If I Were You - 300: A Celebration (w/Ben Schwartz!)

Episode Date: November 6, 2017

Friend, comedian, lover Ben Schwartz joins us to celebrate our 300th episode by discussing chipmunks, how to be funny, and his new book!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. Tom DeLong himself. How did you rate that Tom DeLong impression? It was a little heavy handed for the I Miss You version of Tom DeLong. He's a little more subdued. That felt like a little Cheshire Cat Tom DeLong, but I still loved it. Ben? Thoughts?

Can I interrupt for a second? We had a three second break. There was silence. He didn't say anything. May I interrupt? Then I said your name and you didn't say anything. Can I ask you a question? What's it about?

What is it about? What's it all about? Why are we here? What are we doing with our lives? That song was by, actually, his name is Mark, oddly enough. Mark Hoppe is doing a Tom DeLong impression. That's pretty fun. I'd pay a lot of money to see that.

Well, I wouldn't pay a lot for that muffler. Can I ask you a question real quick? One second. I just had to... Yes, you have credit to the... Tell me when I can talk. Okay, sure. There's the SC of the credit too.

FullyInvolvedMusic.BandCamp.com. Man, an album, you can listen to the whole thing there. All right, you had a question for us. What's your favorite video game of all time? Sonic the Hedgehog. No, it's not. Oh, man, I got to tell you something. Why?

I can't tell you. Why? Because I think I'm going to turn you on. Really? What about you, Mimi? Do you play video games? I used to growing up. I got into GoldenEye a lot, Tony Hawk.

Did you ever play NBA Live? Yeah, I played NBA Live 95 a lot in NBA. Oh, great one. NBA Live 95 was a great one. Yeah, it was the first one where like the perspective of the court was like diagonal. Correct. Yeah, so that was a big moment for basketball video game history. Remember Art Trivals?

No, what's Art Trivals? It was sort of the predecessor, the spiritual prequel to NBA Jam. So it was like basketball where there was like banana peels on the court. Really? Anyway, this is episode 300 of our podcast. It's called If I Were You. What's your favorite video game? Thanks, Jake, for caring about other people.

It's rude to be like. It is very rude. It's rude, yeah. That's like literally being like the way they're coming over, what would you like? And you're like, I'd like a chicken parmesan and that'll be all goodbye. Yeah, well, it is. What about me? What do I want?

It's rude because I feel like a little bit of trying to hijack the podcast before even. I'm not trying to hijack. But also, that's not how an interaction with the waiter. That's like a bad example. That's just like a bad example. You play the person, I'll play the waiter. The what? Okay.

What can I get you guys today? This is already, I feel so great. I'll have a chicken sandwich and a side salad and a Diet Coke, please. Okay. What type of bread would you like? What are we doing? What is this? Thank you.

All right, take care. Thanks. Was that worth it? Big episode 300. But Ben, you feel like the interaction should go more like, I'll have chicken salad sandwich. What do you want? Now we're getting to the notes. The waiter would, wouldn't the waiter be like, what do you want?

The waiter says, what do you want? Then I say what I want. What waiter are you talking about? Looks like it can be any waiter. It's not the point about waiters. When does this come out? What date does this come out? This will be episode 300.

So sometime in late October, early November. Whoa, early November. And then sweet November rain. Sing the guitar solo on that, Jake. Sweet November rain. Yeah, go. Well, it's not called sweet November rain. It's called November rain.

Correct. Right. And the guitar goes. Do you remember? It's hard to just do the solos. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. So just say that you don't remember it.

Yeah, but I just wanted, I do know how a guitar riff. That's a guitar riff. Yeah. Okay, but do that one. It's not a sweet November rain. It's a bown, a wown, a wown, a wown, a wown, a wown. Nope. Nope.

Nope. Of course not. So Amir. Yeah. November, November 7th. Right. This is coming out November 7th? Yeah.

We should say that we're recording this in early June of 2016. Yeah. It's early June, 2016. All of our schedules finally worked out. Yeah. We're going to release this in early November of next year. You guys think Trump can actually win the election? No way.

November 6 might be the one-year anniversary of Trump winning the election Wow, isn't it November like 7th or 8th? Yeah, you guys talk a lot about a lot about Trump. Not a lot, but it comes up All of our listeners are a bunch of snowflakes if you can imagine. Yeah, we don't want to insult the cucks What's wrong? I'm just thinking about something, but I don't know if I'm allowed to ask you guys some questions What do you mean? Well, no, let's we should get to the podcast. Okay, basically how it works is this is an advice This is how it works. Yeah, Jake usually says something real funny Then Amir retorts and plays like a weird character Jake usually plays like the straight man And then like after a while like thinking of the the the YouTube show the YouTube show web series

Is that the one where you look like a chipmunk? No, that's just every day. That's every day chipmunk with glasses I call him I call him intellectual chipmunk. Yeah, because now that he has gray hair It's sort of like yeah, like a wise. Oh good. Let's really concentrate on his flaws and and for me. Yeah, it's like Um It's like, um You know, what are you talking about? I don't know you're the whole time when you're looking at right Yeah, it's like by the way, it's even cooler that we all think you're a chipmunk because What do you mean we all do I didn't say anything you don't get to choose what other people that's so mean

What I think or how I view things shouldn't be defined by what you are doing or saying yeah, okay? So for me you look like a chipmunk and then for me It's a big deal because that means like a chipmunk is able to stand and walk so even you walking is huge Thank you, thank you, you should be happy more when I want to be happy more I'm gonna give you a scenario you tell me how to react to it. All right. Okay, you're walking out of bed and you stub your toe Okay, I'm angry of course you are watch this Jake you walk out of bed you stub your toe. I think it's amazing There's a walking talking chipmunk in the world That's how you'd actually react yeah, I get it I get it and that by the way is the correct answer

Should we do one more? Yeah, I feel okay. We go down. Yeah, we go down in the store We're gonna mark the noble. Yeah, and your foot gets caught in the escalator. That's okay. Okay. Yeah, your hairy foot gets cut Yeah, it's not a hairy. Yeah, your claw like and then it goes underneath. Yeah, and then it pulls your whole Foot off. Okay, so you just have a skeleton foot. Okay, and then you get it out. You can still walk on it Don't be a weirdo. Yeah. Oh, what do you say? What do I say or what do I think you want me to say? Oh, what do you say? Well, what I would I would say is fuck my foot is Falling off and it hurts a lot what you want me to say is this is fine because I can walk and talk like a fucking chip

Jake, what would you do? What do you think is right? I lost my foot in the elevator. I say that Lining's here. There's a fucking woodland little woodland creature out there. That's correct That is I can think and talk and hope and dream like the rest of us. Are you guys ticklish? No A little maybe today's the day we find out. All right, so how this podcast works is Jake gets on top of a mere shoulders Where they try to push each other that's whoever wins Wilfred Brimley's the winner I'm very tired to be fair by this time By this time our movie probably has come out, right or what our movie that we're writing

You think the movie that we're currently writing will be out in theaters early November This is a month. Yeah, it's actually November 6th is when it comes out as the Monday This comes out episode 300 big episode of our show Can you give everybody who is episode number one episode number one was just us two just you guys Yeah, who's the first guest you ever had? Ricky Van Veen. Yeah. Wow second guest Maybe straighter wasn't me. I don't know. I think you were living in LA. I don't think we had you on until we moved to LA Okay, hundredth guest you were you were the guest for episode hundred and two hundred hundred two hundred

