If I Were You - 274: Butts and Butts

Episode Date: May 15, 2017

In this episode we talk about geography, flatulence, and the unbearable lightness of woke.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. Whoa, was that Trill or what? That was fucking dope, man. What's that song? That's Lit, My Own Worst Enemy. No, guess again. Really? It's close.

It's close. It is that. What? It is. Try again, my friend. No, I'm right. It's on the tip of your tongue. It was on the tip of my tongue, then I said it, and it was it.

It's actually a lit song, so you're right about that. Okay. Every song name was. It's called My Own. That's what I said. That's it. It's just called My Own. Sorry, Worst Enemy.

I thought you had to scroll a little bit. Yeah. So I'm right. What? Good man. Great song. That was written by Jordan Becker, and you'll never guess what state he's from. Ooh, Indiana?

Close, but no. Ohio? No. Pennsylvania? Uh-uh. Illinois? No. What's below Ohio?

Oh. Kentucky? No. What's below Kentucky? Missouri. Connecticut? Uh-uh. Let's go New York.

Nope. North Carolina? Incorrect. South Carolina? False. Georgia? Wrong. Florida?

Nope. Oklahoma? Not that. Texas? No. Arizona? Absolutely not. Tennessee?

Nope. West Virginia? He's not from West Virginia. Regular Old Virginia? He's not from regular New York? New Hampshire? Vermont? No.

Maine? Yep. But let's just go Washington state? Nope. Have I really not gotten it? I have not. Oregon? No.

California? Wrong. Idaho? Yes. Really? Yeah. Nailed it and won. Wow.

I never thought he'd get it. My God. Good man. I guess when his birthday is. I could probably get that faster. No. All right. That was Jordan Becker from Idaho.

He's got a band camp. Jordanbecker.bandcamp.com. Excellent brother. So good work on that. Yeah. His voice sounded like the guy from Lit. Yeah. That's kind of hard to pull off.

He killed it. A vocal impersonator. And it sounds like he recorded all that stuff himself. Like that wasn't the original. Right. He didn't just like karaoke. Like he laid down a drum track. Oh, you think he did it and then sang over it?

Or he like performed it while he was? Like he did the song. I don't know. I don't know. It's like he's got like the full band that they all did it together. If he like is laying down the tracks, you know. That's cool. He should be part of our band.

What's our band? Our band. We don't have a band. Quality control? Oh God. What a lame name. Why? We do rap core.

So we do like a lot of rap, but like sort of like synthy. Synthy rap. Yo, yo, are you go? I don't think so. Yo, yo, are you go? I don't think so. Or you say Ari Gold. I don't think so.

Ari Gold. It's sort of like fan fiction rap about entourage. Yeah. So that one is like an Ari Lloyd hookup. This is if I were you. The only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us. My name is Amir Blumenfeld. My name is Jacob Penkooper Hurwitz.

And we're back from the road. We did our shows. Survived? But barely. Did we thrive? You know what? I would say I think we thrived. We thrived.

I think we throw on the road. Yeah. We did five shows, five states, five days, five nights. Meeting people was very fun. The shows were great. Like every day we traveled and performed. Yeah. It's hard to do that.

But we somehow did it. We both sat on a train and on a stage. Yeah. I guess our jobs, yeah, when you think about it like that, we have easy jobs. But it's draining. It's draining. It's actually pretty draining. Mom.

It's actually, yeah. I'm an introvert. So this is not easy. Are you? Yeah. I think so. An introvert? I believe so.

I took those tests. I don't know. And you said that you prefer you're more introverted than extroverted. Yeah. Interesting. Because you meet and perform a lot. Yeah. A lot of people.

I think what I heard is that like, does it like leave you feeling charged and excited when you meet people and you're out and like with friends and stuff? Or does it like leave you feeling emotionally drained and tired? Oh. So the rock is actually energized by meeting all those people? I don't know how the rock personally feels. But maybe so. That's interesting.

Yeah. Because I feel drained after meet and greets. So that means I'm an introvert? Yeah. But there's like, I think there's like in between stuff. You're not like full introvert. There's like, I can't, I don't know if I'm mixing this up between like introvert and extrovert or like the personality type, like being ENFJ or whatever it is.

Yeah. I think that's what the first one is, those Myers-Briggs personality tests. And that tells you if you're introverted or extroverted? Well, the first letter is E or I. Oh. And it's like extrovert. And then the other three. I think I'm like I-N-E-F-J.

