If I Were You - 282: Is It Cheating If...

Episode Date: July 10, 2017

In this episode we discuss getting grossed out and turned on. Also, tennis.See us in Montreal! Live "If I Were You" on July 25.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. Well listen to if I were you Yes dude, yes dude, yes dude, yes dude Listen to if I were you I'm crying. Decent. What? Thanks for listening everybody.

This is If I Were You. Tears are streaming down my face and all you can say is decent. That shattered all the glass in the studio. Sorry. I was playing Tetris on my phone. It was immaculate. It was incredible. I have to listen to it again because I wasn't really paying attention.

But I thought it was good. The part where it was like. Holy, I mean the first three seconds. I heard you wanted more Broadway covers, right? It's Madison Daily. So here's the most dramatic, ridiculous Broadway solo of all time. And she has an album available on Spotify, Apple Music, and most other streaming platforms. After her name, Madison Daily.

Whoa. Daily spelled D-A-L-E-Y. Madison Daily. Madison Daily. What is that a cover of? I guess it's a song from Dream Girls. Cool. Which I only sort of like vaguely am aware of Dream Girls.

Same. Remember that movie? I was searching about it. When do you think Dream Girls came out? 2003. Close. 2006. Cool.

It started Beyonce Knowles and Eddie Murphy. Yeah. So she's worked alongside a couple of the greats. Eddie Murphy, Mike Myers. Yeah. Jamie Foxx and Danny Glover also in Dream Girls. Cool. So is that a mostly male cast for Dream Girls?

No, it started three Dream Girls. Okay. I guess it was a musical, then a movie. And now it's a theme song for us. Perfect. So thanks Madison Daily for writing that for us. And thanks to you guys for listening to us. This is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet.

Brought to you by me. And I. I'm Amir. I'm Jake. And we are back from a long holiday weekend. Oh yeah. 4th of July seemed to have lasted a couple of weeks. That's fine.

No complaints. That's what happens when 4th of July is on a Tuesday. I don't know what's going to happen next week. You mean next year? No, next week. In your life? The 11th of July. What am I doing for that one?

Yeah. What happens when 4th of July is on a Wednesday? Do people take the weekend before off? Does it kick off? Like 4th of July, that's when we became a country, right? Okay. And I mean the 11th of July, there's still some really exciting shit happening. Yeah, 7-Eleven.

In the founding of our country. They were like, all right. Week one, we really got to like, we have the 13 states and now like what should. And now we have to like build houses and roads and shit. We should be celebrating that too. That's what Rhode Island was. Really? Yeah.

The full name is Roads and Shit Island. And then they're like, all right, let's call it Rhode Island. This will be like the first one. What about houses and stuff? Houses and stuff. If you say it fast, that's what Connecticut is. Yeah. Interesting.

Little American history facts. Not a big deal. Those ones are for free. But this is an advice show. It's an advice podcast. People email us from around the world. They'll email us to ifireeshow at gmail.com. We read the questions.

Our interns have been doing a great job finding some great questions for us. Yeah, it's really taking a bit of a load off. Super helpful. So these are some of the questions that our interns found that we have, let's say they're intern tested, but mother approved. And I am mother. You are mother, I'm sure. I am a little mother.

You are mother and I am Zaddy. What? Zaddy and mommy. This is the Zaddy and mommy hour. Zaddy and Zommy. Zother and Zother. This first one comes from a lady. Have you have a lady's name?

Oh, yes. I certainly do. And I'm coming up with it as we speak. The lady's name. Yes. Something topical going on this day, this hour. Totally. Is, you know what?

Venus Williams. Really? Wimbledon. Is she in Wimbledon? I watched her play yesterday. I don't know if she won. She's still playing? Yep.

36, 37-ish. Jesus, man. Federer's in this one too. Really? Yeah. It's like nothing's ever changed. It's weird. You could have like been watching, been really into tennis 10 years ago and then like decided

I'll get back into it. And then all the best players are the exact same. Yeah. Where's Yvonne Lendl right now? Dead. Sorry to tell you. I didn't want you to have to find out like this, but he's dead. How did you want me to find out?

I wanted you to be surprised. So you did want me to find out like this? No, no. I didn't want you to ask. I wanted you to just want to maybe confront it with the fact. That's what's happening. That's what this is. That's exactly how I found out.

I am shocked. I'm surprised one day I'm confronted with that fact. Yeah, but you asked. I feel like somewhere you knew. Yeah, I do have known. You wanted someone to come up to me and say, by the way, Yvonne Lendl's dead. Exactly. All right.

