If I Were You - 29: The Rankers

Episode Date: May 20, 2024

In this episode Amir tries to pick out a fake poem, a fake J&A quote, and then rank a whole lotta things.Advertise on Segments via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HITGUM original. there now here's one more effort for only positive motivations they swear second another podcast second each app different from the last second it's the swiss army knife of shows now let me teach you two emphatic hoes second Now let's meet you two emphatic hoes Sadness Yeah buddy!

Yes dude! How are you feeling? A little stressed because we had a lot of issues with recording The zoom was making a buzzing noise and I tried every single variable to solve it and I literally couldn't. And then I left the room and it was fine.

So the final variable, the room itself was the issue. Were you in the the wifi corridor? The one room in New York City where it's a hub of every different signal. All of the signals come, yeah. Ghostbusters style. Right, yeah, exactly. When you go in there, it's actually like,

it's Chernobyl, you're actually aging. I was melting. I can't tell why. Now it makes sense. Oh. So yeah, I've kind of left, you know like when you're trying to figure something out and everything falls by the wayside.

So I was so singularly focused on this Zoom that there's like open battery packs, different XLR cables, two microphones, two Zooms, SD cards. A trial and error of sorts. So now I'm in the studio with my phone on a bucket on a C-stand, sitting down, and it's somewhere along the way I've lost my coffee, which is definitely top of mind.

It was actually the coffee that was creating the buzz. That's why you're not hearing it. Yeah, it could have been. Well, it wasn't consumed. So I wish you weren't hearing it because I drank the coffee, but it's only because, yeah, I left it in a different room. This is actually the perfect energy for not only segments,

our advice podcast, which is not an advice podcast anymore, but also our favorite segment of segments, poetry or noetry. Yes, that's right. I actually, I need to calm down and center myself. Yes, and the only thing that can do that for me is the written word They are poems themselves folks I've found two Wonderful poems. Yep, and I wrote a third

shit poem it actually sucks ass unless you like it, then it's a great poem and I tried really hard and if you didn't like it, then I farted it out in no time. And the goal of the game is for me to not know which poem is real and which one is yours. Yes, these are two poems by poets and one poem by this jackass. And is this your fourth attempt or third attempt?

I believe this is number four because on the third attempt, I did get you with a poem titled February, I believe. Yeah, that sounds familiar. February stumped you. And I got you twice and you fooled me on the third attempt with your poems. So it's actually-

Enzwell yet. Which is a great poem. Haun walked so that Enzwell yet could, what's it called? Trot. Hopscotch across chock-topped shops. Towers. Yeah.

Yes, that's right. Haun has grown on me, I'll say. Okay, so I am going to read you these three poems. What order do you want me to go in? Do you want me to give you my poem first? Let's do your poem middle. Okay, all right, perfect. And remember, you guys could totally play along at home.

Yes, and you should. The first poem is called This Room. Yours, next. Really? Because I've been so room focused. Okay, This Room. This Room. The room I entered was a dream of this room.

Surely all those feet on the sofa were mine. The oval portrait of a dog was me at an early age. Something shimmers, something is hushed up. We had macaroni for lunch every day. You love macaroni. Except Sunday. You love macaroni. We had macaroni for lunch every day,

except Sunday when a small quail was induced to be served to us. Why do I tell you these things? You are not even here. I really think that one's yours, but I want to hear the other two. Okay, that poem was called This Room. This poem is called Poem to Be Read at 3 a.m. Yeah.

Accepting the diner on the outskirts, the town of La Dora at 3 a.m. was dark, but for my headlights. And up in one second story room, a single light where someone was sick or perhaps reading as I drove past at 70, not thinking. This poem is for whoever had the light on. Also could be yours.

That's the joy of the game. You love fucking America pastoral. I see a gas station in the distance. I'm in a car. Diner road trip. Yes, gas station at Gloaming. That is my shit. Okay. Poem number three, what he saw.

Zeng He saw the world. Zeng He, this is a ha-un parody. Zeng He saw the world. Zeng He saw the world. How dare you, how dare you use this against me. Zeng He. Yes. Zeng He played four square on the recess blacktop.

Handball, clip clap, bing, bang, bong, boom. Right. What he saw. Zeng He saw the world, turned the ashes to crown jewels. He brought back ivory, sandalwood, and half his men. 600 years later, beside the same ocean, clouds gathering like 300 ships at full sail coming home. The gem of your eye catches mine.

That piratical gleam, a double-edged smile. Like Zheng He, you believe this world is yours, and so am I. Zeng He, you believe this world is yours and so am I. K. Ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Ah. I wish one popped out at me more.

They're all pretty equally poems. You don't wanna say good? You're okay. You're just gonna say they're poems. They're all poems. But like when I read some, you're like, that one moved me. None of these like moved me. They're all poems. But like when I read some, you're like, that one moved me. None of these like moved me.

