If I Were You - 291: Porno Game Shows

Episode Date: September 11, 2017

In this episode we discuss creepy dealers, German cheaters, and who should pay on the first date.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. They'll say you're acting outline if I were you. Oh, oh, oh, just two Koi Jews. They'll help you make up your mind if I were you. Emily and Anthony wrote that. Are they a couple? They are a cuckold. Really?

Yeah. Of themselves? Uh-huh. Wow. They said they've been listening since 2014 and they don't have any sound clouds or band camps to promote, but they do have a mental health initiative. What? Yeah.

They are so good. You guys should have a band camp. Called calmcanvas.com. So that's Emily and Anthony's initiative. It's a mental health initiative more than anything else. Did you know what that was a parody of? It was a parody of something? Yeah.

What do you mean? When you want to say yes, but you try to say no. What do you mean? Cool. Yeah. A little Bieber action. Love Biebs. Do you think there's a singer out there that's so good, but he's never sung so he just doesn't

know that he's good? Like if Emily just never sang. Yeah. Or like do you, elementary school does kind of force kids to sing a lot. Yeah. Like you learn songs and stuff. That's true. You learn like graduations.

You learn songs. I mean like for a kindergarten through like sixth grade, music was like part of. Yeah. It was like a requirement. You had music, art and gym. Yeah. Kind of interesting. And then sometimes you figure out who's the athlete?

Who's the artist? Who's the musician? Who's the math lead? Who's the farthest? Well, math, you have to go through all the way through high school. Yeah. Well, I didn't do math. I did music all the way.

So while you were learning like algebra and stuff, I was doing flute. That's awesome. Yeah. Did everyone in your school play recorder in third grade? No. Is that a thing? In my school, third grade, everybody had to play recorder. Really?

Yeah. And then in fourth grade, everybody got to choose an instrument. Yeah. And then you also like you could have tryouts for a chorus. I tried out for chorus. Didn't make it. Of course. Of chorus.

And then in fourth grade, I chose the drums. Yeah. I went to the music class and the music teacher told me that I was a better fit for the sax. They sort of priced me out. They'd be like, you know what you're a better fit for as an instrument that's too expensive and heavy for you. Oh, I don't know if I'll be able to play that. Huh.

Well, well, bye. I can't legally tell you not to play an instrument, so I'll be like, you're better for the stand up bass. You know that $4,300 thing that's eight feet tall? Yeah. They didn't think I had the timing to be a drummer. Which is true, right? You tell me.

One and two and three and four. It's hard to do that. It's even to be offered them like that on purpose is hard. All right. This is if I were you, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us. I'm Amir and I'm Jake and these are... You're leaving me in the dust blooming film. This is an advice show.

People will email us if I were you show at gmail.com. We're doing our best to read all these questions, but they're coming in fast and fierce. Yeah, dude. And we don't have any interns anymore. I know. That means I have to re-teach myself how to read. So I'm like, I'm trying to sound out some of these words. They're so fucking long.

Kind of nuts that you forgot in a summer. You should have been reading other stuff even. What is conundrum? Conundrum. Conundrum. Conundrum. Conundrum. That's insane.

You do have a degenerative. Degenerative. Degenerative. No, I have it too. It's Contagious. Contagious called well Pope. Contagious. Contagious.

All right. Got it. I thought it'd be fun if we answered some lady questions today. All right. This is the lady Hawkins. Yes. All right. Because you know what?

Woman can be confused too. All right. First one's actually from a guy. I see. But he had a sort of lady named Casey. No, this is from a lady. It's from a lady that we'll call Rowena. Why Rowena?

It's just streets that are in Los Angeles that remind me of female names. Cool. There was a lady named Rowena at my dad's office. Oh, really? Yeah. That's nice. Shout out to Rowena. Of course.

Okay. Girls, like when they're like, oh, look at those co-eds. Or is it just college students? I guess, well, co-eds is like guys and girls, but you definitely do only think of girls when you hear co-ed or I do anyway. All right. That's what they use in porn. Co-ed, yeah.

Yeah. But it's just like- Sexy co-eds. Yeah, but it just means educated people. Co-eds. Let's not read too far into it unless it has to do with the question. It doesn't. I just kept thinking about co-eds.

