If I Were You - 297: Lightning Round 4 (w/Geoffrey James!)

Episode Date: October 16, 2017

Friend, co-worker, and dumbass Geoffrey James join us to tackle as many questions as possible.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. I don't think I ever said that those words for them to sample my voice. You think you created it? I think you did. I mean, you could MIDI keyboard each vowel, each letter, and put it together, yeah. You think he just made your voice out of songs? I'm on board for that, actually. I think you could use that to frame me in some way.

Actually, that's a guy we've used before. His name is Don Keaneon. Remember that name? Oh, I do. Don Keaneon back. I see. He wants us to shout out his Squarespace site for his music and stuff, which is skyportmedia.biz. Easy to say, easy to remember, rolls off the tongue.

Have you ever, Jeffrey James in the studio, I should say. Jeffrey James. Thanks for having me. Have you ever bought a domain name? Of course. What do you got? Well, my current website is jeffreyjames.com was taken.com. Awful.

Nice. I think I might have. I also own jeffreyjames.com. Yeah, just because, but that just forwards you to jeffreyjames.com was taken.com. Look at that, jeffreyjames.com was taken.com. By who? Who's jeffreyjames.com? He's an English author and he comes up first on any kind of search, you'll never get that

back. Oh yeah, look at him. He's a wacky looking guy. All right, what else you got? I think there was a short film that I did in high school called Check Please. There was CheckPleaseFilm.com. I don't think I have it anymore, but for the time that it was going to be available then. Now it's available.

You know what maybe that's your next Squarespace ad is Check Please Film. Because I have been phoning it in lately. Have you ever bought domain names? Did you ever get into that whole game? Yeah, but I mean, I don't remember any of the ones that I... You and Streeter bought Jew York Crimes, didn't you? Yeah, he bought that and forwarded it to New York Times. Let's see if it's still doing that.

What about Jew York Rhymes? No, it's no longer available. He must have let it expire. Wow. I like went through a phase in high school where I was like buying domain names trying to sell them like on the secondary market. Very, very smart. Did you make money?

What was the best one you had? I remember an embarrassing one that I had that I thought was really good, but nobody ever wanted it. I was like 17, so I was probably too smart to think that the domain name that I bought, FineBanking.com, and like asking my parents for $70 to buy FineBanking.com. The weirdest part is that it was F-I-E-N-N-E-S Banking. Rafe. Yes, just in case Rafe ever created it.

Then I'll just sell it to Wells Fargo or some shit. Because their banking is fine. It's all right. Didn't you have a domain name called iPhone Games or iPod Games? Yeah, that was more than enough. That was like an entire business, iPodArcaded.com. Yeah, that's right. Before iPods can play games, my buddy Amir Kohn and I bought iPodArcaded.com and sold

like text games. Wait, did you develop games? Well, they were text games, so it was only trivia games. So it was like, but then before you knew it, once people searched iPod Games, ours was number one. So then when iPods got games, we were able to monetize it that way. Did you put ads on there? We put ads on it, and we made like a couple hundred bucks a week, so we probably made

like $10,000 over the course of a decade. That's insane. I went there. We don't even own the URL, and there's a different website on it. iPodArcaded.com is not ours. It's been stolen from under our feet. I'm sorry to tell Amir Kohn the bad news. Oh yeah, I used to have that website called Roboboring.

What's that? Roboboring. What's that? It was a Tumblr blog about robots, of course. Did you write entries about robots? I would draw little cartoons of robots and put it on there. Roboboring.com. Yeah.

It's gone now, huh? Gone forever. Fuck. All our great domains. Domain name I bought like 10 years ago, and I kept just because I think somebody will buy it. Notify.com. Oh yeah.

That's pretty good. Yeah, but with a D. Oh. That's bad. Remember when we went to- Oh wait. You know what that is? This is my pitch for it. Is anybody who has issues with their lymph nodes, you know, friendly-

This is a doctor that'll tell you. Exactly right. No, no, not even a doctor. It's just a website. You just send it out, and it sends, I guess, an email blast to all your friends and family, notifying them that you have, you know, why do they need to know that you are sick? Yeah. You're right.

It was a dumb idea. All right. You're not really quick to defend it, huh? I don't know. I don't even have the domain. Fair. All right. This is not a domain name show, though it maybe could be.

This is an advice show. If I were you. The only advice podcast on the internet hosted by me, Jake, and now Jeff. It's official. You're taking over for one of us, and we'll decide who it is by the end of this episode. God of the death. For who gets to leave. For this episode.

For this episode. You host the podcast with a dead guy afterwards. But you get to choose the dead guy. I don't. This is- How are you not taking this offer? I don't know. It seemingly have a choice.

I am holding a gun to you. All right. So instead of emails for this episode, I tweeted, anybody got a question for us? We're going to do lightning round. I got 160 replies. Wow. Can we go through them all? Probably not.

We can try. Maybe we can go through a shit ton of them. Lightning round style. Try to answer as many as possible. Does that sound good to you guys? Yes. All right. Does anything come off?

Pop out to you guys right off the bat. I've got a good one. Is it wise to un-ghost yourself after a ghosting? Oh, wow. Come out of ghosting. Come back from the dead. So somebody's ghosted you and then you're like, by the way- No, no, no, no.

You ghost someone. You don't talk to them. And then you want to just pop back in. Oh, so you ghosted someone and then you want to bring them back into your life? Yeah. Wow. You are the ghost and you come back from the dead. That person is going to have a real low self-esteem if they were ghosted and then down to give

you another shot. Everybody has low self-esteem. I've done this before. None lower than me. It's really good, actually. I've done it. You've ghosted someone for how long? Months.

