If I Were You - 266: Danish

Episode Date: March 30, 2017

In this episode, we discuss cartoons, pastries, and the morning after. Live from Amir's house!This episode brought to you by Article.com. Head to article.com/ifiwereyou for $50 off your purchase of $100 or more. Video also available on youtube.com/ifiwereyoushowSee omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. This very special episode of If I Were You is brought to you by article.com. That is correct. Article makes amazing furniture, and if you're watching this episode, because we're videoing it, that's why it's extra special, you can see us sitting on an article couch. And this isn't just any article couch. This is your article couch. We are in your house.

That's correct. Thank you so much for having me. We've been trying to get over here for a fort year. I haven't eaten for 20 years. Yes, absolutely. Two weeks worth of years. This is an article couch. That is the article Nord chair, another article leather chair.

Article has stuff for your bedroom, your living room, your dining room, a little bit of everything. You're outside. Do you have an outside? We have an outside. They got you for that too. This is an article rug. So if you're listening to us and not watching this, you can only go by the descriptions we're giving you, but we are putting this video on YouTube so you can physically see.

And I mean, it is, it is, it is soft. That's my shirt. Nice to that. That's my shirt. I'm talking. Yeah. That's my shirt. All right.

So if you're in the need of a sofa, a chair, a table of any kind, we highly recommend article. You can see it on their website, article.com. You can see it on this video. And if you want to get $50 off your first article order, go to article.com slash if I were you. Open up a new tab. That's article.com slash if I were you, $49 flat rate shipping. That's a nice shipping deal.

All right. Coming from a guy who moves weight across the country, that's a pretty good shipping deal. And it's $50 off if you go to article.com slash if I were you. So if you're in the need of upgrading any type of furniture in your home, if you want to have the same couch as Amir Blumenfeld himself, who I should look up my exact sofa so you can, you can, we can be couch twins of sorts. It's the Sene Volcanic Gray Sofa.

That is true. Go to article.com slash if I were you. Thank you to article for bringing us not only back on a Thursday, but as part of a video episode. Yeah. Tota article. Let's get this. Starticle.

Nice. Yes. One second. I have to play this song. Sure. See you like starticle, right? How does a ragtag uninvolved podcast in need of some sponsors somehow provide me with insightful answers?

How do they emerge with jokes and folks in satire alleviating me from a situation that dire? Oh, turns out they don't mind being rude. One immigrant American who's happy to compute and his buddy who loves him despite the lack of reciprocity. Everyone give it up for the internet's biggest curiosity. Take it in me. They're taking your ears by surprise, giving advice, trying to save lives.

Take it in me. And they're going to see the cheese wearing me and these acting coins for the Game Boy. Take it in me. Just don't laugh and do it. Relax and do it. Just hang and do it. Take it in me. I'm going to down the podcast.

Take it in me. I'm going to get some ass. Holy shit. And that was the inspiration for Hamilton. No, Hamilton. No, Hamilton because the song was seven to eleven days ago. Well, when did we get this? And when did Hamilton come out?

Years ago. Right. Well, we don't know when she's when she wrote this song. It says it's a Hamilton. Don't try to act like you're cracking a case. a case you're not right this is she said I wrote a Hamilton theme theme song uh-huh original I know I can't quite spit bars like David digs who's the actor in the show okay but what are you gonna do best Nikita so this is like a case of

he said she said but no but it's everyone saying the same thing so I'm I said and she said are both agreeing but what I'm saying and then there's like this third even dumber voice that's saying actually that's not true I'm just saying we don't know all of the facts because she didn't say exactly we know when the email was sent but not when the song was written okay so should I just fake agree with you would that give you enough of a win to shut up I guess so I think you could be right that's pretty neat and just to play devil's advocate oh my god when did because I think you're playing Hamilton came out

recently you're playing angels advocate and everyone is the angel alright and you're a devil I think I think Lynn Manuel Miranda wrote the Hamilton shit a long time ago correct I think I don't know if this song call it the Hamilton shit it's like one of the most well respected pieces of anything ever yeah so when you say he wrote the Hamilton shit yeah it makes it sound like it's a tweet or like something that like was casually tossed aside one day did you see hairspray that one's neat too that one that one this the musical what that one about it's the motion of the ocean in the end of the night

try to stop so that one was by Nikita thank you we got a hairspray Nikita if you're listening will you write another one we want more this one hair spray related it's funny you can't stop the cast you think anyone's ever seen hair and then hairspray. Oh good question. It's called the the hair double feature. I was trying to think of a really shitty musical and I couldn't and I guess that's because the shitty ones you forget and don't see right? Or like the shitty ones never even make it to Broadway. Yeah like is there is there a notoriously bad musical? Cats? I know that one has made fun of a lot but is it considered bad? Yeah I mean it's see I've never saw it. Les Mis. Is that one considered not good? Is that one