And if it can also be a guy. All right. Anyway, Rowena writes, whenever I go pick up weed from a drug dealer, he's always wanting to hold hands. At first, I thought he was trying to hand me something, so I accepted the hand, but it was empty. We just held hands for like 10 seconds and then he let go. This was after he gave me the weed, so I just thought maybe he was trying to shake my hand,

but I tried that next time and he didn't shake back. He just squeezed my hand. What do you think it means? Should I keep letting him hold my hand? Or should I cover my hands in Vaseline next time so he doesn't want to hold it? Please advise. Love, Rowena. Okay.

A hand holder. That's weird. That's weird as hell, man. That's like not even a normal way to hit on somebody, which would also be unacceptable in this situation. But isn't that a thing like, ooh, if you like hold hands a little bit, you can like- If there's a chemistry or a spark there, you can sort of sense it during the hold hands period.

I think so, but I also think that people are so deep in their own minds that that guy is probably like, oh, I can feel this chemistry. It is electric. And she's like, this is weird as hell. Can I use Vaseline to stop the electricity connections between our two hands? Don't you have another drug dealer? You don't have to use that one. Yeah.

I don't know. I've never bought weed from a drug dealer. I'm always like- It's just there. The times that I've smoked, it was like my friends had weed. It was never like I'm the one who's buying the weed from the dealer. Yeah. The weird of the drugs you buy, the stranger, the action.

The dealer, yeah. Because you got to be strange to deal the weird drugs. Yeah. It's really not fun to be the- I've had to be the guy that gets the drugs a couple of times and I very much prefer when Jeff Rosenberg does it. Specifically, Jeff. Yeah. Have you ever invited a drug dealer into your house?

Yeah. They just come over and you're like, yeah, come on in? Yeah. It's not like my favorite thing, but I have done that. Have they ever tried to touch your hands? No. Thankfully, as a semi-athletic white guy- Nice.

Nobody's ever tried to hit on me or take advantage of me or intimidate or bully me. Yeah. I guess that's- It's all just been fine. Those are female problems and now she has to cover- she's considering covering her hands and Vaseline just so that he doesn't be a creep to her. Is that fair? Yeah.

I mean, I also remember coming from- I was a small-time drug dealer in high school and a little bit in college. And a little bit after. And then I was moving kilos of the shit when I was 30. And now I mostly just do prescription pain meds, which I think is fine. So I'm slinging oxy to high schoolers. But I definitely dealt drugs to girls and I thought that was a way in. Like they would think that I was cool because I was dealing the drugs.

And then I might be able to make out with them. Yeah, but it's so sad that she has to cover her hands and Vaseline so he doesn't want to hold them. Right. I'm just saying that this guy- he's 100- like it's not innocuous. He's 100% trying to hook up with you. He's a creeper, so get drugs elsewhere. Yeah.

And I think that- you know, never been in this situation, but I feel like you don't have to do anything to your hands just so he doesn't want to hold them. You not wanting him to hold them is quite enough. How do you- or have you ever been to a dispensary? You know, in California weed is like borderline legal at this point. They have stores to sell them. I have been to a dispensary. And?

That's- I mean, that's fine. I bet the clerk there won't try to hold your hand. Is it an easy thing? Is it basically just walking into Target but it was just weed products everywhere? It's closer to walking into like a Spencer's gifts. Oh, I see. So it's still a little funky. Yeah.

It still smells a little weird. It's not like a chill store. At least, I bet there's going to eventually be some like, you know, really sleek little artisan- Yeah, hipster weed dispensaries. Like the wheelhouse of weed? Yeah, the weed house. But for right now, it still seemed kind of like psychedelic stoner weirdos.

Right. It's like the weird places that used to sell bongs now also sell weed. Yeah, exactly. Instead of like a coffee shop that also sells weed. I mean, there are some places that it's fully illegal. I think in like Washington state. Fully legal. Yeah.

Yeah. You're just like, no, here it's like you sort of need a weed card but it's kind of also fine, I guess. All right. You can like get one online from a doctor on Skype that you tell- you just say, oh, I feel anxious and then you write to a prescription. All right. So, get weed elsewhere is the advice there.

Or just tell them, no, next time you try to hold your hand. Yeah. Just pull it away. That's fine. All right. Here's another one. We'll call this lady- I was about to say the street you live on. What's a female sounding street?

It's a very masculine sounding street. Yeah. Oh, you know what? I was thinking of a different name. Oh. I was thinking of Ren. Oh, nice. Yeah, you don't live on Ren.

