If I Were You - 286: Lightning Round 3 (w/Geoffrey James + Interns!)

Episode Date: August 7, 2017

In this special episode we grab Geoffrey James and HeadGum Interns to discuss nectarines, flying, freshmen, basketball, hamburgers, wallets, masturbation, Tinder, showers, swearing, and Los Angeles! Thanks to Reilly, Nic, Saba, Santos, Eagle, Lauren, John George, and Dylan for stopping by.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. All you gotta do is listen to the don't revise I'ma do the things that they want me to Cause I'm insecure and in total too I eat my candy with the pork and beans Excuse my manners if I seize that cheese The onions as opposed to we like And nature bars is pretty fucking tight

Chick-A-Speel, yeah, it's never been fake It's if I were you with a beer and shake Rock and roll dude Thank you, thank you, thank you Jeffrey James I liked it a lot I didn't know it was a Weezer cover You didn't know it was a Weezer cover?

I'm not like a big Weezer head I like them That's sort of like a not a very popular Weezer song That's not a Weezer song I would know, yeah That's a C cut I would say Not even a B Well it was like their single off of a, you know, a not great album Yeah, was it like the Red Album or like Malachylate or something?

I liked the Red Album though, but whatever I was about to give him daps for like writing an original Yeah, that happens to me a decent amount on the show actually I'm like really, like this is amazing That happened during one of the Hamilton ones Oh, yeah It was my shot, I didn't get it That was actually written by Alex McGuire

Weezer cover theme to pork and beans Just released a new EP on iTunes called Anxious Acid Nice Well I haven't heard it yet I don't want to commit to any compliments quite yet It's a racist diatribe Today's special day at Head Gum because it's our interns last day

So we thought it'd be fun to do a little lightning round episode Answer as many Twitter questions as possible Get as many interns in the room as possible Jeff, not an intern anymore So we figured we'd start with you Start with the old guard to bring out a new Which is, yeah, it's a good idea We'll answer

You say that like you don't mean it Yeah, I mean it's You're playing Tetris on your phone It's a high score as all You have no other apps How did you delete the phone? I deleted notes, yeah This is insane, those are native

You had to hack it What is it, jail broke? Yeah, so what I did was I like Designed this background that like hides the other apps So the apps are on there, you just can't find them I'm the only one that's Tetris Alright, let's try to answer some questions Before we kick your ass out of here

I tweeted recording a lightning round ep of our podcast So these are not emails that we got These are tweets I've got a first one right off the bat This one's an easy one Nectarenes, yay or nay Also, are women better off without men? Like if they find one to make a baby

Then go on their own Better off? Question mark? That was one tweet? Yeah That was 140 characters? Yeah Nectarenes plus the women, huh?

Yeah Where do you stand on nectarines? I think if they're in season, they're good But those specifically when they're out of season Are bad, very bad They're like a little dry Dry, taut Small, yeah

Our nectarines, I think are the right thing Are cuties nectarines? Yeah, I think so Or that kind of thing Cuties are tall, like Cuties are tangerines? Mandarin? Tangerine, not tangerines

What are the fucking small oranges? I thought those are nectarines No, no, no, no Nectarenes are like a peach Oh, I was totally Clementines, cuties are clementines Yeah, I was saying that Those are always good

Well, sometimes they're like so Sometimes they feel like a little nut sack Like the Which I'm not about to fucking eat Like you can feel like the I don't like grapes There's like the rind Very small

And then there's like air in between that Sure Yeah, like I don't like that That's not, that's like a That one's too dried up Well, you don't eat the skin You peel it off Yeah, but like, you know

It's gotta be right up against the skin For it to remain juicy I want it to be like squirty You know, like a fucking cock What? I don't want it to be more of a cock And then a nut sack is off Anyway, are women better off

Without fucking guys like me? I don't think so No way Who's gonna take control of a situation When shit gets Hits the fan Who's gonna buy the Nectarenes? Who's gonna step to that

Fool at the bar Who's looking at my girl? Cuties did a good job of Rebranding clementines They should just do that to any Fruit that like a lot of people don't like What's the fruit that nobody likes though? Everybody likes fruit

Yeah, but like Durian Like, yeah, like So you didn't know what You didn't know what a nectarine was So maybe if they're called like Nice little boys And that's like

You know what that is Yeah He already expressed it Like disinterest because It feels like a ball sack And you want to eat something called Nice little boys I was just saying

Instead of nectarines I know what you're saying That's what I'm taking issue with That's what we're saying Cutie Cutie is like gender ambiguous You want to make nice little boys I guess

Ladies need men Or they could just Get a baby if they want And live their life I don't know I've never heard of such a thing Like a straight woman Be like

I just don't want to have a guy I'll get pregnant and not use one Yeah, well what if the baby's a boy You're gonna need your son Now you're shit out of luck Going into a good man If you raise him right I think you might need that little fucker

What if it's a girl Alright, let's see Another question There was one other one That I thought was really good Do you see one about utensils anywhere? I thought that would be a good one for Jeff Oh

Why? You're a utensil hound It was like about home improvement And I was like oh I feel like You know your way around Taran Owen Smith style Yeah You know every kid on that show

Had three names What? Zachary Ty Bryan No every kid All the sons He's a kid at heart True that Good man

Tim Howard Allen You've seen Santa Claus too Not one though And then what were the other ones? Oh Zachary Ty Bryan Taran Noah Smith And Jonathan Taylor Thomas Whatever I'm gonna

Jonathan Taylor Thomas You never hear about that guy It's all Zachary Ty Bryan this And Taran Noah Smith that I wonder what Zachary Ty Bryan says I don't think it's either of those things either I don't know where any of them are People have a reunion on our show

Oh Why? That's a good point Good point There's nothing that's This is the first time you've probably Mentioned home improvement on this show I'll back off it

I can't find the utensil one So here we go Here's an interesting one Window or aisle Window or aisle if you're flying You know your boy's sitting in the aisle I can't do the window I freak out

I pee probably six to seven times On like a five hour flight That's fair He didn't say six to seven He said sixty seven Yeah Oh That's very low

