or desperate places And they resort to desperate measures AKA emailing us Desperate measures? They aren't desperate faces That's another name of this podcast

Desperate measures Yeah, that's true You think desperatemeasures.com is taken? Desperate leasures It's vacations that you really desperately need Yeah, or desperate pleasures That's definitely a porn site, right? Yeah, probably

Desperatepleasures.com I guess like anybody going to a porn site Is a desperate pleasure Otherwise you wouldn't be going to a porn site So these people email us in with their You know, sticky situations as we call them And we do our best to advise them Out of their terrible places

And that email is Ifirushowatgmail.com We try to read We do read every single one And we try to filter down the ones That we love the most And want to answer the most on this podcast And that's usually four or five per episode

So let's get started Alright We're going to give you Give you guys a fake name To go along with your real email So don't worry, nobody will know that it's you For example, this one comes from someone That I'll call

Macbeth Macbeth What do you think the theme of today's episode is? Some Disney shit I haven't seen Hercules Or Mulan in a minute So I don't know if your reference is in the last shit The last Disney animation I saw was

The Hunchback of Notre Dame And that was a little too gay to keep going So I don't know if Macbeth Is being a dude on that Alright Hey guys I'm from England And I'm

Excuse you I cleared my throat away from the microphone Yeah, but it picked up actually It really did If anything, this is a bigger interruption What you're doing right now Hey guys I'm from England

And I'm kind of rich And went to a private school I'm about to start university And I haven't really socialized with many Poor people before And I'm worried I'll be awkward Will people expect me to buy the drinks And stuff like that?

Please help a brother out Cheers Macbeth So How rich is this guy That he doesn't know how to act around a person Who's, I don't know I'm worried that I won't be able to act around A normal or something

A poor This does sound like a Disney cartoon I consider everyone a peasant To me I'm a prince And they're a pauper I don't know if I speak their language I'm afraid I'll turn my nose up And throw change at some of these people on campus

For fear that I'll mistake them for a homeless pauper I will throw a doubloon at them He said kind of rich But it sounds like he's the richest person in the world Much like Macbeth was in Macbeth Oh, interesting And he had a bit of a tragic downfall, didn't he? I don't know if Macbeth was actually rich

Or if Macbeth was from England Wasn't he the king of something else? I mean, I can't remember now Damn it I should have looked it up So I can appear as though I knew it all along So you can appear smart Are you okay?

Excuse you My phone just went off How is that fair? U.J. cleared his throat And it was a bit of a distraction And my phone's gone off And it's borderline ruined the show Because I think my phone has never gone off

During a podcast recording But then I think, wait a minute I haven't received a phone call in probably three weeks You got a phone call? Yeah, I got a phone call Who was it from? My friend Josh Yeah

That's shit Damn it, I think I have to call back Yeah, I haven't heard from Josh in a goddamn year Josh? No, impossible That's just me listening to the voicemail Alright, so This guy

Another funny line from this guy's e-mail is that He's worried he'll be awkward But when you're worried about this being a possibility You probably will be very awkward Yeah, I can't imagine How rich he is Or looks that he thinks it's good Like, are you walking around all the

Are you like wearing a king's robe And a crown? It's gonna be fine King of Denmark, that's where Macbeth is from Alright, cool Let people know I didn't look that up Especially if I'm wrong Yeah, well everyone, if they look it up now

They'll be like, oh wow, I didn't look it up Or it's just the top Google result and then everything else below it Is something different Well here's the question, if he is rich More noticeably rich And he does buy people drinks, do you think that's a good thing Or a bad thing? Do you want to blend in

And not like come off as the rich dude? Yeah, I mean, who cares? Well in college everyone's poor Right, that's what you think Or everyone's at least a little well off Because they're at a college and college is expensive Yeah, or at the very least their parents Give them enough money to survive

So when you're at college, everyone's parents are rich And every student's poor I know, although there are a bunch of Students that don't get any money from their parents Right, no I'm just kidding There's a huge Variation, some people are rich And some people are poor, just like the real world

It sort of prepares you for that Yeah, I mean I don't know Just don't shake their hands, you don't want any of their Poverty stricken diseases to creep up on you Who knows what they have I can't imagine how sheltered this guy's life is He's like, I'm very worried about poor people

He's rich, he's rich Yeah, are you rich, he's rich Or are you poor, he's poor I hope you lose all your money in college And then, uh... This guy's Scrooge McDuck I'm spacing my dorm for my giant For my giant gold coin collection

