If I Were You - 30: Film Reviewers

Episode Date: May 27, 2024

In this episode we play movie critics, wavelength, and quick characters.Advertise on Segments via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HITGUM original. won't last each effort to try and stop their career from going to shit Another podcast, each app different from the last It's the Swiss Army Nightbook shows, meet your two pathetic hosts Seconds Back at it again with the white cans Wow, that's so funny you say that because I just posted a picture of us on our Instagram story

and I want you to read the caption I chose which is really a good segue into the first segment of us getting on the same wavelength. This is what I wrote. Okay, read this. Back at it again with the white tans. So really close. Really close.

You're usually not this askew in the chair. We're back in the same studio again, but the New York studio this time. Right, the studio doesn't have a lot of depth. So I guess we've rearranged the cameras to accommodate. You're like facing fully towards me. Yeah, we don't usually do that. Usually you cheat out toward the camera.

But this camera, it's driving to my left side. So this is fine. And it's set up for that. I guess I can fully turn. I don't need to worry. You don't need to like sort of like cheat out to the audience. I can just be myself.

Because there is no audience. Right, exactly. Also I was thinking, well, that was our original theme song. Yes, shout out to Ferris. We're back to the OG. People first didn't like it. Because it was too mean. Then we switched it.

Now this one's too nice. Now we're back to the original too mean one. We gotta write one more that's just innocuous. It's in the middle. It's timid. It's tepid. It's fine this one's too nice. Now we're back to the original two meet. We got to write one more that's just innocuous. It's in the middle. It's timid. It's tepid. It's fine. It's saying nothing. Yes, because we are nothing. It's a beige flag. Exactly. Exactly. My beige flag. And then the last thing I was thinking about

is when we do do a live show, the whole audience can participate in our stiff hands up. That's going to be really nice. When are we going to do a live show? Probably 2025, 2026, something like that. That's so far away to say 2026. This is 2024. Yeah.

So election in November, and then we'll do one in like December, January. I see. Okay. Yeah, but I mean, I feel like we could do one pre-election. Really? Yeah, we could do like October in Chicago. That'd be really nice. That's cool. we could do one pre-election. Really? Yeah, we could do like October in Chicago. That'd be really nice.

That's cool. Or we could do post-election, we move to Australia. Depending on who wins. Yeah. Depending on how rigged it was. Right, exactly, exactly, right. Well, since we were on the same wavelength, let's play that wavelength game.

Okay. Which we used to do before live shows. Yes. To get on the same wavelength, we're gonna say three, two, one, then any word in the world. Exactly. And then we're gonna try to use word association

to get closer to that same word until we're saying three, two, one, and the same word. This is how we get on the same page, on the same level. Although, out of nowhere, we said back at it again with the white, and then it's something that rhymes with van, so it's a good start. Right, exactly. Maybe we shouldn't play this game because we can only get further apart. We said back at it again with the white and then it's something that rhymes with vans So yeah, good start right exactly

Maybe we shouldn't play this game because we can only get further apart no we can get a hundred percent accuracy total overlap Okay, it's a little hard to explain, but we can just show it to you guys This is how we used to get sort of on the same page three two one door three two one Two one Door. Three, two, one. Socks. Window. Three, two, one. House. Three, two, one.

Home. Three, two, one. A apartment. Three, two, one. A four. Three, two, one. Studio. Studio, no.

You waited for it. I cheated, yeah. I didn't know I was, yeah. Cause there's a cat and mouse game of do I go to your word? Yeah, go to mine Uh-huh. Yeah, I thought you're gonna come to mine faster. Yeah, okay. Okay, so that was hard. Okay, it was rough We should say this is segments On a show that changes every 15 minutes. Okay. Okay, let's we'll do first segment is this game

Yeah, let's really try to nail it. Okay, okay three two one potato three two one fries Let's really try to nail it. Okay. Three, two, one, Pants. potato. Three, two, one, Shirt. Shirt. We keep going back and forth. Three, two, one, Pants. Pants. Yes. Yes.

Yes. That's how you do it. And now we're sort of warmed up. We're calibrated. So the third one is just, we might even nail it in one. Right. Like there's no world where we don't just fucking get it. It's true.

Like, and it doesn't have to be something in the room though it can be. Yeah. Yeah fucking get it. It's true. And it doesn't have to be something in the room, though it can be. Yeah, it could be, all right. But it doesn't have to be either. Why should it be? It could be anything in the fucking planet. It could even be an adjective. Oh fuck, it could be a color.

Three, two, one, blue. Yeah, that's what I'm thinking. Oh yeah, oh yeah. Okay, ready? Okay. Three, two, one, snow. What did you say? I said tree, and you said snow. It's not that far off.

Not too far apart. Three, two, one, nature. Three, two, one, forest. Ooh, I was gonna say forest too. Three, two, one, squirrel. Three, two, one, grass. Three, two, one, chipmunk. Chipmunk, yes.

And that's, that was pretty good. Yeah So you're not listening to what I say is what I'm starting to realize What do you mean? You're just sort of hopping between and I should say homie hop in between Different words that you say you say mountain and then you say hill I said snow and you didn't even fucking calibrate to that at all. Well, you're steamrolling me You came to I you came to me also I came to New York for I came to the studio And you're not even seeing the forest from the mountain from the snow from the trees Yeah, you said squirrel you said chipmunk. Yeah, I have to meet you more than halfway

Yeah, but in the second one, I think I came I came to you because you said hat and I and then I said shirt and then we both said pants Nicole you play back every word we've said so far I said potato and then you immediately can't rise like the little sub Cuck you are I said right beta motherfucker. What did you say? I said potato you say I went directly to you Three two one corn Three two one woman we're going back to the other. Three two one movie! Blanket?

