If I Were You - 29: Dick And Nipples

Episode Date: October 17, 2013

In this episode we discuss how to tell if somebody likes you, and how many sexual partners is too many. Also Tinder.This episode is brought to you by SquareSpace.com. Create a website, even an eCommerce store, in minutes! And use coupon code "Jake" for 10% off your order in October.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

When I find myself in times of trouble A mirage ache makes fun of me Listen to the broadcast and seize the cheese And in the time allotted They will make me laugh until I pee You do you, if I will, unto me Seize the cheese, you and me, who I would be So don't be, you give us half-assed answers Seize the cheese If I were you show dot com, check it

All right Was he making fun of you at the end there? What are you making fun of me? I feel like you talk like that sometimes. Yeah, right now. No, no, no. Nah man, that was John Lennon. That's crazy. That was nuts, man.

That was actually two guys named Max and Evan. Yeah, but John Lennon made that song. He made the original, but that was like a parody. It's crazy. He's a Beatle and he's a fan of the podcast. Holy shit, you're wrong in so many ways. You thought Lennon B's original lyrics were Seize the cheese? I really think that John, I think that Paul, I think that Ringo, George, and your co-ono. I think they all like the podcast.

I hope this starts a flood gate of parody theme songs. That'd be cool. They're already like my new favorite and I've only listened to one. I really like, I don't know, maybe it's because I grew up on Weird Al. That one really tickled my fancy. Yeah, you like Weird Al? I didn't know that about you. Yeah, because I'm Jewish and nerdy and in between the ages of 20 and 60.

Yeah, I could imagine you liking Weird Al. Oh, you didn't like Weird Al? Yeah, I liked the original version of Gangsta's Paradise. I really did. I was cool. I was coolio for Halloween, specifically. Anyway, this is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet, hosted by us. I'm Amir. And I'm Jake.

Seize the cheese, seize the cheese. I mean, he did it really well. Seize the cheese, seize the cheese. Why are you just trying to highlight how bad you are? There will be a you do you, seize the cheese. Remember the email we got last week? It was one of my favorite emails that we've ever gotten. It was some guy that's subject constructive criticism.

Oh, yeah. And the body said something to the effect of you guys are great. Don't ever sing. It's not funny. It's just annoying. So in conclusion, when you sing, it's not funny. It's annoying and nobody likes it. Now my fear that we're now we're talking about that email. People are just like, actually, I agree with that because I can't handle that blow to my ego. You have to understand every time I sing, I think I sound like an angel.

Yeah. And that everyone else thinks I sound like an angel too. I'm just tone deaf. That's all. Well, we will actually, I think we're never going to sing again. Oh, whoa. Dude. Holy shit.

Jesus. That was angelic. You notice in the unit, we did that same joke. This we're recording this after the live episode that we shot on Saturday at Comic Con when Pete started singing opera. We both said at the same time, holy shit, which is like a bit that we both do. So we like both did it at the same time to Pete. It was a it was a beautiful. It was a proud moment.

It really was a beautiful, beautiful thing. It was more than anything. I hate that so much. I was like, it was humbling. God, they must relish the chance to say it was humbling. I really am humbling. No one ever says that when they're not bragging, right? I think I am humbled.

I was humbled. I really was. I was humbled. Yeah. Humble people never actually say that they're humbled. Yeah. You don't have to say you're humbled if you're humbled. I think I'm the most humbled actually.

Yeah. More than anything, I was humbled. Yeah. And I think I'm better than everyone because of this. And that's how humble I am. So the way this podcast works. Have we not said that? No, we haven't yet.

Cool. People write in with problems, sticky situations, conundrums, and we do our best to help them out, or at least publicly shame them into being a better person. Or just publicly shame them not into being a better person. Or just to publicly shame them so we feel better about ourselves. Or I think is what happens 100% of the time. Yeah.

It's more for like entertainment value than for anything else if you think about it. We really are humbled by the amount of emails that we've been getting. And I think having a podcast really keeps me humbled. Yeah. It humbles me more than anything. So should we get to the first couple questions? Humble me for this bumble bee? I don't know.

You do. You don't know. Yeah. I do think I need to leave for the humble me bumble bee rhyme. I'm not going to call it a joke. Just because it rhymed doesn't make it poetry. It wasn't. I really, I feel like I've been writing exclusively in rhymes for the last at least year.

Yeah. Because that's the way our videos are turning into slam poetry. There's something funny about rhyming. I love rhymes. I just noticed two things. One, I didn't, I usually organize the questions by what I think the best order that we should answer them. And I haven't done that yet. I did feel a little underprepared when we clicked on record.

Yeah. I was surprised when that happened. So this one is going to be a little more raw. This is the latest we've ever done a podcast aside from the one that we did when we were getting drunk. Yeah. Yeah. It's dark. It's dark out.

Yeah. It's like 8 or 9 p.m. Yeah. It's 8.30. It's 8.30 p.m. Yeah. Crazy. It's like a candle lit apartment now.

