If I Were You - 280: Broken Wiener (live in Portland!)

Episode Date: June 26, 2017

In this episode we discuss good relationships, bad shits, and ugly lovers. Recorded live at Mississippi Studios, in Portland, OR! Brought to you by Spoke.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. Yeah! Okay! Hey, hey, hey! Yes, dude! Portland, dude! Hell yeah! Hell yeah!

Wow, look at that. Oh boy. All the way up there, huh? Don't jump, man. Actually, fuck it. Really? Jump! That's crazy! Don't the shit make people want to jump! Jump, jump, jump! So offensive.

Definitely the last thing you want to hear before you kill yourself. An old Kris Kross song? Yeah. What a way to go. You guys gonna get the seats standing remotely? I love that. Just gonna get along. Because it means more cash in my pocket. Whoo! Actually, who has money to just throw at us?

Oh, God, you're small. Don't raise your hand. Don't raise your hand. Throw the money. Good man. Who snorted? We got a snorter. And a hoarder. Holy shit. You brought a bag of your own feces.

What's wrong with you? Crazy. Now I just want you to laugh and snort. I want you to snort all night long. Is that fair to say? It's a little uncomfortable. That is how it hits on people, though. So it's working? Yes, dude. Well, the reason we're here is Spoke.

I don't know if you guys know this, but Spoke is a new podcasting. Listening app from SiriusXM brought us here. So give it up for Spoke for bringing us here. If you want a better way, if you want a better way to consume audio content, download the app, create a profile, and then that's the meet and greet to hang out with us after the show, right? So people download the app, create the profile, and they can, you know, take a picture, hang out.

And you already drove here from fucking Seattle, so you can take the extra step. You know what I'm saying? Oh, your phone is out. I know it. All right. Way to go. And you can do that at herespoke.com. But for now, I don't know if everybody knows this. I assume they do because they purchased tickets to this event. Hopefully. This is a live podcast. This is a podcast.

Everybody leaves. Oh, no. We lost them. They thought it was rock and or roll music. No, it is. It is just a podcast. You guys all listen to the show. Somebody who hears never heard the show. Never heard it, right? Dragged by a friend, a loved one. Oh, you never heard of it. Hey, that's my mom's friend.

Show young. Oh, that's right. You should stand up. You should stand up because it is your mom's friend. My mom's friend and whatever I say here tonight, please do not report back to my dear, my dear, dear mother. I have a cousin from Israel up there.

I bet he's never heard the show. Gilad, have you ever heard of our podcast? Ken, Ken. No, no, no. Yeah, that's a no. It's a hard, hard no. You can get, yeah, you can get podcasts in Israel so you really have no excuse, but thank you. Do appreciate it.

And you do understand English. Oh, did you like when your little cousin suggested that one of our fans kill themselves? Don't tell my mom he's brother. This is going to be fun. If you guys don't mind, maybe we answer some questions for you guys. Maybe you guys can join in on the fun.

So why don't we take a seat, try to answer as many questions as we can get through in this sweet, sweet 75-minute ride we call life. Jump, jump, jump. Jump, jump. Tell them Bloomin' Phil make you want to jump. Oh, yeah. Hey, who bought us drinks? Ta-da. Gracias. You got a mirror the Cosmo.

Is that correct? Thank you. This is... Hey, Todd, cheers to Portland. How about it? Thank you guys for coming to the show. What is a Cosmo? It tastes like pink lemonade and vodka. That's nice. You know, I'm insulted, but I do love it.

So I can't be that mad. Actually, this is like a party in a glass. And you're saying you can get this at the club? You cannot get into a club. You waited in every club line with the Cosmo.

My my. This is real good. Add a little breast milk to this. That's a Cosmopolitan. Sorry. I said add a little cinnamon horchata milk. Cinnamon horchata? You said breast milk. You said breast milk. You said add a little breast milk to this.

I'm just saying you want a little more viscous. So you can throw a discus. I'm gonna be sick. Let's go. All right. Real questions. Real people. Gonna give them fake names to preserve their anonymity. All we need is a fake name to get it started.

The guy that, the guy that told me a whiskey said Crandis. So we gotta go Crandis. All right. This is a guy named Crandis from England. Anybody here from England? Really? You're British? Hell yeah. What?

He's a fucking spy, dude. You're a fucking spy? Yeah. Why would he be living here? Are you the guy with the dossier? You have the fucking dossier, dude. He's holding the fucking dossier. He said you have a dossier, man. Whoa, dude. You have the p-tape.

What? You were in the p-tape? It was him and a wing. You're an Indian on Donald Trump Jr. Jr. Yeah, it's a much smaller dossier. Shit. Okay.

