If I Were You - 260: Lightning Round

Episode Date: February 27, 2017

In this episode we discuss Hawaii, McDonalds, and how to flirt with a one-armed beauty.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

So this guy's looking at porn while his girlfriend blows up? That's what that Beatles song is about. Close your eyes and I'll picture a girl fucking fixtures. Remember I'll always be true, and then while you blow away, please just look the other way. I'm just watching some porn to get all your simulations just not enough for me. I need pictures and videos you see. That was Tony with a Beatles cover based on an improvised song we made about All My Lovin'. His SoundCloud is acoustic musings.

SoundCloud.com slash acoustic musings. That's smart. I like that. Tony and Kevin, so thanks guys. That was one of my favorites. Kudos and congrats. And congratulations and mazeltov to you and yours. Tell your parents congratulations. Kudos, congrats. Cool. To you. Kids.

And yours. And yours. Absolutely to yours as well. Mostly to yours. Yeah, definitely. So we're in the office right now. Our internet's out. Yes.

When the internet goes down at an internet company, you are- Lose your fucking mind. That being said, we thought it would be fun to do kind of a new format of the show. This is episode 260 at this point. We might as well try to keep things fresh. We might as well change it up once in a blue moon. Once every couple years. What if instead of looking for questions and answering them like we usually do,

why don't we ask people on Twitter for little rapid fire questions, a little lightning round. Correct. A moondo. So we tweeted us your rapid fire questions. So these are questions that you can fit in a tweet. So they're quick and easy. Painless, really. Right. Popcorn style questions.

Yeah, so should we just fucking get into it? Let's run it down, dude. Let's just see what happens. How should I go? Should I go in reverse? There's a lot of tweets right here. Yeah, I was just looking at the top. Why don't we just go, you want to start from the bottom and I'll start from the top?

Okay, and we'll meet in the middle and kiss. Well, what? It's called lady in the tramping. Yeah, but we don't have to kiss. Well, we don't have to kiss. We would just meet in the middle and not kiss. Yeah, I guess, yeah, I guess we could do that. I think we're going to end up Frenching.

I don't know about that. I really think we'll French. I think I know what you wanted to. I don't even want to answer the question. I'm down to just neck. I thought about that recently. Remember in baseball when Trey Parker and Matt Stone French kissed each other? Yeah, to psych someone out.

I thought it was just the end of their conflict was resolved and they made out and it was just a funny, weird throwaway joke. Interesting. Maybe it was to... I don't remember enough to say yes in one way or another. Anyway, but those two writer-creators wrote into a script and it was really funny where they just French kissed each other. Did you know they didn't write that movie?

Oh, really? Yeah, but either way, what would you make out? Would we make out? Would we have the fucking balls or the gall? The galls or the balls? The galls or the balls to make that calls. I think it would have to be... It wouldn't just be a silly...

We wouldn't do it for a head-gum video. Yeah, it wouldn't just be a silly gay joke. I think it would have to be really earned. If we wrote something dark where two girls held us at gunpoint and forced us to... Oh, because girls were like, everybody thought it was so hot for girls to kiss for so long. Like a horror movie? Yeah, or like a really dark comedy. I guess I was also thinking about...

Would you do it for a really small indie movie that not a lot of people were going to see? Or would you want to be doing a big budget where we're making a lot of money? This is a real opportunity. I think I would only do it if we came up with the premise. I don't think I would do it for somebody else's movie. Oh, okay. For a Subaru commercial you would have to sell out. Yeah, for a branded content deal.

We're like, we're on the road because of some company and then they also want us to make out for a... We kissed on the lips for like a college humor. Anyway, this is getting off the topic. That was my Twitter question. Would you ever French me for cash? How much cash and would it have to be creatively fulfilling? All right, here we go. Question from the bottom.

I'm a graduate... Oh, Zeggy, young Zeggy writes Zeggy. I'm a graduate student and I haven't done much work in the last two days. Should I go to my department's happy hour now anyway? Hmm. Graduate student who hasn't done work, should he go to a happy hour? Sure. Yeah, I feel like he should just go to a happy hour because odds are he's not going to work anyway.

The worst thing is to skip a plan to do work and then not do work at home. Yeah. You might as well just... And if you're not going to do the work then you might as well have like all of your peers and elders like you on a personal level. That way they'll forgive your shitty work. Yeah. All right, what else we got? Alyssa Rose.

Miss Alyssa Rose on Twitter writes, will you guys ever have a show in Florida? Tampa, maybe? Oh. We should do a show in Florida. One place we're going to is Atlanta. Which is pretty close. So we've never done a show in Georgia. You've never been to Georgia. I've been to the Atlanta airport, which I won't count.

There's three states that I've never been to. Okay. Or no, wait, four. Okay. Alaska. Uh-huh. Idaho. Right.

