If I Were You - 284: Jakes Moms Cookies

Episode Date: July 24, 2017

In this episode we talk about braces, blow jays, and being a creep. And also, Jake's Mom's Cookies.We're in Montreal for JFL this week! Get your tickets here.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

Listen to my friends each week, oh Jay And Amir, I guess, Jake's cool and smart And fun, he talks about girls and drugs that he does Amir's kinda smart too, but most need Jake on if I were you 80's chic from Teddy Weeks That's really cool, cause that song built me up and it tore you down So this guy wrote two songs, one with an emphasis on you and the other an emphasis on me What are you gonna play? Cause I fear that it might put me down and I don't wanna hear that

It's neat when it's good about me but it's not that great if it's not Yeah, it's like tragedy is when I stub my toe and comedy is when you fall into an open manhole and die Ditch Teddy Weeks wrote that, we'll play my version at the end of the episode, but I thought you needed that atta boy at the top I did To get yourself in character And I do and I think we should actually play that same version to close the episode Everybody, thanks for listening, let's go

Right now? Yeah What a short episode We'll do 22 minutes of ads This guy came out with a record called We Can Go Anywhere by the Expanding Universe And it's available on iTunes, Spotify and SoundCloud Oh So there you go, We Can Go Anywhere by the Expanding Universe

Thanks, Teddy Cool And thanks to you guys for listening, this is a rare Sunday episode of our show Is this a Suicide Sunday for you? No, I'm feeling good, feeling lit Lit as A.F. Yeah, I went out last night but I ate a lot of dinner so I had a nice healthy base Oh, so you didn't get too drunk or too hungover

No, but I got two drinks and then one drink after dinner I think three's the nice, that's a nice amount And then you go to sleep and you wake up and it's fine Yeah We're gonna reach a point where it's like, wait a minute, why did I always drink to get trashed? Yeah I always drank too much on purpose It's weird, but you know what, I know that when we're in Canada I'm gonna do that

Not once, twice, but probably thrice We are going to Canada this week Yeah, so it's Sunday, we go to Canada tomorrow Yeah, on Monday, so yeah, we're recording this on July 23rd, we leave on July 24th and our show is Tuesday, July 25th It might be sold out by now Wow, that's baller dude And it might not be Awesome too

Hell yeah, at least we tried What's not sold out is the Wednesday show What? The Wednesday show, we've got a head-dumb live show on Wednesday, are you crying? What's that about? We got, we got, we got, we got Twinnovation, we got Blackman Can't Jump, we have John Gabrous and who the fuck knows what mystery guest but they'll probably be Dave Chappelle And that's gonna be us hosting, so we're gonna introduce, we're gonna be doing comedy in between the shows and then you're gonna be hosting Twinnovation Yeah, I still don't have an idea

So if you're looking for a Wednesday show, in addition to the Tuesday show, tickets available at jacadamere.com if I were you show.com and probably the Montreal comedy, just for laughs comedy festival. Ha ha ha. And real quick before we, I also want to mention two things. One, if you have a festival pass, you can get into Wednesday. Okay. You can get into Wednesday's show. Okay.

Two. Two. I was getting a lot of snaps from people that were like, come to Toronto. Yeah. And we're not doing that this year. No. We are not going to Toronto probably for another year. Bombshell.

Sadly. Yeah. What? I don't know how long of a drive it is. It is from Toronto. T dot to MTL. It is nine and a half hours. That's not that bad.

That's not that bad. So we'll see you guys there on Wednesday. You're going to want to leave now so you can get there tomorrow. No, I think it's just a couple hours. All right. We'll fuck. So hopefully we'll see you there. All my Canadians come out.

Let's do it. Let's do it. We, we, we, we. But as far as today, this is an advice show and advice podcast. It's called If I Were You. It's the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us. I'm Amir. I'm Jake.

And people will email us if I were you show at gmail.com. These people are in serious need of our help. They're in trouble. It's actually really, really in need of our help. Yeah. So why don't we try to answer a few questions and help some people out. There's a fun one today. It was a short and sweet one that I posed on Twitter to see if we can get some insight.

I saw that. I saw that. I was, yes. I couldn't, I couldn't see the results. So you told me not to vote unless I was a girl. Yeah. Okay. So here we go.

