If I Were You - 305: Masturbating on a Unicycle (w/Tim and Tom from Complete Guide to Everything!)

Episode Date: December 11, 2017

Friends and fellow HeadGum podcasters join us to discuss Hamilton, Disney Princesses, and prank calls.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. Bernard Mars. Yeah, that is his full name. Did you guys know that? Tim and Tom from the Complete Guide to Everything podcast. Did you know that Bruno Mars' full name is Bernard Martian? Wow. Bernard or Brunard?

Brunard. Good man. You caught us in a lie. Very good. His real name is Brunard Mars. We're recording this live in Brooklyn. Of course, live means nothing because we're recording it. I don't even know why I said that.

Jake and I are in Brooklyn, the East Coast office. We thought, what better time to get the Complete Guide to Everything podcast than right now. You guys don't come to LA very often, right? Never. Ever. Never. You've never been to LA?

No, I've been to LA. I live there. I don't know why you've never had a son. We've been lying to each other since we sat down. This is bad. This is a bad combination. Four sarcastic idiots talking to each other. Yeah.

Lying every other seconds. It's just going to be an hour of really? Yeah, no. No. Do you guys do that a lot? Do you guys just say stuff that sounds correct but isn't? And then when people find out, they're just kind of mad at you. Oh, I guess you've never listened to our show.

That's all. It's 10 truths and a lie. Pretty much what it is. Yeah. Your podcast is basically informational. So I hope you're dispensing true factual news. Not that fake news you see on CNN.com. No.

Come on. Oh, what? Political already. I'm serious. You guys read the news, right? Why? What's been happening? Oh, no.

You guys have just been doing a podcast. I've been busy flying back and forth between here and LA every week to record. Fuck. There's an LA studio? There's an LA now? How often do you guys record out of this place? We're here pretty much every week. And can you just give us a quick rundown for whatever reason if listeners to our show

don't listen to yours yet? I don't think that'll be necessary. Okay, yeah, you're right. They all listen. It's called the complete guy to everything. Yeah, it's a competitor to Wikipedia. So every week we do a different topic. We're taking them down.

Yeah, taking them down in audio form. Yeah, by reading them out loud to people. Well, we don't read the articles. No, of course not. We give the audio. We look at the pictures. Yeah, I look at the pictures to try and figure out what's going on. Neither of us can read.

What's an example of a recent episode? We just did one about Broadway. Yeah. Tim went to see Hamilton. Yeah, we have a lot of... We inject our first-hand experience on it. Oh. Like if there's a high roller that's set in the front row of the Hamilton production,

that might be an interesting perspective on Broadway. You recorded it during Hamilton, I believe. Yeah. In the background is like people you sing shh, shh, and like the actual play itself. They were surprisingly cool about it, though. You were in the front row. That's a Broadway question. The front row is a bad place to sit, right?

Yeah. It's cheaper than like the sixth row. Yeah. How much was your ticket? High roller? Oh, come on. Don't put them on blast. I was a sweepstakes winner.

I'll have you know. Is that true? You won the lottery? Mm-hmm. I won the actual lottery and spent the $18 million on tickets to Hamilton. Have you guys been watching Curb? How it's like one of the plot lines is Larry David trying to get tickets from Lynn and not even he can get tickets for his friends?

That doesn't make any sense. That can't be true. Yeah. In that universe, StubHub doesn't exist. Oh, okay. Yeah. He's a billionaire. He's a very rich, connected man.

Yeah. They don't really talk about how like Larry David's worth several hundred millions of dollars on the show. He doesn't seem rich, but like it never comes up that he's infinitely wealthy. Yeah. I guess I would make a new house. Yeah. He does have a really nice big house in Santa Monica.

Yeah. But it doesn't come up that like he can just give someone a million dollars. There's never an episode about like all of his checks. Yeah. I want to like see. There was a Seinfeld rerun. Yeah. So you have another million dollars now.

Yeah. Refresh your bank account. It probably wouldn't be that good of a show if every episode ended with him solving his problems with money. Which is probably what happens. I don't think I want to be polite. So here's seven hundred and thirty thousand dollars. I just bought this restaurant.

So I'm going to be rude to the waiters now. There's nothing you can do about it. It's a true curb. Curb music. All right. So but this isn't your podcast. This is our podcast. Yes.

We have to record an episode of our show. If I were you, the only advice podcast on the Internet that Jake and I host. Sometimes just us, sometimes friends, headgun podcasters, fellow headgun podcasters, and today we have Tim and Tom. Do I have to say your last names or it's easier? It's just easier that way. Hey, thank you for having us. Oh, sure.

We were bad guests. Thank you for specifying that you have friends and also podcasters. Yeah. But never both. And then never, never the tween shiny. We alternate between the two. That's good. Keep it separate.

You guys did an episode on Bitcoin, right? Oh, did we? Can I record that one? Maybe. Sure. That's one that people are talking about a lot that nobody really understands how that works. Hey, it just keeps going up.