North Dakota. Mm-hmm. And Georgia. And you're not counting airport layovers. Yeah. Not counting... If I count airport layovers then I've been to Alaska. Alaska.

No. If I'm counting airport then I have been to Georgia. So a lot of people have asked us to come to Atlanta and we're going for the first time on May 1st. Yeah. I think it's the start of our East Coast trip. That'll be fun. Which we haven't announced on this podcast yet.

We haven't? I thought we did. I think we vaguely mentioned it. But tickets are available now. They just got released on sale this week. It's a five day, five show, and five night. Back to back to back to back to back. That's that old school shit.

That's going to hurt us. Yeah. It starts in Atlanta. We're getting there. Hot Friday night. It's a Monday night. It's a Monday through Friday too. It's like a work week.

Yeah. So Monday night in Atlanta, May 1st. It's popping off. It's very structured organized. And I like that it's the first through the fifth. Yeah. And it's south to north. It's very organized.

I like that we're going to do Cinco de Mayo in New York City. Mayo. River Yolk. Uno de Mayo. First show. First night. Monday night Atlanta. We're going to get there a couple of days early just so we can see and enjoy Atlanta.

Yeah. May 2nd. So we can start the tour nice and tired and hungover. May 2nd. We fly to Raleigh. Raleigh. Raleigh. North Carolina.

Our first show there? Oh, we did a show at Duke. We did a, yeah, at Duke, but I don't know if it was like open to non-students. Right. And like, we've not done. Yeah. Our first legit live podcast in North Carolina. May 3rd, back to DC, which is always a great show.

Love DC. May 4th, Philadelphia. Another great place. Yeah. Always like Philly too. At Helium. And then May 5th, Friday night, the final show of our tour. I hope we take it a little bit easy so we can save something for the last show.

May 5th in New York and Brooklyn. Back in Brooklyn, baby. And those tickets are going fast. These are not big shows. They're all like between two, and I think 300 seats. Oh, shit. So tickets available to all those shows now at ifirishow.com or jaconamere.com, wherever tickets are sold.

All right. The question was, are we going to Florida? No. Yeah. But Atlanta is as close as it gets. Where's Tampa? I think it's in the southern part of Florida. So could we go to Miami?

What's the biggest? I mean, I don't want to go right now. Yeah. It'd be cool to do a live show in Miami. Or we could do three shows in Florida, like Orlando, Miami, Tampa. Oh. A little Florida leg. But do we have enough fans in Orlando?

Let's find out. All right. Orlando, if you were a pizza, what toppings would you have on you, says A-X-C-H-E-C-H, AXECH. If we were a pizza? Yeah. And don't just say your favorite toppings. Oh, like what kind of topping would I be?

No. If you were a pizza, what toppings would you have on you? Not what toppings you would be. If this question is too much for you, I'm going to dig into it until I figure it out. So I am a pizza. And what, like, I see. I got it. No, I don't understand.

I get it. Bacon. Deep dish. I mean, why wouldn't it just be my favorite toppings for a pizza? Because then you'd have bacon on you. Are you fine with that? I think I would be a bacon mushroom pizza. Bacon mushroom?

Yeah. That's your favorite pizza? I'm not sure I've ever really, I mean, my favorite pizza is from Vinny's in Brooklyn, and it's like, I think they called it like, there was lots of different ones. They were so fucking good. I'm like, real weird. They did this pizza that was like, had crushed up Cool Ranch Doritos on it. Are you sure this isn't just a pizza you made when you drunkenly showed up in Vinny's

with a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos? You guys are the best. Like, their pizza is... It's just stoner food, right? Yeah, it's like stoner pizza. They're the ones that invented the pizza box pizza. So it's like, the box is a pizza, and then you open it up and there's pizza. And there's a box inside of it.

I'll go mashed potato pizza, because my hair kind of resembles brown mashed potatoes. Interesting theory. I dig it. But I don't dug it. What do you got? I guess I still... I took you to mashed potato pizza for the first time. Yeah, Bar, New Haven.

Love that. All right. What else? What other question? Why have you been using... This one comes from Richard Vuong. Vuong? Rich Vuong writes, why have you been using I'm Rose McIver's sweet New Zealand accent

for over a hundred eps without having her back on? We should have Rose back on the show. She's a busy lady, and she shoots full seasons of TV shows in a different country than us. But I think she's back in LA, so we should have her back on the show. Yes. Here's a good question. Good call. I'm in Honolulu right now, writes Sweeney N.

I'm in Honolulu right now. What was your favorite thing to do when you were here? I'm going to do it, whatever it is. Wow. Would you say tropics? So it's funny to tell this story a little bit. Yeah, you're right. First night, we arrive Thursday night.

We don't know what's cool to do in Honolulu, so we find a good restaurant, eat there, try to befriend a waitress who is very cool and friendly. She tells us that there's not much going on in that area on a Thursday, but we can try hanging out near our hotel. Yeah, which was in Honolulu. We get an Uber back to the hotel. The driver is, how would you describe him? Seemingly some sort of ex-party boy.