My chest of coins So at home I have a diving board where I dive into coins Do I Do I get that at college? Is that the gym? How will I know if people, if my roommate Will bring the coin chest or if I should I'd like to do

Backstroke through Through my billion dollars in coins But I'm afraid it might come off weird to the pores That's a really weird cartoon Where Scrooge McDuck Just would swim in his money Yeah, it's not very likable You're supposed to make your main character likable

But he was very likable Scrooge? For an old rich bastard He was tough on the outside But he was a good guy He still swam through gold In front of many, many poor people You're not allowed to have

Like a huge Safe of gold Every episode of DuckTales Scrooge Scrooge got his money stolen Just put it in a goddamn bank Scrooge No, I really like swimming in it

No, I know, but Put half of the coins in a bank and make like a coin jacuzzi Can I at least advise you? You can have a coin waiting pool I really want to be able to dive into the coins You can dive into coins It's a very deep pool Make it six feet

As your financial advisor, I have to I appreciate what you're saying here What I do want to do Is be able to do a high dive Into all of my coins How about we give you bills No Gold coins

The bills might actually feel nicer They're at least softer when you dive into them Breaks his neck That was a college humor video Yeah, that's right In conclusion Treat them as you would a normal You bum

Yeah, Jesus You bum They're poor of money, but you're poor of Poor of heart Sometimes people Without money Treat rich people differently Fuck off, man

No, they don't I'm really offended that you even bring that up That's a millionaire myself I don't appreciate that I treat you different In fact, I'll give you a thousand dollars right now To shut your mouth He threw money at me

Here, take this Paper cut in my eye Take this ass He's making it rain Alrighty, Rue Next question People ever throwin' coins up in the air Instead of making it hail

Dude, you need to get back on Twitter, man I mean, that's legit 50-RT, 50-Fave Shit right there, it really is Yeah, I'm gonna make it hail Quote, attribute the quote To a guy throwing coins at a strip club I'll give it to you

No, I don't really want it I don't do 50-RT's, alright I'm a triple digit motherfucker He's throwing money at me again Alright, alright, alright Hey, now ladies Now ladies This question comes from someone who asks

What's cooler than being cool? Ice cold? Yeah, ice cold Alright, next question Here it is, it's from We'll call her Lady Macbeth Still any ideas about the theme of today's characters? Is it from... No, it's not from...is it from Brave?

Some dickens shit I haven't read that since high school Alright, Lady Macbeth writes Isn't that everybody's life question? Yeah How do I do me While continuing to seize the cheese? The trick is

Seizing the cheese becoming your job Right now she's trying to seize the cheese On the side You gotta seize the cheese Full time every day If you wake up every morning And you think of your job as seizing the cheese If you aren't like, I gotta go to work

I gotta deal with my boyfriend Then I'm gonna seize the cheese There's not enough time to actually have the cheese be seized This is you in 20 years Being a motivational speaker After I die This is me in a retirement home sitting alone in a wheelchair But in two years

Yelling at elder people I'm in a mental hospital There's the padded walls of his street jacket The trick to seizing the cheese It's okay, Jake, it's okay Here's your shot No, no, no Ow!

My life is gonna be hashtag dope Can you imagine having shit Being taken care of for you like that? You know, some people have been tweeting at me That I'm a beast in that regard I think that's gonna be my new catchphrase Seizing the cheese How do you become a beast in that regard?

Seizing the cheese Well, this is how I view her problem She's not the question She has work, she has school She has her boyfriend, who's generally unsupportive And she has her stress relief, which is rock climbing So I imagine her time is a pie chart A big chunk of it is

school, a big chunk of it is work A big chunk of it is her boyfriend Which is unsupportive and unhumpful And then a small, smaller chunk Is the rock climbing Sounds like the one you want to get rid of Is the one that's generally unsupportive And unhelpful

Isn't that the easier one to get rid of? My advice to you is to re-read the email And try to see it as clearly as we do What else could we possibly tell you to stop? Work you have to do Because that gives you money Studying to become an engineer You know what you're working towards

Is a job where you'll see the cheese every single day That's right We're left with two things One which you describe as a stress relief And one which you describe as generally unsupportive And unhelpful Has a mountain ever been unsupportive Or unhelpful?

