If I Were You - 288: Butt Plug (Live in Montreal!)

Episode Date: August 21, 2017

We discuss urine, breast milk, and other bodily fluids live at Just For Laughs comedy festival in Montreal! With special appearance by friend/comedian Jon Gabrus.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. Wow! Montreal! Wow! Thank you! Thank you! Wow, this is gonna be a good one. I can feel it. You ever get that feeling where you just know it's gonna be a good night? Yeah! Put you in the stomach! No! Oh! Oh no! I can't talk! Okay, I didn't know how strong I was. That's like a chill. What's up, everybody? Coming over here, I can see people a little bit more. Yeah, it's scary.

Hey, my god, they're hot, especially you. Guys in a blue tank top! What did you, what are you, what are you dressed in? Guy doesn't give a fuck! Who are you wearing and why are you wearing? There are a lot of strong people here. Me included? Solitary woo? That's not gonna fucking cut it. There we go!

It's always sad when one out of 400 dentists agree on something. I think you're doing it wrong. No flaws? No. No flaws. This is so exciting. This is, I think might be our second live podcast in Canada? Hey Montreal, we've done a couple of Toronto Vancouver. I apologize, they suck compared to Montreal though! Fuck those guys! We did do 11 shows in Vancouver.

Yeah. 14 in Edmonton, obviously. Remember the year and a half we spent in Calgary? That's right, we did do that residency in Ottawa. Ottawa's in the house, Ottawa's in the house. That's good stuff, good stuff. I have no idea what these fucking words mean. Ottawa, Saskatchewan, Halifax, that's all fine because that's all your country? That's right, alright.

Well we're from the second best country in the world. USA. Hurrah! First one's Russia. We don't want to die when we go back is all. So we have to pledge our allegiance to Vlad the Impaler. The one true man. The one man to rule them all. The one man so strong he doesn't need muscles.

It's just a round beef steak of a god. Old pecs, nothing else. That's all you need. Pecs and scalp. Shit, we're excited to be here tonight. We're excited and we hope you are too. I don't know if you guys, has anybody ever seen our live podcast before? And is anyone seeing it for the first time?

Wow. Awesome. Love it. If you haven't seen it before, take out your podcast app and rate us five stars on iTunes. Come on, that's insane. This is so Jewish. I should say, I can maybe climb the charts in iTunes. How can we capitalize on the audience?

Yeah, me undies coupon code. They delivered it to Canada. It's reshipping. Yeah, you guys ever heard of Modal? Squarespace. Squarespace? God damn what our advertisers be happy to hear that. They shouted Squarespace at us.

Give us more cash. They love it more than we do. And we love it a lot. Of course. All right, let's take a seat and try to answer some questions. Are you guys okay with that? Oh, you're moving up. Huh?

I'm gonna move back. Yo shit. I'm gonna face away, brah. Man of the people. Yeah. I love it. This is me. It's less intimidating when you're just looking at a screen.

I don't know. It should be intimidating to feel the whole audience turn on you. It's that mystery science theater shit. So you guys know this is an advice podcast, an advice show. People email us from all around the world, seeking our guidance. Sorry.

That makes sense. Look at us. We're smart looking. Look, I can't figure out how to lure the fucking mic. Look at us. We're smart. As long as the questions aren't about anything handy. These are real questions, I should say,

from real people. We're gonna give them fake names just to preserve their anonymity. If anybody has. Crandis. This is a lively crowd. We're not gonna be able to hear shit. I heard Crandis. Oh, you did hear Crandis?

Yeah, I got a Crandis. All right. Good news, guys. Retire Crandis. Retire Crandis? I mean, shit. The audience is behind it. That's our agent.

So happy you finally made it to a show. Uh, all right. Crandis. They're still very much so working. Right. She's wearing a retire Crandis shirt. Look, this is insane. So cool.

The Game Boy is dumb. Your signs are all rude. Don't seize no cheese. You don't want us to do... I'm not a big fan, but you're mean. Kanye doesn't sound like that. She hates the hits. I love her just the same.

All right. Crandis, who is a male in high school? writes, This weekend was my senior prom and I got a hot date. That happened. Yeah, that's right. That have been courting for two months. Everything went great.

We danced all night. And kissed her five times. Pura. At first I got her to make a deal where she would kiss me if I kissed a boy. But by the end of the dance, we were smooching without any gay prerequisites. Yes, dude.

It's not even the question yet. This is just setting the stage as they call it. We went to a party after prom and we were kissing, drinking and smoking weed. I went outside to get more drinks. And when I came back in, she was kissing my best friend's brother. Which I had done earlier so I could kiss her.