Yeah, he seemed like a Josh Rubin character. Yeah, he was a party guy that was militant about it. We were like, what should we do tonight? He was like, it's Thursday. He gave us a full itinerary for the whole weekend. Thursday, Thursday, you want to go here, and then we're like, where do you go? He's like, oh, I don't party anymore. I just drive.

Yeah, okay. His car was sort of like, he called it the party mobile. Oh yeah, yeah, there was like glow sticks everywhere and like a lay. Yeah. It was like his car was built for people who were like rolling their face off. Right. And he also, I mean, But we had just had a night dinner.

At a certain point, he like started telling me to write all the bars that he was saying down. It wasn't just like a casual like, oh yeah, check out this spot in this spot. Those are good. He's like, no, you want to start here at five. Yeah. Or you guys like, do you guys like beer? What are you looking for? Girls.

Right. Dancing, party, whatever. So he takes this, because since it's Thursday, there's only one bar to go to. And that's tropics. Oh, that is tropics. You want to go to tropics on a Thursday. So you guys don't mind college girls? Like that's a, okay.

But even in my head, I was like, that's actually a little young. And then we get there. We got there too early, not too early, but earlier than the crowd. Right. Which is when we like to get to places anyway, avoid the line. You get a layer of the land. You get a good spot at the bar. So we get there.

It's 930 by 1030. Nobody knows what time you showed up. Like showing up fashionably late is like, I guess you get to make an entrance. But like at a certain point, everybody's there. Right. You might as well have gotten a head start. You've established yourself. And I like to, I like to be in the center and have the party grow around me, because

I don't have the energy to penetrate a dense crowd. Oh, I see. If I'm sober and there's a dense crowd, I'm not fucking like a sperm entering an egg, trying to figure out, navigate, push people aside. Cause I'm sober. I'm not having a good time. They're the drunk ones that got there early. They're having a great time.

They don't mind the crowd. I like, I mean, I like it both, but it's nice to get up, to set up early and to like. Post up. Yeah. Totally. So we got there early to post up. We got to tropics. And it is indeed, I think.

It was not college girls. I was the oldest person there by maybe 13 years. Yeah. I mean, it was not like a college kid. It was a fake ID party. Yeah. It was an 18 to 21 year old place. I, and I'm a 34 year old.

I was drinking, hanging out, doing whatever it's sort of wallflower gazing, enjoying the scenery. Right. Uh, we meet three dudes that changed not only our weekend, but our lives at large. Uh, three dudes come up to us. Um, they had seen our videos before. They're cool dudes. Um, Sean.

Sean. Slay J. Slay J. Miguel. These are the three, uh, Honolulu shepherds that sort of took us in. They started to talk to us about what we're doing there. We asked them what they're doing there. You know, it's funny.

Like we like really like these dudes right off the bat and we were like, um, all right, let's like, let's take one, you know, this, we're not going to rage tonight, but like, maybe we'll hang out with them after the show and like show us a good time. Right. Let's take one lap and we took one final lap around the bar and we got back and they were gone. Yeah. We wanted to find them to like, cause we like actually did want to hang out with them.

Right. But then part of me was like, maybe they thought that I was, that like, they were just like being polite and like, they don't want to hang out with us or they think that we don't want to give them our number or something. So after, at a certain point, we were actively seeking that. We're searching the bar for the guys. Where's Sean? Sean was here and he approached us earlier and I can't find him out of my way 19 year

old. Excuse me. Excuse me. Hot 21 year old. Have you seen a tall man in a baseball hat is 29 and like you would be really attracted to him. I think you should meet actually. So we're talking to Sean and he's like, yeah, they all work at the Honolulu hospital, various

degrees of psychologists, nurse, um, medical care professionals. Sure. Yes. And they're a upper 20s, maybe 30 years old too, 28 or 29. Sean's like, yeah, there's a bunch of cool places to go on a hike. Maybe we'll go on a hike tomorrow. Great. We're in.

Uh, we wake up the next morning, Sean texts us. They're going on a hike. We're going on a hike with them. The romantic vacation begins. That was a whirlwind. Sean picked us up. Sean swept us off our feet. Sean picks us up.

He takes us on an awesome hike, which is my recommendation to what to do in Honolulu. Do you remember the name of the hike? I believe it was, uh, Kala, Pali, Pika, Piku, Pali, Piku. Pali, Pali, Piku, Pali, Piku, or Piku, Pali. Uh, it's a hike up the ridge of a mountain. We, I didn't realize that. That goes in Honolulu right now and this episode is not going to come out until Monday, so you should tweet at her at a hike, Pali, Piku, Piku.

All right. And this is just. But tell her to be careful because there are, like, sheer fucking cliffs, and it had just rained. So like it's basically walking on a one foot wide little muddy trail where to the left is a thick forest until your right is a 500 foot cliff. It's Pali, Pali, Puka, Pali, Puka. All right.

