If I Were You - 298: Smoking Ferns (w/Megan Batoon!)

Episode Date: October 23, 2017

Dancer, YouTuber, and new friend Megan Batoon joins us to discuss airports, alcohol, and her delicious cookies.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. Growing old ain't got a clue about what you ought to do. When your friends have turned their backs to now it's you and only you. When you're looking for some guidance about which path you've got to choose. Turn on the podcast, put your faith in these two Jews. If I were you Show you If I were you

Show you If I were you Show you You should at gmail.com I love when the email address is the chorus. Yeah, in general, not just for our theme song. Yeah, like a Britney Spears song that ends in like gmail or dot com. Yeah, crazyatme.fm

Megan Mattoon Hi What'd you think? I loved it. I loved the story of the year vibe we got going on there. The screaming at the end. Ooh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was like an acoustic, simple plan-ish. That guy's name was Isaac.

RIP's simple plan, geez Louise. Isaac Lassage. Lassage. And he's got a record on Spotify iTunes called Doldrums. So if you dig this song, you can listen to the whole record on Spotify. Doldrums. Doldrums. Doldrums.

Yeah, Isaac Lassage and Doldrums. Cool, thanks, Isaac. Thanks, Megan, for stopping by. Yeah. Holy shit, how did you get here? How did this happen? What happened? What happened for me to get here?

You know, I have no idea. Yeah. But I'm glad I'm here. Is it the universe putting us together, maybe? I think so. That's such an interesting thing because everyone in my life right now, I met on the internet. Wait, where were you? Well, first of all, just for those, for the listeners who don't necessarily know who you

are, what, what are you? Who are you? Yeah. Why are you? And when are you? And how long until you're not you anymore? Yeah. When do you stop?

When's my expiration date? What makes you stop? Like, where's your pause button? I'm, I, a lot of things, I guess, dancer. I do YouTube a lot. People probably know me from there, if they follow you as well. YouTube is what we share, I guess. Yep.

But yeah, mainly just dancing YouTube. So you dance on YouTube. I do that too. And then you all see you. She does comedy and dance on YouTube. Yeah. Do you ever do comedy? And cook, yeah.

Cookie making, yeah. You did bring us the best cookies I've maybe ever had. Whoa. Or at least tied with jakesmomscookies.com. Hey, it's fine. I know the truth. They're tantamount, maybe. Good use of tantamount.

Thanks, man. Did you ever take, did you ever take the SATs? I think so. Do you ever have to, like, study those vocab, it was like 100 vocab words that were on the SATs. I think tantamount was on there. I don't think I did a good job on the SATs. You don't even remember?

Uh-uh. But it doesn't matter now. Yeah. Nothing is going to matter now. The lockdown. Nothing's going to matter anyway. We're all going to die someday. It doesn't matter if I got a 1600 or a nine on my SATs.

You got a nine. Yeah. I did see that you had a nine. You got a four math and five verbal. Grand total of a nine. Yeah, real fucking funny, dude. I actually did pretty fine on my SATs. It was a 10.

I got an eight. I got a straight eight. 10.9. When you took them, were they out of 2400? I can't, I couldn't even tell you a single thing besides that it was called the SATs. Where was this in Florida you took them? Yeah, because there was ACTs and there's SATs. That's right.

And I honestly don't know the difference. One of them was in color and one of them was black and white. And that's all I remember. That was just your memory. That's how long ago it was when you took them. Yeah. And how much I love color. Did you go to college?

I did, but I went to a private art school. So it didn't really matter. I just learned a bunch of art history. Oh, that's cool. And then I dropped out to be a dancer. Oh, really? You dropped out to dance? Me too.

To be a dancer? Yeah. How's that going? It's fine. I'm dancing. I'm pretty good. Dancing on my own. You don't see me at the Virgil?

Just cutting a rug. Literally with scissors in the corner. Yeah, it's weird. They kicked me out. I'm a carpet guy. I'm a vandal. I install a carpet. And then when'd you move to LA?

Right. So I dropped out to do step up four. Oh, like legit dance. Like you were dancing for cash. For cash? You were in movies to dance. Dancing for cash doesn't make it sound that legit. I could still be a stripper.

A lot of people don't dance for cash. That's a small subsection of dancing. Yeah, they dance for a lot of it. Step up four. Okay, so you were in step up four. Yeah. Yeah, and then I was like, got a strike while the iron's hot, and then I came out to LA and then didn't book a single dance job and then just started doing YouTube videos.

And that was doing pretty well. Damn. Good work. Well, I think you've listened to our show before, correct? I have. So it's an advice podcast. People will email us. They're confused.

They're stuck in their life in some way, shape, or form. Jake and I do our best to give them guidance. Sometimes it's just us. Sometimes we have a friend. Sometimes we have a new friend that gave us eight delicious chocolate chip cookies. There were seven. Oh, eight, one. Oh, you have one?

Jesus. And then you retied the bow so neatly. I actually ate it before I put it in the box. I just want to make sure they're okay. Oh, they were okay. They were very okay. What's the most cookies like that you've had in a day? Of mine or like chips ahoy?

Of those. The fucking entire, oh, of mine, maybe five. That's a lot. I know. I could put away five in a sitting, though. Like that's not even throughout the day. What's your milk? Are you milking it?

Oh, that's the thing. I like original, just whole milk. Straight whole. Yeah. I like almond milk in things, but if you're eating cookies, almond milk is not. Straight whole. You got to have milk. Just a fucking glass of that white, that creamy white.

