If I Were You - 289: Engaged

Episode Date: August 28, 2017

In this episode we discuss age, fiancés, and cross dressing.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. Whoa, that was a comedy bang bang parody by Jacob Legrand. Thank you. Do you appreciate it? From one Jacob to another? Yeah. Now that I know his name is Jacob, he can do no wrong. Thanks Jacob Legrand for creating that theme song for us back in the studio.

I haven't personally recorded a podcast in over two weeks because you've been flying all around the country. All over the place. You spent a week in Nantucket. Oh yeah. You spent a week in New York slash North Carolina. Oh yeah. And now you're back in Los Angeles. Feeling sad.

What? Feeling bad. That we're back in the studio or? I don't know. Or you're just post, this is like the feeling you get at the end of summer. Yeah, there's like a vacation sized hole in my heart. And it's over. I'm back to real life.

Can you be in a vacation forever or do you get antsy? I can be in vacation forever. You know, like what week in Nantucket going to the beach every day. I forgot about anything here existing. Yeah. And that includes. You. Yeah, okay.

Because I was going to tiptoe around it a little bit. No, no, no. Let's lean into it. Yeah. You were the first thing I forgot. And I went on vacation to forget you. And then when you remembered me, you were a little bit relieved. You were like kind of disappointed.

I thought you're happy for disappointment. You went from tiptoeing around. It is because you didn't want to hear the answer. What is it that when you hear. There was a pit in my stomach. Thought about me. Every unlike I would be enjoying a beer with my family. Yeah, I don't like beer.

And then like I would get a pit in my stomach. Yeah. What am I worried about? And then like. What was it? Did you have like gas? I would be like, oh, I have to return home. To this.

Everything. Traffic. To you specifically. Yeah, what else do you dislike? Cause you hate that. So now you know that I hate you and you want to just know if I had at least a couple other things. If it's like a package.

It's not like that. It's not like that. What is it? I hate you. Shoot me straight. It sounds like that's the last thing you want. I want to know the truth. You don't want to know the truth.

Cause it hurts to hear is all. Yeah. I stayed here in California, like a real Californian. I'm never leaving this state. Man. Nor do I need to. What about our Canadian tour that I want to do someday? What's that?

I wanted to crisscross Canada together. Oh, the crisscross Canada tour. The start in Vancouver and then whatever the eastern most city is. Sure. Montreal. Is it? Yeah. All right.

Cool. Yeah. Back we go Montreal. Is there a way we can make it a crisscross Canada and then another C word? So we can call it the four C something. Oh, crisscross Canada. Caravan. Yeah.

Caravan works. Camper. Yep. Oh, so we drive a camper across. Yeah. How long would that take? Probably a couple of days. Canada's not that big.

It's as big as. No. Not as big as my fucking country. Oh. Oh. Oh. How big is fucking Canada? Probably half the size of the US.

Not less, right? I mean from a map. East to west. What is that? I don't know. I don't really know. That's like Seattle to Idaho. There's no way he goes past that.

There's no way it continues, right? There's no way it continues, right? The message is up there. What else does it have? I mean, it looks like it's bigger, but I can't tell. Really? How does that work? Well, actually, no, it's not because we got Alaska.

That's right. We do. We fucking stole it from them. You didn't do it. No. I did it. It was part of the Louisiana Purchase. Hoorah!

No, that's. Oh, the easternmost city is, I mean, we could, and we would end up in like Newfoundland. Oh, I believe it's called Newfoundland. Because honestly, there's so fucking backwards there that they'll be like, they'll call it one thing and spell it another. Ass backwards. This is something we'll talk about on the tour. Absolutely.

This is if I were you, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by me. I'm Rory. Whoa. Oh, I totally spaced. All right. Introduce yourself again. Oh, yeah. I'm Rory.

I'm Cain. Really? Yeah. So while you're in Nantucket, I did this crazy thing. What? Changed your name to Rory. Yeah. Well, I'm just giving it a test.

I'm not doing it legally, but I wanted to see how that sounded coming out of my mouth. I definitely don't love it. Yeah. And that's not to say that it won't grow on me. Because you don't like Amir, but what are your thoughts on Rory? Oh, yeah. I am woman. Hear me, Rory.

Oh, so Rory's a woman. Yeah. So a lot happened while I was on vacation. Absolutely. Changed the old gender. You didn't just stay here like a real Angelina or whatever you said. You were here changing. Yeah, you didn't legally change your name.

But you got sex change. I spent it in Vermont. Like a real Californian? That's right. And now you identify as a different sex. Actually, speaking of gender fluidity, we got an email that touches on that. As always, these are real emails from real people. I'm going to call this person Rory, because he reminds me a little bit of myself, quite honestly.