You get to the top, amazing views. There's a hole through a rock. You can take nice pictures next to it. It's funny that it's all about, like, finding the rock. Yeah. It's like the, the views are so much better when you're not looking at it through the hole. Yeah.

You might as well just enjoy the regular views and not have to get to the hole in the rock. But it's a great time anyway. We had a great time with Sean and AJ. They invite us out that night. We meet up with more of their friends. We spend Saturday. No, this was Friday night after the show together. Just dancing, aging, partying with Sean and friends.

Sunday comes along. We want to go to a beach. We haven't been to a beach yet. Again, Sean picks us up. This is our third day together now with Sean. We had a tryst. We had a honeymoon with a group of other dudes. We met dudes that we, and it is funny.

We don't ever go on trips, like, actively try to meet guys, but maybe it's something we should do. Yeah. I think it helped that it wasn't just, like, one night where, like, you rage and you can sort of, like, have people to have fun with, but we had a whole weekend and we had, like, a tour guide. Yeah. He shepherded us.

And then Saturday after the beach, we went to a Steve Aoki concert with them. By the way, that beach was incredible. Yeah. It was incredibly secluded. It was almost, like, three of us and maybe, like, five other people on a huge beach. Yeah. Sean didn't fucking fuck around. And we got tacos beforehand and brought it to the beach.

And then we drove that nice scenic way back and we blasted Natasha Bedingfield's Unwritten. Unwritten, yeah. That was a good old time. That was our song. And then we went to the Steve Aoki concert that night and we said goodbye to Sean, but I don't think forever. And that night we also met Will and Devesh. Shout out to Will and Devesh.

I mean, it was a whole crew of good dudes. So between Will, Devesh, Sean, Slayjay, and Miguel, we sort of made five friends for life. And that was our Honolulu weekend. Sean, also the show was fine. Sean, if you're listening to this, and I know you're not, because you're just, like, You're on a hiker reading some awesome book by yourself on a beach. What up, dude?

Call me back. Oh, wait. Now it's your turn. Your turn to question. Okay. How do you tell your roommate to stop using your toothpaste? Straight up. I?

Another thing about Sean, he would never be this petty. No way. Sean's sort of the man in that regard. Why don't you just buy your own toothpaste? It's a $3 problem. Well, he finished the toothpaste. He has his own toothpaste and his roommate's using it. Okay.

So give your roommate that tube and then buy another tube. And yours is just, like, in a difference. I mean, I think you just, the trick is to stop caring that your roommate's using your toothpaste. Yeah. Do you get that go? What's exciting is, like, after squeezing, yeah, Sean, honestly, because he's not only like handsome, but he's also like kind of an outdoorsy, carefree kind of guy.

Yeah. The dude works hard, plays hard, parties hard, lives like, lives a beautiful life. Yeah. He has like a minivan in Honolulu. I wonder what he's not good at, because he also had like a good sense of humor, too. Yeah. Yeah. That was the other thing.

And he seems smart. And that's usually like one of the things that I like to have a leg up on people. And when I don't have that, and then they also have everything else, he had a really great outlook on life. Yeah. He was just a positive, nice dude. From Minnesota. He's just like, yeah, it was like really cold one in winter, and I was like, fuck this.

I'm going to go to Honolulu. Yeah. And now, yeah. And now he's just fucking living the life out there in tropical paradise. Why do you have to leave? You don't. He got a job there. And he's got a solid crew.

And he's got a solid crew. Yeah. Oh, man. I mean, dude, Will. Yeah. I had such a fucking man crush on Will by the end of that night, because he was like the ER psychiatrist, like at the hospital dealing with fucking crazy people. Like 15 hour shifts.

And we were going into that concert. Some homeless dude asked us to light his cigarette, and I lit it, and then we're trying to find the entrance. And I turned back and Will was just crouched down talking to him. Yeah. Like, you fucking hero. He kind of had a Billy vibe. I feel like Billy would get along with them.

Oh, yeah. Just like strong, nice dudes. Uh-huh. Guys, they're so cool that they don't have to be nice. But they are anyway. You're hot enough to be mean. You get that, right? Yeah.

I like strong, cool people that are like as nice as quiet nerds. Yeah. It's almost like they grew up as quiet nerds, or maybe- Just had good parents. Good parents are like, I think older sisters help a lot. They make people more sensitive than good people. That makes a lot of sense. The toothpaste thing, I really think-

This guy clearly doesn't have any older sisters. I mean, WW Sean do. He would probably- You get a little travel toothpaste and keep it in your room if you really want to get there. I was saying, getting new toothpaste after using the same tube for a while is very cathartic. It feels great. Like, oh, I barely have to squeeze it and it's just pouring out.