No, I don't. Yeah. All right. Um, Ren writes, my boyfriend is jealous of my gay best friend. Hmm. Now, I've been there. Now, I get that me and my friend are probably closer than normal friends. We've known each other for a long time and have told that we're more soulmates than

friends. But it's gotten to the point where my boyfriend told me he doesn't want to hear me mentioning my best friend's name or ever name ever again when we're hanging out. I mean, I understand his frustrations, but still doesn't change the fact that my best friend is hella gay and we're just friends. So what should I do guys? Me and my friends, me and my friend have goals to create something great together. I know you guys are great and work together too.

Have you ever been in a situation like this? Should I respect my boyfriend's wishes or drop him? Because as my idols, the Spice Girls once said, if you want to be my lover, you got to get with my friends. That's true. Anything is helpful. Love what y'all do. Love.

Ren. This is so weird. I think you got to nip this in the butt right now. Yeah. Don't see your gay ass friend anymore. Your boyfriend sort of doesn't allow it and I'm sort of on his team. If you really wanted to hang out with your gay best friend, then you can do it without being in a fucking relationship.

Because I think she's hooking up with the guy. I really think they're hooking up. You are the boyfriend. I figured you would help me. Ren, you're cheating on me. They're homosexual. Yeah, at the very least emotionally, hanging out with this guy. It's funny because the guy doesn't realize, if he is the jealous type, he doesn't realize

how good he has it, that this girl's best friend is gay and not interested in her. Yeah, could be a straight guy. We definitely get questions where it's like, I'm just friends with this guy, but you could think that that guy has a crush on her, so even if she's not interested in him, he's got ulterior motives and they're like, this is purely a friendship. You have nothing to worry about and if he's still jealous, you should be like, fuck this dude because that's just like a little peek into his psyche and he's ... Yeah, imagine if you hang out with a straight guy.

God forbid. Yeah, this dude's too jealous to be in a relationship. Do you think he would be this way if the best friend was a lesbian woman? Oh, interesting. Because at that point, she could have a crush on her, but ... Well, he's more jealous about the penis. Yeah, the fact that it's a dude just triggers him to the point where he's like, I have to put my foot down.

I don't even want to hear you talk about him. That's so weird. Don't say his name. Right. That's also tied to the fact that you're doing something creative that you feel passionate about with this person, so by extension, your boyfriend is now like, I don't want to hear about your creative endeavors with Tucker. Guys.

It makes my blood boil. It's definitely Tucker. To hear you being creatively fulfilled with Tucker. Why can't you be creatively fulfilled with me? Shit, I play the recorder, let's write a fucking song. And I have an idea for a comic. It's where this girlfriend is super frigging faithful to her boy toy, and she never has any other friends.

Look, she's living in this cell here, and she's happy. It's a modern day Rapunzel where she never gets rescued. She cuts her hair off because she doesn't fucking need to escape because she has it all. That's how much she wants her master. She has a master. That's all she needs. And I think we color it in with watercolors, and I play a little tune to accompany it. Tucker's calling me.

Don't get it. If you like the comic, you won't answer the phone. So you have to play the recorder, the first song you can learn on the recorder while you're reading the comic strip. It comes with a soundtrack that you have to play. Obviously he's not very creative. Hot cross buns, hot cross buns. Hot cross buns without singing the words.

Recorder is the worst named instrument, right? It sounds like what? Something already exists called the recorder. Yeah, they didn't have to also name the instrument a recorder. Yeah, they really nailed it with piccolo and flute. Those are all fine. Those are unique, and they sound nice. Recorder just sounds like a piece of technology.

So I bet the recorder came after the instrument recorder. Anyway, get rid of this jealous loser. At the very least, I feel like you have all of the ground to stand on to issue an ultimatum. Just be like, I'm going to do everything I've ever wanted to hang out with my gay best friend. You can either be cool with it or you're gone. Yeah, that is the ultimate made them. Yeah. All right, this is another question from another lady.

And that lady has a very cool name. Michael Torrena. Ooh, very nice. Michelle Torrena writes, Long time listener, first time caller, my BF and I began a long distance relationship. As a substitute for real sex, we've been exchanging some saucy texts, which often include kinky things that we reveal we'd like to try together. The problem is when we get to see each other for a few days every couple months,

and we usually have to spend the first couple sessions just getting back into the groove with basic vanilla sex. So my question is, how do we go about making progress on the sex bucket list of sorts? Thanks for the advice and great meeting you in Portland. Hell. Love Michelle Torrena. I don't think you have to have vanilla sex to get back into the groove. I think you could have kinky sex to get back into the groove. Yeah.