I said bucket. I got a bucket of popcorn. Bucket and blanket? No, what did you say? I said bucket. Yeah, you said movie. Movie, yeah. Three two one film!

Three two one soda! You're just describing a movie going experience and backwards. Three, two, one, film. Three, two, one, soda. You're just describing a movie going experience and backwards. Three, two, one, purchasing a ticket at home. Siding on a film. Have you seen a movie since Gemma was born? Not in a theater, but I did install a projector

at my house. Okay, that is badass. This is downstairs or up where the TV already is. No, because the the old den was right next to Gemma's like nursery. Yeah, shared a wall. We quickly realized that that just wasn't it wasn't good. No, no, because she would wake up to the noise of the yeah, we would creep in and it kind of worked when she was a baby baby. But then that like four months where just like noises

woke her up and she would just cry. I see, light sleeper. Yeah, not worth it. So TV's still up there, projector at the bottom. Yeah, the TV and then we installed the projector downstairs. But then also we should have done this when we had just the TV. It might have saved me a bunch of money.

But we got the Apple. Vision Pro, the goggles. Not the goggles, the headphones. Oh, interesting. So like, I'm getting incredible sound. As I'm watching- You're watching a movie at home with headphones. Yeah, Jill and I, you can connect up to two pairs

to an Apple TV. Wow. Did you think of that or did somebody tell you that? I've never heard of that, watching TV at home with headphones. Yeah, I thought of it and I just, I was like, I wonder if you can connect multiple pairs to an Apple TV. And then I Googled and it was like, yeah, you can connect two. Is that dangerous?

Like you can't hear anything else that's going on? No, like we have the baby monitor like. So you see visually. Yeah, we can see her. And also now she's like one. So it's like, if she wakes up, that's fine. Yeah, she can cry. Somebody can come in and leave.

She goes back to sleep. But yeah, if she woke up and cried, we wouldn't be like. I love this movie. fine yeah she can cry some she doesn't get she goes back to sleep but yeah if she's if she woke up and cried we wouldn't be like I love this movie really loud and we did watch we watched um Oppenheimer and I would headphones yeah the thing the whole time I felt like I had the Oppenheimer experience

maybe not exactly that Christopher yeah yeah that's not me too but it was on it was on it's a good Alpenheimer experience. Maybe not exactly, but that's interesting. Christopher Nolan wanted me to, but it was on a, it's a 110 inch projector, but he shot it in 4K IMAX. So he really wanted to experience it. I didn't see it in IMAX. Yeah, and I did have to stop it a few times to take a shit during the bomb sequence.

We do, well, I mean, that's just, I think parenting, we watch movies like we're watching a season. Like we're binge watching a TV show. Like we're binge watching a TV show, yeah. 40 30 minute shucks. Yeah, 40 minutes at a time. Did you like Oppenheimer? No, no. I thought it was.

Let's take a break. Okay. Thank you to Helix for sponsoring this episode of our show. Oh yeah, baby. Your favorite mattress, Jake, you sleep on a Helix. Damn right, that's damn right. So you know how comfortable it is. I assume Jill also enjoys her sleeping on a helix.

I believe, yeah, her and her new boyfriend also sleep on a helix. You have a throuple situation or it's two different beds? No, I just, well, she in, not a divorce, the separation, she got the helix, but then I was able to get myself a different helix, so I'm- Well, odds are you have two different Helixes because they offer 20 unique mattresses.

So whether, does Todd sleep on his side, a stomach Dino, or do they just sort of spoon? I don't know what kind of sleeper he is. I don't even know how much sleep they're getting or if they're just having a lot of sex or whatever. But my Helix right now, I got a studio apartment in Hell's Kitchen. Yeah, there's no better way to test out a new mattress.

So like if Todd wanted to give it a hundred night trial, Helix not only has that, but they also have a 10 to 15 year warranty, which is kind of cool. He's really smart like that. He does, he often shops for something with the warranty. He does taekwondo, right? He's a black belt.

Yeah, he is a black belt. I don't know where he finds the time because he's also, he's a doctor. I wonder how Todd did on the Helix sleep quiz, which is just a few simple questions and then they match your body type with the perfect mattress for you. Yeah, well, no, I mean, he took the MCAT,

so I feel like he probably was able to nail that test. And the best part is, Helix is now offering 30% off all mattress orders and two free pillows for our listeners. Does Todd listen to the show? No, he doesn't. I doubt it. He's like, he doesn't have time for podcasts, right?

Yeah, but I know I don't need him. He calls them your little radio shows. How's your little radio shows doing? Yeah, right. Did I tell you I have your little radio shows doing? Yeah, right. Did I tell you I have a roommate in the studio? Yeah, so I have a roommate. Ryan, right? Yeah, this guy, Ryan.

Well, you or Ryan or Todd or anybody listening can go to helixsleep.com slash segments. That's helixsleep.com slash segments. They're offering 30% off. Oh my God, this is their best offer yet and it won't last long. Finally, some good news in my life. Yeah.

And with Helix, your better sleep starts now. So do check them out. Support Jake, he needs it now more than ever. Thank you. That's helixsleep.com slash segments. This podcast is brought to you by Squarespace. Oh yeah, baby. It's an all-in-one website platform.

