If I Were You - 272: Return of the Game Boy

Episode Date: May 1, 2017

The Game Boy returns to discuss crushing, sweating, and Jake's feet.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. Welcome to If I Were You. Look, you need some advice, and Jake and Amir can spin it all night. Yes, so roll up and hang your coat up, so these cork divas can stop the show. What? So you're just right in to If I Were You show. Enroll you in the worst class class you'll ever know, so keep it Gucci. Yeah, you better play nice, cause these two Jews and Kobe, the hell are tight.

Mmm. Solid. Jazzy and Mrazzy. It was very Mrazzy. It was Mraz. Jason Jazz. Jason Jazz. If you want to shout me out, writes Isaac Balson.

Just look up Mild Card on YouTube. That's his full album. So Mild Card, Isaac Balson on YouTube. That's a nice pun. Mild Card. Yeah, I like that. Oh, everyone knows about a wild card. Well, I'm a Mild Card.

That's funny. That's actually, that's really funny. Yeah. So that's how you start laughing. You tell yourself it's funny, then you say it's really funny, and then you can laugh. And your laugh is also, oh, you're dying. You're dying. You think any other animals laugh?

Hyenas. Very good. Thank you. But do, like, do dogs find things funny? I think they find things humorous and silly, but they're like a little, they don't like giggle. They're more of like a, not bad. And what about chimpanzees?

If I were to slip on a banana peel, would they chuckle to themselves? Yeah, they would find that. Is that a... That's what I imagined that to sound like. I feel like dolphins laugh. And it sounds a little bit like this. I've heard a dolphin that was just like, ha ha ha. Okay.

He had a mustache and was holding a briefcase. And he was... He was on his way to work. Yeah, he had, he folded a New Yorker in half and he was reading it on the, on the L-I-R-R. And he was like... I hopped off the subway, rolled the New Yorker nice and tight into the back pocket, and then a really tight whistle for a cab. Why did you think that was a dolphin that did that?

It was. I swear to God. He had a flipper, a fin, and a blowhole. And then the cab pulled up. It sprayed a young girl with some water from a puddle and he went, ha ha ha. It was a little cruel. But yeah, it was a dolphin. 100% a sea mammal.

And he laughed. And then another cab did it to him and he was like, this is actually good. I can sort of exist both in and out of water. Yeah. Pretty neat. So thanks to Mildcard and Isaac Balson for that. This is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet, hosted by I. And I.

Jake and I. And Amir and me. Jake, I, Amir, me. Come on over to the mic, I. What? Our friend Ivan. Hey, I. I.

There's a, there was a barbershop quartet once that came to our middle school. And I still remember to this day, they count the part of the song was counting in Roman numerals. The wheels on a big rig. So they're like, there is I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, V, V, I, I, V, I, I, V, I, X, X, I. And like kept on going to 18. And I was enamored with them. Really? I ended up living with not the baritone, but what's the second lowest one?

They're the baritone. Yeah. A tenor. A tenor. So I spent, I gave, I gave the tenor. The soprano. I gave the tenor a tenor and I said, I'd love to just have your life for a bit. And he's like, do you want me to, do you want me to teach you how to sing?

Yeah. And you said, no, thank you. I just want to live with you. And he said, I could take you in for a week or two, as long as your parents don't mind. And I said, they don't. And so I hopped into his, they were like all coming into, they all went into a van. And we hit up another, we hit up another middle school and then I ended up living with Sven for, yeah, two weeks.

He kidnapped you. I feel like you have some sort of Stockholm syndrome where you remember it like you wanted to be there, but it doesn't sound like that. It was dark in Sven's house. Yeah. Pitch black and dust. How long is it Sven? What?

Since you... Oh, very good. Very good. But tread lightly. All right. Because Sven isn't present. And I do still love him so. And I still need him so.

Because there's I, I, I, I, I, I, V, V, V, I, and then all the way on. To 18. To 18. So if you're listening to this, this is coming out Monday, May 1st, which means we're on the same day. If you're listening to it on Monday, we're in Atlanta. Tuesday, Raleigh, Wednesday, DC, Thursday, Philly, Friday, Brooklyn, Saturday, dead. We're going to be dead.

I'll, I want to die on Sunday. Oh, so you want to be hungover and then die. I'm going to do one last night of Rage Fest in Brooklyn on Saturday. Mmm. Yeah. That's cool. I figure why not. The sixth day.

The sixth day. That's the day where I don't have any responsibilities. The next day. That's the day where I'll be the rage-iest. You think so? I think I'll probably rage pretty hard on Saturday. Well, you were, we were talking about Saturday. Friday.

Oh yeah. I'm drunk right now. Huh? Yeah. That's good. Tickets still available to two of those shows. Raleigh on Tuesday and Philly on Thursday, other three, fortunately for us are sold out. So thanks for everybody for buying their tickets in advance.