Those are the only times I've ever did it No, remember when you were someone was sick and you came in and we just listened to Ariana Grande Yeah, that Jake was sick. No, no, Jake was out of town. I was sick. I came to your house and I hated it And by the way, you were nobody can tell when someone's sick better than you can Oh, I know like I could sense it in a fucking I can sense it in a heartbeat. I'm like, hey, dude You're sick. What a bummer. You're sick. What a bummer, dude. Don't touch me. Be be be All right, do you got a do you have a fake guy's name for this guy who who wrote us a real uh real question? I'm not really good. I can think of a normal name. Is that fine? Yeah, I mean if you got a normal name

Yeah, I just have a normal name It could be any name. We just got to give this guy a fake name. I got it. Well, I think a big deal of it I'm just gonna give him a normal name. Yeah, just give him a normal. I stopped saying it. Yeah, it's gonna be an easy Normal name. Okay. Um, his name is Clint. Okay, that's fine. That's great. We don't even need it last thing He's got a last name. Do you want to hear it? Uh, I don't really actually want to hear it, but if you have it If it's on hand, are you sure if it's easier if it's easy and you actually know it right now then just say it I know it. Okay Just say it if it's a normal is this thing. I know it. You could have just said it right

But because you guys keep interrupting me. Let's just use Clint. Nope. First name is Clint. We're halfway there. Last name is Last name's an easy one. All right. It's here. It's a normal one Okay, good easy normal. That's all we need to know. Yeah, just a normal person You guys can almost think of it, but I'll give it to you. You don't know it. I do know it What is it? Puerto food. What's that? Puerto food the two things you said was that it was easy and normal and you said it twice and I can't even understand what you were saying Puerto food

P o I don't know Yeah, we'll never spell it. We'll never spell it. We'll never spell it. We'll never spell it Well, maybe some make a t-shirt out of it Where's share? Puerto food Hello, my name is Clint Puerto food. It's so hot in here I can't even tell you the fact that you guys do comedy in this hot room is insane to me All right ready

Clint writes the other night my girlfriend of one year's bathroom was flooded and as we were cleaning up the mess We came across a box of old condoms Presumably from one of her ex-boyfriends. She asked me if I wanted to use them and after checking the expiration date. I said sure Why not? However, oh the condoms are large sized Now i'm comfortable with my dong and i'm not too concerned that she may have had well-endowed lovers in the past um But having never used large condoms before I thought what if she tries to put one on me and it hangs loose like a windsock on my

measly peen Seeing the opportunity to save face when she left the room I smuggled the condoms out of her sex drawer to try one on in the comfort of my own home And I gave it the old college go and what do you know? They fit like a charm Now humble brag aside, how do I proceed? Do I smuggle the condoms back into her drawer and say nothing? What if she consciously avoids using the larger condoms thinking that she might shame me? Should they hang limp on my noodle? Should I proudly toss them back to her declaring my girth but revealing my prior insecurities? Do I keep them at my house and hope she never notices that the mysterious absence of the large sized condoms?

If she does notice might she think that I threw them away out of shame Please help my unsheathed weiner needs your guidance yours truly clint portafoot okay This is an easy one first of all the answer is stop asking so many goddamn questions. Yeah, that's all I mean the email ended Halfway there and then he kept going so just to recap a gentleman goes to his girlfriend's house for a year He says we don't have any she says you don't have any condoms You know what can we use my boyfriend's ex ones? Yep, and he sees him and he's not sure that he takes the condoms back home Yep, he gets he gets erect. He puts it on just to test it out. It's like a glove

Yeah, so now he's deciding whether he brings him back and says yeah, let's try him or tells her what she doesn't know He stole him correct. Yeah, that's correct. Okay. We're on the same page Uh, it seems to me that the point that he's missing is that if his girlfriend suggested using them She knows that he has a big enough dick to fit them Or they may not have had any of the condoms. What's that? They could have had no other condoms That could be the only choice that or pregnancy Yeah, but I mean like he's worried that she thinks He's worried that she might think the condoms are too big, but she's the one that suggested using them

Yeah, but maybe she's wrong. Maybe he'll he'll look but I understand what you're saying How often do you wear a condom when you have sex? Uh, never you really don't ever right? No, but I'm in That's insane to me. I have a fiance. I started talking about my fiance on this show. Oh nice congrats. Do we say her name or no? I don't know if I remember her name. Oh, we don't have to we don't have to. Anyway, I'm sure you find whatever But yeah, I so I never wear a condom But also shout out to my isn't it lady gaga. What isn't her? Oh, oh jakes fiance. Yeah, it's lady gaga. I have a friend named, uh, presley who

Really tore into me this weekend for advocating that people don't wear condoms It's terrible. Yeah, you always wear a condom. You have a friend named presley. No, he lied about the name Okay, I see that makes sense because that's a shout out dr. P. That's not my name Dr. P. She's a doctor. She is your doctor and her name is not my doctor She's a doctor. This has so many holes in it. Just say it's you But I know first name presley was a doctor. No way is that true. Who's that? This course is true. You said dr. P. Like that was her last name. Dr. I don't have her number. Oh, really? How good of a friend?

I can do a really good shaggy you want to hear. All right. This is I don't know scoops. That's pretty good. It is really good I do a lot of voiceover like if teenagers and people in your relationship should use condoms. Tell us about your book Yeah, oh, by the way, my book covers all this stuff I wrote a book with my friend laura moe's is called things you should already know about dating. It's an out already You're fucking idiot. It's out already. When is it out? Where could people get it? You can get it out. It's Barnes & Noble It's on the new arrivals thing. I want to get that. I really want to get that. Tell me about what it's about again What is it about? I would love to read about things you should already know about dating. You sent it to us. I should have read it already, but I haven't yet. Oh, you will. I just gave it two minutes ago. Awesome.

Wait, I have her number. Call her. Then she's not real. She eats? Anyway, Amir, do you trust me enough to give me your phone and I call anybody I want put them on speakerphone put them on podcast? Of course not. I trust you enough to know that you would do it and I don't want you to do it. Well, let me tell you, Jake's not a liar, so I believe him. You think he's friends with a doctor presley? No, absolutely not, but I think I'm back. I am lying about that, but in general, I don't ever lie. See, you are lying, though, right? No, that's real.

She told me to stop saying that people shouldn't wear condoms on the podcast. Of course not. I never said they shouldn't. I just said that I don't. Yeah, but people don't emulate me. If they listen to this podcast, they're probably a fan of yours and maybe some of them look up to you. So the fact that you're saying do something that's not right, what happens if you got someone pregnant or gave somebody an STD because you've gave advice to not wear condoms? I wouldn't. I didn't give advice to. Okay, I'm going to ask you a question. You answer it honestly. Do as I say, not as I do. Okay, I'll go ahead. Do as I say, not as I do. That's a saying. Yeah. Do you prefer wearing condoms or not?

