If I Were You - 292: Yoga Privates (w/Phil and Mike!)

Episode Date: September 14, 2017

Co-creators of HBO's "Animals" Phil Matarese And Mike Luciano join us to discuss how jobs are like lovers, and the road to making their television show.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. This is a headgum podcast. That's good. That's Scooby-Doo. Phil and Mike. Hi, guys. This is Phil Matter East talking. This is Mike LeCiano talking. I just want to clarify that up top. We've done a lot of radio before. I'm on top of the mic. Who made that track?

That? Great question. You want to host the show? I love it. That one was written by a band called Dear Lincoln. It was written by Nathan, but his folk band, Dear Lincoln, can be found on DearLincoln.com. That's good. Guys, that was really good. That was a great theme song. It was really great. We're just talking.

Guys, Dear Lincoln, right into the show, was that an instrumental that you dubbed over? Was that a ground up creation from your own? It's a topic of discussion. We'd love to hear your thoughts. What do you guys think? You guys are kind of experts in this field of voiceover. Yeah. I don't know. I couldn't really tell from over here because it was played through the laptop. Of course. So that's on you? That's a little behind the scenes action, but regardless, guys, great job.

I'm always impressed by how good people are at things. Making that little song. Where'd it go, man? What do we do? We just fart into a mic for an hour. This guy created a piece of art. I find it funny if you guys slowly took over hosting this show over the course of this episode. I somehow have listener questions. People sent me. You did that very slight underhanded dig. I couldn't really tell the song because it was played through a laptop, but then you just kept doing that.

We could host the hell out of this show. You're not really reading it that well, but I guess if I had to answer that question. Before you know it, you guys took over. Just a slowly crossfade into you guys hosting this show. Phil and Mike, how would our fans know who the hell you guys are? I don't know. The only thing that we've made is our HBO show called Animals. We're working on our third season now. It's an animated HBO show that has had many funny people that's been on this show. Ben Schwartz, who else have we had? The two people we're looking at right here.

Tim Baltz, I think was in it. Tim Baltz was on it. Gabriel, we just had him last week. He was so funny. He's this bulldog. It's talking animals. I could never fill in. What our show is, it's talking animals in New York City, basically, and all their little weird stories. Jake and Amir have been on the show. We've been squirrels and rats.

Squirrels, yeah. Just squirrels. They did a quick rats. Right, I'm sorry. That was all the way back in the first season? That was all the way back, yeah. A brief opening scene where Amir gets squashed by a big brick. The squirrel version of me looks like a $7 residual check. Four cents every six months.

It's embarrassing cashing it. I guess I'll go to the bank. Can I get four pennies for this guy? And I owe my agent .04 cents. Can you slice this penny into fourths? But I was saying the squirrel one looks like me. He's got a little Amir-ness to him. I already looked like a squirrel and then he added glasses to him.

This is a very accurate portrayal of who I am as an animal. Something about him. We just wanted a little albino squirrel for some reason. I feel like Amir Blumenfeld could do this pretty good. And Gabriel says a bulldog is perfect, too. Gabriel says a gym teacher bulldog, like a long island. It's really lovely. I can't wait. That'll come out in three years. That's the joy of podcasting.

It might not be as prestigious as an HBO show, but hell, it's Monday and this will be online Wednesday night. And we make just as much cash for it. Four cents an episode. Sorry, Jake and I get just as much cash. You guys got paid a little bit differently. So this is an advice podcast. Have you guys done podcasts before?

We've done Gabriel's podcast before, and we did the Adam Corolla show once. That's great. We love doing Gabriel's show, but we had the world's worst publicists for last season for some reason. Yeah, we don't get on much, guys. We don't get on much. We're sort of this weird cursory.

We make our little HBO animated series. We get funny people on it, but we don't really do much else. So we're really happy to be here. Oh yeah, we've done Harmit Town. That was great. That was our big ones. And Corolla's the biggest podcast. It is, yeah. That was one where my uncle texted me.

Holy shit! I always thought you made it when the uncle texted you. Have you ever been uncle texted? Maybe when we were on a crossword puzzle. That was a good uncle. You guys were Jeopardy too, right? Yeah, when we were Jeopardy questions. I was like through everybody.

That's so funny. That's not something that I was that. I mean, it was cool. But I would be so much happier if my uncle texted me that he saw our underviewed Vimeo series. We pour our heart into a year's worth of making a basically a movie. And it's like, whatever. Well, you're on Jeopardy! No one got the answer right.