This is the question. Just so we get into it. What do you want to call this guy? Braylock. That's good. Braylock. Black man can't jump. Braylock writes.

If I see a girl on a dating app that I know in real life, would it come across as creepy to track her down on other social media and send her a message there instead? Thanks. Love Braylock. That's a real question. It's a real simple question. Can you notice a girl on a dating app and then just slide right into her DMs? Right.

Because the whole point of matching on a dating app is like, oh, I win. Now I can message them. Right. Can you just bypass the match part and say, fuck it, I see her Instagram. Right. I can DM her on here. Okay. She follows me on Twitter.

That's fine. So real quick, there's a lot of nuance. There's like a lot of people post, well, if this, then what about this? What about this? Overall blanket statement I posed on Twitter, if one sees a girl on a dating app, would it come across as creepy to DM her on another social media app? And I told only women to vote. And right now there's 2,000 votes.

Not bad. And 70% said, yes, it's creepy. And 30% said, no, it's totally fine. All right. So there's the answer. Yeah. Well, I think there's a lot of gray area. Gray area.

We should discuss the gray. But one of the grays is, if you know that person in the first place? Yeah. If you know that person in the first place and somebody, some lady wrote, it depends on if she has her handle in the profile or you went and searched for her. So if like on her Tinder profile, it's like, hey, add me on Instagram and it has her name. A lot of people integrate their Instagram to their Tinder so people can see their photos. Right.

So it's not on purpose. It doesn't mean that they want people to slide into their DMs. That's true too. If it's not a match, then it's creepy, writes Marita. Ooh. I would almost think it's more creepy if you match. They don't respond to you on Tinder and you're like, well, let's find out on Instagram. On the DMs.

Yeah. Some people said you'd have to match a few times. Some people said it's happened to me and I've done it too. The best move is to follow and build up compliments, I think. So you don't DM right away. You follow, see if they follow back, then you slide in. I think I would have said it's creepy if you say anything about the dating app. If you just slide into somebody's DMs totally innocuously and you just use seeing them on

a dating app to know that they're single, say you have a friend who you've always thought had a boyfriend or something, but then you see her on Tinder and you don't necessarily want to swipe her right because you're like, it'll be weird if we match. But then you, but you could theoretically just pursue another avenue of communication. So you don't even swipe. You just, you see, get that information. Yeah. I mean, I probably would have swiped right, but I'm just like, I'm picking at all this,

all the, all the, all the possibilities here. Here's an interesting answer from Noel. It's usually creepy, but there's always a 0.01% chance that I accidentally rejected someone and they find me and I'm happy they did. And then I said, how often does this happen? What social media sites do they pursue you most often? And she said, Instagram number one, either a follow or a DM or a Facebook message, which is creepier.

This is another segment or hell, even another podcast idea, but we become some sort of like social code experts. We use the, the people who write into our podcasts, who experience all these dating things and we find, we ask these age old questions. The follow-ups. Yeah. And we. Live follow-ups.

We, we get like a smattering a, what's a scientific word for this? Like we just. Sample size. Yeah. Sample size. We accumulate some data. Yeah. We let people know what the, what the right answer is.

We formulate a hypothesis and we test it. So this person specifically asked, if I see a girl on a dating app that I know in real life, would it come across as, come across as creepy to track her down and send her a message there instead? I feel like the answer is always, are you creepy? Because. Yeah. I'm normal.

Yeah. So if I do it, it's okay. If you're hot and nice, it's good and the ladies will like it and if you're bad and creepy, they won't like it. Yeah. If you're, if you generally creep people out and creeps, you know who you are. If you're a creep and this is how you, if you know you're a creep, if you don't know if you're a creep, maybe you're a creep.

Ooh. Yeah. So like, you know you're not a creep and if someone's like, oh, I don't know if I am a creep. Am I a creep? Your nails are so long, Cyrus. If your name is Cyrus, for example, you're a creep. Why does Facebook, I also heard that Facebook makes it creepier because it's like a personal,

it's like almost like finding them on a public listing page rather than just their Instagram. I don't know why it is, but it's true. Maybe it's because like Facebook has so much information on it. Yeah. So when you get a message on Facebook, you're like, wow, this is like, I don't know, it's almost like knocking on your door and then like somebody talking to you on Instagram is like, that's sort of like a flirtation at a bar. That one's more normal.

