If I Were You - 28: Love and Basketball

Episode Date: May 13, 2024

In this episode we flex our high NBA and Porn IQ, in a game of trivia-- then we spend a few minutes re-writing the national anthem.Advertise on Segments via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HITGUM original. there. Now here's one more effort for only positive motivations, they swear! Second. Another podcast. Second. Each app different from the last. Second. It's the Swiss Army Knife of Shoes. Now let's meet your two emphatic hoes To set me free Whoa, we should do a live show. It's becoming a tradition.

Yeah. Yeah, cause then everyone could do that in the crowd. It's kind of fun. So if you're not watching on YouTube right now, when the chorus of the theme song comes out, you sort of, your arms go straight up as high as they can. Your elbows do not bend at all. It's like you're being held up by your mommy and daddy.

But your hands also don't touch. Basically do a pencil dive and then release the hands. That's, that is the thickness and the stiffness. Left and right. Yeah. So it's kind of like a hands up sway, but really, really tight. Like you're nervous about it.

Yeah. It's like Mark Zuckerberg at a rave. So he's just like trying to get into it a little bit, but he's not fully there, there, there, there, there. There, there, there, there, there. There, there, there, there. All right, we're back in the Zoom room. That's right.

We're back with some brand new segments that hopefully everybody can enjoy of all age ranges. We got four year olds listening, we got 96 year olds listening. That's awesome. I wonder our oldest and youngest fan, and I wonder everyone in between. Do you know what I mean?

I think it's 38 to 41, is your target age. Yeah, cool, yeah. I kind of missed the insulting theme song. Is that weird to say? It's you and a lot of people in the commenters, so we might switch back soon. I think we should. Maybe we can have Faris make yet another theme song that splits the difference,

maybe one that's even more mean to give the people what they want, so there's a variety. That's nice, I like that. And variety actually is the spice of life is something I have always said. Or as Jeffrey James would say, the spice of rice. Yes, yes indeed.

He's poisoned our minds. We've been talking about rice for five years. Saffron truly is the spice of rice. So yeah, we're gonna play a game for segment number one. We're gonna see how smart you are at basketball, NBA style questions. This was a segment submission on our YouTube. So if you're watching on YouTube, you can leave a comment.

Jay Meyer, VM says, can we do a segment where Jake asks random NBA player facts and Amir has to answer, figure out who the player is. Somebody replies, I love this idea. Amir can come up with some good trivia games. So it'd be great to see Jake reciprocate. Well, I didn't come up with this one, but I can do it. But I actually came up with a different one.

Yeah, you recommended, so we can go back and forth. It's not like NBA trivia back and forth. Who cares about that? You can say, and I can do it, if a porn star does anal or not. That's right, yes. I believe I know every porn star that's performing today, let's keep it relevant.

Can't talk to me about a 70s star. And you mean literally today. Yes. April 29th. That's about a 70s star. And you mean literally today. Yes. April 29th. That's shooting a scene. Yeah. They have to be shooting a scene. With Brazzers or otherwise.

Again, if you're four, if you're 96, please enjoy this total PG light rated humor. This is, it's not too blue, it's too bluey. That's how much it's catered towards little boys and girls. All right, so I'll go first with an NBA star, okay? Okay, and then, so you gave me, I said you gave me the height and the college, the weight helps too, the height and the college,

and I'll try to guess who it is, and then I'll give you a porn star, and you let me know if she's been fucked in the ass on camera. Yes, on camera. That's all I can speak to. Yes, we don't know these people personally, and nor do any of the basketball players. Not personally.

Oklahoma State University. Do you want a hazard to guess? Cade Cunningham. No. Okay. But you gotta give me, okay, give me the height now. Six foot three. Mark is smart.

Didn't even need the weight. I was trying to, did you catch my hint? See how smart you are? That's really good. All right, let me see how Cummings you are. Katie Cummings? No, that was my suggestion yesterday. She's actually on Cameo, Courtney Cummings you are. Katie Cummings? No, that was my suggestion yesterday. She's actually on Cameo, Courtney Cummings. Courtney Cummings.

There's also a Katie Cummings. Yeah, all right, good. I have some questions about the, how you know about this, but let's start with just one to get you started. And then we can get into how the fuck you can possibly keep track of this stuff. Yeah. So I searched born stars who don't do anal

and found a list of 50. And then I've searched born stars that do do anal and found a list of 50. Do do anal. What do you think the breakdown is? Do most of them do or most of them don't? I think these days, most of them do. Most of them will dally.

But I don't know, maybe it's kind of always been like that. Lily Glee. Lily Glee. Do you know that lady? Again, I don't know if these are obscure or famous. So when I say Lily Glee, I know if you're like, yeah, I know who fucking Lily Glee is. I don't know who Lily Glee is.