They said it was the hardest question ever. What an esoteric poll they said. Was that college Jeopardy? I think we were on... We were Jeopardy! question twice. And one time it was college Jeopardy! The haters were very quick to point out it was college Jeopardy. I assure you.

Not real Jeopardy, was it? My enemy said. Alright, so this is an advice podcast. People email us if I were you show at gmail.com. Sometimes they'll seek our guidance. Sometimes they'll write a Scooby-Doo theme parody. We have no idea what we're going to get. But we got some good questions.

How are you guys at giving advice? Friends that look up to you? I'm pretty bad with advice. I have to be honest. I never know what to give. Being self-aware is the first step, I think. Yeah, I think I'm pretty bad, too. I've never had genuine conversations with people.

I'm very much doing bits. Mike and I don't know a lot about each other. We've lived together for a long time. We've worked on this for a while. But for the most of it, it's talking about other mediums. That's right. Alright, so let's see how well you guys can do right now. I feel like you're being a little self-deprecating.

But we'll test your skills. Yeah. This is a lady. Phil, do you have a fake lady's name? We're going to give this lady a fake name just so we can talk about her while preserving her anonymity. How about Terry? That's great.

Yeah, Terry, what? Just so smug. You guys should see Phil's face. How about Terry? I was really hyped on that. Terry Z. That's cool. I like that.

Alright, Terry Z. Right. I'm a 26-year-old yoga instructor from New York and I'd love your insight. I have one-on-one sessions with a client. Let's call him Arnold. Some context for the next piece. I've been called a brunette Jessica Rabbit by many people.

So I wear loose clothes, hair back, and no makeup with my privates to sexualize the experience as much as possible. His girlfriend, let's call her Helga, asked for a private too. I thought it went so well until Arnold frantically called me the next day saying she thinks we're having an affair.

Arnold is asking me to lie about how many sessions we've had once a week and where we've had them at his house so that he doesn't look guilty. She just seems like a crazy insecure woman. I believe in integrity and truth especially since nothing has ever remotely happened between us

but he does pay me $100 a week which I need and doesn't want to move forward until I lie. So do I lie and feel uncomfortable for the money or do I stand in my truth and lose one or two clients? Help, love Terry Z.

This is incredible. First of all, that these sorts of situations exist in the world and then they're writing it. It's just amazing. Arnold is a piece of shit. You think so? He's a piece of shit. He's like bringing this poor yoga instructor

into his problems. What are you going to do? This lady is so convinced that Arnold is fucking a yoga instructor and the only way to quell her fears is to get the yoga instructor to lie about how often they've been fucking, sorry,

doing yoga. $100 a week's worth. It's funny, as soon as you said 26-year-old yoga instructor in New York City imagined the hottest girl ever and then she was like brown-haired Jessica Rabbit and I was like, okay, I was right.

I've been called a brown-haired Jessica. As we all are every now and then. I wear loose clothes and hair back to de-sexualize it. At first I didn't realize what privates meant when she said I don't wear makeup with my privates. Is she like dolling up her pussy?

Usually when she goes out, she does. Okay, goodness gracious. So who wrote in? Jessica Rabbit wrote in, right, Terry Z? Yeah, Terry. She should not, I mean, $100 is pretty awesome. A week? $100 a week is pretty awesome, but

I think she should really be open with what's the guy's name, Anthony? Arnold. You had one down. There's so many moving parts. She does have two different, she's mixing like if she's going Jessica Rabbit, she should have done

what's the guy's name, is Roger. But she's like bringing in, hey, Arnold. So that's what my advice is. Well, let's put this in perspective that we can possibly understand. Phil or Mike, let's say someone's asking you for one-on-one lessons. What would that be and what are you great at?

What are you in the 99th percentile of? Man, maybe making animation stuff. You know, like they could give us storyboards and we could grade them and have it be funny. So let's say a lady has been meeting with you once a week and her boyfriend's like, you're fucking these guys, I know it.

And then she's like, can you just lie and say we haven't been meeting that often? Would you lie or would you call the guy and be like, listen, I've been meeting with him her once a week, but we're not fucking relaxed. Fuck. She draws an amazing Jessica Rabbit. You know, I think it's just lessons.