Sorry about that. It's all right. Weird goal you had. All right. Venus writes, Hey guys, my name is Venus and I love your show. I've written in a few times, but I think I need the most help with this. My boyfriend and I have been with each other for a little over a year and have always been very sexual, but for some reason I constantly gag at his come.

I can't help it. I just do. I love giving him blowjobs and I want to stay intimate, but it's a huge turnoff for him. I don't know what to do. I have blown him till he came and I swallowed, but I only started gagging when he said he was. Hmm. I have blown him till he came and I swallowed, but I only started gagging when he said he

was. When he said he was coming? Got it. Like if he comes on my stomach, I gag. If I see it, I gag. I don't want to- So she sees it, she gags and if she just swallows, it's fine. Interesting.

I don't want to gag, but it just happens. I want to have sex and pleasure with him without gagging, but I can't help it. So how can I see come and not gag? Is there a way I can get used to it and not gag? Any advice will help. P.S., I'm not grossed out by it, but that's just the way my body reacts. I've seen his come thousands of times, but yeah, I'm still gagging. Thousands.

Thousands of times. Okay. That's like three times a day, every day for two years, she's seen his come. His come and gagged every time. Yeah. It's a turn off for him if she gags, it has come. Oh, come on. It's not that bad.

It's just my seed. What's so bad about my seed? You're making me feel self-conscious about the jism that comes out of my cock. Yeah. You know how some people have the nail on the chalkboards thing, like the goosebumps? Yeah. Do you have one of those things? Yeah.

I don't like, I can't stand the thought even of like pencil on paper, but the lead is really dull and it's like sort of the pencil lead and the wood of the pencil scraping on paper. It's such a specific thing. So like an unsharpened pencil sort of scraping against a wood. Cran that's like all the way, like breaks and then you're just like drawing, scrub, like the paper against other paper. So what is it?

It's wood on wood that you don't like? I guess, but it's really like, I think it, I could imagine just like a piece of wood on paper and that would kind of be fine. It's like the writing utensil. It's like the dullness of that and like scraping it. Interesting. It makes me very uncomfortable even to talk about it. Mine is, I also dislike the speaking of it, but it's the...

This should be its own podcast. Yeah. Come on and talk about what gives you goosebumps. The grooves of a record, like really thin fucking grooves and like just scraping it with your finger, fingernail. I love that feeling. Oh, and then the worst is when I press it against my, the pads of my fingers, which already have grooves against the grooves.

And it just, it's like, you know, the sometimes binders had like the two, like the hologram girls like this and this or this or that. I could rub my hand around that all day. I hate that shit. I wonder if that's genetic or like some like weird repressed part of you at like H5 was like abused by something. Yeah. Like why is it different for some people?

Why are there like groups of it? Like some people don't like the nail on the chalkboard. Like that's a common one, but that doesn't really bother me. Some people don't like the like fork on a plate. Yeah. I don't, one doesn't bother me either. Yeah. But yeah, for whatever reason, like the grooves of a record really, really get me.

It's your skin crawl. So what if you have that with cum? Then it's not hot. I don't get about the cum is like, that's the end of everything. There doesn't need to be anything hot you do after the cum is out. Yeah. Then it's like the sexy time is over. That's like, that's the confetti cannon at the end of the party.

After that you clean up and go home. Hobble jogs to the bathroom. Unless this guy is also like, if he can just eat his own cum and stare at it and be like, this is hot, then he doesn't, he doesn't have a leg to stand on. Yeah. It's like, all right, if you can drink a vial of your own cum. It's fair to tell you a girl from the top and she does it. Can you, I wonder if you can rewire your brain.

Like if, is there a hypnosis or a therapy I can do that would get me over my goose bumpery? Is there even a word for that feeling? The idea that someone doesn't think you see goose bumps. Yeah. Some sort of a hypnotism thing. Yeah. Is there a way to rewire it?

I got very, very familiar and intimate with it and like maybe looked at it under a microscope or something. Yeah. But then also like, I think that it's not really, it's fine that you don't like that. You just avoid it. But when it's cum, well, I think it's pretty easy to, like to me the solution here isn't like, you better get used to his cum because it's going to be on you. It's going to be around you.

The solution is like, okay, so just don't come directly in her line of vision. That's like, the solution isn't get her used to the cum. The solution is get the cum a little more low profile in the relationship. Yeah. It doesn't need to be first and foremost. And if you, it seems like this is the smallest problem that you can have with someone. Like you get along with them, you're attracted. They get along with your family.

