If I Were You - 299: Two Cats (w/Brian Murphy!)

Episode Date: October 30, 2017

Comedian and Friend Brian Murphy joins us to discuss dungeons, dragons, and flash mob break ups.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

If you find you don't know where to go just listen to this podcast show these two Jews who will tell you just what you should do the shows if I were you What is that song Billy Joel everyone That is I'm like Billy Joel. It's the British office theme song. Oh Billy Joel sang on that. Oh, that's over the British office song and then sent you was such a fan Yeah, oh, yeah, no, this is the person that wrote that was Billy Joel submitting a parody He didn't do the Billy Joel didn't do the music You guys know Billy Joel trying to kill himself really yeah, how many times dark a long time ago needlessly dark long time ago

It's just an interesting fact Yeah, we could have we could have not ever known his amazing full catalog isn't he succeeded isn't sing us a song You're the piano man about like drinking himself to death or something It's about other people drinking themselves to death and an old piano bar that he used to work at got it Anyway, that was Jacob LeGrand who's written a bunch of theme songs for us. He just sounds like Billy Joel And that one was to the UK office theme song Murph. He's back. Oh, yeah boys episode 300 We got you in right under that because we really wanted to get to you before 300

299 299 299 it's still a it's still a marquee episode number cuz I was on episode 100 and 200 Weird that you guys would break the pattern on the third one Well, we wanted to we try to get you in in every century and we do so we got you on episode 9 9 1 9 9 and now 2 9 9 you seem pissed. I'm devastated Between that and the Billy Joel fact

I don't know how you know you bound I don't know if I'll recover. Is it okay if I'm just quiet for Be a good bit Such a funny bit that's if we can only get you for two minutes We would do that bit. Yeah, there'd be on the jake and Amir subreddit in a few years They'd be like the one where Murph didn't talk is an underrated classic. I kind of think it's funny on the On a realism. Yeah, you can hear him breathing You're saying that you might not have seen us since episode one ninety now, which is like almost two years ago Yeah, it's insane. Yeah sad behind the scenes fact

Yeah, the college humor crew doesn't hang out as much as we used to Oh, that's all friends in real life. Um, I mean, I still like him I feel like I Do feel like college humor is like is a family and then it's just like you might not see your brother for a while Or like your cousin or something. Yeah, but you still like them, but you still deeply love them. Oh, yeah Amir I see him every day and he hates my fucking guts, but I I do feel the same way It is it's weird. I think cuz we just have like such a rich shared history Yeah, cuz I mean there was there there were so many years of just we're all working together

And then we're all hanging out after work. We'd all go to all the same parties Like every weekend a lot of us live together. Yeah, yeah, literally there was a few years where Um, I was living in what was dubbed the college humor dorm with Alex Watt Alex Schmidt Halle Cantor Oh, yeah, and let's feel us, right? No, that was in uh, that was in New York. So yeah, it was in Park Slope It's a good time Holy cow and now you only see Emily all the time now I only see Emily all the time because you're you wifed her I wifed her and we work together So you have a wife and a and a partner and a writing partner and a co-writer and a co-worker slash comedy partner

It's beautiful all in one magical moment. Yeah, I have a dog. We have two cats I'm a cat guy now. Hold that thought because Because our first question is just an aggressive way to say I'm a cat guy now Like then I'm a cat guy now come at me Uh, obviously Murphy been here before you know, this is an advice show Uh, if I were you the only advice show on the internet hosted by Jake and I sometimes just me Jake Sometimes we have our friends every hundred episodes boom like clockwork night rolls in boom. Yeah, boom, boom 100 200 300 Minus one minus one minus one, baby

This guy wrote a question in and it's about cats and I thought it would be perfect for you because like you said you're a cat person now Okay, uh, are you trolling my instagram a little bit a little bit? Yeah. Yeah First time lurker. I don't like to see you in person, but I'm trying to keep both keep up with what you're doing tabs at the very least So do you got a fake guy's name for this cat guy? Yeah Um bruce is that the name of your cat? Good man I'm moving to new york city for work writes bruce. I'm single and in my early 20s I was thinking of getting a cat and started looking up cat information

Since I'll be at work most of the days and frequently out with friends in the evenings I want a cat that's pretty low maintenance looking online. I read that if you're not at home a lot It's a good idea to have a second cat so that they can keep each other entertained. Yes So now I'm looking at getting two cats. Does that make me a crazy cat person? Well girls want to date me if they know I own two cats are two cats cock blockers help Thanks for the advice love bruce and what what's your other cat's name bowie bruce bowie very nice Uh, so you're you're you're pro two cats, right super pro two cats. They are Two cats is no more work than one cat zero zero more work. I don't think so

I mean you got to clean their litter box like once a day Yeah, and other than that they kind of take care of themselves you feed them Super loving and you don't have to feel bad if you have two cats if you're like, you know Situation where you're at work and then you go out and you do a podcast and then you get home later Whatever so cats are this crazy animal that like we just get to have and it doesn't even have to go outside They're just shits in the house. They're your room like you throw it away. You just hang out with them Why why is it that cats don't need any of that and dogs do? Is it like what they were descended from?

