If I Were You - 277: Instagram Girlfriend (w/Mike Karnell and Dave Rosenberg!)

Episode Date: June 5, 2017

Two Twinnovation boys join us to discuss dating apps, whipped cream, and snout outs.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. They don't know exactly what you should do, girl. Listen to it if I were you. Listen to it if I were you. The podcast show if I were you. Listen to it if I were you. That was Tom Leo. Tom Leo from Christchurch, New Zealand.

Which we were at. Oh yeah, that's correct. Yeah, he said we visited once and we're at a bar 15 meters away from him and he couldn't leave his school. That's too bad. Oh well. Mike Carnell and Dave Rosenberg in the house. Howdy Herbs. What?

Wow, you're coming in hot. Dude, come on. I'm actually freezing. Take it. We let the AC on. Take it easy, Dave. You know, I'm just chilling with my boys, sipping on some LaCroix. You know what I mean?

The LaCroix boys. The LaCroix boys. I'm actually more of a Mr. Takate. You are drinking a beer. This is a rare Friday late afternoon podcast recording. Snuck it in. Yeah, this is the most exciting time of the week. Also, we've had you guys on as guests individually, never together.

You get Dave and me on the same coast and shit just starts happening. You know, magic. You guys recorded its renovation out here, right? We did. It was great to be away from Jeff and Nick for like one week. Yeah, and that should drop today, too. Oh, really? Check it out.

It's already out? Yeah, it dropped. This is dropping on Monday, then this dropped on Friday. Last time. Hell yeah. Just subscribe, people. Honestly, then you don't even have to worry about when it drops and you can just, you know, listen at your leisure.

Dave, you seem angry or something. Yeah, the Uber here took an hour. I was losing my mind, folks, and that wasn't even an Uber pool. That was just, was it the Uber's fault? Was it traffic's fault? A little bit of both. Yeah. Yeah, not as aggressive as I would have liked him to be.

Yeah, I feel you. Driving Friday afternoon is the worst for traffic. He also didn't have a map open. He was freestyling? Really? He had headphones in, so I don't know if he's just listening to the directions. I had a guy once, Uber driver, instead of looking at the map, looking at the text directions. So it was like, I know it was oddly annoying.

It was like, it was like make a right on 13th and he's like looking to see where it is. I'm like, they have a navigator. I can't remember what friend it was. I was dry. It was a mutual friend of ours. I was in the car with them and they're like, oh, I don't use the live map. I just use the text reading directions and I wanted to jump out of the car. What the fuck are you talking about?

She's like, well, it's easier this way. I was like, no. No, it's not. It's officially not. That's when you didn't have a smartphone and you had to print out your map quest. Print out the map quest. Yeah. I remember that just like the map quest of sitting in the middle seat and my parents.

That's right. When everyone was like, it's so dangerous. People aren't phones. I was like, fucking motherfuckers were unfolding like a five by five map in front of their faces and like reading very small roads. Like how is that any less dangerous than a phone? Remember, did you guys have Thomas Guides or was that like an LA thing? It's an LA thing.

Thomas Guides. There used to be books that they give you like a AAA. I'm like, oh, you can read like a book of maps. I was like, how are phones more dangerous than books? I think one of the early GPS systems was like a Tom Tom, right? Yeah. Tom Tom. Yeah.

Tom Tom. Oh yeah. And a garment. This week's episode of IRU sponsored by Tom Tom. I wish. I would just like to call out Marty Michael one more time on your guys podcast. Instead of yours. If you guys want to know why I won't get too into it, but if you want to know why I'm

so upset, check out the to innovation podcast. Check out the last four episodes. Yeah. It's funny because I listened to them and I'm still not entirely sure why you were upset. Neither am I. We bang. We're talking.

At this point, I've committed and I can't let go. You forgot how you started and now you're just in the middle of it. Started with ad revenue, but honestly, I don't even like reading the ads or having the ads. So it's a fight. You don't want to win. I still want to win. I just, you know, my heart's not in it.

But then one thing happens for Marty and I get really mad and my heart's back in it. Yeah. That's why you glued 150 little pigs to his desk. Yeah, I had to. And a couple that you still haven't found quite yet. Yeah. Oh, I'm sitting on one. It's in you.

Marty takes a shit in a little pig with his desk. What did you do? You don't want to know. You put it in his oatmeal. Really? Oh man. If you just like looked in the mirror and he was a pig. No.

Is there a way that we could like next, when next time he goes to sleep. Pig him? You said pig him with a very strong sedative. We bring in a top line prosthetic artist. Yeah. And we go full fucking twilight zone on his ass. That'd be so funny. No.

No. No. No. I don't even know why I get it to him. A snout out, folks. Snout out. Hashtag. Snout it out.

Well, you guys have been on this show before, but for any Twin Innovation fans listening for the first time. Which is no one. All of our fans are your fans. This is an advice show. An advice podcast. We do our best to answer emails that we get to if I were your show at gmail.com. Sometimes just me and Jake.

Sometimes we have friends of Jake's on the podcast. Jake gets to bring two friends a month so that he stays invested in the show. Sometimes it's his mommy. Sometimes it's his brother. It's oftentimes my mother. And today, Mike and Dave, childhood friends. Who knew Jake first? I did.

