If I Were You - 28: The Easter Bunny

Episode Date: October 15, 2013

In this episode we discuss MILFs, ugly ducklings, and Amir's grammar.This BONUS Thursday episode is made possible thanks to LegalZoom: Online legal services, made easy! Check out LegalZoom.com and use either coupon code "Jake" or "Amir" for a discount.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

Bonus Thursday episode do da do da Hi, I'm James. I play a mirror on the podcast and I'm Robert. I play Jake and this bonus Thursday episode is brought to you by Legal zoom wait. Let me say it legal zoom legal zoom legal zoom dot com What do they do? They help you start your own business. They sure do. You know, we recently started an LLC We formed a limited liability corporation and it's hard. It is really hard legal zoom.com makes it easy and They're not not a law firm, but they at least help you steer you in the right direction. That's right So it's it's it's affordable and it's simple It simplifies doing the difficult things like forming an LLC

Trademark stuff wills even if you want patents. Yeah, basically anything that's difficult to do legal zoom.com helps you out Yeah, and it's the best time ever to start your business right now. Why? Because the economy is picking back up. Well on Thursday. It's the best time. Yeah. Oh, you silly now is always the best time There's always no better time than now. You're squeezing my thigh Well, not now now after you're done listening to the podcast Yeah, but then go straight to legal zoom.com and if you want an extra discount You can use coupon code Amir or Jake. Are you happy with that one? I really am back and forth with them I really appreciate it. They were able to get your little coupon code. I got my lawyer on the horn

So if you're thinking about starting a business or doing anything business related check out legal zoom.com and use coupon code Amir or Jake And thanks so much for listening everyone. Enjoy the episode U.P. If I were you show that gmail.com Whoa It was like a nice kids song that turned into a real weird creepy kids song at the end Is it weird that I want that to be my wedding song? Yeah, okay Does it sound like a Rafi song? No, it sounds like a

Lovely bright eye song or something to me. It was like Rafi and then at the end he like whispers kill your parents Isn't it Rafi Rafi Rafi? I don't know. I think it's like the difference of saying well I guess it's a name so no, however, he said But I thought it was like aunt and aunt. There's two. There's no real right way. Yeah, come on Rafi There's Rafi and a Rafi version of your name Rafi Rafi would never ever correct I'm a little child That right after he told him to kill her is her her parents. Well, no Rafi wouldn't do that. That's this guy I see well your wedding singer

That is our time. Thank you so much for checking in. This is a super secret short episode Thank you Hulu plus No, this one's by legal zoom. Oh, thank you legal zoom Yeah Anyway, this is if I were you the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us I'm a mirror and I'm Josh. No, you want to use your stage name trying it on for size there You can be a Josh, right? Yeah, Jake. I'm Jake or Josh. Whatever, you know, whatever is actually cooler now that I think about it It might be Josh. I'm down for whatever's the cool one. It's definitely not Josh

It's actually the way I'm using it. Hey Josh. Nice to meet you. Hey, I'm uh, I'm Josh We've upgraded my towel fort. It's now a Sound padding fort. We got a falcon or Chris Hahn from our office gave us this sound padding thing And we've fashioned it around my table in a semi circle and hopefully it sounds better than the towels When you say fashioned it sounds like we actually built something we just put it down on the table We didn't even tape it you you put up a VHS tape to sort of stabilize it But then we realized we didn't need it. So the VHS tape is just sitting here. I draped another piece over the TV I'll take a picture and put it on my Instagram. Actually, you should follow me on Instagram. This is the saddest display

Isn't it nice to have like all I think it'd be cool to follow Amir Blumentfeld on Instagram. All right, that's our time We don't need to talk to you follow me on Instagram. Yo, my name is Josh Hurwitz I got at Josh Can you believe it? Oh my god, I love it. I'm that early of an adopter So how does this work people email us in if they find themselves in difficult places and we do our best to offer our Sometimes terrible, but sometimes not bad advice. Yeah, sometimes sometimes You know, it's a weird thing that you said email us in and I think we say it every single time

What I think I don't think that's a real thing Email everybody emails us in what isn't it emails us email us in yeah, I think so like email Now that you say it it sounds it sounds so weird email email in email into us email us email us in Email in us Email us in don't email in us. We're we're not on the pill. We're not in us in So talking us to in us us in email in This we've really gone out the deep end already. Well, you can email us in or out to if I were you show at gmail.com we read every single email and

We go through the ones that will you we think will be the most entertaining for the show Let's just I'm not even gonna sugarcoat it. A lot of them are just boring normal questions Of placating you you listeners You don't deserve it. You don't deserve anything except for one and occasionally two episodes a week Thanks to legal zoom. All right ready. Yeah, let's dive right in we're gonna read these real emails But give them fake names to preserve their anonymity And we'll say this one comes from someone all name Peyton Manning Peyton Manning Peyton Manning himself writes Hey guys, I've got a conundrum for you, too

I've been with my girlfriend now for two years and everything is going great And there are no problems between the two of us and I want to stay with her but she has a really hot mom She doesn't live at home anymore, so I don't see her mom a whole lot But when I do I really just want to bang her I don't want to break up with my girlfriend But I also want to have sex with her mom. I can't help the feelings I'm getting for her but who's to say she would even want to have sex with me Should I talk to my girlfriend's mom about this or should I just try to forget the whole thing? Don't limit your advice to those two choices any advice about the situation would be a big help. Oh mercy. What a problem

