If I Were You - 262: Passwords (w/Eliot Glazer!)

Episode Date: March 9, 2017

Comedian and Friend Eliot Glazer joins us to discuss bad songs and good ideas for this BONUS Thursday Episode!Live shows in Austin and Australia this week! Come see us.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. Ba ba ba ba ba bonus. Ba ba ba ba ba bonus. This episode is brought to you by Funeral Home. Oh god. You made me sing. You made me feel joyous and now sad. We wanted to do a bonus Thursday episode because it's been a while and also have it sponsored by our live shows that we have coming up this weekend.

And next week. And wait, in Texas? Yeah, so this weekend, if you're listening on a Thursday or Friday or maybe Saturday morning, there's still time for you to come to Austin for the headgum live podcast festival. Yeah, Texas is a big state, but I really believe you can drive all the way across it and meet us at the north door. I love that. Road trip out. We're all the way to the middle of it. Hang out with us. Tell a friend we're going to be in Austin, not only our show, but so many other headgum podcasts. We're going to be in the room together. I think we're all going to be in the, these specific shows

are going to be in the room together for the first time ever. Yeah, that's true. I've not met Lindsay and Bobby from Who Weekly. And I have not met them either, actually. So it's going to be fun. And I haven't seen Jeff and Mikey in a minute. That's true too. We're going to be performing with Black Men Who Can't Jump. Twinnovations are going to be performing with High and Mighty. Who Weekly with This Is Why You're Single. Everything will be there. And they have a special guest. Oh yeah, Dan Deacon. Hell yeah. It's going to be a party. And then the following week, we are in Australia, Sydney and Melbourne. Yep, but Melbourne first.

Oh yeah, the 16th. And then Saturday night in Sydney. What are you looking forward to the most? Probably. And not about the tour. Like, shit, you know, like in general, like life shit. I mean, maybe finally like settling down and starting a family. Neat. You're talking. That's actually really heavy, man. And what are you, sorry, just real quick. What do you think is stopping you from being the best you, the you that you look forward to every day? Why aren't you doing that now? I mean, without trying to delve too into it just because we're talking about the live shows.

We're going to be on the road. Maybe I'm worried that the person out there is not quote unquote perfect and I'll have to settle eventually in figuring out the age in which I start figuring out what priorities I have in a life partner and what I'm willing to sacrifice. The shows at North Door started one, they go till seven. Would you say, I mean, you're crippling fear? Not yeah, not crippling, but yeah, it's a stress. The fear of future failure is preventing you from taking an initial step and doesn't that

ensure failure? Yes, maybe so. And I don't know maybe some of it is rooted in self-sabotage like I do. Do you think you're worthy? That's what I guess I don't. Just real quick, the show in Melbourne is on the 16th. Sydney on the 18th of March. I don't know, man. I really don't know if I'm fucking worth it. Alright, let's get right into this goofy episode with Glaser in the house. Such a funny guy. Cheers to shaving down your face. Canadian actor,

writer, you've seen him on Broad City. I feel like we're bringing him out for a live show, but we're just going to start a podcast right now. Enjoy this episode and hopefully we'll see you soon. If I was Jake and Amir, that in the rear you wouldn't have to seize one single cheese unless you wanted to. Cause yeah, they know what it's like. If I was Jake and Amir, so sincere I could make your problems go away to the

Colapagos, away for the rest of our lives. If I were you, if I were you, if I were you If I were you Very Hawaiian themed. Yeah, that was almost like a yukes style. Elliot thoughts? Remind me of I never know his full last name and it sounds very racist, but I say Israel, Kalakawaka Ding Dong. Oh yeah, the guy the

the summer. Kalakawaka Ding Dong. Yeah, just get rid of the Ding Dong part. That song so much. Really? Yes, I hate that. I hate that it's a mashup. I hate that it's like, I hate it. That was a big song. I found that song in college and I was like, I discovered. Oh my god, yeah. I discovered Israel, Kalakawaka Ding Dong. I guess when you turn 18, you hear them talk for the first time and you think you're amazing. Oh yeah. Oh, that's such a college thing being like, oh my god

and like, forget it. It's just me and it's just dashboard and he gets it. I'm going to bring you a CD. You didn't even like it at the time? I find, I just, something about that song like creeps me out. It's just like, it has an eerie vibe to it and I don't like, like you're just like, is this just like a fat guy on a beach? So what is this? So what's an example of Israel's Kalakawaka Ding Dong, he's gone? Oh yeah, you had that party to celebrate it. I did. We had balloons, sumo shaped balloons. Do you have an example of a bad song that you do like, just so I can like, understand

where you're coming from in terms of not liking that song specifically? A bad song that I do like, I have so many. I mean, the one that just randomly popped into my head is one called My Love is Like Woe by Maya. Oh, I think I know that song. I just see Elliot produced it and it's like, I mean, it's not good, but I love it so much. I love it so much. So you're not coming from a place of like, everyone loves the song and I hate it. No, I have I mean, and I have wonderful taste in terrible music. Wow, I think I have that too. You do? I only like bad music, but

I'm pretty discerning about which specific bad music that I like. Yeah, who do you dislike or what do you like? So I really like Taylor Swift and Macklemore. Taylor Swift is not bad by any means. No, yeah, but then at the same time, I dislike Nick Jonas. Jason Moraz. Oh, I really like Jason Moraz. He's okay. Yeah, I don't think those people, I think like bad is like bad is bad. It doesn't mean like popular. It's like music nerds would look down on the artists that I actively see. That's definitely true.

I mean, but I still like Gloria Estefan. I like Gloria Estefan. It's like, okay. You know who I really like now that I'm realizing because I like all of her songs is Sia. Is Sia considered cool? Sia is so cool because she is kind of anti-establishment but also has like used it for personal gain in a financial way and is just the most first of all, she is the coolest person and if you've ever heard an interview with her, especially the one with Howard Stern, she is so fascinating. I just found out she's like 40-something

and the girl in the videos is not her. Oh, yeah. She like grew up with like circus parents or something. There's like plenty of songs that she writes that like Katy Perry sings. Oh, you can hear her songs like Diamonds by Rihanna. You can hear what her sound is like a sort of ethereal type of with a hint of like reggae in them. She's written amazing stuff. Did you ever listen to 07 the band? No. Yes, I did. She was the lead singer. 07? Yeah.