Nice. Rory writes, Yo bros, I'm dating a smoke show of a queen lady. Who happens to be of bisexual orientation. Now, unbeknownst to her, I am a cross dresser. That's right. I like to dress in garments of a lady folk. Speaking honestly, I'm very convincing as a woman when I dress up and have even been hit on by straight men at bars when I go out dressed up.

I haven't told my girlfriend about this weird ass thing. But since she's bisexual, I look quite good as a lady. Do you think she'd be into it? I feel kind of guilty keeping the secret from her, but I also don't want to lose her over such a silly thing if she reacts poorly. I look forward to hearing your guys answer as I'm completely lost. Thanks a billion, huge fan. Love, Rory.

Okay. Have you ever dressed as a woman? When I was little, I would dress in my sister's dresses. Okay. When I was like, I don't know, four. But not since then. No, but I looked hot. Yeah, as a four-year-old boy girl.

Oh, when I was in sixth grade, I did a talent show where I was a spice girl. Yeah, that was your talent? Well, we did a lip-sync, me and a couple of girls. And four other girls. So do you... But by the way, I was sporty spice, so I was wearing pants. So everybody needs to realize. I'm not, no one judged you at all.

By the way, I see a picture of you. What'd you say? You're in complete face makeup and you're a scary spice. You're wearing a tutu. I was Mel B. I'm Mel B in the place to be. You got... And ask for me.

Yeah, you'll see. Send me buddy down with my $100 memory. I feel like we have friends that do this for fun. I don't quite understand the appeal. We do? Yeah, don't... Dave and Jeff dress up as girls for Halloween and quite like... Dave and Jeff like shaved his legs, I think.

Yeah. I think it sounds like it's different though. Like dressing up for a girl as a girl for Halloween and then like, you know, cross dressing for pleasure. Yeah, but that's how it starts. I feel like costume play and then it's like, maybe it's like, maybe I'll just fucking do it and go out. I don't know if it's that simple.

Maybe it is. Nothing is that simple. But one, I would say it's okay to tell your girlfriend about it. And two, I feel like he's extra safe because she's bisexual. Is that woke to say? Yeah, well, then she should at least understand being a little bit different than the norm. Yeah.

Also, I feel like he says, I don't want to lose her over such a silly thing. But if you like full on go to the bar dressed as a woman, that's not like a silly little thing. That's like a full on sexual preference you have. Or if not sexual preference. I wonder what... It's like, it's not nothing to you. Yeah.

That much is clear. You're spending a night as women sometimes. So yeah, I would... I want to talk to this guy and be like, when do you choose to go out as a woman? How do you buy a woman's clothes when you're out? Do you tell the people that are talking to you that you're actually a woman? Right.

What joy do you get that you don't get when you're dressed as a male? But I feel like if his girlfriend is bisexual, she's a little bit more open-minded about this kind of stuff. Yeah, that's true. It's safer than if you were just dating a really conservative lady. I never hear about a woman dressing up as a guy. Thoughts? There's like those movies about it.

G.I. Janes about that. Yeah, but when I think of cross-dressers, it's always male to female, right? There's probably a smaller section. Maybe they walk among us and we don't know. What the fuck is that supposed to mean? Maybe I am a lady and you... Get the fuck away from me!

It seems like that's more of a premise of a movie where your best buddy all of a sudden takes off her top and she's got a huge rack. Yeah. That is a movie, right? Yeah. Well, I want to know if cross-dressers can go both ways or when people say cross-dressers.

They definitely can go both ways. Yeah, but you never see it the other way. Do you? I was talking about this movie, dude. Yeah, that's a movie. It's not like an everyday thing. A person who dresses... A man who dresses up in women's clothes

is a male to female cross-dresser and a woman who dresses up as male is a female to male cross-dresser. There you go. My son is a cross... See, the two examples are my dad cross-dressed as Marilyn Monroe for the Halloween party, which is pretty funny.

And my son is a cross-dresser. Oh, God. Dad, you're so embarrassing. But in an actual way. All right, so we both say the same thing. Tell her... Tell her about it. Tell her everything you feel.

And I want to talk to a cross-dresser. I want to understand more. Yeah, we've had like... We've had... We have had bi people on the show, right? Yes. And we've had open relationship people on the show. Yeah.

And gay and straight people. You know what trips me up about cross-dressing is makeup. I don't like wearing makeup. Even if it's like makeup that you wear for TV, like guys have to put on powder and all that stuff too. Like, I wouldn't want... I don't know.

For whatever reason, I feel like claustrophobic and makeup and lipstick and all that stuff. Yeah. And a wig and a tight dress. I don't even like wearing like an expensive shirt. I don't like to stand out in any way. I try to just wear blue or gray and blend in. So, if I was wearing a dress, I would feel like...