I hate to pee out the window You do window or aisle? I do window I have like a very strategic thing Because usually I'm either flying between LA and New York Or LA and Cleveland I don't go anywhere else

So I'm just like I'll just not sleep that much The night before Like I'll get three hours And then I sleep the whole five hours And I do get the window So I can rest my head on it So you purposefully exhaust yourself

So you can sleep on an airplane What about just being awake on the plane And like doing work Or watching a movie Because I get claustrophobic Because then I get claustrophobic And then I get anxious And I'm like why the fuck

This is five hours feels like five hours Versus five hours feeling like thirty minutes So you need to sleep You can't like what about I mean watching a movie That makes the flight go by pretty quick Yeah But you can do that at home

So do that Well it's more comfortable to sleep at home That's why I'm going This is the closest conversation we've ever had To actual Jeff the dumb ass That's why I'm going middle Best of both worlds I'm exhausted, tired, and claustrophobic

I can't pee I can't rest my head on the window Why are you watching a movie? That's weird No I'm reading a play And guess what I'm eating Fences

A devil day Just one Is that for a nutsack? That little demon Alright Should we try to get We gotta get some more people in here Do you want to grab somebody?

Yeah who should I grab? Riley? Riley Alright Riley Thanks for your time Namaste Yeah absolutely We should have you on for a full episode We need more Jeff

Of George Of George Absolutely of George I think the first time I said that Was on the show Really? Well I said it in passing before But like publicly

That's cool The debut Was on the podcast Yeah Alright Let's go get Anspaugh Welcome to the show Riley

Thank you for having me Oh hi Riley Oh You seem so unhappy that I'm here Oh just get out of here Riley Dude We're trying to answer as many questions as possible Great

Do you think you can help us out? I think I can do my best We found one that has to do with a freshman Going to college for the first time You're in college right? Mhmm Okay But you're not a freshman

For the first time? For the first time yeah That's awesome I'm gonna be a senior Okay So see if you can answer See if you can help out this freshman Moving into the dorms for the first time

Brooke writes What's something I should bring to college as a freshman Moving into the dorms for the first time Something you wouldn't expect to need Oh that's great Actually Riley I got this Okay Yeah

Books I didn't expect it No one expects it Ooh A good attitude Wow That's really nice That's really cool

No but actually like you know I'll joke I'll joke aside Oh totally Thank God No I think like be ready to like Have a college experience That's not what you expect in the dorms

Because I feel like people romanticize it a lot And sometimes it is actually pretty shitty How was your dorm life? My dorm life was My freshman roommate was amazing Oh you got lucky I got really lucky No well we met each other on like

The Facebook group Okay Cupid Dated on and off We didn't So there was like a Facebook group Of incoming freshmen Yeah And you just like

Friended somebody like Yeah it was a lot of like people Doing bios of like I'm 18 My favorite color is blue You know I'm kind of different I like to watch Netflix Do you want a roommate with me

And we're just like Yeah I'm also not like other girls I also watch Netflix Am I crazy? Let's live together Is that how it happens? We did not get that when we went to Yeah

It was totally random On paper we like wrote I like to wake up early Yeah Like you had like five things And you got matched with Your roommate by the school Based on that

We had that too Social media Yeah this was pre-Facebook So there was very random So you got to choose who you wanted Based on the Facebook group You're like alright let's link up And tell the college

Yeah because then you could send in Things like you can make a request If you want to room with someone So we just found each other Interesting Cool so Good attitude Good attitude

And a smile maybe Yeah and shower sandals So that you don't get athletes For sure yeah that's disgusting If you don't wear those We had co-ed bathrooms Did you guys have that? That's hot

Easy Imagine taking a fat dump Next to a random woman Taking a shower That's the sexiest thing I've ever heard Alright one more question Yeah If you could have any animal

Perch on your shoulder Wow This comes from E.B. Burgbrain Okay You could have any animal Perch on your shoulder Pirate style What would it be?

Mine's a bat That's not my answer That's Burgbrain's answer Dog Always Just like a big dog, small dog Medium sized dog Well I think like if there are no rules

No rules at all Like just a giant dog We can't have a dog No rules except that you can't have a dog Not even gravity An Alaskan Malamute Yeah Like a huge ass

Actually you know it would be If we're going all out there A sperm whale Like if you could actually have that Perch on your shoulder And not feel it That would be insane That'd be cool

Why do you say not feel it? I'm just They didn't specify either which way And do you imagine a little sperm whale Or an actual No like full size 40 yards 19 metric tons

On your shoulder Yeah So bring that to the fucking dorm Let's have a night Yeah dude You walk in there And someone hosing down a whale I love Netflix

This is college Thank God I brought my good attitude Or else I'd be pissed about this whale In the dorm Let's watch Netflix dude And chill I'll do a little shrimp That's so easy

Yeah a little shrimp If you could be like any animal And you'd choose something very feasible Like you could just actually do Oh yeah you do have a little crawd Roughish on your Look at that Your mind is so small

You think inside the box Color within the line Brush that shrimp off your shoulder Going out for you He doesn't even use color Like he likes the black and white coloring Like this looks pretty neat as is It's just a finished picture book

In his mind Yeah they've already maximized the drawing I don't have to add color to this This is done Alright thanks for answering two questions for us Cool thank you guys Who do you want to bring up here Um let's do

Thickalus Nice Thickalus Good call will you go grab Thickalus Yeah I'll go get him Thank you guys Good work Sitting into the studio now is

Nicholas aka Thickalus Heyo How's it going Good I'm feeling great Yeah company party went well Thickalus is a nickname you came up with right Yeah cause he's fucking like

Stacked Jacked 350 pounds 5'8 And when you say the company party went well What do you mean by that I'd say it was a success The Twitch stream was not Compromising for anyone

And the after party was remembered Yeah Got it Well I remember the questions Yeah I think That checks out We're trying to get through some Quick Twitter hit questions