And then she's like, I'm done. I'm just going to do ideas myself. She's like, I'm going to write music for other people. Make a shit ton of money. I mean, she has made so much money. She's so rich and cool. Yes, she's so rich and cool. I think she's from Adelaide. I thought Iggy Azalea was from Adelaide. I guess both of them. It's just hard to believe there are two people from Adelaide that are of note. In 2008 she's from Adelaide. In 2012. I don't remember what year it was. I think it was 2012.

I was waiting in line to vote in New York on election day for Mitt Romney, correct? For Mitt Romney. Good man. Waiting in line to vote for Mitt Romney. Good man. But I was waiting in line and it was in the West Village and I'm waiting on line and it's cold but everyone's out to vote and it's pretty great. But it's New York so the line's really long. And this lady is walking up and down the aisle or walking down the line outside in pretty frigid temperatures collecting or giving people up from a big binder letting them know what zone they're in when they go inside to vote. And I'm like, she looks like

weird. She just looks weird. And she takes off her hood and I'm like oh my god, I recognize that hair. And I was like, I said to her are you Sia? And she was like, yes. And I was like you're Sia. Yes. And you're just help volunteering at a voting? You're in 07. You write hit songs for like Flo Rida and shit. And you're volunteering at the voting booth? Yes. And then I tweeted her and she tweeted me back because I was like you are a volunteer. Like

that's how cool Sia is. Are you sure it wasn't actually just a binder full of women? I mean remember that? Remember that? What was that? No wonder he lost. He actually won. What's that? He won the popular vote as if he won the vote of people that are popular. So like all the cool people in America vote for her. Handsome and pretty people love Mitt Romney. I would take Mitt Romney in a second. If you watch the Mitt Romney documentary now he's like a hero. He's a hero. Compared to like what we're experiencing now.

Are you kidding? I would take Rick Santorum. I really would. Here's a question because I think anybody would just like take trade out would you take Mitt Romney now if you had to start in 2012? So one term of Obama? Yes. Well actually it's hard to say. It's better to have Obama for four than Mitt Romney for eight than Obama for eight and Trump for four. Because fingers crossed brothers. At least Obama's policies from 2012 on were still

great and helpful and understood like the lower class and the minorities. So it's hard to say like if I would go back in time and erase those policies. But honestly to keep Trump out of office I think I would. It'd be a really tough decision. It's like Sophie's choice. She is. And even at this point it's like I honestly would have Rick Santorum over Donald Trump because at the very least it's easier to hate someone who has at least some sort of political understanding of how to behave as a human being. Yeah it's like

the devil movie villain. He's a fat fucking movie villain like a bank totem. I'm honestly starting to feel bad I voted for the guy. He's getting ridiculous. He's the penguin if the penguin is orange. He's like fucking. Is that the Riddler? Yes. But fat. I always tell people like just tweet him that he's fat. Seriously. I actually did that and I got trolled pretty hard for it. You did. I said like he's fat and orange. He's fat, fat, fat. If you just keep telling him he's fat he'll hate it. He is really fat. I don't think he's fat dude. He can't read his

replies right? He can't read anything. Did you see that thing where they did his physical, they weighed him and then like according to whatever, he's morbidly obese. He's not classified as morbidly obese. He must be close to 300 pounds. Yeah. They basically officially made his height 6'3 instead of 6'2 and what that does is for his height he's no longer obese. He's no longer considered obese. What a creep. That's awesome dude. Also I mentioned before Sophie's choice and I just know

that that's like a hard decision but I don't know what Sophie had to choose. Oh she had to choose between her children or seeing one of her. How did it go? I think it was in a concentration camp, a movie about a concentration camp and she had to choose between which child she goes with. She had two kids and it's like you can say one, say the other. God what did she end up doing? She ended up taking the cool kid and she's like I don't know this guy. It was sort of like a drunken person at a club. She's like yeah I don't really know this guy

like if he wants to come in too. Or you can actually save both of them. No, no, no. I really want this one. I choose Corey. And then what's her name dude? Who do you know here? That's her. Who do you know here's what she said. Can you believe that? Where's your bracelet kid? Where's your bracelet? Did you buy a VIP? I also realized we didn't say that guy's name. Yeah that's what I'm going to do. So the guy who wrote the song, it's actually a Weezer cover of a song I've never heard Joe Kim from Germany. There's a new white album, Weezer white album.

Weezer is one of the bands that I did love or do love growing up but I haven't heard any of their new stuff really. Yeah remember like didn't they do a song with the Muppets or something? Oh yeah they did. Break my day, save my day, adjust the thought of you in love with someone else. I got the magic in me. That's kind of a new one. Oh yeah that's a good one. What's the white album? They have a white album? Is it the Weezer white album? No. Maybe this guy's trolling us. It's an original song. It did sound Weezer-ish. Anyway

I think that song was actually like ostensibly bad. Maybe they were like trolling us or was like Beverly Hills where I want to be like it was like that was the green house. Wasn't there like a time when Rivers Cuomo apparently also had a binder like Sia and Romney? For sure. His binder was like the key components to making a popular radio song. Oh wow. He was like very analytical and like Harvard about it. But I guess it worked. Totally went to Harvard right? Yeah. The white album was released April 1st

