If I Were You - 293: Step Sibling Sex (w/Geoffrey James!)

Episode Date: September 18, 2017

In this episode we discuss bad noises, good jelly, and our live show at UCB Theatre on September 27!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

Welcome to If I Were You, the show is Jake and Amir, these two funny guys give you advice for your quandaries they were listening here, would it kill you to take some advice? No! Actually if your answer involves a Starbucks it might, I promise to be nice Unless your question makes you come across like a jackass or something If I were you, if I were you, if I were you, if I were you Alright, I loved it! You called it basic during the recording

What are you talking about? You said ukulele, can you get more basic? I didn't say that Didn't he? You're putting words in my mouth You said that the A minor in the chorus was sharp There's nothing wrong with it being sharp Do you have perfect pitch?

I do have perfect pitch Alright, let's hear it Give me any fucking note C C Give me another one G G

No, you're saying the difference C G Very different C G Now you're picking A

C G B B minor I can also do tabs Jeffrey James in the house He's back Who wrote the song?

Oh, Melissa Fletcher And what's our band camp? Our soundcloud is Skelby's S-K-E-L-B-E-E-S Very nice, thank you for the tune Jeff, thoughts? I liked it a lot It reminded me of Ingrid Michelson

Who? Nevermind I love it Yeah What is it? We'll buy fancy sweaters And learn how to dance Yeah

There's like Let's all Sell our parents Get rich and live in the south of France Yeah Let's get cash and just get a cash advance Oh, that's it You never see a rapper with a uke

Fucking two chains being like I think Lil Wayne plays the oboe Really? Yeah And Birdman does like tambourine shit Really? So they have sort of like Yeah

They do like a Mumford and Sons Look at that Future has a triangle it just says on Wikipedia That's the only thing it says on the front page of Wikipedia Really? Yeah, it says future has a triangle That's crazy That's not a barely an instrument

It's just hitting the little Right, Gucci Mane has one of those little like It looks like a fish and you scrape a wooden What's that called? Yes, the wooden scale Yeah, I saw a Busta Rhymes concert once And he legit had an accordion No shit

Like you start to walk it up the aisles Yeah Where's weird out? What? Where's weird out? Never mind Alright, awesome Jeff, how many times have you been on the show at this point?

One and a half One full and then the interns episode Yeah, yeah, yeah Was that real? Yeah What about the live episodes though? Oh, then three and a half Yeah

What if you don't include that, the live one Or don't include the one you were on Then zero No, to include the live one, include the half Don't include the first one that you were actually on Then two and a half Awesome Two and a half

This is your third and a half This is such a weird game I've been on 293, motherfucker It's your show, of course I've only been on 290 No Really? I think I missed

There was at least once where you recorded a two-parter with Ben I don't know if it was a two-parter Really? Yeah, I think it was a one-parter Oh, so I've only missed one? Yeah You should do one without me Alright

We'll even the score, maybe episode 299 or 300 I'll take a knee Do you guys have any special plans for 300 or do you not want to give them away? We don't want to give them away You don't have any plans We don't want to give away that we don't have any plans for And now we have So you get the gist

This is an advice show Obviously people will email us in If I were your show at gmail.com It's not all just theme songs Sometimes people are seeking your wisdom or guidance Now we got a friend in the house Jeffrey James Sophomore at USC

Rising Junior Junior Junior Are you going to be done in three years? No, I'm going to be done next fall Wow What are you going to do when you graduate? I feel like you haven't lined up anything

I'm going to move back to Cleveland and give up the dream Awesome Before you even try You know what? I've given it the old college try I guess just a college try But not the post college try What about the post grad try?

I feel like if it was going to happen for you It would have happened by age 19 It is sort of happening He's leading our YouTube Kind of But you think about where you were He's the head writer of Headcom Yeah, but when I was 19

I pretty much had all my shit together You used to have braces when you were 19 Yeah, I was orthodontically challenged But career-wise I was set on a path forward Right Of course Just a stone's throw from any sort of writer's room What were you doing at 19?