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You have to spell Facts, F-A-X. Got it. But it's still, it's still relevant, it's still good. It's seen. I believe they're still making facts under Snapple. Yeah, I haven't gotten to Snapple in a while. Do they even still sell Snapple? Snapple might be out of business.

No, they have, they're still Snapple might be out of business. No, they have. They're still Snapple. I've seen them around. Yeah. Okay. And I bet they still have fax. And like if you're drinking Snapple and using a fax machine, then goddamn, what an awesome era that you're stuck in.

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Squarespace. Thanks. And we're back. Yeah. Did you like Oppen. Thanks. Losers. And we're back. Yeah. Did you like Oppenheimer? Yeah. Sorry. The black guy.

I forgot we owe Christopher Nolan a lot of money, so we couldn't say the bad thing about the movie. No, I thought it was bad. Wait, were you here when, oh God, now I can't remember what Jill described it as, but I think she just described it as a bunch of meetings either happening or not. Yeah, that's not entirely untrue.

We should do a film review segment officially, but I thought Oppenheimer was great until the bomb went off. It was like a cool two-hour movie. And then Christopher Nolan's like, well, not so fast. This is actually a three hour movie. The last hour being a courtroom thing that it didn't follow at all. Right, it was just, I feel like if it was any other director

but Christopher Nolan, they'd be like, let's get it up to the bomb and then we're out. Which I usually don't like like film executive notes like let the tour do whatever you want. Sometimes they know what they're talking. Yeah, they would have been right in this specific case. Like I didn't need to see the Robert Downey Jr. black and white courtroom scene after the bomb went off.

That was the most exciting moment. Yeah, and like also when you watch it over six days, you don't really remember who all the people are. Yeah, you're like, wait, what is this about? Like socialism? Is this Russian guy on their side now? Is he an ally, but he's mean? When they're building the bomb and Matt Damon is there,

that was fun. And then when it goes off, that was cool. Yeah, now thinking back on it, I think I did enjoy the first half, but I didn't compartmentalize it. I just think that the whole entire experience is tainted by how meandering the whole entire thing is. Yeah, which is especially drawn out when you watch it

over the course of a week. Yeah, but I mean, it's beautiful. It was, it was. Well made. Yeah, I liked Dune too, a lot more. You also saw that in the headphones. A lot more at home, at home theater experience. With or without Jill?

With Jill. Oh, interesting. Power through or also through the The course of several days. Over two days. So a lot. A little more doable. Yeah, a lot more doable. Also a long movie. And she watched, she watched Dune, the first one, loved it.

Wow. Which I was surprised by. Yeah. And then before we were watching this one, she's like, I don't really remember what happens in Dune. And then I, we like watched a five or 10 minute recap video. I did that, yeah, cause I didn't watch remember what happens in Dune. And then we watched a five or 10 minute recap. I did that, yeah, because I didn't watch Dune one, but somebody wanted to see Dune two for his birthday.

Wow, yeah, that's gotta be weird. I did the five minute thing. I thought the five minute thing was better than the movie, the second thing. Yeah, I could imagine that. It sort of crams it all into a story that you can understand. That's an interesting story.

It's like somebody tells you that at dinner. That's how it's cool, but then you don't have to watch it. That's the three hour version, yeah. She watched the recap and was just like, I never saw this movie. Yeah, it was like, yes you did. You were there and you liked it. You said that you fully understood

the Lisa Al-Ghaib storyline. Yeah. You had notes. He has so many different names. Lisa Al-Ghaib, Quetzalc Haderach, Maud Dibb. Yeah. It felt like Star Wars fan fiction that I didn't fully get into slash understand. Yeah, I thought, I mean, I didn't think it was perfect.

I think that like, there's something that's a little boring about just like, Paul Atreides' character is perfect. He is the Messiah. He says he's not, but it seems like he actually is. The box of pain I thought was kinda cheesy and weird. Put your hand in this box. That's from the book. It hurts so bad!

Yeah! Use the force. It seems like it actually wouldn't be that hard to keep your hand in a box of pain if the outcome was certain death, if you pulled it out. Yeah, then you would just sort of create a fear, right? Yeah, and then they say, fear is the mind killer, like don't be afraid.

It was like, well actually aren't you afraid of dying, so you should leave your hand in the pain box? How do you sort of compromise these two things? Yeah, but I thought it was just like, it was beautiful to watch. It was very epic and grand. Yeah, but you don't see a lot of movies that look like that.

No, because no other movie takes place on this specific planet that Dune takes place on. Arrakis or Dune. Yes. No, I thought it was great. I also, but like I read the first book and watched the first movie and still like don't fully understand everything.

I like vaguely know the characters and that's it. Yeah, there's all, it's like, there's the story, which is like good guys versus bad guys, that you can understand on a surface level. And then there's like the details of the story. And I didn't get the details, but I understood it was good guy versus bad guy. Yeah, you can kind of tell which the bad guys are they're the ones that are completely

Yeah, they look like how would her fun? Yeah, they make them so insanely evil. There's no nuance. It's like kill this dad This one's evil this one's evil and this one's the most evil because he's bald hairless Yeah, they get a little more evil as they go down. Or the really fat evil guy. Yeah, fat evil guy. But he's kind of smart and he wants power. The other one is like evil and just wants to cause pain. And the last one is a complete sociopath.

But borderline an animal. Yeah. And then doesn't he defeat him in a sword fight or something like that? Yes. Duke Paul Atreides defeats the Naberan Fade Rousa in single combat. I will, do you remember?

