If I Were You - 304: Why Won't You Date Me (w/Nicole Byer!)

Episode Date: December 4, 2017

Friend and Comedian Nicole Byer joins us to discuss rejection, dating apps, and her new HeadGum podcast!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. The only one on the internet, hosted by Ace and Jocelyn, and sometimes our reluctant guest. If I were you, show at gmail.com. Okay, that's the email. If I were you, show.com. Okay, that's the website. If I were you, the podcast show. Okay, let's keep going.

If I were you, starts now. Wow. Best leave song ever. It really is. You should use it as your actual theme song forever. I know. That's the problem. We started this shtick of using original theme songs.

It's a little bit like, oh, we can't choose. We got to keep testing sampling ones out. And we've gotten some great ones over the years. We have over 300 episodes. Dang. We have like 500, 600 theme songs. I love the YouTube compilation playlist of all the best ones. Reddit, if you're listening.

And I know you are. That one, Nicole Byer, I should introduce you. That one. Oh, yeah, that's me. It was written by a band called Dear Lincoln, which is a good name for a band. Oh, they're a band? I thought this was one person. That's cheating.

So it was a band. What? Cheating if it's a band? Cheating. Stairway to Heaven is a... That's cheating. Actually, I don't know who wrote... I always talk about Stairway to Heaven on this fucking part.

To be fair, it was written by one guy and he's in a band. Is that still cheating? Yeah, because he used the resources of a band to make a song. That's what bands do. So all songs are cheating for you? No, theme songs, a theme song challenge. Can you use your band? No, that's...

What if there's one person out there who's like, I want my theme song, but they don't have a band? So this is the second theme song they submitted. It's a Shake Senora Beatlejuice song parody. The first one was the Scooby-Doo-Bee-Doo one. That was the other great one. Do you have it? I do.

Do you want to hear it? Yeah. You want to close with it, maybe? Then you can hear it at the end. No, let's hear it now, dude. We're talking about it. Yeah. We will forget about it by the end.

Here it is. Ready? We can talk over this one. That's great. This one's also good, right? They're cheaters. They got a whole band. I'm about to get into Dear Lincoln.

I'm going to actually get into their band. That should be the rule. If you make two theme songs that I really like, I listen to your band now. It is a game. I listen to their band. Are they on iTunes? DearLincoln.com or Facebook.com. Sorry about it.

DearLincoln. I'm not going to go to either of those places. I said hi to you. That's it. That's it. That's Spotify? They probably have Spotify. At this point, you got to.

All right. Well, I'm going to search. Nicole Byer. We have to do the podcast. Let's just listen to them. Over and over. Nicole, you're our newest headgun podcaster. Hi, hi, hi.

It's me. We get a lot of excited potential hosts coming in here, and then they have an idea, but they don't really execute. You came in here like two months ago with an awesome idea, and we're like, let's do it, and you fucking are doing it. I am. I'm doing it. You have close to 20 episodes recorded before we even release.

You're a machine. You have a teaser episode, theme song, picture. We've never been as organized as we are when you're at the helm of a show. Really? Yeah. You are kicking ass for us, so we appreciate it. Yeah. Also, every time we have a guest on our podcast, we get a text like, sorry, I'm late, and you

just were on time. Yeah. Was I on time? Yeah. Are you good at being organized? Yeah. I'm very bad at it. Are you just being self-deprecating?

Are you actually? No. No. I'm terrible at organization. I'm terrible at following through on things. So how are you such a hard worker? I have ADHD, and if I have one thing to focus on, I could do that. That's easy.

I see. So it's all about having that one thing. So this podcast is your one thing. Yeah. I was like wrapping up my show. Yeah. You're also working on a show. You're lying to me.

Okay. So two things. I'm great at like having a professional life and doing things professionally, but like my personal life, oh boy, it's in shambles, which is what this podcast is about. Kind of. I have no man in my life. Yeah. It's called Why Won't You Date Me?

And I'm trying to figure out why no one will date me. Well, it's kind of related to our show because our show is an advice show, I should say. And we get a lot of questions like why won't anyone date me? Oh dear. We get emails. It's called If I Were You. It's an advice show hosted by me and Jake. Sometimes just us.

Sometimes we have friends in the house. Nicole, that person, they're that guest today is you. It's me. Congratulations. Hey, I feel so honored. And your show, by the time this episode comes out, is live. Your show is live. Yeah.

Why Won't You Date Me? You can listen to episode one on headgum.com or iTunes or wherever you listen to podcasts, we should say. So listen to that. Do you want to do the quick pitch about what your show is? My show is called Why Won't You Date Me? And I interview people I've hooked up with and other comedians and just friends in general. And I talked to them about their issues with dating or their successes with dating.

And then we talk about why I'm unsuccessful at dating, and then I ask them why they won't date me. And then they give me a very real answer that sometimes hurts my feelings. You're talking to people who you hooked up with, who have then moved on and have a good relationship. Uh-huh. Yeah. Yeah, it's really great.

Feels good. Yeah, that sounds like my worst nightmare. Would you? It's actually pretty interesting. Would you do that, Jake? Kind of cathartic. Would you do that? Interview somebody that I hooked up with?

Yeah. No. God. I would like somebody else to do it and me be there. Oh. I do want to be a podcast. I do want to be a podcast. Would I be like, was that fun?

Do you want it to be private, though? You don't want to actually publicize the answers. Well, unless they're like, awesome. Yeah. So you want somebody to host a show that's private unless it's good about you, public, in which they, but not you, interview people you hooked up with asking questions that you want to know the answers to, but don't have the courage to ask them. Putting words in my mouth when you say, that's what I want.