They all seem like kind of like house on mango street style, if you remember that. I was just like, this is a story about a guy or girl doing a thing or two. I think they're all incredibly moving, but yes. I'm at least glad that you're confused because you're not stirred to emotion by any of them. But honestly, the first one,

and this is what got me last time. I'm like, this one's yours, this one's yours. And at the last second, I changed my fucking mind and it was the one that I thought was yours the whole time. Which that, which speaks to me like that is the first one that you read called The Room. This room actually. This room, okay.

Read that one again and I'll tell you why that one's yours. The room I entered was a dream of this room. Surely all those feet on the sofa were mine. The oval portrait of a dog was me at an early age. Something shimmers, something is hushed up. We had macaroni for lunch every day, except Sunday when a small quail, when a small quail was induced to be served to us.

Why do I tell you these- Induced to be served? That's not a fucking sentence. A small quail was induced to be served. Let me finish the poem. Okay. Why do I tell you these things? You are not even here.

Okay. So the only thing that's making me not think it's that one is that one is so you that like you found it and you're like, Ooh, Amir will think it's that one. Cause I talk about macaroni and I talked about a room and I talk about fucking an oval picture of a dog that reminds me of me. Yes. Which is similarly to the Zhang He one, which is kind of a fucking wink and a nod. I guess you found an Asian Americans

name and you thought this would be funny to sort of muddy the water or it's a reverse reversal in which you actually did write a haun poem just to fool me because if I didn't guess it and it is it then I've been fooled by my own haun then I've been tricked by my own game. So are you trying to are you going to rule out poem to be read at 3 a.m.? Which is the second one, which is another one that reminded me of yours, because it's like the diner and the light and the fucking this

and that and the other. Okay, read that second one. Let's see if I can eliminate it. Poem to be read at 3 a.m. Accepting the diner on the outskirts, the town of Ladora at 3 a.m. was dark but for my headlights. And up in one second story room, a single light where someone was sick or perhaps reading

as I drove past at 70, not thinking. This poem is for whoever had the light on. Hmm, yeah. There's two ways to eliminate it. It's like poems that have a line or a word where like, oh, you would never use that word. And then there's one that's like, oh, that was definitely you because you did use that word.

So none of these have things from like, that's not a word you would know. The induce the quail thing. He's coming back to me. We have macaroni every day except for Sundays where we induced a quail or a quail was induced- When a small quail was induced to be served to us. Yeah.

Okay. Let me eliminate one. Okay. If I may be so bold, I will say Zheng He is a real poem. It's a real poem. True or false? It's a real poem, okay.

What he saw. Was a real poem. Is written by, it's a real poem written by me. Yeah. You wrote Zheng He? Yes I did, yes I did. And just so you know, it wasn't a ha-oon ripoff. It absolutely was.

It was an Asian name. An Asian, he's a Chinese explorer from 1400. Zhang He? Yes, cause I'll tell you the whole entire story of Zhang He. I've been ha-ooned. You've been ha-ooned. Well, you didn't get ha-oon. I've been ha-ooned. You've been ha-ooned. Well, you didn't get ha-ooned because I got ha-ooned and you didn't get Zhang He.

I thought you were trying to do a double reverse where it's like, I'm gonna give him a real poem named Zhang He. That was an added- Yeah. That was an added benefit to my real poem. I was like, he's gonna get tripped up by the Asian name of it all.

But the impetus was that the line came to me, and I believe the line in my head at first was Magellan saw the world, because I wanted to write something about like, you know, the world as an explorer saw it. So then I just searched explorers, and sure enough. Ha-Mun is one of them. Ha-Mun is one of them.

Ha-Mun is one of them. Ha-Mun is one of them. Jing he saw the world. All right, so now let's hear it. 15 famous explorers who changed the world. There are Marco Polo, Zeng He, Henry the Navigator, Christopher Columbus, Vasco de Gama. These are all people you learned about in school. Exactly, Jing.

And doesn't that say it all? It really does. So he is a Chinese explorer. Unbelievable, I thought I'd be able to eliminate one and we could flip a coin. I was leaning towards the first one anyway. You were. That's a poem by John Ashbery.

Fine, I'll read it to you, but I wanna go through it line by line because I actually, I'll say that I'm massively proud of Zhang He. Like I tried really hard with this poem. Way harder than I have with any other poems before. Well, it shows. Cause I was so certain that that was a real one.

Yeah. What he saw. Zeng He saw the world, turned the ashes to crown jewels. He brought back ivory, sandalwood, and half his men. Six hundred years later, beside the same ocean, clouds gathering like three hundred ships at full sail coming home. The gem of your eye catches mine, that piratical gleam, a double-edged smile. Like Zeng He, you believe this world is yours, and so am I. It's beautiful. What is it about Zheng He that's just the perfect poem?

First, tell me what you loved about it, because you thought, like what made you think, that's it, that's the real poem, that's a real poem from a real poet, and I have to know more about it. Honestly, all I remember is hearing Zheng He, and I'm like, I'm out on that one. That's not the case.