No. What percent of the time before we had a fiancé were you wearing condoms? 25%. That's crazy. Probably lower. Amir? Even when you're not having sex? Huh? Even when you're not having sex? 25% of the day. So I guess way less. If we're talking about percentage of our minor life. Yeah. 0.1. Oh, wow. Amir, have you had sex yet?

I'm not a sex yet, but I am wearing condom and I do wear a condom. Just in case. 50% to 75% of the time. Like when you have, uh, you'll obviously have big ole acorns in your cheeks probably when you're having sex. And so when you're having sex like that and you know, you have. Was that a, sorry, was that a metaphor? No. You're talking about, I actually have, you're saying that. Yeah. Because like, we're just like when you're, you know, you'll have a snack of nuts and you'll store some of the nuts in your big cheeks. So you can get nutrients throughout the day. When will I ever, you think during sex I'll put, I'll put two acorns in my puppy little cheeks? You'll just have it from earlier is what he's saying. No way. That's insane. Why is that no way? I would never even, I would never stuff acorns in my cheeks, let alone.

You're going to starve, dude. I'm not going to starve. I'm a human. It's winter. It doesn't matter what month it is. Where do you hide the nuts? I don't know. That's a good question. No, it's not a good question. It is a good question. Because I'm not a chipmunk. I'm not an actual chipmunk. Say one thing that'll show Jake and I, you're not a chipmunk. I was born to two human parents. Right. That's such a chipmunk thing to say. It's amazing that they had a chipmunk. Anything is a human thing to say because only humans say. That is so fucked up. That is so messed up. Why? You don't think animals talk to each other? That was, he was doing a Scooby-Doo thing before. Two seconds ago you heard me playing a dog. That was cartoon. I don't know who. That was cartoon.

Hartoons. All right, so I would say the following. If those condoms will probably fit anybody as they go real, don't they, won't they like... He wants to know if he should put the condoms back. Yes. Yeah, put the condoms back. By the way, she knows that you have her condoms. You think so? I think so. How long have you had them? Two weeks. Is this you? No. As long as... No, I don't think she would know because she's not cheating on him. Or is she? It's a whole other can of worms. He's not asking about that. He's not concerned about that. Of course.

I would say stick to what you know unless the other ones are uncomfortable. Yeah, I think, and I sneak them back. Sneak them back? Sneak them back. I think sneak them back. Don't use them unless you feel like you need them. Is it painful when you have sex? Does it leave a very hard ring around your penis? Yes. Does it feel like a suctiony feeling? Oh, you're asking him? What was it? Do you think... You got a big dick, right? That's not big, but it's well, well, well above average. It's probably 99th percentile.

You're an 8-foot dick. So it would have to be big. It's not an 8-foot dick, but it's probably like a 3-foot dick. When you... 3-foot dick is huge. You said it wasn't big. 36 inches. I said it wasn't gigantic, but I said it was... That's huge. I said it was well above average. He's talking about like proportionally to the tiny chipmunk body. I did not mean that. Okay, so that makes sense. So that's like a regular human-sized penis.

A human-sized penis, but on a chipmunk. That's funny. It'd be funny to see you naked. I feel like... Do you ever listen to music when you have sex? Yes. Do you? Yeah. Still? I mean, there's music playing, but I'm not listening to it. Does that count? No, I like to listen to the words of the music. I like to learn new music.

Learn about... like discover new songs while you're having sex. Well, I have this doctor friend, Dr. Presley. And she likes to learn her lines for auditions while she's having sex. She's a doctor. She's not an actress. So she'll like listen to... because she plays a doctor on TV. So like she will listen to those lines and recite the lines while they're having sex or whatever. I don't know. It's just another manic Monday. I make up new songs when I'm fucking.

Do you really? I'll do like freestyles. Let me hear the last one you made up. Go. Yo, my name is Jake. This is during sex. I'm going to make you come in a major way. Ben is beatboxing for you while you're having sex. Bend over the table. Bend over the chair. What?

Come over here and I'll get you there. Just like that. Is your mom listening to a podcast still? Uh-huh. Yes, she listens to it every once in a while. She should turn it off. Tell your mom I say hi. Mom, Ben says hi. Turn off the podcast. Did I get them a Simpsons thing once?

You did. Yeah, it was a big deal for my father. We grew up watching Simpsons. You sent him a copy of the episode. Let me tell you something. Yeah. If I can just reach one person. Okay. Who would it be? Jake's dad.

I feel like I've reached everybody. What? If you reached one person, you would feel like you reached everybody. Not just one person, my dad. Yeah. If you reached Jake's dad, you would feel like you reached everybody. What is your suggestion for this man? I would sneak him back and hope that she didn't notice that you stole him

because that's a weird can of worms that you're opening up. Yeah, you shouldn't have stolen by the way. And by the way, if you want to do it, you steal one. Why would you steal all of them? Yeah, that's mine. Yeah, you should have stolen one. What are you doing? What are you doing?

That's crazy. Uh, do you have a lady's name for this next lady question? All, this is, you keep asking me about all I have is normal names. Oh, okay. Does it have to be unique or normal name is fine? You'd be normal. Yeah. Huh?

I never said normal. I'd be good. I never said unique. What we wanted is like fast. What? Diane. No. Diane.

Diane's great. You want that last name? No, we don't need that last name. You're going to need it. You're going to want it. All right. I got it in the barrel. Let's hear it.

It's an easy one. Three, two, one, shoot. Here we go. Diane, what? Yeah. Three, six, count off. Three, two, one. And I'll say the last name.

Yeah. Say Diane and then the last name. We did the count off. Diane. Yep. Count down? Yep. Three, two, one.

And now I'll hit you off for the last name. It's going to happen when we say three, two, one next time. Ready? Three, two, one. One, Diane. Yes, Diane. Yeah, that was that much we knew. And then the last name is just as normal as the first name.

Okay, that's fine. So I'll come up with it. It's Smith. No, that's not. That's a stupid name. Pillowman. What? Okay.

Diane Pillowman. Diane Pillowman. P-I-L-L-O-W-M-A-I-N. Pillowman. Pillowman. Pillowman. Pillowman is a great one. Diane Pillowman.

Not Pillowman, right? You guys want to know her last name? You already said it. That's your middle name. You said it was... Do you want to know her last name or no? Pillowman was her middle name? Pillowman is her middle name.

Oh my God. Her last name is back to simple. It's like Diane-ish. I know Pillowman is a little bit weird. Yes, it's very weird. Okay, calm down. I am calm. Do you want to know her last name?

We said we didn't need her. Yeah. Okay, count that. Three, two, one. Diane. I hate it. First name. Pillowman.

Okay. Whatever you say next after three, two, one, will be your last name. So let's hear it. Smith. It's... Hyphen. No.

Her last name is... Hyphen. Yeah. Okay, Diane Pillowman Smith. Hyphen. Hydrange-ish. What? Hydrange-ish.

Hydrange-ish. So say her full name. Diane Pillowman Smith Hydrange-ish. Hyphen. Right. Pop it on a shirt. So I met a guy and I fell for him. Who did?

Diane. Keep going. Pillowman. And Smith. Hyphen. Hydrange-ish. I met this guy and I fell for him hard. We have the same interests, the same sense of humor,

and even the same obscure road. What came out October 17th? It's called Things You Should Already Know About Dating. You fucking idiot. Laura Moses and I wrote it. 100 tips illustrated. Things that could teach you how to be better at dating. Answer lots of these questions.