I got really sad and talked to my friends for a while, but later we made out again and had a really deep conversation. Huh? There's still hope. We fell asleep next to each other and when I woke up she had peed on me. Soaking most of my shirt and a pack of zigzags in my pocket

and about five people pissed themselves that night, probably from the jungle juice. However, I drank very little so it wasn't me. I was bone sober as I kissed boy after boy and bone dry in the morning. I am so sad. I'm so sad, Crandis writes, that she kissed this boy on this night

that I had planned for a while. I still like her a lot, but I don't know what to do. She's the most beautiful girl I've ever seen. Please help. Love, Crandis. Let's give it up for Crandis. Jesus Christ. Did you start the email by saying the night went well?

Yeah, I mean they kissed five times, two gay, but three for real. That was pretty piss. I would blow a guy if it meant I got to smooch the hottest girl in the world, Jessica Alba's agent. And would she pee on you too? Whatever, small price to pay. The peeing thing was completely apropos of nothing

and never came up at the end. There was a lot of shit that happened and I still don't know what the question is. It's fucking high school, man. It's kissing a guy. It's kissing a girl. It's pissing on me. It's smoking weed.

It's drinking. It's getting high. It's prom and it's all good. Yeah, it's because the zigzags are soaked in urine and they don't fuck you up. God, that fucking yellow, sticky-ass shit. Can you tell I rarely get high? I do an edible, but it's mostly when I...

Yeah, when I just eat a little... A little kidney stone or something. So this guy is wondering what to do with this girl because she kissed another guy. I like to imagine it as... So did you several times. Seems like it's even so far. Yeah.

Wouldn't it be sadder if she kissed his best friend's younger brother? You come inside and it's a 15. He's nine. Yeah. When will I get to go to prom? And I don't even hit kiss another guy. Hello? He's wearing a little book mirror.

I'm just a little proper prince in fourth grade. Sorry, grade four. I can't talk like you guys. Can we talk normal for the show, at least? Do you mind? Why don't we try to answer a specific question, which was, I'm so sad that she kissed this boy. I don't know what to do.

Not a question. That's just... That's just unfortunate. It seems to me like this girl is... This is the classic case of the guy is not as cool as the girl. Hell, I've been there. I'm there right now. You're one of you.

Yeah, I'll kiss a guy. All right. Oh, I'm going to kiss someone else. Sure, whatever. Pea on me. It doesn't matter. I love a golden shower. Burn.

Soaking wet. And it's fine because I got the smooch. This guy seems a little out of his element, a little out of his league. I say take the smooches where you can get them, whether you kissed a guy, got pissed on, or whatnot. It's all good because it's all smooching the most beautiful girl in the world.

You can't change her. She's probably a cool 12th grader. The least valuable person. She went to prom, so that's 12th grade. Do you guys have prom here? And do you also piss on each other afterwards? Awesome. Yeah, I think I'm more along...

I'm in with Montreal on this. It's fine. You got pissed on. That's kind of neat. It's better than getting pissed off. And she made out with somebody. But she also made out with you. Pretty good.

Hell, I'll take that. Yeah. You made out with people, she made out with people, and everyone got pissed on, and that's prom. Now let's talk about summer camp. That's what she's going to do. She's going to take a shit on your stomach. And 69 are your friends' dad.

And you should take it if it meant you getting any further than a kiss. A hand job that leads to nothing. That's worth all the pain. How do you feel about the bargaining with something that happened to me when I was in high school, too? Where you say... Where somebody was like,

you do this embarrassing thing, and then I'll let you kiss me. Or like, you do this embarrassing thing, and then I'll show you my nipple. Oh, interesting. And you just debase yourself, because that's how desperate you are. Yeah, is it more embarrassing to say yes

or more embarrassing to say no? Because, like, no means the game is over, you're not at a fun, but yes means you're kissing a guy that doesn't want to be kissed by you. I don't think he was assaulting guys to kiss her. I thought it was like... It is weird, though.

How do you find volunteers to be like, yeah, I'll fucking take one for the team? Yeah, because that guy's not even kissing the girl. Yeah. What does that dude get out of there? He's not even getting the prize. Holy shit! I had not thought about how dark this situation was.

I used to play a game in high school where my friends had to point to someone at a party. Oh, that's awesome. You had friends. What? I didn't know. Yeah. Sorry, go ahead. Anyway, my friends...

That's so neat. Friends. Do you mean kids that went to your high school? What's that? They didn't like you very much? Yeah, they liked me fine. We were friends. Interesting.

I don't know what you're getting at. Well, you don't have a lot of friends, but some of my friends in high school... Wow. You had one or... I didn't think about it. It was college. It was college. All right.

