If I Were You - 27: Sex Is Sex (with Pete Holmes Live At ComicCon!)

Episode Date: October 14, 2013

Comedian Pete Holmes joins us at NYComicCon for our first LIVE podcast recording. We discuss losing your virginity, getting a pet, and chasing your dreams.For more Pete, check out The Pete Holmes Show starting October 28th, midnight after Conan on TBS!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

Hey, it's Amir. Jake's not here right now. He's busy apple picking or something. That's okay. It's Sunday. He doesn't have to Work that's my job Anyway, so this is a very special episode of if I were you for for many reasons one It was our first live taping of an episode which was very exciting We recorded at NYC Comic-Con and two we had one of our favorite special guests ever It's Pete Holmes start of the Pete Holmes show on TBS So if you like Pete which you will you should like this episode and if you like Pete check out the Pete Holmes show Which is starting October 28th on TBS at midnight after Conan also excited to report that we videotape this episode

So we're gonna release that on Tuesday the day after we release the podcast if you're listening on Monday, October 14th All you can do is listen to it for now, but if you're listening to it on Tuesday And until the universe ends we're gonna have that video up and available for you guys on our YouTube channel Which is if I were you show and also you can watch it on your iPod or your iTunes or your iPhone Because we made a separate iTunes podcast for our video versions, which you can probably find on the iTunes store So please enjoy the audio. Please enjoy the video Please enjoy the episode and thank you so much for those of you who have been leaving positive reviews on our iTunes podcast We really appreciate it helps us out a lot. I still want to give you guys shout outs

There was a lot to go through But I just chose the last five. Here we go. Thank you so much to Loni 37 zero crush a nice sunset Jacqueline Weiner or Jacqueline Weiner Salmon one and a b-bit my bottom those were the last five people to leave positive reviews on our iTunes Podcast and yeah, if you want to do the same We'll try to give you a shout out as often as we do our show We'll have another bonus episode Thursday this week, but for now enjoy this episode Which we shot once again live at Comic Con. Thanks everybody except for Jake

You All right, thank you guys, thanks Shane Wow loud Thank you We met that guy earlier today, and he paid us a hundred dollars to introduce the show and We didn't take him up on it What the fuck happened? Anyway, thank you guys so much for coming to our first live taping of our podcast if I were you Just

By a show of hands how many of you guys have heard the show before Wow for those of you guys only listening at home. Nobody raised their hand just now The entire room just stared at me silently several people just walking out Shane's leading an exit party Shane why? We'll give you a hundred dollars But so for those of you who don't know the way it works is people email us They're difficult

Situations, they're in a sticky place in their lives, and they don't know what to do and they're so desperate that they email us idiots For advice my friends. Don't ask me for advice. You don't have any friends And then they Get off me and we do our best to answer luckily It's usually just me and Jake sometimes we have a guest and today We have a very very very special guest that we're very very excited about so if you guys can put your hands together for Peter Holmes I Thought that was you no

If I make a really good joke or if anybody makes a really good joke or if anybody makes a really good point or really If there's any excuse to do the usher sound we do the usher sound. Oh really? One request before we start can we turn a mirrors mic? Impossibly higher and Jake's mic down a little bit. Wow. It is so quiet I need mine at a 20 out of 10 and Jake's at a 2. Is it really loud for you guys? No, he was just joking It was already very high. It is getting louder. Let's get you were joking, right? I didn't know nobody is here. God did that And we appreciate it Jesus

Which Jesus which one Mormon or regular? Extra tasty crispy or Mormon I thought extra tasty crispy would be Mormon because they took original recipe Jesus Added more spices any Latter-day Saints here today. Whoo. No shit the Colonel himself So this is a religion podcast yes, okay, yeah, mostly faith-based questions if I were Jew I Time that's our time. Yeah, thanks so much for the old one joke Podcast try to cram in more than one joke, but we're sort of like a one joke and out type deal. I guess yeah, yeah, yeah

I like that. Yeah So Pete you want to get started yeah, doesn't this this room looks like the holodeck if you didn't turn it on yet Very plain is what I'm saying. Yeah, baby. This is just like a pair of dockers if it were a room There's a lot of negative energy a lot of negative space. There's not a lot of intimacy I see a lot of smiling faces, but I feel so far from you Indiana You belong in a museum You're looking good feeling good. I just want to do crowd work. It's great. I have a front-row seat I don't know. Are you are you somebody?