Yeah. It'll never stop. That's how it works. It'll just never stop. Yeah. It hasn't stopped yet. It's not too late to buy. You can buy in and you'll be bragging that you got it at $10,000.

It's actually 11 and a half thousand now. Wow. Really? You could have been bragging that you bought it at 10. Somebody gifted us a gift, a Bitcoin. Yeah. Not an entire Bitcoin, but I did check about that. Four years ago, somebody was like, hey, how come you guys don't have a Bitcoin address

for donations? I was like, all right, fine. I'll set this up. And we got like $110. I was like, oh, great. That was really worth it. And I looked the other day. It's like $250.

Wow. So you guys have a Coinbase account with this gift coin? Yeah. Not an entire coin, a fraction of a coin, but that's not worth $250. Yeah. Shit. So this will probably be... Now we double down.

Yeah. Can you do that with a Bitcoin? That's what the episode's about. Going buy more Bitcoin with that Bitcoin? Yeah. I don't think you understand. You flip it, you see. We should put it into real estate.

Listen, well, it's not getting to actual useful piece of advice. This is about trying to advise the future of the world out of their sticky situations. This question comes from us from, I don't know where, but instead of sent from iPhone, it says, Enviado destemi iPhone. Ooh. So probably Peru, right? That's where the Envious iPhones are. We're going to read this real email from a real person, but we need a fake man's name

to refer to him as. How about Tom, you want to start us off with a fake guy's name? Lance. That's great. Where'd you come up with that? I have a cousin named Lance. Okay. Nice.

No last name. Ready? Lance writes, My stepmom is the devil, who I can only assume torture small animals in her free time. Anyway, I hacked into her account on our family computer using my new admin account, and I found some pretty telling shit. She has documents telling her story about marrying my dad and how horrible my brother and I are.

She talks about her relationship with my dad and everything she says about him. Anyway, how could I use this information to destroy her? Love the show. Love Lance. So how can this guy out his evil stepmother? So is this step? I think it's just mom. Oh, is it?

My stepmom is the devil. Oh, never mind. Sorry. It's a stepmom playing on writing a tell all about the family. That sounds like documents. Yeah. What kind of document? What kind of like grown woman sits down and writes opens up a word.

I got a modern diary. I think it sounds like she's keeping a diary and saying how much she hates her kids, which seems, you know, reasonable, given what a piece of shit Lance is being. Yeah. He hacked into her account. I don't imagine like a PC. I don't imagine this is on a Mac. I imagine like yellow files, C colon slash documents, text edit, mind sweeper and the

like. Well, I was going to say, if he has an admin account, that's that doesn't even require hacking. That's just like you switch into the other account. So yeah, when you say hacked into an account, you're really patting yourself on the back. Well, did he say it was a new admin account? He didn't specify the newness of the admin account. I thought he had been granted this by another administrator on this computer.

The dad who does tech support. How could I use this information to destroy her? There's a problem with Lance's plan. That's not damaging information. Every stepmother hates their stepkids or stepfather. That's what they're known for. Yeah. Like Cinderella.

Yeah. Exactly. And no one else. Stepmother wasn't out there like, no, no, I like Cinderella. They're back there. I have proof. Yeah. And Cinderella didn't end with her like, I found the document saying you hate me.

How did Cinderella end? She hacked into an iPad. Really? Yeah. It's kind of ahead of its time. Sleeping Beauty. The prince has to kiss her while she's asleep. That doesn't sound very woke at all.

Oh, that wouldn't fly today. Would it? Walt. Isn't that what happens in Snow White, too? Oh, wait. Which one is? There's Snow White, Cinderella, and Sleeping Beauty. They all get kissed while asleep.

Oh, yeah. They all, right. They all, like, Snow White eats the poison apple and she dies and then the prince, uh, Dave rapes her and she wakes up. Did you call him a prince? Do you have something against Snow White? So I kissed you while you were sleeping and now I'd like your hand in marriage. That's how it works, right?

I can't imagine, in my mind, the difference between Snow White and Sleeping Beauty. Aren't they all, are they, is it the same cartoon? Snow White is the dwarfs. We're so far from helping the kids. But they all have brown hair, short brown hair, long brown hair. No, she has black hair. Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty both have long blonde hair. Snow White does.

Oh, Sleeping Beauty is blonde? Yeah. Snow White has the, uh, the body. She's beautiful. Yeah. She is the hot one, right? Christ, man. What?

We don't know the difference between Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty. Oh, Cinderella was the glass slipper. Yeah. At the ball. Yep. Uh, Prince fights the dragon, which is actually. There's a dragon? Her mom.

Yeah. There's a dragon? Wait, and the dragons are mom? Step mom. I think, oh wait, which brings us back to this dragon. This in Cinderella, it's a witch, right? I know. Marika's just taking her hand.

No, that's Snow White. Snow White. She cannot believe these four idiots. Are you struggling because you know the answer and I don't, or are you shaking your head because I'm wasting my time talking about this? Is there a little bit of both? Do you know the difference between, do you know the difference between those three? Sort of.

I know that Cinderella isn't the dragon. Is not the dragon. Right. Not the dragon. That's Maleficent. Who I think. What? Maleficent?

Right. That's a recent movie. That's a new. All right, this could be an episode of your show. Yeah, I don't think any of these things had dragons in them. This is, what, there was a dragon or something, whatever. I'm looking up during the break, you better believe. This is all like Disney princesses before Hitler, that would be the name of your show,

the episode. Right. Yeah, back when they didn't give a shit. So how do you destroy your mom with documents? Documents. I guess you print the documents. Yeah, print them and show them to the dad. Yeah, you put them in a manila, right?

A manila folder. Yeah, slam it on the table during dinner. You'd be like, so. I have the files. I have them right here. The docs. You slam them on the folder, on the table. The folder hits the table.

The docs spill out, obviously. They're all blank. Yeah. Like, well, there was no ink in the printer, but I saw the docs. I can't afford toner with stepmother's attitude. You know I can't afford toner. See, I'm kind of with you, though. You said parking garage.

When did he say that? Oh, did he say parking garage? I set it off and mic'd it up. Oh, we have a psychic link. Yeah, you can say it into the microphone. It's like, oh, there are cameras. There and there. They're all underneath the table.

Right on our nostrils. I like the parking garage. Cigarette, parking garage. Oh, deep throat style. Or the other cool move is like the FBI, the cop car thing. You know, you're like driver side to driver side. Yeah. That's kind of cool.

Yeah. I always like when I see cop cars doing that. Yeah, it's fun. God, they're exchanging information. That's sort of how you would have to do it with your brother. And then like you make the plan to. Yeah, you can't do it in the house because the stepmom's there. Yeah.

He should lock her out of the account. First off, use these admin hacking skills he has. Because first thing she's going to do is try and wipe those files clean. Yeah. Preserve all this evidence. If I know my evil stepmom's, I know she'll try to delete the files. She sounds so sad. She's like, she's just venting into a word document and he's going to use that again.

Just leave her alone. She can't cry. I can't. I'm bad enough. Two shitty step kids. I'm on team stepmom. Is that crazy? I am.

All right, let's see if we can help this next person. Oh, this one's also about a regular mom, but it's from a lady in Australia. Tim. Tim. Take it away. It's got to be Australian. Branglin. That was Australian.

Branglin. Branglin. Branglin. Branglin. Branglin. Brangs. Branglin. Brangs.

Brangs. Brangs. Brangs. Right. I'm a 22 year old lady from Australia and something horrific has happened to me. I overheard my mom masturbating. That's right. Sorry, I added that's right.

Just for a fact. That's right, masturbating. Last night, I was in my bedroom at about 10 p. Door closed, but lights still on, and I got up to go urinate. As I left my bedroom and entered the hallway, I heard moaning and a knocking of the headboard. I panicked and returned to my bedroom without peeing.

I know it was my mom masturbating as she is single and is the only other person I live with. She didn't even close her bedroom door before going at it and obviously made no effort to be quiet. One look into the hallway and she would have been able to see that I was still awake by the light coming from underneath my bedroom door. What the fuck am I supposed to do now?

I'll never be able to look at my mom the same way again. And worst part is, I didn't even end up getting to pee as I was so traumatized by what I had heard. I retreated to my bedroom immediately. Please help love. Branglyn. Branglyn. You hear about, I walked in on my parents having sex,

but you never hear about it. I walked in on my father or mother masturbating. Which do you think is worse? That's a great question. Masturbating. Okay. It's way, really. You know somewhere in your brain that your parents

at least had sex a couple times because you're there. You rarely think of your dad jacking off. And it's until now. Tim, are you thinking of the, close your eyes and imagine your old man sitting in your style. Yes, I got it. I am the guest. Just cranking.

Just, oh he's working up a sweat. I mean. Cause it's been a while. It's also, masturbating is a sort of like, it's a really sad little base need that is depressing that like we have to indulge in it. Yeah, it's primal. Yeah.

It's so. Like just touching your happy stick till you explode with joy. Right. I can make myself feel joy. That's the sound of masturbation. And you're the most unguarded. You're not trying to impress anyone else.

Right. It's so private. It's so personal. Is that, is that, is there a cool way? What's the coolest way to masturbate? Like if you got caught like, yeah, but at least I was doing it in a cool way. Standing up in the shower, water on the chest,

eyes up at the ceiling. I think it's the only cool way to jerk off. Singing a really cool song well. You probably don't want to be like jerking off while singing is like. Yeah, I don't know. I can't treat you to the sweet lead of Leho. That's how I never get to the second fucking stanza.

That's how Mike Flynn does it. Fucking pledges allegiance to his cock. I'm serious, dude. Getting back to back with his son, jerking off in the same prison shower. Hoorah! Where were we? I think it'd be pretty impressive to,

like the coolest jacking off is, if you can manage it while like riding a BMX bike. Oh, that's cool, on a motorcycle. That's a trick. Yeah, like tooling along. We have a friend that claims somebody did that. Tricked off while motorcycle riding? No, just riding like a bike, right?

Like a mountain bike. I think it was a mountain bike. Riding a bike? Yeah, just riding a bike. Well, apparently the guy was horny all the time. He couldn't help it. And he was like, this trail's not that bumpy. He was going down a hill, so he could do it hands-free

and not have to, you know. He was on a Bluetooth too, right? This is pre-Bluetooth. Oh, this is pre-Bluetooth? Yeah. This was also a fella that claimed he jerked off during, while he was taking the SAT. Like, what?

After he finished it. I believe that, right? During the SAT? You don't lie about it, dude. You see that dude? No, you don't. Yes, he does, he's a teenager, that's a great lie. Are you under the assumption you're sworn in

before you take that SAT? I still think you lie about masturbating. Like, it's not bragging. It's not like, to do it during the SAT is bragging. No, it's not. Yes, it is. That's so sad. I think it's fake.

I'm calling this guy's bluff. Like, he did it while sitting at the desk or he went to the bathroom? No, it like, undetected at the desk while filling out the stanchion. What did he get? 680 math, 720 verbal. 1580, yeah.

We had a kid in my middle school that got kicked out of class for masturbating during class. During class. So like, people are doing it during the SATs. I think that's higher stakes is during the SATs. It is a high stress situation. Because you have to all have to take your SATs. But think about, if you spread the rumor around

that you jerked off during the SATs and then like, later on, you happen to get a perfect score and they had like an assembly for you and everybody knew, except the teachers, that would be something. That would be another reason to jerk off. Yeah, and then you jerk off during the assembly. Yeah.

Don't high five each other. That was a special moment. I just want to make sure he wasn't jerking off. That's what a high 10 is about. God, jerking off while. What about in a masturbating on a unicycle? You think that's a Google search? That would yield the result?

I think that that's a that's a bridge too far. I would ask Marika. Yeah, you're saying her hands are nowhere near the keyboard. She's not making a move to bring them there. Yeah, it's google.com. I actually see. Yes, she's called 911 over the other one. It's already open on a Google image tab.

How the fuck? How did we get there? How does this, what's the name? Branglin. How does she know her mom wasn't having sex with a ghost? Yeah, I don't think people, I guess I didn't think of that. That's kind of cool. You don't bang your head against the bed board

when you're masturbating. I think she was getting fucked by a ghost or a person. Yeah. I think she was having, I think the mom was having sex. Thoughts? She was not having sex. Wow. Oh, that's a pretty powerful counterpoint.

And he was masturbate during the SAT. He was using fake arms. There's no reason why she shouldn't have gone to the bathroom though. Yeah, that really like rubs me the wrong way. The fact that she went back to bed. Yes, definitely. Amazing.

I intended the fun and it was good. And we had it. Yeah, I can't imagine going back to bed and not pee. Oh yeah. I sometimes get up and I have to pee just a little bit. Like a sprinkle. Of course. Cause I, it's on my mind.

Yeah. You might have to do that right now. See, that's the problem in the future. She's gonna always think twice before she gets up to pee during the night. She's gonna wind up with a bladder infection. I think all you can do is nothing. And like if it happens again,

you just go to the bathroom really noisily. Yeah. Just have something to break in your room. Right? Clump around. She's right across the hall it sounds like. Yeah. You know, like the common thing of like in Australia,

they do that to you. It's like the opposite, which is kind of makes sense here. It's like in Australia, you catch your mom masturbating cause everything is so fucking topsy turvy down there. Yeah. You have not been on masturbating, right?

Not that I know. Like if it happened, it wasn't like a thing. Right. But no, I don't think so. You guys ever been caught masturbating? No, but if I had a child and. You better believe I'm cat. I walk under cover.

A child or not a child, like my spawn doing that. I wouldn't be like, well, like I'd just like, be like, oh, I hope he didn't see me. Right? So like, maybe I did get caught by somebody who was just like, I don't want to have a conversation about this. Yeah.

Do you have a conversation if you walk in on your mom? Probably not, right? No, definitely not. Yeah. That's why I was wondering if she's asking like, should I confront her about this? Hey mom, no more piddling your pud in the house here. Quit diddling your pee, mother. Oh, the exact question is what the fuck

am I supposed to do now? Probably not. Well, first things first, go pee. Yeah. If you're waiting for us, she's waiting for a response. She has to wait a week until this episode comes out for her to. You can die from holding in your pee.

Of course. Absolutely. You can drown yourself in your own urine. I don't think that's what happens. But still. Well, you could do that in addition. Yeah. If you peed into a really big bucket for a long time.

And then you sort of bobbed for apples in it and faint. And then you die. You drown in your own piss. So that's another thing you could do. Yeah. Another one is to just. Unlikely, but possible. That's the name of our other podcast we're starting. Unlikely, but possible.

So it's drowning yourself in pee and masturbating on a unicycle. I got to look that up. All right, let's take a break. I'll look up masturbating on unicycle. We'll be back with more questions and answers with Tim and Tom. Tom and Tim, what do you guys prefer?

Tim and Tom. Tim and Tom. I'm gonna look up that up. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation, talking to a professional licensed therapist

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Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you, Squarespace. And we're back. Favorite episodes of your show because you have, I think you have more episodes than we do, right? Yeah, we have a whole bunch.

And they're all good. They're all very great. They're all equally good. They're all, no, each one gets better than the one before. So they should listen to the most recent episodes. Yeah, but the first one is off the charts. Fantastic, so. Wow.

So the first one is 10. There was never even a lull. It's just been, started off at a hundred and you've just gone out. That's why we couldn't stop because it just kept getting better and better. Amazing. If you ever fall off even a little bit,

will you just stop right then? Yeah, but you know, no sign of it happening. Okay, Tim, favorite episode of a complete guide to everything? Soup. Yeah, the soup one's pretty good. What's the, can you, because I love soup. What are like three things that I can know about soup

that I wouldn't necessarily know without? Some of it's hot. Oh, but not all. But not all. But some is hot, but all of it is wet. Oh. Interesting. So soup has to be wet.

Tim, I don't think he even brought that up on the show. Bonus content. That was for a bigger stage. Technically that fact was behind a Patreon paywall that we just gave out for free. All soup is wet. Can I have five bucks now? Anything else?

Come to mind. It's a cool tattoo, actually. All soup is wet. If not a, oh, I had, sorry. What's the driest- I started to derail this, but I had an idea for a segment on our podcast where we pitched Tinder bios. Oh, that's pretty good.

Yeah, anyway. We are talking about segment ideas just to break up the show a little. So free Tinder bios is pretty good. Dries soup has got to be what? Chili, chowder, cereal. Oh yeah. That's a Tinder bio.

Nothing like a dry oatmeal. Hi, I'm Amir Blumenfeld, 49, divorced with eight kids. I am a thin man. Any other episode soup is a good one? I would say just, yeah, we've done one on pretty much everything at this point. So just search your favorite now. Just search your favorite thing.

You can look at that long list and be like, hey, here's something I like. Let me hear two uninformed people talk about it. I'll get mad. And every episode is a deep dive into these subjects. More or less. And how do you choose the subjects? Like if Tim goes to Hamilton,

then we do one about Broadway. Got it. Sometimes you go like this, we open a newspaper. What's in the news? Oh, interesting. On the show itself. No, no, no, in the prep. Got it, got it.

Yeah, no. How much prep goes into it? Lots. Really? Yeah. Pretty much two. We buy the newspaper in the morning. Yeah, it takes us about 40 hours each to read it.

Amazing. For the next week. So you guys are just bad readers, is what I'm saying? Yeah. They said they couldn't read. Yeah. Let alone bad. Yeah, no, this is we have to find somebody

to read it to us. Yeah, I bet that's the hardest part. Well, people are glad to read an article. But when you're like, no, my job, I have to know everything in the news. They finish one article and you're like, and the next one, they're like, I actually have to go.

And then what after? Keep going until one's about soup is off. Right. Well, there are. There are probably over 400 episodes, right? Are there? Yeah, probably. Yeah.

Geez, going since when? So, yes. Going since? 2008, 2009? 2009. 2009. Yeah. I wonder if that's the longest running,

not that you've been on Hedgum the longest, but the longest running Hedgum podcast. No, we've been on Hedgum since 2009. Amazing. Whoa. Are we dating the web? The network. Yeah, we were just waiting.

Hours before we even had a podcast. Maybe we hate movies before that? No, they're not. They're not? Yeah, we had a, no. That was fast. Oh, you're, you have a vein in your forehead. No, they're not.

It's us. They'll tell you they are. The website will corroborate it. They're liars. No, no, no. Because we had like a, we had like an old timey, old timers chat of like, ah, these podcasts. But they are, they started, I don't know,

like a month after us or something. Oh, wow. That close. Yeah. Wow. Remember? Marin's, WTF is my old. Yeah, he's been around for a long time.

What are other old running podcasts? I heard that the longest podcast is Love. Wow. Yeah. It's Courtney Love's advice column. Yeah. It's been on number one on the chart since 2004. Rika, can we just unplug his?

There we go. Let go of me. That's a nice photo. That's a nice painting. The studio here, you guys haven't been to our studio in LA or have you? No. Never.

Yeah. Never been to LA, remember? Yeah. A lot of Hipper. There's a lot cooler artwork on the wall. Yeah, Nick. A lot of this is Nick Rads. That's right.

That makes sense. No, it's not. It is. None of this is Nick Rads. But that's a Nick Rads original. And so is this one, isn't it? And so is the dartboard, right? Boy, some interesting audio content right now.

And so is that. And this one's interesting too. That one is real colorful. Y'all have to see this one and that one. And this one's 50 feet high and 100 feet long. Well, don't describe it. That paints a picture, which is really what Nick Rads did there and there.

He also did it that. This is unfair, because I was taking it up for you. This is not how car will work, actually. All right, let's try to answer that other question. Can you hand me my phone back? I just realized I asked you to charge it and now I need it right back. Also not fair.

I am just taking stuff from people. Whether it's their joy or. I'm very impressed by how much heavy lifting your phone does during the show. Oh, like how I'm reading from it? You're reading from it. You're playing music from it. Then you were talking about tweets.

Yeah, then you were texting somebody earlier. Yeah, now we're all talking. Now you're doing fantasy sports. Hello? I just bought an Ethereum while we're on break. An entire Ethereum. A single Ethereum coin. How much is that worth now?

$465. Really? Yeah. Everything's crazy. Yeah. Well, it sounds like the economy is doing great. Yeah, at the very least, the fake economy. Yeah.

And also the stock market side. Just read the question, man. Okay? Just that it's not all bad, it's all. Ah, what was it called? Prank call gone wrong? Yeah, yeah, that's the one. All right, we need a guy's name.

Maybe you guys can tag team this one. Oh, first and last? Yeah. Or why don't you give me one syllable, Tom, and then you can take her home, Tim. Her. That's great. Orph.

Soup. Her orph. Her orph. Her orph. That's good. No one person's gonna come. So it does not roll off the tongue. It's like Icelandic or something. Yeah, her orph.

Her orph prunks and writes. Hey guys, love the show. So the other day I was extremely bored at band competition and decided to prank call some friends of mine. Oh, sorry, prank call some people with my friends. I didn't want to prank call real people that I know because I thought that would be really immature and stupid.

So instead I looked up random restaurants in remote parts of the country and called them, ooh, my father's calling me, and called them. This was going fine for the first few calls and we were all having a great time until I did something kind of bad. I called a small random restaurant, Louisiana,

that I had found online and told them that I wanted to speak to the manager about a problem that I was having with shipping them their supplies. They said that the manager wasn't there but that they would call me back. So we hung up and I thought that was the end of it. It was absolutely not the end of it.

The manager called me back about an hour later and I just went with it. I told her that I would be two weeks late in delivering her various supplies and she got extremely stressed about not getting everything on time and started saying how she would have to go to a local farmer's market if the food she needed

wasn't going to arrive. At this point, I'm in too deep to quit. So I just keep going deeper, making a bullshit on the spot saying that my company would give her $1,000 apology along with a bunch of other crap. Then she started asking me to get my name and I just said I had to go very quickly and hung up. I hoped that that would be it

but now she keeps frigging calling me. I pick up once but only duck myself in deeper before hanging up very quickly. Obviously not that quickly. Now she won't stop calling me and she has called me at least two times every day for the last week. What on earth should I do

to get out of this sticky, sticky situation? God, how does he possibly get out of this one? writes her orph. A prank call gone right if you ask me. He works in shipping and receiving now. I'm in so deep, I keep lying to this bitch. That's the most effective prank call in the history of prank calls.

Yeah, especially because he keeps it going. It's always sad to keep it going when there are no friends around and just like assaulting. Who you even doing it for then? Yeah, just to, God, it's so mean, so sadistic. It's backfiring on him and like, he should stop lying but it's also like causing him stress. At this point, he should just pick up and be like,

I'm sorry, I've been lying to you. Yeah, I don't understand that I'm in too deep. I'm in too deep so I gotta promise her another $1,000. I center a freaking stove. I really center a fucking fridge. Do you guys have any good prank call stories that you used to do that? Where did you guys grow up?

We both grew up on Long Island. Our group of friends in high school used to prank call value vision all the time. Value vision. Which is like the second tier QVC. Oh, I used to call QVC. Because you could just call them up and you'd be like, oh, the product you have on air right now, I have it.

I'd love to go on air and talk about it for a little while. We would get on value vision multiple times a night. Well, because we all... Because who else calls? And also... The only people watching are you guys, Frank calling. And all of our voices sounded like women in their 50s. So it was completely believable.

Because that's what you sounded like as a 14-year-old. Yeah, I was like, oh, I'd like to talk about a toaster of it. The bangles you're selling. And then you get on the air and you just go with it. You're like, it's great. I love it by. Or you're like, oh, I put my ass in it.

And it was electric to my body. No, a lot of times we didn't even do that. We would just kind of be like... We would just make things up that we thought were hilarious. Like, yeah, the bracelet's really beautiful. You helped them sell bracelets. Yeah, you're the opposite of what this person.