Month or two. And then you're like, hey, sorry about that. There's been a case where it was an entire year. Yeah. And you return with an apology and a doctrine. I think what helps is you have to see- I was in a fiasco from Notify. I was in a coma.

I feel like that might be the only way to do it. Yeah. Cleanly. By the way, I think I was dead for you. That's why I sort of ignored you for months at a time. Don't you feel bad about some of those texts I got? No, you're the asshole. Do you remember you apologized with un-ghosting?

I think what happened in my case was I saw them in real life or something and then I followed up afterwards. I don't think you can go from straight-ghosting texts to talking on the same text thread. Though I've also done that. You see the- Of course. You can do it on a different medium. You go to them over texts, but you can slide into their DMs.

And then you're like- I guess it depends on the context. If it was someone you dated and actually ghosted versus somebody you hung out with a few times and then you faded away, there's different degrees of ghosting. I guess if you do full ghost out of nowhere, you're gone forever, then it's very- I don't know if you can really come back. But if you've done the patented Jake fade away- Yeah, maybe you can fade back from away.

I think you can fade back in. I was a serial ghoster for two years. It was bad. Serial ghoster. You would go serial? God, it was a game to me. Cold turkey. No, no.

Here's my thing. That was a joke. But I did hurt some people. And I want to apologize. And I want to apologize. And I won't apologize. But no, but I think ghosting's a normal thing after three dates, right? Like two, three dates, you know, they get it.

Yeah, everyone speaks the language. But if you were going two weeks, or not two weeks, a month and you just dropped- Yeah. You don't know the right to ever talk to them again. Yeah, that's a little too much. Yeah. But it also depends on what you did, too, because like you could, if you had like us, if you were having sex a lot, you'd be like, awesome.

But I think the more- Sorry, I'm not, I'm at a chat room. The more sex you're having, the more unacceptable it is to ghost somebody. Absolutely. If you haven't had sex, ghosting is like, that's like a fucking no brainer to me. That's fine. That's good. It's kind of bad. Get out while you still can, they say.

All right, we got to go. This is lightning round. We got a ghost. Nice. Is quesadilla a sandwich, writes Malachi Dempsey. Oh. Good question. Absolutely not.

Yeah, I would define sandwiches in between bread and a tortilla is, they call it a tortilla bread, right? If anything, it's a wrap panini. I actually like that a lot. Sounds like a sandwich to me. It's a Mexican grilled cheese. Here's a question. Is a grilled cheese a sandwich?

Yes. Is a turkey club a sandwich? Yeah. Of course. Yes. These are all obviously. These are all. Hold on.

Is a pasta a sandwich? No. Pasta is not a sandwich. Okay. Is a rice a sandwich? So you're not smart enough to come up with like a tricky one? I just think it's fun to ask people questions back when they ask me a question. For example, is this question a sandwich?

No. Right? Obviously. Right? Because it's not food. I'll say it's not a sandwich. Yeah, it's not a sandwich, unfortunately. It's not going to be on the sandwich section of a menu.

Jake, you got one. Which one of you has a more tan dick? Obviously, Jeff. That's not a real. That one is. Are you shitting me? Yeah. Oranthal J.

Yeah, that's definitely me. Oranthal Jake Hurwitz. Yeah, Jake wrote it. Yep. Jeff, you got one. How does it feel like? That's really good. I'm actually currently a little bit under the weather, so I can answer that.

I hate it. I know. Whenever a mirror gets sick, it's like, you know how when you feel like you start to get a cold, and you sort of slide into illness over a week? Right. That's how I felt. But like, I get that for two weeks, because when a mirror's sick, I spend the whole entire week knowing that I'm going to get sick, and then the next week, getting sick.

Mine is a quick, it's a five-day in and out. On Monday, I feel like I have to try this. Five-day in and out. I have a fucking wedding to go to this weekend. I can't be ill. What do you want from me? I want you to be better. I want you to take care of yourself.

Wash your hands. Drink enough fluid. Get enough rest. Never be sick. Yeah. Ever? Ever. How's that sound?

I get a cold once every two years. Yeah. I mean, I haven't had a cold in a bit, but you know, it's a fluent cold season. Yeah. Have you gotten a flu shot? Hmm? Flu shot? No.

You don't need one if you don't get sick. No. Here's a question that I've often wondered. Yeah. What's the best way to get out of awkward Uber slash Lyft conversations without being rude, except not Uber, because fuck Uber, says Marissa Rivera. What is the best way to get out of an Uber conversation? Yeah.

You can do the fake phone call. I was going to say that. Fake phone call. But I'll actually call somebody, but then I'll open, I'll like, you know, I'll pick up the phone like I picked it up, even though I called them. I wonder if Uber and Lyft drivers like see through that, even when it's fake, even when it's real fake, like, because I've gotten real calls while I've been in a car before too.

But do you think they're just like, oh fuck this guy, I don't have to talk to him. He's just, he's just like ducking me. I think if they really start an in-depth conversation, they don't pick up on social cues anyways, because I would say the vast majority of people don't want to talk to their driver. Here's another question for you that this one stems from. Of the times that you've like, your Uber or Lyft driver has forced you into a conversation where you like couldn't back out of, how often have you totally regretted having the

conversation? Because there have been plenty of times for me where I didn't want to talk to somebody and then I end up talking to them for half an hour and by the end I'm like, I really like that person. That was great. For me, that's only happened once. Every other time it's been like, that was a waste of energy and breath. Interesting.

