If I Were You - 296: F•R•I•E•N•D•S

Episode Date: October 9, 2017

In this episode we discuss Snapchatting, obsessing, and going away to college.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. Favorite If I Were You theme of all time, I think. Wow. God damn, it's so many good emotions that come out when you hear the Friends theme. You think about Ross and then there's also Phoebe. Oh, and you can't forget Chandler. And then there's Monica, of course, and Rachel. And that's all of the Friends.

Well, there's one more. Oh yeah, Gunther. Gunther, yes. Good man. You've been watching Friends recently? I have. Oh wait, I have to give the shout out to the, who wrote that? All right.

Jamie and Dan. Gracias, Jamie. And if we ever want to hit up an escape room in LA, we're your people. Oh shit. We were just talking about how we needed to do that. Yeah. So there we go. Jamie and Dan.

Expect an email from us. Friends, you're watching, you're rewatching it? Just smattering of watching? Yeah, I'm not like rewatching it from the beginning. I just sort of like pick a season, pick an episode. Netflix or Hulu or, this is on Netflix. Last night I watched the one with the seven Rajna zones. Oh yeah, he's like seven.

Seven, seven. Oh god. I think that's better than that. I'll have what she's having from when you're in the Sally. Whoa. Yeah. So you have high praise for Friends. I think it's incredible.

Just even watching the theme song, watching how, it's crazy how great of actors those friends were. Were they really friends, do you think? I don't know. I hope so. I don't want to hear anything about how Ross didn't get along with Joey. That would kill me. But their facial expressions, like Phoebe, Phoebe just, the one I was watching last night,

she was talking to a doctor about pregnancy and just like even the things she does with her mouth and eyes. I don't know how you do that in front of a live studio audience, but it's so good. You have a real crush on Lisa Kudrow. I'm Monica's grade two. Who's your least favorite and most favorite friend? When I was watching the show, when I was in high school and stuff, I didn't like Phoebe and I loved Chandler.

Yeah. And now I love Phoebe almost the most. Wow. And I don't dislike any of them. My favorite is Ross. Yeah, I think that Ross is like, he's a polarizing one. Yeah, a lot of people dislike Ross. I think Ross is super funny.

I watch someone where Ross wetting his teeth. And I mean, that's another, just the way he even, he smiles with the teeth. It's so funny. Anyway, thanks for Jamie and Dan for writing that. Letting us take you a trip down memory lane. You know friends came out over 20 years ago? Man. You want to feel old?

Chandler's 80. Is that, yeah, no way, right? No, yeah, he's not. He's not 80. But I'm saying if you want to feel old. Yeah, you would think about him being 80. So old. This is if I were you, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by me.

I'm Jake. What? And this is Ross. All right, found some questions for us to go through. Maybe we can give these people fake names that are maybe tertiary characters on friends. That's a good one. So for example, this first one's from a lady. Janice.

That's good. Janice writes, I'm a 19 year old and a sophomore in college. This girl and I matched on Tinder a while ago. We talked a little, things got sexual and we talked briefly about meeting up. She said she was on her period and maybe we could do it next week. A week and a day later, I sent her another message, but she never replied. I'm fine with it. I mean, I've seized the cheese since then.

Han. But she's an absolute dime and I'm bummed out and get to smash. But here's the real problem. She works at my favorite head shop here on campus and I want to be able to shop there. How do I go in there and play it cool? Is it possible she wouldn't even recognize me or remember me? Thanks guys. Love Janice.

Okay. What is a head shop? It's just weed paraphernalia? Yeah, it's bongs and pipes and beaded curtains for your doorway. Why is it called a head shop? I don't fucking know. Who's getting ahead in this shop? It's not Janice.

Do you think Janice is overreacting or it's an adequate level of reaction? So they hooked up but didn't fuck and then she tried to... It seems like they just matched. They talked a little and talked about meeting up and never met up. Oh, but she said she was on her period. Oh, that was the excuse she said. Maybe we can meet up. Actually, I'm on my period.

Let's do it next week. And then next week she sent her a message and didn't respond. Oh, yeah. I think you're fine. If anything, you could... I feel like going in there and playing it cool and not mentioning it. Yeah. Do you mention it when you go in or you're like, oh, hi.