I need to see a picture of their face. Okay, that's fair. I'm gonna look up Lily Glee, not look up the anal thing. And I do leave their ass. I see her face, she is, she's, looks new, has to be new. I'm gonna say no anal. Lily Glee does anal.

No! Does anal. No! Does anal. Shit. Yes, Lily Glee does anal. Shit. Yes. Lily Glee does anal. And what's he- I tried to, again, air on the side

of newer porn stars for you, which is what you told me. Yeah, I appreciate that. And you'll tell me if this basketball, this NBA star does anal, okay? Okay. He's six foot nothing. Six foot oh. Six if not an inch. Five eleven soaking wet. Which he will be after doing anal. Six feet in flats. Six one in a wedge. And he went to not my alma mater but my alma daughter where Gemma will go to school,

UConn. Oh interesting. Are these all current NBA players? Yes. Or it can be like UConn 6-0. It can be like, UConn six zero. 184. Wow. So we're talking about a point guard, a light point guard. And does anal. That does anal. You might've stumped me here. My first thought was Kemba Walker,

but I don't think he's in the NBA and I think he's a little bit taller than six foot nothing. So I won't say Kemba Walker. Give me point guard, Yukon. You've gotta be kidding me with this. It's Kemba Walker.

I have to stop you. Is it? It is Kemba Walker. I didn't realize he wasn't, he's not in the NBA. He's not. He was recently, so maybe he hasn't officially retired, but I believe he's playing overseas.

Okay, that's good for Kemba. And it's good for me, because I didn't know another Yukon Poincaré. I thought he was a little bit taller than that, but that's fine. Six foot nothing, yeah. No, I mean, you basically got it. And he is, it looks like he is playing in a French league.

So, but he was on my ESPN fantasy page, which is why he came up. Which is why you lost at fantasy. You started him. He was racking up points in Monaco. That's right. Cassidy Banks. Cassidy Banks.

Let me. Have you heard of her? Yes. Yes. And when you picture her, you have to look her up. I thought, this is who I thought it was. I had to look it up to verify. Cassidy Banks, no anal, no anal there. That is correct.

Cassidy Banks has never done anal. So how did you, just to dig in a little bit, because I watch porn, honestly, so casually, when I'm watching porn, I can't even tell if they're doing anal or not. I'm scrubbing through, sometimes it looks like anal, sometimes it's doggy style. Are you separating the anal from the doggy style

and then remembering every porn? No, I don't even like, I don't like watching anal porn. I just, I see it, I remember these things. I guess I have a fascination with pornography or something. But how can you remember that she's never done it? Like what are the odds that you just haven't happened about it? I've seen everything there is to see. I know it all. So there's not like, oh there's a clip I haven't seen. Yeah.

You have a library of congress in your head of every porn this woman has done and you're scrubbing through it in your mind's eye and being like no no no no no no no no, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah, no point, no. I have a photographic memory for the least helpful thing in the world, I think. I really think. Yeah. But I did get Lily Glee wrong, but I've never seen, I'm not familiar with her work.

She seems brand new. Yeah. Brand spanking new at that. Speaking of spanking. Yeah. Okay. So you're one for two, I'm two for two. Okay. Yeah. Um all right. This next gentleman went to Kansas. Played for the Jay Hawks. Okay. Good on him. Yeah. Um he is six foot six and he is 205.

That's lean. Six six from Kansas. 205. Yeah, tall and slender man. Nothing is instantly coming to mind. Unless it's one of the Morris twins, but I believe they're taller than that. I think they're like 6'8", 240.

We're looking for a shooting guard from Kansas. 6'6". Who's an absolute bucket slash Jayhawk. Rock, shock, Jayhawk. Yeah, this guy was on your fantasy team? No, I'm just on the fantasy player page right now. I did not make the playoffs, but I won the loser's bracket, which is kind of interesting.

That's actually the least interesting thing you've ever said. Really? The polar opposite of interesting. I won the loser's losers bracket seventh place. Dead center of our league kind of interesting. I'm drawing a blank. I'll guess. Devante Graham.

I'll give you a hint. I think his name is funny. Oh, interesting. How about current team? This won't count, but just give me the current team. You got it. It looks like he plays, oh, he plays in Taiwan. In Monaco as well. Sorry, this is Timothy Lualo Cabarro,

who retired nine years ago. He plays for the Raptors, the Toronto Raptors. Oh yeah, I should have gotten this one. It's Grady Dick. That is right, it is Grady Dick. And he gives that great dick. Do you know what I'm saying? Grade A dick.

Yes, that's good. Now, speaking of grade A dick, why don't you give me another ass and I'll tell you if it's smashed or passed. Charity Crawford. Charity Crawford. I think I'm not even going to see her face.