Yeah. I love that. Jesus. Relax. That's that old school shit. You don't see people in LA having whole milk. I don't. Never call milk that creamy white ever again.

That pint of that glassy ass white shit. No. That sweet, that nasty, that white shit. Why is it sweet and nasty? It's absolutely nasty. There's seeds in it. You're not drinking milk. You've never had it before.

You put a little milk. It's so clear to me now that you've never had milk. I've had that grainy shit. That's not milk. That salty shit. That's okay. So I think you're, I think it's straight up semen that you're talking about. Absolutely.

But a pint of it. And it's cold. It's thick. All right. Anyway, we got a question from a lady in Toronto. Megan, do you have a fake name to give this lady so we can refer to her? A lady in Toronto. Yeah.

Chartreuse. That's good. Nice. Thanks. Last name? Do you want one? Never mind. Not anymore.

That's her last name. You're already sweating a lot. Chartreuse, do you want one? All right. Chartreuse, do you want one? Right. I'm a 22 year old female from Toronto seeking surprise relationship advice. I've been with my boy for almost two years now and we are an interracial and a long distance

for the first 1.5 years of our relationship couple. Since being reunited with him, I'm learning more and more about him. One of them being, he's an absolute dick to his mother. I witnessed an argument where he raised his voice and told her to fuck off. I couldn't believe it. Things cooled down and eventually apologized and worked it out. When my boyfriend asked what was wrong, I told him I was in disbelief that he talked to his mother like that.

Mother. Oh mother. I told him that this is the first time I'm seeing a major cultural difference between us. I would never use, I would never, my right spine, mind speak to my parents the way he did. It's clear that it's just how he's talked to his mom for years and he thought it was fine since they work things out in the end.

However, I don't think that makes it okay. Do you guys believe there's a lot to deduce from how a man treats his mother? Mother. Oh mother. Is it a- So, for instance, this way is creepy. Is it a red flag? Do you think douchebaggery and poor treatments of mothers correlate?

Thanks for your help. Love. Chartreuse. Do you want one? God. Megan, thoughts. You're a lady who's- For sure.

I am a lady. Who could be potentially seeking partners and maybe you've seen how they treat their mothers. Yeah. Have you ever noticed that as a thing? Yeah. I dated someone that talked to his mom so much more lax than I have ever talked to my mom.

Oh, like he'll say bitch and call her her first name and stuff. Yeah. Well, maybe not the bitch part, but definitely- Right. Well, maybe not even the first name part. Will he say damn girl to his mother? If she was looking fine that day. Damn girl.

You're looking fine that day. I love those juicy couture sweatpants, mother. Why is the mom wearing this? Ma'am, Maddie, you look great, mother. I think there's a direct correlation to how a guy treats his mom to how he's going to treat his girlfriend though. Right. So I don't like that for her.

Because those are like the two biggest women in his life is the mom and potentially the partner. Right. So there is some sort of correlation there. Absolutely. It's not like treating mom like garbage and wife like a- Yeah. It's-

Goddess. I also, I think, I don't think that she sort of mentions it. I don't think this has anything to do with race or culture either. This guy just sounds like a unique asshole. There's no, everyone should be nice to their mom. Even white people? As a white person, I know you're very nasty to mother. I'm nasty to your mother.

Exactly. My mother is a queen. Your mother's a peasant. You did text her yesterday saying such. I didn't appreciate that, by the way. Yes, yes, yes. She doesn't know how to cook. She doesn't know how to clean.

She doesn't know how to rear children. Rear them? Yes. That's right. So, only one of them became doctors, didn't they, mother? The other is a successful developer. The other mother. What are your thoughts on your other mother, your father?

My, oh, my other, my father? Yeah. I don't have a father. Yeah, you do. Well, you have a mom and a dad. I have a dad. I have a guy that was lucky enough to screw my mother one time. Bring me into the earth.

And his, I get, he gives me cash, which is fine. That's good. And that's nice. He's so supportive. Aside from that, he's, yeah, no, he's a, he's a skittle, to me. I hate skittles. Me too. I don't like skittles either, actually.

The worst candy. They are, they're a little too, they're hard on the teeth, I'm not really getting anything out of it. Trying so hard, it doesn't need to be like that. It's like they wish they were in Eminem. You have the coat, the shell, and then the inside is fucking shitty. It's like more shell. Yeah.

Try chocolate. They should be called shittles. Yeah. Oh, shit. Yeah. Shots fired, dude. That's skittles. We were kidding.

That was really nasty. You can learn a lot about a girl about how she treats skittles. I think you can learn a lot about a person by how they treat anybody, but mother especially, mother especially, that's the person that like, I mean, I guess I don't know how this person's relationship with, like how their mother raised them or whatever, but excuse me. Is it a red flag, basically, yes. Is it a red flag? It's kind of red.

Yeah. Definitely pink. More pink than white. I think this is a chartreuse flag. Oh. For sure. Chartreuse is pink, right? Burgundy.

I don't remember. As I said, I love colors. I felt like chartreuse was maybe blue. Oh, really? Is it? I'm getting, I'm getting a green. I want to go pink. Green.

Chartreuse. We're looking it up. Wow. Wait. That's cerulean is blue. It looks like almost like a lemon lime color. Uh-oh. Whoa.

Everybody was incorrect. I was thinking of like a salmon pink. I was thinking blue. Yeah. Wow. Look at that. Chartreuse. Now we know.