Like this. I'm here. Who wrote this one? God, that was clunky. That's not going to be a smooth transition. How round about? How round about? You got to plug the book, guys.

Of course. Can't believe I'm on the show again. I stepped to the last one. I never do it again. What about episode 400? He staved us off. Oh, by the way, I've also done like two live shows, three live shows.

Yeah. In more than one foreign country. Yeah. I've done more than that. I did Ireland, London, and South by Southwest. You also did a Brooklyn one. Whoa. So I've done this a bunch of times.

Yeah. Are those not released like normal ones? I don't know. Some of them are. Some of them are not. Hey, guys. Email Amir. Tell him which one of your favorite episodes

is up for ramen. No, you don't. You can just use it for a year. At gmail.com. Hey, you do have the Instagram thing, Amir. That's true. DM me. You couldn't hook up Jake?

Diane Reitz. Asshole. We have the same interests, same sense of humor, and even the same obscure religious beliefs. Obscure? I can't wait to find out what she is. Since I like this guy so much, I decided to finally be bold and ask him out,

which I never do. And he basically told me that he really likes me and wants to date, but has these feelings for another person, and it didn't feel right about talking to more than one person at the same time, even though he's technically single, so he said he wants to take things slow with me

and hang his friends for now. What do you guys think? Is this some convoluted dumb guy speak of calling me his plan B? Do you think I should just stick it out and wait for until he comes around, or should I drop him? Or really just stay friends with him?

I missed it. I was talking to Jake the whole time. Okay. So basically- Well, what's her name? Okay, what's the question? A guy, a guy told her that. She likes a guy.

They have obscure religious beliefs. Yeah, I heard the first part also. She asked him out, and he said- He likes her. He wants to date her, but he has feelings for someone else. And he only wants to date one person at a time. I like that.

I respect that. I respect it, but I think he's lying. Oh, you think he's lying. That doesn't want to date you. I think he does. I think there's a chance that could be true. I would- The only caveat-

Either way, there's nothing- There's nothing this woman can do. Yeah. Either way, there's nothing you can do. You shouldn't proceed either way. But I wonder if because he's- They have some obscure religion. I tend to sometimes think that people that have like

strong religious beliefs have a more of a- A better moral compass than people like I do. Even if it's an obscure religious- Not necessarily- Always tied to religion. So I shouldn't make that spotlight. You ever see the movie Spotlight? Yeah.

Okay, keep going. Wow. Oh, shit. Wait, let me finish because Michael Keaton's performance was awesome. Yeah, he was also good in Birdman. Did you see Birdman? Great Birdman. You ever see Biddlejust?

Ooh, yes. Biddlejust was good. Batman? The founder? Ah, the founder. Yeah, I just watched that on a plane, actually. So did I. Really made me hate-

I mean- Which airline were you on? I was at Delta Flight. Yeah, same. Good stuff. You see Dave? Dave was on there. No, no way.

Dave's incredible. I gotta watch Dave. Dave has been around forever. I love it. I should watch that. Is this Convaluta dumb guy speak for calling me his plan B or do you think I should just stick it out? What if you-

If this has happened to me before where you asked someone out and she's like, ah, I'm seeing someone else right now but I'm down to just hang out as friends. Are you down to hang out as friends or do you say no? See, now listen. I think there is a world that can happen. I have friends that do not believe in that.

I think that there is a world where that is fine and happy. I also think, and this is a little office topic but we'll get back to it, that my book comes out October 17th. This is totally off. No, no, no. I also think that there's a world where people are like, once you date somebody, you never really talk to them again.

I think if you let someone into your life and your heart that deeply and profoundly, if it's a real relationship, that why not have them still be a part of your life in a way? I mean, you don't have to hang out with them all the time but I think that a lot of people when you're like done dating people, they totally don't talk to them anymore. That's me kind of. Really?

And I was in a fear of like what would happen if they're still in my life or- I don't know. I feel like if you've let someone in your life that hard, you must connect with them in a way, right? I think what I do, when I get out of a relationship, I do like closed off- Oh yeah, take me through it for real.

What do you do? Should you like- I want nothing to do with the person. Do you unfollow them? Do you- Yeah, it's like they never existed. Wow. And you erase their texts?

Yeah, I think I erase the text thread. I don't erase the emails. I'm lucky that I didn't really go through a big breakup after Instagram. Right. What about photos that you have on your phone, erase them all? Uh, I don't think it's worth the effort to go back to do it, but if you come across them and it's-

Like that's- You can erase a whole text thread with just a swipe. Yes, that's easy. But I've never like crawled back through my picture archives and deleted photos, but I just don't look at them. Yeah. But I think after you like, you sort of purge someone from your life,

or at least for me for like a couple months, that's like what I do when it's still too raw to talk to them. Ooh. When I've gotten over it so much, and I haven't talked to them in six months or a year, it's just like it doesn't really feel that natural to reach out to them. But I'm kind to all my exes. I just don't-

Well, you're a kind person in general, to my knowledge. To me, you are. I try my best. And to people I've ever seen you around, you've been very kind. Appreciate that. You- Sorry, you guys spent the first five minutes of this podcast ridiculing me and calling me a chipmunk. You were saying that if you stubbed your toe, you'd be so amazed.

So cool that you could- It's insane that you even- That you can understand us is amazing. Our worlds are so different. You live in a tree. You literally live in a tree. Can we live in a house? I don't.

Yeah, you do. I do not literally live in a tree. Do you live on ground level? Or do you live above ground level? I know where you live. Do you live on ground level? Inside a little tree. And that's so cool.

Is the place where you live made of wood? Yes. Okay. Do you live above ground level? Like a- Answer the question. I live on the ground. No, you don't.

Do you have to go up a little hill to get to where you live? A hill, yes, but I still- So? You live in a tree? Sea level. Sea level. You're above sea level. Of course I'm above sea level.

Okay, and do you live in a wood? You live in something made of wood? Yes, but by that- And you put acorns in your mouth? I never, ever, ever put acorns in my mouth. He's like a chipmunk. I know I'm not. He's like 100%.

And by the way, we should do that Jeff Fox worthy thing. Like, you might be a chipmunk. You might be a chipmunk. All right, go for it. If you live 500 meters above sea level. Unrelated. And you live in a wood box. I don't live in a wood box.

You're putting words in my mouth. And you have tiny feetsies and big old cheekies. I do not have tiny feetsies. Yeah, well, I do. What's that? If you have glasses on and are Jewish. What? And you sometimes live in a tree.

I never, ever have- If you eat, if you eat, if you are like, no ma'am, I don't want to order today, I will be eating the grass off the ground. No way. But maybe you're terrible. Did you make some grass? If you have two twin brothers that sing with you.

Oh, do not have two twin brothers that sing with me. And your name is Alvin, Amir, or Theodore. Simon doesn't exist in this question. Oh my God, you are Simon. You're Simon. You're Simon. That's what you did. That's how you made money before this.

What are you talking about? If you are Simon. I'm not Simon. My Jeff Foxworthy's a little Cosby too. It's loud. It's a little loud. Oh, you probably got to lower it. I probably blasted the S's.