Mike knew me first. We had built up our friendship in seventh grade. We had a falling out, what grade? My senior year of high school. We had a falling out Jake's senior year of high school. What was the falling out about? But at that point, if I could just jump in here quickly. You didn't know him at that point.

Yeah, when they had their falling out, I was actually trying to get Mike to become friends with Jake again. No, it was Jeff. He was not happy. No, because Dave's twin brother, Jeff, is actually who brought us together because Jake was getting closer with Jeff and Jeff was like, hey, you should really just be friends with him again. And we had so many mutual friends.

Plus, we squashed it. Plus, it happened because you fucked our one friend's girlfriend and then I fucked his other girlfriend later. And then we were like... That's how you got together again? Yeah, because the dude was... As soon as he fucked that next girlfriend, I was like, now we're friends again. The dude was an asshole and was like, you gotta choose Jake or me.

And I was on the dude's... I couldn't not choose this dude because I shouldn't have had to choose anyway. Had to because we were on a hockey team. And then I was legit. When I choose to side, you know how I roll. I was legit. You're in the war. Legit mean to you, punched one of your friends in the face.

That guy was not my friend. He was your friend and he deserved it. He was your crew. He was a part of your crew. Because then you were like, I'm getting a new crew. And then I... I know. That's not true.

That is what happened. And I had to sock you that. I can't keep to my friends because Michael punched them. Michael forced the guy to drink milk out of a bowl on the ground. I did. Well, that was like... What? My friend's girlfriend brought her friend and that friend brought his friend.

And that friend was drinking from our friend's refrigerator, was drinking their parents, who I'm also friends with. He was drinking the milk from the container out of the fridge. And I was already looking for a fight. And I was just like, you know, if you're going to be a little kitty cat, I'm going to treat you like a pussy. You know, drink the milk out of a bowl like a cat. And then he actually did it.

Why? What was the threat? I was going to punch him. He was going to punch him if he didn't do it. And then Mike punched him while he was doing it. Did you really? Dude, I'm telling you, when I roll with you, I'm on your side for life and I keep it real. But then...

Wait a minute. What does that mean? It's right together or die together. I understand that. I'm on your team. I'm on your team. And if I'm not, it's bad news. But why did you punch the guy while he was already drinking the milk?

I was drunk and looking for a fight. That makes more sense than the ride or die part. The guy was getting punched as soon as Mike got there. Mike was just doing everything to get the guy punched the entire time. And then by the end, I feel like you just realized, like, this guy's going to do everything I say. Yeah, it really took the fun out of it. But then later, like that same friend who originally split us apart got a new girlfriend

that I fucked. And that friendship fell apart and then, like, it brought us together, which is actually better. We're all better off. There you have it. That's what's up, dude. An unabridged version of a friendship. Yeah. Told in one act.

Dave, do you want to give... Howdy, herbs? We're going to start the podcast from that point. That was Tom Leo. Do you have a fake male's name for this question? We've been saying Jark on our podcast, like Mark with a J. Give us a last name, Dave. Jark Chasman.

Jark Chasman. So pleased with yourself. Chaz, our Airbnb guy. Oh, that's right. Chaz, yeah, that was a fun little Airbnb. About three years ago, I met this girl. She's wonderful in every way, intelligent, great personality, sense of humor, and she's a goddamn James Harden alley-oop ten-cent dime piece.

When we started going out, I noticed she had about 2,000 followers on IG. That's what's up. The pictures were mostly of her gorgeous face, occasional pics showing some skin. Nothing special. Fast forward three years later, and she now has 29,000 followers. Oh, shit. Most of her pics nowadays are her naked, barely-covering her vaginipples, and she uploads a picture about every other day when she used to upload about once a week, and the comments,

oh my god, want to meet up and fuck, or I want to fuck you so hard, I want to come in your mouth, et cetera, all from alpha male Trump supporter type of dudes. I mean, basically, that's all dudes. It's not just Trumpies. Hashtag yes all dudes. I told her it makes me uncomfortable, but she said it's just a confidence booster, but that doesn't exactly help me. Every time she picks up the phone, I get anxious.

We're both 21 from Norway, and I'm thinking about moving into the Netherlands. I gotta follow this chick. Did he give us the tag? I'm not even at the question yet. I don't care about the question. Can we talk about her pics? I'm trying to slide into the DMs to show us those nipslips. I actually don't see it.

I don't want her to delete it if it makes her feel better about herself, but on the other hand, if I could change one thing about her, it would be this. What would you do if you were me? Permission to engage. Mike, why don't you start us off? Chill the fuck out, man. First off, this is her hustle, and this is people's careers now. 29,000 isn't a joke.

She's probably making a healthy amount of money. Maybe she gets flown around. It's dope if dudes want to jerk off and fuck your girl, as long as she's not doing it. I think you should support her, feel proud. I understand why he's jealous, but you gotta get over that. Are you still piping her? Then who cares? That's the question you should ask everybody.

Are you still piping her? If you're piping her, then who cares? If you're piping her, it would make you uncomfortable if a girl you were seeing was doing this? No, it actually would not. Interesting. Like an Instagram butt model is pretty cool. Yeah, I mean, is there also a source of income? Yeah, well, he didn't say it was a source of income.