basic? Oh my god. Is Les Mis basic? Hold on. Buzzfeed says it's not. But there's a fucking video of Hugh Jackman fucking ordering a latte at Starbucks. Really? Is Logan basic? Huge jacked man. The most basic man of all. This is a fire you. The only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us. I'm Amir. Jake. We are in my home. Yes. This is my new house. It's your new sofa. We are doing this as a video as well so you can watch it later. You can watch it now. If you're at the gym you don't have to like pause and then start searching for YouTube and stuff like that. I'd say you do. Okay pause and search for YouTube. Search for YouTube. Yeah it's it'll be on the head gum or if I were you. Are you guys catching can you see how empty the

wall is back there? Yeah you think I should get a nice piece. I think you should get a piece. Yeah like a really nice piece. A framed photo of some peas. What about uh what? I was gonna do like a black light of Belushi drinking whiskey. Oh that's cool. So like you can't see it unless there's a black light. You know what? It's like a couple shelves and then like every can of beer like if you ever finish a can of beer. I've never finished a can but I can dump the Rhett like a wounded soldier. Yeah it doesn't matter. Yeah you just even if you just crack it and then stack it. So a full yeah a full open can of beer. You ever do like a staff party where it's like you every time you drink a beer you you don't have it to a staff you know and you have

like you look like a wizard because you got a fucking like 30. Have you ever done Edward 40 hands? Oh yeah. So like you're drinking malt liquor and then like instead of liquor. It's taped to your hands. Yeah it's taped to your hands. So right over here I was gonna put like a poster of that. I don't drink beer. You got your ass kicked a lot in college. Yeah I was nearly beaten to death nine times. You shut up with Edward 40 hands at the dining hall for breakfast. What about instead of beer it's like a can of tuna. So like all the wounded. So you're just like a hoarder. All the wounded fish soldiers. Yeah and what if you just shit into bags so you don't have to flush it down the toilet and put it in the freezer. That's cool. You don't like to get rid of shit. Wait you're

talking about art now or just composting. Whatever if I'm not taking a dump on the floor then I'm not doing it right. So despite the fact that this is a very special episode of this here podcast. It's going to be a little traditional too. As always these are real emails from real people. You know what I did is I searched the word couch in our email box. Very nice. A lot of questions around this sphere. A lot of silly things happen on a couch. Yeah it's kind of like a sexy item of furniture because like before you go into the bedroom there's always a little couch time. Yeah you got to do some petting on the sofa. It's the make or break furniture. You said couch not sofa. Yeah oh what's the difference. I don't think there is a difference but there is a difference in the

people this different types of people say sofa versus couch. So is it like an east coast. I'm a guy that says both. I don't like to be tied down. You're so afraid to make a commitment to anything. You think that makes it off times. I'll just call it seating. So you'll say I like to play Kate and vacate and vape Kate. Yeah. How is Kate doing. She's high. Absolutely. That's right. All right. We need a female's name. Trisket. What. Bean. Cool man. And you wanted me to what come up with the name. Jessica Dorff. What was the yelling for. Huh. 30 seconds ago you yelled Trisket bean.

You said you have a name and then I said Jessica something Jessica Dorff. All right. Huh. Trisket. What's happening. Need advice. SOS. So there's this guy who's my friend and he comes over to watch movies and smoke weed a lot. Tonight he texts me and asks me my plans and then invites himself over. So he comes over and we get stoned and we watch the Flintstones cartoon or movie the film. Probably the cartoon. Then he falls asleep and wakes up at the end. Awesome. Maybe it is the movie. I think it's a movie. I asked him if he's staying here tonight and then I asked him if he wants to stay stay with me in my bed to stay warmer. Yabba dabba doo. Nice. He kind of just. Flintstones. Sorry. He kind of just asked me if I'm skiing tomorrow then falls asleep on my

couch. Question mark. I've had a huge crush on him for so long and I feel so rejected. So my question is do I still have hope. Help. He is so hard to understand because he is always stoned. Oh. So this stoner watches the Flintstones. Stone. And then he's out cold and then he wants to know if this lady's going skiing. I don't think she's hit bedrock bottom. Bam bam. Very nice. Very nice. Oh you know what. Sorry she's watching the Jetsons. Oh okay. Of course the fucking boy. His boy Jetson and Elroy. Elroy. You know Elron Hubbard was named after Elroy. Really. Yeah. It's real name is Elroy Heboird. Elroy Hubbard. Yeah that's right. Futuristic. All right. So yeah. Do you have any experience with confused stoner guys that just