Yeah, it's just lessons. I think in any circumstance, you're lying and you're building this house of cards. It's all going to fall down and she's implicating herself in it too. Yeah. Where you just got to either say to the

purse, the girlfriend, nothing's happening or you say to the dude nothing's happening and just fucking write it all off. No matter what, don't lie. I guess is what I'm getting at. I got confused again with all these things. But you could say like, hey, we never, I never

fucked your boyfriend. And that's all I'm going to say about it. Oh, yes, I fucked the guy once. I totally forgot to mention that. No, no, no, I'm just joking about that. But would you lie? Would you lie just to avoid this awkward moment? Or would you like stand your ground, tell the truth

and potentially lose your client? I'd be a professional, right? We all got to have professional backbones. And I think we all, if we can't stand on that, god damn it, what can we stand on? You know what? The mic is in downward dog right now.

I think the truth will prevail. I'm going to go off your little speech and I think the truth will prevail in that it'll all, if she's honest with the girlfriend that she'll eventually see the truth of the situation as well.

That's my opinion. And I've got two ideas. One, you tell the guy I'm not dealing with this. This is your problem. You don't have to do anything. And the guy can go and lie whatever he needs to say.

And I think that the girlfriend would understand that the yoga teacher doesn't want to be involved in this. Two is you lie your ass off. You'd say everything this guy wants to hear. And then you're like, by the way, my rates went up to 150.

That's good. I'm going to tell the girlfriend that I sucked you up. That's good. That's pretty good too. That way you're making more money. I like the shit you said about having a backbone. With that backbone

she was pretty good too. But that extra 50 bucks is going to be pretty good too. I would probably lie just to be like, listen, we've only been meeting twice. And we've only been meeting

twice a month, not once a week. So let me continue doing yoga with your boyfriend or whatever. The interesting thing about that lie is that it does preserve the greater truth, which is that you haven't fucked. Right, exactly. So if you don't lie, she doesn't believe the truth. Whoa.

Say that again? I want to get it as a tattoo. I'm going to turn your mic off. Yeah. The bad lie is like we have been fucking but I have to lie to this girl. This is like a white lie where it's like, don't worry, we haven't been fucking

because and then the reasons are different. So that's why I feel like it's fine to lie and it'll keep you getting 100 bucks a week, which is pretty solid though. New York City, you guys know that's not going to get you a slice of pizza in a cup of coffee. Pizza on the corner out of my way.

I was in New York plastic. I paid $100. Legit for a slice of pie. Mule, you had a cup of coffee and a pizza and it was like $100. New York, you know. No rules. And by the way, $4 for that cup of coffee.

Hey! Taxi! I took an Uber, it cost me $1100. It's saying you're overpaying for everything. It was to western Pennsylvania but still $1100. All right, next question. Let's see what we got here. Oh, here we go.

Mike, how about a fake guy's name? A fake guy's name. You could be anything. Donatello. That's perfect. Where'd you come up with that? You know what? Donatello is sort of one of those ones that's always stored

in the back of my head. I like thinking of it not associated with Ninja Turtles. That's not a part of this. This is just Donatello. Donatello does machines? Is that what he did? Donatello. Leonardo. I feel like this turned

into a turd. I know Michelangelo's a party dude. Raphael is cool but rude. Donatello does machines. What a weird pitch. So he's cool but rude, right? But this guy does machines.

And Michelangelo's a party dude. Can you imagine? This is too insider, but like pitching a TV show, you have to have the characters so in-depth. And Donatello is just like the machines guy. He does machines. It'll be in the theme song

so you guys won't figure it out. You know how your uncle does machines? So Donatello does that. So he's like that. Donatello writes, Here's my situation. My girlfriend and I have been on and off for almost three years. This time around

being on for the longest consecutive time. Ten months after having been off for the longest time. Nine months. So the questions we get can be a little confusing. During those nine months, we did our fair share of dirty deeds with other people. So when we got back together, excuse me,

we eventually got into an argument. Thinking about sex just made you throw up. Disgusting. During those nine months, we did our fair share of dirty deeds with other people. So when we got back together, we eventually got into an argument that led us revealing the shit that we had done when we were apart.

The building up trust issues with me because she found out I had dunked my donuts into a couple of her sorority sisters. Oh, goodness gracious. So that led to this huge fight we got into after doing the deed. We were going to town and I was getting her to the point of no return

and boom, I KOed that G-spot of hers. And soon after, it would be my turn to release the Kraken. Kraken? Kraken. Kraken is a really funny thing to talk about. Can I change the name to Stiffler?