You have the same values. You have the same friends. You can get a like hang out for days in a row. And then if you go scroll all the way down to the list of attributes that your partner needs, the last one is can they see my cum without gagging? And if everything else is fine. That's the deal breaker. That's the non-starter.

That's why I bring a little square of my cum in a napkin to every date that I go on. And I just sort of slide it across the table like I'm making them an offer. And then when they open up and I see how they react to it. That's why I've never been on a second date folks. Because they've never, of course they wouldn't appreciate that. They wouldn't appreciate the sight of your cum date one. Of course. So the question is, how can I see his cum and not gag?

It's fine that you, it's fine that that's just, you don't have to worry about that. It's fine that you do gag. It seems like one way to do it is to like get, like people get over phobias. I wonder if it's the same thing. Like you see it a bunch and you become desensitized to it. But she says she's seen it thousands of times and it seems like it's not helping. I don't know. It's weird.

Irrational fears or not even fears but disgusting. What is it? Irrational reactions. Yeah. I guess like this would be a bigger problem if she's like every time like he has something wrong with his teeth and I always gag when I see his teeth or I hate his breath or you know, something about his personality. Yeah.

His posture. But this is such a small, it's such a small thing that I truly think you don't need to correct it. Just try to, try to avoid it and if he's upset, tell him to fucking relax. Yeah. So it's your saying it's not even a problem. Yeah. All right.

Next question. Oh, this is an interesting one. This one is from a human male. Oh, perfect. Tomas Beardich. I love Beardich. Tomas Beardich. That's my man.

Right. I got onto the Tinder scene last year after a five year relationship went south. I had some solid success for a few months but I've grown weary. Doing random hookups was fun for a while but I'm kind of over fucking people. I don't want to hold a conversation with afterwards. That being said, I'm not looking for a relationship either. Just someone who's cool with occasionally hanging out and hooking up who I, God forbid, also enjoy talking to.

Am I trying to eat and have this proverbial cake too? In my experience thus far, it seems like most either just want to fuck buddy or something more in their words. Is there a middle ground between these two? Sorry. Is there a middle ground between the two just not plausible in an app-dating world? Tota. Love.

Tomas Beardich. Is there a third option? If one is like sex without being attracted to someone and the other one is a relationship, this guy wants something in between the two. A casual relationship. Yeah, casual relationship. Just what you call the first couple weeks of a relationship? I don't think you have to.

I've definitely had casual relationships that lasted a bit. And it's known to not lead to anything? I mean, I think the only thing that leads to stuff is like exclusivity. Yes. That's when you become the boyfriend or the girlfriend. Or when you see each other so often that you don't even have time to do other stuff. Right. That's why I always make sure that I'm never exclusive.

Yeah. You want to slow down the relationship train. Like Spider-Man. Grind it to a halt. Just fucking holding back. Come on. Stop. Stop.

Do not gain momentum. I'm naughty little webs. Of deceit. Lies. Lies. Anger. Dishonor. But it's weird.

It seems like there is sex without emotional intimacy. I've done relationships too. I've done relationships too. And then there's everything else. There's like sleeping with someone you like that you want to see and you like hanging out with. And if sometimes that evolves into a relationship, sometimes it doesn't. I think you can have sex with people that you like and you want to see.

And it's like, you don't have to have casual sex with people you don't care about. You can have casual sex with people that you like and you just value your freedom and the, you know, the idea of having multiple partners and stuff. Like you can, you can have both. So you're saying he says, is the middle ground between the two just not plausible in an updating world? How do you, do you like bring that up right away? Like, by the way, I don't want to be in a relationship.

Or do you just act in a way that shows that? I always am in favor of not having a conversation and you show things with your actions. So you act like a deceitful little imp child. You'll be like, Hey, I can't hang out today. I'm going to a party and they're like, uh, okay. But why shouldn't I be invited to the party? But then they sort of like, they don't say that. Yeah.

They're just wondering exactly. They get upset. Yeah. What's going on? And then they see pictures and Snapchats of you hanging out and having a great time. And then it's like, Oh, why was I starting to feel like a diva ass for this? Yeah. So I guess I, I think it is just about like being, uh, it's the pure heart rule all over

again. You just, you say, you'd be honest. You say, I like hanging out with you. I just don't want to be in a relationship and you know, that doesn't have to be about the person. I'm not ready. I don't want to, I don't want that in my life. If you feel like that's what you need and I can't provide it, then feel free to stop

hanging out with me. Um, that said, I'm a fan of having those conversations. What usually when somebody brings it up, I think it's weird to like be on a date and tell somebody I'm not trying to see you. Cause that's just like, it's closing the door before it's open. Yeah. Yeah. You might as well like let that person decide what, what they're looking for.