Yeah. But I talked to this one guy on my way to Wolfdown, have you guys been yet? Oh, no I haven't. It's like on Rowena, right? Really good. Oh wait, yes I, no I haven't. It's also a very like fall place. Yeah, that's true.

Maybe once I get really sick, I can go there and sneeze into a soup. Continue. Screw you man. I don't think I'm, I don't think I want to. I'm just saying. You ruined Wolfdown. I had a potato leak and I was like, oh this is actually, potato bisque. So we say fake, fake a phone call or, or actually talk to them because well it's different for

girls because it definitely sucks a lot more. Yeah. David Alienjohn writes, when will you return to the Irvine Improv? And I just thought that was interesting because were you not at, I was at that show. Yeah. That was crazy. And you know who was, you know who went with me was Rob who interned here. No way.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No. Cause I didn't, I mean, I didn't have, that was like my first month in LA so I didn't have any friends really. Holy shit. Not that I'm not friends with Rob but I was just like, you want to just go to this comedy show. You guys went all, you drove all the way to Irvine.

We took the train from Union I think or so. Oh nice. Yeah. It's a great way to see the South, South LA. Any plans for a Pittsburgh visits, writes, writes Brady Winner. Any plans for a Pittsburgh visit? Not in the immediate future but we have never been to Pittsburgh and I would like to go. I want to do the whole steel town tour.

Yeah. I'm trying to get these guys to come to Cleveland. Yeah. There's one guy that follows me on Twitter who's always favorites my tweets and I just see as the Indians logo. I think his name is Eddie Stahl. Shout out Eddie Stahl. All right.

Eddie. Trying to get these guys to come to Cleveland. Is Cleveland part of the Rust Belt? Yeah. It isn't, that's like a bad, a sad name for it because it's like defunct factories and stuff. Yeah. That's why they call it the Rust Belt.

We're like coming out of a depression I guess. Yeah. Like in the past five years. Because of LeBron. Yeah. So what happens when he leaves? I think, I don't know, I don't want to think about that. The Indians are doing well so we'll have them.

The Windians. Well, if they don't win tonight we're out. Oh right. Oh right. It's Indians against Yankees. That's your team. That's right. You guys should watch this baseball game.

I'll be on it. Pair to play. It's a way to do it. Sure. I will... Tell you what, let's both take Instagram pictures of our penises. All right. And then whoever...

What's the bet though? Winner gets to take one now. Oh, five bucks? That's not bad. Anything else you guys find? What is the most attractive and least attractive name? Ooh. The answer to both.

How? Anya. Is that right? I think a really attractive name is like... I was just thinking about this. Bianca. That's good. I think a really attractive name is like a really delicious fruit.

Yeah, yeah. Like... Strawberry? No, like... Durian. Yeah. Berry. Like Berry Obama or like banana.

Nothing's hotter than a banana and nothing's uglier than a broccolini. Hi, I'm broccoli raw. Broccolini raw. Broccolini cob. Hi, cob. How come I can't open jars the first time right now? Because you're weak. Asshole.

Do you watch Curb? Do you see the last episode where it's like everyone wants to be the pickle hero? Is that the new season? Yeah. I haven't seen it yet. Whenever someone can't open a jar, everyone's like, I can open it. Let me open it. And then there's the whole like, oh, I loosened it for you.

No. I think the... My hand made it like more malleable. The trick is to lock your wrist. So you're not turning it with your hand, like you're turning it with like your arm. Yeah. There's a great... It's great to like really go like 100% and then get it at the end, but it's really sad

to go 100% and then like still not be able to do it. Yeah. That's never happened to me. Oh, really? Never. That's really cool. That's awesome, right? It's not true, but it's pretty fucking cool.

I don't know how to answer that. It's like a greasy little ketchup top. My hands are wet. I can still fucking pop. Autist fan encounter? Oh, hottest fan encounter. There was that hot fan. Oh, you.

I said, the Autist fan encounter. Oh. You're at full mass. You're fully erect. How is this okay? Autist. The two twins in London? Yeah.

We got followed around for a little bit by the two twins. I thought it was just so funny because it seemed like, I mean, they were drunk, which was fine, but we were all drinking with, you know, with all of our friends in this bar. Right. And like some of the people from the show had like come up to the bar and these two British twins just like, we're acting like they were the only twins in the entire world. And they kept on coming up to us and being like, hey, twins, yeah? Yeah.

Look. Yeah, two of you. Twins. Twins. As it were. As if we don't have a podcast on this network. Yeah. By twins.

I guess that is, you guys are twins, but we've seen it before. It's not super original. It's hard to talk about odd fan encounters because odds are all those people are still listening to the show. Of course. But I mean, there have been like, I guess odd is different than. I guess I didn't mean like, that the fans were odd, but like the oddest circumstance. Like weirdest place that you have been recommended.

It happened to me twice where I got, where I was recognized by like a big fan on an airplane and then I sat next to them for the entire flight, which is like one of the times I made like great friends with the people. And I like still taught and we like went and did a show at Yale and we like saw them. Oh yeah. Um, but then like, there are other times where you have to, you like have, I don't know. I do embarrassing shit on planes. So like, I could like the person a lot, but like, I want to stuff my face with a sandwich

a shitty movie. Yeah. But also like lose your animity in a sense where it's like, that you know that person knows you and it just kind of makes like, then you can't be yourself. Yeah, exactly. They're on stage. Yeah. You know, don't meet your heroes or something.