Are you familiar with her game? Again, you need to see her face. I do. I mean, I think I can't really remember. So the names don't mean anything to you. You're not reading the descriptions or the titles. The names are basically nothing like Charity Crawford and Cassidy Banks. That's they're the same name, basically.

And yes, I know, to me especially. But yeah, to you with a fucking Rolodex of porn clips. I better with faces. I thought you'd be better with faces. I'm better with faces than names, asshole. Speaking of asshole. I'm better with anoles than names. Never forget an ass. I don't, no, I think she has,

I think she does do anal, do do anal. According to this list of porn stars that have never done anal, Charity Crawford is on this list as a not anal participant. Really? Well, according to Hussie Pass, it looks like, no, I don't know, I don't think she, yeah you're right, I don't think she does do anal. So you just, you're sort of, you see the face and you're like, have I ever seen her do anal? And that's what

you're going by. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Got it. I guess so. Really talked a big game for being one for three. One for three, yeah. You've watched every part of every porn. Like you're not doing like the skip around situation. You're like, I remember this part of this film. I don't watch every single part of every porn, but I think I like read the,

you know, the title of what it is. You don't even read the title. I'm fascinated by how you watch porn. You will just- We're on polar opposite ends of the spectrum. You will just log on to a streaming- I watch not enough and you watch too much. A streaming porn site.

Are you on your laptop or your phone? Phone. On your phone, in your bedroom? Public. Library, usually. On a bus. And I have the two dummy arms going reading a fake book. You'll go, yeah.

You just go to the porn tube site. You click on the top video. You'll search. Threesome. You'll search. Yeah. You search threesome. But pretty generic search. Yeah. You search threesome. Pretty generic terms.

Yeah. Do you, and do you have a preference? Are you like- I'm never tracking anal V-naught. Yeah. Is it always threesome? Or do you, when you log on, you're like, maybe I want to see a blonde today.

Like- Yeah, maybe I want to see a blonde today. Maybe I want to see this specific person V-naught. Maybe I want to see this specific person V naught. Maybe I want to see a threesome versus like a duality of man. Maybe I want to see a visual poem, a dance representation. You'll jerk off to a high coo. A cheerleader sucking off a football player. Cheerleader, very nice.

But I'll never remember the faces, the names or the buttholes. Yeah. You know, one for three, maybe you don't either. Yeah, I guess not. But tell me if you know this gentleman who went to college at the University of Georgia. And he is six foot five. And he weighs. Yeah, that's Anthony. Yeah, it's Anthony Edwards. It's not Anthony Edwards. Really? So Georgia, six, five. 205. And he weighs how much?

205. Are you sure you're not describing Anthony Edwards who might be this height, weight and college? Let me see. He has a body doppelganger in the NBA. Anthony Edwards went to college at Georgia. He's six foot four. Oh, and how much does he weigh?

225. Wow, so we're talking about a slightly taller, slightly skinnier Anthony Edwards, who went to Georgia. Go dogs, of course. Drawing a blank again. That's okay. That's okay. Don't have it.

Who is it? Cantavious is the first name. Well, Pope. Oh, all right, you got it. All you needed was the first name. Well, Pope. Oh, all right. You got it. You got it. All you needed was the first name. Yeah, that's why I chose it.

That's why I needed what's his first unique name. That doesn't exist anywhere. His first name starts with a Cantavious. I should have gotten that one. That one's on me. Yeah. All right. Give me another porn star.

All right. We're really bombing this. We have to do better. I know. We have to beat her. Let's end on a few high notes. I found two with the last name Jade. Like Ruby Jade. Do you want Harley or Amethyst?

I guess Harley, because I don't know if I know Amethyst Jade. Harley Jade. Okay. Ruby Jade's sister. Harley Jade. Looking, I don't think I know her, but, but.

B-U-T-T. I think, I think but is on the table for Harley Jade because she looks like a more polished porn star. I'm gonna need an answer. Oh, it needs to be anal. It is anal, yes. That is correct. Anal is true.

The butt has it. That's right. I'm gonna give you one that's really easy, I think. Okay, and on a high note. Seven foot four. Wow Wow it's really tall. That's it. Feels like you should. Yeah there's not a lot of seven foot four guys. Historically it's a Mark Eaton. Historically it's a Chuck Nevitt. We're talking about modern players. I think it could only be Bobon or Wemba Nyama. But if you went easy, then I'll say Victor Wemba Nyama.

But he didn't go to college, he played in France. Do you want me to, I can give you the weight. They're all gonna be very heavy. Okay, what's the weight? Well, it seems like one will be a lot, Wemba Nyama is very skinny. Yeah, for a seven four, he might even be seven five, quite frankly.

291 pounds. Okay, so that's giving Boban. That's feeling Bobanish to me. Yeah, Wemba Nyama is 90, is 209 pounds. So like almost 90 pounds lighter. Bobon is correct. Did you see what Bobon did the other day? No.