I'm a nobody Told me my whole life stand up and take your shirt off sir. I wouldn't believe you could be Scott Pilgrim Anything you want Confidence just a regular kid from Canada. That's fine Okay, I know it's a visual medium. So I'll stop is that a what are you I Sincerely hope you're somebody not just here to bomb us all just a guy in a cave The guy's wearing a ski mask With a black hoodie. Yeah, that's the last thing. I'll see before I die. I assume

I'm sorry. I don't recognize it. But are you what is it called and Star Wars where you? Are you one of the week and you get the R2 Union? He's leaving you're making him leave. He's not leaving you son of a bitch Whoa, you don't know who you are? You just went with the terror that lives in your heart You're just like however that comes out. I like killing things go He didn't know you was a comic-con. Yeah That is that's very creative and a living in the Chavitt Center all the time Blends in four days a year. All right, let's get started. All right, let's do it first question

We're gonna give this person a fake name just because we don't want to out him as a real human So we'll all about you super grover. Yeah Matt you What's your name, sir? Yeah, okay, so BJ right BJ BJ rights I have this best friend who started going out with this girl a few weeks ago They seem to have a nice relationship

But the thing is she's been given me these sexual looks sometimes the kind of looks that say I want to bang you I Think we all know that look I Not exactly like this girl, but hey sex is sex Should I leave these sexual advances unanswered or should I mount this girl hard core? If I go for it, how do I stick this chick without getting caught? Thanks for the help love BJ if I only Even if I didn't know anything else about BJ situation if I only heard the sense should I mount this girl hard core I would I would hate him as much as I still do Yeah, that should never mount right

Never say you're mounting that'll really ruin the mood if once you begin making love you go. I've mounted you You've been mounted by the beach my star Why were you giving me all those hor looks? You're dating my is any dating. Yes, you're dating his best friend So he doesn't even like her, but he's still like I don't know sex is sex I might ruin my friendship and my friend's relationship. Yeah, I was trying to mount somebody You got a mount. Well, you got a mount. That's true, man And who says sex is sex if you're just like sex is sex you're doing it wrong

It's supposed to feel like Christmas on your dick And they expel tinsel all over the globe so God that was too dirty for me Next question Shit the broken power he's already mounted her it's too late She gave him those bang me. No, the answer is don't be an asshole. You fucking asshole Quit being a piece of shit and keep your fucking friendship. You fucking fuck This stop writing your worst impulses to an internet show That is happen to be this is how you lost your girlfriend, right? That's how I lost my wife

It's just probably the motherfucker that fucked my wife I've mounted her unfortunately Hey sex is sex. Yeah, that's what I said as I came Yeah, that is a real vaginal dehumidifier that whole letter Whatever was moist is dry at the end of that one. Those are real men. That's my group. They're in my group I'm not proud of our group. I'm prouder of the guy who dressed like a living nightmare Than the guy who sex is sex got a mount something Is there you think there's an actual look that means I want to bang you right?

I think this guy's never had sex in his life actually. He thinks every look means that I think so He's got that disease where you can't read people's faces. You're gonna be that look exactly. Holy shit. I have to mount you I think I'm not gay, but hey sex is sex This is fun, we've never done this show for more than one person Is that true you just stick to one person we just it's either me and Jake and nobody or me Jake and one other guest Oh, I see bring the whole show people. I understand. I didn't understand any of that and now He's still nothing Rumbling all right powering through next question. Wait, do we give him advice? Don't do it, right? Yeah, don't do it

Cool go and you're an asshole. Yeah, so don't do it one you're an asshole to sex isn't sex sex three It's it's dick Christmas. Yeah Or dick Naka depending on your religion Poor Naka Kha Kwanzaa Kha Kwanzaa The helpful heckler I have one Ramadik you don't have sex for 30 days and then you fuck when the Sun goes down Ramadik

You can't eat my cock after after sunrise, right? Is that how that's what it is? Yeah, that was that was more accurate Jesus Christ All right, good good work. Yeah Go team. I'm proud of us. Just go to the next question. Okay Hey guys guy in the hoodie. What's your name? Yeah, you the guy whose face is terrifying Mark That's what's so sweet about comic-con is you get to be whoever you want to be your mark you work at the UPS store Your girlfriend Judy's a real real yappy, bro

And you come here and you just live your fantasy of being a serial killer Is this your girlfriend? You don't look yappy. You're very sweet. Oh, it's kind of terrifying to see him grab you If you were buying on marked van, I would have come to your aid Holy shit her nose is bleeding right now He did that. Do you need help? Blink a couple times He can't see you or anything. Just walk out of the room if you need help

You didn't you didn't dress up though. You're just going as reluctant girlfriend Or are you dressed up as oh, you are who are you? Penelope bond sweets Yeah Murphy Brown right. Yeah, I've seen that episode. You're Sarah Silverman Isn't doesn't it isn't she played by the look of on your face as you've never heard those words Oh, it's real to her Sarah Silverman. No, yeah. Yeah. Well, we've learned a lot today Let's learn a little more mark writes I'm 19 years old and I'm turning 20 in two months

I've gone to second and third base with a couple girls, but I live in the south So both girls ended up being too conservative for home play I haven't had any action in a year and I'm feeling a little psyched out by still being a virgin at almost 20 I got on the subject with my co-worker and he recommended visiting one of those high-class hotel escorts So I can get the whole thing over and done with Mm-hmm. That's the right reaction Do you think that that would be a dumb idea or do you think that that would actually help out? Thanks mark? Can I just submit that his friend who told him to go to an escort was probably BJ from the first letter?