But it is. She's not doing it if it's not. You gotta brand yourself in this economy. You know, a lot of jobs are going to be lost to robots, but one thing robots can't do, show a little skin. That's right. That's right. What if these photos of hers-

The Ticate lives by. What if these photos of hers get you guys a dope trip to the Mediterranean where she just has to post a couple pics and you get a free vacay? Yeah, you should start favorite photos. But then where do you draw the line? Like if your lady was a stripper, would you feel comfortable with that? David? You draw the line when you're on thechive.com.

What? If you're a chivet, then you've crossed the line. A chivet? Oh, I see your keep calm and chivon tattoo. I think I would draw the line if like a dude was flying her out without me to go to, because then she's like 50. Yeah, I think that's what you gotta worry about. Yeah, if somebody turns into an escort, that's like, I don't want to update that person.

But if you get flown out with her dope, although that probably is pretty rare now that I think about it, they're probably only flying out the girls. Yeah. Why do you think this guy feels- Well, that's why he has to become her photographer. Oh, he should get a camera and he should be her photographer. I feel like you can't take this away. That's a good hustle, dude.

If you wanted to, I guess no matter how you feel, it's too late. There's nothing you can do. She's crossed from 2000 to 29,000. She's not going to delete the Instagram. And the minute you're like, stop this, that's like your relationship's over. She's going to be like, no. So you should get yourself- And then she's going to start fucking one of those guys that's like, hey, let's meet up and fuck.

Yeah, or she'll fuck the photographers. That happens. This is real life. I'm not going to bullshit you. That's actually a very good point, Jacob. He should buy a digital camera, a nice one. Learn photo coloring. Become like her beauty.

Become her photographer. Yeah. And that way you're doing it fluffer. That's a good way to solve the problem that I would not have thunk. There's no- The answer to this problem is never going to be like, tell her to stop it and she will. It's not going to happen. Yeah, it's either get over it or if you can't, you get out of the situation.

Get over it or get out. You can't be to join them. That's what- But why do you guys think it bothers people to see- I don't know. I would fucking marry anybody I see on Instagram. With their butt out, I would be like, I would wife them. Classic insecurities, you know?

Which is what? Oh, these other guys are going to steal my girl. He mentioned it. He's like, when she gets a phone call, you're stressing out like, relax, dude. No one can call you through Instagram. What about this for an idea? If he evens the playing field a bit and he starts posting skimpy pictures of himself. That's what I'm saying.

He could also get ripped and become like a little Instagram model himself. We just have good genes. What if you're not even ripped? What if it's like somebody's fetish is like normal looking dudes? Then you can always corner the market. You could just become like a lunar. Yeah, a fetish for normal people. Oh, lunar is the balloon people?

Yeah, yeah. What's that? People get off on balloons. So what do you do? Rub them on your body or blow them off? Please don't simplify the fetish, okay? Some people get off on it blowing up. Some people get it off on it deflating.

Some people get off on the sound. When you rub them, some people get off on popping. Jesus, you're getting so hard right now. Rock hard, dude. Everyone get off on the pop. The knot? I'm more of a knot guy, so there's a subsection of knots in it. I hate when they pop.

Can't take it. When they pop, so do I. There's full meetups in cities and stuff. It's pretty cool. Have you gone? No, I watched a documentary on it. Is lunar like the weirdest one? Fuck no, dude.

I mean, there's like some real dark ones. They border eventually on like... Rape and murder and shit. Yeah, yeah. That seems like a real... You're just talking about fetishes in general. Yeah. I guess so.

The weirdest one. Luning's definitely on the end of the spectrum. That's like chill. Do you know anyone with a fetish? Along with like fluffers. I've always wanted a fetish, but... I had a girl on a second date ask me to rape her. It was very strange.

She was beautiful. I kind of was like 50-50 on her as a person, but it was our second... We had slept together a few times. This was like our second date. She was like, she was like, you want to know what I want you to do to me?

And I was like, yeah. And she got so close to me that where she couldn't see my face. And she was like, I want you to fucking tie me down. And then I want you to just start fucking me. And I'm going to be screaming no at the top of lungs. I'm going to try to...

I want to fight back. And I want you to just choke me and hit me. And I'm just screaming no. She knows this. And she couldn't see my face and my smile just dropped. I was like, first off, I have really thin walls.

My neighbor's going to call the police. Second of all, if you are asking this on the second date, are you crazy enough or if we break up, you're going to tell the police I raped you? At which point, it would be...

I kind of did. Yeah, what's the legality? I can't get hard to... I'm not going to get hard, dude. I'm just going to be waving my little soft noodle around. What is the legality of someone that wants you to do something illegal to them?

Just don't do it because you don't know. Unless you're in a very committed relationship. Sign an NDA for us. What? An NDA? Some sort of contract. If I'm like,

I want you to steal my fucking tea. Well, then... So we stopped dating. Oh, that's Findum. Yeah. I saw her... We stopped dating. I saw her date.

I have a famous dude in the comedy community and I just wanted to go up to him and be like, I know what you're doing. Drop names. No. I want you to not recycle.

I want to catch you littering. I can't get hard to that. I can get hard to littering, though. I'm into loitering, actually. Nice, dude. So I'll go around the block three times. Oh, yeah. And that sort of gets me off.

It's like little feats of micro-illegality. That's what's up, dude. Like, what's the most, what's the most tamed illegal thing you do? Rollerblading when you're not supposed to. Yeah, that's what I want you to roll. Unleashing your dog. I want you to rollerblade at a public library.