All right, we'll end with this. He's on the Houston Rockets, but he was on the Clippers at one point. So the crowd loves him because they're playing their last game of the season. The Rockets are playing at the Clippers. The Clippers are not rooting for the Rockets, but they love Bobon.

They're cheering when he scores because it's the last game of the season, it's meaningless. Bobon gets fouled with like a minute left. The game's kind of decided. He misses the first free throw. The crowd goes crazy because if a player misses two free throws in a row,

the entire audience gets free Chick-fil-A. Bobon at the line realizes this and says, okay, you guys want free chicken? And they're like, yeah, we want chicken. He's like, okay, this is for you. This is for you. This is during the NBA game at the free throw line. He throws the ball at the rim, misses on purpose, raises his hands up, and everyone just gives him a standing ovation because he basically gave, threw a free throw incorrectly, poorly missed it on purpose so that everyone got free chicken. And they all loved it.

He yelled, do you want free chicken? While he was on the court? He's like, all right, okay, this is for you. This is for you. You want it? Okay. Like a wrestling match. Like a wrestling match.

I wonder if there's coaches were like, don't miss on purpose. Don't, why are you being nice to the NBA team? What was the score? It was game seven of the NBA finals. They lost by two. Amazing. No, I think they were up like,

the Rockets were like up by like 15 or something. So like the free throw really, really didn't matter. Yeah. And the season is pretty decide, like are they fighting for anything in their season? No. Okay. So it really doesn't matter. Neither team fighting for anything.

It's a fake game. And he gave them the chicken that they No. OK, so it really doesn't matter. Neither team fighting for anything. It's a fake game. And he gave them the chicken that they wanted. That's so great. I told you my Bobon story, right? I went to the Knicks game with Ben. And we're sitting like courtside, like in the announcer's booth, basically. And I guess he knows Bobon somehow.

Yeah, Bobon is like around actors and comedians. Cause he's like a very nice, friendly guy. He's also seven foot four and crazy. He's like in Gun Wick. Yeah, yeah. He's been at HeadGum. He did a here to help podcast. Oh, that's right.

Right in this room. So, but Ben is like, I'm gonna like, I'm gonna say hey to him. And he's about to check into the game. He just comes over. Oh, the Knicks were playing the Rockets? Yeah, yeah, the Knicks were playing the Rockets. He comes over, he's about to check in. We're right there.

And Ben is like, hey, Bobon. And Bobon just turned, recognized him, and Ben put out his hand. And his hands are like three human hands, they're so big. He looks like a CGI giant. He has giant ears, he's a giant person and his hands are enormous.

So Ben raises up his right hand to like, dab him up, Boban looked at Ben and like studied it for a second and then with his giant left hand, just went down and gripped just two of Ben's fingers like the tiniest most gentle finger hug. It was just that pulled them clean off, swallowed them whole. It was so tender. It was beautiful. And then did you ever see or say hi to Boban after that? That was the only moment.

No, that was the only moment. And he had like fallen down or something. It was like some kind of hard foul. And Ben was like, are you okay? He was like, yeah, yeah, I'm fine. And that was kind of it. Boban doesn't feel much. It doesn't hurt Boban.

That was great. All right. I think we were fine at that. Give me one more porn star. Okay, good. I was gonna say Piper Perry. Piper Perry, no. You got it.

You fucking knew it. How did you know so fast? I know Piper Perry. Why are you giggling? Oh? I know Piper Perry. Why are you giggling? Oh I know Piper Perry. What does that mean? I have no idea I just I just knew who that one was. And then you knew that was how I imagined the whole segment going. It should have all been that easy. It should have all been Piper and it should have all been Bobon. Yeah. Thank you to BetterHelp

for sponsoring this episode of our program. Hell yeah, thanks BetterHelp. Jake, I don't know if you know this, but we sort of all carry around different stressors, big and small. Yeah, no, I've heard of that. Yeah. I've heard that. I've heard some people do that.

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Segments. Take control of your finances today. Thank you, Rocket Money. ["Funny"] All right, we're back. We got another great recommendation for a segment from AsCoolDanny on Instagram. Yes, that is correct.

They recommended that we revamp, that we rewrite, that we punch up the national anthem. Yeah, it's sort of light work and easy for us. We're musicians, comedians, and patriots, most of all. Yeah, and we have a Patreon. We're Patreon and Patreonic, do you know what I mean? We're Patreonic and Patreonic. And Patreonic. Do you do you know what I mean? We're Patreonic and Patreonic. And Patreon.

Do you think you know all the lyrics to the Star Spangled Banner? I think so. How does it start though? Can you just say it all? Oh, say can you see? I'm just kidding. Oh, say can you see by the star spangled light.