Okay. Now we get it. They would point to a stranger at a party and you'd have to touch them. It's kind of a weird little game. So they'd be like, touch that guy and I'd be like, all right. And the guy would be kind of confused

because why did a stranger choose to touch his shoulder? Did he steal his bank account information or not? And then we would up the ante. If we got drunk, hug that guy or point to a girl. Hug that girl. The girls would kill at that game because it's like, yeah, hey girl,

you have to got to hug that. Okay, they're making up. That's fine for him. Now I'm going to touch a guy. Oh! He hit my teeth. All the nears in your mouth, right? They're like little chicklets

hanging from my guns. All right. I think we answered that question. Allow yourself to be pissed on. That's fine. Thank you. Thank you for agreeing. Thank you.

Did we ever properly cheers? No, I don't think so. Cheers. And cheers to you guys. Thank you so much for coming. Thank you. Feels like a Friday or a little bit. I can't believe it's Tuesday.

Do you guys have school tomorrow or something? Yeah, but Canada, you guys turn up on a Tuesday, right? Ah, tepid woos. I love that. It's a summer Tuesday. Yeah, yeah. You know, like, that's like a real Thursday.

That's totally it. I love that. It's a summer Tuesday. Your phone just died. So, yeah. Ah, shit. Christ. I thought I charged it on a summer charger.

That's when I hold it up to the sun. Is it battery trains? Fuck. Why don't you point to someone and get a girl's name? Because when they yell, we can't hear anything. Cool.

Raise your... You have the first hand. Anything! All right, you have to... Jake has to slap you in the forehead as hard as you can. No, no, we just need a girl's name. You can make it up.

That's great. You didn't raise your hand. Huh? Yes, I will. Defining silence. Tell me your name. I'll be able to pronounce it. Tell me what it is.

That's not on me. She laughed a little bit when she said it. No, no, no. Give me the name. I want to... I'm going to show you how fucking cultured I am. Watch this.

Marcia writes. I'm deaf in my left. And I... And a little bit in my right. Marja Leon. Right. I'm a 19-year-old girl from England, oddly enough.

By way of France, I guess. And, yesterday afternoon, I endured the most embarrassing moment of my life so far. Oh! Pray tell. My boyfriend and I

are starting to have anal again. Good stuff, good stuff. So I decided to wear my butt plug. I obviously eventually needed to use the bathroom, so I took it out and cleaned it and left it on the side while I went to the loo.

So British. But then I left the bathroom and completely forgot the butt plug was in plain view. Next thing I know, my brother, who's 23, is shouting my name, so I go upstairs to see what he wants

and he comes out of the bathroom holding the butt plug. Yeah. Asking if it was mine. What would have been worse if he was wearing the butt plug? I just said yes and ran back to my room with it

while he laughed. Now it's really awkward between us and I'm worried he'll tell my family or worse yet, people we both know. Help, what do I do? Thanks, love. Margeant.

It's gonna for margeant. Yeah. Okay. I feel bad because I read this question and I never really thought about what a butt plug does. Does it just ready your anus for anal?

Is it just an anus expander? Yes. It sort of shaped like a spade and you put it into your butt to, yeah, to expand your anus pre. So I think they should re-brand the whole concept because sort of being

tangentially aware of butt plugs, I imagine it was like, I'm gonna shove it up to plug something for some reason. Now that I say it out loud, it doesn't make a lot of sense. Why would you want to plug it in? You thought it was preventative.

Yeah, I thought it was a plug. If you hate anal, put in this anal guard. It will plug your ass from any intruder. Otherwise, call it like a sphincter expander. Don't call it a butt plug. Butt plug is fun to say in spell, but I just think it does.

But some a sphincter expander. Think of it like an orthodont. Do you guys ever have an expander for your jaw with a little key? So it's like that for your asshole. It cranks it open slowly over time. So that when your loved one is ready for it,

it slides right in. Your ass is nice and wide. That's right. Isn't that the point of the plug? Well, I don't think you really want the butt to be too wide. I think that the part of the pleasure is sort of the tightness.

So the question is, if there's a butt plug, do you remove it right before anal sex? Otherwise, doesn't it return to its natural... I can push the plug all the way into somebody out of the mouth. Every butt plug is designed to be thrown up at some point.

So how long are you supposed to wear this thing? Honestly, I've never used one. I'd never fucked with it before. Loser. This is only going to have Joe cancers, but has anybody used a butt plug before? No need to shout out no. We'll assume that if you don't yell,

then that would be default. We are assuming that most people here haven't. So why don't you... If you've used a butt plug, shout woo. Oh, you didn't think... You waited. You waited.

That actually wasn't her saying woo. That wasn't her saying woo. She actually farted through her butt plug. It was like a decoder. It was a whistle. That's right. It's a little kazoo. Sorry, now I'll look at you and talk to you

like a human being. Can you explain to me... Expand. Nice. Why didn't... Why didn't our horizons... Well, if you've been a person in the process, it's just a prostate stimulation.