Now that I hear it again, I guess I get that crown jewels and then the gem, AKA gemma of your eyes. So I'm like, okay, that should have been a dead giveaway. Almost changed that to Pearl. But then I was like, why don't I leave it in? Cause he might hear Zheng and think that I wouldn't use such a clue to tip him off. Exactly, which is what I've thought about Zheng He,

AKA Haun, AKA Crown Jewel. I'd love to go over some of the earlier iterations. And you also have nautical themes. You love boats and shit. That's right. And like, let's talk about what he saw. It sounds like I'm talking about what a man saw. He saw!

He saw! What he saw, but it's actually Zheng He or Zheng He. What Zheng He saw. What Zheng He, he saw the world. And then also I say he brought back Ivory Sandalwood, like he brought it back, but also he, you know? Very interesting. Yeah, I didn't think about that one at all.

It is kind of interesting. And then the clouds, excuse me, clouds gathering like 300 ships at full sail coming home. You really picture that coming in. You love fucking the Navy theme. I also did a little, excuse me, I did a little research on Zheng He. An ivory and sandalwood and shit like that.

So I searched what did he bring back? I actually did look up what he brought back. And then I also searched how many ships he brought. So 300 ships at full sail coming home, the clouds gathering as you're standing there, but like you're watching, he's Armada coming home. I mean, that's just gorgeous. And then the gleam in someone's eye, a piratical smile,

double-edged smile like a double-edged sword while he is a pirate or at least that type of explorer. I mean, there's just something so, so lovely, excuse me, about the way these I just looked it up. John Ashbury wrote all three of these. He wrote Zhang He in college one night. Honestly, Ashbury fucking wishes. Ashbery wishes he could write what he saw. I mean, this poem, it merges two worlds, the grand historical past that's just got

this incredible scope that we couldn't even understand with the same type of, like the depth of a love that you might have for somebody. I think that's some, I just think that's so fucking moving. Don't you? Oh God. I'm just trying to analyze, I'm just analyzing this poem in like the most non-biased way.

I know that I wrote it, so it's typical for me to think it's so good. You do know that you wrote it. And did you, how did you find the other two? And did you find two that you thought sounded like something you would have written? Poem to be read at 3 a.m. is in Garrison Keillor's book of good poems and it's always been a poem that I really liked and I actually didn't even consider it

because the way I had it in my memory, it was much, much shorter. But then I pulled it up this morning, I was like, because I was looking for a third poem and I saw that it was a similar length to Zhang He. So I was like, you know what, I'm gonna use this. And I knew that you might think it was me because it has all this,

like it almost feels like other poems I've written really pull from this. Yeah, absolutely. You've been inspired by this one. And this room, yeah, I just found that this morning I was like, I think I searched like some of the best short form contemporary poems. And a quail was induced for it or?

This one just had it all. I really liked it, but I was also like, okay, we've got a dog portrait, we have macaroni, we have a small quail being induced. And like also- Some labor. The last line is, it's so, I feel like this is my style where I'm trying to do something

like with a turn on the last line. Yeah, but the footsteps were always there. Yeah, so I thought you might think it was me. But I really, I felt pretty confident just in that I worked so hard on what he saw. Like I tweaked that all week. Did you read it to Jill? Yes, I did. And she actually helped me with it.

Cause originally it was- That's cheating. He brought back ivory, ivory silk in half his men, but I think Sandalwood really fits better. I also had, oh, 600 years later, I think I originally had 600 years later, we stand beside the same ocean, or we stand in front of the same ocean.

And I was like, we gotta lose, we stand. So now it's much cleaner. 600 years later, beside the same ocean. You almost aren't like, it's not as jarring, excuse me. I haven't said anything in five minutes. That's jarring. Lose the we stand just beside. It was also originally the jewel of your eye catches mine.

But I had already, but I had already, yeah, put crown jewel, which, which that line, I was surprised it made it all the way through cause it meant nothing. Like it turned the ashes to crown jewels. I don't know what that is. It just kind of rolled off my tongue when I said, Zhang he saw the world.

And then I, I felt compelled to keep it. But yeah, no, I agree. I think it's a really, it's a great poem. I had a good to keep it. But yeah, no, I agree. I think it's a really, it's a great poem. I had a good time writing it. And like you said, I think it's one of the better ones, or if not the best you've mentioned that we have done on the program. Imagine Zheng He and Ha-un in class together.

I think you're being racist. And Zheng He goes by Zack Mao. They're different. Zhang He and Ha-un and class together. I think you're being racist. And Zhang He goes by Zack Mao. They're different. They're really different poems. They're very different poems. Ha-un and Zhang He. They're incredibly different poems.

There's a similarity. It's a really glaring similarity. Actually, let me write a poem for next week. I have an idea. I'm gonna find three poems that start with three Asian names. I think I won by coming up with just a fucking badass, awesome poem and you're pissed at me.

