If I Were You - 294: Drunk Texting

Episode Date: September 25, 2017

In this episode we discuss pajamas, will power, and living with your ex.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. This is a headgum podcast. This is a headgum podcast. Whoa, dude, that was a real band. We grinded with each other during that. We listened to it twice in the studio. Second time grinding on each other. We ground.

That was an LA-based band. Fans of the podcast. No shit. Yeah, you know who it was? It was Coastmodern. We've got cool fans, baby. It's an LA-based alt-rock band. You know how things can be postmodern?

Yeah. They're Coastmodern. Huh? They're huge fans of the show, and now I guess we're huge fans of theirs. That's dope. Their debut album just dropped, and they're on tour right now. Their Instagram handle is great. You can hear it and see it all at Coastmodernmusic.com.

At Coastmodernmusic.com. Yeah, so it's like- On the gram. I love the gram. I love the gram. I love the gram. I love the gram. I love the gram.

I am a lot of gram, actually. Really? I really am a lot of gram. I like the name Coastmodern. Yeah. It's LA chic. And actually, I am too. That's true.

That's why I thought of the name. You don't look like you're from LA. Where would you guess I'm from? Yeah, I was thinking- And what would you guess my name is? So you're a complete stranger to me. I walk up to you and I say- I think your name is from Britsio.

And you're from Baton Rouge, Louisiana. And not Louisiana. Yeah, Baton Rouge, Texas. I guess you look like you could be from- I got a good one. Probably Seattle. Wow, really? Hipster.

Yeah. I got a good one for you. Yeah. Sam. From Philadelphia. Sam from Philadelphia? I think you look a little bit too- I'm not like hard-nosed enough to be from Philly.

Yeah. You look a little more European than Philadelphia. I guess when I think of Philadelphia, I'm thinking like a white guy with a goatee. Oh, that's good. Oh, how about this? Sam from Phoenix. Because I'm like white and boring a little bit. I also don't think you're Sam.

Oh, really? You're Dan from Tallahassee. Dan from Florida? No. I guess you could look like- This is the weirdest segment of any show. You look like a Simon. Quiet Simon.

You look like a Simon from Grand Rapids. Wow. There's no way I can handle the cold weather. Beedoo bee bee. Beedoo bee bee. I think I look like a Jake, but I think I look like I'm from Maine. Oh, yeah. I can see Maine.

Portland, Maine. Yeah. You look like your Leonard Lamar Bean from Maine, Oregon. All right. Drop it. I was kidding, dude. Yeah. Well.

Like your name would be LL Bean is the joke. Yeah. And it's better from Portland, Oregon. You're from Maine, Oregon. It'd be funny if you said it about anybody but me. What? That's the worst part. I think it's a great joke, but it's things that you said about me.

So you have really thin skin. I don't have skin. You can't joke about it. I'm raw. I'm an exposed nerve. And I am sensitive as such. I even hear the word you directed at me. I start weeping.

That actually reminds me of how you went to my childhood dentist the other day. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And they exposed some nerves of your own. They told me I have a receding gum line. You think a receding hairline is bad? A receding gum line. At least that one I can comb over with my lips.

A little comb that you brush one side of your enamel to the other to help your receding gum line. So what does that mean? Your gums are just getting lower and lower and your teeth are getting bigger and bigger? Yeah. And how do they counteract that? Well, you can't really reverse the gum you've already lost. Really?

That's beautiful. So, well, you can get a gum graft. Of course. Obviously. And I will be getting a mark gum graft. It's when you get a little tiny, they make an incision in your anus. Yeah. Because it's oddly the same skin.

It's the same kind of tissue. Yeah. So they put a little nerve from your ass into your face. The anus and the gum is the same. And anus graft. Yeah. It's the same shade of pink. Nothing else matches up.

It's this weird evolutionary coincidence that Darwin discovered. Yeah. That your gum grafts were possible. Uh-huh. He knew that. He studied the anus of a penguin. That's right. Yeah.

And the Galapagos. And he noticed the... He tossed a penguin salad. Salad. Yeah. And it was like the exact same shade. Because his assistant said, I don't know where your gum begins and that puffins asshole ends. And that was when he realized that we should get anus graft.

Yeah. And then science caught up eventually. Survival of the fascist. They were very excited that I had a water pick. Yeah. I got you a water pick for your birthday. But they also said that because I hadn't been to the dentist or flossed correctly in a long time that there was a lot of like hardened... There was just like a lot of shit there that like the water pick probably wasn't doing a...

