If I Were You - 269: Mom on Blast

Episode Date: April 10, 2017

In this Twitter lightning round episode we discuss pigs, jeans, candy, beards, Los Angeles, ice cream, bangs, the kiekel, and the worst kind of person!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. If I were you, I'd ask her out and I'd say my goodbyes when it's time to move out. I would not say so low as to go, but John won't wait. Cause you can't stop the cast ever since these two dudes began. This little show, yeah, they could answer every question from Cranby, so they're gonna help me rid myself of all of my last disney. Cause you can't stop these dudes from being cool or using lip to get back. You could always sit in Starbucks and just wait till you die,

so please just try to seize the trees and we could all just agree to sing that you can't stop the cast. Jazzy, do you know where that's from? Hairspray. Yeah. You can't stop the beat. Ask and you shall receive says Nikita who wrote that you can't stop the beat from hairspray. Did we ask for a hairspray?

Or we asked for more Broadway. Oh, you did specifically say hairspray, right? Yeah, hairspray did come up recently. So thanks Nikita for writing that. I will say that I've been getting a little sloppy with the theme songs. And so I've said this before and I'll say it again. If you sent a theme song and you're like, this is pretty good and I haven't used it. Odds are I just forgot or I haven't checked or I didn't see.

I missed it. Right. Basically let's start from scratch. I haven't used your theme song and it was pretty good. Send it again. Send it in. And use the word theme song, right? Yeah.

That's how you find it. Yeah, I searched song or attachment, but I started searching more and more and then I forget which ones I listened to and it's all messed up. But I'll be good from now on. Really? Yeah, I'll be good. You're going to be good from now on. I'm going to be a good boy from now on.

All right. I want to be a good boy. I feel like, yeah, you're just setting yourself up for. I won't fail. Okay. Ever again. Starting now. You should be easier on yourself.

I will say that some of them are approaching three minutes in length. We don't necessarily need a song that long. Yeah. That we appreciate. I mean, two minutes and 30 seconds is perfect. No, I would say, no, that's again two. I would say 30 seconds is perfect. Yeah, but I mean, if you have a gem and you need to go three, four, stairway to heaven

was seven minutes and 42 seconds. Okay. So your advice is in direct confliction with mine. I'm saying don't go very long. It might be a good song like stairway to heaven. Yeah. The stairway to heaven was written for our podcast. I would say it's too long.

Really? Yeah. All right. Well, I mean, it's easier because I don't, you look at the, you look at the theme songs. Right. So it's easier for you. I just don't know. Yeah.

It's just easy for me to say that they should be long. I just, we don't need to play five minutes worth of songs in our podcast. Yeah. Yeah. But I mean, I don't mind. I think of a TV theme song, a jingle. Those are usually short. All my favorite jingles are usually nine to 12 minute long.

Like for example, what? The party of five jingle? No. Okay. Not a jingle. Theme song. And it's not nine minutes long. Yeah.

Or the cheers one. Yeah. You know the cheers one? You're recalling things. Where everybody knows your name. Yeah. That's like 40 seconds max. No, there's like a long instrumental.

No, there's not. All right. No, there's not. All right. There's not an instrumental. All right. And it's definitely not seven minutes. Hey, teach your own.

What are you talking about? Let me look it up. You do not have to do that. Yeah. Look at that. Here's a 22 minute cheers theme song. Oh, Jesus Christ, man. What are you saying?

That's the episode laying. No, it's not the episode. Come on, Don. So thanks to Nikita for writing. And if you've written a theme song, send it back in. This is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by me. I'm Amir. I'm Josh.

We've done a lot of episodes recently. We've had some bonus Thursday episodes the last two weeks brought to you by article. And then we even have videos for those episodes. We have clips of those episodes. So if you're still listening and still caught up, wow, we applaud you. If not, welcome, welcome, welcome to episode. I think this is going to be 269. Really cool.

Fun fact, guys, stairway to having a seven minutes and 55 seconds. That is really cool. That's cool that you said that. So if you tweeted at me that I was wrong, go back and delete your tweet, little fuck. I already know. I already know. You think someone, didn't you say it was seven minutes long? I said it was seven minutes and 42 seconds.

It was still pretty close. It was pretty close. Yeah. I just don't want some little fuck out there. You're getting mad at someone. No one said anything to you yet. I'm going to refresh this podcast first thing on Monday and see if anybody fucking really liked me.

I doubt it. I so doubt they did. But we've had some great guests on recently. We've done some video versions of the show. So we haven't done in a bit a new format that we're testing out that the lightning round Twitter edition of the show. That's when instead of reading your emails, we answer some quick hits over Twitter. So I tweeted earlier today, hit us with your questions that would fit in the tweet and we'll

try to answer as many as possible on Monday's episode. That's what's up. That's what this is. I got some good feedback for the first time. Let's see if we can fuck that up. Let's see if we can ruin it. Let's see if we can take the ill will and cash it in for some nasty tweets. Some poor feedback.

And I don't even want constructive criticism. I want some nasty feedback. That shit that's not helpful. That's that shit I don't like. Do you have any good ones right off the bat now that you're just going through Twitter? I had one that I liked actually. This guy said... That's that shit you do like.

This is that shit that I do like. Another of dragons, Bassman5000 wrote, when are you going to shave your beard, Amir? And when are you going to grow yours back, Jake Hurwitz? And I feel like mine is grown back. Yeah, you're growing back. Mine is maybe longer than yours now. Yeah. I trimmed mine.

I had it actually professionally trimmed, which I've never done before. I paid somebody $10 in Australia to trim my beard because I think it had gotten too long. I wasn't enjoying it anymore. It was getting stuck in my beard. I felt gross. I felt ugly. Yeah.

You decided you did not like it. I felt, yeah. I guess that's what happens at the end of every beard's run is like, this is too much. The headache is not worth the pain. I'm thinking about cutting it constantly. Yeah. I mean, yeah, that's most of the time while I have a beard. I'm thinking about cutting it constantly.

Especially when it gets better with a mustache. I couldn't even eat food at a certain point. It was like getting stuck in my hair. Yeah. Yeah. You get crumbs all over your face. You were happy with the trim then? Yeah.

Trim. I went still a little longer than I've had before, but it felt more manageable. Now your beard is still longer than you've ever had. Yeah. You're keeping it longer. And I am due for another trim. So you want to basically go back to what you had before? I want short beard rather than stubble.

And short beard is what you always had, would you say? No, I've had stubble before. Okay. Like you can see my face underneath the beard. That's what I think the difference is between stubble and beard. Beards, you can't see the skin underneath. Stubble is your beard. So you want to keep your beard?

I wasn't even close to being dongy little shit. Jesus. Yeah. That's all I have to say about that. She said you weren't close to being dongy. I'm saying let me wrap it up. So a beard is... You're not saying let me wrap it up.

You said I wasn't close to being dongy. To reiterate. By the way, I was agreeing with you. I was just trying to... All right. To reiterate, a beard is when you can't see the skin underneath. That's it. That is when I started talking.

No, I'm saying... And then you yell, I'm not even close to being dongy little shit. Yeah. You're in a sour mood. I did get cross. You're being quite cross. That thing's funnier than the way people talked in the 40s. All right.

Next question. When is Amir's family ever going to be on the pod? Ooh. We've had all the members of your family on the podcast, but never any of mine. Not all though, right? My mother. Yeah. Of course, my dear mother.

Your dad's never been on the show. My dad never. My brother has been on sort of, Liza was on. Yeah. Yeah. There's some more Hurwitzes, but zero Bloomin' Fels have been on. Yeah. Four Hurwitzes and just one Bloomin' Fels to me.

Yeah. Who of my family would make the best guess? I mean, probably your dad, Jerome. Yeah. That's what I was thinking too. Plus, he's a professional doctor, so maybe we can find some OBGYN questions. Oh, definitely. I can answer them scientifically.

That'd be really fun. All right. You got another question? Yeah. I do. One second. Okay, so you don't? Yeah.

No, I didn't. How much is an acceptable amount of money to pay for a pair of jeans? Oh, that's a really interesting question. Yeah. So, I think there's a timeline of one's life and that number changes. Do you remember what money was like to you in high school? I can't quite remember. Like, I remember having money, but I didn't know how I got it and how I valued things.

Well, like, there was definitely, when I was little, I wanted toys and I remember something being like the earliest concept I have of money, aside from like my dad not wanting to take me out to McDonald's or something. McDonald's is cheap. Yeah. And I think that was less about spending money and more about a health reason. But there was a stuffed pig that I really wanted when we were on vacation and it was $19.

And to me, that was like, that's early. But I mean, I was not three. I was like eight or something. Yeah. So, again, I think that's just your dad saying that you're too old for stuffed animals. Well, it was kind of a cool toy. You don't get it. The pig was wearing a leather jacket.

Yeah. That is pretty cool actually. Yeah. I was done. It's actually a pretty cool pig, man. I'm sorry for saying that. Is that right, man? Not being stuffed enough.

I had the pig for a long time. I wonder where it is now. You didn't end up buying it. Yeah. Well, so my mom bought it for me, but I remember $19 was like, this is a bridge too far for my dad. Yeah. Like I asked him every day of the vacation for him to buy this pig for me.

Yeah. Not anything. Not gonna happen. Last day, I let the waterworks fly, dude. I played the game and I won. I won at the toy and I got it. My cup runneth over with tears. And with pigs.

I ended up getting 10 pigs. And pigs do fly. Mommy felt quite bad for her little angel. My father had to buy an extra seat on the plane back for all of the pigs. I was bequeathed. It felt good that day. Mommy treated her little prince quite nicely. I am mommy's little piglet.

Oink, oink, mother. Your little bacon boy requests to treat mother. And who are you to deny it, father? My pig pen is now a play pen. More pigs, father. Never enough. I want my entire room to be filled to the brim, like a pen. So I guess that was like the earliest concept of money, like $19 being a lot.

And then I also remember in high school, my friend Steve being like, I like to have $10. Like that's enough to buy a sandwich or something. That's good. And I was like, yeah, $10 is the perfect amount of money to have. I can't imagine eating more. And then jeans. I remember first having a job and $100 seemed way too expensive for jeans. And now if I saw a pair of jeans as a 34-year-old professional, young professional, I'd be like,

$100, that's not that bad at all. Because I think we've been exposed to the $200 jeans. It's all relative. It's like, what's the most expensive jeans that you want and then divided by two? But I think it's sort of a parabolo. Because when I was in my 20s, I was like, $220, that's the price of jeans, baby. And these look good. And now I'm like coming back around and be like, $220 is fucking insane.

You don't need to buy that. I could buy a goddamn ottoman for that. I could buy, what, 10, 11 pigs for that much cash. So I think $80 to maybe $120 max, that's the price for jeans. I would say, here's the thing. You spend like $50 to $100 on shirts that you wear once every week or two. Jeans you wear every day. You don't have a lot of jeans in the rotation.

So I think of clothing as the more often you wear it, the more money you can spend. I spend several hundred dollars on my glasses because I wear them every day. My jeans I wear two, three times a week. Sometimes I go full weeks wearing them. I can spend $150 on jeans. Shirts I wear like once every week or two. I probably don't want to spend that much money on them. Right.

$150 on shirts. Crazy. Yeah. But on jeans, I don't think that's that bad. Is this question how much you should pay on jeans or how much we do? I think how much is a good price to pay for jeans. I think if it's good jeans, $100 is a good price. Yeah.

It's the long, the short answer. I think you should leave eyes at Urban Outfitters for like $60, right? Yeah. But you can do better than that. You really should be wearing page, a rag and bone. If it's not diesel, it's not diesel. Was that your question or mine? That was mine.

Let's see. Traveling to LA this summer, what's the best place to meet new people? Says Robin Anderson. Best place to meet new people in Los Angeles? Yeah. I have a unique answer. Oh, go ahead. Tinder.

That's not how you make friends. Yeah. That's how you, best place to meet new people is online. You can meet a lot of people online. Oh, I see. It's not a location, but rather an app. Yeah. You can meet friends on Tinder.

Yeah. Groups of friends. They have the social thing. You meet people there. Oh, yeah. That's true. I feel like it's a good, or at least a decent pickup line to say that you're only in town and you're looking for wrecks, not like somebody to do.

Not looking for sex. Yeah. But where should I go? Which beach should I go to? I need advice from a local. Yeah. Then maybe if you're lucky, they'll say, and I'll show you around. Then you have a little town girlfriend or boyfriend for a couple of days.

That town is Los Angeles, and there's many places you can go. This place is actually holly weird. It really is. Really wild to a certain extent. Got a question? Yeah. This one's actually kind of nice. This girl says, do my homework, please.

And then she screenshotted a worksheet. Oh. All right. I mean, I guess, should we just go one by one? What's the subject? Well, the questions are, it looks like World War II. Okay. This one's going to be tough, but I can try.

The picture is not ideal. What country was invaded by Hitler on September 1st, 1939, and what was the British and French response? Poland? Yes. Is that the answer? That's the answer. The French response was to fucking lay down and take it, because they didn't do shit for

anyone in WW2. All right. Here's one that I don't know the answer to. Who did Hitler attack in April 1940? What was the importance of this? He killed himself, so he attacked his own brain. And the importance of this. That was 1945.

I see. Okay. So it wasn't a trick question. Very good. Very, very good. Here's one. Favorite animal. Oh, this one's cute.

That was on her homework too. So it's sort of World War II slash a personality test. Here's a question from Luca Tonar. What's the funniest thing you've ever witnessed? Yeah. That's tough. Man. Do you remember the last time you cracked up?

I mean... Maybe earlier today when you said that you were your mom's little piglet. That was pretty funny. Yeah, I was laughing pretty hard then. I remember cracking up so hard watching the South Park movie when I was 13 in theaters. Like, I'm like, I have to like leave. I can't breathe. I'm like crying.

This is too much. Yeah. I really can't... I wish... That sounds nice. I wish I remembered the last time I... I'm sure I did. There was parts of the road trip that we were taking with John and John Carlo.

We were so tired. We were laughing a lot. Yeah. Like, when you get really tired, anything is funny. Delirious laughter. Yeah. That's the best kind. When your eyes are burning.

Man, that was... God, that was really... Yeah, that was really fun. But I don't even know what it was. Playing the fried chicken song? Yeah. Another question? Yeah.

I'm trying to think of the last time I laughed really, really hard. Well, actually, there's one question from somebody else. My dad, he says, what was the last thing that made you super happy? Super happy. Yeah. I feel depressed now that I can't think I'm happy all the time. What made you cry? Your fists.

Hmm. I did. I pumped my fists with exuberance recently, but I can't remember what. Maybe one of our live shows, like coming off the stage at one of our live shows or getting... Doing my Shoei in Melbourne felt really, really... Or Sydney, sorry. Yeah. That was a pretty solid moment.

Doing my Shoei. That was... That made us super happy. That drinking whiskey out of my shoe made me thrilled. That hot tub in New Zealand that we sort of spent time in with Streeter. Oh, yeah. That was a nice time. That was nice.

Sharing a hot tub with you three. Shoes and UIs. I was pumping my fists for that. Yeah, you did get out and go, yeah. You did the Dean scream. What do you see yourselves doing in five years? Oh, Jesus Christ, this thing again. What's something you lost but never found?

Oh, that's even better. Is there something that you lost that you still think about that you wish you could get back? Interesting. Something that I lost that I never found. Huh. Huh. There's got to be something. I've got two things and they're both clothing.

Clothing related. Oh, yeah, yeah. I lost some clothes. I had that green jacket that somebody took from a bar. I put it in a corner. That's right. You liked that jacket? Yeah.

That was a good jacket. That was a good jacket. I had a really an incredible flannel and an amazing cardigan that I oft wore together. The flannel was lost in a breakup. So you didn't really lose it. You know where it is. Yeah, but I asked. I mean, she lost it.

Yeah. I've followed up. On you. And then the cardigan. And the cardigan was the, that was lost the night that we were, or that I was almost arrested in Iceland. You just blacked out. Yeah. Well, I, yes, I left my cardigan at the bar, but they had like sort of let me get away with murder.

Murder. So I didn't want to go back the next day and say, do you have my cardigan? Yeah. Here it is. And also you owe us $500. You owe us eight million Icelandic Kroener instead. Ooh, what socks are you dudes wearing? Hmm.

What's your go to stance nowadays? Yeah, I like stance, but I think right now the socks I'm wearing are from Richard Porter. You know, my favorite pair of socks are a pair of polka dot no shows from Richard Porter. That's a cool step in sock evolution is wearing designed no shows. Yeah. Like, yeah, there's designed and nobody's really going to see him, but when they do. It's kind of like the undies for your feet. Yeah.

Feet undies. The undies should have socks, don't they? Do they not? Mode all socks. Yeah. Can you imagine? Yeah. Richard Porter stance is our free sock tip.

Yeah. Got one? Do you have one? Do you have another one? If a girl has a child, is that a deal breaker for you? Ooh, great question. No, it's not. It's not.

And for me, yes, it is. Wow. Yeah, I can't handle that responsibility. I can't be a daddy right now. You date someone and then you're also a daddy? You're not the daddy. Yeah, you're pretty close to the daddy. If you're just dating, you're not a daddy.

Yeah, but then eventually you're working towards becoming a daddy. A stepdad. I mean, if all goes well and you get married, if you meet your soulmate and that woman, or man has a child, then you'd be a stepparent. Yeah, I can't have that. I don't begrudge anybody that goes for it, but for me personally, I wouldn't get involved in that situation. I'd be too afraid of the responsibility.

And I would welcome the responsibility, but do a bad job with it. So those are your only two options. You can either try and fail or never attempt at all. Andrea asks, what are your beliefs? Oh, so that's a bot learning how to ask questions. What are my beliefs? Here's a recent belief of mine based on conversations that we've had in the office. I don't think people, or I should say, I mean, some people do,

but I think the majority of people don't know what's recyclable and what's not. And they're just guessing. You told me I can't recycle a Ziploc bag, which just really blew me away. You can't recycle glossy magazines. I've been dumping any paper product in the recycling. You're saying that's not true. Yeah, there's paper towels you can't do. Paper towels is one that I know you can't do.

What about colored magazines? Sorry, sorry, newspapers, like the Sunday Funnies. I believe you can do that. I think that's fine. But this is, I agree, not everybody knows, including me. I do know that you can't recycle paper towels. Yeah, which seems weird to me. Well, paper towels are the last line of recycling. Meaning?

Like paper products have been recycled, recycled, recycled, and the final thing they make is paper towels. That's the end of their life. They die after that. So you're supposed to, you dry something with a paper towel and you throw it away in the trash. That's garbage. Doesn't that seem counterintuitive? Yeah, well, you know what? That's why I bought rags,

and now I don't use paper towel anymore at home. Would you say you've gone from riches to rags? Why don't you shut the fuck up, you little twerp. Come over here and I'll suck you one. I'll suck you one. And I'll suck you, Lynn. Get over here, Nagels. I'll blow you, you little twerp.

Wait, what? You want to blow me? Yeah. You're going down, or I'm going down on you at 3 p.m. after school. You're like some sort of gay bully. Sexy bully. Let's take a break. We'll come back.

We'll answer some more questions. Let's thank a few sponsors, and we've gotten through a lot of questions. I'm proud of us. Me too. All right, we'll see you soon on the other side of this ad break. Thank you. Over thousands of years. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show.

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For example, I didn't even look this up, but there's no way you can't buy a mere Blumenfeld is a good dude.com. I bet that's available and you can have it today and you can buy it through Squarespace and build an awesome website dedicated to me or I guess dedicated to anyone else in your life. And maybe you want to give somebody a gift this season, a summer birthday coming up. Who doesn't want a website? So the best way to do that is to go to Squarespace.com slash if I were you for a free trial.

And when you're ready to launch, just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Again, Squarespace.com slash if I were you free trial, everything looks good. Let's launch it. Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you. Squarespace. Hi, we're back.

Here's a question that can lead us into our live show plugs. Can we hang out in Atlanta? We're going to be on Atlanta for a minute. We're doing a lot of shows. Some of them are inching close to selling out. None of them have sold out yet. I know Atlanta and DC and Brooklyn are close. And then even before that, we're going to Tempe.

Now we're going to Denver on 419 and Tempe on 420. Yeah. Man, we're on the road a lot. That's seven shows in about three weeks. That's too much. So if you live in Tempe or Denver, we're doing a live podcast there on the 19th and 20th. And then the first through the 5th of May, we're going to be Atlanta, Raleigh, DC, Philly, New York, Brooklyn show.

It would be awesome if you guys came out. So far, we haven't had a negative review of any of our live shows. So if you're like on the fence, I don't know if we'll have fun. Just know you will have fun. We'll have fun. Yeah, you're going to have fun. I'm going to do a Shoe-E. Oh, regardless of if they know or ask for it.

I don't care. You're just going to begin drinking whiskey out of your shoe. I might do it on the plane just on the way there. Yeah, you did a Jet Blue-E on the way home. Very, very good. I like that. Hey, man. What?

Good stuff. Bravo, dude. Jet Blue-E. That's their new campaign. I guess instead of giving you water in those little plastic cups. It should be. They give it to you in little shoes. So that's our plug for our live shows.

Come hang out with us for crying out. It won't be fun if you're not there. It'll only be fun if we see you. It'll be like me and Jake on a stage alone and it's not good to have that. Also, our YouTube channel, Head Gums YouTube and If I Were You's YouTube has been posting a lot of funny videos. So if you want to see the last couple podcasts as a video or some Jeffrey the dumb ass videos, check out our Head Gum and If I Were You YouTube channel.

Here's a picture of the pig toy that I got when I was a kid. Is that really it? Yeah. Let me see. So what is it? What am I looking at here? This is plastic. This isn't stuffed.

The body is stuffed. The head was plastic. Yeah. The body is stuffed. Oh, I see. So it's like, this is a big sort of, should I say, is this a gay pig to you? No, he's not a gay pig. He's wearing leather boots, leather assless chaps.

He's not wearing assless chaps. Leather jacket. A leather hat. He is wearing a leather hat. He's wearing a leather hat. He's a leather daddy. So how'd you find that toy? How did I find it?

The hat's not necessarily leather. It's just black. He's got an earring. He's got some warts on his face. He's a cool pig and he rides a Harley. What the fuck do you ride? A fucking Mazda? This guy doesn't have to take any advice from you.

I want to see if I can buy one. It's funny that that's what you really, really wanted as a kid. It really was. Oh, 25 bucks. They've appreciated and valued daddy. Father, what a wise investment it would have been for you to have spent $19 in 1996. This is so funny. I can't believe I can still buy one.

If you bought one and sent it to your dad, would he remember what it was? I think he would and I know my mom would. Classic dad v mom. My mom's a thoughtful little angel. Chris Armstrong writes, have or would either of you put Laura Hurwitz on blast? I've never put her on a public blast. But you've put your mom on a regular blast? I've like gotten into fights with my mom.

Fist fights, right? I think the maddest I ever got at my mom was when I was in college and I was my freshman year at Moravian and I was applying to transfer to Yukon. The school of champions. Yeah. That was the Holy Grail. So me and my friend Steve, who I mentioned $10 in the wallet, Steve, we both wanted, he was at school in Philadelphia.

I was at school in Bethlehem. We both didn't like it. We were like, we're going to move. We're going to transfer to Yukon. This is the dream. Yeah. Meanwhile, I also broke up with my high school girlfriend while I'm in college. Very exciting time.

Sadly, I had a 0.5 GPA, so Yukon didn't want to accept me for some reason. 2.5, 3.5. 0.5. 0.5. What? 0.5. They revoked my scholarship at Moravian. A 0.5 is what?

Half Ds and half Fs? Yeah. And I'm surprised I even got any Ds. I didn't deserve the Ds. So I was rejected by Yukon. Of course. And I guess, for some reason, my mom was still talking to my ex-girlfriend. And the person that I really didn't want knowing that I got rejected from Yukon,

my mom told her. Oh, I see. And then she was talking to me online and with a lot of snark was like, sorry, you got rejected from Yukon. Your mommy told me. Yeah. Oh, and sorry, you lost the leather pig too. You're rubbing in it.

So I put my mom on blast for that. And I'm putting her on blast right now for it. You still haven't forgiven her. I mean, I have forgiven her since. But that was, that really, that got my goat, man. That got my pig. Did you just like hang, like go blind with rage and like just pick up a landline and call your mom?

Yeah, I did. I was like, why did you do that? Hello, mother. Mom. You told my fucking girlfriend. Ex-girlfriend. What did you ever put? Yeah, the question was about my mom, but did you ever put your mom on a blast?

Yeah, I'm trying to wonder. Oh, yes. I think I told this story once before where my mom gave away all my Halloween candy to my flag football team. So she, at the end of a practice or a game dumped my entire lot of Halloween candy under the field because, you know, it's just cheap candy. And if I wanted more, I could buy more. Oh, this is the hardest I laughed in a while.

Oh dear you. Mother. Mother. I have earned that candy by dressing up like Bart Simpson mother. The neighbors gave me the candy, mother. I asked for the tootsie rolls, mama. They're not for you to give away. You've invaded my pillow sack, mother.

You know, I've got a sweet tooth. Buy me another costume, mother, so that I may re-earn the candy, mother. I will go door to door, tricked or treated on November 3rd, mama. Let's see here. When are you coming to Michigan? We don't have plans to come to the Midwest, but that'd be another fun tour to do. Yeah, I'd like that. We're inching closer towards being in Montreal this summer.

That's kind of like Michigan. Yeah. It touches a great lake. If today is Monday and I say I saw you last weekend, is that one day or eight days ago? Explain your reasoning. I would say if I said, oh, I saw him last weekend. That was eight days. Yeah.

If you were saying I saw somebody and you were talking about. This weekend. No, because this weekend I still think is the one ahead. Even on Monday? You know, I guess on a Monday if you say, if you say I saw you this weekend. Yeah. That's past tense, but I would probably. I saw you last weekend.

I think the way to phrase it is, I just, oh, I saw you this past weekend. This past weekend. The one that just passed. And this weekend would be the one coming up. Yeah. Even on a Monday? Even on a Monday. On a Monday.

Going up. What else you got? String cheese or mozzarella sticks? I have to choose one to eat for the rest of your life. Mozzarella sticks. Does anybody prefer non-deep fried anything? Is the steamed version ever better? Like a grilled chicken sandwich versus fried?

Yeah. Well, I mean, maybe if you had to choose grilled chicken or fried chicken for the rest of your life, I feel like that's harder. That's harder only for health reasons. Right. You know which one's better. Yeah. But like, you can't do that.

Yeah. Because then it's like, I'm sort of like, I'm relegating myself to never having like a healthy salad. I will always have fried chicken on a salad. Well, then I guess you could have salmon in the salad. Yeah. But fried salmon? Yeah.

You never see deep fried salmon. Huh. Get at me, Twitter. And this time, do at me. Young Axel writes, have we been saying people's names the entire time? No. No. We haven't.

Okay. I don't hate ice cream, but I don't like it as much as everyone else. Is this normal? Should I pretend to like it? Am I weird? Help. You kind of are this way. Yeah.

That's why I wanted to answer it. So you don't love ice cream? I don't care for it. When do you get it? Almost never. When do you get it? When do I? Yeah.

Like when would you be like, yeah, I'll do it. I guess if everybody, if I was with a bunch of people that were going to get ice cream and got ice cream. So it's like a fitting in social thing. Yeah. Well, I mean, even then sometimes I will get like a sample. I just, it's so rich and cold and creamy. I don't need a lot of it, you know?

I got ice cream in Australia. We were walking around. Yeah, that was nice. Do you consider it? No, I didn't think about it, but I did get a sample. I did get a sample. Yeah. But you didn't, you didn't even...

It's a tough thing to do. If the sample had been good enough for you to pull, have pulled the trigger? No. I just, I like to have a little taste. The tough thing is having a sample and then not getting any ice cream. Yeah. It's a good acting job. And then she's like, okay, do you want anything?

You know what? That flavor wasn't quite good enough for me. I think I'm all right. Thank you. Yeah. And then you have to run away before they make eye contact. It's like when you try samples at a farmer's market. This is our turkey jerky.

It's like pineapple teriyaki flavor. That's good. All right. Did you want to... Yeah, we locally sort... All right. Fuck off. Just wanted and needed and got a free taste.

So there I am. And I've already forgotten your name. Do I want your card? No, I don't. Peace in the Middle East. Why don't you get a real job? Well, I am an accountant during the week. During the weekends.

Good. Why don't you get a better hobby? Well, I do. I also am a semi-professional soccer player and I do this turkey jerky thing on the side. Gee whiz, you're fucking awesome, man. I'll have a quarter ounce. That'll be $95. Fuck me.

Soccer does not pay the bills. You're an accountant. Is that a write-off? What is the worst type of person? Right. Cag Edgar. Cag Edgar. Cage Edgar.

What's the worst type of person? A dumb, angry, stubborn one. Dumb, angry, stubborn? Dumb, angry, stubborn. But what if you're dumb, angry, stubborn and hot? That's pretty good. Okay. So, an ugly, dumb, stubborn, angry, a stubborn, angry, dumb.

An angered, stubborn, angry, dumb. You're basically just describing like Steve Bannon. Yeah. I guess I do think he's the worst person. Because he's like mean and also forcing other people to not be nice. Yeah, but I think he's smart. But then that begs the question, is that even worse if you're like intelligent and you're mean? Right.

You're like, you know what you're doing. Yeah, like is the meanest thing to be a dictator and like sort of, I'm not saying that he's a dictator, I'm saying, let's start from scratch, was Hitler meaner than like his dumb executioners? Right. Because he was like intelligently brainwashing people versus just the idiots that would be like, yeah, I'll do anything. I'll carry out the order of killing people. Yeah.

Like that's pretty bad. That's a bad, they're both bad. But what's the worst kind? I think the evil mastermind's the worst one, I guess. So you can still be smart in the worst person. Yeah. Because you do more net damage. The worst kind of person.

Oh, or if you're like rude to waiters. Yeah. Just like a nasty rude man. Or like if something costs like $24.01 and I give you $25 and then you instead of giving me a dollar back, you start like counting out $0.99. Like, all right, the $0.99 is like four pennies, three nickels. Why don't you jump off a freaking bridge? I'm talking to you.

Not the guy, can I have this change? Oh. I like this question from Zarya. How do I start my life over without moving? Hmm. Start your life over. Today is the first day of your life. This is the first day of my life.

Can you do it? Does he talk about, when you read that, did you imagine moving cities or like just moving apartments within the same city? I guess moving cities. I think buying new stuff, haircut is a good one. Yeah, start fresh. Change your face. You can change your face over the course of a couple months.

I think, yeah, that's true. Haircut, beard, glasses. Those are three things. This is coming from a woman. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. How different her life would be with a haircut, a beard, and glasses. That's true. I think it's a woman.

I don't entirely know. How about bangs? I'm serious. What about bangs as like a fucking restart? What better way to say, hey, I'm ready for the day than a gosh darn power bang? Bang. Yeah, a single bang. I was going to say rearrange your room.

Oh, that's good too. Yeah, why don't you read up about Feng Shui? Can't move your house? Move your furniture. Yeah, your bed doesn't have to be on that wall that it's on right now. No, it doesn't. Unless it's like not, you know, you don't want to block a closet or a window or something, but.

Absolutely not. But yeah, like you can rearrange your room. Your dresser could be different. You can buy a new duvet. Oh, that's nice. Give yourself a throw pillow. Yeah. Let's just upgrade the room and read a book of poetry.

That'll really clear your head. And I say bangs. I'm down with bangs too. So bangs plus that. Rearrange the room. Open the window. Get some fresh air. That's important.

That's good. Read poetry. Yeah. And get yourself a bang. Exercise too. Oh, exercise. Go on a fucking run. Running feels good.

Sweat. You get a sweat on. Yeah, dude. We got time for a couple more questions. Desperate Tim writes, just out of a couple year relationship, should I cheese this? Should I seize the cheese with a new squeeze or stay a singlesman? So out of a new relationship, should he jump into a new one? No.

Or should he just enjoy the single ride? Enjoy the single ride, brother. But what if you meet someone that's great? Do you say, uh, sorry, it has to wait? Yeah. Yeah. I think it does. Yeah.

This is sort of goes back to your, your theory with ice cream. Yeah. I'd like to taste them all. And then I'm going to walk away. Yeah. And then I'll ultimately like to disappoint you. You know, it's crazy about ice cream. Now that we're talking about it again.

Sure. Uh, one scoop is so much ice cream. They give, they can give you two flavors in one scoop. It's too much. Yeah. And you can get two and three scoops. One scoop is nearly a pint of ice cream. This is why I don't like ice cream.

Cause you, it's, there's, it's way too much. Don't give me so much. It's way too much. I don't need to walk around with literally a pint of ice cream on, in a cone. Yeah. And a cone is, is already like a cookie. You're basically having a waffle. Yeah.

It's bad. It's a bad situation. But then there's fro you. What are your thoughts? Where do you land on pinkberry? Absolutely anti. But cause it's not even as good as ice cream. Yeah.

I mean the only time I'll really like enjoy ice cream is if it's like summer day. I'm on vacation with my family. Yeah. And we have got like friendlies ice cream in the freezer and, and I make it up. Like, or my dad makes it for me on a cone. My daddy making me ice cream. He's got a lot of nostalgia. He's got a lot of picky and then he makes me nice and plump.

But don't you crave a little sweet thing? Like I always finished dinner. I'm like, now I would like a little bit of frozen yogurt. At the end of the night these days, I enjoy a morsel of dark chocolate. But I really only need a morsel. I don't need a single dark chocolate covered almond. That's like such an adult dessert. Yeah.

At the end of the night. It would be a single one. I would probably have two or maybe three if they're dark chocolate covered almonds. That's such like a 30 year old thing. It's like at the end of the night, I'll have a piece of bitter chocolate and that'll be my life. And I truly only have a square. It's a single square of bitter, salty fudge.

It's even sadder if you know how much I enjoy it. Because it's a lot. I am awash with emotion. The relief washes over me in an awesome wave. Last question. Oh, this is kind of a stupid question to end it on. So just search for a better question, but is Marty's full name Martin? I don't know.

It has to be. Oh, it is. Okay. Martin Kiegel, Michael. Kiegel. The Kiegel. We should tell the story of the Kiegel. Oh, that's pretty good.

So let's end with that. All right. And this is also an open pitch to HGTV, which is where we want to pitch this TV show. So when we were moving to our last home together, we wanted to have a house that had enough space for our studio. So we were looking for a three bedroom with a den, a really nice big home that we can spend some of it working, some of it living, some of it playing, some of it having fun. Which allowed us to like up our rental budget.

So we're seeing some nice houses. However, in these houses, not all rooms are created equal. No, there is always a master. Of course there's a master. Which is why we started calling each other. Yeah, the master. The master deserves to be in the master. Everyone wants to be the master.

And that's what the show is. Right. It's a roommate competition where three roommates compete to see who is the master. And the master will have oftentimes a balcony. The master will of course have the en suite. It will have the en suite. It will have built-ins. It will get southern and northern light.

It is exposed. It is a corner office. It is a masterful view because after all it is the master. You are a masterful you. The second of the master is a room usually designated as the second bedroom. It's not quite the master, but at the same time it's not the worst room in the house either. Hence we called it the mini master. There's the master, then there's the mini master.

Because the mini master is pretty close to the master. It's got a nice size closet. It's not an en suite, but it's not a private bathroom. Yeah, it's just out of the hall. You got to walk into the hall. You have to walk into the hall. But it's still, it's probably going to be your own personal bathroom. Yeah.

If the master costs, let's say $1,000, the mini master is somewhere in the 800 range. Yes, and it might have a Juliet balcony, but it does not have a walk on balcony. Absolutely not. And you can stand at the threshold of your closet, but you will not be walking it. And if it is a Juliet one, there will be no Romeo. Wherefore art thou master? You will not be getting a kiss. Tis the east and Juliet is the master's.

And then in most three bedroom houses we've seen, so there's the master. There's the mini master. There's the mini master. And then there are some sort of maids quarters. Yes. There's a room that's borderline, not a room. That's wet, small, unwindowed, undoored, unmoored. Yeah, it was.

And unadorned. It was, let's say in the 1700s, it's where you put the hired help that just need a place to lay their head at night before serving you each and every day. Yes. The room is soiled and you are spoiled. Yeah. If the master is the thousand and the mini master is 800, the small shitty room is around 250.