It feels like- The whole thing is very clean. Maybe it's more about cloneliness than the actual, I wouldn't care if you used my toothpaste, but I'd care if you left the cap off and made and got crust all around. Yeah, the crust. Maybe you'd just be like, hey, no problem, you're using my toothpaste, put the cap back on. Totally.

Motherfucker. All right, let's take a break. Come back. Talk more about Sean. We'll be right back after this break. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation talking to a professional

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extra affordable. BetterHelpHELP.com slash if I were you. Check him out. Thanks, BetterHelp. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show, wow. For years and years and years, we've been ranting and raving about Squarespace because it's the best way for dummies like me and potentially you that don't necessarily know how to code or design to create a professional looking website.

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Let's use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you, Squarespace. We have returned tickets to our Melbourne show Melbourne Melbourne show dude, almost sold out. Are they? Yeah. It's the Melbourne show is a little smaller than the Sydney show. So those tickets are going fast.

We're coming venue this year, right? Yes. Different venue. Sydney, it's the same one Melbourne is a new one. We're coming in three weeks. I know it's not quite March yet, but it's almost March and we're coming on March 16th and 18th. Only two shows this time.

Streeter will be there. Those are going to be extremely fun. Can I ask a question to our Australia specifically Sydney fans? So we're, we have an entire week to hang out in Australia post show. Yeah. From Saturday to Friday. Yeah. The show's on Saturday.

Saturday to Saturday. Yeah. The show's on Saturday. We leave the next Saturday. Yeah. We just want to find like a nice two to three day excursion that we can go on from Monday to Wednesday. So here's how I think you can describe it.

What's the American equivalent of what you want? If someone was coming to LA and said, I have three days off, you tell them to do what? What do you, what is your preference? Right. If they're, I mean, if they're in LA and they've got three days, I guess I would say go to San Francisco or Vegas or maybe Palm Springs, but probably not even that part. I think. So you don't want the Palm Springs, the Joshua tree of Australia?

I guess I, I mean, I guess I sort of in a way do. Do you want the city of, do you want like another city or do you want a middle of nowhere small town vibe? I want, I really want both, I'm sorry to say it. I want something like San Francisco where you can go to like a national forest or like, you know, like the Point Reyes seashore, like an hour outside of that, but then also like come back and, and, and like stay in a city and meet new people and do that kind of thing. Right.

So a little bit of, or like the Vegas Red Rocks deal, outdoor fun, but also indoor fun. Yeah, exactly. Right. So Vegas, you have like the raging of Vegas, but then also you have Red Rocks national conservation area where you can do some hiking, some climbing, some sightseeing. So perhaps the Gold Coast. That's the one thing that I had found, but I didn't know if that was like, is that like the equivalent of somebody coming to New York City and being like, I'm going to go to Atlantic

City? Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. So let us know. Tweeted us. And then two days before our Australia trip, we're doing the Head Gum Live at, in Austin. And that's going to be a full day.

Yeah, actually that's one of the, that's a question that I just got on Twitter. You guys doing South by Southwest this year. Yeah. We're just going to go to officially to South by or have a South by Pass. We're just going to be in Austin during South by Southwest, but that's how we plan that shit. Anybody can come to the show, take a road trip from Dallas, San Antonio, Houston, wherever the frick, we're going to be there all day starting at one and going off until...

Come hang out at the Head Gum Podcast Festival. Late night. We're going to be hanging out. It's more of a festival feel than a show. Yeah. We're going to be there all day and a bunch of other podcasters are going to, the Twin of Ashen guys are going to be there. Black Man, Ken Jump is going to be there.

Gabriel. Yeah. So we'll see you guys in Austin and or Australia. All right. What other questions we got? Will you ever come to South Africa? I guess we're talking too much about shows. We are, we can't come to South Africa.

Come on. Yeah. That's a little too far. I don't know what to tell you. I'd love to. I would love to do that. Here's a, let's go. I got, wow.

Three food questions in a row. We should answer all three. If we're going a lightning round within this lightning round episode. Okay. One, best lunch spot in Southern California. Two, most underrated fruit. Three, do you prefer spaghetti or fettuccine Alfredo? Hmm.

Okay. Spaghetti. Yeah. I agree with that one. I don't need a creamy pasta. Most underrated fruit. Blackberries? Yeah.

People don't really talk about blackberries. I love blackberries. I used to have a little blackberry shrub by my house growing up. I'll go pear. Nobody really talks about a pear, but that's because they ain't shit. It's a nice soft apple. It's rated perfectly. Perfectly.

Don't nobody like a pear. I want a pear. I don't think so, bitch. Have you ever had an apple and you're like, not mealy enough? You want a pear. And the shape is too perfect. Can I get one that's hard to hold onto? Nice.

And I don't want to say pear-shaped because that doesn't help you. That's like a negative connotation when you talk about a human. Like, that person's sort of pear-shaped. You know what shape do you want? Apple-bottom jeans. Motherfucker. Boots like Darfur. I guess the hottest fruit would be grapes because it looks like it's buff.