All right. 21-year-old from England. Crandis, right. I live at home with my mom. Definitely from England. In a small house when I'm not at university. My mom and dad got divorced when I was young. So I'm used to having different men

around over the years, which is fine. We got to snort. You're snorting at the... That's just at the divorce? We should have a count. Three, so three so far. I heard one at some point before that. There's four. All right. Anyway. Oh, sorry. We got a new boyfriend and he is hashtag dope.

A legit guy and nice to my mom. Anyway, on to the problem. I am currently home from university and I keep hearing the new boyfriend giving the pork sword to my mom while I'm in my room trying to sleep.

Ha! That is sex. That is correct. Yeah. Being stabbed with a pork sword. Shut. And so is hers. But that does nothing to slow the noise. Slapping, shouting, sweating.

Screaming and creaming. He can hear the creaming? Yeah. Sometimes they go on for hours. Is he Clark Kent or is a four hour session a standard thing? It's certainly not for me, LOL. I really hate wearing earplugs

as they are very uncomfortable and I struggle to sleep with them in. But I feel like this is my only onion. It's a typo. That's good. What should I do? What should I do? Should I confront him and tell him to keep his mojo at bay while I'm at home?

Or should I ask my mom to stop being such a dick fiend? Or should I leave them do it? Be happy. She's happy. And buy some earplugs. Maybe if I keep walking in on them. What? Help me solve my problem so I can sleep

freely and seize the cheese on a daily basis. Much love, Crandis. Let's get over Crandis. Over Crandis. Interesting. Would you rather hear your mom fuck your dad or a hot new boy? Dude.

I would fucking kill to see my mother the angel that she is upgrade. My goodness. My dad is a troll. He's a bridge troll. He's a goat. My dad is a farm animal. He's a piglet. He is the hay. My dad's a trough.

What? My dad is a trough man. What's going on in the trough? That's where the animals piss and shit and sort of drink and get back and the farmer comes and his wife's not looking. So he has a quick J.O. into the trough.

A little game with the llamas, I guess. I don't know. Farmers are fucked up. So yeah. That's my father. So if my mom would... Jesus Christ. I would have her fucking have sex with the suicide guy up there. Postmortem.

Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Rock hard rig a mortis cock dog. Don't the shit make my people wanna. If we could get everybody here to chant when you do it.

You wouldn't even necessarily die. You would probably hurt a lot of these people. They would die. And like sprain a rib. Yeah, no, I would. I guess I would feel like the discomfort of earplugs is better than the

discomfort of hearing my mother get railed. Yeah. But I wonder if it's better that she's railing a boyfriend rather than a dad because you're only hearing one parent orgasm. Just fucking grab the sheets in ecstasy. Oh my god.

Health tilt back. Are you thinking about your mom right now? What? Whose mom are you thinking about? You're talking about parental orgasms. And you're so animated and happy. I just wonder whose parents you're thinking of. I'm just saying, imagine a mom's

fucking toes curled. Who's the mom that you sweat on the forehead? Vayne, this fucking Vayne. You guys know what I'm talking about. The Vayne. And it's a scratchy. She can't fucking take it. It's a scratchy voice because she's been screaming

all night long. But then, like, to imagine that's your dad, it's not as exciting. Well, no, I would love to imagine... I would like to imagine my dad had moves because then you're like, oh, I inherited those. Oh.

You know? Rather than your mom's moves. Well, I inherited my mom's moves. I inherited nothing from my father. Except your inheritance. I'm 100% Laura. You better believe that. What about your financial situation? I swear to God, I don't even know if my parents consummated the marriage.

I think I sprung from my mother's room like Jesus did. I think it was immaculate. Yeah, no. I didn't come from my dad. My mom would never fuck a... She wouldn't fuck a trough. But cash wise, I feel like a lot of it comes from your dad. Well, the money thing, yeah. The money comes from my father.

The trough of semen and shit. Semen and shit and cash. Larry, let's try to answer this guy. He said, I don't want to let you wear earplugs, which seems like fine, okay. I don't understand why he can't wear earplugs. It seems like the easiest. What about a white noise

machine? Yeah. Anybody out there rockin' like a dome? Yeah. They came for the dome. The dome's got the 11 o'clock show by the way. That's right. It's just a white noise machine with a microphone.

So you turn on the dome, and then your mom gets dome, and then you can't hear any of it. That's very good. How about a sip of the Cosmo for that, brother? Oh, wow. Hit the Cosmo, little sassy. I would do like a porn noise machine.

So then you wouldn't really know where the porn is, like where the sex noise is coming from. Because I feel like if you hear a white, what does a white noise machine sound like? Oh, fuck me, Todd! You would hear that, you know? You want a white sex noise machine. So it's white people having sex.

Fuck me, Craig. Fuck me, Craig. Go, Todd. Oh, right there, David. That's the spot, David. Oh, bathrooms and garden, David. Oh, architectural digest. Oh, they're taking house number two, David.