This one says right up your alley Let me see if I can pick your brain When playing pick up basketball With a girl Is it more respectful to go 100% Or take it a little bit easier And what if she posts up on you It writes James Geisbrecht

Alright I'll take the first part first I think if you You're gonna shoot full effort Don't purposefully miss ever That's just demoralizing Yeah no point in giving Disrespectful

Yeah It's illegal I think it is illegal Yeah someone can Cost you for that But yeah I definitely would not Like try to cross someone over

In that sense Like ankle breaking is off the table But I do think some casual like Maybe play like pig or horse That's Oh this is talking about a 5 on 5 pick up basketball game 5 on 5 pick up basketball

And she's guarding you Oh that did happen Are you serious That did happen That did happen with Marty I guess I played 100% I don't know Treat him the exact same

Yeah But if you get posted up I think that's on them Yeah You're bumping down low And all that Oh yeah Hard in the paint

Elbows throwing wildly Not giving it Alright This happened to me once But it didn't really matter Because she was better than me Yeah And she ended up hurting me

Who How badly It was like a Saturday morning game And she was like She played like very rough And she was like elbowing me in the ribs Yeah Wow

Alright And then you're fired up Woo At the same time Yeah I can't I felt bad retaliating I think it's a lose-lose In that sense

You're getting beaten up But you can't do anything back How was the lady playing again She was really good actually She was She scored most of the other teams points Yeah You were guarding her

Yeah So I did not do my job Jake do you think it's more fair to play 100% Or to take it easy I guess If it's a If it's five on five

And it's like one of the girls You I played a pickup soccer With My dad and a bunch of his friends Yeah Against an Older lady

And I went at her Yeah You tackled her You singled her out Yeah I like that The game was over I took her knees out You got a yellow card

During a fucking friendly Yeah I mean if it's like a If it's like a date If it's like a cute thing I I would say like I'm more on

Thicklist's camp like You You shoot 100% But don't like You know you're not trying to embarrass anybody Yeah There's no need to show off Okay

But five on five Go full effort Yeah Here's another one more question Cool I want a tattoo But can't decide what I want Any suggestions

Should I wait to take the plunge Says styrofoam forever The plunge I mean this seems like something you're really Catered to speak on Yes We are not delving into My tattoo removal process

Thicklist It's underway And it's not going well I'm getting a skin graft And that's all you need to know Do you have any tattoos I do not I don't think I could really pull one off

I always thought I don't think the needle could Pierce your fucking skin 30 inches I don't know I just never really thought it would Would look good If I did get one

I'd always seen this Kind of like wrist tattoo Yeah, good call Not getting one Yeah It starts at your wrist And then it's like trees Like a forest

That goes up And kind of has cool angles But definitely would not fit The rest of me I think you could pull that off Yeah Should I do it today On the podcast

We should have done it last night When you were passed out You could have convinced me What? I mean no We were casually talking And meeting people at the bar When we were discussing

Networking actually Yeah We were talking about the Q3 numbers That's a great report That you filed at the Virgil Yeah I think you were completely white That's what they called it

Yeah, super alert I hate that But yeah No, I've never gotten a tattoo But I do think Something artistic Definitely not something That's time bound

Don't get a name Don't get someone's face Yeah That's just Those are two nodes And try drawing it on yourself For a bit That's a good idea

Or Hanna Hanna Yeah I've done that before Like thought I wanted a tattoo After these ones And like drawn it on my body And like with a Sharpie

And then after a day I'm like I don't want this Yeah Do you remember what you drew? Um I can't Oh, yeah

It was Remember when we took the road trip Across the country Yeah The Tioga The RV that we went in Like had these Just kind of like a cool design

And I drew that on my arm You were going to get an RV pattern Yeah Like their logo It was called the Tioga It was like three triangles It looked kind of cool Kind of

But yeah Of course It was about that Amir, did you ever entertain The ink? Yeah It seemed to be like I want a tattoo

I just don't know what up It seems like it goes the other way around Like I really want a tattoo of this Yeah And I don't know where to put it Or like I don't know when to get it Yeah I think if you don't know what you want

Then you have to get a shitload of tattoos Like I can imagine To cover it up Yeah Like an entire sleeve of tattoos Could look cool Yeah

And it doesn't really Like oh this one's a boat This one's a skull This one's a heart Cause then it's about the whole thing It doesn't matter It's not about the individual pieces Right

But then if you have one tattoo Like I have a single tribal son On my ankle Like you chose this specifically Right What was it about the tribal son That spoke to you I love sublime

What it What it means is I made a huge mistake In what it means I did And I'm paying it every day But nobody ever goes up You did it ironically

Like what's the panther mean Yeah It like looks fucking cool That's what it means Get away from me Exactly Yeah Alright

I think we helped a little bit Sweet I hope so Do you want to bring Another intern friend Who are you thinking Saba He's coming in Thanks guys

Thank you Welcome to the podcast George Saba Sitting in Oh thank you Am I sitting at the right Mike Yes you are Okay cool

I just guessed cause this was The only one pointed to a seat Yes That one's yeah That one's just at the door It's broken actually Oh okay good People might not know

But Saba wrote one of our most Successful headgum videos The noir episode A lot of people talking about it Yes always So now you know the brain behind it Yeah that's me That's right

Can you believe it You're gonna live up to Right Um did you actually write that Or you just commissioned it Uh I commissioned it And plagiarized all the material That's awesome

I googled funny jokes Wow And I just put them in screenplay Format Jake do you have a question Yes I do Okay Okay here we go

Um Oh wait no I lost it I got one Great How soon is too soon to surprise Bay with food Right Ellie Hochman one two five

Have you ever had a bay Has she ever surprised you with food Has it ever been too soon Uh I've been surprised with food by bay And I also surprised Oh it went well Yeah Uh and then I've also been the

Surpreiser Uh but like I think both instances Were like mid into the relationship But I feel like that wasn't necessarily Like too soon or there's I don't think there's a too late Unless you've already broken up That would be too late

Um Yeah is it What is she What is the fear here that you're like Scaring somebody away by making a romantic dinner That would scare me the fuck away How early is too early How soon is too soon to surprise

