If I Were You - 275: Hangover Routine

Episode Date: May 22, 2017

In this episode we discuss bird names, Instagram games, and the rare F-Buddy Zone.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

If you're in a sticky situation, and you don't know what to do, send an email asking for help to if I were you, then you might get some advice from these two funny guys. They'll tell you what to do if they were you. That's Sebastian Yano Nielsen. Way to go, Sebastian. From Denmark. I knew he was a Dane. How could you tell? Honestly, I heard that sweet Danish voice and I knew right away that he had to be from Dane.

Got it. I've misread his from Ireland. No shit, I knew he was a Scotsman. How could you tell? I heard that sweet German voice and I just knew he was an English chap. You knew that this guy from Ireland was a Scotsman because... Honestly, yeah. You heard his German voice.

I know a crowd when I hear a Russian. You're all over the place, man. All over the map. And I love you for it. Sebastian said he wrote it in 2015, but we never played it. Well, thanks. I cannot confirm or deny, but it did sound unique to me when I re-heard it. Thanks for sticking with it.

So thanks, Sebastian. Thanks to you guys for listening. This is if I were you, the only advice podcast on the entire internet that we host. That's still pretty impressive. Actually, I host a few other little small alt-right throwaway things. Yeah. Sort of like dog whistle podcasts. Stream of consciousness, whistleblowers.

One of them is just me pointing fingers at someone and being like a shame podcast. Oh. A shame cast. That's rude. Yeah. And a lot of it is people who are otherwise leading normal, fine lives and I'll try to find something, dig something up about them and shame them. Enough about microaggression.

This is macroaggression. Yeah, on a global level. So. On a what level? Global level. Okay. Yeah. You think globally, but locally.

Mm-hmm. So. Global wolf. Find those as well. They're all under different pseudonyms. So it'll be a tough find. A lot of them are like kind of weird, like a Dolphus hunt. So it's like.

A Dolphus hunt? Yeah. God, that's a hateful name. Yeah. A hunter by trade and by name. But this one is the only one that we host together. My pleasure. The way it works is people will email us.

They'll ask us for our advice. We do our darn best to answer them. But sometimes, sometimes things don't go very well. And I'll end up shaming them publicly. Your other podcasts are bleeding into this one. It's not all right. All right. This one.

I'm going to host this one as a Dolphus. All right. Ready? Let me get into character. Welcome to the shame cast. Oh, cast your shame, blow. Blow is what I call the audience members. I hate a Dolphus hunt.

He's a vile man. A Dolphus is 58. He's from Green Bay. Of course. But he's like, he only watches like World War II documentaries. Right. And he's sort of, he's filled with hate. Yeah.

And he's alone. So he's a loner. He got a microphone at a garage sale and he's been sort of figuring out how to use it. And a lot of the time. And the thing that he wants more than anything to share with the world is. Just like shaming people. Castigation.

Yeah, exactly. Of course. Now, welcome to the hunt zone. Here we describe things in personal detail. He's a little bit of a bro-y pirate almost. Yes. Arr, matey. Oh.

What the blank man? In this boogie board. Surf's up, matey. Shiver me timbers, brah. Let's get a breakfast burrito. Speaking of breakfast burrito, one question comes from a lady who has a question related to breakfast burritos. Hello.

So why don't we call this lady Nancy Cartwright. Because that's her actual name. Oh. Incredible. Nancy writes, here's the deal. There's this amazing breakfast burrito in coffee stand that I occasionally stop in on my way to work in the mornings. The place also sells Gatorade.

So it's basically a one-stop shop for hangovers. With that in mind, you can imagine that I'm not usually looking my best when I stop by. So there's always the same looking guy every time I stop. And this man is a damn dime. I'm a pretty shy person and I would never ever assume that he's interested in me. And I never really take risks when it comes to making it known that I'm into someone. How do I figure out if he is interested in me? Should I slip him my number on a receipt?

Side note, one morning when I stopped by to get a burrito, he slipped me a free cookie. Was this just a free cookie or was it a hint that he's into me? What do you think you guys would do? Yes, thanks for years of entertainment. Wow, wow, wow. Before we even get into the question, what are your thoughts on breakfast burritos, coffee, and Gatorade for a hangover cure? Would that jive with you?