It's a chartreuse flag. Regardless. At the very least, we're learning. So maybe, I guess that's sort of true. It's a yellow flag. You should talk to him and figure out exactly where all this stems from. Yeah. But definitely proceed with caution and maybe stop, stop at the light because it's about

to turn red. Whoa. That's what's up. Traffic. And don't speed through the light because you'll get t-boned at the intersection. That's right. And you know who's driving that car. Hawk Hawk.

Who is it? His mommy. Careful. Mommy crossing. And you're about to get blindsided by mama. Oh, mother. Mother. Let's see if we can get a mother.

Mother. That's very good. Is that good? How's your relationship with your mom? Pretty good. Yeah, that's good. Yeah, she's awesome. All right, cool.

I really took a huge swing when I asked you that. I know. I'm glad it worked out well for everybody. How was your mom? What if she was like, it was fine. It was nice. Starts crying. Oh.

Oh. Runs out. I should have read your Wikipedia. Fuck. All right, we got another question from, ooh, I wonder if it's a lady. Let's go lady. Lady. Kim.

That's good. Nice. Car crash-ian. Oh. You should tweet that. Just that. That is bad. That's a two-word tweet.

You are bad. Let's do it. We're tweeting it now. We'll see how many retweets it gets by the end of this. Just Kim car crash-ian. Kim car crash-ian. All right. Kim car crash-ian writes, I have to go on a corporate retreat this weekend.

Oh, corporate retreats always suck, but this one's going to be exceptionally terrible for me. Where are we going? You asked. Great question. Exotic Bloomington, Indiana. What will we be doing? Going to a winery for a wine tasting.

Fun, right? No. Not for me. I don't drink. So it will be two hours of me watching my coworkers and bosses tasting and talking about wine and me just kind of nodding and smiling along. Then we are all going out on the town and hitting the bars. We're a law firm full of stuffy lawyers.

There is no way this will not be weird and boring. I have to go to this retreat, but is there any way I can make the best out of this situation where I can't drink and all there is to do is alcohol-related activity? Please help. Also, my best friend in the office just left, so I don't even have anyone to hang out with during the retreat. Thanks. Love?

Kim. Kim. Car. Crashing. What's your relationship with alcohol? Good. You drinking? Healthy.

You're not drinking? You drink sometimes? Yeah. I drink when it's worth it. That's good. That's a really good relationship then. Yeah. What about yours?

What about yours? I drink when it's worth it, but it's worth it a lot to me. All the time? Yeah. Every hour. It was worth it. It's always worth it. Yeah.

The fuck is worth it right now? Three cheers. I've been a demon Friday night until Sunday afternoon. Okay. When a demon is out, what is a demon looking for? I don't touch alcohol Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday. Narita drop. Narita drop.

Not a beer, not wine, nothing. I don't care for the way it makes me feel unless I'm actually going to party. I don't like getting buzzed at dinner. I don't like having a buzz and then brushing my teeth, getting ready for bed or something. It makes me sad. On Friday, that's when I'll drink nine whiskeys. The demon is loose. The demon awakes within me.

The demon is out. And the demon craves the brown liquid. Yes, the demon does. So I don't know if that's a healthy relationship. It's sort of like, you know that quote, everything in moderation, including moderation? Yep. I love that one. That's what it is.

So you're either going zero miles per hour, like 60. It's an unhealthy relationship with alcohol that only comes up one to two times a week. I think that's healthy then. It's only seven days. Being unhealthy two days out of the week is not great. Not unhealthy. You said it's a healthy amount except for one to two days a week. Unhealthy with alcohol, but not unhealthy like I'm doing lots of drugs or something.

Yeah. Well, yeah. Well, you could say alcohol is a drug. So Monday through Thursday, you're doing drugs. No drugs Monday through Friday. Well, that could almost be our advice for this person. This person's going to a wine tasting and she doesn't want to drink. Well, I don't know what her reasons are for not drinking.

Maybe she's an alcoholic and she doesn't drink anymore. Yeah, that's so. We're telling her to have a couple glasses of wine on the way to the street. What if it's just like, you know, those people, they're like, I just don't drink. I just don't drink. Do you have anybody like that in your life who's like, I just don't drink. I don't know why. I never got into it.

I don't drink at all. Yeah. I know one person, but there is a reason. His family has a history of alcoholism. Okay. That's a good reason. That's a solid reason. But you know what?

Stop coming at me with a, I don't like to not be in control. Yeah. Because like, you're not in control anyway. You know what I mean? Yeah. You're not in control. Yeah. You can have a fucking beer.

And don't come at me with like, I used to be really, really like an alcoholic and now I'm sort of starting to recover. You can have one wine. You can have two and stop. I'm sorry. It's called willpower and you either got it or you don't. You're an alcoholic. I am an alcoholic.

That's right. And what I'll do is I'll have four wines a night and then the demon comes out on the weekends and the demons when I just don't remember how many glasses I've had at all. What's your relationship with alcohol? I think it's the same as me, except you drink even less on the weekends. Yeah. When I'm, it seems like when I'm in a relationship, I don't drink at all because I don't need to be socially lubricated whatsoever.

And then when I'm single, I use it as a way of becoming more extroverted because if I'm out and everyone's like loud and having a good time and I'm not, and I'm completely sober, I don't feel. Yeah, the only reason. That's the worst. The only reason I drink alcohol really is to be able to dance. So you are just good all the time. I will take it.

Does alcohol make you a worse dancer? No. Alcohol makes me want to dance more. Oh, really? I'm pretty shy and introverted as a person. So if I'm out with a bunch of people and they're like, dance, I'm absolutely not. But if you give me like three glasses of wine, sure. If Will John is playing, the girl's on the floor.