It's used for prostate stimulation. So it's like an anal dildo? Oh, you're saying that got... Yeah, so a gentleman with a prostate could use it and find pleasure in that. For pegging? Oh, for pegging. Of course.

So this is completely... Dude, does anybody use it as an anal expander? That's... I'm asking the question. Where are your parents? It's fine. I've just wondered... We are so far from helping this girl.

It's like we're not ten minutes trying to figure out what a butt-bump like is. Sorry. Continue. Maybe you should use my microphone so people can hear you. Very nice. You guys share this one.

We're just here to help. Okay. We love you, and we want to know why there was a little lava lamp by the sink, honey. You're the mother now. Oh, yeah. I'm the aunt, and this is your dad.

We're incestuous and freaky like you. Now, turn around and let me see if it's bejeweled or what. I can turn the mic off at any point. Just let me know. No, well, what do you want to know? Tell us. I mean, I think I know,

but why don't you tell Amir what a butt-plug is? It's not holding anything in. It is, well, different sizes. I mean, I'm assuming this girl was probably using it on her boyfriend. Although it doesn't really matter. You think she was using it on the boyfriend?

Oh, wait, no. I don't know. I don't remember the question. I'm just trying to talk about butt-plugs here. She was using it on her. She was wearing it all day. She took it out to take a shit, and that's when her brother found it.

Okay, so I guess she was using it to expand her... She hadn't done anal play in a while, and maybe her boyfriend's penis was bigger than the butt-plugs. So... Is that a common use for it? Is that average?

I want to buy one for my anal leakage, and I'm worried about getting off by accident. I have fissures is all. I've got IBS, but no fetish. Yeah, it's a pretty tight seal. I mean, you could. Thank you very much. Oh, Chloe, I think I'm fully equipped

to answer this one. Yeah, so now your brother found it. That's right. Blackmail him. Or did you find his butt-plug? That's exactly what's up. Mom, Dad, you come out ahead of the story. You got to go buy a fucking bigger butt-plug.

So when your brother... And he's like, look at this. You're like, oh, yeah? Well, look what I found in your room. Oh! You saw me! And it's still covered in shit. It's a fucking traffic cone.

Next question. We obviously saved the day there. Congratulations. Thank you. Thank you, Mom, Chad. I'm going to buy one on Amazon and see what happens. Really? What's the worst? Are you prime?

That could happen. Yeah, I am prime. Two-day free shipping. That butt-plug is inside me by... At the latest? Early Friday. You know, for $9 extra, they will insert it into your ass. The address?

Oh, funny Shadass. Drop it up here and then put it in my ass. I'll be behind my mail slot. Take it out of the box and put it in mine. Oh, and your tip? You can fish it out of my ass. That's right, I shoved two nickels up there. Or a loonies if you're listening in Canada.

You're so cheap. $0.10 for such extra help. Good Lord, he got you up. Oh, here we go. Another question. Why don't the lady who helped us with the butt-plug question get to name this other lady who has a question for us? Not about butt-plugs, if you can imagine.

That's a very sweet name. Hannah. Hannah. Right. Oh, that's good. Yeah, thank you for finding it. I missed it, but hey now. No, you have to say hat twice.

Yeah, that's good. Solid. The Aflac deck. QQ, right, Hannah? I'm dating this dude, and it's going pretty well so far. We did the nasty. The last week. Or the first time, and it was awesome.

Except for one part, when I caught him beaming down with a huge smile during act two. What's act one? I assume butt-plug related, but I'm not. Is it normal for a guy to smile during intercourse, or is he a serial killer? It's a good question. Yeah, Jesus. You can imagine this guy just like coming up behind her with a pair of scissors, smiling as she's writing this email.

He's nice and all, but I get a creepy vibe from him, and I'm not sure whether I'm making a mountain out of a molehill. Do guys usually smile during sex? It's never happened to me before. Is this as weird as I presume? Love, Hannah. Honest for Hannah. I feel like we can answer this question very easily with an informal audience poll.

Is smiling during sex creepy as fuck? Is it fine? Why did you say yes? It's a guy in a clown costume. I can never not smile. I'm like this all the time, ladies. It's hard to tell what you look like when you're having sex, because you never see it. Anything the girls would know more than us, because maybe I am smiling.

I'm enjoying myself. What face am I making? It doesn't have to be disgusting. This is awesome. Go ahead and make your face that you make during sex. No. And then sometimes I'm cracking up because it's so good. A maniacal cackle?

That's right. I'm like the fucking joker after seeing myself for the first time. Jesus. So what are you supposed to do? Are you supposed to be stone faced during sex? Are you supposed to be turned on but not smile? Oh, that's good. Yeah. Jake's doing the Patrick Bateman slash Gene Simmons tongue out point.

