If I Were You - 30: Haehh! (with Patrick Cassels)

Episode Date: October 21, 2013

CollegeHumor's Pat Cassels joins us this week to discuss Captain Kirk, counting calories, and couples costumes.This episode is brought to you by NatureBox.com -- http://bit.ly/19QVjfj. For healthy and tasty snacks, delivered to you for free, check them out! And use coupon code "ifiwereyou" for 50% off your first shipment.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

Big and lame. Good-bye, working. Give me some real laughs, Mr. Johnson. Good-bye, working. Good-bye, working. Good-bye, working. Do you still think there's other B.C.S. in the street? Big and lame.

How good is sex life? First of all, I'm a good friend. Probably the hardest one. I'm a striking other friend. Not really an anti-glorian. I'm a good friend. I recently found out she's a virgin. And I'm planning on saving herself from the man.

See the cheese.com is available. Holy shit. Whoa. That was the Chemical Brothers live in the studio. I'm rolling face right now. It's 1 p.m. and you're sweating right now. Man, I fucking have a dry mouth. I haven't seen those pacifier necklaces in a few years.

Yup. LED pacifier necklace. This is not the kind of for babies. This is the kind for adults. How can you tell? You've got no drugs yet. I'm just about to. It's pure music, man.

Music is my drug. Also drugs. Yeah, I'll see ya. Music stands for methamphetamine, UberX. That I take to meet my drug dealer for... Which is a great service. That was submitted by a user named Noful, K-N-O-F-L-E. Noful.

Wow. What part of Sweden is he from? He moves around a lot. He's actually from Iowa. Oh, really? Yeah. That's where Captain Kirk is from, actually. Hey, it's Pat Castles, everyone.

Do not tell when he said we're Captain Kirk. Who set the over and under on Captain Kirk references to a minute and a half of the podcast and he just got it in. Just got a shade under the minute and a half mark. The shade under is... Nobody. The shade under.

This is, if I were you, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us. I'm Amir. And I'm Jake. And I am Patrick. Is that, that was the idea for this time? No, we usually don't say a single word until we introduce you. Sorry.

But you just, you said the first thing on the podcast. Amazing. It's a ball. It's a gush. It's like a complete lack of tact. A lack of tact and attractive act. I just was really, I wanted to make sure you guys knew that I'm a cool dude.

I'm ready to talk. I'm ready to chat with one another. You lacked tact. You lacked tact and facts. I did not lack tact. Fact. Fact. You did lack tact.

Take that back. I didn't lack tact. You tacked. You tacked and lacked. You really did tack. I appreciate if that statement would be retracted. Just Seinfeld genes are growing around you guys' legs right now. Well, thanks for coming on the show.

This is actually pretty exciting. It's our 30th episode. Oh, wow. So you're on the big 3-0. Big 3-0. We'll never have another 30th episode. No. That's true, unless the universe repeats itself as some physicist theorist.

Leave the show. Thank you for having me so much. I'm so sorry I even said that in the first place. I'm honored. I'm honored to be on. Thank you for having me. You said you listen to the show, but it sounds like in a way you just listen to like three episodes really, like on two-time speed on the way over here.

And like that was your like, like, yeah, I listen to the show. So like, how does it work? Like, do we answer questions? Hey guys, love this show. I didn't ask that. I brought up a question. But how many episodes have you listened to? You're taking this.

No, absolutely. I want to know. I want to embarrass him in front of everybody. No, I'm going to be completely honest with you guys. I've listened to every episode. Holy shit. It's beginning to end three times each. Holy crap.

That's crazy. You specifically said you didn't listen to the Pete Holmes episode yet. Well, that's like brand new. Oh, not that episode. Yeah. That was like a sort of special episode. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That didn't count.

Which turned me off. Anyway, but basically we talk about what's happening in the world of business. This is mad money. You have three business insider magazines curled up into a ball in your back pocket. I've listened to the show. I haven't listened to every episode. I don't, I don't really care. I was just harassing you.

You're really me. Pat knows how it works. Yeah. Let's explain to the audience how it works. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Pat can help. People write in with, people email us in their sticky situations, their conundrums, and we do our best to help them get out of them.

And sometimes it's just us too, and sometimes we have our friends on. And this time we have Pat. Come on. I like to move it, move it. I like to move it, move it. I can take some razzing. I'm not like, it's fine. You're steaming.

Yeah, you are clenching my thigh very hard right now. I get it. I get it. You prod the new guy because you love him. It's totally fine. And that's usually the case. So why don't we try to get started? Let's do it.

Oh, and if you want to submit a theme song or an email to us, that email is ifireashow at gmail.com. Gmail.com. So these are real emails from real people, and we're going to give them fake names. And Pat said he would have a good theme for today's episode. So Pat, what would you say if this was written by a guy? Who, who, what should we call him? I would say this would be Apollo.

Okay, so Apollo. Apollo writes. So probably he didn't say Captain Kirk. Enough, all right? I'm just saying. We've already razzed him quite enough, actually. You started this. No.

No, no. That's also very light razzing, compared to what you did, which was deliberately call him out within the first four minutes of the show. All right, ready? Yes. Apollo writes, what up, my nerds? What up, my nerds? That being said, my question to you, fellows, is how to...