When you send it? You know what? You send that shit So Can you imagine if we were like Give up climbing We want your life to be a perpetual cycle Of school work unsupportive Unhelpful at night

And you just repeat that until you die It's usually hard all day Stress out all day And then you can go home And take in care of So shake that bottle of two liter Soda all day and then when you come home Instead of squeezing the cap open

Just have your boyfriend shake it up some more Go to bed at night even more stressed out And then begin that process over and over Until you die Yeah who wants a stress relief When you can have a stress Period Period

That's funny She should have her Hey chick We appreciate That you think your boyfriend's unsupportive And unhelpful but Have you checked the monthly calendar And maybe it's that time of the month for you

Odds are you're not on the mend You're on the rag Anytime I've ever been accused Of being a jerk I swear to God I think that chicks had her period Or some shit If not her period then like the days before it Cause like a lot of it can like manifest

Every single day Every four weeks there's two weeks where My chick is just like ragging it She's ragging it so hard And she's just PMSing And she'll admit it but like not in the moment She'll be like stop bringing it up Don't say that it would be because of that

So sometimes I'll be like being a dick and like My girlfriend will call me out on it and I'm like Oh you're PMSing she's like no I'm not on my period Like you're probably thinking about some time Like oh my period's coming up So I'm in a shit mood I did Yeah and then I'll pay her some cash

I'll give her a freaking like Like a purse or some shit from Chanel And they'll fucking get over in a goddamn heart Yo girls love Gucci Girls love Chanel Girls love Fendi Girls love Fendi and Chanel

Fendi and Prada okay You gotta understand and if they don't love that shit If a girl doesn't like a Prada purse Then she's on the rag If a girl doesn't like a Prada purse I give a girl a Prada purse I say here's your tampon holder babe We have to stop

I feel like if anybody started Listening in the middle of that And didn't realize that we were being Assholes on purpose They'd be like I feel like you could show that Part of the podcast to like some Some like asshole dudes Would just love it they'd be like yes

Like every Tucker max fan Well that's our way of appealing To everyone Yeah we like act as though these people So they don't realize that we're making fun of them They love it and then we're also appealing To people who don't like those people Or everyone hates us because people who don't like those

People are like these guys think they're being funny But that's actually a sexist bit And then people who Who are actually sexist are like these guys Are making fun of us next thing you know Uh oh we have no listeners Holy shit I would consist

So wait yeah where were we Uh get rid of your boyfriend Yeah That way you won't need to rock climb as much Because he won't be as stressed out You'll get rid of more time than you need Or you won't have to worry about like maintaining your relationship You'll just be climbing

You love climbing I love climbing yeah But you haven't done it in so long I know because I broke my goddamn foot And how does it feel now To be perfectly honest it still hurts But I also hated being on crutches And that rolling scooter so much

That I'm afraid to go back to the doctor You'd rather live the rest of your life like this Than to spend six more weeks on a rolling scooter I'd rather just wait Until it gets a little more unbearable And go see the doctor and ask if something's wrong Which is what I did Originally when I broke my foot

I waited for Wait February, March, April, May I waited for three full months To go get x-rayed And you were walking on a broken Calcaneus heel bone Yeah I had a calcaneus fracture And I was just walking on it

I basically got it to heal As much as it ever possibly would Without a Surgery No without just like you know Getting off it completely And then I was like oh it still hurts I don't know what to do I went to the doctor

He's like it's broken fractured Like oh Anyway walk Use this wheelchair for the next six weeks When you're in England and Iceland Meanwhile you had just spent three months At home anyway doing nothing Yeah cause I couldn't really walk

But I would just like try whatever Fuck me I suck let's go This show is sponsored by BetterHelp Thank you BetterHelp if you're finding yourself In a difficult anxious Stressful situation Talking to a professional licensed therapist Is the best way to navigate yourself

In a difficult place And it's not necessarily easy To find a therapist Especially one in your area But BetterHelp makes that all easy Because it's online therapy Designed to be convenient, flexible And suitable to your schedule

You just fill out a brief questionnaire And get matched with a licensed therapist And you can switch therapists at any time For no additional charge It's incredibly helpful therapy has helped Millions of people So give therapy a try It can give you the tools to find a more balanced life

I've tried therapy it's been very helpful So you can find that balance Better with BetterHelp All you gotta do is go to betterhelp.com Slash if I were you You do that today you can get 10% off your first month So the prices are already affordable Cause you're not paying rent