Because you're pointing at everybody that you're fucking. It's almost like after a good three or a slam dunk, you're sort of doing the hell yeah anger joy. Oh yeah, go give me that. That's very sex. Sometimes I'll raise your room. Penis is completely limp. Condom fell off. So is it weird?

I bet it's not completely weird. Yes it is. It's better than a crime. It's better than crying. Yeah, but you're not you're saying everything is better than it's not as good as fucking normal. What's normal? Stone face? This.

That's also weird. Everything is weird in a vacuum. Just don't look at each other. Oh my god, that was so telling. You look past everybody. Jake puts on an eye mask. And once we know that truth, we can all come at the same time. You're rocking eye mask and earplugs.

Oh yeah, white noise machine. You're like trying to sleep on an airplane. Just like, you have the pillow, the round pillow. That's fine too. You spied on me. You were getting a dome on that jet blue flight over here. Terror chips and fucking head, baby. So would you say this is so creepy?

Grounds for termination? Serial killer? 100%? Are you saying give this guy the benefit of the doubt? Maybe he was just happy to be fucking you. I would never see this person again. Yeah, what if the girl was smiling when you were having sex with her? Would that be fine?

No yeah, that would make sense. I don't know, smiling is weird. We know you're happy. You're supposed to be putting effort in. Smile is like... Why don't we take a look at your sex tape? Oh, this is insane. You know what I forgot to bring up?

So it seems like it's split. You're saying it is creepy. I'm saying that it's fine. I don't think it's split. There was like fucking a lot of people saying it was creepy. Yeah, but when you hear a whole crowd laugh, like... Honestly, it was just that guy that said it was fine. It was me throwing my voice.

Okay, there's two. There's three. Who says it's not fine? Give me not fine! Honestly, it's getting a little less. I think I dug my feet in a little too much. Now they're going against you rather than smiling during sex. It's hard.

Totally. We have a completely blind survey. We'll ask these people on the way out to fill out a card. We'll read it on the podcast next week. That's nice. Honestly, I think everybody that said it's not creepy should get fucked by somebody, looking in their eyes and smiling. And then I'll ask them.

Alright, why don't we take a break? We're at about the halfway point of the show. Let's get a round of applause. It's a difficult, anxious, stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist. It's the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place. And it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist, especially one in your area. But better help makes that all easy because it's online therapy designed to be convenient, flexible, and suitable to your schedule.

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If I were you, check them out. Thanks. Better help. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Wow. For years and years and years, we've been ranting and raving about Squarespace because it's the best way for dummies like me and potentially you that don't necessarily know how to code or design to create a professional looking website.

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Or I guess dedicated to anyone else in your life. And maybe you want to give somebody a gift this season, a summer birthday coming up. Who doesn't want a website? So the best way to do that is to go to Squarespace.com slash if I were you for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Again, Squarespace.com slash if I were you free trial. Everything looks good.

Let's launch it. Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you, Squarespace. We have just a few questions left, but I thought it would be fun if we brought Gabriel's back because he was so funny at the time. Maybe he can help us out. I mean, it's good enough with John Gabriel's everybody. John Gabriel!

Back in blood! Two chairs? I love it, John. John Gabriel's once again, everybody. All right. Here I am carrying out my own chair like some sort of shithead. And they got a chair for you. I'm here with the fuck...

One girl just fucking pulled out a gun and fired firearms. Mr. President? Why me? How drunk were you at the top of the show versus now? I was less drunk at the top of the show than that. That's all the information I'm gonna get. That's all of it. That's the only thing I asked.

All right, John, do you have a guy's name for us so that I can read this question to you? Um, yes. Daedon. That's really nice. DAE, apostrophe, D-O-N-N. The second D is capitalized. Why? I said that now, Daedon leaves.

Wow. Sorry, Daedon. Everyone say sorry, Daedon. Sorry, Daedon. That was almost a lot of them, actually. That was plenty. I feel powerful over strangers. Daedon writes, I've been dating this chick for a couple of years now.

Okay, he's definitely... She's not a chick anymore, right? She's a full-blown chicken now. Feathers, eggs, everything I look for in abroad. God, Daedon, you're creepy. I see you're fucking a rotisserie chicken. Hey, Kenny Rogers ain't the only one that spins them chicks. That was good.

I just said it in there and forget it in there. Dating this chick for a couple of years, she's a dope mama-sita and possibly the woman of my dreams. Well, the other day I was watching porno and I fucked up. I didn't open an incognito window, so when I was finishing up, I went out for the night and the girl got on my laptop to watch Netflix or some shit

and she apparently was curious about my browsing history. Is this Kevin James who wrote this? Why is this the most sitcom set up ever? She ended up looking at my browsing history and ended up seeing all the porn I watch. I'm very into BBW. Do you know what that is? Big, beautiful women. Or as I like to call them, women.