I want you to not look after your dog. Don't pick up his poop. Leave one of the three logs, baby. For me! Ew. Sorry, man. What do you think, Amir? It's just disgusting.

Do you agree with our consensus on the question? I mean, I'm a little bit understand. Like, I would feel a little uncomfortable if my lady friend was, like, bearing it all just because I feel like, you know, there's friends and family involved, and they can see stuff that they wouldn't normally see. That's fair.

I guess I haven't thought about this kid's family. Question. But the dad's probably jerking off. Can you now free the nip on Instagram? No. No? I don't think so. No nip slips, sir?

No. No vag slips? You can really sabotage this. You can just report her. Maybe the Instagram... Portrait is inappropriate. Can you... Is it legal on Instagram to post

a topless photo, but you photoshopped so there's no nips and it just looks like skin? Yeah, I've seen that. Oh. Is that allowed? I've seen that. What about fat topless guys? So, like, there's still some booby and some nips,

but it belongs to a dude. I'll still... I could probably rub one out to that for sure. What did you say? What about elbows that look like butts? That's you. Elbows that look like butts? That's kind of fun.

Like, if there's a nip all close up, but there's a little bit of hair on it, so you assume it's a guy, but it's actually a woman. Yeah, I guess Instagram probably doesn't have enough time to delete all of these if we're trying to tame the system. If you're a fan of fire,

will you start posting your nips and see how long it takes to get down? Yeah, like, if nobody reports it, you can be pornographic, right? Tree falls in the woods and posts a nip pic and nobody reports it to you. I can't finish that. The start was good enough.

We gave this kid some options. I mean, I feel like that's the best bet. Basically, like, don't sweat it, and either you're in or you're out, and if you're in, work yourself into her career. Don't sweat the small stuff in life, and it's all small. We are what a speck of dust.

David's a fucking bow and arrow point. Is that an original sentence? Yeah, it's a new book by Coach K. Don't sweat the small stuff. Subtitle, and it's all small. I like that. It's already a book. Full disclosure.

Isn't that a Kevin James stand-up special? Just sweat the small stuff. I think it is sweat the small stuff. Well, now I wish I didn't. Here's a thematically relevant question about whipped cream. Okay, I'm ready. Mike, do you have a guy's name? Dave, how about you go first, I'll go last.

Clit? Jesus. What? Mick Jiggerson. Somehow worse than clit. I don't know how you did it. My girlfriend of four months writes clit, decided to surprise me one night.

She's decided to surprise me one night during sex by busting out whipped cream and told me I could put it wherever I wanted. Dream come true, right? Wrong. Eyeballs. I hate whipped cream. Eyeballs.

I choose eyeballs. I want you to put whipped cream on my eyes. Down to my contact list. I've never used edible stuff in the bedroom before, so I had no idea how much to use. So pretty much I made a mountain of cream on... I made a mountain of cream on her vagina, and by the time I ate it all and got to the promised land,

I felt like I was going to barf. I'm very lactose intolerant. The issue is that now I can't go down on her without having a PTSD moment becoming instantly sick. It's been a month since the incident, and today after sex she asks me why I don't go down on her anymore. I told her I didn't realize that I stopped and apologized. I really like her, but I don't know what to do.

Should I tell her that her vagina makes me gag or just man up and go down there anyway? Or is there another option I'm not thinking of? Thanks, love this show, love you guys. Get your crab claws out, love. Clint McJiggerson. Jake, I jumped in first. I'll let you take this one first.

Have you guys ever done that? Used food in the bedroom? Nah, it's real messy. It feels like it's so unexciting to me. I do pastrami sandwiches. That's kind of cool. So where's the top and where's the bottom of the bread? Is it like on the opposite sides of her body?

She's the sandwich. She's the cheese. She's the cheese, man. Yeah, have you ever done food? No. I did it when I was younger. It's like, I think it's like a no or exciting like... It is fun when you're like a high school kid.

You put ice cream on my dick once. Okay, so everyone has. No, I've never done food stuff. I was never really into it. What do you mean by pixie sticks? Like a line of coke, but pixie? No, this was on myself. This was on my own body.

It'd be cool if the girl thought that my dick tasted good. And so I put pixie like stick dust on my dick. How'd it go? No, not well. It looked much like a rash by the time. Of course. I unbuttoned myself. I'll say my suggestion to this dude is like,

if you really like her and want to start going out with her, you need to, she has already opened the door to like edible sexual experiences. Yeah. You should find something you like that will erase the memory of the weaponry. You go salty. Put like a little chocolate syrup on her slit and go to town. Oh my God.

And don't forget those eyeballs, bud. We said clit and slit within like 100 seconds of each other. Slit is fine. The rage then. Oh my God. I don't like gash. But that seems like, and if you, you know, don't say that your vagina makes me gag.

No. Like that said, it shouldn't come out of your mouth. I feel like that would make me gag too. I don't like whipped cream at all. I'll tell you that much. Oh, I could eat it. I could eat a gallon of stuff. Maybe try the pixie sticks.

Maybe it works. Just like find a new food. Yeah. What do you, if you had to eat food off of a lady, what would it be? Caramel sauce. That's interesting. I'm more of a savoury guy.

I feel like I would do a shrimp scampi. A beef dip. An au jus, if you will. Oh my God. One sauce. It's not like a salted caramel. That's nice. That's actually nice.

I maybe go capers. Nutella? What? Capers. Nutella might be too thick. I love capers. Nutella might be too thick. Nutella might be too thick.