I beat the S's. Mm-hmm. That's all right. I don't know people laugh. Should I just stick around this lady S? Or should she stick around as his friend? Or should I say nothing? I think you should stick around as his friend.

Yeah, if you care about him and you want to. I think you should stick around as his friend. Alvin, what you said earlier, anytime anybody is like, will you date me? And they say, I don't want to date you right now, but we can hang out as friends. That's like, no one ever both enters

that relationship as friends. Everybody has a little bit of an ulterior motive. This guy might think like, oh, she's my friend, but also she's on deck. And maybe she's like, oh, this guy's my friend, but I'm going to try to hook up with him. But there are cases where people wait, and they find someone they care about.

And the person just has to get through that particular thing. If I'm dating somebody, I don't like dating or try my best not to date more than one person back when I was dating. And it's like, when that's the case, I, because you don't want to put someone in conversation. So there is a chance that whatever, but then I guess there's that-

I call that passive persistence, where you don't forget about liking somebody, you continue to like them, you treat them well. Well, this is the trick then, Jake. But you just don't stop liking them. What's your real name, Adam? Pen Cooper. No, it's not.

Jake Pen Cooper? Adam is right. Adam's right. It's not Adam. Okay, Jake Adam. Ja. I was like, ja, ja, ja, ja. Ja, really.

Okay, so this is the other thing, is if you're able to, if you're able to still pursue other people. So if you're like, oh my goodness, don't wait for that person. Right. That person has told you not to wait for that person. Yes. And then I guess you could check in.

It's such an interesting thing. I don't like the, I don't like the, I'll be friends with you while you wait thing. Well, it's not while you wait. He's just like, let's just be friends. I think that Jake's right. There's a chance that this could be pushing you off. I'd say live your life and see what happens.

I agree, but you don't have to stop them. I don't think you have to stop liking somebody just because they don't want to be with you right now. You can like, I just think you have to leave them alone for the most part. Yes, but that means not being their friend. Well, you'd be their friend. You can be their friend.

300 episodes of this. That's insane. Crazy, right? It's insane. Let's take a break. I did this whole thing with a fucking chipmunk too. We got to thank a few sponsors and we'll be back on the other side of this break.

I guarantee he thanks trees and nuts. No fucking way, dude. No fucking way. And it's off bed of pine needles and a warm hearth. I know it. Have a warm heart. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp.

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Thank you, Squarespace. Good set, guys. I'm going to head out. All right, cool. Well, we're back. We got the second half of the episode. Tell me about your book. Okay, so this is what it is.

Laura Moses is a great writer and I wrote this book. It's 100 tips illustrated and to kind of bring, to like help you with your dating life. It actually works with this podcast quite a bit. Give us an example. What's tip number 69? Well, why would you go right to 69? I'm just guessing.

But the whole thing is we have a tip, like it's say, be nice to your waiter. Then underneath it's a guy and a girl talking about the tip, the good and the bad about it. And there's an illustration. So be kind to your waiter is literally someone saying, yeah, but what if he's mean? Just try your best to be kind.

Yeah, but what if he's Hitler? Always kill Hitler. So it's like that. So and then, but it's also, it's like, walk a girl to her car, pay for their Uber. There's 100 things. And then it's also people playing the opposite. Like it's like, wait for your date to get inside.

By the way, it doesn't have to be a girl, don't have to be a guy. It could be same sex relationships, anything. Wait for your partner to get inside of their house. And then someone's like, yeah, but that's like stalkery. That's like Dexter. You're gonna be like Dexter. You're looking like, if he's like, yeah,

but that's the only way you can tell if they're gonna be safe. So it's saying a tip. And then also in today's day, where Silverie is kind of weird and distant, what that feels like. It started because dating, and many people on this podcast,

if you listen to this podcast, has become like so much about disposable love and like swiping and not even thinking. And every decision is made off of a picture. And then if somebody does one thing wrong, you think, well, screw it. There's a thousand other people on an app I can go to. And I think it has really turned dating flawed a little bit.

So it came from that. And then it came from my generation, the generation after me, not knowing much about chivalry and learning it through this and like how to be a human being and talk to another human being in a room. What do you think about modern chivalry as an alt title?

For? For your book. Well, it's already been printed. We got quotes from people. Got it. Do you see the black? Do you see the black? Do you see the back of it?

No, I didn't say. The quotes are great, guys. Should we grab a book and read the quotes? The quotes are great. Yeah. Is it online? Can I look at it online? No, it's not out yet.

You guys have a copy before anybody else because we did this before October 17th. Who, what's an example of one of the quotes on the back? Justin Timberlake. Jessica Beale. Whoa. Blake Griffin. Whoa.

JJ Abrams. Whoa. Jake and Amir. Kristen Bell. Jake and Amir. Jake and Amir didn't even get a promo copy, I don't think. Yeah, did not get a promo copy. But they got the real ones first.

Yeah, they got the real one. And you autographed it. I sure did. Pretty neat. Yeah, you can check that on Instagram if you swipe back a month. That's right. What does Timberlake have to say about it?

Oh, here we go. This book is so funny, so true. And if you read it, you'll 100% find love and get married. But we warn you, once you're married, you still date each other harder than ever. So don't lose the book. Justin Timberlake and Jessica Beale. Oh, that's an old quote.

There's a new quote. Oh, really? Where are you getting that one from? That one's on Amazon. Oh. Well, keep going. What are the other ones? Funny as hell, no joke.

Definitely worth $14.98. JJ Abrams. The book is $14.99. It's an amazing quote by JJ. If I were banished on a desert island, writes Blake Griffin, and could only take one book, it wouldn't be this one,

because there would be no one to use all these smart, valuable, and hilarious tips on. That's really solid. He's amazing. He's still one of the, yes, he's a genius. Wow. He's one of the funniest human beings.

Blake Griffin. For real, he's unbelievably funny. All right, and then who else? Taylor Griffin, Chris Paul, just like a bunch of Clipper basketball players. Taylor Griffin didn't play on that team. Did he not? No.

What did Milo say? It's all in Serbian, so I can't read a single word. Lauren Ben's absurdist look at dating is both hilarious and heartfelt. A great read even for this old married lady, Kristen Bell. What else do you need?

And also, you can go online. I'm sure by now it's like there are pictures of it online, hopefully. Sign me up, Steve Bannon. Why did he, why did Steve Bannon? I don't think that's him. That's a different Steve Bannon. Because he's lonely.

Even if it is. It's a different Steve Bannon. Why even risk it and put his quote in there? I don't know. I don't control all that stuff, guys. But it's still such an odd choice. Well, read another nice one. Okay, here we go.

I'm obsessed with this book, Using Profanity and Profundity to Find Love. Sign me up, Sophia Bush. Great. Is there anymore? That's it. Yeah, there's one from Rex Tillerson and a few from Donald Trump Jr.

Jesus Christ, really? Yeah, I can't believe. I guess you want to appeal to both sides. No, we didn't get those quotes. So we absolutely didn't get those quotes. So they must have sent it out. Well, just read one of them so I know what they are. Yeah, one of them is about the Muslim band.

The other one is the... What? That has nothing to do with the book. I know. This one says Climate Changes the Global Hokes. As a review? Hashtag MAGA. Yeah. As a review of my book?