And then you, uh, acknowledge whether or not you can provide it. You want that or not. Yeah. I would, I like to answer questions rather than like after they're asked rather than by the buy. Yeah. I don't know what you're thinking, but here's what I'm thinking. Yeah.

It's the, it's like the difference of telling the truth versus just not lying. Like wait, why didn't you lie to me? Like I didn't lie. I just didn't bring it up. I didn't say anything. Yeah. How can I lie if I'm silent? Exactly.

Uh, I don't know. Like there are like pros and cons to both and it kind of depends on the other person. Uh, it really does depend on like, I mean, if that person is you, if you can clearly tell that that person is suffering and, uh, wants to be in a relationship and you guys not being in a relationship is hurtful, but you like sleeping with them, then it's, that's pretty clear that you're being an asshole. Yeah. But if she seems to like not care, like goes days without texting you and is hanging out

with other people, and then it's like, it seems like this is a mutually agreed upon thing. Yeah. And every time there's, and then, you know, if you feel like there needs to be a conversation, you can always have one. But it seems like if fuck buddies on one side and something more is in the other, this middle ground isn't directly in between. It seems like it's more towards something more than just a fuck buddy.

I guess, yeah, I guess so, but that's fine. Like I think fuck buddy is, I think that's a flawed premise. I think that's a weird system to have. You mean zero, zero like, I don't like anybody, but I still need to fuck something. So it should be just be a little better and you can find somebody that you like, at least like a little bit and like to fuck. You don't have to, just cause you're horny doesn't mean you have to ruin a friendship. Oh, you think because it starts as a friendship.

Yeah. It's like, ah, I can't get laid by anybody. Maybe we should just be fuck buddies, but nobody ever like really is like, let's be fuck buddies cause I don't care about you. It's always like one person giving up and another person being like, I finally get to fuck my crush and it's, I don't know, it's just a bad idea. You mean it's rarely like it's one 30 AM and one person texts the other one cause they're drunk and horny and saying, I don't, I couldn't find anyone to sleep with.

Do you want to hang out? And then that person feels the exact same way. Yeah. I mean that happens. It's just lightning in a bottle and I think that fuck buddy, I think that we can elevate ourselves to, if we're not looking for true love, at least look for something better than a fuck buddy. And I think it's more popular or it's more possible now with the app based dating because

there's like such a richness of choices that you can find somebody that is looking for exactly what you want, which is like a casual relationship that's not fuck buddy, but not, ah. How about this relationship? He upgrades from apps to websites. Seems like there's more effort in like an okay cupid type site than a Tinder type site. So if you're investing a little more, it feels like the bottom rung is no longer fuck buddy, but like this middle ground that he's looking for. I feel that the websites are a little bit too relationship forward.

Yeah. I think the apps are about sex and the websites are about relationships. So I used to avoid those things because then you're entering into a casual thing with some somebody that you know is looking for a relationship and I think that's a recipe for disaster. Maybe there's this, maybe the middle ground is where we should launch our system because Tinder is like fuck buddy and okay cupid is like something more, what's in the middle of this like casual. Yeah.

What's whatever our dating app is. Yeah. Which is, it's not even an app, it's a mobile site. So it doesn't exist on the internet and it doesn't exist as an app. You can only load the website from your phone. Somebody did hit me up and say that they would help us build the dating app. Right. But would it be Swipey?

I think it has to be Swipey. I think it absolutely has to be Swipey. What if it's game based like your snakes versus blocks game? Oh, that's a good idea. So you're like avoiding people you don't like and then running into people that you do and those are the balls. I guess there's, what if instead of like Swipey, it's like rank based. So you have five people, five pictures and you like drag one to the top, one to the bottom,

one to the second, one through five and like those five people have the rankings too. They have, yeah, they have like rankings. So it's almost like. You know, that's how residencies work. If you go to residency in America, you interview with like 30 places and then you submit your rank of like you pet number one, USC number two, and then they do the same thing and you match with the person. So you only match if you put that school number one?