Well, I'd say that's what I'd be. That sounds cool. Yeah. I like that. If that's what you're offering. Yes. Yeah. But like, yeah.

You're not going to go out of the way of the show. I can do that. Give me a list. Give me a list of all the ladies you fucked. Just go to twitter.com slash jaker. It's following. Yeah. And then it's.

Wow. One by one. I don't think so. I only follow. Actually. A few politics writers that I did make out with in eighth grade. That's right. I hooked up with David from do you follow political people on Twitter?

Are you off that? Sure. Duh. Actually, no, I do follow Camilla Harris and Corey Booker, a couple of, you know, prominent Democrats. Oh yeah. All the guys, everyone that's running in 2020. All right.

So let's try to answer a few of these questions. Questions. These are real questions from real people, but we're going to give them fake names just to preserve their anonymity. Really? Absolutely. Wait. Do they ask you to give them fake names or do you just do that?

We do it just to not out them. Half of them ask. Yeah. Oh, okay. And we don't want to risk it. So if you have a fake girl's name, we can reference this lady as do you have one? Okay. It could be anything.

Juanita. That's good. Last name? Sneaker. Great. The last name rarely comes up, but it's good to know. Okay. Juanita Sneaker writes, Hey guys.

So I matched with this dude on Tinder and we started talking. He was the first guy that could actually hold a conversation with me and we eventually met up. We hung out every other day and talked on Snapchat constantly. He was always so excited to see me. After a week of hanging out, we fucked and it was amazing. Or so I thought. Oh no.

When I went home that day, I didn't hear from him at all. No snaps, no texts. When I snapped him later that night, he took a while to respond and was very short with me. From then on, we talked only once a day. I usually was the one who started the conversation yesterday. He asked to meet up and I was pumped. I went to his place and sat on his bed.

He didn't even sit next to me the entire time. We just watched TV and smoked weed. He seemed so disinterested. I don't even know why he asked me to hang out. Why do you think he's being like this? I thought things were going great and I wanted him to be a fuck buddy at the very least. Haven't heard from him since I left yesterday and I want to ask him what the fuck is up, but I don't want to seem psycho.

I'm pretty much sad about it because I have no one else to hang out with. Oh no one need a sneaker. So what do you think? I think this dude wanted to fuck. He got what he wanted and he moved on. I don't think you're a psycho for saying what's up. Why aren't we hanging out? Yeah.

Because then you'll have your answer. If he goes, I moved on, then you're like, all right, I got to let it go. Yeah. Is it good to have closure or would you rather just be like, I'm going to fade away too and if he does it too, then we can avoid that entire conversation. I have a podcast where I talk to people, I fuck and ask them why they don't hate me. I love closure. You love the answers.

I love knowing why. The answer is similar from person to person or different. The interview. What? Are the answers different from person to person? They've been pretty different. Some people are just like, I didn't feel it. I was like, okay, cool.

Can you change anything? It's not you, it's me thing. Yeah. And some of them were like, it's you. And that's fine. That's absolutely fine. Yeah. It's not you.

It's me. Like often it's, it's both, it's, it's me and it's you. And like you weren't good for me and I wasn't interested in you. It's never me or me and not you. It's because he doesn't like her. Juanita, he doesn't like you and that sucks to hear, but he doesn't. But that sometimes Juanita doesn't like somebody else. Yeah.

Juanita, you probably won't like everybody. He's not as good as you think he is. No offense men are trash. No offense. All of them. You guys seem very nice. No, no. But you're not.

We're just nice trash. Yeah. You're at the top of the dumpster. Yeah. We're like a clean but empty can of LaCroix. That's a good one. Yeah. The tab has been broken off.

It's fine. So that means you're, that means you're recycling. Yeah. That's a nice thing to do. Which is good. Yeah. I'm trash. You're compost.

Yeah. Oh, compost? Yeah. You're a brown paper bowl. That's the best thing for the earth. Right. I think I'm a styrofoam piece of, you're a peanut. I'm a serve of coffee cup that a bum shit in.

No, I am. No, I am. No, I am. I really am a styrofoam bum shit toilet. Here's the question that I have. If the answer is the same, whether she hears it from him or not, if it's, he is not interested in you, whether he says it or whether she just assumes it, is it, is there any difference? There is no difference, but there are some people who just need to hear it from the source

so they don't wonder about it anymore. But do you feel like this guy would be honest enough to say, you know what, it's just not right right now. You're, I don't like you for whatever reason, or would he be like, no, no, I'm into it. I'm just super busy at work and then I keep answering you. But then you also have your answer. If someone's super busy to see you, that means they don't want you because I know when I like someone, I make time to see them.

So there's three different things that could happen is one, she never hears from him again if she doesn't reach out to, she asks him what the deal is and he says, I'm sorry, I'm not interested. And three, she asked him what the deal is and he lies and says, I like you, but I'm super busy and then she has to use her deductive reasoning too. So but they're all the same one answer, which is that he doesn't like you anymore. And also if you're chasing a dude, why, like why? Because I think it hangs out at the end.

It happens at the end. She says, I'm pretty sad because I have no one else to hang out with. Well, she met this guy on Tinder. Right. The other guy's on Tinder. He wasn't the only one. Here, Juanita, leave your house, go into the world and make a friend. It's all about putting all your eggs into more than one basket because when you have

so much relying on one person, that's when like, it's kind of like work. You have to have multiple projects happening to keep you busy because when one inevitably stalls, go slow. You have something else to work on. That's right. Are you the same way? Are you like into the, are you more of a quantity person when it comes to these dating apps? Are you even on these dating apps?