We matched on Tinder. Or do you play it completely cool and pretend you don't know? No, I think that's too cool. That's playing it cold. Yeah. You know, that's playing it ice cold. Yeah. You got to cut through the tension but you also don't want to make it weird and be like,

is your period over? Sorry, do I know you? You mentioned you were having the phone, a printout of the conversation. You said you were menstruating on Thursday but it's Tuesday and I'm wondering if you stopped bleeding. I was in the bathroom and I peaked in the trash can and I saw no sanitary napkins. You have a three foot ghosty ass bog and have you stopped having a period yet? I'll have that glow in the dark black light poster and you not on your period. Hi, I'm Janice.

You might have remembered we matched. I think you... So you basically act like you've...act like your friends. Act like you hooked up. You don't have to mention anything. You don't have to mention the match. Oh, act like your friends. Yeah, just be like, hey, how's it going?

Good to see you again. What's going on? They never sell each other. It doesn't matter. Good to see you again? Well, they see each other at the head shop. Good to see you again. So are you acting like you know her from Tinder or not?

You're acting like you're...you're acting like, yes, I come in here all the time. Yes, we've matched on Tinder. Maybe we have a date to go on. Maybe we don't. I don't care. I'm still a normal person. So you don't act too cold. You don't pretend like the match never happened.

Yeah. But you don't pretend like you're owed a date. You just pretend like, hey, the chips may fall as they may. What if you don't say good to see you again? You just act overly nice. So if she recognized you, that's fine. And if not, that's also fine. So you say stuff like, hey, how's it going?

How are you? Yeah. Good. That's perfect. Let her lead the way. Yeah. Have you ever seen someone that you matched with on Tinder that you never went out with? Have you gone through your cycle?

What? Have you gone through your cycle? Cycle, I said. Sorry, I'm ringing somebody else up. Yeah, but now we're talking to each other. I guess. Leave this door. Okay.

I see you're ringing someone up, but now the paradigm has shifted. The reality has changed. We're involved in a conversation. I want to know if you are actually, I'm going to reach down and just make a quick little test for myself. What's that? Who's making that noise? Both of them. Got it.

Do I go in there and play it cool? You say play it slightly less, slightly more than cool? Yeah, I guess play it luke. Play it lukewarm. Is it possible she wouldn't even recognize me? She recognizes you. You think so? She recognizes you for sure.

Don't you worry about that. She recognizes you for sure. And remembers you. I don't know what some of my cousins look like, but I know what all my Tinder matches look like at all times. Especially ones that you chatted with. Oh yeah. Big time. Yeah.

Big time. What happens when you match with your cousins though? That's enough. You're talking about the Hurwitz family dynasty. That was a fun little story. Yeah. Tell the time that you kissed your cousin Johnny. Jesus Christ.

What? Didn't you match with your cousin Johnny? They just didn't like it. That's one of my cousin's actual names. Of course. You said cousin Davey, I would have played along. Fred? That's fine.

That's a fake cousin. Well, he's an uncle. Nobody has a cousin Fred. How weird is that? Impossible. They do. You want to feel old? No one's cousin is Fred.

Why does that make anyone feel old? Right? Because he's 80. Because he's 80. Because he's 80. All right, we got a guy's name. Fun Bobby. Oh, that's good.

Thank you. Throwing it back. That was like one of the first episodes, wasn't it? Where Fun Bobby was an alcoholic. I guess it must have been early. Fun Bobby writes, recently I've gone off to uni, far from my hometown. No one else from my school has come here, so I'm pretty much alone. I have friends.

A lot of friends in this thing. I have friends, but I'm running a bit dry in the relationship department. The predicament is that I'm head over heels for this nine and a half cent piece from my hometown. She's been my crush for a long time, and only once I've left has she started to talk to me. Well hooked, but the problem is, is this affecting my game at uni? Should I go fishing in the big pond or stick it out with my long time crush at back home? I think she likes me as she always responds to multiple intimate wordy snaps. But the other thing is she's playing the wait six hours to snap back game.

One time she opened my story and didn't open my snap DMs until three hours later. What the fuck is that? I really like her and her personality. Help. All right. Love fun Bobby. So he wants to know whether he should pursue his crush back at his hometown. Sounds like he's already doing that.

What more could he do? Or go fishing in this big pond. To me it seems like he's committed to one of the things already, no matter what I say right now. But I'm worried that is this crush is crippling him to the point where he's not looking for anything at uni. And this long time crush thing, it seems like you're way more into her than she is into you. Counting how many hours she snaps back, seeing if she opens your story and not your DMs. You're deep in the weeds here, overthinking it. I've done stuff like that.