What if it was a gray dress? Is it long? Yeah. I wouldn't want to wear a short dress. Yeah, a short little number. Actually, I can put you in a cute little short number. I would wear like a maxi or a midi. Oh, what?

Maybe. Well, there's like... The maxi is like the dress that goes down to your ankles. The midi goes down to like your mid... Like the calf. Got it. Would you be a maxinista? I would definitely do...

I would do a maxi dress, I guess. Yeah. That seems very comfortable. But then I would worry about my panty lines. I don't know. Yeah. Is that so simple? There's some dresses that look like tank tops

that go all the way down. Those seem comfortable. It's just kind of cool, but I don't know. But then, yeah, it's the wig and the makeup and stuff. I start feeling a little claustrophobic, like I said. Like, I'm wearing too much stuff or I'm closed in or there's stuff on my skin. I don't like wearing jewelry either.

I don't even wear a watch. Well, for certain people that like... They don't feel comfortable wearing anything, but the makeup and the dress and the wig and that stuff. And that's like... That's when they feel more like themselves. I think that's what cross-dressing is about, right? Yeah.

You don't do it because you want to be uncomfortable and stand out. You do it because that's what makes you feel best. Kind of like how you feel best just covered in ketchup lying on your floor. Oh, very funny. Oh, that's so rich. Oh, I can't wait to hear more about this,

this fucking ketchup thing. That was one time. Sorry, Rory. Rory doesn't have a good attitude. She's sort of thin-skinned and most of all... Covered in ketchup. Yeah. She snaps quite easily, unfortunately.

She has a short fuse and a short temper. All right, let's answer another question and see what we got here. Oh, here's a question from a lady. Hey, oh. Do you have a lady's name? Let's call her... Eliza.

I like it. Hey there, Eliza writes, I'm a 21-year-old girl just recently turned 21 and I've been dating this 25-year-old guy for about three months. He's super hot, really successful. Fun and sex is the bomb. Hi, oh.

Things were going great and I wanted him to come to my birthday dinner and meet some of my family and friends until he sat me down the other day and told me that he's been lying about his age to me and that he's actually 34. The ugliest age you can be. I'm 34.

Oh, shit. I really like him and I don't know what to do. Do I give him a second chance? Is the age difference fine? Help. But yeah, let's come back to Minneapolis. Loved it. Loved Minneapolis.

Here's a question. Yeah. It's legal to be 34. The end. And here's a question. It's legal to be 34. This sounds like you're justifying it. Well, my question, it is like,

if she's 21 and he's 34, that's a legal relationship. Yes. So it really does come down to personal preference. Yeah. It depends on the 34. It depends on the 21. Some 34s feel like 29

and some 21s feel like 30. But why? It's so fucked up for if this guy was 50 and he was dating a 21-year-old. Or if it was a woman and she was 50 and she was dating a 21-year-old, I would be like, that's nasty. But why is it fine for...

This is a different question. But then if she was 16 and the guy was 19, that's illegal. Yeah. But it's a much more acceptable age range. Yeah. That makes sense. I think it's more about the percentage difference

than the age difference. So 16 and 20, somebody's 25% older than you. But 34 and 21 is also... that much of a percent. But the older you are, the less the difference matters. There's that formula that is...

divide your age by 2 and plus 7. Do you subscribe to that? What's 16 plus 7 is what? So if this guy's 34, you divide it by 2. That's 17. And then add 7, 24. So the... Wait, 34 divided by 2 is 17?

Yeah. Wow. Imagine that. Insane. Wait, what's 32 divided by 2? 16. Oh, so I was right about that. Plus 7.

But I can't figure that one out. Oh, because you're 32. You're trying to figure it out? Yeah, I'm trying to figure it out for myself to see if I agree with it. Yeah, so your... 16 plus 7 is obviously 23. 23.

Okay. So your acceptable age range is 23 and up. Does that sound about right? Yeah, that sounds about right. But I could definitely still fuck a 20-year-old if I needed to. Yeah, like if you had to. Like if it was part of a fucking like game show

or something. No, 23 sounds about right. Because that's like... I think that divided by 2 plus 7 is more of like a socially acceptable thing rather than like a legal thing. Right. Legality is 18 and over?

Yes, I believe it is. Right. So... So creepy. Like when you... Now that I think about... You know, remember when the Olsen twins had like a countdown until when they turned 18?

Oh yeah, my website. Jesus. Which was like... It felt sort of normal when I was like... I think I was around that age too. Right. But now that I think about like 60-year-olds waiting until the Olsen's turned 18.

Like... Oh, that's so nasty. Yeah. That's because now you're closer to a 60-year-old than an 18-year-old. Interesting. Am I? No.

