If I Were You - 265: VR Porn (live in Melbourne!)

Episode Date: March 27, 2017

We discuss hitchhikers, fleshlights and sticky showers at the Athenaeum Theatre in Melbourne, Australia!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. Then please welcome Jake and Amir. Okay. Namaste. No mic, huh? So, all right, who needs it? Yeah, Streeter said some, actually, he's spread some pretty fucked up shit about our leader. Our orange leader, man.

And I'm going to set the record straight. He would have won the popular vote. He really would have if he wasn't mean. Right, his policy sort of lost him that, but he's still the president. Yeah, he's our leader. Our president and your president, actually. Yeah, every A country is his. Sorry, Austria.

No joke, I thought we were going to Austria. Yeah, yeah, yeah, we have a lot of... This entire flight over, I said, what's the sausage like in Vienna to the steward? And... Not a stewardess. No, not a stewardess. All male flight attendants are the same. All male flight attendants, right.

I thought I had deserved it, I thought I was on a gay airline. I flew here on Lufthansa, and... And how was the sausage on Lufthansa? We actually didn't have a sausage on Lufthansa. I thought it was a little bit of a sausage fest. No, I had a pie, I had a... A shepherd's pie. A shepherd's pie, and I was railed in the bathroom by a steward.

We just got here, why are we already in it? We haven't said hello to everyone. Yeah. I'm going to tell the Amir fucking a flight attendant story in a bit. Yeah. But that was just a teaser that it happened. But y'all don't know for how long. It's called the 1.6 kilometer high club over here, right?

Very nice. Thank you. Very, very nice. I actually do thank you for that. Thank you for that. And thank you for that. Namaste for that. Namaste indeed.

Yes, thank you. Tomo to you. Tomo to you as well. I appreciate it. Thank you very much. Thank you for showing deference to me. Yes. And I show vast reference to your vast deference.

Yes. Very good. Thank you. For that past reference. Oh. Thank you. Okay. This is the slam poetry hour.

How the frick are you guys? Congrats, yeah. Oh, that doesn't work, obviously not. You unplugged it completely. That's not how wires are. How is it now? Oh, even better. Oh, out.

Completely out. This is highly rehearsed and scripted. Jake does three loops around the thing and replugs it back in. Smattering of laughter is how it's... Oh, no! He's now psychic. What happened? That was fine.

Okay. Melbourne. Melbourne. Melbourne. Melbourne. How the hell are you guys? They pronounce it Melbourne. Oh, really?

Yeah. I didn't know that. Like the Bourne movies. You guys ever seen those? Yeah. Matt Damon really kills the performance in that. Over here is that called... He's like, who the fuck is Treadstone?

And you find out in every single movie, but he sort of somehow forgets every time. Yeah. He's very forgetful, Matt Damon. Yeah. He doesn't remember shit. It's funny. Like the fact that he bought a zoo. Isn't it weird that...

Yeah. Well, that's a different movie. Matt Damon and Bourne bought the zoo. No, that's a... You're thinking of We Bought a Zoo, which is a different Matt Damon movie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I'm saying I think it was the same fucking guy. Yeah, I know.

I know you think it's the same, and I'm telling you explicitly. That's what I'm saying. I'm only speaking words that explain to you that Matt Damon... Uh-huh. In Bourne Supremacy is a different character. No, it is. Supremacy is total, but identity. No.

I'm saying guy... None of the Bourne movies... What about Bourne Ultimatum? That one is about We Bought a Zoo. All right. We have to give him one. Otherwise, it would go on forever. Who yours from Adelaide?

Yeah? Holy shit. This dude has a gun. You have the only one in Australia. Holy shit. Now, when do they call it Adelaide? Hell yeah, dude. Gatellite.

I love that. Gatellite. That's really good. Thanks. Can you give me those Adaboys? It makes it sound like nothing else I say is funny. Kataboys. And that was how it started between Amira

and the male flight attendant. he made a pun so juicy I couldn't resist it really was juicy. We're having fun. The pun? It's Thursday. Yeah, that is correct. That is correct, hi, yo, absolutely hi to the yo.

Tell these guys about the show, man. Right. Who here has never, ever fucking heard our podcast before? Don't be shy, you were dragged here by a friend. Good, get the fuck out, get the fuck out. You're fine. I'm gonna win you over. Jesus.

Sorry. I'm gonna win you over a bench. I'm very excited to be here. That's okay. For those of you who said woo, for those of you listening for the first time at home, what this is is an advice show. Millennials of all ages from 18 to 21.

Oh, something just fell down behind me. I don't have to see. I actually get off to the fact that I'm the only one that doesn't know what's going on. Everybody else staring at shit that's going on behind me. It wasn't a table. Okay, yeah. I saw that.

It was two milk crates stacked on top of each other. And that, I was gonna say, the real problem is that my whiskey's gone. The water's fine. Let's go for shrimpy, everybody, shrimpy. Sorry. He fashioned a table out of two very sturdy boxes. I don't know what he did.