Like I, I, yeah, I sat next to Jake on a plane and he was farting and picky his nose the entire time. Yeah. Just want to be me. Just me being me, you want me to tone it down, you know, that's what Eminem said, you know, right? Go ahead. Sorry.

Okay. All right. If they had made a movie slash television show about you guys, what actors would you choose to play each other? Ooh. What's it? Is that it? Yeah.

What actors would play you in a movie? You would choose me and Jeff and then I would choose Jeff and you. And then Jeff would try to do a standing back flip in that corner. I see. Why do I have to do that? I don't know. I'm just reading the questions, man. That's all in that tweet.

Not the subtext. So you would be played by McLovin. Christopher Minsplass. Christopher Minsplass. And Jeff would be played by, who do you look like? People tell me I look like that guy from the OA, but I don't know if he has the range. You think you, you're the one, your doubt you have is that he's not good enough of an actor.

I think that would be, what is it? What's the guy's name from the Indian guy from Big Bang Theory? No. Ripley's believe it or not. Oh, Dean Cain. Oh, that's pretty good. A young Dean Cain. I know who that is.

You don't know who Dean Cain is? No. Dean Cain is a great reference. Yeah. Let me see. A Dean Cain. Yeah. Or like a Mario Lopez.

Yeah. Jesus. Let me see Dean Cain. You got to do young Dean Cain though. My nickname and my fraternity was Russell Peters. Because, yeah, he's like a Canadian comic, but that's just because it was like the only Brown stand up that people knew. Yeah, I can see that.

Jesus Christ. No, of course not. That looks like Jeff from the Eyebrows Down. And for you, I would choose none other than America's sweetheart, Shelley Duvall. Who's that? You're ravishing. Thank you. You're absolutely ravishing.

It's insane. No, I think you look like the mentalist. Who's that guy? Oh. Simon? No. Is it? I know who you're talking about because people have said that to me before.

Yeah. Fuck, what was his name? The mentalist. Do you know what I'm talking about? No. It's not Scott Speedman, is it? Yeah. Oh, Simon Baker.

Let me see him. That's Simon Baker. Yeah. Yeah. I would maybe do Jake Gyllenhaal for Jake. Jake Gyllenhaal? Yeah. I don't know the name, Jake, and I'm just hot.

No, it's just like the beard growth patterns in the eyes and then a mirror body on. And Jake Gyllenhaal's brown hair and a beard. You've never seen an actor dye their hair? He's never been blonde. Never been blonde. Well, he will go blonde for this role. You look like Marty. I'm serious.

This guy fucking looks like Marty Michael. And Marty was born first, so you know Jake copy. Actually, Jake Gyllenhaal can be like, if me and Jake had a hot son, this is what would come out. That doesn't even look like him. You don't think Jake Gyllenhaal at all? That doesn't look like Jake Gyllenhaal at all at all. The Jake Gyllenhaal I know looks exactly like Jake.

Okay, so you don't know the right one. He's talking about Marty. Reverse bucket list, what is something you will never do again? Oh. Right. David Zaragoza. That's from Reddit. Yeah, that was a Reddit question today.

That's fine. It's a great question. What would you never do again? Never do again. But you've done it once. Oh, I got a good one. High school. Why would I ever go back?

It's not a fun answer. Oh, sorry. Of course, no one would do that again. That's sort of like gaming the question. Yeah, all right, junior high. I feel like I'm on high alert now. Never do again. Yeah, then my 15th birthday then.

Oh, that's pretty good. Why am I be skydiving? Oh, you never do it again. You would never do it again? Yeah. I had an amazing time. I recommend everyone does it. Once.

But I did that when I was like in my mid or early 20s. And now I'm afraid. I've grown fearful in my old days. You've done more. You've accomplished more. And now you could like, if you did die. I could lose it all. I know.

That's fair. I don't know. I sometimes think about like, I can't believe that I jumped out of a plane and I couldn't imagine doing it. Sometimes I just lie awake at night thinking like, that was cool. Did you do it? No. Yeah.

I do it often. Yeah. I often think how cool I am. Jeff actually lies awake thinking about you skydiving. Yeah. And how cool I am. Do you have one? Huh.

You want it serious or you're crazy? Let's go serious. What's SEM satellite radio? What are your favorite college humor moments? Just because that cake email seemed to really, people liked. Oh, favorite college humor moment. The all nighters stand out where we stayed up all night making videos. Yeah.

Do you remember that time? This just reminds me of it when Josh, our bosses, Josh and Ricky had a $100 gift certificate to like Nobu. Yeah. Like a really fancy sushi place and they said they were going to give it to the person who stayed in the office the longest. That's so funny. And me and Amanda, Iowa and Chris Collins all stayed in the office for four straight days.

And then I think in the end, me and Amanda like held hands and walked outside at the same time and we split the gift certificate, but we've still never, ever gone to Nobu. That's so funny. So did you know that that was the challenge or you got to work that day? I got to work that day. So you weren't prepared for it? I was actually uniquely prepared because I think I had like, because I can hold my breath. I had come in, I had come in from visiting my girlfriend at college or something.

I had a backpack. I had like all of my stuff. Interesting. Jeff, do you have a favorite college humor memory? I didn't work there. Oh, I guess not. Loser. We ruled.

Let's take a break. We'll come back with more questions and answers. Lightning round style. Up, up, up, up lightning round style. Fuck. Later. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp.

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And we've returned. Jeff, are you any closer to making your own podcast? I feel like the people are in need of it at this point. I really am interested. I just don't. It has to be a self-sustaining idea. This is something that I've said again, open to pitches and the one pitch that I got from the last time I was I was pretty good.