I love this guy. Oh, I wrote this one. What's your show about? Science, sincerely. Apollo. All right, here we go. Apollo writes, what's up, my nerds? That being said, my question to you, fellows, is how to manipulate my girlfriend into losing

weight. She's pretty hot now, easily a seven out of 10, at least. And she's not fat, but she can lose weight. I am in impeccable shape, and I just don't understand why everybody can't just eat right and work out. Many tips, Apollo. You see what I look like right now. Why would you bring me on for this question?

Well, this is just how to manipulate a girl to lose weight. Wow, that's a provocative one. Or should you? Yeah. He didn't ask that, and we won't infer. Oh, God. We won't make our own questions. I have to answer this question?

Yeah, so how do you manipulate your girlfriend, someone you love, into losing weight? She's a seven, to say the least. And she's not fat, but she could lose some weight. Yeah, because she's not at the bare minimum of weight, with the weight you are when you die. She's in impeccable shape. He just doesn't understand why everybody can't eat right and work out. It might be impeccable.

I have doubt that it's somewhat impeccable. Yeah, his pecs are probably impeccable. Very nice. So here's what you do, buddy. All right, go into your dining room and just stand about five and a half to six feet away from the table. And then just fall forward as fast as you can. Don't brace yourself.

What? You're going to smack your head and face on the table, and hopefully it sort of knocks some sense into you, or at least breaks your face, because I think you deserve to have your face broken. Jesus. Yeah, I think he deserves it to be beaten up for this. But not by a human, by some sort of weird freak accident. He's got to do it himself.

And he has to fall forward? I think he should fall forward onto his face near a table. Like where? Hit his forehead or something? I would think like his teeth and nose. If he wants to fall side face, that's going to hurt his eye socket, his teeth, his nose, and maybe his ear. Baby, what happened to you?

I fell down on purpose onto a table and I hurt my face. I thought you were in impeccable shape. How did this happen? What's wrong with you? I guess you're not. I'm very suggestible. As a 700-pound woman, I'm concerned about your health. Oh my God.

Sorry. I'm eating you. So he's in impeccable shape, but he can only get a 7 out of 10. So I imagine he's got a lot to do with his personality. Or maybe his face is bad to be in. Or maybe, yeah, maybe he's not impeccable. Yeah. You could be in impeccable shape, but still be ugly.

Impeccable is a relative term too. Totally. You know, like in the early 19th, in the early 20th century, to be a rotund fat man was considered like the most desirable body, because then you were fat and wealthy and you could eat a lot of chicken and stuff. You know, like a Rockefeller type. You have a big old belly and you're just a fat cat. Whoa, that guy.

I think that guy eats chicken and ham. But now it's like Richard Branson's the new millionaire and he's a fucking stud. Actually, that question was from Richard Branson. I'm a Playboy billionaire with a perfect body. How do I manipulate my badass girlfriend? I hang out in space sometimes. She's not fat. She could just lose weight.

I mean, the genuine answer is, you know, yeah, you shouldn't, you should not, you know. It is a very shallow thing to say, although, but if you, let's zoom out a little bit. If you fell in love with someone. Way out, because this woman is so huge. I mean, she's enormous. Let's not get stuck in her gravitational pull. I mean, Jesus Christ. The word that really bothers me is manipulate.

Yes. I think that like this would be such a, it's a genuine question. You have to trick or like replace soda with diet soda or like a chicken with tuna fish. I want to inject steroids into her shampoo so she like moves around more. You know what you should ask advice on how to manipulate people. Yeah. Manipulate is a very loaded word. Well, it worked out well.

I manipulated her and now she's thinning in. It's perfect. Yeah. I've sort of got her under my thumb in that regard. I've sort of tricked her into losing what must be 30 to 35 pounds just through a weird suggestive, a word play. I think I basically hypnotized my girlfriend to like salad more than sandwiches. Yeah. Like every, every visual in my head is like putting things in pies that shouldn't be there

and like just gaslighting her. Can I inception her to lose weight? I'd love to inception her like to just get down deep into her psyche and make it so that she's afraid of carbs. I like the idea of using inception as a verb. Yeah. Can I inception her? How do I inception her? I want to inception her to a paleo diet, I think.

I want to suggest that the caveman knew what they were doing. Well, we have to go 13 layers deep because she's so fat that she just wakes up. The first nine dream levels are about chicken, so we have to. She just wakes up wanting lasagna because you didn't get deep inside of it enough? Ass, no. I think, I think we love the fat jokes on a purely visceral level. It doesn't mean anything. Yeah.

We don't actually know what this girl looks like. She's not fat. She's, she's a seven out of 10, easy. She's like, she's coming from a goddamn dime. Yeah. I mean, shit. That's cool, man. You're a piece of shit though.

Yeah. Would you ever rank your girlfriend? Would you ever like when you, I guess when you first start dating someone, when you first see someone, maybe you can like assign a new name. Yeah, I rank people all the time. But like, have you ever ranked your girlfriend? Yeah. At least according to me.

What are they? Uh, they were a seven and eight, a nine, a seven. Jesus, girl. This is so fucking honest. Yeah. That's your social security number. What was it like going from a nine to a seven? It was hard.