Oh! The split level, David. Oh, he should take the seats. Come on! All right, final answer, next question. All right, here we go. One more time for Cranes for writing. I thought that was...

Bravo, bravo. I thought that was brave of him. That was absolutely brave. I wonder where the dad is. That doesn't matter. Oh. Sorry, I was just imagining he was dead. Long time widow, first time caller.

This is from another dude. Does anybody have a dude's name? Wow. I heard one. You heard one? What did you hear? I heard one. What did you hear? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We got Snurgles out of it. Very good. Was it Snurgles? Yes! Snurgles? That guy looks like... That guy looks like he produces the white... With the U, Snurgles with the U. That guy produces the white sex noise machine.

Look at him. Snurgles! That is what you say when you come. Is that correct, sir? Good. Snurgles. Snurgles writes, I've been with my girlfriend for nearing five years now

and we're getting married at the end of summer. Good stuff. We've only had sex with each other ever until a couple weeks ago when we decided to be more open without sexuality and release all restraints. The perfect open relationship

was formed. Those are always perfect. It's been really cool and I'm super happy with where we are and where we're going. But there is... He wrote that, right? There's a popping noise.

Like a thumb coming in and out of an anus. I can't even do that again. Oh, there it is. But there's just one problem. One dude she's been seeing has been telling her he's developing feelings for her. He's kind of a douchebag and I don't see how she'd be attracted to him

in the first place. And she says she feels the same way. She said he may have a weird necklace, but to me... But to me, he's just a face to sit on. Yeah, dude. I'm the guy.

Should I be concerned that this guy's going to get weird with our super chill arrangement? Should I try to get her to stop seeing her? Him? I'm torn. Call me Dick Sandy. Love snirgles. All right, how about we give it up for snirgles?

That's also... So to him, the arrangement is super chill. Everything's good. Ideal. Except he thinks the guy fucking his fiancé is a little bit of a douchebag. Yeah, he's kind of cray cray.

And he doesn't want his fiancé to sit on his fey face. Fey, yeah. Five. Five snorts. I've never been in a situation like this, so it's tough. Can he say I changed my mind about the open relationship?

Or what if you just start amending shit so you get a veto or two? So you know how some people have a list of guys they get to bone? So this is like, these are five guys you don't get to bone. Yeah. Or you just do like a rule, like no neck lie.

Oh, that's good. You can cheat on me, but as long as they don't have jewelry. Yeah. What do you think about a leather band, though? That's hot. I get that. Real thick with a button on it.

Yeah, that's nice. The snap in kind. I'll sit on that face. If you had an open relationship, would your rule be no multiple times? No, don't tell me about it. You have to tell me about it. Nobody I know.

Nobody I don't know. Where would you lean? Don't tell me about it. And, let's go no face sitting. Wow. Is that crazy? I feel like sitting on someone's face is the most intimate thing you could do. I think that's more intimate

than like a deep, deep dicking. It really is. If you sit, if someone's tongue is in your asshole, that's like the... That's so... Pardon me, but that's so romantic. Yeah.

So, when you imagine sitting on face, it's always asshole, because I imagine Vijay, Vijay. Do you sit with your vagina forward? Yeah, so I'd be like... But I guess that's the difference between us two.

And actually, that says a lot. Yeah. That's a good way. What's that? Wait, what was your... Cosmo kickin' it? She thinks you're drunk because you're talking about you and I,

I guess sitting on each other's faces. Trust me, he's dead sober. There's no alcohol in the Cosmo. It's, I think, just a roofie. Is that correct? You're the ones that bought it. Which I gave to myself. To loosen up pre-show style. That was at two

with an espresso. Actually, we've never... We always talk about open relationships, but none of us have really been... Has anybody here been in an open relationship? Woo? Oh, it's the same girl that like wooed at the dome. I'm starting to think you don't have any of this stuff.

Are you... Are you in an open relationship? Are you in an open relationship right now? This guy wants to jump! Now you're ready to jump! Yeah, dog! By the way, this way if you can, brother. Open relationship doesn't mean

she has to fuck you. It just means she's legally allowed to. So you're currently in an open with one partner or multi? One. One... One lucky human. You and him or her, do you mind me asking?

Him. Okay, you and a him, hanging out, open relationship, you get to sleep with other people he does too? Yeah. Who do you think's winning that game? Yeah, get your numbers up! It's 43 to 2.

Are there... That's another good rule. You can hook up with someone, but then he has to match you. You can't ever be more than one partner. You always have to be ready to call her Mercy Rule. Yeah. Even a 0, 11, a 1, or 18 to 2,

the relationship's over. Yeah, you gotta bench yourself for a little bit. You've skunked him. So what's the point of having a relationship at all if you get to sleep with other people? Why don't you just not be in one? Yeah.