Yeah, I think they're just or if you just left a dog inside for three years. It would also learn to chill I think like dogs dogs would just instantly eat all of their food and like barf and then shit in the house and eat Their own they would just they just would go ape shit instantly. So dogs are drunk cats Yeah, I think cats have cats have better survival instincts like they know like if the dog really needs you they'll eat Yeah, they'll eat when they need to eat they'll poop when they need to poop in their place All right But as far as coming off as a weird cat guy I will say he'll probably get points with the people that he would actually connect with, you know

Oh, so you alienate 50 of people, but then you would endear the other 50. It's better to just do that But there are people that weren't cat people to start with and then love the cats. You always hear stories like that. Yeah I I part of me thinks that As a like a single dude having two cats. Yeah You're married. You're married. So here's the thing if Emily left me I would keep the cats if I lost the cats. I would get two more cats So here's a question for you. I would start a cat farm if I could you lose your cat Wait, did you grow up with cats? No. Okay. So this is a new thing

You love the cats that much that you would you want do you want more? Do you want a third cat? I would love to have like six cats Six cats six cats. I would like to what would you do with them? I would like to buy like a trailer park And live in one of the trailers and then just have eight trailers for cats to hang out in What would you do with them? What would you go in and pet them? Yeah, you just pet them you hang out with them They want to play let me ask you this. Yeah, you lose your two cats. Are you devastated like you lose a dog? Yes, super devastated super devastating. Yeah, you lose one cat. You're devastated like you lost a dog Same level

More interesting because in my mind people lose cats like, no, it's what's gonna happen. It's an alley cat Let's get another cat. Rear. Well, the dogs is like I lost my best friend. Sure. I took care of that little fucker Yeah, I walked him. I picked up his shit. I would feel more. I also have And here's also a benefit to getting two cats is I feel like they Become more social because they're with each other. So they also see like like The our cats are brother and sister. So they'll see like When we first adopted them, they probably were like, okay. Well, my brother trusts them So I'll trust them and also they like learn to when they're playing with each other

They learn to not use their claws or bite super hard because they like Yelp at each other and shit. Huh? So it's good to have two cats. Did you jump around and wrestle with them? No, um, what do you when you say play? How do you how do you play? They just like they just like run around you get like, uh, You know, like a string type situation. You'd rather do that than watch tv You don't but that's the thing is that the cats will just play with each other You don't even need to play with them if you don't want it. So They'll just go sit on your lap. Can you teach one cat to feed the other one?

If you're hard for them to open the can you went to chicago for three months Do you just leave it with a cat feeder or they just came with us? How do you bring a cat to chicago? Put them in uh, we bought uh expensive cat backpacks. Uh-huh cat packs. Yep. Packed them in some cat packs Do they just pop their little heads out the back? Um, there is a uh, there's like a little vent thing That can be like an astronaut helmet. That's like a uh, uh, a bulb sort of that they can like stick their faces out and look We got those Brought them on the plane They came and lived with us in chicago while we were shooting hot date for like three months. No big deal

No big deal. I mean, you're like in an airbnb that allowed cats. Yeah Yeah, it was dope I didn't care about it shooting a tv show I had the cats you're all in on cats. You're saying two cats is weird. I'm all in on two cats for sure And I I do you think that Tupac Shakur That was actually that was Tupac's original name was two cats for sure But so many people misheard it that he just had to go with it That's the one that that's what stuck. Yeah

It's a somebody misheard it once right just wrote it down at the dmv incorrectly You guys would think this guy was a crazy cat man, right? I don't know if you had two cats I think it's a little not crazy I think one is charming and two is weird two's two is two seems like a bit much So I will say he might Meet some resistance, but I do think that people would think it was charming even though You'll still you'll still charm some people But I feel like one cat's gonna charm more people and I think that the cat is gonna be fine

Being on its own you could like you you know adopt a cat that prefers to be on it right But if you think about like a faceless cat man, it's easy to judge that cat man But if you just had a friend named Darren who really loved cats doesn't Darren seem like a nice guy Yeah, and I'd be like Darren if you want to get laid you should really just have one cat And Darren you're my good friend, so we're one against one Amir's kind of in the middle here Yeah, I could see two cats I think three is a little excessive two is that you're one cat is you're being kind of mean to a cat It's like a cat by itself in your apartment right because they just stay inside all day

Well, some cats want to be alone there. There are cats that can't be adopted. They have to be the only cat Oh, but yes, I will say if you're gonna adopt cats adopt litter mates because sometimes they're like bonded to each other So it's sad to break them up anyway, right and they already like each other I mean we had when I was growing up. I had Six seven eight at one point. I think we had nine cats We had many cats six kids and nine cats Yeah, and we had lice everywhere two dogs a rabbit We had like a ton of pets because my parents couldn't say or my mom couldn't say no because I'm so sweet

I'm a special little boy and I want another cat and I want mice and I want a snake And I don't want them to eat each other mother. So keep them separate. I want a bunny mother mommy Adopt me a monkey. So we had but we had so many cats and there were cats that didn't like each other. So like Penny and Maddie couldn't even be in the same room. So you have to be careful Like he can't just go and adopt two separate cats and be like all right You guys both live in my house now because they'll fight and claw and fuck with each other and let your cats don't do that No, they like they like play