We can ract our parents about it. Yeah, but Raleigh, wake the fuck up. Let's Raleigh. Raleigh. And why don't you do your research triangle and come to the show? This is why they're not going to come. Yeah, that makes sense. Well, I'm going to get my Philly of Thursday's show in Philadelphia.

And I want to be having brotherly love with my brothers. We love each other. Come on down to the Helium Comedy Club where we'll do jokes and brotherly love of all channels. And much like the Liberty Belt, you'll be cracked up. Very good. And if you need an autograph, I'll sign it with a pen. Sylvania. Have a cheesesteak.

They're all right by me. But as long as you come to the show first. I am crying. So let me just get a little... All right. So we're looking for questions for the show so much. So we thought it would be fun if we can play a little game. We haven't?

We haven't? Oh. God. Oh, I have been summoned. He's back. Oh. God, we haven't had the Game Boy in a while. He has been lonely.

Where have you been, Game Boy? I go into a blackness. For months. Months of time. A deep hole where I feel neither space nor time. For those of you joining us late in the game, the Game Boy is half game, half character. Oh, that's all. All game.

A robot that's orgasming. Constantly. Where Jake and I search our Gmail for words or phrases that we think could elicit some fun random questions. So rather than finding the best questions for us, we'll let the gods decide. And the way to win the game. The game god. And the way to win the game is by finding a word that only appears in one question.

Remember how happy you get when that happens, Game Boy? Oh, no better feeling exists. That's when I orgasm the most. So you orgasm with everything. Always. But then you want to, in addition, win the game and that's when you orgasm the most. That's the Max Climax. And the word is tetherball.

Wow. That's pretty specific. Yeah. Tetherball. Nothing. Dodgeball. Is that two words or one? One.

Dodgeball. Close. How many of you are close? Two. Oh. And it's a classic two. There's no spam. There's no guy trying to game the system.

These are two real authentic questions that we've never answered. One called help please and the other one called shits going downhill. Shits going downhill. Shits going downhill. Do you have a name for this dodgeball player? Sure. Let's call him Durham because if you live in Durham you better come and eat ham at the show.

Durham. Nice dude. Durham. Right. So here's my fucking issue. It seems like a lot of shits going downhill at the moment. I work two jobs over the summer. The first one has me going batshit crazy.

It's like this day camp where we make the kids run a game show with local public access TV guy Doug. Did you say game? Oh. This guy is fucking crazy. He constantly yells at the kids and will laugh uncontrollably at dumb shit. It honestly ticks me the fuck off. He rarely listens to any of the instructions given by the camp counselor and wastes time.

The kids skip camp because of this shit and they constantly tell me how they want to play dodgeball or whatever. The other day I was with a friend getting some iced cream and I ran into Doug. He told me that he had just left for gay. He just left the camp after working on the game show for about eight fucking hours. Then I saw Doug get two ice creams and eat them alone outside. The director is a racist fuck who molested me when I was in fourth grade. I don't like talking to him.

My other job is a lifeguard which is great because I get to chill out and listen to your show. My question is how do I get more hours as a lifeguard and tell Doug he's fucking insane and get the camp director who molested me fired? Seems like you tell people that he molested you'll get fired really quick. Yeah. Okay. So this is an example of a question that's pretty elaborate but doesn't have too many debatable answers.

If you tell someone that they molested you. Well you would tell somebody else that they molested you. You don't tell the person that molested you that they molested you. You tell on him. Actually that reminds me. One time Sven actually threatened me. He would often threaten me. Ill-conceived then.

I lived with Sven and then he threatened me. Just let the records show that I had to play along but the bit was set up by Mr. Amir Blumenfeld. So you tell someone that they molested you. Sorry you tell someone else that somebody molested you he gets fired. Tell the grown up. You tell Doug he's fucking insane. You don't have to tell Doug he's fucking insane. Doug fucking knows.

He gets it. He's Doug. And then how do you get more hours as a lifeguard? Quit the other job. You just quit the camp job. Well I think you have to ask for more hours first. You have to ask your boss. Yeah sure.

I think you just say like hey I can't do the camp job anymore. Now my hours are open if you want me to do more lifeguard shit. I hope this guy got his act together because shit really was going downhill. When did this email come in? July of 2015. Oh yeah he's dead. That makes a ton of sense. Doug ended up going on some sort of killer rampage.

Doug was insane. I killed somebody. Do you want to read the other dodgeball question? Sure. Since I have it open we can get rid of both dodgeball questions and one fell dodge. Let's do it. Let's call this guy Doug based on the last question. So my school is having a dodgeball tournament and two of my friends are putting together a team.