I Sexy sex throw down some money. Who gives a shit you got a mountain catch up front mouth move on ruin a friendship Just fuck the money $100 bill and fuck the money. It's like getting a BJ from Ben Franklin the BJ from p.m. Oh Ben Franklin blowjob humor pretty standard pretty standard well try nobody say if we go after them all Hey, I don't know I'd also like to say if you're if you're concerned about losing your virginity stop saying psyched out and using the base system It's not fair. It doesn't work with a girl if you're like, oh baby, I'm on third right now Come on, let me oh the umpires dusting off home

That's what you call taking your panties That is so fucked up. I'm so sorry. There's a play at the plate. Oh He's out. Yeah, I don't know if you've ever been listening to a comedian talk and realize he's offensive And then you realize you're that comedian. Yeah, that's what just happened to me I'm like, I don't care for this guy and it's me Am I the only one who thinks he should fuck the whore? Well, I don't know if that's very sensitive to the night walking community Yeah, that's what I'm saying. I'm trying to be like high-powered classy escort sex positive empowered working woman. Yeah

He should fuck her Either way and put it in the bud Sex to sex right brother He's only 20 20 is not that old for him to start worrying about plan C. Yeah What's plan C plan C is the prostitute. Oh, I see. Yeah, B is the abortion pill. Yeah, he's the prostitute Plan A is actually finding someone to sleep with yeah, I think I think he's too desperate at too young of an age I agree when I was 20, I hadn't been to third base or second base. I haven't even picked up the fucking bat yet I

Was still a big five looking for helmets Trying to find a used one for half off So I think the true answer is just just relax right relax. That's the nice answer Yeah, Jake's answer is 20 years old is too old to be a virgin Says the fucking good-looking freak next to me You fucking weirdo beat it For the weird faces like this one in this one You're over here. Why are you leaning on a motorcycle with smoking a cigarette like you want to go back to my place?

Why are you fucking currently? You bifocaled slut I don't know. I don't think anybody I was 21. I was about to turn 22 when I lost my virginity anybody beat that higher And he all like who's the oldest person here that's still a virgin. Oh god I'm serious Fuck you right now You know what let's bring up the top two just so I can see the next champion after I bet the winner What's that oh

I know I came to comic-con to get laid son sex is sex sex is sex sex is sex This feels more than right It's wrong finally No, I think I think this guy could and she at least don't have sex. Don't lose your virginity to a High-powered escort. Yeah, that's that's your story for the rest of your life. That's a good story No, actually, I think that's bullshit the having a story for the right who tells their virginity story Like it's a good thing like no one does that you don't have to have a special virginity You're just a tourist lyon fool. Yeah, but so is yours. Mine's like at least it's bad

It's embarrassing, but yours is like boring Well, which is worse. I don't know. I think they're both the same 45 minutes, this is the worst thing that's ever happened to me now This is your nightmare. I lost my virginity to a mirror. All right. It's on the open Not me, but somebody named me All right, Jake's not gonna do it Should we run to the next question? Yeah. Oh, you realize we're all just imagining something worse than what it probably is You know what? You're actually not my car. I know the story and I assure you his is worse

What were you in taken what happened? First of all mark was there For you in taken I have a very specific set of turn on They're going to fuck you How old were you 20s to all deal you can say that 14 that's too young That's too young. I don't think it was okay. He was a man in the eyes of Jewish God It was post Bar Mitzvah It was

Bar Mitz was 13 boning 14 therapy 15 podcast 27 Seven years of crippling loneliness and then Ben Franklin S is your D at age 29, and then I'm dead by 30 perfect I think it's gross You just playing shoots and ladders and then you're like GoldenEye of basement Man, that is where it was Was there the stacks the library the mines. No, yeah, I got laid in complex

Proximity mines Good choice. Thank you Job this is something we've never done get a question from someone we can physically see and talk to That may be a fun little treat. That's right So what we should call their name and they can come up? Is it okay if I read your guys's real name it's this is a question about dealing with a dog Allison B. Are you here Allison? You're here. Is it okay that I said Allison B? It's okay. Come on stage Allison B. Let's give it up for Allison B

Allison B writes oh, I wrote how do you get close to the microphone get right in there? Yeah, how do I get a dog without having to care for it every day? How do I get a dog without having to care for it every day step one? Never promise me never get a dog Step two get one of those Japanese you got to feed me beat beat video game Step three what you're looking for is called a cat Step four, thank you for playing Wow, that was fucking quick