They'll roll around. Are they best friends? Are they like chill independent independent cats? Um, they're best buds, but you know, they need their space every once in a while Have you ever grounded one? Has one ever been a mean little kitty? They're they're pretty good There has Bruce ever been a nasty boy. I'm really proud of my cats for being such good boys and such good girls You think you've done something you think you the way you have you know I think it's part that i'm just a great cat dad and for that. They're just good cats, you know How often you feed the cat uh twice a day Morning and a night morning and a night they poop in the litter. Well, I'm I'm emily feeds them and I'm the shit collector

That's the kitty litter, right? That's a kitty litter. Yeah, and then they shit in the rocks You pick up the rocks and you throw away the rocks. Yeah, you got like a little shovel scooper that you throw out Here's how smart cats are one time emily was cleaning out the litter while I wasn't there Um, and the cat was like freaking out because he needed to piss while she was cleaning He jumped in the tub and pissed down the drain. Wow all my cats used to piss in the tub How do they know how do they know how do they know to do the litter? There was a time where my cat was only shitting in the tub and it was pretty Yeah, well the shit that's not good

You have that actively bad you have that photo of your cat in a little uh, he had a shower cap and a little uh A sponge on a stick and he was in the bathtub with his arms behind his back and was like acting like a little diva And you said and she's like can you please knock before entering? That's right. And there was a turd by her feet Yeah, she was taking a shit in the tub just smeared under her ass She's rolling in it All right, so I'll say The over under is two and a half cats. Yeah, get get two cats for you man You don't need to get lady

And they will be just for you got Friends now man How long do cats live for is it like dogs? They live longer than dogs. You know, I just looked up the other day Uh, the oldest cat that ever lived. Would you guys care to venture a guess? We all read your story 34 years old I'll go under 34 28 The answer is 32 Right in between the two. Yeah, I don't know who wins at that point. Murph goes over so technically you win, right?

I win by prices right and I also looked up the oldest dog And the oldest cat did outlive the oldest dog. How old was the oldest dog? I think 27 or 27 that's crazy That's crazy a 27 year old dog. Yeah Dog that dog went to college then went to med school and did a couple years in its residency That dog was begging for death. I bet by age 22 It's like yeah, it's not six years. We're just fucking hell on earth Cats can live like cartoonishly long just regular cats so they can live to be like 18 or 19 and that's kind of normal So to hear that one's 30 is just like, okay, that's the outlier

When a dog is living to be 27, you think of an average dog. An average dog's like 12 or 13 Yeah, double which is it is just It's just torture You might even be in 29 now that I think about it. That's like a 240 year old human A cat I trust a little bit more to like run off into the woods and die when they're supposed to But a doggy knows just staying alive for their owner. You know what I mean? Much to that. It's like basically not beneficial to the owner anymore. It's pure surgery That's keeping it alive

All right, next question. That's not cat related if you're okay with that. Fuck Guys, it's episode 300. Any questions? Welcome. I got it. This is a good a shorty, but a good one. You gotta uh, uh, guy's name Oh, okay, um Book and that's good. All right, book and writes My girlfriend is cheating on me and I have no idea what to do I've been racking my brain for weeks and then I thought jake and amir would know we'll know what to do So here I am

Oh, no How is there vague? What is he? What do you what would you do? I thought this was kind of interesting because it's like You find out your lady is cheating on you What do you do? Say all right sit down and have a serious conversation. Do you kind of troll them a little bit? Do you say hey, is there anything you want to tell me? Do you Cheat on them and then

Have them catch you and then you're like, what are you mad about? What's what's wrong? Have you ever done this before? Do you play some sort of weird twisted game where you it's like I guess that's what this guy is asking is like what how can I get revenge? Yeah, revenge or end it right I think the most boring thing to do is to be like hey, I know you're cheating on me I think we should break up. Well, that's but that's a that's really definitely what you should do I was just like I get I would be emotionally devastated and have a very real conversation and end the relationship End it not funny. You're fun. Yeah, but what what would be a fun way to Break the news that you found out and how can we involve cats? Yeah

So like so you feel in her partner with cats this podcast Unlistenable anyone who's not weird So you're a cat lady now. Yeah, so you read I know what you did last summer on your cat's fur And then you trot bruce out there and he's got a little message on his back and it's cute Then bowie hops in he doesn't know what he's doing. I think you have to Yeah, you have to confront it's got to be sort of a harmless goof if you're gonna goof What's a harmless goof? I guess you could like do something where you you know, you want to like

If you want to get dramatic you can catch them in the act and that'd be kind of that would be so devastating to see Yeah, but I mean not like get catch them fucking but like catch them out to dinner or something Yeah, I would like to do that I would be like so what's going on because you don't want to like having a serious conversation and ending it Is almost letting them off the hook, but you're putting them in a weird situation would be good karmic payback I like imagining that he goes in up to them at a bar like he's keeping track of their dates. He's like what's going on here Yeah, oh, I'm cheating on you with this guy because he's hot and you're ugly Gotcha at hand it. Yeah, you gotta just hope that well, I got you a cat