don't really make sense because they just get high and fall asleep and then. Yeah I don't I it feels to me as if weed is a little bit of a less sexy drug. You never like get stoned and then you're like oh I'm feeling randy now. Well I don't but I'm sure for some people do. I mean maybe like I like you see hippies in the 70s. Right. Sure. Getting high and then making a house. Making love. Yeah. But I still don't I don't think it's like a good hookup drug. You like the uppers. I do like the uppers. I'm all about just like a nice glass of wine. Crystal meth. Blow two rails. Oh my god. Crack. And you're fucking feeling freaky. Why the wine. It seems like you don't you don't eat the Merlot aspect of that in some of that because that

absolutely I'm all about. I'm the drug cocktail. A rich full bodied red. And so is she. I can't fucking breathe. And I'm a slender white. What. That's you as a wine. But how would you describe the wine as slender. If it's got if it's really really thin. It's a borderline watery white. So white. Barely a grape. I think that there's still perhaps hope. But doesn't it feel like you got to do sexier things if you like somebody. Don't just like invite them over to watch cartoons and get stoned on your couch. That could be a sexy thing watching TV sitting on a couch. You just said that that's not true. That could be a sexy thing watching TV. Yeah. It's not sexy. It could be if you're watching a movie together watching on a TV then you sit

closer than you're watching then you're maybe holding hands cuddling closer and closer depending on the movie depending on the darkness of the room. I think watching a movie or TV can be sexy. I don't think it can be as sexy as going out and getting a drink. But that's that's a night on the town. That's not necessarily sexy either. I mean it can go both ways. That's in public. So like how much how much sexy time can you have when you're out and about in a while. You get drunk. You kiss kissy. You hand hold. There's a little canoodling and then you say let's get out of here. Let's go back to my place. Oh actually getting him out might be a good idea because it seems like he's a narcoleptic stoner man who will fall asleep. Do you want an appetizer. This guy's just passing out.

Oh actually this guy's just constantly asleep. He's a sleepy stoner man. So maybe that'll be the way to do it. Like test him out by getting dragging him away. Buy him a vodka red bull. Just wake him up. A five hour. He needs. Yeah if he has a five hour energy it'll be like a limitless pill for him. You won't know what to do. Speaking Mandarin. Oh is that what it is. You just learn language quickly. You can do everything quickly. That's the five hour energy difference. I've had a crush on her for so long I feel so rejected. My question is do I have hope. I think she still has hope because otherwise he wouldn't even go over. Yeah I think there's like the fact that he's sleeping on your couch is at least like no door has been shut. Yeah and it's so hard to understand because

he's always stoned. He might be stoned if you drag him out of the home but at the very least he won't be falling asleep. Yeah and if he is falling asleep maybe you should stop having a crush on him. Totally. If he's asleep all the time. Yeah that means he's dead. He's a narcoleptic stoner. That wouldn't be good. All right so that's a that was quick and painless. Easy one. Thanks Sally for writing that in. Do you have. Actually her name was something else by the end. I see Jessica or Trisket. Oh yeah thank you Jessica or Trisket Bean for writing in. Thank you. Do you have a guy's name for us. Dale. So many vowels. Dale. Dale. Macaroon. You know you shouldn't scream. I didn't. It is funny that we're having a conversation

both sitting on a couch facing the same way. Yeah it's tough. Actually do you mind if we watch the Flintstones. As long as I'm baked and out. Out cold and out holding me. Barney's always ruining shit for Fred. I'm serious. Kick this guy out of the curb. Actually speaking of kicking people out to the curb. What is this guy's name. Dale. Dale writes Cruton with this girl for two years. Danish. All right I forgot about your new snacks. So in a salad you have little Danish croutons and you'll mix that into a kale, Caesar or a cob. And sometimes I'll omit the kale. Sometimes it's just the Danish. So little Danish croutons or just the size of it. Oftentimes I'm more into just having a Danish or three. So no salad, no croutons, just a Danish and sometimes

three Danish's. Oftentimes three Danish's. What'd you have for breakfast this morning. Four or five So you've had three. You've had four Danish's. I had five Danish's. I said four or five. I gave myself a little leeway. It was five. If I'm being dead serious with you it was six. And I resent the line of questioning. Let's break for lunch. I packed nine Danish's. It's like a Big Mac but literally every ingredient is a Danish, including the bun, which is two Danish's each. A Danish sandwich. Let's make this Danish. That's when you replace it with a Danish. You want to go Dutch on this Danish? I really don't know what a Danish is to be fully honest. It's like a flattened sweet croissant often filled with cheese.

Cheese? Oh no, I'm lactose intolerant. They don't have cream. I guess it's like a creamy, cheesy middle. I think what I want, I think what I need is a Cinnabon. Is that not a Danish? That's a good question. New tab. Oh, you're getting glaze on my keyboard. You fucking glazer. You got glaze on the home key. You got glaze on the bottom row. So one key and the bottom row. Yeah, the home key. The top row. The home keys, the H, the O, the M, and the E. The E key. Here's a crazy thing. You could probably type without looking,

but can you name every letter on the bottom row of a keyboard? Sure. I don't even want you to go in order. Z, B, L, M, O, Q. Did I get one? Z was correct. Can you name what's next to the Z? R. So wrong. R is a top row key. Just imagine, start right at what? It's X. Got it wrong. All right, X, that's correct. Z, X, C. Correct. Blank, blank, M, N. Blank, blank, N, and then M. L? No. No. L. Come on, who is thick? You've typed out a fucking keyboard before. The problem is you don't set your keyboard to QWERTY, which is the international standard. Jake goes alphabetical only. V? No way. My keyboard's different. It has to be. It has to be. Z, X, C, V, B, N, M.