Like you would taste, you would drink the milk of paradise and now you're bacterial. Well, there are other things to put like, put into account like, how would you rate their personality? But like a better ass, if that makes sense. How would you rank their personality? Four? I'm just joking. That being said, four, four, one, nine, and three.

Wow, you should have never looked, gotten rid of the nine or nine. But she was the seven. Yeah. This guy sounds incredibly shallow. You're talking about Jake. No, the dude wrote the question sounds incredibly shallow and, you know, I personally do not, I've never assigned a numerical value to a woman except that she's number one to me. You fucking loser.

No, but just if I, just to play this guy's game for a second. Well, this is coming from a dude who's only dated fat chicks. Am I right? Thank you. Stop. Yeah. It's like Pat manipulated the skinny ones to be bigger. I mean, Jesus Christ, man.

Whoa. I mean, I've heard of taking her out to dinner, but. Does it mean anyone near him looks like a goddamn whale? Yeah. Him and any girl looks like the number 10. Stream means go great with him. Closer to the bone and sweeter is the meat. I, oh God.

Okay. Just to play his game for a second. His definition of a seven is probably not, I'm not going to take that a face value. You know, like, I bet his seven is like my 13, you know. Oh, so you're saying he's ranking her low? Probably. He's not very self aware at all too. He's like, I'm in, he's, I'm in impeccable shape.

Nothing's wrong with me. How do I manipulate my girlfriend to get as good looking as I am? I think I'm a narcissist. Do you get these questions at all? Like. Yeah. Yeah. So this wasn't just completely chosen at random.

We chose someone who did sound like a loser on purpose. I didn't mean to like open up. I will say, all right, let's do this. We'll do like OJ Simpson, you know, like if, you know, if I did it, this is what it would be. Yeah. So like if I wanted to do this, if I wanted to manipulate the girl into getting thin. Yeah.

Here's what you, I mean, you would say you make it like a team thing. Yeah. Let's go to the gym together. Like, oh, let's, let's go on hikes together. Let's, let's start cooking at home. Let's exercise together. Let's get healthy together. Not like you need to do this.

You need, you're unattractive. Right. Right. Cause maybe if, I mean, if I take apart, if I take away the manipulating thing, maybe if he likes this girl for a personality thinks she's great, but just wants her to be healthier. Do you think there's anything to the idea that if a woman gains weight while she's with you, uh, you can, uh, become less attracted to her. It's a little bit of a bait and switch for me.

I can't cause like the bigger that ass gets the more I'm in love. Absolutely. Sorry. Can you stop doing that noise? The Kanye. Yeah. Yeah. I don't want that.

I don't want that. I think a lot of rappers do it. I think a lot of gooses do it. A lot of geese do that. And geese and rappers. I guess what's the man. I love bread. Yeah.

Bread. Bread. Bread. Bread. My bones are hollow. Land some eggs, land eggs, sit in the nest. Kanye just starts growing a beak. Holy shitties, a god damn goose.

I'm into it. Like duck. I'm sorry he's changing your, your paradigm. Well, rap can be. No, no, look at him. He's picking up a slice of bread off the grass with only his beak mouth. He's throwing it in the air. Yeezy. Yeezy.

Take it easy, Yeezy. Yeezus. Yeezus. 300 Yeezus. What are the Trojans? We've hurt this guy enough and given him some advice. You should also maybe be honest with your girlfriend and say that you wanted to... I'll go further. I will say I dislike his girlfriend. Wow. She said nothing wrong.

Yes, she has. Go further. You've gone too far. No, absolutely not. I have not. This is a girl who is with this guy for a year, so she's probably a piece of shit too. Interesting. You guys are staring at me like I just suggested we beat someone up. You're just like, uh, no. No, I was momentarily wondering if there was any logic to that.

I'm not on board with you. Our asshole guys, can they only attract terrible women? No, lots of girls fall for assholes. Well, I don't know. I'm single. Full disclosure. We know. Anyway, tell us more about Captain Kirk's... I'm kidding, dude. Kirk was the biggest pimp in the galaxy.

FYI. So what you're doing right now is sort of backfiring. Wow, it's like you're embarrassing yourself right now. Maybe if you mentioned Spock or some shit. Yeah, he could clean up. So say what you're going to say. You're single. Full disclosure. Yeah, but like, no, no, the idea of like, ass-do girls attract. What was it? Do a...

Only terrible girls be with terrible guys. I mean, I've never had that bitterness that some guys have of like, oh, like why is she with that douchebag? But I have heard that's kind of a truism that like girls will often wind up with jerks. But I've never, I've definitely been bested by men. Or I've had girls that I like be attracted to other guys, but they're never total assholes. But they become assholes once they... What's their knot with me? All guys do, all guys are assholes sometimes.

Like maybe this guy is actually nicer. He's just writing a mean email behind her back, which makes him an asshole. But like, maybe like, he also, he hasn't like, done anything yet. He probably treats her pretty well. He did all call us nerds in the beginning of the letter. I do love that the beginning made me laugh before I even got to the question. I'm glad the question was good, but it says, what's up my nerds? That being said, my question to you is like, you didn't say anything.