Yeah, that sounds incredible. I'd actually probably skip the coffee. When I'm hungover, I don't like to drink coffee. It makes you a little more dehydrated. It's not great for you in the morning. But doesn't food also make you dehydrated? I guess probably salty foods a little bit, but that is what my body... I'm more of a Gatorade and a breakfast burrito, and then I'll do an afternoon coffee, and then I'm at full.

Full capacity. Well, it depends on the hangover, I guess. You've had worse hangovers that can't even have a breakfast burrito? Of course. I've had hangovers so bad that I can't eat or drink and tell around 4 or 5 p.m. And those are the good ones. So that means I had a crazy night. What if you have a slight hangover?

What's your go-to? I guess a breakfast sandwich of sorts. Of sorts. Yeah, a little bacon-egg and cheese, a little sausage-egg and cheese, a breakfast burrito, perhaps. And found soda, water. Water. Smart water. All water.

Yeah, no Gatorade. I don't do Gatorade anymore, but that's not because I don't love Gatorade. It's just because I usually make a breakfast sandwich at home. Oh. I actually make my own Gatorade. That's gross. Yeah. And if we're on the road, we'd go to a diner or something, get a sloppy breakfast sandwich,

but you can't order a Gatorade at a diner. No, you can't. You really can't get a Gatorade unless you're at a grocery store or a deli or something. What would you say is the worst thing to eat when you're hungover? You wake up your hungover and then this is a bad hangover routine. Scallops? So you get what? Raw scallops or cooked scallops?

I guess I wouldn't want oysters or clams in the am. Shellfish. Yeah. So you wake up, you have two cups of hot black coffee, and then you try to just chuck as many oysters as possible. Yeah, yeah, that wouldn't be good. And then shot a mustard. Hair of the dog.

Hair of the dog. Like you got drunk on mustard? No, I fucked a dog. I was so wasted. Jesus. So now I'm just drinking mustard. We did that as a pregame. You were pretty sober.

Yeah. I had a corona. I blew a dog, and now I want mustard. I am a dolphin's hunt. Welcome to the dolphin's zone. Sorry about that. Yeah, that's fine. What's your hangover food?

I like ramen. I like hot, salty broth. Yeah, you do. Soup. Yeah, I feel like I need solid food to soak up the alcohol, but you're just like, I'm going to get a hot, salty liquid to mix with it. Yeah, I don't need a cold, sweet gatorade. I need a hot, salty gatorade, which I know sounds like I'm at some sort of perverted club,

and I'm ordering a shot of male cum. But I really would like some boiling hot salt water. I would like some boiling hot sperm, though. I just happen to like really, really hot chicken salt, and that is not a metaphor. I really do want broth. This is you at an orgy ordering the broth. Brother, can you spare a broth? Yeah, it depends on the hangover, like you said.

Sometimes you're so hungover, you don't even want to eat. Yeah. Sometimes I want potatoes, french fries. Yeah, potatoes and french fries. At the end of the night, I'm trying to eat usually. So I like to wake up a little hungover, but also kind of full of eggs. I woke up having had, so you don't have to worry about my breakfast. I had stuff at 3.45.

Now, if this girl's question, if it were written by a guy, and the girl at the breakfast burrito gave me a free cookie, should I slip her my number? I would be like, no. She's just friendly. Yeah. Or it's like, you don't want to hit on a girl because she probably gets that all the time. She's just working. You don't have to constantly ask for her number.

Right. But the other way around, the rules have changed. It's totally different. I can't commiserate. I've never been instantly noticeably hot. I'm like a grower. I'm like, oh, I got to know Amir, and then eventually I learned to like him. It turns out he's not as ugly on the inside.

Yeah. His personality is fine enough. I've never been like, whoa, who's that? Crash cut to me playing on my Game Boy. Somebody grabs you on the face. You're like, I need to kiss you. To me? I have a boil.

Maybe we can talk about it on my podcast. Shade. Hunt Zone. He also plays his own guitar on the show. Yeah, poorly. He has a whammy bar and a fender. Yeah. What's that called when you're like the Awawa?