No, already wrong. By the dawn's early light, what so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming, whose broad stripes and bright stars through the perilous fight and the rocket's red glare, the bombs bursting. Really? Or the ramparts.

Oh, or the ramparts we watched were so gallantly waving and the rocket's red glare. Streaming. Streaming, yeah. And the rocket's red glare, the bombs bursting in air, gave proof through the night that the flag was still there. Oh, say does that star spangled banner yet wave. Woo!

We are the land of the bees and the home of the wave. Hang 10. Happy wave everybody. I bet I wonder if I would have been able to remember if I was singing it. It's harder to speak it. But Francis Scott Key couldn't have known the key. There was no tune to it and it was just a poem.

So, and what was it but a love letter to his country after a battle? I was gonna say, how does this rank for you as a poem specifically? I don't usually go for poems that rhyme, but I think, I don't think you can, I don't think one could argue that it's not moving. It stirs something in you.

It really conjures up the image. And it makes you feel patrioticotic even if you don't give a fuck about America you know because part of me thinks that if we if we do change the national anthem it should just be another American song oh you mean just like make it born to run by Bruce Springsteen or something yeah or this land is your land yeah this land is your land is not bad. It's kind of interesting for an American national anthem because it is like sort of what we did.

This land is your land. This land is my land. So it's like. Standing on Texas. It's like, oh, this land is your land? Bye now. This land is your land? This land is your land? Bye now. This land is your land? This land is my land.

From California to here. Yeah, okay. It's a weird time to write a new national anthem because half the country hates the other half. So how do we bring those two people, how do we get these two very diametrically opposed population segments to agree on anything, let alone a song? Yeah, that's interesting.

So we should kind of do something that bridges the gap. It should honestly sound like old town road because it's like that's a country song and also a rap song and also a pop song that everyone seems to get along with. Yeah, so like a horse, it's a horsey back kind of day. That's when we all go along this,

oh, it's a horsey back kind of day. It's okay to be straight, it's okay to be gay. So that's kind of something for the left and the right. At least we're on the right side of history, yeah. Oh, interesting. I was trying to say something that everybody could get behind, or that it's, you know, some of them all the crew.

You could also say, try to only make it things that they can't disagree with. Yeah, but a lot of people do disagree with that. It's okay to be gay. Right. Obviously not us. Yeah, so let's do stuff that nobody can say anything about. The sky is blue.

Yeah, it has to be so vanilla, so bland that people can all agree on. So it's like. Mountains, roads. And again, it will be to the tune of Old Town Road. So it's like, I'm gonna take my. Well, why is it yours? Something, not a horse.

Like you can't own an animal. Yeah, I'm gonna, okay, not even I. There's a horse. We're gonna have a. There's a horse over here. There's a horse over here. There's a horse over here. There's a horse over here. Dear Liza, dear Liza.

At the side of the road. Yeah. The sky is blue, or so I'm told. That's kind of interesting. There's a horse over here. At the side of the road. The sky is blue, or so I'm told. Or so I'm told. So I'm told.

And there's trees. And that's- I'm gonna eat this hot dog with a fork and a knife. No, no, no, no, cause in the hot, there's beef eaters and there's vegetarians and vegans. That's just not good. Well, it could be like a vegan sausage. Right, well, I feel like there's probably some, you know,

people on the right who like don't even like the sausage impersonation. They don't even wanna know how the sausage is made actually. Exactly. Give me another porn star. Riley Reid. Riley Reid, porn star. Riley Reid. Riley Reid, of course, of course. Yeah, if we could insert her into this song.

Okay, so far we have a horse, we have the sky being blue, and we have the fact that there are, we can say like, there are beaches, there are deserts. Right. Like this land is your land style. You just say what there are. Yeah. Like this land is your land style. You just say what there are. Yeah.

Yes, people can't get mad about it. There are beaches here, there are deserts around. There are cities as well. And trees abound. Seattle is in Washington. From Seattle to Miami. Seattle is in Washington. From Seattle to Miami with Nebraska in between. And then not God bless America.

And it's like, that is America. Land that I've seen. So he's seen it. And you don't have to have an opinion. That is America land that I've seen. And seen. So it's neither good nor bad. It's just saying that the sky is blue.

There's Seattle and Miami, two pretty vastly different cities. Yeah, and there are mountains and there are deserts. And you're just saying that's America, not that it's good or bad, but it's land that I've seen. That's what it is. And yeah, is it better? Now that I'm saying, that land that I've seen,

I feel like it should be to the tune of God Save the Queen. Isn't that like the British one? Yeah, yeah. How does that, what does that one sound like though? God Save the Queen. I mean, this one is terrible. I'm sorry, United Kingdom, but this is one of the worst national anthems

I've ever read. It starts, God save our gracious queen, long live our noble queen, God save the queen, send her victorious, happy and glorious, long to reign over us, God save the queen. Like that's giving her too much. Victorious and glorious is a pretty, that's a fun rhyme. And then rule over us, I see. I don't know, there's something, there's something there, but I don't think it beats our national anthem, land that I've seen. Yeah, God save the queen.