I don't want to dinner before I've said I love you to a person Wow Hmm I What if it's a cookie Well it's not dinner Well if she said food

Oh Then that's fine Do you remember a specific bay Surprising or was it like a full meal Or was it like hey I got you a taco Nah it was like treats and stuff Oh like buying somebody food is different too Than like cooking something

Yeah that's how I interpret it as buying food Oh yeah I guess it could be anything Yeah surprising with a meal Would be jarring because it's like They've put all this preparation into it But they didn't run it by like what you like Necessarily You'd have to be very very confident

And you're like we imagine surprising somebody With like a pretty bad meal Surprise I made a Potato That's it Single boiled And here's a riesling for you What's your least favorite food Saba

My least favorite food I don't like raw spinach Oh yeah Like it's fine cooked I just don't like the texture Of it raw it's too papery Somebody gives you a raw spinach salad Surprising bay with food I'd be pissed off

You don't know me I've got another food related question actually So this is a nice theme Yeah When surprising a lady for a fancy birthday dinner At a nice restaurant What do you order food wise Mmm good question

It's a really fascinating question So he's worried that he's never been to a dinner And he doesn't know what to order when he gets there You know I often struggle with this Because I'm a very messy eater So I always eat something I can eat with a fork and a knife Like I want to get a sandwich Because I know it's spilling everywhere

I'll get like a steak Where I can cut slowly and eat I'm with you there like Like burgers especially Yeah they're messy I also want to do salads Because I think I take too big of bites of salad Yeah

I get greedy with the fork on the salad Exactly because you want a little bit of everything It's a salad that's the point What was the question He wants to know what to order I feel like people don't know That the food at a fancy restaurant is basically the same as at a shitty restaurant Except they just like write it fancier

It's smaller portions is the difference The real difference Right So the steaks are tiny I would get a few little carrots next to it I think steak is the way to go Steak is always on the menu at a fancy restaurant Burnt well done

Ketchup slathered on top and on bottom And a side of A1 sauce So I can take a shot at the end of the meal Alright last food related question Best item to order at In-N-Out for the first time We're all Californians here You're an LA transplant right? I am a transplant

But I've been to In-N-Out But yeah yeah But did you remember your first In-N-Out was it recent? No it was like It was like three years ago Okay I would say like Does it live up to the hype for you?

It's fine I don't have the nostalgia element at all I think like you I'm very I try to like not seem like I'm new in a place So I ordered it like animal styles If it's something I've done my whole life So I say do that if that's your thing

Like if you're trying to pretend I'm on this kick now Where like I think fries are a waste of time Wow Could not disagree more But I'm interested to hear why you think that I like fries I just like never finish them So for cost efficiency purposes

Like you're better off splitting Or waiting for a friend to get fries And no they're not going to finish them Just having a couple Exactly I would do that because of like Trying not to get fat from the fries But not because I don't care

Like I love fries too much That's why I need to not order them I've never not finished fries Yeah I finish them every single time I get them Oh I finish I guess it's just too starch to me But it's not that like I have a tiny appetite Like I'm a big boy I can't eat

I just like there's a point Also in and out fries aren't that great They're not that good That is true They're like supposedly healthy I guess this question too Like aren't there like three items On the in and out menu

Oh yeah so what are you ordering Oh I guess I get the double double animal style I don't get fries and I get a strawberry milkshake Interesting But the milkshakes are thick Yeah I do double double animal style With grilled onions

Is animal style comes with grilled onions I think so but I'm not sure And then fries Yeah I usually can't do a milkshake and a burger So that's Your first time do you recommend it? Me? Yeah it's never been

I guess you might as well go for it But like for me those are two different Like two completely different things Like eating a burger I also can't have a milkshake At the same time But that's just me Alright I have a delicate Jewish disposition

Of course What's your favorite burger in LA if not in and out I like umami and I like Shake Shack But those are sort of like chainie I haven't found like a just like Honest to good like just burger joint There's only one of us

Burger in LA And then what about where you're from Do you have that at home? Yeah in Cincinnati The best burger I've had is at Terry's Turf Club Shout out to Terry's Turf Club Yeah Guy Fieri with Triple D's been there

So it's already got its fair amount of coverage Four people listening were just like Hell yeah That's what I'm talking about This guy knows Cincinnati burgers They're gonna spread the word to Terry's Turf himself I think it's still owned by Terry Terry Turf?

Yeah You know him Double D Yeah he fell on a fryer He died three weeks ago That's awesome man Alright thanks for coming and answering some food questions Of course Do you want to tap Santos?

Yeah I'll bring him in Alright cool thanks Awesome Let's uh While Santos gets here let's take a break Thanks to more sponsors and we'll be back with more uh Interns Maybe we'll get Geoffrey back to close the show

That's a nice idea This show is sponsored by BetterHelp Thank you BetterHelp If you're finding yourself in a difficult Anxious, stressful situation Talking to a professional licensed therapist Is the best way to navigate yourself out of that Difficult place and

It's not necessarily easy to find a therapist Especially one in your area But BetterHelp makes that all easy Because it's online therapy designed to be convenient, flexible And suitable to your schedule You just fill out a brief questionnaire And get matched with a licensed therapist And you can switch therapists at any time

For no additional charge It's incredibly helpful therapy has helped Millions of people Over thousands of years So give therapy a try It can give you the tools to find a more balanced life I've tried therapy it's been very helpful So you can find that balance better with BetterHelp

All you gotta do is go to betterhelp.com Slash if I were you You do that today you can get 10% off your first month So the prices are already affordable Because you're not paying rent for a building somewhere That you have to drive to and wait in a waiting room This is done entirely online But you're still getting professional licensed help

And it's extra affordable that's betterhelp H-e-l-p.com Slash if I were you Check him out Thanks BetterHelp I bet that's available And you can have it today And you can buy it through Squarespace

And build an awesome website dedicated to me Or I guess dedicated to anyone else in your life And maybe you want to give somebody a gift This season A summer birthday coming up Who doesn't want a website So So