Why do you have to have like several vanilla sessions? I don't know. I guess because my thoughts is because the guy, when having sex for the first time in a few months, just like explodes instantly. He can't even make it past regular sex. So that like, it's almost like an on ramp into the kinky things. That's, I guess that's fair. But then like, I think you can make his, if you really love him,

you can try to make his premature ejaculation sexy, or at least just make it okay. You know, like do this, do the very, very kinky thing. And if he comes too early, just, you know. Switch it up. Don't make him feel too bad. It is funny to have saucy texts, kinky new things. And then they get back together and just have basic vanilla sex as a warm up. I want to chain you up.

And I want you to slap me across the face and choke me. And then just like, okay, well, let's do girl on top for a bit. Missionary sounds all right for now. And then, oh, then I'm going to have you every which way. Oh, no. Oh, and by the way, I like vanilla. So don't fucking call it vanilla sex because that's the best sex. You do love vanilla.

And if it's French vanilla, well, I'd like to French that vanilla. And if it's vanilla bean. And I'd like to flick that bean. I'm so sorry for saying that. Yeah, of course. I didn't mean it to come out as crass as that did. Yes, you had to have. And I would never do that with a vanilla bean.

I wouldn't treat it like that. Oh, but what about a clitoris? Oh, I would go to town on a vanilla clit. Actually, vanilla clit is this new frozen yogurt place that I've been going to. Sucks as a name. So I guess you can call restaurants anything, but people just don't because it's, you know, pornographic and bad for business. Yeah. But the guy that started vanilla, vanilla clit on, it's on 6th and San Mateo over here.

The 6th and 7th. What an amazing location. Yeah. So vanilla clit, it's like a, it's a 16 handles type. So you like do it yourself with the, they got the left lever, the right lever, and then you could do a swirl. Okay. So why is it called vanilla clit? If there's, if you've already said there's two, at least two flavors.

Yeah. The flavors are normal. Like chocolate, strawberry cookies and cream and stuff like that. So why clit? I don't know. I guess it's like, we're talking about it, aren't we? I don't want to. All right.

I want to stop. Sure. It's like, do you know the place Egg Slut? That makes good egg sandwiches. Oh yeah. That's a real one. Yeah. Cool.

Anyway, they open vanilla clit. How do we go about making progress on the sex bucket list? I don't know. Do you have sex more than twice when you get together? Yeah. I think, I swear to God, you guys don't, I don't know what the, what the kinky stuff that you're planning on trying is. I guess like if it's, you know, if it's really rough or something, I understand that you

don't want to like go right into choking. But if it's, I mean, just get right into it. Just, just, or have one really long tantric sex session with a lot of foreplay. So then you're in the groove before you actually fuck. Oh. So how long would that last? The entire weekend? 48 hours.

That makes sense. It's hard to be in the long distance. You have to like cram in all the sex in, in such a short window. It's not fun. And yet it is fun. Of course. Because. Because you're sort of racing against the clock.

That's nice. It's actually reminds me of my pornographic game show that I'm pitching. What's that? It's called Racing Against the Cock. Nice. So it's a YouTube red original. Sorry, it's a U-Porn red original. So they're starting to get into original content over there.

That's awesome. And it's this game show that I'm pitching where couples have to basically have sex as many times as possible in 24 hours. And they're racing against the cock, the clock, and they're trying to like set a new record. Right. Winner gets, let's say, $500 gift certificate to Vanilla Clit or like anywhere else they could think of.

Like whatever, whatever sponsor we can get. Vanilla Clit or Egg Slut. Yeah. That's awesome. Yeah. I'm trying to pitch something to SpankBang Originals. Oh, they're getting into original content. Yeah, they're getting into original content, too.

Yeah. What are they launching? Well, it's sort of like, it's similar, it's a little bit of a game show, but like it's called Sploosh Tube. What's that? Sploosh Tube. So what is that? It's sort of where like me as the host and any challenger tries to fill a pint glass

with Sploosh, also in a 24 hour period. It's kind of like family double dare meets what would you do meets like, yeah. Because the loser does get slimed with it. With the winner's cup. Got it. And then you have to chug your own. Chugging your cup does run it though for her. Run it though for her.