So this case specifically 34 and 21. One, is it weird the age difference there? Two, there's the whole lying thing. That's what's weird. To moi. Yeah. But maybe she wouldn't have... Maybe she wouldn't have wanted to be with a 34-year-old.

So he's like, I'll lie and then I'll show her how great I am. And then when I tell her the truth, she'll know the real me. And it's then too late to break up with me. But then you also have to think about like even when you're okay with it, you have to introduce a 34-year-old to your parents

and all your friends. And do you want to fight that uphill battle of everybody being like, this guy's a little cradle robber? Right. So one of this calculation, 34 divided by 2 is 17 plus 7. She's three years too young.

Yeah. But that same age difference, 13 years becomes less of a big deal the older you get. Like if he was 40 and she was 27, that's the divide by 2 plus 7 thing. So she can either wait six years and then it becomes socially acceptable where she's 27, he's 40.

What's the same 13 years? When he's 90. And here, a spry is 77. Yeah. Yeah, wait till then. Let's do that. That sounds good. That's basically the same age, percentage-wise.

Right. So first of all, 34-year-old pretending to be 25. Those are some good genes. Yeah, good for you. Good man. He's completely bald. Yeah. I thought he was 50.

But then the whole lying thing, you can't be like, yeah, give him a second shot because even though he's a liar. But he did end up telling the truth. He confessed eventually. Yeah. I wish that he lied about being like 31 or something. 34 is just a little weird.

Yeah. Lying to be nine years younger is kind of fucked. Yeah. That's literally my age, 34, lying to be a 25-year-old. You think, yeah, like if you lie to be 25, he must know that it's kind of weird. Yeah. Usually hear about the lying in the other way.

The girl will be like, I'm 25. And then she's like, oh, I'm actually 20. Right. Oh, God. But this is the whole lying down thing. What do you think I can lie until? What do you think? Once I start saying what age would it sound unbelievable?

I think you could get down to 30. Really? Yeah. 29, nobody's buying it? Maybe somebody does. What if I dye my gray hair? Yeah, then you get down to 19. Really?

Amazing. I think you could get maybe 29. 29. Yeah. That's pretty good. Not bad. Especially because I don't think I can get down below 30. Really?

People usually think I'm older than I am. Do they think? I wonder if people, strangers would think you're older than me. I think people have thought that before. Yeah. I've read those in my forehead. But is it average? We have to show strangers photos of us and see what people end up thinking.

All right. All right, so for this lady, what do you want to tell her? Wait, the question is like, should she keep on hanging out with him? Yeah. I think at the very least you can introduce him to people and then see what everybody thinks. Yeah. And if people are like, no, this is creepy, then not that you should always do what everybody

thinks. But I feel like this is a specific kind of thing that I would personally crowdsource. It's hard because you want to tell this girl, you're like, you're 21, this guy was lying to you. Don't you understand? But then he's hot and successful and fun and the sex is bomb. So I don't want him to, I don't want her to just throw it away. What if he's super apologetic?

If you're already having sex with it, like, I feel like it's already too late. You know, you fucked the 34 year old. Yeah. So you might as well like, see what's up and if he gets along with your friends. I wonder if she would have dated him if she knew the real age the whole time, 34, God, what an oldie. I, when I was in high school, I had teachers in their 20s, they were younger than I am now.

Yeah, that's so weird. Especially because I'm not actually fucking, this is stupid, but I'm actually 39. Oh no. Yeah. You lied to me. I lied to everyone. What was it? What movie was it?

Almost famous where he finds out that he's younger than his parents had always told him he was. Oh, they told him the truth. He was like, by the way, you're not actually 17, you're 14. Yeah, something like that. That would be fun to find out now. Yeah. You could definitely lie to your kid at the very least about his birthday, probably about

his birth year. I used to get in trouble because my mom, somebody would be in the mall, I don't remember exactly how it happened, but I remember yelling, no mom, you're 35. You're 35. Like she lied to somebody about her age and she was really mad at me. And you were 35. You remember your mom when she was my age? Yeah.

Wow. Right, because she was 29 when she had me. Wow. Imagine that. 29. Do you remember your mom when she was your age currently? Yeah, probably. Yeah, she was 30 because she was 32 when she was pregnant with the triplets.

And you remember that? I remember that, yeah. Is that your first memory? I remember, my first memory is like falling down the stairs when I was two. Daddy pushed me. Daddy pushed me. Because I was being a loud little muffin. Well, I remember learning over and over again, fell down the stairs.

Fell down the stairs. Hey, yeah, he hammered it home. No, I remember reaching, I was crawling up the stairs. And I reached for a toy and then I remember like all the stairs were like falling out from under me and like slipping down. Wow. And I was, and I didn't know at the time, obviously, but my mom told me later on that I was two when that happened.