You gotta you gotta hope you catch him flat footed Otherwise you might just get owned right. What if they're ready like, oh, yeah Don't you understand why I would cheat on this guy with you? I mean you're a psychopath that just showed up at this bar If this guy is 30 He could definitely catch his girlfriend flat footed at a bar and just be like what's going on here and get to have this kind of A moment where he's on his high horse if he's 16 the girls is going to be like, no, I just fucked your friend He's cool. Yeah, it really depends on the age. All right. All right easy does it. Yeah, so let's give some age ranges here. I'd say um

16 to 25 25 You got to just end it over text Over text. Uh, you are a 75 year old guy that's been married for 50 years You got to just stick it out at that point Wasn't there like the famous like either called you a picture video about like I caught my girlfriend cheating on me And then he like did something it was a you it was the thing it was the thing at UNC It was like I found out my girlfriend's cheating on me. I'm gonna break up with her

In public at the quad or whatever it is like there's that it's not the quad But there's like something in the center of the UNC campus. Yeah, so it was like public shaming It was this huge event where like he was going to confront his girlfriend and like Like thousands of people had yeah rsvp and she didn't know she didn't show or she didn't know she did I think it turned out that it was fake. Oh really? I think so. I don't really remember See something like that Because you never get too far then you make then you're the bad guy. All right, but yes, you are I don't think it's worse than cheating. So I think you're kind of a publicly shame somebody

Yeah, I don't think that's something that everyone fucking does no because you could say You can't be mad at me. I'm the victim of a cheating so you can get away with this public shame What's you've orchestrated like a A monstrous uh worst moment of someone's life. You're a you're a bad guy, but they get what they're gonna pity her now I mean cheater. I say you put people in a moral dilemma This is what happens like during superhero movies when like the bad guy like spider-man gets bit by a radioactive spider And he uses his power for good. Yeah, but then like the green goblin gets Yeah, you don't want to green goblin it man. I want to be the joker power now

And then you have the power to be the bigger person and then yeah like the green goblin Uh, what is what happens in the fucking green goblin? I don't know. He's a bad guy. He's flying around. He's doing bad shit Right. What's like you have the power. No, they like He's not using the power. You have the upper hand. You have a trump card and you're just gonna give it away This man's super villain. Yeah story. Yeah the cheater. Yeah I I obviously I've never cheated on anyone. I do not advocate cheating, but I I wouldn't advocate like a public shaming. Yeah, right because you want to this this guy wants to You want to have your little victory? You want to have your high horse here? Don't don't blow it up

Don't blow it up by being a dick. Right. Don't make it about you, man But but to me the public shaming is your victory. It's a parade of sorts. We can't let's find a happy medium Like what's what's good about a parade of being like? I was wrong I was hurt by somebody Cheer for me. So happy me. Yeah, it's just to show up at the bar have get your dramatic scene Okay, find out where the date is show up act like you had no idea Just going to get a cherry coke by yourself. Yeah

See the love of your life's out with this other person How could you do this to me? Get your dramatic monologue out there rehearse it get everything you want to say in there Make sure it's not too inflammatory. Yeah, I mean you don't want to say anything problematic Okay, what about using it as a get out of cheat free card Then you you can cheat if there was someone in your life that you wanted to cheat with you can do it But they're just going to break up right also break up. He should break up Yeah, because Because if that's I mean break up for sure because then if you could cheat on somebody you'll just get to hook up with

You'll be single and you can hook up with whoever you want. So that's fine. That's exciting too. I really want to shame What about a private shame? Uh, you know that's 12 friends over That's like sort of like an intervention So we're here to talk to you about how you cheated on me And we don't want you to do that anymore. It would be pretty funny to hold a surprise party At first I go I'm breaking up with you surprise party Yeah, I think if it wasn't on social media

Just a tasteful breaking up surprise party. You don't want somebody to get cyberbullied. Yeah, there's a pinata Again, I'm also I'm I it depends on how old this person is because I'm assuming that they're probably younger than us They're probably in like their early 20s or something and so I'm always hesitant to just be like destroy this person's life For cheating on you mean while they're like college kids and everybody's hooking up with everybody Yeah, what if it's like cheating is just a little too common to make A ton of hay out of it. I think I mean, I don't think you should stay in a relationship when you're cheating Yeah, it's a very like

Devastating hurtful personal thing that happens. But if you turn it into A fucking parade in a party every time you might have to have more than one cheating party There's not gonna like it's not gonna be we don't need tick or tape But I would like some sort of marching band at the very least a song and dance or what's it called a flash mob? Yeah, yeah, right. I just don't think you want to set the precedent because then every time you get cheated on you have to help the People might start dating you to be to see the flash mob to see what you're gonna do next This is the romantic this one's gonna be a foreign trip for the cheating. I'm here. This will be like prank war Yeah, but like when you're gonna get broken up with again, man. I want to see somebody gonna cheat on you

How do you one up them? How do you do it again, man? All right, those are your options. I don't know what to tell you just tasteful surprise dinner party. Yeah breakup very nice no phones Six close friends And your significant other let them They're bringing the guy home. They think you're out of town red wine. You've got a nice dinner out with some friends Would you want to trap would you want to catch or you would you want to just have a private moment? I'd much rather just have a private moment right because it is ultimately