I play the timestamp game. I've copied and pasted text into Word documents so I can see whose word count is higher. Interesting. That's a good level of overthinking it. But seeing who opened your, you see your open your story but she didn't open your DMs. Is that a deliberate thing? Don't people just rifle through their stories and then go through their DMs? I have no idea.

She watched his story but didn't open the DM from him? Yeah. I think that's fine because some people would just be on their story page. All right. It's a different thing. Right. But the fact that he's all into it thinking about it, he's like, he's in it. He's so in it, so hard.

Right. Because to you, your messages are the only thing on her phone. But to her, she's got a lot of things. Her phone's a whole phone. She has a full phone. And Snapchat's only one of the apps. Oh yeah dude. She's scrolling through every feed.

She's liking Venmo comments. I swear to God, I've seen this babe liking Venmo comments. How do you know who she is? Will she use Fun Bobby's girlfriend? Yeah. Monica. Bobby. So should I, I'm hooked but the problem is, is this effecting my game at uni?

Yeah, because your attention's divided. Should I go fishing in the big pond or stick it out with my longtime crush? Imagine if you gave half of the shit that you did about this girl, just about general girls at school. Yeah. You'd be, you'd be putting yourself out there more. Yeah. The problem is when you put all your eggs into one crush, it's more, the highs and lows are too high, I feel like. You gotta like, have a crush on multiple people, play multiple little games like this.

That way when somebody opens your story and doesn't respond in six hours, you're like, that's okay. Let's see what's going on on Twitter. Maybe she read my tweet. Maybe she did this. Maybe I'm talking to someone IRL. Maybe I got a text message or two going. Yeah. Irons in lots of the fires.

Yeah. And then I think you end up seeming, then like, you know, by accident you behave a little more like cool. Right. You're not, you're, you're playing it cool but you're actually cool. Yeah. So you're not even playing it. And then that's good. And then the person back home will maybe start to notice.

Because I think the coolest thing you can do at school is like, have a good life, especially if she's back home. You know, she's going to wonder about you. You're, you're the mystery man at uni doing cool shit. That's good. But it's time that you actually start doing the cool shit that she's like, hopefully imagining you doing. Rather, like when she's picturing you at uni, she's like, oh, fun, Bobby, must be at like all these cool parties. For you. Meanwhile, you're just like sitting on your toilet, seeing if she's opened your DM.

Be the cool guy that she imagines you're being. Living well is the best revenge of the cool. Well, you don't need to have revenge, but yeah, living well is the best everything. Yeah. Living well is just in general good. Yeah. Then the people that you're trying to spite will feel sad. And then the people that you're trying to like will want to fuck you.

So. Live well. And you don't necessarily need revenge, but that's a nice little byproduct, isn't it? A nice side effect that I'm not complaining about. Here's another Snapchat question from a 19-year-old guy living in Australia. Nice. What do you want to call this guy? What's Chandler's weird roommate's name when Joey moves out?

Oh yeah, the Adam Goldstein character. Yeah. Adam Goldstein on Friends character name. Wait, was it Adam Goldstein? Adam Goldberg. Adam Gold. Adam Goldberg on Friends character name. Eddie.

Eddie. That's right. The fish. Classic. Good episode. Isn't there like a pretty late episode where all the friends turn 30? I'm like, are they really not 30 in this show? They're supposed to be in their 20s?

We should find out how old they were when they were all cast. How old were they in season one? I bet realistically they were all above 30, but they're all like supposed to be playing 27-year-olds. Really? We should find out. All right. Let's see what Eddie said. All right.

Eddie, a 19-year-old living in Australia writes, what's up, cunts? I could say that because I'm just reading it. Of course. I have a smoke show of a girlfriend who I love and really appreciate, but here's some context. We hooked up at Leavers right after high school and we've been dating ever since. It's been the best couple years of my life. She is truly one of the best things that's ever happened to me. Now here's the issue.

Her and my roommate, who happens to be my best friend of eight years, have been Snapchatting a lot more recently and have even become best friends on Snapchat. She will sometimes hide her phone from me when she gets a Snapchat from him and when I bring it up, she says, it's just to spare my feelings. He also has been talking to me much less and I will ask for her opinion on shit that's happening in his life. I want to trust her, but I can't help but feel something sinister is happening behind my back. Basically, my question is, should I be worried or am I just overthinking this whole situation? Love? Eddie. Wait a second.