Thanks Peyton Manning. Wow I Like that he's afraid to give us a multiple choice question because I because I berated the other version Yeah, you scared our audience into the right way So don't talk to her. That's a bad idea talk to her about that Do you think that there's like I mean there's no chance that you're gonna sleep with your girlfriend's mom? That's That's just a porn site. Yeah, it's called my girlfriends mom calm really I really think that that's a porn sounds like a specific type of milk porn. Yeah, well, it's where I

Mean, I've never seen it. Well, you want to tell your mom to turn it down mom mommy Podcast mama this is Joshy Reporting live is baby Joshy telling you to turn down the podcast mama. I'm gonna talk about fucking other moms It's like they it's like a boyfriend and girlfriend are like having sex and then a mom comes in and she's like horrified But she's like oh you're doing it wrong and then it always turns into a threesome or a threesome with a daughter Yeah, yeah, it's pretty depraved. It's not rule. It's not really their daughter. No, it is. No, I think so Yeah, that's the one I saw was real wrestling's real, too

Damn it, and hey, and hey, we're all gonna go to heaven when we die, right? There's things that we lie to people about okay to make the world seem a little bit more tolerable The world seems more tolerable if a mom can fuck her daughter. Tell you what man the bang bus They're not picking up strangers wrestling. Yeah, it's all pre-planned out. It's fake and I know it's fake We're like triple H is real Like his storyline is when I found out when I found out the tooth fairy when I found out the Easter Bunny wasn't real which was Two and a half weeks ago I

Was like I don't know how old I was but like my mom was yelling at my sister She's like I have to take you to school have to take Jake to soccer And I haven't because I haven't gone to the store to get Easter presents for them Like Easter eggs for tomorrow and I just realized I was in the back of the car and she turned around She's like, you know the Easter Bunny isn't real, right? And I was like, yeah, yeah I know I was like but I was shaking to the core and then later on I was like talking to my mom or second my sister's like Yeah, I know the Easter Bunny is real bug Santa's real I Get it. It's your bunny tooth fairy bullshit

Santa's legit like no bunny's gonna walk around with eggs or whatever like hippity hoppity like that doesn't happen Y'all got me The deal with the flying reindeer Where do we land on that was a story there cuz I still very much believe in him And furthermore, I very much so want to believe if that makes sense Earlier today in the car where the Easter Bunny bomb was dropped That was not okay. I think I think I went into shock and I played it cool But you got to understand I'm having a goddamn panic attack like what else are you lying to me about a school like legit

Do I still have to do that or is that just like a like a shit you do to six year old dad's definitely My bud He's my best buddy. He's not faking it, right? He's not faking it to be like I don't trust you Oh Why what don't you get mom everything is changed so you told me there's a fairy that likes my teeth a Bunny that breaks into the house and puts eggs around Bunnies don't lay eggs, right? And I'm just why does the bunny have eggs and why does the lady want my teeth?

What is she doing with my teeth? And we're the fuck to that cut where we're talking about this guy's mom He's got this guy's mother-in-law that he wants to bone. Oh, yeah You should feel happy knowing that your girlfriend is going to grow up to probably look like a little bit like her mom You know, oh, it's hot when she grows up So maybe you just wait it out You'll be fucking that mom when she's your mother's or your children's mother when yeah You'll be fucking that mom when she's your wife. Yeah, and then you can say yeah, and then you'll be a mother

Yeah, and then you can oh, oh, oh suddenly you have the hots for a grandma It's getting hot. Whoa, you kinky little piece of shit. Oh my god. Are you into gilf born? What is it? Would you what was the foreign site with my mom? Yeah, check out my girlfriends grandma com It's when the mom and the girl are fucking you and then the grandma walks in and she's like mortified But kind of a little bit curious a little curious little bi curious. Is there gilf porn? Pro, oh, no, I'm not saying probably

I'm just like distracted a little bit because I'm trying to go to my girlfriend's mom on my phone right now But there's definitely gilf porn for sure. You've seen porn of like 60 70 80 year olds I haven't clicked on it But I know that it exists because I see the thumbnails and I scrub I look through the I look through a little bit Just to see what's up. I wonder how that works like are there 60 year olds who are Getting into porn for the first time or are they just porn stars that grew up? Um, I don't think any of these 60 year olds are wherever stars of the industry but I

Think there's just like these people need money. They look there's like ads that are like we need 60 year olds to bone Yeah, yeah, we want to fuck us. We want to fuck a grandma I guess if there was like a 35 year old porn star in the 70s, she would now be 60 to 70 years old Yeah, but I think you I mean I just imagine like 30 years in that industry. You probably get a little worn out Well, I'm not saying she's in the industry the whole time she can hop in and out You know become like something else for a little while and dip her toes back in the pool Yeah, I guess I guess you're right either way. Fuck your grandmother. Wait, where were how did that?