Oh boy. I am on Tinder, I'm on Bumble, Raya rejected me and I'm on Hinge. What? Raya rejected you? Oh yeah, baby. That's bad. What's that? When?

Like a year and a half ago. You can't try again. You can't try again? Nope. It's you go to the app and it goes, thank you for your interest. You are on a waiting list. That's crazy. You have to get a new phone.

I got to get a food. No, I think it's your email address. I don't, I think I've, I don't know what I would have to do. So of those apps, which one do you use the most? Which one do you like the least? I don't like Bumble. Bumble? You don't like that one?

No. Nobody talks to me on Bumble. I've only had one conversation. You have to talk to them? I know, but you'll match with them and they'll go high, high, high and then they go, no. I talked to somebody recently who is, who also didn't like Bumble and I was really surprised because I thought that like Bumble was like the, the hip new one that like weeds out the douchebags, but she's like, I don't want to do all the work.

Yeah. You have to do all the work and then they still get to not answer you. So which one is the best in your eyes? I guess Tinder, even though everyone's a fucking dumpster on it. Truly. Also, everyone's very ugly. I've seen like nice ones being potatoes, like everyone is just disgusting. And then I started talking to this guy on hinge.

We talked for like five days and then finally I was like, I'll just ask him out. So I asked him out and then he just disappeared. He deleted me and I was like, what was the point? Why did we waste each other's time? Do some people just like conversating with strangers? Maybe, but he was also like into comedy. So like, I don't know if he like knew who I was and was like, ooh, it's fun to talk to her.

But then he was like, I can't fuck her. You just wanted to ask cat tickets. Yeah. I'm dying to get to the UCB. I don't know. What about IRL? Do you have any success, more success in that? In real life.

Yeah. Yeah. If I go to a bar and get really drunk, it's very easy to find a friend for the night. Is it? As a lady? I've always been curious about that. Oh yeah. You just truly, you're just like, hello, do you want a drink?

And usually he's like, ah, yes, please. And then you go, all right, do you want to fuck? And they go, ah, yes, please. You just said that at a bar. Do you want to fuck? Absolutely. That's how you get what you want. No one ever said that to me.

Really? I always thought that to happen. You've never had a woman be like, let's fuck. I've like fucked. I had sex before. Okay. I've actually had sex. Have you?

I've had like those, I've had stuff like that happen, like I met somebody who had left a bar like fucked in a bathroom or something like, but I've never. Did you initiate it? Yeah. Well, I mean, I guess so. Or like they, they initiate, but never with like, ah, hey, let's fuck. Like no one's ever like whispered that to me like, let's get out of here. Oh, I don't even whisper it.

Relax. Excuse me. What's your, uh, success rate with the, hey, let's fuck. Are you ever getting rejected? I mean, it's like very rarely. Yeah. I had one friend reject me who's like a friend of mine. Oh, a friend.

No, Nicole. Absolutely not. And I was like, okay, you're lost. And he was like, not really. We're friends. What's the, what's the closest or what's the shortest distance between meeting and hey, let's fuck? Um, there was this guy I met in a tiki bar.

The tiki bar on the sunset. Do you know what I'm talking about? Tiki tea. Yes. And it's a very small bar. Very, very tiny. The size of the studio. Yeah.

It's so small. We talked for maybe a half hour. And I was like, you live alone? And he's like, why? And I was like, cause I won't fuck. And he's like, let's go. Wow. That's a long time.

Half hour? I mean, it's not a long time for meeting to say, hey, let's fuck. That's pretty short. I've definitely done less, less time than that, but never, never with the, the, hey, let's like never. So what? You like blink at someone and her like tits are out? What do you mean?

Like some sort of, I, uh, what's that? Um, well fuck. What's the gypsy? The genie show. I dream of genie. Oh yeah. Have you ever had sex with somebody without saying a word to them? No.

No, are you kidding? How? Have you done that? I think so. If you're out, you meet somebody on a dance floor. You're like dancing, you're dancing. It's loud. You start making out.

And then you like go to the bathroom. Never have I ever gone to the bathroom. No, that's never happened. That's happened to you? That's happened to you? No. I've never had sex. That's where I lost my virginity.

In a bar bathroom? Yeah. It was 18 or 19. I lost it late. Wow. A bar bathroom. Yeah. It was at a restaurant called, uh, Pernima.

It's on season one, episode two of kitchen nightmares. Okay. And my roommate worked there and I met this guy named Elvis. And Elvis and I were talking for like 10 minutes. And then I was like, let's come to the bathroom. I fuck. And then I did that. So 10 minutes.

That's less than 30. Oh, there we go. Yeah. That's a good job at that place. A blow job. I guess they liked my moves. So if you have this magical power to put it lightly, you can say, hey, let's fuck. And more often than not, it would happen.

What's the appeal of any of these apps? Why are you chatting, talking, swiping, wasting time? Oh, because I'm trying to, I don't know, I'm 30. Oh, you want a relationship, not just sex? Yes. A partner, if you will. Got it. Your podcast is called, Why Won't You Date Me?