Yeah. However, when you come and you scream release the Kraken. What does that reference to? Release the Kraken. Release the Kraken. I don't even know what that is. I guess I saw it 15 years ago.

However, this time around, my load was a mere pea-sized amount and nothing more. And coincidentally, on this occasion, there were some new positions as well. As soon as we were done, I started getting shit for this. She automatically begins to accuse me of cheating on her

and having girls over when she isn't around. She starts to complain that I didn't come enough and that she knows how my body works, that when I don't come a lot it's because I've been fucking. Mind you, she lives almost an hour away from me and she travels a lot from work, but I assure you I'm loyal AF.

So my question for the senores is, how do I get her to trust me and understand that sometimes all you get is a pea-sized amount of human dough? And also, how do I increase my load amount? The relationships

this complicated usually end well. Ugh. Much love, Donatello. Alright. Oh shit, the little indent genuinely asking, how do I increase my load amount? He's so confident.

He's the crackin' KO the G spot. How do I increase my load? God. Yeah, just instant detective work after the ejaculation and be like, that's not enough. Yeah. Well, Donatello I think the first and foremost

you guys are back together. Whatever you did during that nine months, you boinked a bunch of people, just be trustworthy for this whatever period it was, three months or whatever you guys got back together for. Yeah. All you have to do is be trustworthy, man. And if she sees that

your spurt is a little bit less than normal, well then I don't know, bring up a google search average male spurt Equals question mark. Wait, did Donatello have a reason why his spurt

wasn't all the way there? He could just say masturbated or something. Yeah. He said he was trying out different positions or something like that. Your spurts are less the more you masturbate, right? Yeah, because there's a finite amount I would think of spurting to be done

like if you hold off for a long time, the first one is like, you know, the buildup of days and days. Scary movie. What's that? You're blowing to the roof. Oh yeah, scary movie, that's right. Classic. Jesus Christ, what a weird the bigger question.

The bigger question is at the end do relationships this complicated usually end well? I hate to say no, right? Yeah, I would say any relationships usually don't end well like one in a thousand end well. Trust and die or the other

person dies. The best case scenario. I feel like trust and jealousy is like this, it's a tiny little poison that can seep into a relationship and once it's started, you can kind of just throw in the towel. Yeah. There's no getting it back.

I don't think so, which is weird because he only fucked other people when they were broken up. It's kind of like when you have a job, you're not going to get that big of a pay increase. You only get the big pay increase when you leave and go to another company. Wow. You're never going to get a big trust increase from the same

human. You can only get it once you start from scratch. This is the first time I've ever heard that metaphor used in a relationship and it's kind of like cold but it's really true. It is. So trust is money. Love is cash.

Yeah, everything is cash to me and if you don't have someone that has a lot of cash, quit that person and hire another. But you could also be unemployed for a long time. That's going to happen. We're skirting the bigger question of how do you get that goop bigger, baby?

How do you get more of that goop? That guap, though. That fucking dough, that sea, that nasty, that gushy stuff. Well, eating pineapples just makes your goop taste better. That doesn't give you more goop. Oh, spicy food, I heard,

makes it taste better, too. Sorry, that's only just how it makes it taste better, which is not what you have. It doesn't matter if it's just a dollar, Jake, we need more. You go to a nice restaurant, the food's not bigger, it just tastes better. Yeah, that's true. So next time she complains, it's only a little bit, but try it.

Yeah. I've tried it myself, and it is very tasty. Listen, Donna Tello, she lives an hour away. We all know you're jerking off too much, buddy. You just got to quit squeezing that knob to hold on to it until you see your girl. Be trustworthy.

But ultimately, we all agree that you needed a new job. I need a girlfriend. You're not going to fix this one, dude. It's too late. The damage is done. All right, let's take a break. We'll thank some people, and we'll be back with Michael and Mike after this.

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because you're not paying rent for a building somewhere that you have to drive to and wait in a waiting room. This is done entirely online, but you're still getting professional licensed help, and it's extra affordable. That's betterhelp.com

if I were you. Check them out. Thanks, BetterHelp. Thanks, BetterHelp.com. And we're back! Phil and Mike, how'd you meet each other? When did you meet each other? Tell us everything. You don't go from

getting a job, getting a job, getting a job, getting a job, getting a job, getting a job, getting a job, getting a job,

getting a job, getting a job, getting a job, getting a job, getting a job, getting a job, getting a job, getting a job, getting a job. You don't go from friends

to HBO show without making a great without making a few enemies. without making a few enemies. We worked at the same ad agency in 2011 to co-workers. Pretty recent. on the side together.