No. Because if your school put like your school, let's say your number one school is University of Pennsylvania. They put their top five. You're right. I'm a Yale-y through and through. Okay. Your top school is Yale.

Damn right. Okay. And then their five people all chose Yale. Then you don't get to go to Yale. Yes, I do. I'm legacy. Never mind. Let's go to break.

No, it's all good. They have to put you in their like top eight or how many people they have. And if they get their top choices, if they all chose Yale, but if one of them chose Harvard instead of Yale, then they go to like their ninth and then it would be like you. So like there's this whole middle person that it's called matching day. It's like on St. Patrick's Day or something. And it sees where you matched. And some people don't match anywhere.

And some people matched with like three schools, but they only go to their best. So if it was like this residency matching, but for dating. So you, like you said, rank your top five and then girls are also ranking their top five. Right. And if you're somebody's number one and they're your number one, you match and you find that out the next day. That's pretty cool. It's kind of like swiping, but it's a little more gamey.

What I was thinking of was instead of seeing like your standing before not the single girl, but her five friends, cause you know, it's like, I know what kind of guy you would like before your friend does. Yeah. So like if I'm single, I have five friends that are looking at girls and they choose based on who I am because you guys know me better than I know myself. So as a guy, you're basically, I don't know how it works. So girls, single people sign up, their friends have to sign up with them.

I guess. Yeah. You would have to have, it would be your profile that we're swiping on, right? Cause it wouldn't be like pictures of me. What are you talking about? And who am I in this situation? So you're the single guy and me and Billy and Marty and Jeff the dumbass, we create a profile for you.

Yeah. We have to be pictures of you. Yeah. I guess the weird thing would be like four of us all swiping. I think it'd have to be like just the women. We talked about this before I think once, the wingman app. So that's like, rather than multiple people, it's just me swiping for me for you. Are you saying that you have, you were swiping for five single friends?

Uh, no, the other way around. Okay. Yeah. So I think it's got to be just one person, one single friend. Wingman app. Yeah. Wingman, wingwoman. All right.

Well, the conversation continues. We'll do it someday folks. Let's take a break. A few more sponsors and we'll be back after this. This show is sponsored by better help. Thank you. Better help. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation, talking to a

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looks good. Let's launch it. Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you Squarespace and we're back Montreal shows fast approaching. Insanely fast approaching. Do you know when those are July 25th and 6th? I think that is correct. We have our show on Tuesday.

Yes. That's July 25th. Which is almost sold out. Yes. That's close to being sold out. And then we have the Head Gum Live. Which frankly is going to be a better show. It's going to be an insane one.

That's on the 26th. Yeah. Me and you are hosting the Head Gum Live show. You're hosting Twinnovation. Just in two shows that show. Yeah. And then there's also Black Man Can't Jump. And who knows what other special guests will be there because this is a gosh darn comedy

festival. We know John Gabrus will be there but we don't know who the fuck he's going to bring. And we're just going to try to get as many funny people onto the stage all at once. So if you're around Montreal and if you like comedy in general, this is just a fun weekend to be there. Yeah. You should definitely just go to this festival. Go to jaconymere.com or haha.com.

Great URL JFL. Yeah. Come see us July 25th, Tuesday and then Wednesday July 26th. Yeah. And July 26th everybody why don't you come to Rage because I think we're going to tear it up. We're going to tear up the town after that show. Because that's a Wednesday and in Montreal Wednesdays are the new Thursday.

Really? Mm-hmm. I didn't realize that. Yeah. So Wednesday is Thursday Thursday. Yeah. So Thursday Thursday is now sort of a low key type night. So like wacky Wednesday is when people get like fucking turnt up.

Nice. And then you're hungover. You're thirsty for water. Exactly. You're not fucked for Wednesday. And Friday which actually used to take a dip because of Thursday Thursday is now back. That's a bit of a rage vest. Yeah.

And then you're going to keep that going through silly Saturday and Sunday fun day. Absolutely. And then it's just another manic Monday. That's when everyone's sad. Mm-hmm. Yeah. So they're sad. Because I did Molly on Sunday.

Absolutely. It's a suicide Monday they call it. Mm-hmm. I also wanted to shout out to today's head gum video which is doing really well. If you go to youtube.com slash head gum watch all the videos but especially Jeffrey the dumbass noir was a great episode. Yeah. That was written by not Jeffrey but George Saba.

Jeff's friend and our intern George Saba wrote it. Edited by Jeffrey starring Jeffrey. And Eagle shot it on his fancy cams. Yes. So it looks great. It's well written, well acted. You're in it. Oh yeah.