A lot of times they were like, the phones are ringing off the hook set. You did a help call. Yeah, and maybe that's why they kept answering the phone for us. God, we got them so good. We helped them move 30 toasters. But it never occurred to me to call a place far away.

That's great. Yeah, because then they can't get to you. Well, this was before probably cell phones, before caller ID. I was the prank call heyday. You guys remember the jerky boys? It was all CD about them. It's weird because the stakes feel really high,

but it's all just happening on the phone. The worst thing that could happen is that somebody yells at you and you hang up. I think it was before the internet. That's how YouTube commenters got to troll. You call someone anonymously. It was like, what are they gonna do? Trace back my call to my parents' house?

I don't give a shit. Well, that's what's amazing about this. To get somebody you played a prank on to keep calling you back and not like, hey, I'm mad that you played a prank on me, but like, where's the delivery? Where's the thousand? No businesses will give you $1,000.

I felt bad for this business at first, but now I'm like, you know what? This business, its days are short if they're believing this kind of prank call. Good news, guys. We're getting $1,000. The business that called me said we can buy that dishwasher after all, guys.

Already distributed holiday bonuses based on the $1,000. That's not a giveaway. I love thousand. That's just a nice, that's because that's the most amount of money as a kid. We'll give you $1,000. Yeah, I mean, also it didn't sound like

they had much information. This place, this restaurant has one supplier that supplies everything. Why did this lady not just call the supplier? When she got it, like, that was weird. I'm gonna call the supplier. Not just like this number back. The place where I get the food, all the utensils.

It's probably from this number. I don't recognize the text out of step code, but hey. I like that he's so young that he has just the bare, like, it's not quite enough information to lie. Like, I have to talk to my supervisor. Like, I guess there would be one, but there's like, all he has is a supervisor and a thousand dollar rebate.

I think I've talked about this on the podcast before, but I used to prank call people in LA just like dialing seven round of numbers being like, hey, I'm a radio disc jockey and we're doing a promotion with Baskin Robbins. If you can name 31 flavors in 31 seconds, we'll give you $31,000 starting now. I was like, oh my fucking vanilla chocolate.

It's like impossible to try to like, rattle off 31 in a row. You'd have to be like autistic, I would think. Vanilla, strawberry, blueberry, Rambo, roe, roe and sherbet. Rambo, roe. Yeah. Fuck!

Chocolate chip. You got 29. No! And would you tell them like, ooh, sorry. We'll send you $28,000. Did anyone ever try? I think they would struggle, like, because it's such an overwhelming thing.

You just picked up the phone, you're not part of the contest at all. Yeah, one time, I don't remember like, oh, I would call and ask for like Marty all the time. This is before I even knew Marty. Anyway, I asked for Marty and this person and then like he wasn't there. And then I would call later and say,

hey, I'm Marty, do you have any messages for me? Oh, that's good. And, but like, I was calling this one lady, I called her three or four times and I asked for Marty and then she was like, you should know these phone calls are being recorded. My name is Jay Curtis, I live on 5164 Maple Avenue. I ruined my week.

I want to turn myself in. I'm in trouble. Dad! I'm on fucking tape. Dad, I'm on fucking arrest. I did a bad thing. I did a bad thing, dad. I really got a couple of it.

It's imagining those tapes being played back in a court. Hi, is Marty there? She's got me. She's got me. I rest my case. You're on her. Is it illegal to prank call? Is it illegal?

At some point, it goes over the line to harassment. Oh, that's when it becomes a crank call. Right. It's Frank. That's when everything's fine and dandy. Crank call in the third degree. Yeah, I guess when you cause someone to lose business. Yeah, or you're just menacing them.

But here's the thing with this. Heror, what is it? Oh, yeah, heror. Um, time is just going to sell. Like this restaurant's going to get their delivery as scheduled. Right. I wonder if that affects my thousand dollars. Also cancel the delivery.

Now, that would be a good. Oh, if then you found the supplier. Yeah. And said, I don't need any supplies this week. Just fucking really dug deep. Then he sent her $2,000. Yeah. Yeah.

Then he sends her the money. That'll really get her. Yeah. If I was her and found out it was a prank call, I'd be like, thank you so much. I got the money, the thousand dollars. Let me, I feel bad. Give me your address and I'll send you 500 of it.

Then she gives you the address and you show up to his door. God, Jesus. And you pointed at him, but you don't do anything. You say, I just never again because one of these days, you're going to do this to someone who will have the guts to. Oh, shit. I'm so sorry. I didn't know how to use it.

Oh, no. Oh, fuck. It's so fucking dark. Well, you missed. Oh, that's cool. Yeah. Shot off the house number. Yeah, which is fine.

You just hit the Mizzizzo. I mean, who would ever know? Because presumably this person would have to travel hundreds of miles, maybe even thousands. I assume this is this shit kind of shits legal in Louisiana. You can like do whatever the. Oh, is that where this is? Yeah, this is lawless country.

Oh, yeah, you can do that. You can knock on somebody's door, shoot them. Yeah. As long as they if they promise you a thousand, actually, I guarantee if they promise you a thousand dollars, you and they didn't give it to you, you can't shoot them. People definitely die for less than that. Yeah, in Louisiana, at least.

Nothing up here in New York. God, what a civilized society live in here. Tim saw Hamilton. For Christ's sake, up here, we're rapping about American history. Yeah. You think this girl is even a part of Hamilton? Not part of this conversation. And neither am I.

I'm Amir. And Jake was talking about it. This is the part that's playing in court. All right. Do we have specific advice from other than fess up, come clean? Apologize wholeheartedly? I mean, you could block the number. Yeah, that's the other way.

Yeah, I think I would probably stop picking up. The right thing to do is to pick up and be like, Hey, I was prank calling you. I'm sorry. Then block the number. Yeah, you'll never have to deal with it again. But also you could just block the number and they'll get their delivery. Yeah, and they'll maybe figure it out. I mean, those are the best prank calls that just have kind of like no end game.

You know, be cool. I think you should start like a little a little bank account and just put a dollar a week in there. And then after after many years, he'll have a thousand dollars. And he'll go find this lady and be like, when I was a kid, I promised you a thousand. She killed herself. What are you looking for? Yeah, the business one.

What'd you say about a thousand dollars? I'd love to pay for her tombstone. It's four thousand dollars. Really, I'll be back in 40 years. I'm bad at saving money. I should really save more than a dollar a day by investing in Ethereum. Now, you guys got to do this episode about cryptocurrency. Otherwise, we want to know what the hell we're talking about.

I mean, hopefully we haven't missed our chance. No, I think it's all the way much like Hamilton. It's only getting more and more popular. Yeah. God, can you imagine a Bitcoin musical? Why? I think it's a little something like, oh, we are out of time. I totally sorry. We'll do that next week. I totally forgot to mention the guy who wrote the opening theme song. So let's talk about him a little bit, because maybe we'll play it again at the end.

Just just to apologize, Tim and Tom, any parting words? Anything to promote beyond just the complete guide to everything show, which is available on headgum.com and wherever podcasts are streamed. Do you have anything else going on that you could talk about or it doesn't matter? Really lead a question or nothing matters. I mean, I guess it doesn't matter. Or we're all going to die, right? OK, dead in 80 years.

You want people to listen to your fucking podcast? All right. First seems long was from anything? Yeah, Tim, Tom, nothing. No, go to go to headgum.com and you can find our show. Tom, you wanted to also there. You wanted to mention that people should vote for Roy Moore, right? You were saying earlier. Whoa, it's not even not even a non-endorse.

Not even I'm going to let the people of Alabama decide just full-throated. Yeah, I mean, I'm just going to say, look, do you want a liberal who's going to raise your taxes or a nice guy who, you know, enjoys walks at the mall? Well, you can't go to the mall. What? I based. Wait, is there something I'm not aware of about Roy Moore? But you knew you knew that he liked the mall?

Yeah, I know he likes the mall. Of course, everybody knows he likes the mall. He goes there all the time. The person you've been hired to the newspaper to you has been lying. What? Yeah, you really got to learn how to write more works at Aeropostol. He's that allister, sprang people with fucking cloggy, standing shirtless outside in Abercrombie. You guys ever do an episode on column? No, it's another good one.

Yeah, just free, free little tidbits here. Wow. Yeah, actually, I should write all these down. All right, give me your your coin based login. I would love that point to four coin that you guys got. All right, the theme song, the opening and closing one is a Bruno Mars parody written by Nolan Muchow and his Instagram is at Nolan Muchow. So if you like the song so much, you want to see what pictures Nolan Muchow is taking, go to Instagram and follow Nolan.

But thanks for writing that song. We'll play it one more time. What do we forget to mention? The head gum live show. That's right. In Los Angeles on December 16th, 16th at the UCB Theater in Sunset, tickets still available. Yeah, we sold the last two out. So buy your tickets now.

Are we going to be there? Yeah, Maria will be there. I thought maybe we'd be invited to the show. Oh, yeah, we're going to talk offline. We'll definitely. I mean, I live right around the corner. Yeah, that seems positive. Yeah, from UCB Sunset, you should really start recording out of our L.A.

studio. What a waste of travel. Well, I didn't know there was one and the artwork here is phenomenal. Yeah, that one and that one and this one and that. I think they put up some new ones while we were recording. Yeah, four other paintings have burgeoned to life right before our very eyes while we were talking. All right, thanks again for stopping by Tim and Tom. Thanks for having us.

Thanks for writing the emails in and if you have your own questions or songs, the email address for everything is if I were you show at gmail.com. Let's listen to Nolan's Bruno Mars parody one more time and we'll see you guys next week. Bye. That was a hate gun podcast.