You just saluted us. He's like a weird mafia don who just took an English classic. That being said, therefore, before go the following quest query to use his... Henceforth. Henceforth the following query to use his gentleman. Eh. Eh. Sounds like we're out of time when you do that.

No, it's not eh. Eh. H-E-H-H-C-H-U-G-H. Can you use that in a sentence? Uh, yes. Um, the goose went. Uh, Dave Rosenberg, you my boy. Eh.

Okay, and can you say the lat, does it have Latin roots? Greek roots? Uh, it's sort of, I think it comes from like, ha ha, in your face. I'm richer than you. All right. Eh. Uh. Like, sort of like bragging, I think.

H-H-H-E-C-C-H-H-G-H. Eh. Now you're a little different being in the spelling. Eh. But you did spell it correctly. That's-that being said. Hensforth, ergo. Ehgo.

Kogito, ergo sum. The following query I propose, verily, to use is guys. Um, yeah, I guess I did go too far. I shouldn't say that this girl is an asshole. There's lots of- there's lots of really nice girls with asshole guys. Right, I think you should number one, respect your girlfriend. And number two, if you want her to be healthier and you think it would make her happier, then there's a positive way to go about this that feels inclusive and it brings you two closer

together rather than you being a manipulative asshole yeah but this girl is not fat so like she doesn't have to lose weight it sounds like that's just a purely aesthetic thing it's not like a health thing yet how do you know she's not fat because he says she's not fat I'm not saying like obesity she's not fat but he just wants her to be thinner yes but you can always be thinner look better not thinner like I don't know I just don't I don't think she's like I'm not saying like obese unhealthy I'm just saying like a healthier lifestyle yeah it really doesn't matter as long as they're in a normal weight range so like

this guy is saying that she's not fat but she wants her lady to lose weight so he can either get used to what her current weight is and suck it up or find someone else if you want someone skinny yeah if she's not like if she's not morbidly unhealthily obese then he has no right telling her like lose weight it's not you know if it's if you want if he should just leave yeah and for her sake as well as his like it's not she's of a normal healthy weight he has no right to demand she change her body dude that's why you're single I mean I swear to God like that attitude that's not gonna get you play really really

won't all right just tell me what to do you got a sponge bro you got to replace sandwiches with salads from day one put cocaine in her salt all right should we are we done here I think so I mean I don't know that we've given him any definitive advice you said turn it into a team building activity she could probably stand to lose a few pounds that's not what I said how dare you actually for even suggesting that I would never do that and fuck off but if you want like if there's people that are that are like unhealthy and they want to be healthier they just like can't like motivate themselves to do it all right

I'm done with this guy let's go on to the next question this clown this ass clown this ass this show is sponsored by better help thank you better help if you're finding yourself in a difficult anxious stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place and it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist especially one in your area but better help makes that all easy because it's online therapy designed to be convenient flexible and suitable to your schedule you just fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a

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you're ready to launch just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain again Squarespace.com slash if I were you free trial everything looks good let's launch it just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase thank you Squarespace so this one is from this next email is from a lady Pat you got a name for us oh yeah from a lady Rosalyn okay Rosalyn writes dear guys I'm a 20 year old female in college and I just got dumped by a guy that I was in a long-distance relationship with for three years he decided that after all this time he

wasn't ready for a commitment as a student in engineering I have plenty of guys to check out basically like shooting fish in a barrel but I'm a bit rusty at getting the nerve to talk to the ones I'm super attracted to how do I let a guy know that I'm interested in him I really want to show this new guy that I'm completely available and if he plays his cards right open for business any tips tricks and turn-ons would be very useful I can't believe she's like I'm that that pool of engineering yeah she also went from super confident to very unconfident in one email so she got any Iranian transfer student she

wants really it's like shooting fish in a barrel that being said I don't have the courage or nerve to approach the ones that I find I don't have a gun or a bullet or a barrel what I have is an ocean of fish and I have sort of lost alone confused and scared this is not a metaphor I just have a pile of ransom fish in my living room that being said I have been hooking up with one of the fish I I put a trout in my vagina not two hours ago and I'm feeling more than a little bit frisky I am so desperate there's a god damn tuna fish inside me and I'm wondering how to hook up with an engineer any help you can provide would

be very helpful California roll on my clit right now God how dare you put a turn in your video yeah I painted a little bit more of a picture you turn the chicken of the sea the sea stands for clit joke of the trip joke of the clit wow okay so it seems a pretty straightforward question she's a nice young lady who wants advice on how to approach approach guys girls don't need advice to how to approach guys that's no that is not that guys need advice girls are open for girls are the tough ones to gain if you're a girl and you like a guy you just have to talk to him I you know I think I like I do like it

when girls just come up and initiate conversation I think I don't I know as a dude like it's the onus is kind of on me I suppose so when when that's when that paradigm is sort of shaken up a little bit it's a pleasant to me it's it's a pleasant surprise I like that advice what's onus what's paradigm I think that's good I think that's actually really smart and I'm with it what's onus what's paradigm are these like sex positions I haven't heard yet because that seems highly unlikely if that's kind of fish that goes in the sushi then I will say eel on the clear it's funny oh god