I was living alone as a sophomore in college Living alone? Solo-dolo, no roommate? No, I had roommates I just felt so lonely It felt like I was alone by myself I actually shared a room Did you ever share a room with someone?

After college Not after college Yeah You forget that you shared rooms Have you ever shared a room room? Yeah Not in college though I took classes at SC

In high school and I had a roommate And then I had a single my freshman year of college Which was awesome That's the dream It's so funny, I live in a house And you stood single freshman year of college And I was like, dope! It's so good that it still sounds good to me

As a 32-year-old You have a mortgage I think it's awesome I have like many rooms I could go and buy myself Yeah, but Jake has to share a bed A single college You can do whatever you want in your bed You can get crumbs in it

And it's a twin extra long Did you have a twin extra long? I had a twin XL, yeah But sorry, did you say you could get crumbs in it? That's a plus for you to have that freedom You can do that now, buddy No, I feel bad I feel bad

Sure, I guess You should have felt bad doing it in college too Yeah, I do Alright, let's answer this question from a guy Who has a question about stepsisters And it's not what you think about Get your head out of the gutter He's not trying to bang her

What do you got? A stepsister, a guy with a stepsister What's his name? Can I have a prompt? Maybe a theme for this episode? Fred Flintstone Well, that's the theme Find Flintstone, no

Alright, how about Mesozoic era Oh, that's beautiful That's actually really interesting You can go all the way to Ottoman Let's do Lance I like that You rarely meet a bad Lance

It's a name and something you can do to a boil So that's pretty good You rarely see that Lance writes, longtime listener, first-time caller And I am baller, here's my problem My soon-to-be stepsister And I are going to a music festival this weekend And that our parents set up

While we're there, we're going to be staying In a hotel room together overnight Just like we were talking about My question is, is it considered incest If we were to have sex? So you said it wasn't what we were thinking about But it's exactly It's kind of the only thing you could think about

My parents aren't married yet And even if they were, we're not blood-related I'm a 20-year-old dude From South Carolina, huge fan of the show Love, Lance Lance I feel like she's about to be your sister So

You're not going to forget it They get married and then you didn't have sex And then start a new You're not going to beat your parents to the marriage You'll have sex before they're married But, you know, you can't Make what you're doing okay The only thing they could do

Is elope And then feed them to the punch Oh wow, mom, dad If you guys marry each other, you just You're the weird ones You're supposed to be like In-laws I don't know

Maybe on the drive back from this music festival They stop by a court They get the papers down A courtyard Marriott The honeymoon is a courtyard Marriott Do you have any steps? Are your parents together? Do you have any step siblings? I don't know what the relationship is like

Do you feel like strangers? Or does it feel like siblings? I feel like it would depend when the marriage happened Because Riley Has a step Siblings And I was talking to her about it just because I know her brother But they're very close from what I've seen

Just because they grew up together So it depends on when 20 years old, maybe you wouldn't be close With your step sister or any sibling It almost feels like If you meet your step sibling And they're both 20 You have to fuck them

It's just too hot It's also a music festival So you're bumping and grinding You're dancing the night away You're rolling on Bali Because my first inclination was like step sister Don't do that, that's gross But at the same time, this is a new girl in his life

And her mom just happens to be marrying His dad or whatever You're not going to spend that much time with this person That you're on the holidays You started this question You said this is hot I was thinking it was hot There's like many many porn sites

Literally dedicated to Step siblings fucking each other But you can't use porn as a moral barometer I'm not saying it's moral, I'm saying it's hot You're ass You're bleeding Everywhere I just think that it's

That it's net fine 100% fine I don't know what the legal definition of incest is But it's definitely If you're not blood and your parents aren't married You have like the strangers It's a green light there It's doing something that your parents wouldn't like

But you're probably going to do drugs at the festival Your parents wouldn't like that either An answer from the internet Your step sister by definition is one who is not related By blood to you You are only related through marriage Therefore, there is no legal, moral, or ethical reason For you to marry

Boom Cause this is our last weekend and they are fucking No legal, moral, or ethical reason for you to marry Doesn't it seem like To not get married That probably just pulled from a Got it, a typo It is not incest, that would require her to be your half sister