Oh, the Awawa pedal. Oh, yeah, dude. So I think I've been in this situation a couple times where I used to be a scooper at an ice cream place. So what did girls do? It didn't happen often, but there were a couple times where I like got a number on a receipt or something. Did you flirt with them originally or did they just do it apropos of nothing? I probably both happened, but I was like a little bit of a flirt because I was trying to get tips. Oh, so you would give it, would you give cookies or the equivalent of to lady customers that you weren't necessarily attracted to?

Yeah, I would give free stuff to lots of people in order to get tips because I get to keep the tips, but I don't get to keep the ice cream. So if they order a topping, it's extra. I'm like, it's on me and then they give you a buck or something. Yeah. I'm running this place into the ground. The whole ice cream is on me. Why don't you take a full box of chocolates off the wall? On me.

Just kick me five bones. We didn't make any dollars today, but I made 430 on me. I'm making out like a bandit baby. Ice cream place closed on me. It did close right after I left. And it caused the owner on we, which is a deep sense of shame. On we. Yeah, on we.

He committed a hurry, hurry. Yeah. After eating a bond me. Very good. Thank you. Now, uh, would you say it's possible that this guy's just given her a free cookie without being attracted to her? I think it's possible.

But what I would say is that there's no world where he like gets a number on a piece of paper and is like, what the fuck was that girl thinking? Right. Like never any, and you are too shamed to go back there. Shame. Shame zone. Welcome to the shame zone. Hey Nancy, you are a shame.

I'm 50. I'm 58. So I think, I think you, I think you give him your number guilt free, stress free. If he texts you great. And if he doesn't, he'll always be like a little bit of a fun tension there. Yeah. And then there's also the rush of I gave him my number now for the next 12 hours. I'm looking at my phone.

Yeah. When it vibrates. Oh my God. What if it's an unknown number? What if it's him? She says she never will. She never takes, takes these risks. This is like the time to take the risk.

The stakes are very, very low. If he doesn't text you, it's just a guy that works at the burrito place that you go to when you're hungover. Don't worry. If he doesn't text you next time you go get a burrito, you should be like, so you still work at a fucking burrito stand. Like you didn't text me and that's whatever you have the one upper hand on me. You guys have chalula and why didn't you text me?

And let's get the bluest Gatorade you have. So go for it, Nancy. Go for it. Connect four. Here's one called Snooping Boss. Hmm. Hey. Hmm.

We'll call this man Hank Azaria. Very good. Do you think Azaria is making cash from the Simpsons? I wonder like, yeah. It's like a volunteer pro bono stitch. I bet he gets paid, but like, I don't know. Do you think he can afford to see like own his car outright or does he lease it? I think even if you have like, let's say he has like a hundred grand in the bank.

Wow. Just like, as a crazy example. In his savings or checking? Yeah. Yeah. In his savings. Like you're not touching that. Yeah.

He had a hundred grand, which is like, I can't imagine he ever gets to that point, but let's just say because it's like, let's call the far out example and then figure it out from there. Reverse insurance. For the moon. Yeah. So let's say he has at most. Okay.

Let's just say at most. Most. A hundred thousand individual dollars. Insane. Yeah. He would lease. He would lease. He would lease.

Lease to own or lease and trade in. He would lease and then depending on the mileage on the car at the end of the term decide whether or not to buy, but like odds are it wouldn't be worth it to him. Is it something like, is it like an Audi or is it a Passat? It's a Passat. I was going to say it's a VW Passat SE. So it's like a limited Passat black with black interior cloth just because leather gets hot. So he's driving the Passat into the studio and he's doing the Simpsons.

He's doing Moe and whatever, Quimby. This is so friggin nuts because I bet he, and you think he has like a two bedroom apartment. Oh, I think he could do a three plus two at that point. A three plus, does he have a roommate? A hundred grand. Or is like one of the better roommates. Yeah, he has a roommate. And the other bedroom is in office?

Yeah. Yeah. I'm just going to look up quick. Hank's area is net worth and see if he. If it's even close to a hundred grand. It's odds are it's, we're going to be like, ooh, exactly 22. Oh shit. I bet he actually, I bet he drives a friggin Prius.