I'm the worst part of it but check it out anyway. Yeah. At youtube.com slash head gum. All right. Shall we get to answering some more questions? I'm down if you are. Yeah. Fuck it.

I'll call it a day. It's on the show. The first theme song was by Michelle Sarah Daly. Michelle Daly. Oh. Your new foot issue. You have a new foot ailment. Of course.

I always have a new one. Yeah. So obviously your broken foot's been lingering for years. And there was your turf toe which started in February. Fully healed or not yet? No. Actually that is, I don't think I have a new foot ailment. I thought you had an ingrown toe.

Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Sorry. I do have. Yeah. Never mind. My feet are fragile little glass people.

So your ingrown toenail is out on the heel broken one or the turf toe foot? The turf toe foot. Got it. The toe that got the turf toe is now also has an ingrown toenail. But that one, that's going to be fine. I've had an ingrown toenail before and it all worked out. Yeah. I'm not afraid of that.

What I am nervous about is the turf toe which has yet to go. And that's been February so that'll be six months soon enough. And everything I read about turf toe was like three to five weeks long because I saw it was like maybe six. You know, but, and I done everything I was supposed to do for that one. I taped it. I rested it. I didn't climb for months.

Didn't run. Can't run because of the heel. So of course, but I'm a little pissed. I'm a little pissed. So I'm now, you're now starting to get mad at your feet like they're a different person or something. Right. It does not feel like they belong to me because they're so far away from your brain.

It feels like different parts of your body. I'm thinking about getting that thing called quell, which they were almost an advertiser with us, but then they didn't. Is that when they, uh, surgically remove everything from the knee down and you get those blades? Yeah. That's quell. Yeah.

Wheels. That's that thing where you like tie, it's like, uh, that like copper shit or something on your calf and it like messes with your brain signals to make you think that you're not injured. Like rewires your head. Hmm. Is that like when like athletes are wearing black tape on like their shoulder and calf and you're like, what is that?

I don't think so. Cause that's just athletic tape. Got it. All right. I'll keep you guys posted. I'm all for it. Uh, we need another tennis stars name. Male or female?

Let's go male. Roger Federer writes, my name is Roger Federer. I just graduated college at the ripe old age of 22. I met a great girl during my last semester of college and we decided to move in together for the summer before she heads back for the upcoming fall semester since she has one more year remaining. My question is we've always had the issue of me being too big. Down there when we get down and dirty.

Oh yeah. I really have strong feelings for her. Yeah. And you got a strong cock too. And probably the first girl I've been with where I genuinely mean it when I say I love you. Recently she went to the doctor and there's a tear that's been repeated since being with me and her doc said to wait on sex for six weeks at least.

Last night I had to reject her coming onto me and honestly I don't know what to do. She is incredibly important to me and I don't want to be jerk for over a month if I know I got a sweet lady to please in the next room. If you were me what would you fellas do? Should I truly wait and jerk in sadness or break up due to this limiting factor in our relationship? Any advice would help. Thanks.

Big fan. You to you. Best. Roger. You know that's the meatloaf song. I'll do anything for love but I won't do that. Yeah. That's what he's talking about is.

Jerk off. Jerk off for six weeks. I will do anything for love but I won't wait six weeks to fuck you again. Yeah. Six weeks. That is a bridge too far. Yeah. This is the first time I've ever said I love you and meant it but damn six weeks is a long

time. Yeah baby you know what this was. I said love not lust. I mean Christ. Some people are in a lifetime man but not me. When you love someone you're willing to wait five, five and a half weeks tops for them to be ready. Not six baby.

God what if her vagina is like your feet and six weeks becomes six months. Ooh become six years. Suddenly you can't fuck anyone. You gotta look out. That must be tough if you actually love someone and then they're like sorry you can't fuck me but you know what you said you love me which is kind of unconditional. It's only six weeks. That's not that long of a time.

Yeah and isn't there things she can do to you that you can't do to her? Yeah like he makes it sound like the only possible way to be intimate is either fucking her or I either fuck or I jerk off. I wonder if she can masturbate. The only issue is a tear which means it seems like she just can't you know put his massive member in her but perhaps she can masturbate and you can masturbate and you can feel some sort of. They call that mutual masturbation folks and that's fine and that's good.