Oh, well, what's that? It was like pitchfake movie. I think it's something along the lines where you have guests on and you pitch fake movie ideas, cast and then do improvised scenes or something. But I feel like, I don't know, something in that, something that like people who don't know me would still enjoy the show because I feel like not enough people know who I am for it to just be like, oh, like the Jeffrey James podcast. Well, all of our listeners know who you are now.

If you're listening to this podcast, I love that, by the way. So would you like take pitches like synopsis, like a log line? Yeah, it would be a fan submitted. A fan submits a log line. Movie title or log line. I feel like, yeah, or log lines, it would have to just be like a fan submits a brief synopsis, maybe like you set the character limit, right? Yeah.

Because part of the fun is going to be coming up with a log line. Coming up with the title, coming up with the cast, the trailer and then the scenes. But that's like, there's so much improvising. And yeah, what if they can just provide you with one of them and then you'd have to extrapolate based on there? Yeah, I'd provide you a punny title. Somebody else might provide you a premise. Somebody else might just provide you with the cast, right?

Like I'll say Rob Schneider and then I have to get Schneider in the room. That's right. Oh, that's very hard to sustain. Do you want to get all the cast in the room? Try Monthly released. So what's every three months? That's every three months. It's not three times a month.

No, that's thrice monthly. No, not in this case. And that's the name of the show. Thrice Monthly. Yep. A bi-monthly podcast star Jeff Monthly. Your last name is Monthly. M-U-N.

Anything else to talk about before we just dive right back into these lightning round styles? Oh, new announcement. The next, we're doing two more Head Gum live shows at UCB. They're not for a while, but Head Gum, UCB Sunset, November 16th at 8.30 p.m. Thursday. It was that 8.30 slot, huh? Yeah, Thursday too.

Better day of the week. Damn. December 16th, Saturday night, 7 p.m. Saturday night. Saturday night. Saturday night. Saturday night. Saturday night.

Saturday night. Okay. So that'll be the show. Don't come. You already heard it. It's a music cow. Uh, cool. Where can people get tickets?

Head Gum.com, perhaps? Uh, it'll be UCBtheater.com, but they're not released yet. Of course. Right. It'll be. Packing lunches is time-consuming, writes Brennan Spinney. What are your favorite easy-to-pack lunches to bring to work? Hmm?

Packing lunches is time-consuming, writes Brennan Spinney. What are your favorite easy-to-pack lunches to bring to work? What's that? Packing lunches. Jesus. Packing. I don't really bring lunch to work. Yes, you do.

You bring lunch to work more than anybody else in the office. Well, that's, uh, my lovely fiance does that for me. Wow. Sometimes. And it's not. Cod. That's right. Tupperware.

He's so glazed at. That's usually just like, we cook dinner, and if there's leftover dinner, we put it in a Tupperware. And if there isn't. But if you didn't make the dinner. If I didn't make the dinner, then her ass gets up early and makes me lunch. That's enough. I make dinner every single night. I never, ever go out to dinner.

Really? Never go out to dinner. Oh, that's the life. My kitchen's such shit. It's like, it's like, it's like a really long, skinny room. It's like what bread lounge used to be. Hashtag boycott bread lounge, by the way. And it's just, it's so bad to cook in the appliances are from the 1960s.

It's not a good spot for that. Your kitchen's pretty nice because it's like, it's like a you. So you can turn around, get everything, you know, it's got counter space. It's got, it's got the oven. Much like the new bread lounge. Hashtag boycott bread lounge. Yeah, thank you. I appreciate that.

How's the AC situation? Because I remember in your house the last time the loft was excruciatingly hot. Oh, I'm glad you asked. The air conditioning has been fixed. Still doesn't reach the loft, but it's gotten cold enough that it doesn't matter. Right. Is that going to become the master? It will, ideally by next summer, become the master.

Okay. The loft in the upstairs of my house. Oh, you'll get the air conditioning figured out. Yeah, that's, yeah. It's, it's not that expensive, especially now that I saw how much planning a wedding is, I'm like, oh, I could do the AC 300 times. Just don't make me plan the wedding. Yeah, all I have to do is not get married.

Meanwhile, the heater broke. Of course. Yeah. So that's going to get cold. Oh, it's freezing. And I have not had the gumption to fix it. The gall. I haven't had the gall to make the call there.

Make the call. Have the wherewithal to make the call. Well, I made the, I made the call. They came to the house, uh, and, and they got, and I got the quote. You got the quote. That's all you need. I didn't, well, you need to, you're a journalist, right? No, you have to, then you have to have them come over and fix the fucking

gaskets. And I just shoved the quote in the wall and it became like you faxed the, you faxed your furnace and it can just diagnose the problem. As long as you have the quote, if only, actually, speaking of faxes, did you guys read the one about having a fax coming out of your asshole? Yeah, I did. Wait, it was, oh, here we go. Nope.

Charlie Garza writes, would you guys rather be able to carbonate anything with your fingertip or be able to use your butt as a fax machine? You can use your phone as a fax machine. Yeah, of course, the carbonate one. Carbonate. Yeah. But which one is, will it, which one is a better party trick? Carbon, the carbonate, the carbonate.

People are drinking at the party, not faxing at the party. We're both at a party and it's a lit little club. And you want to shove a piece of paper into your ass? No, I don't shove it in. It's a fax. Well, you put things into the fax too. Have you ever seen how a fax works? So Jake's in the corner like fucking sticking his dirty ass fingers in a

water turning into club soda. Meanwhile, it's probably about your asshole. He's by himself. Meanwhile, I'm fucking spread eagle on the dance floor. Shorty called 911, this fire is burning. There's faxes coming right out of my rectum. Seriously, just fucking call 9 7 9 5 5 5 8 8 5 2. Don't just give away Marty's number.