So So So So So So So So

So So So So And I don't want a website So The best way to do that is To go to Squarespace.com

Slash if I RU For a free trial And when you're ready to launch Just use that offer code If I were you To save 10% Off your first purchase Of a website

Or domain Again Slashate if I RU Free trial Everything looks good Let's launch it Just use that offer code If I were you to save 10%

Off that first purchase Thank you Squarespace welcome Santos Santos in the house Santos himself on Twitter right Santos himself on Twitter Instagram you gotta get like dude they can't hear I know you had one wire congratulations very cool thank you Santos design intern correct yes what from Las Vegas yes what what what what head gum podcast art might people know you from I did the album art for the dumbbells nice all

fantasy everything great recently the throwback podcast oh yeah it's a new one that just came out that's right and here's a question here's a question from keys okay what item in my wallet should I throw away oh that's a very jake question are you how are you on your wallet are you see your wallets back them and there's oh wow this this could be much oh my god Santos you've shown your hands I thought you were a designer yeah I'm sorry yeah I have like old business cards from like people like I never intend to like ever contact again Jesus Christ wait wait what do you what are you keeping it for you just too

lazy to take them out or at this point you're attached at this point it should be too lazy to put them in in the first place I have like old tickets of things yeah Jake prides himself on the minimalist wallet right clean as fuck so and everything is a hundred percent essential what do you do alright here's a good 5050 insurance cards do you keep them depends which one general health insurance health insurance card no it's not not in there anymore because it's all digital I have I have the the app for my health insurance so what's the last card you took out I'm debating whether or not to take out my triple a membership

card do you ever need it no but like if you get into a problem on the road you might need it but they do have it it's digital so I don't really need it I kind of just I like triple a a lot you know I'm just a loyal I keep five to yeah well clearly you keep it you probably keep the old ones in a blockbuster fucking video car from 1998 you have a Burger King kids club card from 1995 probably before you were born you have a pretty slim wallet to yourself bloom and felt yeah I try to keep it light but there's some things in there that I can probably get rid of let's take a look see wait what do you guys think of cash do you guys keep

a lot of cash or not necessarily not usually but I keep at least $10 what do you ever spend $10 on never know I'm in Vegas we're tipping people yeah that's true you do never know oh like singles yeah I don't have anything the problem is like with our company card and then our regular card and then a debit card and then a credit card whatever happened to those those remember those like products that said they would combine everything into one card I saw an unboxed therapy video on they had everything on a smart card which I thought was super dangerous but you can like if it's separated from your phone via Bluetooth like it'll stop

working and you can put everything on it by scanning it on the cards that sounds nice I mean one card that one card should all be able to be on your phone it has like your regal movie gift cards it has your Starbucks like credits yeah everything and you can like swipe it by a it's like a digital card they already they sort of have that with Apple Pay you can just swipe I don't necessarily it's not take they don't take it everywhere yeah as soon as they do I mean like we can get rid of our wallets my my license I don't I do not know why my license isn't on my phone like it should be a bar a bartender should be able to like scan it or

something or a bounce against the wallet phones yes wallet phones are the dumbest thing in the world I've I have gone I've gone on many diatribes like every time you're texting you want to have all of your cards in your cash out as well it's the height of videos so what was this guy's question it's like what should I get rid of what yeah in my wallet yeah I mean I think yeah right off the bat you don't need the that buy nine get one free things right that's a that's a big that's a big volume expense and then like what do you save in like five dollars every three and a half months yeah you don't need those I bet there's a

membership card from something you don't need an old thing probably get rid of credit cards that you probably don't use very often you can you can shed that keep them at home and then if you need them an emergency you can always grab them yeah Jamari Suarez asks wraps or sandwiches thoughts Santos himself I'm gonna have to go with sandwiches on this one interesting same yeah I'm with sandwiches but as a burrito a wrap yes sandwiches can imagine a burrito you can't you cannot come back imagine a burrito sandwich so it's not a wrap it's like two pieces of bread with beans cheese lettuce rice rice rice in between two

pieces of bread well it's like what about like rice bread like rice cakes kind of that's very hard to eat yeah no well it would be less crispy be the more like rice I like different breads that's why I went sandwich with the wraps it's just like tortilla yeah it's and then you can get the spinach tortilla but that kind of tastes the same but at the same time burritos a wrap do you like do you not like burritos I'm with burritos I'm not and I'm not anti burritos but if I have to kill one I would kill rats yeah and I think wraps get a bad thing no actually a good wrap I think people think that

wraps are like carb free but like there's almost as much grain and a tortillas there are in a couple slices of bread yeah a lot of people don't know that I also take the tortilla out of your wallet I bet this guy's fucking rocking around with little tortillas this guy has tortillas in his wallet or maybe the wallet is a tortilla like I don't know like I think this goes all the way to the top I for whatever reason I'm so like dumb right now that I think this guy like you are really burrito in his back pocket like that makes no sense all right thank you Santos will you tap what do you say eagle oh wow that's a good one

all right eagle coming up thank you trying to find a good eagle question me oh that's what we should have asked him about the shoulder because he's a bird yes true caw caw eagle has landed I love it dude what's up guys how you doing very good eagle our cinematographer yes did you know that last night at the office party on the twitch eagle and thickalus we're quoting but chugging but the butt chugging Jake and Amir no verbatim like and your lines and mine that was what I memorized like the one episode that I just insane I didn't know thickalus was a Jake and Amir fan now I'm sad that I fired him

earlier today sorry about that that's pretty bad trying to get through as many questions on Twitter as possible let's start with an easy one cool Adam Beard writes do I put the toilet paper roll up or down like rolling down yeah like rolling down the back or rolling down the rolling down the front yeah front yeah it seems like there is a universal accepted from the front but why is that I just think it's easier to grab waterfall coming straight down as opposed to this like because you can't see it it could be like short enough where it's like cut in the back where you just don't know where it's interesting