For a building somewhere that You have to drive to and wait in a waiting room This is done entirely online But you're still getting professional Licensed help And it's extra affordable That's BetterHelpHELP.com Slash if I were you

Check em out, thanks BetterHelp Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode Of our show, wow For years and years and years We've been ranting and raving about Squarespace Cause it's the best way for dummies Like me and potentially You that don't necessarily know how to

Code or design to create A professional looking website So if you're building an online portfolio For yourself or a loved one Or you wanna sell stuff online You can do an online store They have 24-7 live customer support Email campaigns

Data You can even purchase a domain name through Squarespace For example, I didn't even look this up But there's no way you can't Buy a mere Blumenfeld Is a gooddude.com I bet that's available And you can have it today

And build an awesome website dedicated to me Or I guess dedicated to anyone else in your life And maybe you wanna give somebody a gift This season A summer birthday coming up Who doesn't want a website So the best way to do that is to go to Squarespace.com

Slash if I were you for a free trial And when you're ready to launch, just use that offer code If I were you to save 10% Off your first purchase of a website Or domain, again Squarespace.com Slash if I were you For a free trial, everything looks good Let's launch it, just use that offer code

If I were you to save 10% off that first purchase Thank you, Squarespace Let's get one last question in before our break This one comes from McDuff Simpsons McDuffman Says a lot of things What the fuck, I came back from a two month holiday

In New Zealand to find a dead owl carcass In my bedroom floor I have still not attempted to move it It has created a pungent stench That The ought my house I guess he means throughout my house My friends think I should get it taxidermy

To display in my living room Is it morally right to stuff a dead animal Thanks guys It's definitely hygienically wrong to leave one on your floor This guy's from Scotland Now that I think about it, maybe where Macbeth is actually from Or McDuff I don't know, it's something thematically relevant

Either way, it's not Morally wrong to stuff It's morally wrong to stuff anything other than a dead animal A dead animal is the only thing that's right to morally stuff And chicks Yeah Just like get like a freaking chick head Like over my mantle

That's not what I meant What did you mean? Never mind Is it morally wrong? Is that a thing that People who are really into animal rights are against If the animal is dead, I can't imagine It being a problem I feel like if you're against like animal

Hurt animals, whatever People hunt animals and then have them Stuffed or mounted, so they're probably against That whole thing If an owl died of natural causes If you come across a dead owl I can't imagine anyone has a problem with Slicing the back of its rib cage open

Peeling it open like a book And then putting in some sort of gauze until It's torso is so stuffed Full of that cotton That it's plastered In that petrified dead state Being a taxidermy guy Must be like

A taxidermist? Yeah, that must be a really hard job Cause like I imagine it smells bad I imagine it's kind of disgusting And then also you have to like Be sure to seal up everything Just to make the animal never smells bad

That's hard Every job except for ours is hard Right Like any real job is hard No, it's probably easy to be like a toll booth operator What you're dealing with is the On-wee of being so bored on a day to day Basis that you can't imagine where

One day ends and another begins It's just so monotonous that Your life Professional golfer, that's easy That one's tight I'd be down to do that If this podcast shit ever falls through I'd be down to golf

That rich guy from question one is listening He's like, what's a job? What's a golf? I only play polo and cash I hunt man The most dangerous game of all Yeah, I mean I think you can stuff it Be kind of cool

At least get it out of your room you fucking weirdo I just love that There was a dead owl carcass God, how did that happen? Yeah I want to go inside to die That's beautiful We spend all our lives inside

I'd love to be outside when I die Yeah, now it's just like I want to be close to something Exactly, for the first time in my goddamn life I'd like to feel warmth And I'd like to be safe I'm like an owl in that regard I'm nocturnal, I can't sleep at night

I would rather die in this guy's bedroom Than live outside of it Yep I'm a lone owl If you will And I'm always asking me myself Who am I? Who will I love?