One of my friends asked me to be on the team and I said yes. Later he texted me and told me that my other friend didn't want me on the team because I quote wasn't good enough. To be sure I'm not a great dodgeball player but I'm not terrible either. I was hurt when he said he didn't want me on the team mostly because we are good friends and I don't think he should exclude me from this team just because he doesn't think I'm good. Am I right in being hurt or am I being too sensitive? What can I do about this situation? Love, Doug.

He's being oversensitive or is that the right amount? That sounds like the right amount. It's like a silly fun game and if someone doesn't want you on the team because they say you're not good enough it feels like it's easy enough to take that personally. Yeah, but at the same time do you want to fight for your right to dodge? Or do you just say fuck that guy I don't want to be on your team? Yeah, if you're easily hurt is it better when you like get news like this to just be like whatever and then you like go off or is it better to like dig your heels in and be like no I really want to play.

Then you're just like setting yourself up as a punching bag. You're not good. Yeah, well that doesn't matter. It's like no, everybody else thinks you're not good too. Yeah, it's kind of weird. Now the whole entire, this whole everybody, all of our friends will all tell you that you shouldn't play. Yeah. And now you're also the guy who like demanded he play so you better be really fucking good.

So if you are sensitive is it better to just like go off and solve and you'll be fine? There's something sad about doing that though where you're like if I do that enough then like you start to feel bad because you never stand up for yourself. Right. It feels like dodgeball is the kind of thing where you could like practice and get better. Oh, like no I think dodgeball is just purely athletic. Like you already have to be a good runner, jumper, thrower and catcher. I don't think you can practice dodging.

You can definitely practice dodging. I think you're either good or you're not. And frankly the fact that you're saying that, you're not good. Oh, I don't even know that you're not good. Oh, I can hear that you're not very good. You know what dodgeball is all about man? It's about blocking the balls coming at you with a ball. Oh my God.

Just directly, you sit me in the face. You can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball. So what's your bit of advice to this guy? I think, so he signed up to play and then another friend got him removed from the team. That's right. Two friends started a team. One said, come on in. The other said, whoa, not so fast.

You're not very good. I think that the friend who said you're not good enough is in the wrong. So I think that you can team up with the friend who invited you in the first place to veto that guy. Well, the question is, what would you do if you were him? If this happened to you, how would you react? If somebody said you're not good enough, I would probably tell the other friend to shut up and I would be on the team. You don't make the rules if you want to be on a different team, you go be on a different team. Remember the dodgeball team, not dodgeball, baseball team we were on?

Baseball or softball? The College Humor. College Humor, yeah. Yes. In like 2007, maybe, we were on the New York company team. The Silfs. Yeah. Our shirts said Silf, which is sandwich I'd like to fuck.

I had a picture with sandwich because it was a busted tee. I remember. We said that could be our team name. Because that was the one that we had the most extras of. Yeah. We had the most extras so that became our jersey. There were some people that were really good at baseball. I had never played baseball before, so I was awful.

I didn't know how to play at all. I didn't realize how difficult baseball was. I'd swung like a tennis racket before, but I couldn't adjust my swing to be like a baseball. Yeah. And then playing outfield, I would often just let the ball bounce in front of me because I didn't want to like, you know. Try to catch a high pop fly. Yeah, because I was afraid the ball was coming. Lose it in the sun, smack you in the face.

So I felt like this guy, well, this guy doesn't even think he's that bad, but I felt a little bit bad being on this team, being like, I'm sorry. I'm not that good. I apologize. And everybody's like, no, it doesn't matter. We want you on the team. Yeah. So this is like the opposite of that where like somebody else is sent.

Like, I guess it's easy to be like, if you say I'm bad, then people are quicker to like come to your own, to your defense. Yeah. It's all about being self-deprecating. Yeah. That's why I would be like, no, it's fine. I don't want to play and I'll see how it shakes that with the other people. If it's like seven against him, that's one thing. But if it's seven against you, then I don't want to be there.

Interesting. That's how I would do it. Yeah. All right. Let me search another term. Go ahead. I'll search Quebec. Very nice.

Oh. Quiet, Game Boy. Sorry. Don't apologize. I won't apologize. Just shh. I will. From now on.

Dude. From now on. Good. Start now. Starting now. No. Starting from when I said now. So not when you say now.

Just shut up. I'm sorry. Have I offended you? Oh. What are you getting? Can you turn off his mic, Blumenfeld? Oh, no. There's, uh, I should be a fucking idiot.

No. There's, uh, I should be a fucking ventriloquist, man. I do these like voice shit, and it's like really fucking good. There's 94 emails about Quebec, but I would say 91 of them are from a list that we're on for Michael's art supply, because at the bottom of everyone it says to receive Quebec emails in French, click on this link. So there's only a few unread Quebec genuine emails. One of them is called girl friends friends.