Shameful of you. Oh, you know what? I think would be cool if you want to be dramatic because I think the relationship should end Pack up and leave I like that the person like that because I think that that person I yeah But like even if that you don't live together all your stuff would be gone from their house if you have a key or something You don't respond maybe I just yeah Like I think that the person who is hurting you in that way does kind of deserve like that like You know sinking feeling in the pit of their stomach. You want to give them that? Yeah And there's nothing that'll do that like a flash like not a flash

But you show up and all your all somebody shits like something is like, oh no something is wrong Yeah, and then they can't contact you because if you're dramatic then it seems like you care too much Yeah, you know what I mean? I remember someone broke up with me in middle school and my response It was just like cool. Yeah, and I felt so it was such like a power Oh, you act like you didn't care. Yeah, I was just like yeah. No. Yeah, really. I was devastated No, yeah gutted gutted right But um, yeah, I feel like that's a cool thing to do especially they've been dating for a while And if he's just like, yeah, you know, uh, you're cheating on me. That's okay. I was kind of I was half in half out

Anyway, I'm thinking about getting out of here The cheating thing sort of seals the deal after having moved out. That's your petty moment. Right, right. Yeah Oh, yeah, they get back like, hey, come on. Look, we need to talk about this. No. No, we're good. Yeah You're totally right. I am gonna move out because it is The more dramatic you are the more you care because you're like you meet people who like really hate their x's so much And you're like, oh, you love them Yeah, you love them because hate and love is the same which is maximum emotion. Yeah You're you're thinking about it. It's like that don draper. It's like, you know what? I don't think about you at all

Yes, yeah, don draper Draper them All right, let's take a break. Thanks some sponsors and then we'll be back with murph after this This show is sponsored by better help. Thank you better help if you're finding yourself in a difficult anxious stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place and It's not necessarily easy to find a therapist

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It yes, we're working like crazy on it. Uh comes out Wednesday, November 8th. Wow, that's soon. Yes, 8 p.m Eastern 7 p.m Central Wednesday Wednesday on pop. What are you? What are you looking for? What are you most excited and nervous about? Is it reviews? Is it ratings? Is it? Oh boy friends your friends and family will think yeah, it's this I don't I mean all of it I as soon as you guys said that I feel like you're strong. I saw you start Imaginary cat. Yeah as as we were talking about like cats just hanging out and everything else to your problem Then you're like reviews rating everything. Um, honestly, I haven't we're still in posts

So we still need to like finish delivering the episode So the idea that the show is coming out is it'll be on the air as you're as I'm still working. So it's crazy Um, but I don't know the episodes look great Like I'm just pumped for people to get to see it and everything and then what's the plan? Is it 10 episodes air 10 weeks in a row season? I think it's probably gonna be 10 in a row I I think there was some talk of doing two episodes premiere night, but I haven't heard anything about that since It'll probably just be one episode premiere night. I don't know if they're gonna take any time for the holidays But it'll probably just be 10 weeks. Cool. And what's it like? Is this your favorite thing you've ever done?

Yeah, it's it's certainly I mean more than the videos we made together. Oh, dude. I mean double date Hey, I don't know why I'm serious. Then hot then hot date. That was certainly more fun That was really less effortless really fun. That was a real fun Uh, a couple of weeks. Yeah, I worked on those. That was the prequel to hot date. Yeah. I mean it totally kind of was I mean that that's the cool thing about getting to work on hot date is that we've done kind of these other like tv projects and Worked on like pilots and things like that But this is the first time that we feel like we really got to use like our college humor skills and just pull them into tv Like literally it's emily and I playing ourselves like we do in college humor videos

That takes us into us playing other characters like we do in college humor videos It's just us finally getting to do like the 22 minute version of that. Yeah, that's just Really cool. I was happy to see that and it's just like it's half sketch half narrative So it's you and emily playing tons of different people. Yeah, so it's it's we end up playing Ourselves and then usually like two or three other characters each per episode and there's like, you know The a story will follow us and then there'll be a b or a c story that uh, Well, some other couple we follow them throughout the night. It's almost like a portlandia. It sounds like a little bit It feels way different than portlandia. Just because it feels way funnier

because It's just it's um, I think our we're so like loud and raunchy and low class that it's just the polar opposite of portlandia Like portlandia is very funny in a different way and we think we're funny in a different way and you know, yeah Makes sense. I think it feels pretty different So in a perfect world these come out and then you make 10 more can you make 10 more? Or is this like this is everything we got it was I it's funny at like

While we were writing it and shooting it. I was going crazy And I was like, I don't know how we're gonna pull this off But then as soon as we finish like any and you guys know like anything else You probably like once you finish jake in a mirror now you have like a billion jake in a mirror But while you were writing it you were like, I don't know how we're gonna put it together this week Yeah, everything. Yeah, but now we have you know a bunch of episode ideas It's like we could definitely come up with more stuff. That'd be great. Yeah, would you be down? For sure just go straight into it. Who do you need a break? I need a month off for sure