We were just too, like Mike was making music videos. I was doing a little webcomic sort of thing. Okay. So we combined our forces and just started doing this little animals web series. That was your first attempt at something. That was our first attempt at something. You're still doing it as a television show.

It's our job now for a long time. So what's the quick path there? You create it for fun for the internet? Yeah, fun for the internet. Go ahead, Mike. So we started making it kind of once a month, these little shorts, and then we would screen it around different places.

And then eventually we did this kind of longer version. That was like a quarter hour sort of thing. And that won this best comedy at this thing called the New York Television Festival. And then from there, that sort of got us in touch with our producer, Mark. And eventually we moved out here, made two, our first two episodes, and then screened those

at Sundance. Holy shit. And then from there, sold it to HBO. Jesus. Had our first two, we sold it for two seasons. So we got to make like two, we had the insurance of knowing that we were going to have two seasons and some time to figure it out, you know?

Very little struggle there. You're not supposed to succeed that quickly and frequently without any failure. But you know what? It was like our web series version of it. It was all about like placement and like getting on cool screenings and getting it into short film festivals and all that sort of stuff.

But it sounds quicker, but like the getting into Sundance was working in an apartment with four people for a year. Mike and I getting no and like quitting are pretty good advertising jobs, which also fucking sucks. So it wasn't that hard. But quitting those and moving to LA and not making any income for a whole year.

So why'd you move to LA before having the show? It was, we knew we wanted to get into the industry somehow and like be writers eventually, whether or not this worked out. But you know, our producer, Mark DuPlas, you know, like we could get a lot more voice talent to do it if we moved out here. I'm just like working more intimately with him

and him setting up our shop and everything. We just wanted to be all in, you know, so we had to move to rather than sort of tiptoe and do it from afar in New York. It was all like we had to kind of, you know, fully bet on ourselves and the idea. Wow. So you took a risk. Took a little risk. Took a tidbit of a risk.

Well, you were living together, so you were like trying to minimize your outgoing cash flow. Yeah. Yeah, that was a straight, it was like, it was this weird, like going back to college sort of thing after like kind of starting a different career and then going back and calling my dad for money for a little bit.

Which is great. And now you guys are working with like A-list celebrities. Like you have Oscar winners that are voicing characters on your show. That's true. That's crazy. They do come in and they act, become turkeys and all these different wild sort of animals. I mean, I've been there when people were recording.

Everybody just has fun. It's like, I mean, we've tried to keep it exactly the same as it was when it was filling myself in our apartments at four in the morning on a work day where, you know, it's just the fun of being around a microphone, knowing what we kind of have to do for a scene or something,

but just laughing so hard and having so much fun, you know, doing recording and getting that vibe. And I think as we've, as the shell of this little show has grown and grown and we've gotten more and more people, I think that that seed is still there. And that's what draws people to it is it feels a little... Yeah, the scripts we got from season one and season,

anybody listening now can go watch both season one and two in entirety on HBO. HBO Go, HBO Now, all that jazz. And like, you guys talk about what the scripts look like because they're pretty unique. They're like these little 12 to 18 page outlines. That's basically, you know, it's bullet points for what each one of the scenes are gonna be.

So there's like a scene A and then one, two, three things that we wanna get out in each one of these scenes. And that's basically it, what we're gonna have for the actors and what we want them to do and their motivations and all that sort of stuff. There's a ton of improvising. Ton of improvising.

And every now and then we'll script out some stuff and give them lines and that sort of stuff. But, you know, you guys were in there where we were kind of feeling it out, different takes. And then we'll have takes about third eye blind. I think that made the cut. Yeah, yeah. I remember it's like, okay, Jake really likes third eye blind.

You guys are smoking pot and talk about third eye blind. And then you just did that. Now it's in the show. You turn that into a runner, you know, and then bring it up later. And then it's, I think that, yeah. We really wanted to feel like this too, where it's a kind of a podcast vibe

and people come in and their versions of themselves. The first season you guys were like bullies. So it was like a little bit of like, we want Jake in a mirror, don't do like weird voices or anything, but like you're a little bit of these kind of bully guys. So inherently we feel like it becomes a little bit more organic and people relax

and can be themselves a little bit. It is funny that that's like, it's such a, that's very, it is relaxed, but it's also such a clear vision for that show. That show is like stayed very consistent to it. Oh, thanks man. Now you guys are working on season three. Season three, yeah.