It's burning incense. He's lit some candles. He's more than shirtless. He's bottomless. He answered the door in a weird robe that was tied just so his dick and nipples were hanging out. It's like you tied it backwards. Jake started saying something. I put my index finger over his lips and led him to the microphone.

I said, don't say a word. Yeah, then he locked the door behind me. I don't know what to do. Then I asked him if he liked the Beatles. Jake said no and I started playing the theme song. His dick and nipples. Your dick and nipples are out. She's the cheese.

She's the cheese. My dick, my nipples, my slick dimples, my pink pimples. It's not simples. No, it's difficult. Should we get started? For the love of God, please. Yeah, I think we answered a question. If anything, we should stop.

Alright, first question. Comes from a lady. We'll call her Robin. Robin. This is a real email from a real person, but we changed their name to preserve their anonymity. Correct. Dear Jake and Amir, I'll cut right to it. I'm a chick who really likes sex.

I'm the town trollop who just sleeps with randos. I've always known guys pretty well for fairly long periods of time before sleeping with them. But after getting out there out of a three-year relationship and being a single lady again, now I'm worried about my number creeping up even higher. How many guys is too many guys to sleep with over a lifetime? Do you ever ask a girl her number and how much does it really matter? Thanks, Robin. Ooh.

Interesting question. A girl's number. A girl's number. So when you ask for a girl's number, that's like because you want to have a phone call with her later, right? Oh, that's funny. You're at a bar. Hey, what's your number? 14.

Okay. And I'd appreciate you didn't judge me on it. Ass wipe. Oh, no, I was asking for your phone number. Oh, well, I'm extension 14. Actually, I know someone at Pack Bell. My phone number is 14. You know how emergencies are 9-1-1?

Yeah, well, I'm 1-4. Can you imagine the find of the century? You really won the lottery with that chick. Well, I think the find of the century would be finding a girl whose phone number is her sexual number. That'd be cool. Yeah, like a girl that slept with 818 million people, 431,000, 1.085. God, you're nerdy. You're so nerdy that you could do that.

Well, it was really bad. So if there are actual nerds out there, that was a way, way, way off. You're so uncool. You're so uncool that you're apologizing to the nerds who might call you out for not getting that number right. And you're so cool that you didn't think to call me out on it. I'm so cool that I stopped listening as soon as I knew you were going to make a math joke. Well, I actually have a formula in my brain after reading that question. Do you want to try to address this question first?

The basic, the gist is she's afraid she slept with too many guys and that if a guy asked her how many guys she slept with at her number, aka the amount of people that she slept with is too high. Do you ask girls for their number? I personally do not. So you don't care how many guys a girl slept with before you? No, not at all. But I know, like, I think that there's, I guess it's just different for different people. Like, there are people that are well-asked and care, and then there are people that won't ask and care,

and then there are people that, I mean, it just, as long as you're cool with it, then it doesn't matter. Then you'll just find somebody that's cool with it. Well, it's different depending on how old you are. So this is the formula I've come up with. Jake's already asleep. I'm using the candles to burn down the apartment. Amir's robe is currently on fire. His dick and nipples.

They're just coated in grease. They went right up. Like a woman burning her highly flammable bra. My dick and nipples just eviscerated. His flaming dimples are, oh, he's gone. I'm dickless, nipples. What's the formula, you fucking nerd? Formula.

How many girls, how many guys would you say is a lot to sleep with in a year? I would say 10 is pretty aggressive. 10 is a lot in a year. Yeah. 10 is a lot to sleep with 10 people in a year. I think that would be considered in the pretty high territory. Okay. I'm not saying anything.

So you do the math at 10 a year. I would say on average a girl becomes sexually active around age 18. Oh, my God. This really is like math class. I fated. I dipped out just there for a second. Holy shit. Take it through to me.

Come on. I really want this to work. Mr. Blumenfeld, don't give up on me. I know I can get it, Mr. Blumenfeld. I know you just want to send me to detention like all my other teachers. No. I want to be in charge of you. You're worth it.

So, okay. So your age is X, variable X. Okay. So X minus 18 times 10 is what your number should be. So let's say, for example, for example, a woman is 25. Right. So she's been sexually active for on average seven years times 10, 70. That's a pretty high number, but I would say in the not too crazy zone.

Wow. So unless your number is higher than your age minus 18 times 10, you don't have anything to worry about. And yeah. So for example, Jake, your number that you wouldn't have to worry about would be your age 28 minus 18, 10 times 10, 100. So like, that's like, I'm being like very liberal too. I think that's sleeping with 100 girls for 10 years.

That's why I think your formula is off. I feel like, But doesn't 10 seem like not that much for a year? I mean, it obviously there's a lot like I, I, I for one do not sleep with 10 people a year, but 10 people a year doesn't seem like that aggressive. You're thinking of people being like sexually active and single from 18 to 20. Yeah. That's where you get tripped up.

Because if you're in a relationship, that takes years off. I was out of the game for like, for years at a time. I mean, I was still getting laid. Yeah. I was still in the game. Not at the same rate. I was, I had to slow down. Yeah.