I do feel bad for when they have to come down to a single combat. Like there's only so many ways to make that cool. Yeah, I thought that it was really cool though, because like the entire thing is like, you don't really notice because the scoring is so good. And then the score when they do that single combat, it just drops off and there's no music

and it's just like breathing and slapping. And I thought that was kind of cool. I guess at the end of the day, it feels repetitive to me to have like sword fighting. I've seen it before and I know who's gonna win. Right, you know who's gonna win, you know what's gonna happen. There's only so many ways to strike that's cool.

Like how do you make it new? It's like the same you know what's gonna happen. There's only so many ways to strike that's cool. Like how do you make it new? It's like the same as Princess Bride or something. But it's almost like a comfort because you're like, okay, and here comes the sword fight. It's like in a Bourne movie, you're like, all right, and here's the car chasing. Every movie has to have one.

Let's see how they do it. I'll also say the... This is not an official movie review segment. The casting, I'm not into casting like that. You know I hate casting. Like, or I'm indifferent to it. Everyone, so Star Wars, which I don't actually like the new movies very much,

I think they do a good job of casting people I haven't really seen before. I see. This thing, it was like entirely stunt cast. It's all of the most famous people. It's like, all right. Austin Butler. Austin, yeah, Austin Butler, Javier Bardem. Chalamet.

Chalamet, and then Zendaya, Florence Pugh. As soon as I see her, I'm like, and then Anya Taylor Joy, just making a cameo as his sister. Like, why don't they just get one person that is like, you know, fascinating to me, that I don't have to look at the screen and be like, ah, an A-list celebrity. The worst one-

Oh, you're saying you didn't like the guy. No, I did not like the guy. Oh, I thought you were praising it right now. Everyone was so famous and cool. No, I hate that. Oh, I see. Too many famous people. Yeah, too many famous people.

It's like, it looked, the entire thing looked like red carpet at the Met Gala or something. That's awesome. And the worst one was Christopher Walken as the emperor. Yeah. He's like, what are you doing making him the emperor? It's all just a Christopher Walken impression at this point. Yeah, it's so insane.

He's like, yeah, I thought that was terrible. Interesting. Yeah. Which is probably why the movie did so good because you have the most famous people, the hottest people all in the poster. Right, you look at the, yeah, you look at that movie poster and you're like, wow, this is incredible. Which is probably why the movie did so good because he have the most famous people the hottest people all right there You look at the yeah, you look at that movie poster like wow. This is incredible. It's it's so

It's so stunted. I did think when Javier Bardem would Shout lease what is it Lisa? I'll glide you Lisa now guy. Yeah, it was always like a funny moment Yeah, it was almost like a comedy in that world no I think I... He was like very O'Doyle rules. His character had so little to do. Yeah, but shout him. He was basically interesting right up until the point

that he believes that Paul is the Messiah, and then he becomes a cartoon of just like, he's the one, he's Lisan Al-Ghaidi. I told you, this is the guy. Let's do the fucking blood test now. Why are we fucking beating around the bush? Kill me, stab me with your knife. Yeah, there wasn't there like some sort of blood transfer

or the mom was the. In the book, I actually remember that that was like a lot more interesting because like Stilgar knew, or he believed that, Paul was the Messiah, but also knew that that meant he needed to lead, which meant that he knew that Paul needed the Messiah, but also knew that that meant he needed to lead, which meant that he knew that Paul needed to kill him.

So there was like this kind of animosity between them, which in the movie was just like, I wanna die for you, you're the one. Was the book also stunt cast? Would it be like the Emperor played by Christopher Walken? Right, yeah. It says, oh, I can't believe it. The universe's emperor, parentheses. Think Chris Walken. Yeah, Chris Walken. Right, yeah. It says, oh, I can't believe it. The universe's emperor parentheses.

Think Chris Walken. Yeah, Chris Walken here. Hey, I'm Chris Walken here. Read the following as Christopher Walken. I never thought this would come to pass in this specific way. It really just doesn't seem like an emperor type. Yeah, well, it seems like Christopher Walken

has his own accent. Every character is Christopher Walken as that character. Yeah, you have to just be like, if you're casting a movie, you have to be like, okay, and the emperor will be Chris Walken. You can't be like, okay, the emperor is like this. Who could play that? Maybe it's-

You have to write it for him. Yeah, and truly the opposite of, God, Kellan Skarsgarsgard, is that who, that's who Baron Harkonnen is. Oh, that's right, he's from Good Will Hunting. Yeah, like, and he disappears into that character. It's not just because he's wearing an insane fat suit and a ton of makeup, like, he really becomes that guy.

Wasn't there another Sarsgard? Or, no, I'm thinking of a different movie that had another, the Bill Sarsgaard was in it. Those Sarsgaards are very famous. Yeah, yeah they are. They're all good at acting. They really are. And they're tall and hot too.

I think to me, Shalom is also very good at acting, but I didn't think they gave his character anything. He's so one note. He's very skinny for being like the hero of this movie. Yeah, yeah, it's true. He's like a hipster. Right, whenever he like did that epic walk up the dune and he's standing in profile among the front of this movie. Yeah, yeah, it's true. He's like a hipster. Right, whenever he like did that epic walk up the dune and he's standing in profile among the front of his army,

like look how tiny his legs are. I went to Jewish camp with this guy and now he's the star of this movie. Now he's the Messiah. I don't buy that. Both in dune and out. Even Luke Skywalker was kind of thicker than that. Yeah, he had thick calves for sure.