Eddie's roommate and his girlfriend have been Snapchatting so much, they're best friends on Snapchat. And they all live together? No, Eddie lives with his male friend. Oh, okay. And his girlfriend lives far away? I see. Not far away, but not in the house. Okay, so his friend is snapping his girlfriend and they become really close.

Yeah, best friends on Snapchat close. Yeah, they're definitely gonna fuck. Yeah, I would be. That's what's gonna happen. I mean, just based on all of the emails we've received of people who are hooking up with their friends, girlfriends, this is the people that have crushes, at the very least, one of them likes the other one. One of them. That's the very least.

Bare minimum. Because nobody does this just for two people that want to be great friends. Yeah. No way. Your girlfriend either really likes as a crush on your girlfriend and your girlfriend enjoys his friendship or your girlfriend has a crush on your friend. I would say with 90% certainty they both like each other. It's so dangerous.

What a weird game they're playing where they're snapping and texting more than they do with the boyfriend. Have you ever had a crush on a friend's girlfriend? Of course, all the time. And would you dare go to this length of snapping, texting, emailing behind the person's back? Thankfully, this stuff wasn't around when I was younger because I would have fucked with a lot more of my friends' relationships than I did already, which was a decent amount. When you're young, you just don't really think about, first you don't think about consequences and then also the dating pool isn't very large. So your friend has a girlfriend.

You're like, that's one of the few girls around. I have to steal her. Otherwise, there'll be none for me. So I think now I wouldn't do it, but because these guys are young, I think that's what's happening. Well, you're a fiance, right? You're a fiance. I'm a fiance, yeah. What if your fiance, her best friend on Snapchat was Dave Rosenberg?

I mean, I would have so many other questions if that were the case. I think at the time where you're a fiance, I definitely trust my fiance enough to be like, I just know for a fact she would never become best friends with Dave Rosenberg on Snapchat. But if they were, I would think that Dave was up to something nefarious and not her. That's why I think at the very least you have to do some investigating on to find out what's going on. Yeah, I can see the guy being nefarious and the girl being like, we're just having fun. I've seen girls that are a little bit clueless to the fact that all guys want to eff them. My theory is that your dude friend is an asshole.

He's trying to fuck her actively and your girlfriend has an innocent crush on him. Nothing would ever happen, but I like getting his snaps and stuff. That's why I keep it up. You got a team with a girl to fuck with a guy being like, is this crazy? What are we doing? And then it's like both of you together and then see how you respond. And they're like, let's fucking meet up. This guy's out of town.

Eddie's leaving town for a little bit while you want to come over and watch a movie. Then you set up a little sting operation. So you're hiding in the closet. And you dig a really, really deep hole outside of your house. Layer with tiny little twigs and leaves. Oh, I see. Yeah, like outdoor style. And then he comes over and he steps on the twig pile, assuming that there's solid ground underneath it.

Oh, yeah. And then all of a sudden he falls onto all the spikes that you planted down below. Yeah. So he's stuck there and his feet are on the spikes. Yeah. And then you come out. Up through his knee. Yeah.

Like he is not getting out. He's begging for a Swiss death and that's all he wants. He just doesn't want to bleed out. Not like this. It doesn't have to end like this. I'm sorry, but I don't deserve this. He's pouring like a little water. Like a watering can.

He's like, no, no, I don't want to shower mate. Yeah. But it turns out, yeah, it is. Lighter fluid. Yeah. And then you don't have the fucking balls to light the match. So you want your. You toss him the match.

No, you toss him the match stick. Yeah. So you know, you have to do it. You're not getting out. You're either going to starve or bleed to death. Got it. And then like, and then it's, honestly, then it's suicide. He kills himself.

That's on him. Starved to death. Yeah. Like cause he's in the hole. He's stuck. I see. And then he's like, so the quickest way out is to burn himself alive. Yeah.

And then you look at your girlfriend after all this is said and or done. And you say, who's your best friend now? Who's your best friend on Snapchat now? Jesus Christ. And then she opens the phone. It's still him because like nothing. And then you realize that she's called 911. Of course.

Obviously. Like distant. You see, you hear the lights. You see the lights. You hear a distant siren. You say, what the hell? I thought we were, I thought you were my girlfriend. I thought we were Bay.