Wow. What is it? Wow. What is it? Seventy friggin mill dude. What are you talking about, man? Seventy friggin mill. From what?

I guess he's a film and television actor, writer, comedian, producer, he's a producer. That's one of it. Like music wise? Did he have an album? He makes $300,000 per episode of the Simpsons and that's like, I underestimated that. Yeah. How many episodes of the Simpsons are there every season? But like every season?

Yeah. 23. So that's like 23 times 300,000. Yeah. It's like 500, 600,000 a year. Yeah. No, it's 6 million a year. That's crazy.

For 28 years. Yeah. Fuck me. I fucking turned that job down because I didn't think it was high paying. I was like, I could do, I don't know, I could do my way home and I was like, yeah, maybe, yeah. Adolphus is Mo. Mo is Adolphus.

All right. Anyway, Azaria writes, I work at a local church and recently my supervisor, the pastor, called me into his office to have a quick chat. It was nothing too bad except for this one thing he brought up, my social media. He commented on how he didn't like what I was doing on social media and when I asked him what he meant, he grabbed a piece of paper with screenshots of things that I've liked on Instagram. To be honest, it's nothing too bad, just pictures of people doing yoga and some photos

of models and a lot of people I follow. My pastor claims that these, quote, popped up on things that I have liked on his feed, but there are two problems with this. One, things that you like on Instagram don't just randomly pop up on other people's feeds and two, he doesn't even follow me. How would it pop up on his feed if he doesn't follow me? He has to have searched for me, gone to what I like, and searched through my likes for a couple of inappropriate things that I've liked.

What should I do? Is what I like a concern if it takes such effort to see what I liked? Should I say something to him about, quote, snooping on social media? Is this a concern for me because it also has me paranoid about future employers' help? Like seeing you guys in DC. All right. Thanks for coming. Can you see what other people like on Instagram?

Like I can't go to you and see all the photos you've liked, right? I don't know. I think that's a feature on Twitter, but I don't think I could do that on Instagram. Let's find out. On Instagram, there's that page that shows you what your friends have recently liked and then maybe he saw it there, but those are based on your followers. You know what I mean? That page, it's like, oh, Jake, this photo, this person, this photo.

I don't quite see how you do that. There's no page that says, okay, this is Amir's Instagram and this is every photo he's liked. Yeah. That would be so embarrassing. That would be dangerous. You know when they added that thing recently where it's like, if I follow a lady and you follow a lady and you like her photo, it'll be like, this lady has 14,000 likes, including

Jake Hurwitz. I know. Actually, I sometimes, I'm embarrassed. When I like something, I know someone's going to see it and sometimes I restrain myself and I'm like, no. And then sometimes I'm like, fuck it, I got it like this. But why do you like photos of models that have millions of followers? Yeah.

They'll never see it. They'll never see it. Yeah. I've stopped doing that a little bit. It's so weird. I guess. I still want to give them props. The things I like on Instagram are things that support my friends who are doing something

cool and then girls with nice butts. I can't not double tap. I have to give them daps. The girls with the nice butts, those are the ones that I really want to like too. My friends are like, oh, whatever, I should throw them a like. Hey, yeah. All right. You're killing it.

Whatever. And then the girl's like, oh, a butt, I need to harden her else. You know what it is? You're not even liking on purpose. You just start trembling and you double tap. Oh. Oh. Oh.

And then shaking as I reach for my penis and then this cabin is nice. I like that my friends traveling in Iceland and oh, oh, I've liked it eight times. Like I'm like, I'm like, as I fap, not fappening. I feel like, I mean, this is crazy. You don't have, you are allowed to like whatever you want. Are you like becoming a priest? Is it even legal for a priest to like things on social media? Like what's the downside of liking something?

I guess you're just afraid. You're wading into the world of temptation. I don't know. I would just be like, all right, bro. And then the end. I know. It's like a thing that priests can't have sex, right? But can pastors have sex?

Like what are the sex rules? Like any person in the church can't have sex. Yeah. This is you like talking to a nun. Like because I'm down to have a job. I want to do reverend because then I could fuck. Can I still get blown or like is it a fucking thing? Remember the question I had yesterday of the whole priest?