Doing its job. Hard and plaque. Yeah. But now that that's gone, the water pick is... I already noticed a world of difference. Really? I don't bleed anymore when I use it. Great.

Flossing doesn't hurt anymore. Do you go brush, floss, water pick or what order? I go floss, brush, water pick. Oh floss first. Yeah. Because I feel like I get the big chunks out there. Yeah. With the frost.

Like I floss then I rinse. Yeah. And then I go brush, rinse. And then I get... Then I water pick. And then... To get all the little stuff. It's crazy how you can floss.

Get a ton of shit out of your teeth. And then you brush. More shit. More shit. And then you've... Got the water pick. So the one thing... Get even more shit.

One thing I wouldn't do, because you told me that after all that, you do a little chubby bunny challenge with Oreos. Yeah. So what you're doing, I feel like you're cleaning your teeth really, really well. And then what you're doing is stuffing your mouth with the Oreos. With Oreos. Yeah. And the crumbs.

And the crumbs get stuck. I'm gonna let you finish. But I follow up by drinking a lot of milk, which is white, which coats the teeth. Right. And then you go to bed and it's almost like some sort of like experiment where you're dropping a tooth in Coca-Cola. I sleep on a sheet of brownies as well. That's all that stuff.

It's probably no good for it. I love the Floss Brush Water Pick Combo. But it's the sleeping in sugar part that's probably not as good for you. Totally. Yeah. That makes a lot of sense. Anyway, this isn't just a teeth advice podcast. This is a general advice podcast.

It's called If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by me. Who are you? I'm Sam from Tallahassee, Florida. And that's Jake. And we are... From Portland, Maine. This is the first podcast we're recording in the Jewish year of 5778. What a time to be alive.

Year of our Jewish Lord. The year of our Lord, the pop singer. Very good. Yeah. I like that. Yeah. I hate for it to be a backhanded insult at me or something, was it? No way.

What are you talking about? That's just I ask Vince. Yes. So you're just saying something about Lord? This is making a weird joke that imagine like, no, which is fine, even if you had. If I had what? Oh my God. You're so defensive.

I'm crying a little bit. Yeah. Holy shit. You must not think anything of yourself. I really don't. Every interview is exposed. Oh yeah. All right.

This is a guy who, let's name him Bryce. Okay. Bryce writes, Bryce writes, when I go to bed, I usually wear the boxers and t-shirt I wore during that day. My girlfriend, my girlfriends reckon that's fucked up. She says I should have a special night shirt and it's weird for me to wear the same shirt I wore during the day. I prefer to just use a normal system I have in place all my days.

She's peer-pressuring me about it. She says I'm a freak for this. What do you reckon? Thanks, love Bryce from New Zealand. I think I sort of do this. I don't sleep in a shirt, but I sleep in my me undies. Shut up. So you don't have a special nighttime wardrobe and a daytime wardrobe?

I guess I have, I'm an afternoon shower. Oh really? Yeah. Shower pre-dinner. Yeah. Sometimes post-dinner, but yeah, because I go to the gym usually at the end of the day. So I show them when I go.

So I show them when I go. Shower then dinner. So you are wearing a fresh set of clothes? I guess they are fresh. Yeah. But I mean on days when I don't shower there's some days that I don't go to bed, or when you go to bed in the clothes you wore during the day. Yeah, but I just wear the underwear that I wore during the day.

Yeah. I guess a good way to solve this though is you could just buy a pair of like bed time jammy pants. Yeah, jammy pants, no shirt. What are you going to wear? What about the full jammies? The fucking shirt, the pajama pants, the silk robe, the slippers, the night cap. A night cap.

A night hat. A night hat. That's good. Eye mask, ear muffs. Mouth guard. Yeah. Airplane pillow. I guess, I mean I can't imagine sleeping in a shirt.

What are you sleeping? You sleep in pajama pants. I do this exact same thing. I do, like in the summertime I just take my pants off and fall asleep in the shirt that I wore with the underwear that I wore. You sleep in a shirt every night? Yeah, I sleep in a shirt. Not even every night.

Sometimes I don't sleep in a shirt, but most of the times I do. I wear the shirt that I wear all day. Right. I think that's fine. Then I wake up, continue to wear that shirt, go home, run, sweat, go to bed, wet, sweat, dirt. Take a shower in the shirt. Fall asleep in the bathtub.

You get used to it so threadbare. Wake up, fall asleep under the sink. It's cold. I'm scared. I'm wondering where I am. I get up. I eat a sandal. I go to school.