We didn't know we were going to get a season three. We were picked up for the two. So it was a little bit of a waiting period, but we got the third season and it's going to be really weird and different. We killed all the humans. Oh, shit, that's a spoiler if anyone has, but at the end of season two,

our show is not, it's not like Game of Thrones. Yeah, yeah. We killed all the humans. So it's like this weird, like all the animals are rebuilding their society. It's different. We try to make real big changes every season. That's awesome.

So you've been working on this thing for probably like six years. Are you like, I can work on it for 20? Or you're like, I hope it ends soon so I can work on this other idea I've had. We've been dancing around pitching other stuff too, but we could do this forever, I think. I think we could.

Like South Park, you can just do 20 seasons and be happy. Yeah, cause you know, each episode is, they're connected throughout a season, but they are like their own little short films. So if you like think of like the dumbest thing, we have this fucking episode in this upcoming season that's a trial between the careers of Jim Carrey and Adam Sandler.

And that's it. It's just these rats. It's like a courtroom drama kind of send up, but it's just my rat just really defending the fact that Jim Carrey is better than Adam Sandler. That's the other thing I love about your show is like your sense of nostalgia is like exactly where I am.

I don't think there's, I don't think there's another show that does it, like that is at the exact same, are we the same age? I'm 28. I just turned 30. Yeah, so I'm 34. I'm 22.

But that's hot crazy. Hot. Wait, who said Adam Sandler is better than Jim Carrey? No, my character does. My character does, but do you believe that? I love that now I have to defend this. No, we, how did that even come about? I don't know, but we-

It was us just riffing. We started just talking about how silly the idea is to compare these two. You know, the argument in the episode is that, you know, Phil's argument is that Jim Carrey is this artist that came out in 1994 and hits you with- Ace Ventura.

Ace Ventura. The Mask. Dumb and Dumber. Dumb and Dumber all in one year. 1994, one year. Wow, three, one year. So his first, it's a courtroom trial drama. So he comes out and like, that's his whole thing.

And then my whole thing is like the long ball game and like- The longest yard. The longest yard. The longest yard. And how- He's an industry. Adam Sandler is like a workhorse

and is consistent and keeps doing it out of a love of it. Yeah. And- He definitely consistently makes movies. He makes movies, yeah. For sure. He definitely hasn't stopped.

He has not stopped. Mike's got a big line at the end where he's like, Adam Sandler has put David Spade's niece through college. He's just a big web of the industry of Adam. That's great. I think it's gonna be good. I hope it's a scene. I wonder if they'll see it.

I wonder if they'll do a voice. Maybe. Can you imagine that? We'll figure out something. That'd be great. But would you guys get- Oh, if Adam, if, oh, I misread you. But that would be really bold to ask

if we could come back for a second. On this show. Keep rolling. We're gonna, we're reaching out to them. So it's TBD, but we have it written where they can appear or they cannot appear. I feel like it's not gonna happen. Who's the biggest thing?

But like, what if one of them gets on, then you guys have to make that person. I know, yeah. Yeah, it's not like, hey, can we have you on so we can fucking rail you and say you lost this debate? It ends sweetly. Where it's just like, it's not about this.

It's about the idea of they're both great. But there is a winner. Who's the biggest name that said no to being on the show? Ooh, Ashton Kutcher just said no. Right before we got here, yeah. Lauryn Hill, we just got it. Lauryn Hill just said no.

Tons of people have said no. We shoot for the goddamn roof and every now and then it pokes through where Jessica Chastain or someone will say yes and we're like, what the fuck? Jessica Chastain's the coolest one. Yeah. I just have a huge celebrity crush on her.

She's amazing. She was like so sweet too. And like, we had her as a turkey that is about to sadly get slaughtered on Thanksgiving. And we played it like a drama and we wanted her to do kind of this accent. It's her and Danny McBride. So you know everything I said about being yourself

on her show? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Completely out of tune. Yeah, well, it was kind of a joke too. It was like, all right, well, the one person that kind of do an accent and said like a really cartoony person will be Jessica Chastain after doing

like kind of an Eastern European thing. And she like really tried to get the accent like really specific and it was just great. That's awesome. Yeah, it was fun. Cool. Well, look forward to seeing more. Season three coming in early, early 2025.

Yep, right about that. Something like that. It's gonna be so good. When David Spade's niece is going into retirement. We have time to answer one more question. If you guys do. Let's do it. Hell yeah.