Do you ever just go out dancing for fun or is it mostly like an at home thing? Is it like a class thing? Is it a professional thing? For sure, professional. I don't remember the last time I danced in a club. And when I do. How about a club? All the time at a club.

I'm just like two-stepping, feeling the weirdest about myself. Oh, really? But I just built a dance studio in my house, so I dance there for fun. That's pretty cool. Not really for fun. I do it when I should make stuff. Do you know those LA Municipal Dance Team, the ones that like performed during the Female Basketball League out here?

No. There's like a, there's a group of girls that dance kind of like, not professionally but more of like a fun hobby activity group bonding thing. It's called the LA Municipal City Dance Team. We have like a few friends on it and they seem to just dance like you do in a studio but with each other. Yeah. And then during like half time of these women's basketball games, they'll perform.

Cool. Yeah. You should look into that. I should. I mean, I'm not giving you a fucking email or a lead, but I'm just saying that's, that's your tip. Go off and figure that shit out. Google it.

I don't know if I said the name right, but it's not even, it's like that, but it's not that. But it's not that. I appreciate the nugget. You don't go out, you don't go out and dance at a bar or something like that. No. Do you? I used to.

Yeah, sometimes. Oh, that sounds cool. Why do you not? I feel like people judge me because they're like, you're a dancer in process. Oh. And it's like, well. We should go out with strangers that don't know. Does everybody know?

Fine. You need a new group of friends. I've been saying that to myself for a long time. Do you have any friends? Is that what it is? Hardly. All right. Keep giving out those chocolate chip cookies.

You're winning us over. Good. Give this person advice on the corporate retreat. Oh, right. Shrooms. Sorry. Shrooms. Oh yeah, do shrooms.

That way you're not drinking, but you're still kind of fucked up. I honestly was thinking the same thing, but I felt like if she wasn't drinking, maybe she wouldn't be into even just like weed. Shrooms. But maybe not shrooms. Yeah, ecstasy or something. Yeah, yeah, something like that. Any of them.

Yeah. Or a sugar high. I feel like she's going to be pleasantly surprised because all these stuffy lawyers who get trashed on a retreat are going to be insane. Yeah. It's going to be fun. You don't have to change your lens about it like, all right, this is going to be crazy, but not necessarily bad.

Yeah. Or has she considered not going? No, she ought to go. You have to go? No, I mean, you have to go. What if you're sick, then you can't go? Everybody will know. Everyone will know.

That's fine. They're all going to get trashed anyway. All right. Let's take a break. Let's thank some sponsors. We'll be back with more Megan. Meg? Anyone ever call you Meg?

One person? All right, Megan. And they didn't live to fucking tell about it. We'll be back with more Megan after this. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place.

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This is done entirely online, but you're still getting professional licensed help. And it's extra affordable. That's betterhelp.com slash if I were you. Check them out. Thanks, BetterHelp. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Wow. Years and years and years we've been ranting and raving about Squarespace because it's

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looks good. Let's launch it. Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you, Squarespace. Hey, and we're back. Are you working on anything special, unique, exciting right now? There's a few things that I should say, but I'm not going to. Because it's too early?

No, because I want to talk about other things. You don't want to jinx it? You don't want to talk about it? There's like shows and stuff that I'm hosting, but I feel like the coolest thing that I'm doing right now is dancing to songs that people should never dance to. Those are awesome. Thanks. Describe it to Amir.

Wait, you should watch one of these videos right now. Yeah, you should. One on my Twitter, it's like a pinned tweet. That's the easiest one. But what I do is I ask people for song suggestions that people have never danced to. They think people can't dance to, and the series is called So You Think You Can't Dance to This. And then I prove everyone wrong.

Like Tears in Heaven. Sure. And then do you ball out to it or are you slow dancing to it? Yeah, I do real dance moves. Oh, really? That's it right there. Like dumbass songs. But I can't hear the song.

Man's not hot. I knew it. Yeah, that was like some meme or something. Wow, those are really good moves. How'd you learn how to dance? I think watching in sync footage. Really? Yeah.

Watching in sync dance, in sync? Yeah. My dad at the time had a huge, do you remember those huge TVs that were like life-sized? Yeah, they had the huge tube and the projection was like inside the TV. Yeah. I remember that. Yeah, we had one too. We had green and blue like lights, spotlights going up into the TV.

In the concert footage? Or you had to have TVs in jail? Oh, no, I'm talking about the television. Yeah, that's like behind the screen. There was like the red, yeah, those lights. Oh, I'm sure. I never opened my TV. How do you know that?

Well, I broke my TV playing video games on it. My dad was really pissed and I remember seeing it. Gotcha. And that's how you learn how to put TVs together. Well, you didn't take, that's why the TV was coming. You didn't take classes. And a carpet installation guy. Yeah, I'm everything.

You never learned like, through classes, you just like saw and emulated? Yeah. Well, I did take classes when I started getting serious about it, but that's how I started learning dance in general. I would just like play slow motion, these concert footage of in sync in Madison Square, Madison Square Garden, and then just do it with them. Wow. Yeah.

Did you ever go to an in sync concert? Aren't they also from Florida? Are they? I know Yellow Card is from Florida. Who else is from Florida? There's a place on Ocean Avenue. I've been there. Really?