School. I eat a waffle. So a matter of fact, you said you sleep in the sink and you eat sandals? I wash my shirt. I wash my face. I brush my tooth. I go to bed. I'm still in the shirt.

I'm wearing me undies, of course. But where's the bed under the sink? I mean, look, I sleep wearing the same clothes. I wore. This is what Obama does for a year and a half. Presidency? Yeah. He's just fucking going nuts.

I eat a sandal. I'm insane. All right. I'm absolutely crazy, but I can be, and that's all right, too. I think she's peer pressuring you. Maybe I would say you're not a freak for this, but I also would be like, all right, fine, I'll wear a fucking sleep shirt. All right.

I'll wear no shirt. I guess it's one of those things where it's weird that you guys are arguing about it, that either of you would take such a firm position. Yeah. Have you ever slept naked? Yeah. I mean, I spend a lot of the time sleeping naked, but I don't really sleep naked anymore because I like to have my junk tucked.

That's a good tuck junk. Back when I wore boxers, I would sleep naked, but now that I wear briefs, I like the tightness of it. What you can do is you can sleep naked, you can tie a little rubber band around your dick and then, well, you tie the rubber band around your dick and then you sort of break open another rubber band, right? So it's like a rubber string and then the rubber band is taut around your shaft and then you tie the rubber string to the rubber ring, basically.

I know it sounds silly because it rhymes, and then you tie the other side of the string to your tooth. So it goes from your shaft and then up your back and around your head and then you tie it to your tooth. So it's like really, really... Also, your dick is tucked really tight between your... Yeah, almost to the point that you're fucking your own ass. What?

Dude. That's your advice for this guy. What? I said to get jammy shorts or something. And you say that he should tie one rubber band around his shaft, break open another rubber band and tie that one around the first rubber band, pull it taut through his ass cheeks up around his head, over his hair, and then tie the other end onto his teeth or tooth. So that's like two different ways you can go about it.

I just want to give this kid options because he left me with no options. You've heard jokes about, oh, this guy can suck his own dick, oh, this guy can do whatever to himself, but you never hear about fucking your own ass. Have you ever heard or even thought about fucking your own ass? I never thought about it. And that's much more doable. Is it? Yeah.

It's kind of hard to stick your soft, fleshy tip into your anus, and it's hard to stick your hard tip into your anus because it won't bend. It would have to be a soft, long peen. But I feel like I never even thought about it, let alone seen it. Google it. Can you fuck your own ass? If I do, can you fuck your own, what do you think the Google autofill is? Cousin.

Oh, that's really good. I'm not even seeing an autofill. Maybe can you fuck? Oh yeah, when you start writing fuck, I think they don't do like photographic autofills. Can you fuck your own face? Can you go fuck yourself? Can you? Oh, self fuck, come inside my own ass.

Oh, and that's just the name of the blog. That's just a wiki how. That is a Yahoo answer saying, can I do this, how? All right, we'll do some more research and get back to you guys. Get your, get your dicks out of your ass. Tyler. Oh, come on, Tyler. Get your dick out of your ass.

I get your dick out of your ass. All right, let's call this guy Rice. Ooh. Rice writes, I'm a 19 year old student from Melbourne, Straya, represent. OK, New Zealand to Straya, let's do it. Last week, I dumped my girlfriend of two years and have been enjoying the single life a lot, but the problem is I can't hook up at my house because I still live with her. Oh, in the two times I've been with someone since I had to either go to their house or

do the deed in my car, ha, the problem is that I would rather that they just come to my house as I live in a share house with a bunch of 18 to 20 year olds. And most people my age are in the area still live with their parents, which makes going to their place awkward as hell. How can I bring people home and not upset my ex? Cheers. Get you a guy who can do both. Can I not piss off my ex when I fuck someone else in front of her?

Yeah, I think you have two options, either you don't piss her off or you do. Yeah, I don't think you can convince her not to care. There's not a chill way. I mean, well, the only, especially because you dumped her last week of two years. Now you're wondering how to not make her mad that you're fucking in front of her. Yeah. Obviously, that's not good. I mean, you should be worried even about the fucking people in the car.

It'll be sad if she finds that out. She noticed it. It is weird to, even if you were broken up with, sorry, even if you break up with someone, you don't want to see them have sex with anybody, but in theory, you're like completely over that person. You're saying, I don't want to be in a relationship with you. Yeah. But it's still hard to imagine it, let alone see it.