Oh, okay. What's the top? This is live theater. It's just a box of screws. Sorry, I was not paying attention during that entire thing. Anyway, so we're smart and people from all over the globe seek our guidance, our advice.

I don't blame them. It wouldn't. We do our best to offer it to them. Oftentimes it's Jake and I chilling in our, our little studio, recording into our microphone box, dispensing the advice all over the internet, all over the world, wide web. And sometimes we're in a room with,

very good, very nice. Sikizaki, Sikizaki. Sometimes we're in a room with over 500 of our closest friends. Will you guys join us on this journey to try to advise? We got a lot of emails from Australia, actually. People here are just as confused as Americans.

Even more so because they sound weird. You guys don't know how to say words, man. Yeah. Like it's not lift, dude. It's like elevator. Sometimes I say lift. Do you? Yeah.

Shrimpy again, everyone. Shrimpy. Is this just a Coca-Cola? It's a whiskey and Coke. And that's just a whiskey. And this is a noif. Skull, skull, skull, skull, skull, skull, skull. I'm not, I'm not sculling.

There's way too much sugar in this. I don't even want it at all. Here. All right. So that guy. You, you skull it. For those of you listening at home. Skulls, skulls, skulls, skulls, skulls, skulls, skulls, skulls,

skulls, skulls, skulls. Wow. Wow. Just a, I want to catch everyone up. If you're listening at home, skull means chug. Jake lifted up a glass of what appeared to be mostly Coke. Didn't want to skull it because he's afraid there's too much sugar in it.

Gave it to a 14-year-old tweenager. I'm just kidding, man. For the people, oh, he's diabetic. So it is pretty dangerous. All right. Oh, no, he's going to fall sick. EpiPen, EpiPen, EpiPen. That's another chant.

But thank you guys for joining us tonight. This is very exciting. We're very happy to be here. Yeah. Yeah, I know. Yeah. Woo is correct. I feel like I'm going to get a haircut on these stools, which is kind of fun.

That's nice. You already got one today. Yeah. What do you guys think of our haircuts? Real sharp. Yeah. That was about the reception we gave to the barber. Yeah.

I would say tepid. And 30 bucks. All right. So, as always. Hashtag taupe, indeed. I hold in my hand real emails from real people. What we do need is a fake name just to preserve their anonymity to get started.

If we need... Crandis? I heard Crandis. Did you hear Crandis? I heard Crandis the other night in Austin, Texas, and somehow Crandis has followed us to Melbourne, Australia. So thank you, Crandis, for coming to this show. And yes, this person's name is Crandis.

Hi, guys. I'm Crandis. Right, it's Crandis. I'm a 14-year-old. That's right. So tread lightly, fuckers. I'm a 14-year-old, and I've recently jerked off successfully for the first time.

Thousands and thousands of failed attempts. Skulls, skulls, skulls. I've finally got it fucking right. There's no wrong way. All right. My problem is that I've only jerked off to... There are... Yeah. I've only jerked off to...

I've only jerked off to VR porn. I have ejaculated four times in total to some sweet, sweet 360-degree content. What are you looking... When it's 360, are you jerking off to something behind the porn? Like, you're fucking somebody, and you're like, oh, that's an awesome sconce. I'll come to that.

Sorry, can you stop editorializing? Sorry, yeah, yeah. Oh, I wrote the e-mail. I have tried regular non-360 VR porn, and it just doesn't do it for me. Please recommend some ways to get over this problem, because I cannot imagine living a life where I can only come with a VR headset on. Love, Crandis. Let's give it up.

Love, Crandis. Let's give it up. Man, it seems dangerous. VR porn is too immersive. You're like, he's wearing a mask. Like, somebody could walk in the room. But somebody could walk in the room anyway. Yeah, but you can see it out of the corner of your eye. You can't see that when you're fully inside of a porn.

So it's better. Well, it's better for like being in the moment, but then like your mom could come in and your sister could come in and your dad could come in. And then you're like, all of a sudden, you're at your grandparents' funeral jerking off because you didn't realize that the whole service was happening all around you.

I would say don't bring the headset to that setting at all. Totally. But you're not 14. Like 14-year-olds were so connected to the devices and shit like that, you know? Yeah, their heads are stuck in the iPhones. See, you're telling me, bro. God. I'm trying to think back of when I was 14.

Yeah, what was the first thing that you jerked off to, if you don't mind me asking in this? Yeah, as long as this is a very secret conversation between two friends. Don't turn to your right. Oh! Mother? Mother.

Surely you remember. You were there, mother. You taught me everything I know. For you, spanked it first, mother. Oh, my god. Come on. I sucked her boobs, and that's fine. Your dick was fully inside your mom.

Absolutely. At one point? Yeah. Within the last year, too. What? What? What? Huh?

When? Why? How? Where? Who? Why the? First, I remember, I remember. So when I was 14, the year was 1997.

1897. 1897. I'm 134 years young. 1997. What was happening in 97? The internet was very young. Just applaud if you weren't even born in 97 yet. OK, so you have to leave.