Who's gonna love me? Who? Who let the dogs out? Who let the dogs out? You turned so quickly there Yeah Aha man, isn't that weird And he's back

I can turn on a dime But I can't get one I can turn on the dime And I can never look back That's why I'm fucking psycho I'm liable to go psycho Michael, take your pick Alright

Break time Let me stretch it out You guys can't tell There's a pantsless bent over Touching his toes I really wish I weren't seeing this I'm doing nude calisthenics Stretching it out

We should talk about how I do every podcast In the complete buff Yeah, complete buff Because Amir, what you have to understand Is that he drapes all of his clothes Around his apartment So I have nothing really to wear At this point

Every day is my laundry day I wanted to talk during the break about how You got pulled over twice In a span of 24 hours This weekend was the Woodstock comedy festival This past weekend College humor had a show there

Josh Rubin He helped Put it on, it's his hometown And Woodstock is great It's this very cute small town Yeah, it's this awesome hippie town Where a lot of people went there in 1969 And never left

And now they still talk about it It's really funky, it's in the Catskills Beautiful town And you almost got arrested twice Yeah, well three times actually If you consider the first day Where the cops trailed the back of your truck And never pulled you over

Let's start there I drove my truck up First day, day one We're taking joy rides around the back roads Because it's beautiful I was blasting music And there were four people in the back of my truck Which isn't safe

No, it's illegal It's clicking our ticket, you know You need to get out of seatbelts So we went to this amazing reservoir Came back, we had A two mile stretch on this main route Where the speed limit was 55 So I was doing 55 with people in the back of my truck

Even in the back of the truck you mean the bed of it People Not allowed to be there Like, oh, I'm getting pulled over You were in the back of the truck And you were like, do you have to pull over I was like, his lights are not, I don't know I don't know what to do here

So I just kept on going exactly 55 The exact speed limit Took a left off the route And he just kept on going But that was just the prelog To what was going to happen later that night So then that night Maybe that gave us the power to try it again

Right, I just felt so brazen Felt like no one could touch me You were invincible So the next night Oh yeah, that night After the show We celebrated there was like a VIP after party I should just say after party

Fuck me There was an after party For very important people For me There was an after party for Everyone who did the show And we got some champagne There was socializing

Hanging out Then we were like planning on going to a bar Like a local dive bar Vinny is from the town over and he was taking us Taking us there I had you in my truck Shabak in my truck Maybe I shouldn't name drop people

But those people weren't breaking the law And then there were two people who will remain nameless But one of them is Rosie We'll call him Macbeth and Lady Macbeth In the back Of the bed of the truck again So we're driving there Going down these back streets

Within two minutes Sirens, I'm getting pulled over Like oh fuck I had a glass of champagne You're not supposed to drive Under any circumstances So anyway The cop comes up

Two people in the back of the truck You know they're not allowed to be there I know Do you know why I pulled you over Fuck there's a million reasons Which one do you want So The car ahead of us

They get the two people out of the bed of the truck And they didn't get tickets I'm going to get their tickets So Maybe they get tickets and I get tickets So then he asked me If I had been drinking Told me my license plate light is out

Asked me if I was drinking I had a glass of champagne but I'm good to drive I swear I got You understand You've been drinking man He's like get out of the truck Got out Took a field sobriety test

This is the second time this year That I've been in fucking trouble with the police The Iceland thing It's only when you leave New York That you get across to my policemen So three cop cars All giving me To a goddamn audience because the other car

Is still there And me and Mike are in the car Mike's sort of freaking out because he thinks He might get arrested for driving While intoxicated and I'm just laughing Taking photos Taking so many pictures So I take the sobriety test

I have to touch the tip of a pen Follow the pen with my eyes without moving My head I had to stand on one Leg and count to I just count This is one one thousand two one thousand Until he told me to stop I heard that because

The back window is open so I look Outside and you're just like counting to twenty I'm like wow it really is like they do in the movies Yeah and then I had to walk the straight line nine paces Pivot turn nine paces back And uh I mean I'm not trying to brag but I nailed it Yeah I really did

I fucking really nailed it I'm not even sure I could do that right now It's count to twenty one thousand One foot yeah and uh And then but at the end He made me blow into the tube Which is what you call it when he asks you for To suck his dick

Which uh I mean I can't I can't fake that right And now to get off you have to Blow my tube Tell you what do you want me to blow into the Do you want me to blow the breathalyzer or you Officer it's very clear

What you're asking for the cuffs are on Hey hey oh kinky I like that Put me on my knees officer Oh arrest me sir Oh you want to do it in the back of the cop car Hey okay You getting into sir are we role playing Is this road dome

Cause there's a goddamn gate here Hey I'm trying to Suck your dick man You're gonna arrest me You're gonna make it really hard on me What about you you're a male prostitute I think I'm suing you This guy's drunker than I've ever been