Uncle Gabriel says a sickness for the thickness. I'm glad we brought you on. Not a bit. Same dude. I'm very into BBW both in porn and in real life. Maseruadi Monica. Wow. You couldn't even contain yourself from shouting yes.

Did you write the question? Yes, Maseruadi Monica! I'm more of an Ashley Graham London Andrews type guy, but continue. Maseruadi Monica and Vanessa Blake, yeah? Are my jam. The bigger the booty, the more I go woody. Slant rhyme. Slant rhyme, that's fine. So the problem is now my GF is mad at me

because I like quote fat chicks. I mean she is a nice thick slice of fuckberry pie herself. Because that's what I find attractive. I genuinely think she's thinking about breaking up with me over this. I've tried to make her see the reason, but she can't get over it and thinks I'm just using her as an outlet for a fetish. What the hell do I say or do to keep this girl in my life?

Love, Daedon. Let's go for Daedon. Daedon! I don't know if we should clap for Daedon. Do you think, do you guys have the power? I don't know how your podcast works, I don't have the power to shut off Daedon's internet and not let him have the internet. Because he sounds undeserving.

You're saying you blame Daedon and not his girl? You call a woman a slice of fuckberry pie and expect to get laid ever again. I had a fucking qualm with how he doesn't delete his fucking search history. When I jerk off, I don't do anything in my life faster than clear the history. I have fucking burner laptops. I'm crushing a new laptop under my boot heel by a sewer once a day.

I am nutting and quitting and restarting and erasing like before I fucking spurred out that last bit. It's burning my house down. The house has broken in half over my knee. Signing up for a new identity moments after I ejaculate. I'm the Jason Bourne of porn. You're Jason Bourne. The porn identity.

You know my name. Who am I? You are CFNM. Clothes, female, naked. Naked male. We know him. Only Jake knew. Okay. I get it. You don't have that in Canada yet. In Canada, it's universal nudity, eh?

Just wait. So, do you commiserate with this guy? Do you think your wife, for example, could catch you masturbating and be so offended by what you see? Or does she know what you're looking at? I think she... It's a touchy subject like when you have to tell a partner what you've been jerking off.

How do you have to do that? You don't ever have to unless you've been caught doing something. Or like, you know, you hear like your partner's like, hey, let's watch a little something together. And then all of a sudden you're like, I can't show you the shit. All my suggested videos are incest right now. I went down a rabbit hole and I can't climb out yet.

My only saving grace in this world is that I don't have an actual stepmom. Because I watch a lot of stepmom videos where if I had one, I'd be humiliated. Honestly, dude, I think it's just in the ether. I don't care about the fuck. I will be jerking off to what I think is regular porn and then the girl goes, you like fucking your mother?

No. No. She just has the same last name as me. Are you on any level believing in stepmom stuff or you just like her saying that while they're fucking? I don't need to see like a marriage license. I like to porno's that start with her holding up a marriage license to the camera. I'm actually married to this porn actor's father.

But I'm a stepmom. I just need a laundry basket in the shot for me to come. I need to see tours that have been recently done. The dishes are finished. The more front porch a porno has, the more set up there is, the more into it I am. I don't even need nudity to come anymore. I need fucking story.

Character development. I straight up have tried to search based on outfits, which is when you know you've lost your mind, when you're like, can we get a girl who's wearing dark denim once in a while? I've got none of these chicks are ever in rompers. I want them to dress like they're going to brunch in Manhattan. Brunch porn. Brunch porn.

I swear to God, Squarespace. Somebody look that up. It's brunchporn.com. Brunch porn.com. I got an idea where I'm a waiter. I don't want to meet the actress named Bloody Mary. Get it? War paint.

Gabriel goes there. Gabriel goes there because he's been married for a decade. What are you going to take five days off a month? What the fuck are you supposed to do? Do you do incognito? Are you incognito? Nothing to hide. I check my email in cognito.

I leave. There's no paper trail. I only go on the internet at internet cafes in Bogota. I would be hard-pressed to stand in front of a jury of my peers and explain my porno choices. It's just one of those things where you're like, I don't want anyone to see how I eat when I'm alone. No less the shit I'm watching right before I crank it. My question starts with November 14th, 2014.

You searched blank. It was the weekend before Thanksgiving, so of course I was knee-deep in Turkey porn. Turkey porn. Is there anything this guy can say to his woman? He can say to his woman that what he masturbates to has no effect on our actual relationship. Have you ever had a sex dream about one of your coworkers

or a friend that isn't me? I know, that's very unusual. It's okay, because it's a fantasy, and shit like that happens. But this fantasy is so close to her, I feel like that's a perfect out. Doesn't he want you to masturbate to porn? No, no, no, no, no, Lord, no. At least they look like you.