It is. It's weird. I've been with people and gone out and immediately fucked other people, and then weeks later heard that my ex was dating somebody, and I'd be like, she moved on so quick. How did she do that? How quickly you forget. Me. We were in love.

We were in love, mother. So I get, but that doesn't mean it's the right thing to do. I think you got to just keep on doing this on the low. Don't bring people through until she does, and then you know the floodgates are open. Still living with someone you broke up with. Have you ever done that? When I was, in my younger years, I did, when I got older, I learned my lesson that when you break up, you immediately move out.

Yeah. Whether you can afford it or not, you crash on a couch, you sleep in a car, you sleep in a street. You have other places to sleep. You go find that. You need to live. I've done the Friends Couches. I've done the Airbnb.

I've done the go home for a week, get out of town for a little bit, do that, get out. The worst thing is to break up with someone and have to see them, let alone have to live with them, seeing them, you hanging out with other people. You in to fight them. I feel like the way so many couples, you want to make up with somebody, and the way so many people do that is by fucking, so you use like, it's a slippery slope to starting to have sex with your ex again, then getting back together, and then, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. No good has come out.

It sounds like he doesn't live straight up with the ex, he lives in like a shared house with the ex and others. Yeah. That's why it's tougher to move out. But you still can. I wonder if that could be an American thing, like a non-collegiate dorm. Is that legal? Is that lethal?

If I just buy an old abandoned dorm and rented it out for 800 a month, all you have is a room, and a communal bathroom. People do that. There's like the fucktowers in Santa Barbara. What is that? But those are related to the school. I want like that. No, I think FT is related, it's like mostly kids that go to the community college.

But it's related to a school. I want like 22-year-olds who have graduated college to live in this weird dorm that I'm building. Oh, so you don't even want students. So I build a dorm in like Los Feliz, and it's not even students, it's just dormitory housing. I guess dorm housing is definitely a thing. Where you don't have a bathroom.

You just have a room. Right. I mean, it's just a shitty living situation. Yeah. You're not. There's plenty of shitty living situations like that. Where you don't even have a bathroom? Yeah.

I mean, there's apartments with shared bathrooms. Really? Yeah. Apartments with shared bathrooms. I gotta find that. I want in. So it sucks so much. You're like, you're aspiring to be some kind of slumlord.

Yeah. Yeah, I guess you can say that I am. I am a slumlord. I resent you. And I am a glumlord. It actually brings back to the glumlord, the pop musician lord. Do you remember you can never be royals? I can't.

What's that supposed to mean? I'm just, I can't ever be a royal. What? Like I'll never play for the Kansas City Royals. That's not what I meant, but no, you can't ever play for the Kansas City Royals. Are you crazy? Yeah. You're in no way.

Like you don't think I'm good enough at baseball to play for the Kansas City Royals? Yeah. No, you're not good enough at baseball to play for a company softball team. All right. Let alone a fucking professional. Let alone the major league. That smarts a little bit. It pisses me right off.

It shouldn't do that either. That's another reason you can't play baseball, because you're so easily offended. People goofing around in the locker room. What if someone like pushes you, takes your soap, does like a little snap. I'll kill myself and call him out in the suicide note. If someone snapped a towel at my ass, I would take the towel, hang myself, and go right on the towel. This is because Bryce Howard did it.

Bryce Dallas Howard? Is Bryce Dallas Howard? Wait, that's an actress, isn't it? Yeah. It's the girl from... Who's a baseball player? Bryce Harper. Bryce Harper.

Yeah, that's right. Yeah. This is another reason I can't play baseball. You don't know who Bryce Howard is. All right. Let's take a break. It's Dallas Harper. Let's come back and we'll answer some more questions.

Actually, we have a question about pranks. Nice. This will fit. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation, talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place and it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist, especially one in your area.

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This is done entirely online, but you're still getting professional licensed help and it's extra affordable. That's betterhelp.com. If I were you, check them out. Thanks, BetterHelp. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Wow. Years and years and years we've been ranting and raving about Squarespace because it's

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Everything looks good. Let's launch it. Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you. Squarespace. Right in. We're turned. We have a random show at Boise State University.

Do you know the date of that Boise State show? I've never been to Idaho, so this is going to be an exciting one. When is it? October? October 12th. Thursday? October 12th? Thursday, October 12th.

I've also never been to Idaho. We've never been to Idaho. Yeah. Does that mean the next day is Friday the 13th? October. Oh yeah. Yeah. It's Thursday, October 12th at Boise State.