You thought this was a comedy show? No. Like, what's the good part of the relationship that you're still getting? Oh, it's a long disc. So you never see him. You fuck other people. So the good part about your relationship is you can fuck whoever you want,

but you also still get to talk to someone on the phone all the time? I get to Skype with him four and a half hours a day. All right, so I can fuck whoever I want. I need to keep track with two different time zones, right? That sounds convenient. Is it an LDR?

Did it start long distance? Or it started short, it went away, and then you're like, if we're gonna do this long distance thing, we're gonna fuck up with other people. The latter. Cool, so by the end of the show, everything goes well. That guy's dead, and you are broken up with your boyfriend. We're sort of doing

like a Tony Robbins thing up here. We want to help everybody. Sorry if we chose suicide for you. That's how little we think that that would help you. Dark. Yeah. How much black.

The show's death and come. You guys knew what you were coming for. So here we go. So he's torn, what should he do? I feel like he's got to embrace the open, allow the space sit, or just go back. All right, we had a little fun in games, but no more sitting on people's face. I feel like, yeah, you're right.

If you have an open relationship, you can't start making it un-chill. You know? It's got to be full chill, or just like standard rules. Yeah, what's standard? Standard rules is don't cheat on me. I don't care how cool his necklace is. Good luck, Dick Sandy. Got speed.

Spirgles? All right. Snergles. Snergles. Snergles. Snergles. All right. Snergles, yeah.

I'm sorry, we need another man's name. Wait, what was it? Harry Potter. Original. Harry Potter. You don't understand. It's spelled like H-A-I-R-Y. That would be a really great porn star's name, actually.

Because he's already like working in the dirt, because it's like a porn thing, right? So he's like digging. It's like scat porn. Yeah. So he's like putting a little rose. And then he would do like a gay thing with serious black. Yeah.

That's spelled S-E-R. Maybe we can pitch that to serious XM. Really? Yeah. Is that crazy? They're looking for branded content. Oh, the spoke executive is leaving. Oh, all right.

Fair. All right. Harry Potter. So excited. So excited for a popular film. Harry Potter hasn't had enough time in the fucking limelight. He's got to take over my show, too. Fine.

You in this round just kidding, Rowling. All right. Ready? Harry Potter. So I've been taking fiber pills. Nice, dude. Very good, man. Harry Puder.

You read the question beforehand. You wrote it. Good man. Harry Puder writes. So I've been taking fiber pills, and now my shit comes out real nice. Yeah, you've got to give it up for those people that keep it healthy, man.

All is well, except for the fact that this wet mess that comes out is rancid. So not real nice, right? Well, it slides right out. It just smells a bunch. OK. I'm talking about some serious chemical warfare type shit. I would trade...

I would take this trade of smelly instead of painful any day, but the people at work have started to more than notice the change. They've become angered by it. When I'm shitting in a stall, I can hear people mumble and disgust, and soon they all clear out of the bathroom. Fortunately, no one suspects that I am the infamous diarrhea fiend, but I'm afraid I'll be caught soon.

At lunch break, all my friends do is share who they think it is, and what they've heard, and I keep my poker face the entire time. Yesterday, someone literally looked under the stall to see what shoes I had on. Who the fuck are you? You smelly bandit. I predicted this was going to happen before,

and had been keeping my shoes out of sight the entire time. But he wouldn't leave. It was like a fucked up game of chicken. Who's going to be the first to leave or get yelled at by the line leader? Luckily, I got away with it that time, but I don't know how long I can keep this charade up. I crawled through a duct above the toilet. I would have stopped taking the pills before this all started,

but it feels so good. I don't want to go back to having shits with the coarseness of sandpaper. Also, without the pills, my dump sessions take too long, and I can't get back to my post-in time. This has been going on for two weeks, and I think I only have a few days left. Seriously, what do I fucking do?

I feel like I'm trapped in a world where the only options are pain or embarrassment. Please help ASAP. Love, Harry Puder. Harry Puder, everyone. That's fun. I like this. This is some sort of shitter mystery.

Who pooped it? What's your shit schedule like now a day? Oh, you know me, man. I'm very regular. I usually wake up around 2 a.m., explosive diarrhea, then a quick little jaunt of insane constipation around 9.30. Then I'm in the ER from around 11 to nooner, where they are extracting rock-hard,

glass-like diamond shit from my rectum. It's shiny and small. And then 4 p.m., I'm sort of just taking the liquid shit at work. Not in the bathroom, but just dragging it. You call it the hot wet. Yeah, those will cut through the concrete and the parking lot, for sure. Those are acidic. And then I'm falling asleep in a fever dream.