Maybe if you have a nice if you really relax you could do a little like 69 action that's probably the most intimate thing you can do I think. Or you fucking edge yourself for a month and a half bring yourself to the brink of it day after day for 40 days straight. How fucking sexy that will be when you finally get to fuck again after six weeks. And then you just literally explode like a water balloon far too plump for this world. I mean just the slightest bit of give a little bit of friction and the whole thing goes to pow.

Now that's hot. There's cum everywhere on the ceiling fan on the walls. It's just like this question is gagging somewhere and she doesn't even know why that's how much cum there is in the air. If you're me what would you fellas do? I've suffered through this. Really? Yeah.

You've had to wait? I've had to wait. Care to share why or it's too personal of a story. It's a similar thing a tear. Oh really? I mean it's just like sorry. I'm holding off. Yeah.

It's like hey this we can't fuck for six weeks and let's get a second opinion babe. Who is this quack? Maybe the tear is just your vagina because a lot of the times it is kind of a gash. Jesus. What? I love you babe. Jesus Christ. But it's fine.

Six weeks goes by. It happens. At some point in like making a little paper cut and fucking that. A paper cut? Why don't you get a flesh light? She can hold it near her vagina. Yeah. And then she like tears her thighs because it's like they're rubbing.

You're fucking the flesh light too hard. All right let's try to answer one last question. We found four good ones. Oh. Did you just fart? No. Okay. And how dare you accuse me of something like that?

I'm going to find this one. It was a goodie. Well, take your time man. Yeah. It's only a podcast right? Well this is a live show unfortunately. What? What?

Been going really really poorly. No. Not a single laugh from the peanut gallery. This one's interesting. It's just an ethical dilemma. Oh. Okay. Ready?

Yeah. Let's call this person. Patrick Rafter. Oh. The raft man. Heart man. So I've been dating a girl that I really like for the last 10 months. I'm not in the States this summer but studying abroad and I'm not great at checking my phone

so our communication has been rather fragmented. We were having a conversation the other day and she seemed a bit nervous and mentioned to me that she had something to tell me. She told me that she had made out with her best friend, who's a girl, on 4th of July and apologized as if I was going to think it was cheating. Now she and some of her close friends had done this every so often before we started going out. When they were drunk at parties and what not, we are both actors and are both very sexually

free so it's not unusual at all. And despite this, my girlfriend has never considered herself bisexual. Anyway, I told her I didn't count as cheating and that I didn't really care and she seemed a bit surprised. So I'm curious and I assume you two have differing opinions on this but would you consider this cheating? After all, it is 2017, a person is a person so in theory shouldn't this count as if she kissed a guy?

Either way, I probably won't change my mind on how I feel regardless of this specific case but I'm curious what you two think. I think it fits nicely with some of the stuff you were discussing with Gabby and Allison. And before you start, Jake, assume it isn't a potential segue into a threesome. I love Patrick Rafter. Uh, yeah, seems fine to me. Is it less cheating than if she made out with her male best friend? I think so because it's funny, we had Gabby on last week, Gabby and Allison just asked

her a bunch of polyamory bisexual question and now we're back to another one and we don't have her here. But this girl doesn't provide the things or like doesn't satisfy the like the needs that she would get from the guy, right? Cause it's a girl on girl. She did this other thing that's like pretty different and I think I would feel more nervous if it was like somebody could just step right into my shoes and steal my girl. Well, what if this is like a recurring thing?

Like what if she made out with her a bunch over the last 10 weeks while this guy was studying abroad? Would you rather a girlfriend make out with a girl over and over, like kind of like have this mini relationship or make out with one guy once? Oh, that's a good question. And we'll answer it on next week's show. Uh, I don't know. Thanks for listening everybody.

This is crazy. Why would you end up like this way? I'm thinking of cliffhangers. What about, here's a, here's a, let me, let me pause at another theory. Okay. Um, is this a question? Yeah. If you're a girlfriend, uh, made out with another girl drunk at a party, they, they

were like, they went into the bathroom and they made out for a little bit. Hot. Now, conversely, they're, why? It's too hot to handle. Uh, conversely, now they're on a beer punk table, a hundred people cheering and egging them on and they're making out which one is worse. This like secret intimate, I have to have you kiss or the, a rush for everybody we're performing, uh, and everyone's chanting as we make out kiss.

I think I'd rather have the private moment. Yeah. Me too. Because that's only hot for two people. Yeah. So my girlfriend is only, she's not turning on random other guys. Instead of like a hundred dudes with boners. All right.