that's interesting you're talking about the visual the visual it's harder to put like I mean if you have to pull it from the back and it's like and it is tucked you have to like dig your hand back behind it like a girl also it's weird to like roll something this way pushing it forward yeah easier to do it just straight down you know what I like the I don't like the tubes that you got to like compress take out and then a new one goes on you just slip it on yeah I like the slip off that's a solid and it also kind of looks better the old the old tube I feel like is that antiquated at this point definitely definitely agree I got

another bathroom question okay for you guys can I go to the bathroom sprinkle asks is it cool to jerk it at my friend's house in the bathroom while we're hanging out no I don't think it's cool I think it's about speed and about now that's a fucking thoughtful answer from the wise eagle if you can make it so like if they don't know it's like parents you know it's like they don't want to see you doing it right as long as you don't make it obvious wow is that have you ever could you ever I'm why would you ever be so turned on like hanging out with your friends they had to get one out yeah do you really not

remember like seventh and eighth grade where you just like had to jerk off all the time yeah I don't think I ever went to that houses for a while yeah I got my friends would jerk off in the same room right but that was more like of a bonding experience I'm talking about it was about bonding it was about we had to not or we die awful did you ever do it secretly in a bathroom of course oh really yeah I used to do it at work what's the what's the craziest place then the craziest place I ever jerked off the most guilty afterwards wow good question thrown him back up I remember when like when my grandfather died in

eighth grade oh dear I did it instantly I did it in the bathroom like later that after like that afternoon of the funeral and I was like I shouldn't be doing this like today's just like this shouldn't be part of it and I was like no he would want me to live you would want me to do you really think that's true no I mean I think I just really needed to jerk off that day I mean I'm sure you know he has like probably an omniscient like perspective on everything yeah that's beautiful I would hope so I would hope so that he is smiling down on me from heaven jerking off in the shower do you have a what's your worst

place I'm shameful I'd say maybe like a hospital I was visiting wow I was like staying at a hospital like just visiting someone doesn't it for like an extended period of time so I'd be hanging out there for like a while you know yeah yeah I kind of hated myself for weeks afterwards so and you don't have one you don't have one we fucking shared and you're not going to my own bathroom yeah I don't know I don't know where a shameful place oh one time I was hooking up with a lady and I jerked off in her bathroom because I was afraid I was gonna ejaculate too quickly like right before like you were hooking up

yeah I'm like I have to go to the bathroom and you jerked it did it help work of course I like something even more embarrassing I was doing that I was like having sex with somebody I was worried I was gonna come so like I have to go to the bathroom and I was like I'm gonna jerk off and come and then go back and like be a champion and I jerked was jerking off in the bathroom and I couldn't come I was like all right maybe it's all fine and then I went back and instantly noted I think it's bad too when you like edged myself when you like do that and then you like can't get it back up when you were like supposed

yeah there's a it's you also need a recovery time yeah yeah which which loser do you want to be the guy that can't get really quickly or like went to the bathroom and I can't get it up for another hour yeah all right who do you want to grab Lauren Clemens time let's do Clemens cool it's peanut butter Clemens times thank you you go why here's a quick one that I can answer while Clemens comes up here Amir why won't you go back on to innovation too afraid of the bear trap whoa I just haven't been invited back on to innovation would there the bear trap is an uninviting place yeah I don't know

what I would pitch though I have to think of a good invention maybe I don't know I was thinking about sticking my dick in a Snapple bottle and then if you get hard your dick's kind of stuck in there that's not really an idea of course it's not they also have those yeah like dick traps to keep your dick from getting hard like a Chinese dick finger trap yeah yeah they have those Lauren Clemens that Mike over there and you got to talk really really close to that bulb visiting from BU it's true you all right I'm gonna go I was joking how's your internship in it was good I had a really good time except for I just lost

all my breath to that swan downstairs swan the pool float oh that's all I'm not okay oh my god it's full of your air what a bad time to call you up you're very lightheaded we're having the the headgum pool party today yeah with two parties in the last two days pretty exciting do you have a you have a question that Lauren can be good at I just like scrolling through there's so many boys masturbating questions yeah what's a good first line to break the ice on a tinder writes Matt Carson are you on these dating apps yeah I'm on Tinder but I don't like use it for real got it do you ever get like a first line

you're like oh that's a good one because it's like from a from a guy's perspective who knows what we think is good or bad but do you have a do you have a recollection of one that you thought was pretty good or bad yeah most are bad most are like they try and be witty and it doesn't really work but also even if it's good I still don't answer okay so you're like no no first message that's good what do you think of the high or the emoji is that too plain is that too yeah that's boring like if you just say hey I'm not gonna answer and if it's too witty you're not gonna answer I feel like we can't like I'm

on it but I like I don't use it cuz I'm never gonna answer anyway why don't you answer kind of funny because I'm too afraid of getting like raped and murdered yeah that's a totally valid yeah yeah unfortunate that's a very valid fear but you can still flirt with them over chat I like the gifts sometimes the gifts are cute oh yeah that's you can start with a gift yeah that's a good one I think you can start with a gift Jake do you got one yes I do my boyfriend just broke up with me quite amicably but there's a picture I really like of us being couple II on my Instagram should I delete it no you should keep it you say

keep it so if you break up with somebody and you have couple II pictures on your Instagram you don't delete the old ones well I don't have any of those pictures anyway because nobody likes me that's because you're not answering oh so fulfilling prophecy ignoring everyone and now nobody will be with me you got to let the people in the definition of my life who's sending you gifts oh this actually goes to our our dating app idea that we've been working on yeah there's something that's like the so like some of the toughest things about dating apps are first messages so it's like a dating app that like instead there's no first

message it's a first the dating as soon as you match the app itself sends a question it's like what's your favorite color and then you both answer that I just came up with it right now that's so good what about if it's it's five lines of dialogue what's your favorite color blue lol you make me blue now I'm just kidding and then it's like boom now you're thrown into a conversation you ruined my idea that's a good idea because it's more like a game right so we're more willing to answer yeah that's cool all right what's not a thing where I was like hey talk to her say like it was like little prompts yeah it was it was on