And there's there's legit paper faxes coming out of my asses. Yeah. Yeah, no, of course, you'd be alone there in that scenario as well. That's both are bad party tricks. But if you need one, the carbonate thing, because at least it has it with drinking. Even even if it wasn't coming out of your ass, it's all a fax. All right, relax, man, you're getting all like, you know what? I'm not going to relax.

You're all in my face. It's all we're sharing a bike. Danny Chinchilla writes, in your opinion, what's the best sitcom of all time? Arrested Development. Friends. But Arrested Development is really up there. Those are my two tops. I just I grew up on that.

It's really funny because I grew up, I guess I think I grew up on friends, but really like fine tuned the comedy on Arrested Development. Yeah. So if you grew up on Arrested Development, where do you where do you find tuned? What did you like when you were in like high school and college? Shit. Well, you're still in college. Right. Yeah.

Silicon Valley, I guess. No shit. Well, which is so funny, because like your friends on that show. Yeah. Yeah. Like the people that we came up with. Yeah. And have totally eclipsed us. I dream of Genie.

I dream of Genie is the best sitcom of all time. And I say that without ever seeing a single episode. You know how I know? How? Because it's black and white. It's smart. And it's so, so funny. You wouldn't know those past two.

Yeah. You haven't seen an episode. Because you would know that it's black and white. But then smart and funny is like you haven't seen that. Let's take it from the top. I love Lucy is the bar none, the best sitcom of all time. And you know how I know. All right, nice.

Well, you don't have to see. Nobody else even said why it was. I haven't seen a single episode. And I'll give you five reasons. All right, Lucy, Lucille Ball is has it all. It's so funny. Number two, three, the acting on the show is second to three. You wouldn't know that you wouldn't know any of this.

The right, the editing that it took to make that show was second to one. It's almost a second second. It's also a multi cam sitcom. So the editing, it's all alive. It's a control room. All right. All right, five is just that it's a gem. It would be a gem for reasons one through four.

I guess I'm old fashioned. You're not old fashioned. You're not. Yeah. All right, I'll say Seinfeld then. Nice. Cool. What else you guys got?

What's a coy way for me to call out a girl for flirting with me a lot while having a boyfriend? I don't want to be too confrontational about it. What is the question? Calling out a girl for flirting with you when she has a boyfriend. Just don't flirt back. But like he's so a girl is flirting with you and she has a boyfriend. Yeah, it's how do I call that out? Yeah, just shut up.

Yeah. What do you say? Relax. You're saying shut up or you're relaxing? You're telling this guy to shut up and relax. So he says shut up and relax. No, it's not his business. What do you mean?

I'm telling him to get out of here. Wait, you're telling her to get out? I'm saying no, I'm saying just calm down, back away, back away. Who are you telling that to? All right, never mind. What's the juicest thing you do on a daily basis? Try to answer that without being an anti-Semite chef. I had an extremely likely.

It's an anti-Semitic question. I had to answer it even would be anti-Semitic. What's the most Jewish thing you like? Perhaps the... Locke's. Right? Rice? Do you like Locke's?

Yeah, Wexler's is a pretty good man. Yeah. It's a pretty Jewish thing. Jake, what's the most Jewish thing you do? Um, make cash. Yeah, make cash or touch my circumcised penis. That's good. Make cash go away.

Is there a perfect number of friends to hang out with? Four. Four total? Oh yeah, unless you're at a party, in which case, four hundred. No, I like nine. That's your answer to the sitcom question too. Perfect amount of friends to hang out? Depends, there's so many factors.

What do you do when you got dinner, yet you got a bar or... Drinks. Drinks? Like, like casual drinks. No. Yoo-hoo's, ten a.m. It's Tuesday and everyone's late. The only place that I know that sells Yoo-hoo's is the liquor store on my street.

One soylent, five straws, how many friends? Five then, I guess. Total? No, five drinking it, ten in line. No, all right, perfect amount. You're hanging out Saturday night having fun. I think eight maybe. Depends if there's couples involved, because that changes everything.

Yeah, yeah, somewhere between four and eight seems to be the answer. I'll go four, total. Sushi or nachos, right? It's Creusel, Brandon, or Brandon. Brandon, Creusel, if you're ordering it correctly. Sushi, the raw or the better? The raw or the raw. Sushi or what?

The what or the raw. As raw as possible, Sashimi. Raw or still. Raw. Spicy tuna sticky rice. Sushi or nachos? Oh, nachos. Really?

I mean, they're both so good. But if you had to choose two. Oh, do I have to choose two? Sushi and nachos. So you can say both. Pasta and nachos. But yeah, if you can only eat one for the rest of your life or you couldn't, you have to sacrifice one for the rest of your life.

Oh. I'd sacrifice sushi for the rest of my life. You'd sacrifice nachos? Nachos, for sure. Yeah, because sushi's pretty, I'm going to make the pun, but rare. So like you can you can get rid of nachos and then have like a quesadilla. No, you can't. Scratch that it.

Yeah, you can. Absolutely. You're for going melted cheese. A quesadilla is a sin. At all. You can't have any of the ingredients. That's not fine. Then I could have a poke bowl because that's technically.

Oh, really? Yes. Just thought I don't really like fucking. So I can have sashimi and that sushi. No. What do you mean? No, sashimi is sushi. Poke is poke.