Wow. So I remember that. That is very young memory. How so sort, I think I remember something else that happened when I was two, burning my hand on a stove. Two very traumatizing events, none of the happy stuff. Yeah. I remember stuff from Israel and I don't remember if it was like before we moved to LA when

I was like two and a half or like when we visited back when I was like four or five. I remember a Pringle, a memory of a Pringles can in America because my entire family of five was living in a two bedroom apartment in the valley and one of the snacks that we had were Pringles and they were made, they were still in the canister like a tennis ball thing, but they had the metal thing that you pull off, the metal pull off tab. And I remember playing a wheel of fortune board game with like my cousins or my brothers and like I was just like leaning back, like sort of like sitting on my hands, but one of my hands was being sliced by the metal disc and somebody's like, ah, your finger

is bleeding. And I'm like, ah, like it felt like an itch to me at the time, but the top of the Pringles can was slicing my finger. Got it and he saw it and he just freaked out. It was the 80s. We didn't know better. We could have metal fucking slices automatically in the wound. Saw a sour cream and onion.

Oh, Jesus Christ. I still like just any salt barbecue salt. I still like Pringles a lot. Pringles are great. So for this one, what are we telling? Final answer. You you're already dating the 34 year old. So I feel like the damage is done and she's she's worried about the lie and

introducing him to the friends. Yeah. I mean, you might as well introduce him to the friends because they're either going to be like thumbs up or thumbs down. Yeah. So I think you need a larger test audience. I wouldn't break up though right now. Yeah.

I feel like I wouldn't break up, but at the same time, I feel bad telling her not to break up, not to punish the liar 34 year old guys telling the 21 year old girl not to break up with the 34 year old. All right. So let's let's start from the top. I'll break up with this fucking creep ass lying perv. I mean, it's true kind of cause I wouldn't lie about this and you wouldn't. So the fact that he did is kind of creepy.

Fuck it. Full reversal. Break up with the fucker. Let's take a break. Thanks. Some sponsor and we'll be back with more Rory Rory. This show is sponsored by better help. Thank you.

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Let's launch it. Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you, Squarespace. And we've returned since we recorded last, you became a 32 year old and turned 32. Yeah. And also you've been engaged to marry someone you're engaged. I've become engaged. You've become a fiance.

You left as a 31 year old bachelor. Yeah. And you've returned to 32 year old finance. Yeah. That's what that's what the male one is called, right? It is weird to become a fiance. A fiance is a male and female, right? Yes.

I think it's weird because boyfriend and girlfriend is different for gender, husband and wife, but when you're in that little gray zone, oh, we're both the fiance, yes, I am a fiance now. It would be funny if, if it was the girl was the fiance and the man was the fiance. Fianzo. I am her fiance. And so she is my fiance.

Oh, say what you so. What happened? How are you married now? I'm not married. Oh, right. Of course. You just promised your, you've promised to marry. Yeah.

I've been sort of low key dating somebody for a while. Yeah. Low key in the podcasting sense. Yeah. You didn't mention her in the pod. No, keeping her a little secret to myself. Smart, smart. But now that you're fianced.

Now I'm fianced. You feel fianed to at the very least say that on the show. I feel like everybody, I feel like a lot of people saw it happen. Yeah. And it's kind of weird if we don't discuss it. It's on your Instagram. Everybody I'm engaged. It's crazy that it's Instagram official.

Like I thought you'd become engaged. That's fine with the fact that it's Instagram official. That's like legit. Yeah. No, it's actually the reverse. It's crazier. Yeah. I mean, it's one thing to buy somebody a ring and promise the rest of your life to them.

But like to post it on Instagram. Yeah. That's insane. Was there pressure about the post? Because you know it's going to be a liked post. Yeah, that's true. I thought about the like post a little bit. I thought about the thought about the photo.

We also didn't post it on Instagram for a little bit. It's crazy. Have the yeah, this privacy of the moment and like you think about what filter you're going to use as a kid. And then that moment comes and you just fucking throw it all away. So like I love you. I want to spend my whole life with you. You're amazing.

And what do you think? Mayfair. Yeah. Emeril. I can actually vignette it and I will make it right. Oh, shit. There's a typo. I can't remember what I did if it was Mayfair or if it was.

Yeah. Can you go back and see what filters you applied to a photo? That's a big question. I don't. I wonder. I doubt it. We should say that the picture is heavily, heavily photoshopped. Right?

Oh, yeah. I mean, ours. My fiance is a 98 year old man. Her team or her team actually spent days photocropping it. Yeah. No, you can't. You can't change the filter. You can change the caption itself.

Oh, fuck. Is it your most liked photo? It is. So I feel like right off the bat, it's paying off dividends. Yeah. It's not enough new followers, though. So if you're out there, you should really go follow and like my photo. Oh, my gosh.