What time is that? Oh, that's around 2 p.m. after the acid shit starts to dissipate. Okay. No, I don't have a regular schedule. I'm just, you know, whenever the fuck I feel like it. That's really cool, dude. That's pretty chill. Are you on a sketch?

I'm on a sketch. I'm on a morning sketch. Morning sketch? Wake up shit? Wake up, have a little, have a banana. Y'all know how much I like my nanas. And then what comes out can only be described as a brown banana. You only eat banana peelin' all. That's right.

And then it comes out, as I push it in, it comes out. That's how stuffed I am. Interestingly enough, you do push it into your ass. It's the circle of life. Yeah, and then I switch it up every other week. When you push it into your ass, it comes out of my mouth. So I would say my shit schedule is every day I regurgitate a banana. But have you experienced this?

Have you experienced the stinky shit? Have you experienced the fibrous shit? Have I experienced a stinky shit? But on the rag? What a flattering question, and I appreciate that. When you have, when you know you're going to have a really smelly shit, it's a courtesy flush. There's a name for it.

You just flush the toilet as you're shitting. Yeah. You know what, I notice pretty late in life is the ones that stink the most are you look down and it didn't get all the way underwater. It's like creeping up out of the water. Like sort of a seal just coming out. I didn't want to leave you, butthole. It dives there.

Never let go. Those are the ones that smell. If it goes completely submerged, that's the water for you. It's an insulator. It keeps the stink. I feel like if you, well, this guy just needs to get ready and then like as he's shitting flush the toilet, and then the smell is taken away.

Oh, so it's just like instant going down. Yeah. What is Poo-Poo-Ree? You spray it on the toilet before you go. How do so many people know about Poo-Poo-Ree in this audience? Do they? Do they want to sponsor our podcast? You carry Poo-Poo-Ree around with you at all times?

Wait, it's just a little bottle? You just have it? It's like binocca? It's that small? And you can use it as a mouth spray as well? Absolutely. So before someone shits in there, you just... Right.

So the girl with the guy on the necklace, she will spray before she sits on the phone. That's right. That sounds like a good advice. Yeah, Poo-Poo-Ree, that works. Extra shoes. That's what I was thinking, dude. You get a pair of Crocs popped in the backpack.

You put them on before... Like, as you're shitting... Like, I think this shitter has Crocs. I fucking knew that, dude. No, it's not him. It's... Harry Pooter went in there with a backpack, but I assume he's not wearing Crocs.

You know what you could also do is you just, like, fucking one day you just watch somebody, they're washing their hands, and then you, like, put them in a sleeper hold or something, and then you drag his lifeless body outside and be like, I got him! That was the serial shitter! And then you spend the rest of the time shitting somewhere else.

You've evaded the moniker of diarrhea fiend forever, and I'm sure you've committed murder. It's a small price to pay. Or Poo-Poo-Ree is also fine. You can get that on Amazon, I imagine. Good stuff. Use our coupon code for sure, though. Oh, yeah, do we have one of those?

Yeah, I think so. All right. Show it off. Let's do a checkout. We're about to halfway point, so why don't we get a round of applause? We'll take a little break. Thank you.

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What a world that was. Whoa-ho-ho-ho. Our longest break ever, an hour and a half. That was an amazing break dance, by the way. Thank you. It was so cool. I've been sort of studying on the DL for the last... I didn't know you could head spin.

Nine years. Yeah, I've been doing a head spin. That's nuts. Why did you think I brought a helmet here? It's so cool. It was insane to me. It's really neat that that happened. All right, now that we're back from the break,

why don't we get finally, finally a question from a female. Does anybody have a... Yo, Harry Potter fan yelling Hermione Crancher. Wait. Mo? Mo? Did I say it right? All right, good.

Mo. I say Mo, and they're like, Mo, and then I say Mo, and they say Mo. You just say... When I say Mo, you guys just would just go like this. Now I get it. I'm saying no. Okay.

Yeah. No. Mo. Mo. Mo. Mo, right. Recently, I started doing some stand-up comedy. I'm a 17-year-old female.

My problem is this. I recently did a set at my high school showcase. It went over really well. One guy even said he recorded it, so that he could have it for when I'm famous. The problem is my dad. A lot of my jokes were aimed towards him. My mom was there, and she recorded it,

and now my dad really wants to see the recording. Should I tell him that no one recorded it, or should I just suck it up and let him watch the video? I don't know if this is TMI, but he was a cult leader in the 90s. He doesn't know that I know he was a cult leader. Huge fan of the show. Love you both.

I'm excited to see you in Portland this Tuesday. Love Mo. Does anybody here wrote that? Did someone here's... Did somebody here's dad lead a cult? Yeah, no. She's 17, right? So she would get kicked out as soon as she raised her hand.