I don't know what the fuck I am. It's awesome though. Yeah. I should take, I took one of those tests. I'll take it again. You also did a 23andMe today. Yeah, I did. A DNA test.

I'm going to reveal, yeah. I'm going to reveal on the podcast what my ethnicity is. You just got an email back that said, you are 100% a sucker for spitting in a tube and giving us 100 bucks. And you're from Honduras. Or whatever. It feels wrong, but that's cool. But it must be right.

All right, let's, why don't we sprinkle in some live show stories throughout this episode, but we'll start with answering some questions. That is what we're here for. Fair enough. So here's- Do we have any other shows to promote right now? We're going to Montreal. Oh, all right.

In July. I was about to say this is a nice episode where we don't have to promote anything. Yeah, we're going to Montreal. Whatever. We'll talk about it later. Okay. We need a guy's name. Why don't we call this guy what?

Rick Fox? Oh yeah, somebody, a friend from each spot on the tour. Okay. In Atlanta, Rick Fox joined us on stage. All right. Ready? Yep. Rick Fox joined us on stage and wrote, how is all with you guys?

I need some fresh idea on a not so fresh subject. Farts. Sorry. That's funny to me. Toots. I live in Tokyo with my wife, my dog and my flatulence filled anal cavity. Of course it is normal for anyone to fart, but I have two underlying problems. One, mine stink horribly without question.

And two, the shape of my rump ensures that all farts will be loud sounding like if it was possible for a trumpet to have a frog in its throat. Because I want to, because I don't want to subject my loved ones to the stench, I would prefer to release them outside. The problem with Tokyo is that it's so densely populated. There are people everywhere. I cannot open my door, walk into a dark alley, move behind a tree in a park, or go anywhere without seeing people.

Thus, if I shoot my poot outside, someone will hear it. And it will not only stain my underwear, but I will stain my reputation and the reputation of foreigners. People will remember me as a whitey releasing noxious fumes. So what should I do? What is your advice on how or where to free my gaseous ass children? Yours truly, Rick Fox. Okay.

The shape of his ass makes the farts loud. He has a very, very puckered anus. I've never heard of something like that. I can get farts loud. If my farts can be loud if I'm sitting, because it's like there's not a lot of room between my ass and the chair or the floor that I'm sitting on, but I've never heard of the shape of an ass being conducive to loud farts. If he has a really, really tight butt, if it's worked out so much that it's just compact.

If you press your cheeks together and farted, then it would clap, right? Yeah, it's the sound of the cheeks vibrating or is it the anus vibrating? I don't know what vibrates. It's like something is vibrating. Has anyone done a Phantom Cam Super Slow Mo of an asshole farting? I bet. Wouldn't that be cool? There's fart porn.

There's definitely fart porn. There's probably 60 FPS fart porn, but I want to see the Super Slow Mo fart. I want to see the anus. The frame rate is so slow that you can see the... Take a second. Google it on your phone. It's almost like if you've ever seen a drop in Super Slow Motion, you can see the ripples. Look it up right now on your computer.

What? What should I search? Super Slow Motion. Super Slow Motion. 60 FPS. 60 FPS. Anus farting. Anus farting.

Do you think there's something? I think so. Slow Motion Fart porn videos from Pornhub. There you go. Slow Motion Pussy and Anal Farting. Would you be interested in a Super Slow Mo... An IGN Community Board says, would you be interested in a Super Slow Mo close-up video of an anus farting? Wow.

Posted in 2011. And no responses? And then the responses, how slow mo are we talking here? And then somebody responded. So I think it's needless to say that yes, that person is interested. I suspect that there would be a good 5 to 10 seconds between the opening of the sphincter and the closing. Wow, that is very slow mo. Well, that's too slow.

But I don't see a link. We can't... This is crazy. How can I get... Oh, here we go. Gold HD Tube. Oh, wow. This is porn, though.

Is it fart porn or is it just straight regular porn? Sexy Slow Motion Farts. But I don't just want slow mo. I want Phantom Cam Super Slow Mo. Well, watch the video. Look at this one. Oh, my G. Oh, wow.

Jesus Christ. That is... This looks like Planet Earth. But for pornography. You're staring into the fucking volcano. I've never seen a brown eye this big. It's bigger than your fist. The way it looks is like a time lapse.

Look at that. It looks like quicksand almost. Wow, that's really interesting. So far we haven't seen a fart. Oh, here we go. Oh. Oh, hold on. It looks like an alien whistling.

Good Lord. That's so foul. I'll never get this image out of my head. It looks like... You gleefully watching this... Oh, my God. It's still rippling. Jesus Christ.

And that's an SBD. It's still... Oh, well, I guess it's slow motion. It looks like Jabba the Hutt snapping. Holy shit. Look at that ripple. Okay. All right.

Still not a phantom, but definitely interesting on the last. I can't believe we derailed the podcast. Well, how did we come here? How did this come to be? You mean the whole thing or just that part? Not my entire life. Oh, I was saying that the shape of an asshole influencing the way a fart happens. Is it the cheek or the actual rosebud?

It is the cheek because as evidence from that video... That was the rosebud flapping and flapping. Yeah, but I don't know like what... That was the sphincter. Does the sphincter itself make it louder? Or is it like how the air reverberates off the cheek? Yeah, maybe it's a combination of both. So it's like sphincter within and then the...

We really have to have a doctor on this so we can ask them about. Yeah. An ophthalmologist. All right. So his specific question is, he's saying Tokyo is so densely packed that he would get outed. I don't believe that. That can't be that.

I think that's almost like a good thing. Like you are in the most densely populated area. People won't... You can fart willy nilly and nobody will know it was you for sure. Yeah, no. Yeah, you're good. You're good. Especially like when I'm walking around Manhattan,

that's pretty densely populated, but it's so loud that the dense population helps. I would say like, especially if you're walking, if you're moving, you're like... Yeah. You're crop dusting, but it's going to dissipate pretty fast. I think that you... If your farts are loud and they smell awful, you spare the girlfriend and the dog. Right. But like willy nilly do it outside.

That's fine. You can't live your life trying to fart in complete privacy every single time. Yeah, it isn't bathroom good enough. Like if he goes to the restroom and farts, that should be enough. It should be enough. Isn't that what that song is about? I think so. It's about how a guy doesn't have to go that out of his way to fart in front of his girlfriend.

Even as long as he farts, but if he says I'm sorry or excuse me, that was really sitting in my stomach. I apologize. I shouldn't have done that, but it's happened. Here we are. Or if you... I'd like to turn it, make a little joke of it. Like, did you hear that?

And then someone says... Dia, dia, do. Oh, that's good. All right, let's... From farts to shit to friends. This question comes to us from a lady who we'll call... Raleigh Rachel. Rachel Hurwitz, your sister.

Who came to the Raleigh show. That was a great show. That was a fun show. I love those folks. So I started grad school this year, writes Rachel, and became very close friends with two girls. We're all big travelers and dreamed of going on a big Euro trip together during our summer break. We planned routes and talked about it for a while,

even if it was only wishful thinking. Then I asked them if they'd be seriously down and if I should start saving money for a plane ticket. When they said no, they didn't have the money, and maybe we could go next summer. I was cool with... I was cool because like, no big deal, right? So I made other plans for the summer,

i.e. committed to a job. Well, two weeks later, they snapchatted me pictures of them buying plane tickets and planning a Europe trip together. I couldn't help but be crushed and feel pretty shitty for a while. The worst part is, they never addressed it to me or apologized. They talked about their trip to other people and posted on Facebook about it, but didn't have the balls to confront me. I'm trying really hard to get over it,

but I can't help but get livid thinking about it sometimes. They try to treat me the same as before this all happened. They try to treat me the same as before this all happened. How do you recommend getting over this? Should I confront them or is it not that big of a deal? I hope you're on my side. P.S., my boyfriend has been trying to get me to listen to your podcast for a while, so if he hears this, he'll know I've actually become quite a fan,

though I haven't admitted it to him. Wow. Love, Rach. How do I handle shitty friends with the question? I mean, dude, that... I feel like that's so egregious. I would... I think I would stop being friends with them.

I wonder... It's like such a slap in the face. It's a kick in the nuts, you know what I mean? I don't think they're real friends. I wonder how close... I mean, she said she became very close with two girls. And they talked about taking this trip. They said, no, as soon as she had a job, they were like, let's book it.

Yeah. I wonder if we should talk to the friends, like get their side of the story. What do you think they would say? They would be like, yeah, we all talked about it and then she got a job, but we wanted to go, so... But they said they couldn't, right? It's boiled down to this one point, which is like she asked them and they said no beforehand.

They didn't have the money. Right. So then they could be like, oh, then we got the money and we got tickets. We fucking hate Rachel. Amsterdam bitch! We wanted to do like a gal trip, but like three is getting to the point where it's too many gals. We wanted to do gap year without Rachel.

We wanted the gap to be in our relationship. We're bad. But we do have European taste and we want to explore the world, bitch. Do you think every time there's like a group of three, it's always like there's some sort of weird like struggle between like two people and a third. There's like always, there's three little groupings and it's like two people in the third person or the other two people in the third.

It's always three versus one. Or two versus one. Oh yeah, that's what I meant. I feel like when I listen to Twinnovation, that one person is always changing. Who's in the doghouse? Right now it's definitely Dave. It's been Dave for a year, hasn't it? It's been Dave for their entire relationship.

So that's a bad example. But I think it's all about finding the next duo that would include you or pay it forward, find two more girls and alienate them. Don't invite one of them to a European trip. That way you feel like you're in the power position. You've alienated someone. You've been ostracized someone. You've made someone feel bad and the universe is back to normal.

I think you save up, go on the trip with your boyfriend and have a better time. And in the meantime, unfollow them on social media and block them on Snapchat because it's not going to get easier. You're not going to get over it. But you will forget about it if it's not in your face. It is weird. Would you confront, would you be like, hey, WTF? No, I wouldn't do it.

I would unfollow them on social media and I wouldn't talk to them anymore. And then if they ask, would you tell them? Yeah, I guess so. Like why did you unfollow me? I got annoyed looking at your pictures. You said we were all going to go. Oh my God. Rachel, this is why we didn't invite your dumb ass.

You harp on everything. You're like a harp player. You won't stop harping. You know what story we should talk about is when Rick invited us to NBA TV. Oh yeah. After doing our show during a halftime break of his NBA show, he invited us to the studios where they shoot TNT halftime shows, NBA TV, pregame shows, postgame shows.

And we were just at one point watching TV in a backstage area filled with future Hall of Fame basketball players. Yeah, so me, you, Marty. Yeah. Three Shaq. Three white dudes from LA. Three Shaq, Charles Berkeley, Kevin Garnett. Ben Wallace, Rashid Wallace, Rick Fox, Baron Davis, Steve Smith.

Just sort of all razzing each other, screaming at each other, saying things that we're not supposed to repeat because they were off color. And then me, you and Marty in the middle of it, hoping to God, or at least I was, that nobody would just start making fun of me. Really? I'm like just, I felt like I was back in high school where like all the cool kids were like joking around and I'm in the room like, please don't turn your attention to me.

Who is this guy? No, I'm not this guy. Rick, help. Wedgie. Like there's nothing I could have done if they started razzing me. And they should have. They should have razzed me. That deserves to be razzed.

Wait a minute. Who are you pointing to the 34 year old Jew in the room? Holding you by your ankles. Let's take a lambda down. Hey Shaq, beat this guy up. Please do start. It'd be an honor. Shaq was so big.

He's like, it doesn't make sense that he's the same species as us. He's just this giant, giant, giant walking around. I mean Shaq, we're both human, but he's. He's a big boy. I pounded fists with him and it felt like I was sort of like tapping a grapefruit. It's like trying to tenderize a huge piece of steak. As he watches world star hip hop on his phone, I'm like trying to tell him that he meant a lot to me growing up,

but I don't want to seem like the doofus in the room that's just gushing over him. I think we played it cool. Maybe too cool. Maybe too cool. Not cool enough for school. Alright, let's take a break. Let's thank some sponsors. We'll come back with more questions, more answers and everything after this.

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just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Again, Squarespace.com slash if I were you free trial. Everything looks good. Let's launch it. Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you, Squarespace. And we're back. What's up?

New podcast on the head gum network this week. Pray tell. The babysitters club club. It's basically a podcast that reviews those old babysitter club books one by one. So if you were a fan of those growing up, you're going to be a huge fan of the podcast. It's called babysitters club club hosted by the very funny Jack and Tanner. So check it out. Go to head gum.com slash podcast.

We actually have a whole new website so you can while you're there, peruse our video section, our new podcast section and then check out the babysitters club club. Yeah. And hey, hey, why are you there? Check out the about page because that's just on fire right now. Yeah. We made gifts of everybody who's currently working at head gum and there's some good ones out there. Yeah.

My personal favorite is Whitney's and Jeff's, but Marty's is pretty damn good too. I think Powell's is the best. Yeah. That's also a good gift. So check out the new head gum and check out babysitters club club. We got shows in Montreal, but that's not till late July. So if you really want to come, you can you can find it. It's part of the JFL just for laughs comedy fest.

Yeah. We have two shows there. Oh, it's true. Oh yeah. One head gum show. Shit. We'll put that info up on our website soon enough. Yes, yes, yes.

But if you want to be the first to act. But if you're a legit, if you're a legit little Canadian, get out there. I got tweets that some people are already about tickets. Yeah. We haven't even announced the show. Keep that up. Keep that up. Anything else?

Anything, any other funny stories that you wanted to talk about from the road? I can't quite remember now. I can't remember anything. Partying with Skeets in Atlanta was also really fun. Yeah, dude. Yeah. What was that place called? That underground bar slash club.

Oh man. It's like MQD or MJQ. MJQ? Yeah. That makes sense. MQJ. Yeah. Something like that.

It's like through a shed in a parking lot. Skeets described it in a really funny way. I forget what it is. Some sort of like where, I'm going to butcher it. Appreciate you brother. Just assume he described this club you don't know about in a very funny way. So if you're ever in Atlanta, you should find MJQ, MQD, MJJ. And go with Skeets because he has a pretty funny outlook on life.

Shit. All right. Let's see if we can answer some more cues for yous and mes. Oh shoot. Another girl's question. I got another girl question. A lady. Mitzi?

Mitzi. Mitzi, our friend in DC who came to our DC show. Another great show last week. All right. Hey guys. Recently, my long-term boyfriend of four years writes Mitzi has told me that he'd like to try experimenting with anal on himself. Mitzi's not going to be happy.

Just assume this isn't actually for Mitzi. I have no problem with this. This guy wants to experiment with anal on himself. I have no problem with this as we are both in our 20s and it's normal to do these kinds of things. But my only concern is that when I jokingly said, what are you, gay? He got really quiet and didn't say anything else for the rest of the night. Here's the thing.

He's been known to be gay in the past. Experimenting as a teenager and whatnot. He's even kissed his guy friends multiple times. So my concern is as guys, do you think he's heading towards being gay or at best just by? I don't want to, I just wanted a live opinion on this. Thanks, Mitzi. What does she mean at best just by?

At best by, at worst, gay. You can only deduce. I guess that means for her. I disagree. Yeah. It might be good for him to be gay, but bad for her because she's a woman in his life. Sure. That's not the general spectrum of great to bad.

Do you know anyone who's known to be gay in the past that isn't gay at all? I don't know. I sort of stand to reason that if you spend a lot of time like making out with people of the same sex that you are gay. Or at best just by. I mean, I don't want to ... At least by? I don't want to stereotype or draw any conclusions, but at the same time, I don't know a lot of

dudes who are straight, who have been known to be gay in the past. I guess it's fine to be sex, I'm trying to be as woke as I can, but like. It's okay to be woke. I'm trying to be woke. Is that fine? But you're totally good to be woke. That's okay. I'm saying it's fine to be woke.

I just don't want to judge me if I'm woke. Yeah, yeah. If you're woke, it's totally good. If this is a safe place that I can be woke in. Yeah. I'm just afraid that if you're even a little bit unwoke, I'll scream at you. So you're being like sexuality, you're fluid sexually, right? Yeah.

That's all fine. That's totally good. The problem lies when your partner doesn't want that to be with a partner like that. Yeah. So I guess you have to look into your heart of hearts and be like, do I want to be with somebody that wants to be pegged and sometimes looks up with other guys? Is there a correlation? Am I cool with that?

And it's fine if you want to be with somebody who is more like in line with you sexually, I think. That's fine. Am I still being woke? You are undoubtedly and unnecessarily homophobic for that. Of course. Of course I am. Do you think there's a correlation between wanting to experiment with anal on himself

and being gay? It all comes back to the spectrum, right? Yeah. You know, like who? Here's the spectrum. You're either gay or you're eight. And you like being pegged. Absolutely.

I'm sitting on a pickle right now. Crunchy Hebrew national. Half whack. I'm so sorry about that. That was incredibly sleepy of me. I dozed off for a second and I joked about using a pickle as a dildo. I had a cat nap and I made fun of homosexuals. Earlier today I woke up and I guess it didn't stick.

I don't know. I find myself still being occasionally very de-woke. I rose but I didn't shine. So do you think, or the question is, is he heading towards being gay? He's definitely not 100% straight if he's made out with guys in the past. Is being pegged a gay thing? What if a girl is pegging you? Is that gay?

That's a good question because it's just reminiscent of gay on gay anal sex. But like men have anal sex with, like if I had anal sex with a girl, is that me being gay? Is it still a dick going into a butt, which is what gay guys do? Yeah, I feel like to me that's less gay than getting fucked in your ass. But why? Because it's a dick going into an ass either way. It's actually maybe even less gay because if I'm gay, or if I'm straight, and I'm gay,

if I'm straight, and I'm okay, sorry, I misheard. And I have anal sex with a woman. It's a penis going into an anus, which you take away the sex, penis into anus, people would think. Gay. Yeah. Or dildo into anus. It's not anymore or less gay or straight.

So, I deduce, I reason, I would like to posit, a logic riddle, that me being pegged by a woman is not any more gay than me having anal intercourse with a woman. Thoughts? Yeah, I don't know. It seems on the surface more gay, and I'm not saying gay in a negative or positive way. I just seems more homosexual to get railed out by a dildo. Is that fair? Are we woke to say?

We need to have a, we have to have a gay guest. We should not have done this question. Or at the best, just a bi-guest. Yeah, a bi-guest for the next one. We'll remember this. Do we have any bi-guests? Let's table this, let's table this till next time. All right, that's good.

So, let's put a pin in this question. So, if we did a bad job at answering that, Tweet it. Just know that it's not our fault. Tweeted us with a potential guest that will help learn us something. We could do a gay-themed episode. Oh, that's pretty good. Have we had a gay guest before? We have.

I think we have, but not, we didn't do like a gay. I feel like when we have gay guests, I don't want to bombard them with all gay questions. But like, it'd be nice. It's so hard being woke. I want to do an all-gay episode. We all fall asleep from time to time, but we're trying. There's plenty of people that are in comas, comatose, not trying to do jack shit, but at least we make the effort.

Yeah, and when you think about it, that's frankly not enough. We have to do more than that. Totally. All right, one last cue for you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You do cute. Who do we hang out in Thursday? Philly.

Do we have any hands? Me and my man, Xavier. Who? The guy, we got kicked out of that bar together. Xavier? Yeah. Oh yeah, Philly. Yeah.

Philly, Philly, Philly. My news. Can't you see? Crodden CT, represent. Yeah, that guy's actually in a holding cell still. Really? I should have built him out. Javier writes, here's my problem.

Wait a second, is this? Is this a woman? Uh, I have a pretty great ass. Oh yeah, that's a woman. Did we hang out with any girls in Philly? Ramey. Ramey? No, no, don't say her last name.

Very good. Ramey writes, I have a pretty great ass. That's nice. That's a compliment. Excellent. I don't mean to brag, but it's the sort of ass that pulls random strangers in to compliment me and some even go so far as to slap me on the tush as I walk by. This has happened on several occasions since I was about 16, both with men and women.

I've come to accept the fact that this is just part of my life, but when it comes to sexual ass play, I can take it or leave it. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy a sly finger or two every now and again, but I've never been with a guy who didn't really want to stick his dick in there. We can't stop talking about anal sex, it seems. Sorry, tough episode. I even tried dating a couple guys that weren't ass men, but it made no difference. Eventually, they were almost hypnotized by my little brown star.

Plus the farting, this is a fully butt-themed episode. I feel like a lot of our episodes are. We're buttsmen. My question is, do you think there's a way that I could learn to get pleasure from it? I can mostly get past the pain part of the point, but it still doesn't do much for me. Have either of you ever not liked something sexually that had then grown to change your mind? Have you come around to anal at all?

Also, is butt-fucking more common than it is? I've tried talking to my girlfriends about this, but they all have no experience with it. A little background on me. I'm a 26-year-old female, white, 5'1", 110 pounds. I think part of why random people don't mind slapping my ass is because I look pretty innocent, and often people think I am younger than I am. That's weird.

Thanks for the help. Love you guys. Love this show. Love you guys. And Denver, a few weeks back. Hope you guys come back soon. Denver! Random shout-out to Jake's mom.

I'm also part of a big family, and my mom is the dopest queen around. No, mine is, but that's awesome that yours is number two. Oh, come on. Yeah. All right. So, it's illegal that people slap your ass, especially if they think you're young. Yeah. When I was 16, men and women slapped her.

I find that hard to believe that women slapped her. But maybe you had parties. But maybe you had parties. Because you're not asking for advice about that. It's not good. Yeah, that's true. But still. Hmm, hmm, hmm.

So, what do you think? I desperately want to see this person's ass. Of course. Well, that's what you say about every people who run in. This girl just happens to have a great ass. Can you commiserate? Can you understand? Can you feel this girl's pain?

I mean, I can commiserate with all of the people that she's been with that are, like, just sort of obsessed with worshiping her ass. It's kind of interesting to have something that, like, is so valued and to be indifferent about it. Yeah. I don't know if you're going to, if you don't like anal, if you're going to start. I think it has to do with how comfortable you are with your partner more than, like, if you like butt play in general. Like, if you really, really love someone and they really, really like something,

that can rub off on you. Right. But you're not going to just be into strangers. Yeah. Be effing. Like, you got to really, like, butt stuff if you're, like, doing that on a first or second night stand. Well, so that's, I guess, like, I could because I really like butt stuff. Yeah, but you'd have to find someone who also really likes butt stuff.

Yeah. Butt stuff on a one night stand? Yes. Anal one night stand? Yes. All right. That's like, that's a, that seems like a two ships that hit each other in the middle. An anal night stand.

Yeah. A very, very anal night stand because it's like a long shot on both sides. It seems coming together to have one magical night. Right. Was it better than regular night stands? More memorable, I guess. Yeah. Above average, but not necessarily the best ever.

I guess that was, like, a pretty unique experience. Yeah. To get exactly what you want. Has it, have you ever not liked something and gone around to like it, whether it's butt stuff or other stuff? I guess, maybe I have, but probably in the context of what you're talking about, like, actually beginning to like the person. Right.

And then wanting to give that person whatever it is that that person likes. Well, and also, I think just like, when you really, really like somebody, them being super turned on or like them orgasming is like such a turn on, it makes, it's so hot to you. So even if like, it's something you didn't think was hot before, like their, their excitement rubs off. Yeah. Ha, ha, ha. So I don't think you're going to ever like anal more, but maybe you'll like certain people

and boyfriends more, and that'll make you like it a bit. So it's all about enjoying that person's presence, wanting to give that person what you want. And I don't think that you need to give everybody everything that they want having to do with your butt. You can like, treat it like the treasure that it is. Yeah. Just because you got something special doesn't mean you have to give it up in a sexual capacity.

If anything, that's why you shouldn't. Is, well, Amir, have you come around to anal at all? I still haven't. It still doesn't appeal to me the idea of B effing. If I could be so bold and honest, it's butt fucking more common than I think it is. It's funny that you're like, I'm not really into it. And then you just watch slow motion and Amir's farting. Yeah.

Well, that was sheer curiosity more than what it would feel like. Butt fucking more common than I think it is. How common do you think it is? Like a random straw poll of 20 of your friends, how many of them do you think have done it? It feels like it's something most people have experimented with, but probably few people do regularly. True. So you think of 20 of your closest friends, how many of them do you think have done it

once? Of? Over 10? Yeah. 15 to 18. Wow. 15. So I'm in that big of a minority.

Two of 20 haven't done it? I think so. I would have said low, lower. Like 10 people have out of 20, but I have no idea what the actual numbers is. I talked to my girlfriend about it and they don't have any experience with it. You think it's equally distributed amongst men and female? How much they like it? Or guys like it more?

Ooh. It's interesting. I bet guys like it more, but I don't know. Where does that land on the gay spectrum? Do you think that's a little more gay? What? To like anal more than not? Yeah.

Interesting. Like you're effing a butt. Yeah. Would you say that? Is that more gay than not? I don't know. More gay than having sex with a vagina? I guess I don't care, but yeah, I don't know.