Just got a huge stack at the top. Those are its buff shoulders, little bumpy muscles. You're talking about the whole entire thing. Well then you can say blackberry for being buff because that's got lots of pockets that looks like muscles. What about banana? That's a great shape. I'm not fucking a banana.

That's literally like the shape of a dick. I will eat out a grape. I swear I'll eat a fucking kiwi's pussy. Because the grape's pussy. You're taking it too literally, I think. Got it. Best lunch spot in Southern California. Ooh, lunch spot.

That's tough. Zinc? You hate zinc. I do hate zinc. I'll give a good one just because you're in SoCal, that outdoor taco truck, not truck, outdoor taco fish taco place in Silverwick. Is it 7L7MARES? Yeah, L7MARES.

It's so good I don't even know the name. I don't think it's that good actually. I like the outdoor fish taco vibe, the fact that you can have it basically right today, February 24th, 70 degrees out, you're eating fish tacos outside. That's definitely nice. I guess I'll say, I don't know, it's tough because I feel like I go to lunch spots out of convenience. I don't ever travel somewhere awesome for lunch.

What are your thoughts on in and out? That's a decent idea. I'll just say that breakfast or that sandwich spot, lunch sandwiches, tinfoil in Highland Park. You walk in through an old liquor store called the Coldest Beer in Town. You have to give the guy a password, which I believe is not always the same. How do you find out the password? There's a business card on the counter where you pay for your beer.

Of course. You just walk in and ask what the deal is because I think everybody there is trying to get to tinfoil. It's like a speakeasy lunch spot and their sandwiches are fucking dope. One last food question that we got that makes me think of stuff is from Robin Galashan. What do you order in McDonald's? I suppose you want to tell the story that embarrasses me. I guess if we're already here and talking about it.

Two nights in a row, was it? Yes. Two late nights. We ended up at McDonald's across the street from our hotel. Because it was late night and I was 30. You ordered a regular- Right number, uno. I got a crispy chicken sandwich, large fry, and a bacon egg and cheese biscuit.

It seemed funny to me. We rarely see someone getting a dinner sandwich and a breakfast sandwich in one meal. What was your thought process there? That I was really hungry and I couldn't decide between the chicken sandwich and the breakfast sandwich and then I was like, well, they're both $2. So I don't have to decide. I'll just get them both and I'll enjoy each one. I know it seems like-

And I did at the same damn time. Much like the Jacob and Amir character, I still, I think, only eat chicken nuggets for McDonald's. You like the hashbrowns? I don't like the sandwich. Oh yeah, I love the hashbrowns. I thought it was really- The day after I had eaten all that McDonald's at night, I came out to meet you in the morning

and you had McDonald's hashbrown. Yeah, I had a single hashbrown. It's good. It's like eating a giant french fry. I try not to go to McDonald's unless I'm drunk. I don't even like to go when I'm hungover. Interesting. Yeah.

Either way, I appreciate the hashbrown. What did you get? Well, what else you got? Question-wise. Best social media bio you remember? Wow. I'm trying to think of any I remember. I don't know.

Oh, my Twitter bio actually sucks. It's kind of funny. Mine is chill dude, which was what it was when we made the video about it eight years ago. That's a good one. I mean, mine just says, I'm a comedy writer who loves Annie's macaroni and cheese, which is accurate. Yeah, but not funny. Sean Perlman, my friend who's really funny, has a funny one.

If you want to follow Sean Perlman at Twitter, great jokes. His bio is, I won't waste a potential tweet here. That's not bad. You know, my Instagram bio, I'll say it, I think it's really great. What is it? Oh, enthusiast. Enthusiast. Somebody tweeted at me recently that some, I forget this dude's name, the guy from Westworld,

jacked it. Really? I don't know who had it first. I mean, I don't think it's like super original, but I ... Yeah, it's definitely, it could be a thing that other people ... Parallel thinking, yeah. But that said, I think I came up with it first. How's that?

At the very least, you didn't steal it from anything. I remember you had a college humor bio that I used to really like. What was it? I'm so good at Photoshop, I make Mother Teresa look like Joseph Stalin. Oh, that is good. Shit, I should tweet that. I'm going to tweet that today. I would get a lot of play.

What's your Instagram bio? I think usually just like tickets to our show and link below. It's very, very commercial. I love seeing like an old Lincoln bio. If I were you live tickets now at jaconamere.com. That's your bio? Yeah. You can have like a bio and that link.

Yeah, but I want the bio is right above the link, so it's almost like text pointing ... I'd have the finger pointing down to the link. I see. I sold out. All right, here's a question. Oh, gosh, I'm trying to think of ... Get a good one. What's a good third date idea? I got one.

A third date? Yeah. Okay. It's a flask walk. A flask walk. Oh, yeah. Meaning you're getting drunk and walking around. That's right.