And it's, it's so foggy. It's just like, you know, you're sort of, you can't even see through the lights cause they're so blinding. All you can do is hear the sirens. All of a sudden you're falling into your own hole. Why? How? Because you're, you're backed away.

I don't use it from your, from your girlfriend. I don't know you anymore. I don't know you anymore. Whoa. Oh. Oh no. It was that deep of a hole. Insane.

Yeah. When did you dig it? That's weird. That's awesome dude. All right. Well, that's our little bit of advice. Let's take a break. We'll come back and answer some more questions right after these messages.

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Squarespace. And we're back. Hello. Headgurm. Headgurm. Headgwam. Headgwam. Headgwam.

So we are launching the new official Gwam office. It's in downtown Gwam and we're just looking for 50 to 70 able-bodied men and women to fill up an office. That's so many more than work in our New York and LA studios. I know, but this is Headgwam after all. This is the flagship Gwam. No, Headgum is looking for fall interns. We're looking for two types of interns, office intern and AV intern.

Some of it will help with the video and then someone to help around our office. More information at headgum.com slash about and you can submit application materials to hate at headgum.com. Previous interns include none other than current producer Marissa. That's right. Marissa Melnick. Current ad sales planner, I think is Marika's title in New York. The dumb ass himself, Jeffrey James.

That's right. I think Marty started as an intern or he still is, but that's still... Marty started as an intern but not at this company. Right. Yeah, we were all interns one day. Have you ever been an intern? I was a college humorist first intern. There you go.

Actually second intern. Interns. But the only one that fucking mattered. That's really cool, man, thanks man. So we're looking for some great people. Send your resumes. Check it out. Headgum.com slash about.

I believe they got to be LA residents and they have to come into our office two to three days a week. And you got to be a college student, I imagine, right? Yeah, I believe so. Okay. You find out the requirements at headgum.com slash about, correct? Yeah, school credit only. Cool.

And then it's not... We're only one week away from our... Actually less than by the time this comes out, our Boise show. Oh shit. We them Boise. Hold up. Hold up. We them Boise.

We them Boise. I don't know how many people are going to come to this show. It's in Idaho. It's in Idaho. I didn't know. But we never been to Idaho. So if you live in or around Idaho, if you live within a couple hours, drive a Boise. I expect you to be there.

Holler at your Boise. We'll be there. I want to put the information somewhere, but I don't know where. It's at Boise State University. And it's free to students, $10 to everybody else, which is very... That's pretty cheap. $10. Do they have?

That's a stupid question, but does Idaho do American cash? You are such a... Or do they just... You're a coastal elite. And that's why I'm going to fucking crush it at Boise. And you're... And you're going to... And you're going to mush it.

I'm going to crush and you're going to mush. I'm serious. I really think they pay with potato discs. I'm going to... Yeah, well, I'm going to crush. I'm going to be some... I'm going to do crunchy French fry potato. You're going to do mushy mushy potato.

I really think that if you're a businessman in Idaho, you take out your wallet. And it's just mashed. It's mashed little potatoes everywhere, inside your wallet, inside your shoes. People take off their hat. And when we went to Iowa, you thought that they paid in corn. Corn, yeah. And when we went to Florida, you thought every... The currency was in orange.

Or an alligator, that's correct. A humid cubic foot of air. I just think... I guess I think chief exports are currency. I guess that's my bad. That is your bad. You want to feel old? Sure.

California was purchased with an avocado. All right. California was. Good stuff. Very good stuff. Anything else you wanted to talk about before we get back into it? Two things. Holy shit.

Yeah, two. And number one, I want everybody to be ordering my mother's cookies. Oh, have they not yet? Has everybody not ordered them yet? I don't think so. Oh, really? There are some people who haven't ordered. My mother said that she didn't get a lot of orders over the weekend.

Why are you mad at me? And she... And that makes her sad. And I'd like her not to have to go back to teaching. I don't want her to have to be a teacher. Your mom is sad at you? What? You haven't talked about Jake's mom's cookies enough?

I've eaten five of them in the last week. Yeah, she sends us cookies. I do like the cookies. I obviously like the cookies. And you haven't tweeted? You haven't Instagrammed? I've tweeted. My mom would like you to do a periscope.

I really think... She'd like you to Meerkat next time you get a box. Meerkat? I think she wouldn't mind if you snapped once in a while, Bloomin' Vogue. She'd love for you to be a brand ambassador. You're an influencer. You haven't even put it on your goddamn story. All right, I'll put it on my story and I'll shout from the rooftop.