And fucking Han Solo was a movie star. Han Solo was buff. Yeah, he was cut. Everyone in this movie was way fish. Except for Bautista, Dave Bautista. Although even Austin Butler is not like a fucking The Rock. He's ripped though, he's absolutely ripped. He was like sword fighting naked, was he shredded?

Absolutely shredded. Interesting. But I don't fighting naked, was he shredded? Absolutely shredded. Interesting. But I don't think of Austin Butler as like a strong guy. Well you should. Did you ever get the Elvis voice out of him a little bit? Yeah, definitely. Did you ever do that, like sneak into it a little bit? I like, I think Austin Butler is a great actor,

but I also just, he's kind of like a Christopher Walken type guy. He doesn't disappear into a role. He's just like, that's Austin Butler. I can really see that. I one point he did the sword thing and he said, uh-huh, uh-huh. Yeah, a roll.

Yeah, whoa. Yeah, when he was fighting Timmy Shalimar at the end, he was like, you ain't nothing but a hound dog. Cutting all the swords. You ain't nothing but a hound dog cutting all the swords you ain't nothing but a sword five Austin that was great you're think you're still doing Elvis you ain't never shot a guy and you'relaib. I don't know any other Elvis songs. I can't do anything else.

How do we not know any other Elvis songs? Hound Dog, I'm All Worked Up. I'm All Shook Up. All shook up, all shook up. I think that was it. He was really famous for those two songs. Yes, and it was the 70s. They didn't have any other songs. You just have to be hot, have two songs,

and suddenly you're the most favorite person. If you have a pompadour and you don't go to the army, you're hot. Or do. Or do, did he? I forget what he did. It doesn't matter. Yeah, it doesn't matter.

Because he had blue suede shoes. That's right. All right, that was movie review time. Thank you to Rocket Money for sponsoring this episode of our show. Correct. How'd you like more cash? I would love it.

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It finds the unwanted subscriptions. It says no, no, no. No, no. Rocketmoney.com slash segments. All right, we, no. RocketMoney.com slash segments. ["Assholes"] All right, we're back in the same room. Let's bring back a new classic, not like poetry or noatry.

This is a new fan favorite. Good. Which is based on an old thing we did, Quick Characters. I love it. Where we would yell new characters at each other and the other person has to throw themselves entirely into it. Okay.

An improv game of sorts. All right, great. This is based on the first video we ever made together. Bringing it back. This is the second time we've done it on the podcast. Yeah, so this is the third time we've done it in our whole entire lives. Holy shit.

Do you wanna give me a character first or do you want me to give you one? All right, I'll give you one first. Okay. Ahem. Holy shit. Do you wanna give me a character first or do you want me to give you one? All right, I'll give you one first. Okay. Guy on a first date who is overplaying the coolest thing about him. He's actually a descendant of Bram Stoker.

You know, the Dracula writer? No, I didn't. Okay. Have you been here before? Not me, but my great granddad used to come here a lot. Oh, that's cool. Yeah, I heard good things about the happy hour. I hear good things about my granddad,

or my great granddad. Oh, that's really neat. Bram Strokler, Bram, Graham Strokler. Do you know his name? Do you? You're talking about Bram Stoker? Bram Stoker. Oh yeah know his name? Do you? You're talking about Bram Stoker? Bram Stoker. Oh yeah, he wrote The Vampire Book.

My great granddad came up with that. Came up with it? Or made it popular, I think. It seems like you don't know anything about this guy. She'll do a martini and I'll have a glass of blood. I'm gonna call my friend and get picked up. Please do, I'm ready for a three way. It's not like that.

You're really weird. Okay. All right, nice warm up. So you're a kayaker who got stuck on an island with a fellow kayaker and you ate them pretty much right away. And you were they were sick or tired. Yeah, you resorted to cannibalism the first afternoon

and you're being rescued the next day. Got it, okay. Oh! Oh! Oh, hey, there he is. Thank you so much. Okay. Oh! Oh! Oh, hey, there he is. Thank you so much. Yeah. Oh, how long has it been since we've been gone?

You, well, you didn't get reported missing until late yesterday afternoon. Oh my God. Yeah. I'm so full. So I think it's been a less than 12 hours. I'm so tired. We do, we have brought a kind bar.

Oh, thank you. You're full, did you say? So we're looking for- I didn't think you'd ever come. Well, yeah, there's, you know. I ate him. You, George? George is in here.

The other kayaker? Yes, I ate him. Why? It could have been weeks, years, months on this place. This place. I consumed him in my mind while he slept. There's a Sinoco right over there. Really?

I thought that was a Noiziz. I thought that was a desert hallucination brought on by starvation. You're in Florida. Keep the kind, Bar. I still have my hoagie. I brought sandwiches for the trip and I thought I'd get to them second. I ate, George. I them second. I ate George. I felt full.

I still have the sandwiches and the ice pack. It looks like you ate his penis first. Oh, actually, PB and J? I can't possibly eat these all. I am stuffed. All right. All right. That would have been a good episode of Stuck,

our cartoon about being stuck on an island. Oh, that's right. Only that would be me trying to eat the guy on the night one. Yeah, yeah. And they're not even that stuck. I wake up. I think my kayak is actually still good. Just not biting my fucking foot.

Okay. Guy who's trying to get his friend laid because he just got fired, but it's not that kind of meetup but it's not that kind of meetup. It's not that kind of meetup. Yeah, I'm just sort of sad. Oh my God, I cannot believe it. Like, I don't know.