Where are you walking? I did it once on the High Line in New York, which it was perfect. You get there? You got a flask of whiskey? You take a walk? Yeah. I'm sorry. Self-explanatory.

It's spontaneous. It's romantic. It's cheap. I also had headphones and we sat down drinking whiskey and listening to old dashboard confessional on a bench. Oh. Great date. To me, the third date is the going over date, because the first date is a bar meetup.

Bar meetup first date. Second date is more of an activity, perhaps whatever, movie, bowling, something you're doing together, arcade, bar, etc. And then the third date is, hey, we should watch that movie or TV show that invariably came up on date one or two, and then you invite them to the house. That's way too soon for me. Third date? I don't like to hang out sober for at least a year.

Movie date is mostly date 58 or 91. I've had girls be like, hey, I want to cook you dinner and I never see them again. To me, that is such an intimate thing. I'm like, why don't you come over and we'll watch a movie and I'll get food. Jesus Christ. But why is that any more intimate than walking with a flask? Well, when you're outside, there's a lot of external stimulation. You can like, oh, look at this guy.

Look at this guy. Look at this building. Isn't that pretty? I don't know. There's a lot more to do than like, you're in my house and I don't know when you're going to leave and I have no way out of this too much pressure. But would, in a perfect world, wouldn't potentially the third date end with a sleepover? Yeah, but by that point, we're like drunk and it's late and we have sex and go to bed

and then in the morning, oh, shit, my sister's visiting, I have to run. Oh, shit, my sister's visiting. You have to run. Well, I would, I didn't, I never mind it like leaving somebody alone in my apartment. Nobody ever stayed there that long. As long as we're not watching the movie. Especially when you're like, you can, like, it's, you can just lock the door behind you, take your time.

They're like, no, I'll leave right now too. All right. The two different third date suggestions. What else you got? Oh, yeah, of course. It's my turn. I wonder if people like this one versus the long form questions. I think this will be a good one to use occasionally.

Do you guys intend, oh, this is from DeBurke 321. Do you guys intend to make more head gum exclusive video content, or is it primarily going to be for podcasts? Like the videos we're talking about, or he wants us to make a, put special podcast episodes behind a paywall. I doubt he wants us to put it behind a paywall. What does he, what did he mean, premium content? He didn't say premium.

He said, do you guys intend to make more head gum exclusive video content, or is it primarily going to be for podcasts? I think he's saying like more, this is a head gum video, you know? Our original videos. Yeah. Are we making more of those? Yeah, we're making more. One a week.

Well, that's not more. That's the same amount. More amount, same rate. Oh, I see. The answer is yes. The, yeah, the answer is yes. And if people haven't watched it, you can go, where can they watch it on? YouTube.com slash head gum, or Facebook.com slash head gum.

We have weekly videos. Check them out. I think you guys will like them. Let's see here. James Dawson. Let me, let me read this one. I'm going to uni, but I can't bring everything. What should I prioritize?

Uni. Like to bring to the, to the room. Oh, that's an interesting question. Just real quick. What color is the number four that comes from zero mark 30? Oh, interesting. What color is the number four? I see green.

Oh, interesting. All right. Back to the other one. James Dawson asks, I'm going to uni, but I can't bring everything. What should I prioritize? You know what a good thing, like something we should do is like this every Thursday. Oh, like a bonus Twitter lightning round Thursday. Yeah.

Either like a podcast that we release right after, or maybe we do like a Facebook live one of this. Right. I don't know. Just let us know. Bring, I guess a microwave that comes in handy, television, those are like the two things that you bring, right? You call which one of you brings the microwave, which one of you brings the TV?

I thought microwaves weren't allowed. No, because they're all, it was like the, the whole cup of noodle ramen. Right. Stereotype. Oh, maybe it was no hot plates. Yeah. You can't have anything close to resembling fire. It's hard to make a fire with a microwave.

Got it. All right. Microwave and TV. Oh, we're almost at, we almost met in the middle because I'm seeing some of the questions that you asked at the top. Really? One of your favorite cities to go to for a live show says, oh, hi, Clary. We've been pretty fortunate because our show only appeals to people who live in cities that

we want to go to. Well, except for people that live in South Africa, Tampa. Yeah. I mean, there's going to be, I do want to go to South Africa, so that's not totally fair. Right. I mean, it's hard to beat New York because it's like the home show. The home show.

Right. The East Coast shows are fun. They're also uniquely fun. The Pacific Northwest shows are fun. The East Coast shows are fun. I'm excited to see Atlanta. Austin is great. Australia is awesome.

We rarely go to a shitty city. Yeah. Dare we call out a bad show? I probably is too rude, right? Well, that show that we did on Long Island wasn't great. Yeah. Some like. Was that at Ramapo or something?