250. So when living in these places, it was tough to decide who got the master, who got the mini master, who got the third bedroom. So I had an idea, which left, you, well, I'm trying to think of the… I think it germinated from like, you can have the master, but we are going to call you Kiekel. That's right. And then we started calling Marty Kiekel. Yeah.

And then it became clear that we were going to make a stay in the maids quarters, so we started calling the shittiest room of all the houses the Kiekel. Yeah. So we saved a lot of money, probably over $1,000 a month saved by living in what we now call the Kiekel. Well, my favorite part of this is we were… We toured maybe like a dozen houses, probably more with… What was her name?

Gosh, I forget. Me too. I should really know it. Maggie or Charlotte? No. Jan? No. She seemed like a Jan.

Oh, oh, oh, it's on the tip of my dick. Rebecca? Yeah. That was Patty. Yeah. Sort of like a nice Midwestern lady, real estate agent. Yeah. So she was bringing us around to every single one of these houses, and we kept on…

Every time we were walking through, it was like, all right, let's see the master. And now the Kiekel… And then she started calling. She had no idea that we're doing the dumbest bit, saying like, you're staying in the Kiekel. Well, I don't know if I can afford not living in the Kiekel, and I don't want to live in the Kiekel. So she was like, all right, this one's the Kiekel. She got it.

She started doing the bit. So with the HGTV show, about three roommates finding a house, figuring out what rooms to live in, would it be called the master, or would it be called the Kiekel? I think it would be called the master, because that was sort of instantly wrecked, yeah. And then the Kiekel will be the funny thing that you learn from watching the show. That's like the inside joke. Yeah. Someone will be staying ending up in the Kiekel.

Oh, God, the bit that we used to do, too, about like the mini master carrying out the master's bidding to whip and beat the Kiekel. Kiekel, master is going to find himself a little thirsty in the middle of the night. Kiekel, why don't you eat your shoe? Kiekel, I hate for the master to have to get out of bed tonight and urinate. Kiekel, I need you to sleep at the master's bed. Open your mouth so that he may use you as a human toilet without having to walk to the bathroom.

And then at a certain point, you would like stick up for the Kiekel. Mini master, that won't be. I'm like, master, please. I knew you were just trying to be humble. That's enough, mini master. Allow me to beat the shit out of Kiekel for you. Quiet. He just angers me so, master.

And then we would find... Kiekel struck me, master. What did you learn to think for yourself, Kiekel? Kiekel did the strangest thing to me last night, master. He expressed sadness for a situation. Do you know where Kiekel's learning basic human emotions like guilt, jealousy, greed? Master, you see this. Kiekel painted this picture of you.

It has a certain level of unhappiness. I'd hate for... Should we replace Kiekel, sir? That won't be necessary, mini master. I'd love to change Kiekel out for a fresh one. I fear this one's becoming a little bit too self-aware. If you will change him out for you, mini master. There's all these bits about Kiekel rising.

Oh man, love it. Do you live in a three-bedroom? Tell us about your Kiekel, hashtag Kiekel. That's it. That's what we call Marty. That's the episode. Fun times, good times. Let us know if you liked it.

Lightning round edition part two, I guess. The opening theme song was written by Nikita. This closing one was written by, I believe his name is Devon Penn. A disclaimer. He said he uses the N-word in it, but he's black. Well, we deemed it appropriate to air. It's not for us to decide. That's right.

We're playing it as an outro theme song. A good rap by Devon. Thanks to Devon for writing. Thanks to you guys for tweeting. Thanks to everyone else who's been writing theme songs and questions for us, that email address for everything, as if I were your show, at gmail.com. We'll be back, I think, in a week.

Is it Marcy, the real estate ladies? Yes, Marcy. That's what's up. That's your right. It is Marcy. God damn it. Good work. Thanks, Marcy.

Find Ranzillo, folks. We'll be back next week. Hopefully, we'll see you at one of our shows. Tickets for all of them are, if I were your show, dot com, or jaconamere.com. Peeth. Dos. Sit down.

Be humble. Yo, two Jewish niggas on the podcast trippin'. They got all the jokes, advice, and life is what you missin'. Hey, if you never knew how to act around a woman, or your boyfriend's micro penis fell out while y'all were swimmin', and now your friend seen it. And now they laughin' at him. That's my two favorite Jews.

How to act about it. Jake is a hunk. Amir ain't no punk. Jake got a beer, but so does Amir. But Jake's is longer, and it's kind of red, which is chill. I like that shit. If it was mine, I'd spike that shit. Like a mohawk on my fuckin' chin.

I used to not know how to ask all the questions. Then I started listenin' to this and learn some lessons. It's too chill, guys. L-O-Y's. They don't sympathize. They don't tell no lies. So, it buys bodies, guys. If I were you, what the fuck would I do?

What you do? Probably ask Jake and Amir how they feel. If I were you, what the fuck would I do? Probably ask Jake and Amir how they feel. Probably ask Jake and Amir how they feel. I said, now, if I were you, what the fuck would I do? Probably ass-shaking the mirror, how they feel, I said. This is what happens, man.

If you don't pay attention to the truth, funny as you are, man, the heck come, bro. If I were you, if you were me, if you were everybody, then everyone would see how good this thing is, man. Heck come till I die, everybody know, man. The road, the whole block, the man. This is how it go down, man. Everybody know, peace out.