I don't even know where it is in Boise State, but hopefully. I do know that it's free for students and it's either like five or $10 tickets for the general public, which is great because a lot of the time when we do college shows, it's only for students. Yeah. But now anybody, any old dumbass from Idaho. Yeah. You walk in with a potato.

You'd be like, can I have a ticket? I have a potato from Idaho. I'm serious. They do shit so ass backwards. I've never been, but we can only assume. I mean, this is how we do it on the coast. You do sweet potatoes. Yeah, like a yam.

A yam. That's fine. And two yams is a ticket. What a fucking Yukon gold. What is that? What is that? An Idaho Russert? Primony.

Anyway, we'll see you soon, Boise. You're trying to figure out if you want to leave back to New York on Friday, your options are to leave at 6 a.m. or noon. Yeah. This is the interesting thing about flying to Boise. There aren't a lot of direct flights. One thing we are considering is flying an unknown airline to us called Allegiant Air. That's right.

For the most part, the tickets are $200. For some reason, there's a little airline called Allegiant where the ticket is $55. And all the other flights are multi-stop. This one is a direct flight from LAX to Boise. They fly twice a week on Allegiant Air and it's roughly $55. And the reason it's so cheap, I think, is because it's a website that steals your money. So many one-star reviews on Yelp. It's hard to average one-star on Yelp.

But look at Delta's Yelp. Even airlines are just always unpopular. Right. But Allegiant Air has 350 reviews on Yelp and the average is 1.5, which means the majority of people gave it a 1. A few people gave it a 3 or a 4. Read me a one-star. I want to start off by saying beware of this airline.

The trip was booked a year in advance. Despite the overall negative reviews, I decided to give Allegiant Air a chance since I'm a low-maintenance passenger who just has to get from point A to point B. However, the day I'm supposed to fly out, the flight is delayed for five and a half hours. Allegiant emailed me two vouchers worth $50. Needless to say, these are useless. I thought this airline was... Not useless.

They could get you that Boise. My flight to Albuquerque got delayed six times, seven hours, and waiting. They gave me a $50 voucher. They charged for water. I will never use this airline again. It seems like so disappointed in this airline. Read me a four-star review. Honestly, cannot...

Oh, here's one. Here's a five-star review, which basically allowed to offset 21-star reviews to bring it up to a 1.5. This is a budget airline for sure. Second-hand airplanes. The staff didn't have uniforms. The staff didn't have uniforms. Just this guy in a T-shirt would be like, sorry, you want like water?

Water's five bucks. Who are you? I'm Chad. Who do you know on the plane? I'm a flight attendant. But everything was clean and on time. I don't know why there's so many negative reviews. This isn't Qatar Airlines or something.

I don't know. Qatar was famous for having a bad one. What was the pronounce? Qatar. Tip. Pay a little extra for priority boarding and get seated up front. It will still be cheaper than other flights, but it's like first class with all that leg room.

Oh. I want to shoot... How many miles do you have on Allegiant Air? What's your status? Oh, yeah. I think I'm a... You're an Allegiant Admiral. They have different...

You know, some airlines have like gold medallion, silver medallion, platinum diamond status. There's just all different shades of brown. Oh, okay. So I'm a shit brown with Allegiant. Now boarding tan. Shit staying. Here we go. This is a good one-star review.

Flight delayed by two hours. Plane is incredibly dirty. Seats do not recline. Water is $2. Carry-on bag charge is $15. Interior is very cheap. Seats have a thin layer of fabric covered by a molded plastic back. Never flying again.

I think we're still considering it. Yeah. One, because it's direct too, because it's a third of the price of other airlines. I think I'm mostly considering it because it's like a funny adventure. Yeah. Like if it's bad, it'll be funny. Yeah. It's sort of like the reason you go and try the mac and cheese Cheeto Puff Balls at Burger

King or the... What was that? The double down at KFC? Oh, where it's fried chicken instead of bread. Yeah. Yeah. So it's like, it's sort of like that. I'm like, oh, I know this is going to be awful, but maybe it'll be so bad that it's funny.

Also it's almost fate that they fly twice a week and one of them is on the day we have to get there. Yeah. Also, if we don't arrive, know that Allegiant either delayed our flight until cancellation or crashed. I guess that's probably the biggest issue is that like, Allegiant seems to be very unreliable and if we don't, and if that one doesn't take off, there's no other way. No.

Yeah. Allegiant is mostly buses and sometimes they buy a used 747 in a Boeing police auction. So I guess, but I guess you could say that like, if we don't make it, it's Allegiant's fault, but it's definitely our fault that we would buy this ticket. Flying Allegiant. Oh, here's a good one. Be prepared to be stuck on a runway way past your departure time. Flight attendants were the least friendly.

Flight attendants are old, plane is dirty, and then the delay was so long, I watched this moth being born have a steady life, do moth things, and then die in my seat. There's a little moth stuck to the outside of the plane. Jesus. Why are, why are those beautiful? Why are the flight attendants rude on bad airlines? Like as if, like you don't have to be meaner because people are getting paid less, right? I guess you would just have like a general, worse quality of life because you fly the

shitty plane all the time and they don't pay you well, they didn't even get your uniform. So you're just like generally depressed and you're meaner to people and people on that airline are probably upset, so they're meaner to the flight attendants. It feels like the kind of thing where like, it's just a contentious environment to begin with. And these, this is a very, it's a, yeah, it's a tough, Yelp reviews are kind of tough because like no one's leaving a three star or no one said, all right, that was fine. What we need to do is like, wait for an alleged airline flight to land somewhere and then

pull everybody that's getting off. How was that? Right. Then I think, I think we're up to two, two and a half stars. Yeah. At the very least. How about just both take different airlines? Like I'll take, I'll take a nice Delta flight with a stop in Seattle.

Uh-huh. Ain't nothing wrong with that. I love the Seattle airport. And then you take a legion and we'll compare. And if you ever want to see what 350 angry people sound like, go to Allegiant Air's Yelp page. I can't believe 38 people gave this a four star review. I will never fly this airline again.

Yes, it's cheap, but my neck still hurts two days later. I do. I like this idea. I think we should do a social experience and I take, I take the big airline, you take the small one. I end up being mad. I just land a lot. I thought we'll both have a shitty experience.

I was going to say we should both take Allegiant and then leave a Yelp review regardless of how fine it was because I bet nobody's leaving a three star review. Right. I want to know the psychology belief, uh, that leads somebody to leave a three star review on Yelp anyway. Like that one was, all right, I'm going to leave a review. One bad thing happened. Yeah.

The flight attendant was mean, but the, but it was on time. I'll let everybody know. Seats were uncomfortable. I have to not complain or praise. I'm just going to let people know I took this flight and it was fine. I had a fine day. Uh, all right, let's get back to these questions. We got one.

Oh yeah. The prank that I wanted to talk about, um, all right, we'll call this person Dallas because he's cool. Nice. Dallas writes, uh, your podcast is pretty freaking good. Now help me. Good start. Uh, I live in a suite with eight other guys.

We are all pretty close and hung out a lot last year at uni and decided to room together in a suite. Last year we would always pull pranks on each other and it was all in good fun. However, I slowed the pranking down as I thought it was getting to be annoying. The pranking ceased towards the end of last year and I was hoping it would not rekindle. Boy was I wrong. Last night I came back to my room around 12 30 AM to find all my shit had been hidden around the room like a scavenger hunt.

Clothes in the closet were hanging from piping on the ceiling. My books were distributed across my bed under my sheets and my backpack was shoved into the mini fridge. Normally, I'd have been only a little bothered by this. However, due to my increasing dislike towards the pranks and my bad overall day, I went full out roid rage. I grabbed our microwaves, smashed it on the floor, punched a hole through the closet, and flipped my roommate's bed.

In this process, I also broke my hand like an idiot. Obviously, the situation is awkward now because I have such a violent reaction to their stupid prank. My question is, how do I make it less awkward? How do I explain it to them that I'm not mad, but just got caught up in a moment? Am I a bitch for not being able to shrug off a stupid prank? Last year we pulled way worse pranks. One time we put all of our friends shit and condoms in his shampoo.

Pencils, even his pillow and blankets were shoved into Trojan Magnums and he just laughed it off. Jesus, what a... Putting his clothes into condoms, that sucks. What was the prank that set him off? They hung his clothes from piping on the ceiling and they put his fridge or they put his backpack into his fridge. You did so much worse damage as not a prank.

Last year it was funny. I put all my friends clothes in a fucking condom. This year you put my freaking bag in a cool box. You ruined my backpack. He breaks the microwave, punches a wall, flips a bed. That's not... It's not supposed to go in the refrigerator. That's not an adequate reaction at all, especially to a pranker.

He broke his hand. I think your friends would give you a break because he broke your hand. That's instant karma. I guess you have to just start making jokes about how you're insane and how you're crazy. You got to make jokes, then they'll start teasing you. The problem is you always want to prank the guy with the craziest reaction because they want to see what you do next. Next time this happens, you can't punch a closet.

We're begging you regardless of even if they put two backpacks in your refrigerator. I don't care if the straps are ice cold. You cannot flip a bed. You have to stay strong. Don't punch a hole in the wall, buddy. Didn't you punch a fucking wall once in a fight? Not really a fight. Well, it was an argument where I got so heated that I thought I would prove a point by punching

a hole in the wall. Do you remember what you said when you punched it? I said, God damn it, punch the wall, hit a stud, and I broke my hand. You broke what part? They call it boxer's fracture, actually, because it's when people punch it, but sort of a bone in my knuckle. Did you know you broke it instantly? Yeah.

Oh, fuck! It killed the argument. I punched the wall. Well, it was like arguing with my girlfriend. Really bad luck to punch a wall during that, and she was like, I'm out of here, and I was like, you can't leave. We have to go to the emergency room. My pinky really hurts, baby.

I know we're fighting, but you have to take me to the hospital quick. I'm scared, baby. The bad fight. We just sat in the emergency room crying together for the next five hours in Brooklyn, like an intern tried to reset my bone, couldn't do it. Did you say that was one of the worst days of your life? It was up there. Top bottom 10?

Yeah, I guess so. It was really bad, but then I had sex the next day, and it was like the best sex I'd ever had. It was the worst day. It was pent up. Yeah. There was like a lot of tension. Of course.

What were the yelling, the fighting, the crying, the breaking? The thinking we were broken up. I was at an all-time low, then we had sex, and I was like, I'm a king again. My arm covered its gauze. You fist pump up and hit the ceiling, break your other hand. Still on the painkiller drugs, too. That's what it was. Yeah.

It was the bike. There was that one. I've had a couple of hangovers that were all-time low, too. Back in Mikkelterana, when you were about to get into a car and you started puking outside and you're like, I can't go to a food place you eat without me. That was one of the worst hangovers. I think maybe a worse day, even than that, was in Miami when that hangover was so bad. The worst is when you're hungover and it's really hot out.

You never want to be hot in a hot, bright, humid place. You have something to do. We had to shoot that day and fly home. Last question, this one's about drunk dialing. It's from a lady. Cool. That's right. Lady's drunk dial, too.

Let's call her Frize. It's been the worst names ever. Frize, R-I-C-D-A-L-I-S-E-N-F-E-R-Y-C-I-E. You're hurting my fucking ears. All right. A lady in sophomore college and I'm a serial drunk texter. I used to be kind of cute when I was calling people and I actually involved with and saying cute or funny things.

But now I'm calling people from deep dark past and saying wild stuff. My sober self genuinely doesn't care all that much about those people and I think I might be horny or looking for validation, something else I should probably work on, Jesus. But anyway, do you have any simple tips on how to control this bad habit? I would give my phone to a friend but I'm also a drunk wanderer and I need my phone with me or I'd be lost all night. Really I need to work on being less of a shithead while shit-faced. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

The show is fantastic and Jeffrey is a babe. You should tell Jeff about that. That he's a babe? Yeah, maybe we'll give him, we'll give her his number and she can drunk text him. That's so fucked up you. Do you suffer or did you suffer from drunk texting? Yeah, I mean I like went through phases, I still do. Doing it serially, that's tough.

Were you ever a drunk dialer before the ages of text? Yeah, when I first started drinking in college I would like drunk dial everybody I knew. I thought it was the funniest thing in the world. Just to have fun, not to look up. Oh yeah, like my friends back home, my sisters, my brother, I even remember telling people who were about to go out and like, oh don't forget to drunk dial me. My friends, when they were going to go get drunk at college it was like, I want you guys to drunk dial me later.

I want to hear how fucked up you are. And then drunk texting became more of a thing as texting became prevalent. Am I wrong to think that guys do it more than girls? Is that close-minded of me? I think everybody does it because it's fun, I think guys do it in a thirstier way. To me there's a difference between saying things you think are funny when you're drunk to people and sending that hey you up text. So if she's just texting people to talk to them and flirt and stuff, people are probably

interpreting that as really infirsty. What if you started a little earlier in the night, so you just start texting people at eight, then it's like you're not drunk texting them, you're having a conversation with them. Yeah, as you get drunk. That way it looks like you're less thirsty because you started the conversation at 7.15pm. That's true. I guess I stopped doing it just by setting my intention earlier in the night. I would just say to myself, you're not going to drunk text anybody.

You sort of remember, you start to feel empowered when you look at your phone and you're like, don't do this. This is insane. I basically trained myself to not do it and then also when I do do it, I trained myself to not say the dumb things that I know I'll regret. So do you ever wake up and you're like, oh no, I forgot a text to this person. Yeah, and then I'll read the text and I'll be like, oh, this is kind of normal. Oh, it wouldn't be that bad.

So that's the best that I've done. I've just trained myself to say things that are very normal for when I do and for the most part, I keep my phone out of my hand. There's also apps I found that give you hard to answer things and it's like, if you can't figure this out, then you're too drunk to text. Yeah, that's a good idea. So there's like drunk locks and drunk mode and am I drunk, which are apps that prevent you from dialing people and texting people when you're wasted.

Just dialing and texting, right? Like it wouldn't prevent you from ordering an Uber. Yeah. I need to go home. I'm too fucked up. It's 88 times four. I'm dead. Did you ever drunk text anybody?

Yeah, I've drunk texted before. It's probably one of the most embarrassing things on my phone is probably like old drunk texts and it's like so painfully obvious, like trying to be like cool like, hey, what are you up to? It's like, well, it's 1.13 AM. You send the thirsty late night ones. Yeah, yeah, I've sent those before. I should delete those from my phone just in case I'm being asked.

I would love to read them. Yeah. Permission? Yeah, sure. Of course. I have everything to hide. Yeah. Another way to do it is to not get drunk.

Oh, come on. Come on. Be serious. We're trying to give real advice here. Well, I'm saying you can drink and have fun, but you don't have to get completely wasted. You don't have to overdo it. It's not wasting anybody's time. I'm just saying she doesn't have to over.

With the fake advice. It's not fake. I'm just saying don't drink to that point where you can't even delineate between right and wrong. Grow up, man. This isn't fun anymore. I don't think this is fun anymore. I know you're trying to do it a bit.

No, I'm not. Quit it. No, I'm getting pissed off and wasted. All right. That's it. Four questions, four answers, and a whole lot of fun in between. I had a good time. You are crying.

You are crying. You did cry a lot actually. I'm sad. You were sharing the episode. You cried. Yeah. I was on the verge the whole time. All right.

Anything else? My mother relaunched her cookie website. Wait. What? If you recall, jakesmomscookies.com was available for a short time. She got an overwhelming amount of orders and had to pause while she baked, I think, nearly a thousand cookies. Jesus.

And now she's back. And she's ready to scale. She is. She rented a, what's it called? Commercial kitchen. Commercial kitchen in New Haven. Shout out to coffee. That's the restaurant she's working at.

And she made a recyclable box that fits a dozen cookies and relaunched the website, jakesmomscookies.com. Open for business yet again. You could buy a dozen cookies. You can also do a cookie subscription for a bit cheaper. She should send us more cookies just because I sort of forget what they taste like. Yeah. I'll text her.

So I'll just keep talking about the cookies. And as I talk about them, she just sort of throws them into my mouth a little bit. Right. That's a good idea. Yeah. Oh, there's a picture of you on the website now. There is. You're a partner.

Oh, yeah. Meet the fam. That's right. Slam fam. Thank you, fam. Look at the fam. And it's good because it's just the core three for kids. Yeah.

None of that Rachel shit. None of the Rachel garbage. None of the Liza hullabaloo. Yeah. And the wasteful Micah space. Yeah. This is the core four, I think. We got Hannah, Sarah.

The guy all the way on the left is my mother's partner. I hate to call him my father. Yeah. Sam Hurwitz, your dad. Right. He is both your biological and the man who raised you. You can sort of see what a squash he is if you go on to, if you check out the website. You can see that he's a gourd man, not a good man, a gourd man.

Sorry. Yeah. I didn't think you said good. Yeah. You clarified it. He's not a great man. He's a great man. What?

You know what I mean? No. He is great. Got it. He's not a hero of mine. He's a ghetto. All right. Just.

He is a lamb sandwich. On time. Of a guy. Anyway, check out jakesmomscookies.com. Support my mother, not my father, folks. All right. The opening theme song was Coast Modern. Closing one is from Adelaide the Girl, who has her own SoundCloud page, soundcloud.com

slash Adelaide the Girl dash two. I guess that was an Adelaide the Girl dash one. All right. Anyway, thanks to Coast Modern. Thanks to Adelaide. Thanks to you guys for writing in. If I were you to show at gmail.com, we'll be back next week. Toda, good fight.

Good night. Woo. I've got a picture of the biggest dumbass I know. Selfie. Selfie. Selfie. Selfie. Selfie.

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