This is an 18 and over shift. I remember there wasn't really downloading videos yet. There was mostly like porn images on the internet. Right, right. Perhaps some quick time or real video files that you had to download. That's hot. I'm still jerking off to quick time video.

Yeah, talk QT. Oh, yeah. 320 by 240. Really blurry shit. Tiny up. It's a goddamn gift, basically. It's a fucking buddy icon. Oh, man, the 14 year olds don't know what a buddy icon is.

And we had the internet. The first thing that I jerked off to was like a magazine that I found in the woods. Was it a mad folding, like the back page? No, no, it was like a penthouse. Oh, that's even better. Yeah, yeah, yeah, totally. It was awesome.

So it was magazine, then like internet video. Now you put on a headset and somebody's blowing you. And I guess you could be fucking a fleshlight. Yeah, the first time I remember, I guess I remember really jerking off to like Playboy.com image that loaded like one row of pixels at a time. Yeah. And now we're living in an era where you guys are,

we're going to be able to like print out a vagina soon enough. A 3D. Yeah, put on a headset. And then we might never need to leave our houses again. It's actually what I was thinking is that VR headsets might save society because our leader, Donald Trump, is going to save society. But go on, tell me more.

Beyond Grand Ruler Trump, imagine living in a world where everybody is hot. So for example, you really like someone's personality, but they're an uggo fugo, which is fair. Fair and fine. You put on the headset and they're a goddamn eight. So even in your wildest fantasies, there's still two points left to think.

Oh, I can't download a nine. Look at me. I was rejected from the app store by a nine. Steve Jobs said I was, quote, too chewy, which is insane because he's too dead. Yeah, that's right. I got him after all. You got the last laugh on Jobs.

So you like someone, but you're not necessarily attracted to them. You put on the headset, they look like whatever you want them to look like. So in my brain, it's Vanna White. She's blowing me, but it's actually, I don't fucking care. That's bad say jack. Or a dog that I trained to fucking suck me off.

I mean, I'm serious. I'm going to train a dog to suck my dick while I wear a headset of Vanna White blowing me. Is that illegal? I just want to catch everybody up. Is that illegal? Yes. It's animal cruelty.

Is it illegal to say it? Yes, also illegal. Really? Yep. Shit me. That's hate speech. So a 14-year-old said, I'm worried I won't be able to jerk off to anything but VR porn.

Yeah. And I guess your advice is that he can fuck a dog. See, this is exactly the type of Hillary shit that got her in trouble. It's gotcha journalism. You're putting words in my mouth. Shiller-y. I'm not going to.

Yeah, a Shiller-y rot and clit torn. I'm not going to. I would never fuck a dog. What I would do is train it to blow me. Yeah, all right. We're going blue. Already. This is that 18-and-over shit.

That's what's up. I basically, my advice to this guy, I know we've had a lot of fun tonight, but let's cut it out. There's nothing wrong. Don't resist the evolution of technology. There's nothing wrong with using a headset. This is the same email written 20 years ago as saying,

I found porn on the internet. Do you guys know what that is? And there's videos. And I'm afraid I won't be able to masturbate if it's not a video. Sure, fine. There's videos everywhere. Soon there's going to be headset VRs everywhere.

And it doesn't matter that that's what it takes to get you off because it's probably awesome. I haven't experienced it yet, but I'm ready, willing, and able. You have Google Glass in the corner and you're watching the video right now. This is a fake arm. I'm jerking myself off. I say, embrace the future.

Wear the headset. Don't worry. It's probably going to end up replacing actual intimacy. So you won't even ever have to have sex again. Yeah, you're ahead of the curve, buddy. What's your advice to this 14-year-old? I think you should download some 60 frames per second porn. You don't have to see the full immersion,

but I understand that you like high-def. So why don't we just, yeah, we'll just scale it back from there. I think that's acceptable. So just out of just to dispense some knowledge, movies are like a 24 frames per second video. Like old VHS is 30. This porn that you're talking about is so fluid, it's moving at 60 frames per second.

It's like more high-def than if you were actually fucking somebody. So it looks just like a real, but it's still a fine. You've never watched 60 frames per second porn? I've seen clips of it on the subreddit. On the subreddit? There's a 60 FPS subreddit. I love knowing just a tiny little bit about your porn habits.

That was a little snippet. We all learned, Amir is a fucking puzzle, and we're putting it together so slowly. Does anyone know what that subreddit is? What is it? What is it? It's 60 FPS porn. I know this.

I fucking use it, too. I'm a fucking mod. I'm up voting this shit. Uptook me. It's a karma blevin'. Let's give it up for Krandis one more time. Thank you, Krandis. Let's answer a question that's not about a teenager's dick.

Let's see. Finally. Let's see. Let's see. Let's see. Oh, they're all about that. Oh, fuck. Here's one about a teenager's clit.

That's fine. What a kwenki dong. I have even more legal. All right, we need a girl's name. Geef? Geet? G-E-T-E? Wow, that was so clear.

You came here to shout, Geet? All Geet Geets, motherfucker. Oh, Geet Geet got Geet. To the Geeto. To the Geet. Hey, guys, my name is... I was going to read the real fucking thing. What was that?