I feel like I'll get unemployment for six weeks and then I'm fucked. I don't have like rich parents. Well, that means you're not, you're actually not fucked for six weeks. And why don't we get you fucked for six weeks tonight? I can't, I don't even think I can afford it for a kid. I'm gonna wingman you.

I don't need a wingman. I think I'm so gut punched that I can't even think about anything else. You're gut punched? I'm gonna get you cock sucked. I have $3,000 left to my name. How much? 3,000 and rent is $22.50.

All right, you're buying drinks for the bar then. That's the first move. That's how we get people. Oh my God, it just hit me. Round of shots on this guy. I won't have health insurance for a year. I need you to wing man for me too. I'm diabetes.

I'm gonna die. A-B-D-E-S? In six months. Not sex. Death. I can't afford to live. Not here, not anywhere. That's an interesting pick up line, but try something like you come here often.

Cause I can make you come often. How much money do you have? Cause you don't seem like really stressed out about being unemployed. I have a trust fund that has 40 million million in it. So give me that. Give me the cash. Don't worry about getting me laid, getting my cock sucked.

I'll give you a million dollars if you can get your cock sucked tonight. Great, let's do that. Now that's the premise of a movie. Oh, that's a really good- Guy has to have sex to get money from his friend. This is actually kind of on theme. Guy who needs to get Michelle Obama

to go on a date with him and your life depends on it. Okay, do I see Michelle Obama? You have five minutes with her. Okay, am I on a date with Michelle or? No, no, no, this is like a fundraising event. You paid $100,000 for a plate at the table. It's two tables away from Michelle, but you get some face time.

Thank you so much for coming. Oh my God, this is such an honor. It's so amazing to see. Well, the honor is ours, thank you. Just to see you, President Barack. Oh, are you guys on the rocks, by the way? Are you? You and Barack, I remember you did an interview

where you were talking about the struggles of having children in the White House. Yeah, it's hard to have, but what a labor of love. I would have prioritized you. What? Look, no. Are you doing the impression of my husband? Your ex-husband.

Your ex-husband. What does a single Michelle Obama want out of life? Because I feel like everything you've done so far is in service of this man, who was awesome by the way, I'm such a huge, I stan the Obamas. I really do stan the Obamas. Your confidence is really intriguing. Really?

Yeah. I did three pushups before I started talking to you. How much money is in your checking account? $3,000. And I do have diabetes. Let's do it. Yes! I can't believe me and Michelle.

Yeah. Together forever. Finally. You're on a first hinge date with a fine Latin lover. At one point you say, I thought you were Mexican, but you have no explanation as to why. Yeah, I really like this place. Where are you from?

I don't understand how you want me to get this out. It'll come naturally. Where are you from? I'm from Connecticut. Oh, that's fun. My family's from Puerto Rico. Where in Mexico are you from? Oh, no, my family's from Puerto Rico.

I thought you were from Mexico. No, that's not what it said. I thought you were Mexican. Oh, I thought you were Mexican. Why? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I thought it said that on your hinge profile.

I thought I saw a Mexican flag or something. I know all of the flags. It said I love dirty dance. Pull up any flag and I'll tell you what country it is. I don't really get reception here. Okay. Anyway. Because I can describe some.

You've got green. What does the Mexican flag look like by the way? It's green, it's white, it's red, as in boy is my face red. Cause I thought you were from Mexico, but you said you're from Trinidad and Tobago. I said Puerto Rico. Puerto Rico.

That flag is red and orange. You're beat red right now. Yes, I know. It's not a big deal, it's fine. I thought you were from New Jersey, you're from Connecticut. That's actually really offensive. That's actually more offensive

than whatever the hell I said to you. You said you thought I was Mexican. Which is a bigger problem by the way. The reverse sexism thing that I'm experiencing. Yeah. This is awful. Do you listen to Joe Rogan? No, of course not.

Do you watch Tucker? He's on eggs. He's on ecstasy. I'm tired of walking on eggshells. All I can think of is really bad first dates, but I got some that are not. This is why we need to go back to Lonely and Horny. Do you have another one?

Yeah, a guy at Foot Locker who wants to try on baby shoes. Wow. So many options. I feel like I'm paralyzed with choice. Yeah. Can I, can I help you find anything? Yeah. Do you have these Jordans and a- Yeah. Do you look like a, what is that? One and a half.

10 and a half? One and a, 10 and a half? One and a half. One and a half? One and a half. 10 and a half? One and a half. One and a half. One and a half. I'm a one. I'm like between a one and a one and a half. Yeah.

In what, in life? In life. In life. Do you? Oh, those are sick Air Force Ones. These are, do you have them? These are. These are little, little, little booties.es. These are, do you have them as little,

little booties? My feet, yeah, didn't grow from birth. Yeah. Do you have like little soft booties? I have, yeah, we can, we have toddler shoes. This is a dope colorway, dude. Are these the new Shacks? Yeah, he taps you up. Little tiny fists.

Oh. Yeah, I have small hands and feet. All right. I'm a size, yeah, one. Is it even one? Do they have baby sizes? I think it's called like, maybe it's done in months,

and maybe the one is like one to two, as in like one to two years or something like that. Gemma hasn't worn shoes yet though. She's never worn shoes. No. When does that happen? I think when they start walking. I see some kids in like some kind of like slippers,

but we basically just put her in socks all the time. Interesting. She's not far from shoes though. Shoes. She has a pair of shoes. She just doesn't have any bones in her feet. Like it's, you can't make her put anything on. Would you say baby, you have baby shoes never worn?