Why Won't You Fuck Me? I can get fucked so easily. It's very easy. Is it less exciting now that you've realized how easy it is or is it still a little exciting? The first time you have sex with someone isn't great. It's not always wonderful. I want that like fourth time where you're like, oh yeah, you know what I want. Like the last guy I fucked had a lizard in his room and a lukewarm hot tub and talked

about how Trump was a good businessman. I was like, I should leave, but I drove 25 minutes. Don't I'm gonna get it? So I just want someone who's a normal person. What percentage of your, hey, let's fucks, do you fuck another time several days later? It's very low. Very low. I would say like 20% because a lot of times they're idiots.

Right. And the more time you spend with someone, the more you have to talk to them and you're like, ugh. Because most humans are. It's bad. Can you, are you capable of overlooking idiocy or does that ruin it for you? I know it ruins it because then I don't want to be like rolling my eyes while you're like licking my post and coming up to say something dumb.

I'm like, ugh, this isn't fun. You are honest. Marissa was right. I'm a very honest person. It's perfect. My mind is blown that I took my shirt off during that podcast. Yeah, you did. I said I was honest during Gabriel says hi and mighty and I took my shirt off.

I wonder why. You did a power hour. You drank 60 beers in an hour. No, 60 shots of beer. 60 shots of beer in one hour. Yes. You had shown up to that place, drunk. And I had already had three vacasodas and I think I drank all of his makers' mark during

it and I chugged a beer. That's too much. Ooh, baby, I was trying to die. No, sometimes I'm having too much fun and can't say no to myself. Too much fun. I'm just having the time in my life. Yeah, poisoning yourself. I feel that.

Have you had alcohol since then? That was about a week ago. Oh, absolutely. I probably drunk every night since. Okay. Well, not like a stupid amount, like just some wine here and there. Yeah, a normal amount. Or a nice vacasoda.

Yeah, you know. A nice vacasoda. A nice tall glass. A nice tall glass. A pint glass of lukewarm vacasoda. A nice, yes. That was my drink in my early 20s. Vacasoda?

Like a pint glass of vodka with a splash of soda. Oh, yeah. A pint glass of vodka. My friends used to drink vodka water. Yeah, I can't do vodka water. I need at least a little bubble. Yeah, carbonated. It's basic.

Vodka water, no ice. Vodka carbonated water. That's diluted vodka. That seems not right. Can I get a straight out of Nalgene? Yeah. A lukewarm vodka water and a dusty plastic bottle. What does the lady want?

Just to bring us back to this question is. Oh, yes, yes, yes. I want to ask him what the fuck is up, but I don't want to seem like a psycho. You're saying you can ask and not seem like a psycho. I mean, if he infers that you're a psycho, then like that's on him. But also maybe you've done other things. And that's why you think you're going to come off as a psycho. But honestly, I don't know how old you are, but like adults can ask adults questions.

Yeah. I think she can ask, but you also already know the answer. Yes. So it's a matter of like, if you want, if you personally need closure, then go ahead and ask. Yeah. If you want to hear us just tell you that this is over, then yeah. Yeah.

And you already know it's over too. You know. Wanting to sneak her, you know. But if there's a chance to resuscitate it, does it happen if she doesn't say anything? No, leave it alone. Like why would you want to go through that again? It's just going to happen again. Right.

If he wants it, he'll pursue it later. Right. Even if she asks, why don't you date me? If she goes, why won't you date me? And you just like, oh, whatever answer, then it goes away. And then he comes back into her life. Now she has the choice to be like, you know what? No, I don't want that again.

Or yes, I do want that again. Have you had any resurfacers on your podcast? Not on my podcast now. But in your life? Yes, in my life. But I won't have him on the podcast because he's crazy. Whoa. It's a single dude.

Yes. He's insane. You should start another podcast just to talk about him. I mean, honestly, I've just talked about him so much in therapy. You got to bring a microphone to those, man. I'm telling you. Another podcast. You're always hustling.

Do you think you would get in trouble if you did that? Like therapists can't. Yeah, but there's no client-client confidentiality. I can repeat anything I said to a therapist to publicate. But could you get in trouble for airing your therapist's voice? Probably. You just have to ask them. But they would be like, no.

It's unethical. Obviously, no. Right, yeah. Don't, okay. Just record your voice. I'll be the therapist. Okay. Just record it as though I say anything.

Honestly, that would be pretty funny. Yeah. That's legal. Question mark? Yeah, because my therapist is like a 40-year-old white lady. So it'd be very funny for you to say the things that she's saying. I don't not look like a 40. A lot of people think I look like Rachel Maddow who's a 40-year-old white lady.

That's very funny. But I can pass for a 40-year-old white lady. Doesn't 40 sound like the perfect age for Rachel Maddow if you had to guess? I would say 38. No, you wouldn't. She's like at least 42, 43. Rachel Maddow age, according to Google. I've been surprised by Don Lemon.

I'm going to look it up. 44. Ooh, dang. There we go. She looks good. Yeah, she looks good. And she was born on April Fool's Day. Oh, dang.

We're also the same height. All right. Let's go to the next question. Are you, Rachel Maddow? I don't know. That's what I'm thinking. You might be. All right.

Let's take a break. We'll thank some sponsors. And then we'll come back and try to answer some more questions. We'll dive real deep, but we'll come back out and answer some more stuff. Just fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist. And you can switch therapists at any time for no additional charge. It's incredibly helpful. Therapy has helped millions of people over thousands of years.

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So the prices are already affordable because you're not paying rent for a building somewhere that you have to drive to and wait in a waiting room. This is done entirely online, but you're still getting professional licensed help. And it's extra affordable. That's betterhelp.com. If I were you, check them out. Thanks, BetterHelp. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show.