Fine. I'll bleep it out later. It's fucking Geet. I don't know. How did you know? My name is Geet. I'm having an issue, and my boyfriend acts like I'm overreacting.

So I wanted to get your opinions. And the opinions of a bunch of people from Melbourne. Yeah, maybe we could all weigh in together. For some background, just so you guys are caught up, we're in a long distance relationship. And a while back, we had a huge fight after a lot of little fights, because he did something that really hurt me.

And I told him I was done with him. He got really upset, and in retaliation, within an hour, took the girl I was worried about as his date to an event, and took all of our pictures off of Instagram. That's going to happen. Low blow. Within a few days, we had everything sorted out again. We were solid.

So solid. Solid. Got it out of his system. Anyway, that's why I wrote you the email to tell you everything's good. We're all good friends. Ciao, love Geet. Ciao, freneau.

She continues, I adore him, and was just as frustrated that he had been neglecting me, and spending all his time with the girl that I mentioned above. After we worked everything out, I asked him to put our pictures back up on Instagram. Fast forward a month and a half later, and his social media still isn't fixed. No, it is.

Our anniversary was a few days ago, and he promised he'd fix it by then. Yeah, that's right. You're right to laugh. After me continuously asking him about it, he still didn't. He keeps apologizing and says he will fix it, but never does. I feel like his social media presence, sorry, I feel like his social media presents an image

that he is single. And after some things in the past, EI cheating allegations. EIEIO, no. There's so much to unpack about this girl that he brought to the event, things in his past. That makes me uncomfortable. So my question is, do you think I am overreacting?

Is it reasonable for me to want it handled, and to question why it was taking him so long to do something so simple that he knows matters to me so much? And do you think he might be dating someone else, and that's what he's hiding? Love geek. It's an interesting way to frame the question, like, do you think I'm overreacting?

I don't. I think you're upset, and I think that's normal, and I think that's fine, and he's definitely cheating on you. I think you think she's adequately reacting. Yeah, I think she's overreacting to what she perceives to be the problem. So, wait, you think he's cheating? I don't think he's cheating.

I think he's just not about to reupload 15 Instagram photos, which would show up not, you can't backdate that shit. You can't, like, call Mark Zuckerberg and be like, there was a glitch. Yeah. And a bunch of really specific Instagram photos are gone. And I have to put them back up in the order. I think, but for the most part, cheating allegations

are usually facts. Not a lot of people like... He did instantly take her to a date prom, date dance thing. Nobody ever is like, I hooked up with your boyfriend as a lie, right? That's usually pretty accurate. I'm not trying to lie and say I hooked up with him.

If I do that, it's like me being really, really honest. Who said he hooked up with anybody? That's the fucking allegations. It's in the middle of the email. Oh, but she can't prove it. I eat cheating allegations. Who do you think was allocated? I think that the allegations were on this dude

and the girl that he took to the event. And you think they're founded allegations? I think they're allegation facts. Oh. I think it's fake news. I think it's... I absolutely think it's fake news and I think it's sad. And the only way you would know about it

is by wiretapping this girl. And I really think you wiretapped her and asked me how I know. How do you know? I saw it, I read it. On where? I read lots of things. I actually have a very good brain.

Anything else? WikiLeaks. Ha ha ha. Champadesta. Thank you, Anthony Weiner. So let's try to answer these one at a time. My question is, do you think I'm overreacting? No.

Do you guys think she's overreacting? No. A little bit? I guess round of applause overreacting. But it's not a question about her overreacting. She's reacting to the wrong shit. She's like, I'm pissed that he's not reuploaded the photos to Instagram.

Be pissed that he's actively cheating on you with somebody else. Like, react to that. So fine, she's overreacting to the Instagram thing. Next question. Is it reasonable for me to want it handled? No, because this is not the fucking problem. If he posts the 15 pictures.

This is one of the questions? No, I'm just saying. All right, this is her brain. He reposts literally 15 to 30 pictures of us. Back to back. To back. To back. To back.

To back. To back. To back. To back. To back. To back. That girl goes away because, hey, I don't want to be with you

if you're fucking posting 35 pictures of your girl in a row. I guess that's actually kind of true. That would be like a little bit of a magic pill right there. Do you think he might be dating someone else? Well, not dating, but fucking, yes. I wonder what went down at that prom. What makes you think it was a prom?

What's the Australian prom? We get, we get... What? Deb? Formal? Deb. Formal. Debutant.

They said formal. Yeah, but I've heard some Debs. And I heard some Debs in emails before, yeah. Did Debs say formal? And Formal said Debs. Formal said Deb, yeah. I actually debuted once. No shit.

Yeah, I revealed myself. To thunderous booze. Uh-huh. It was a Walt's to Walt's Gattillion and I was dressed to the nines. And it was just you and your dad there solo-dolo? I was a woman of the night that night. That's right, huh?

Indeed. Just me and my dad. I like that. Thank you. All right, so I think we help this girl out. No, we didn't, but that's fine. She gets what's going on. Follow your suspicions is what you're saying.