Not a review, but it's on the back cover. Actually, the Muslim band one was about the author. That's pretty cool. So this one says Ben's the man and then hashtag I stand. Yeah. What? Yeah, it's talking about not taking a knee because you never disrespect the flag.

This is in the about the author. Okay. Listen, guys, the quotes are from Blake Griffin, JJ, Justin Timberlake, Jessica Biel. Yeah. And Mike Pence. No. Yeah, Mike Pence.

Here's one. Oh, I walked out on this book because Ben took a knee. I guess that one's kind of complementary towards you. I don't know, guys. I don't think they're really on the back there. Oh, no. You know what? I'll check the book.

It's crazy that you didn't even... Have you read any of the books since I've given it to you? You gave it to me like two hours ago when we had to... We were doing other work. Writing our movie that's probably been made by now. I can't believe it's number one in the box office. I wonder if it's already been announced. No.

That we wrote a movie. I think the script that we wrote it, right? You said that we were writing something. You know what? 100th caller on the show gets the script for free. You can do whatever they want with it. There's no callers. No callers.

Oh, right. You know there's no callers, right? We've done this show a lot. It's always been an email, right? All right. Next question. All right. Next question.

It's a lady. Do we have another lady's name? What are you eating there? You're... It's so obviously crispy, crunchy, peanut buttery. What is that? Nothing anything. Stop being weird.

It's like a cereal. You're eating cereal out of a jar. It's so loud. People told me that the worst thing you can do in a podcast is chew it to the microphone. Really? Uh-huh. Because I think the worst thing you could do is take a huge dump all over the format, start talking about random shit and asking the stupid questions throughout the show.

I'm sorry? And salt the host and call him a fucking chipmunk. I think that's the worst thing you could do on the podcast. Dude, your chipmunk is out of control today. He's like out of control. He probably thinks you're a hawk. Oh, that's probably, yeah. He's very nervous.

Why? He's very nervous. Do you think I'm a hawk? Yeah. It's how he reacts. Chipmunks are scary. Oh, my God. It is.

You're a chipmunk. That was scary. God damn chipmunk. No, that was scary just because of the noise. We need another... Is it insane that a chipmunk wears socks? That's so funny. How did he even get his little paws around those socks to pull off?

The little shoes. They make chipmunk boots. Chipmunk shoes. And it's that way to... A chipmunk wearing socks is the most sensical thing you see. Can I ask you guys a question? Sure. Cabin or house?

For where I want to live? All... I'm going to tell you what you're doing. Okay? Okay. Cabin or house? Cabin. House.

The chipmunk doesn't get to answer. Yeah. Okay? City? Because he looked at me. City or country? City. City, yeah.

Sorry. Okay, so city? I'm going to say... And what do you say? I say cabin and city. City? You don't have to hear. Okay.

I want to play too. All right. I'll say it, but you don't have to acknowledge me. City? City. Cabin. Me too. City house for me though.

City and house. So city house... Yeah. America or Europe? America, yeah. Hey, even if you... All right, just even if he was, why don't you play your time too much?

Okay, sorry. Okay, yeah. Last question, then we're done. And then my turn, or I keep answering. Ready? Yep. I am ready, but yeah. All right, Jake goes.

Jake, you ready? Yeah. And Amir is ready too. Checking in. Dog? Okay. Or cat? Dog.

I got to go dog on this one too. I agree with Jake. It's a two dog. Okay, so here's what you've decided. Okay. You're going to die in a cabin? No. With a dog?

No way. In America? Okay. What was the last one? There's no way this was a game that you'd knew about before and so clearly made up. Okay, your turn. Ready?

Yeah. I know what you really want to play. Yeah, of course. I love this game. Okay. You know the whole game. No, it's a... Do different rules.

High five or low five? City. Or... High five or low five? High five. Huh? High five. Okay.

As a chipmunk, you're going to get smushed by a high five? No, I'm not going to get smushed by a high five. You got to be careful. You got to be careful. You got to be careful. All right, we need another girl's name. All I have is normal ones. Are they so boring because they're so normal?

That's fine if it's normal. The last one was really long and complicated too, so... But if you can do it... I don't even think so. Yeah, okay. You can do a quick easy... Earl Faltateat. Sorry?

What's that? He said Earl Faltateat. Earl Faltateat? Teat? Or teat. No, Earl Faltateat. Teat. Earl Faltateat.

Earl Faltateat. Earl Faltateat? Okay. Say it. I did. No, a chipmunk would have problems with this. Yeah. Because his fat, fat cheeks can get around it.

Earl Faltateat. Earl Faltateat. Okay. Earl Faltateat. Middle name. Sue. Of course. Earl Faltateat.

Sue. Sue. And then she has the last name. Which is? So he's an easy one. Oh, actually, we don't even need it. We might as well have it while we're here. We're here.

Yeah, we're here. Might as well have it. All right. Earl Faltateat. Sue. Sue. Count me down. Three, two, one.

And then? And then you say the last name. I counted you down. You asked us to count you down. So what are you saying? And then? Of course, of course. Of course.

Earl Faltateat. Yep. Sue. You don't have to remind us of the first two, but yeah. We got it. We got it. Two, one. Count down.

Three, two, one. Dungarys. It's, huh? Okay. Dungarys. All right. Earl Faltateat. Sue Dungarys?

No. Dungarys? Dungarys. Dungarys. That sounds like you're just saying Dungarys. Oofalt. No, do you want me to spell it? D-O-O-N.

G-E-R-I-E-N. Umlats have to go above letters. You don't say N, umlat. Oh. E, comma, umlats. A comma and an umlat. Two umlats. Two umlats, so double umlats.

So the first umlat is double the power. Earl Faltateat. Sue Dungarys. Dungarys. Okay. Got it. What'd she say? No need to apologize for not answering my previous question.

For this predicament, it's one for the books. Here's the dish. I'm pretty funny. Obviously that's not the issue. I don't really do bits or anything like that. I guess I just, the normal things I say are comical to those around me. I like to do a lot of puns, wordplay. What you may call dad jokes, which get the crowds giggling.

But I would say the majority of my funny is just kind of how I speak and think. I'm pretty bad at impersonating people or doing characters, which I guess is funny in a way that people are laughing at me. So that's cool. Onto the problem, I want to be more funny. I don't just want to amuse my friends and peers. I want to crack people the fuck up. So my question is, how can I become more funny?

Joke books, improv, something entirely else, or is being funny and inherent quality? And am I just doomed to being moderately hilarious for the rest of my life? I'd like to take this one if you guys don't mind. P.S. please tell Ben Schwartz. I think he's amazing. You two are rad. Does he say that?

Yeah. Someone's getting a free copy of my book. When does that come out? Is it me? What's the person's name? It's Earl Faltateet. Sue Dungeis. Okay.

I'm sending an envelope right now. I'm sending it out to Earl Faltateet. Sue Dungeis. You have to put the address on. Not just a gibberish word. Okay. And I'm going to say your address. My address?

Congratulations. You're sending it to your place? I would say probably grab my book. There's comedy in it. It could teach you comedy. So what's the question? Can you teach... By the way, this is a question that's sometimes when I used to coach improv.