2016. Wow. Shit that's recent. Should we just stop and listen to the Weezer white album? Full on repeat? I guess. I mean we went as well. Get nude, get high. Hotbox the studio. So Elliott I don't know if you know but this is actually an advice podcast. Yeah we don't usually always talk about music and politics. I get to talk about music all the damn day but I'm happy to talk about advice too. That was my extent of it. That's all I knew about music. That's fair. That's what I've talked about in the first 12 minutes of the show. So as always these are real emails that we've received

from real people. Jake and I often give advice sometimes by ourselves sometimes we have friends and family and guests. Sure. You're all three I would think. Thank you so much. Brother. Thank you so much. How would people know you just to put you in context? I'm an actor and writer for Broad City. People see me there probably. I do a live show in LA and New York and at festivals called Haunting Renditions Live which is actually music where I'm singing lush orchestrations of terrible songs with a five piece band

so I have a whole cannon in my head and Google Docs of terrible songs that I love. That's your favorite one. Oh boy A Kokomo by the Beach Boys. I love that song. Even if you love that song. Oh is that from a cocktail? Yes. But when you think about the Beach Boys and then you with Brian Wilson which is like he created a type of sound and then you look at Mike Love in his Hawaiian T-shirt or his Hawaiian shirt and John Stamos on the drums and

Full House and Cocktail it's like so listenable, so chewy and like it's like taffy. I don't know. It's like dumb taffy. I like never knew this. I don't even know anything about that song except that I used to like my mom would play it when I was a kid. Yes. So it's just I wash with nostalgia. Yeah. Exactly. And there he's just naming places. Yeah. All like pretty soothing. He's yeah. He's just saying the whole song is going do you want to go on vacation? Yes I do.

We'll perfect our chemistry. We'll perfect our chemistry. Where is Kokomo? Where is Aruba, Bahama? Come on pretty much. Aruba, Bahama. Come on pretty much. I have a general idea. Key Largo, Montego, Baby Moongow. To Bermuda, Bahama. The Florida Keys at one point. Yeah I don't know where Kokomo is. Hawaii? Kokomo is actually a small town in North Carolina. Oh is it really? Yeah they just move inland. There's another part where he's just sort of rattling off like Midwestern oh my god. Oh my god. St. Louis. Kansas City. That would be awesome.

Lincoln to Brass. Right. St. Louis. Chicago. Lambies. All right so this is from a dude. We're going to give him a fake name. Just to preserve his anonymity do you have a dude's name that we can call this guy? Sure. Nathaniel. That's really good so far. Do you have a last name? Sure. That's really good. Nathaniel Cantaloupe writes, yesterday my girlfriend was upset at me because I'm a very private man about my laptop and phone.

I've never told her about my passwords for either and if she's using my laptop I prefer to have her log on to a guest account. She also knows that it's not just her. I don't tell my passwords to anybody however she feels like I don't trust her and it makes it seem like I have something to hide. Am I crazy for being this protective of my passwords? I really don't have anything to hide although there's probably some porn or something if she knew where to look. And I don't think she'd ever snoop. I guess I'm partly worried that she'd mess something up like give my laptop a virus or some shit. Do you guys tell your

passwords to people? No. I mean I understand that he's like, I'd like a semblance of privacy and I'm not trying to hide anything in particular but I like my I also come from a Jewish, Jewish, Jewish family where there's no boundaries. So I can imagine, I'm trying to picture my parents and it's like of course they have each other's passwords. They have the same bank account for crying out loudly. My mom doesn't know a single one of her passwords.

I need to help her with something on Tumblr and she's like, you have to email dad. Although I do like that Nathaniel says his girlfriend might give his computer a virus like she's 1000 years old and it's never like... I haven't thought about the viruses in so long. What's he talking about? She fell for a phishing scam while checking his emails. This .exe file looks pretty interesting. Hey Nathaniel, we have to change all your passwords now. It looks like they're compromised. Yeah, I put a virus on your phone. He's basically calling her

like a ball and chain, like a technological ball and chain. The wife won't let, you know, the wife won't try to log into my fucking computer. What's your longest relationship? Three years. And would that person have carte blanche access to your phone at a certain point? Yeah, he would. So there would be like, hey, let me take your phone. He knows the password. I mean, I would give him the password at that point if he wanted it. Nothing to hide. No, I don't think it's a weird moment to be like, you know, we've slept together. We said, I love

you. I met your parents. I think I want your passwords. Yeah. Like nobody does that, but like anybody. Nobody does that. Yeah. People, I love know my password on my phone because if I'm like driving and something it's like going to change a song. Right. Like I know your password. Totally. And I know yours. But I don't know your Gmail password. Right. I think that's different. There's like passwords that you don't have to be weird about like not giving her your phone password or something. Well, it really, I mean, honestly, it just really comes down to if there's stuff you want to hide, you know, which is like

fine. If there's stuff you want to hide, then you have the right to hide it. Yeah, there is stuff I want to hide. You also have your significant others right to say, why would you want to hide something from me? And is it something that could potentially challenge our relationship? I think it's just like the kind of thing you're at. You probably ask. Here's two levels of digital privacy that I've noticed in 2017, let's say. People who kind of have something to hide when they get messages on their iPhone, it just comes up as

iMessage, but you can't read it until it opens. Yes. I've seen like that level of like, hey, if we're sitting down watching a movie and a thing pops up, it's going to say a person's name and iMessage, it's not going to say the message. As soon as you start doing that, I'll let you finish. Also, if somebody puts their phone facing down, I think that person is cheating on somebody. Yeah, that much. Just look down. Yeah, I think it's because you can't even choose a level of anonymity where it's like, by the way, you have a message. It'll say like, by the way, George just sent you a message because

you're already kind of implicated just by the name that's displayed. And I use that. I use that feature where it just says a message. Is that because you want to surprise yourself or because you want to keep a little privacy? I want to surprise myself. It's like you keep a little gem of surprise for what that message will be rather than like it's basically like, I don't want spoilers. I don't want to be a spoiler. Spoiler as to what the text will be when you can read it. I've been as shady as changing girls' names in my phone. Wow. That's really good. That's dark. That's a sad

place to be. When you're doing that, just break up with whoever you're with. Why did Domino's Pizza just text you? That they want to see you tonight. What's your second one? Read receipts. People in long relationships seem to have read receipts on because it's like, when you read your thing, I want to know what that you read and that you haven't applied yet. I hate read receipts. So very much. I think they're so creepy and they're actually invasive. Because that's like at such an ambiguous level

through which you could then attach any type of emotion. That's almost like technology putting some sort of pressure. They're like trying to change the way we communicate by doing that. That's why I call it ambiguous because it's like, oh, they can't say specifically what it is, but it's like, oh, so you want to give me the opportunity to feel guilty or not even guilty, just responsible for having read this and not responding yet. It's like the social stigma. I hate it.