He's like, obviously. Oh, she doesn't know. The hardest part of liking plus-sized women or BBWs is never letting your partner find out she is one. You have to be like, but you're not one of them? Of course not. So I find them hot and you ugly. I find you wildly unattractive.

You're so skinny, it's disgusting. Would you rather... The best move you could do in a relationship as a guy, I can't speak for gay dudes or for women in relationships, but as a straight man in a hetero relationship, the best thing you could do is anytime a girl is on TV, just go, she's too skinny. If you just keep going, she's a little too skinny for me.

Not my type. Your sig-uth will go, she is. That's an unrealistic expectation for women. I know, I'm like, what is she, a size four? Who's a size four? Would you rather your significant lady watch porn of people that look like you or the opposite?

Ooh, that's tough, because my wife actually has... We talk about stuff like this. I feel like they're all our friends here and everybody listening at home can know as well. Yeah, you might as well share it. My wife, she gave me no permission to talk about it, but she likes two types of dudes, big, fat, heavy-set bearded guys,

or thin, wispy, little blonde twinks. That's me. It's one of those things where if you think about it, most of us who are in long-term relationships, your two types are the type that you're with and the exact opposite. Oh, interesting. That makes a ton of sense. I'm dying to meet a six-foot black chick.

But that is your wife. And the opposite. A blonde, hairless boy. Tonight's the night. What about you, Amir? What do you jerk off to? Oh, don't worry about it. Great question. This is balling 9-11 towers.

I'm always beating off while six people are pumping me around in a chair. Oh, you've seen my... Oh, thank you. You've seen my bar mitzvah fan fiction, then. It's a fucking Torah portion. There's a yacht in my ass. It's fine. Is there a specific answer to this person's question?

Yes, and I have it. Wait, the same exact thing when my mother found bestiality porn on my computer. This was the real answer. You say it was the dog who was using the computer. I told my mom it was pop-ups, and it was. And then that's what you can say to your girlfriend that it's pop-ups.

Pop-ups? Pop-up ads. 40 tabs of pop-ups. Sometimes... Three hours apart of pop-ups. Sorry, it was pop-ups. You've deleted the history since then. You just tell her it was pop-ups.

Are there still pop-ups? There are still... Oh, you're on porn. Live Jasmine, live Jasmine, live Jasmine. You fucking know. You know. All the time, I'm like, who's talking? I mean, it's like some deep tab was like, okay, you're gonna come for me.

Wait, I thought I loaded way too many videos to play. I was like, that doesn't sound like Gianna Michael's voice, which is about 15 of my tabs. Give it up for Gianna Michael. All right, why don't we answer... Do you guys have to answer? Time to answer one last question. One more.

I should go. I don't have a time, though. You have to leave. I'm gonna rush to make it to another show. What? Yeah. I'm going to two Jews podcasting next door. What?

Oh, wait, maybe I have the address wrong. Maybe I'm supposed to be here then. That's what people call our podcast. Gabriel, do you want to choose somebody to give us our last male faking? Yes. Someone from the back. How about this person?

I can't see you in the light, but who's standing up with two... Yes, you, the person with two hands up standing. The one that cared the most. Yeah. You're sitting down. You're not going to give us two names. Yeah, we need a name from you. Crispin Lavender.

Crispin Lavender? Lavender. Crispin Lavender. Of course. Now, we all have regrets. Mine was choosing her. Crispin Lavender. I love it.

You know, she stood up like someone who had a good idea. I got the one! Actually, this is kind of a question that gamers could probably have a lot of fun reading. So, do you mind reading this question? Oh, sure. Is it exclusively written in a New York accent? It kind of is.

Crispin Lavender writes. Okay. This is from Crispin Lavender. Hi, Jake and Amir. I recently went to a strip club to celebrate my friend's birthday. And a stripper invited me up to the VIP. Yes, dude!

During her dance, she asked me if I have ever tried titty milk. And I said, no. She told me to try some and shoved her boob in my face. In my drunken state, I didn't think very much and just sucked on her boob. To my surprise,

breast milk did indeed come out. I stopped after... I'm sorry. I stopped after 20 minutes. After a pint. I'm sorry. I started reading the next chapter, the next paragraph,

and saw a one phrase that I will... When I get to it, you'll go, that's why he paused. I stopped after the squirt and then we finished the dance. The next morning, I Googled around and learned to breast milk and transmit HIV. That's the three letters I saw

while I was reading the other sentence. I am scared shitless. I got HIV from a stripper. Apparently, you have to wait to go as soon as I can. Oh, sorry. Apparently, you have to wait a month to get tested for HIV, so I'm going to go as soon as I can.

My question for you, Amir, specifically, is... How do I cope with the possibility that I have a life-altering disease for the next couple of weeks while I wait to be tested? Thanks, Crispin Lab. Crispin Lab. A couple of bumble messages came in

while Gabriel was reading that. I've been reported. Does this ring true for you at all? Have you ever had lactating ladies while you're doing that? Which part are you asking the biological part about breast milk transmitting the HIV? I assume that's true.