What about land where I've been? Land where I've been? I've been there. I've been to this land. I've been there. What are you playing? Can you hear this? Yeah. Okay. The music is pretty good. I think we should steal the music. And it's to the tune of, we have, haven't we? Isn't that the same of like, land of liberty, of the icing. That's God Save Our Queen. Of the icing is God Save Our Queen. We've stolen shit from them, from the Brits.

Wow. From Seymour, from the Brits. From the I sing is God Save Our Queen. We've stolen shit from them, from the Brits. From Seattle to Miami to the Oshka. It's not God. Land that I've seen. Perfect. We kind of nailed it. It was a struggle at first, but like it wasn't that hard. Yeah. We spent eight minutes on it. We got there and we got there good. Not only did we get it, we kind of improved on a timeless classic that probably took his ass years to figure out. Should there be a rap verse between any of this? Old town road style. Like a little, yeah, like a bridge

and Nelly comes out or like Ludacris. My outfit's ridiculous. But it's like during the national anthem. Yeah, yeah, that's really good. Illinois's ridiculous. And why Indiana is on the left and Wisconsin's on the right, yeah. All right, yeah, that's perfect.

And then you soldier boy. Well, Ludacris, well, this is pretty much, when he comes into the lab, or that's what I call the recording studio, he'll freestyle. Yeah, the studio of the lab. So like, yeah. He'll figure it out on the day, basically. Right. But the, like, the meat and bones.

Is there. The full English breakfast of it. Yeah, got to say for Queen style. Is there in pieces. Mm, yeah. It's called land. That I've seen. Yes. My outfit's ridiculous.

Why is he proud about that? Okay, let's take another break. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Indeed, indeed. Simply put, it's the easiest way to create a professional looking website. Couldn't agree more, bud.

That's it. Yeah. That's the tweet. Yeah. No, they do have a lot more than that. It's a, it's a, it's a, they have 24 seven award winning customer support. They have very simple drag and drop technology.

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Interesting, that's pretty good. Yeah, yeah, it's like if you're a boneheaded person, but you're doing a boneheader of a move, you know what I mean? What about fitnessnah.com? So it's sort of like a relaxation technique slash way to say damn the man with regards to fitness. It's a movement about not going to the gym.

Fitness, nah. It's an anti-movement, really. Oh, that's good. It's a non-movement movement. Is anti-movement one? Anti-movement seems like it should be. I'll have to check it out later. Actually, let me look right now. Anti-movement.com is not available.

Don't buy that one. Yeah, okay, yeah, I wouldn't. But fitness nah. It's more about fitness nah.com. Yeah, it's more about fitness nah thing. Yeah, Squarespace AI also is a great way to kickstart or update written content on any website. They can generate instant personalized results

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of a website or domain. Thanks folks. Thanks Squarespace. One last segment to rule them all. That's right. This one is one you came up with? Yeah, we're gonna do everybody a favor and give you some opening dating app lines

because I know it's a struggle out there. We used to have a dating app. It is now defunct, but I do know, I believe there are no less than three couples who are engaged because of Orion. So. Potentially married by this point. We did our work.

But yeah, I feel like one of the tougher things to do is come up with that first line. Yeah, I think the newer dating apps makes it a little easier. You can like comment on individual photos or like questions and answers that the person put. Jesus. But there are still ones that are just like,

all right, throw it into a chat, good luck. Yeah. So that's why my first pitch for an opening line on dating app is, you- Tell me a porn star and I can tell you if they've done anal. Are you Piper Perry?

Really? You look so familiar. Okay. How about, so you message this dating app, you say, we'll see Becky, I'm a goddamn catch and there's so much better for me out there than you. You fucking whore, all caps, three exclamation points.

And then you respond immediately to that. You say, sorry, wrong text, how's your Thursday? Smiley face, but just the emoticon smiley face. So a colon, a hyphen, and a parenthetical. Yeah, yeah. Thoughts? And yeah, well, my first thought is that people will think it's real, because most guys are kind of insane

if you've seen enough crazy people. But for the man or woman with a good sense of humor, maybe they'll be like, LOL, that was fucking nuts, ha ha ha. It's like a good, it's a solid end. So it's a good way to separate those with a sense of humor. I would be really afraid to send it. Yeah, I'd be afraid to send it, but I think it's funny. Yeah.

Maybe don't use the word horror though. Yeah, yeah, for sure. I felt weird even saying it now, but I think it really sold the unhinged aspect of it. Yeah, what if you follow it up with the classic, oh my God, I'm so sorry I was talking to my aunt, LOL. I copied and pasted, it was a copy pasta, and I'm an impasta.