You were playing a different game. You're slowed down in a relationship rate still much higher than the average year. Did you care if you were, if you were with a girl, would you say how many people have you slept with? I wouldn't ask, but if she said a number higher than 10 a year, 10, I get, should we say five a year? I don't know. I mean, I don't think I wouldn't, I won't get on board with this at all.

I don't think it matters. I've been asked my number. Yeah. But you've never asked somebody else's. Yeah. Even when I, I wouldn't even ask it back. I, like, I think it's just a bad idea to start talking about sexual, previous sexual partners. It doesn't even matter.

Her number is high or low. It's just like, I don't want to think about people that she's slept with. Well, what's scarier to you, zero or a hundred? I guess I'd much rather sleep with a slut than a virgin. Interesting. I think I'd be the opposite. You would want to take a girl's virginity right now? Right now?

Yeah. Oh, you mean after the podcast? Or why? Holy shit. I brought, I brought in this chick. I'm already in sense. I'm already dicked and nipped out. I mean, then it like means something.

It's like you took someone's virginity. You owe them. Yeah. Zero is very, I guess my, my, my point is that I'd rather be with someone who hasn't been with many, many, many, many, many, many other people. I'd rather be with some less is more for me. But it sounds like her, if she's this concerned, her number is not going to be impossibly high. Yeah.

I know. And I think the number or the subject line to this email is seven. So I don't even know. Is that true? Yeah. I don't know if that's her number. Let me see. Subject.

Wow. Subject seven. Yeah. I think, I think if it's in the single digits, you don't have to worry about it ever. And then in your lifetime, use my formula. I do remember being like in, when I was like in high school, when not a lot of people were even having sex yet, like a number like. Well, that's what it is.

If you're 18, then your number should be zero. Yeah. I had a friend whose girlfriend had slept with 12 people and we were still in high school. Damn. That's a lot. At that time, it was a lot. But like, and it mattered to him. He's like, do you know, like, I would have to fucking think about it?

Like I have to think about her fucking 12 dudes. Yeah. Not at once, but like still at least six of them were probably at once because we've only, you know, been alive for 16 years. But so yeah, like it matters more when you're younger. And in my late twenties, it's just like, I don't even think about it at all. I just, anybody I meet, there's no chance of me being like, Hey, are you like virgin or anything?

No, I just assume they've had many sexual partners. Right. And it doesn't matter. So that's my answer. It doesn't matter. And my answer is X minus 18 times 10. It really is. This would also happen on a math test where Amir says X minus 18 times 10.

And I say, who gives a fuck? And I would pass that and you would fail. And it would also happen on a date where you would say who gives a fuck and you'd go home with a girl and I would be left with by myself doing calculations on the back of an napkin. So what we're trying to say is I did better at school, but you did better at life. What we're trying to say is yo, do you. Yeah. But don't do it too often.

I mean, you really want to see them. You know what I'm saying? Oh, my God, you're short circuiting. Sorry. Yeah, that was a good answer. Yeah. Or a good X minus 18 times 7. That's the name of this episode.

Nobody listens to it. We should have called it dicks and nips. We'll call it. We can still call it whatever we want. Yeah. Yeah. We'll call it dicks and nips. All right.

All right. All right. Next question. Next. This one comes from, we'll call him Ted. Ted. Hey, dudes. I recently downloaded Tinder and I know you've answered a few questions about Tinder and have

touched on the subject a fair bit. Someone wrote in and asked what he should say to a girl once he gets a match and my question is similar. You gave him the advice just a simple high than the girl's name. No cheesy pickup lines are required, which makes sense because it's already obvious she's into you or at the very least finds you physically attractive. My problem is I received no reply after I messaged two girls that I matched with. First one, I just said hi in the girl's name.

The second one, I decided to say hi girl's name and then add me on Facebook if you want to chat and I gave her my full name. No reply from either of them. It's been weeks since the first one and a few days since the second. Should I be saying something different? Also, my profile is just pictures, no about me part. Would it be wise to add to my profile to say a little bit more about myself? I just don't understand why girls would match and then not want to chat.

Any advice on updating my Tinder game would be hashtag dope. My man, my man, delete your Tinder buddy, my man, you out the game son, that's it, you blew it dog, everyone on Tinder's talking about you. With that creepy ass Facebook shit, you're the Facebook guy. Everyone knows you, you don't need it about me, you're the Facebook guy. Hey girl's name, just being normal, here's my full name. Add me on Facebook and we will chat. That's what the Tinder chat is, it's a chat.

Why do you want to chat on Facebook? That's what the something's for. Oh that's mad man. You never say thank you, that's what the money's for. So that's what the Tinder chat is for. Now you're a good man, you're an honest man, you have no shame clearly because not only did you say to this girl, add me on Facebook and we'll chat. You wrote into the podcast and told us that you did that like it wasn't weird.