Break up. Break up. Jesus. It's him, though. All right, one more time for Geet. Geet, Geet, Geet. Oh, Geet, Geet, God damn. This one's...

What? What'd you say? The Game Boy. Did two people yell Game Boy? I don't know if he's here. Oh, Game Boy actually doesn't have a passport. Yeah, Game Boy, he was at customs and they were like, where's your passport?

He was like, oh, yeah. Well, Sai, I don't have any form of legal documentation. Oh, no. That's actually a really good Game Boy impression. He was detained and aggressively probed. Probed? Yeah, the thing is Game Boy's from Sudan so he couldn't travel under the Muslim ban.

Yeah, he's not allowed back in the states. Yeah. Do we have a female name for this female question? Ali, I heard Ali in the distance. Wulch? Wulch? Groach? Gulch, there's someone saying Gulch.

Croissant, I like, I like croissant. We've heard croissant before. I like croissant. All right, that's the guy that blows up the theater. Croissant's a good name for like a lady that has pigtails that resemble croissants. Would you say two croissants or is it like one croissant? It's obviously the second one.

You dumbass. Namaste. Namaste to you. And namaste to you guys. Thank you again for coming tonight. All right, croissant writes, I have a dilemma. Long story, shart. Nice.

She's doing well so far. You guys like her more than the last girl, I can tell. I picked up a hitchhiker over the summer and I ended up fucking him. Oh! How quickly? I can't ask her that. Sure.

He's a straight dime, a total smoke show, and to top it all off, he's from Prague. We chilled together for a few days and I really began to develop feelings for him. And on that last day before he left me, he told me that he really liked me. Yeah, he really did. Yeah.

He used those words. I really like you. Mm-hmm. Thanks for the ride and the ride. Nice, dude. Yes, dude. Yes, dude. When he had to leave, I dropped him off on an on-ramp

on a long trip to Prague. I was like, I'm gonna go to Prague. I dropped him off on an on-ramp on I-15. Immediately run over by a semi. I really like you. I had a little cry in the Walmart bathroom. Where is I-15 in America? I-15 goes through, I believe,

it's like a northern highway through Iowa. The Midwest, perhaps? Yeah, that guy. That guy believes you about as much as I do. Actually, you know what? I-15, never mind. I think it runs north to south. A couple months, there's a...

Shut the fuck up! Nobody here fucking knows. Except for that guy, he's the goddamn Drifter. He's the Czech fucking hiker that you fucked! Back then. In America, odd number highways go north to south. Did you know that? Yes, that's why I said it fucking did.

Christ! I'm just saying. Is all. Anyway, this chick picked up a hitchhiker from Prague, and fucked him, dropped him off at a Walmart, and cried. Couple months later, he messaged me on Facebook and told me he has chlamydia. Of course.

Of absolute course. I had hardwooded a little fantasy about going to visit him in Europe, as I've never been, but he told me that it's sort of... But after he told me that he had chlamydia, it sort of filleted any feelings I had for him. I started seeing someone else, but after that went up in flames. We began Facebook messaging. The hot Prague man messaged me first.

We were talking now, and we seemed to have really great chemistry again. What would you guys do here? Should I keep messaging him? How big of a deal is it that somebody gives you a curable STD? Is it crazy for me to want to travel halfway around the world to visit him? By the way, I'm an 18-year-old girl from the western United States. All right, yeah, so I-15 runs from Sacramento to San Diego. Oh, you know, it's part of the Vegas trip, isn't it?

That's exactly right. Good man. What was his girl's name? Crissan. Let's give it up for Crissan. She really told a tale. I guess, well, you know, fair. You got chlamydia. That makes a ton of sense. I feel like the story is like, that's amazing. You fucked a hitchhiker and you only got chlamydia. Yeah, especially from Prague. It's like, check, please.

That's awesome, dude. She doesn't really be here. So this girl got chlamydia. I don't think that's grounds for divorce. I don't even think she got chlamydia. I don't even think she got married. This guy called her and said he had chlamydia, which is sort of just like some weird confession.

Impressive that he had a phone. Yeah. You picked somebody up from the side of the road. As a Prague check hitchhiker of sorts in the middle of perhaps Nevada. Perhaps? Or Arizona. Fucked her and said, I have by the BT dubs. This is going to sound cray-cray,

but I've been fucking my way across America. And somebody gave me a sexually transmitted disease. I blew 19 truckers. And what do you believe? I got the clap. It is a curable STD, right? It's like an antibiotic. Cures it. Yeah, I think it's a couple of days on the pill, whatever.

Ten days. Ten days? Wow. You're a goddamn chlamydia pro, brother. Nobody kissed that man. That's right. You can get chlamydia through kissing. I don't know if that's true at all.

I don't think it is. Perfect. Maybe she had it and gave it to him. I guess she is the kind of person that fucks hitchhikers. Hitchhikers. Yeah. That's a good question. How many hitchhikers did she fuck that month?

I would say even if it's one bad parenting. You played the parents. I think she had bad parents. Uh-huh. I think if she picked up a hitchhiker and fucked them, daddy messed up. And mommy's getting all scot-free. Mommy had a lot on her plate.