Hell yeah. This is a 25 year old British girl. Okay. Maybe you guys can tag team a name. Phil, first name? I want to say B.R.O. Oh, Bridget. Bridget Beverly.

Oh, that is British. High five. That's beautiful. That was the worst handshake I've ever seen. For sure. I just grabbed his thumb like I was a baby. Yeah. I just came out the way.

Mike's crying. I was like, look at the grip on this one, huh? Bridget, a softball player. Bridget Beverly is a 25 year old British girl at university and she has a problem. I recently started going on dates as I want to be in a relationship. However, I don't like sex at all.

It grosses me out and I find the idea of having sex with somebody repulsive. My main problem is that I'm scared to tell people I am going on dates with this fact as I'm worried that no one will want to date me if sex isn't on the table. Help, what should I do? Would you date someone long term

knowing that they will probably never have sex with you? Thanks, love Bridget Beverly. P.S. I know a lot of people would say, how do you know you don't like sex if you've never tried it? But believe me, I tried it and it didn't get very far since the idea of sex is so gross to me. Wow.

Let's try to be really woke when we answer this question. First, a very British question. Yeah. Sex is improper to me. Goodness. Okay, so she's asexual. Yeah. That's our term, right?

It's funny because asexual means not sexual, right? Yes. Asexual being means you are sexual, right? Oh, asexual. Asexual, asexual. I don't know, I'm just a little grammar human for everybody. Quick aside. Yeah.

Okay. Have you ever met somebody or known somebody to be like this? No. Right. It goes against evolution. Yeah. Sex is supposed to feel good so that you procreate.

Yeah. Yeah. This is a real thumper, huh? I would not date people and spring down them at a certain point. I feel like that's the first thing, that's the lead, that's the opener, right? It's straight up a non-starter.

Of course. No, there's no getting around it. It sounds like she ultimately just wants friends. Right. Because you want a really close friendship or a relationship with another. I feel like there's gotta be asexual message boards or dating apps or something.

Yeah, but how does it work? Let's say you're asexual, do you like making out? Do you like cuddling? Do you like, like, what are you down? Like at what point does it become more than? This is you wanna date with her? Yeah. I mean, how about a hand job?

Christ, Mr. Midget. At least watch me jerk it for crying out. Are you, it's a mutual masturbation? What were you saying about being woke? Oh. Yeah. Yeah, so I don't understand, if two asexual people get together,

is it any different than friendship? Are they like cuddling? Are they feeling some sort of semblance of romantic interaction? Yeah, cause they could say I love you and stuff, right? Sure, like you could say that to friends. That's being in a relationship, I guess. Man, this is really kind of hurting my brain.

I bet there's a spectrum of like being asexual, where like some people are into cuddling, but not wet contact, and some people are into like zero contact at all, just want the camaraderie. I wanna talk to this girl. I wanna be like, do you masturbate? Does it feel good to orgasm? Have you ever orgasm?

Does it like, does any of it feel good? Or like, what part of it grosses you out? Right, yeah. We should really have a podcast where we like have people on that we are allowed to ask dumb questions too. Cause sometimes we have like gay or lesbian people on this podcast, and I'm afraid to ask them, cause I don't wanna seem like I don't know what I'm talking about.

How does it go between you? What is it to be bi? Yeah. So Bridget's question is what exactly? You know, since sex is off the table, I'll say this to Bridget, you know, it focuses, you know, what your first priority should be, which is finding somebody who appreciates you for you,

and you appreciate them for them, and then you start there. And then you work, and you build a thing that works for both of you. Micah's rock hard right now. I am just peeking right now. Ooh! And let me tell you something.

No, I'm not gonna make it. No. I was gonna go for a spurt joke, and I was like, yeah. It's not a pea-sized amount. Would you guys date somebody that was asexual, or is it also like a, tell me before we even get into half of a conversation?

I would, for sure, like to know upfront. That's like, yeah, I don't know. It feels, goodness, I'm trying to be woke about this. Well, but it's about you. I mean, there are some things that you need to know upfront. There's, you know, like, oh, my dad's in jail or something, that you don't have to tell somebody that upfront. You know, that's like, you can tell.

You can tell. This one's one you need to know upfront. I think 99% of the human population likes to have sex, and it's fine that some people don't, but you can't really get into a relationship with someone when you love sex. It's two-way street, right? Yeah.