He said it was like shooting was three months straight. Then you've been it basically editing for like three months straight Yeah, and we were writing before that so it's been yeah, it's been like seven months of Have we now they weren't would you still host a podcast? Yeah, well, we took we took a little uh, we took a little hiatus there over the summer But yes 8-bit book club. It's that gum podcast. Hell. Yeah. Yeah read uh video game books Yeah, how do you have time to read anything let alone talking about it? It's the last um the like last few episodes of the podcast before we took our hiatus It ended up being like less and less us actually reading books

And we're just talking about video games. We're just talking about video games and stuff So we're like, all right when we come back we'll have to actually start reading books again Do you have time to like unwind do anything else like have a hobby like have you done anything? I'm super into dnd Super into it. That's like all I do is work and play Dungeons and Dragons and that is my retreat Wait, when did that start? It's the card game, right? There's a video game. No, it's like a role playing D&D Dungeons and Dragons. I don't I really don't you don't know what Dungeons and Dragons is. It's it's not a card game You like love Aragorn. You're like all into toky and shit. Yeah, I do. You would love this. You would lose your shit

I know that's why partly why I don't you would love it. Can I come and do one? Yes? Absolutely I play with um, I play in one group um with um Brennan Lee Mulligan. Um, he's at college humor now um, shivan uh, zacko yama john wolf

uh, travis helwig And emily if you'll do characters and stuff. Yeah, we do i'm a dwarf paladin in in that campaign and then i'm a dm Uh for another campaign that I play with like my new jersey friend. You do like roll dice for certain things, right? There's rolling dice and and there are cards. Are there not cards in the milk? Um, I mean you can have spell cards if you want them, but you don't need them. They're like in the book Oh, I see so the way the reason dnd is cool is because it's so The reason dnd is cool is super cool is that you can kind of do anything so unlike if you were playing like a You know a board game or an rpg or something. It's kind of on the rails a little bit

Yeah, but dnd would be like Amir and jake like you're you're a ranger and you're a bard You guys would pick you guys would pick your own character. I picked ranger. So you make a you make a ranger Um, I would be the dm You guys have met in this tavern when suddenly this like mysterious man walks in and takes a seat up at the bar You could talk to that guy if you want to you could just throw a knife and try to kill him You can you can do whatever you want and it's my job as dm to Kind of improvise and go with you and have to choose your own adventure. Yeah, and have things prepared

Are you prepared? Is it prepared? Are you improvising? It's both. So like no, what if I was like I'm not gonna throw a knife at him, but I'm gonna go up and like slap him across the face And what if I'm like not paying attention? I'm like watching something on my phone And I'm like I have to go take a shit that would be rude. Yeah, that would just be you just be being a rude person Which would have nothing to do with the game. Yeah, okay. I think I could play But if you slap it would depend on who the so if it was like oh like you know who the guy is I know who the guy is so I know how he would respond So if that is like a demon dude who was coming in and you were supposed to just kind of like

Approach him carefully or whatever. He might like punch you into the wall and do a bunch of damage to you But what does damage mean? Like do you have life points? You have hp. Yeah, you can die You can totally and you can die and your character is dead forever But dnd campaigns can go on for like i'm both the campaigns i'm playing in or over a year long And has anybody died? Um one character died in the campaign that i'm DMing and did they did they come back to something else? They just started a new character. Yeah. Oh, but it's like you're emotionally It'd be like if you when you die are you actually saddened?

For sure. You would be saddened. Yeah, sad is one of your your favorite sports team loses I would say probably sadder Unless it was like well if your team loses the super bowl, would you see if team loses the super bowl? That's how sad you would be if your character died Well, it kind of depends on if it would be in like a cool way or not Like my dwarf paladin right if he if he was like holding off some people telling the other guys to run Gandalf style fighting the ballrog. Yeah, that would be a cool way to die And i'd be saddened, but i would be satisfied

If my dude just like If it fucking dies, i'll be upset But what's to stop your your dm from doing just being like oh there was a landslide in your paladin jet But it's not but that's the game is not like me versus you right it's a story telling a story telling thing So it's cooperative so the so when would he ever like fall off a cliff or die accidentally? so that would be The job of the dm is sort of like deal out consequences so that the world is cool So if i'm like i'm gonna try to climb down this mountain and he'll be like, okay, it's very craggy

Okay, well i'm gonna start going down. Well, tell me how you do this Do you like put ropes in and you have mining equipment and you go down? No, i'm just gonna start kind of running down it and then they're just like, okay Roll dice and you roll and it's like you've got plus two to dexterity That means you roll your d20 and let's say i roll a three that means i got a five and he had in his head He needed to beat a 15. I fall off the fucking cliff and i'm dead and then are you like wait never mind Come on. Let me get my shit back and he's like. I'm sorry. He is dead. Yes pretty much You well, it depends on do you ever negotiate?