What's it called? Why is it that priests seem to disproportionately molest young boys? Yeah. Why don't they, you never hear about a young girl getting molested. Like why are they always gay molesters? I don't know. Is it like are there choir boys and girls or is it mostly boys that are around? Yeah.

Are there any young women in the church? Yeah. Are the priests opportunistic because the boys are what's near or do they get into the racket because there's lots of young boys? What's the equivalent of a young nun? My new show on CBS coming this fall, Young Nun. Like I know about nuns but they're all 92. What's like an eight-year-old nun?

What's an altar girl? A little sister. Oh what? A little sister. Oh coming this fall. Little sister. Kid sister. Kid sister.

Kid sister. Wherever I go she goes and it's a little three-year-old in a nun costume. Yeah that's cool. Wait what? Oh wait what was the question? And she still laments that she'll never have a man? That's right. Okay so what should I do?

I don't know. What would you do? Would you be like alright sorry relax don't look at my shit? Yeah if somebody confronted me about my likes I guess it's sort of hard not to get defensive and then it's also hard to keep on doing you. Like I just know that he's not going to go through his phone see somebody in Down Dog and like want to like it but just know my priest will see this now or my pastor will see this.

Yeah. Who cares? Who cares? I don't understand the relationship. I guess just start liking lots and lots of photos. Oh that's good. It feels like if you throw someone off the scent. Yeah.

If you like only the yoga photos and only the models but he did say that he's liking friends but just you know keep on going machine gun fire. Yeah and then be like I like everything pastor and I do mean everything. Then find out what the fuck his Instagram handle is and see what that motherfucker likes. I don't think if you don't have an Instagram I don't think you can see what somebody likes. He must have a secret one or something. Wow. Find out the rat account.

Yeah. Not Father John. Oh that can't be me. It says not at the top. It's actually correct it wasn't him. It was Father Ryan. Is this a concern? No I don't think this is a concern for future employers.

You're fine. Yeah. So let's take a break. We'll be back. We'll answer some more Q's some more A's and you are listening to the hunt zone. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult anxious stressful situation talking to a professional

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gonna snap are you gonna chat um how is your snapchat open right now a day oh man I don't know I don't really haven't looked at it really I'm looking at I'm more into oh wow I'm at 49,000 followers on Instagram wow you're dangerously close to that 50k mark yeah can I would love I just want to see a fucking m next to my name oh my god you fucking imagine if everybody listening could just give me give me a follow right quick no it would not be it wouldn't get you but I'm already at 49k I know but it wouldn't give you 951,000 well I'm saying if everybody listening gives me a follow and if we have over a million listeners we don't ah that sucks what you thought we had million listeners that sucks to hear and to know I'm sorry man I don't know I don't know

what to tell you damn it uh but 49,000 is a lot like it's pretty good but it's not like free vacation a lot you know oh you want people to like sponsor you to go you're squinting and nodding I mean I'm also crying you're proud right now for no reason I don't like that about you uh how's the how's our race to 170 going yeah that's your way in uh Jake and I are about how far are you from 170 uh five or six as of last weigh in I'm uh I'm down to 174 from 177 that's pretty good and I'm like around 165 so we're trying to meet in the middle 170 you're trying to shed a little I'm trying to gain a little yeah but I feel like we'll both look better for it if we're both at 170 yeah 170 is a solid weight where do you want to gain where do you want to see the most of your gains

good question uh it is my ass eyebrow and ass am I right eyebrow I'd like to have a little lump of fat over it so like I'm always doing the rock thing and then my asshole so like chubby little sphincter a little doughnut I want a little fucking hostess doughnut that sucks I want a little crusty ass bread why does it have to be crusty you wanted it to be fat what's the doughnut that's just crummy oh I don't know like cake crumb yeah I know what you're talking about but I don't know I want that I really just want it as an ass uh no I don't know I guess yeah I somebody asked me once he's like all right so you want to gain like muscle what's your ideal body because I also don't want to be too muscular right like what's the ideal what do you think my ideal body is I guess