Well that's why people are emailing us because they're in a sticky situation, a difficult place and they don't know what's weird. I do remember when I first downloaded Tinder, when I first downloaded Tinder guys, I know it seems like. Imagine 2012, was it even 2012, no no, imagine January of 2013. I have, Obama was the president. It has not been that long and I've already fucked double this girl's number, just on Tinder alone, okay, a double Robin's number, alright sorry no, anyway, anyway, that's not

true, it's probably more. I just don't know math. What I'm trying to say here, I mean we'll figure it out, is that Tinder was like, a lot of people are just still figuring out because it's a new app and it's also, online dating is like a new frontier for many people. When I first matched with someone, I really did not know what to say and there was a, the girl in the picture was wearing a San Francisco baseball hat and I messaged her and I wrote, oh she was like, she was wearing like a 49ers hat and I wrote, go Niners.

And then she wrote, are you from San Francisco? And then I just wrote, no. Will you hook up with me? I'm a Dodger fan. I did bend her over in the levee's bathroom but, I'm kidding, that didn't happen. She didn't want it. She had begged her. So what I'm saying is that like, you're learning, there's a learning curve, don't ask them

to add you on Facebook, just write hey and their name, they're not all going to respond. So why, okay, so here's a question, as somebody who's not used Tinder or somebody who's new to Tinder, why match and not chat? Which one is it? Why match and not chat? No, are you new to Tinder or are you not used to me personally? Yeah. I tried it in Seattle.

Oh, God, I love hearing that. But I swiped, so many girls know that I ended up not matching with anyone. You swiped all of Seattle to the left. It was definitely a learning curve. You saw the city of Seattle and you just went left. I aired on the side of caution unlike this guy who took it a little bit too aggressively. Oh, man. What now?

You match with someone and they don't chat? I think some people just see your main picture and they're like, oh, that's kind of, yeah, this guy, and they yes you and then if you match, they look at your other pictures and maybe it turns out you're not their type. Or they just don't feel, maybe they don't check their Tinder very often or maybe there's a million reasons. I think that's why it's such a cool app is because it's so playful and the stakes are so low, you can just match someone and never talk to them.

So how many of your matches would you say you never speak to? 70% of them. Wow. That's high. A lot. So you're like, I find this person attractive. They find me attractive seven times out of 10. I'm not even going to fucking start a conversation.

Five times out of 10. I don't even start a conversation. Other times, like then two times I'll message someone and they don't respond to me. If you guys can believe it out there. Can you imagine looking at a photo of me, hearing high girl's name, please add me on Facebook and then being so creeped out. My profile picture is Amir's dick and nipples, the robe tied open. And then the other three times we start a conversation and then honestly, I feel like

maybe one out of every 10 I actually hang out with. So I guess still. But I'm 100% on getting laid when I hang out. I didn't. When I meet up? Yeah, happens. Don't worry about that, boss. Don't worry about that conversion rate.

All right. That's the big one. That's the one that counts. That's the one that matters. Yeah. Anybody can match. Not anyone can snatch. I'm boss.

How do you like that? This is you talking to its internet. Anyway, add me on Facebook. After we've slept together, she's just really, really regretting your decision, gathering your stuff and leaving my apartment. Where are you going? So basic advice here is that less is more. Don't take it off Tinder right away.

And if you do, don't take it off Tinder onto Facebook. I think the goal is to eventually take it off Tinder onto text messages, right? Yeah. I would never take it onto Facebook. You move to text. And also, you're overthinking it, I think. He's like, would it be wise to make it about me? It just doesn't really matter.

As long as your pictures are pretty good and you're funny when you start messaging. And about me is basically going to... Is it tiebreaker, right? Yeah. So the picture is like, ah, but the about me can push you to the left or right. Definitely don't have a genuine... I would agree with that. I would definitely not have a genuine like, hey, my name's...

What's this dude's name? Ted? Ted. Hey, my name is Ted. I am six foot tall and I like soccer. Though that does make you sound hot. Maybe that's it. That's it.

Fuck it. Actually, hold on. I wanted six feet and love soccer. Jesus Christ. I'm going to make my about me. Hey, my name's Ted. I'm six foot tall and I love soccer. And then underneath it says your name.

My name's Ted. You can call me Jake and I love soccer. Yeah. My advice is to chill, be cool. Don't take it to Facebook. You got this. You my dude. And relax.

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Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you. Squarespace. I think I should go back to Seattle. Maybe some girls have added themselves. Yeah. Since I've been gone. I would love.

I think you should download Tinder here in New York. I'm kind of afraid to. Why? I don't know. I don't know what it is. I think I'm afraid that I'll see someone I know or something. I see people I know all the time. I know you too.

And you see they know you see them. So you're like, it's like a. First of all, there's nothing shameful about it. Okay. Right. But for some reason in my brain, it's like, I don't like I would be embarrassed if someone screen capped my Tinder profile picture and put it on our subreddit. And that fear is not worth meeting my potential.