Yes. I as a host have never lost. Okay. Or will never lose. So what you do is come into a glass so many times that it overflows and then you pour that come on. The milky, viscous contents. On the challenger.

On the challenger. And then this, what's the website that's going to air it? SpankBang. And that, they bought this idea in the room. In the room. Really? So you brought in a pregnant mother of four and pitched it to them. To the womb.

And they bought it in the womb. They bought it in the womb. That's so cool. Yeah. Congrats. Series order. It's kind of crazy. Straight to series.

Two episodes. There was a bidding war between Red Tube, UGIS, and SpankBang. All wanted this. So how'd you end up at SpankBang? They gave me, they all had the same sort of like if come deal and like the... Unintentive. Yeah. But SpankBang just, they made a promise to make it a flagship show if there's to get

all the necessary... A tent pole. Yeah. A tent pole. A marquee show. That's cool. And I couldn't get the same promise from Red Tube. I thought they could bury it in an underused tab.

Yeah. Like or Pornhub community section or something. Yeah. Isn't Pornhub getting it to SVOD, like subscription video on domain content? Oh, are they? Yeah. They're starting to charge like $6.99 a month and then you have like sort of fart-blanch access to their entire library.

No shit. I'm actually a co-EP on a couple of programs over there. Like what? Yeah. Great question. The price is pussy, right? Yeah. Drew Carey is hosting it.

Wait. So like you have sex products? No. It's like a bunch of prostitutes, male and female, and then people bid on how much they cost and the first one to get it without going over wins a night of passion with that. That's so fucked up. So yeah. It's called the price.

Because that should be illegal. No, but it's not. The price is pussy. Yeah. Not the pussy's right. Okay. All right. Let's countdown.

I gave you the pitch for notes weeks ago. You said you had done. So let's not. Because the logo is already... Right. It's already done. But that's on Pornhub's SVOD? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. That's really neat. Late. Late next year. Late night. Yeah. And I'm thirsty.

And I am thirsty. All right. It's time for a break. Let's take a break. Let's come back with more questions and answers from ladies after this. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation talking to a professional

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So give therapy a try. It can give you the tools to find a more balanced life. I've tried therapy. It's been very helpful. So you can find that balance better with BetterHelp. All you got to do is go to betterhelp.com. If I were you, you do that today, you can get 10% off your first month. So the prices are already affordable because you're not paying rent for a building somewhere

that you have to drive to and wait in a waiting room. This is done entirely online, but you're still getting professional licensed help and it's extra affordable. That's betterhelp.com if I were you. Check them out. Thanks BetterHelp. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Wow.

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first purchase of a website or domain again, Squarespace.com slash if I were you free trial. Everything looks good. Let's launch it. Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you Squarespace and we've returned. We got an email that was just a Jake and Amir fan script instead of question. Appreciate that. I thought it might be fun to read it.

This was written by Trent. Are you going to read these scene descriptions? Okay. I can read the scene descriptions. This is a fan script written six days ago by Trent. It's called Frisbee. Okay. Solid name.

Maybe an homage to one of our first episodes, Kite. I actually watched a couple of Jake and Amir videos last night. Oh, why? My fiance is out of town and I was scared of ghosts in my house. So I thought that I would just watch a couple of Jake and Amir's to relax. There was one funny one that I watched. Instead there was a ghost there and when he saw me watching my old videos, he got so depressed that he left the house.

That as part is when you laugh at that. It was a real tort. I started with YouTube, which I really don't even, even now I watched it last night and I don't like watching the videos on YouTube. No, I watched a Jake and Amir called YouTube. Oh. The way I found that was that I Google searched Jake and Amir YouTube. So it started with YouTube.

Then I moved to Magician, which is a real old one. That's the one with Sarah. Yeah. A kiss from the Magician. Then I watched Bread. Then I watched Poster Ideas. Got it. So this is like an episode you've never seen before for his bee.

Let's see how it fares. Ready? Jake and Amir are sitting at their desks in the college humor office. Maybe it's confusing if I read the scene description because I don't see them. Okay. All right. Ready? So it starts wide shot.

Cut to me. I feel like we never talk anymore. I'm serious, man. You want to know how my weekend went? You know, I really don't. Me and my cousin Leran went out to pick up college chicks. You should have seen me. I was throwing out slick lines like, what's your major?

What makes you think that's a slick line? Are you a minor? Because if you are, then so am I. Disgusting, illegal. So Leran and I were strollin', trolling, and patrolling the campus green at 8 AM on a Tuesday. I thought you said this was the weekend. We're tossing around the Frisbee back and forth because girls love jocks.

And I see this smokestack, this two nickel piece, a solid 11 out of 40, and I get so distracted looking at the dame that I let the Frisbee slip and it clocks that Shirley right in the temple. Yeah. You know what? I'm just going to leave before I get too sad for you. Wait, wait, wait. I haven't even gone to the best part.

So I borderline concussed the clumsy broad and this dorm room diva and I think to myself, hey, why not strike while the iron is twat? Don't say that word in the office or ever. So I run up to this eight rupee piece and put the moves on her and guess what? It works. She's mad at hell at me. So it didn't work. Yeah, I got her blood pumping and fist thumping.

She's straight up committing battery at this point against me. How can you possibly think that this went well for you? The security guard comes across the quad and sees the commotion after 30 seconds of pleading my case. He joins in on the beating of me. So now I'm between a cock in a hard place, scream to Leron to throw me the goddamn Frisbee so I can toss my way to freedom. I see him sprinting away for help, I assume.

Unlikely. The next thing I know, I wake up in a back alley at the top of a mound of ripe compost. My cell phone gone. My wallet gone. My goldfish crackers not gone but crushed. Guess what? I still got the Frisbee. I'm your hold of the Frisbee and hits Jake in the head.

I said catch the dish, you bitch. Who? Love it. You like it? I could see us actually using this. One, a couple notes I have. Well, my main one is that when you hold up the Frisbee at the end, it's not a Frisbee. That's good.

So I'm wrong in that regard. Yeah. And you still throw whatever it is at me and it hits me. But it's like a fish. That's good. A trout. Like the Seattle fish market style. So I got the Frisbee and I'm like, why do you think that's a Frisbee?

I said catch the dish, you fish. There you go. There we have it. All right. That was fun. That was good. Now let's email Call of Humor and ask if we can shoot those. I feel like there's been a lot of stuff happening that would have been, that would have made

for a good Jake and Amir video. We came back out of retirement for the Trump thing. Right. We never made one for Snapchat. That would have been a good one. Snapchat, fidget spinners. Oh yeah. Fidget spinners would have been a big one.

Dabbing. I mean, we'd still be dabbing. I am dabbing. I'm still dabbing. Oh yeah. All right. Anything else to talk about before we go back to questions? What are you doing this weekend?

I don't know yet. I have to find outdoor furniture. Very nice. I waited too long. Now it's September and people aren't selling it anymore. That's not fair to me. Yeah. What are you going to do?

All right. Let's answer this one from, what's another female street name? Lafayette. That's good. Lafayette writes, it all started a few weekends ago at a pool party where I met this awesome guy. We hung out for most of the day flirting and even kissing a little bit. Later the day I was talking to my friend about this guy and she told me he had a girlfriend.

Of course. When I confronted him about it, his response was that it was okay because his girlfriend is in Germany where they're both from. I know that this is an obvious red flag, but seeing as though I was a little drunk and still very into him, I continued to flirt and make up with him for the rest of the party. I think she means make out or make up. Make out. Make out with him for the rest of the party.

Flash forward to this past weekend and I ended up going to Vegas with him and some of our mutual friends. He spent the whole day flirting with me and later that night we even left the club together. Once we got back to his hotel, I informed him that there was no way we could have sex because he still had a girlfriend very unexpectedly after. I told him this very unexpectedly after I told him this. He told me that he had been thinking about breaking up with his girlfriend for quite a while and now he is planning on breaking up with her because he likes me so much and

we get along so well. Is this for real? I really like him and I definitely want to explore this relationship, but his girlfriend that girlfriend and him have been dating for four years and I feel like it's a little crazy that he should leave her for me. We've been sending very flirty text messages back and forth ever since then and he hasn't mentioned anything about breaking up with her yet. Should I ask him?

Should I just let this go and stop pursuing him? Would a guy really leave his girlfriend for four years for someone he just met? Help! You're... She's so confused. You're saying one stuff and being another one and being another way. I think she's just like, I'm making out with him, but it's fine because I'm upset about it.

I get to flirt and make out and leave a club, but I feel bad about his girlfriend. It's so weird to be like, what you're doing is so fucked up and here's some flirty text and I'm helping. You can't be... I don't think you can be horrified by his behavior and complicit in it at the same time. He's more in the wrong than you are, but also you're participating willingly. She's the reason. She's teaming up with him against her.

It's funny to imagine. This girl's in Germany and he's a German guy. He could just leave the room for a minute, come back and be like, yeah, we had a conversation and now we're broken up. I'm sure. Yeah, we did. If you're going to lie, you could just lie all the way. You don't have to lie about saying you want to break up with her.

Yeah, yeah. I can speak, I can speak, I can speak, I can speak, I can speak. It's weird to be so into a guy that has a girlfriend because best case scenario is that you become the girlfriend and then you know he's the kind of guy that would cheat on you. Yeah, or maybe just like he's really, you guys really have something special. Probably not. But one other interesting, I think that if you want to be with him, then you shouldn't be like trying to, it almost sounds like she's convincing him to stay with the girlfriend

now. It's like, I'm not going to hook up with you if you have a girlfriend. And then he's like, okay, I want to break up with her. It's like, really, you're going to throw away a four year relationship for this? Every relationship that's been going on for four years must be perfect. Yeah. Like if he wants to break up with somebody, let him do that and don't worry about his, it's not like he's just doing it for you.

Yeah. Many reasons, maybe you showed him how little he wants to be in a relationship, that he wants to be single, that he wants to flirt with other people, that he doesn't want to be in a long distance relationship and he wants to be able to go to Vegas with people. That sounds like a reasonable reason to break up with somebody. But I also think he's not going to do it if you keep on telling him he should, but then still like hooking up with him and flirting with him. Now that you've shown him like how good it is to be with you, you should completely

stop cold turkey and see if that convinces him. Yeah. It's just such a, like, you all should almost be like, just let me know if you're single or not care at all. You can't be like caught in this half zone where like you're hooking up, you're flirting, you're texting, you're saying, are you together or are you not? Because it's putting a weird feeling on yourself. Like you have to feel guilty and confused and you're single.

You're allowed to, you're the last thing you're supposed to feel is guilty. Don't worry. Yeah, it is, it is interesting that oftentimes the girl, the girl that doesn't know the girlfriend is the one who has to be like, no, this isn't right. And the guy who's cheating is like, oh, it's fine. Don't worry about it. She's in Germany. Yeah.

Da. He doesn't count. Trust me. Schweizer. Get in the house. Stop shooting my chopper. Oh, this guy is Arnold Schwarzenegger. No shit.

Yeah, I should have mentioned that. Wives all the time. Oh, so if you're the girl, my advice is to just either go for it and not give a shit about the girlfriend because you're never going to see her and you have some sort of weird moral compass that allows you to enjoy this moment without thinking about her. I don't like that at all. Or inserting myself, inserting myself real quick, go ahead. Or don't and wait for him to break up with her naturally.

Yeah. And my opinion is you don't have to deal with this shit. Yeah. Unless he's like, what if he's hot? He probably is because he's German, but that's how it goes. That's fine. There's other single Germans out there. And?

Fuck them. All right. One more question. This one's a quickie. All right. So we'll call her 21st Avenue. Why 21st Avenue? Just a sexy name for a sexy girl.

She writes, on a first date, should the girl at least pretend to offer to pay for slash go dutch on things? Or should you just let the guy go for it and not even say anything? Love 21st Ave. I think pretend to pay. To pretend to pay for the whole thing, pretend to pay for splitting. I still believe in chivalry. If I was going on first dates, I would pay, but I definitely believe in at least posturing

like you're going to pay. I would almost register it as annoying if on a dinner date, the person didn't even pretend like they were willing to split the bill. Not even going for a wallet? I think there's, I know you kind of hate this, where you, the unwritten rules of social conduct where the girl's supposed to pretend that you want to pay and then the guy's supposed to be like, no please and then she's supposed to be like, oh thank you. But I guess I still subscribe to those to some extent.

I think I at least want the thank you. I've been on some where it's like, it's kind of like annoyingly expected where it's like to the point where it's like not even a thank you. And that's like, oh, that's a little annoying. Yeah. I've never, I don't think I've ever not received a thank you. I would, I mean, when I've been somebody, when I hold the door for someone and they don't say thank you, I'm like tempted to kick them in the back on their way out.

Oh, I said thank you. Sorry, it was barely audible. I'm so sorry. Oh, fuck, you really hit my tailbone square. I have scoliosis. Is that why I couldn't hear you? Fuck, I'm sorry. Yeah, I like the, I like the at least attempt to pay even though you shouldn't pay.