The other one is called love friendship and shit. Hmm. And then a third one called should I date my camp counselor? So I think I'm going to choose love friendship and shit. Okay. I'm a literature student living in Quebec, Canada. I found myself in a shit place recently and I really need your help. For the past two years, I've grown closer to a guy on my sports team.

We've become really close friends. One thing leading to another. I got to know his girlfriend way better than I used to. Problem is, I fell in love with her or something pretty, pretty damn close to that. This, this guy is one of my best friends and I would never try anything with her. The thing is, I can't take her off my mind. What would you guys do? By the way, I love you guys.

You helped me overcome hard times. And if you guys want to, I could come to your Montreal show and ask this slash elaborate this question on stage. Love you guys. This is actually pretty good timing because we might come to Montreal this summer. Oh, this is about the last Montreal show. So this guy's living in French, Canada and says he loves his friend's girlfriend and can't turn off that part of his brain. But at the same time, doesn't want to act on it. So what should he do?

Should he just distance himself from the friend? Say, listen, I can't tell you why, but I can't hang out with you anymore. It's, it's a pretty crazy reason. I love your girlfriend. And if I'm around her anymore, I'll have to act on it. And the girlfriend doesn't even like him or we don't know, we don't know. I don't know. How much, how much can you love someone that doesn't even like consider you?

When you're, when you're in high school, a lot. Like, can you, like the crushes that I feel are like with people that I interact with, that I dearly reciprocate. I've never been like that girl that I hardly ever talked to, but I see occasionally I am so deeply madly in crush love with her. Oh, that's me. I see somebody, I like pass somebody on the street and I imagine my entire life with them. Like, I meet somebody at a party or a bar and they're my soulmate. And then on the contrary, I date somebody and I'm disgusted by them. So, the more I get to know somebody, the grosser they are.

And then the, the less I know somebody, the more potential they have. And I'm in love with the potential, with the idea of a person. I'm in love with the po-po potential. Yeah, that's good. I get it on the down low. So that line didn't really change. No. I'm in love with the co-co.

I'm in love with the po-tancho. Nice. Sort of an extra syllable, but it's fine. Have you ever, could you ever be in love with somebody that's dating a friend of yours? Like, do you have that capability? Not now, but earlier, yes. When you're younger, there's less women in your life. Would you admit to that being the case at one point in your life?

In what, at one point in my life? That's definitely happened. Crush on friends GF? Crush on a friends GF. But it's when you're young, like now people have dating apps. The world is like much larger than it, like the girl and guy pool is bigger and deeper than it was when we were younger. Right. When we were younger, like my friend had a girlfriend and that was like, you know, the one girl I met in a month.

So like, that's the only one I could like. So your crush points have to be allocated to certain ladies. And if you only meet one, then she gets all your crush points. I think so. But if there's like thousands of other options, you have to spread your crush points equally. So I think that actually this guy has no excuse. Like the world, the world's big enough, your reach is long enough. You don't need to be crushing on your friends GF.

Yeah. It'll be cooler if you get your own GF and then you could do double date stuff with you and your friend. That's fun. I can't take her off my mind. What would you guys do? So what would you guys do? Would you hang out with them less? Would you?

No, I'd probably hang out with them more. It'll get old. Oh, you just got to envision her doing some terrible shit. If you really get to know her, you get to start. I think you just find her finding her faults. Honestly, I've been in love with every single person that I've ever met. I think I've at least imagined having sex with every girl I've ever come across. Imagine like instantly or like later on, you'll imagine it just for one go around.

I think usually instantly, but probably eventually, I at least imagine what my life would be like if I married that person, somebody. And that could be somebody that gave you a coffee at Starbucks or somebody's cousin, a teacher, a professor. That is a Starbucks crush yet, right? Yeah. Do you like to remove her name from the podcast? It's fine. She won't listen. She'll never hear it.

And if she does, what's up? Girl, that shit that I said about liking everybody, it was a bullshit lie. It's only you. Baby. So what would you guys do? You would hang out more? I think I just wouldn't change anything. And I would know knowing myself that I'm not actually in love and that it'll pass and it'll fade.

Yeah. I mean, how bad could it be to not be with someone you have a crush on? Is it debilitating to the point where you're like actually depressed as if somebody broke up with you? Yeah. I mean, when you're younger? Yes. It seems like pretty extreme. Yeah, it's still now.

That's why they call him a crush. That's the 16 candles line. Oh, because you get crushed. Because they hurt? Yeah. But she's not even rejecting him. He can't even act on it. That's somehow even sadder.

Get over it. Get over yourself, Point Dexter. Wasn't his name Doug? Yes. Doug Point Dexter. Amazing. What also helps is getting a crush on somebody else. Yeah, that's the fastest way to do it.