Yeah, I at least wanted to eliminate the real one and then get it down to a fun coin toss. The fact that I eliminated yours right off the bat. Yeah. It neutered me. Which I think I eliminated yours right off the bat. Yeah. It neutered me. Which I think I might have done with all ends well yet, right? I think you thought, or you did the reverse.

You guessed mine first and then you got it down to two and then you guessed again incorrectly. Yeah. Wow. Interesting. Interesting. All right, good game. Do you want to hear one of the other poems that I almost read?

That you wrote? No, that I almost, have you ever heard, have you ever heard the Ada Lamone poem? No, of course not. I've heard of four poems. Okay, well, this one I almost read. It's just a really great poem. Ada Lamone's a great poet.

It's called How to Triumph Like a Girl. I like the lady horse's best, how they make it all look easy. Like running 40 miles per hour is as fun as taking a nap or grass. I like their lady horse swagger after winning. Ears up girls, ears up. But mainly, let's be honest, I like that they're ladies. As if this big dangerous animal is also a part of me.

That somewhere inside the delicate skin of my body, there pumps an eight pound female horse heart, giant with power, heavy with blood. Don't you believe it? Don't you want to lift my shirt and see the huge beating genius machine that thinks, no, it knows it's going to come in first. God, that would have been a great one

for me to guess is yours. Yeah, I thought you'd write because you're like, you wouldn't write something like this and present it. But I just love that poem. Such a pro-female poem that you cranked out. Yeah, you would have to guess it was me. That was what I was banking on. That would have been good.

And there's just one last poetry related thing because I wanted to read Ada Lamone's The Raincoat, but I cry so hard every time I read it that I was like, I was like, and then this morning I was like, I'll test it, I'll see if I'm like still crying. And I read it and I like, not only like cry, I like, I would like choked back tears, not eyes welling up.

I was like, oh my God, oh. What's it about? I can't even. I'll say it. You can't even say the subject. Well, I could say what it's about, but I feel like it would ruin, everyone just has to read it.

It's about motherhood, I guess, or parents. Man, it's so damn good. Okay, all right, we'll leave people with homework. Yeah, go read that poem and cry your eyes out. Thank you to BetterHelp for sponsoring this episode of our program. Hell yeah, thanks BetterHelp. Jake, I don't know if you know this,

but we sort of all carry around different stressors, big and small. Yeah, no, I've heard of that. Yeah. I've heard that. I've heard some people do Yeah. I've heard that. I've heard some people do that. And if you're anything like me, you just sort of keep it bottled up inside

and never complain or talk about it to anyone ever. Buried deep, deep, deep down. Yes, you put on a facade as they call it. Mm-hmm, yes, and a masquerade. Mm-hmm, but when we do that, it starts to affect us negatively. It's not healthy. It's not good.

That's why I use therapy, which is a safe space to get things off your chest. And there's no better way to use therapy than with better help. Oh, very nice. So if you've been hearing a lot about therapy and you've been wanting to give it a try, but you don't want to, you know, go through the hassle of finding a therapist, driving their awkward waiting rooms, give BetterHelp a try because it's entirely online. It's designed to be convenient, flexible, and suitable to your schedule.

Perfect. You just fill out a brief questionnaire, you get matched with a licensed therapist, and you can switch therapists at any time for no additional charge. Ooh, love it. It helps to get things off your chest. It helps to talk about it.

So get those things off your chest with BetterHelp. That's betterhelp.com slash segments. You go there and you get 10% off your first month. All right. Segments folks. Yes. Better help. H E L P dot com slash segments. To get matched with your therapist as soon as possible. And if you use that coupon code by going to betterhelp.com slash segments, you'll get 10% off your first month. Nice. Give it a try, it'll help.

Yeah. With BetterHelp. This podcast is brought to you by Squarespace. Oh yeah, baby. It's an all-in-one website platform. For entrepreneurs to stand out and succeed online, you know what Squarespace is. We've been talking about them for years now.

That's true, it's true. With good reason, they're legit. It's true with good reason. They're legit. It's the best way to build a professional looking, I don't know, portfolio for yourself or a loved one. Maybe an online store you're looking to hawk some wares. Yeah, you can earn using Squarespace folks. Yes, they even have a new Squarespace AI tool

which updates written content on any website. You can even purchase a domain name through Squarespace. Like what's available right now, Jake? Snapplefacts.com, Snapplefacts. Really? You have to spell fax, F-A-X. Got it. But it's still relevant, it's still good.

It's sealed. I believe they're still making fax under Snapple. Yeah, I haven't gotten to Snapple in a while. Do they even still sell Snapple? Snapple might be out of business. No, they have. They're still Snapple. I've seen them around.

Yeah, and I bet they still have facts. And like if you're drinking Snapple and using a fax machine, then goddamn, what an awesome era that you're stuck in. Yeah, so enjoy that. CryingBrian.com. Crying Brian? Not crying Brian, that's taken.