like your chest and shoulders you'd want bigger and your waist smaller but do you know that vicious beat I guess do you know of any actors or friends of ours that you would say like that's the body I want oh definitely not friends of ours uh actors oh the perfect the perfect body is Brad Pitt and snatch yeah but that's so big like he's not that big that's pretty lean oh but he's like just chiseled and cut let me let me show you a quick pic because I fear I'm more of an Ed Norton and I don't even mean junior that's I mean Edward Norton's father Ed Norton senior and I don't mean when he was young I mean now I haven't he was dead I have a granddad bod yeah I don't think I think it would take years of effort and practice uh and working out to get there

look at this I don't think that's crazy uh hold on pass me the phone all right oh yeah it's not nuts I thought he was he's like lean muscle is this in snatch that's snatch maybe you're thinking of like Brad Pitt in uh what what's that one where he plays Achilles okay oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah what if Brad was one of us nice thank you wow this is a cool animated or a cartoon of Brad Pitt and snatch so maybe Brad Pitt and snatch is the dream bod that is the dream bod hey we're all working towards it I'll tell you um I mean these like the shoulders I don't know how you how you get those nice rounded fucking shoulders you know shoulders are the ones that hurt the most because it's like it's a joint so like whenever you're lift whenever

I'm like stretching my shoulders and lifting with my shoulders I just feel like I think it's just where you're where you're weaker it hurts the most because like my shoulders don't hurt but my legs do and your legs don't hurt right like but chest and shoulders are easier for me yeah and for me those are the hard ones and I like don't look forward to doing squats actually your brother kind of has that going on right now yeah he's got the Brad Pitt and snatch bod and the Brad Pitt and snatch hair wait is he know his name is Micah right that's different but I was gonna say if it was Brad brother of Brad I could be I mean damn look at this dude yeah that's a good looking fox anyway yeah all right come find me this summer meet me outside how about the I also want to buzz

my head yeah I want the courage to just shave my head you want to go straight shave I thought you want to do a little bit on top a little bit on top and shorter on the sides all right I don't know for uh an opportunity opportunity the courage I'm also fearful that if I do it it'll be bad and I'll look like a little wiener head for a little bit it'll I mean it would look like that for like two weeks and then what then your little prick then it would grow back oh sorry I thought you were saying but you'd still be a small coward on the inside don't you worry about that it's what's on the inside that counts all right do you want to answer some more cues yeah uh do we answer your fuck buddy or bird quandary next ooh let's go fuck buddy and on bird quandary I like it

all right um uh uh uh uh Harry Shearer writes you think when Azaria gets paid he like it's direct deposit or he'll get a check and bring it to the bank and he has to like wait in line yeah it feels like now that I know how rich he is it has to be direct deposit do you think he knows do you think he checks do you think he ever like logs into his city bank and he's like I wonder how much cash I have no because you probably at that point you have to have like money managers and stuff and I bet he has a freaking four bedroom now that I think about it 70 mill 70 mills and still a roommate because you can't the rent's too damn high even the mortgage on that you hate to pay like 29 oh you think he has a freestanding house yeah absolutely I thought maybe like more than one

upwards of two right I bet he I mean he must have a compound I wonder if he ever even leaves doesn't he just record Simpsons just in his yeah I heard that that's what Harry Shearer did he just built a studio in his house because he no longer wanted to drive in that's that fuck you money that's that Kent Brockman money all right Harry Shearer writes what up Penny Koops and Andy Bloom I like that I've been a fan for years and I'm happy for your success here's my problem I know Jake or even Amir wouldn't call it that but it's a problem for me I get stuck in the fuck buddy zone and I can't get out I meet woman and we hang out and start fucking and it never progresses I've been single 11 years I'm going I'm 30 going on 31 and it's getting boring I know most people have problems

fucking in general and I have problems turning that into a relationship what can I do to change that and turn it into a relationship or am I pretty much fucked like a good like good luck chuck FYI it's not a one-time fucking thing it's we never go out I go to her place or she comes to my and we just fuck seriously I want something more what can I do signed Harry Shearer yes I'm black from the hood WTF is hooking up is it fingering is it fucking is it making out I hear you guys talk about it but I don't know to which degree Jesus Christ this guy's the man he's so chill I think hooking up has like changed like when when I was a kid or now when I was a kid but I feel like when I was in high school hooking up could have just been making out yeah and then at some