So. I keep thinking about wet contact. That was a great term. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Wet contact, why did you say that? When I was talking about the spectrum of asexuality. That's where she cuts it off, is wet contact. The specific question is, what should I do?

And would you date someone long-term? Knowing that they will probably never have sex with you. Never. I think none of us would date someone long-term, if that's answering that question. But what would she do is, yeah, you gotta just, whatever you're meeting people on, the Tinder, the et cetera profile, put it in there.

Just put it in there. I mean, you're also gonna. Explain it. It's helpful to her, cause I think she's gonna have her heart broken over and over again. She's like, starts to like somebody a lot. She's like, by the way, I'm not gonna have sex with you. And they're like, oh, you wanna wait till marriage?

She's like, no. Not after that, too. Never keep going. Never. Not there either. Yeah, cause some people are fine to wait for marriage. I mean, people are fine to, I think there's definitely people that are,

if it's important to you to wait to have sex, that's something that's not like, you don't have to tell somebody right away for that. I wonder if she's having difficulty having sex because she doesn't love the people she's having sex with. So maybe if she's in this relationship long enough, she can develop something where she learns to tolerate it.

And again, it's quite all right if you are completely asexual and you never want it. That's fine. But like, does my fiance think I like going to Whole Foods every Sunday? No, but I tolerate it. Tolerate it. I'm going to work down there.

Yeah, is it like, can you take an asexual person? Is it like someone who's like, you know what? I don't like olives, but I've been eating a little bit and now I've trained myself to enjoy it. Certainly sex is better than olives. Can you do that with sex? Can you grow to learn to like sex? Yeah.

It seems possible. This is why we need to have some sort of a sexual therapist or expert on our show. Yeah, but we can only answer what we could do, which is one, I would say, let the person know upfront. And I'm sure there is like, if not an app, then at least a message board or community where you can meet other like-minded asexual people.

And then you don't have to worry about what the other person's thinking, because they're just like you. Yeah, definitely. What about an asexual love story? Doesn't that, wouldn't that be an interesting rom-com? That would be. Yeah.

You guys want to tag team it? Yeah, that's a cool idea. Go far away on the script. At the end. Google Docs, what are you guys going to say? Yeah, yeah, let's do a shared doc. We'll bust out the outline real quick. This is our story to tell.

So at the end, they'll fuck it again. What were, we were missing this whole time. Yeah. Bigsburg. Bigsburg. Richsburg. We liked it the whole time. The credits is just like sploosh,

and then a name for it. Sploosh, name for it. Anyway, Donatello does machines. So that's our, let us know what you think. All right, Phil and Mike, this was fun. Thank you guys for having us. Thanks for having us. Where can our fans find you guys?

I'm at Phil or Philip on all this stuff, Twitter, et cetera. Phil or Philip. Phil or Philip with one L on that back end, Philip. Really? Very nice. Is that a choice your parents made? Yep. There's also Philip.

I imagine I took it away. With IPs and UPs, right? Oh, I've never seen a UP before. I knew it was. That's incredible. Philip growing up. Really? With a UP?

Maybe that's just how I pronounced it. Philip. Quiet, Philip. There's also an FYLYP, right? FYLYP. You could spin it however you want. But guys, just to drive in home again, that's at Phil or Philip.

I follow you on Twitter and it's a very enjoyable. Thanks, Jake. That's a great Twitter. What about Michael? I am, is at Mike Luciano. That's gonna be on Instagram. And then if you go over to the Twitter app, it's gonna be at Mike Luciano's SUP, that's S-U-P.

You can just say SUP to me whatever you want, and interpret it your way. And that's perfect. It's not confusing, which is what I love about it. App straightforward, like Luciano SUP. Thanks to everybody that wrote in, including the theme song submitters, at the top, what was that for?

Oh, Dear Lincoln, the band Dear Lincoln. I like that as a band name, it's good, it's a good band name. And this closing one is Zach and Adam, who make music as Azure, A-Z-U-R. That one's not as good. And then you can go to soundcloud.com slash we are Azure. Of course, there's no E at the end of Azure when they spell it in their band.

Are you Azure? Absolutely, certain, at the very least. All right, so thanks Zach and Adam, and Dear Lincoln, and Phil and Mike. Thanks, guys. Adios, amigos. Nice. We'll be back next week.

Bye. All the judges are here. Dear Lincoln, yeah, you're free. So brush away, we'll see. This is your Academy. Yes! Yes! Yes!

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Six-Nil! You get one point for being a bitch. This one's for the skunk, though.