Have you ever done this? Back in the day, I would write Facebook messages, but this is pre-Instagram. But from a dating app? Oh no. I wouldn't like see somebody on a dating app and then find, I don't even think I ever like tried to follow someone on Instagram after seeing them on Tinder. Yeah. I would not do this.

I think I followed somebody and I was like, oh, we didn't match. I'll follow them and hope they notice me. But they didn't. Right. The dating app is a good litmus test as to whether or not they're interested. Yeah. I would definitely not DM or message someone I didn't know after seeing them on a dating app.

That to me is creepy as fuck. I would only do it if it was somebody that I had a relationship with already. So you're ready to upgrade this to creepy AF? Now that I understood, if that's like the way the question is phrased, like saw someone on Tinder then, but they didn't match and he wants to like DM them on some form of social media. Yeah. I think that's too creepy.

Well, the results, like we said earlier, are in on Twitter and 70% say creep. But 30% said it's fine and sometimes it says it's a accidentally rejected someone. They find me and I'm happy they did. Even if there's a 70% chance of you being a creep, maybe it's fine because three out of 10 times it leads to an amazing relationship. I don't trust the Twitter poll because I think some guys took it. I think some guys answered just to see what was what. Yeah.

30% all from dudes saying it's totally fine. Yeah. I bet that number is higher if we actually... 18% from guys named Cyrus. Yep. Clicking with their very, very long, filthy fingers. Somebody said it's only creepy if it's you. So that's...

There you go. That hurts to hear. It goes along with my theory, are you a creep? Yeah. So yes. Yeah, I'm trying to see if there's any other interesting. I've seen people's bios be like DM me because I don't check the app. So that would be an example of when it's not creepy.

Yeah. And I've also heard of people using Bumble or dating apps to just grow their Instagram numbers. Have you seen that? Oh, no. Or it's like a lot of really attractive pictures like, hey, I don't check this app, but add me on Instagram. That's so funny.

That makes sense. I should do that. Yeah, that makes a ton of sense. Yeah. Hey, I don't check this app, but come to our Montreal show. That's a smart idea. Yeah. Well, is that flagged for...

That's my to innovation pitch now, actually. That's good. Just using Tinder as mobile advertising. All right, let's switch gears a little bit and talk about female orthodontistry questions. Of course. Female orthodontistry questions. Did you ever have a female orthodontist? No, my orthodontist name was Dr. Kim and it was a man.

Oh, that's good. So let's call this lady Kim. Cool. Dr. Kim writes, brace yourself for a sticky situation. Nice. I'm a 19-year-old college student and I'm about to get braces in a few days. I haven't been completely bummed about it because a lot of people have been trying to reassure me that about them, even though I'll have them on for at least two years, I just have

one silly problem. In addition to the braces, I'll be getting an expander at the top of my mouth for about six months. If I go on word, I won't be able to participate in oral sex. I'm pretty much single and I'm afraid this might be a deal breaker for some. Am I overreacting? I do like to give oral to guys. I'd appreciate any sort of advice.

Thanks. P.S. Amir, you had braces, right? How was that experience? Yeah. How was giving all those dudes head? I actually didn't give any dudes head. Right. You?

What I would do is I'd put the little expander key on their cock and every month when I had to crank it open a little bit, I'd give someone a head. I love it. Did you ever have an expander? Yeah, I did. That's so fucking archaic. I had that shit too. I mean, is it archaic?

I don't think people are still getting it. I know, but it seems so like medieval. It's like a metal plate. A torture device. It's a metal plate on the roof of your mouth and every week or two, I guess my mom would just stick a little key in and give it a half turn and it would slightly expand your teeth so subtly. Basically, it felt like someone was pushing your teeth and your teeth would be sore and

hurt for like a day or two after. Of course. I never had the key. My sister did. I think my orthodontist maybe expanded it once or something. But that's what braces were too. You had braces on and then every month you would go and they would tighten it, right? Yep, tighten it and then also you had the bands.

The bands would pull your jaw. Oh yeah, the bands that went from top to bottom. Jesus. As science not figured out a way to move teeth instantly, like a nose job up for your teeth. It's like, we can give you braces for three years or I can break your fucking mouth right now and reset all your teeth. It's like veneers.