Capers. One in each nostril. Different flavors of whipped cream. Do they do that? Yeah, let's try them. Do you need to next week's episode a 20-vation for flavor? No, take, go to the store tonight when you hear this.

Get some Nesquik strawberry syrup. Get some whipped cream so she doesn't think you're just a weirdo with the syrup. And then don't do the whipped cream and then do the syrup. Or maybe try cool whip. Because strawberry is dope. What is cool whip? It's cold cream, but not ice cream.

It's like whipped cream, but like in a container. You're going to have to find out for yourself. It's not pressurized. You scoop it out. I think that pussy tastes really good. I love pussy, dude. I knew you were going to have a back and forth. It's my boy, dude.

I thought we were supposed to say that word. Oh yeah, we were supposed to say gash instead. The gash crew? But I don't think you need to add anything. I think you go back to basics. But maybe you just use the juice from the capers. Remember what you loved about it. How old is this kid?

This kid say how old he was? The caper juice. Oh my God. The juice from the capers. You're going to have capers after. The capers are already so small and dense and dry. What kind of juice are you getting from the capers? The capers coming in jar.

Throw them in the microwave. The capers coming wet. Throw them in the microwave or something. I think you're supposed to rinse them before you eat them though. What, how old is this kid? Rinse them before you eat them. It doesn't say. He just has.

How old do you think he is? I would say 20. Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah, just either go back to good old fashioned vagina, which tastes great, or find like a food that will bring you back in. What about like an edible panties or something like that, or satchas too? Oh, he could do an edible panties because then you get the sweetness and you eat away at it. Oh, and it's also like you're not returning right to the scene of the crime.

There's like a little layer. Or what if you make a really big crepe and put it on her like a diaper, right? That way she can make her own little sauce if she wants in the crepes. Now when you remove the diaper with your mouth or whatever you want to use, if you want to use a fork or knife. We're all just taking turns offending every other three guys. Whatever it's talking is saying something awful. Jesus. I'm just offending French people really.

I think the solution is find a new taste that will get you back in there and putt. Whether it's the original style of a vagina or some sort of fruit. Extra tasty crispy. That's a Pringles flavor too, right? Yeah, just try some type of sauce. Buffalo Wild Wings actually has 12. That seems really dangerous. Parmesan garlic.

I was going to say lemon pepper. I don't think you want to put lemon and pepper down there. Parm garlic. Hey, you know what you do? Hey, you know what? Do a little fruit. Guys, this guy should just get like a lemon wedge and squeeze it on there. That might just be a garnish.

Like a piece of salmon. Stuffed olive. Do you think she likes it or do you think she thought of it because she thought he would like it? There's no way that she gets like pleasure derived out of having cream on her vagina. No, I think she does. I think that's part of it. I think she puts it on her body and then somebody looks it off. No, to me this thing, clearly she was trying to be hot to the dude.

And he fucked up by the way. He put like oh too much. Yeah, put too much. Maybe two little fucking pieces on the nipples, jackass. Fucking dumbass. A mound of cream on the mound. Listen, it's too late for that bit of advice. Yeah, he could also very much have a real conversation.

It's like okay, this is the reason I put too much whipped cream. I got sick. Can I put something else? That way you don't have to stick it in. Can I put something else on your vagina to get this whipped cream out of my mind? Just food wise, have you ever had a food ruin for you because you got sick from it? Cocktail sauce for a long time. You got sick.

My sister told me it was salsa and I took a big chunk of chip and I ate a bunch of cocktail sauce. What's the difference? What's the difference? Horse radish should taste gross. You don't want a big chip full, a tostitos scoop of a cocktail sauce. I once had food poisoning from roasted, or it was like on a sandwich that had roasted red peppers. Can't eat those. I didn't come back to chicken for like a year and I like chicken again, but roasted red peppers still to this day.

They're slimy. Yeah, and they truly, I think that's what it was like when I was puking. Everything was like coming back up, but it was especially the roasted red peppers. Slimy stuff. You? Actually at the South by show last year when I drank a gallon of milk on stage, I had to sort of step out of the milk game for a little bit. Wow, and that's saying a lot from you. Yeah, it was like four or five months before I got back on the horse.

I mean, because you were like drinking beer all day and then you had a gallon of milk. I once had raw almonds in a car and I got car sick and I'm like, I don't think I like raw almonds anymore. Well, they're bad for the environment, so that's good. All right. That's fine. All right. Why don't we take a break? Hey, good luck out there, Clint.

Yeah, we're rooting for you. Let's take a break. Come back right after these with more Mike and Dave. Oh, yeah. Need wedding dates. What? The movie. You have to say the catchphrases separately because you're stepping up.

Okay. All right, go. With more Mike and Dave. Oh, yeah. Need wedding dates. Oh, yeah. That's the name of the movie. Wow.

Did you guys make that connection? Mike and Dave need wedding dates? No. Didn't even see the movie, to be honest with you. I did. How was it? Not bad. All right, let's take a break.

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And we're back in case anybody still doesn't know what Twin Innovation is. Can you guys explain it? I would say I'm the host of the show and I'm joined by David and his twin brother, Jeffrey. We've been best friends since fifth grade, correct. We grew up together, Jake's also from our hometown. I would say like the easiest way to summarize it is like a stoner shark tank. So if you like are watching shark tank or if you're like around your friends, you're like, yo, you know, it'd be a good invention.