eel on the t-shirt sleeves rolled up right now I'd love to eel you up I really get into character guy roll up my sleeves what's onus okay I'm almost regretting even saying that out because now it seems like I'm maybe is at this point history is maybe I'm wrong that well someone it has to be the aggressor when meeting someone you either have to there's like two ways to play it it's like oh you see a girl you're attracted to you can either lay back act cool and see if she approaches you or send her a Facebook message that just sort of says like hey thought you'd like this movie clip yeah seven months and then if she

doesn't respond be like hey did you got my thing about the movie clip this is like when you run into her on the street like and she's like oh yeah maybe you like maybe or okay I'll resend it because it's it's as you saw it that's but this is like the joke but it's also it's so true like there's if there it's not not like when our grandparents met think about that like they would go to a USO dance or something and they had to USO I don't know like my you know my grandfather was a Nazi they'd go there'd be like a dance there was a dance like a SS March yeah they had to propose that night because there's like that was the

one time you met a girl right like that was it and now it's like we meet a million people there's like dating apps if I like meet a girl at a party I don't even need to get her number I can get her information on Facebook I can send her a friend request it's the most passive thing in the world I can follow her on Instagram I like her photos she likes mine it's crazy there's just a million ways you don't have to ever like take a risk yeah you do it digitally a day later like hours have you ever taken a risk though have you ever actually done it like because I like ask someone for their number I well that's not it more

than that like I don't know I've ever asked someone out what's the boldest move move you ever made who that's a good question it's like just in terms of like you know this bold move is brought to you by Doritos the Doritos bold move hey what's the boldest move you've ever taken I think now someone's gonna think that Doritos actually sponsored this fuck you Doritos Doritos fucking suck now no it can sell nature box baby so what's your nature box bold move of the day hey are you bold what's your fuck Doritos bold move sponsored by nature box move of the day are you a talent the bolted will be a burning man all day

Sunday are you bold three bags of Doritos to all you know you shakers out there burning hot sriracha burritos write your emails to us if I were you show at gmail.com and use your bold thoughts just to make sure we read it are you bold hashtag is sees the Doritos anyway he's the reason I fucked a girl on a dance floor at a club one time is a bunch of cheering on but enough about how you lost a virginity no I don't like boldest move like kissing a girl when you know like like taking the biggest risk like the deep meaning we say anything we're junkies that holds goes that girl's apartment and holds the

radio like a sort of like a mover if you fail it's pretty embarrassing yeah I have ever done anything where I like have that risk yeah yeah I've told girls that I have feelings for them before like kind of like straight up here's out of the blue I mean to not in my head I'm like well like up until the moment I say it to me it's not out of the blue it's like you feel this too right like thing here for like a couple of months this can't be chemistry if only one person's feeling it that's how chemistry works I'm gonna fuck chemistry sir I'm your bus driver I'm not talking about so that for me would be the answer not to

answer my own question but I guess I've done I've done stuff like that but I've never like made a grand gesture I don't know nothing like nothing where I didn't know for a fact it would be reciprocated well that's what every like first move is it's like oh god there's that little bit the reason that everyone doesn't ask everyone out all the time is the fear of being rejected right so there's always like a fear of like wait maybe I'm misreading it but I get like you know the leap of faith that I take is always so tiny it's a crack in the floor I've like never ever I guess a couple times but it's very rare that I'm

like I wonder if this is gonna work right usually by that time it's like a sure thing on a few occasions I've actually like when I get a girl's phone number I'll be like um like this is probably a horrible idea but I'll be like hey what's your number like no you never like and like do you prefer text your phone call God yeah that sucks because no one's ever gonna say phone calls the amount is we'll not even ask but like I think I've got at some point like I got in every time I've got I've heard so many like really passion like dude do not call her yeah do not I definitely heard it and a dude do not

text her so I don't want to do no here's what here's what you do I go to our door I knock I'm like hey unfortunately I'm crying because I've been so nervous I have a bouquet of daisies all the pedals have fallen off so it just looks like a weird like Adam kind of pouring rain I'm parched I've been crying my fucking eyes out I asked her to come in I see a roommate's kind of pretty I make a move then and there trying to kiss her on the roommate on the roommate I don't give a shit at this point the rosies are dead wet wilting and lame they're just sopping over my wrist also it's 11 a.m. on a Tuesday

nobody's home she scurries to the bathroom to get me a towel I take off my pants put some peanut butter on my nuts and I lie on the couch I said honey don't talk with your mouth full make with the yam yams actually like she's come some kind of dog that's gonna come over here girl here girl the dog does come over I guess you know some shit the girl cat out of my butt out of my nut sack I'm borderline castrated and wouldn't you know what I shoved some alcohol in my ass just a minute before I came there not knowing she comes in my dick is in her dog's mouth I'm bleeding I'm crying I'm wet and I go hey do you

prefer texture phone calls she's calling the police at this point I have a god damn eunuch how's that fair wait we're gonna say Jay oh here's what you do if you like her get her number don't ask if you text her call if you like her just wait you know what nobody needs this advice all right let's move out of the next question I think if you like her you call her it's a baller move she'll tell her friends she'll be like you never call girls I never like them don't you get that you really don't fucking get it I never I haven't yet to respect the girl that I like enough to call I never like them that was the most