That was efficient. So a dog is a little much. It's mostly I'm not home all the time. Yeah, they got diarrhea and shit And you don't want a cat either. I'm allergic your allergic to dog shit or two dogs. No two cats She's allergic to cats. Got it. So get a dog and get like a man servant I think I think I might just stick to YouTube clips YouTube clips of dogs. Does yearning? Only watching pornography and never fucking when you were 14 You know what you need to do is you need a you have a boyfriend I do where is he? I'm at a different panel. He's in a different panel. You know where you should break up with them at home taking care of your dog Yeah, get one of those real submissive types. You'll meet a bunch here

Mark for example My god, I didn't mean that as an insult. I mean is one of us What do you think I think I'm a tough guy? I am that I am a real submissive boyfriend I'll do it. What's your boyfriend's name a Trent Trent? That sounds like a guy who shouldn't be here He's not and he's not gonna take care of the car. Here's what you say who let the dog starve Trent Who fed the dog and didn't complain about it Caleb Find a Caleb or a Verne or a gene. Yeah, you need a gene a gene never killed a dog That's absolutely right. You'll only find gene with some peanut butter

Come on comic-con. I know you know what that means You guys are fun You meant peanut butter on your dick. I meant make a dog Ben Franklin you I Think we're running we're coming close to the record for Ben Franklin blow job jokes I think no, no they shattered it. There was a Xena panel in 97 Where Lucy Lawless just wouldn't stop saying eat my box Ben Franklin She actually tied a key to her clitoris And walked outside in a goddamn storm

So many names that invented the first dildo. Wow. Yeah, that's accurate. Anyway, don't get a dog Although Have you thought about getting a dog and just feeding it every other day? Or one of those Rick Moranis, honey I shrunk the kids things that like you know kind of mousetrap style feeds the dog for you. Oh, yeah What? It's a good movie came out before anybody here was born and so I'd never seen a movie before 1983 I

Did we help you with your dilemma? Sure She's gonna go get a dog right now. Let's go to Browson Thank You Alison Who you can get a lizard? Nobody gives a fuck about a lizard. Yeah, you can kill as many lizards as you want. They're basically disposable Just buy a lizard don't feed it wait till it's dead and then go get another one And the new one can eat the carcass of the old lizard that'll that'll give you twice as long of a lizard life That's great. It's our lizard food. Oh, yeah, hot lizard on lizard action

Liquefy them like in the matrix. Oh Hot lizard on lizard shit somebody said what in the matrix they liquefied the dead to keep the people in the pods alive Is that true Jesus Christ Where are we right now? I thought we were in Mark's basement What All right, let's read another at-home question. Cool. This one comes from what's your name, sir Xavier cool name. Nice. Is Professor X's name Xavier? You should just what it was it? Oh Charles Xavier's his last name is Xavier your first name is your last name Charles. Yeah

Now remember your joke about what exhibits real name is Xavier's a bit One of my favorite jokes we I thought you came up with that I did I just wanted to give you some credit. All right I Know I thought you came up with it. All right next question from Xavier. Hey guys I'm a freshman at the University of Illinois, but it was but it was not easy to get here My mom really wanted me to stay at home and commute to a local college After a full year of begging she finally let me go the problem is that I really hate it here

Don't get me wrong. There are plenty of babes, which is the real reason to go to college. Am I right? The problem is school is too hard. I hate everyone in my dorm when we suck at the sports plus my room It is a total lightweight and pukes every night So please Please please help should I go back home with my tail between my legs and admit? I was wrong or stay in champagne Urbana. That's the way the University of Illinois is love Xavier Well Xavier I Think what you really need to do there's a third option

You could go back home and your mom would be like I told you and you'd never take another chance for the rest of your life Or you're already far away now. Just go to any other school and be like it's like I'm still at the University of Illinois with my weird lightweight roommate There you go, but I feel like he won't like any school with this attitude. Well. Yeah, he's possible the other there's a million options for Little Xavier here He's he has a really bad attitude He hates school because they're bad at sports. Yeah, and because he hates his classes. Yeah, well, he sucks at his classes Oh, sorry, you hate school because you suck

Wait you suck at your classes the school is too hard He said he's pretty smart. Well, this guy isn't the real Xavier. Oh, yeah, that's just the name. We chose Oh, he's emanating a discomfort that I Know what you need your attitude dick Okay, okay, I wonder your annual answer was so genuine. Yeah, it was very yeah because he's right there He's like close enough to punch you in the face if you said what you wanted to yeah Now that I know he's not here fucking grow up piece of shit

That's Xavier Keep strong, you know, I mean like it's always hard the first year. I didn't like my college the first year That's not really a savior. You're a real Tough it up. Oh, that's me. Yeah, well What do you think you haven't answered a goddamn question yet, I'm sort of a reader in that regard It's if you hate everyone in your dorm, you're the problem. Yeah, you're that weird guy There's never like you're with 90 other people and they're all assholes. It doesn't everyone suck No, man, everyone gets along