Interesting. You can type without looking, but you never like list. I wonder if you could do the middle row, because that's a little easier. Yeah, A, S, D, F. Okay, so now you're just, this is an I exam at this point. We're on video. Can you do the top row? That one's impossible. Well, QWERTY is obviously on top. Oh yeah, totally. All right, focus. Sure. This guy, Dale, writes, I've been living with a girl for two years, and we got to the point where I want our relationship to end. Here are the deets. We met on Tinder, and I immediately moved in. I was in a dorm room, and she was in an apartment. And after we met, or moved in, like not making a move, moved in like, oh, they live together.

I got it. And after I met her, I never went back to my dorm. When I wanted to move back home, she came with me. So we've been together and living together for two years. We talked about moving out next month, but lo and behold, her friend backed out at the last second. That was my out, dammit. So now I'm back to where I was to begin with. I want to break up. But since we moved across the state, she has nowhere to go if we break up. We are living in my house, so I don't know what to do. Do I tell her ahead of time and awkwardly stay roommates while she's looking for a place to stay? Do I force her to go couch surfing until she gets her own place? Do I couch surf until she gets her own place? What the hey do I do? Love, I don't know,

Dale Trisket Bean. Something like that. No, it wasn't Trisket Bean. Danish. Danish. Have you ever had a Danish? No. I just found out what one was. I really like we haven't talked about that enough. So the living together breakup, who leaves? How do you leave? What do you do? You kick someone to the curb. You kick yourself to the curb. It's like a growing up thing, because now I know the answer. I've been through this. You've been through this. Yeah. And what's the answer? You leave. You leave. The person who breaks up leaves. Yeah, because you don't want to say I break up and also you get your shit. You say we are breaking up. This is really unfortunate. I'm going to get out of your hair, you do your thing, find a new

place to live. Yeah, and then you find an intermediate, because you're not... I didn't move all my shit like that day. I'm like, I will go away. Here's your space. You have the time to do what you need to do. See, this would be a more interesting question if this guy was like, I broke up with her. I said, I left. I was like, take your time, find a new spot, and it's been four months. What do I do? I've heard about the we broke up but still live together situation. Don't do that. That's a hard situation. It's not good. That's a bad situation. No bueno. That's not a good place to be. No. So you leave, she stays, you find an intermediate place, a friend, an air bed and bed breakfast, and then you sleep there. It is weird that that's the full

name of the company, huh? Yeah, great idea for a company, weird name. Of course. You know, when you stay at a place, it's a bed. Right. So this is an air B and B. Oh, I see. And the host will cook me breakfast? No. Okay, I'm in. Any questions about the air part? No wonder that company's going under. It's actually doing pretty well. Really? I could have been an early fucking investor. Didn't appreciate the name, so I backed out. All right, so the advice quite simply is, you want to break up. Yeah. You leave. You got to go. She stays, she figures her stuff out. Hopefully she doesn't spend months and months there. Yeah, can you implement a time limit? You're like, hey, I'm going to leave for a month or I'm going to leave for two weeks and like,

that should be enough time. Yeah. Yeah, but then what if she's like, no, I want to stay, you leave forever. Well, then I guess, I mean, I feel like oftentimes people that are sharing an apartment can't afford it on their own. Right. They'd have to find a replacement. Yeah. I don't think it's a one bedroom. It's rare that it's like two people fighting to stay in the place. Right. And there's awesome place. Yeah. And I think that's a reason why a lot of people jump the gun on moving in together is like, you know, if we pool our money together, we don't have to have roommates, we can get a dope ass one bedroom together. Yeah. And then you move in, you do that, your house is awesome, but you realize you don't like each other and you're like, okay, well, we have to move out,

but I have to leave this awesome place now. I want to break up with you, not the house. Yeah, I like the house. Can you keep on paying your half the rent? Is that legal? Yeah, it's legal to pay it. It's just unfortunate. No one would do it. It's unfortunate to have it legal to pay it, sad to rent it, good to lease it, okay to own, fine to default, and bad to go to debtor's prison. Why fine to default? I didn't know, like my dad always told me that, but like that quote doesn't make sense actually. Yeah, let's credit karma, your score is, oh, very low, my wrist is broken. Actually, with all of our ailments, they usually happen in the bottom half of our body. I don't know what happened if I hurt myself from the waist up. You got stitches in

your pinky the other week. That didn't help. That was an example of it. Yeah, both of my feet are injured right now. That's not good. I walk around like a fucking pirate that has two peg legs. Yeah, because he's so unsteady and scared. Because limping is just favoring one foot, and you can favor no feet. You're just, you're like stumbling. Weirdly enough, when I hurt my left foot and I limped on my right for the last two weeks, my right heel, my heel is hurting less and less. Oh, because you're using it more and more, it's hurting less and less. Yeah, I don't know what it is, but I'm like, maybe I'm limping in a new way or starting to favor my right foot instead. Oh, because for so long, I have no idea what it is, but for whatever reason, right foot's feeling good.