I hate it. Yeah, but then there's ways around it like, oh, I saw it on the lock screen, but I didn't open it so it still doesn't count as unread. You did, but right, exactly. Yeah, but you did read it, but you didn't reply. No, no, it won't come through as read if it hasn't been opened yet. Yeah, but you can still like read the preview. Oh, yes. Which is why I don't. I figured it out. I cracked the code. But then didn't we talk to somebody recently where it's like he has the read receipts on and it's like maybe it's gone full circle to the point where like now read receipts is like a cool

move. Oh, yeah, you did. And he was like, I'll like, I put him on just to fuck with people. Yeah, like, yeah, I did read your text and I didn't reply. Yes. And that was a choice. Then they know. Then they know. But that's terrible. I don't want that. I want a little, I want more ambiguity. I need to not be, it just all it does is encourage neuroses. That's all it does. Totally. Encourages neuroses and second guessing. Isn't it safe to say that every text message is read within eight seconds and like every minute after that, it's like a deliberate

power play. No, for me, I will like, I don't mean to, it's not like a pat on the back, but like I prefer to just not look at my phone when I'm in the middle of a conversation or dinner or anything like that. And I really won't like I'll just, and I'm not saying it as like a, it's not like a bragging thing. It's just like, I don't want to be bothered. And so. And then do you do vibrations? Do you feel it blowing up and you don't look? I don't look. Pure silence. Pure silence. You don't even feel it. I don't even feel it. And then you, maybe that's the same thing where you like at the end of the meal, you pull it out and you see the green. Yes. And that's great.

That's a mature thing to do. I don't, I wonder if there's anybody left or where like the last generation that's going to go on do not disturb mode. Oh yeah. I, we definitely are. Right. Because soon it's going to come to your watch. Soon it's going to be like. Yeah. And kids are like no kid is like I can wait on receiving information. I'll take it easy for now. No, they want it immediately. It's true. It's really hard. I was trying to think of like the name of a song the other day and I was like

I was on my, I like gave myself car sickness because somebody else was driving. I was on my phone for like 25 minutes Googling everything I thought might be the lyrics to it. And I couldn't just, I could not for the life of me be like, it'll come to me. Yeah. No, it has to be here. You have to know. It's not going to come. I have to bring it to me. Yes. I can crack this code. By the way, I still haven't thought of it. Oh no, you still don't know? No. What are the lyrics? I thought it was a song about like a van running on veggie oil and being like a shitty car. Huh. That sounds like the cover to a fish

album. Yeah. It's like my shitty vegetable oil car keeps breaking down something, something gets a junker. I don't know what the f**k in there. So these are all things that I looked up. Sounds very country. I know. I don't know. Are you sure it wasn't a dream you had? It might have been, honestly. I've had a song in my head for I think eight years that I don't know what it is. And I distinctly remember where I heard it. I was in Israel with you like five years ago. So how's it been in your head for eight years? Sorry, it's been in my head for five years. But we were in Israel six years ago. Was it?

Actually, I don't know. Sorry about it just being an asshole. But it's this and I don't, the problem is I know I can hear it in my head, but I can't like describe it outside because in my head it sounds like, and it's been a long summer. What is it? Just kidding. That was the, and then when I sing that everyone's like, oh, do you mean long December by Counting Crows? I was like, no, that's a different song. The words aren't even long summer. It's been a hard day's night. That's almost what it sounds like. It's almost like a Jewish camp song. But I don't know why that would

be playing on a radio in Israel. Isn't there a song called like cool dry summer or like long, long... It's a dashboard song that says goodbye sweet summer. That's one, but I'm thinking of like cool summer. Yeah, the problem is I don't even think the word summer is in it. It just in my brain, it sounded like summer. It's a summer in a Jewish song. I don't know, I don't got it. I tried Snapchatting it once, Instagramming it, no avail. I think didn't happen, didn't work. So what should we tell this guy specifically?

Oh yeah. Does he owe it to his girlfriend to just give her the passwords? Does it depend on how long the relationship is? I don't think so. I think that this is not the kind of thing that should be like such a roadblock in a relationship. I think you should be able to say, hey, I just it's not that I have anything to hide. I just feel like privacy is important. Like if there was ever a situation where you needed one of my passwords or something I wouldn't hesitate to give it to you. But doesn't it seem like you would just be like sure, do it? I don't know. What's the thing I like to

dig my feet in? Like what do you have to hide? What do you need to get in? What do you have to unhide? What do you have to unearth? What do you have to discover? I think it's a healthy boundary. I think so. I really do. So like Gmail password maybe too much, phone password fine? Yeah, that seems appropriate. That seems appropriate to me. Pin? Yeah, sure. ATM pin? I think you could say any four digit code you can have. You can have my pin and that's where I'm going to draw the line. Also like, because your phone is at least always

on your person. I can make sure nobody gets in. You're going in the shower. Oh, I take my phone in the shower. There's been a lot of snooping in the shower. Am I crazy or is the iPhone 7 waterproof? Oh. Did I make that up? I was about to say you're crazy but now I'm seeing commercial where it is. Yeah, I think it might be. That's why they got rid of the headphone jack, right, to make it waterproof. How can anything be, like what, I can submerge this in water and it's fine? I'm frankly surprised it's not waterproof already. There's holes in it. This thing should have been waterproof the entire time. Don't the holes lead to the electricity?

I bet they could have made it waterproof really early on and they're like let's save it. Is this completely waterproof? Like it can get drizzled on or like I can straight up fucking underground underwater videos. I think you can underwater video. That's crazy. They had that technology and like cameras for a long time. It used to be like if you put it in a plastic box, remember those cameras? There are some like chunky underwater cameras. We could have taken underwater photos in the fucking

beach in Honolulu. Well, I have a 6 still. Actually edit that part out. Edit that out as much as you can. I have an 8 still. Alright, let's take a break. Let's try to answer more questions after the break. But we got into it. I like it so far. We'll be right back with more us and Elliot and questions and answers after this. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate

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check them out. Thanks BetterHelp. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Wow! For years and years and years we've been ranting and raving about Squarespace because it's the best way for dummies like me and potentially you that don't necessarily know how to code or design to create a professional looking website. So if you're building an online portfolio for yourself or a loved one or you want to sell stuff online, you can do an online store. They have 24-7 live customer support, email campaigns,

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slash if I were you for a free trial and when you're ready to launch just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Again, squarespace.com slash if I were you. Free trial. Everything looks good. Let's launch it. Let's use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you, Squarespace. Hey, we're back. Elliott's dog is in the studio. He's just sort of a wise old dog that walks around and makes people happy. Elliott, I like you a lot

but I would do, I don't know, a 20-hour interview with Atticus. He has the secret to life, so full of answers. He really is. He's like more chill than Yoda and Gandhi. He's so zen. It's nuts. It doesn't make any sense. He thinks he knows he makes people happy. He just jumped onto the couch and then jumped in Jake's lap. He knew that Jake would like you. He just loves warmth and like being with somebody. He loves it. He's so calming. When I met you downstairs, usually when I see a dog, I'm like, woo! Get really

excited. And just like touching Atticus made me want to whisper. He's so slower. He's so relaxing. He's soup. He's soup in a massage. He really is. He's so chill. He's a gentle breeze over a country plane. I say his name and he thinks I'm calling him. And he's like, okay. Then he pops up and he's like, he looks like a little seal with arms. He really does. What kind of dog just so people can picture it better? Well, I did the DNA test and I was like, oh, he's definitely going to be like

a Havanese and a Schnauzer. That was my guess. I got the DNA test and he was six different... He is a teacup Yorkie poo. Yeah, it's crazy. He's like a Pomeranian and a standard rat terrier or toy terrier or something and a Gordon setter, which are huge dogs, which is like insane. And then also Chihuahua, which we never would have seen coming. Chihuahua. It's crazy. Chihuahua.

That's what I say. I mean, oh my God. Do any of those dogs have the temperament that he has? No. Is that totally unique to... That's why it's so interesting. If anything, I guess a Gordon setter might... I really don't know. It made no sense, but it's so specific. How could it not be real? Have you ever heard him bark? Oh yeah, he'll bark occasionally. If someone knocks on the door or if... Yeah, he barks so little. It's like, I'm trying to think and I can't even recall. A single bark time.

Yeah, he'll bark a little bit, but he's not much of a barker. I didn't hear his voice for the first few weeks that I had him. I was like, maybe he doesn't bark. Is that a thing? Dogs that don't bark? There's quiet dogs. Yeah, but zero bark. Zero bark? Probably. Probably exists. Like they don't know how. Yeah, they don't know how. And there's the sad ones. They bite. Yes, oh, they just rip your face off. They're the sad ones that people have their vocal cords removed because they're monsters.

Monsters. Just pure monsters. That's so fucking sad. It's like 100 game style torture. Chop off the tail, chop off the balls, cut off the boys, de-claw. Why did you want a dog? I really just wanted a fuzzy torso. You wanted this stuffed animal. I wanted ribs and some sort of fluff. An above ground manatee, ideally. What are you working on nowadays? Or anything you want to plug slash promote? Well, I just finished writing

on the sixth season of New Girl. Holy shit. Just wrap that. How long have you been writing there? How many seasons? Just one. Just this last season. Yeah, because I've been writing for the show Younger and also Broad City for the past couple of years. So New Girl was my first fancy job at a network. What's going on in New Girl? Who's hooking up? Zoe's still there. Classic. Actually, Zoe was pregnant in season five so she actually left for a few episodes from her maternity leave. Oh, not in the

show. Not in the show, but on the show she went to, quote, Jerry Duty. And Megan Fox came in and sort of replaced her for a few weeks. So she actually came back this season because people loved her so much. And so that was like for me as a first year writer there, it was really fun to write for Megan Fox because I hadn't really thought one way or the other about Megan Fox before. But her and Zoe as a duo is so interesting to watch because they're night and day. I mean, Zoe's

like, yep, you know, like ukulele. Quirky and dorkable. Yeah, and adorable or whatever. And Megan's like, wears all black and is like, you know, all business, sardonic. She's really funny. That's really funny. And the rest of the, actually the writers were would like tease me because I was like, Megan Fox is a genius. And they're like, well, she's great, but like you're like up her ass. And I'm like, I just think she is fantastic. I just love Megan Fox and everyone's like, everyone likes her, but they're like, Elliot loves her.

What is with him and Megan Fox? You're her you're obsessed with Megan Fox. I just was like, she's so, she's just a fun, you know why? Because she's an anecdote, she's sort of an antidote to the show. She's sort of a dark humor cloud on the show, which is very upbeat and like, you know, the show has become a sort of like a mile a minute joke fest. You know, it's like kind of taken on that like happy endings and 30 rock pace. And so it's really fun to bring someone like Megan in and have her

and just add her to the dynamic. It's fun to, it's just really fun. I'll check out this season. Has it started airing yet? Oh, yeah, yeah, we were almost, it's almost done airing. It started at the sixth season started in, I think, September or October. So we'll be wrapping up in a few weeks. I feel like I could jump back in New Girl. It's fun. I watched up until like season three or four. Yeah, LaMourn, like the actors are all fantastic, but LaMourn who plays Winston is just so funny and so easy to write for and has some he's such a great

improviser. He's just really fun to like write for and watch on set. How are you writing for a network compared to writing for like so different cable and it's a different world completely. I mean, it's just so bureaucratic and so big and there's so much more money, but and there's just so yeah, there's just so much more like tradition to it, you know, for better or worse. I mean, like the room and then breaking off and writing and yeah, it's like at least for me, it was felt like a boot camp. Did it feel like something that you had to do just to like cut your teeth

and you'd rather stay in cable or is it? That's a good question. I think yes. I think especially for like selling my own projects that would, you know, storm me ostensibly. It's like I'd rather go back and cable and yeah, I mean, Megan Fox. Buddy comedy. Amazing. Yeah, but yeah, Megan Fox and Sia does the theme song. Forget it. Oh, that'd be so good. Game over. Yeah. No, I think for me, like for, you know, for better or worse, I think cable is more my lay of the land, but

it was a great and I might go back too. I mean, but it was a great place to cut my teeth on the sort of old school joke room, you know, joke, joke, joke, joke, joke versus story, story, story. Are you one of the youngest guys in that room? I think so. I think yeah, probably. I mean, there's a couple people in their like late 20s and yeah, I'm in my early 30s and there's I think most people there and they're like 40s. Wow. Yeah. It's a great, great, great room of people and some

comedians and you know, Noah Garfinkel and Joe Wanger. Yeah. Oh, hilarious, hilarious people. So. Jake can stop by anytime and sort of be a writer on the show. Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, Jesus. What? It would be an honor. Yeah. You're obviously angling for it. That's not what I'm doing, man. Oh, come on. Do you bring Atticus? Yeah. Then I am going to come by. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And sure, I have a spec script. Sure. You can find one. Well, Billy Eichner, on Billy on the street they did one of their like dollar rounds or whatever it's called. Oh, yeah.

He was like, you know, running around asking people like hilariously irreverent questions and one of them was, is new girl having a quiet renaissance? Yeah. And I was like, that is hilarious. Yeah. Because we're like, maybe, hoping, please, can we, can we, can you, you know. And but it's so, it's so funny because yeah, it's a show that's like moved out of the zeitgeist for sure, but it still has a very loyal following and Zoe is still a movie star, you know, and Jake too. I mean, they're all like, Jake and Max are all like movie stars. Yeah. And so it's still an interesting

place to work. It's like at the end of Parks and Rec where like Chris Pratt is also the number one movie star. Exactly. It's like, oh, wow. Look at that. Right. It's in Guardians of the Galaxy. Yeah. And here. How'd you get him? Well, exactly. He's the reason. He's hot. That's why he's hot. So. All right. You want to answer some more questions? I want to, I want to just spend some more wisdom before you have to get out. Attica is going to answer this next one. Here we go. He is fully asleep at this point. All the secrets. Oh, another guy's name. Oh, another man's name.

There. Oh, we need the last name too. Yeah. Let's go for it. St. James. That's two last names. That's right. And one monopoly property. That's right. Hey there, my Jew friends. Still works. Well, I'm a 22 year old British boy in the midst of a quandary and I was hoping my favorite child men could help. Are you a child man? Yes. I work alongside a six cent babe. Not all of us can be tens. And I've realized I'm becoming increasingly attached

to her. The problem is two fold. One, she has a BF, albeit of less than a year. Two, I think she likes me, but I'm not sure and I'm bad at reading this kind of stuff. I have asked girls out before with varying degrees of success, so I'm not too scared of that normally. But if she rejects me, I literally sit opposite to her and have to talk to her every single day. I can't imagine a more awkward situation. I know it's a dumb question because she's already with someone, but I like her. And they're not married, damn it. Do I just dive in almost blind and hope she

likes me? Or should I play it cool and not say anything? Help. Thanks in advance. Long time fan. Toda. Love. Sinclair. St. James. So she's basically in love with someone at work. Yeah. So I don't think he's not even attracted to, or like I just don't understand why you called her a six cent piece and then also wants to break up their relationship. That's terrible. Well, if he's really ugly, then maybe that's as good as it gets. I guess so. That could be true. There's something like, I never

thought of the idea of finding a mate at work, but I feel like I've heard more and more straight people just be like, oh yeah, that happens all the time. I think it almost exclusively happens. And it's never crossed my mind and never been part of my experience because as a gay guy, it's like I'm in the minority. So it's tough to. There's not a large pool for you. Yeah. There's no situation, a real life situation in which I'd be walking to a room in which there were a ton of

potential boyfriends or something. Most of the places I worked have only ever had one gay person working this. Exactly. So I've never even thought that way about anything. The idea of meeting somebody at work. So I think there's an advantage to being straight and having that possibility. Finally, we get an advantage. Finally. Which is why in this case, I think Sinclair should lay off. Because you know what, again, as a gay guy, I have access to 10% of the population if that, for love and sex or whatever, he has access to

90%. He can find somebody outside of work. Or somebody else at work that you don't think is a six. And don't call her a six cent babe or whatever. Kind of an oxymoron. If you're like she's not a babe, babe. Six cent is so specific. I think even if it's a sure thing, she definitely wants you to ask her out, it's still awkward to ask someone out. So don't take a fucking 50-50 shot with somebody. And it's somebody who sits across from you every day. This is so

bad from the get-go. Maybe his best bet is to be the best type of casual non-asking-her-out dude. Hope that she breaks up with the other boyfriend. And then hope that she asks him out. I think that's right. Yeah, even if she was single, I don't think you can ask somebody out at work. You have to just persist at work functions and stuff. And there are a lot of those. There's work happy hours and you can say like are you going, whatever. Have you guys dated people at work? Almost exclusively. Wow, you too? Uh, no. Does it blow up in your face?

Yes. Bad. I used to like work in the same office with a girlfriend and we would get into like bad fights in and like she would walk past my desk and like not look at me and I would just be like stewing, needing to write a comedy sketch. Oh, that's so infuriating. That sucks. Who bought that? Why would you want to run the risk of that? Yeah, no, it's not good. I mean, I can't help myself. Jake doesn't think about risks. Jake loves love. Yeah, that's right. He doesn't think about consequences in any way, shape or form. Right.

Has that changed, do you think, or are you still sort of that way? No, I guess I've gotten more aware that I don't think of consequences. So I can like sort of, it's almost like watching a movie being like Jake's not thinking of this one. Yeah, you're like becoming, you're like, you're like Benjamin buttoning into a teenager and just like thinking without your frontal lobe development and just being like, sure, but I'll date the woman at work. And then I'm watching it like I'm watching a horror show. Don't go in there. Get out. Like I can't stop. I watched this show that only children watch

called The Fosters. It's on freeform, which is the channel for teenagers. Of course. But I love this show so much. It's a show, it's a drama, like a melodrama about two lesbians and their house of like a thousand children that they fostered and adopted like four kids or whatever. It's a real show. Yeah, it's a real show. It's really good. It is actually a really good show. And it's because it's a melodrama, you know, everyone has a storyline that's just crazier than the last sometimes. And I'm like, you know, you watch it with a grain of salt, but then there was a scene

where two of the adults were talking and they were like, remember kids, these kids don't think they like kids like literally and scientifically don't have the function to think before they do something, which is why kids get into trouble all the time. And it reminded me like, oh my God, that's a real thing that as adults, we do hopefully and usually have the wherewithal to be like, okay, I can think before I make this decision, whereas kids are just idiots. Straight up dummies who are like, yeah, I'll do that. Yeah, yeah, let's

have, let's like, let's do this dumb thing and see if I can fly. Exactly. Now both my legs are broken. Like, what the hell? What the hell? I didn't see that one coming. Yeah, I mean, how would kids be smart? They haven't lived, like, their first eight years, they were legit children. But then I wake up, I still wake up in the morning and I'm like, I have a pounding hangover and I'm like, what the, like, I know I drank like nine whiskeys. That's like, I knew this would happen. Right. And there I am. But I did it anyway. I guess getting drunk almost turns you into a child. For sure. Yeah, it sort of sweeps

away all the logic and adult stuff. And it's like, all right, now you're an animal. And I guess I still like, I actively like to get drunk because I know that I'll get myself there. Yeah, you want to get yourself to that place of abandonment. You're inner child. Like, even when I'm sober and I'm like about to have my first drink, I'm like, I know I'll be hungover. Like, I know that I'm opening this door where I'm going to go get drunk and move myself. Yes. Good for you. Finally. Good for you. Maybe when I'm 40, I'll stop bad behavior. Oh, wow. Instead of just recognize it. I guess, I mean, I'm getting closer.

I'm trending towards it. I think you'll shed that boy, bad boy image. Everybody thinks of me as a big bad boy. A little Jewish bad boy. Shoot. All right. Let's try to answer one more because we've only done two. Sure. And we usually do 60. Okay. Okay. It's usually rapid fire. But I like that we've got real in this episode. We went in deep. We're just talking. It's more of a quality than quantity. I honestly think it's the Atticus effect. If you could just, you could start an Atticus podcast. Oh, yeah. I mean, you could, there's a million things. He's on Broad City, too.

Oh, really? Yeah. If you watch the dog episode from season two. I see that episode. I literally married Atticus. Wow. But he was so, and the animal, you know, we had a bunch of dogs on set that day and the animal trainer was this like big, like fat dude from Brooklyn. He was like, I can't believe you dog. He was like, I cannot believe you dog. He's the most beautiful animal I've ever seen. And I'm like, he's like, he's trained, right? I was like, I mean, he's not formally trained. He's like, and the guy was alone. He's like, he's not an actor. He's like, he's not an actor.

Yeah, I know. This is him. Like, he's so chill. He's not doing a character right now. He just couldn't believe it. He couldn't believe it. One more time for just for me to say I can't believe you dog. I can't believe you dog. That's Jake's ringtone now. I really would love that. You can't believe you dog. That's a little more like a lot. That appears a little more Long Island. Like, there is a fine line between like the Brooklyn accent and the Long Island accent is much more disgusting and like in the nose. Brooklyn's charming. Yeah, Brooklyn's a little more charming.

Which one did you love, the bus one? Yeah, I liked the bus one a lot. Alright, I'm going to read the bus one. Great. Bus holes. This one's written by a lady. Oh, okay. So you want to give her a lady name? Sure. Champagne. No, wait. Urbana. What is it? Champagne Urbana? Yeah. That's a place, right? Yeah, that's a city. Very nice. Isn't that in the Kokomo song? Yeah, Champagne Urbana. Come on, pretty mama. I recently moved back home with my parents to save money, which means now I have a commute of an hour and a half to get

to work. This means getting a bus at 6.30 a.m. every morning. I'm a smoker and to be courteous, I stood at the far side of the bus shelter to save the other people at the stop from having to breathe my delicious smoke. The shelter is about two feet back from the road and there is no set queuing area. People just line up when the bus gets there. Because I'm on the far side of the shelter, I'm queuing from a different side than the rest of the bus wankers. One morning, I thought I heard one guy grumble that I was skipping the queue, but I had my earphones in

so I didn't really hear about it and I dismissed it. Yesterday the same thing happened, but this time I had music turned down and a small fraction had come together to give out about me skipping the queue. So today, instead of standing at my usual spot, I started a queue at the edge of the road so it would stop them from grumbling as I was clearly at the head of the queue. This seemed to infuriate them and one woman tried to push me out of the way as the bus rolled up, shouting that there was a queue and that this was ridiculous. I agreed that there was a queue because I had

started it and proceeded to get on the bus to a chorus of protests. Now I don't know what to do tomorrow. It seems like whatever I do I'm in the wrong and I don't really want to start a brawl on the side of the road that early in the morning. Also, it's not like the bus is full or that there would be no seats for them when they got on 10 seconds later. The bus isn't even half full at that time. I'm quite a stubborn person and I don't really think I'm in the wrong here. I keep waiting until they all got on first. Sorry, I know waiting until they all got on first would smooth things over, but then they would feel like

they had won and I don't want to give them that satisfaction. So can you please give me some advice on what to do? How do I get these bus holes off my case? I'm open to petty revenge. Sorry for the long email. Lots of love. Champagne Urbana. P.S. do another show in Ireland. So it's an Ireland. So it's already a kind of a sad situation because it's a bunch of people waiting at a bus stop in Ireland at 6.30 in the morning. I assume it's drizzling and dark. Get a car. What are you doing?

Wow, I guess I never thought about that. You're living at home, save your money, buy a car and stop waiting in the queue. That is probably the most logical idea. Get a bike. Oh, a bike? An hour and a half commute. She's got to save a little bit of money, so she has probably another couple weeks, maybe months, where she's got to deal with this bus thing. I honestly don't have an answer because I don't fully understand the problem.

It seems like people are just mad at her for no reason. The first two times she didn't know where the queue was accidentally skipped it. The third time she started a queue but people were even more mad at that. And she recognizes the right answer is to not engage. Yeah, just go on later. What's a curb your enthusiasm type thing? I'm so the opposite. I don't want any confrontation at all.

As soon as somebody even remotely scolded me for skipping a line, I would wait for the next bus. What's your getting on a plane etiquette? Are you first in line or just let them get on? I'll go on last. I don't care. Just let them get in line. We're all going on the same place. There's no reason to make somebody else's trip unpleasant by elbowing your way. There's no reason to do that. We're all going to the same place unless you're dying to get your baggage directly over where you're sitting.

That's dying to do that. That's the advantage. Like I just said, I hate confrontation but one time where I will just fight for my shit is when I'm going on an airplane. I hate when this is this most privileged complaint I've ever... I'm sky priority. Johnny Q. Public is cutting my ass. I'm not going to tell you what status I am on Delta. I do recognize they have zone one, zone two, zone three, zone four.

There's people in zone three that just start inching their way. They're like, I want to be the first one of zone three. No, I can't go in because I got a bag. You can't squeeze by someone if you have a roller. Then all the rollers, the spots above your head are disappearing. Then you got to check your bag. Then they lose your bag. I will admit, I feel so superior when I'm in sky zone. Oh yeah, the priority. I feel like a king. Even just economy comfort. That's what I'm saying.

Keep walking, bro. I like to sit in there as early as possible. People just march to the back. The worst is when you put your bag downstream. When you get up, you're like, what do I like? Shovel Pat. The aisle is already not wide enough for one human. So unpleasant. But I will say, flying sky priority a couple weeks ago, the guy who was, I was sitting window, this guy was sitting aisle, he had so many points that he bought his seat in the middle seat. Oh wow. What an amazing travel companion. Oh, he's a douche.

He got into a fight with somebody, like a nice woman. He got into a big fight with her and was just terrible. Just terrible. I'm sorry about that. And I have to take it. And I'm actually sorry about this. Mom? It was pleasant for me though, to have that extra leg room in the middle kind of. Even though he was like, this is where I put my bag. This is where I put my iPad. This is where I plug in. I'm putting my gadgets here just so you know, don't even think about putting anything here. I bought this seat. This isn't free. Oh, I know he bought it because he told the woman he got in a fight with.

I bought this seat because I have that many points and she's like, well, bitch, you're still not sitting in the first class. Yeah, you don't have that many points. Yeah, that's a weird level of like buying an extra economy comfort seat. It's like you're pretty close to just doing business. She was like, your ass is still in premium economy with me, bitch. She said that? She, the woman, she didn't say that directly, but she just burned, like she just burned him hard. He was horrid. What a waste of points. Horrid. What a waste of points. Right. For his iPad, nothing says premium economy like an iPad. Just buy yourself a first class seat.

Just buy, that's what it was. It was like, just buy yourself a first class seat. Don't buy two premium economy seats. You got these points to burn. Yeah. All right. Do we have any specific? I don't know what to tell this lady. Oh, I think you got to swallow your pride and let them win. Just get on the bus after. Yeah, or make a huge move of it every morning and then say, I was here first. Or, you know, this is probably the easiest one is smoke your cigarette on the way to the bus and then just like get in the queue with everybody. Right. And then you don't have to, I mean, nobody's asking you to be at

the end of the line. No one's saying you can't ride the bus. They just want, they just want you, these people have been like lining up at the bus at 6.30 for a, for a probably pretty long time. Yes. And you're like this, this like smoking newcomer that you're too good for the line. I'm with them. I'm with the angry mob. Me too. I imagine they're also a lot older than her. So maybe it's like, don't worry, they'll be dead soon enough situation. Where is she going? That takes an hour and a half in Ireland. She's going to Dublin from Cork. Yeah.

You can believe it. I hope she saves up her Ireland money. I really do. Air Lingus leprechaun points. Save it up, baby. Save up your lucky charms. Get a car, get a place in Dublin. Just get out. Sure, Champagne. We want you to get out of your parents' house. Move to Champagne. I want to go to Ireland so badly. You've never been? I haven't and I love gingers. Oh, oh, shit. So I need to go. Holy shit. When you go, let us know, we'll give you the lay of the land. There's

an amazing, amazing club that everybody in Ireland disparages, but everyone also goes. Oh. Called Coppers. It's like a four-story nightclub. Maybe it's two stories. Whatever. It's insane. It's crawling with humans. Yeah, a lot of Irishmen. Oh, my God. A lot of Irishmen for days. Oh, man. Sticky fours for all clubs and nurses, too. That's great. All right, Elliott, thanks for coming on the show. Thanks for having me. This is so fun. If people want more Elliott in their lives, where do they go? They go to elliottglaser.com or hauntingrenditions.com.

2Ls. 1L, 1T. 1L, 1T. And you can do the same by name on Instagram and Twitter as Elliott Glazer. Easy. Full branding. Easy. Easy. Easy. Opening theme song written by, again, Joe Kim. I forgot to shout out his song that he wanted to shout, or his Twitter that he wanted to shout out. So thank you, Joe Kim. Twitter at Joe Conch. Ooh, that's a tough one. J-O-K-O-N-S-C-H. Followed Joe Conch. Everybody just forgot Elliott Glazer. Yeah. Joe Conch. Joe Conch. And this closing theme song is

written by Billy Healy. So thanks, Joe Kim. Thanks, Billy Healy. Thanks to you guys for listening. Thanks to Elliott for coming. Thanks. Thanks for Atticus, too. Baby. We'll be back soon enough. Baby! And you come to Drake asking for help, please. He says you are done. And they saw me preach that it's you who needs this show. If I were you, show. If I, if I were you, show. You really need this show.

Cause we're living in the world of fools, breaking us down. When we all should seize the cheese, it belongs to you and me. Seize the cheese.