hinge and I hated it but it was because they they wouldn't say um it wasn't like to both of us or maybe it was I can't remember now I should look up before I pitch it that's good you can call it like icebreaker or something yeah ice all right let's okay well did we answer that question already forgot oh yeah no just keep it it doesn't matter oh yeah the pictures on the social media yeah I think if they're if like you have I would maybe delete it if it was like super recent like if I just posted a picture of me kissing somebody and then they broke up with me and I'd be like I'm gonna delete that but if it's like

seven weeks ago or something nobody's looking nobody scrolls through your Instagram right like that often now people do if they have a crush on you they'll see pictures right but then they'll see it seven weeks ago and they'll be like oh maybe they broke up yeah it's really tough I've never deleted an old picture but at the same time I don't I don't I'm not mad at people who do delete old picture we have only one intern left do we no is that true just John George who okay so John George might be our last intern do you want to bring him up yeah yeah I can thanks Lauren thank you all right JG the

original the original handsome twitch guy alright well you're sweating a lot man nervous you're practicing you're hosting a podcast down there yeah it was very disruptive it was recorded uh-huh that's fine let's start you off with an easy one okay I'm trying to find who wrote it but let's ask the question first would you rather shower in the morning or at night I would rather shower morning or night yeah well what do you do you what do you do now he's freaking out I usually shower in the afternoon because I work out like in the morning after I work out I see so I guess more towards the morning I would

rather shower because I want to be clean for the day that's not a bad one yeah take Wednesday's shower sketch I shower at night but I wish I would rather if I had my druthers I would I definitely like the idea of working out in the morning showering being fresh for the day that's good yeah oftentimes I wake up and I'm tired and I don't feel like working out so I don't shower I work out around five and then I shower at night but I wake up and my hair looks terrible yeah I like I like showering as a wake-up use the rather than like because it kind of wakes you up it's like to do it right before bed is a

little difficult for me yeah ever go cold shower cold shower really wakes you up I love a cold shower yeah you really go cold or you just go like luke warm and it feels kind of chilly no well I I try to go as cold as possible when I'm really tired my shower back home is insane it gets insanely cold really like I tried it you're from Greenland right yeah I tried it and my I like my head was hurting it was so cold well I gotta stop it I think so cold I I took I I can do like the the gradual cold I don't like to jump into a freezing cold shower but I like every shower I take I it ends freezing okay just like slowly

slowly I think that's the way to go that's the perfect way Jake do you have a question oh yeah AJC writes do you guys plan on touring more in the Midwest a Michigan show would be great consider coming to Grand Rapids so I wanted to ask you're from Michigan yes I'm from Michigan tell me about Grand Rapids and where would we do a Michigan Grand Rapids yeah is it's a nice little it's like ecology like town because Grand Valley State that is where is in Grand Rapids so I guess it's a nice college town to go to that would be a good place I know when you you guys recently went to Royal Oak yeah that's where I was that's

right went to the show D town D town what you went to that show yeah I was there do we hung out yeah I remember now yeah I was I got really trapped and we went to a Coney Island yeah we I remember I was so fucking done yeah the first time we hung out one of your buddies got really trashed and he was like oh yeah yeah well it was one that looked like Matt Damon yeah Matt Damon and it's then I'd like did I hadn't seen him for two years and then the second time we hung out I was the one that got his trashed as he did full circle which rolls you try to kill that guy man yeah I put him in a coma I couldn't quite get the job done

you were too weak can't come out of the coma yeah all right that's cool brain dead then yeah doctor says not doing well at all interesting yeah pull the plug did I then commit murder I don't know hold on before that like if he's just brain dead in a coma like I might try for what like bad news but I'm gonna try I'm tried for assault and like if he's basically dead yeah it's kind of crazy that's murder was weird you know Eagle masturbated in a hospital oh really yeah he was masturbating when he was up here too weirdest place I ever jerked off is there anybody we forgot down there I think we got to

everybody um yeah I think that's everybody Dylan's down there if you guys oh shit Dylan yeah are the East Coast intern in turn yeah let's bring Dylan up all right yeah thanks dude all right Dylan Dylan the villain Dylan Smith East Coast intern yes what the hell are you doing here I got lost and shit yeah that lost so where's the Yukon where's the camera where do I look yeah no camera just an audio you don't know this is a podcast yeah where's the camera I said I know you said all right we got some quick hits for you ready try to dispense this advice how do I get my co-worker to stop cursing so much

at work I would go like like double in just like curse way more okay he gets uncomfortable and then he talks to you about it and then they like may we both should that was really good that was fast you super fast I didn't find it I have another question you work out of our East Coast office who curses the most over there uh I don't know none of us really curse yeah yeah it's pretty like chill environment yeah because a bunch of chill people over yeah yeah over here like you hear Marty just fuck yeah breaking his keyboard losing his temper but Nick rad I mean no nothing's getting to him no no he's yeah how's Nick as a boss he's

cool I mean you guys are you've been stalking one of the Sprouse twins is that correct would you say that's true sir this is a grand jury now I have to go so the Cory and Dylan Sprouse those are the kids right Dylan and Cole I think Dylan and Cole Sprouse of course you should know yeah thank you so they are the the twins from Big Daddy and from sweet life yeah Cody yeah and you guys found Dylan Sprouse one of them happens to own like a brewery right down the block from the part the office and we like my first day we went to lunch he was like sitting right next to us and I like pointed him out and then Nick like

freaked out because they were trying to like already we're trying to get him on to innovation of course yeah and then yeah and then we saw them like three more times that week because you were following it I I can't it's tough to say yeah I live who knows if there's another question for you Ranch Montana asks music during sex cliche or hot I say hot like yeah you need some background noise I think otherwise it's a little too it's all foreground noise yeah nice I make my own music that's your singing well yeah yeah I do yeah it's like a karaoke sex situation