Crying Brian.com. Brian with a Y or an I. Either or, neither nor. They're both not available. What do you want? They're both emotionally unavailable, but for sale for sure, for the right price for the best home.

Amazing. And you can do it all with Squarespace. Damn right. What can you do to get the best deal possible? Well, if you head to squarespace.com slash segments, segments, you can save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain using that coupon code segments.

Oh yeah. Ready to give it a shot? You can get a free trial at squarespace.com slash segments. And then when you're ready to launch your show, your website, I should say, you can save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain using that code segments. Gorgeous. So support them, support us, support yourself. Thank you, Squarespace.

Thanks. All right, we're back. What was it about Zhang He? Yeah. The devil is a lie. You misinformed me, you misled me. You led me astray, you lied to me. I just wrote a great poem.

I just wrote an all-timer. Wow. But we really should move on, you're right. I didn't say that. You're right. Let's just leave perfect as it lay. As all ends well yet. Okay, this is a game you invented.

Yeah, maybe. I think I pulled it from something that, oh, it's like a board game called Priorities, I think. But we kind of simplified it. We basically made a list of random things. This is a game called Rank'em. Rank'em. Rank'em.

So these are just random nouns, people, places, things, ideas. And I made a list of five. I'm going to give them to Amir and you are going to rank them in order of the things you prefer the most to the things you prefer the least. These things are Guy, Paris, These things are Guy, Paris, Untoasted Pop Tarts, Going to the Dentist, and Ted Lasso. Okay, these are a few of my favorite Guy. When the Guy, Paris, Untoasted Pop Tarts. Was that inspired by the new Pop Tart movie

that's coming out or? I know, I did not know by the new Pop Tart movie that's coming out or it's unrelated to that? I did not know there was a Pop Tart movie coming out. Yeah, Jerry Seinfeld wrote and directed a movie about the guy who invented Pop Tarts. Oh, all right, that sounds a lot. I thought it was like a Pac-Man type movie where it's just like, oh, every single brand gets a movie now.

Yeah, it sort of is, yeah. It's not like a movie starring Pop Tarts. It's more like the Blackberry style, air style. It's like a movie about the creation of something in our lifetimes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Air, closer to air than Barbie. Yes, exactly.

Okay, so again, it's Guy, which is some sort of butter situation. I'm not really sure. It's like clarified butter, whatever that is. Yeah, Paris, which is an awesome city. There's Pop Tarts, untoasted, not great. I used to eat Pop Tarts growing up, but I used to toaster oven them.

Right, you have to. Going to the dentist. They're still pretty good. Yeah, going to the dentist, which is bad, but ultimately good because it's like, you know, you suffer through it, but then you feel good after. That's right. And Ted Lasso, which I actually,

people love, but I don't really like it. Yeah. Okay. So you're tipping your hand a little bit there. A little bit, but you've already ranked, you've already ranked which order you think I'm going to put them in. Oh no, I just, I'm just assigning you the things. Okay. So you're not, have you guessed the order?

No, not yet. Or you're not doing that? Not until you lock it in, then I'll tell you what my guess, my guess are. So write, write your answers separately so I don't see them. And I'm going to guess the order. I'll put it in the Zoom chat.

But don't send it until you read, or until I guess. Are any of these specifically calling out to you as great or awful? I mean, I know what, I know what I would rank them. Yeah, this is kind of difficult because there's so many permutations. Right, and you have a different relationship to all of these.

Like for me, I don't care about ghee, but Jill cooks all of Gemma's food with ghee. So like, is it a little more important? I mean, I appreciate it. Do you know what it means, like the clarified butter? Not really. Yeah. Is it less processed? Yeah. Is it clear? Is it liquid? Is it like, it's like white. It's almost like a white cream.

Yeah, I don't know. I just know that Jemma's not allowed to have butter and it's all done with ghee. So, oh, so maybe ghee is is not butter but a butter substitute. Or maybe it's like something, yeah, maybe. Who fucking knows? Or it's like butter without the bad stuff. Right. Marjorie. Great name though. Ghee. Ghee.

Okay, I have locked in my order of best to worst between Paris, Pop Tarts, Dentist, Lasso and Guy. Let's see if you got it. I feel like practically you're just gonna say Paris is number one because it's an awesome city. There's no downside to Paris. Yeah, and it's just the idea of a whole entire city not being as good as Pop Tarts, it doesn't feel right.

It doesn't feel true. I think personally, I'd probably go Pop Tarts over Paris, just because I got food poisoning last time I went to Paris. And it's got like, it doesn't, it doesn't, there's not quite that like, it doesn't, it doesn't, there's not quite that like, it doesn't spark joy. Nostalgic Paris in me. Cause I, every time I think about it now, I'm like,

oh yeah, I puked so much when I was there, but that's me. You don't have that experience. And I think if I didn't have that experience, Paris would be above PopChart. So I'm going to go Paris. I also know that you like going to the dentist. I do?