Do you think you can make someone... So when I used to coach for like UCB side teams, would... Do you think that you guys could coach someone to be funny? I don't know about funny, but I bet funny, you're... I think I could take the tools in which you have, for improv at least, and show you how to use those tools better. So maybe become a better improviser,

but I don't think you can make someone funnier, can you? What do you think that she could take improv classes and become funnier? Maybe that's the form where she's very good. Yeah, I mean, she mentioned it, right? She said, should I take improv? Yeah. It's also subjective. Like someone who I think is unfunny might be a very successful comedy writer.

Okay, so give me an example of someone you find unfunny. So for example, my friend David Young, right? He's so prolific. He works for Jimmy Fallon. He wrote for Carpill Karaoke, and now he's writing on a different show. He's a comedy writer. He's been a comedy writer for 13 years. But...

He's incredibly unfunny. He's not funny, and he'll be the first to tell you. He doesn't think he's funny at all. So not true. Is that true? I don't think he's funny. No, sorry. I don't think he's funny.

He thinks he's funny. He thinks he's funny. Yeah, he thinks he's funny. But I don't think he's funny. She should absolutely edit this out because it is... I'm saying he's not funny. It is grass, it is biting. But at the same time, he thinks I'm funny.

He is not becoming a sweet little chipmunk because I know. Why would you shit someone? You must have eaten a lot of acorns. No, I didn't eat a lot of acorns. I've never had an acorn. Yeah, right. Oh my God. Yeah, right.

You think I've had an acorn. Yeah, right. You think I've eaten an acorn? Are you kidding me, dude? I think you swim in acorns like Scrooge McDuck swims in gold coins. That's your currency. That is your currency. When you have to buy like a slice of pizza to put in your big cheeks.

I'll use cash. You can't use cash. You want to be pockets? Yes, I do. No, you don't. If you do, you strip them from a human. No way. Well, I guess you time in it.

Yeah, what do you mean? Yeah, you have just a big old turtleneck. That's what you wear. No, I don't. A huge green turtleneck dress. I've never worn a green turtleneck dress. Yeah, right. Sing Christmas time, Christmas time.

Time and once a year, time for fun. And time for cheers. Literally, literally. The eye, body, hood, lil' hoop. Wow. What do you think that sounds like, though? What do you mean? Does that sound like a chipmunk or a person impersonating chipmunk?

Oh, chipmunk, 100%. You sound like more like a chipmunk impersonating a human. That's correct. How can I become more funny? How can I be anymore? It's more just more the same. It doesn't sound like she's that old, right? She is 91.

91? By the right. Don't put it out there. Don't you dare. Don't you dare put that song out there. We need it for us. Joke books, improv, is there a way to come up here? By the way, watch comedy.

Watch the things that make you laugh. Go see shows. Sometimes when I was doing improv classes, I would see a ton of shows and see what people did and just been inspired by them and stuff like that. That was really helpful. I would watch there's a show called Ask Cat. I would go to back in the day and it was like Amy Poehler

and Brian Husky and Jack McBrayer and Tina Fey would come. Rachel Dratch, Matt Walsh, Matt Besser, Ian Roberts and Paul Shearer. A byproduct of doing stuff like that is that you make, I mean, right now I'm sure you have great friends that you entertain, but you immerse yourself in comedy. You make funnier friends and then you're doing bits all the time and you elevate each other. Makes sense.

You learn how to be funnier. Here's a comedy question. What attributes, what adjectives about someone do they need to have to be funny? Like, do you have to be smart to be funny? Wow, this is an interesting little conversation. Like, if funny didn't exist. I guess, okay, so for like, so what makes you laugh?

If like a chipmunk slips on some water or like- That's funny to me as an adult male, but I don't need to be a chipmunk. Or like how a chipmunk like picks up a banana and pretends to surf on it. Right, I think that's funny. I do also think that's funny, but that doesn't mean I'm a chipmunk. I think that's funny just because-

Well, it's just picturing you do it. Or chipmunks do it. It's funny. Because I think one of the most important things to have for a sense of humor is a sense of irony. What does that mean? You like see the opposites and the incongruity of things. But how do you do that?

Do you have to be smart? You have to be perceptive. Well, how about this, there's an intellectual comic and there's also a physical comic. So you can be dummy and still be funny. I think there are people, well, I think so, don't you think? Yes, I do think so. But do you think somebody like Larry the Cable Guy

is dumb and funny? Or is he- I mean, I guess you don't think he's funny. Well, that's a character, right? Right. But you think that comedian is smart. Larry the Cable Guy is an Oxford English trained Shakespearean actor and that's a character that he does.

He really got to do that. That is not true. Yes, he is. He's on an Oxford trained act, whatever. Yeah. Eldred Nightingale. He's a Rhodes Scholar. I don't believe this.

He's a micro-physicist. Is the same with Guy Fieri? No, Guy Fieri is a dumbass. Don't be mean to Guy. He listens to this show. Not really. He has a bunch of restaurants. By the way, that's another thing.

There's some people that you look and you'd be like, wow, what are you doing? Like, I don't think- I don't know how intelligent you are, but then they have their own businesses and they have- So they're doing something, right? You know what I mean?

Like Trump? Huh? Huh? He's a good businessman. All the art of the deal is all. Oh, God. So are you saying you can become funnier? Can you become unfunny to funny?

Do you think if it rains and you open your mouth, you would get enough water to stay hydrated? You are thirsty. Do you think? To stay hydrated for like the day? Yeah. If it rained for half an hour and you tilted your head back and you tried to drink that water,

could you get enough water? Could you get a full- Could you get like a glass of water? No. That's a good quick- No, yeah. Probably not, right? I don't know.

I'm asking you guys. It would have to be like eight inches of water in an hour. Only a chipmunk would know that much specifics about what it's like to grab water on this guy. No, it's not. It's the opposite. If anything, it's the opposite. Chipmunks are probably too dumb to even comprehend

the idea of space and time. That's why it's so unique. Quantities are the same. Are you the smartest chipmunks that there ever has been? I didn't even know- You're Simon. Literally, Simon's the smartest chipmunk in the world. Until you.

Pretty cool. No, it's not. I don't know. I don't know if you can teach someone to be funny. I think being around funny people helps because you learn a cadence and a rhythm. I think that people can be funny around other people, funnier, don't you think?

Or by the way, maybe you find someone that has your sense of comedy. Like, you guys fit very well together, but you guys by yourselves are terrible. I haven't seen one of you guys make a real watch. Say something together. Just do anything together. Like a two-man little bit.

No, just talk to each other. That's all it takes. Okay, hey, how's it going? Fine. That's good. Yeah, I'm good too. I guess you guys aren't really that funny. That wasn't funny, but we...

So say something funny. Do something funny. Okay, we'll give us a suggestion. Captain Crunch. Okay, pass. Let's get one more. Yeah, any other suggestion? No, with each other.

Okay, Jake, you're selling Amir a laptop. That's funny. That's really funny, actually. It would be more like you selling me. Let's do you selling me Captain Crunch. Okay. All right. Hey, Captain Crunch for sale over here.

Who wants one pouch? I thought this was a laptop. That's funny. That's funny. You didn't let him put... You said one sentence, so that's funny. All right, all right, all right. Hey, Captain Crunch here.