Well, I figured if her dad is that convincing, he could probably call the venue and figure something out. My dad was a piece of shit. You know, just because you're a cult leader doesn't mean you're a bad guy. It just means you're very persuasive. Yeah, what kind of cult? That's a good question.

I think... Because there are good cults. Cults sort of get a bad rap for, like, the suicide thing. There's a good cult? What one? Scientology. Scientology? Is that a good cult?

That's one of the worst ones. Judaism? Yeah, you want to go there? I love it. What are you saying? Just because something's a cult doesn't mean it's bad. I feel like that's the definition of cult. It's led by a very persuasive leader of sorts.

Okay, but you're thinking office space was a cult classic comedy. Yeah, that could be a cult. But then not like, oh, this breathing-only air and not eating food and dying is a cult thing, too. Yeah, that could be another type of cult. So there's some good, there's some bad. You can't really put your finger on which one is which. Well, you can usually identify the bad ones

by the ones that make you kill them yourself. Is it illegal to convince someone to do something? We're asking for this, guys, still. Oh, no, there was. It just happened. It just happened. There was a text message and the phone call. What about in the 90s?

If I convinced you to give me money, is that robbery? Or am I just, like, kind of... Well, if you convince me to give you... Yeah, no, that's like a pyramid. Oh, no, pyramid schemes are illegal, right? But it's being like a bum illegal? Like, you could ask for money. Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

And if I'm like, hey... We should obviously be lawyers. If I'm like, you're really gonna go to hell. Your honor, is that illegal? And he's like, yeah, I'm like, oh, really? I rest my case. I didn't know that and I don't think my client did either. Jury.

Did you guys fucking know that shit? Yeah, I mean, we knew it, yeah. Really? Shay, you guys should be the lawyer. And I should be the jury. You talk shit about your dad. No, I don't. Leading the bitch-ness.

Do you want your dad to find out that you think he's a gourd? My father... Tread lightly, fucker, all right? You take my father's name out your damn mouth. He's called him a trough of shit. I called him what I call him a lot of things with love. And you come over here and you call him a... What'd you say, a trough of shit?

No, you said that. That's not cool, man. What? That's not cool at all. That's not fucking chill. That's really not. My dad's a noble man. He's an honorable man.

He said a farmer jacked off in a trough. Oh. And that was your dad. Your crass. This is how you make people laugh, party hard, hard. No. Farmer jerk off in a trough. That's funny to you.

I get it. I mean, it is funny. You're a sad man. And my dad is a proud man. And my dad is a rich man, yeah. That's right. All right. I guess if I were you in this situation, I'd be like,

Dad, don't worry about the stand-up. Come to my next show. And then the next show is all about how cults rule. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And when a Haley's Comet comes back around, let's kill ourselves. He's like, Dad, yo. You may suck as a comedian, but you're a good daughter.

And you know what? I wish I could say that about myself. You could make a lot more money as a... You should really be sipping the Cosmo. Oh, yeah. I wish I could say that about myself. Good man. Bartender.

Never let me see the bottom of this ass. And I won't let you see the bottom of this ass. That should be the caption for the photo of Amir sitting on my face that are any of you who have yet to post it. Bartender, never let me see the bottom of this ass. Man, that's good. That's funny. Tragedy plus time.

That's why we have a lot more on the Haley's... The Heaven's Gate cult. That's right. Yeah, I feel like everyone says the cults are about the suicide and the kill yourself. And granted, I made some pretty dark jokes earlier. Hell, who hasn't? Well, none of these people have.

Of course. They're better people than you. But I feel like there's some cults that just extort people, and that should be fine. If I can convince you to give me cash, maybe we'll call it an idiot tax, and I deserve the money. That's fine.

Like, isn't, like, nice shoes a cult in a way? You don't really need the nice shoes. I'm trying to tell you Nike and fucking Adidas. You guys walk around flaunting that logo. You're wearing Nike. Really? Also, I am. Yeah.

All hail. Phil Knight. Uh... All right. Oh, here's a good question. How about somebody up there yell a guy's name? Shia. Shia.

Shia the friggin' beef? Little beef? Shia the friggin' beef. Oh, my God. That's the coolest celebrity god. Wow. You think he's at the show? How insane was it, though, he got to shoot with him?

Yeah, do you guys, I don't know if you guys, have you guys seen all of the old Jake and Amir videos? We had... We had the Transformers friggin' Indiana Jones, even Stevens, yeah, Megan, the guy that was legit dating Megan Fox in our web series. That's insane to me to think.

Just nuts. Shia the friggin' bean. This was after holes, though, right? Yeah, it was after holes. Post holes, but pre-Transformers, I think it was. Yeah. That's another caption for the picture, is post hole...

pre-Transformer. Shia the friggin' bean writes, the other night I hung out with some friends at a bar and I met a girl who was a friend of one of my friends who I already knew. We talked for a while and maybe it's because I was drunk, but I said we should hang out and I asked for her number. Ha!

The next morning I felt bad because I have a girlfriend. Ha! We've been dating for three years and she's currently on an extended work trip some 10 hours away from me. Ha! She won't be back until mid-August and I don't want this girl to think I asked for her number

for some romantic reason. I don't even remember if I mentioned that I had a girlfriend because I was so drunk. Ha! Can I ask this girl to hang out in a platonic way? Should I just not and delete the number? Should I ask her to hang out when we're with mutual friends? To add to my question, I'm super lonely without my girlfriend.

We know. And I don't have many friends. I can make more friends and hang out with people more often without coming off as needy or horny. Love? Oh, Shia the Bean. Shia the Bean. Let's give it up for Shia.

Can a man with a girlfriend befriend another girl that's a friend? No. Zero tolerance. You have a girlfriend, you cannot befriend a girl under any circumstance. Meet up with her one-on-one. I can do that, but I will fuck her eventually. So, yeah, you can do that if you are down to end your relationship

or at least lie to your significant other forever. So what? You say no because you'll want to have sex or because you will have sex? Because I will, but other people might want to. But I can fucking do it, you know what I'm saying? Can you befriend a lesbian that wouldn't have sex with you because she's not sexually attracted to you? I don't know about that.

You're saying you'll befriend a lesbian and you still have sex with her? Shut up, when I'm with someone, I don't know if I should have friends. Even if it's a guy, you'll fuck a guy. I think I could fuck anyone all the time. I'm always wanting to. So it's about the guy more than the girl who trusts him or something? I guess my genuine answer, I think it takes a lot of context. I think you could have a straight, actual platonic relationship with somebody.

But the relationship that this guy described didn't sound very platonic. Because he met drunk? Yeah, you met drunk and you didn't tell her that your girlfriend existed. So it doesn't really sound like a platonic kind of thing. Is there a lady out there with a boyfriend right now of three-ish years? Glasses right here, standing up. Okay, your boyfriend... Oh, your boyfriend's right here?

Did you trust that motherfucker? Would you let him get a drink with a friend that happened to be a woman? Probably not. What if it was a friend that predated you, so like an old friend of his? Maybe. Oh, if you were there too? So not a solo one-on-one. Just doing like referee shit.

What if he... Oldest friend in the world is a very unattractive gay woman. Still... Oh, that's fine? That's fine. Very unattractive straight woman. Can we ask the boyfriend? He can do it! So he can get a drink and befriend a woman as long as she's less attractive than you objectively.

That's a good role. No, no, no, it's not. I fuck people that are less attractive than people I love all the time. I almost do it exclusively. What about the boyfriend? Would you let your girlfriend... You say yes? Or you haven't said anything yet?

Would you let her... Your girlfriend goes out with a bunch of lady friends. She's like, I met this guy, he's really nice and friendly. We're gonna get a drink on Tuesday. Because you know Portland turns up on a Tuesday. I know it, I know it, I know it. So what do you say to that? Whoa!

You're telling her to fuck him? Whoa! That's hot! As long as you're there? That's awesome, dude. Just make a cuckold of me. I think it depends on the girl, it depends on the guy, I don't know. Would anybody here just not even bat an eye?

You raising your hand right there. What? Sorry, no, I know, I'm so... We have to repeat that into the microphone for those listening at home. You're in Portland, Oregon, correct? Your boyfriend... That much we know is true, everything else could be a lie. And I hope to God it is.

Your boyfriend is currently in California with a girl he used to date? How did he spin that to you? What did he tell you? What kind of mental, linguistic... What kind of black magic sorcery? What Jafar staff did he put in front of your face that lets you... Agree to that? He disguised you. You're under his spell.

I mean, I'm sorry, honey, but he's getting his. No, no, no, we don't know that for a fact, I'm sorry. So why is he in California with a girl he used to fuck? He did invite your sister. This guy sounds awesome! Do I ask more questions or should we leave it at that? Did you say he invited your sister? Leave it at that, game over.

Yeah, cross-examination, no further questions, your honor. I will tell you this, if he comes back and nothing happened, I guess you're forever trustworthy, you've given him the ultimate test. How on earth will she know that nothing happened? He asked a pinky promise. He sent the question. He sent the question? No, he's fucking somebody else, man.

You know, maybe the joke's on us, maybe a relationship is built on such strong trust. He can go away to fucking Hawaii with all of his ex-girlfriends. You know he's gonna be thinking about you when he's fucking her? And that's not cheating. That's absolutely not cheating. I was thinking of you the whole time, baby. That's an interesting quandary. Would you rather have somebody that you loved fuck someone else

but think of you the whole time? Or fuck you but think of someone else the entire time. Wow. Yeah. I gotta go fuck me. Really? Yeah. Because at least I'm having sex.