I do agree that it's weird in silence but at the same time I rarely know what music to play I'm rarely playing music yeah there is like a big issue of like what kind of music you play right now so you don't have I had I had a fucking playlist that was like so was on it it was a podcast serial to episode four it was just if I were you there's a just caught out all of them there's a little song there's a little Wayne song called more fire and it is that's like that's a fucking time you just play that one on repeat on repeat yeah well I usually came by the second by the second chorus and by the way I was jerking off so I have

actually set it's a 45 seconds so it's a jerk off mix more than anything else do you want to grab Jeff George no Jeffrey Jeffrey James to close out the show yeah thanks to work yeah free games let's do this one in character what if I just entered the room and was Asian that's be happy for me I feel like you guys wouldn't give a shit would you call me out I want to close it out with you since you opened it up the OG and two two good questions I might be up your alley first one from Livia Trevino I love creative writing but I'm struggling to find my tone any advice on this any writing advice in general as a writer do you ever

get writer's block do you struggle to find your tone how do you find your tone I mean it's just gathering influences I mean obviously like watching you guys was a big influence on me growing up but that's all we needed to hear thank you so much good night everybody no one tweeted you that question and then I yeah like like some of the sketches I've been doing recently I've just been like watching old SNL stuff yeah but that's like very specific to sketch comedy so right like short stories I don't know yeah do you have when you write do you like think about writing TV's TV shows movies are you sticking to sketch right now or are you doing all of it I think sketch for now but TV writing eventually hopefully

I feel like I'm almost better suited for like longer stuff really no no now that you've got to manifest what you want to be true all right last one kind of an easy one not an easy one but a more lighthearted one neon Glavin writes favorite should I change my Twitter handle or do I have the perfect one should I nail it with neon Glavin that's really funny I didn't realize how funny it was favorite LA local haunts oh top three should we all do it right up your alley I feel like yeah let's do it somebody tweeted out the other day wanting to know a brunch spot that's right so let's the three local haunts you got to do like daytime food yeah you got to oh shit we also have to do

coffee it's like food bar outdoorsy thing coffee though fine we each get three we each get three whatever you think like list four or five that's fine no no no it's got to be three if they're all different it's fine no man we really have to draft them this is the beginning of a one hour answer okay okay I'm not going first either you're not going at all I just need Jeff to name two places daytime you said I like well I like zinc's actual thing not the place not like the cafe that we always get lunch at because they have really good avocado toast yes not the not the bar the you're talking about the restaurant the restaurant yeah because there's the cafe restaurant bar mitel bar I've still haven't been to bar mitel I need to go bar mitel is really good zinc

zinc c because there's a whole other there's two other zinx which are with cues and those play that's those are good too but not as good as with the sea would you say any zinc will do nope okay uh and then favorite bar I think is well like there's like dancing bars and cocktail bars I like I like resident for dancing because you have the inside and out yeah it's really great yeah and then and then sassafras for cocktails is good in Hollywood I've never been to sassafras it's really fun they have dancing too sometimes oh it's like a weird jungle themed almost new western themed so you walk in and you feel like you walk are you walking outside like in and then out so like you're outside this like they rebuilt this like townhouse yeah like the old west it's

cool what are your thoughts on those like bars we have to like walk through a fridge to get into like break like no vacancy or davey wanes do you like that those bars uh I like I like break room and I like no vacancy I don't like davey wanes the one time that I went everybody was a douche bag yeah I mean those bars are those bars are cool like on a thursday I think going on a saturday it's just it's so exhausting it's so hard to get into I went on a monday before a final yeah like that and that's when that is when they're better like during the week yeah I think the lash is a really great lash is a great dance spot um and lash is my new favorite spot but I wouldn't say it's like it needs to keep going for a few months before you gotta get a

couple more weekends in there yeah uh have you been to the the secret sandwich store in Highland Park yeah it's so good it's a there's a sandwich store called it's I just looked it up it's the tinfoil liquor and grocery store yeah so it's a it it looks like just like a a liquor store you have to give the guy at the counter a password basically usually it's I think it's still uh do you guys sell birthday candles oh and then he'll just buzz you in and then you go back and it's a deli and there's like I think there's like a card or something on the table that you could pick it up and you can say the words yeah like it looks like just a business card but you turn it around yeah exactly have you ever ridden the chip also I wandered in and sorry the Chipotle on vine

what makes that different than any other Chipotle I'll just they do rice they do rice you can get all chipollies do rice also that's a terrible part of time well you can only and then they do the beans are dry yeah that's worse everything you're saying is a reason avocados a couple dollars extra it always is this isn't different than any other chipotle I don't know I'm just throwing out things don't what are you saying oh when I walked into the tinfoil uh sandwich store I didn't do anything right I just was like where's the sandwich store I got us like uh do you mean like I gave me the car and I was like I don't know it's like supposed to be here he's like like it wasn't I'm just saying they don't turn people away yeah don't be nervous about not getting

it right do you have turkey and I weekly sound like if I get a hope Eater LA said that I would start shaking calm down I'll buzz you in just please don't forget it I'll get these dill chips and be on my way is it a speakeasy here I'm gonna speak queasy oh do you guys have barbecue flavored lays uh also the gen there's a general coffee on uh on Glendale like in Hyperion that's a good spot all right there you have it LA haunts cheers uh Jeffrey James and all of our other interns wow what a what an episode it's been let us know what you think uh if you're if you're if you're if you're I realized I didn't play an opening theme song you did play an opening song wow it's been so long it was the weezer one that's right if you have questions for us I was saying uh send them on

over to if I were you show at gmail.com that opening theme song was the weezer parody I just remembered by Alex McGuire this closing one uh is by someone named Duncan Duncan so thanks Duncan you're writing songs again Duncan of Donuts fame it must be right or otherwise uh we'll be back next week later everybody peace I was doing just fine before I wrote you swiped too much and that's an issue but I'm okay Jake and Amir are here to help you but I hope you never need them again you don't know what to do you don't know what's right and you don't know what's true and listen you break her heart your ex is a phantom now swipe to the right if I were you

you if I were you so here are Jake and Amir on their podcast you're on head gum they are here to help you out of your sticky situation be where they may place you on a Monday blast and ridicule you even they have problems too things got really far were you so yes that was a head gum podcast