People definitely try to negotiate with a dm all the time like come on. I try not to yeah, it's more of like if you dm you do it less maybe although there's some people who then once you read all the books You know the stats of all the monsters and people become like Yeah, i dm one of them. Yeah, which one the one with my friends from new jersey that i like skype with them Emily and i play with them. Wait, you do it you do it over skype Yeah, so when you're not the other one the other one's in person the other one's in person. Do you guys get drunk? Yeah, sometimes what about in chicago you couldn't do it? I did not do it while i was in chicago. It had to take a few months off. It was a bummer. Oh, wait. No, I did

I played on skype. I did play i kept playing your dwarf was in a coma Yeah, my dwarf was in a coma. I didn't get to play my dwarf, but I was the one i dm'd We kept playing. Wow. Yeah on skype Would you ever do that? I would sit in on one of but I mean like it sounds like it's kind of an intimate I don't know. You should we should just play you would love it. All right. You fucking love it, man. And then Cats and dnd guys and that's what it's all about who owns it like who made this book who's making money off dnd So dnd started with gary gygax and some

I forget the other dude's name, but some like war gamers back in like the 1970s and then it um It got super popular and then there was all that weird pushback of like people thought uh It was cultish and like satanic worshipping and stuff and it kind of died out a little bit But recently wizards of the coasts the people who um do magic the gathering and stuff They bought it and they did um, I don't know if they did fourth edition also But they did fifth edition and fifth edition has been super popular interesting also because it's simpler now and because of Podcasts and like a lot of people like play it live. Right. I guess I thought dnd was magic the gathering because that one's all Cart related, right? That's a game cool idiot. Sorry about jade. I'm really sorry about it. I want to play

Great. I hope um, everyone enjoyed listening on this commie podcast as I passionately try to sell you on dnd I am I am curious about it. The problem is I don't like I don't even like the movies So I don't think I'd be a good one, but you would you would just have fun. You could just do whatever you want, right? You could You could just be a goof man. I guess it could be a jester. Yeah, the risk is that you would want to you would want to like Fuck with stuff. You like you that's how I'd want to troll. Can I be a troll? It depends, you know

Or is it all positive and helpful? it There are ways It's it's actually it's way funnier when you're like trying to win because it's always funnier to like Try to climb down a mountain and roll a one and fall off the mountain than it is when somebody's like I'm doing doing and I'm a naked troll Like it's not fun. You know, are people are people being funny during it? Is it funny? Are you laughing? It's some of the hardest I've ever laughed

In my life has been during dnd games. That's why that's another reason that I want to play I do know I understand that it would be amazing. Yeah It's very funny there's one Here's here's one time when I had to like calm everyone down My players started a bar fight against these really strong dudes. They were supposed to well, I mean, you're not supposed to do anything whatever Uh, it was like sort of like a Han Solo situation where you're supposed to like go to the bar and like hire this like renegade guy

And he was like a strong dude They instead got into a bar fight with him because he was gruff and he knocked them all out And stole all their stuff and everyone woke up and everyone was so pissed and Emily was like I killed myself My character kills herself and I was like, don't Do you really you want to kill yourself? She's like, oh, I guess not So you can say I kill myself at any point. I guess if you really wanted to like Commit suicide you could commit suicide. I kill myself. My dwarf absolutely hangs himself by his asshole Your dwarf could hang himself

And the dm would have to allow that. That's certainly a podcast, right? It's just a dnd game. Yeah, that's uh adventure zone That's the macaroy brothers and then um critical role. They do uh Like a really great like twitch stream and stuff. All right, so it's too late for us to monetize it So I guess Amir is out. I'm a hard hard pass then Uh, all right, we got to answer another question. Otherwise, I'm not doing my job. Sure as an elf This is an elf troll This is from a lady one question from a lady Uh, you got a fake name for her. Yeah

TV pipes. I like that Very very in the room very to your right. Uh for the past three years writes tv pipes Um Of my life. I've been living an enormous lie. I'm not proud of it But it's gotten bad and I don't know who else to turn to three years ago I moved to a new province wherein I didn't have any friends province I wanted to desperately to have anyone befriend me so in order to seem cooler Hipper and more approachable. I told people I wore glasses. Sorry. My mom wouldn't let me buy fake glasses

So I told people I wore contacts And for three years I've been living this huge lie and it didn't matter because no one around was No one was around to question me about it, but this year I have a few close friends And I just don't know how to say hey, I don't actually wear contacts Do I even tell them that I've been lying for them for years? I'm getting close with them and just I've dug myself into a hole and I feel like I'm never going to get out of it I want to tell them but how first off Holy shit calm down

He yeah, well, um I think I'd be able to forgive somebody eventually So you just have to get this out. You gotta get out ahead of it. You know, I will say I'm pissed that you're that somebody said They wore contacts. Can you imagine? Yeah, can you imagine sure if you found out I like if you found out I wore contacts I would be a little confused. You'd have to do the flash mob gaming flash mob That's I invite a bunch of people on facebook to wear glasses. I think there's there's two ways out

Two easy ways out. Yeah One you lie one more time and say you got lacy. Perfect. You'll never ever have to work again But you gotta give yourself a week off or something. It takes a little while This is the other thing that I think you might be able to do is never ever mention it. Yeah, no one and no one will ever care Don't you wear contacts? You know, I think no one will ever say that. Don't you wear contacts? No, you said you did No, I didn't Is this person just like hanging out at sturdling optical

that they're Like meeting people who are impressed by the fact that they were a contest What is so cool about not like I thought it'd be cool if I had glasses Which is not cool. Then I thought it'd be cool if I wore contacts, which I think is even less cool You just have eyes There's yeah, there's two explanations here either There her friends don't actually care because that would be an insane thing to think someone was cool for or To tv we're only your friends because you wear contacts. Yeah, we're the contact sisters. Do you know which one of your friends wear contacts?