I don't want to, yeah. That's the, they're not for sale. That's the only way. So it's like the nicest story. Baby shoes never worn, but she will. Yeah, but soon enough. Baby shoes not worn yet. The happiest story ever told.

Guy on a job interview, you, has really bad answers to some pretty banal and standard questions. Great. So this has been great. Just one last kind of funny curve ball to see that you answer in a nice normal fashion before, let's just say you get the job, but you pretty much have the job.

Hope it'll blow it on the finish line, sir. How many golf balls would you say fill up this room? How many golf balls? Oh man, a hazard, three or, let's say 12. 12. 12, or, well what's the size of the room? It's, it looks like- Talk it through, walk through your rationale.

10 feet by 10 feet with, looks like 11 feet. Nice ceiling height, by the way. Appreciate it. It's my office with the window over there. It's about to be. Really good height. So yeah, like 10, 11. Just how many golf balls do you think, Phil? 45!

45, I feel like that fills the space. You know what I mean? You don't mean just how many would be good to have. So this room's full of golf balls. I mean you shut the door and it's filled with a room with golf balls. Oh, I thought you meant like, damn, this room's full of golf balls.

Why are there 40 balls in here? But if you're saying how many actually literally make it so there's nothing but balls in here. What a premise, what a premise. I should, let's get my 401k set up because you said I had the job, but a hundred and 10 maybe. Thank you so much for coming in. I agree this is a formality.

Oh no, oh no. Baby hand? Small hand and a bad hand shake and you were thousands off. Crossing my leg, size one shoe. Oh wait, that was mine. You got one more for me. Okay, you are on a flight on the tarmac.

Your flight is not taking off, it's stuck. This is perfect, I was on a flight yesterday. Yeah, okay, so you are stuck on an airplane on the runway and you are going through a really messy divorce with the pilot of the plane. Okay. Hey there folks, we're just waiting for takeoff. It looks like the runway's a little backed up.

We're about 10th in line. Don't expect to leave anytime soon. Guy next to you. Excuse me? I was saying, don't expect to leave anytime soon. I more than know the pilot. We're going through. It's fine, I don't want to get into it.

Enjoy the flight. Sir, can I have you buckle? An insanely messy separation. Sorry, don't talk to me like I'm a fucking toddler. Did Todd send you back here? Tell him I'll put the seatbelt on when he gets the fuck away from the gate. Make sure everybody,

make sure your seatbelts are on, especially you. I'll put my seatbelt on when you back up from the fucking gate. Make sure everybody, make sure your seatbelts are on. Especially you. I'll put my seatbelt on when you back up from the fucking gate. And I'll back up from the fucking gate when you sign the fucking papers, Dale. Oh my god. By the way, this is exactly what I expected would happen. He would sabotage a fucking plane filled with people just to get his way. Okay. Oh, and here they come to de-ice us actually, so I'm gonna turn the seatbelt sign off, we're gonna be here for a while. Exactly, I wish someone would de-ice his cock. You know he has a frozen little prick dick. I do not. Yes, he does. I do not.

Prick dick, prick dick. Holy shit, the whole airplane is doing it. It's a mutiny. Todd runs out his icicle dick out. I knew it. He called his a prick. All right, one last one. Yeah. Guy who just shat himself during an all hands meeting and his office crush is talking to him

for the first time ever, whispering while the CEO addresses the room. Okay. Oh, shit. You gotta be kidding me. Hey. Hey. It smells awful in here, doesn't it?

I know. It fucking, this room leaks. That's funny. What's your name? What's your name? What's your name? Tony. Tony. Hey, yeah, I'm Veronica. Hi, Veronica. Oh my god. What is that you're sitting on? This is pie. I'm sitting. I wouldn't mind getting some pie with you Really turned on I really yeah, I feel like we have a lot in common I've been I've been watching you sorry for can you scoot over for a second? I just need to see the seat of your pants. I'm gonna scoot back and you can

Oh my god, it reeks Let's let's pay some respect to the boss though. Let's shh. And we'll catch up. Get some chocolate on your fire. Yeah. Oh no. That's a good rom-com moment.

It's like you have to eat your own shit to prove that it's chocolate. We've done that in Jake and the Mirror several times. Isn't that in something about Mary? It's like the hair gel thing. Oh yeah, yeah, he has to use semen as hair gel. Right, he's jerking off

and he shoots some comedy, he doesn't know where it went, and then he answers the door and it's on his ear. And she says, you have hair gel and then she puts it in her hair and it goes straight up. They don't make movies like that anymore. Yeah, nothing was funnier than that. That was the pinnacle of late 90s comedy.

That was in the trailer, which seems like really raunchy. Yeah, it's Seaman. Yeah. And now that I think of it as an adult, like when I was watching it, I was 13. So I wasn't really sure the physics of it. But for Seaman, for come to be that viscous that it would hang off your ear.

No, he's either jerking off too much or not enough. I would say in the fucking scripting phase, that doesn't make sense. Like if I said, and then she has a strand of cum by his ear. Yeah. I would think I would say like, oh, that doesn't fully make sense. Like semen is so.