I would say the only thing you have to know Is that you have to be okay with the fact that like If you're just down the line, if you're like at a family event You just will know that you fucked it At a certain point, which is fine Yeah, which would be great, cool Yeah That's nice

If anything, you just have to know that A couple of years down the line at a family reunion It'll be awesome So are we all going on board with saying it's okay? I think it's fine, I think it's more than fine I think it's hot It goes bad, fine, hot And then good

It's better than hot I think it's not 100% fine But it's 90% fine Yeah, and how hot do you think it is The gap from 90 to 100 Is the hotness though That's the aimorality of it Which makes it good, yeah

And then you're good Hold on, I'm going to post these charts to our website So everybody can follow Is it a-okay? No, but it's not a-okay But it's sexy Which makes it fine, which makes it hot Which makes it good It's B plus okay

It's not 100% okay Yeah, I think it's a little under 100% Perfect, it's a little under perfectly fine I think it's imperfectly fine Yeah It's not 100% good Which is great The worst is like twin brothers

Fucking each other Right Whoa, I was kidding You said right Asserting something The worst is twin brothers fucking each other Yeah, why is that worse than a twin brother and sister Because you didn't say step brothers

That's actually incest Right, but why is that worse than Heterose He did just catch me being a homophobe But I really hate how backwards it was I know, that is not fair That is so not fair I like catching you, it's gotcha journalism

Yeah, well the worst is two grandmas Scissoring each other You mean the scissors? They're both unrelated to each other I just think it's nasty Who are the pointer sisters Yeah, they were grandmothers that Scissored, yeah, there was like this

R&B group in the 70s I don't trust anything you've looked up on your computer so far now Now I can see it You're on stumble upon Alright, let's go to the next question Because I'm frankly so disgusted Jesus There are questions about Grape Jelly

Who? What do you got for a guy's name? Let's go Rance Nice, I see the theme You're backing into the theme And it's Rance Priebus That's right Rance?

I know Rance I don't know Rance I'm a 23 year old dude And I work in kind of an office job And thankfully I do enjoy my co-workers Here's the problem Just today I was walking past the break room To the bathroom so I could wash my hands before lunch

Excuse me Jesus What catches my eye, you may ask A person using my Grape Jelly for his sandwich How do I know it was mine? Because I was the only person Who had Grape Jelly in the fridge And my name on the front of it

Simple enough, right? Just confront him about using it I don't think so, comrades He's the owner of the company I don't mind my condiments being used By a co-worker But do me the pleasure and decency Of asking for permission

Do I confront him? Am I making a bigger deal of this than it needs to be? He beat me in our company's fantasy football league This week by a single point Is he taking advantage of that by mocking me openly? Help! Love Rance He's so illiterate But yeah, first of all

I don't mind my co-workers using my condiments Yes, you do That's what this entire question is about He just wants to be asked for permission By the boss? Yeah, by the boss You think that the boss is He also thinks the boss is openly mocking him?

No, that's a little too much obviously Rubbing this jelly On his bread and in my face What kind of sandwich is this guy making that? He has Grape Jelly in the fridge Peanut butter and jelly This boss is like I gotta make a PB&J, I just don't have the jelly

Here's the thing though There are certain things in a community fridge That should be for everyone if you buy it Because how much jelly is he using? He needs it to last the calendar year I have the same exact thought And I feel like jelly is in between mayonnaise And turkey meat

Yeah If I'm looking through the fridge You don't think twice about asking Whose mustard is whose But do you think twice about whose jelly? I think jelly is one of those It's a specialty product He even calls it a condiment

I think condiments are on the table Literally I think I'm gonna take off Of course You're drinking a cup of jelly You know what, I feel like I can't But feel subtweeted You imagine a squeezeable plastic jar

In one of those nice little mason ones With like the plaid red tops At the top I don't know why, but the first mental image Was Heinz Easy Squirt Of grape jelly? If that's what it is Then this guy needs to shut the fuck up

Heinz Easy Squirt jelly You putting grape jelly on anything, Jeff? No, I haven't used jelly Actually, the last time I had jelly Was at Grand Central with that new PB&J spot But before that I can't remember Oh wow, look at this Easy Squirt It's not even grape, it just says