Yeah, I think you enjoy it because like you're, you- You get off to that shit. I remember you like you being proud of like how deep your pockets were when they do the test. Oh yeah, my gums. Yeah, so I know that you enjoy going to the dentist, but I don't necessarily know that you enjoy it more than Pop Tarts.

I think Ted Lasso is gonna be last, even though you don't even know what Guy is, even though you are the one that added Guy to the random things list that we used. So I'm gonna go Paris Pop Tarts dentist Guy Lasso. Wow. You're really close. Really?

Do you wanna know what? In a wordle, you're green, some yellows, and then greens again. Oh, interesting. So, I guess going to the dentist is number two. Paris dentist, Pop Tarts, Guy Lasso. That's correct. Paris number one, great city dentist too,

because you feel healthy when you leave. Afterwards, yeah. Pop Tarts are fine, but that's where it is, right in the middle. It's not bad, it's not good, it's just a nice tart. Guy is fourth, because I'm not really sure what it is, and Lasso Lasto, because I don't love Lasso. Yeah, because you know what it is and dislike it.

Yeah, which puts it above or below gee for sure, which I'm only vaguely familiar with. Right, okay, cool. Do you want to give me five? Okay, that was pretty close. Okay, I'm gonna choose five from this list, right? Yeah, yep. And these are words that both of us have come up with.

Right, random ass things. A random ass thing generator. I feel like we tried to use AI at first, and then we said, you know what, ours will be better. Right. The AI doesn't know to have it be slightly funny. Yeah. This is a real friend. Nothing's funnier than Paris.

Paris and Guy is hilarious. Okay, are you ready for your five? Yeah. Plain wifi. Beer. The ace of spades. Ace of spades. Eating ass. And lastly, coffins.

Ooh. Okay. I'll put it in the chat so you can see it. Thank you. All right. These all have sort of pros and cons to them for sure. Playing Wi-Fi is awesome, but at the same time, it's kind of unreliable and slow.

It's frustrating. And it's like, I almost wish it wasn't there because I spent half the flight fucking connecting, disconnecting, reconnecting, and trying to get on. But then when it works, it's beautiful because you're just sort of, you can check out the score of a game while you're flying. Otherwise it's like, I have 15 hours and I wonder what happened. I'll find out when I land. Like that's, that used to be the reality as early as like 10

years ago. Yeah. And well, I don't want to tip anything, so I'll just, I'm not going to respond, but what do you think is the, is the pro of coffins. It makes it easier to bury the dead. Otherwise, it's just loose bodies in the ground, which probably is fine, but ultimately not great for you. Coffins is respectable. Otherwise, it's just like, let's have a funeral. There's my great uncle's body just fucking loose,

loose body. Man. Ace of Spades is fun to see. Okay. But at the end of the day, it's just a card. Like who cares? It's just a card. Why does anybody give a shit?

Yeah. Beer is nice for some people. I don't like beer, obviously. I would have beer last. Eating ass? Eating ass is fun. It's fun to say. Not for me, but I understand much like beer, like you might like it more than I do.

Right, it's for some. Yes, and I wouldn't want to live in a world without it. My choices are locked. My choices are absolutely locked. Okay. So you do like beer, I think. So I almost want to put beer first. It's either beer or eating ass.

Fuck it, I'll put eating ass first, beer second. Playing Wi-Fi is good enough to be third. Ace of Spades fourth, because it's like a fun card. And coffins, you're probably like a fun card, and Coffins probably will ask, it's like, you're like, what's the joy of this? And it kind of reminds me of mortality, which I don't know. Dead last, right?

Yeah, dead, literally dead. Okay, so Ass, Beer, Wi-Fi, Card, Ace of Spades, and then Coffins last. Green, green, yellow, yellow, yellow. Interesting, so I nailed eating hats first and beer second. That's correct. And those ones I didn't even struggle with.

That was the correct order. I don't really love beer these days, but I like still drinking a non-alcoholic IPA. You appreciate it. And I appreciate the moment, cracking a beer with somebody, bringing people together. I love that. Yeah I appreciate the moment, cracking a beer or somebody, bringing people together. I love that. Yeah.

Yeah, so the last three. So the last three, so you might be a plain WiFi hater. You might be one of those guys like, no, I wanna disconnect, I wanna read, I wanna watch a fucking movie, like playing WiFi is so annoying, why is it so slow? Like that's you.

Yeah, I'd rather just sit on the plane and eat ass. Yeah, why can't I have a beer and an ass? Am I allowed to have two servings of nuts? On my face. Let's go Ace of Spades third, Coffins fourth, and plain wifi. Even though it's a great invention, it doesn't work that great,

but ultimately you hate it the most, I guess. Green, green, green, brother. I do hate plain wifi. I knew it. So that's the order. You have eating ass first, beer second. Number two. Ace of spades, I don't really.