I feel like that's... Okay, that's true, but I haven't had stripper's breast milk in years. Years and years and years. Have you ever had accidental breast milk? No, I've... It's always been on purpose. Not since I was nine.

Wow. I've never had accidental human breast milk. Yeah, that's... Wait, what did you... Just kiss my dogs, tell me, everyone. Kiss my dogs, tell me, and then I end up on Jake's computer. Have you ever had a scare,

a disease scared that to that such an extent? No, I've been, like, aggressively monogamous my whole life, which is true, like... I mean, yes, there's a number of great benefits of being with the same person for 15 years, but one of the top ones is never getting your P-hole swab. All right, you never have to think you have HIV. No, I mean, I'd like to...

Well, this guy doesn't have to think he has HIV either. He has HIV. Oh, you think it's for sure? Of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She has a stripper app for all. He got it. And that's fine.

Maybe that's a good bit of advice, is just assume you have it for three weeks. Start living your life like it's the last day of your life. And then when you don't have it, hey, let's all live. That's got a nice... That's nice. You got another second shot at redemption.

And then if you probably do have it, you're like, you know what? Joke's on you. I already thought I had it, doc. I've already come to terms with it. It was worth it to drink breast milk from a stripper. For a second. That's...

That's fucking wild. Do you know how much that shit costs if you don't accidentally, organically come into that situation? Trying to get a woman to squirt breast milk in your mouth costs a fortune. You know. I've heard. I'll never tell.

High protein, high calcium. It's perfect for CrossFit. It's a good pre-workout. My PWO is a fucking squirt of tit juice everywhere. Give me that boob, goober, baby. And some C4. C4. Explosives?

Plastic explosives? What was I going to say? Oh yeah, another good way to rest easy is that people can have HIV their whole life now a day. It seems like it's not a death sentence anymore. So our advice to this guy is that it's fine that he has HIV. Yes, you specifically for guidance. And your guidance is...

And this is how I would treat myself. I would say, odds are I have it. All right, fine. And if I don't, great. And if I do, you know what? There's drug cocktails that'll keep me alive forever. And I don't mean as long as a normal person. I mean forever.

I'm never going to die if I take this magic pill. Amir, have you ever done anything sketchy with a stripper? No. Because I'm afraid of the fucking breast milk thing. So what... Are you afraid... For real though, like you're not a strip club guy. I gather that based on your...

Glasses. Based on the way... The way you act when anyone's around, no less nude women. I'm like uncomfortable to ask on Mike... If Jake has any weird stripper stories. Um, there... Because I've never gotten like breast milk in my mouth, but I've gotten into a situation where there's a stripper where I was like,

Oh, I'm unprepared. This is more than I bargained for. There was a time that I found myself laying supine on a stage with a dollar bill creased across my nose. And a stripper squatting on my nasal passage to pick it up with her vagina. I've had a handful of lollipops taken out of my mouth by assholes. Good man. Literal assholes.

The weirdest... The weirdest stripper... The person was a lovely person, but her asshole took the lollipop. And I got to know a lollipop's personal lover. Level. I was at a bachelor party in Albany and a previous story... That's a great start. We'll actually come into play here.

We went to a strip club and I'm like, not really a strip club guy, so I was just kind of hanging out on the back. Oh, you're busting my balls for it, but you don't like it either. Oh, Liam Capers alone. No, I'm fucking sick and tired of you. I swear to God, he can break this thing. Please, don't give me another wedgie, Amir. Alright, continue.

I take bully over there. But for real, my taxes are due April 5th. Yeah, no, I have to follow the extension. I'm not a big strip club guy, but I am a big woman guy, specifically a big, big woman guy. And this one woman walk by who is about my height and build, which is exciting when you meet a woman like that,

and she goes, do you want to dance? And I'm like, I'm not really a strip club guy. And I'm up against the back wall, and she's six feet tall in her mid-200s. And she fucking takes a leg up and just puts it above my head on the shoulder. It's here, up against the wall. Her vagina is on my chest.

And she goes, do you want to dance? And I go, if by dance you mean wrestle, yes. And she goes, it'll be $100. Let's wrestle. And for $100, I, like, fought a woman in the VIP room. Did you... We, like, straight up, like, gripped up, like, on the back of our necks.

And we're, like, fighting in the fucking room. I was, like, hard as fucking. She's, like, putting her forearm on my neck and shit. I was, like, joke me, kill me. That's our show, everybody. Thank you. Thank you so much for coming, Mati. I'll give it up for yourself. Give it up for Gabriel.

Jason Amir! Thank you, guys. We'll be back tomorrow. Thank you. That was a hate gum podcast.