Here comes the hot step. Sorry, I'm still thinking about the national anthem. Voice note. What about this one, sort of based on what we were joking about earlier? My first message to somebody else is, Amir has blocked you. What the hell? Oh, that's good.

Why? That's sort of playful. What did I do? It's like sort of a tech slash casual neg. Yeah. Yeah. Or it's like, why did you block me? Or it's like, oh, I actually thought you blocked me or go fuck yourself. I don't want to talk to somebody that blocks me. But at least you guys are talking about something. What if you just text block and then you'd say, they say, oh, sorry, I didn't know. I don't know how these dating apps work. How's it going? I don't know how these dating apps work. How's it going?

Hashtag unswipe, hashtag I meant to go left, hashtag unbottle, hashtag unmatch. That one's pure negative, nothing, with like, yeah, no positive angle to it at all. How about this one? You write and you say, hey, this is Jake's mom. he told me that he didn't wanna try dating apps but you seem like a nice girl.

And then you respond, you say, my god, so embarrassing. But my mom was right. That was actually my dad. Yeah. LOL, just kidding, that was actually my dad slash on. That was actually my dad, he's a pervert. That's good, okay. Or, okay, here's another one, just right off the blue.

I'm just blue-skying here. You can take it or leave it, whatever. If you want it, have it. If not, no skin off my back. I'm out of the game anyway. Like, you can use it or you cannot. That's right. Yeah, what do you think about that?

Oh, I see, that's perfect. No, no, that wasn't it, that wasn't it. You start with, instead of nagging, you go full self-deprecating. LOL, let me guess, you meant to swipe left, didn't you? Jesus, no. Don't worry, this happens all the time. You're a good-looking guy. Go ahead and unmatch me now I don't think I can handle the

rejection in a week or two. That's pretty good that's pretty good. Okay that's good. How about my isn't there a saying that's's like my yellow flag or my red flag? Oh yeah. My beige flag is making up too many flag colors. What's your teal flag? How about just what's your teal flag? Cause it's kind of confusing. It makes me be like, what are you talking about?

What's a teal flag? Oh, it's like sort confusing. It makes them be like, what are you talking about? What's a teal flag? Oh, it's like sort of like something about you that's neither red nor green. So like it can be that you like carrot ginger soup. Mine is that I love carrot ginger soup actually. But mine is that I own a vest. What if you just send them an Uber gift card? It's a really expensive opening message.

But if you love it, yeah, you can do it. I've done it a couple times now. You just, you say, hey. You go to like Uber Eats, you can pay for a gift card. And then it's just a link and you can send it via message. Wow. So you say. Okay, let me spice that up.

You say, opening line, you two have only matched, not talked. Hey, sorry, I don't think this is working out, but let me get you, let me at least get you a $50 Uber Eats gift certificate. Excuse me? Yeah, I mean, like, why do we even go through with the dog and pony show over

for a second and third date? We all know where this is headed. It's not a great, great fit. So the least I could do is get you pads to do and a mango lassi. Yeah, you can bundle stuff. They can pick up things from two restaurants. It's the least I can do.

Throw in an $11 pint of Bramble Berry from Van Lewin. It's literally the least I can do. So you're breaking up with Uber gift card. That's a good way to break up too. Yeah, yeah. At least you can have some free food. All right, what's your teal flag? We're breaking up, here's an Uber Eats gift card.

You had the Jake's, oh, this is Jake's mom swiping. Yeah, is there something, what about, like, is there a way to send a picture as an opening message that's not insanely creepy? Maybe you're not even allowed to do that, that would make sense. You're probably not even allowed to do that. I've seen pictures, I mean, it might be like blurred

and it's like click here to view, but I think. Oh, interesting. Cause like, I want to, if there's like an innocuous one, it's like, imagine just being like, oh, like here's a quarter from your birth year. Terrible example, but you hold up something and then the background is like either something really impressive or insanely scary.

Like your house, your house isn't on fire in the background or there's an infinity pool. So an opening message that's not about, yeah, you send a photo, but it's more about the background. It's because you know the look in the background. Like, all right, summer's almost here. It's you with the thumbs up, but in the background, your house is on fire. A conversation starter, to be short.

Okay, how about this one? Your first line is something that says, quote, I think I can help you there. There's many options for opening dialogue lines. Here's a few that you can use. Hey, how's it going? And then whatever. And then you say, oh shit, shit, shit.