You'll never see poke at at at coin. I really do think you'll never see a poke bowl at coin. And vice versa. You'll never see a koi bowl at poke. That's yeah, also correct. Opinion on the new Star Wars trailer, right? To Noah Levy. Have you guys seen it?

No, no, me either. All right, next question. Somebody asked me what kind of wallet I have. And I was just trying to look because I think this person asked me twice, at least somebody else did on Twitter. I have a bellroy. Beautiful huntry. And that's going to give him hell, boy.

I think it looks like it is. Is this a ill busetto? Yeah, ill busetto. It says I key on your wallet. What are you talking about? Fuck off, dude. Yours says container store. That's enough.

Yours says toys are us on the outside. It's actually really enough out of you. So the first time it wasn't really enough? Yeah, the first time I said that's enough. But that was time for you to cool it. So you sort of turn it, turn the car off, you know, wind it down. But now you got to knock it off. It's not just about cooling it anymore.

I'm going to say one more cool. No, because you I got to knock it off. I see that says, J.C. Penny, all right, that's it. Jeff, you got one. Yeah, what's what aspect of running a podcast network is the most unfun and why? It's probably like a choosing the health insurance.

Yeah, probably taxes. Oh, yeah, taxes. That's the worst one. Yeah, taxes. Oh, working with Whitney. That's pretty bad. I didn't think about that. But I think taxes might even be worse than that.

Well, she's our accountant. What? She's the accountant. So it's all sort of sweat. It's like a sushi sashimi thing. Right, right, right, right. All right, what's what's the most fun part? Oh, most fun, maybe shooting the videos.

Really? Yeah, maybe day to day. Yeah, yeah, but that's all I do here. So so you got the most fun job. Congrats, dude. Well, shooting them is the most fun. The least fun is editing. Yeah, but it's also like, especially the one that's coming out.

I guess it will be out when this is out. The Wake video, the Wake video is just fun to see. That was really fun to shoot. We're just singing for an afternoon. Which you'd been pressing me also to do. Like, we got to do an original song. I do want, I want to do an original song. I want to do a parody song.

Yeah. Here's one that actually reminds me of a question that I can ask you guys. So this one just says, would you ever consider being the lead in a movie? So I'm going to make that more specific. Jordan Quincy. What if JJ Abrams, who made the new Star Wars movie, is like, I want you to play the male lead of the new Star Wars movie. Knowing full well, you probably wouldn't be that good.

Would you still do it? I'd love to see either of you guys as the male lead, either of you holding a lightsaber is the funniest thing to me. La, would you be too scared to like ruin the movie? Or would you go fuck it? I'll heartbeat. You'll say, yeah, not even, you don't care. You don't care.

I will, I would kill it. What if he offered you the female lead? And I had to be in drag the whole time? No, you just have to wear a wig. Well, and a dress or something? Yeah, a dress. What do you think drag is? Make up fair.

Well, if you have to be in makeup for, if you're a guy in the movie too. That's true. I guess I would have more concerns because that's sort of a, it's a problem in Hollywood that people are, that roles for people go to people that are unqualified. Yeah. But if there's like a white boy lead and they give it to me and I would take it, but if it's like, Jake, you have to play a woman.

I'd be like, why, why don't you cast a woman? And they'd be like, we want you instead. I guess I'd be like, talk to my reps. Oh my God, you want to take it. You're what's wrong with Hollywood. I wouldn't do it. I would take a character role. You wouldn't take the lead.

I would take the funny man that has like four scenes. That's not being offered to you. Then I'm out, JJ. You're out as the lead. I'm out. You're saying no thanks to the John Boreaga character in the Last Star Wars movie. No way I do justice. No way I want that cash.

I want to earn my money. I want to earn my money. Let's play around on set all day and then somehow get paid. Yeah, I'd be too afraid that like that would be it. I would be like the guy from the room where it's like, who is this asshole? I see in this movie, he's ruining Star Wars. Well, just look at what they would hate Christianson. People hated in like the origin or then the, the, uh, the sequels.

Yeah, the prequels. And he was probably better than I can do, but it helps it. Well, I guess, and now he'll never work in this town again. He doesn't have to. He's in fucking Star Wars. I would definitely do it. All right. You guys got a few last questions.

We're almost out of time. Yeah. Oh, Claire Thomas says I'm going, I'm planning a solo vacation. Where should I go? How about Loserville? Because that's the only fucking place that would take you. If you don't have a friend to, sorry, I, I'd hate to cut you off before you. No, yeah, it's just that you checked it.

You went to, you went to a spa the other week in Santa Fe. Of course. You went to Truth or Consequences, New Mexico. Oh, I don't have a sweat lodge. Yeah, for a week. That's a long time vacation. That is it. Yeah.

Okay. Uh, where would you go on a solo journey? Do you want to go to the middle of nowhere? Cause you're by yourself or do you want to surround yourself by a lot of people because you're by yourself? That's a good question. Would you rather go to Yosemite or Tokyo? Hmm.

Between those two, I'd rather go to Yosemite. But if it was like Yosemite or like Nashville. Yeah. I mean, I don't think she's Nashville. It depends if it's international or not. I think if it's international, I would go to a European city. Probably it's when it speaks English though. Yeah.

Like I would go to Copenhagen or something. Oh, you'd go to Denmark. Yeah. Scandinavia or something. Yeah, Scandinavia would be really cool. Um, and then in America, in America, if you want to like go in America, you might as well go to Canada. My, I'm sorry.