And she can think of fucking Elijah Wood or whoever the fuck she used to date. That's the hottest celebrity you could think about at the top of your head. Oh, you know, not fucking Baggins. Christian Bale's ex. I honestly think that's legit doable for me. You fucking up Elijah Wood's ex? Yeah. Samwise Gamgee?

Maybe. Wow. Sexy. I mean, I feel bad for her going from Elijah to this Wood, but hell, I'll take it. That's the pickup line. That's my Tinder bio. I'm looking for one woman. Do you guys have time to answer one more question?

Samwise. You guys have been awesome. Thank you so much for coming out. What a fun show. We'll definitely be back. Whether you like it or not. Oh, here we go. This is a good one.

We need, let's go all the way up there. I'll predict. What did she say? Spurgeon? Hell yeah. Spurgeon. Spurgeon. Spurgeon writes.

Spur, that's with a P, I think. Okay. All right. I have a serious problem on my hands. Recently, while me and my girlfriend of four years were getting down and dirty, she was riding me when the unthinkable happened. Good night, everyone. We mustn't think of it.

When the unthinkable happened. My wing slipped out, got bent backwards, and I heard a pop. I immediately recoiled in pain. It's been two weeks since this happened. Oh, we got a snort. That was the sound of the pop. Don't this shit make my people want a snort? Snort.

I heard a pop and immediately recoiled in pain. It's been two weeks since this happened, and now I'm wrapping the little general up in a makeshift cast. It refuses to work properly. Now my girlfriend is threatening to leave me if I can't get the koi diva to come out of its shell. Scream. My question is, do either of you know any natural remedies that would...

It really has to be natural. You didn't have to go holistic. This is your penis. Natural remedies to fix my heart problem. Please help. I really love this girl, and I don't want to lose her. Toda, love. Sturgeon, Spurgeon, Sturgeon. No, you're talking about a splint of popsicle sticks? This is the most important thing on a guy's body.

It's the fucking dick. You go straight to the goddamn ER. Jesus Christ, why is he talking about doing like a natural remedy? Burning sage along his shaft? That's right. Make sure the cheese is in a positive spirit. Fix it. And let the power of negativity compel you. Why negativity?

What? I didn't know you could break your dick. You said yup like you broke your dick. Have you broken your penis? No. But you just know that it could happen to somebody that wasn't you. Isn't it a muscle? You would sprain it or strain it or tear it? Sprayin' the tissue?

You've seen a lot of... Do you watch porn where this happens? It seems like they would cut around it. Do we have a doctor in the house? It damages the tissue? Have you broken someone's penis? You know this to be true? And what do you... No, I don't want to imagine my hard dick bending any which way.

Bend it? Kind of like bending a popsicle straw? Sorry, popsicle straw. You guys, Amir's from Israel. He hasn't had very many normal popsicles in his life. We have straw. And I'll give you a break, honey. What do you...

What would you do? Your penis bends, pops... I'm doing something awesome. Sex. Right. And it pops. Like a fucking Pringles can. Once you pop, the fun DO stop. That's what I'm saying, dude.

I guess I would... My dad's a gynecologist, so that would be my first... That's usually Amir's pickup line, too. I can get you free birth control. I'd make sure it's opposite day. Call my daddy and be like, All right, listen, pops. Iron, pun intended.

I know you're all about that cervix or whatever. But I need your help, dad. I heard it pop. I don't know what the fuck happened. I think I strained my dick muscle. Thoughts? So you're advising this guy to call your dad? I mean, I've twisted my ankle. Maybe I'll do a little rice or something.

Rest the rocket. Icy icicle. Compress the cock. And elevate the elephant trunk. And that's all the fucking letters of rice, guys. Thank you. I do deserve the applause. If it still hurts, maybe pop a couple Advil up there.

It has to go straight to the source. It doesn't have to do that. Well, when I have a headache, I swallow it. And you're, I'll sit on a bottle of Tylenol space. God, that's hot. I mean, I don't know what to tell this guy. Your dick's broken and you're writing a podcast. Where did you go?

And you're not even writing for us to ask a doc. You're writing a podcast to ask for natural remedies. Yeah. Icy hot. I've put Icy hot on my penis. It's the worst thing that you could possibly do. Do not do that. You put Icy hot on your penis and come to my next show,

and then you'll ask, oh, you're asking not why, why not? You're asking why did I? Yeah, why did you? That's our show, folks. Thank you. Thank you guys so much. Portland. We had an awesome time.

I really appreciate you guys coming. Did you guys have fun? Great. So did we. Namaste. Have a happy Tuesday. We'll see you soon. Thank you guys.

That was a headgum podcast.