My potential soulmate. I guess. Wow. Would you be embarrassed if that happened? No. I mean, I talk about Tinder so openly. There's like nothing at this point, Tinder wise that could embarrass me. Yeah.

I don't know. Actually, there was one time where like I was at a bar and somebody I like lost a bet and the bet with the stakes were like, we had to trade phones and he could send a message from Tinder. Yeah. As as me. And he did. He sent it to this.

Oh my God. This is the most embarrassing thing in the world. So he sent a message, which was like totally not even that funny. He just wrote like want to bang question mark to a Tinder match. And then she responded, does a mirror have Tinder too? And then I then like, I wrote back something really lame. And then I wrote back again to her later. I was like, Hey, I'm sorry.

And I explained what had happened and she never responded to that. So that the whole message got screen capped. I'd feel pretty that I would feel embarrassed about, but most of the time my Tinder matches are whatever. Yeah. But would you be if you're on a date, like would you like, would you keep Tinder as a main icon on your home screen? Or do you hide it in the back pages?

It's on the second screen. I don't want it on the front. See why there's a little, there's that that's the feeling I feel times a hundred. I don't know, but we're, it's like a sense of camaraderie. I was, I was on a plane once and I saw like we landed and everyone's turning on their phones. Like the girl two rows of front of me like saw and like turned on her phone and went right onto Tinder.

I was like, all right, somebody that I can relate to this person. I feel like the girl that I would like is a girl who is using Tinder reluctantly. There are plenty of girls on there that are using. Is there a reluctant Tinder app? I should say that I'm not in a relationship anymore. A lot of people probably think I'm a huge creep right now. Holy shit. Jake is evil.

Yeah. Wow. Jake really rubbed off on a mirror. He went to Seattle and tried to cheat on his girlfriend. No, it's fine. She doesn't listen to this podcast. Hey, if you're listening, don't tell her swipe. Right.

The thing is a mere swipe to write everyone in Seattle and he just didn't get a match. So now he's protected himself saying he swiped. No, near a single match. No, yeah. Single a mirror on Tinder. That's your goal. I mean, that's my dream is to get you to download Tinder tonight after we stop the podcast. For some reason, when we were on a road trip, I was like, oh, it'd be fun to try it in a new city.

But I don't know about doing it in a place where I currently live. Yeah, there is something about being in a city that's like, it's not about dating. It's about having an adventure, meeting a local who can show you around and have a party for the night. And New York, since we live here, it's like, I'm lonely. Yeah. I want to meet someone. Do you want to go on a pizza date with me? I think even more shameful than saying I'm lonely is saying I'm horny, which is what Tinder actually is.

When you say I'm lonely on Tinder, that's what it means. There's no emotional loneliness. It's you making a Facebook status update that says I'm horny tonight. That's exactly why I don't want to do it. Right. It's letting everyone know that you're horny. It's an emotion you don't want people to know you have. Is anyone else also horny?

This girl's horny, but not attractive to me. This girl's also horny. Ooh, this girl's attractive and horny. Oh, she doesn't think I'm attractive or horny. All right, let's keep playing. Ooh, we got a match. We both think we're hot and horny. I'm not going to message her.

Five times out of ten, the hot and horny match doesn't matter. Oh, horny is the saddest word in the world. I really am horny. In Seattle, I'm feeling horny. Not for you, not for you, not for you, not for you. Uh-oh, no one in Seattle is feeling horny for me either. That's the about me. Is anyone in Seattle horny tonight?

My name is Amir. I'm 30. I'm feeling pretty horny. I'm in Seattle for a good 12 hours. And yeah, let me know if you're horny too. I am DTF and I don't want to become a cuckold on this app right here. LMK, if you are 22 to 29 and horny as I am. I am down to be horny with you.

Is anyone horny in a 50 mile radius? A fucking hundred mile radius. That's how horny I am. Holy shit, I imagine someone from Portland. She's a porny horny for this biorny gorney. I don't even know what I'm saying. I'm so embarrassed. Oh, God, you're spitting water.

I should not have sipped water while you were saying it. You're a horny biorny. Hey, the name's biorny. I am pretty horny and let me know if you are too. This was corny. Let me know if you're down to be horny with me. Does that count as the break? Tender.

No, it doesn't actually because I had... Are we... Is it break time? Yeah, it's like past break time. Man, then I would really like to talk about our experience in New Haven this weekend at Yale. Yeah, after Comic-Con, we went to Yale and did a show there. We did a show at Yale Hillel House. That was my wheel Hillel house.

Very nice. We were in our element. Just a room full of Jews. I never felt more... I'm like the opposite of Hitler. I just only feel comfortable in a room full of Jews. We see Yamakas, we know. Those are my people.

And New Haven, Yale is the New Haven, my hometown. My city, my city. I actually lived like two minutes from Yale. So it was really nice to be back there and we wanted to kind of go out and rage, I'd say. Yeah. And would you say that you accomplished that goal? I was definitely along for the ride. I guess I got wasted.