Oh, come on. What the hell other point is there? So now you go from, you know, kind of thinking about maybe stressing about like popping the question straight into stressing about and thinking about a wedding. Yeah, stressing about a wedding. We can. I mean, well, this this will be a year long thread, hopefully.

Yeah, that we can talk about. Instantly dive into wedding venue research, which is insane. People booked their venue year, two years in advance. The first place I saw, I really liked and I found out it wasn't available until 2019. Wow. You know, it'd be cool if you just fucking were rich and baller and you're like, oh, I have a wedding venue every year for the next five years.

I would, if I was rich and baller, I would probably rather you can just like buy someone out for their date. Like, oh, you have the wife right to be. Yeah, like, you guys, hey, I heard you guys had August 23rd. I'll marry her. How's that? So I'll double it. Yeah.

And I'll marry her. And like this and these venues do like five weddings a week, six weddings a weekend sometimes. Six a weekend. Yeah. It seems like they got to have one per weekend. It's frustrating because you spend so much money and then you're like, and then they're like, oh, yeah, well, you can't have the space until this time.

You have to get up at this time because another wedding's coming in. Like, so my ass, I'm not special. I would give you tens of thousands of dollars and I'm not special. And I'm waiting for, just like waiting for another ceremony to end in a tuxedo. Right. Like, I don't want to pass another bride in the hallway going to the bathroom. Yeah, but what are you supposed to buy out a place for an entire weekend? No, because like, and those, that's been sort of the difference.

You can either do a place that just does weddings and they turn them over and you're not special and like you, you know, you look up this wedding venue and there's just hundreds and hundreds of people's wedding albums there. Yeah. But they're like a well-oiled machine and they have all the chairs and they have all the tables and they know how, and like they don't, they make their own cake on the site. Oh, great.

Or you can be like, total DIY. I found this amazing property upstate and it's a barn, but there are horses that usually, and if I pay the farmer, he'll take them out and I can rent the tent and I can rent the lights. Can the farmer make a cake on site? So there's just like 10 different vendors that you have to pull together yourselves to make it happen there. So there's pros and cons to everything.

Yeah. What about a baller's person's house? I actually looked, I did look into just like a dope-ass Airbnb with a ton of property. Yeah, I wonder if anybody's ever Airbnb'd and thrown a wedding. People used to ask me if they could throw it at my Williamsburg loft roof because I had my old apartment on Airbnb. And then they said, can we have a wedding on your roof? Yeah, because at the White Hotel, which was right down the street, it was,

I looked into this one too. It's insanely expensive. It's almost $100,000 to throw your wedding there. A hundred grand? Because it's like 50 just to rent the space. And then you're not paying for any of the drinks. Then it's like, you know, $300 per person for food and drinks. It's insane.

Wow. So they would email me and they'd be like, hey, would you let us throw our, have our ceremony on your roof? You should have just charged them 50 grand. I had any idea how much people were charging. I would have, but I was just like, no, I'd get in trouble. It's not worth the 90 bucks or how much would you pay me for access? Yeah, it should have just been like $25,000.

And if I get in trouble, I'll pay off one of my neighbors. Oh, my lordy. All right, well, keep us posted every week for the rest of your life. Yeah. And then what do you get to do? You have to start planning the divorce. And like, that's a much sadder thing because you have to like get a lawyer and all that shit.

You didn't even say congratulations on the angle. You're talking about planning my divorce. Mosul, whatever. It does buy you a lot, saying you're fiancee. Even if you're not engaged out there and you have a girlfriend, just start saying fiancee. Like we were on a flight that was getting rerouted and we had to like figure some shit out and I was, and I was like, yeah, my fiancee and I are trying to

go and they were like, they just made it happen. Like more gravitas than a wife and marriage? I guess, I bet probably wife and kid or something, maybe gives you a little bit of gravitas or like infant does, but like wife, no, you're like old news. Fiancee, like people, people, like warms people's hearts because they make, it makes you them feel like young love. All right. What in fact.

Girlfriend is like, oh, whatever. Yeah, she and girlfriend be the youngest love love of all. You would think so, but girlfriend, at least I was reaching the point where it seemed like people were like upset that I had just had a girlfriend. This is gone off for too long. Okay, when are you going to make it real? Come on. You should really buy her a rock.

You should really call yourself a fiance. Congratulations on getting fiancee. To my fiancee. You and I are fiancees. It's a good name for a TV show. Fiancees? Yeah. We'll talk about it offline.

Cool. Let's call this guy fiancee because he, oh, actually let's call him guy fiancee. Because he's got a question for us and he's a 22 year old male college student. He says he was recently diagnosed with a condition called geographic tongue. It's a rare condition characterized by- It's a rare condition this day and age. Yeah. Characterized by deep grooves and fissures that slowly cover the tongue.