But if you don't want to pay, should you attempt to pay? If you don't want to pay, then don't go on a date. But the expectation is that we're living in a modern enough era that like the norm is splitting first date. Also, you know, I think, I think that the, the amount of first dates now, given like the new dating culture and the app system and the, and I want it now world that we live in where like people are, have several Tinder dates a week. Instant gratification.

Yeah. I think that people are going on so many first dates that it, it will break, it'll break your bank. So I think that there are definitely people out there that expect to split. I think that everybody should go into a date with the expectation of splitting. And if somebody insists, even once, let me get this, I think that the, the nice thing to do always is to graciously accept. Do you think the guy should insist or that's based on his current economic situation?

Yeah. That's based on his current economic situation and how much he likes somebody. Cause I, I do think their old rules die hard. I, I think that if you really like somebody and she offers to pay and you take her up on it, like you risk the chance that she'll be like, wow, what a cheap, all right. So if you, if you, but if you don't like somebody, if you don't think you're going to go on a second date and they offer to pay, I, I would definitely be tempted. I probably care too much about my reputation writ large.

To do anything. Yeah. Like I wouldn't want it. I wouldn't want it. I wouldn't want it affecting my Lulu score. So in your situation, you offer to pay, you want the girl to offer and you decline and every day to thank you. And I would always pay.

And I would expect that. What's another acceptable outcome? In the future, when I wrong her in some way, she'll remember like, at least he was always paid for stuff. He was not a gentleman in that he didn't return my calls and slept with other people. Of course. But cash wise. It was fine.

He was the man. Overall three stars. What's another acceptable situation? Do you think I, as a man offered to pay, girl offers to pay and I accept, is that fine? Yeah. I think, I think that the social rule, for me anyway, is anybody insisting twice? Like you don't, it's not good or normal for you to be like, let me pay. And they're like, no, let me, like, no, I insist.

Like, no, I'm going to pay. And then you're like, no, you're not. You ever grab a check. I could pay for my, like, you don't want to get into an actual argument over this. Yeah. Yeah. Like if there's like flirty ways to do it, where like you put your card down and she puts her card down and you like hand it to the bartender and she's like, I want it.

You know, that's, but you got to read the room there. Yeah. If you go to a bar and you pay for the first round or the first two rounds and you go to the next bar, the acceptable thing is for her to say, let me buy this one and for you to graciously allow that. What do you think about this as a dude? So basically you have a, you have a dummy credit card, right? Yeah.

And it says, it says, text on the card that goes, this is a dummy card. Come back and say, all right. I was able to split the bill on both cards, but charge everything on the other card. So it looks like a credit card, but it's sort of a secret note to the waiter slash bartender. So you tell the girl, we're splitting this and then it's 2017 after all, baby, or honey or whatever. That's what the back of your card says. Yeah.

She goes to swipe and it says, please don't wrap me out on the card. Please don't wrap me out. This is a dummy card. I guess it won't be able to swipe. What would you have to charge the whole thing? I think it's a bad idea, both in principle and in execution. Yeah. Like it's immoral and it's impractical.

It's evil and bad and it won't work. Yeah. And like it puts the waiter in a difficult position, right? Right. Because it'll be like, please, please, please. I would venture to guess you would never, ever get away with it. So it sort of outs you as a spineless coward. I haven't told you the worst part.

A miserly spendthrift. Yeah. The worst part yet. The card costs close to $10,000. You're immoral. Yeah. I get that. All right.

I get that from time to time. To each her own. All right. Thanks for emailing in. To your own questions or theme songs, send them all to ifirushowatgmail.com. The opening theme song, remember, was Emily and Anthony the Bieber parody? I loved that song. This one is from Sam and the Boys.

Another great song with some great voices. We'll be back maybe on a Thursday this week. No spoilers, but keep your eyes peeled on that feed. Thanks for listening. We'll be back soon. Ta-da. Good night. Goodbye.

That's trying to sabotage me, sabotaging me right now. All right. Check, check, check. All right. There we go. All right. This is going to be great. It's going to be fine.

I'm not flat. You're flat. There we go. All right. I got a sticky situation. The need of information. So I asked these two Caucasians out of desperation. My mother likes my best friend.

Body yeast infection plus a festering erection. I need a life inspection from these two Jews. If I were you, what would you do? Y'all do you? The lyrics from me say I had it, but that was good. No, that was good. That was a hate gun podcast.