But would you be fine with him zipping his whole entire penis all the way into his? That was so like visceral seeing that. Yeah, the zipper. Yeah, the zipper dick. Yeah, and then he had it stuck. And then they alluded to it a long time, but then when they showed it, the crowd was like,

it was into it, which doesn't which again, does not happen anymore. I bet that we should, that would be another fun segment is watching movies that didn't age well. There's a lot of stuff they make fun of in that, I mean, I think in any of the, yeah, in any of these comedies that we grew up on, I think would be very, very problematic. I think I told you this recently,

but in Ace Ventura, one of my favorite movies growing up, the climax of the movie is you find out a woman is trans, and then every police officer in the room starts vomiting, and that's how they sort of get away, because they can't stop puking at the bottom of a trance. Well, they all kissed her. Yeah, that's so, he has to fucking scrub his tongue. Oh my God, it's the worst thing in the fucking world.

Einhorn is Finkel, Finkel is Einhorn. It's the main part of the movie. Yeah, then he just goes over and he just vomits. And everybody in the room vomits. Including Dan Marino? Honestly, he should be canceled for that. Marino's in this movie. No, we should, let us know which movies

you think are the most problematic and we should rewatch them. Yeah, or just any 90s raunchy comedies. I can come over and we can watch them with headphones. It's a great idea. But you have to stifle your laughter too. So I would wear like a ball gag, headphones and a ski mask.

Yeah, that's a good character for a quick character. I'm babysitting your child. I spill wine on my pants. So I take them off and do a load of laundry. I wanna watch the movie, but I don't wanna talk to wake up your child, so you come home and I'm wearing headphones, no pants, and a ball gag. I'm watching something about Mary. That would be so disturbing.

Oh, my God. Oh, Mr. and Mrs. Hurwitz. I wouldn't pay you. See there, but Jem is completely fine. She's in a different roomitz. I wouldn't pay you. They didn't see there. But Jem is completely fine. Yeah. He's in a different room sleeping. Right, right. I'm an amazing babysitter.

That would ruin my life, I think. I don't think I could ever, I would never have another babysitter ever again. Okay, yeah. Have you had a babysitter yet? Yeah, we've had two. Oh. Two babysitters.

Is that stressful? Or I guess maybe three. Our downstairs neighbor has done it. We've like known her, so that was normal. Jill's parents have done it. Oh yeah, I mean, for the family you gotta trust. But then twice we like had friends that recommended people. Like yeah, Rando's that we met for the first time

as gems of sleep in a room. And we're like, all right, don't, we're outta here. Kill anybody. I'm so afraid to leave. Well, let's get an Italian dinner. Yeah. You think it's okay? All right, and then we're just at dinner,

like literally like watching the baby monitor or just looking at pictures. It's really makes no, we don't need to leave the house. Yeah, you could have a dinner at home. Yeah. But it's not considered a date night if you don't leave the house. Yeah, you could have a dinner at home. Yeah. But it's not considered a date night if you don't leave the house. Yeah, exactly.

What if they recommended a babysitter and just this 58 year old guy showed up, Tony? Seems perfectly lovely, but it's like, why is this a 58 year old guy? I would be fine with that. You'd be fine with a 58 year old? Yeah. More so than like a sweet teenage lady,

which you assume is like a babysitter? Yeah, no, I would be perfectly fine with that. I think maybe I'm more okay with an adult than somebody that seems like pretty young. Somebody older than you. Yeah, I would be fine with somebody older than me. Really last minute thing, but have you noticed as you get older that like adults are now younger than you?

Like I'm meeting like executives, I'm like, oh, what do you do? Like you're 33, he's like, oh yeah, I'm an Amazon executive. I'm like, oh, what do you do? Like you're 33. He's like, oh yeah, I'm an Amazon executive or I'm a VP or whatever. Okay, okay. But you're 19. He's like, no, I'm 38.

And you're 41. Yeah, Jill watches like Housewives sometimes or like Selling Sunset. And I see these people that are like, oh wow, like this is, she looks older. And then she's 36. I'm like, huh, so this middle-aged woman is two years younger than me?

Doesn't make sense. That's odd. How do you have four kids if you're 40? Oh, I guess that's fairly easily. And also all of the old soccer players are two years younger than me now. Yeah, the athletes doesn't ever make sense. I'm older than LeBron, but he's basically like, could be my father, it seems.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's 39. That's old. That's old for being as good as he is. All right, that was it. Solid Epp, we're back at it. We're back in the, what is it? Back at it again with the white tans slash vans.

Cans. Cans. For more of us, you can watch our Patreon, patreon.com slash J. ja. We're revisiting some classic Jake and Amir episodes. Yeah we watched some, we watched a really good one last week. I think it was Girls. Oh Girls. Yeah we're trying different pick up lines. Basically this quick character thing. Yeah that's true. Just chopped up with quick cuts. And we're recording these as videos.

You can watch it on our YouTube channel. True. Which is like called Jake and Amir Pods. But if you search Jake and Amir segments on YouTube, Yeah. You'll find it. Just Google us and follow everything. Everything.

Everything. From Letterboxd. Yeah. To my old MySpace. To being famous. To my LinkedIn. I have a LinkedIn and a Zenga. That's right. I have a live journal. We should get back on MySpace, to my LinkedIn. I have a LinkedIn and a Zenga. That's right.

I have a live journal. We should get back on MySpace. We have an OnlyFans. Really? Yeah. I didn't know that. Well, but I did see a little bright light when I was taking a shit the other day.

That's right. Was that you? Yes. You son of a bitch. I put a ring in your toilet. That's right. The anal ring. An aura ring. Yeah, ring on your ring. And we'll. The anal ring. An aura ring.

Yeah, ring on your ring. And we'll be back next Monday as always. Goodbye everybody. That was a Hidgum Original.