How did that advice start? What are we telling him to do? We're telling him not to talk to his mom or his girlfriend's mom about this. You should even talk to you Don't talk to anyone about yeah Even emailed us in said anything you emailed us in Yeah, no, don't Don't do anything about this your girlfriend's gonna turn into a milf. It's gonna be beautiful You won the lottery like so they say when you have a girl your series about you meet her mom You just gotta check out the mom just be like, okay, that's what she's gonna look like ish

You know check out the mom and the dad. She's got those good jeans You know pretty like a pretty pretty cool stone fox. Yeah, I know I want to look like my mom when I grow up I want to be I want to look I want to be a mom when I grow up Or what what I would be a dad, right? What did what do you mean, right? Say what you think is gonna happen. I get to choose at a certain age I used to think that too. What I would you tell stories like a long time ago when I was a girl What I thought that I was a girl when I was little I mean this is when I was like four years old I was like I was a girl once and now I'm a boy because I chose to be a boy, right?

That was a weird kid That's not weird. That's just dumb Yeah, you weren't a weird kid. You're a dumb kid. Sure Jakey Jakey's weird. Yeah, he doesn't know math or reading. He's kind of a weird Quirky little boy. Yeah, he doesn't get anything And the Easter Bunny King Easter Bunny two fairies Santa Claus. What are the other ones? Any other things that I get presents for or money or candy because I'm kind of a weird kid and I want to know everything now right away

All right, good advice. Don't fuck your girlfriend's mom Like you could anyway. Oh, come on. I'm serious. No challenge. Yeah, you know what fuck it go for it. Yeah Please that's insane. Have that talk with her. Have that talk with her see what happens. Oh my god. He did it. Oh No, holy shit. All right next question. Yeah This one comes from We'll call her Wes Welker Westsy West West Westina. Yeah, like Jess Welker. Yeah. All right a few months ago

I started banging the brother of one of my best friends interestingly enough He happens to also have a brain tumor and some fairly serious medical health problems on top of being a giant unrelenting prick The thing is he's amazing in bed He is into some awesome kinky shit that I probably will never experience again We have kind of an acquaintances with benefits set up right now But I'm starting to wonder if all the complications are worth it I feel like I have to check in I have to check on him all the time just to make sure he's okay And I can barely stand having a conversation with him because he's so rude and obnoxious. I'm also concerned with my friend

I'm sorry. I'm also concerned my friend will find out somehow and murder me. I Know guys date crazy girls all the time if they've got enough going on for them in the bedroom department But where exactly is the line? Thanks the lines at brain tumor medical health issues and Giant unrelenting prick. I think I came with shoes able to distance those two things from the sex so easily Yeah, I mean I don't think I've ever had sex so good that I would like hang out with an awful person But it's yeah, like usually those two things are somewhat related like if you hate someone you can't like get turned on by them Well, I can get turned on by people. I hate I understand that have ever slept with someone that was so fucking annoying that you really hated them

Yeah, like imagine the most annoying girl and she's just like awful and rude and mean right if she was hot enough You would still sleep with her. Yeah, I Wouldn't continue sleeping with her, but you'd sleep with her once yeah to sort of like yeah You'd you treat it as like this is my way of getting back at her right like I deal with you all the time And guess what now I'm gonna now I'm gonna stab you with my penis now. You're gonna deal with me You're dealing with me Oh me turn it back up now mom How is she able to hear that mama the dish is clean I touched the net

I Think that you can't What a sad thing to grunt during sex Me this is about me Me all night was about you and now it's about me I think someone would tell you to stop I went on a date with you. I took you out that was for you And this is for me. Yeah a lot of the time just like quietly stewing Well, like when somebody really makes me mad it was like just being annoying or mean to me. I'm just like, all right

Yeah, you're winning now, but uh, this is the battle And I will fuck you now And that will have me the ultimate the ultimate win here the ultimate w I will conquer this That's a terrible way to think about it. I'm unhealthy Newsflash asshole Jesus crap. Yeah, I got a bad value system Uh, yeah, no respect for anyone sure including yourself least of all myself But uh, oh, I just put myself in front of other people yet again

I feel sorry is for myself yet. I hurt other people and destroy their lives. How is that fair? I'll tell you how it's fair because I don't give a fuck whether it's fair or not I lie to myself so often. I don't even know the truth I Got a snake tongue. I really do. I think I have a I think I have a slithering snake tongue I think I'm a serpent with a bad attitude with a goddamn forked tongue. I really Yeah, it is. Yeah, Jesus. Did you do that to yourself? No. Oh my god It happened I looked in the mirror one day and I blinked sideways and I was like am I turning into the fucking snake that I am

And I took out my tongue and I was like I swear to god. I think I nut venom. I really do. I think I nut poisonous venom This is like some sort of modern adaptation of the metamorphosis Where an asshole becomes an actual snake. Yep, that's me. Actually, that'd be a really nice short film I'd love to write it with you and co-produce or co-ep and I'd love to fuck the ad on set Well, we don't even know who the ad I'll cast her You'll gas I'll cast an assistant director. Well, she I fuck her in the movie If you can imagine about you as an actor documentary about us making the short film, but I'm fucking the ad

Jesus non-simulated brown bunny blowjob style. I do want to cast Chloe Zavigny Chloe Zavigny Um Once again, I've forgotten the question. Uh, should this girl keep on fucking the guy with the brain tumor and How do you like have a how do you have like such a Serious medical condition like that like that usually makes people more down to earth or like appreciate life or something No, no, he's like down to do some kinky ass weird shit. It's so strange to be like to have that kind of like issue Um, and then like also be sort of unsympathetic because to be such a dick

What do you think this thing is that this brain tumor guy is willing to do that? Nobody else is willing to do the kinky shit. I don't know because like you Probably doodoo dee dee peepie poo poo. What do you think unless he's like shitting on you or something You can probably find anybody that's into some kinky shit like that you are into Yeah Without this guy's the only guy in the world into kinky shit or the only guy with the tumor Maybe there's like another guy with a tumor that's not it doesn't have such a bad attitude. Maybe. Yeah, maybe it is the tumor Maybe she's just like, oh, oh, Jesus Christ. I want to talk about

Yeah, um If it's butt play rough sex choking, I don't know that sounds like some pretty standard kink stuff Maybe it's feet. Does she like feet? Yeah, but if it's like crazy shit, maybe she should stick with him because odds are She's not going to find another guy asshole or otherwise. That's not true. I think I think if it's if it's really crazy Like go online and like find some kind of weird Not weird. Hey, you're not weird. Yeah, everyone's normal. She's just uh, she's a strange motherfucker. She's a weirdo You like to be punched in the eyes during sex The left eye specifically not and not like punched near the eye. I need like a girl with the smallest fist

And then when I open my eye really really watch To be able to punch my eye like a kid hitting a beach ball I really do think it's one thing to like fuck someone you're not crazy about But it's another like continue a relationship with him if you really can't stand him And also if it's gonna ruin a friendship because your friend is definitely a hundred percent Going to find out if you keep doing it. She's probably gonna find out now. Anyway. Yeah But at least at the very least if you don't want her to find out I would stop Although if this brain tumor thing is like for serious

Maybe he's like doesn't have a lot of time on earth He might as well bang the shit out of him while you still can and then when he goes away It could be a little secret between you two goes away. Yeah, why don't you say what's gonna happen? He's gonna die of brain cancer. All right. How's that? Is that real enough for you? It hurts I wish you didn't say that at least it's the goddamn truth And then at the funeral you can have your own little special moment to yourself between you and uh The spirit of this crazy person who really I assume Shit in your shit on your face. Here's what you do. You make a you make a clay mold of his penis. All right

I'm serious. You like that d if you like that d You can get uh, you can get a you can get a wax cast of that pain I really think you can turn it into what it does a dildo. Yeah, I You wanted to do that. No, really. That's your advice. My advice is to turn his penis into a dildo. Yeah. Yeah, all right Okay, so let it be known Uh, Jake's advice is to turn his dick into a dildo. That's what's up, which is your advice literally every other question on this podcast Yeah, I'm just saying you do you make his penis dild Turn his pee into a d

Yo, do you? Uh, should we take a break now or do one more question? Let's take that break. I really need it. Really? No, let's do one more question. Well, this would be sort of the halfway point We're like at the 23 minute mark. Hmm. Or do you want to we usually take the break like, uh, uh towards the three-quarter mark Yeah, let's take the break after this. All right. So this is kind of fun. We got an audio question We like when you guys submit recordings of yourself so we can hear hear your sweet sweet voices Instead of me struggling to read your email. Yeah, and uh, we'll we'll call this one Uh, this one was from a lady a lady actually named julius thomas julia. Yeah, julia thomas. All right, julia thomas says

Hey, jake and amir. I really love the show. It's so so so good and it makes me laugh all the time my question is How do I get the right kind of guys to like me because I'm a sophomore in high school and I haven't had a real relationship and I'm really really lonely and I just want Someone to tell me that I'm pretty Or just to be there for me and hold those normal Chicky girl emotions that I despise But I still feel

So, yeah, that's my question You loser What Barf if you haven't met anybody now then then you're done check out buy a cat. Yo, you're an old maid It's not gonna happen. All right. You're 15. You've never been in love. Uh ugly ducklings don't become beautiful swans That's a fairytale sweetheart swans. Yeah Ugly swans who are gonna die alone. Understand that Oh, I want someone to hold me and tell me I'm pretty. How about this?

Someone's never gonna hold you and you're ugly. Oh my god. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry You uh, you went off into a weird place and you said that like someone else you were residing someone else screaming that at you my parents Oh, come on. You're beautiful. You're a sweetheart. You're pretty and we were uh, I have a pretty voice. Yeah Uh, she was a sophomore never mind. She sounded Nice. She sounded cool Holy shit I think the the thing we were trying to get at is by h15. No one's had an amazing relationship yet

Yeah, I'm a sophomore in high school and I haven't had a real relationship. Yeah Yes, enjoy the next 10 years of not having a real relationship You know what? I'm 30 and no one's ever held me or told me that I was pretty. So uh, yeah It takes a little while sweetheart. You gotta find a guy with a brain tumor. I'm serious I gotta fucking change your world. Uh, you know, you I oh jeez. Uh, you first of all You are beautiful. You're great. You're the best and just because nobody is like in a relationship with you right now It doesn't mean that you're not awesome. Yeah It's the problem is you're hanging out with 15 year old boys who are I think at age 15 the worst people ever

Right, the problem. I mean, I never got better. But yeah, that's that's when the peak of awfulness 15 year olds are like Half half adult half children greasy zombie men So I think the trick is to just like yourself without needing anybody else for validation And then people are gonna like you because you're a cool confident person. Yeah, you can also get validation from non dudes Like uh, your friends or your family. Yeah, or two Nerdy Jew guys on a podcast Not necessarily us because we don't like you but I'm sure uh, you can find another podcast You know, the saddest thing in the world is if she just started crying and turned the podcast off before we got it

We stopped doing the bit. They're right No one's ever gonna hold you unplug Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit A guy asks her out for her self-esteem is too low to To say yes. Yeah, you have a long life ahead of you people are gonna ask you out. It's gonna be great Yeah, 15 year olds don't ask people out. That's not how it works now I mean, I wasn't in a real relationship until I was 20 not or how old am I now 30 30? So it's gonna be like in two years. Hopefully. Yeah, I can't wait. It's someone's gonna hold me shit. Yeah

That's gonna. Oh, you're beautiful at night. I like I squeeze myself and I tell myself that I'm pretty And I'm starting to not be able to believe myself anymore But I wouldn't because I can't what I when I came in today Actually, you were ringing out your pillowcase because it was soaked with tears It filled up a glass it filled up a pint glass to the middle chugged it. You said these are my tears I want them in me. I was so appalled They go back from once that they came I never cried see

See all the salt water still back in my blood That means I was never sad Oh my god, you're still crying as you're doing it though All right. Now now it's definitely break time break This show is sponsored by better help. Thank you better help if you're finding yourself in a difficult anxious stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place and it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist

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So the prices are already affordable because you're not paying rent for a building somewhere that you have to drive to and wait In a waiting room. This is done entirely online, but you're still getting professional licensed help And it's extra affordable. That's better help H-e-l-p.com slash if I were you check them out. Thanks better help Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Wow For years and years and years we've been ranting and raving about Squarespace because it's the best way For dummies like me and potentially you that don't necessarily know how to code or design To create a professional looking website

So if you're building an online portfolio for yourself or a loved one or you want to sell stuff online You can do an online store. They have 24 7 live customer support email campaigns Data you can even purchase a domain name through Squarespace For example, I didn't even look this up But there's no way you can't buy a mere blumenfeld is a good dude.com I bet that's available and you can have it today and you can buy it through Squarespace and build an awesome website dedicated to me Or I guess dedicated to anyone else in your life

Maybe you want to give somebody a gift this season a summer birthday coming up. Who doesn't want a website So the best way to do that is to go to squarespace.com Slash if I were you for a free trial and when you're ready to launch just use that offer code If I were you to save 10 off your first purchase of a website or domain again Squarespace.com slash if I were you free trial everything looks good. Let's launch it Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10 off that first purchase. Thank you Squarespace You know what I wanted to do was start thanking people that leave iTunes reviews Because you know what I wanted to do was take a nice little breather and I don't understand how this is a break

Holy shit because you're about to because you're about to make it about some fucking podcast shit So what the break can't involve Me thanking people Okay You're mad at me. I'm pissed. You're mad at me. Not at you at the world because of what I hate myself Sure. All right. I would hate you too. If I were you I woke up Yeah, I'm trapped in my own body and uh, I'm gonna go to bed a prisoner to myself again So I can't thank these people you can I'm just gonna be pissed, but just know I would have been pissed

Even if we stopped you made me a smoothie and gave me a back row, but I think I would be angry I'm not gonna do that. Okay That might make me feel better Uh, so the last we're I feel like we should start thanking people that leave iTunes reviews because it it helps out the podcast So, you know help you help us help you. So thank you Ray Barton Lagga man 290 tz Kingsley and Sophia Pandy And uh, if you want to leave a review, we'll try to thank you in the next episode too. Y'all are the best It helped I don't know why but iTunes, uh aggregates their or like ranks podcasts and one of the factors is reviews

Yeah, and we really really really really really want to be adam karola. What I'm serious, man Adam karola's got a super successful comedy podcast. Yeah, I want to take that in great down Why don't we Why don't you set your sights on something close like we're so far behind him? Yeah, I really think we're gonna pass adam karola I don't think so. He's 10x. Uh, what we do audience wise, uh, even if every single listener leaves you sandy pandy Keep those reviews coming I'm serious But just listen to the podcast also helps don't think that we're pissed at other people

No, no, no, if you ain't leave a review get off Get off our shit. I'm serious. That's the literally the least you can do it. Yep sign into itunes Find our podcast somehow in the store and then leave a positive review And don't don't leave that four star shit. Yeah, that's gonna mess with our rating because we because we yelled at you You're gonna leave a four star review That's not all right dicks Did you want to talk about anything else on our break? Um, I don't know. It's not really Uh, this is coming this is coming out tomorrow. Yeah thursday. Oh cool. So if you guys are

Come to comic con. Oh, yeah, we're gonna be doing a live podcast taping at comic con with pete homes I wonder if pete knows about it yet. Oh, you know what else we could do is talk about the uh The live tour that we're going on in november That's true, but I don't know how to tell people to find out about that All right We got an exciting announcement coming up not yet though Or maybe yet and go to our jacadamere.com site and it'll tell you all about it. This is the worst promotion for this tour ever You guys sold uh

Three tickets yesterday I guess people were confused about whether it was real didn't know whether to go to buy a ticket And then you told them to go to a url that uh, didn't promote the ticket more to come soon. All right Google it. It's not that hard google jacadamere and then your city name and if we're going to you then hey, it'll pop up It's not so well fair You guys have to do the heavy lifting All right, should we uh, should we take it home? Let's bring it home Let's get to one more or maybe two more questions

Or duomas. All right ready y'all Hey, dudes. Oh wait, who's this coming from? um Oh, oh, oh eric decker. Oh nice. Thank you nailed it. He's a good-looking guy. Yeah, shit From eric decker writes so i'm 17 living in the uk and i'm pretty confident that my girlfriend has me completely whipped It's just that no matter what we are doing She always seems to be in absolute control and could pretty much make me do whatever the fuck she wants It's not that i resent her for it or anything

It's just that i hate the fact that my friends and even some of her friends now are picking up on the fact that i'm a Bit of a bitch and a pussy when i'm in this relationship. Does this make me weak? I really don't want to lose her but i hate being whipped Any advice on how i can turn the tables and make her the pussy in this relationship? Love eric decker. I was I was so with you until until the end When you don't want equality you want you want the top spot You little shit

Well, he wants the top spot for as long as he's been the bitch and the pussy then we can call it even you're like a super villain You want you're like you want equity you want vengeance? You're like some nerdy little nether scientist who's been wronged and like you feel slighted your whole life Then you somehow you're like oh wait a second. I want to i want to hurt everyone I want the powerful spot. No, it's not about that. You can also see him getting angry through the course of the email He's like i'm kind of pussy whipped i don't i don't really hate it But i kind of kind of pisses me off how much her friends and my friends give me shit about it How do i make her the pussy? I really hate being the pussy. What you said you didn't mind it

But by the end you said you hated being the pussy. I really think he's just oh my god You uh, there's so much resentment here. I think wasn't it m&m that said i'd rather be a Pussy whipped bitch eat pussy than have pussy licked with a clit ring in my nose What? I'd rather be a pussy whipped bitch. Wrap it like he did I'd rather be a pussy whipped bitch eat pussy than have pussy licked with a clit ring in my nose Quit ringing my flows if y'all leave me alone. You wouldn't say what i told I wouldn't have to go any meanie mindy moe

I'm some shady as i'm the real shady all you other slim shadies are just imitating Uh, is that from what song is that from? I don't know Grab a home by its toe. Oh, there's really nothing left to say. I can't explain it. I think my dad's gone crazy What is is Haley in that song? Yeah, she sings. I think my dad's gone crazy. You don't know that song. No, really I mean, you know every m&m song I feel like actually you're you are racist because you like rap But the only rappers who like our m&m and Macklemore we're talking about this guy being a pussy whip. Let me see your phone

Not a single black artist Holy shit your your wallpaper is Himmler Jazz but you got Kenny G Kenny G the Macklemore of jazz So inspirational Yeah, you should listen to my dad's gone crazy. Okay That's our advice to you man You're gonna be a pussy. You really are

So first of all, you never flip this once you're once you're in the less dominant position You're never gonna become the more the more dominant one. That's not necessarily true. You can't flip it entirely You can't flip it. You can't off flip it. You can't flip the trick is to stop caring about your girlfriends Suddenly by proxy by default you have the upper hand right now. You're like you like her a lot You love her so like she says, oh, let's go here. You're like, yes, of course I want I want you to be happy. Yeah, so you're never gonna be able to be like no I don't want to do that because you like her too much right the trick is you need to start Cheating on her emotionally and physically grow a little distant start resenting her

You say you don't resent her. Why don't you start resenting her a little bit? That's gonna bring you further apart from her You're not gonna give a fuck about her anymore. Then she says, hey, let's do this and you're like, you know what? No, I don't really feel like it and then she's like, excuse me and then all of a sudden Guess what buddy? You're in the top spot. Your top dog problem is now you want out of the relationship Oh, the only it real issue is that once you want out of the relationships You don't care what their her friends and your friends start saying about it anymore So you're sort of an ear's caught in between

Being a pussy and not giving a shit you got to be single dog I swear you got to be single man We'll hit the town you wing for me. I wing for you. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, people think that being single is lonely, but it's not I'm with a different girl every night And I'm just emotionally fulfilled Uh, maybe I wake up alone, but I don't go to bed alone I'm alone with my thoughts at night after the bitch is falling asleep But it's like whatever I don't give a fuck because my thoughts are just about suicide. I can get past that

What? um I will say if you break up with your girlfriend. I would love to meet her I just think I I think I can find my soulmate and I think she's gonna fix me And I think she's a 17 year old in the uk if she's hot enough to date eric decker. She's definitely dtf for me ed I know I really do think that um you Just that you can find equality

You just that maybe have like an honest conversation with your girlfriend And if it keeps up then just break up with her because it's not worth like feeling so insecure and feeling Like uh, you know look down upon by your friends. I feel like I know more relationships where the woman is the dominant one I don't know a lot where the guy is Yeah, me either, but but that's just because we're friends with a lot of uh Pussy loser dudes. I'm poo nannies. We're not friends with eric decker. I bet eric decker and his relationship

Doesn't treat his girlfriend with any respect Coolest guy in the world and he catches tds on sunday and catches tds on sunday and stds on saturday Hi, i'm eric decker uh Yeah, no you I don't know my advice is to talk to your girlfriend Yes, or what if you don't have an outright conversation about it because that'll piss her off What if you just start putting your foot down every other time?

So she's like turn off the tv or let's go here, or you have to do this So you'll say yes a little bit, but then throw in some no's Suddenly you're not saying yes, yes, yes, yes, yes Yes, you're saying yes, yes, yes Yes, no yes, and then it's yes, yes, no, no, yes, and then it's yes. No, no, no, yes And before you know it, it's yes. No, no, no, no, and then you're saying no. No no. No, no See that doesn't sound like a good relationship. That's not fun. No, you're fucking her. That's it. That's you fucking her no, no, me, no me, me!

No, but see how bad that sounds to make everything about you and thing. No, just like choose your battles There there are things that you don't give a fuck about so she can have her way on that And then when you do stand up for yourself stand up for yourself pointexter. Come on pointexter Take a swing man What's that mean? Don't punch her. Don't no, no, no, no Please I'm begging you should we get one more quick question in Mm-hmm. Let's do it. Mm-hmm. Do-do-doots Okay, here we go. This one's good a good one to go out on

We'll say this one is from Demarius Thomas Hey guys, so recently I who hey guys, so I recently received a mail you want to do this Hey guys, so I recently oh, yeah So I recently received in the mail a shirt of mine that had been missing for a couple years It was an important shirt to me because it was a graphic t-shirt of a shark painting I had made when I was a little kid I quickly put together from the note that was written inside the box and my ex-girlfriend from college Who I dated for three and a half years and sent it back to me We broke up a couple of years ago and since then I've gotten married and had a baby in the note

She had congratulated me for all the exciting things happening in my life But I but did not sign the note which seemed kind of strange Should I email her or write her back to say thank you for sending the shirt or should I just let bygones be bygones? Also the last time I ever saw her just so happened to be the day I met my wife So it's been a while since I've been in contact with her and I don't really think my wife would love it If I started being in contact with her, but the past aside, I do think it was a nice gesture to send me back the shirt What should I do? Demarius Thomas love Demarius Thomas. She didn't sign it, but he knew that it was from her

I guess through the return address I think he just got he said he gathered from the note, right? All right, and maybe like He just remembered the last time he had that shirt was he was with her So he's wondering whether he should thank her or not over email. I mean, it sounds pretty It's it's it's sad that she just wants closure Or she he just wants clothes sure What the hell what are you talking about he has a kid so What so yes the fucker because he has a kid um?

You do you Jesus man, jeez awful awful advice. I it sounds like you're fine You don't want any you don't want to start a relationship you don't even have to tell your wife You got the shirt back email her say thanks. I appreciate the note the end if you're in a really loving committed relationship with your wife You should have a joint email account, so she should be able to check every email that you send Yeah, you guys have a joint email you have one cell phone Yeah, I mean my girlfriend after the first week sort of required me to have a joint email joint cell phone And then she could also have her own separate shit

So she has her own little side shit going on and then we have the dual one. Yeah. Yeah, you don't have your side shit Well, I'm not allowed to have side shit just nor what I want any side shit She explains it better than me because like Should get pissed even to me talking about this way how do I make her the pussy? All right, that's it Give her the side shit my advice is to Let her know you got the shirt and say thank you, but like don't ask a question. Don't leave it open-ended Seize communication and then if she responds to that and like tries to open it back up shut it down Would you say cease the cheese? I?

Wouldn't ever say that no And I also don't think you should ever say that ever again. All right fair enough All right, I'm also for emailing her very quick Tursley. Hey got the shirt. Thank you so much At least you're not ignoring it which might make it weirder It's like I think so like if you ignore it's like it turns like a nice gesture into like some kind of weird seductive Yeah, it turns it taboo when it's not necessarily I've had that situation in like a different place where I'm like I have a girlfriend and then like an ex-girlfriend reaches out and then it's like oh god

What do I do? Do I reach out or do I not reach out like what's worse? Yeah, it doesn't mean anything to me, but at the same time. I don't want to seem like oh I'm still so affected by this ex-girlfriend that I can't reach out back to her. Yeah as soon as and as soon as you hide it It's like oh wow that makes I think I'm having an affair all the time Wait, why'd you hide this email if it was so innocuous? I don't know cuz I didn't want to have this cuz I also don't tell you when I get when I get coupon codes from j crew They're all the same to mean anything, but if it didn't mean anything then why are you hiding it? I'm not you get what I'm saying, but do you get what I'm saying? I love her. That's fair. I still love her

What's that from? I think actually it's from Thomas middle-ditch. Oh, yeah, because I loved her We should have Thomas on the show, that'd be fun Thomas if you're listening I know for a fact he's not Um Yeah, the ex-girlfriend reach out is a difficult thing. That's true. I mean I never ever I never handle it Well, whatever is the right way to do it. I don't do it that way. It's true If I ignore it It's bad if I reach out back then it's like extra bad so weird because it really does go both ways like we're if I'm

With somebody and an ex gets in touch with me. It's like yeah, fine That's nothing but then if like I'm with a girl and she's like talking to her ex. I'm like, yeah, what the fuck? What's this? Well, we're still friends like no You don't get to because the thing is I think it's because With your relationship with your ex, you know that it doesn't mean anything you're like, right? I'm totally over it. It doesn't affect me emotionally at all But then with her relationship with her ex, you don't know if that's the case. Yeah, you don't know you never know Like for me, don't be worried about my ex and future girlfriends of mine

Don't worry about my ex's contact to me worry about all the new girls that I haven't slept with That's the threat Understand like oh man like you have a connection with that person. They like they're getting in touch with you No, yeah, I I don't care I am I see people on the street that I want to fuck all the time You should be threatened by them not the girl that I've already been with and I'm not bored with right We broke up because I was tired of fucking her Everybody else, uh, you know, you were at one point new to me and her understand

I like shiny new things right my ex-girlfriend and my mom are like two girls You don't have to worry about and you do have to worry about literally every other person Oh, not her cuz she's ugly. No, no, no, you do you do She's above the ex-girlfriend just to put things in perspective for you honey. I don't care at all If if I haven't been there, then I want to try I want to go But if you even so much as have a fucking cup of coffee with your ex boyfriend, I will lose my shit Yeah, that's not fair. I guess it's cuz you just don't like not trusting yourself. Oh You're like, oh man, I mean I

I'm I could cheat on somebody so like they could cheat on me Yeah, but then it goes back to my thing of like you I'm never worried or jealous because it's like all right If you want to be with someone else go be with someone else I'm not if me stopping you is what stops that from happening then this relationship isn't very good to begin with You never ever get jealous or worry. No because it's like oh What you want to go and have a coffee with someone else? Oh, you're gonna fuck me. I know it. I have to stop it All right good. I stopped it now. We're in a committed relationship again. Thank God. I stopped it. Yeah, I guess that's I mean That's true, but I wouldn't I don't think I would ever stop it

But at least I worry at least I'm like, oh man. I hope nothing. I hope she doesn't I guess it's never I've never like caught a girlfriend being like yeah I've got like drinks with my ex-boyfriend and then like we're going out and we're going to a weekend away I'd be like that's kind of not okay. Yeah, of course. That's I mean, that's I Think I really think it's just cuz like I'm such a monster So like my girlfriend is like oh, I'm gonna go out tonight like oh well when I go out I try actively to cheat on you so I think I think you're the same bad as me but

When it should be the opposite like if you go out with those intentions You should allow your girlfriend to do the same of course war. I should never have a girlfriend But at the fact of the matter is that's not gonna happen. It's a double standard and I more than embrace it Yeah, I celebrate it. I get to do things that would piss me off. Is she ever even thought about it's one ray It's a one-ray road girl and it leads to me being depressed as shit alone and scared. Oh No, that is our show solid episode. All right cool, and we'll hang out the rest of the day Yeah, maybe I don't know I have to Meet some other friends. I sure would rather not be alone. Hmm. All right. Yeah, maybe you can find someone else to hang out with

I don't know who listen, man This is it. This is all right. I'll try to find one of the Rosenbergs, but just please don't leave me till I do At least until they text me back. I don't like being alone, right? Why do you say that so cool and confidently? Yeah, well mine. Oh, I'll be alone though. I'm protecting myself Saying it a silly voice means it's not it's true. Yep silly voices. That's why I actively hurt people before they can hurt me God you're so self-aware for someone who's so broken I think that's weird, right?

It's like you already do go to therapy, but you don't actively seek to change anything about yourself You just you fully understand what's wrong with you, right? Yeah, I can't be fixed. Yeah All right. Hey, that is our time. Thanks so much for listening everyone That oh totally forgot to mention that first theme song that I love so much isn't by Rafi It's by a guy named Lars Holy shit. Yeah, of course one of my faves and we are still accepting reviewing using your theme song submissions We haven't repeated. I guess we repeated once for the video episode But we try to keep two new theme songs for every episode that first one was from Lars and this next one is from James

James so if oh and if that that email again if you want to email us in is If I were you show at gmail.com We also have a live podcast taping coming up at NYC Comic Con So check that out and also at Little Field in Brooklyn on November 6th still tickets avail anything else. I Think the reason it's weird is because Email us in you have to say something after like email us in your theme songs email us in your questions But so you can't be like alright, so yeah, that's email email us in and we'll when I asked it for anything else I didn't mean anything else that you wanted to make fun of me about I'm not making fun of you

Yeah, sure you are sure you are. No, this is making fun of me, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I think every constructive I guess I'm I guess I'm shallow. I guess I'm petty. I guess I'm small. Yes, but you are. Yeah, that's exactly right Thank you guys. Thank everyone later If I were you this is what I would do. I would email drinking a meal Get that point of view if you've got a problem They could fix it if you're coming in now, you're right on cue cuz if I were you That's it, that's our Thursday episode. Thank you legal zoom.com for sponsoring it

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