Yeah. To the place? But I went to, there's a lot of places on Ocean Avenue where I can't pinpoint what they're talking about. That makes sense. Give me one thing, one thing that you said you didn't want to talk about, because I really want to see what else you're working on other than that. Well, it's not out yet, but I have this show called Medium Rare.

I don't know if I'm allowed to, I hate this, I don't know if I'm allowed to talk about this. Who cares? Secret. Who cares? It's a cooking show where there's a psychic clairvoyant, and I'm the cooking show host, and we bring in a client who's lost someone, and their grandma or grandfather passed away with a family recipe, and so the clairvoyant talks to the dead in the astral world.

And tells you how to cook. And I glean all the information I can from whatever they say, like ingredients or whatnot, and then I just have to do my best to recreate that dish, and then we serve it to the client at the end. Oh my God. Have you like filmed some of these? We did the pilot, and I think it's going to get rid of them. Do people like fucking cry their eyes out?

I was really freaked out, and the producer was like, we love your incredulous reactions. Maybe make it more light, but I'm like, she's fucking talking to a dead person right now. What do you want me to do? Just smiling? Yeah. It's crazy, but it's like real. Did, did, did, well, two questions. One, did the name Medium Rare cause everything else?

Because there's no way like... Could have only imagined. Oh, you weren't, you didn't create the show. No, no, no. They came to me and they're like, how do you, how are you with like spirituality? I'm like, I'm open to anything. Here's a show. Do it.

Wow. Okay. I'm very spiritual. Give me the cash. I'll say anything you want. I see a ghost over there holding a bag of money for me. I believe, do they ever use a Ouija board? We have a Ouija cutting board.

Of course. But we don't use a Ouija board. Of course. That, that. Why wouldn't you? I think, you know, you have to. You have to. Because our, our Medium says it's old school.

Yeah. So she's in the new age. Yeah. She's like, oh, those Ouija boards are bullshit. Ouija boards are shit. I'm doing one straight to the source. I'm not going through this third party board here. She blows the clouds away and it's like, listen.

All right. More, more paprika. Your grandmother said this is dry as shit. Set your oven to 375. What are you putting your oven to when you're making those cookies downstairs? 350, my friend. Wow. Relatively low for an oven.

Yeah. In only 16 minutes. Wow. It's awesome. Crazy. And gluten-free. And dairy-free. My God.

You should team up with Jake's mom's. I'd love to make an intro. Collab cookie? Yeah. That would be weird. Collaborate chip. What's your, ooh. That was weird.

I don't know. It wasn't that good. It was just long. Yeah. It was like a pun, but the original word doesn't exist. Are, are your mom's cookies all chocolate chip or does she make different flavors too? All chocolate chip. Just chocolate chip.

Me too. Dark chocolate. Yes. Salted. Yeah. I think there's salt in it, but they're not salted like yours afterwards. Yeah. You're sprinkling sea salt on top.

Oh yeah. Of course. Have you ever used pepper instead of salt? Why? For no reason. Have you ever used white chocolate instead of dark? I don't like white chocolate. Of course.

Have you ever put peanut butter in there? I don't like peanut butter. Almond butter is weird. You don't like peanut butter? It's, once I discovered almond butter, there's no peanut butter. It's like wiped it out. It tastes better or you're just like happier having, like not having peanuts? Well, I'm happier to be eating almond butter in general.

I forget that peanuts exist. That's how good almond butter is. Ever make your cookies in a square instead of a circle? Can you? No. So I guess not. Wendy's does it for their hamburgers. Why?

They figured it out. Anyway, next question. Christ. Oh man. Yeah. How would you, I guess you'd have to like put him in a mold. Yeah. Like a silicone little square.

Yeah. Or you could cut him afterwards. Or afterwards. Yeah. That's not that weird. People do it with brownies and we don't fucking talk about it. Oh, you're right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You put brownies in a fucking bin. Yeah, you're right. And then you cut them into squares. They could be circles too. There's no reason. You're right. You're yelling. I'm a shapist.

There's no reason that a brownie can't be a triangle. There's no reason a cookie can't be a fucking octagon. I swear. A fucking rhombus, if you will. Why isn't it a rhombus? Why isn't a burrito a dodecahedron? I really think it could be. Oh, it could be a trapezoid.

That's what I'm saying. A taco could be a trapezoid. All this geometry talk is turning me on. Let's answer another question. Fine. Let's. We had this one question that led us to look for that Yahoo question. But I think the Yahoo question is almost better.

Well, but we should, we should look at them. We should show our work because the first question I think that question is really funny. All right. Let's get a guy's name. Jolt. I like the name Jolt. That's a really good dog name, I think. I want to get a dog and name him.

Wait. Did I tell you my dog? What's his name? I forget. We'll get to the question, but this is important. Yeah. Take your time. Oh my God.

I'm forgetting it, but it crumbs. Oh, that's good. As a dog name, dog name comes. There was, I saw a dog, my favorite dog name of all time that I've ever seen was a golden doodle named Toaster. Oh my God. Did it look like a toaster? Whoa. In the sense that his tail was a cord?

Was it like golden? Power cord? Like it made me think of toast. His mouth was like two slits on his head. And his tail, yeah, his tail was a cord waving in the wind. Yeah. But man. What?

Toaster's pretty cute. Toaster's a really cute name. Crumbs I like. I would do, I want to name my dog Paul. Just like an accountant's name. Yeah. Just kind of a boring man name. Yeah.

I like it. And it's a woman. Whoa. That's really well. Female or male? My dog is a man. My dog is a man. I grew up and I had a woman dog.