point in adulthood it's like did you hook up now we just made out like that's that used to be hooking up yeah that's kind of true but I still feel like if you if I said you hook up with that girl and you said yes I would still follow up and say did you fuck so it's not fully it's it's not guaranteed fucking right but also like if you said did you hook up and I'd only like made out with somebody in a bar I guess I'd probably say I maybe I would just be like a little we only but we only made out what do you think hooking up is making out what do you think is the bigger increase of happiness from nothing to make out or from make out to sex ooh nothing to make out yeah I kind of agree with that that's like it's it's almost like that you've convinced someone to be attracted

enough to you that they are enjoying making out with you and then once they make out to have sex with them is like a less of an increase than from nothing to make it right if I mean all I really need in my life is to be able to lean in and know somebody was about to kiss me back and then I could probably be good oh so you don't even need to make it I don't need to act I just need like the uh tiny little ego inside my body needs to know that it's a possibility so the endorphins the the seed that you're watering is the idea that someone is attracted enough to you to want to have sex me so you take that joy you run home you jerk off and you're not doing it into a cup drink my own semen look in the mirror scream hoorah I'm growing Clarice my semen is poison I'm anemic

all right so besides drinking your own uh semen what would you say this is the second time in the podcast today that we mentioned uh drinking a cup of ordering a cup of semen what's gotten into us we are bad going from sex to a relationship it's interesting that I feel like we we get questions all the time that are like how do I get out of the friend zone which I said into the fuck buddies yeah which is I've said many times is not a real thing friend zone is not that's not like a punishment it's just it's a you're a friend there's not really a zone that you're restricted to uh anyway it's weird to be in the in the territory that everybody wants yeah having sex with a crush

without the relationship obligations but want something more yeah which is I guess is a natural desire is companionship rather than just sexual gratification I guess I may I be so bold as to suggest have you actually articulated the way you feel to these people oh be like hey why don't we instead of going to your place why don't I take you out to dinner then we fuck yeah I think a lot of people that are disappointed with their sex and relationship life haven't actually done enough to take charge they're just hoping it happens right there's like so passive like well this girl doesn't like me she never shows any signs like do you show any signs or do you just kind of sit around and complain all the time like a loser yeah that's true it's a lot of maybe a lot of relationship

uh problems questions uh come from the fact that like I feel all these things and my boyfriend or girlfriend doesn't know about it yeah how do they magically know about it why doesn't everyone just know exactly what I'm thinking I hate to bring it up to be so bold as to bring it up I remember there was one time where I was like talking to a girl at a bar and then she started talking to another guy and I was just sitting there stewing what the fuck is this like she's just gonna ignore me like I thought this is this sucks and then I was like oh what if I go talk to her again and I did and then we went home and that's nice yeah it was a real happy ending to the story for me I was that other guy though yeah of course insane and the girl was your wife

at the time take my wife but there is I think there's a lot of uh self-pitying and like wondering why people aren't like making it easy for you but everybody feels that way everybody's sort of like wondering what other people are thinking and they can't really make decisions until you say what it is you think and feel yeah you have to give them the knowledge for that them to make an informed decision otherwise you're just guessing and hopefully it aligns with somebody that uh with what you're thinking exactly so this might this advice might result in a couple heartbreaks when you tell somebody that you're in the fuck buddy zone with that you really like them and they're not interested in that way but if you keep on doing it keep at it

you'll eventually find somebody that is down uh and good luck godspeed um let us end with a bird quandary of course as we end every podcast with a bird question welcome to the bird zone this is the aviary I'll add some little bird uh sound effects yeah yeah um Larry bird let's call this person writes I attended high school and sorry I attend high school in Calgary with my best friend her and I have been the best of friends for two years now uh and tell each other absolutely everything this is great and all and I care for her very much however she's begun to act strange for two days uh two days ago now she's purchased two birds common bred generic birds if it matters and has adamantly refused to tell me their names when I first found out about the birds