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And we're back. All right. Back when the coal, we mentioned it briefly, but are you having fun doing your podcast? I am having fun. You've already recorded probably close to four or five months worth of episodes. What are you going to keep the party going? No, I'm going to take a little break for now. I'm going to record one today.

Oh, shit. One more. Because I was already here. Somebody that you hooked up with? No. The people I've hooked up with, I think I've been able to record all the ones that I can because some of you were like, it's too personal. I recorded one with a guy I hooked up with and then he recently was like, can we not

air that? Wow. And I was like, can you just like listen to it and tell me what you don't like about it? And then he's like, just not, none of it. Wow. But he made like, he said the funniest thing that I loved that I was like, this is why I just want to air it.

I was like, why wouldn't you date me? And he was like spinning his wheels and he was like, oh, this reason, this reason. I was like, you can't hurt my feelings. And then he goes, oh, okay. Well, I didn't think you respected yourself. And I was like, okay. Shit. All right.

That's okay. And I was like, I really loved that moment. And no, no one's going to hear it unless I repeated a bunch of times. I was starting now. God, the podcast sounds so real. I'm excited to listen to it. I haven't heard any of it. It is very real.

I was telling my sister about it. And she was like, I think this is exciting for you because people can see another side of you. My sister's a very small woman. And she loves Jesus and she speaks very quietly. Oh really? Wow. We're very different.

Opposites. Yeah, I hate Jesus and I'm loud. And she's white, right? She's very white. She's Rachel Maddow. She is. You're my sister? Finally.

We can talk about it. And what's your show? What show are you working on at the same damn time? What? For Facebook. Oh. I was like, I'm doing what? You don't even remember it.

I was like, I'm doing what? You don't even remember it. I was like, I'm doing what? You don't even remember it. I was like, I'm doing what? I was like, I'm doing what? I was like, I'm doing what? You don't even remember it.

I was like, I'm doing what? I was like, I'm doing what? I was like, I'm doing what? I was like, I'm doing what? I was like, I'm doing what? I was like, I'm doing what? I was like, I'm doing what? I was like, I'm doing what?

I was like, I'm doing what? I was like, I'm doing what? I was like, I'm doing what? I was like, I'm doing what? I was like, I'm doing what? I was like, I'm doing what? I was like, I'm doing what? I was like, I'm doing what?

I was like, I'm doing what? I was like, I'm doing what? I was like, I'm doing what? I was like, I'm doing what? Season 2 is coming on Facebook. Yes. Wow. So Season 1 was on MTV.

It got canceled. That's what I thought. And then Facebook bought it. And then we re-edited some episodes for Facebook. And then, yeah, they're streaming now. You can see them. If you go to the Watch tab on Facebook, they have not explained this to anyone. Yeah, Facebook is slowly rolling out.

People constantly are like, Facebook has content? Original content. They have so much content. Yeah, they have all the content. All the content. How much content they have that they're not telling anybody about. Yeah. But yeah, you just go to the Watch page and type in loosely exactly Nicole.

You can watch the first episode and then make sure you go back to the page to watch the second episode because it doesn't autoplay. Of course not. It's great. Would you say that's your biggest note if you had to tweak one thing about Facebook? Yeah, just let autoplay happen on episodes of shows. It seems like they'd want that too. Yeah, I would think that.

Have you been to the Facebook headquarters up in Palo Alto, is it? No, but I've been to a satellite headquarters in Maravista. Down here? Yes, you have to sign in with your Facebook page. Wow. So if you don't have one. I don't know. I think I don't think you can go.

And why the fuck are you there in the first place, man? My brother started working at Facebook so long ago. The big thing when he started working there was, will Facebook or MySpace win that rivalry? Oh, well, I guess. Who did win? MySpace. Definitely MySpace. We all have our MySpace pages.

We're music auto plays. Music auto plays. Wow. Do you guys have no idea what MySpace.com is right now? But it looks like the home screen to Yahoo. Oh really? There's still a MySpace.com? Where is Tom?

Tom works at Facebook. Does he? Yeah. Wait, does he really? No. That would be hilarious. The sprint man who now works for Var... No, the Verizon man who now works for Sprint.

Oh, that's right. It's wild. Can you hear me now? Yeah. It's disgusting. Can you hear that? Motherfucker. All right, let's get back to these questions.

Oh, I hope it's a juicy one. This one is slightly less juicy, but it's from a college age student. Do you have a guy's name for him? I do. His name is Horanato Marcus. That's really good. Horanato. Horanato?

Marcus. That's cool. I like that. You would think it'd be Marcus Horanato. That's Marcus comma Horanato. The question is, I regularly keep seven types of cheeses on hand at home. Is that excessive? If it matters, the seven cheeses are Mexican four cheese blend, shredded mozzarella.

So we're talking about 11 cheeses there. Sorry. If it's a four cheese blend, then you have 11 cheeses. Not unless they exist within the other six. All right. Shredded mozzarella, cheddar provolone, creamy Swiss, Parmesan, and of course, the goat. Oh. Goat.

The goat cheese. Grier. Thoughts on cheeses, Nicole? Gross. What is he doing with these fucking cheeses? What? I don't like raw cheese, which is what I call cold cheese. I only like it melted, which is cooked cheese.

I only like melted slash cooked cheeses. Raw cheese? Yeah. This is the craziest thing you've said on the podcast so far. And you talked about hate fucking again. Yeah. I don't like raw cheese. I think it's gross.

The texture of shredded cheese. And then sometimes it gets under your nails. It's gross to me. But if you melt the cheese and it becomes hot, then you're into it? That's great. It's gooey and you pull in and it doesn't get stuck anywhere. Yeah. It changes the makeup of cheese when you melt it.

It seems like it happens to cheese. It's not like it's just hot now. No, it's a different texture. It is. It seems like the grosser one is the slimy or liquidy melted cheese. No. I love it. A good pizza.

Yum. I like a hard cheese that was melted. Like a nice congealed day old quesadilla. Oh, sure. That's great. That's my shit. That's great. That's delicious.

A nice day old pizza too. Man. A hard day old pizza is great. Next morning pizza. A burger that's like slightly cold with cheddar or like American. I love American cheese. American cheese. It tastes like plastic.

Wait, American cheese, but that comes in the refrigerated singles. You're not eating that? No, I can't eat it. We're off. So how are you melting it? What? It's like a sandwich grilled cheese. How are you melting the cheese?

I can do grilled cheese on a burger. And that's all. That's the only way I'll eat American cheese. So if you were in a guy's house. And I opened your refrigerator and he had seven fucking bags of cheese. Is that lizard level, Trump level? I would be like, whoa. No, it's not lizard or Trump level.

Right. But I would just be like, ew, this man. So that does mean you would still fuck the guy. Oh, I mean, there's very few things a person could do that I won't fuck you for. Although I did go on a date with this guy who was, he lied. Okay. So in his Tinder profile, he's like touching his ceiling, which makes him look like he's tall.

But then I actually looked at it and I was like, oh, that ceiling is close to the door. He's short. Oh. He tricked me. And then I met up with him and he was like five, five. And I was like, whoa. Optical illusion. Yes.

He was too tiny. And he had a stutter. He didn't fuck you because he was too tiny? He had a stutter. No, it was a combination of everything. And I was like talking about things I hate because I don't know. He was also like boring. And I was talking about how much I hate soup because soup is dumb.

Wow. Amir's favorite food is soup. That's good. I don't understand why you want to slurp on something hot. What about French onion soup? Are you fucking kidding? Are you fucking kidding? So you have to give through the fucking melted cheese and then there's brown fucking broth.

And then there's talking about hot cheese. How much you love hot cheese and now you don't like soup? I can't, I can't understand you. Soup is disgusting. You don't like any soup? No. Chicken noodle soup. It's like salty broth.

It's like jizz in a cup. And then there's like little things in the jizz. But you like jizz. And then you want, I love jizz. But I don't swallow jizz. I'm not like spitting. I eat it with a spoon. I'm not spooning jizz.

I'm not ladling jizz into my mouth. So you never ate soup? No. I don't eat soup or jizz. Wow. I always spit. Soup and jizz. No jizz.

No raw cheese. No jizz. You eat what? You like espacho? That's fucking liquid ketchup and it's cold. No. I don't like tomato based soups actually. So we can get along with that.

It's gross. Yeah. But I do like ramen. I like ramen a lot. You like ramen. Ramen's too salty. Too salty? Yeah.

What's wrong with salt? It makes you retain water and you get all bloated the next day. So you're more of a sweets? Yeah. I like savory. So isn't salty and savory very similar? What's savory but not salty? You'll break him.

He's got a short wire. Just giggle. Okay. Like a steak. A steam coming out of Amir's ears right now. Like a steak. A steak that's not salty. Yeah.

But like you have to have a little salt on it. Got it. Like I want a nice salty, not salty but like a little bit of salt. You just said it. A little bit of salt. You just admitted to it. More pepper than salt. Got it.

I like a nice peppercorn steak. Well, I like peppercorn too. Yeah. That's what's up. You had the one on Stella? No. Is it delicious? It really is.

There's like a peppercorn steak there that's fucking dope. Ooh. I've never been to Stella. Where's Stella? It's on Sunset. Not too far from that Tiki lab. Oh, is it Sun? Yeah.

It's close. Oh, it's right next to Intelligencia. Oh, okay. I'm going to go there. I love a peppercorn steak. There's this place called the Capital Grill. It is in Seattle. It's a little bit of a travel.

Yeah. It's so good. But if you bake the price of the flight into the cost of the steak, it's like you're paying $600 for a steak. Yeah. And that's reasonable. You can buy like a $200 steak if you go to like Peter Luger. Yeah.

If you're already going to Vegas, you might as well swing through Seattle. So really, really quickly, seven cheeses, would you say is too many? Is this excessive? It's disgusting and it really makes me upset. Jake? As long as he's eating all the cheese. I think it's... It's unbecoming if you have a lot of stale cheese in there.

Oh my God. But if you're eating all the cheese, that's fine. It's good to have a full refrigerator. It's also, I would say it depends what else is in the refrigerator, right? Yeah. Because if it's like four cans of blood light and seven cheeses, then it's a weird fridge. Then it's like, I feel like you're probably... If you've got vegetables, if you've got meat...

Like constipated all the time. Yeah. If you're just drinking beer and cheese. I mean, it sounds fine. I like beer and cheese, but just like if that's too many... Do you like cold cheese? Do you like raw cheese? Yeah.

Do you like brie? Yeah. Brie is disgusting. People keep trying to make me eat a baked brie bullshit thing. That's exactly what you like, because you had a hot cheese... But brie's nasty hot cheese. Brie is a very unique taste. I had some truffle brie cheese the other day and it was quite delicious.

Do you not like truffle? Truffle? No. That's savory. I really can't figure you out at all. I was on your side with the whole soup thing. I don't like truffles. Truffles are mushrooms.

Truffles got to be savory. I don't like mushrooms. Mushrooms are nasty. I don't like mushrooms either. I went to Providence. It's a contest. Who can relate to the goal? Have you guys ever been to Providence?

Yes. I have. So have I. So have I. I love Providence. Rhode Island? No. The restaurant next to Party City on...

Sunset? I've never been there. Melrose? It's on Melrose. It's really expensive in like Fufu, Fushi? Fufu, Fufu. Oh, that's like $500 a person. It's wild.

You got to go. Baller. But they have a box of truffles that they make you smell. And the first time it happened, I was like, I don't know what you want from me. I guess it smells good. Anyway, here's a steak from Stella. It looks so good. That's my favorite with the Palm Freeth.

I think I'm going to go tonight. Hell yeah, dude. I can't fucking wait. Please let me know how it is. I'm like wet from this steak. I love steak. It's a really good steak. Oh, yum.

I can see your finger just zooming in. Oh, yeah, baby. You just tried to swipe it right. It's just a photo. I did. Oh my God, what a treat. Do you have time to answer one more question real quick? What do you mean do I have time?

I mean, I know you got another podcast to record. Yeah, but I think he's coming at like 3.30. Okay, you're doing great then. All right, one last guy's name. Okay. His name is George Washington. Whoa. First president.

Carver. George Washington Carver, the first peanut butter man. Me and my best friend of five years. Arguably a better legacy. I think so. Me and my best friend of five years. Both males are married with kids, so we don't get to hang out much. Recently, we went to a Korean bathhouse together as part of a bro day to get some much needed

hangout time away from our fans. We were fully new to neither of us have a problem with that. We've changed clothes in front of each other a handful of amounts of times full on in the nude. Here's my problem. I'm black. He's white and I have a well above average penis. Also, when I first emerged from the hot tub, he said something to the effect of so I guess

the rumors are true. I laughed it off and kept moving. He made a few other snide remarks that I can't remember now too, but ever since that day three weeks ago, he's been acting strange. He's been avoiding me, not responding to texts like he used to. And we when we chat on the phone, he's being kind of short with me. I figure I tried to figure out what's going on, but literally nothing in our lives has changed since that day.

I can't point to anything else, but that one weird comment. I don't know what to do. Please don't think I'm bragging about my dick. I genuinely want to be dressed my, but I genuinely want my best friend back and I don't know what to do. Maybe it's something else. Could this be dick related? Is this what penis envy is?

Help me. You're my only hope. Sincerely, George Washington. Oh no. His only hope. Is this a thing that you've noticed as a lady? Different penis sizes based on race or is that a completely untrue? I mean, all the black penises I fucked have been very nice and big, but then there's been

a lot of nice big white dicks. But then also there's been some micro white dicks and then there was one broken white dick. What's a broken white dick look like? Oh no. It looked like someone had punched his dick. It's like fully bent? It was bent.

Yeah. It was like not bent, like not curved. It was like a hard L. Oh right. Like an elbow. Yeah. It was wild. Like a tetris piece.

What about circumcised or uncircumcised dicks? I love an uncircumcised dick. Uncircumcised. Oh baby. I love an uncircumcised. Why is that? It's got more skin. And there's more stuff.

There's a more ribbed for your pleasure, if you will. Interesting. We're both clearly circumcised. Also, when you jerk off an uncircumcised dick, it helps you out. Right. There's more skin. There's like a little sleeve. Yeah.

Interesting. Our foreskins are attached to each other. Oh it's cute. Yeah. We have a little tiny finger trap. That's cute. Chinese dick finger trap style. I miss my foreskin.

Do you? I don't know. I never actually knew it, but I wonder. I also think it's weird to just chop off the foreskin of a baby. Yeah. You got to do it young. Because a baby doesn't know if it needs it or not. Yeah, that's true.

The parents are there to make that decision. Well, people are like, it's a cleanliness thing. It's like, I don't know, just tell your kid to pull its skin back and clean it. Yeah. That's it. Yeah, you tell what you're going to cut off the ears because the kid doesn't wash behind their ears. Yeah.

It's crazy. It's crazy. But it's a Jewish custom, right? Whoa. Let's not point fingers here. What religion was the one that's like, let's have a rabbi give the baby wine and chop off their coughs? And then invite the whole family.

Hey, just like kosher. It's a cleanliness thing. Uncle Rob, we're going to have a boil come over. Why is kosher cleanliness? Just because meat and cheese back then were not healthy for you. So they made it illegal to have. So wait, kosher, you don't have meat? We don't have meat and cheese together.

Oh. So yeah, there's no hot cheese. So you can't have a cheeseburger? Or not you, but kosher people cannot have cheeseburgers? Kosher people cannot have cheeseburgers, that's correct. Wow. And they also can't eat pork because pork. Yeah, it was also considered dirty.

My dad didn't eat pork because he was like, it's dirty. I was like, I mean, come on. They wash it. They wash it. They wash it. Also, you eat McDonald's and that's not even food. That's salt. That's where your love of savory came from.

So do you guys think this is dick related or do you think he's just. It's very curious. I don't know. I would be weird to be like, my best friend has a big dick. I'm going to act short around him. Yeah. But then maybe it's like a subconscious thing where you're like, oh, his dick is so big and that's all I want in my mouth.