They grind all your teeth down and they put caps on it. No, I want them to remove all my teeth and put them back in an orderly fashion. Yeah, maybe. I think your teeth are connected to nerves and stuff. It's probably pretty hard. Yeah. But when your teeth have to be connected to nerves, maybe they shouldn't, but then you could just bite stuff without worrying about it hurting.

Have you ever heard of the braces that go on the inside of your mouth? Like I think that's what some actors do. Well people also do the Invisalign stuff. Yeah, but Invisalign only works for a minor adjustment, so I don't think they're straight up braces. Gotcha. Braces are like metal wires that'll eventually move your teeth over years. So painful.

Yeah. And then you go to the orthodontist and you're like, is this the day I'm going to get it off? Is this the day I'm going to get it off? They're like, let's go three more months. Oh, that ruined my summer doc. Awesome. Thanks, man.

The doctor doesn't care because he sees kids all the time. For you, it's a fucking death sentence. When I got my braces on, they didn't put the wire in the top right away. They just put the brackets on. They were like, it's going to hurt your teeth too much because they did the bottom bracket and they were like, well, we're not going to put the wire in the top. So I just had the fucking, the bracket stuff glued to my top teeth, we're doing nothing for like, I don't know how long it was.

It must have been a year and a half before the doctor said, oh shit. I think it was, I legit think it was like a month or maybe it was weeks, but like, it's weird. You don't really have a sense of time when you're 13. It's hard. It's a weird, tough thing. How long did you have your braces on for? I think three, or no, two and a half years maybe.

Second, eighth grade to like 10th ish. I remember I like got my braces off and my license in the same month. I glowed up. Best month ever. It really was. I had braces late. I had like from 10th until right before college. This lady is 19 getting them.

So I never even thought about like sex stuff when I was having braces. Having braces in college is tough, but I think as creepy as this sounds, some dudes are like, think braces are cute, are into it. Yeah, you said that once, right? Yeah, I'm creepy. I like braces. I think they're cute. But the expander too, would that ruin dome?

I'm uniquely equipped to answer this question because one of the first blowjobs I ever received was from somebody with an expander. Jesus. And I take six months off. Take the time. It was grinding. Yeah. I had a little cheese grinder in her mouth.

I had a cut afterwards. From the expander. Yeah. It was like so early on in my blowjob time that I didn't know that it wasn't supposed to hurt a little. I was like, yeah, it's pretty good. It's a little painful, but I liked it. She grinded and grinded and grated the roof of my dick.

Yeah. I went home and I like found dried blood on my underwear on my dick and it was not bueno. I think they have little expansion packs for your expander so you can put like a little gummy palate at the top so like make head taste better. Can you really? And then you can put like little other things like that. That sounds like a weird bad idea. That could be your twinnovation idea.

So more teens can give each other oral things. Expander packs. I also remember when my grind guard came, or not the grinder, the expander came off, like all this old food fell out of the roof of my mouth, like a fucking muffin from six months earlier. A mouse lands on your tongue and scurries off. It had built up. And back into my stomach.

A bat had made a little bit of attic house in the roof of your mouth. Insane. Am I just overreacting, writes this lady. She's adequately reacting. Yeah. Yeah. I really don't think you should blow anybody for six months. Wow.

That's also what the orthodontics, orthodontists told her. It's fine. It's not that long at the time, six months. Yeah. Yeah, that's fine. I haven't given head in much longer than that. Since you had your braces. All right.

Braces are fine, right? Because they're on the outside of your teeth. Yeah. That don't get in the way. You're right there. What if you like sort of mush your tongue against the top of your palate expander, or the bottom of it? Can you blow someone that's under your tongue and then hitting the floor of your mouth?

You probably wouldn't be able to get the dick very deep if it's under your tongue. Yeah. It goes back an inch or two. Yeah. I mean, I'm sure the guy would like it fine. Sure. Of course. If you lick someone's dick and without putting it in your mouth, it's still pretty sweet.

That's also what the orthodontists told her. Whoa, you are arresting me, which is fine. I get that a lot. I deserve this. I'm not here for sex advice at all. All right, so take a little break. Don't worry. Some guys like braces.

You know what? It seems like a long time now, but you're going to have great teeth going forward. It'll be much better than long run. Remember to wear your retainer afterwards. Don't undo all the work. Which is what happened to you? Yeah. Well, my dog ate my retainer, so it wasn't really like anything I could do.

But you weren't rushing to get a new one. Well, I went two days. That's what the earliest my orthodontist could see me. And then you got a new retainer? Yeah, I have a new retainer, but it is as crooked as my teeth are now, so there's not really a point in wearing it. Wow, one of your teeth just fell out. All right, let's take a break.

We'll be back with more questions and answers after this. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist, is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place, and it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist, especially one in your area. But BetterHelp makes that all easy because it's online therapy designed to be convenient, flexible, and suitable to your schedule.

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Thank you, Squarespace. And we're back. What's up? Your mom started a business. Yeah. My mom is a 21st century woman and she hasn't paid for an advertisement. So we can't quite talk about what that business is, but we assure you it is an interesting one.

And if you do your due diligence, perhaps you can find what that business is. And until I got cash from your mama. I actually promised us a percentage of sales. Proceed. This is her wits. You showed your hand. You've overplayed it and underplayed it. What is it?

What's the biz? My mother has made the best cookies in the world. I can attest to that. As long as I've been alive and probably before, and I recently implored her to start selling them, and she is going to, from the domain name, jakesmomscookies.blogspot.org. Backslash. Cookie. Bitly.cbz.

No, it's just jakesmomscookies.com. Yeah. And if you live in America, you can order them. Which you should. Which you should. Which you should. You can order my mother's cookies. She's going to bake you a batch lovingly and send them to you.

So up until now, the only way to eat jakesmomscookies was to know Jake personally. Like I did. And I got to eat the cookies, and they are the best cookies ever. They remain soft forever. And if you are lucky enough to eat them fresh, they're the best thing you've ever tasted. And I've actually, I've frozen them and microwaved them, and they hold up pretty dang good there, too. You can at least see the pictures of these cookies.

I mean, my God, they are thick, soft, and delicious. And oh, so chewy and chocolatey. But now, best part yet, you can actually have Jake's mom make you cookies. Which is insane. And deliver them. And she'll deliver them, send them to you overnight. Send them to you. Jesus.

This website looks great, by the way. It's a Squarespace. Did you make it? No, my sister did. Very good. Yeah. Order what? Order what?

Micah. Order a dozen of Jake's mom's cookies, and they'll be perfectly packaged and delivered to your doors. What if we just sell like a thousand? Your mom able to fulfill a thousand orders? I very much doubt it. I think she said she wanted to do a limited run. Okay.

So I don't want, mm. Okay. So we say there's a limited run, get them all you can. No, let's get a thousand in. If she gets a thousand orders, we'll figure something out. Yeah. If she gets a thousand orders, I'm going to be fucking rich with the RevSplit. Yeah.

90-10 in our favor. Mother, you should have never signed the podcasting agreement. Oh, mother. We own everything. We own everything. Oh, mother. We own your children. Mother.

Rachel, Sarah, and Liza are my daughters now, mother. I have them pulled in hand over fist, mother. Samuel isn't just my daddy. He's my husband, mother. I've stolen everything from you, mother, including the love for me, mother. Now no one loves me more than I do. They're my cookies, mother. I'm now baking them, mother.

Why is this happening? I don't know the recipe, mother. You're shoving me in the oven, mother. It burns. Oh, so good, mother. Jake is in the cookies. Yes. So you can get them right now, jakesmomscookies.com.

Holy shit, I have a good feeling about this. I feel like how many, what's the most cookies your mom has made in one time, like a hundred for a bake sale or something? Probably. I think she makes, I bet she's only ever made like 50 to 100 max, maybe for like a swim meter of bake sale. Yeah. We are about to put her to work.

That'd be great. Yeah, that'd be so dope. But it might, we could help my mom retire as a teacher and just be a fucking baker. Well she sells 10,000 cookies a day. She'll be a millionaire in five years. That's not bad. It's not bad at all. Cool.

Well, maybe I'll order some because I do like them. That'd be nice. I'd appreciate it if you would support my mother. Do you want to say how much they cost? 22.50. Wow. Did you decide on that price point? It's less than $2 a cookie?

Yeah. You can charge more. Are you fool? I didn't decide on the price point. She did, but. Change it. She's costing me profits, mother. The margins are too slim, mother.

I'm afraid we're not maximizing revenue, mother. They're slender like my waist, mother. Oh, there's a poll quote from you. What did I say? I love these cookies almost as much as I love my mother herself, writes Jake Hurwitz. You know me. That's saying a lot. These cookies are great.

At the very least, go to the website, jakesmomscookies.com, and see how nicely it looks, and then order some. I don't know. Send us a Snapchat or a tweet of you eating them. I bet you can add them to the website. At the very least, go order them and then promote it on social media? Yeah, if you can. At the very least, damn, Daniel, these do look great.

Karen, Karen, you'll, Karen, we should bring some to Montreal. Oh, that's a solid idea. Did you remember to pack your passport? I have not packed yet, but I'm going to pack my passport for sure. What's the weather like in Montreal? I always enjoy it a lot. It's like a little cooler than New York City. It doesn't get too hot.

It's temperate and sunny and nice and kind. So it's 130 there today and it's hailing. Is it going to go? Tomorrow's low is four. Wow. Yeah, and that's a sleet. That's an ice rain. It's the asteroid from Armageddon weather scenario.

It's bad. It's a nasty, nasty weather and now that I pull it up, I was on Celsius. It's actually 412 Fahrenheit. I mean, it's the core of the earth. It's absolutely magma there. It is a little rainy, but on Tuesday, it should clear up. Just in time for our show. Highs in the 70s, low in the 60s.

I mean, that's just a really nice weather. Yeah, that's a nice long-sleeve shirt weather. Oh, weather. Oh, you're making cookies weather. All right, should try to answer some more questions. Yeah, I'm ready. We got to get out of here. It's a Sunday after all.

Dating app and braces we did. Oh, here's a... Do you want to answer something on crushing and something on Batman? Ooh, I guess I'm curious. I want to... Batman. Okay. From another lady.

Let's call her mother. Mother writes. Mother here. I really like superheroes. Like, I'm really into superheroes. I get excited when new movies come out. I read the comics and I get into heated debates with close friends about who would win or lose fights. But here's the problem.

I met a guy and he's actually nice and intelligent enough that I don't hate everything. There's actually only one problem. He's really into Batman. And I hate Batman with a passion. He's easily the worst superhero in my opinion because if you take away his money, what do you have? A bitch in a bat suit. If you weren't bit by a radioactive spider or hit with lightning that contains the speed force, I can't take you seriously as a superhero.

Of course, this is just my opinion. But when I told him that I didn't really like Batman, he kind of brushed it off and said, that's just because you don't know a lot about it. I had told him... I had not told him about my obsession because my family said it was weird and I didn't want to scare him away. So should I correct him and tell him that I actually do know a lot about it because I've liked superheroes since elementary school?

Or should I just keep lying so he thinks that he's teaching me something? Especially since I probably know more than him. Any advice is helpful. Love mother. Mother, don't let a mansplain superheroes to you. I say you keep your trap shut and pretend he's telling you the things for the first time. Don't be yourself. Be his.

You'll never have a husband if you belittle him. By saying that you know shit. Yeah, I think that's the root of the problem. Not the Batman issue. It's the fact that you're hiding your true self from this guy. Do you like Batman? Yeah, I like Batman. I don't think he's the strongest superhero because obviously he's not.

But I feel like you can definitely... I don't think she should be writing off Batman as completely worthless. I think you can debate it with the guy. If you have heated debate with your friends, then you should have one with this dude. Maybe he'll change your mind. I think Batman, you take away his money and you have a man who really cares about justice. And I think that's a pretty noble fucking thing. Yeah, I feel like he's not a superhero.

It seems like he's just a hero in a suit. Like if I was in a bad suit, would that be good? A winter hero. Yeah, I mean, he's a hero. I don't think maybe he's not a superhero. This is the debate you should be having with him. You should tell him what you really like and how much you really like. Maybe he can learn more about you and maybe he can learn more about Batman.

I actually asked my friend who's a huge comic book nerd if Batman is not really liked by super nerds like this girl or if that's an unpopular opinion. And he said that if anything, nerds go out of their way to defend Batman too much. Super nerds love Batman. Yeah, I thought that Superman is too easy. He's just can't be killed except for by a weird little rock. Yeah, if you don't have a rock fucked.

He's the strongest, fastest. He can fly, shoot lasers, be invisible. Didn't he reverse time once? Yep, he made the Earth spin the other way and he reversed time. That seems like an easy way out. That seems like it's not good writing. A little doosex mocking a right thing. Yeah, it's like inserting something that you can just

Oh, by the way, he can reverse time. So that's what he can do too. Batman is a little maybe a little bit more nuanced. He makes it a little more accessible because he's a normal person. He can he can die. He's got a secret identity which is kind of fun. Yeah, all right. So two issues, one, Batman's fine and two, you are fine

to tell your boyfriend that you love superheroes. Yeah, I think you should enter the debate with an open mind. That's my one caveat. Did you ever see Batman versus Superman? I did. Who won? I'll tell you who won. Not the audience.

We lost. It was awful. I saw it three times. I must have lost 60 bucks at the box. I mean, I think Lex Luthor won. I believe and I honestly, I watched it and I can't remember but I'm pretty positive. Well, I know that Batman won because Superman's dead.

But then like Batman didn't really win because he was duped into thinking Superman was evil. Yeah. Killed him. It was so bad. I feel like any superhero movie can be great or bad depending on who writes it. I don't love Batman but I love the Christopher Nolan Batman.

Right. For the most part, every action movie now is dope because the action scenes are so real and awesome. Yeah. You make it or break it with the writing. You're kind of an action movie connoisseur and that you watch as many as possible. What would you say is the best and the worst?

Ooh. The best? Probably the Christopher Nolan Batman. Like The Dark Knight, I don't think anything beats. The Avengers is more fun and I really like that. Right. You like Guardians of the Galaxy? Yeah. But I usually like a grittier movie.

You like Deadpool? Yeah, I like to Deadpool a lot. The worst one? The worst? Suicide Squad. Jonah Hex. Assassin's Creed. What's that one with Channing Tatum and Mila Kunis? I really see them all.

They're fucking... You almost walked off the plane during one. It was so bad. That was November Man. The emergency exit row. Just desperately trying to get the door open. Let me off of this plane. I've had enough.

Alright, let's try to answer another question before we get the F.O. This one's right up your alley. I'm a 24-year-old guy. Perfect. Just like me. What about your brother? Oh, he did just turn 24. Even better. Micah writes, I'm a 24-year-old guy

and currently in a relationship with an amazing girl for about a year and a half now. It's the first time I've ever found someone that has every quality I look for in a person. She's smart, beautiful, funny. And we have many in-depth conversations and a great sex life. However, my problem is that I wind up getting some feelings

for every attractive girl I meet. I remember hearing Jake say once that he imagines a life together with every girl he meets. I feel like that, and I have the same problem. I don't ever cheat on my girlfriend, but when I'm crushing on other girls, I feel like I'm emotionally cheating on her. It's to the point where I feel like

I can't even be friends with other girls because I feel like I'm cheating. This happens to me every long-term relationship, but I really want to make this one work since she's perfect for me. How do I stop having crushes on every girl? Am I an asshole? Is this a more common thing that I think?

Or are some people just not built for monogamy? Help. It's a heavy one to end the show on. Yeah. One thing you said to me, there was a girl that I really liked and let's call her Maya. Because that was her name.

I should go out with Maya. She's everything. She's perfect. Maya's problem is that she's not 12 other girls. Okay. That really resonated with me. It made me realize even though somebody's perfect for me, doesn't mean they're perfect for me right now.

I see. I stayed single for a little while. Maybe this guy is too young to settle down. I think it sounds like your heart's still racing, man. And just because you found somebody that's really great doesn't mean that they're right for you in this moment.

Especially if you're feeling guilty because you can't stop having feelings for so many people. Maybe you got to treat it like a buffet. Like you're starving. You're like, just give me all the food I want at all. And then eventually you'll become so sick of eating. You're like, all I really want is one good meal.

And that's when you go back to this person with your tail between your legs and you beg her for another chance. She's already fucking engaged to a guy who was already emotionally ready for her at age 24. Or hell, she might be enjoying the buffet. And that's fine too because sometimes you're out of Vegas buffet

and sometimes you're at chicken pot pie. Yeah, if you can eat sensibly up the buffet you could do that the rest of your goddamn life. But me, I got eyes bigger than my stomach and I want the pot pie. I want the pancakes. I want the eggs and I want the cheese. You're just thinking about food now, right? What do you say to do for this dude?

It seems like you can't stop crushing on girls. You can't convince yourself not to crush. But maybe he is at a point in his life that he's not ready to settle down. Maybe he's got to just, you know, indulge himself

in these crushes. I actually don't know, we don't know here if he's able to get the girls or if he just crushes on them. What if it's an unattractive dude and he actually found someone who's like I keep having crushes on other girls but it's not like he'll end up hooking up with any of them.

That's interesting. Well, he should still, I feel like he should still see it through. It is hard to tell a 24 year old who has crushes on every girl to settle down because that's not going to happen. Yeah, I think when you're 24 it's okay if you're not ready to settle down. It's okay ever if you're not ready to settle down.

Especially now. Yeah, but I wonder if there's a way to convince your brain not to have crushes on people. Is that like a therapy thing? We keep talking about therapy. Can a therapist tell you not to have crushes? Or would a therapist say to let your,

there's a Mary Oliver poem and one of the lines in it is let the soft animal of your heart love what it loves. I think that's the line. Let the soft animal. But can you change your heart if your heart is ultimately destroying you?

Mary Oliver? Yeah, well Mary Oliver was much more wholesome and I think she was talking about like nature rather than fucking lots of people. Oh wow. I just matched with Mary Oliver. Is she alive still? I think every poet is dead.

That's interesting. How fucked up is that? I think Mary Oliver is still alive. Good for her. Yeah, she's still got it. Maybe, maybe Jake is right. Maybe you're not ready for this monogamy thing. Not that you're not built for it, but you're not ready for it now. Let the soft animal of your body.

Sorry to interrupt. Let the soft animal of your body love what it loves. The soft animal of your body. She's saying that this guy's not ripped or anything. That he's a little fucking teddy bear. I think so. I think Mary Oliver needs a fucking stud.

Yeah, well she died in 2009. I'm so fucking sorry to hear that. She's 81. Good for Mary. You know what, she's a fox to me. So you're not an asshole. It is a common thing. Some people not built for monogamy.

Maybe some people are not. Remember we had Gabby Donnery on recently. She said she's not built for monogamy. It's totally possible to not be built for monogamy. Maybe there's a polyamory. I think there's a girl someday that's going to really make you turn it off. Yeah, a lady that's so good. She's better than having crushes.

She's been a lesbian for four years. Who knows? Let us know. Keep us posted. Let the soft animal of your body love. What else did you have to think before we got the F out? We got to thank the Toppo boy. For sending us some sweet swag. You had a Toppo shirt in an Instagram post recently.

I have mad Toppo shirts. I love Toppo. I'm wearing Toppo shorts right now. And they made a little unique URL for us? Yeah, I don't know if it actually tracks anything. But you guys could check out Toppo because it's just stuff that we wear. Do you know the URL?

They sent us backpacks. ToppoDesigns. If I were you. If you go to ToppoDesigns. If I were you, you can check out what they have. It's like an outdoor adventure clothing and accessory. Yeah, dude. It's like mountain meets urban.

Classic meets modern. Outdoor fashion. Lifetime warranty. Shout out to John. Thanks for the backpacks, boss. The shirt's coming. Keep the shorts coming. Hell, I need a bathing suit and I want a hat. I want a knife and a fucking short.

I really want a kayak and a hog. I want a tent and a lunchbox and a hammock and a slap on the ass, John. I want a pale and a vest, bitch. Oh, he no longer sending us anything. Of course.

They took down the URL. Nor do we deserve it. I want a fleece on the fucking palette expander. Yabish. All right. This has been a fun week. We're going to be in Montreal. I don't know what else to say. Starting tomorrow. Starting tomorrow.

If you're listening to this. America was nice where we're going to give Canada a try. We're coming with a lot of our friends. Check us out there. If you live far, far away, we'll be back on the podcast as always every Monday. Tota for listening. If you have your own questions, your own theme songs, submissions, send them all over to

IfIReviewShow at gmail.com Oh, Teddy Weeks opened us up with a Jake-themed theme song and he's going to close it with an Amir-themed theme song. Thanks to Teddy. Thanks to everybody for writing in. Thanks to you guys for listening.

We'll be back soon. Tota au revoir as they say in Montreal. We'll see you next week. Bonjour. We'll see you next week. That was a headgum podcast.