sincere thing I think you've ever said such a gut reaction I can't even hide from it I like you said it like I was a fucking idiot you never call someone I've never liked someone do you fucking idiot is liking them means I respect myself enough to gain close to look at least to know their personality and I don't do that ladies out there if you're offended I promise you I don't like you more than anyone possibly could you can't hate me more than I you take a number sister because I'm number one come at me trust me I'm beating myself up on the inside every single day so you only you've you've never phone called a

lady that you met because you've never had a crush on them yeah but I knew I do know guys who've done that and like and I've also met girls who are like and he called me it's sort of like it's a it's all it's yeah it's old school it's romantic and it's confident and also though I'm just to like in regards to question and this I think everything relates to this is that I don't know how true this is but I think if the person it just comes down to like if the purse if the person is likes you or not if they don't know what does they see you and talk to you for like five minutes I'll have a general idea if like you

know they're like intrigued and then if they if they're into you there's very little you can if you're a normal per well-adjusted person there's very little I think you do like blow it you know like everything you do like calling them if they don't like you and you call them you're a creep if they do like you when you call them you're like charmingly charming and roguishly forward you know well you're that's basically just like be yourself and they'll either like it or not if you're the type of guy that calls then call and then they can get used to that or not but you didn't you shouldn't text if you want to call or call if you

want to text I email I just do email it's much more only over tweeting yeah public so it not direct messages either no I actually do LinkedIn messages more than anything now you can be a little people without without them following you really yeah you can that's not true yes I think that's the thing they're rolling out you can direct message anybody whether they follow you or not I think coming soon or or already in its new development I think I saw some headline about this you know what we were talking about I've DMed Angelina but she follows you adding messages on Instagram oh yeah the real game changer

because it is it is kind of flirtatious to follow someone or like someone's photo in a super super super lightweight passive way you want to know a new thing that I've been doing on my language English this is a someone like if there's a picture of someone rather than like it I will text them and be like I like that picture oh yeah oh that's cool so you like someone's photo on Instagram you text them and say I like the photo I won't like it on Instagram I'll see it and I'll text them and I'll be like I like that picture why not like it on Instagram in addition to saying you like it via text I don't know because

you're saying you're bigger than the people who just like oh like oh yeah I like it I'll really swing the bat yeah but not really because you're just texting but I think she she she will I mean anyone public you know would want the public liking as well yeah I don't do it a lot but like something's really good on Instagram if a girl looks really good in a picture I'll text oh pictures of her I like it's a picture of a tree I'm just scroll past I liked your tree photo heart for eyes emoji what is that a spruce because it looked like a spruce to me no it wasn't okay birch then elm then you like it on my getting warm you

like it and dislike it 40 times so she gets the notification on her phone sorry I'm freaking out over here I don't think last night where someone posted a tweet that I thought was really funny and then I tried to like it or retweeted I can't remember and it was like unavailable they had on they deleted it in that brief period of time and I was a text I took a I took a screen cap of the tweet to have it and I was gonna text them be like hey just so you know I like that tweet you didn't have to was it a girl it was a girl but not a girl but it's a girl that has a boyfriend so it's not like it wasn't a sexual thing it's always a

sexual thing no we gotta lay the groundwork man because that relationship is gonna gonna come crumbling down a pipe tell you done the groundwork you lay the groundwork then you lay the pipe what you lay the groundwork then you lay the pipe that's the opening quotes from the episode of the wire when they put like in text how did fades in and then it fades out don't come at the king unless you the king you know what who's on the walking I just started watching the walking dead oh yeah there's two people cutty yeah he's been on it since last season but also now on it is what's his face yeah I'm trying to remember now where's Wallace

yeah where's Wallace was it was the Angelo the Angelo we never did the worst wall is straight where's Waldo hardly working that's funny where's Waldo at where's Waldo string we're the fuck's Waldo at yeah the shop for Shaw remake oh yeah we haven't done one of those in a while yeah those were kind of cool all right we have anyone I would love to do another one are we still recording we're just eating brunch now sorry you're bringing me to a rabbit hole of the actual career stuff did we answer this person's question I don't think we did actually and here's how I'm gonna do it I think you just have to be

confident and open as a girl especially here at this school where you're surrounded by guys and you're one of the few girls which is why I imagine you're saying it's like shooting fish in a barrel you just have to don't seem closed off and I mean feel totally cool going up and saying hey to a guy it doesn't mean it's not like a huge risk to just say hi you can be friends because you know what if I was at that school I'd be like I don't want to talk to these girls because I need to I don't want to be like one of the 30 guys that comes up to them like that's that's not that's not gonna make me feel good I don't want

to feel like one of the 50 guys who are arguing over you know what you're like everybody's probably looking at you go up and talk to somebody also of course you're rusty you're just getting out of a relationship so just keep on practicing keep on flirting and then you're gonna get more confident you're gonna get better that depends are you like a five or a seven she's a seven she could stand to lose some weight right you fucking monster oh god that guy already the guy already broke up with her as the guy from the first question I agree with Jake yeah I think it's you know it sounds like you're in you know just go for it all

these engineering students they're gonna want yeah or at the very least like their photo on Instagram that way it's sort of at least the pipe work is how you said lay the ground work ground work and then you lay the pipe laid okay hey hey we should call this episode hey episode 30 hang with Pat castles should we take a break or should we just go on to the last question we've only answered two so I feel like we haven't really necessarily earned a break how many do you total we usually do between three and five but uh so we're halfway through but the problem is we don't like to go over much over 40 to 50 minutes we're already around the