Oh, I see. Maybe his best friend is in love with him and he realized it when he saw his big black cock and then he's like, he doesn't know how to deal with the feelings. Oh, I guess I never thought of it that way. I think the answer lies in what your friend's dick looked like. Oh, yeah. Because this guy has the big black dick and his friend, if his friend has an average white dick to a big white dick, I think then it's another thing.

Well, if his friend has a tiny white dick, I think that's what it is. Maybe. Have you two ever seen another dick? I've been like, oh, no. Oh, like mine's so inadequate. Mine's bad. No, I've never seen another. I've never seen like a huge flaccid dick on one of my friends.

Every dick of like my friends that I've seen, I'm just like, that's about right. That's about right for what I imagine. How many dicks have you seen? Where do you see them? Like skinny dipping or like changing at the gym or like circle jerks. There are times when you get drunk and like people are peeing outside, or you take your dick out as a joke, like you walk out of the bathroom with your dick out. I've seen your dick when we were skinny dipping.

Yeah. Saw my brother's dick a couple of times. Saw Dave's dick a lot. Jeff's dick a couple of times. I've never been skinny dipping. Really? Yeah, no, it seems weird. Why is that?

It's great. It feels amazing. I don't know. It seems like, well, if you're going to get naked and get in the water, you should be in the shower. Well, again, you prefer hot to cold. Skinny dipping in the ocean is really kind of, I don't know. It's a really unique, it's a very unique feeling to just like have all of your private parts floating around in the pool. See, that feels very strange to me.

It does feel strange, but it's like a fun strange. I have a pool and I haven't been skinny dipping in my pool yet. I cannot believe that you have not gone skinny dipping in your pool. That's like the first thing I would do. That's like bathing. Right, but you're by yourself. It's like putting one in to go to a shower or something. Well, I did wear my bra in the shower when I woke up on Thanksgiving soaking wet in a towel and a shower cap.

I still had a bra on. That was related to the power hour. Maybe I was like, God, keep these titties harnessed. Just in case. I don't know. Yeah, I don't, it feels, I don't know. He said they had kids though, right? Like they each have kids.

Yeah, they each have kids. I think it's got it. I think, especially because he made, I don't know, I feel like if you make several jokes about it, it's like this guy's cool with it. But the multiple jokes maybe suggest that he's not. I think the big black man should ask the mediocre white man if he's mad at him. Just be like, oh, are you mad at me? Something feels, something feels off. I don't think there's any.

It's your dick. All right. It's your large cock. I want your big dick. For Christ's sake. I don't think there's anything wrong with asking someone straight up. That's what you said for the first question. You're very big.

I ask people, well, I let things go on for a while until I'm like, well, I have to ask them. And then I'll ask. And then sometimes I get a real answer. Sometimes I don't. And then I, I make adjustments. I had a friend who was like being real nasty to me for no reason. And I told her that she was being nasty. And I asked her what was up and she gave me a weird bullshit answer.

And I said, okay, but you, you can't emotionally tell me what's up. So I can't talk to you right now. Oh, and that was it. Did you ever find out why? No. And I, if she comes back around and she explains it, then like, great. If she doesn't, then that's fine. I had another friend who I like broke up with because she was being awful.

And then she came back around and explained why she was being awful. And then I made a choice to not to rekindle our friendship. Wow. Cause I was like, I don't need that. Would you say she's such a nasty woman? Jesus. Yeah. She's a nasty woman.

Good. I'm glad to hear that. Such a nasty woman. I'll say, wait it out a little bit. Wait it out a little bit. Wait it out. You don't have to bring the dick thing. Maybe he's going through something.

You don't have to bring up the dick thing. But you say like, hey man, what's going on? We haven't texted. We haven't talked in a while. Something going on with your kid. Like take the onus off like him and be like, is it your wife? Is something wrong with her? Is it your kid?

Is it your wife, your girlfriend or your main chick? Yeah. Is it your side chick? Is she taking up your time? Your side piece. I would be so inside piece. And that's just desperation talking. Have you been someone's side piece?

Kind of. Really? I knew this guy was dating this girl on and off and we would fuck and I never asked if they were on, I just was like, I mean, if I don't know, who cares? That's bad. It wasn't it. It'd feel great. The onus isn't on you to find out.

It's go- Yeah, you'll tell me if you want me to know. Yeah, that's how lying works. Uh, alright. Thanks for coming by. Thanks for stopping by. Oh! Thanks for having me.

And then if you want to hear more Nicole, check out her new Head Gum podcast. which is called Why Won't You Date Me? Episode one is online right now. And there's at least 19 more where that came from. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, 18 because I can't air one. But we heard the best part of it anyway. Yeah.

And if you like what you hear as always, remember to rate, review, and subscribe. It's even more important in the first week, which is right now. Cool. Is it? Yeah. Why is it important? Yeah.

It means ranks their podcast based on how many people have recently subscribed. So if you go from a new show of zero subscriptions to like a thousand or two thousand, they think that's such a huge rate of change that they're going to put you on like top 10 lists. Yeah. So you should be pushing your fans.

Oh, yeah. Chudley. Yeah. Spinning side kick. All right. The opening theme song was written by the band Deer Lincoln. Remember? Yeah.

The song was written by Jack, who tried to go with the Blink 182 style thing. It didn't work out. But you know what? He made it his own. Let's check it out. Sounds amazing. Thanks, Jack.

Thanks, Deer Lincoln. Thanks to you guys for writing emails. Thanks to Nicole for stopping by. Yeah, you're welcome. The email address for everything is IfIWereYouShow at gmail.com. We'll be back next week. Don't worry. Ciao.

That was a hate gum podcast.