But the funniest story happened to you. Which was? When we got... I think we were walking down Elm Street. And we got... It really was a nightmare. It was a nightmare of the street. We got tapped on the shoulder and somebody was like,

Yo, I know Micah! Yeah, a brother. Yeah, we met somebody that went to school with my brother and he invited us up into his dorm. Yeah. To smoke weed. Right. So I lived vicariously through the experiences that I never had in college, which was smoking marijuana with college kids.

Which I didn't do. Yeah, which I never did when I was in a dorm. I mean, I smoked weed with you three times, I think, in my whole life. Right. Four times maybe. Yeah, my weed number is very low too. Yeah. It's definitely lower than 30 minus 18 times 10.

So these Yale dorms are like Harry Potter-esque. Yeah, they're like gothic mansions. Right. And we were up there, you're lying on a lofted dorm bed with a pumpkin beer maybe and a joint in your hand. Oh, God. And then there's just like a room full of kids who are like taking pictures of you. I thought joining Tinder would be embarrassing, but this story is so much more shameful.

I like it. It was so funny that you were like, you guys have to understand this is like cool for you. This is exciting. This is like the highlight of college so far. For me, this is rock bottom. I'm sitting in a dorm room on a bed with a beer. This is the lowest I've ever felt. Oh, man.

And there's some girls. Everybody else is laughing at some girls like, God, that was dark. Pitch black, baby. Welcome to my brain. Tell you what. Hop onto this single twin bed with me with the twin long sheets. No, you're holding up to be my fucking dad. Yeah.

Go to hell. I felt I did feel it was fun to just do that for a night, but I did feel very out of place. I remember they invited us to a party and I went to the bathroom with you and I was like, should we go? I don't know. I feel weird. I feel older. You were trying to hype me up and then you're like the saddest part about going to the parties,

the fact that I have to hype you up in their bathroom to hang out with them. I was, I regressed back to my freshman year itself. I'm like, should I go to this party? I don't know. I feel weird and uncomfortable, but for a completely different reason. Oh, man. I barely even remember that. I think I do now.

We went into the bathroom. I was like, this is, I think I said that then. This is going to be like the best night of their lives. Yeah. Oh, man. It really was the best night of my life. And one of the weirdest nights of mine. I think, yeah, by the end I got kicked out of the, kicked out of the frat we were partying.

This is fucking cool for you guys, right? College humor, chicken and beer. Like, yo man, it's five AM. We got fucking finals this week. Finals, fuck finals. This is the best night of your life, right? This is like, yeah, we work here. All right.

Hey, I'd be down to crash for the weekend if you guys want to like, dude, you're like 45 years old. Nah, nah, 28. You're creeping us out. If I paid for the pizza for a week, would you let me stay? Would you let me be your pizza bitch for a week? Well, let me ask the guys, man. Before I go downstairs. Dude, thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. I'm going to pass out under this couch. Man, they're cool with, they're cool with it. They want like $500 a week for pizza. Shit, is it really that much? I'll have to ask my daddy. I mean, you should go.

All right, Yale Qs, here's what you got to know. My dad pays for everything, you know what I'm saying? So, so that's food. That's food. That's gas. That's rent. Telephone. My dad pays for that shit.

So I'm going to hit him up. He's doing me. He's doing me. I love my dad. Your daddy pays for everything. My daddy pays for me. I don't have a good job and I don't make enough money. So my daddy pays for my rent.

Yay. Thanks dad. Sad guy who lives off his father but really appreciates it. Totally open. I go on dates with girls and I have to use his credit card. My daddy gave me a credit card and I use it to pay for dinner and drink through my friends. And my friends hang out with me because I pay for everything. And I pay for everything because of my dad.

Thanks dad. Oh man. Mercy. Mercy. Man alive. Mercy. It's so weird being on the other side of these stories. I don't know how you do it man.

I'm ashamed. I feel naked of myself. It's so funny. I really had to come set out of you. I felt like you just didn't even want to say it at certain points. No, I didn't want to talk about that. There's no need. But we're going to bring that out of you.

New single amir. As if I just broke up three minutes ago or something. Yeah. This apartment is just in disarray. Shambles. I came over. Half your shit's gone. All the podcast stuff is set up and I'm like, is everything all right?

Yeah, let's just record. Christ. Oh Christ. Did you drink all those bottles of wine? A lot of them were already empty when I bought them. But yeah, the rosé I went through last night. The rosé, the prosecco and the riesling. All this afternoon.

The sweet ones. Yeah. I had a sweet tooth, I think, tonight. There's motorcycle tread marks on the carpet. Don't ask about that. Christ. Christ. Christ, I'm horny.

Do you know how to download Tinder? Because my iPhone's been acting a real fool. My daddy got me the new 5S. Thanks, Dad. I love my new phone. My daddy got me the first generation, the second generation, the third, the fourth, and now the fifth. Thanks, Dad.

God, here's an interesting part of this podcast. Well, one, the fact that we're talking about me way too much. Way too much for my liking. And if you guys also think so, please let us know. If I were you, show at gmail.com. Oh, we forgot to mention the email. Is that what it is? Email your own sticky, difficult, conundrummical situations.