40 minute mark oh wow so let's just answer one last question but break and then answer or just go into it I could do a break is that to pee oh no this isn't a real break but you can go pee and me Jake could talk we're gonna keep we just keep talking through the break we just sort of mentally I'm not Lee I wouldn't yeah well it's up to you we want to talk about comic-con or something oh comic-con yeah it's a comic-con as you guys did as well yeah I liked it it was but my this year was the briefest I've ever been there in many years because I went three days three full up to the jab at center

camped out for the Thor the Dark World panel got Saul Chris Hemsworth as he was coming in I shit you not he was wearing I grabbed his ankle and I held on for a full two minutes before I was wrestled away by security he was chowing down an energy kitchen burger wearing an under armor t-shirt I'm not making this up I'm not energy kitchen burger no I went for the show I did a show I hosted a co-hosted a show with Owen Parsons and then I kind of laughed after that in the next two days I went home so I was I gave my pass away that's beautiful yeah we all did the same thing yeah who'd you give your

passes to our sweethearts actually yeah we gave our passes to our sweethearts we met them at the comic yeah you yours was we pinned them a female in yasha and you were a batwoman batwoman yeah is that one of thing if I isn't it just cat woman I believe batwoman is a recent more recent character but I do believe there's a batwoman I will be corrected on this I'm sure if I'm wrong but yeah no no we'll be corrected you won't get these emails but we'll get the 30,000 emails that I'll take well I we on this podcast unequivocally say there is a batwoman me Jake and Amir all agree batwoman does exist also Val Kilmer was

the best Batman what do you think is a better Halloween costume for me Velma or Ned Flanders I mean I'm going to sigh so don't take my opinion Flanders would be great for you you should definitely do that all I need is to because he's a he has glasses all I need is a mustache that flanners is a dope costume would I have to face paint yellow I don't think you should I don't like last year Dave Rosenberg was March it was so funny he got he got play that night I think he did didn't he die his pubes blue oh no you know what he did he had just fucked a pie that's what it was like America like a what's your bold move I would love

for you to be Velma I think that I think there would be nothing better than that Velma I just need the wig it's so funny cross-dressing I thought of going as Tina last year and then I decided against it Tina Fey from Bozburgers I went as actually I actually don't have a costume lined up I was gonna go as Neo but then the costume I went up buying was crappy so that's so crappy you can learn lines I if any girls are willing to be the Miley to my Robin thick my blurred lines I bet a lot of girls would especially now that you say it on this podcast I bet a lot of big costume of the bro's to your girlfriend like

baby couple's costume blurred line actually this is a perfect perfect segue to our last question of the day you guys want to get into it let's do it give me one more dude's name Tirol Tirol writes hey guys longtime fan but I've run into a bit of trouble so I'm at college out of state and my girlfriend of a year is still back at home Halloween's coming up and the girl I've met here wants to do a couple's costume my girlfriend doesn't want me to do it because she thinks it's cheating but I think it would just be fun I'm pretty sure she'd never find out if I did it but if she did she'd be super pissed at

me what should I do PS go bills go bills it's not cheating let's just be clear about that right off the bat I think it is a little bit of an emotional cheat it's not well that's dip it's not cheating it's not physically what is girlfriend thing like oh yeah if you like watch TV if you look at girls that's cheating well not looking at girls is one thing but couples costume is an emotional cheat it's not a cheat it's an emotional cheat completely disagree it really is an emotional what's the cost very important aspect oh it's two Siamese twins 69 it's two girls one cup he's the cup it's two people intertwined

erotic it's the John Lennon Yoko Ono poster God I don't know I think maybe I'm a little more on a mirror side like I just it's my by definition it's a couple's costume yeah the word couple is right in there yeah but like would you be down if your girlfriend wanted to be a couple's costume with another dude yeah but I mean that's cuz I probably super chill dude it's like that's because I've never liked anyone no I think well first of all I don't think you should even have a girlfriend that's a different that's a different yeah that's just because you don't think anyone can have a girlfriend because once again you've

never liked anybody I don't believe in monogamy I don't believe in love yeah saying couples costume is like it's just a fun thing there's nothing romantic or even like flirtatious about it yeah I mean if he wants to do it and his girlfriend is saying he can't and she's like dampening his college experience then he should just break up with his girlfriend and do it and and follow up if you want to do it if you want to do it but you don't want to upset your girlfriend why don't you suggest to this girl a bigger group costume rather than a couple's costume because then you can be like a whole crew of friends are going

out as like the Avengers or something you know like then you can do you still have like the camaraderie but you don't have to upset your girlfriend but then other people are I mean to me this is a card it's just sad maybe I'm being cynical no a good costume means like you cheated on her in an orgy how dare you actually reasonable girlfriend everything is cheating even if you dress up as Neo from the Matrix you're just dressed up as someone who doesn't have a girlfriend so you're acting single but I'm not even in reality I'm in a computer simulation I can do whatever I want not really cheating on you I'm cheating on a

bunch of ones and zeros she just thinks Halloween is real what you're gonna just dress up as someone and be them holy crap I'm dating the wolf man you're half wolf and you never told me fuck me this sucks this happens to me every Halloween um yeah I don't know like that group cut that's good advice man you give good advice I appreciate but also like you thought about starting a podcast to me there's this even with like I guess now I'm just like this is a guy right that wrote this yeah yeah there's almost a subtext of like he probably kind of likes this girl right yeah I don't like it doesn't like it is inherently flirty

so in the group costumes kind of deluding that then it's up you have a bunch of jabroni's I could this is approaching on your intimate moment and I bet I bet he just started school just met this girl she wants to be in a couple's costume with him he's already regretting the relationship the thing is it is yeah it is flirty I think your girlfriend should get over it though because it's like your time to like have fun and do this kind of thing but if she's not going to then I think and if you like this girl at all then I mean shit you guys are young you guys should have this college experience yeah you

just want that I feel like you go like I feel like in college you if you like to girl you would just have to like turn into like the terminator and just be like I'm not leaving your side but you're it's a little creepy I guess you have to be like I'll you know I really want to hang out to you I really want to make a mental connection with you in the next four hours so you don't forget about me tomorrow yeah I might was I not talking to the microphone you were but not as much as you could have been sorry is this my ruining audio I think I think I've been like hovering no you've been good so far I was just yeah I was thinking

about that cool I hear I'm back your eyes started bleeding anyway but yeah what I'm so curious what the couple's costume is I wish they had that detail I bet I can email and then maybe nice not gonna get back to me time in the next two seconds before we end this podcast hey dude well this is just another reason to break up with your girlfriend if you go to college and they don't yeah yeah one day we're gonna we're gonna meet some like some really totally pleasant 18 or 19 year old 19 year old one day and they'd be like hey you're an asshole you convinced my boyfriend to dump me you convinced my

girlfriend to dump me it is it's sort of a it's it's brash when we tell young kids in love to break up and hook up with other people in college but it is fun I mean I don't know fuck I think we're making a bit you I I sense in you Jake there's a genuine attempt to want to help you know I sense in you Jake our sense the force is strong with you oh my god his hands are sticky always sticky always sticky never icky nature box what's your bold move hash I remember the bold girls will be at McGillicuddy's from 4 a.m. to 7 a.m. giving out course lights shaking their boulder holders are you bold whoa who is it sorry is that

the ring that's it smooth jazz you pin it's cuz he only gets calls from debt collectors it's like I just like it stresses me out I'm down hey baby hey Pat yeah you still owe us 2,900 and back taxes alright very cool I'm feeling good it's actually the theme song from Hill Street Blues 80s cop show right it is smooth jazz technically speaking that was that I believe that was my sub letter for in a Los Angeles that I'm having problems with right now I am going through some shit so I really appreciate being on the show my credit anything you want to plug Pat just I need a place to crash when I'm in LA would

love to holiday and express anybody's listening from a double tree or some shit I know you guys are never at full capacity there's a clerk whatever the valet you get a discount hook me up my life is just a shake a shake it up snow globe right now all right we are more than out of time actually thanks thanks for coming on the show thanks for having me this is so fun yeah and where should we direct people to go if they want to hear more Pat or get more of your stuff follow me on Twitter it's Patrick underscore castles why why underscore because some others from Scottish dude is Patrick castles well

underscore I've been told I can like if I want to like write to Twitter I can like maybe make a case but I don't I'm fine I feel like I'm I you know so that also college humor dot com where I work just some real brief housekeeping with that email again if you wanted to email us and ask your own questions that we can get to is if I were you show at gmail.com we're still accepting reviewing and taking in user theme song submissions that first one was from a guy named KNOFLE novel novel and we are still giving out shout outs to people who are reviewing our show on iTunes it really helps us out so thank you so much Ethan

poo Courtney Estelle sparkles 1317 Maddie JJJ and perk 6608 for leaving a good review on our page the best you're not even happy when you do it it's like I it's like a weird tick that I can't help there are still some tickets available left for our show our lives not a lot so get them now yeah yeah it's that little field in Brooklyn on November 6 actually you should you should buy a ticket man I really would appreciate I don't think I'll be I think I know I you don't need you to come we just need a little little boost of good a little ticket sales a little give you like I'll just get how much is it no it

has to be through the site it really does have to be seven dollars right now cash wow you guys are leaning in this whole podcast is extortion I think it's not even plugged in I would love to go to that I'm sorry I can't I don't know it's okay I will be out of town I really will do in an LA I'm trying to remember who oh yeah and the last theme song our outro theme song today is from a guy named Garrett so yeah thanks for listening to this episode episode 30 hell yeah thought we would get here and to be here with you Pat I'm honored it really is uneventful no thanks for coming on you are definitely a guys

please rank the guests I would love to know where you guys think Pat stacks oh shit 30 episodes old so now it's like thinking it's not ready for kids but it wants a dog yeah just like Jake there we go yeah enjoy the rest of your day I don't know I don't know how to end you always say enjoy yeah I hope you enjoyed yeah there you go later take a load off with Jane a send what people problems their way promise it'll be unless it's about STDs