Yeah. She had other shit to deal with that generation. I think it's fine. I think you're good. You are cured of chlamydia. If you ever had it. Well, oh yeah. What?

She never specified that she had it. She just said that he had it. He had it. Makes a lot of sense. Yeah. He seemed like a nice enough guy to Facebook messenger and give her their heads up. Yeah.

That atta boy, that BT dubs. I think you should totally go to fucking Prague and get AIDS. What? That's where this is trending. That's where this is trending, man. Even if it's trending that way, there's many steps to climb before reaching the apex of AIDS Mountain. Chlamydia, herpes, genital herpes, hepatitis.

Then we're going to go back down to syphilis because that one's curable and then up to AIDS. It's like an EKG of STDs. Nice. Thank you. Is it called STIs over here? Yeah. Okay, so let me reread that question.

Even though she only mentioned it once. Would you guys say, how about round of applause for go to Prague and follow your heart? That's pretty good. Don't be shy. Can we get a round of applause for fuck this guy? He gave you an STD. I heard a lot of ladies applaud for the second one.

Really? I heard a lot of high-pitched woos for don't fuck the guy that gave you chlamydia. I don't know what that makes me think. How does that go to Prague? That's kind of funny. Of course you do. Who says don't go to Prague?

Who feels very adamant about don't go to Prague? Okay. You really don't want them to go to Prague? No. Terrible idea. Why is it a terrible idea? Why would you go to Europe? She just hates Europe.

Chlamydia is fine. What's a country without borders? You are. That's Trump's America. Why would you what? Yeah. That's what I thought. I want a case against going to Europe.

Too young? You don't know. 18? She said 18? It's called gap here. You heard the question more carefully than I did. Jesus, you guys are all amateur economists. And I love you for it.

All right. One more time for croissant for croissant. We're about halfway through with the show. So why don't we take a break? You guys can keep rolling, but at home we'll cut it off. And let's get a round of applause as we go to break for people at home. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp.

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Guys, you can hit the lights now. Oh yeah. Get get ready. I don't need to see anybody's horrified reaction to Jake's story. I've never seen so many mouths, a gape. One person's mouth was actually a grape. Huh? My mouth was a grape.

Don't lean into me so close. Just a little, a little grape. Oh yeah. A little mouth of grape. We're coming to Australia. Oh no, never mind. We're already here. Oh, that's right.

Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan. All right. Let's get serious. You guys are right. Who might have fun? I just get mad at everybody. Man, another thing. Yeah.

You're right. This is brought to you by Blue Apron. Yeah. You guys can have home cooked meals at home. Just not in Australia. Oh shit. Oh, do you guys know about a shoey? Do they know?

They fucking invented the shoey. So for those of you listening at home, somebody told us that a shoey is when you drink beer out of a shoe. And that's about the most Australian thing I can think of. Do it. Do it. Sorry. A few follow-ups. Who's your representative so I can grill them about this?

You seem to know what the fuck's going on. Is a shoey a new thing? Is a shoey a newy? It's been around for a while. People have been drinking beer. Has anybody here done a shoey? Or is it just something you... You have?

You have. And is it just beer or can you do other drinks too? It could be anything. Don't try to convince us to do it. Amir's wearing $200 sneakers. It's not happening. I'll go matzo ball soup with it. I'm just afraid about beer giving me gas.

How do you make sure that the liquid doesn't drizzle out of the porous holes of your shoe? Does it have to be like a leather boot of sorts? Just got a roll with it. Yeah. Do you think that anybody is like... Do you think they're concerned about anything when they're drinking beer out of a shoe? Like the last thing you're worried about... Like I hope this doesn't drip anywhere and get...

It's in your fucking shoe. What I'm thinking of is like stuffing my shoe with a newspaper and leaving it out on a balcony for a day. Like how do I throw away that shit? Did you throw away the shoe? You used the shoe. It's a little moist the next day but that's fine because it was beer. The shoe's not fine. It smells like fucking beer.

Not anymore. Are you wearing the shoe you did a shoey out of? Goddamn right. You threw it away. How many beers can fit in a shoe? Two. Two in the shoe. Are you talking about rule four if you do both shoes?

What's a gum boot? Is that when you fill up a boot with gum? Just chew the fucking gum? I feel like... I mean I would never do it. Would you ever do a shoey? Yeah he would. That's the fucking pitch.

Yeah! Actually you'll fucking do it right now. Jake's the man you guys. Do a fucking shoey. No. What? Of course not. Of course not.

He'll give you the shoe. Sorry. You think I'm more likely to do it out of a stranger's shoe? That's actually a good question. Would you more likely do it out of yours or a stranger's shoe? Yes, mine. But then you'd ruin your shoe. I don't fucking know that guy.

But then you'd ruin your shoe. I don't care. Do a shoey out of a shrimpy shoe or a shrimpy does a shoey out of that guy's shoe? No one's doing a shoey. Boo! I'll do a buoy. That's when you boo out of my shoe. And it's off.