There's no cure and it will continue shedding my tongue and shredding my tongue until it looks like a pile of ground beef. It's fucking gross. This condition isn't contagious and apparently only about 2% of people develop it. It's also considered benign so it won't cause any additional health problems. But I've already become extremely self-conscious about my tongue's appearance even though it doesn't look too bad yet. It became a constant weight on my mind.

I want to know if you have any advice for myself or people in general who are dealing with health issues that they can't control. Or how do you guys personally cope with things that you are self-conscious about? Additionally, I've dated- I've been dating this incredible woman on and off for about 2 years now and I'm completely in love with her. I haven't told her about my diagnosis yet and I'm terrified that I'll lose her because of it. This may be irrational but I can't seem to find the words to tell her.

Thank you both so much from a day one love. Guy Fianzo. Alright. Guy Fianzo is so afraid. This is funny because I read this. I recently found out myself. I always thought I had a fucked up tongue but turns out I have a geographic tongue. How did that come?

You just found out that it was geographic? You just thought you had a weird tongue? Yeah, I just thought I had a weird tongue. I didn't know there was a name to it. I didn't know there was a diagnosis to it. But then I said that to you and you said you had a geographic tongue. Is that something you knew about your whole life? Yeah, I've known about my geographic tongue since high school or something

because my friends were like, your tongue's fucked up. Yeah, it just basically means you can Google image search but it basically means there's cracks and crevices in the tongue. Sometimes little white rings or something. I feel like my tongue changes all the time too. Maybe it doesn't. Maybe I just don't look at it that often. Yeah.

But sometimes it's like more geographic than others. But he's talking about it like it's a secret this Guy Fianzo. And he's like, what do I tell her? How do I break the news? First of all, she probably knows what your tongue looks like if she's been with you for two years, right? Yeah. And secondly, what is there to tell?

What is there to do? I don't understand. Being self-conscious about your tongue. Like if your life is so good that you only have to worry about your tongue, I think that's a good thing because that's like inside your mouth most of the time. Yeah. And it doesn't, you can't even, it's never come up for me in the past. Never has anyone been freaked out, grossed out or anything to out by my tongue.

It's happened to me once, but it's fine. What happened? Well, my friends in high school told me how to gross tongue. Oh yeah, but not like any lady sexual stuffs. I think people, when people see a geographic tongue, like, they just want to know that it's not, it doesn't hurt and it's not contagious. So that's all that you really have to say. Like, yeah.

No, it's not a disease. It's like having connected ear lobes or something. Yeah, do you have those? Yeah. Oh. Oh. Oh yeah. Did you tell your fiance?

I have webbed feet, clubfoot, tail, a cleft eyelid, hooked everything, a hunchback, a nasal scoliosis. Remember that video? Baryodontic rosacea. We just combined different body parts with different diseases. Love that. I actually have a geographic asshole. So it's bumped and bruised, it's curved and creviced.

How do you guys personally cope with things? So obviously, besides tongue, because this doesn't make me feel self-conscious, is there stuff that you or I are self-conscious about? I mean, there are stuff, physical things that I think about. They're like the things, I often say that there's, when you look at a photo of yourself, like someone takes a couple photo or a group photo, everyone looks at the photo and they all look, one, at themselves first, two, at like this certain thing that you hope doesn't show up. Yeah, yeah.

So my thing sometimes is shininess on my face, because when I'm indoors and I'm sweating, I get like a greasy, shiny forehead and cheeks and nose. So I look at a photo, boom, that's the thing that I'm most self-conscious about. Do you have anything like that? Yeah, well, it's always shifted. When I was younger, I thought my nose was too big, because most of my friends were not Jewish and they didn't have, well, not that that means anything, but yeah, it does. Most of my friends didn't have big noses, but mine was biggest.

And now my nose, I either grew into it or I'm very used to it, so it feels... Yeah, now that your head is bigger, your nose feels fine. Feel fine. I'm not really worried about my nose anymore. Then thought I was like too chubby. Now I guess it's, I mostly look to see if my stomach looks fat. Right, if you have like the, what's it called? The gut.

The gut. Right, and then a lot of people like adjust, like, oh wait, take it again. I have to stand or look or face. Wait, get on this side of me, get on this side of me. Don't take it from that angle. I'm not wearing this shirt ever again. I had a wedding picture once and recently and my shirt looks so baggy. Like my sleeve from wrist to shoulder looked like a really puffy baggy shirt,

but it was oddly a slim fit shirt, but for whatever reason it looked like a puffy. I just, I haven't told her about my diagnosis yet. This may be irrational, but I can't seem to find the words to tell her. I don't think you have to like sit her down and say it. You can, it can come up in passing. Like, oh, by the way, do you know what a geographic tongue is? Do you really think it's 2%? What are the odds that me and you both have it?