Except for you Xavier. It's this email another couple self-help emails manifesto That's what we're dealing with like you know bomber style. Yeah, the next thing he writes will be to the government He'll still email us if I were you show at gmail.com, but it'll be addressed to the government In the two subject Please forward to the government at government dot gov. I don't want to help this guy because he's sort of an asshole Yeah, I want to tell him to go home with his tail between his legs because he failed go live with your mom forever So that's what he deserved. I think it's easy to hate college though. Maybe just he's That's one of the big misconceptions people like it's the greatest time of your life. It's not that great

It's better once you're out. You got it. Like I was I went to college didn't like it Drop well, I dropped out, but also they wouldn't they didn't want me back. So it's sort of like a mutual relationship Yeah, it was like, um, I don't want to go to you anymore and they're like what you can't and I was like good And they're like, no, no, not good Mandatory like whatever not whatever. Please leave fine shut up We won't shut up. We actually are this school Fucking transcript or try to transfer you didn't fail you failed every class and then I went to a different school and Then I dropped out of that one

Could have gone back didn't want to The third school dropped out again. Wow. Yeah, three for three and then finally I went to my fourth school and also hated it and dropped out So shit, you don't need to go to college if you don't want I'm up here with Pete Holmes and a mere balloon That's true and Ben Franklin's under the table giving him a rib job So everything works out drop out of school drop out of school Yeah, that was good. Good commitment. You guys aren't gonna drop out You commit to things and stick them out promise me you won't you'll commit to school like you committed to that chant

Very little me. Yeah, this show is sponsored by better help Thank you better help if you're finding yourself in a difficult anxious Stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that Difficult place and it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist Especially one in your area But better help makes that all easy because it's online therapy designed to be convenient flexible and suitable to your schedule You just fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapists at any time for no additional

Charge it's incredibly helpful therapy has helped millions of people over thousands of years So give therapy a try it can give you the tools to find a more balanced life. I've tried therapy. It's been very helpful So you can find that balance better with better help All you got to do is go to better help comm slash if I were you you do that today You can get 10% off your first month So the prices are already affordable because you're not paying rent for a building somewhere that you have to drive to and wait in a waiting room This is done entirely online, but you're still getting professional

Licensed help and it's extra affordable. That's better help HELP comm slash if I were you check them out. Thanks better help Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show Wow for years and years and years We've been ranting and raving about Squarespace because it's the best way for dummies like me and Potentially you that don't necessarily know how to code or design to create a professional looking website So if you're building an online portfolio for yourself or a loved one or you want to sell stuff online You can do an online store. They have 24 7 live customer support email campaigns Data you can even purchase a domain name through Squarespace

For example, I didn't even look this up, but there's no way you can't buy a mere Blumenfeld is a good dude Com I bet that's available and you can have it today and you can buy it through Squarespace and build an awesome website dedicated to me Or I guess dedicated to anyone else in your life And maybe you want to give somebody a gift this Season a summer birthday coming up who doesn't want a website So the best way to do that is to go to squarespace.com Slash if I were you for a free trial and when you're ready to launch Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain

Again squarespace.com slash if I were you free trial. Everything looks good. Let's launch it Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you Squarespace Let's take another Person who's actually here question Xavier. No, he didn't write in Natasha Natasha, are you up in here up in here? Natasha D. Is that you? Did you ask a question about your career path? Let's come on up Natasha Then Franklin blow job

Natasha, do you want me to read this for you? Do you want to read it? She wants to read it. I'll read it How dare you sir I've gotten a paper cut How is that fair at what cost? All right, make sure to get really close real close real close this close. It's okay. Oh closer kiss that This is how you get off. Do you see the fucking Can you mount it

I'm not comfortable Go ahead Natasha. I asked my question now. Yeah. Yeah, okay So I'm about to graduate from college and I need to decide on a career path. I really like neuroscience But I'm also a pretty bang an opera singer. I'm serious So I could do either which one should I choose? Well, I guess I want to hear you sing opera. I want to see you perform brain surgery And they'll compare and contrast Yeah, so your question was you're really good at neuroscience you're really good at opera which is an opera real quick

Yeah, you wrote it so you kind of have to say I Don't know what opera supposed to sound like but that was gay Yeah, that was like I we like like blink 182 Like Can you do like voices are supposed to sound like sweetheart Tom DeLong Sorry, I'm like that kind of pissed me off like it made me cry and I wasn't ready for that That was incredible, thank you for that. I've never been that close to an opera singer before yeah, well, will you kiss the microphone again?

So what's the career path of opera, how does that work? Um, I Am not sure I think I kind of just go to an opera company and audition and then just go from roll to roll It's a it's a very like Unstable career you kind of don't know where it's coming, but people have told me that I can do it Well, it's lovely, but it's an unstable career. It's it's a niche market And it's a language no one understood Oh Jesus Christ, even though they were joking most of the country is uncultured boobs that'll be like what?