Who's got a pouch or is this a laptop store? What? Sorry. You're stepping out of my life. I don't know. You're trying to do the scene alone. No, no, no. I can do it with you.

Do it. Be a two-person team. All right, so you're... Hey, Steve Miller. Hey, Captain Crunch here. Captain Crunch here. Who wants to come in? Oh, don't say it's a laptop store.

That's my line. And then, Jake. This is so... Right? You're stealing the scene. No, I'm not stealing the scene. Is Jake... Let Jake say something.

Let Jake initiate. I'll start the scene. So, Amir, you're not allowed to talk. Just say hi, and I'll take you there. No, no. Jake, you say whatever you want, and then when you're done, point to Amir so he knows when you're done.

All right. I've had enough of that already. Wait, stop. Let him... I got to Captain Crunch for sale. One pouch, you come in here. It's not a fucking laptop store. If you do, you're going to get a knuckle sandwich.

You are the only person turning into this laptop store. Jake, say your sentence. Okay. Jake is crying. I can say it. You don't say anything. I won't say anything. You're playing a mime.

Okay. Okay? Captain Crunch doesn't sound like that. I got a Captain Crunch story. All right, go. All right. I got a Captain Crunch. Mimes, don't talk.

I'm practicing. For what? You're not supposed to talk. I know, but when we're done, we're going to do anything. All right, go. Jake. I'm going to say it.

Yeah. Don't say it. All right. G-wism. Come on. I'm making noises. Hitchoo. G-wism, honking.

Oh, gee whiz. You got a Captain Crunch patch over here at the Santa Laptop Store. And I'm not going to say anything because you know why? Because I'm a fucking mime, you bish. All right, go. So how do you learn how to be that funny?

I mean, just find one funny friend and it's team rolled. I think about surrounding yourself with funny people, practicing your crap. You get- Or the opposite. You get quicker. Surround yourself with unfunny people

so that the mediocre rises to the top and the land of the blind, the man with one eye is queen. Okay, so I agree with Jake. I think surrounding yourself with funny people- Of course. Do the things that you find funny. If you want to be funny,

I don't know if reading a book, I think it becomes a little technical, right? Yeah, I think you have to- I think you got- It's like learning to speak a lot. I mean, like an instruction book on how to be funny. I don't know how one would even do that.

But like, you think you would speak Spanish better if you like- Yes. Red Rosetta Stone or something, or if you like went and lived in Spain for a year. Well, I don't know if you read Rosetta Stone, right? It's an audio thing. I don't fucking know.

I don't- You don't know what I'm saying. Well, okay, I guess. I don't know Spanish. Are you crying? You're like a humor- I'm still- The cabin closed,

but it really cracked me. A humor, a laughter, a humor immersion program. So you immerse yourself with funny people and you'll come out just reeking of comedy. That's what I think. I think so. I agree with both of you guys.

And it's agreed. Ben, thank you for coming on our show. This has been episode 300. What? It can't be over already? That's right. 55 minutes up, 55 minutes down,

the perfect episode. No way. Get it to an hour. I'm not leaving. What's that? We're going to an hour. All right. Five minutes to promote your book.

Go for it. Okay. Thank you, Shari. I know about Daniel. You fucking idiot. Ben Schwartz, Laura Moses. This is my fourth book. First book was called

Breaking Bad News- Oh, Grandma's Dead, Breaking Bad News of Baby Animals. Second book was called Why Is Daddy in a Dress, Asking Awkward Questions of Baby Animals. Third one is called- Maybe Your Leg Will Grow Back?

Yeah, it's clearly not a book you wrote. By the way, I did write all three of these. Can't remember the title of the book you wrote. It was years ago, fuck. But there's no one that's called Things You Sure Know About Daddy, You Fucking Idiot. I really think it's funny.

I've laureated all the illustrations, which I think are beautiful, and I'm excited. I think I really hope, by this time it will already be out, we'll see if anybody cares. But I think if you enjoy comedy, I think this will be a fun one for you.

You guys like Farside, right? The comic? I love Farside. Love Farside. I thought of a Farside comic. Go ahead. Can I pitch it to you guys? Yeah.

You tell me when we hit an hour. Okay. Oh, we're there. Fuck. Okay, thank you guys so much. Love it, hang out. We'll see you for episode 301. This has been Ben Schwartz,

Jake Hurwitz, and Chipmunks. We still got three minutes left. We've got three minutes left, all right. Ready? He wants a lula hoop. Yes, I am a chipmunk to a lula hoop. Let's do pussycat. You guys sound like chipmunks

more than I do, by the way. I am a chipmunk. I am a chipmunk. So now that there's two people just like you here, will you finally admit it? I'm a chipmunk. Me too. Are you guys for real though?

Yeah. You're seriously not just saying that you're a chipmunk. I really, I live in the forest. Same with me. I live in trees. How do you think I know so much about acorns? Yeah. I'm here, this is a safe space.

I'm a chipmunk. Okay. Are you? I'm a chipmunk. You fucking idiot. I knew it. I'm a human being. Of course.

I'm a human being. Of course you're a human. You stupid idiot. What do you think? They were chipmunks? I can't believe you're actually a chipmunk. You're a crazy person. What's your first said?

Five cannibals sitting around to talk into each other. You know how he does like the caveman thing. So maybe there's a sign that says cannibal convention. One of the cannibals says to the other, you know they say don't eat your heroes. I like it. So I guess make sure you hang out with funny people. Go out of your way.

Try to find the ones that make sense and are funny. People that are like really cool. It doesn't matter if they're cool. I mean in high school I hung out with everybody. Like I don't know if I don't think I was cool. I probably wasn't. I put a lot of video game stuff. But just try to surround yourself with the people that inspire you

and you connect with and you can create comedy, okay? Good luck. Good luck everybody. What time is it? Uh yeah, it's been an hour. Guys, I just want to say this. 300 episodes, 300 up, 300 down, 300 hours of content. That's right.

Too much. How long do you think you can make it go for? We got at least another 1,000 in us. There's no way that's true. Well not another 1,000 but I think we'll get to 1,000. 300 seems like we made 800 Jake and Amiris and they probably took more effort. Took way more effort.

Way more. Way more. Way more. All right guys, this is Ben Schwartz signing off. Congratulations everybody for listening to 300. If you're like me, this will be the last one you ever listen to. Shut it off, change your dial. Talk to you soon.

Love you very much. Thank you for being supportive. I love you Jake. I love you buddy. This closing theme song is a Lady Gaga parody written by some guy named Austin and his album is called Corey Phil. I love you Amir.

Love you too. Thank you for coming on our show. It's a great tradition to have you here every 100 episodes. I'll see you. How long does it take a year to get through 100? It takes about 100 weeks. So it'll take a little over two years. A little under two years, yeah.

All right guys, I'll see you for the next live one. Hell yeah. Later. That's even if it's coming from Amir's cousin, Iran. He doesn't like to be insulted on. If I were you, the show, they try to make the worst seeing better. These for you, do you know?

They try to answer every letter. Well, I've got 100 million reasons to walk away. Baby, all I need is one hand, George, to stay. That's awesome, dude. That was a hate gum podcast.