Just take your crush soul and move it onto a different human. This virus that attacked her, remove it from her and give it to somebody else. A crush is a virus. That's right. Interesting outlook. A crush is the flu. And there is no vaccination. Flues have vaccinations.

Do they? Flu vaccine. I'm saying a crush is like a polio. You cannot cure it. Well, polio was cured. Was it? By vaccination. Well, I'm saying there's no antibiotics.

It's like strep throat. This is crazy. A crush is a headache. There's no magic pill. Yes, there is. For headaches, there is. Right, but you can't just take two of these in common in the morning. Stop equating a crush to all these easily solvable diseases.

There are other ones that can't be cured. I'm just saying if you have a crush that's tantamount to having diarrhea and there's no potion or drink, you can't. Have to abysmal. Settles your stuff. Jesus, do you really not know? I'm just saying you can't have like a crush's long hair. You can't just cut it.

You literally can do that. Anyway, enough about me. Let's take a break. We'll come back with more Game Boy after this. Can you come back? Game Boy, do you have to go anywhere? Oh, okay. I have nowhere to be.

Ever. All right. We'll be back. Shut up, Game Boy. Bye. B.R.B. You can navigate yourself out of that difficult place and it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist,

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Thank you, Squarespace. And we are back. Let's check in with your feet. There's corn, frozen corn attached to the non-injured foot, which is the new injured foot. The new injured foot is the left foot and that's my injured foot. That is correct.

My feet are made of glass. Your right one is the one with chronic foot injury. Have we done and recorded a podcast without you having hurt your heel or does the heel injury predate podcast? Ooh, good question. I think heel injury predates podcast. You think so?

I do think so. Okay. So for the entire run, you've had either a broken heel or a heel pain in your right hip foot. Correcto mondo. Now recently you took a spill in a beaver. Yeah.

You hurt your left foot. Yes. That is a toe injury, turf toe. Hyper extended my big toe injury, the ligaments, joints in my left foot, they call it turf toe. That was two months ago. Two months ago.

Now the latest remedy is you cut a hole in your shoe for one. So you took it. Go on. Your shoe is sliced open at the bump of the big toe on the left foot. Yeah, where I have sort of a bunion on my left foot.

And the doctor said that my swelling maybe couldn't go down because it was sort of rubbing against the side of my shoe. Sure. She recommended that I cut a hole. Sure. Which I did.

She also injected me with some steroid injections. I got a toe spacer and I have been taping my foot to make it so my toe doesn't really, my toe doesn't really bend. And then the corn, the frozen corn that's attached to it. That's just to sort of reduce the swelling.

I'm trying to make it so there's no inflammation in the old foot there. I believe there's also a bone bruise right on the bunion itself. Okay. But great news. Ask me about my heel pain. How's your heel pain?

It does not hurt. Since I've hurt my left foot, my heel has not bothered me. Zero? In the beginning it was sort of painful for, in the last like, I would say two to three weeks. There has been no heel pain.

Interesting. Do you think it's related? I have no idea. How could it be? Is it like when you pee a little bit on your pants and then to get it off, you put a lot of water around the whole area and then they both sort of disappear together?

Oh, interesting. Or is it more like... What's that? So I did, will you remember you pissed on my feet? Yeah, and I told you it was raining. Or is it more like I hurt my toe so let me punch you in the face

and then you can't think about your toe pain? Yeah, I would think it was that, but then... I can give you another metaphor. That's fine. They were both not great. There's a small noise in your room, a water droppling.

Oh yeah. So you put on a fan. A white noise machine. Suddenly you can't hear the dropping anymore because the fan is louder than the drops. I guess it's maybe closer. I don't quite see how that was different than the... One more?

It's fine, yeah. You're staring in an eclipse. Right. And you need sunglasses, right? Yep. But as you're doing that, you break your heel. Oh, that's the one. Three years later, you hurt your toe.

Your heel doesn't hurt anymore. Yeah. So I could understand that if my left foot was super painful, like why my right foot would bother me less. But my left foot is just... It's not like super painful. It doesn't feel like pain that would trump

the pain of the right foot. So right now, what is it at a 10 in terms of pain? My left foot? Yeah. Probably a two or a three. When I push off with my left foot, like if I needed to go on my tippy toes to reach something, or if I very unfortunately was climbing

and I needed to put my weight on my left toe on the wall. That's when it hurts. Then it probably shoots up to about an eight. With a very little warning. Yeah, and then it just... So if your left is around a two or three, what was your right when, right before you injured your left?

My right is probably at a constant four to seven, depending. Oh, so that's pretty high. So it's higher than your left. Yeah, my right, it was like a decent amount of pain. Like the kind of pain where I would like second guess going to the store or like getting up to get something because it would hurt my right heel too much to walk there.