Funky Purple I think it's actually ketchup Oh and it's just purple colored? Oh that's kind of fun Well look, blue ketchup Focus, this is really neat Imagine putting blue ketchup on French fries I guess this is the kind of focus

This question deserves You're so deep in google image Searches on purple ketchup That's not fun Do they have red ketchup? They don't But they got green beans And not the kind you think

Alright, so Confront the boss? Of course not I wouldn't confront a single person Just put your jelly in the back of the fridge Or in your desk Or just buy a jelly for the fridge And one for yourself

You think the boss Saw the guy's name and he's like Alright fine, jelly's still up for grabs It's a communal fridge So he just didn't care I think the most egregious thing you can do And this used to happen in our office People actually do this

A sandwich would be made And someone would eat a sandwich That's insane That's like fucking crazy I thought it was up for grabs I didn't know it was someone's sandwich Just because it said Blair on it On the paper bag that the sandwich was in

And it was custom made for Blair I really would I would pay to know who Who did it all those years Because it happened over and over I think it was the same person I think there was somebody that has little respect For people's property

It's a sandwich Relax It wasn't even that good It's a full meal, just chill It's just an entire lunch It's just your cash It's in sandwich form and I ate it And I stole money and food

Christ If you want, I'll give you like a little ranch Sauce on the side I also wonder how often somebody just like lost a sandwich Or forgot to bring it to work And still wrote an angry email My name was freaking on it It was egg salad

I don't even care, I just want to know who you are Because you owe me ten bucks And then you go home And you see the egg salad sandwich The egg salad is safe and sound at my house I'm going to bring it in tomorrow It's going to be in the fridge Remember my cake email

Where my mom got me cake My mom got Or delivered cake to The old college humor office in New York And I put it in the fridge And people help themselves Was it for your birthday Or just to jump in

It was for your birthday I thought it was a Jewish holiday Maybe it was Jewish New Year And Amir wrote like an all email Saying like hey there's cake in the kitchen Help yourselves Happy Jewish New Year

And then like later that night The cake was gone You wrote back Can you pull it up I don't know if it was a Gmail College humor Because you did it again like recently Like a year or two ago after we left

You responded to that thread I responded basically Like every four months for like Oh wow I do have it September it was Can we read through this Alright This is September 30th 2008

Which is nine years ago In honor of the Jewish New Year My mom sent me two cakes I put the first one in the kitchen Obama wasn't even elected yet Don't get me so excited Thinking about that time and place In honor of the Jewish New Year

My mom sent me two cakes I put the first one in the kitchen P.S. remember Jews first When we're done the rest of you may have our crumbs So that was the email saying That was very 2008 humor Classic Now I'm trying to find the responses

Because I think it was a different Jeff why don't you tell a joke while I look I think all like What am I saying The emails are just that no one responds to Are some of the funniest emails I'm in a thesis class right now And the TA

Sent this thing saying hey I'm selling some stuff That I had back when I was in 310 And so somebody 15 minutes later was like Somebody picked it up for like $25 Like Thanks a lot And then I replied all three hours later

And I was like $25 is petty cash I'll offer you like Like Check or something And then no one responded Not even in person Nope I found it

Did you feel more satisfied More satisfied That's a fun word Satisfied Like this case is closed and I'm unhappy Are you satisfied After OJ At least I don't have to think about it anymore

So the cake email Was actually sent In January My mom sent me a cake for my birthday Feel free to take a slice or two or three And then In January of what year? 2009

Yeah completely different Hey guys I don't know who sent the last email But it was not me I really really needed the whole cake Who ate some it was a gift I want to know who ate some of the cake Because it was a gift and I need the whole cake Then in February A month later I wrote

Hey guys it's been four weeks since I got the cake And nobody's fessed up My mom comes into town tomorrow Still eager to find out who is eating some Just to recap I want to know who ate some cake It was a gift and I need the whole thing Then I wrote an email In March a month ago