Half woman, half dog. All amazing. Jolt writes, I went on a D of E camping trip. The D of E is a government run extracurricular qualification with school about a year ago on a trip while on the trip me and a group of others on this trip smoked a fern. Not tobacco, not weed, but a fern. Because well, fuck it. But my dad is a teacher and they are saying that they'll tell my dad at the end of the

school year. I was hoping that everyone will forget about it over the holidays, but it still gets brought up by two of the people that are general assholes just to make me feel awkward in school. I would be mortified if my parents found out. Is there any other way to solve this other than by lying low? And then Jake, I assume, searched smoking a fern. Yeah. Does this mean something else?

That's what I thought. I was like, is it a fern? Is it a drug? So this guy in Yahoo Questions wrote, I want to smoke weed, but I don't know where to get it. And it's kind of hard to consider around 14. So I thought of smoking lawn grass. But we use a lot of pesticide sprays in the grass formulas that would just be disgusting.

I noticed that we have many ferns at home. I was thinking that maybe I could just get some dried. And then the best answer upvoted by the most people is, you're a freaking idiot. Go die. Really? One way. Yeah. Jesus.

I have my posit that these questions were written by the same guy, one pre-smoking the fern. Oh, interesting. Because doesn't it seem like he... I'm going to look up a picture of a fern just so we all know what we're talking about. I already know what a fern looks like. Isn't it like the... It's got a lot of phalanges in it.

Yeah, that's right. And then they chop it up. Full plant cheese? Yeah. You see ferns on stationary sometimes there. Oh, yeah. There it is. Let's see.

Oh, okay. Yeah. Got it. Yeah, okay. So that's a fern. All right. Weird. And he wants to smoke it.

I guess. And he wants to know... Or he did smoke it and the dad is... He's worried that someone will tell his dad it works for the school. Is it illegal to smoke a fern? Well, that's what I'm saying. What if his dad finds out and he's like, why did you smoke this fern? And the kid's like, why does it matter?

It's not a drug. Yeah. What happens when you smoke and not drug? Nothing. You feel weird about your life? Well, for some reason, some of the lower-down answers on that Yahoo! answers were saying that some house plants are deadly if you inhale them. Whoa.

So those ones should really be voted to the top. Oh, my God. But yeah, I think smoking weed and tobacco is safer than smoking plants around your house just to see if you can get... I remember when I was little smoking paper because I just wanted to see what it was like. I think I was like 13 or 14. You just rolled it up and lit it and then inhaled it? Yeah.

I like... Exactly. I rolled up a piece of paper really tight so it looked like a joint. There was nothing inside it. Weird. And then I lit it to see if I could smoke. I don't know why. What happened?

I coughed a lot because it is just literal... Sure. You know, ashes and smoke going into your mouth. Of course. And it burned really quickly. I'm afraid to drink alcohol so me and my friends are going to drink paint thinner instead. Whoa. Stuff that's just found around the house.

Right. That's the equivalent of what this kid sang. So it's safer to smoke weed. Right. Do that. But also, don't do that. On a school trip? No, I am talking to the other kid that wants to smoke weed.

Oh! Dishroof! Dishroof! What would happen if he told his dad? If he was just like, hey dad, by the way, I smoked a fern. I assume that's fine because there's no law against it. But it wasn't that fun and I won't do it again. Sorry if I disappointed you by smoking a fern.

But again, there is no law that says I can't. You tell the dad, you come out against the story, they have nothing on you anymore. Yeah. We're going to tell your dad about the fern. Like, I already told that motherfucker. He thinks I'm a moron. He laughed at me. So jokes on you, loser.

Yeah, say something. That's weird. Say something I'm giving up on ferns. If you have to smoke... Say something I'm giving up on ferns. You have to smoke one non-weed plant today. What would you choose? Me, I'm making a bong out of a cactus.

That's right. That's really dangerous. Feeling my insides with aloe vera. That sounds healthy. It is. Yeah, but how are you going to hold it as the bong because it's covered in needles? Prickles. Yeah, but I'm like...

Technical term, prickles. I'm so brave that I'm like, fuck it. Whoa. Yeah. So I'm like whatever. I'm so high off the aloe vera that I don't feel anything. They're piercing through my hand and I'm just completely on cloud nine. Getting high as a kite.

I'm smoking a tomato. Huh? A tomato. That's a plant. Yeah. The night shades. Yeah, you smoke a tomato. You put it on like some beef carpaccio.

That's like a really nice meal. Some smoked tomatoes. Yeah. Some gouda. Also smoked. Actually, I'm really, really anti... I love tomatoes, but not when they're hot. I don't like hot tomatoes.

I hate sun-dried tomatoes when I was thinking this morning. I don't know why they exist. Yeah, I kind of like them. They're almost like a meat substitute. You also like olives, right? I do like olives. No. And lox?

You know, I can give or take lox. I never had lox fish growing up, so I never acquired a taste. But I don't mind like the salty, pickled stuff. The capers. Capers, I don't mind. Yeah. He's a fucking monster, right? I hate olives.

I was like, I hate you. Are you against all pickled vegetables? No, I like pickles. That's about it. Kimchi is cool. Pickles are very olive-like. Really? Pickles.

I hate pickles. I hate olives. I hate capers. I do hate you. Well, I'm just blind and vinegar-like. I don't like roasted red peppers. You know what's interesting? Oh, okay.

You love salt, and all this stuff is just salted, and you don't like it. I think it's the texture. It's the mushy-mushy. The what? That mushy-mushy. That mushy-mushy. That mushy-mushy. That mushy-mushy.