Fill it with a beer. Somebody, oh quick. Boo! It works. What if we just put a whiskey in the top? Oh that's nice. And then you could at least pose for a photo. A shoddy.

A faux shoey. Alright, we need, I'm going to point at someone and you give me a 23 year old male man's name. I know, I want to point to someone. How about first rose, second story over there? Shoey! Very original. Shoey, Dewey and Louie. Shoey writes, I'm a 23 year old male.

My friend is a 22 year old female. I'm gay. She's straight. We were talking about sex while she was doing my nails. We're wondering if it's- It's fine. We're wondering- Sorry.

No please. Alright, grow up. That's fine, that's all. We're wondering if it still counts if I were to put a flashlight inside of her and then go ham on the light. I- Does he want it to count or not? Like, where's he coming from? Canada.

So for those of you who are confused a little bit, a flashlight is, I don't know, Jake describe it, you fucked one before. Oh come on. It's a- I mean it looks like a flashlight and it's a- What would you say the diameter is? Actually, let's keep it simple. What's the radius? I don't know what either of those words mean.

Alright, give me the circumference and I'll sort of reverse engineer the area of the circle of the fresh light. Nine. That is enormous. Really? No, what would you say it's the thickness of a can of Coke? Yeah, it's like a little bit more of this, right? So his question is if he shoves that water bottle sized light. It's like the top of this glass.

Okay, the top of a, let's say, airline cup. Sure. Yeah, okay. If he puts that water bottle on the top of this glass. Let's say airline cup. Sure, yeah. If he puts that inside of his gay friend's vagina. So she's straight, he's gay.

Okay, and he fucks the light. Is that sex? It's something worse. I don't want to judge anybody, you know? But that's not beneficial. Because what's like- You should just put the flesh light somewhere else. Yeah, like her ass.

It's like a little gay to straight converter. So he puts the vagina- Now we're in Mike Pence's America. Absolutely. Y'all know about Trump, but you don't know about our vice president. You want to talk about conversion. I mean, I can't plug my phone into the wall here without a little adapter. Yeah, so you end up sticking a flesh light in it, fucking the outlet.

That's electric. It's electric. Wiggy, wiggy, wiggy. Okay, so the question is, if he fucks a flesh light that's inside of a woman, is it sex? You're saying- Can we get a round of applause for yes, that's sex? It is. Can we get a round of applause for no, that's not sex?

I feel like the same people just didn't stop applauding. It's just a really, really, really thick condom. It's a condom made of plastic with a silicon lining. That's what it is. I think there's too much of a buffer there for it to be sex. Sex is electricity, and that's too much of a- What's the opposite of a conductor? Insulator.

That's right. So if you were dating somebody, you're like, hey, I want to hear about your past sexual partners. And the girl was like, well, I fucked one drifter from Prague. Okay. And then I also- I jerked off to a lot of VR porn, you're like, well, that's not sex, don't worry. That's not sex, yeah, that's fine. And also I held a flesh light inside my vagina and someone fucked it. You would be like, that's not sex?

This is what I would say. It's sex for the girl that got penetrated, but it's not sex for the guy that fucked the flesh light. No, fuck you. That actually- No, no, no, just kidding. That was pretty, like, not woke of you. The girl got penetrated, but the guy didn't penetrate a girl. He did penetrate- this dick was inside the vagina, inside the flesh light.

What do you say is that- that's double penetration. But let's say the flesh light is ten inches long and only two inches are inside of her, and then he penetrates it six inches. So there's still two- two inches of vertical displacement where the dick did not penetrate the vaginal opening. So she, yes, had sex, but he- No! Did not. And I said, fuck you!

Absolutely not. You're editorializing where the flesh light's sitting in her vagina. You're- you're saying that you- that it's two inches- Today, Junior! You guys don't applaud like he came up with that originally. They're too young to see it. How about, I think, we both sort of- let's- you make your case, I've made mine, and then we'll have the jury decide. Alright.

I forget what I'm arguing for. You're saying it's sex for both parties. Your honor. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury. Are there juries in Australia? Wow, you just lost them. Fuck! Fuck, mate!

I really- I didn't- you go first. I'm gonna- I'm gonna seat the floor. Alright. I do better with the counter-argument. Guys, you look great tonight. Your- your penis is fully out. Absolutely. Inside of flesh light. Sex, as I in the dictionary defines it, is penetration.

Of course, we've all been there before or not, it's fine. No, you need to judge. Was the woman penetrated? Yes, he says the flesh light entered her. Did the man enter the woman? Not necessarily. I posit to this court that the man did not actually penetrate the woman, for he fucked the flesh light. And as far as I understand it, the flesh light is a flashlight-length, phallus device,

with a sponge tip shaped like either a coin slot, an anus, or a vagina. And he was able to enter it and exit without necessarily entering or exiting the vagina at questions. So, in my understanding, and I assume if you're intelligent to yours, objection, leading the witness, sustained. Anyway, I think that- Sorry, the objection was sustained. Yes, but I sort of brushed it off because my point was made. Order. Order.