For years. Yeah. And right now you're saying that pain is gone. I imagine that if my left foot didn't hurt, I could break into a full out sprint with no pain at all. Wow. Which is amazing. And I want my left foot to heal so badly

so I can test this theory that the right foot is healed. As your back. Oh, the back hurts. I am 31 and dead. All right, solid update. Keep you guys posted as things develop every six months or so. How's your body feel though? Body ankle almost entirely healed.

Sometimes I go through spouts of feeling feverish for about three nights in the last, let's say, three months. Some sort of dehydration sets over me where I feel very headachey and nauseous and I have to force myself to go to sleep early. You've been coming down with spells. Yeah. My humors are very out of order.

I don't think that is. I don't know, I need to get a fainting couch just in case. It's either a plunge pool. Some level of dehydration where I feel like, oh god. Do you not drink enough water throughout the day? Maybe not. Or it was like when I got my new glasses that the first headache started

so maybe the prescription or my eyes getting used to that. But then I went weeks without feeling anything and then it came back again. So I don't know if it's one thing that caused all three or different ones throughout the different reasons for every single one. Anyway, let's see. We got another question to search.

Oh yeah. It's your turn. Is it? Yeah. Oh. Thermostat. Oh, that's pretty good. Thank you.

Thermostat. We got one question that we might have answered already. Interesting. And one question that somebody just put a whole ton of words after to try to get us to Game Boy it. So you think we might have answered one of these questions? Yeah, because I had forwarded it to me already. Let's read it.

But we already answered it. But are you sure? No. Read it to me. Let's see. You want me to read this whole question and then you'll say, oh, actually we answered it two years ago? Yep.

Okay. Hi guys. My roommate is a kid. Oh, I've heard this one. Why don't I read the one that we haven't answered? Well, because you said it was one that somebody, like attached the entire dictionary to. Oh, no, there's a new one.

There's a third one which is unanswered. Oh, all right. Yeah. Completely unanswered. Yeah, here we go. Does this mean I won the game? No, because there's been two. Fine.

Here we go. You loser. You little piece of shit. Jesus. Go ahead. What do you want to call this guy? Let's call him Stickler because one of us is a fucking Stickler for the rules.

Game Boy, do you think this is fair? Yes. Like Game Boy, this is insane. Jake is being a sore loser. Shut it. No one invited you here. We summoned you by accident. That's an invite.

Hey guys, I'm on a two-day road trip to go up to Denver and we stopped overnight at a friend's place. There, the town we're in can easily be described as the middle of bum fuck nowhere and the friend is only here for a summer internship. I'm out in the living room for the night and sleeping on the couch. As I write this question, it's almost 3 a.m.

and I've been tossing and turning on the couch for a few hours now. The thermostat is set to 76 degrees and I'm sweating onto this leather couch. My body just gives off a lot of heat for some reason and it's radiating on this couch or something. At this point, I'm worried that if I don't change the thermostat and get the temperature down to something

reasonable, I won't sleep at all. And there are still six hours of driving left tomorrow. But the thermostat is a very personal thing and I don't want to be rude to my friend who is nice enough to put us up for the night. Should I change the thermostat down to a temperature I'm used to, say 72 degrees, right off the bat? Or do I change it incrementally until I find the

highest possible temperature to sleep at so I don't disrupt the host very much? Or do I just suck it up and try to go to bed? It is important to note that this janky apartment, the air conditioning unit, is loud enough to potentially wake someone up. SOS, please send good advice, vibes my way. So this is definitely already passed.

It's funny that he was trying to get to sleep and he constructed such a long, like it should be noted. Yeah. Didn't you say you're now setting, making rooms cold to go to bed? Oh yeah. What is your cruising altitude now? Around 65.

That's so cold. Yeah. That's so cool. Yeah. Which is weird because 65 degrees out is kind of a nice day. Right. So why is it on a thermostat so chilly?

I don't know. It feels, I guess because you're like, well I sleep in just underwear. Okay. So there's that maybe. Sure. But I guess when you're inside, you're just used, your body used to like 70, 72 degrees.

Yeah. My house is usually around 70. Right. And then when I go to bed, I have programmed the Nest smart thermostat to go down to 65. After you go to bed? Around 11. So like it starts to get in the house.

Yeah. So it's like you're prepping the house to get cold. Yeah. And I sleep like a fucking baby. And like a good sleeping baby. The baby, some of them don't sleep very well. So I sleep like a good one. Would you?

Here's a question for you. Do you schedule the Nest to say, all right, let's, once I'm asleep, you can kick it back up to a normal-ish 72? No. I mean, if I- 65 all night. Yeah. I mean, I'll wake up if it's 70 now.