Don't do it just because I asked you to. All right, then I won't. Well, no, you really should do it because she asked you to. jakesmomscookies.com I hadn't eaten them actually because I was on a diet trying not to eat too much sweets and stuff, but I couldn't resist and I had one last week. And? My God.

Love my mother. If she didn't make those cookies, whoever did would be my mom. That's how you decide. My second announcement? Anyway, I ordered the cookies. Mom, you can go fuck yourself. I love you, mother. Mother.

Order my mother's cookies. Oh, mother must be making cookies. Oh, mother must be making cookies. And you can wash it down with mother's milk. What's mother's milk? I don't want to go there. I already did. Make some, share some retweets for mom's sweet treats.

Suckle at the teeth of mother. Oh, it's just dough, mother. You've become a cookie, mother. I am your little chocolate chip, mother. Okay. Second announcement. In the... My mom is divorcing me.

In the friend's pilot, Jennifer Aniston, her character of Rachel was 25. Wow. In the pilot, she was a runaway bride. She was 24. She was 24. Yes. And Monica? Monica's character?

Yeah. 25. Okay. Phoebe Buffet, care to guess? 24. 27. Oh, 27. Joey Tribbiani, care to guess?

23. 25. Okay. Chandler Bing, care to guess? 27. 26. Fuck. And Ross...

My last fucking chance. Yes. 42. Keep in mind, he and Chandler were college roommates. Oh, fucking him and Monica are twins. Not twins. Brother and sister. Brother and sister.

And how old did you say Monica was? 25. So Ross is 26. Same age as Chandler, correct. Wait, so Ross and Monica aren't twins, but they're brother and sister born one year apart. Yeah. That makes sense.

Irish twins, if you will. And remember, Chandler was Ross's college roommate. Anyway, and the... So now we know the general age of their fictional characters. Yeah. Now I've got the age of the actors playing them. They had to have all been over 30, right? Jennifer Aniston playing Rachel at 24 was?

29. 25. What? 25? Courtney Cox playing Monica at 25 was? 30. 30. Correct.

Lisa Kudrow playing... Oh, she's the oldest. ...Ibi Buffet at 27. 32. 31. Okay. Matt LeBlanc playing Joey Tribbiani, 25. Oh, he was young.

I'm going to go same age, 25. 26. Fuck! Very close. Chandler Bing playing...or Matthew Perry playing Chandler Bing at 26 was? 27. The youngest friend of all, 25. He was younger than his character?

Yep. Wow. And David Schwimmer playing Ross Geller at 26 was? 28. 27. Okay, so they were all in their 20s. Everybody but Courtney Cox and Lisa Kudrow. I mean, they're pretty young.

That's young. They're all younger than we are now. It's crazy. That's so young to be the stars of a hit must-see TV NBC prime time. NBC Thursday, come on! All right, pull up Caroline in this fucking city. Let's see how old Rhea Perelman's character was. So she was the thousand.

Yeah, she was Satan. She was Lucifer. She, I guess, as a young pilgrim traded in for eternal use, traded her soul to the devil. I'm so sorry to hear that. Pretty nuts. Oh, sorry, it's Leah Thompson, not Rhea Perelman. Okay. Oh, so she was 28.

Yeah. That's awesome. Did you watch those other shows, those NBC shows? I think I watched Caroline in the city. Yeah. I mean, I watched Seinfeld. I watched, but nothing like Friends. There was nothing like Friends.

Nothing like Friends. There was a, I wonder if prime time shows are just as good now to 13 to 15 year olds, or if they were actually a lot better when we were a kid. No, I think they were actually a lot better, because that's the only TV there was. Now there's such a wide breadth of television. Yeah, all the good shows have fleed to smaller channels, except for the Will and Grace is back, baby. Woo!

It is funny, it's like Will and Grace is back, Fuller House, we're just like, boy meets world again. Yeah. Girl meets world again. They're rebooting it, but it's gritty this time. All right. That was a fun little guess a game, but let's get back to what we're here to do. Help anonymous humans get out of their sticky, wiki situations.

Sticky, wiki. What do we got? We are, oh, we got a lady. Susan? Susan. Oh, that's Ross's first wife? Yeah. Cool.