Left one's hurt. Interesting. And in a totally new place, the top of it. You never really think about the top of your foot. Yeah, like I'm walking on the bottom. Yeah. Why does the top hurt? What's going on at the top of a foot? What's going on there? God, that does hurt. Yeah, your turf toe or what are we thinking? Yeah, I turf toeed it. So that means you bent your like big toe back. Yeah, it's sort of like rolling your ankle, except it's like rolling your toe. My, my, I hyperextended my right toe. Yeah. So if your foot was a body, you hurt the foot of your foot. Oh, very nice. But that's enough. I'm just saying, like, your feet hurt so much, even your foot's foot hurts. No, that's more than enough.

Man, let's move on. You're so fragile. I wonder if it looks like I'm hitting you in the video. Okay, let's try it. Well, on her camera, on that camera, Jeff, maybe on this, maybe on this camera it does. Jeff's hurt. They punch across the face. Not everything is an argument. Not everything. Yes, everything is an argument. Let's argue it. Point counterpoint. I want to take the, I want to take the position that not everything is debatable. And you agree. That is your honor. All right, the end. That's enough. Let's take a break. We'll come back. We'll answer some more questions. But we wanted to thank,

one more time, article for bringing us here, for outfitting this room, for outfitting my house, for outfitting your house fitting. We thoroughly appreciated article. And if you can take a look, if you're watching it on YouTube, you can see the quality. I mean, You can see Amir's shitty house filled with nice furniture, really. It's really putting lipstick on a pig. It's really up to the value. Absolutely, it is. I love the Nord chair. I love this Sene volcanic gray sofa, this leather chair. I have a dining table, dining chairs. They have bed stuff. Recently, they got outdoor furniture that they didn't have available when I started ordering for my home. How do you feel when you, I know oftentimes when

you're at home, you're lonely, scared, depressed, angry, and sometimes hangry. Yeah. And he depressed. That's when I'm hangry and depressed. I'm he pressed. I'm starving and sad, and mad. Serving and mad. It's sad thing. And had. That's when you're hungry and mad. Yeah. And I'm glad. Which is not what it sounds like. That's when I'm eating grapes with a lad. But do you enjoy the feel of the sofa? Is it a cozy sofa? I mean, we got kind of lucky because we were just blindly trusting article to send us comfortable furniture. We knew it looked great, but we didn't know it. And that's another they don't have showrooms, which allows them to not mark up their furniture. So the the couch that we're sitting on was a cheaper couch than the one

that you had originally bought less than a thousand dollars. Yeah, less than a thousand dollars. And we're here to tell you that you don't have to worry. You don't have to be afraid that these sofas and chairs aren't comfortable. We sat on it. We took the risk right away because we're trying them out and they're great. Yeah. They're very comfortable. And everything they have is pretty darn sturdy. When I was doing furniture shopping, you know, I was browsing around and some pieces looked great. But then when they got here, they weren't great. Right, right. All these pieces are very sturdy and they're actually built well and they're actually comfortable and they look good and they're inexpensive because they don't have a store. What they do have is people like

me and Jake telling you about them. That's what's up. So if you want to, I don't know, maybe get a dresser for your bedroom or a bench or a dining room table, you don't have to break the bank. You can go to article.com. What's that? I just said coffee table. Got it. They're nice. You can go to article.com slash if I were you. And not only are the prices low, but you get an extra $50 off if you use that URL. That's correct. So go to article.com slash if I were you browse their collection. I mean, this is a really nice bed. I don't know what to tell you guys. Their stuff is really well made. Go to their website and see what we're seeing this second. And I feel like if you're at the point where you're ready to graduate from an Ikea type store, I mean this dresser,

the Kola, the Kola collection. Oh my God. You don't have to spend a lot of money for some awesome furniture, especially if you go to article.com slash if I were you $50 off. And what did you say? It was like $49 flat rate shipping. Yeah, you don't have to pay an arm and a leg for shipping. And they came here and assembled the furniture. So I didn't have to assemble. White glove brother. Yeah, that was it. That was a solid get to check them out. Can't can't recommend them enough. They also call you. This is the last thing I'll say. Okay, this one is this one, even a talking point, but they call you to schedule your delivery and they're so flexible. Like we I scheduled my delivery, like I reached I had to reschedule it. I had to like change a