I asked the question any friend would ask what are their names and was answered with a simple yet cold no I didn't think much I narrowed it down to a simple mood swing and moved on however I tried again the next day between classes yesterday I casually said word for word oh hey about those birds you never mentioned their names she responded with stop obviously I have stopped asking I respect her boundaries however this has gotten to me significantly have I crossed a line have I offended her I know I should just let it go but god damn it I I really want to know those birds names by now I can't ask her again clearly I also can't go to her house and see them as her parents are very christian and do not want me a male around their daughter so I feel totally stuck

should I give up on the birds have I missed something huge apologies for the frantic phone email and any grammatical issues as I'm quite nervous at the moment sorry for the essay length as well thanks love larry bird ps I hate to say this but she isn't on her period as that ended last week she is it's quite what did she really say that yeah ps so you know the intimate you know what her when her period is you know when she menstruates that she won't tell you the name of the birds I know your cycle the least thing you can tell me is the name of the birds fucking I'll guess until you tell me I need to know what's a good name for a bird uh tweedy yeah that's a famous one um and uh Karen that's even better I don't know what I was thinking with

tweedy compared to tweedy Karen is crap she's got two Karen and tweedy those are the names the end case closed yeah why is she being so secretive about it it's no I must know the names of the birds stop get away from me you're crazy you're obsessed larry why does she have such a debilitating list you need you don't need to know about my birds this is the time of shit that goes on in Calgary like these are hashtag Calgary problems we've all been there we've all seen the twitter account we're worried about the obstruction of justice here in America yeah you're thinking you're we're worried about russian invasion over here and you're thinking about like in bird names I wish I had your problems uh why do you care about the bird names don't don't don't

ask stop asking and maybe maybe it'll slip up this kind of stuff does really eat away at you though like when you when people are just she she must like want him to freak out or maybe she's embarrassed or maybe she didn't name name the birds yet oh that's interesting or maybe she uh like you said she wants you to want to know and unless you care about it the more she'll be like fine I'll tell you one name you like I'm not even interested that's so quintessential you yeah a little mind game you can play those you can really fake caring oh yeah I can fake caring and I can fake not caring oh yeah you can fake not caring so well it's it's crazy what's an example of me faking to not care uh when the Lakers are losing and Marty's teasing you and you start like rooting for the Blazers or something

yeah rooting for the other team just to rub in the fact that I don't care yeah oh yeah I would say I fake caring so much you should call me Farron from now on oh hi I'm Farron this is another podcast yeah Farron it's sort of a fashion blog slash liberal easy were you play were you play a woman that everybody must know the man because that's the voice that you use yes this is Farron I guess we're going to be talking about a new target collection that's coming out uh all right a collaboration with dvf holy shit you guys Farron is back Farron alert his tube top has to go on me on me uh I think you ask a friend find her closest friend and you say I will tell you when she gets her period if you tell me the name of the

birds tit for tat quid pro quo yes or no you'll want to know when she's menstruating as much as I do oh are you free the birds set the birds free steal them and then she'll post a wanted ad or call or call them around like we'll go wander around your yard yeah calling to them and then you'll know their names Farron Adolphus where are you beam the birds uh all right you'll find out the cheese um okay thanks so much for listening to this podcast that's it if you have your own questions your own emails your own theme song submissions send them all to if i were you show at gmail.com uh the opening theme song was written by a guy named Sebastian this closing one was written by a straight up band called the cane breakers from Louisiana we played one of their

old ones from 2013 and here's a brand new one uh and they have an album right now at cane breakers cane is c a n e breakers dot com uh thanks for listening everybody thanks for keeping those theme songs coming 275 episodes that's number 275 oh i should say we crossed the four-year mark hell yeah happy anniversary to us our podcast is now four years old who'da thunk it our new little project is longer is lasting longer than an entire uh presidential term what a time to be alive especially because this one's gonna be two years no tharn what sorry uh we'll be back next week y'all toadah good night good fight goodbye ciao hosted by vance and the pinch and sometimes a game boy we don't know what to do

we need some love from two yes yes me my boyfriend is corny my tender game has no hope i'm just lonely and horny i want to be hashtagged that was a hate gun podcast