Montreal is cool. I went to Chicago by myself once. That was pretty fun. Why? I was driving across the country by myself. And you stopped? Which is another thing I'd recommend if you, that's a good, that's a good move for a solo, a solo trip, I think.

Really? Drive across the country by yourself. I feel like I would get really sad. I mean, it, it had its highs and lows, but its highs were really high. Like I hiked Arches National Park by myself at sunset. It was like, it was like a religious experience. It was great. Yeah.

But then also I drove through Nebraska for nine straight hours and it was kind of sad, but then you, you got to have the peaks in the valleys. Uh, do you have a last question? Any good ones? I got, I got one that we might, that might be a good last one. Go for it. Uh, let me find who wrote it. Okay.

Here we go. Freddie Hodkin writes our final question. What is the best snack? Nuts. It's got to be nuts. Nuts is the worst snack. What are you talking about? They're dry, natural little nuggets.

I don't want to, uh, you said natural. You said natural, like being natural is a bad part. If it's gross. The worst part about nuts is that they're natural. No, yeah. The best snack is made in a factory whose job it is to create the best taste. Cheetos. That's what you say, huh?

Goldfish. That's what you say. Cheetos. That's what you say, huh? Goldfish, you fucking loser. By the way, you're like a raw cashew. Your favorite snack, your favorite snack is wheat fins. By the way, somebody, you like the best, the factory that made the best fucking

taste in all the world made a cracker. They basically taste like a knife. If somebody gave your best snack in the world for Halloween, they'd be a social pariah. That'd be do not go to that house. That house gives nuts. We have different, we have different qualifications for this question. Clearly, because I was taking health into account.

I wasn't just taking into account taste. It doesn't say what's the healthiest snack. Well, best to me is when it's not going to kill my ass. It's not going to kill you to have a few chips. Anyway, thoughts? Jeff, I was going to say hummus and pita chips. Jeff's right. That's an answer I can say by watching.

Hummus and pita chips is good. Yeah, yeah. Or even just pita. That's nice. But ideally chip, pita chips. Stasis, maybe? Yes, yes. Which is also the best hangover cure.

I like actually like pita bread and night of hangover cure. If we're going specific, I really like the air ritz crackers. There's like air baked ritz crackers. They taste like ritz, but they're baked, so they're crispy and salty. Interesting. If we're going just general, like whatever, I'll say like barbecue potato chips, because I think those are good. I like more of a like a meat and cheese plate or something.

Yeah, like a prosciutto with some cheese and crackers. A prosciutto. Rapton melon. No melon for me. I theory in hand. No melon. Rapton papaya. I would like a big old plate filled with like it's got turkey,

it's got prosciutto, it's got ham, it's got salami, it's got pepperoni, and it's got a couple different artisanal cheeses. Of course, you have a piece. You don't have to specify that. No, no, what's it served on? Is it a serving board or? It's a serving platter. You already said that.

I let me finish. Fucker. It's a serving board is what I was going to say. What meats would be on it though? It doesn't matter. Oh, the meats? He asked me about the meats. I just, which meats is all?

Turkey, ham, salami. Got it. Turkey. You already said that. Pistrami. Yeah, and we already said that. Just in terms of the cheeses. There's no artisanal or no.

There are artisanal cheese. What does it matter? And it's goat cheese, it's raspberry, it's an aged cheddar. Asiago. OK. Agriera. Awesome. And it's served on.

He already said it's a board. I didn't describe what kind of board it was. Because it's sort of like a live edge wood cutting board with a stone. What's the best snack? What is the snack? Oh, it's meat and cheese. Oh, yeah. Do you know what kind of meat?

Which kinds of meats are on there? I was looking at their phone right now that sees this podcast is nine hours long. Like, wait a second. They're in the middle of Nebraska. They don't give a shit. I would agree with that. Either their hummus and peed of chips or cheese and pleat meat.

Pleat meat? Mm-hmm. Pleat meat. Yeah. All right, we're done. Thanks. Thanks for asking the questions, everybody, on Twitter. Thanks to Jeff for joining us in the studio.

Thanks for having me. We might have set a record at this one. The opening theme song was written by Don Keonion. Closing one was written by Kenya Kenye. This guy gave instructions on how to pronounce his name and I couldn't even follow them. It was like, oh, God. He's built an M-K-E-N-Y-A slash K-E-N-Y-A.

That was what he said. So, Kenye, Kenye, slash. Pronounced Kenya because English speakers often pronounce the N-Y-A like N-Y-A. So I don't know what you want me to say, man. His Twitter is Kendrick Jean. So that's what I'll say. Hashtag boycott bread lounge.

One more plug. Ran Simon. His name is Ran, right? Name is Ran Simon. Get his ass. What does that mean? It means follow me on Twitter. Don't play no James hashtag boycott bread lounge, please.

Those are your last plugs. Yeah. All right, we'll be back next week. Thanks for listening, everybody. Bye. Peace. Yeah. This one goes out to my nigga, Jay.

If I were you, it's a podcast show you should be listening to. And there's nowhere to go. Let these two Jews give you clues. Let me choose on whether or not you should cut back on the boost. But let's just say that your girl just left you. But you were broke down. So then far from the best you. And the need to laugh is so far away.

Play the cast off your ass. Have her fall away. There's Jake. He's a real slick dude. Play on type slants. He can't be crude. And there's no keep track. Take your count on all of the news that he's viewed.

And there's Amir. He has dark hair, I guess. Jake and Amir have a podcast show. It's called, if I were you, thought I'd let you know. Jake. Jake. Jake. Jake.

Jake. Jake. Jake. Jake. If I were you. That was a hate gum podcast.