I don't know. That's a, you should look that up. But then I look at these photos of these smooth tongues and my God, they seem so foreign to me. Yeah. I've never had a nice flat pink tongue. I would love that. That sounds awesome. Yeah.

I wonder if there's plastic surgery. And I wonder if people taste things differently. I always thought maybe because I have this rough, crackly, bumpy tongue that maybe I'm more like, that's why I don't like bitter foods like beer. Oh, but I like bitter foods. I know. And I don't like spicy food, but you do. I don't know.

I used to think it made me better at going down on people. Oh, because it's like ribbed for their pleasure. Oh yeah, not mine. I used to keep little things in the crevasses of it. So I'll put like a little folder in there. And then when people are like, oh, what's your name? Oh, let me give you my business card. And I'll reach deep into my tongue's crevice.

It looks like, you know, like the Star Wars, the Millennium Falcon, it goes into those like roads, the grooves. So mine is that deep. It's probably 8, 10, 15 feet tall. That's insane. Yeah. And then you can actually like dig into it, go down into it. And I'll, yeah, like I said, store files. I parked my car there once.

Wow. On my tongue. You drove your car into your own mouth? I'm trying to see if this guy has any other questions. General health issues that they can't control. I feel like this guy's overreacting. Yeah. This isn't a health issue.

I think it's fine. Yeah. It's better than, I don't know, diarrhea. Diarrhea. Diarrhea. Yeah. It's better than having diarrhea or unfixable. IBS or something.

Yeah. Unfixable body. Now we're just making other people feel bad. Right. What are you insecure about? Yeah. Big nose, shiny for it. Everyone out there is beautiful.

Yeah. That's all right. But also everyone out there has something. It's impossible to be perfect. Right. That's the great equalizer. We're all dealing with something. But some people is not a big deal as geographic tongue.

Some people have serious problems. Yeah. Like this and this. God, can you imagine having this? How's your, speaking of body stuff, how's your working out with Billy? Still going. But Billy broke his foot playing basketball. Oh yeah.

I saw that. So now I'm working out with Adam. I want to, I can't fully commit because I'm not 100% sure if I want to do it yet. But I think I want to try working out with you guys for the month of September. Oh really? Because I've got new health goals. Now that I'm a fiance, I want to be absolutely shredded, shredded for my wedding. That means you have like a year.

Yeah. Exactly. I usually am like, my fitness is on like a couple of weeks to a month. Yeah. Like, oh, I'm trying to get in good shape for this vacation or this thing. Right. But now I've got this, I got a major life event. Long-term goal.

And I want to be jacked, shredded. Not even jacked. I want to be a lean 160. But it's, yeah, like for a wedding, you're not, you're wearing a suit. It almost hides everything. It doesn't matter what you look like. I think it's, it's for me, working out is almost always more about the way I feel than look.

Right. So like, you don't want to. If I'm buttoning up a tuxedo over a rippling eight pack. Right. I'm going to feel humiliated. So you want, you need your bachelor party to happen now because if it happens, like, as close as possible to the wedding, you're going to feel like garbage down. Oh man, we're going to start talking about the batch.

We should invite all of our listeners. That's a fun idea. So we should at least invite them to tell me where I should have it. Crowd source where I should have my bachelor party. Okay. Part two, this goes into my health and fitness regimen. You got me for my birthday, a water pick. Yeah.

So I want to, I want to get my teeth really fucking white and healthy and clean for my wedding too. Okay. Just like, I'm basically setting up the rest of my, you know, the wedding is the rest of your life. Yeah. Like a 10 out of 10. And then I just slowly decline till I die.

I want to, I want to decline and die at zero out of 10. I want to be out of shape, toothless, ruthless and dumb. Right. Exactly. All right. I can't wait to see how that goes. Thanks to everybody that's written in. Thanks to those who submitted theme songs the last couple of weeks.

Keep them coming. The opening one is from Jacob LeGrand. This closing one is from Pure Parade, which is a Swedish band, I believe. If you have a question, a theme song or anything in between, send them all over to ifireushowatgmail.com. Yeah. This closing theme song is a young Swedish band called Pure Parade and they have an acoustic version of their song. Maybe they would do my wedding.

Holy shit. Awesome. Their SoundCloud is SoundCloud.com slash Pure Parade. So thanks to Pure Parade. Thanks to Jacob LeGrand. Thanks to you guys for listening. Thanks to the fiance himself. Appreciate y'all.

Thanks for the love and support. We'll be back next week. Ta-da. Goodbye. That was a hate gum podcast.