That mushy-mushy. That mushy-mushy. So it's not the saltiness of it? I mean, I do love salt. I don't know what the taste is. Olives don't taste salty to me, though. You can get a nice crispy olive. Fried olives?

Is that a thing? Maybe I might eat it then. Oh, like fried pickles. Do you like fried pickles? Yeah. Jake doesn't like anything. It's what it sounds like right now. I'm a grouch today.

You are salty, like an olive. And you're pickled. All right. Should we answer one last question? Let's do it. This is an airplane hookup story. Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

From a man. A guy's name. Oh, that's going to be Colin Farewell. Nice. You should tweet that, too. That's tweetable. Colin Farewell. You're throwing all these celebs under the bus.

It's sort of like celebrity death tweets. But no one will ever see them. Like John Goodbye. Yeah. Nice. I was traveling. We are now in Decapitated. Whoa.

I'm reading. She liked it. But dude thought it was cool. I did. Permitted. Granted. I was traveling recently, writes Colin Farewell. Humble brag.

And the crazy, oh, it gets very braggy. The craziest thing happened. I was sitting in an airport bar and a total smoke show walked up to my table and sat down. She offered to buy me a drink, a beer and a shot of tequila. Then we started talking. She came on very strong and eventually she hinted that we go to the restroom and fuck. I kindly denied because I'm in a relationship and I made it very clear I didn't want sex. After an hour of drinking and talking, her constantly bringing up sex, we got up to leave

and I gave her a hug when we then proceeded to make out standing in the middle of the airport. After a moment, I pried her off of me and I told her I had to get to a flight that had already boarded. My issue isn't really the event, but my feelings after the fact. I have been home for a while now and my current relationship seems well incredibly boring and my girlfriend is not very attractive. I don't want this to go to my head, but it seems really hard not to want more.

Too late. Any advice would help. Do you believe this? What is happening and why are you in a relationship? You don't like the girl, it seems. Could you? Could this happen? Could a guy be so hot that a girl walks up to him, buys him a drink and wants to fuck

him in the bathroom? They're weird. I'm sure they would. We're against some yeses. I'm sure some girls would definitely do that. Really? Yeah. I don't think.

I would say no, but you're a girl. I mean, I'm not saying I would do it just to make the difference. You're saying there are some... Oh, I do this all the time. This was probably me. Was he in Bob Hope three weeks ago? Yeah. This was at a bird bank.

Oh, shit. Across from a chi burger, chi burger. I mean, once you have shots at tequila in a bar, I feel like anything's possible. Always tequila. Yeah. I mean, there's something that's like sexually charged about sitting next to someone you're attracted to on a plane, but I've never seen a hookup in the airport. Yeah.

And they made out. They made out. He's not even referencing the fact that he made out. He makes himself sound like a saint, the first like, yeah, she came up to me. She bought me a drink. I told her no way we're having sex. Then I made out with her and I pried her off of me. After a moment, but how long was the moment?

Right. It's like five minutes. That's a long time to make out with somebody and like you made it very, I'm sure you didn't make it that clear that sex wasn't on the table. For sure. If you get up and hug her and you start kissing, there's an interesting PS. She wasn't a whore or anything. Just a senior in college flying home and on a connecting flight.

I'm 24. I don't think age has anything to do with all these little stipulations. I just think this is weird. I've never been attracted to a single person in the airport ever. Yeah, because that's like you're in sweats and you're traveling and you're stinky. You're about to get stinky. I get it. I have fallen in love with it.

I don't know if I've ever sat next to somebody that was even close to my age more than a couple times, but every time I have, I'm like, this is my wife sitting next to me. They're like airplane. The airplane scale is, you know, the normal level of attractiveness is just out the window. Somebody's like the same age as me. They're the most beautiful person I've ever seen. She's an airplane eight, but a four on the ground. You multiply her by the altitude.

So she's an airplane 290,000. Oh my God. Yeah. Buckle up. This will get turbulent. Enjoy the flight. I know what you mean, though. There's one guy that sat next to me and I was editing on Premiere, probably.

And he had headphones like these and was like, do you want to use my headphones? There's noise canceling. And I was like, instantly very attracted to him. But then after when he wanted my number, I was like, no, no, no, thanks for the headphones. Because we're on the... Was that no? I love that. You love that he offered it.

I just like the idea of saying no. I've never been able to do that. If somebody asked for my number, I give it to them. Do you have a fake number or a real one? No, real one. Jay, you can't do that. I know. I'm a fucking psychopath.

My sister gives my number out. And so these boys will text me and be like, it was great seeing you last night. And I'm like... Older or younger. Older by one year. We're Irish twins. Oh, very cool. And I will never know who they are.

And then they'll send me pictures of her and the guy. And I'm like, I don't have anything to do with this. That's a pretty cool move by your sister. Yeah, but terrible for me. Hey, you had a pretty awesome night last night. Expect a lot of texts from a lot of dudes. Do you ever get texts multiple for multiple people after one night? From her?

No, no, no. Like from the boys. From her people? No. She's not like that. No, no, no. She's pretty cool. Yeah.

All right. Well, I fear it's not turned on anymore. I did accidentally text you, but like it wasn't. I think your sister actually gave me a real number as well. Yeah, yeah. Autopilot. You guys got bones at the same time, so they're really similar. Yeah.

All right. What was the question? I don't want to let this go to my head. Oh, yeah. You sort of over his girlfriend because... Break up with your girlfriend. Absolutely. Number one.