It's too hot for you. Yeah. And what do you do when on the road? I set the hotel thermostat to 65. You like, you need it to be cold? I need it to be cold to sleep now. And the eye mask? I've been sort of trying to wean myself off the eye mask because I don't want to be one

of those people that really just like can't sleep. Right. So I've been, no eye mask lately. Off and on in the eye mask. Yeah. But this guy's at 76. Too hot. That's, no, that's untenable.

Would you think two shits before changing the thermostat? Not if it's at 76. That's egregious. It's unfair to you. It's unfair to everybody. That's unfair to the environment. You can make a strong case, I think, if you're in Colorado for 73 max. Absolute max.

The thermostat and the house should really never be above 72. Right. So this guy, you think, is completely allowed to set the thermostat in the middle of the night to 72. 100%. It's not like a too personal. Don't fucking change my thermostat. No.

By the way, somebody that's like has this thermostat at 76 and is under a bunch of covers in their bedroom, they probably won't feel that till the morning. It's going to be fine. Interesting. Like, are you sleep better in the cult? That's like what bundling up's all about. You get, it's chilly outside. You bundle up and you get warm and then you'll sleep better.

I don't know the fucking science behind it, but whatever it is, it works, man. Oh baby, does it work? Yeah. What other sleeping rules do you have? I don't look at my phone for like, I try to, you try to do an hour, but can't really do that. And then you end up like setting your alarm and you're like, oh, but like what's Twitter say right real quick.

But I pretty much don't look at my phone for like at least a half an hour before bed. What do you do? What's the half hour? It's just getting ready for bed. I just sort of like edge tease, tease myself. What's that? I spend just tantric masturbation for how long? I make a nice little routine.

I like putting on some lotion, flossing my teeth, brushing my teeth. It's a long nighttime routine, getting some water. Where's the lotion going? I put it under my eyes, on my hands, arms. You're lotioning up. Oh, you lotion your chest. I lotion my chest. See, before you go to bed, you are just a greasy, chested man.

Yeah, well it's made of like quick drying lotion, but yeah. I am slathering myself with lotion. Okay, a thin layer throughout your entire body. A greasy little lotion, boy. I am slithering under the sheets. I am a slick little seal, a tadpole who found its way out to dry land. I'm leaving a trail from the bathroom to the bed. I'm like a snake.

I am clammy and wet. It is a thin film. I look like I'm wet. What do you do to go to bed? I don't do shit, man. You put in the mouth guard. I'm watching MTV 2 until 3 a.m. It's loud and I'm fucking passed out.

And I'm pissed. I'm mad. My head's off the couch. Fanger dreams. And my feet are on it. So like I'm getting red in the head. You do your mouth guard. You sleep better with the mouth guard.

Yeah, I do, I think four oral things. Four. What are they? I got my electric toothbrush to brush my teeth. Then I floss after. I do, I'm a post-floss. I'm a post-brush flosser. Interesting.

People are relatively split. Do you do a pre-brush floss or a post-brush floss? I do a floss, a rinse, a brush. Oh, so you floss and then brush. Yeah, I like to do the most of my damage with the toothbrush. Then I floss getting the deep heart to reach places. Then I rinse. But doesn't that plaque then just like sit on your teeth?

It goes from outside, inside your crevices to onto the teeth? What? Do you do a deep rinse after that? So after my floss, I will water pick, which is a water sort of little mini hose. What made you want the water pick? I didn't want the water pick, but now I can't live without the water pick. As always. Do you travel with the water pick?

No. That's good. So last time I was at the dentist, she's like, do you floss? I said yes. She's like, well, you have a lot of like heart to reach grooves in your teeth. I would recommend using a water pick every night. Are you selling her the water pick? Well, she didn't sell it to me, but she knew a guy and I got a really good deal.

It was $400 for the water pick. Dude, they're fucking fleecing. And actually, he gave me 10. And if I sell nine, then I'm borderline breaking even. This is crazy. Fine. Can I get a baker's dozen? I'll try to hawk them on the second day.

I want you to take more, because I think you could probably sell more than I could. All right. Fine. I'll take 40. I need you to take 144 of these things. 144? Yeah. That's one case.

I'll do 100. I'm putting you down. I can't give you 100. I got to sell them by the case. Let me give you a case. All right. Fine. Two cases?

That's 24 grand. Let's give you two cases. That's 48 grand. And what can I turn that into? Honestly, if you sell them at retail, like at cost, at retail, like not even making that much of a profit, you lose 100 per water pick. This sucks for me. It's a 48 grand times two.

Let me give you four cases. You're making bank with this. Then I put my grind guard in, of course. My grind guard. Which is riddled with black and dirt. He's like, I never touched that. You soak it in Coca-Cola all day. With my teeth.

My computer almost fell. Jesus Christ. Somebody listening is just like, a mirror is screeched in the middle. I only scream like water got too hot in the shower. That's my only way of screaming. I don't go, ah. I think I was scared once for real. And my scared scream is like, it was like, oh.

You were shocked. Not like a, ah. Or like, ah. But it was like, I was like pretty happily surprised that I at least. You were aghast. Yeah, I was like aghast. Like, whoa. You know.

When was that? No, it was actually more like, oh shit. And then it was like, oh, I got this. And then I was like, yeah. That was natural. I was freaked out and my natural response was like, I'll handle it. That's what I meant to say. That's what you said when you saw a cockroach in a shower.

Oh. I'll handle it. I'll handle it. All right. So you have carte blanche access to at least set it down to 72. I think you can set it down to 72. 72 is the perfect answer. I wonder if you just like break it.

And you're like, your thermostat broke in the middle of the night. I guess you, I guess you maybe set it way too high or something. And if he, if he's like the type of guy is like, you know, I'm going to spend a lot of more money. You'd be like, all right, how much is the energy going to cost you to change it? Here's $20 for letting me crash on your couch. Oh, you pay the difference. It was too, it's, I was under the impression that it was like cold outside.

So the guy cranked up the thermostat. Huh. But you're saying it was like hot outside and this person didn't have their AC on. Um, yes. Interesting. That's a different way of looking at it than maybe you should ask for a fan. It is one thing to turn somebody's heat down, but it's another thing to turn somebody's air conditioning on.

I guess you could turn it on and give him a little bit of money. That's a nice idea. So you're saying if this guy had an air conditioner that he didn't turn on. If he's trying, if he is like sleeping no air conditioner in a house cause he's trying to save money, then it's, I think it's a little more rude to be like, I'm going to turn on this thing and waste your energy and like, uh, cause you, cause you a little crash. Rather than it's already on and set to 76.

Um, then if it's on and it's cold out and you're heating the house to 76, then turning down the, it's like you are saving him money. It's less energy. Right. Yeah. I don't think it's so cold and he's heating his house to 76. I would assume it's hot outside and he's cooling it down to 76. Interesting.

Either way, you can set it to 70. Let us know what you did. Please. Uh, this was 21 years ago. So we'll see. We shall see. Really cool. Wow.

First email ever. First email address. Uh, yes. It was Jake snake 2013 at Hotmail. I think Jake snake 2013, I believe so. Why 2013? I think it was my girlfriends at the times initials is TM, 2013, Oh, because T is the 20th letter and M is the 13th.

Yeah. Jake snake and then a little homage to your GF at the time. I think as long as 20 is T is the 20th letter of the alphabet. All right. At Hotmail.com. At Hotmail.com. Good man. Thanks dude.

What was yours? Boner patrol. Well, that's your current email too. Yeah. But the O's are zeros. Boner patrol, uh, an available domain by the by. Let's check it out. Just in case we have to do a square space ad in a bit.

It's not available, but you can buy it from an auction site for two grand. That's it? Yeah. That's like less than the price of a case of water picks. That's right. Which by the way, you do owe me. I don't want to pay. We'll discuss offline.

Uh, all right. That's it. That's our time. Thanks to Gameboy for coming by again. Thank you for having me. Oh, and thanks Jake for stopping by as well. Yeah. Well, I'm always here.

The Gameboy is the fucking guest. Don't get out of here you fucker. Oh, uh, cool. We're on the road this week. So come see us. Uh, shows in Atlanta, Raleigh tickets still available, DC, Philly tickets still available, and then finally Brooklyn. Oh yeah.

I wanted to say about Philly. People are saying that, uh, they can't go because it's 21 and over, but it's actually 18 and over if you bring your mommy. You have to bring your mommy? You could probably bring your daddy too, but I bet it's 18 and over with anybody 21 and over. A guardian. Yeah.

That's what I think. And I wonder if they won't even check that. I wonder that too. And I wonder if these shows are sold out. If you can still buy ticket, if you go to the box office or something, there's always a way to get more people in the venue. Find a way. Find a way and, uh, have fun with us this week.

Uh, for those of you who are looking to write emails to us asking your own questions or your own theme songs and missions, the email address for everything is at fireyoushowatgmail.com. The opening theme song was written by Isaac. This closing one was written by Charlie Busey, B-U-S-S-E, Busey, Busey, Charlie Busse. Busse. Charlie Busse. Thanks Isaac. Thanks Charlie.

Thanks to you guys for listening. We'll be back next week. Tota. Bye. Ciao. Jake in a mirror. Jake in a mirror. Jake in a mirror.

Jake in a mirror. I can't wait to hear if I were you like every week. Jake in a mirror. Jake in a mirror. Jake in a mirror. Jake in a mirror. Jake in a mirror. Jake in a mirror.

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