One bathroom one, five beer punk ones, or 10 ones with a cousin who happens to be a guy and gay and ugly. I'll take the ugly. I'll take the ugly cousin for 10 hundred Alex. I have to be ugly. And she breaks up with you. Deal. It is weird.

Why do we think that making out with a girl is not cheating? Uh, I guess. Or do you? Uh, because this person, she says like she doesn't identify as gay or bisexual, it seems like it can never lead to a real relationship. But then it's like, okay, so if she is bisexual, then it is cheating. And if she makes out with a girl, doesn't that kind of make her bisexual in some, at least a little bit way?

I don't know. It's all fine because it's all hot. It's all happening on a friggin' beer punk table, man. It's all fine because we're all specks of dust floating through space and time and it doesn't fucking matter because we'll all be dead and so will she and so will you when you're an actor who's sexually curious and diverse. And I want to kiss you too. You're talking directly to Patrick Rafter now.

I just want to fucking pull his ponytail back and have at it. Did you, have you seen Patrick Rafter recently? Longer hair? No. Completely bald. 210 pounds. Jesus. How do you know his exact weight?

I'm just guessing that would just be so sad. Patrick Rafter. I mean, he probably was close to 210 pounds anyway. Yeah, he was pretty tall. If I had anything that means he slimmed down. Oh, he did cut his hair and he does kind of look bigger, but he looks kind of good too. He kind of looks like a more handsome Mark Cuban. Interesting.

Yeah. I have, I absolutely have to see this. I want to see some before and Rafter photos. Oh yeah, I can see that. He kind of looks like Matt Leinert. Yeah, he doesn't look like Mark Cuban to me. It's a little bit like Mark Paul Gossler. Oh yeah.

Do you like his hair shorter or longer? Absolutely longer. He's the only one who can rock a ponytail and that's preferable to anything else. I mean, he's got great hair, right? Yeah, dude's a fucking beast. And an awesome jaw. And a smile to melt my heart. And a fucking Australian accent and a serve and volley game that can melt hearts.

I mean, I'm serious. He's averaging 98 miles per hour on a second serve. And that's on ace rebound hardcore down under Melbourne style. Which tournament did he win? Did he win a tournament? Yeah, dude. I'll say 1999 Wimbledon. I think he won the US Open.

Really? Patrick Rafter, Wikipedia shirtless. Really? Oh, I was just saying. He did. He won the US Open twice. Twice? Yeah.

Damn. And here's a picture of him without a shirt and my God, is he hot? Oh, I mean, he's good at tennis. The hottest sport there is. Could you play professional tennis shirtless? Is there a rule against that? Not at Wimbledon. You have to wear all white.

Yeah, but if you are white, I bet at the French Open you can wear whatever the hell you want. All right, here's another Patrick Rafter brainbuster. All right. See if you can wrap your cock around this rafter riddle. Where is he from? I thought he was from Australia. Yeah, but there's a fucking, what town is he from?

Adelaide. You think he's from Adelaide? I really do. I think he's from Sydney. Oh, I really do think he's from Adelaide, mate. Oh, see if you, we're playing Patrick Rafter Jeopardy. He's from, oh, he's from Australia, of course we knew that, but where specifically? How could you tell?

How do you know? And does it matter? It doesn't matter. You know what's sad? I think my favorite tennis player of all time is Andy Roddick. Really? Yeah. Oh, he was born in Mount Issa, Queensland.

I don't know where that is, so we dig deeper. This is part of our other... We should have ended the show pre-Patrick Rafter. Of course. All right, one last question. Is Andy Roddick older or younger than me? Oh, I would guess older by very little. That's correct.

36? Four months older than me. Wow. Yeah. Good on Rodd. All right. Well, that's our tennis podcast and our advice podcast. Thanks so much for listening.

If you guys have your own questions or theme songs, send it on down to ifireushow at gmail.com. So few of our fans will know who Patrick Rafter is. Well, that changed today because now nearly four of them know. Whoa, Mount Issa is so far away from anything I know of in Australia. How the hell did he even have a racket, let alone a court to play on? The opening theme song, remember, was Madison Daily. My God, what a voice. This closing one is from Alex Capo.

If you want to see us in Montreal, tickets are available at ifireushow.com or jaconamere.com. Thanks for listening, everybody. We'll be back next week with a fun guest for you as long as that person doesn't cancel. We'll be back soon. See you later. Bye. A smile and wave as they shoot you down And make you feel like you're the clown You got to hold on to that burning leaf that you pull Seize the cheese and forget your

own And it goes and go with the flow