And everybody has a brain so go with the neuroscience No, and then while you're operating or whatever the fuck sing some of that shit. It'll give them something to live for There you go So I'm making things better for people No, I hate that advice You really how many people told you not to do stand-up how many people told you that was not a viable career option Yeah, there aren't too many TV networks dedicated to opera Well, you know there are well there are theaters dedicated to opera

Yeah, you've been you've been to one. I know they exist. I Don't know. I mean look no, he's he does make a valid point I should tell you to go for your artistic dream, but I am saying you should do both I mean you don't have to do opera for a living now You're making me feel like I should tell it to drop out of school drop out of school How do you say that in Latin? Is it latin or is it Italian? That was Italian. It was it had latin

You uncultured big And Latin nuance to it like the English language. Yeah, I don't know guy You'd have to you know what I would say find somebody that does opera for a living and ask them You know what I mean? Well, yeah, can you just like go on this path? Like sort of you can take classes like neuroscience classes keep on practicing singing and then this sounds like Can you delay this decision any longer than you already have? What can you delay making this decision any longer than you already have? Well, I have to apply to the graduate schools for neuroscience now right now. Yeah today

I'm in the middle of it. Don't worry. Oh fuck but then like If I don't have an actual opera career, then people won't want to hire me because I haven't been singing Why don't you just apply to graduate school and then see if you get in and if you do then you could go and if you Don't then you become an opera singer the classic If I'm not a doctor, I'll just go into the opera Tom Marotti 1963 Yeah, just find a fat Italian eating a sandwich with 18 different meats in it and be like, how did you do it?

Oh Thank you, there's gonna be a lot of opera on the show, so I hope we helped you out and we probably didn't But if nothing else you sang so lovely and everybody cheered real hard harder than I think there's an opera scout here Thank you so much. Thank you very much Her dilemma kind of sounds like the plot of an opera That story. Yeah. Yeah, that's cool. Like a modern opera. You should write your own opera Or like this like patient is brain dead and then like she starts singing sounds back to life The electricity like starts like getting into her

Passageways like keep singing keep singing. No, it's working. That would be the first time opera woke someone up Oh Do you tip 20% on that service Jesus, I love opera it's lovely Opera I love the hitman level where you go behind the opera What fuck you I thought I thought these were my people DJ loves it. Yeah, DJ's into it. Thanks, buddy. Don't let my glasses fool you. I know nothing about video games. Yeah I meant to fantasy football Are you fancy football? Yeah, I fancy football

It's like Butler's playing football Butler University specifically you ever see like Tom Brady attended events. Yeah, that's like fancy football That's where I get off like the Met Ball You literally found the only type of fantasy that isn't represented here You know what I like following sports fucking beat it. This is our time You kicked everyone out of this room single-handedly not these people you Should we keep going should we take a break what do you want to do? I don't know man shit. You want to talk about your show? DJ wants me to

Be these are agent right? DJ is my agent. Well, yeah, it's gonna be on after Conan four nights a week at midnight on TBS It's called the Pete Holmes show It's gonna have a lot of stuff that I think you guys might like already like the Batman videos that we've done with college humor will be represented on the show Yeah, thank you so much And we'll be doing other there's you know, not just a panor the comic book stuff But we just shot a series of nine X-Men sketches, which is very exciting and other stuff that if you're familiar with my podcast

We'll kind of have that Yeah, okay Yeah, that's very nice. Thank you You'll have a very similar Sensibility to the podcast nobody coming on the show is promoting anything. It's not really about like plugging a movie It's about like friends joking around. Yeah, I hate plugs I fucking hate when like people just like start plugging their shit. It's not about that. This is a fucking free-flowing conversation We don't have to talk about shit

Midnight when is it on when is it on when is it on TBS on TBS at midnight? That is so funny. I'm being honest That was like her opera singing of comedy that was like virtuoso I didn't even realize I was plugging while I was talking about how I don't like plugging But yeah, that's basically the show and the monologue isn't really gonna be like pulled from the headline setup punch That we're kind of used to it's gonna be more in line like my stand-up So I hope people like it Pete Holmes calm for more info. Yeah Thank you You say this is your dream job. Did I would you have I can you?