Or a month later Hey guys me again LOL for serious though It's been a month since my last Electromail about L cake Super quick recap Because I'm already wasting your guys time But the basic gist is my mom sent me a cake I want to know who ate some

So this is where I am on this Basically it's not a big deal They know where you are on this It's not a big deal It also is a big deal and don't say LOL But for serious A month later in April I write My mom sent me a cake on my birthday

And some of you ate the cake I really really really need not want To know who ate some of the cake Because the cake was a gift And then in huge block letters To those of you who thought the above Sentences were major TLDNR And I agree

I only wrote them because I wanted to know Who ate my cake Read the simple statement below Which is longer than that I don't give a shit about stuff like this Usually you guys know me But 3 months ago my mom sent me a cake For my birthday and some of you ate the cake

And I really really need not want But need to know who ate some of the cake The TLDNR is the same as the top I don't give a shit about anything You guys know that LOL Okay enough from this cake weirdo But if you ate the cake let me know

Because it was a LOL you get it It was a gift from my mom And I need to know who ate some of it Attaches a picture of me right now So you know it's me writing the email And it's like a very dark little LOL It's so sad

I should respond to this email now But I don't think this is sent to like CreativeAtCollegeHumor.com I think there was like more That you sent just to our personal G-mails at some point About the cake You can also I think reply on that thread

Two new emails That's true So just reply all and then add the emails Yeah Eight years later still thinking about the cake Alright It's time to take a break A break from cake

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What is that? What's the deal? Give me the quick 20-minute pitch The quick 20-minute pitch Start from the wait-top Got it, so you want me to end first Let's do the whole show Right now Jeffery the dumbass is one man's show

So what is it? It's a few months ago I came to Jake and Amir and I was like Maybe cool if we did a variety show And allowed the podcasters to have some kind of space Maybe at UCB They shot me down with flying colors

We were satisfied by that We sat quietly And then started barking at Jeff Until he left the room You also had shock collars on And as you were barking You were being electrocuted Which made it somehow, I guess, more intimidating

Yeah, stuff like that It's on September 27th It's like a variety show We're doing sketch And a bit show from All Fantasy Everything Sketches from Billy and Adam From No Joke and The Harvard Sailing Team And then a Jeffery the dumbass live type thing

That's Wednesday, September 27th At UCB Sunset 10.30pm Tickets available at Us3, Billy and Adam Ian Carmel And a couple of his buddies as well So it's gonna be a fun show

And the room isn't that big The artistic assistant got back to me I think we're at 48 out of 90 Holy shit Over 50% gone Before we even talked about it on this show So there's a chance they're already sold out Because I'm gonna blast

Vine Vine Street The Apple I'm gonna go to Hollywood and Vine and Busk Wearing a duster, hold up a boombox Say anything style And just play this clip From an MP3 player

That's on a USB drive Plugged into the back of the stereo Once this finishes I'm just gonna play NPR's all songs Considered But only the talking trash Cutting out every single song I had a pitch for a podcast

All thongs considered Huh? So it's just people waxing philosophical About their various sexual encounters So not having a lot to do with thongs Just like The sex part After the underwear is off

How is this unclear? You shouldn't ever say that in a pitch Don't ever react that way To a follow up question With a tight 20 pitch Seconds I made my point and you don't get it Just a simple pass

That's not a buying question either I'll tolerate buying questions You're poking holes in it Sign on the dotted line and then we'll talk No, yeah Just all thongs considered We are trying to get you to start a podcast I do hate that one

But if anybody has any ideas Tweet it Jeff Developed idea but the strongest In its core Sex sells Especially when it's very detailed Graphic and specific to the person's name So if I were to say

I'm Liza Minnelli Liza Minnelli, yeah She's my first She's your first what? She's your first? What do you mean your first? Oh I lost my virginity to Liza Minnelli Had I not told you that story It'll be funny to start with that

Whole quote before this episode starts So it'll be that line And then we'll get into the episode So I was catching an LA Phil concert at the Hollywood Bowl 2013 actually my first time in LA And she pegged me on stage Much to the stregrin Of the entire orchestra

Liza Minnelli Still alive Yeah Amazing And she is just as beautiful as the day you fucked her Which wasn't that long ago That's not saying a lot But at the same time it is still a compliment

It's not saying anything That's a funny thing to say to someone You have a one night stand You wake up in the morning And you stare at him or ask him You're just as beautiful as the day I fucked you That's kind of I guess like you could almost

The day I fucked you is not that nice But like you could argue That like meeting someone drunk And like hooking up with them And then seeing him in the morning And saying you look just as good sober That is a compliment Alright so actually say it then

Well It's just a little tip to lighten the mood I think it's also good to like Maybe and this you know You never want to like, so what I'll do is Like the morning after I'll take her out to brunch And then be like this is great We should do this again sometime

And then that's And then do you? And I don't even ghost though I'll set another date Don't show up That's ghosting I had work, it went late You are ghosting

But then you'll say let's get brunch So you'll never fuck them again but you'll always get brunch Yeah I turn it into a working relationship So Liza is a friend That's great, here's an idea for a podcast Pillow Talk with Jeffrey James And before each episode

You'll have sex with your guest And then the podcast is recorded in the afterglow Okay can Will Hines be the first guest? Yeah He's blowing you right now Yeah That's a teaser app that they're recording under the couch And then we'll do Kevin Hines

And then we'll do whoever is CEO of Hines Yeah I think it's John Kerry's wife Teresa Hines We'll get Teresa We'll get Teresa for sure Teresa May And then it'll be Teresa

Mother Teresa I hear Mother Teresa has a Actually very sorted past And she's not as good as people think Really? I haven't done any research but That's what I hear I just wanted to smear her name a little bit Through the mud

Why do you feel qualified to talk about things when you haven't researched that? I'm just saying You're always just saying I'm just speaking out like A microphone in the reach Like you have, shouldn't always just say Especially if it's slander against a saint And that's fair

Let's answer some other questions Do your own research on Teresa Maybe she's born with it Maybe she's Maybelline Whatever she did in her past You're worse Your present is Your present and your future

You're a piece of garbage man Gloves are coming off You've got 293 You have been wearing fingerless one This whole episode I wasn't going to bring it up Here's a good one Long distance relationship question from a man Named?

Sorrel Thought I was going to go with advanced Lance, Rance and Sorrel The three brothers Alvin, Simon, Thoril The three horsemen I imagine all three of these Horse voice

Really? Actually we do have a question about a horse voice Alright we'll answer that one next Alright I've been watching you guys since I was a little kid And now it's time to earn your keep by helping me out I met this girl online And we have been dating for six months

We've met around six and a half months ago And things are getting complicated First of all we live 1500 miles apart She's four years younger than me And she never picks up my calls I'm just going to complicate it It was all a dream in the beginning I used to read Word Up magazine

When she didn't pick up my fucking calls And then he continues We are very happy together but her wifi is terrible She doesn't have a phone and her laptop is as old as dinosaurs Who the fuck is this guy? We love each other very much But it's hard and never being able to talk to her I don't want to break up with her

And I would send her down a new laptop Or a phone and offer to pay the phone bill But her parents are very strict and she still lives at home I don't know what to do Please help Also she was in Hurricane Irma And I haven't heard from her in five days And when I ask her friends they haven't heard from her either

Should I be worried? She said she's four years younger It feels like this guy's 15 and she's 11 That's what I'm a little worried about No he's 44 and she's 40 That explains her bad wifi and slow laptop This sounds like an awesome relationship That's just sputtering a little bit

I want to tell him to power through We live 1500 miles away She's four years younger Doesn't pick up my calls Doesn't respond to my texts But I think that the problem is that her wifi doesn't go above 15 megs Also it sounds like she might be dead All of her friends haven't heard from her

Problem solved? Ish Why are you putting all your eggs in this basket? This 1600 mile away basket I want to say you can do better But after reading the CML I'm not quite sure that's the case I want to say that this is in a relationship

Doesn't respond to calls No they love each other Just because you never see or talk to somebody So they met six months ago right? What was the last time she responded? When was the last time she picked up the phone? Three months ago What is it?

They love each other Her wifi's bad Her cloud score I beg your pardon Her cloud I beg your charizard She's in Miami He's in I don't know Cleveland

Is that 1500 miles away? The land Windians baby 22 Longest consecutive win streak Soon to be longest consecutive consecutive thong streak Well by the time this comes out

they might have lost already They're playing To that I say no chance I heard if you bet 100 dollars on their first win and let the winnings ride every game you'd have like 6 or 7 million dollars by now

You're goddamn right And I am in the market So if you guys have any tips Jeff's the only bookie that'll take bets on previous games And hedge them to you And you've never won You've said you promise not to look

It's about releasing yourself from the outcome I guess Alright don't be with her She's far away and doesn't know you Doesn't respect you Doesn't answer your calls Doesn't have internet Also and you know what this might be a hot tick

But don't date people that are in hurricane zones Florida The entire eastern seaboard Bringing it back to Lance He was from South Carolina Don't date Lance So you think you should only be You're only dateable if you're like

Kentucky West Or if you're not You've seen the movie Francis Ha Got it That's what we would have said Actually I have seen that movie I'm dateable I would date Gerwig

That fucking heartbeat He's a celebrity of course Which is why I'm pitching the sequel Francis Ha It's me and Gerwig Francis Ha It's a crashing type story Where she's trying to become a stand up

In New York City Alright last question This one comes from a lady I want you to name her And it could be anything you want So we got Lance We got Sorrel Let's go with Marfa

It's like Martha But with like a little bit of a Well it sounds like a lot of a It's like a little bit of a Like you know instead of Martha it's Marfa Yeah I know It's like Prada Marfa Yeah installation in Marfa Texas

We should do the podcast Festival in Marfa I don't think there is one I'm in quite a sticky situation I have a co-worker who keeps Clearing his throat every minute He was sitting behind me So I could still block

Much like the phlegm Blocking his throat His annoying noise with my music But we rearranged our seats and now I'm sitting next to him How can I say that his noise is kind of annoying Can I ask the HR to be assigned somewhere else Help me please It's driving me crazy

Love Marfa I feel this Do you have any noises that you hate? Yeah I live on the same street as a fire I was talking to Jake You asked You looked different

I hate fire truck That's cool Alright this is the end of our episode Thanks for listening I'm unique Sorry what was that? It was the bread answer You get to eat bread on the podcast

I'd like to take this I'd like to take this opportunity to plug bread lounge Oh why? It's the best lunch spot in Los Angeles It's so bad It's quite average The pomegranate Beat salad

I emailed bread lounge in Mary three months ago You asked to be the bread ambassador The brand ambassador I made a pitch Nary a response I've been following up every two weeks Following up every two weeks

Every two weeks Do they have a Twitter? They do Have you tried tweeting at them? I don't have the cloud I feel like people don't I want them to think that I'm bigger than I am To be a bread ambassador

They haven't tweeted in a year and a half That's the other thing Are they on the social media presence? Because I could be the social media manager I don't want that This is you talking to a clerk Anyway did you want a panini or not? Yeah I'll have the cheesy affair

and a snapple Also I made I made a vision board There's just a long line of customers I want to get a Rolex by the end of the year Hopefully from profits of being a bread ambassador

What is your least favorite noise? The noise you hate The silence of not receiving an email notification from bread lounge to be the official bread ambassador What a specific reference I live on the same street as a fire station It'll drive down

my very residential street and have the sirens on because they're about to go to Vermont which is a bigger street You don't have to honk It's the honking that pisses me off I'm like shut up I do hate honking

Also any truck accelerating pisses me off What do you mean truck? A big truck when it's accelerating it's obviously having to pull up so much weight but you can hear the strain on the engine Also when we're shooting videos this is a bad street to shoot on Yeah it pisses me off

Yeah I don't like when children cry because that makes me a nice sensitive guy and you just know Actually what you said makes you an awful person No no I like to make them happy No that's not it

Every time I hear a fucking Shut that baby off This is a fucking bus I don't want to hear that I don't like them smiling or laughing either I got on the bus to clear my mind Sometimes it depends on your mood

Sometimes all noises are fine and sometimes they all suck You don't like the noise of that door over here What door? The squeaky door to get out from the door You just reacted I don't like the sound of metal But that's not just like a

feeling No but when somebody else does it you're like don't open the door that way That's a noise thing It's a high pitched I can feel it in my skin The scrape Do you guys hate the chewing thing?