It's basically us doing that every week. We each present like our scheme or our like million dollar idea, you know, and then we vote on it. What's most impressive about the show is that one, you guys seem very disorganized and frantic. Quite disorganized. But at the same time, your show is so I like the amount of segments and every segment has a specific like theme song and what was it called when you got an interstitial and you guys chant together and introduce everyone like it's very regiment like the structure

of it is very organized chaos really. Yeah, I think that's what we needed was like the structure of the segments for then us to go on tangents and fuck around. And I think that's the best part. Like if anybody out there has not heard the show, start at episode one because it started out, it started just as amazing as it still is, but I feel like you come for the premise and stay for the chemistry between you guys. And I'll say if you're a Jake and Amir fan and you like that, you got a lot of your fans

like the inside jokes and the special lines. That's us, dude. We're right there too. And Jake and I have done your show before. Yeah. So you can listen to Jake and mine's idea. And honestly, we could use the views because Marty Michael's not getting us the ad revenue we need.

And we'd love to. And a fun fact. I will actually Venmo you one dollar if you're a new subscriber. Dave did this. That's right. A one dollar Venmo, seven hundred twenty three dollars. Are you serious? That's a bet.

Yep. And I'm willing to pay for it. Also our hundredth episode is coming up and we're probably going to try to do something special. Wow. Isn't Dave revealing the Clamdy? Yes. That's correct.

So yeah, Dave's, Dave had. Clamoring for that for a long time. Merch will be available. Yeah. And there's a famous Rosenberg mother's clam dip or grandmother's clam dip. And Dave will be, you know, episode two or three promise that on episode one hundred that he would reveal the recipe. And that's coming up.

So when you made that promise, did you think you'd get to episode one hundred? We were. Oh, yeah. Oh, no. Oh, no, folks. Dave's also coming to Montreal. Mike, you're not. I can't.

But Jake and I were talking and we're going to cook up something nice for the fans. So, you know, I'm still there. Tickets still available. Yeah. You can. Jake and I are doing a live podcast and then we're doing a head gum live event with Dave, me, Jake, other head gum podcasters. Tickets still available at Jake and Amir dot com or a head gum dot com.

Sweet. All right. You want to try to answer some more questions while we can? Absolutely. But this one actually caught my eye because it combines our podcast and yours. Great. Actually, this guy goes to Ohio State. I'm a buck guy, dude.

That's what's up. Go box the Ohio State. Thank you, David. That's right. Jake, do you want to give this person a fake name? Sure. Let's call him. Cliff.

Yeah. Cliff Vaj. Gassher. Oh my God. That's awesome, dude. All right. Come on. You got this, bud.

Think of a name. Axewound. Nice. Gassher. That's what Streeter called the vagina one time. Axewound. Axewound. Yeah, really disgusting.

Very mythical. Yeah. It's a guy's name? Yeah. Tom. Charles. That's very good. Wow.

Thank you. I just don't like it. I could use a little whipped cream. We've been hemorrhaging female subscribers this show. This will get them back. Tom Charles writes, I'm a homegrown Ohio boy, a Mr. Smith of myself that went to Washington last summer to intern for the federal government. One Friday afternoon at a particularly crowded happy hour, my classmates and I were approached

by a young professional who also happened to be from Ohio as we were clearly close to leaving and she wanted to save a table for her group. After the initial niceties, the first of her friends showed up visibly excited to be in a conversation with college students. Cutting right to the point, he pitched us a dating app idea that he and the woman had been stewing on for quite some time. The name of the service? Slamham.

Bad name. The entire group groaned and discussed about the title. Who wants to be a Slamham? The answer? People who use Slamham. Essentially, Slamham combines the elements of an increasingly popular bumble and the edgy curiosity-provoking ingenuity that capitulated, that catapulted Tinder to its early success. Like bumble, Slamham is a female-driven in heterosexual encounters.

Each Slamham or girl chooses which interested hogs, dudes, will be invited into their trough for a day. Up to five hogs at a time for basic members. Hams could add or remove hogs at any time from her trough. Hogs at a ham trough can see what other guys are currently up to in the five-man lineup. What makes this different from Bumble or Tinder? The branding and philosophy. At first, only one of my female classmates admitted that she would be open to trying

out this app, and the rest were appalled by the concept being seen as such a vulgar object. Fair, maybe. But as the conversation went on, the guys in the group pointed out the fun-loving, carefree aspect of the theme, and they lightened up to the concept. Slamham goes all in on the raunchy off-the-wall image because it embraces those aspects of online dating. This guy came up with Slamham. Yeah, this is Slamham creator.

There's no way. This is the guy that pitched the college kids to Slamham. He charges short-term, maybe even single night membership, and returns to the game-like self-aware form that these kinds of apps started out from. So I feel like this could be a crossover hit for Hex. We're charging him for this app. He's up. Jesus Christ.

Considering the Twin Innovation Boy's obvious affinity for snout culture, if you have a reservation about putting this app in your trough, I urge you to reconsider. Wait, so it's... I don't fucking understand the question. Hey, bud. Get off this case. Yeah, relax. Okay.

He's a fan of the show. Let the boys handle this. I never thought I would say this, but is there a max number of hogs you can have in your trough? I love it, dude. I actually think it's a great idea because, listen, all dating apps are the same, correct? And what you need is to stand out. Also, we love the pig culture, dude.

We're all about the pig culture. And it's not like he's calling women pigs or men pigs. It's everybody's a pig. Let's get a little dirty. Welcome to my trough. Yeah, hog out a bit. Ham and hogs, which I thought are the same thing. So it sounds like a group chat, so it's one girl and five guys all in a group chat.

I think that's cool. Is that what it is? Yeah, I think... Can you silence a hog? That's... You can kick out a hog at any time. Can you mute a hog? Ham can kick out a hog.

That's the four hogs agree. It seems a little gangled. It's a haemocracy. What do you think of Slam Ham in general or dating apps? Well, I think... I need dating app ideas floating around your head. I think that this guy just conned you for a free ad for Slam Ham. Yeah, that's exactly what you're talking about.

And it's not a real action. It's not a real action. Also, respect. Respect that indeed. And to be honest, the Slam Ham is growing on me a bit. I'll say this, it's stupid enough for people to try. Meaning? And if it catches...

If it gets big enough where it gets picked on people, like, there's new things, Slam Ham, people will automatically try it. Well, it's not a real app yet. It should be. No, you're all in. Are you in as a customer or mister or both? I'd be willing to give you $20,000. Do you have...

The head hog. Somebody tweeted at us saying that they would help us develop a dating app. We have fans who are dudes who go to Oxford who make our apps for us. So the question is... We should make a... I think it's crazy that we don't have a dating app. I really do. But what's the twist?

What's the hook? What makes ours different? Why is ours not... You catch the dating app on Twin Innovation, I think, your second time. Yeah, where you match with the people that you don't like. Which I still think is fun. It is pretty fun. Opposites attract?

Was that what it was? Yeah, opposites attract. You want a Jake and Amir-specific thing? No, that's the thing. I don't even know if it needs to be Jake and Amir-specific because in the early days of Tinder, we talked about it so much on our podcast that I feel like we got them thousands of initial installs. Man.

Like... Back to slam-ham. So five hogs per ham trough. But I learned that that's the hardest thing about dating apps. They're not that hard to come up with and make. The hardest thing is to get people to sign up. The ground is... So why don't we get...

This guy should give us the four of us each 3% in the company. Well I'm saying maybe we can beat slam-ham. Well yeah, we'll just change the animal. Chicken coop. Yeah, that's what I was going to say. The chicken coop. The beavers already got some connotations that we don't want to touch. Like the angry beavers.

Where do bunny... I guess pigs are good because they do all... Maybe... It's got to be a bunny. Fucking like rabbits, bunnies. A bunny thing. You can have little hairs and rabbits. I think the last thing I want to see when I'm talking to an anonymous girl on Tinder

or slam-ham is four other guys talking to her. Well no, they're pigs. You're mistaking their pigs. Yeah, they are pigs in the app. They're human men. I actually think that's vaguely interesting because a lot of girls don't like these apps because all of the guys suck. So it'd be kind of interesting for...

I've never seen other guys on these apps unless I'm stealing somebody's phone. So it'd be kind of cool to see five guys that I'm competing with. It's almost like a dating game. Yeah, oh, a game of finding. I think slam-ham's a great idea. Yeah, I actually like it being a public thing. But maybe for 5% of the company, I'll promote it every week onto innovation. I don't think it should be like a full group chat because that'll go crazy.

I feel like you have four... You have three guys in this thing and then you can ask each one a question. It's literally the dating game. Oh, it shouldn't be a free-for-all for the piggies. Right. Yeah, because then you could just like... It's gonna fuck me, fuck me, fuck me, fuck me, fuck me. It's like a live game.

All four people have to be using the app at the same time. Yeah, yeah. I guess so. Kind of like the game we were playing today on Twitch. Yeah, so say there's... I'm the girl, there's three guys in my chat, it's you three. And I'm like, okay, guys, it's Friday night, you've got to give me three date ideas. Where are you taking me?

Where are you taking me? Where are you taking me? And then... A pig farm. There we go. I choose Mike. I don't need to hear anything else. We're gonna pet pigs, we're gonna play with pigs.

And then once you guys match, that means you guys go off to a known... Like she can ask as many... I guess she can ask like five to ten questions or something, right? And then she chooses a winner, everybody else is banished and then goes on a date with the... Is that better than just swiping, right? Yeah, it's more fun. It's like gamifying Tinder. Yeah, and it makes guys compete and you get to see like, oh, if this guy's pressed, can

he come up with like an original funny thing? You can really bring out the aggressive nature of these hogs. Yeah, I feel like guys are so... And they are naturally aggressive. I think that like showing guys that like they are up against something, like makes people want to be a little more charming and win rather than just like, you know, lazily texting somebody just met with like, let's fuck. Yeah, at the end of the day, the snout culture is something I'm interested in.

I also like the idea that it's live because so much of the dating app is like, I'll write someone a message and then come back two days later and then they'll come back a week later and it slows down. But if it's like live, you know that the person's on the app, you know that they have to use it. And then you could also order food from the app and send people money because you really, what you really want is time spent on the app, right? Oh, I see. Okay, so then we can also, you can check in.

This is the attention economy. Yeah, we're actually talking about monthly active minutes here. That's a MIMS. MIMS. Yeah, MIMS. I don't know why I said MIMS. And I want this app to be able to open while other apps are open. Does that make sense?

Running in the background. Yeah, exactly. We're gonna have to open up the pipeline then. Can we send it around and vote on if you're in for Slam Ham? Jacob? I want to, not Steel. Not Steel Slam Ham. Of course not.

I want to try that from the record. We'll have to pay it from Slam. Make it my own. I guess we'll go with Rabbits. Yeah, I'm in for Bunny Hole. Oh, Bunny Hole's good. Well, what about like the idea of like having games? This thing is a game.

It's like, do you have games? You want a game if I stuff these? Yeah, I think you could have a feature where it's like if you match with someone, you have to message them within 24 hours or that person disappears. I'd say 24 minutes. Wow. I mean, I'm down to, we can work with this hustler. He hustled his way into the pod.

You might as well hear him out. He's a fellow Twin Innovation fan and part of the snout culture. We're all about it. That $1 Venmo coming at you. Yeah, how do people... Did you really spend $700? You have to take a screenshot of you subscribing, and you have to describe five episodes in one sentence in order to get the dollar.

Is that true? No, I'm adding that. Just subscribe and I'll pay you. All right, fine. Let's try to make it harder. It's the first time I've seen you smile on the show. I have bad teeth. Too much milk in my diet.

Wouldn't that make your teeth better? Way too much milk, buddy. They're weakened, bud. It's sweating like you left a gallon in the sun. The enamel's gone. It's just calcified milk. Calcified calcium. That's right.

That's what's up. Chunkified cheese cheese. What was this? His name? Tom Charles? Yeah, Tom Charles. I love it, dude. I love Tom.

Tommy, you got my boat. Tommy boy. All right, that's it. I thought we just started. Damn, that was quick, boys. Yeah, we started 45 minutes ago. I love it. Let's do a double header.

What's that? No, dude, I got a little dinden to get to. You know, I'm visiting LA. I got people to see, people to play. Well, I'll be here, so let's just keep going. Do a second app. It's fine with me. Run it twice.

Run it back. We'll think about it for sure. I'll be here. So just tell me, I'll be here. I know. You're not going anywhere. You're going to stay at the studio even after they leave. That's correct.

Cool. We're left alone in your studio and we, well, we stole some things. Hey, calm down. I stole some things. No one did anything. Dude, strike it from the record. Please strike that from the record, Amir. No.

You'll never know. I guess if we'll never know, it's fine. Yeah. Shit, really. What you guys did was just clean. We did some sweeping. We did some mopping. Yeah, what you stole was the dirt on our staircase.

There you go. And also a bunch of SD cards. Yeah. A lot of micro SDs. A lot of data just vanished. Anything else you guys want to promote while you're still here? Watch late night with Seth Mars. Hey, dude.

Come on. Funyourdye.com. Jesus. Late night with Seth Mars. It's my job. I work there. I'd love for you to watch it. Yeah.

Listen to Twin Innovation. It's actually a very good podcast. We should plug the podcast. It's a very good podcast. So how do people find it? How do people find it? Search, go to Twin Innovation on iTunes Podcast. It's the only one there.

You can go to speaker.com slash Twin Innovation 2. You have a Twin Innovation pod on Twitter. Do you have a Facebook page? A specific episode they recommend? I would just start at number one and go all the way through. If you're like this dude and you got a scheme, you can send. This is basically like we read two listeners submissions every week. So send in your schemes to ideas at TwinOvation.biz and maybe you'll get on the show.

All right. All right, folks. That's it for this episode. Thanks for listening. Thanks for emailing it. The email address for everything, both questions and theme songs, is if ideas at TwinOvation.biz. Well, that's for yours. If I were you show at gmail.com, the opening one was written by Tom Leo.

That was the Drake parody. Great. I loved it. This closing one is by a podcaster from the Reset podcast. Wanted to give a shout out for the Reset podcast. Let me see what else he said. Subscribe to the Reset podcast and Dave will Venmo you like a lot. It's a gaming podcast.

Cool. So it's an Aussie gaming podcast called Reset. This is their theme song. Love it. Dave, thanks for coming by. Thanks for having us, boys. Howdy, herbs. No.

That's all right. Here we go. I want what I do. If I were you, I'd probably write an email to Jake and Imo. If I were you, I'd tell you what I would do. If I were you, I'd tell you what I would do. If I were you, I'd tell you what I would do. If I were you, I'd tell you what I would do.

If I were you, I'd tell you what I would do. If I were you, I'd tell you what I would do. If I were you, I'd tell you what I would do. If I were you, I'd tell you what I would do. If I were you, I'd tell you what I would do. If I were you, I'd tell you what I would do. If I were you, I'd tell you what I would do. If I were you, I'd tell you what I would do.

If I were you, I'd tell you what I would do. If I were you, I'd tell you what I would do. If I were you, I'd tell you what I would do. If I were you, I'd tell you what I would do. If I were you, I'd tell you what I would do. If I were you, I'd tell you what I would do. If I were you, I'd tell you what I would do. If I were you, I'd tell you what I would do.

If I were you, I'd tell you what I would do. If I were you, I'd tell you what I would do. If I were you, I'd tell you what I would do. If I were you, I'd tell you what I would do. If I were you, I'd tell you what I would do. If I were you, I'd tell you what I would do. If I were you, I'd tell you what I would do. If I were you, I'd tell you what I would do.

Thank you.