Yeah. What are you even doing? You cheated on her and you don't think she's hot. Yeah. And there's no reason to have a girlfriend. And you called the relationship incredibly boring. Oh, did he say that? Yeah.

It seems incredibly boring after that. Seems. Yeah. I think that was like the apex of his excitement, was the stranger. Yeah. And he could have had sex in an airport restroom. I don't... Are you good?

I mean, you don't have to answer this, but are you guys into like public stuff? I'm not. I'm not either. I am. Yeah. I want into your brain for the one second you paused and like the thousands of things that went there. I just shut you down for a second, China's...

No, I really am, actually. I can't even get the words out. I'll do it during a fucking marathon. Like the public's... I hesitate because like the publicness of it isn't what gets me off, like, oh, we could get caught. Like, I hate that. Okay.

But I like the... I need to have it now, that like kind of the lustiness of it. The passion, yeah. So like, I would be just as happy to meet somebody in airport like I have to have you. And here's a private room where no one will come in. Yeah. That's what I... That's my dream.

Yeah. But that's not going to happen. Yeah. So would you do it in the men's room or the women's room of an airplane... Of an airport? You go to the family restroom because that's a single occupancy restroom. It's just for families. And then you can go in with like that.

That could be your wife. She might be sick. Oh, so you go in there, you have sex, you don't leave for another nine months, so you actually are using the changing table. That's nice. Yeah. I've used that trick of going into a bathroom and coming out and pretending someone's sick before.

That sounds nice. Yeah. It's a solid life hack, everybody. Come out looking like you've thrown up. And everybody is like, oh, they weren't having sex. He's really sick. That's good. And it's actually truthful because oftentimes when you're done with her, she is kind of

violently ill and nauseous. Right? Jesus Christ. Oh, come on. Look at you. You're a fucking virus. You're a stomach flu. Oh my God.

You are a puke. I'm a puke. You really are a food poison. Wow, you just got so jealous. You are a hot poison. You never fucked anybody in a bathroom, have you. I'm getting furious just looking at you right now. I'm sweating.

I'm sorry, Megan. I feel ill right now. That makes a lot of sense, actually. I've never sat next to you for this long, but I'm feeling very faint. You are sickly. Do I look pale? Yeah. You do get sick easily.

No, it's not bad. I think that's what it is. It's not that. I'm like, in some way, I'm allergic to you. You're like a spoiled meat. You really are an expired dairy. A hunk of meat. Have you ever had an egg that wasn't right?

You're like a really bad, you're an expired, like a bad egg. Really? Like, it's funny you hate olives because you are an olive. You're a bad olive. You're like a, you're not a black olive or a green one. You're like a gray olive. You really know a lot about spoiled food. I worry about your diet, to be honest.

You're a cottage cheese. And I should know, that's what I subsist on. I'm 80% cheese at this point. Anyway, any advice for this guy? Leave your girlfriend? Absolutely. Good man. Do you think you can find the airport girl?

That's so cool that they did. What if that was their meat cute and they actually end up being together? Meat cute. Yeah. Their meat cute is a little bit fucked because it was more like meat is hot. And they had hot meat, I bet. Gross. What?

Jake's known as a virus. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look at him. He's a stomach flu. He is a pews. He's a bug. You're sick. Listen to your voice.

He's a fucking bug. Just a generic bug. He's a bug. And I think I caught it because I've been ill for the last two years, ten years. All right. That's it. Leave your girl. That's it.

Four questions. I think we had a lot of fun, too. I think we did. And there's a box of cookies down there with literally with my name on them. Yeah. It says Amir's dad's cookies. It does. Just to rival Jake's mom.

Not rival. Just... It's okay. As a complication. Competition is a good thing. Yeah. All the time. She's coming back hard.

Wait till she hears about these cookies. You're done, Batun. You're absolutely done. Actually, I think I have food poisoning. Oh, oh. Gotta go. That must have been a bad egg in there. Anything else you want to promote real quick before you have to get out of here?

Your Instagram, your Twitter, your anything? Yeah. My Cura. Cura? Your Cura Scora? Wait, does anyone actually have that? Do you have a Cloud Scora? Have a Cloud Scora?

Have a Cloud Scora? When people are like, this person followed you on Cura. I never signed up for that. I didn't even know that's what it was. What's your LinkedIn? I thought Cura was just like something you would go and ask questions to. I get emails all the time, people following my Cura, but I don't do anything for it. Wow.

Yeah. Anyway, follow my... I'm gonna follow you on Cura. Um, Instagram, Twitter, YouTube, it's all at Meganbatun. Oh. Got your name on it. That early adopter shit. Got a quit.

Boy. The opening theme song was written by Andrew, do you remember the name of his band? Doldrums. Doldrums. Yeah, yeah. Doldrums. And this closing one is also really good. It's by Christina and Brittany, who have an acoustic parody cover of Jealous by Nick

Jonas. And you can follow them on Instagram, Christina B or Brittany at BrittanyB8. That would be hashtag dope. Thanks Christina. BrittanyB8. Yeah. Thanks, uh, thanks Christina and Brittany and Andrew and Megan for coming on. And thanks to me for flying this ship and landing it just right.

I killed it this episode. And I appreciate you guys for saying such. Uh, awesome. Uh, we're out. We'll be back next week. We're back next week. I'm here in the dude. You may not like the way that these two Jews give advice on Mondays if I were you.

Am I crazy just for thinking Jake and Amir are competent and can help me? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yes. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah,