If I Were You - 306: Dicklish Tick

Episode Date: December 18, 2017

The GameBoy brings his girlfriend by for another epic game. We discuss bad gifts and good boyfriends!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

My girlfriend broke up with me so I'm a miserable guy, but I don't wanna stay at home, stay at home and cry, I think I'll go out tonight with my so-called friends, but my so-called friends can't go. Now it's time to get a little drunk, try to fuck a friend, get turned down by her friend, do some drugs and do some harder drugs, slide into her DMs and drop some hard C words. Now it's time to go to therapist, she said what are you gonna do? I sent her this one podcast, hosted by two guys that I've never met, they live three time zones away, I think they can really help. She said are you drunk right now? Well I said if I were you stars now. That's a good one, I like that song. Yeah that was by Joey whose band is My Mom's Guitar and the website is MyMomsGuitar.bandcamp.com. He says thanks for what y'all do. You're welcome. And his name once again is Joey, it was a theme song for our podcast and if you use it he'd love for us to plug his band, MyMomsGuitar.bandcamp.com. If you wanna go to the website it's MyMomsGuitar.bandcamp.com. It's pure acoustic mental illness which is fun or something. Yeah he says his name is Joey and he just says thanks for what y'all do. You're welcome. That address again is MyMomsGuitar.bandcamp.com. Period communications. It's blue and it's underlined so make sure you underline it and make it blue. You're getting very, very dumb. I'm clicking it. I double clicked it. It said are you sure you wanna open because I right clicked it twice instead of clicking it once. And I'm scared to say the website loaded and there's pictures and text everywhere.

I don't know what to make of it. Why are you scared of that? Are you laughing or crying now? I think I'm screaming. Woo. This is a fire review, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by me, I'm Amir. And me, Jake. We're two smart, strong, healthy individuals doing our best to advise people out of sticky situations. Right now on a personal level I would say I've devolved into a Bitcoin rabbit hole. I'm devolving. I'm spiraling down this cryptocurrency. You're obsessed. I'm becoming addicted to the numbers, the graphs. I can't get enough. It chases every part of my brain that I like. It's got numbers. It's got ups and downs, graphs, stats. And cash. And I can actually make and lose money. It's gambling. It's real time. And it's like porn for nerds. There's also some sort of like magical little thing of, you know, not understanding it. Yeah, like sort of not really knowing what's behind the fact that the last trade price is XYZ. Why one is worth 10,000 and one is worth 100. And I benefit greatly from this because I don't actually care that much, but your obsession, if I just give you enough. You give me the information. You helped me sign up for whatever that fucking thing is. You bought one for like $600 five years ago. And now you're sitting pretty, last trade price $16.8,000. And I'm probably legally required to 50% of that, which we'll get you later in the show.

Just because I suggested it to you. That was my risk. No, you didn't. That was my risk for telling you what to do. Was it your risk for suggesting something? Yeah, because if it doesn't, I look like a fool. And that's worth a lot more than $16,000. I did it because of Streeter ass. Well, who do you think- I'll give it all to Streeter.

Wait, wait. Baby Streeter's college fund. Here's his coin-based login. That won't do you jack shit. You need the authenticator. All right, but we'll keep you guys posted as this podcast evolves into a cryptocurrency advice hour. So if you have any questions about your trading on that end, let us know. Because maybe I'll just respond to the emails personally because it's going to be very boring to anybody not involved. Maybe.

But for now, we've got some real emails from real people to get to. Problem is we didn't find any questions. Oh, what? Gameboy's learned to anticipate. I haven't even gotten to what we needed to do. Gameboy knows. I was hoping we could play a game. Oh, he's here again.

No, there's two. I am the Gameboy. Holy shit. Who are you? Oh, I'm the Gamegirl. Oh, oh. You have a boyfriend, Gameboy? Or you have a girlfriend, I should say? Oh, yeah.

And he's hot. Thanks, babe. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Silly. So should the Gameboy or the Gamegirl guess first? Gamegirl. Yeah. I love her.

Ladies first, right, Gameboy? Oh, yeah. Oh, you're too kind. Oh. Oh. All search, Inc. I hate the voice. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Inc. Good request, Gamegirl. There's a lot of spam, but let's see if I can find a few questions that are related to Inc. That have not to do with discount Inc. Inc was the original Bitcoin. You used to be able to buy it for nothing and sell it for a profit.

Is that true? Oh, just remember when there was like a little Inc. racket going on for a while there. I don't. You can refill your own Inc. You can get your Inc. online. Oh, that kind of, huh? Yeah, like for your printer.

Got it. I found one. I found an Inc. question. Great. This one we'll call. He goes to a school in the Pacific Northwest. So we'll call him Adrian Sethl because he's from, because he's from Seattle and Adrian's just a boss name.

Ain't no name better than Adrian. Adrian writes, I'm a sophomore university right now and I'm a bit of a complex, interesting situation. I'm in the best and only improv troop on campus with 16 other people and we're all great friends and it's definitely the best thing I've ever been involved with in college. A month ago, I hooked up with one of the newbies in the troop. We both agreed it was fun and we continued to hook up since then. Now she's talking pretty seriously about starting a relationship and I think I'd like that,

but I'm concerned that we both are going to be in this troop for another three years and I don't want weird mojo or potential breakup to get between the scenes we do in the troop. Is it messy if we could potentially, if it's messy enough, it could potentially mean one of us would have to leave the troop, which would be terrible. Did I make a mistake by quote dipping my pen in the company ink? Nice. Should I not pursue this relationship with a pretty cool girl because of a breakup could be disastrous for the troop?

Should I stop hooking up with her altogether? Keep it real. Whatever the fuck my fake name is. It was Adrian Sethl. Hey, Mr. Sethl. Right this way. Table of one, right? Call me Adrian.

Why? Because it's the best name there is. Gosh, damn it. Would you risk it? Of course. Of course I would. I've destroyed friendships and improv troops alike. I've ruined group dynamics a plenty.

And was it worth it? No, never. But you didn't ask me if it was smart, you asked me would I do it. You're right. And I have done it. And I do do it. Would you learn from your mistake? I never did before.

It's hard to stop. Why start now? Once the train is leaving the station, it's hard to stop it from going. And once you're in too deep, you can't. It's like all's fair in love and war. You start acting irrational. Yeah, he's also, I mean, you can't really look back at this now and be like, should I get into this relationship?

You guys have been hooking up for a while. You're already in the relationship. Oh! Oh! Yeah. You can't be like... We're going to answer the question. Sorry.

I don't want them to get cocky or confident. Oh! They're starting to chime in. Yeah. And the whole goal... That wouldn't be meaningful. Right. All we need to do is to answer the question.

You just have to say the word when we ask them to. Right. Yeah. So don't like... Oh! Okay, yeah. That's what I was talking about. That was bad.

Yeah. So you're saying you shouldn't do it, but I would do it. I have done it. I think it's okay. You're being pretty thoughtful about it. You know, you're... Tread lightly. That's what it's all about.

You're going to move forward. I don't think you could be like, should I get into a relationship with this girl and risk the troop? Like, you've already done that. You have hooked up with her. You talked to her. Stopping to hook up is not a big of a deal. It's stopping to be in a relationship.

But they said... But he's like, we agreed it was fun. And then they kept on hooking up. So now they've hooked up a lot. And... I don't know. I err on the side of not doing it because he's a sophomore. But it's too late.

They've already done it. Yeah. Well, I said, I guess I err on the side of him stopping to do it rather than continue because he's a sophomore. Well, I... So he's still young. There's still lots of room to grow. You're still in this thing for three more years.

If he was a senior, I would think it would be a little more worth it. One, he's no longer in college too. He doesn't have as much wild seeds to sow. And three, she's a noob. She's a freshman and he's a sophomore. He just feels very young. So I would say, should I now pursue a relationship? I would say, don't pursue a relationship.

Unless you're like, I fucking love this girl. I got to have her. I might marry her. I think he likes her. She likes him. They like to fuck. They should do it. And just remember if it ends to break up nicely.

You guys can go back to being friends. It's possible. It might not be... From fuck buddies to friend buddies? No, fuck buddies to boyfriend, girlfriend, then back to friends. I don't think that you guys, I don't know. I don't really think that boyfriends and girlfriends and exes are like true friends. Yeah.

But in a big 16 person improv group, I think you probably wouldn't destroy the dynamic too much as long as you guys had a amicable split. I think it's safe. All right. I think it's risky, which makes sense. Speaking of safe and risky, Bitcoin down 200 since we started this episode. No way. I mean, we are plummeting.

And as two people who are now shorting Bitcoin, I mean, these are... It's just profits in either direction. I mean, we can't lose. We've game the system. All right. Game boy, do you have another question? Oh, yeah! Sorry.

Another name I should say, not another question. Another word you mean. Yeah. Another word, another word. That's what I meant. Where's my girlfriend? Oh! She's in the bathroom.

I think she left. I'd love to hear from her. Oh, yeah. Oh! Nice. I guess she's taking a tentacle. Ah, that's very rare, it seems. Tentacle.

It's a fan script. Oh! We found gold. This might be too risky to read. What if it's not funny? That's possible. Should we read it even if it's not funny? I guess so.

I guess if it's truly not funny, I can edit it out. That's true. No risk at all. This isn't live. Okay. But if it's not funny what I keep this part in, it would be like, all right, let's read it, and then it would cut to, all right, it wasn't funny. Yeah.

I think we'd have to, we'd have to edit the whole thing out because otherwise the guy who wrote, or a girl who wrote tentacle would feel bad. It would feel too bad. So I'm going to send it to you, and if it's funny, we'll keep it in. What you're hearing means it was funny, and if not, then you're just going to search a different word. Yeah. So you'll love never said tentacle in this world.

In this other alternate reality. Do you have your iPhone 10 on you? Yeah, dude. And do you have enough space on it to get this phone, to get this email? Yeah, of course, because I have the most space, and I have the newest phone, and the biggest phone. And the biggest cock, because it's the biggest phone. Smallest cock, actually.

Its episode is called Calamari Come Fest, hence the tentacle. All right. Interior day office. Jake is sitting at his desk trying to work. Amir enters covered in splotches of what looks like black paint. Ooh, I wonder if he says ink in this one, too. Amir. How do you jerk off?

Not using crude oil as lubricant, buddy. What is that? Excuse. You have to stop saying that. Ever heard of squitting? What am I doing with my life? It's where you head on down to the local fish market and pick yourself a grade A squid or calamari, if you will.

I won't. Next, you gotta make sure you de-ink the bitch. Really drain that sack. All the black spots are now making sense. Then you run your s- It does say ink. Yeah, that's crazy. All the black spots are now making sense.

Then you run yourself a nice three-quarter bath. I'm talking salts, candles, a frickin' loofah, plumber's choice. Plumber's choice? That's not a bath option. Don't say it so confidently, like it's a thing. I'm wishing fine for some fishing line. That's step two. Eh, you want to loop one end of the shaft of your penis, and the other end of the third

tentacle of the sea beast. He's gonna take off in a furia of pumps, cause you know, natural selection and shit. Not what that means. Now he's taking off. Pump, pump, pump. Amir indicates with his hand the movement of a squid. Just as this little fucker finds the drain. You ease your pain by covering the delicious sea snack in your manic.

Give the little slippery sl- Give the little slippery slud a taste of your own medicine. Wow, pretty expensive way to masturbate, bud. Yeah, I'm down 20,000. Jesus, you dropped 20 grand? No, 20,000 leagues under the sea. I knew you read my person- my person diary dude? My personal diary dude, I imagine, sick.

Not cool. Uh, that's funny. Yeah, not bad. I like this line where he says, uh, cause, uh, cause you know, natural selection and shit. I remember there was one Jake and Amir where you said, uh, duality of man. I forget exactly why. Duality of man and all that.

Yeah, but I like when you like know some sort of cryptic wise truism. But I don't know when or how to apply it. Yeah. Uh, all right, that was good. Good stuff. We'll keep it in. All right. Do you have a, oh no, I guess it's my turn, right?

Yeah. Ticklish. Hmm. Ticklish. I think she said. Oh. Uh, ooh, just two or three, two of them are unread. Oh, this one's pretty good.

We'll call this guy Jordy Tough cause he's tough like Jordy, like a Jordy would be. Here's my problem. I just got back in the dating pool, found a nice girl and we've gone out a few times. By that, I mean we've boned. Oh, this wouldn't be an issue except I have a ticklish dick. There's that word ticklish. Even if she touches the head or balls, tickles so much that it burst into uncontrolled fit of laughter.

This makes blowjobs and handjobs a big issue. Help. How do I make my junk stop acting like a Pillsbury dough boy? That's a pretty great question. Yeah. A ticklish dick. And I think he also has a ticklish dick. Really?

Yeah. And an inky tentacle. Must be. Have you ever experienced a ticklish dick? Are you ticklish at all? Yeah, I'm very ticklish. Where are you the most ticklish? Oh, my little, my, my side's like your little lower belly.

Yeah. Right. Like on the, on the weight of my dick actually. The weight? On the weight too. Oh, on the, oh. I've experienced a version of this where like if some, like, you know, when people go down on you and they sort of like kiss your, kiss your chest and stomach on the way down.

Oh yeah. And it tickles a lot. Kisses like my, my, the, to the left or the right of my belly button, I like, I like laugh uncontrollably. That's why if I blew you, I'd go right to the dick, the shaft, the balls and I'd work it. I'd work my way up from there. I would.

I really would. I wouldn't want to tickle you. What were you saying? Jesus Christ, man. What? I, don't tell me about how effectively you would blow me back up, baby. That's awesome, man. So you would, so you would end up kissing my, my stomach, the smaller your little stomach.

Yeah. Yeah. So you wouldn't really go right to it. You'd go blow my dick. I don't know how I would do it. Yes, you do. You just said how you would do it. I'm saying I've thought about it and that's how it plays out.

I don't know how it would happen. It wouldn't happen. I know. I don't want you to blow me. Okay. All right. Enough said. Consider that.

More than enough said. Too much was said just now. All right. I'm sorry about that. Way too much. I know some fucking weird shit about you now. No, no, no. It's not that cool.

You don't. You don't. You forgot that. You don't know it. Anyway, ticklish dick. Isn't there a desensitizer that people use for sex? Oh yeah, that's true. So it's not a ticklish big dick, but I bet you can search like dick sensitivity because

a lot of people, you know, like you can use a condom during sex and that makes it more insensitive. I bet there's like a lubricant. Yeah. Like numbing cream. Yeah. Racy hot or something. Yeah.

A numbing agent. There should be that, but for the opposite. So a little cream that makes you ticklish. Oh, tickle cream. Yeah. So I'd put some on your little thighs and I would tickle you. Touch me. You've already talked about how you'd blow me and then how you'd tickle me.

All right. All right. We're good. Relax, pal. We're not good. I am not relaxed. I know, but I'm serious. Now you're eye-fucking-me.

Using an iPhone. I've eye-fucked you. So that's a pretty solid little tidbit of advice, I would say. Yeah, I don't think I can beat it. Mugging cream. A ticklish dick. Otherwise, you just... I mean, it's not bad if you have a really ticklish dick.

So it's like while you're thrusting, while you're fucking your lab things, you're like yeah. Yeah. That's what I imagine fucking the Joker would be like. So I would have him face down on my bed, right? Jesus, why do you know how fucking everybody would be? I'm just guessing is all. When I fantasized about blowing you or fucking the jokester or the Riddler or whatever.

Sorry. The jokester? This is how I'd do it. So he'd be giggling the whole time. Or if you... Yeah, like he said, the Pillsbury Doughboy. Yeah, while he's fucking. It would be fun to fuck the Pillsbury Doughboy, I bet.

Yeah. What do you think, Game Boy? Oh! All right, that's good. That's good. So squishy and cuddly. Yeah. Soft.

Soft everywhere. He's also pretty light. Yeah, he's a cute mascot, to be sure. You know, for Jake's mom's cookies, maybe your mom should have a little mascot. Oh, that's a fun idea. So it'd be you as a little Doughboy. So it'd be your face on a Doughboy body, because you've had two of them. Yeah, well, I wouldn't be able to be that, because I'm fucking jacked.

Yeah, well, I'll say it. So good luck making me a fat-ass mascot like the Doughboy. A fat-ass mascot? I'm just saying. Yeah, I don't think I would be too doughy of a mascot. I'd actually be pretty fucking ripped. Oh, sorry to hear it. Sorry to have to burst your bubble, dude.

It's fine. I was saying it would be funny. Yeah, well, I'm cut. So how do I be a Doughboy mascot? You wouldn't have to actually be fat. I'm not. The Doughboy is not a real person. Right.

Right. Okay. Just be cool. Did you know that? Did you know that? Did you know that? Just be cool, man, because I'm actually crying now. Yeah, I see that.

Okay. Wow. All right. We're about at the halfway point. So why don't you try your eyes, and we'll be back with more questions and answers with the Game Boy. Oh, yeah. And the Game Girl.

Oh, yeah. Giggity. Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this Head Gum podcast. You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire Head Gum network, Jake. Wow. That's correct. I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift.

I think it actually is. Yeah. Yeah, not just Father's Day, but if for any not so tech-savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah. For me personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child.

We got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow. We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're great, really easy way to like stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents' kitchen.

It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo frame. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant. We got her the Aura frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant.

Really nice asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife, and you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit like, this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah. Yeah. Kind of like she misheard it or something like that, or the way you said it was kind of like, could go either way.

By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame? Holy smokes. And we let her know with an Aura. Yeah.

Thank you. The Aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the Aura app. Add me to your Aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something. That could be funny. Yeah.

Like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. You deserve that. You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah.

It's a great gift. A really, really iconic gift. And right now you can save on the perfect Father's Day gift and visit Aura Frames. That's A-U-R-A Frames.com. And our listeners can use code HEADGUM to get up to $30 off plus free shipping on the best-selling frames. There it is. Oh wow.

This is timely. The deal ends on June 18th. So don't wait. Terms and conditions apply. That's Aura Frames. A-U-R-A Frames.com. Okay. Go get your parents something.

All right. Code HEADGUM for $30 off plus free shipping. Right on. Thank you, Aura. And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation talking to a professional

licensed therapist, is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place. And it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist, especially one in your area, but BetterHelp makes that all easy because it's online therapy designed to be convenient, flexible, and suitable to your schedule. You just fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist. And you can switch therapists at any time for no additional charge. It's incredibly helpful. Therapy has helped millions of people over thousands of years.

So give therapy a try. It can give you the tools to find a more balanced life. I've tried therapy. It's been very helpful. So you can find that balance better with BetterHelp. All you got to do is go to betterhelp.com slash if I were you. You do that today. You can get 10% off your first month.

So the prices are already affordable because you're not paying rent for a building somewhere that you have to drive to and wait in a waiting room. This is done entirely online, but you're still getting professional licensed help. And it's extra affordable. That's betterhelp.com slash if I were you. Check them out. BetterHelp. Hello, darkness, my old friends.

The head gum store. I'll talk to you again. The head gum store is live and there might be some deals at it for the holidays. If you got a head gum fan or an if I were you show fan in your life and you need something to give them for Christmas because. Or Hanukkah. We must celebrate the birth of Jesus with consumerism, consume, consume. Where's my gift, mommy?

If you don't give me a gift, mommy, I'm mad at Jesus. Santa's spurned me this evening. Where? You know that happens with Hanukkah too, right? What? When? The war on Christmas is on. There's God.

We're taking it down. There's some shorts, hats, there's yes dudes, beanies, there's headgum hats, headgum shirts, that pillow of us, the Jake and Amir pillow. That's awesome, dude. And then sweatshirts, a whole bunch of stuff. I'm trying to get my ass out of George's hat. You don't know anyone who can hook you up? I already asked Marty and he fucking, he's blackballed me, I think, from the store.

I'm so sorry to hear that. I'm really sorry to hear that. Speaking of holiday deals, my mother is selling her cookies in a sweet little package. Mini cookies. What do you mean by sweet little package? It's a sweet adorable little package. The cookies are smaller. They're four tiny packages instead of one big dozen package.

I see. I see. Are you on the site, jakesmomscookies.com? There's a mini cookies gift pack. A sweet little gift pack. Oh, I see. They are indeed small. Yeah, they're mini.

Oh, and they're coming in a little bag. Yes. And then if you eat enough, you can become a plump little munchkin like mini Jake was. I'm a fucking jacked beast. Fuck. Look at this. Oh, oh, oh. This is one ab.

It's so thick. It's a giant ab. It's so dense. It's so dense. What else? Oh, live shows are coming to Canada. I should post about that on our website. So if you go to, If I Were You Show at G, I'm sorry.

They could start for sale somewhere. I don't know how to find them, but they exist. I tweeted about it, and then ifirishow.com, I'll put the link up so we're going. We're finally coming to Winnipeg. Hell yeah. We're finally coming to Calgary. It's not just about the Jets and the Flames. We're also going to be there, in addition to those hockey teams.

This is our triumphant Stan Rogers tour. And then we are ending that tour in Vancouver, March 6th, 7th, and 8th. Returning to Vancouver for only the second time. The Vogue Theatre, where we've performed before. So get those tickets. The Canada run that we've been talking about for so long is on the books. The Northwest Passage, folks. Don't let us down, folks.

We had to beg our agent to make these shows happen, and he really took a risk on us. That is correct. We'd look like little pieces of shit if it didn't at least come close to selling it. We're close to being dropped by the touring agents. We gotta move some units, folks. Our star has fallen, everyone. Yes. So let's make sure we lift it up.

Lift it high up, right where stars belong in the sky. The Vogue is lifted me high up. Nice. Thanks, man. You gotta... Wait, did you take a leash or did I? You did. I did take a leash.

Okay, so you got one. Snowshoe. What? Snowshoe. Snowshoe. Oh. Snowshoe. Snowshoe.

Very specific. It's noted in New York this past week. Let's see. Is that one word? Yeah. No. Nothing. Igloo.

Better. There's one. Oh, wait. No. It's a fake one where she just put a lot of words at the end. A lot of words? Is it a lot of words or is it every word? It's like 20 words.

That's good enough. 20 words? You win the game. All right. I think it... It is from Canada, so that's good too. So it's... All right.

Let's do it. It's a Canadian lady. You got a Canadian lady, Game Boy. Wayne Gretzky. And it's a lady. Yeah. Vanna. Vanna Gretzky writes, I'm a gal in her late 20s who has found herself to be single, and

I can confidently say that I am on my way to finding happiness again. I was severely hurt by my last long-term boyfriend, but the tricky part is I haven't been single for a while for what seems like an eternity, and oh my, how the game has seemed to have changed. I'm approaching my 30s, and I was once single many, many moons ago. It seems like the times were a little more innocent. I guess I was also more innocent at the time, so I decided to download Tinder with the encouragement from friends to see what sort of fish were swimming around my neighborhood, but I wasn't

finding myself to be totally attracted to any of the fellow single men that were popping up. They were just sort of okay-ish, and I thought maybe I just wasn't ready to be considered... To be considering other males in my life if I wasn't finding them that attractive. But then, a very attractive friend of mine appeared on the Tinder page. I've secretly had a bit of a crush on him since I first met him a few years ago, so I swiped a yes, curious to see what might play out. As it turns out, he also swiped a yes for me, and oh my, over the past few days we have

been chatting constantly. We consistently, and what started off as a friendly, mostly innocent conversation, evolved into multiple very hot and heavy sexting episodes. So I'm feeling a bit like a noob, it feels like this new development with said friend has fired up to top speed, burning hot, and we are likely to get together for the first time over the weekend. I am looking to have fun, but I am also attracted to this guy in more than just a physical way. He's a great guy all around, so my question for you is, how would you go about this sort

of situation? We are friends, but not close friends. We often find each other at the same sort of events throughout the year, and now we both want to get it on apparently. But do you think there's a possibility it might turn into something else? Or if you start that highly sexual charged with someone, do you think that means that you are likely just going to be fuck buddies? We have a bit of a history as friends.

So it's not like I'm hooking up with a stranger, I'm not actively looking for anything right now in terms of relationship, and I don't have expectations. It is the first time for me to be single in a very very long time after all, but I guess I'm a tad giddy and nervous to be back into such a hot game, especially with a guy who is overall very attractive both physically and intellectually. I guess I'm curious to see if this turns into dating or not, and perhaps only time will tell. What do you think any judgments or recommendations are appreciated?

Much love from Canada. Love. Wayne Gretzky. For the Game Boy. Feta. Gasoline Hammock. Cucumber. Icing.

Alligator. Igloo. Tornado. And Monopoly. Nice. Nailed it. Were you trying not to read that because it was insanely long? Yeah, it was a little long.

And I actually, I skipped the first two paragraphs. And you were like, this is just about a guy if he's going to like her or not. This is like basically, if she fucks him on the first date, will it become a fuck buddy situation? Or can you still make a relationship out of a one night stand? I thought even like going into something with it so charged is an interesting question. Like a first date with somebody that you've already sexted with. Yeah, I bet it goes back to, it starts a little uncomfortable as you guys are both thinking

about the sexting, and then it eventually, after a few drinks, becomes, it resumes where it left off, which was that sexually charged area, is how I see it playing out. She answered her own question in the end, where she said, I suppose time will tell. Yeah, time will tell. But do you think he's more likely to be a fuck buddy if they fuck, or you either want it or you don't, and you get there eventually, whether you're fucking on the first date or not? I really don't.

Yeah, I think that it's so person specific. I don't think there's ever been a person that like ruined their chances with me by doing something. It was like, you were going to do what you were going to do, whether you're having sex on the first, second, third, fifth, tenth date. You didn't start a relationship with someone who held out sex, and you did not become a relationship with someone who had sex with you right away. Yeah, exactly.

The timing of having sex, whether it was first or if I waited a while, it was always like, that didn't affect me that I realized. The answer is, do whatever you want, but it won't necessarily make someone a fuck buddy. She doesn't even sound like she doesn't want a fuck buddy. I guess if you're not worried about it. She does want to fuck him, but she also likes him beyond that. She's saying, if I do fuck him, or since we already had sex, does this put our relationship on the track of just being purely sexual and not into anyone else?

I don't think so, because you can have sex with someone constantly, and eventually you'll have to talk to each other. Have you ever had a relationship start as a one-night stand? Sorry, start with a one-night stand. Oh, yeah. Yes. Yes. And so have I.

So that's possible. And then you've also had stuff that didn't last, that didn't become a relationship, that didn't start with a one-night stand at all. So I can go either way. It seems to us that way. Yes. I wonder what happened. This was written a month ago.

I wonder if we can get enough to eat. Wow. A little follow-up pup action. Please. All right. Let me search a word. I'll search, I will search, G-R-E-E, Green Bay Packers. Interesting.

One question. One. One question. Oh! The Game Boy and Game Girl are doing great today. Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! We'll call this guy Brett Farver, uh, right. So basically I have this girlfriend, and for Valentine's Day this year she gave me a bracelet. Sounds nice, right? No.

Sounds right. Sounds nice, right? Wrong. I have this Green Bay Packers rubber bracelet that I wear every day. So I guess my girlfriend thought it was a bright idea to give me a fucking pink and red rubber bracelet with hearts that says, and equals love. We probably shouldn't say their names. That's fine.

Um, oh shit. Please use fake names for that. Okay. All right. And it says, Aaron Rodgers and Brett Farve equals love. What is that supposed to mean? I know I sound like an ass, uh, in this regard. It's not like the girl's gonna read this question and be like, were you talking about

me? No, it's a different person with a Green Bay Packers bracelet. I swear. Yeah. Uh, what is that supposed to mean? I know I sound like an ass in this regard, but please realize how shitty of a gift it is. Jesus.

To make matters worse, he's been asking me to wear it as of late. She does shit like this all the time. For Christmas she made me a green scarf and threatened to stop talking to me if I didn't wear it to school. What should I do? Do I wear the bracelet and get made fun of or do I stand up for myself and break up with her? Uh, it would be, all right, thanks, love, um, Aaron Rodgers, uh, Brett Farve, fuck, all

right. Brett Farve. Uh, what would you do? I think I've been in a situation like this and I wore whatever bad thing it was. For a while. That I had. Yeah. I don't want to be like stand up for yourself and say, I don't feel comfortable wearing

this. Yeah. I mean, I don't know. I guess I also, I think I have like a higher threshold for like, I never felt like, God, this is the last. I hate this. I know. I don't want to wear it, but I'll do it.

It was like, oh geez, this thing, but it wasn't like, uh, it was more than a shirt. Yeah. It was a daily thing. Right. I was during like the, when I was like 21 or 22 wearing a ring on my middle finger. Yeah. I would say that's bad. That was bad, but it was, I wasn't like every single day I hated it.

It was just like, why did you wear it? Why did you have to wear it? Well, because me and my girlfriend at the time, she had a ring that was on, I don't, I don't, we're in a long distance relationship. Yeah. And it's like, you do things to like make yourself feel confident, like wherever she is, she's wearing a ring or not. What do I know?

Right. Well, I never took mine off, but I wanted to, that was, we had a, after we broke up, that was a nice thing that I got to take the ring off. Did you throw it away? Um, I actually, I probably still, but I still have it. Wow. That'd be cool if you make it like your wedding band. That would be reappropriated.

So you could all, you can remember your current wife and then also your previous lover in the same magical ring. These are my vows. And so you put this on too. So I take you and you and you and you of my past. Yes, all of my ex-girlfriends are here. One's doing catering. I think I would have to say, if somebody gave this to me, that I would don't feel comfortable

wearing it and hopefully they understand. Yeah. I think you could, but it sounds like you guys should break up for other reasons. Why? Cause he doesn't get you. Well, I know, I mean, he's a good gift. He said that he wants to break up with her. He said as much.

Right. Should I stand up for myself and break up with her? This is a really shitty gift. It sounds like you have a pretty bad attitude is the thing. He's a nasty little attitude boy. Such a nasty man. Such a nasty woo man. Uh, but you have and, uh, did do this before.

I think that if you want it, if you don't want to wear the bracelet, that's completely fair. And I think you just say, I like my green Bay Packers bracelet, but I don't really want to wear this one. I appreciate the thought. It's the thought that counts. I'm going to hang it up in my room or I'm going to put it somewhere where I can see it every day and think about you.

He does wear a green Bay one, so it's not completely out of the question. He's not going for zero bracelets to one. Yeah. He's gone from one to two. It wouldn't be the worst thing if you just didn't wear any bracelets. Yeah. That'd be an easy excuse. I'm going to be a Packers fan without the bracelet.

Or you just say, I wear the green Bay Packers bracelet on my wrist and then I wear your bracelet as an anklet on my ankle or around my thin, thin neck as a small little rubber choker. I think you should have a canklet. A what? It's a little, it's an anklet around your canklet. Yeah. So, and then your canklet is so fat, pink and dry.

From the very, very tight bracelet that you're wearing around your canklet. You think bracelet comes from the word embrace because it like embraces your wrist? Maybe so. And do you think it's a wrist? It comes from the word ankle? Of course. And bracelet. Of course it comes from that.

Obviously it came from that. It's interesting because you would think that necklace had to be first, then a neck lace. That one makes sense. Oh, because it's a little lace around your neck. And then, and then canklet, canklet makes a lot of sense because no one says canklet. That's a triple portmanteau. You're combining calf, ankle and bracelet.

A canklet. A canklet is a, is a cank, a canklet bracelet, yeah the bracelet for your canklet. Which obviously derives from bracelet, which is, can we add one more to canklet? Like another, another portmanteau to add onto it. So it's calf, ankle, bracelet, and then one more thing, bracelet, something that starts with the, the L-E-T. Lettuce? Yeah, a canklettuce.

So it's a, it's a, it's a canklet made of lettuce. No, it's an anklet made out of a lettuce on a canklet. Yeah. That's a canklettuce. And I'm glad we got there because that's my last word that I'm going to search. That's the good, yeah. Oh, there's 80 emails about canklettuce. That's a good title for this episode.

Canklettuce? I don't want to bury the lead. Canklet. We can call it just canklet. That's good. Do you have a last thing to search? Um, yeah, okay, yeah I do. Does Game Boy have one?

Oh, oh, paint thinner! You really swing for the fences with this stuff. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know. I just don't even, I, uh, another for the Game Boy. Really? Yeah. People know the Game Boy.

Yeah. And then one question we might have answered already. We did good this round. Uh, all right, go. Uh, guy's name. Adrian Sepple, dude wrote two questions, believe it and not, uh, need your advice on a recent social gaffe I recently quit drinking because of an embarrassing incident in a writing class I'm taking.

Oh, god. I went into class a tad lit and about three hours in I passed out in my seat. He was more than a tad lit. Jesus Christ. We passed out after three hours of sitting. I've never gone to class drunk. Loser. Loser.

I took the SATs drunk, high, deaf and dumb and I got a four. As a 26 year old too. I didn't even sign up for the bitch. Uh, he says embarrassing enough, right? Wrong. People love saying that. Uh, I'm an incessant sleepwalker and I pursued it to sleepwalk in my class while spouting gibberish in, as my professor put it, a set up punchline cadence.

I remember none of this and I woke up after class it ended. My question is, how should I dress this in the next class? Should I be a coy little muffin boy and act like nothing happened? Or should I seize the cheese and just own it like crazy shit, huh? Should I even attend? Thanks in advance. Pump boy, ventriloquism, Alzheimer's, pomegranate, malarkey, fuchsia, paint thinner. Wow.

Very cool. Malarkey. Yeah. I like that one. I don't think you can just say crazy shit, huh? Yeah. After you got wasted in class, sleptwalked, babbled and passed out. That's more than crazy shit, huh?

That's public apology territory. Yeah. Crazy shit, huh, is like your cell phone went off three times in a row in class. This level is like, I have to talk to the professor, make a formal apology before class even starts. Apology to the professor, which I bet he already did, and then a coy muffin boy during the class. Because you don't really, I mean, you do owe them an apology, I guess, but like nobody

is really expecting it. Yeah. I'm sure you don't have to, I mean, you have to apologize to the professor because you disrupted the class. The kid's probably just got a kick out of it. Yeah. It's not like a kid's like, you know, you're really disrupted. You ruined my education last class.

Quiet, Lance. You quiet. So you're saying apology to class slash professor, or at least that's what I'm saying. And then maybe he'll make you do it in front of the class as a public shaming of sorts. I would probably refuse to do it in front of the class. You would say, that's enough, actually. I've already apologized to you, professor. Why are you making me do this?

Yeah. This isn't your place. Suddenly, you're condescending him. You're teaching him a lesson. He apologizes and you go, uh-uh-uh-uh, in class. And he has to be standing in front of the class to be like, I made, I made Adrian apologize in class and that was not cool of me. Oh, that's nice.

Yeah. A little twisted around. And then once the score is settled, congratulations, you can start drinking again. Bottoms up, brother. It's no longer a problem. You've cured it. Do your best to not get drunk during class, kids. That's a key.

That's a key. That's a key lesson. Uh, all right. That's it. The episode ends. Solid Game Boy up. Huh? Opening theme song, certain by My Mom's Guitar.

Closing one is If I Were You, sorry, it's called If I Were You, and it's by Cullen. So thanks, Cullen, and thanks, My Mom's Guitar, Joey, for writing the opening theme song. If you got your own questions, email us if I were you show at gmail.com. Uh, once again, the Head Gum Store, still open for beeswax. That's store.headgum.com. We've got a whole bunch of new stuff and some good deals for y'all. So if you need some last-minute holiday gifts, check out our store. Uh, ta-da, good fight, good night, and happy investing.

You so wisely, people. That was a Head Gum Podcast.