I think I copied and pasted too much. I saw that. Hey. I saw that something similar on Zillow the other day, looking at a house, the description was, here it is, parentheses are for suggested edits, and bold is for suggested cuts. And then it was just, then the rest of the script,

yeah, just clearly ripped exactly from the email. That's very funny. Yeah. So that version of that, yeah, either like, so it says like, my first message to somebody named Lindsey would be like, hey, I'm here, thanks so much for the check, I got it, for the $5,000, here's three opening lines, hey Lindsey, how it's going, hey, how's it going,

hey, we should date sometimes, and what's your teal flag? For three more, please Venmo me another $180,000. And then you write unsend, unsend. Oh, unsend is also a pretty solid first message because they would only see unsent. And it's like- Oh, so you sent it and it just, in parentheses, it says unsent message.

Yeah, yeah, that's good. It's like, what did it say? This is, do you remember? I think I talked about this on the podcast before, but when I was single, I would sometimes just open up like random messages and start typing and then stop in hopes that somebody was like looking at my message and they'd see the three dots.

Yeah, I'm sure that always worked. Yeah, definitely. I was staring at our conversation and the three dots popped up and went away. Wondering if I should text you. I was looking at our text thread, wondering if I should text you. When I saw three dots, then they stopped

and I had to reach out. Just, it could do like the, just warning you, I am a bot and I'm using this account to grow my Instagram followers. I'm at 12 so far, but it's going pretty well for me. Something like that. Yeah. The self-deprecating route.

One that I did often use was, if somebody's name was spelled two different ways, being like, hey Sarah, don't you hate Sarah's? Like one with an H, one without an H. You usually have some sort of built in resentment for people who have their names spelled in a different way. I remember that one actually. Did it usually work?

No, never worked. What else? No, never were. What else? Parentheses unsend dick pic, parentheses shit, that was my dad, parentheses what's your teal flag, parentheses. What's your teal flag is perfect. I think we ultimately landed on, and I think we were inspired by my shirt, which I don't know if you watch on YouTube, it kind of looks like a teal flag.

Right. I have my own teal flag. What is your teal flag? Yeah. Cause that just instantly My teal flag is that I didn't win my fantasy team, but I won the loser's bracket. There doesn't get a flag tealer than that.

A flag so teal. A flag so genteel, it means nothing. Yeah, it is. Your teal flag is nothing. What's the most nothing? What's the most innocuous thing about you? The most neither good nor bad fact about me. I had clear braces.

Yeah, that's perfect. Like even that like indicates some level of upper middle class that I have teal braces. What do you mean? Clear brace. What is clear? Like you had clear brackets. That is metal. Like yeah, we like upgraded to the. Oh, there's no metal. No metal, oh, clear. There's no metal. No metal.

That's cool. That's very cool. Didn't help that much because it was still, you know, chunky white metal and steel. Uh-huh, yeah, not perfect. What's my teal flag? What if the opening message is just, can I buy you a new pair of headphones?

Or do you need a new pair of headphones? Instantly enter into a sugar father relationship. I'm looking to be fin dominated. Can I send you a $300 Bose gift card? What's your address? Okay, so you just, you write a counting number and then eight numbers and routing, and then you write nine numbers or whatever.

If you send that, you say, "'Shit, that was a copy and paste thing, but relationships are built on trust, so how's it going with the little sweaty emoji? You can even lean into it, be like, here's my account number, here's my routing number, here's my social security number. My life is an open book.

I need to trust you implicitly if this is gonna work out at all. So go ahead and either steal my identity or go out with me. Either way, you have all the information now. By the way, good luck getting anything because I've messaged this to several other women and I've been bled dry. I'm liquidated.

Oh, and my teal flag is that I didn't eat sushi until I was 25. All right, a lot of options there. Yeah, some really good options. If you use any of them, and they either worked really well or poorly. Yeah, please let us know. Tweet at us, DM us, put it on Instagram,

put it on our subreddit. We need to see how we did. Yeah. And for more of us, you can watch our Patreon, patreon.com slash J.A. We're watching Jake and Amir episodes, live commentary on nearly every single one at this point. Yeah, last week we watched one that I loved.

I forget what it was already. Do you remember which one we watched last week? No, I remember there was one episode where we were crying laughing, you liked it so much. And then the next episode we had our head in our hands because we were so ashamed to share it. I think that was the guitar hero video. I remember those ones more than the guitar.

Yeah, the guitar hero video is so, oh God, it was awful. Yeah, there's some high quality episodes coming out right now. Some hangers and bangers. So check that out at patreon.com slash ja. Thank you for listening. Thank you for watching.

Hit us with your segment ideas. Obviously we like using them. If you're watching on YouTube, you can leave it as a comment below. And hopefully if it inspires us to either use it or maybe do some sort of version of it. I would say we should go out with the national anthem that we wrote and recorded,

but we don't have a high-res version of it. Maybe we can record it this week and then we can play it the following. Yeah, at the top of next episode. I've seen this land. Perfect. Bye everybody. That was a Hidgum Original.