No. The Ramapo show, I don't really remember. The Ramachow? Yeah. But I remember like the Fat Daryl. I remember going to that show, but I don't remember the crowd. Right. You got anything else?

Last minute? I guess I like Seattle and Portland a lot. Those are always fun shows. Yeah. All right. Let's go. One last question from each of us. Okay.

My married friend is having an affair with a coworker. Is it okay to go bowling with them? Oh, married friend having an affair with a coworker and you want to be the third wheel on their date. Yeah. Like they want to go on a double date with you. You, your lady, your friend, the mistress. Is it okay or is it like an implicit agreement?

Yeah. It's a tacit endorsement of their adultery. Would you do it? Think about one of your friends cheating on one of his long-term ladies and they're like, yeah, let's all go bowling together. Would you be like, okay, fine. Or would you be like, yeah, I feel kind of weird about that. I guess if it was like, imagine if it's Mike and Sarah.

Those are two, Mike's one of my best friends and so is Sarah. So I don't think I could in good conscience go bowling with Mike and somebody else because I'd be like, this is too fucked up. But if it's a friend where you don't know the lady. Right. If it's, who's a, if it's like, it's like if Sean had a girlfriend and you wanted to go bowling with us and the mistress. And maybe I'd met her, but I wasn't like friends with her.

And Sean was like, come bowling with me and my mistress. I think I'd, I mean, I guess it's sort of weird to just go on a date, like your friend's date anyway. Yeah. But what if you also had a date? Double date. Hmm. I think I would definitely go bowling with Sean.

I bet he's really good at it too. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I would go bowling. I would do anything with Sean. Yeah.

You have to realize that this is Sean we're talking about. All right. Do you have a last question? Oh, I, you know, before you were talking about Sean Perlman's Twitter, I wonder if people thought it was Sean from Hawaii. Oh, yeah. I know. Two different people.

Uh, because I thought you were talking about Sean Perlman's wife just now. Oh, I see. The Sean we know would never, ever cheat on his wife. I guess neither would Cornell. Uh, my last question. Take your time. Oh, yeah. It's important to, podcasts are not just about the talking, but the silence in between.

What is your opinion on male nipples? Excuse? Andy. Clipper is 89. What is your opinion on male nipples? I don't really have an opinion. I'm anti. Oh, you're against.

Uh-huh. You're against the nip. And if you don't have an opinion, then you're four. What? Yeah. Your four and the color of four is blue. So you were a blue four. And before you get too heated about this whole thing.

Very nice. Thank you. Uh, do we end with a nipple question? There's got to be something better. I didn't see anything, brother. Uh, here we go. Cute girl in class with one arm. How do I hit on her without her thinking?

I'm only hitting on her for the weird one arm sex. Um, I don't think she'll think of it like that. Do you bring up the arm? No. Never. No. Never? No.

But then doesn't it then become like, oh, you're obviously not addressing the arm? Isn't there like a cool, I don't care, I'm talking about your arm just like it is. You would talk about it. I think it's fine to talk about the arm, but I think let her bring it up on her terms when she wants to. Okay. I, I- You don't bring up the arm, but if she talks about it, you're powering through. Yeah.

Like it's an NBD. I once dated somebody that was like, uh, a lot taller than me. Or like a little taller than me. She was seven foot four. Yeah. And it was yelling at a wig. And I never said anything. And she, and at one, and one time she was like, something I really liked about you is that you didn't, you like never ever brought it up.

Yeah. And what would you say, height is a little more subtle than no arm? Well, sure. But I think that it's, if it's like some, it's, it's some physical thing that like- That she gets all the time, it's better not to mention it at all. Yeah. I don't, I like, it's not original for you to be like, hey, you have one arm, but I don't care. Right.

Like, why don't you actually not care? Yeah. Or not say anything. Or you could be like, here, let me give you a hand. Oh my God. I'm so sorry. I didn't realize it. Or something like that.

That would be a really bad way to hook up with her. I agree. Uh, that's it? The end? Yeah. Uh, okay. Uh, let us know what you thought about this wacky, wacky episode in which our internet didn't work. And if you liked it a lot, uh, we'll give out the address to our office.

And you can turn off the internet whenever you want to hear another one. Uh, one of these Twitter rapid fire episodes. Uh, we only, I only downloaded that all my love and cover, uh, before the internet went out. Fortunately, I like it so much. Let's hear it twice. Hello. Uh, thanks to who wrote it again? Tony and Kevin, uh, Acoustic Musings.

We'll be back soon enough with more questions and answers. Thanks for listening, everybody. Cheerio and ciao. Peace. So this guy's looking at porn while his girlfriend blows up. That's what that Beatles song is about. Close your eyes and I'll picture a girl fucking fixtures. Close your eyes and I'll picture a girl fucking fixtures.

Remember, I'll always be true. And then while you blow away, please just look the other way. I'm just watching some porn to get off. Your simulation's just not enough for me. I need pictures and videos you see.