35 minutes later Of course, it's a dream job It's I've always wanted to have a show and just a home for all the different things that I do and this is this is a perfect fit And you know, I used to kind of keep it to myself because it was so preposterous of a dream to say I want to have a late-night show, but there are people professors of mine in college that called me and we're like This is the thing we talked about in college and here it is happening. So it is really surreal and Wonderful, I'm very grateful. It's the logo you're handwriting. It is my handwriting. Yeah, that's that's the kind of budget. We're working with We need a logo. There you go. Now take a photo of me fucking the sky

And we got That was your pitch that was my elevator pitch I'll write my name and I have sex with a And they did it I sir sir put down the gun We will put you on after Conan All right, let's get to two more questions from the audience. Hell. Yeah, let's do it Michael F talking about staples Are you up in here Michael F? Come on stage

Oh Michael F doing what he do Do you want me to read this one or do you want to read it? I'll have you read it. There you go. Good call great call Leave move your lips so it sounds like you're doing it. Yeah lips. Thank you So I currently work at a staples as a computer technician and just recently the position for lead tech Supervisor just opened up now my best friend of maybe ten years lives, breathes and maybe even eats staples That's how obsessed he is he has been working the hardest He's ever worked for something trying to get the promotion and the other day

My manager comes up to me and offers me the job and I can give to Excuse my language motherfucking shits about that place. I don't even try Should I scumbag him over? Consider I actually need the money to put myself through school or should I give it up and give it to my friend? Wow, that's a good one noble noble. You're even thinking about it. You're even considering yet Even if he doesn't do it, it's noble for you to even ask us about it. Is your friend is your friend here right now? Damn it. This would have been really easy. I I'm gonna say before we get to the advice

I think it's probably a bad idea to cross a man who gives a fuck about staples This man will destroy you and categorize your remains in a very clean and easy to find way With food and snacks by the register. I I just You don't you don't want to cross him. Yeah, he's gonna hide your body and say that was easy I was waiting for mine I was sitting on that You just why did your why did the manager choose you? Is your guy like so obsessed that he's annoying? He's like, I don't want to promote this asshole. He gives two is it like a joint shrew kind of situation

I wouldn't say so. He's he's a good tech, but I guess I'm better Okay, well here's the reality you need the money. It's not your decision and they came to you, right? If you pass up the promotion today automatically choose him that you I would say so I would say they would give him But you don't know that you could ask you would you know, buddy? Will you give it to the lunatic who keeps reorganizing the post-its just eating staples? Yeah I Can yeah I'm just thinking lion king style

Do it take the money take the money does anyone think he shouldn't take the money? Your friendship's more valuable No, you're saying he should take the money Okay, so the one person that raised their hand thought like miss her the question, right? Yeah Who thinks he should give it to his friend? 10 years Not long enough not a lot of hands It's like a real friend would get over it says professor Xavier Charles. I think he knows everything. That was beautiful

Be honest. How much do you like them? I? Mean no homo, but a lot no I think you're homo that's maybe a desert island alone for six months no rescue coming you're gonna You're gonna sneak it in there just for warmth Day two It's a tropical island. I'm not very cold, but this is Disney Lake. Oh, okay I You know what I would say because you don't give a fucking it and because it does seem like something you could do somewhere else

Maybe you do give it to your friend and just get another job. Okay, I agree I Say it's not your decision to take the job or not That's the manager's obligation. He gave it to you to say no would be slapping you're a superior in the face You would be a bad employee not to take the promotion So take it. Don't break it. It took your mother nine months to make it I'm with Amir take it You know what? I don't think you guys are doing what which is what I did to consider my answer

I'm picturing my best friend at my job. Oh, I did not do that I'm being real like as far as when I was looking at it. It's just like faceless gray computer people I was like, yeah, fuck him. I need the money and they offered it to me But when I picture like my sweet wonderful best friend, I you got it You got to see what I'm doing here is I'm making him my best friend Oh, and I want him to I want him to have a good job I want him to make the money and I would tell you the same thing make new friends But keep the old one a silver the other school

Holy shit, did you just make that up? No fucking right But at the same time if you take it, that's fine. Just use your money to buy a new friend Like an iPad How much of a pay rise are we looking at like double of what I make like double money Money is so good, dude. Are you shitting me? Yeah, do you realize you can't buy shit with friendship right money? You like like you can't go to a store money dude. You can't get like an iPhone 5s Yeah, here's money the other thing though you take it You don't give a fuck about the company and they want you to be like your friend and you're not so now you're you got more money

For what fucking churros to eat alone? I'm sticking with my last thing you want to do is wrong staples I agree actually that mega cheese is very shady This is shitty company Well, I can't really say they did they did maybe you know people here Yeah, don't yeah, I don't know how people listen to spies everywhere They did this on season one of the office where they offered Tim the promotion and he gave it to Gareth. That's beautiful Yeah, I

Did quote the original office. I thought I was in a safe place There's no answer to this question I need to meet this guy if I don't like his face I'm going But that's why we ask this because you need unbiased you need an unbiased advice like I don't know your friend I'm telling you you know him. You know you're like you're stuck in that situation. I got to your head What do you choose? Oh, Jesus Christ. Oh, actually I have a gun Mark bring your weapon up here, you know listen to your heart Yes, you would take it. I mean you take the job. Well, see now you're making this hard for me I thought you guys help me out. No, I see you first of all you might be a better employee

You might be well suited for it What if you're a better what if you're gonna be a better lead technician than this guy? Yeah, you got to think about staples here Fuck yeah, you're right, man. You gotta think about your education. This is where it come. Yeah, you got you need that money for college Fuck your friend. Whatever his name is You know what go put yourself through college get a really good job start a company hire your friends This is so frightening start your own staples. Actually, I would love to invest in your education myself. I Would love that. All right, cool. I'll double your salary to quit your job tomorrow Kill your friend. What are we talking about?