And we'll do our best to, you know, advise you to get the hell out of there. Yeah. We'll definitely come up with some kind of mathematical formula there. Save your goddamn life, we know it. And we usually get there more questions than this. Yeah, we're only at two. We've only done two. And we, I think, we're basically out of time.

So, yeah. Really? We've only done two and that's it? No, we have time for one more. All right. Well, if anything goes wrong, my dad will fix it. Yeah. My dad fixes everything for me.

Oh, yeah, I know. But I don't know if he can get through four questions. I mean, like, we just, we don't want to get... One time I was on Spring Bake in Mexico and I accidentally killed someone. I was in a Mexican prison and my dad came down and bailed me out. He bribed the officials. Yeah. He gave him my mom for an hour.

I think she braked him brownies or something because they were very happy and relaxed afterwards. Thanks, dad. Gosh, gosh, gosh. What's the... I'm trying to think. I'm looking. I'm scanning for the best last third question that we can answer. All right.

Let's go for another girl. All right. And now let me just look at the name of a character from... What's that show that we're referencing? I don't know. Robin and Ted? From... How I Met Your Mother?

Oh. All right. Lily writes... Robin. No? Lily. Lily. Shit.

That's too bad. He sent your friend a... He sent your friend a winky face, huh? Yeah. He's probably in love with her. I guess that's all she wrote on that. Yeah. I mean, two years of a relationship is kind of fun and flirty, but a winky.

It's hard to come back. An emoji or the emoji, you know? Which is... You know, it doesn't specify, but I want to say... A worst-case scenario, it's the emoji. I really think it might be the emoji. And... Hey, RIP, Your Relationship.

Friendship or romantic. It's just out the window with that one. It's over, baby. So how can a girl tell if a guy likes her or if he's just been flirting with her for the past two years? Yeah, I guess one... I've read a Cosmo recently. Oh.

And it's like a couple ways to know when the guy's into you. Yeah. Way number one, ma'am. Way number one is if he flirts with you for two years. Okay? There's no way number two. And there's no way number two. Did he flirt...

He flirted with you for two years. It's so nice that they'll just like... Well, she didn't say flirt. She just said that they have the same sense of human music taste and everyone says they're the same person. He's a nice guy, but he's nice to everyone. So it wasn't necessarily flirting. It was just a two-year friendship.

Fine. Why don't you send him a winky face? Oh. Flip the script. This is so like... I'm not giving real advice at all. Because... I'm reverting to my child, like...

Because this is so childish. I'm just like giving advice like I would be giving in eighth grade. But this is what you do, too. Yeah, I guess. If you are... How do I tell if a girl likes me? Yeah. How do you tell if a girl likes you?

Man, if she... I just assume that everyone does. Do you just have a... Do you have like a... Wait, do you want to retract that at sarcasm or is that real? When I said I assumed that everyone does sarcasm. I hope. It's...

I think in our age or late 20s slash early 30s, you just have this sixth sense about it. You're like, oh, I can't really put my finger on it, but it seems like this person likes me. Yeah, it's weird. You just can tell. Yeah, but early on in life, you don't know what's going on. I guess that's true. Although, it's also tougher when you've been friends with someone. Because there's often...

Like, I feel like I am in the same circles with a lot of people. And I'm not talking to somebody. And then all of a sudden, I'll get a text or a Facebook message from someone who's like, you know, in my periphery, but normally wouldn't open up a dialogue. Yeah. And I'm like, oh, I think that means something. Right. But it'd be weird to take it from like, if I'm friends with someone, to send some kind of signal of like, I like you.

And that is the kind of thing that you get caught up in in high school because... Do you think there's any truth to the idea that guys are only friends with girls that they would hook up with? I guess I would have sex with literally everyone I'm friends with. There's no girl that you're friends with that you wouldn't sleep with. No, there's no exception. No exception. No. And I'm talking about my friends, loved ones, spouses, girlfriends.

No exception. Can I say what you told me at that diner once? What did I say? That. No, no, no, no, no, you can't. Well, it was close to that. It was basically like, there's no girl that if she said they had a crush on you that you wouldn't at least be flirtatiously intrigued. See, but now you have to because like, this is...

I was joking just now and now it seems like I really did say that. What I... You'll try to say it like I said at the diner without like outing the specific people I was talking about. You said there's no girl that you know of, regardless of how they're attached to you or how you know them, that if they dragged you into a closet when you were drunk and said, have sex with me that you would say no to. Right. There's no girl in the world that could do that.

I really, you know what? I want to just take all this back. This never happened. We never, I never went to a diner with you, sir. This is hearsay. Order, order. I just think that like, I also know that I would never put myself in that situation to be pulled into a closet drunk by somebody. You like that.

I say, okay. I think it is like, I have a willpower problem. Yeah. Now I do, so. I mean, I'm on the opposite spectrum of that. I'm very cautious. I do have friends that I consider like relatives. But at, even at me, the extreme, let's say this guy was the extreme version, which is me.