Drunk with power Fight the power You fucking bully So then I blew into the tube And it came in back that I had Had something to drink Which I was honest about But he so he was like

Go back into the Into the truck And then at some point I mean like the whole time I'd been like Friendly a little bit jokey I felt deprecating that I was stupid for like You know doing everything I had been doing And I also like they knew that we were in town for the festival

So he comes back And he's like So um I should be giving you All kinds of tickets I could have your car towed But uh my partner here likes you So Get out of here Like what zero tickets

Nothing untouched Didn't the partner say so what do you guys do for college humor Yeah yeah he did I was just like this is amazing We spin around go back to meet everybody In a parking lot blasting JZ's 99 problems Just felt like we really

Took advantage of them So thank you so much Officer Jones of the Woodstock police For letting us off Jake was hammered and you just let it As promised here's your shout out on the podcast For your son So we got off everybody Is just like how does that happen to you

Cause everyone's like Kind of happy that they don't have to deal with like bailing me out of jail But everyone's also a little bit mad Because like you get away with everything don't you You shouldn't have done that This is just coming off the heels of your STD exam Being clean So then I was like making jokes all the next day

Like yo bad shit doesn't happen to me Like I'd be nervous but like I don't know man Um I like everything works out for me I'm a beast in that regard Sam Rice texted me It was like his His wife Elaine texted him And said nothing bad happens to Jake Hurwitz

Is a good name for a Nickelodeon show And my novel Because the next night We got in trouble with the police yet again Yeah We were trespassing Blasting music On a bridge on a reservoir

Having a dance party Me and Amir and our two friends just Pulled over on a bridge Blasting Santoria They must have thought they pulled over Like four sixteen year olds Hey alright you little kids Scram oh Jesus

You guys are thirty I think I feel bad for you You're already in some kind of jail here Some emotional prison You guys aren't sixteen you're You're old enough to have sixteen year olds Jesus Tell you what we're gonna let you go but if you want to

You can jump off the bridge So if you're looking for a job or a career Can I suggest joining the force It's pretty fun you pull people over You don't give them tickets Yeah you sort of do your deeds in society And it seems like you guys are Just suckling off the teeth of our resources

Not really doing anything with your lives So they did run They took everybody's license there They ran all of our licenses They told us we weren't allowed to trespass They gave me yet another sobriety test And then they came back to the window And they were like here's what this is

Is a written warning A notice of warning And it means nothing There's no record of it so what you can do with this piece of paper Is have it framed or literally shove it up your ass It is as of right now More meaningless than the actual paper It's printed on

They just told us not to come back and trespass that night So we drove a hundred yards up pulled a U.E. Left yet again blasting Ninety-nine problems I said it would be funny if you just like drove A little wall after that Right off the bridge Good night America

We'll see how smart you are when the canine cuffs Got ninety-nine problems And then as a Post script to that whole story Streeter got three tickets from the Woodstock police The very next day for not doing anything wrong He was like waiting at a McDonald's He was like yeah he was waiting at a curb

At a McDonald's to pick up friends At a Woodstock comedy show for free To raise money for like charity And Streeter got three tickets Did nothing wrong Nothing bad ever happens to Jake Hurwitz And everything bad happens to Streeter's side Out

Those are the two shows that are on Nicket Night All right Good story Should we try to squeeze one more question in The moral of the story here though is do not drive drunk And don't break the law You have to understand only I get away with it Yeah yeah unless you're Jake

Don't pull that shit We should say that you weren't very drunk You had one drink over the course of many hours Right right I don't drive drunk And you passed two sobriety tests Yeah you don't drive drunk kids And if you're gonna drive drunk be me Yeah

Actually I'd like to test out my theory tonight I'm gonna kick it up to two glasses of champagne Champagne here we go All right real quick last question Ready? Yeah let's do it This one comes from Drive just clear my throat And here we go let's do it

Jesus man I'm not gonna be able to use that You peek Sorry about that Hey dudes love the show So oh wait this one comes from William Shakespeare The man himself

Holy shit the author himself The creator All right now I know for a fact it's Pocahontas So I've been going to this restaurant bar called Twin Peaks It's very similar to Hooters But the girls wear even skimpier outfits I've noticed that there are

Some guys who have multiple waitresses That always come up to them and sit next to them And talk and flirt with them I really want to have the same kind of interaction with these waitresses It's not like these guys are really good looking or anything So I'm not really sure why these girls seem to flock to these guys At first I assumed that maybe The guy was a friend of one of the waitresses