Yeah. Like I wouldn't even masturbate because I think that's gay because it's giving someone a hand job. Pull yourself. Yeah. I saw you blowing Marty up here. That was also like the- That was a weird day.

You know what that was? That was opposite day. I was in a mood. I was feeling it particularly woke that day. That's why I did that. We can't ask this person for a picture of her butt, right? No, but I was just going to sort of like look at her name on her email and Google her and see if I could find any.

Are you a little surprised at a five foot one inch, 110 pound lady having a great ass? No, I'm- Perfect. When did you think she was a little bigger than that? I feel like sometimes small people have like a nice little bubble butt, bubble butt. Yeah. Well, yeah, there we go. At age 16, Jake slapped me on the ass as I walked by.

Oh, come on. No, no. When I asked why, it's because he thought I was younger. Jesus Christ. What? That's what it says. People often think I'm younger than I am. Character assassination.

Absolutely character assassination. And a little bit of a slander. All right. Is there any other stories from the road, Philly? You partied with those two guys? Yep. You walked around. You got along with them so much that you invited them places.

You got kicked out of a bar, did you say? We got kicked out of the first bar before you were even drunk. It was like a sit-down place and they were like, they like went up to the bar and they ordered shots and they're like, they didn't give them to us and they're like, you can come to the bar and take the shots. We're not going to bring them to the table because you guys are being like vulgar. This is a church. And I was like, there's a rule against swearing in the bar.

It's like Vegas. You're allowed to pretty much do anything except swear at a blackjack table. What rules are we talking about? And then we got into a little tiff with the server who was upset that I guess we were being louder than other people, but like it was a bar. I'm actually kind of, I'm pissed at it still. I wish, if I remembered the name of it, I would put them on blast and ask the Twin Evasion nation to point them out or something.

I think it was Chili's. I think that's what it was. It was a Chili's to go. It was in the airport. That's why they were upset that you're swearing, asking for shots. What about, what do we do in, in, there's stories, but I can't tell them. What do we do in New York or in DC? Oh, DC?

Oh, we sort of took it easy that night. Well, we went to that crazy club that was like, I went to the bathroom in it. Oh, yeah. I remember like a scary ass bar that we went to. The bar was frightening. It was like filled with graffiti on the inside and out. It was like, it was in a very loud bar that, that like someone broke into an hour before set up a couple bottles of whiskey.

It smelled like diarrhea and weed. And I, and like, and then you're like, I'm going to go to the bathroom like, holy shit. It already smells like a bathroom out here. I can only imagine what the bathroom is. I opened the bathroom and it looked like I had accidentally broken through a wall into an abandoned warehouse or something where people, like a murder scene. And I, it was so like, I was so taken aback that I didn't even step in. Like it looked like a murder scene and this girl was walking by and she's like, yeah,

that is the bathroom. And I was like, is this the men's or the women's? And she was like, mostly women go into here and mostly men go in there, but it doesn't matter. God, that's so woke. She didn't even care about the, she doesn't even see gender. Yeah. Well, the other bathroom was just a hole in the floor, which is what the entire bar kind

of looked and smelled. It was a hole in the wall. A literal hole in the wall. We don't have to say the name of that bar either. But you don't remember. No, I don't know the name of it at all. All right. Good to be back.

If you have your own questions, your own theme song submissions, send them all to ifiriushow.gmail.com. Again, we're coming to Montreal for just for laughs in the end of July. If you're a fan of the babysitters club, check out the babysitters club club on headgum. Very funny show hosted by a couple of very funny people. And the opening theme song was written by Jordan Becker. Remember that? This closing one was written by Erin. Who doesn't need a shout out?

She is submitting a theme song for the love of the game. Guys, we'll be back next. You know what? Not even guys. People. Like that shit, like male specific pronouns that like guys, no, it's not guys, we'll be back next week. It's people.

You have a peppy the frog stick on the back of your computer. You cock. All right. Thanks to Jordan Becker. Thanks to Erin. Thanks to you guys for listening. We'll be back next week. Bye.

Bye. I'm wondering if you guys can help me and this guy that I love, but he doesn't love me. I look for ways to say I love you, but it's nothing that he sees. I don't know what all I should do, so just help me please. I get a feeling I should give up, but my heart won't let me lose touch, Jake and me are really fucking want to get the D. No, but really what the fuck do I do?

That was a hate gum podcast.