Ross and, no, Susan. Susan. Yes, Julia, I'm thinking of. Julia's the Asian one. I don't remember, Julia, I'm watching one with, I was just watching one with Emily, where he says I love you. She says, thank you. Yeah.

That's a good one. There's a lot of like answering machine stuff in friends. Yeah. Just funny. Or like, I remember the one where we were on a break, Ross was out and Rachel was by the phone. She's like, oh, pick up, pick up, like calling his house, like, oh, he's not home. Right.

It's so funny. Like, can you imagine? That one. Texts. I love you. And then she gets on the plane, and then he's just like, I have to go, I can't do anything. She's gone. Yeah.

She gets back to English and calls him. But there was no communication until then. We should pitch a show that's friends, but with texting. Ooh, interesting. So it's friends, but they can text. We're gonna show it sort of like Modern Seinfeld, where they do, there was a Twitter account. Yeah, Modern Seinfeld. Cool.

Anyway, Emily, Julie, Susan writes, definitely the midst of a sticky situation and could use some outside perspective. My sister has been dating a terrible dude for almost three years now, and I can't stand him. His resume is as follows. Divorced. Survivor of a jet ski accident. That's a good thing.

Proud recipient of three DUIs. One of them being on the jet ski. Recently paroled from jail for said DUIs, lives in a motel, drives an unregistered truck with no license and insurance. Works under the table. Recently kicked a dent into her car and accused her of stealing his truck, in which he leaves all the keys and all of his earthly possessions when he's chilling in the motel after a week-long breakup last month.

I think that's the short list. I haven't been able to talk to my sister because I really just can't understand why she would choose to share her life with this person. I've told her about countless times how I feel and only get in trouble for being mean. How can I pretend to ignore his existence without going berserk? I apologize that this email is so long, but I can't emphasize what a dipshit this guy is. Thanks.

You guys are the best. Love. Susan. Emily. Julie. Nice that he survived an accident. That's cool. You only get out of jail for parole on good behavior.

Some of this stuff just seems fine. Divorced is not necessarily a black mark. We don't know what that situation came from. DUI charges, that's not good. He's driving under the influence. Survivor of a jet ski accident, that's decent. So far we have two pros and one con. Unless you want to count all three DUIs as con.

He's racist, but he twisted his ankle once, so he has crutches. That's okay. All right. That's okay. He lives in a motel. I think there's all things to push. Overall. Works under the table.

That's fine. Not everybody likes to sit at the chair. So he has a laptop under the table and he's trading stocks. Sometimes you don't like someone and then you start saying, yeah, what about this, this and this, but then you like the things that you're grabbing aren't necessarily bad. You just don't like his personality probably, and then you're grabbing some things like DUI, which is actually bad, and then a jet ski accident, which is fine. But I do, all of the bad things seem really bad.

Kicking a dent into her car, that's pretty bad. That's dangerous. That's really bad. That's scary. Unregistered truck is bad. Yeah. No license, bad. But she's already voiced her displeasure.

Yeah. I don't know what you can do beyond that. What you can do is say, I just don't want to see him. So you can be like, I'm not going to disown you as my sister, but at the same time, I don't want to see him. If enough family members do that, then it's like, oh, this is a weird situation. Right. Why do none of my family members want to hang out with me?

Isn't that dangerous? Because then you can... Alienate them both. Together. Right. And then that forges a stronger bond than before. Yeah. But what about...

I'm talking about manipulation, bud. I'm talking about we all hang out together, and then he goes off to the bathroom, like didn't Chuck say such a dumb thing just before? I think it's kind of dumb. You plant the little seeds, like, oh yeah, you don't have a registered truck. I guess you're a moron. I guess you're a bad guy, and then you just needle. You can't do that from far away.

Yeah. You say, I wash my hands of this, and you walk away. All of a sudden, you've left her alone with the guy that gets to put his own spin on everything. She gets no point counterpoint, no devil and angel on her shoulder. But if you... You got to stay the angel on the shoulder. If you're constantly saying, this guy's bad, this guy's bad, and she just yells at you for being mean, that's also seemingly not helpful.

You got to say it all the time that this guy's bad, you just plant different seeds. This guy's bad. This guy's dumb. This guy's cheap. This guy has anger issues. Different ones. Different little ones. All the kernels of truth planted, and they will blossom into beautiful, beautiful flowers

of knowledge, and then she'll dump this guy on her. What if you focus on the dangerous ones? You'd be like, listen, I don't care that he got into a jet ski accident. Hell, I think that's pretty fucking awesome. But I am afraid about your safety and well-being. I mean, he's kicked your truck. That's a little weird. He's got anger issues.