change the address on one of them. It was great. It's funny because you did write the addresses on them. Perfect. Yeah, but you just had to change them a little bit. Yeah, just a little just I flipped the script. Yeah, I wanted I wanted I just wanted to test them out and incredible. They passed. So thanks article and check them out. Do do check them out whether you need I don't know anything in your in your house. They're they're great. What else can we say? This show is sponsored by better help. Thank you better help. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation, talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place. And it's not necessarily easy to find a

therapist, especially one in your area. But better help makes that all easy because it's online therapy designed to be convenient, flexible and suitable to your schedule. You just fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapists at any time for no additional charge. It's incredibly helpful. Therapy has helped millions of people over thousands of years. So give therapy a try. It can give you the tools to find a more balanced life. I've tried therapy. It's been very helpful. So you can find that balance better with better help. All you got to do is go to better help.com slash if I were you, you do that today, you can get 10% off your first month. So the prices are already affordable because you're not paying

rent for a building somewhere that you have to drive to and wait in a waiting room. This is done entirely online, but you're still getting professional licensed help. And it's extra affordable. That's better help, h-e-l-p.com slash if I were you. Check them out. Thanks, better help. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Wow. For years and years and years, we've been ranting and raving about Squarespace because it's the best way for dummies like me and potentially you that don't necessarily know how to code or design to create a professional looking website. So if you're building an online portfolio for yourself or a loved one, or you want to sell stuff online, you can do an online store. They have 24 seven live

customer support, email campaigns, data. You can even purchase a domain name through Squarespace. For example, I didn't even look this up, but there's no way you can't buy a mere Blumenfeld is a good dude.com. I bet that's available and you can have it today and you can buy it through Squarespace and build an awesome website dedicated to me or I guess dedicated to anyone else in your life. And maybe you want to give somebody a gift this season, a summer birthday coming up. Who doesn't want a website? So the best way to do that is to go to Squarespace.com slash if I were you for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain again, Squarespace.com slash if I were

you free trial, everything looks good. Let's launch it. Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you Squarespace. All right, should we try to answer a couple more questions? Let's do it. See who we can help. I saw it and I'm looking at your inbox. There was a go to the inbox inbox right there. Inbox inbox. There was a summer camp. I just want to read that one. Oh, blind? Yeah, we never read this email. No, it was written to us at 4am last night. Yeah, subject summer camp. I mean, I feel like it can't be bad. Here we go. Spam 2000 words. Oh, this is good. Not too long. All right. Okay. Let's call this guy. Bus face. Grapefruit. That's our episode. Huh? That's the end of the show.

Really? Did it take me a while? I go into this trans of sorts. Yeah, it's like tunnel vision except the reverse where I only see a black hole. It's like you're wearing binoculars backwards. Everything seems super far away despite the fact that it's small. I'll never get there. I'll never get there. And then I'm in it and I scream something. In this case, it was bus face grapefruit. And I'm just like, what the frickin F am I even doing? I'm like, what the frickin F? Yeah. What the frickin F? What's the second F? Fuck. What the frickin fuck? And friggin is instead of fuck. Well, yeah. So what the fuck? I don't want to curse too much. Bus face grapefruit rights. I'm in a really sticky situation and I need your advice.

I'm a teen from Israel. Hell yeah. Amir has been there in junior year of high school and I really want to go to summer camp as a counselor somewhere in the States for half the summer. The problem is, I don't know if I can waste all the time at camp because after the summer, there will be a lot of tests for the army and I would like to study most of the summer. So should I take this summer and study for what I'm going to be spending three years of my life doing? Or should I go to camp and have a great time and may finally have my first kiss or even hook up? If I do go to summer camp, do you have any tips on how to hook up with someone in a summer camp or a funny story about it? I never went to summer camp, but I think it's hard to not hook up in summer camp is what I've

gleaned. I mean, I had some broke ass friends who at the very least got an HJ at summer camp. I know. Freaking Oprah? No. Are you kidding me? Well, he was, Jesus Christ. I hate that guy. Oprah's my favorite. Who jerked him? I mean, Christ, actually, we brought her down. Let's talk, Jesus Christ. Slut shaving. I mean, if you're about to go to the army for three years, don't spend the summer studying, spend it hooking up at summer camp. But then what if he doesn't study? I think you still get into the army because they kind of need you in it. Yeah, it's mandatory army. So it's funny if the army gives you a test. If you fail, you don't get to go to the army. Yeah, or is it the opposite where it's like, he failed and now his punishment is the army. I don't know.

There's a lot of people that proudly serve. Absolutely. You're a draft-touch encounter. I was actually, I was just, 30 different jokes came by and I feel bad saying all of them. Yeah, of course. We appreciate our armed servicemen and women, to be sure. So how about best of both worlds? You go to summer camp, hook up. Yes. You have two long flights and a lot of long nights. Whenever you're not like fucking finger deep in poon at summer camp, that's when you could be studying. Yeah. Did you say? I would say. Okay. And I am saying. All right. And I appreciate you saying it for me because I didn't want to go to the third base one. You didn't want to say poon. I didn't want to say poon. That's fair. It felt off color in the low. It felt off base to say it

for me too. Off third base. Yeah, but you know what? Everybody goes to summer camp and they are all trying to get to third base with each other. So it's nice. It's a nice thing to do and to happen to be there. But you don't want to get picked off. You know when you take too much. You're talking about the army? Oh, dear God. Yes, of course. I'm talking about the army. So stay alert, brother. All right. Let's get to one more furniture related question. Should we briefly say that we're going on the road to many, many places? Oh, that's true. But when does this episode come out? You know, I think maybe after our Australia tour. All right. Welcome back from Australia, buddy. Thank you. How was it? It was pretty good. It's funny if this is just on YouTube and we're

both in a prison somewhere off the coast of Tasmania. Australian prison in Cairns. Yeah, this was a fun little respite that we had, the calm before the storm, before we both got thrown in Tasmanian prison. This videotape against us somehow. So here you go. They were talking about a super cut of me saying poon. Teenagers over here. Well, this is probably illegal. All right. Let's get to one last question. Yeah. So that's all you want to say about the tour? Oh, yes. Shit. You're right. Where are we going? You look, you, you say that while I look. We're going to Hot Lanta, Hot Raleigh, Hot DC, Hot Philly, and Hot Brooklyn. Three Hots? One Not. Not Brooklyn. Nice. I'm saying Not Brooklyn is not the Hot Not one. We're going to Brooklyn. Yeah,

but it's not the Hot one. And Denver and Tempe. I think you're, those are the Not Hot ones. Really? You might be confusing people rather than illuminating where we're going. We're going to every city I said. How's that? We fucking get it. We need another lady's name. Actually, why don't I get it? Oh, let's see here. Pasta. I can say like Sarah Tanner. Last name could be a dresser because that would be like your nose is bleeding. You are crying. You're sweaty. You're upset. You said Sarah or I would mention doing pasta. You mentioned pasta and I said Sarah. How about Sarah pasta? It's perfect. It's Fonte's perfect. All right. Sarah pasta is really, really bad at dealing with the morning after a hookup. I never know what to do. The peak or trough is it of the

situation took place in college. After seeing this guy that I had a huge crush on several times, I finally stayed the night with him. He was so nice and respectful and even cuddled with me afterwards. And that's not my style, but I did it anyway until we fell asleep. It got weird when I woke up a few hours later. It got weird when I woke up a few hours later because I heard him in the bathroom with what can only be described as extreme flatulence and I assumed diarrhea. Kanye has got some sort of irritable balsam. He's going to change Kanye's diaper. I pretended to be asleep and not notice because I felt bad for him. And am I a decent person? And I am a decent person. Sure. Or so I thought. The next morning I tried to leave while he was still sleeping

as to avoid the morning after awkwardness. He woke up while I was walking out of the bedroom and said good morning to which I responded good morning and then left and he never talked to me again. I feel like figuring out how to deal with awkward mornings is something I should have learned in college. And I thought I had them figured out until that specific encounter. So my question is, is it rude to leave in the morning while the guy is still asleep? Should I wait until he wakes up and talk to him before leaving? What do you guys prefer? And what do guys prefer in general? Thanks. Love, Sarah, pasta. Okay. Everyone's got different preferences. Yeah. I like the, I do prefer the sleepover. A lot of guys are like, I prefer to sleep in the bed by myself.

Oh yeah. No, I don't like that. So we're both on that page. I'm a cuddler. I'm a snuggler. But I don't know if that's average or not. I can't really speak to what's average. But two out of two, we got to, I assume we're not in the minority there. What about in the morning? Do you prefer the sneak out, the say goodbye, the hangout? I definitely do not like a sneak out. If I wake up and somebody's gone, I'm like, what did I do wrong? Got it. So like, that's probably why the guy hasn't called. Oh, he might be afraid. Like he did something wrong. Yeah. I mean, he probably flashed back to him shitting all over his bathroom. He's like, she heard shit. And now he's like, he's uncomfortable. Right. So no sneak out. Do you like a sneak out? I don't like a sneak out.

But what I do perhaps enjoy is the sneak out light. The hey, I'm going to go like whisper, wake up saying goodbye. Yeah. Really warmly and then leaving. I definitely prefer that to like an extended brunch. Yeah. Because then we're like, hey, let's watch, we're watching TV, should we order breakfast? Right. That's my nightmare. You just don't want to assume anything. I always assume you're the smartest in the room. Yeah. Why do I assume I'm the smartest in the room? I always assume that the person doesn't necessarily want to spend a lot of time with me. So I'm like, hey, listen, you do your thing. I'll do my thing. If this was meant to happen again, it'll happen again. Nothing too good can come out of hanging out for an extended period

of time right after that. It's always easier to leave when you're the sleeper over. Yeah. Like, but what if you wake up and you're like, hey, hey, you gotta go. Yeah. I don't want to kick someone out. You have to like follow a lead there. Or you can say like, I gotta go. I'm leaving my house. You stay here, do your thing. And then peace out. Do you ever leave somebody here? I'm okay leaving because usually if they're here, I trust them to a certain extent. It's never like a stranger danger, but it's also a guy leaving a lady here, which is like, I feel like a lady has to trust a guy more. Right. Right. Right. Also, what was I gonna say? Oh, in the morning, I don't feel like I'm my best self. I'm never like waking up and be like, my breath smells great. My face

is awesome. I'm good to go. I don't need a shower or to brush my teeth. Let's have eggs. Yeah. So I'm usually excusing myself for personal reasons where it's like, I have to freshen me. Because last night I probably didn't get to floss. Yeah. So you need to go home and use your water pick. I really would like to use my water pick. You hadn't slept with your grind guard, so we know you didn't get a full night's. Yeah. I'm getting some sort of, I'm getting molar damage just being there. Now, let me tell you, let me, let me ask you a question, a query, if you will. Do you think having morning sex alleviates the awkwardness? Because I find that it does. A little bit, because then it's like you're saying, listen, last night wasn't a complete,

insane, drunken, forgettable mistake. It was a fun time. I still like this in the morning too. Yeah. This is fine in the morning as well. This is a good time. And now that that is complete, now we can spend the days our separate ways. And then if it's going really well, you can text all day. And I feel like that's the highest extent of it. Yeah. Yeah. The night time fun, the morning thing, texting all day, you don't have to spend all day together. So that's my advice. So how does she make it a little less awkward? What do you guys prefer? I think she played it right. And no, she tried to sneak out. Yeah. I guess she got caught. It wasn't like a wake up. I don't think so. I don't advise to sneak out ever. Not even a saying goodbye

in the morning. I think you have, even if you're like sneak, even if you want to like get dressed and dip real quick, I think you have to say, you have to announce that you're leaving and that everything is good. But you announce while you're getting dressed, like as you're leaving. Well, like, I mean, if you really want to, if you were like so scared of having an interaction in the morning that you want to like get up, get ready and just lean over and be like, Hey, I have to run. Thank you. Last night was fun. Whatever. Right. Do that. Yeah. But I do not think like just get dressed. Don't say anything. Leave and fine. If you do that, if you're really, really nervous, then send a text. Oh, or what about the note leaving? That's pretty cute. Yeah.

But you don't need to write that. You have to like rub it through somebody's drawers and draw it into a pen. Yeah. Or you bring your own station. They wake up. They're like, Hey, you're robbing me. No, I'm not eating half of a banana. You leave. You have Danish. That's why I have little cards that say last night was a, and then a blank. So I just need a little mini golf pencil and I'll rate it one through 10. And I actually prefer if the lady rates me too. Jesus Christ. Kind of like a comment card at a restaurant or like an Airbnb experience. You get an email. Amir has reviewed you. Review him to see the review. And I don't really have a review. I just want to sort of grade myself. You troll. I'm on Yelp. I actually have one and a half stars on Yelp.

Have you ever seen your Lulu score? My what? Your Lulu score? No, I haven't seen my Lulu score. That means it's not good. They only advertise the good ones. The Lulu leaderboard. Is Lulu still an app? Do they still do that? I don't know. It seems pretty invasive. It really is a Yelp for humans, right? But only for dudes. Oh yeah. And it's only for ladies to review guys. Yeah. What can possibly go wrong? All right. That's our advice. This is what guys like. This is what guys prefer. It's not. Don't don't sneak out. Fair, fair. All right. We're just about out of time. Thank you again, article for showing off your lovely furniture in my home. Your house is a showroom. We're actually going to allow some visitors to come in and strangers. I've raised

this window and we just see people window shopping behind us. Japanese tourists taking pictures in front of my house. article.com slash if I were you for $50 off and check them out. Highly recommend article. The opening theme song was written by Nikita. It was that Hamilton parody. Nice. Closing one. Written by somebody whose only name they gave was Koi Daggers. I wonder if we influenced that in any way. I know I'm selling daggers on the side. So I've been selling little shibs on my Etsy store. Oh, so that sounds a little Koi. Exactly. And if you have your own theme songs or your own emails for us to answer, the email address for everything show related is ifirishow at gmail.com. Correct. Good night, everybody.

Thanks for watching. Thanks for listening. We'll do another episode at your house soon. All right. That was a hate gun podcast.