I think I would know I guess if pressed on it, I could maybe figure it out. Like jake, you don't wear a context, right? No Yeah, I clearly wear glasses in mirror. I think I feel like I could have answered that if I wasn't In the room. What about any what about ricky van vien? Ricky. Oh man. Would you go contacts or no? No, no contacts. Yeah, I'll say no contacts What about streeter? Streeter wears contacts. Wow. You know what? I was gonna say the opposite. I was gonna say ricky contacts. You're no contacts

How about sara? Wow. Oh, sara does because she has glasses Yep. I think yeah, I think I've seen her wear glasses. She does. Pat, no contacts Right. I don't know. I think pat's perfect vision. No contacts. David, you on? Definitely contacts. Contacts. I've seen him wear glasses. Yeah, right. It's all about who you've seen very tired wearing glasses. Oh, that's true. It's like when I'm tired I wear glasses like dan has glasses Dan has tired glasses. Jeff, I don't think I've ever worn contacts. No, I'll say that for a fact. Have you ever worn contacts? I wear them. Here's the thing is I have Good enough vision that

If I'm not wearing contacts, I can still like I'm I'm nearsighted so I can still see everything around me I still see my computer like the world is not blurry to me It just looks better and I can read far away when I have glasses on so I don't really need contacts Because if I'm ever like, oh, I need to shoot a scene or something where I don't have glasses on I just take my glasses on Oh, you're not nears. You're you're the kind where near stuff is blurry. No, I'm near sighted means I can see near Yeah, you can see me. I can yes, but you cannot see far. I can't See me. Well, you cannot I can't I can't see I can't see near but I can see far away. Yeah, I can't I could see can I can't

You know jake needs glasses. I have glasses. I just don't wear the glasses I have what you have. I'm nears. I'm also nearsighted. So you're like taking that 12-year-old jock mentality in your adulthood. It's not that I like I can't get actually you're not invited to nerf No, I don't join my campaign. I want to wear my glasses all the time But I feel uncomfortable with with how clear I can see It makes me nervous It did take me it It took me a long because I got my glasses in sixth grade

But again, it was just like I needed them to read the board But my normal life everything felt fine So I would literally have them out in front of me put them on When I was had to read something on the board and then would take them off and wouldn't wear them in the halls or anything like that Do you know your prescription is? I don't I don't know it off the top of my head. It's like see I don't I The reason I could use glasses is like sometimes when I walk into a bar or any like long room I have no idea who is there like if I'm meeting somebody those long rooms

Yeah, or like hallways are the worst or like a menu. You can't read the menu. Yeah, no chance But like that's always been fine But and like the reason I don't wear the glasses is because when I'm talking to somebody face to face I can see things so clearly that it makes me feel like I'm invading their privacy. Oh interesting So you're just like a maniac. Yeah, I'm insane That's why I don't wear glasses So you can tell this person lacyc or continue the lie or don't bring it up. No one will ever bring it up I think no one will bring it up. I think don't

I this is I normally I would say just have an honest conversation, but this is One situation that is so minor in who cares and you will seem insane for saying you lied about this Hey, we have to sit down and I have to tell you something. Yes You got lacyc and you say that after they ask you if you're wearing contacts And they're not going to ask you that so just keep that one in your back pocket lacyc is the lie Wait until they don't even you'll never bring it up. You'll never need it. It's not you you do not initiate that But when they say wait, I thought you were contacts like oh, no, I got lacyc bullet in the chamber. Boom, right? Wikipedia lacyc eye surgery though because they ask follow-up questions. How was it?

I was thinking about doing that. Is that safe? Yes. It's safe. Absolutely. Where did you go? I want to I want to go to the same doc. Yeah, look up which doctor you went to. Yeah, you need this to be air tight Okay, no, you say if they start asking questions like oh, I don't know. I'll I'll find out I'll find out Let me let me I'll one night on wikipedia Keep it in your back pocket That's what I say live forever. That's what I say. Uh, all right. Thanks murph. Thanks for coming by. Oh, yeah We appreciate you coming by every hundred or so episodes or maybe we'll actually see you 100 perfect hundred nice even Nice even have to be back for 400. Let's hang out in less than a hundred weeks from now

Yeah, let's do it. That's the goal The opening song was written by jacob le grand his closing one is written by a uk musician Who's in some sort of contest? Wherein he can win if you go to facebook.com slash fin henderson music. He says Uh, he a top 100 of a music competition and if you vote for him So go to facebook.com slash fin henderson music if you like this theme song You can you can vote for him and then he can win a lot of money And if you win that money, make sure to give me half of it fin very nice and make sure to watch hot date which premieres

Well, one second i'm not done actually make it 60 of the prize pool. This is insane for another mention. Let's talk about facebook.com he's getting more of a plug than i fin henderson Yes hot date win hot date pop tv uh november 8th 8 o'clock 8 o'clock November 8th 8 November 8th 8 i love that Uh, awesome. I look forward to watching that show. Thanks for coming by mirf. We'll be back next week with episode 300 Some advice and if you're being kind of a douche don't expect them to be nice That was a hate gun podcast