If I Were You - 264: Seal the Deal

Episode Date: March 20, 2017

In this episode we discuss typewriting, massaging, and videochatting.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

When I was a young boy, I watched a podcast show online, called If I Were You. You had Jake, the cool dude, the master, the one who got the pussy, and made the coats as a whack. Then Shmuel, the loser, with no friends, and ate only chicken nuggets, and gave Pink Guy to his dates. Email if I were you, show at gmail.com if you want to get shit on by old men. Wow. Oh, wow. Stuck the landing. Absolutely stuck it.

Ha, indeed. 10 for the dismount. Holy. 10 for the voice. That was a My Chemical Romance cover, actually. Do you think that guy sings all the time? The one that contributed to the one who wrote this and recorded this theme song? No, he made a reference to, his name is Robert, but you don't have to shout him out unless it somehow can get him into medical school.

So I think he has different ambitions. Right. That's good. Yeah. The lyrics are great. Uh-huh. The song is great. His voice is fine.

Uh-huh. And I appreciate the effort. It's really hard to sing. Who's the My Chemical Romance singer? He has such a distinct, cool voice. Yeah. It's almost like Freddie Mercury, almost. When I was.

Did they have any other songs, too? Uh, yeah. That's such a popular song. What's another popular My Chemical Romance song? I think they had a bigger song. Really? Teenager's Scare, like, Teenager's Scare, the living she had of me. You know that song?

No. That's really good. What about Teenage Dirtbag? Well, that was from Weedus. Oh, okay. So that's a different one. That guy had a unique voice, too. Yeah.

And what about Flavor of the Week? Ooh. Her boyfriend. That was a dark and high-fi. Oh, that one's a good song. Uh-huh. I think I had this idea before, but there should be an agreement between all these bands where they just get to play each other hits.

That'd be nice. So My Chemical Romance gets to sing Flavor of the Week. They should. They're all there to hear the same 21 songs. Yeah. And it's a shame that My Chemical Romance only wrote one or two of them. You weren't there at this thing, but a bunch of us from work a decade ago went to, I forget what it was called, but Everclear put it on.

Oh, yeah. Everclear and Live. The 90s tour. Yeah. And some other, I don't know, the guys that sang Butterfly or something. But not them, but something like that. Yeah. Uh, and it was so exciting, like when Everclear sang like, you know, they had like the most

songs. They had like five or six songs that everybody was into. Wanna put my tender, hot in a blender. That's not Everclear, but they should be able to play that one. Yeah. That's Eve 6. Oh, that's right. In my brain, it's EVE, and then I forget about that Erklear.

That makes sense. What's Everclear? Who do they sing? They go, um, they sing that song Santa Monica, you know, like bong-o-no, bong-o-no, bong-o-no, but we will do the Sadio Show. Yeah, yeah. And then they also sing Everything is Wonderful Now. Yeah, that seems like the same song.

And like Father of Mine, which is, I mean, they're all like the same, bong-o-no, bong-o-no. Yeah. It's all one 21 minute song. Uh, anyway, but like Lit played, and they have like three songs, but they had like a 30 minute set, and you're like, what are you, what are we going to, just, just play my own worst enemy nine times. We're not here to discover new Lit songs, Lit. Actually, we're going to go from the new album.

Yeah, like you're touring based on the popularity of your old albums. Of your three songs. Well, anyway, thanks to Robert for writing that. And thanks to Lit for writing my own worst enemy. Man, that's a good song. Oh, God, that song's great. Uh, this is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the interweb hosted by us. I'm Amir.

I'm Jake. Uh, episode comes out after our Australia and Austin shows. After all of them? But I think we're recording it, or no, we're definitely recording it before. I believe it comes out after. I think we're recording it before. I think I haven't been there yet. But it's always fun to like, record right before we go on tour, because our life is going to be

drastically different in 11 days. I know, holy shit. What's going to happen? Yeah, I don't know. Let's find out. I had a vision that I was going to die actually, so let's see if that comes true. Yeah, but like if you have that vision a lot, like even if it finally happens, I'm not going to give you like the fucking Atta Boy.

Yeah, because I've been wrong a fucking million times and then it finally hits. Yeah, you're not going to be like, I told you so as we fucking crash. Like no way, you get five premonitions before I give a shit about the one that hits. It's absolutely fair to be honest. All right, so these are, as always, real people, real emails, fake names. This one is written with someone who has a fake name given in the email. So I think we should call them that. Oh, okay.

So he says, well, it starts off by saying, first of all, please call me Mr. Mick Kweefington. We could never have come up with a better name, so thank you. Love the show. I've been a huge fan of yours since College Humor and I am in need for advice. Is there a Mrs. Mick Kweefington? Nice. Thank you. Is there a Mrs. Mr. Mick Kweefington?

Call me Dr. Mr. Mick Kweefington. I'm a 21-year-old guy living in LA and I find it difficult to close the deal with girlies. It's been over a year since I got laid. I'm great at approaching them and holding a conversation, but by the end of the night we end up parting ways and I never seem to see them again. So I guess my question would be, Jake, what are your top tips for sealing the deal? I need to seize the cheese and I'd rather not end up killing myself in a Starbucks. Thanks, Mr. Mick Kweefington.

So there is not a Mrs. Mr. Mick Kweefington. He's trying to find the Mrs. Mr. Mick Kweefington. Are there specific quote-unquote closing tips or is it just the same tips and as an aggregate at the end of the night you hope that they add up to somebody wanting to sleep with you? I mean there's nothing that like, there's no tried and true formula. It's, shucks man, some of us are born with it. You know what I mean? I'm just sort of hot and funny. That's good and now I'm famous and pretty rich.

So can you get any of that done? Jesus, that was awesome. No, let's see. I think, first of all, it helps to not give a fuck and it's hard when you, it's hard to even pretend to not give a fuck when you give a lot of a fuck. You have to be willing to walk away? Yeah, you really do. So you're saying not push it, press it? Yeah, I mean like, don't lay all your cars out on the table like, hey, I really want you to come home with me now.

I want you to come home with me tonight. Right. It's always, I guess I always find it easier to extend the night in ways that aren't like, come back to my house. So it's like, we had one drink at one bar, like, well hey, let's check out this other place. I like this other spot too. Then you've gotten two drinks and you're like, it's getting later and later. And then you're like, let's get another drink or let's go to this restaurant or something. This after hour spot.

Yeah, an after hour spot. I don't know why I said food somewhere. I would never do that. So there's that. And then there's also the notion that like, I couldn't entirely tell from this email, but it seemed like he sort of, if it's not one and out, then he starts from scratch somewhere else. Yeah, like what? You can build a little bit. Yeah, it's fine to have sex on the second, third, fourth, fifth date too.

Yeah, what? Six. Get the fuck out of here. It's been too long. I think you can at the very least get some sort of form of communication, a phone number, an email address, a Snapchat, an Instagram. Keep the line of communication over, open. And sometimes when you don't go for it really hard at first, that only pays dividends down the road. Yeah, people appreciate.

I think people underestimate how annoying it is for girls to be hit on like by desperate guys. Yeah. But when you're like just normal, you really don't have to be much better than that, though you should be. But I can't even tell you how many times I've been on first dates and people have just been like taking a breath and be like, you're normal. Thank God. Yeah, this is good. This is good. You're not insane.

I didn't even have to do anything good or impressive yet. And then you... Just like, just by not being a needy creep. A needy creepy or a creedy nippy. And then when they say, thank God you're normal, you just look at them and start smiling and shit. You have no idea how normal I am. What's that? I can't do the Hannibal Lecter thing.

Yeah. That's your inhaler. That was my question. I mean, it wasn't a question. One-night dance are tough. I don't have like a ton of one-night stands. Yeah, you're saying you build a little bit? Yeah, I'm just like good at building and then you like...

I'm good at spinning lots of plates, so it sort of seems like you have a lot of one-night stands, but really it's just like a bunch of look up buddies. One-night stands seems like it has to be very mutually agreed upon. It's hard to convince somebody who's not down to do that. I don't even like one-night stands that much, to be honest. Why is that? I like having sex one time with people that I know well. That's nicer.

So it's like one-night stands in that way. Like we'll only have sex once. Got it. That is a Hanukkah. You're hanging out one, two, three, four. Oh, yeah, pop. That's the Shamash. Yeah.

And then you're back down to a five, six, seven, eight. Forever. Oh, it's a forever. It's a long Hanukkah. It doesn't end after eight days. Eight dates. Eight crazy dates. Yeah, but it's sort of like one...

I guess like one night of fire. I like the Shamash. Yeah, the Shamash. Shamash. Yeah. And then like that's the last night of Hanukkah. Then the rest of the ones are just... The oil actually did run out.

Oh, you like the ones where the Shamash is like off to the right. Yeah, a little lopsided Hanukkah. Oh, yeah, that's nice. So you prefer not to just sleep with somebody you just met that day. I mean, that's obviously fine too. But I think if I was like my preferences and what I do most, it's probably like infrequent hookups with people that I kind of know. Right.

So it's almost like spinning plates rather than like catching something that night. Yeah. Catch and release or whatever. Yeah. Like a fish. That ain't my shit. I also personally, I feel like I don't attract the type of ladies that like one night stands either.

I feel like I attract the type of ladies that appreciate the slow play like that. Which is fine. You're going to get Chlamydia a lot less if at all. That's true. I have had Chlamydia a lot less recently. I'm down to not having it. I had it a lot last year. And now I'm just totally at zero again, which I prefer really.

Honestly, if I'm talking quite frankly and candidly. All right. So maybe pump the brakes a bit. Don't worry about sealing the deal as you say that night. As it were. Keep the conversation open and then it'll eventually happen. And use your first name instead of like Mr. Mcqueefington when you introduce yourself to people. Yeah.

The problem is I see it in the email signature. It's Fartsmith. Fartsmith Mcqueefington? Yeah. So it's almost like a mystery. That's such a tough name. Yeah. Fartsmith Mcqueefington.

Well, I guess you go by your middle name. Oh, no. Yeah. That's even worse. What are you talking about? It's already Fartsmith Mcqueefington. What could be possibly worse? I don't know.

It says Cockrash. Fartsmith Cockrash Mcqueefington. Cockrash Mcqueefington. Absolutely insane. His parents damned him to hell. He had no option. He had no other option. Fartsmith Cockrash Mcqueefington.

Here's an email, a similar email, similar sphere, different person. Let's call this person Mr. Mick. It's weird because when I say pussy fart, like that's considered blue. Yeah. Like that's off color, but Mr. Mcqueefington got away with it. Yeah. Well, Cockrash was pretty blue. Of course.

Let's call this guy Dudesmith. Hey dudes, Dudesmith here. I'm a 25 year old coy guy who has a history of being the worst when it comes to girls. Like real bad. So bad that at 25, I've never had a girlfriend. I've never been kissed. And it goes without saying, I've never had sex. Oh.

That's right. Should I give up? Should I give up? Or is my dick doomed to stay as dry as the Sahara desert? Or do I still have a shot? I also live at home with my parents because I can't afford to move out right now. And I fear woman won't go for that. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks. Thoughts? What durst do you do when you're 25 and living at home? And you have never had sex? I feel like this is a good place to start. It's nowhere to go but up. You're at zero right now. So I feel like you got a lot of room for improvement.

Zilch, nada. And I'm all about the micro improvements. You can get a haircut. All about the micro improvements. You can grow with improvements. No artificial improvement. Growing hair, cutting hair, gaining weight, losing weight, shaping, sculpting, spending six months sort of making trend, trending towards a better physical you.

I like that. That's actually really good advice. The first time in your goddamn life when I filmed, you hit the nail on the head. Which is what? You thought of something I wasn't thinking of. Which is what? I was going to tell this guy to jump off a fucking bridge. Jesus.

Is dick was doomed to stay as dry as the Sahara? That's the best way to lose weight. And now I see the light. That makes a ton of sense. Yeah. You've got, you're like in a shitty spot, right? Yeah. And he wants, perhaps rock bottom.

He's trying to go to zero to 100. Yeah. Like he wants to go from like virgin in his mom's basement feeling sorry for himself to fucking 10s, right? Yeah. So I think you're right. You take the girls out of the equation. You make the goal self-improvement.

Six months, you're like, hey, we're going to table sex for six whole months. If you can handle it, like I'm not even going to think about sex. I'm going to think about getting an eight pack or whatever it, whatever it may be. Right. You, you know, you go on a diet, you exercise, you take in some literature, nurture your body, nurture your mind, practice yoga, meditate, all that good stuff. Upgrade your wardrobes slowly if you have to, if you can't afford it. Yeah.

But you shout out me undies, that's what's up. Suddenly you're feeling better. Yeah. More confident. Six, eight months down the road, you're feeling good. You're looking good. You're feeling confident. Yeah.

That's going to, that's going to exude from you. Yeah. And people are going to, that's going to attract, attract you a mate. Then you take that attitude, you reintroduce yourself to all the people that knew you back then. And they've seen the improvement. And you can even join like a dating app or a dating website. That.

Suddenly you're not the bottom of the barrel anymore. You're at the middle of the barrel, which is a great place to be because you're probably. That's where the best things are. You have the personality of someone who used to be a loser, which is probably the best kind of personality to have, because your confidence is at an all time low. Heck, I want to fuck you. And I will. And I have your email address, so I'll reach out to you.

I'll make it happen. Thanks. Pussy fart. No, dude Smith. I also, he says, I also live at home with my parents because I can't afford to move out right now. And I fear women won't go for that. Maybe don't bring that up right away.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, again, that's also not a permanent thing. That's something you can strive for. You say like, I live with my parents to save money, not because I can't afford anything else. I'm trying to save money to do something even better with myself. I donate so much money to charity that I feel bad even spending it on myself.

Totally. The best situation to be in is one where like, you know, you have a tangible goal. The problem is like, when you, if we get emails, sometimes people, they've already like, you know, they have what they thought they wanted and they're there and now they don't even know what to strive for. This guy sees the map, the plan, it's set for him. So this is kind of a good place to be. So it's almost like all the negative stuff you're saying is a positive because you're

starting from a place where you know where to go and you probably know how to get there. So send us a picture of you. We'll locate all your problem areas. We'll let you know. I'll highlight them. I want to fucking Richard Simmons this dude real bad. What does that mean? I was listening to that Richard Simmons podcast and he would like meet people at these mall

like these really overweight, unhappy people. Yeah. And he would like change their life in an instant be like, today it starts now, right? And then like, you think they would never hear from him again. And then like a week later, he would like call them and then he would call them every single week for a decade, two decades. They lose a hundred pounds. He's just a fucking hero.

Jesus. Yeah. Richard Simmons is a man. And now he's just gone. Essentially. He's missing. Yeah. Everybody should check out that podcast.

Please subscribe this one. That's right. You have to rate us five stars, leave a review. It's all good because it's all now. It's helping us on iTunes and we appreciate it. Climbing the charts yet again. Always. As always.

All right. Let's answer one more question. I want chart blanche. Nice. Thank you. John Davies. John Wilkes Davies writes, a few weeks ago. A few weeks ago, I got out of a longish term relationship.

I've had a lot of my girlfriend's stuff in my room at college and I gave it all back to her. However, her roommate also reminded me that I had my ex-girlfriend's Game Boy SP and a copy of Pokemon Leaf Green, which I left at home. Now I'm home for spring break and I'm getting ready to give it back to her. But here's my question. Should I delete the save file I created and have been working on? I've logged close to 100 hours on it and my Pokedex is extremely close to completion.

Even my national Pokedex. It's obviously the save file is just my name, so I can see why she wouldn't like that. But I also don't want it to seem like I did it as a slap in the face because I don't want her to enjoy the fruits of my labor. So I'm a little confused. What do you think I should do? Love? John Wilkes Davies.

That's actually a good question. I think if it were me, I would leave it in there and pretend like I didn't even look or play. Yeah, I just played dumb. Yeah. Yeah, you never want it. It's like unfollowing someone on Instagram that shows an extra level of effort. Right.

Whereas like if you really, truly didn't care, you would either keep following them or in this case, not delete your saved Pokedex game on their Gameboy SP and copy of Pokemon Leaf Green. Yeah, of course. I mean, you can't even play Leaf Green for a lot of Pokedex. And if you're on the national. You're just as much of a nerd as this, too. You're lucky that you like basketball instead of video games.

Every day. It could have gone either way. Every day, you should pray to the only God you know that you fucking like sports for whatever reason, instead of sci-fi. You have to be nerdly obsessed with something. At least it's like a cool macho shit. Holy shit. God himself just fucking threw a dart at a board and it landed on football.

It could have easily fucking shifted one inch to the left of Star Trek, one inch to the right to, I don't know, literature. Oh God. I guess that would have been fine actually, too. Yeah. I don't know. You liking sports really helps us out in the real world. I guess everybody has an obsession.

Yeah. You have to spend your time doing something. I know. Mine's porn. It's really annoying. It's so dumb. How sucky is that? It worked like during Gay vs. Podcast.

Yeah, that's true. It works during like dude conversations. Yeah. Like when people are finally opening up and having dude talks. Yeah, that's true. I sort of like retreat a little bit and you're like, let's fucking talk. Like what porn do you like? I know that porn stuff.

I always feel so dirty after those talks. Like I'm always like a little bit buzzed and I'm just like, it's just like bro, it's really a locker room talk. It really is locker room talk. What does this guy do? I think you, it's nice that he's trying to be so thoughtful. Yeah. You're definitely overthinking it.

I, I, I imagine she's not going to care either way. I think that's the real, the real answer. Yeah. But you might as well just leave it in there in case she wants to change the name and have the amazing pokey deck. Yeah, you leave it in there. You're avoiding the worst case scenario, which is her thinking you deleted it on purpose. So you're avoiding that conversation.

Yeah. What about changing the name? Can you do that? Another thing. Why did you change her name? All right. Yeah, just leave it. Leave it in, give it back.

Yeah. I don't know what a pokey deck is, but it sounds fucking hot. It really sounds hot. Whoa. I can't even say that word correctly. It's wrong with you. It sounds hot. The opposite of cold.

Is what? Is hot. Is, this is so weird. If a girl is like a 10 out of 10, she's sexy. Yeah. What? Well. This is insane.

Hot. Hit. Hot. Hot. Hot. And lastly, but not leastly. Oh, shit. Shit.

I don't know, man. Hot. There we go. All right. Great. Let's take a break. We'll be right back with more questions and answers after this. The best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place and it's not necessarily easy

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This is done entirely online but you're still getting professional licensed help and it's extra affordable. That's betterhelp.com slash if I were you. Check them out. Thanks, Better Help. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Wow. For years and years and years we've been ranting and raving about Squarespace because it's

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Everything looks good. Let's launch it. Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you, Squarespace. We have returned. Did you get your first massage ever today? I sure did. Really?

Your first one ever? My first massage ever. Never gotten a massage? Never. From like a significant, a sig o or something. That's really hot. Yeah. I've never gotten an actual massage by a professional and it rocked my world.

It was great. Was it expensive? It was, well, tell me how much you think would be a nice deal from massage. I would say I would guess $120 for an hour long massage. All right. It was 110. Oh, wow. You got a good deal.

I sure did. How long was your massage though? 25 minutes. That's the problem. And she was actually texting for most of it and it was the sig o kind and she charged me double. Triple. The Seuss did it again.

And I had to do the massaging. What the fuck is that? How is that fair? So hour long massage, will you get it again, highs and lows, anything unexpected? All right. So I never had gotten a massage. I think she did not necessarily know that. So when I walked in, she was like, all right, I'm going to step out, clean up, get undressed,

get under the table or under the blanket. And then she left. Fully naked? Or you stay? Well, this is the problem. She left and I was like, I don't know what to do. What's the answer? How nude do I go?

Was it just my shirt? I was wearing sweatshorts and I was like, I don't think I go full nude. That seems aggressive. Yeah. Air on the side of slightly closed. So I just did underwear. Yeah. Okay.

That felt right. Yeah. And then that was like the biggest hurdle that I faced. And then she came back and she said, no, no, that won't do. She faced me. I didn't say that. That's way too nude. You're supposed to put on the extra clothes.

I told you to put on a winter parka. So she comes back, you're under the towel. You're ready for the massage. Oh yeah. Face up, down? Face down. I told her that my heel hurt and that my left foot also hurt, two injured feet. And she just like massaged my legs, massaged the feet.

And my upper back, I was like all over, just like, man, I could feel the muscles like moving around and releasing and relaxing. Did she's like, you have a knot here? Did she ever do that? Or was like working on a specific thing? She was like, your right foot is like, or your right leg is like way, way tighter than your left. So she spent more time on my right leg.

Is your right leg the one that has been hurt for longer? Yeah, three years, yeah. So that's the one that was tighter. Which makes a ton of sense. But it felt nice to walk after the massage. She definitely loosened up the leg a lot. The coolest thing, my favorite part was like, so I flipped over and she was like massaging my arms and my chest.

And then basically just like lifted my head and sort of like rocked it from side to side up and back. And you don't, it's such a strange sensation. Have you ever just like lie down and have someone hold your head? It's so fucking heavy. Yeah. Every time you move your head. That's like a separate part of your body.

Yeah, you have to like do something to it. Right. If you're like, even just holding it up takes neck muscles. And like lying in bed, you can like lift your head up and it's just weird. It's a strange sensation to have your head be weightless. And she like pulled it a little bit and like cracked the bottom, like the base of my neck. That was incredible. So if you're rich, you think you have one of those every day?

I was fantasizing during the massage about head gum becoming like so successful that we have like a fucking high rise and I can hire this lady to be our in-house masseuse. Wow. And like a corporate masseuse or something. We could just go in there and get a massage. So if somebody was like, here's $50,000 this year, but you have to spend it on either a private masseuse or a private chef. What would you choose?

Ooh. I guess, I mean, I don't know. Because you can cook your own food. Yeah, you can have a massage yourself. Right, that's what I'm saying. It is interesting though, like, I mean, private chef is, it's really hard. That's a hard pill to swallow. I'd hate to lose either.

Can I have 100 grand, sir? I guess, yeah, or like, will you take 25? Oh, you want to start haggling. Yeah, I like only need the private chef during the week. Never mind. Wait a second. How about just dinner? Jeannie, are you serious?

What the fuck is that? I didn't make the call that quick. So you're definitely having more massages. This is the end game. Yeah, I'm going to do it again. I kind of, I want to find this masseuse because she lives in LA and now that I've shattered her out. Yeah.

You think you can maybe find like shop around and do like, or this is the person for you. You're good to go. I guess I've never gotten another massage, but this one seemed like the, I don't know, it seemed pretty great. It definitely didn't leave me being like, I need to go and see who else could do a better job. Yeah. You're like, this is perfect enough for my liking.

Yeah. All right. Have you ever gotten a massage? Yeah, but I don't remember loving it. I remember like, oh, that was fun, but I wasn't like, I didn't leave like needing to have another one. Right. Well, you know, well, when was it?

First of all, maybe a year and a half ago. Oh, that's pretty recent. Yeah. What was the occasion? It was funny. We, I was watching football with Marty on a Sunday and it was where, when we were living together. Oh, I kind of remember being on this group text and not being there.

Yeah. It was like, he found this ad for an app that was like, I bet it doesn't exist anymore, but it was like Uber, but for massagers. So they'll come to your house if you press a button and massage you. Yeah. And I was like, so it was to be like $80 for one person, but it was like $80 for two people was the promotion. They're like, all right.

Yeah. Let's get a massage. We'll each pay 40 bucks and get a massage. And somebody came to the house, massaged us and left. An hour long each? Yeah. That's kind of amazing. I wonder if that app still exists.

Did you guys, where did they set up the table? In the old recording studio. All right. Anyway, you can find this, I think it looks like it's onedowndog.com slash massage. Oh, that's how you found it? Yeah. Cause I was doing yoga at one down dog. And they're like, by the way, I got a newsletter and I was like, I've always wanted to do

a massage. One down dog.com slash massage. There we go. This episode is brought to you by, you're just trying to hawk your wares for free massages. If that happens, so be it. I'm not going to stop it. All right. Let's see if we can answer a few more questions before we have to GTFO.

We got a pack. Yes. We got to go. That's true. Another dude. This one is about Omegle. Maybe we'll call him Omoliver. People still use Omegle?

I guess this guy does. Let's get into it. I'm a 22 year old guy and I've been dating the perfect girl for about two years now and I'm very happy aside from the regular things in a long-term relationship like kind of wishing you were single so you could be young and sleep with random people, etc. Recently, while getting very baked, I decided to go on Omegle and this girl showed me her tits without prompting them, without any prompt from me and I have to say, after two years of seeing the same titties, kind of gave me a rush.

Needless to say, I've been frequenting Omegle from then on in my attempts to cyber sex, have been quite fruitful. Is that cheating? Should I feel bad? What are your thoughts on this moral gray area of sorts? Love? Omoliver. Omoliver.

22 year old. Is Omegle the only one? I thought there was another one too. Chat roulette? Chat roulette. Omegle is basically you open the website and it shows you your video chatting with a stranger. Right. Is that what chat roulette is too?

Yeah. It was a website designed to meet people and I would say within 21 minutes was used primarily for cam horse. Very quickly did the porn industry use Serp Omegle? Take over chat roulette and it became a cam porn website. Very quickly. So. Tim the tool man, Taylor.

Is it illegal? No. Is it immoral? Is it cheating? I would say it's, I don't know, calling it a gray area is almost letting it skate a little too much. It's a dark gray area. Like you are going on Omegle for the express purpose of finding someone who's not your

girlfriend to get you off. Yeah. But is that like such a far cry from porn? Yeah. Where you're like I'm gonna watch a video tape of somebody else to get off. I think the difference is you can interact with this human and potentially fall in love with them. Right.

It seems to me that almost like that's true. Yeah. And like intent going both ways, right? When you, when somebody films a porno, their like intent is to make a film that gets many people off and like who knows. Right. Nameless faces. But when somebody's like on Omegle getting, giving you like showing you their breasts,

they're trying to get you specifically off. Right. Like you're both in this moment that's sexual together. I think you could always put it as like, no, that's not necessarily true. Cause like if you're, if you're just saying, if my girlfriend knew, would she be really pissed? Yeah. Because there's obviously yes.

Yeah. But then some girlfriends are mad at when guys just look at porn. Right. Or like look at somebody's butt. And I don't necessarily think that that's the healthiest. Well there's three parties that should be weighted in terms of judging things, cheating V-naught. Yes.

The one person, the man in this case. Sure. The other person, the female in this case. And then the third, a tribunal of non-partisan, non-bias judges. Is that us or is that the Omegle camp? That would be me and you or three strangers on the street or perhaps a group of friends that aren't related in any way to these people. They would each rate it on a scale of one to 10 and any score above 20 is cheating.

Doesn't this feel like just like one of those petty crimes that it's like, hey, it's not great, but it's also kind of fine. Like he's not, you're not like, hence the gray area. Yeah. You're not cheating, cheating, cheating. You're just cheating. You're cheating light. Cheating light.

And like your diet cheating. Yeah. And that keeps you... Zero calories. Here's the question, I guess. Like does this keep him from cheating on his girlfriend or is this like the door that leads to him cheating on his girlfriend? Yeah.

Is this better or worse than going to a strip club, getting a lap dance? I think worse because at a strip club, you don't ejaculate. Yeah. But you're feeling boobies rather than just seeing boobies. Yeah. But also at the strip club, people are, that's like somebody's job and frankly, it depends on the strip club if you're allowed to feel the boobies. Oh, you're not.

Sometimes you're not allowed to. During a laptop, it's like physical grinding versus short toll. Yeah. But then I think, I mean, I guess everybody would have a different opinion. I think that strip club is a little more playful because you go with a group, typically. The people are paid, they don't actually care about you. On Omegle, it's sort of like two lonely people looking for something to experience into orgasm together.

Yeah. That feels a little more intimate. So you're saying, cheating or no cheating, yay or nay, drum roll? I'm going to tell you that you, you're feeling guilty and that's the correct feeling. Do what you want with your guilt. I like the question of should I feel bad? Yes. You should feel bad.

But like if you don't, like if somebody tells you you should, do you then feel bad? I don't feel bad. Should I feel bad? I feel pretty bad. Well, you made me feel like shit. Okay. So now you feel bad for the wrong reasons. You don't feel guilty.

You feel bad. I can relate to that though. Like I'm pretty good at feeling the way people tell me to. Yeah. Just tell me to feel bad or not. All right. Feel bad. It was, I guess the general question, the general answer.

Yeah. And can you either, I think he can either make a change. I mean, you could watch porn that's like old recordings of a cam show. There you go. Yeah. And then just pretend, you memorize it so much that it's like, you're basically, just, there are also some like live cams that are, you know, with like lots and lots of people watching.

Yeah. So maybe like it's the one on one aspect that's, that's like the harder, harder pill to swallow. Yeah. All right. There you have it. One last question. Sure.

Yes. White noise. Sorry. I was deflating for a second. Let's call this guy Moisey's Alu. Huh? I know baseball players. I remember Moisey's Alu.

Moisey's Alu, son of Felipe Alu writes, my name is Moisey's Alu. I'm 23 years old and I'm living in the South. I have a boyfriend of about six months now who I really like a lot and everything seems to be going swimmingly except for one thing. He's always been really interested in 60s culture, obsessed with madmen, collects old records, all that jazz. And recently he bought a typewriter off a coworker. My problem lies with this typewriter.

He says he wants to bring it out with us next time we go to the park and write on it publicly, like in front of people. I just don't think I can handle this. The thought of it just makes me cringe. Am I a bad person because I feel like I would be horrifically embarrassed if I was seen in public with my boyfriend typing on a typewriter? I just feel like they're laughably outdated. You're lugging an incredibly loud 15 pound metal machine around a park that you could

just use, you could just use your laptop. It's comically inconvenient to me and I truly feel embarrassed. He's even entertaining the idea. Should I express my embarrassment about this or should I just let him live his life and deal with it? Help me, please. It's an upgrade from this one of this guy brought up printing press to the pool that time.

That was way too much. Yeah. He's always bringing this like old industrial equipment. He brought a loom to a jacuzzi party. It was so weird. A freaking loom? He was weaving on a loom. I remember I saw this guy at a Benet-Mitzvah and what is he doing?

What did he bring? Like what machine did he bring? What machine was it? I'm trying to tell you. I want to know what outdated tech not there. All right. So he was boot blacking? He was legit like hot iron hammering horseshoes and horseshoes.

Yeah. Oh, he was making nails. Yeah. He was making freaking nails. Where? At the Benet-Mitzvah. Oh, my God. It's crazy.

That actually reminds me of something. The same dude? Yeah. I think it's the same dude. What was he doing and where? What he did. What he did. I'll tell you what he did first, but he dragged the world's first supercomputer.

Yeah. It's the size of a living room. That's insane. He assembled it. Where did he assemble it? I'll tell you where he assembled it. Go on. It was a social setting.

Absolutely. It was a social setting. Yes. It was a family reunion. A family reunion? Yeah. He was my cousin. He brought the fucking original computer.

The world's first computer. And you know, I actually saw him at a quinceañera. What was he doing at that? At the quinceañera, he was also doing something quite inconvenient. In terms of like... I'm quite old-worldly. Oh, I see it. He was blowing glass.

Oh. He was blowing glass. Like smoking weed out of a bong or... Uh-uh. No, he was on blowing windows and vases out of hot molten glass for a second. And this was where again? At a quinceañera. And why were you invited to that?

Why were you at the quinceañera? It was my niece Sonia. Who? My niece Sonia? At a quinceañera. At a quinceañera. And this guy? He was blowing glass.

He was blowing glass. That's really cool. That's really, really cool, man. Hey, man. That's dope, man. Nice, dude. Hey, sir. Dude.

I got a new accent. Right. Nice. Hey, sir. Dude. I got a new accent, bro. What do you think, man? What?

Yeah, man. I spent like four years in Mexico, man. It's not enough time. That's whatever, dude. You change the way you talk. Yeah, dude. Let's fucking talk differently. Sir, man.

Sir, man. Check out this offensive accent I came up with, man. It's crazy, dude. I got like a mustache, man, now. What, dude? I'm serious, dude. Whatever. Leave me alone, man.

All right. Leave me alone, dude. Let's fucking hang out, though. Sir, man. You're not good, man. Yo, page me, dude. I got like a beeper now, dude. What's the point, man?

I'll just get a fucking phone, dude. I have to fucking call you from a burner, man. He can bring a typewriter. We're out of time. Of course. Typewriters A-OK. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Would you be shamed?

Kind of ashamed. A little bit embarrassed. I mean, it's a little embarrassing, but it's not like a, it's not a deal breaker. It is kind of weird to like be at the park and imagine like... It's like a cute setting, though. You can imagine it being like in a little like... It's like a hipster chic thing.

Yeah, like a Zoey Deschanel movie or something. Yeah. Like you bring your typewriter, I'll bring my ukulele. We'll write some prose and we'll sing it together. Oh, that's fun. Let's write a poem on paper, on typewriter paper. Yeah, I think that's the vibe. So I think you should actually lean into a little bit,

curate it for your fucking boyfriend just once, pack a little picnic, a little red checker bag. Well, that's cute. You dive into the whole 40s vibe. Yeah, tell them to write something about you. And we're, yeah, we're like some really weird 40s garb. Suspenders. Way too much cloth.

Yeah, like a little Newsy hat. That's nice. And a long sleeve cloth off, off white shirt. Yeah, and big thick pants that don't have zippers because they weren't invented yet. That's right. There's bugs everywhere. Cargos or pantaloons, some sort of swimming pants.

And ride a, ride a big wheeled bicycle. Yeah, have girders, like socks with the little suspenders. It's funny to romanticize not the 60s, but like the 20s, where the 20s is one of the ugliest areas, the 10s, I guess the 10s. I'm really into the 10s recently. We should have a 10s party. Everyone dresses like your favorite thing from 1916.

I'm a penny far thing. And I a glass blower and a quinceanera. All right, cool. Take it easy a bit. This, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this. What was I saying? Oh, the opening theme song again was written and directed by Robert. And we thank him for that.

The closing one is our boy, Josh, no Joshua. He's back. Oh, shit. Becoming soon becoming our most prolific theme song writer. Thanks to you guys for writing in. Thanks to you guys for listening. We really do appreciate it. We really hope we survive these shows so that we can come back

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