Yeah, it's fine. There's nothing to it. It's the key of cards. It's the pop-sarts of having things. It's better than coffins, really. It's fun. Yeah, but plain Wi-Fi I think is, yeah. What don't you like about plain Wi-Fi?

Just the fact that it's unreliable? Yeah, I don't like that it really, it start, the plane used to be, I really am a boomer, but the plane used to be a time where you would like go and you like disconnect. And it's not even about like, I would be fine to not disconnect on the plane if the plane Wi-Fi were just like, you're on,

you're still connected, everything is the same, it's like driving. But like, you're on, you're still connected, everything is the same, it's like driving. But like, it becomes, flying becomes so dominated by, is the Wi-Fi on or off? And it like, you do something in like three hours that should take you 15 to 20 minutes. And it's like, that wasn't the purpose of my time. Do you ever eschew the Wi-Fi?

You say, no thank you, I'm not giving boingo my hotspot cash. Or are you like, I was like, I no, thank you. I'm not giving Boingo my hotspot cash. Or are you like, I'm gonna give in, I might as well buy it for the whole flight. I think I'm a member of the wifi thing because of my Delta status. I get free wifi. The Boingo. Yeah.

Delta doesn't use Boingo anymore. It does its own thing. Proprietary wifi. Yeah. So I think it's still not very good. Yeah. So I think I just. It's still not very good. Right, but I just get it. So like, there's no reason for me to not log on,

but I do hate that I do. So I guess that would be a reason not to. It's more of a self-loathing thing. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And coffins, you know, necessary. Necessary. And the coffins actually were a Nantucket family

that built a lot of houses there. So there's a lot of like, actually were a Nantucket family that built a lot of houses there So there's a lot of like coffin houses on that. Oh a coffee is a person's name. Yeah. Yeah the coffins Wow It's a very cool last name coffin That's right. It's like Kleenex. It's a brand name Technically, it's called the box. Yeah. Yeah. Not all coffins are coffins. That's right. That's right.

They're very litigious. Non-proprietary death boxes. We actually can't say coffin. Yeah. Without getting sued. We'll get a cease and desist on this episode. Okay. I think we did pretty good for ourselves.

Yeah. Not bad. Not bad at all. We know each other well. Thank you. Thank you to Helix for sponsoring this episode of our show. Oh yeah, baby. Your favorite mattress, Jake, you sleep on a Helix. Damn right, that's damn right.

So you know how comfortable it is. I assume Jill also enjoys her sleeping on a Helix. I believe, yeah, her and her new boyfriend also sleep on a Helix. You have a throuple situation or it's two different beds? No, I just, well, she in, not a divorce, the separation, she got the helix, but then I was able to get myself a different helix, so I'm-

Well odds are you have two different helixes because they offer 20 unique mattresses. So whether, does Todd sleep on his side, his stomach, do you know, or do they just sort of spoon? I don't know what kind of sleeper he is. I don't even know how much sleep they're getting or if they're just having a lot of sex or whatever. But my Helix right now,

I got a studio apartment in Hell's Kitchen. Yeah, there's no better way to test out a new mattress. So like if Todd wanted to give it a hundred night trial, Helix not only has that, but they also have a 10 to 15 year warranty, which is kind of cool. He's really smart like that. He does, he often shops for something with a warranty.

He does taekwondo, right? He's a black belt. Yeah, he is a black belt. I don't know where he finds the time because he's also, he's a doctor. I wonder how Todd did on the Helix sleep quiz, which is just a few simple questions. And then they match your body type

with the perfect mattress for you. Yeah, well, no, I mean, he took the MCAT, so I feel like he probably was able to nail that test. And the best part is, Helix is now offering 30% off all mattress orders and two free pillows for our listeners. Does Todd listen to the show? No, he doesn't.

I doubt it. He's like, he doesn't have time for podcasts, right? Yeah, but I- He calls them your little radio shows. How's your little radio shows doing? Yeah, right. Did I tell you I have a roommate in the studio? Yeah, so I have a roommate.

Ryan, right? Yeah, this guy, Ryan. Well, you or Ryan or Todd or anybody listening can go to helixsleep.com slash segments. That's helixsleep.com slash segments. They're offering 30% off. Oh my God, this is their best offer yet and it won't last long.

Finally, some good news in my life. Yeah. And with Helix, your better sleep starts now. So do check them out. Support Jake, he needs it now more than ever. Thank you. That's helixsleep.com slash segments. All right, we're back.

Let's keep the quiz nature of this episode going. That is correct. So for this segment, I've gotten a couple of Jake and Amir quotes, and I've also written a couple that sound like Jake and Amir quotes, but they are not. So it's sort of like the poetry or noetry of Jake and Amir quotes.

Yeah, exactly. So I'm gonna read a quote to you. You'll tell me, you don't have to tell me which video it's from, but you say, that's a Jake and Amir quote, or that is not. Okay. Okay. I think I'll do, I think I'll get these six for six, but let's see. Okay.