If a lady friend of mine said that she had a crush on me, I would at the very least entertain the idea, the notion of possibly doing something romantic with them. Even if they were with somebody that you loved? Oh, no, no, no. I'm talking about a single friend. Oh, wow. Yeah. So you're like, your craziest notion is like, if a friend of yours said I like you,

you would be like, I wonder what it would be like. I would have like already. Yeah. Exactly. The thing is that we didn't even realize it when we started this podcast. We are two polar opposite, like we are, how do I say this without sounding like a math nerd, but there's the norm and then there's standard deviations from the norm. And 95% of the population exists within two standard deviations.

And I'm extremely to one side even past that and you're extreme to the other side. So I guess it makes for a good podcast. Yeah, we really did not know that until we started this. Right, but we're both sociopaths in completely different ways. Interesting. You're acidic and on basic. Love it. Thank you.

I really do appreciate you saying that. I really do. The standard deviation shit, that really was nice. I really don't even know. I appreciate it. Frankly, if you put your dick and nipples away, I really would. It is more than about that time. So our advice to you is go for it.

Yeah, I mean, just start flirting with them. Send them some winky faces. Yeah, it's always fun to have someone in your life who's like name excites you when you get an email or a text message. Like when your phone vibrates, you're like, ooh, I really hope it's that name. And then seeing that name, that name is very exciting. Now you know. Now you know the joy of it, right?

Well, I always knew the joy of it. But now you're back. So I live text to text. I really do. Right. Did you ever get that flip phone? You know what? It's, um, I think I'm going to do it.

Yeah. I just, I'm just not ever going to do it. No, I want to wait till we go to LA. Yeah, push it. Push it. Push it. Here's the thing. Here's a good compromise.

I'll download and use Tinder when you get a flip phone. Absolutely not. It is more than unfair. It's highway robbery. You can't make things fair and equal. I get my way. You're giving me pennies on the dollar. My dad taught me that I get my way.

My daddy's going to get me the new iPhone. He'll probably make one that flips. I'll get two iPhones. So Lily, turn this guy into a name that excites you. Turn him into a person who you can't wait to see how he reacts to your flirtatious email. And it's always fun to fire that first bullet. Like, whoa, I just, there's like that status quo of flirtatiousness. And then there's like different levels.

And like when you kick it up a notch and you put your phone away. I call it swinging the bat. Yeah. Every text is a pitch. Yeah. And it's just like, do I want, and like, oh man, I'll draft a text. It's like, oh man, that's pretty, that's pretty ballsy thing to say. That's pretty forward.

But it's like, you know what, I'm just going to swing at the pitch. What's the worst that can happen? Oh man. So please swing away. Fire away, fire away. I'm bulletproof, nothing to lose. I agree that this one was bad. Sure, but that does not take away a lot of the ones.

The other ones were gold. More than gold. Okay. Now we are definitely. I was feeling like gold. Slick Rick Gilt. It's really, really late. This is way past my bedtime.

Let's go eat dinner and watch football. That sounds good. Let's download Tinder for you too. Not New York. Not New York. I wanted to say once again, thanks to Max and Evan for the opening theme song. One of my favorites. And the closing one comes from a guy named Sam.

You can send your own theme song submissions to, if I were you, show at gmail.com. That's the email for anything. If you have a guest idea, if you have constructive criticism that says that we're annoying when we sing or ideas or tips about the show, please email us in. Email us in. Email us in. You dick. And thanks to the last five people who gave us good reviews on iTunes or just any review

on iTunes. It doesn't have to be good. It has to be good. Okay. It has to be good. Grendel Ward. Grendel Ward. What?

Soren Kleimack. Zeeshan Casey. John O'Neill. Matthew W. Valach. Wow. I didn't realize how difficult those were to pronounce, but thanks guys. I thought you made them up.

I thought you were having a stroke. Matthew Valach. Matthew Valach. All right. So if you guys do want to give us nice positive or any reviews on iTunes, we'd appreciate it. We'll give you guys shout outs as often as we do these episodes. Anything else we wanted to add?

Show at Littlefield. Oh yeah. We got a live show at Littlefield live podcast. The first live podcast was so fun. We're excited to do another one. We also have a live tour coming up. Correct. We're going to go to collegehumor.com slash tour.

Can't you? I don't know if it's that. I think jacadamere.com is a good place to see because we posted about it there. All right. We're going to like, you're going all over the East Coast, Boston, Vermont, DC, and Philadelphia, and we're going to the Midwest, Minnesota, and Milwaukee. We're going to Ann Arbor, Chicago, Madison, and Minneapolis. So it'd be cool to see you guys there.

Yeah, that's it. Thanks so much for listening. Everyone enjoy the rest. What am I saying? Enjoy the show. Enjoy the show. Listen to it again. It's better the second time.

I assure you. Hey, if I were you, I would tell you that I would do that you today, and it's all right.