I had a stroke should this guy get a dog or not It's a hard one. It's a hard one All right, we tried you got you got to go with your jobs and one stick with your wife Simpsons, yeah, I just don't want to go into a staples in 50 years and see an old man Why are you still working here? It's like well, I used to have a friend Oh Shut up just tell me where the toner is man What's toner why are you wearing Google glasses? Those were never in style

He just hits the ceiling oh Right ceiling still exists Familiar ceiling We got some sadness out of it. We had some laughs. We learned stuff. I'm mildly aroused and thanks for playing We're almost out of time, but we can get there one last question one last question. How are you feeling about that Pete? Oh, well cue, baby. Let's do one last cue Scott Scott M. In the house about looking up at two different or three different babes My dude player Wow player

He's a player He's a cosplayer. Yeah, you can read it Scott. He's gonna read it Confident group here at Comic Con. Oh, Ben Franklin just went over there to blow him We're all done to the table on all fours All right Get as close as you can to the microphone because we want to we want our listeners at home to be able to hope and none of them are Listening to this sure because that would be worse. Um, this is probably also one of the douchiest things I've ever asked Yep, um in the past week. I met met went out with or hooked up with three different girls and

I don't know Nice That's everybody And yeah, pretty much I know if I mess this up I'm gonna be in a dry spell for like six or seven months So what should I do to avoid that? Nobody goes from three chicks to dry spell The attitude's hurting you. Why do you think you're gonna go into a dry spell? It's happened before You know that from three to dry your dry spell is fucking two girls instead of three My life is a dry spell sir

People don't know who I am your handsome without glasses. You don't realize how difficult that is for someone like me Without this crutch on my face. I'm ugly without them. Jesus. I'm your size is too. It's up in the morning every day Right in the mirror when you have dry spells in the past the week before those dry spells. How many people did you fuck? No, it just it always turns out that I meet a couple girls at the same time And then I try to pick one and then I mess up and then I meet none for a while Are you on tinder? Yes dough It's yeah, go for it man, you know, you're never gonna have a dry season. You're no dry spell your monsoon season now Raining pussy juice on you. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry Pete. Don't say raining pussy juice

I'm raining. I can't do you say and I'll try and sound like you. It's raining pussy juice. It's raining pussy juice I'm Jake and I'm good looking You son of a bitch One time drunk with power I will destroy you Here's what you do Fucking relax Keep you know enjoying your plenty and then when one of the

Options strikes a chord in your heart you go. Hey, you and me sugar plum Then you throw a coin in a wishing well and you have some children and then one day you tell those kids your daddy got And went with three different women one week And then you have some good Lord to tell them But I think it's a confidence issue you need to relax everybody's gonna be really excited you came up here tonight I bet there's lots of people in here that would sleep with you. I know that guy is up for anything So relax, how old are you? 24 oh that shit you're running out of time

Fucking he was boning 10 years ago 24 playing candy land in his underwear with a fucking weirdo girl you know So yeah relax he's into it and enjoy it How do you still have a confidence issue after hooking up with three girls in a week and a half that doesn't work Are these girls super super low self-esteemers? Oh, no, it's just fun. It's fun. I know I know what you're doing right now You like it Man, I'm having so many problems. Which one of these girls do I like I have my life's hard

No, it's not we're having the best time ever. Yeah, you're like Heisenberg. You didn't do it for your family Did you did it for yourself? Enjoy it use Tinder Yeah Also for all you know each of those girls is having sex with three other guys as well So you might have a nice right constellation as we call it in the polyamory community Thanks for coming to sex nerd Sandra. I've been Sandra and You've been Jake and you've been a mirror and you got to wrap this up. I got sex with Sandra everybody

This has been the savage love cast thanks for joining us. All right, thanks so much He just he dives off stage into a pussy and then it carries him away far far away Wow to a place none of us can go but we all want to well you can go there. All right, see you there buddy Jake's like only three you are in a dry spell That is our time. Thank you so much for you guys for coming. Thank you guys And thank you Pete Holmes. Yeah, Pete Holmes Thank you for having me and thank you guys for playing along and please watch the beat on show You can watch the Pete Holmes shows starting October 28th at midnight and you can listen to our podcast every Monday

At whenever the hell you want because it's a podcast. So that's sort of how it works. Thanks so much everybody I