Absolutely order. Did the woman have sex? Yes. I'm not here to question that. Did the man have sex with the woman? Hell, I'm a normal intelligent person and I say no. And now let's hear from an idiot. Sorry, the defendant. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you're looking hot as fuck tonight.

Let me ask you a question. Man explored the outer reaches of space. He wore a space suit. A couple inches thick there. Did man not penetrate the outer reaches of the known universe? Did man not walk on the goddamn moon and plant the goddamn American flag on its surface? Irrelevant. Irrelevant. I rust my fucking case.

All right. Now... So, let's hear about- Remember, a plot for what you truly believe now was for the coolest. Who here thinks that the man, much like Jake, Jake agrees with this, the man who here thinks, applaud and don't applaud for both, who here thinks the man had sex with this woman?

And who here thinks that the man didn't have sex with this woman? God damn it. Well, it's too close to call, in my opinion. You know who else lost the popular vote? All right. Thanks, guys, for walking us down. What I want to say is memory lane, though I never have any recollection of what just happened. Do you guys have time to answer one more question? Good.

What? Gameboy? I'll read the question as the Gameboy. Oh, that's really nice. Gameboy, here's a question from a long-time listener from Denmark. All right. And his name is Loat. That's actually very apropos of the question,

and we'll be right back. Loat. That's actually very apropos of the question, and we'll get to that at the end. First-time writer, oh. Long-time listener from Denmark. I'm afraid this might be too distracting to read the entire question. Here's my sticky situation.

Oh, I live with my brother and my father. It's a freaking man cave. Oh. We all get along really well, but there is one problem. When my dad's done showering, and it's my turn, he always leaves clumps of semen spread all over the shower floor. His load. Load!

Usually I just spray it off, but it takes at least 10 minutes because the semen is so sticky. Now I just scrub it off with my... Now I just scrub it off with my father's washing sponge. Sweet revenge. But I'm still gagging as I... I'm still gagging as fuck.

I slipped it... I slipped on it once, and it... I slipped on it once and hit my chin against the seed. Chill. That was once you. Absolutely. From whence do you came? I almost puked, which is why I decided to write in and get your help. How the hell am I supposed to tell my dad

that he needs to clean up after himself so I don't have to step into a disgusting semen shower? Any slick way I can slip in a hint or something like that? Load! Let's get it for load. Woo! Wow. So this guy's dad, like, fucking comes Spider-Man webs out of his dick.

Ten-minute cleanup. Oh, jeez Louise. It is a clumpy little thick situation. It's like a gorilla glue just out of the urethra. Yeah. And it's... it is tough because he was once that seed. Yeah. And that's a weird place to be.

Oh yeah. You were there. What's that? Buy him a fleshlight. Buy him a fleshlight? It's not terrible. Waterproof? Flashlights? Yeah. So quickly.

Aquaman with a boner screams yes instantly. Why does he have to shower after his dad? Thank God it's not a bath. Oh, jeez Louise. I mean shower before him. That's the answer, correct? No, no, no. I mean that's a fine answer, sure.

Shower before him. Dad wakes up too early. You don't want to deal with that. This is what I say. Go ahead. You sit the dad down and be like, I've seen this seed. And he says, God, excuse me, I'm from Denmark. Go, go, go.

And then you say, that's right. My little brother, your second son's been fucking a deviant, pervert little Jew boy, jerking off into the shower. Oh, nice. And he says, oh yeah, I shall talk to him. Post haste. The dad fake talks to the fucking son about, I don't know what people in Danish do, talk about.

Danishes, I assume. The dad then says, holy shit, I got away with murder. I'm going to stop jerking off, or buy a waterproof fleshlight available only on the headgum store. What do you think about that? What do you think about that? Yeah. So H on one side, the lightning bolt over the slit.

Yeah, and then, well the slit should be your mouth. Absolute, wait, what? Your little face, it'll be a fleshlight with glasses at the top of it. And a beard. And a beard below. My beard does look like a mom's pubis anyway. So it stands to reason. Come on, your beard looks great.

Give it up for Amir's beard. Thanks man, I needed that. Yeah, of course. What about just letting the dad jerk off in the shower and not cleaning it up, sort of making a little drizzle castle of jizz. Oh, that's good. To the point where, yeah, the semen sort of freezes over the water. That's nice.

And then the shower is completely unusable. The dad sort of has to act at that point. Or, yeah, you build that little castle of sticky seed, then you take women's little eggs and you pour it all over the castle. God damn it, science has been there. It's pretty soon. There is just fee-tie growing. Hither and thither in the shower.

Hither and sisters and it's no longer a man cave, it's a family cave. And I think that's the most important cave of all. Good night everybody. Did you guys have fun tonight? So did we. Australia, Melbourne specifically. You guys have been such an amazing crowd. Thank you so much for coming out.

And thanks again for Streeter for doing stand-up comedy at the beginning of the show. And thanks to WeAreNice.co.au for bringing us again. Thank you again so much for coming. We really appreciate it. Thank you everybody. Good night, good night, good night, good night, good night.