But it's not like they always go to the same guy either I'm not looking to hook up with them Since I'm in a serious relationship I just want some harmless flirting I'm kinda shy and the drinks don't seem to be giving me much liquid courage What should I do? This is so sad Yeah

Um This guy is 12 years deep Writing this question from his phone in the bathroom Of Twin Peaks How are the outfits skimpier than Hooters? Hooters is like as close as you can get Before calling it a strip bar legally This probably just is a strip bar

So yeah, the outfits are even skimpier than Hooters If you can imagine They'll bend over and spread their ass cheeks In front of me They'll pick up a wing with their VJ So nowhere along the line did this guy think That maybe these dudes tip the waitresses And maybe the waitresses

At Twin Peaks are flirting with people In skimpy outfits Sitting on laps to get tips By the way, this guy is describing What would be my biggest nightmare Which is going to Hooters and have a waitress flirting with me I would hate that so much I want to be this guy

I want to be this stripper repellent Um Maybe I talked about this story on the podcast But I went to a strip club for the first time Um Jeff Rubin had never been to a strip club I think he's okay with me telling this story Because he did nothing wrong in this

But I was there with Jeff Rubin and Pat And uh They like They felt uncomfortable in a strip club That was like not their home And I'm just like I'm fine there And some lady came over

And she was strippers This is what happens She was just like can I sit on one of your laps And point it to me So what does this guy do To be the guy that people point at Just be confident I don't know

I think You have to go there a lot And start tipping them And then eventually realize They don't have real It's money But you don't have to have a lot Of interest with your tipping

Because this is Twin Peaks after all This isn't Hooters This isn't a classy joint Yeah Have you ever been to a Hooters? I've been to a Hooters once in San Diego We've been to a strip club before together Yeah

But it's not like they were bumping And grinding on me You wouldn't pay someone for a lap dance Yeah, no I would not I've lost Jesus Actually This is a funny story At Spearman Rhino in Vegas

Bouncer cut off my thumb Why? Because I was like I paid $2,000 for a lap dance And I didn't pony up the cash afterwards My card was declined But I had set up the chair Just so they couldn't barge into the room Till I was done

And then they came and I said Good luck getting money out of me I ain't got it And this is like I had a giant gin stain in my jeans And I was like yo I already got off So I'm out and they were just like What is this?

And then it's just like Put my thumb on a coffee table I was like what the fuck are you doing man What the fuck is this? And then chopped it right off Put it in a bag, gave me some ice And they told me which way the hospital was And I was like really it's like that

You ain't even gonna call me an ambulance My phone's dead And then I like fainted on the way to the hospital Turns out the dancer She felt bad for me She followed me out there to see if I was gonna make it She saw that I wasn't She thought that you weren't gonna make it

Yeah she knew I wasn't gonna make it She called 911 from her phone I got the thumb surgically reattached Yeah it all worked out man It did not all work out Yeah then I got a free lap dance That's worth it to you Cut off your thumb and surgically reattach it

For a lap dance I got that health insurance thank you IAC Nothing bad ever Happens to jaker But if it does it all works out That's our time That's our time We are going to

Be at Comic Con It was officially announced Yeah New York City Comic Con It's time to promote it then If you're gonna be at New York City Comic Con You're gonna do a live podcast taping I should say With Pete Holmes Even if you hate us and you listen to

45 minutes of a podcast right now Come for Pete Holmes he's gonna be awesome We're hoping to get as many fans As we can over there so check it out The specific information will be on The New York City Comic Con website And we'll post it on Facebook when we know more And if you can't come to that

Because you don't want to go to Comic Con You can come to our other live podcast taping Which is gonna be November 6th At Littlefield in Brooklyn There are still some tickets still available for that Damn right Thank you so much for listening to this whole Weird show that we just did

And if you want to be a part of it in some Sick fashion you can email us too If I were you show at gmail.com Yes and I'll keep on submitting Theme songs too Oh yes that first one was from Some guy whose name I don't even remember Trenton Eliopoulos

How did we forget His name overdrive is classy I'll never forget his name Overdrive is classy Yes but we can't forget his voice Trust in me Trust in ya And this last

Our outro theme song is another original Submitted by Grant Singer And Jake O'Reilly Thanks guys and thanks for listening If I were you If I were you If I were you I'd walk a mile

In your shoes And I'd have your shoes