Don't ever drive with him when he's drunk, because this dude does a bunch of DUIs. We're worried about you. We're worried about you, Julie Janice's sister. How can I pretend to ignore his existence without going berserk? Maybe you don't ignore his existence. Yeah, I think you needle, and I think you manipulate, and I think you plant the seeds, and I think you know how to do it. And if it comes to it, if this guy is actually fucking violent, if he's a real danger, then

you got to have a straight-up intervention. Good old-fashioned intervention. Yeah. Or you could fucking arc this dude out. You see his snitch. You be a rat. You tell the cops about this unregistered truck. You get him thrown right back into jail.

You see interventions a lot on TV and movies. Have you ever actually seen or heard of a real intervention? I've never participated in one. I think they... On either side? Oh, people have tried to intervene with my shit all the time. Oh, I can't remember the last time I got home and my entire friends and family weren't there.

All you got to do is be like, not right now, not right now, I know, I know, I know, I know. I can't do it right now. I love what you guys are doing. This is great. This is great. I also think I have a problem. I can appreciate it. You're right.

I do have a problem. All right. You guys, this was so funny. I have this thing. I have a lasagna in the oven. I have to take care of it. Ciao. Cheers.

I mean, they've all just, they've gone along with that. Nobody wants to be there anyway. Yeah. At that point, they're just... They're like, all right, we did what we could. He said cheers. He said ciao. Yeah.

That's fine. No, yeah. That's good. I actually... It would be... I think interventions are great. They're probably very, very tough. But I think they're...

When they're necessary, you got to do it. What are you going to do? You really got to save it for... Your sister. You really got to save it for like the big things. Like, I fear an intervention where it's like opinion-based. Like, we all think this guy isn't good. Right.

But I mean, if he's like... If he's actually... Densing trucks and like accusing people of stealing, that's like... That's inching towards fucking slitting or throat or something. Yeah, that's a worst case scenario. This isn't like, oh, this guy's a jerk. He makes you pay for dinner all the time. This is, we're past the realm of normal bad behavior.

All right. So just keep an eye on it. Let's not forget the jet ski accident. The guy yells out in the back of the intervention. Are we just going to gloss past the fact that he was holding a jet ski and then he fell off and... He came out without a scratch. I mean, you're fucking...

He's unbreakable. All right. There it is. Manipulate. Deceit. Ruin. Slowly. Chip away.

Needle. Needle. All right. That's our time. Thanks for listening. This was episode 296. We only have a few episodes left. We got some good guests lined up, so get excited for those.

We want to finish our third century. Yeah. We want to finish our third century strong. Oh, and by the way, we're retiring the podcast at 300 will be our last episode. All right. So ciao, everybody. Thank you. The opening of this song was written by Dan and Jamie.

The closing one is written by Hell If We Know, a band, Hell If We Know, Bean Song Submission. Oh, they have a podcast called Hell If We Know. All right. So you can check out their podcast if you like their song so much. You want to hear more of their voices. Thanks to Hell If We Know. Thanks to Jamie and Dan. Thanks to everyone who's written in.

Email address for everything. Everything is at FowrieShow at gmail.com. You know it? Fuck it. Let's keep going. Oh, you want to go past 300? We're going past 300. We're retiring.

All right. We're bringing it back. We're out of retirement. We're bringing it back. Our second wind. Rejuvenate us. That's right. Awesome.

We guys were to stick around. We'll see you guys soon. All right. Later. Looking for the answers, looking for the way, looking for a new word when there's no words left to say. Looking at Bae. Now she's making that face, but the problem is I don't know how to get past second Bae's.

But here comes Jake. Mr. BWF cake. Not a moment too late. Set you straight. Assess your fate. Progress that day and maybe get you laid, but that's not really what it's all about. Not the show. Not life.

You know, there's a lot of other things going on and you can assess your own priorities and they can help you do that too. That's what you're looking for. And Amir is really cool too, but just in a really different way. It's a preferential really kind of thing, but I highly recommend the show and I'm hoping that this is just going to be a ramble where I can fade out and that that'll work because I don't have any more ideas for lyrics per se. But that's the show.

Also, if you're looking for another podcast to listen to, try Hell if We Know by Jonathan Freeman. That was a hit gum podcast.