A lot of people don't like the chewing Hearing someone chew on a sandwich Wet bread I don't mind chewing Especially if it's a sandwich from bread lounge I think this lady should talk to HR That's like a no brainer

This is what HR is there for This thing is like half this guy's fault He can almost be like He can't control it So you don't want to You just clearly shouldn't sit next to this guy Or be like really passive aggressive Just bring him throat coat tea

Put it on his desk and slam it down Hals Zyrtec Prescription pills with the label taken off Benaka Boklava It's like a Ukrainian dish Baklava

What about Benaklava So it's a spray If that's all you got I'm going to cut out early I was just getting started with the idea That's why I think the podcast is over But you guys want to talk about Benaklava

You spray What if it's Benaklava and you're just looking at Baklava Baklava through binoculars So it's like binocular What if it's so hot? Baklava is like lava So you're talking about binocular lava

Benaklava Or you bring your own chocolate lava cake to Kava Oh that's good A choco lava to Kava Benaklava A choco taco for a guy named Rocco Does this have anything to do with the Benaklava

No but I did have a pitch for a vampire weekend song Inocuous binoculars Very nice And how would it go Dun dun dun dun dun dun Dun dun dun dun dun Dun dun dun dun dun Dun dun dun dun dun

Dun dun dun dun Dun dun dun dun Dun dun dun dun Enough Right? Wow Leave the songwriting to K-Nig And Batman Glitch Who?

The two songwriters for the god damn band Vampire and weekend Batman Glitch Yeah Insane that that's his last name You also almost went into the song that's like Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun Yeah you want a sample

Insane A little circus sample I don't appreciate the thought or the attempt Alright we'll talk to HR See for effort That's a good name for a band too See for effort or talk to HR Or talk to HR is the advice

idea. And I think that's everything. Yeah. Ciao. We'll be in it all. If you got your own questions, your own theme song submission, send it all to ifirishow at gmail.com. The opening one was written by Melissa. This closing one is a nirvana parody.

Oh, let me look up who it is. That's what's up. And in the meantime, while you're looking that up, if you can't get enough of the three of us, subscribe to the Head Gum YouTube. Absolutely. Subscribe. That's a good one.

Yeah, we've been doing some fun stuff. We've introduced a new character. We have Jeffrey the Dumbass, and now we have Man George. I don't know why or how, but we have. Can I ask you guys this? Were you like being in, like, I don't know, like my age? Did you ever think that at your age, at this point, you'd be doing videos with two people whose characters' names

are Jeffrey the Dumbass and Man George? Jeffrey the Dumbass, yeah, I couldn't have ever imagined Man George. Yeah. But I have diaries. I still can't believe I'm doing videos with Man George. I mean, what an honor, a thrill. Just a little tricky boy.

I'm reading my old Zanga, and it references Jeffrey the Dumbass ad nauseam, but it never even, in his wildest dreams, this 18-year-old talking about Man George. I can't imagine. Here we are. Thank you for bringing us there. Oh, and UCB show, just, yeah, September 27th.

Come check us at the UCB. Closing theme song, The Nirvana Parody, is written by Joe Kim from Germany. So thanks, Joe Kim. Thanks, Melissa. Joe Kim Noah from Germany? The German Nirvana cover band is going to be fucking dope. It's an acoustic slight version, so forget it.

Is it your expectations to chill? I just still think if Grohl could be his drummer, that would be making like a really cool band. Yeah, no, it's not. But like, yeah, this guy. Jeff, thanks for coming back on the show. Yeah, I appreciate it, Amir. Let's make it four and a half next time.

You would be. Awesome. Cool. See ya. Your life is so unfair Your suffering has no end You wish that you could share Your problems with a friend

This might be a surprise Please open up your eyes And see you're not alone If I were you, the show Amir and Jake They never lost control Your face to face With if I were you, the show