None do respect, dude, fuck your childhood dog. Okay, this is more important. That's a real one. None do respect, yeah. And can you finish the quote? I can't, I don't remember. That's a real one. None do respect, yeah. And can you finish the quote? I can't, I don't remember. It was like, you're sort of upset about a child the dog passing away and I don't give a shit.

But I don't remember specifically what episode, no. Actually, this line is from me, I say, to you. None do respect, dude. Fuck your childhood dog, okay? This is more important. You know, Game of Thorns? This is Game of Thongs. Yeah, that's right.

Okay, the next quote. Jury duty, you get jury duty for that. I think that's true as well. That does sound familiar. I'll let you true as well. That does sound familiar. I'll think about it. I feel like I've said lawsuit, that's a lawsuit, but I've never said jury duty specifically. Okay, I'll go no, no, that's not a line.

Good thing you changed it. That is not a line. I just made it up. That's good. Okay. Okay. Two for two. This apple has fallen very far from the seed.

Fake. That's true. Oh, that is fake. That was a real line? No, no, no, sorry, that's fake. Fake is correct. You're correct. I'm the 69%.

I'm the 69%. I'm the 69%. Also does not sound familiar. I think I'll say that's also a false fake line that you just made. That is from Jake and Amir Bus. Oh wow, so that is a real one. I got one wrong. Yes, that's correct.

I say I'm the 69th%. Yeah, so it's from Bus. You say, how's your summer been? And I say, fine. And then you say, fine. I knew you'd give a freaking one word answer and I knew you'd say fine. And to prove it, I wrote it down on a piece of paper

before I left my apartment this morning. Exhibit A, you hand me a piece of paper and I say, this says, urinals are for pee pee, toilets are for doo doo. And then you say, other side then. And I say, it's a bunchinals are for pee pee, toilets are for doo doo. And then you say, other side then. And I say, it's a bunch of drafts of one liners. The last one being, I'm the 69%. That's a really good joke.

I'm glad we thought of it then. Yeah, I'm the 69%. Pretty good. Okay. The next quote, this team is doing fine. You know who could use a head coach? My ex-girlfriend. No, that's not real.

That's not true. That is real. That is from Jake and Amir Sunday football. So I'm telling that Kelly Hudson or something. Yeah, I think, well, the bit is that you, nobody's laughing at your jokes So I'm telling that to Kelly Hudson or something? Yeah, I think, well, the bit is that you, nobody's laughing at your jokes, and you think that it's because you're delivering them,

not me, and then you hand me a piece of paper, and I read it out loud. I'm constantly handing you papers. I think that's why it's throwing me. These are all written jokes that I have in character. Yeah, you didn't speak them. All right, next quote. Congrats, and time.

Congrats, grad, it only took you two and a half weeks to notice my makeover. That also feels fake. I mean, and time is for sure real, but I don't think two and a half weeks to notice my makeover is real. That's correct, that's a fake quote. Thank God, I was falling right there.

Two more. Ah, okay. Nobody thought to land on the moon, and then one night we were just there. That's true. That's correct. That's like business ideas or something like that. Yes, I think it's from, oh, it's from Game Ideas.

Yeah. If you're trying to come up with the next tiny one. Nobody thought to land on the moon. And then we were there, like, what are you talking about? Of course it was thought. All right, last one. You have a boo-boo? Well, I have a boo-bee.

As in boo, now you're afraid of bees. Wow. Fake. Correct, that is fake. I don't like how easy it is for you to come up with them. I guess because you came up with the original. So if anything, this is your time to shine. Right.

The jury duty and anti, it's just like, you can just shut your eyes and think of something dumb that you would say. Right, the real question is will it ring a bell at all? Yeah, yeah, exactly. It was actually, it was hard to find one, because there's so many that are burned into my brain. I was trying to find some that were single liners,

but that I didn't remember offhand. Right, and you don't want it to just be like, everything about the sentence is true except for the last part. Yeah, exactly. I'm the 69% was a great one. Yeah, I did not remember that. Yeah.

All right, well, we'll play again. Yeah, I think I wanna come up with the quotes next. Hell yeah. And for more of us reminiscing about Jake and Amir, check out our Patreon, patreon.com slash J.A. We're watching full episodes. We're doing rewatches. Exactly.

And actually we've done several hundred at this point. So there's a nice big back catalog for you to burn through. Now's the time. And I feel like we have done bus, which is weird because I usually would be able to figure that one out. Yeah, there's, oh my God, there's some really, really problematic jokes in all of these, but definitely the bus,

fortune cookie, there's a great, great line that I wanted to use, but I was like, well, he'll know, because it's so problematic that I wouldn't like just say it. It had to have been something we said 10 years ago. Otherwise, what's the point of saying it now? And we'll of course be back with another one of these segments podcasts next week.

That's right. Thank you for listening and thank you for watching. You can see these on YouTube and we'll be back next week everybody. Peace. Bye for now. That was a head gum original